#crying didnt help the headache and i still wanna like | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ackermendick · 8 months ago

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BYE. This is the most painful read ive ever had in a while. My eyes are puffy and swollen and my nose is heavily congested.

Saint, idk how you do it. Idk now you write angst so painful right that it physically hurts up until my soul. When will they have their peace? I just wanna hug mc. I physically hurt for her. The pain of yearning for her toru and realizing how much she is still is still in love with him is just so fucking agonizing.

GEN, CAN YOU LET THEM TALK FOR LIKE, 5 MINUTES TO SORT IT OUT??

God, it’s so heavy reading how she is having a mental breakdown because of her break up, watch the love of her life have a pretentious healthy relationship with his new girl, having to deal with “No satoru in your life” with her sister, her angina coming back (?). LOSING HER HORSE. Fuck, the “God. help me” part really broke me bc I felt it so much in my core. You know it’s really bad when you started asking for divine help bc nothing really helps with the pain anymore 😭 (couldn’t blame mc for wanting to jump off the cliff bc I, too, would rather have eternal sleep than deal with all this).

The timing here is always the worst 😭 like yn would stop overthinking about satoru’s “idgaf about you anymore” attitude if only she saw him at the rooftop 😭 Satoru’s petty ass would not happen if he knew yn and toji were breaking up at the rooftop. SATORU, THIS WAS ONE TIME WHERE U DIDNT HAVE TO HAVE SELF RESTRAINT TO GO GET YOUR GIRL U KNOW. Now look at you all— A goddamn fucking mess in all ways.

Sachi, your mama needs you more than ever :((( pls dont leave her bc she might self destruct the moment you start calling that woman “mama” too.

Yn & Satoru. CAN U GUYS FUCKING TALK FOR LIKE 15 MINUTES AND SORT YOUR SHIT OUT? YOU ARE GIVING US A HEADACHE AND A TON OF HEARTACHE.

ESPECIALLY YOU, SATORU GOJO. IF U DARE GIVE SACHI A RIVAL HEIR TO YOUR COMPANY, I HOPE YOULL LOSE YOUR ABILITY TO TASTE SHIT SO U WONT HAVE ANOTHER PIECE OF SWEET IN YOUR WHOLE GODDAMN LIFE.

Istg if he dares pull the “marriage proposal” card after this chapter, i hope he goes bald at the age of 40.

I really think that yn is a ticking time bomb just waiting for the right time to explode and 💀. A lake wedding for shoko and suguru? Her and Satoru being the MOH and Best Man? Damn. It’s gonna be a wedding full of tension. Why do I get the feeling she’ll self destruct on that chapter? Like what if Satoru brought that woman to the wedding as his plus one and they got to dance and…

I’ll stop right here or else yn will have a heart attack ( ha ha ha, no pun intended…..but what if 🥲)

SAINT TYSM FOR THIS! YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLE WRITER AND YOU NEVER FAILED TO DELIVER 💙. SY! is a rollercoaster of emotions and I am so looking forward on what you have in store for us (heavier angst? Count me the fuck in. I love crying) mwuah!!!

sincerely yours. (10)

↳ gojou satoru/reader

when a twist of fate led their marriage to the path of a quintessential tragic romance, two past lovers go through another series of experiences on love, heartbreak, identity, illness, and trauma along the road to a happily ever after.

genre. heavy angst, amnesia, modern au, 18+

tags/warnings. depression, intoxication, trauma, implied suicide attempt, toxic relationships,

notes. important announcement ! as you all know, this series has always had an extensive approach into detailing the events in its side stories (ie. sera x sukuna x naoya, yuuji x megumi, maki x yuuta x miwa, etc), but while writing the chapters, the word count and the plot building had become too exhausting for me to produce consistently, esp with the amount of scenes and side stories i was introducing to the story, so i've decided it's best for me to stick to the main characters, reader & gojo, and will only add side stories as necessary. this really hurts me knowing that i can't achieve the level of comprehensive writing and world building that i did for sincerely not, but i really want to finish sy as soon as possible and removing a chunk of side stories would be some of the things that'd help me achieve that 😭 i hope you guys understand. hopefully i'll figure out a way to write those side stories instead of completely abandoning them mid-way in this series. but as always, thanks for ur continued support <3

series masterlist -> episode eleven

“It’s a little weird.”

What was supposed to be her bed time had turned into a moment of reflection for Sera who, instead of being fast asleep at this time of the night, had unconsciously brought herself inside Sukuna’s home office to join the up-and-coming tech mogul in his late-night programming.

She wore her silk pajamas, pacing back and forth in her boyfriend’s office as her mind flew back to the recent encounter she had with her ex-boyfriend. Who knew that Satoru’s kid would look just like a carbon copy of him? No, actually, the question should be: who knew it would be a different woman by his side acting as the mother of his child? Sera had to laugh at herself, shaking her head as she realized how truly and undeniably ridiculous her ex was. It was clear that day that he wasn’t really as loyal of a partner as he claimed himself to be.

