#cs!beeduo

[ctubbolvr]

rereading isn’t enough i need chapter 28 of cough syrup injected into my veins

[elytrafemme]

hi it's nightmare_rivulets. the future of CS

hi all. first of all if you sent me the beautiful CS-related ask i will reply to it as soon as my day slows down, that didn't spark this post i just needed to type this before i got some shit done but i WILL answer that.

but i want to talk about CS and say that i have come to the decision that i am going to upload a final chapter or two which is an outline of what the piece was meant to be, where the plot was going to go. include as many excerpts as i can. so i can lay CS to rest without leaving it entirely unfinished.

this idea makes me miserable, i want to be transparent about that. i promised myself when i started CS at age 16 (a little younger, actually, but i uploaded it when i was 16 i think) that i was going to stick with it. and i had a year where i had very consistent biweekly updates! CS got me through so much in my personal life, and i met some of my best online friends through CS.

but, of course, there was that senior year hiatus that i never really recovered from. because i wrote CS in the aftermath of the first relationship i was ever in, which completely fucking ruined me. CS was written as i was experiencing psychosis, as i was stumbling from one traumatic sexual relationship into what would be another. CS came out of a person who had just been groomed, who was going to be manipulated for the next two years going forward. and i say all of this because i think it makes it excessively clear why i can't return to CS, considering the state of the DSMP creators.

there are other reasons. i am an adult now-- i mean, barely, i am nineteen. but CS was written by a 16 year old about 17 year olds, and that's not where i am anymore. so many of the themes of CS are still relevant to me-- i mean, as mentioned above, but also i am surrounded by people who have complex relationships with substances, for example, or with their families. cs!wilbur was based on my own brother and some of our issues, and that situation has developed over two years putting me in a... strange place. but i'm not in high school. i spent my senior year of high school, where cs!beeduo were dealing with shit and falling in queerplatonic love, trying to survive while my mind split alters and everything around me was falling apart. i don't even know how i survived. a lot of the people who i considered major parts of the CS community from day 1 have fallen out with me in some way. another massive part of the CS community i spent a year or two experiencing delusions about, and i am only now reconciling that what i believed wasn't real. sorry if you were a mutual of mine i ghosted. i'm trying to fix that.

i want CS to be a finished piece of work so badly, God do i want that. it meant EVERYTHING to me at age 16. it was the testament to my lived experience, it was my magnum opus, it was the best thing iwould ever create. but i can't create it anymore. and i despise how something so meaningful to me was totally fucking ruined, but i can only half fault the DSMP creators for that because everyone knew CS was stumbling towards a half complete end anyway.

i don't know when i will actually upload these final chapters. maybe in march, maybe in summer, maybe in between. but i can't continue acting like i will finish up a CS chapter at this rate. every ex-dsmp content creator, except fucking Jack Manifold and Niki so shout out to them (and Tommy and ConnorEatsPants i'll add in edit), makes me nauseous in some kind of way. some of them because they were genuine horrible people! and some, i don't know, the downfalls of parasocialism and the endless disappointment in XYZ areas. some of that will heal. some of that, obviously, will never heal. i can't stick around and wait for it.

i'm sorry for the long post. you all know i am verbose at this point. it makes me so sad that at age 16, ex-grooming victim who was about to go through so much worse, i was able to create something and was convinced i'd see it through. i don't think i am a coward but i do feel sorry for the ways i will never avenge my younger self. but i can't write a fic about cs!beeduo when i knew, back then, that i wanted their to be a sexual trauma plotline, which will never exist because half the fucking streamers were abusers. i can't write about cs!ranboo's psychosis when i was convinced my own mutuals were trying to kill me for about a year. i can't do any of this anymore. and that makes me so angry with myself. but it's just the truth.

i have to go get food with some friends. if people want i can elaborate but that's the bottom line. CS meant everything to me and i'm sorry to say it but, it's going to have a lackluster end. God knows i tried. God knows i fucking tried.

[productofaritual]

it’s aimee !! what will she say????

cs!beeduo smooch … :3

(the voices)

anyway hru ^___^

AND THE CROWDS CHEER AND THE STADIUM ERUPTS IN CELEBRATION. THEY DID IT. FINALLY.

Doin pretty good, woke up to my dogs running all over my face at 7am, turned around, went back to sleep. Probably getting Chinese food for lunch

[a-sad-moth]

My brain is full of thoughts

Cough Syrup, by @sirensforlasnevadas

[sunshinelittlefuck]

"They're really pretty. Prettiest thing ive ever seen i'd say", said ranboo in awe of the stars.

Tubbo looked over at ranboo, and said

"I've seen prettier things"

@nightmare-rivulets

[cowboyx2]

iris by the goo goo dolls is actually a c!beeduo song from tubbo’s pov...

,,,,,,,can anyone hear me. if you can’t then.. RANBOO IS THE CLOSEST TO HEAVEN TUBBO WILL EVER BE. c!tubbo has always had an ongoing battle of how he feels like an awful person. friend after friend have called him a monster, a yes man, a tyrant and dictator. yet ranboo has never said a bad thing about him. it’s all love, joy and heaven with him or at least as close as they’ll get. i’m not going to even mention the entire “am i a bad person?” convo

.....i know we haven’t really gotten tubbo’s pov on ranboo’s death BUT... oh my god he’s a widow and all he wants is home but he is home

the way tubbo has shut himself off in snowchester from practically everyone. the people he talks with on a regular basis consist of almost only ranboo. tubbo has had to learn to not care what others think but love changes everything. with every “you know?” he just wants him to know who he is

[yellowhearther0]

well. i want to change my desktop wallpaper bt also. csbeeduo,,,,

[gemsiiie]

i’m actually gonna start crying at what i just realized-

Love Like You is a CS!beeduo song.

i am gonna go cry now.