Did he really just go through all those crazy things with you, only to look like a whore-hopping fool now?

If he was bound to end up with someone else other than you, then why did he have to make Sera’s life miserable in the first place?

She may have done terrible things before as a selfish and materialistic lover of his, but that wouldn’t change the fact that Satoru also contributed to her role as the side-piece in his marital relationship. He allowed her to cling to him like a mistress. Being his side-piece wasn’t even something that she had forced upon him. It was his promise, an idea that he planted on Sera’s head, saying that she would need to stay by his side and that he would marry her guaranteed that he had already secured the merger and divorced you. He swore like a fool that he would divorce you. But guess what? The jerk ended up falling in love with his wife and suddenly had no use of Sera. Suddenly, he was such a good husband who couldn’t be more loyal. Suddenly, he was a lovestruck man who had always been in love with his childhood friend. If he had downright dumped Sera the moment his engagement was announced, if he had not been prideful and ambitious since the beginning of his marriage, he probably would have had better luck at having that healthy relationship he yearned from you.

But how come the blame of being the third-party was all on Sera when her only mistake then was loving the person who promised her all the good things in life?

Now, you see, this was all just bitterness brewing at the back of her head. She knew what she did was still wrong and that she wasn’t innocent. Sera swore to herself that she would never look back on those awful days ever again, but seeing how Satoru was running around freely with a different woman just reminded Sera of his days as a spiteful, two-timing man. Somehow, it felt like he had changed and yet didn’t at all.

Ha ha ha. How ridiculous was that?

“What’s funny?” asked Sukuna, her present boyfriend and thankfully so. He was Sera’s blessing, because she never would have thought that a man like him could still exist in a world full of Satoru’s and Naoya’s. “You look cute smiling to yourself, though.”

“I know,” she responded to the compliment, shifting to settle herself on his lap, though his attention remained fixed on his laptop screen. “It's just strange to me,” she continued, her voice thoughtful, “how Gojou appears his usual self, yet there's something off about him.”

The question clouded Sukuna’s eyes in confusion, tilting his head to the side as he tried to comprehend her description. “You mean dude got uglier?”

I wish, Sera thought. “No, he’s… he’s different. The vibes are different. For a second, he even looked like he was dissociating the whole time he was with that girl,” she said, referring to Satoru’s new girl as though she was your cheap alternative, “But then again, why is he with her in the first place if he looks absent-minded the whole time, you know what I mean?”

“Was he like that with you before?”

“At times, but it’s not like the way he’s acting right now… I don’t know, I can’t explain it. The energy is off. That’s just not how he acts when he’s really, really into someone.”

To be honest, Sukuna didn’t give a damn about Satoru Gojou’s life and any normal boyfriend wouldn’t really like hearing their girlfriend talking about another man, especially her ex at that, but he knew Sera found joy in old money gossip and he was aware of the demoralizing past she has had by associating herself with them. Sukuna was acting all engaged in their conversation because he wanted to make her feel heard and that he shared her simple joys in life. Besides, it was through her that he learned so many inside scoops about the people that ran the country’s biggest conglomerates. It was like watching one heck of a messy episode of Dynasty.

“Didn’t he get into a car accident?” he recalled, remembering the headlines on the news that day, “Then, we saw him at the expo and he couldn’t really remember you. The guy’s probably got his head all messed up.”

Sera was bitter at the time thinking that Satoru was toying with her when he asked who she was, when the truth was, he was actually diagnosed with amnesia. It was such a shock to her, truthfully, because having amnesia felt like something you would only see on a movie’s screen. Well, in that case, she could also say karma’s a bitch. The director might be onto something here.

“He’s probably not mentally fine, but still…” she thought carefully and played the scene in her head again. What was it about the Gojou that she saw the other day that was different? “He just has a different vibe to him that it feels uncomfortable. It’s like he’s rude, but not so rude? He doesn’t have much of a personality anymore. Like a complete stranger.”

“Maybe it’s the new girl rubbing off on him.” Sukuna was back to typing on his laptop as he said that. Frankly, he was just saying anything at this point.

Sera shook her head in response. “Well, I don’t know about that girl he’s seeing and I don’t really care, but it’s common knowledge to the filthy rich that she’s Y/N’s best friend. That’s why I recognized her right away, and that’s why it disgusted me,” she pressed on, “Tell me, would you—and be honest about this—would you fuck your best friend’s ex?”

The humor on her boyfriend’s face came right as she asked that. “Babe, you fucked a married man. It’s worse than fucking somebody’s ex.”

“Shut up.” Rolling her eyes, she got up from his lap and sighed, but Sukuna wasted no time in pulling her back onto his lap. His chuckle was mingling with the gentle kiss he had planted on her cheek, unaware that his actions made Sera’s heart flutter. “Forget it. I shouldn’t even be talking about Satoru with you.”

The man stretched his arms and finally closed his laptop, patting Sera’s thigh afterwards. “On that note, I do have another ‘dude from your past’ that I gotta meet tomorrow.”

Her reaction alone was a response for him. “Naoya?” she protested, face contorting with disgust. “What for? I told you not to take on that project.”

“Yeah, I considered it, and you know, the partnership could really benefit CleaveTech,” Sukuna reasoned, leaning back as he outlined the situation to her from a business standpoint. Given her own background working for the Gojou Group before, he expected her to grasp the significance of this partnership and set aside any personal grievances or emotional attachments. “The Zen'in Group is a major client. It’s all pros and no cons here.”

“The contra is the guy you’re gonna work with,” she highlighted with a hint of annoyance rising from her throat, “Naoya is nothing but an opportunistic motherfucker. Mind you, he’s a stupid elitist, too.”

He held back a laugh, not even threatened by a man who had a terrible history with his girlfriend. “Nah, I’ll deal with him. Just trust me on this.”

As much as Sera wanted to object, she knew Sukuna had a point and that she really shouldn’t hinder his company from being partnered with such a large conglomerate. She just didn’t like the thought of her boyfriend being around a man who manipulated and humiliated her to the point where she had been blacklisted by multiple companies, leaving her to resort to being somewhat of a prostitute just to make ends meet.

The world was harsh for the not-so-rich, and all Sera wanted was to give those upper class people a taste of their own medicine. But seeing as her desire for revenge would clash with her boyfriend’s chance at company growth, she had to set aside her personal grudge and support him on this one.

Still, there was nothing wrong with being curious. “Is there any other reason you agreed to this partnership?”

Sukuna smirked as if he expected that question from her. “Blame it on my little brother, he’s been bugging me ‘bout it.”

“Yuuji?” Sera asked, clearly confused.

To which her boyfriend quickly answered, “Yeah. He said it’ll give him an opportunity to work with his best friend. You know that kid, Fushiguro, right?”

Ahh. Toji’s kid aka the heir to the Zen’in business empire. Sera had met Megumi before, and while that other brat Mai used to be unreasonably rude to her, the younger boy was always civil and respectful at least. He never even once treated Sera like dirt when she was spending time with Naoya at their mansion. Perhaps their upbringing really differed because he was raised by Toji and the other Zen’ins were raised by demons.

Nevertheless, with a connection now established between Sukuna and Naoya through Yuuji and Megumi, Sera couldn’t help but feel that her peaceful days as a nouveau riche were about to become far more intriguing. Depending on the cards she would choose to play, they could even turn into a living nightmare.

— —

You weren’t exactly abandoning your company; you were merely taking a break, a necessary pause given your current mental state after the whole break-up with Toji and the Osaka thing. Your mind was just too overwhelmingly occupied to even properly function. Each day, mustering the energy to show up at Hearte's head office became increasingly challenging, especially when faced with individuals who relied on you for major decisions and creative direction.

To make matters worse, Akemi’s sudden resignation hit hard.

You received her decision by a simple letter, a mere piece of paper, without even having the guts and decency to meet with you in person. Was she scared? Or was this her way of rubbing salt on the wound, shoving it in your face that she was now taking things to the next level with your ex-husband?

She did cite in her resignation letter that her reason for resigning from the role was due to conflict of interest. You wanted to laugh when you read that part. No, you wanted to choke in your fit of laughter after reading through her asinine reasons. She could have been upfront and mentioned that the so-called ‘conflict’ was the very man her best friend had previously married.

Obviously, everyone in the office felt sad knowing that a core member of the company left without at least a 30-day notice, but they were all also aware that her resignation was due to personal albeit controversial reasons. Did Akemi not care about her image at all? The same colleagues she had trained, managed, and collaborated with would now likely gossip about her behind her back. She would become a hot topic of disrespect among the people that once heavily respected her. Did she also not care about the company you two created together anymore? This was the same company you two had passionately dreamed of during your late-night conversations on a New York rooftop. She was the one who wanted to build a fashion house together with you.

Yet, it seemed she was willing to throw it all away for a man already entangled in complicated familial dynamics. Her immediate resignation and refusal to speak to you in person just further confirmed it to you that Akemi was willing to forsake your friendship by choosing a man who already had a child with someone else.

Since she chose that path, you couldn’t help but interpret Akemi’s actions as a deliberate slight against your friendship. It seemed clear that she no longer viewed you as a friend and was essentially cutting ties with you. Otherwise, why would she take such a step? Akemi wasn’t the type to be vindictive; she likely believed she was sparing you further pain by severing your connection. However, regardless of her intentions, her actions felt deeply disrespectful and hurtful.

If this was what she wanted, then kudos to her and her unbelievable confidence to choose a man like Satoru Gojou. Besides, it didn’t even take you a week to find another replacement. Your family connections were powerful after all. You readily had a pool of potential candidates for the role of the Head of Sales, Retail, and Merchandising—all from prestigious backgrounds and unparalleled expertise. While the competition was tough, you selected the person you deemed was the most qualified to be your second-in-command. This was someone you had esteemed since college, a person who excelled in both business acumen and creative vision.