AND IT WORKS FOR LIKE BOTH OF THEM-

SOBS AND CRIES AND EUEUURUEHHHAJRJEJEUUYR

[lunarsapphism]

updated the cs!beeduo playlist a little bit ^_^

[ctubbolvr]

//cs!beeduo rant. will contain MAJOR spoilers for the fic!

cs!beeduo are so. they feel like real people, first off. because they are both oh so very flawed. and at first glance, they seem very different. they’re not that different at all.

they both feel kind of like outsiders. because cs!tubbo feels like he’s intruding, and has been, since he moved in with cs!tommy and his family and although they treat him like family, said they want to adopt him, he feels like he’s not supposed to be there. cs!ranboo has been living with cs!niki, and although she isn’t around very much, usually at cs!puffy’s, he still feels like he’s intruding. they both do. no matter how sweetly and caring the people they live with can act, it still feels like they’re not supposed to be there

and maybe it never will. but, to each other, it feels like they’re supposed to be there. two outsiders who can’t seem to find where they think they should be, found each other in a convenience store talking about tylenol. and maybe the title of the fic in general is simply just a reminder of how they met, but it might be poetic as in they met during bad times and knew each other (tasting the bitterness of the cough syrup) but as time goes on, they’ll heal (the effects of the medicine) so maybe that’s why they met while buying fucking tylenol. maybe in the future they’ll look for tylenol together and try to stomach all of the horrible times. but maybe they’ll be alright by then and not give it much of mind.

and then one similarity. how no matter what the person who fucked them up so badly does, they miss them. they miss them like they’re a dog and the person is some type of fucking god. because when cs!schlatt dies, cs!tubbo says he needs him. but schlatt never needed him. because he has schlatt’s dna, and he is just fucking like him, drinking alcohol and being related to him. schlatt doesn’t need him. he never would. without schlatt, who exactly is cs!tubbo? he’s not himself. no, because he’s cs!schlatt. at least that’s how he thinks of it.

and then you have the parallel of cs!ranboo and cs!dream.

//MAJOR CHAPTER 30 SPOILERS.

even after cs!dream tries to KILL HIM, saying for the past two years, he’d been planning it and it would all come up to this moment, and he slams his head against the dashboard, yells at him, makes comments about cs!ranboo being crazy (when he is psychotic) and pinning him to the ground and stabbing him, bandaging him up and texting him, telling him that he killed himself and it’s cs!ranboo’s fucking fault, cs!ranboo misses him. he wants him back. he wants to be hugged by him. according to him, cs!dream was everything he had and you know why? because cs!dream gave him a purpose. taking pictures and finding out why the town is dangerous. and without that purpose, who the fuck is he? no one. because cs!dream even said that cs!ranboo is NOTHING without him. and he believes him. because for the past two years, despite being yelled at and emotionally manipulated and maybe even abused, cs!dream was there. so of course he’ll do whatever he says just because he says it.

they both miss horrible people. because they’re convinced that without them, they’re nothing. but maybe they can find something in each other. find a way to be something. together. because healing is a fucking journey, but they’ve been through hell and might still go through it, but goddamn they’re there for each other. and then you have the sweeter moments.

when they talked about religion. when they opened up about it. when cs!tubbo said, “i don’t like talking about god.” and cs!ranboo just said “okay.” and that was that. and they foreshadowed with “if there is a god, maybe it’s in this car” to when cs!ranboo had been saying “i’m god” after that dream he had in chapter 30, with cs!dream yelling at him that he’s not god and he’s delusional and cs!ranboo needs him.

and of course, my favorite. chapter 28. because cs!ranboo saying not many people call him pretty, and cs!tubbo’s reaction to be to tell him “then i’ll make sure you’re used to it.” and proceeds to call him pretty two more times that night and he has his little “realization”, as he calls it. and after cs!ranboo opens up to him about his memory, and he asks him not to pick up his phone when cs!dream is calling him, and cs!ranboo says the sunset is pretty, and cs!ranboo calls cs!tubbo the fucking sun because of “beside him, the sun says, “so are you.”” which isn’t the first time he’s done that. when they talked about getting married how cs!tubbo said he’s most likely to marry cs!ranboo rather then anyone else. and how cs!ranboo whispered “i’d marry you.” and how cs!tubbo went on a spiel of how cs!ranboo would be a good husband. and then when cs!ranboo said he’d name a star after cs!tubbo if he had the money, because he thinks it would make him smile. and when cs!tubbo thought that he would run away, and that cs!ranboo would stay here and have a good life but he wants to ask him to run away with him.

can you tell i fucking love these guys.

[elytrafemme]

@puzzlingpapercrown HOW MANY COUGH SYRUP URLS DID YOU TAKE

[productofaritual]

i have no fucking idea what chapter this was BUT i feel like it was in the teens,, unless it didn’t happen yet which in that case IGNORE THIS UNTIL U READ IT!!!!! when cs beeduo were stargazing over the phone together . how did u feel about uh… that scene… i have so many thoughts abt it

I did see it already! I mean. It was cute. One of the "OMG FLUFF I MEAN IT'S NOT REALLY THAT FLUFFY BUT MY STANDARDS R FUCKED ANYWAY I'LL TAKE IT" moments. I'm a drowning man when it comes to fluff in this fic. Do share your thoughts on it, I don't have many

[a-sad-moth]

BIG ol' doodle dump /pos

@dykesforlasnevadas

[ctubbolvr]

anyone ever think about cs

[ctubbolvr]

thinking abt when cs!ranboo was thinking he’d name a star after cs!tubbo. always thinking about that

[ctubbolvr]

“are you bored yet?” by the wallows is very cs!beeduo . can you see the vision