Yuki Tsukumo. She was influential in every sense, and you trusted that she would be able to manage the high pressure environment of a start-up fashion house and transform it into an iconic brand, a household name that would one day rival Chanel and Miu Miu.

You may have succeeded in replacing Akemi. You may have shown her that her position in the workforce was easily replaceable, but her role as your friend still left a lingering, repugnant mark that proved far more difficult to erase. This underlying sentiment could explain the unreasonable anger festering in your heart—a visceral reaction born from feelings of backstabbing betrayal.

It was hard enough for you to travel all the way to Osaka with a broken heart, but it became much more agonizing to watch your own son run up to Akemi like she was his mother. It was a goddamn slap to your face, indeed, to see that your ex-husband had already chosen a woman to have his happy, little family with. That he wanted to be a good man and be everything you wished for in a husband for her.

As they say, nothing hurts more than building a man for another woman.

And honestly? You cried so much on the way home that you became numb. Now, you were just trying to get over it. You were trying to bury the searing pain in order to forget the betrayal you felt. It was all too much for a person to handle and it wasn’t like you hadn’t gone through the same old shit before. Wasn’t it worse before with Satoru actually cheating and all? He technically wasn’t crossing any lines here, so it shouldn’t hurt you. It shouldn’t. You had been here before. If you had managed to get through such an awful time as his previous wife, his relationship with Akemi shouldn’t be too hard to accept. No, you weren’t trying to lowball your pain, but it was better to be an optimist in this situation than be a suicidal, self-destructive person. You had a business to run and a child to raise. You had to be strong.

Or at least, that was what you told yourself. That was what you had been telling yourself over and over, each time you got up from bed forcing yourself to have a false positive mindset. In fact, that was also why you had to take this extended break because you had to have your peace of mind. You had to have some form of release to remember why you needed to stay alive and keep yourself going.

Not just for Sachiro’s sake, but also for your own.

Your safe haven for now was at the horse ranch, where the tranquility of riding and the beauty of nature provided the perfect ambiance for reflection. How long has it been since your last visit to Willow? Your father had been joking that you shouldn’t be leaving a beautiful, white Friesian horse unattended for years, especially not for the expensive price he paid her for. True enough, because the moment you saw the mare again, you almost forgot how majestic she was for her breed. Willow was a completely docile and graceful horse, so alike to you in many ways. However, one thing that was unlike you, was that she lived in peace, existing solely for herself and not for anyone else.

If only you could be like her.

As you reached out to stroke your rare-breed horse, a new and unfamiliar stallion in the stable caught your eye. To think of it, your family shared this equestrian estate with the Gojou family. This realization meant that the strikingly elegant and tall gray horse in the adjacent stall belonged to none other than Satoru.

“It’s a Thoroughbred,” the equine caretaker informed while guiding your horse out of the stable, “Mr. Satoru got him recently and named him Six.”

A gray Thoroughbred, renowned as the most expensive horse breeds out there. It could fetch a price as high as $70 million, and of course, Satoru was the perfect owner for such a prestigious horse. The stallion embodied his essence completely—its color, its build, its rarity. On the other hand, you couldn’t help but find his naming convention by number a bit odd. His previous black stallion was named Eight. This time around, it was Six. Couldn’t he be more imaginative?

“He’s beautiful,” you mumbled, nonetheless, in awe with the regality of the horse.

“He’s a good boy, too,” added the enthusiastic horsekeeper in a thick country accent, “Mr. Satoru was here yesterday and played polo while riding him. They were perfectly in sync even if it was his first time riding him.”

Of course, he would play polo. That was one of his favorite recreational sports. The burning question at hand was, who was with him during his visit? Because if the caretaker mentioned Akemi, you would certainly lose it. This was your private space with him. This estate was a place that none of his other women had access to, not even Sera. This was a location filled with memories from your childhood. For him to bring another woman here would be crossing the damn line.

“Did he bring anyone with him?” you asked, trying to sound casual as you dusted off your boots.

The caretaker denied. “No, he was alone. He just came to play polo and check the horses he recently bought.”

Oh… “He bought more than one?”

Did he seriously get Akemi her own horse? Your heart was racing at the thought, but the caretaker led you to the stable near the exit to show you the other horse than your ex-husband had purchased. It was a brown Shetland pony.

“He got a fully trained Shetland for your son,” the horsekeeper proudly declared, showcasing the pony as if he had been instructed to do so in anticipation of your visit. It was obvious that Gojou had already briefed him on introducing Sachiro’s new pony to you because he knew you would be asking about it. “His name is Elmo. He is kid-safe and very friendly.”

Frankly, you wanted to sigh in relief, but at the same time, it warmed your heart to know that Satoru got his son his own horse at such a young age. You could already sense him planning to make Sachiro take equestrian classes when he gets older, and probably join him on his horseback riding sessions, too. You could imagine just how perfect it would be to see the father and son bonding here, racing together, playing polo together… yet it would not be you who would be watching them on the side.

This future he was setting up with his son would be an experience he would share with Akemi.

There was no you in that vision anymore.

The caretaker likely questioned your sanity when he noticed the bitter smile on your face as you mounted your mare. He might have even doubted whether you were sane enough to ride alone, without a guide, particularly through the woods since Willow had not been ridden for some time now. However, you had done it countless times before and were quite familiar with the trail, and so you dismissed his offer to lead you and assured him confidently that you knew your way back.

You needed this solitude. You craved this moment of peace, alone with your thoughts and surrounded by nature, to reflect on the ceaseless torture of your life. It was just never-ending, squeezing every drop of happiness out of your system to make sure that you would only live to suffer. You really thought you had your happy ending with someone else? You actually believed you had found the perfect man to be your actual husband?

Well, unfortunately for you, Toji was not the one.

At first, your mind flew to Toji as you went on to the trail, allowing the mare to continue trotting as you held the reins to control her. You remembered Toji’s text that morning, asking you for the hundredth time if he could meet with you. He likely wanted to apologize in person, but you doubted he would change his mind and take back the things he said. Because they were true. He could never fill the void left by his deceased wife by being with another empty soul. It was painfully, unmistakably true. You were better off dead if that was the case, because even if you did end up marrying him, you would never be regarded as the person he loved the most. After all, your role in this world seemed to always be the second option. You were never the first in other people’s books. Not with your ex-husband. Not even with your family, especially with Gen around. You were meant to be a bystander, watching others live their perfect lives while you were forced to be in your misery. Someone like Toji would not have a guaranteed blissful marriage with you and you had to spare him from that. You had to draw the line and step back from this charade that you were playing with him, knowing that you were never the right person to be with him, so at some point, you had to accept his drunken words. They came from a place of truth, and that truth would set the both of you free.

Even it hurt. Even if it fucking hurt to hear his words. You couldn’t deny them.

You could easily forgive him, but his words might take a while for you to forget because even thinking about it now was bringing a wave of pain into your chest. You didn’t even notice that you were losing control on Willow’s reins by the time you entered further into the woods, bouncing on the saddle as you galloped along the challenging path. With the speed you were riding right now, inexperienced riders would certainly find it unsafe and scary. But for you? It was just what you needed. The breeze of fresh air, the thrill of riding alone, the peaceful sound of nature—you could die there and be at your happiest.

Maybe that was where you had to be; to disappear and leave them all behind. Wouldn’t that be best for everyone? If you were to vanish, they could finally be free. Your presence, even from the beginning, was a burden for everyone—for your dad, Gen, Satoru, Toji, and even Akemi. The people you trusted the most would be the same people who would secretly celebrate your demise. So, what else was hindering you from taking matters into your own hands and ending it all yourself?

“Giddy up!”

Was it Sachiro? Definitely. But now he had his father, and he was likely starting to see Akemi as a mother figure as well. Your role as his beloved mama could be easily replaced if you were to leave him now. It wouldn’t hurt him as much that way. Three years with Sachiro seemed sufficient enough, and he was at an age where he could grow up alongside his father. In this short span, he would have lasting memories with you, yet not enough to deeply grieve your absence. He was a young child, surrounded by people who would offer the whole world to him. At least, for that, you were eternally grateful. It brought you comfort knowing that your son would have support after you were gone, and that he would find a mother figure in Akemi. Given the brief time he spent with you and the rest of his life with her as his stepmother, Sachiro would likely come to love and accept Akemi as his own mother. This was the best outcome you could hope for.

My child, my son, my baby… please don’t get mad at mommy.

Tears were gushing out of your eyes and you hadn’t even realized it until they started blurring your vision. You were far too lost in your own thoughts, unaware that you were now in an unfamiliar and seemingly dangerous part of the trail. The path was getting a little bit too steep and poor Willow was clearly stressed at your inconsiderate handling. There were multiple obstacles on your rocky terrain and you weren’t as steady and controlled as you wanted to be because the horse wasn’t comfortable navigating such a difficult path with the pace you were forcing her to.

“Ah!”

Your attempt to balance was interrupted by Willow’s loud neigh, signaling her distress before she bolted into a full rampage. She was sprinting at an estimated speed of 20 miles per hour. Not even a skilled rider like Satoru himself would be cantering that fast on unfamiliar terrain and an unfit horse. But you, you clearly had a death wish, because instead of fearing for your own life, you were far more concerned at the thought of how dreamy Satoru and Akemi’s wedding would look like after your demise. They would definitely make Sachiro their ringbearer. Suguru would be the best man. Shoko, the maid of honor. People on the internet would praise them for being an attractive couple. They would anticipate their beautiful kids together, living in the same mansion he bought as a gift to you. He would kiss her good night, tell her loves her, and offer the whole world to her. They would exchange vows and promise themselves a lifelong commitment to be by each other’s side through sickness and in health, and only in death would they part.

“Willow!”

You let out a shriek as the reins slipped from your grasp, causing you to tumble off the saddle and crash onto the ground. The impact was first felt in your elbow, and a sharp, searing pain then radiated through your body. There you lay, sprawled on the dirt, helplessly watching Willow galloping out of control up the mountain, and then tragically plummeting off a cliff.

“Nooo! Willow, no!”

Utter hysteria overtook you. You sobbed uncontrollably, unable to determine which pain was more agonizing—the clearly broken elbow, the loss of the horse you had inadvertently led to its death, or the heart-wrenching reality of Satoru starting a family with someone else.

You were pathetic. You were such a pathetic excuse of a human being and this was why you deserve hell.

“Willow!”

Toji couldn’t love you. Your own son didn’t want to be around you. Satoru had gotten over you. And now, you drove a poor innocent horse to its demise because of your recklessness!

You were crying hysterically as you held your pained elbow, crawling by the cliff’s edge as you screamed for your horse’s name, but in the end, there was nothing you could do. You could only apologize to poor Willow for having such an irresponsible owner, and now she was dead because of you. 16 years of her life, she was able to live in peace until you came and ruined it all for her. It should have been you. You were the one who should have jumped off a cliff. You should atone for your sins and follow her, but you were too weak, far to overcome by the excruciating pain on your hip and your broken elbow to move or do anything at all.

That was, until your mind had completely shut down, leaving you as a mere body to be discarded alone in the darkness of the woods. You hoped that no one else would find you soon.

— —

“A-Angina?” Satoru’s eyes went wide. His whole world stopped before him.

“Yes. She was diagnosed with stable angina,” Dr. Mori confirmed, much to your husband’s horror. “But there is another factor that requires her to have more rest. You need to take good care of your wife, Mr. Gojou. Her body needs a lot of nutrients so she can carry safely.”

He could barely process the whole thing in his head because the news kept coming one after another, leaving him in a befuddled state with a flood of unanswered questions running through his mind. “What do you mean…?”

“Your wife is seven weeks pregnant.”

…

“Y/N?”

“Y/N!”

“Are you out of your mind?!”

You could barely pry your eyes open, but when you finally managed to, you were met with the concerned expression on Gen’s face. The harsh glare of fluorescent lights and the antiseptic scent confirmed to you that you were in the ER, likely an hour or two after the incident in the woods. The memory of the trail quickly flooded your thoughts, and a pang of sorrow gripped your heart as you recalled Willow's final moments before she fell off the cliff. The poor horse had lost her life, while the one responsible for her tragic death remained alive, save for the bandage wrapped around your arm.

“Why did you ride into the woods alone?” Gen persisted with her barrage of questions, standing by your bed as you attempted to sit up. “Are you suicidal or what? Riding your horse in a dangerous trail like that—”

“You know what, maybe I should have just died back there!” you snapped, wincing from the pain in your elbow. Her choice of words struck a nerve in you. “Maybe I’d prefer that over sitting here, listening to your sanctimonious lecture like you're so perfect yourself! How obnoxious.”

“Then, maybe you shouldn’t be riding so recklessly and causing alarm to everyone else!”

“Did I literally ask you to come save me?!”

The atmosphere around you two just became even more uninviting, with discomfiting silence seeping through as you and Gen were engaged in a sharp glaring contest. Your father stood behind her, clearing his throat to cut the tension.

“That’s enough, Gen.” Your dad placed a hand on her shoulder, and although she wanted to protest, she knew better not to keep stirring the pot after receiving his strict gaze. “Let’s just be thankful your sister is safe. There’s no need to be so overwhelming.”

You rolled your eyes, drawing in a deep breath before you looked away from them. None of them would ever understand your pain unless they were in your position. They didn’t carry the same baggage as you, so they would never fully comprehend the weight of your suffering. You had already dealt with similar pain on your own before and that was why you didn’t need any of them to come to your aid, meddling with your life like they knew exactly what you were going through. “Just leave me alone, you guys. I wanna rest.”

Since when did your relationship with your sister start to get rough? It wasn’t really like this before, but ever since she started to become too overprotective over you and your choices in life, particularly choices linked to Satoru, Gen had started to become insufferable in your eyes. She was acting too much like a mother; controlling your decisions, lecturing you about your personal relationships, being too involved with your private life. There, ever since that, you started to distance yourself from her, and she didn’t like that. Her stubbornness wouldn’t allow her to cease acting like this mature, picture perfect big sister to you.

With that said, Gen would have normally gotten annoyed when you asked them to leave you alone, but this time around, she seemed to have reflected on her insensitivity a lot better with your father around. “I’m sorry, okay?” she said, her tone still tinged with stubbornness, “I just got worried. I don’t know what’s gotten into you to put yourself in danger like that, but… please, Y/N. If you’re going through something, you can always speak to us. Dad and I, we’re here for you.”

To be fair, if you had to put yourself in their shoes, it really would have been alarming to know that your sister almost died. This wasn’t the first time you were at death’s door either, so they were probably scared shitless when they were informed of your situation. Your absolutely reckless situation. You didn’t mean to cause a scene, neither did you intend to bother them on their already busy schedules. You just had so many things in your mind while you were horseback riding, too engulfed by your own sorrow that you didn’t realize the repercussions after the incident had already taken place.

“I’m sorry, too.” Your voice softened with humility. “I didn’t mean to worry you guys. It was just really an accident.”

Of course, Gen suspected it was more than just an accident. Your dad did, too. It was obvious on their forlorn faces that they were worried for your mental and emotional well-being, but none of them dared address the elephant in the room. It seemed they didn’t need to, anyway, since one of the many reasons that contributed to your earlier breakdown took a peek from behind the curtains, clearing his throat and sending you a look of sympathy.

“Y/N?” Toji looked at your father and your sister for approval before stepping further inside your space in the ER. “Can I talk to you?”

There was no escaping Toji’s presence anymore. No more hiding, no more avoiding. You knew you had to have this talk with him no matter how many times you ignored his flood of texts and calls. While this may have struck as an opportune moment for him to speak to you in person, facing the painful truth of your situation weighed heavily on you. Besides, hadn’t the irony presented itself right there? If Satoru were the one trying to speak to you, even if he was the father of your child, Gen would have been quick to lash out at him. Yet with Toji, even with the general knowledge of what had transpired between you two, your sister still showed no hostility towards him, allowing him to approach you freely and without interference.

But then again, Toji was far from being a cheating, manipulative scumbag who not only caused you suffering but also sought to selfishly acquire your family’s company. Therefore, he wasn’t considered a threat.

Alright, then. Since Toji genuinely wasn’t a threat to your current emotional state, you agreed to talk with him. It was the first time you had seen the not-so-confident side of Toji Zen’in. He was typically a man of virtue, often holding his chin high, offering the best advice, and having insightful perspectives on life. However, it seemed you had shattered that confidence in him. You could sense his cautiousness around you as he stood by your side in the ER, assisting you with your needs, and eventually agreeing to your request to walk you to the rooftop garden.

“I don’t really think there’s anything else we should talk about.” It was you who first broke the silence, staring at the cityscape while sitting on a wheelchair. The calm breeze allowed your mind to seize the moment with a peaceful mind. “I already heard what you had to say.”

Toji found it better to kneel down in front of you to meet your eyes as he spoke to you in a sincere and earnest voice. “Y/N, I was drunk when I said all that shit back there. I didn’t mean them. I didn’t mean to hurt you with my callous words, and I feel awful that you had to hear them from me. You trusted me. You sought comfort from me. I wasn’t thinking like a normal person when those things came out of my mouth.”

“That doesn’t mean they weren’t true,” you replied with quiet resignation. It was the acceptance in your face that seemed to have caused Toji’s heartbroken gaze. “It’s okay, Toji. I think, when you said all those things, it actually made me realize some aspects of our relationship that had to be addressed. It made me more self-aware and it opened my eyes on the bigger picture.” You touched his hand, giving it a comforting squeeze as you mustered the courage to speak your next words. “It’s for the best that we part ways. It’s not fair to me to become a placeholder for your wife the same way it isn’t fair to you to have to deal with my ex-husband always being present in my life. Our unresolved feelings won’t really be resolved by being together.”

“Y/N…” Toji’s voice hinted at his vulnerable emotions, though he restrained himself from showing it fully. And you didn’t miss the apologetic look he had presented to you. “Despite all that, I hope you know that I’d been true to you. I do love you and will always love you. I’ll always be someone you can rely on, someone you can seek comfort from, someone you can turn to when you need help…”

Damn it. Why did he have to make it sound like an actual break up? Now, it tugged at your heartstrings and hit you in a place it shouldn’t have. You weren’t good at these things and it certainly was your first time dealing with such a mature and mutual separation, but wasn’t that a good thing? No further drama was to happen, leaving a stark comparison to your separation with Satoru. While this one didn’t hurt as much, it still brought a hollow feeling in your chest.

“Same for me,” you agreed, displaying a weak smile. “You’ll always have a spot in my heart, Toji. I’ll always be grateful that I met you.”

Sometimes, two people didn’t need to be together to love each other. Friendships could still thrive between ex-lovers, and that was why closure was so important. It not only closed a certain chapter of your life in a healthy way, but also allowed you to heal and open yourselves to a new beginning without any bitterness left behind.

It shouldn’t be considered bad to remain friends with an ex. It also shouldn’t be bad to give a parting kiss from said ex, right?

You weren’t the one who initiated it, after all. It was Toji’s hand that gently stroked your cheek. It was him, who leaned forward and pressed his lips onto yours. It wasn’t forceful, but neither was it passionate. It was simply a tender kiss of goodbye, feeling the warmth of each other’s lips for one last time before you two would transition from being lovers to friends. What you didn’t understand from this supposedly bittersweet moment was the faint tears that somehow managed to escape your eyes, perhaps because you knew that once Toji left, you would be alone again.

You had no one by your side to love you, cherish you, choose you, and offer their entire world for you. You were meant to live this cruel world all by yourself.

As he pulled away, he pressed his forehead against yours. “Please learn to love yourself before anyone else, Y/N. It’s what you need and what you deserve.”

That night, while you were getting your MRI, your mind kept flying to the possibilities of a future without having anyone by your side. Any normal person would tell you to focus on loving yourself first, as Toji did recently, focusing on what matters most, and ridding yourself of the toxic things that hinder you from moving forward with your life. Things weren’t as easy as they sounded. Besides, it was different being on the receiving end of the said advice. How could you do those things when the primary cause of your pain was someone whose life would always be linked to yours forever?

Based on the result of your MRI scans, your doctor recommended that you undergo elbow arthroscopy. It was just a minimally invasive procedure compared to open surgeries, but considering how much of an overthinker your dad was when it came to your health, he insisted on your confinement at the hospital until you had been completely cleared of any other issues. He really placed a big deal on your condition and emphasized to the doctors that they make sure nothing was missed. It could have been worse; you could have had a broken hip or a fractured leg, but at least you only had a dislocated elbow. Nothing that couldn’t be easily corrected by surgery and physical therapy.

The decision was for you to stay there for two days, and on your first night, a crying Sachiro ran inside your private room because his ‘mama has a boo boo’. Gen said he was picked up from daycare and dropped off at the hospital because the poor kid was looking for you. She didn’t mention who dropped your son off to you, but you could tell it was Satoru. You could sense it by the glances she exchanged with Ian after you asked how Sachiro came to the hospital.

So, in that case, Satoru must have found out about your little incident and didn’t care enough to see you. Did he not even have an ounce of care anymore? Or was it Gen who stopped him from seeing you?

“Did you ask him to leave?” you confronted Gen in a mellow voice, rubbing Sachiro’s back as he snuggled into you on the hospital bed.

Your sister knew exactly which man you were referring to, and she denied having done such. “No, I didn’t even talk to him. He took Sachi here and left.”

You didn’t know why you looked at Ian to confirm the truth of his wife’s words, but hurt yourself upon seeing his bowed head. It was an apologetic expression that did signify your ex-husband’s blatant act of ignoring you. To hear about your near-death experience and simply leave without even checking on you should be your wake-up call. He didn’t care anymore. No, why should he care? He had Akemi. His only responsibility with you was to be a supportive father to your son.

Why did the pain in your heart feel far more agonizing than the discomfort on your dislocated elbow?

If anything, you wanted to ask for the strongest anesthetic they could offer to numb your pain. You were desperate to have anything even if they had to put you into an eternal sleep. That would have been much easier to deal with than feeling disregarded by a person you supposedly had moved on from. Satoru did nothing wrong here. It was you who had that expectation, only to disappoint yourself when things didn’t happen as you imagined.

And just when you thought things would get better as long as you ignore your torturous thoughts, it didn’t help that being in the hospital kept giving you flashbacks of the time you were in this exact room, hearing Satoru crying helplessly from outside and begging for you not to terminate his child. What comes around certainly goes back around. Or worse.

Such depressive thoughts had you occupied throughout your stay there, and your unusual placidness alarmed the nurses instead of being assured that you were doing well. You heard your doctors telling your father and sister to always keep a close eye on you as the incident may not seem serious, but the trauma would undoubtedly be present somewhere and somehow. Were they aware? Of your intrusive thoughts of wanting to hurt yourself?

The elbow arthroscopy was successful and by the second day, you were free to go home. You were placed on certain medications to help with the swelling and the pain, and while you were walking around the hospital with a listless mind, you happened to pass by the Obstetrics and Gynecology Department. What a deja vu it was, remembering the time you had seen Satoru there waiting outside for Sera. Back then, it was one of the climactic events in your life that led to a domino effect on the downfall of your marriage. Not that you were reminiscing, but it did remind you that Shoko was probably there in her consultation room and it would be nice to talk to a friend who had witnessed the wild history of your marriage.

You asked Gen to wait for you in the car while you headed to Ieiri’s consultation room, assuring your visibly worried sister that everything was fine and that you wouldn’t take too long. You had to give Gen some slack, because despite the strains in your relationship as sisters, she was still always there for you. At the end of the day, she was family.

Shoko, on the other hand, was the next closest thing you had for a sister. She welcomed you inside her room in a very worried embrace, telling you that if she had known about the incident, she would have gone straight to your hospital room on your first day, but you told her not to worry about it and understood that being in the medical field already had her schedule tight.

“Well, I guess it’s perfect that you’re here, too.” Shoko smiled warmly, sitting behind her desk. She had exciting news to offer, it seemed. “I just wanna say that… of course, I’ll still be sending you a formal invitation and everything. I actually have a few gifts along with it.”

You shared her enthusiasm. “Hmm… is it what I think it is?”

The wedding. The most eventful day of her life would be arriving soon and you were the first one to hear it.

“Yes!” she answered, with the utmost joy coruscating from her eyes. “I want you to be my maid-of-honor, Y/N. I’d be extremely happy if you could make it. I know you just got into an accident, but it won’t be until two months, so—”

“Hey, it’s okay.” You eased her worries by chuckling. “I’m completely fine, of course I’ll be there. I can’t miss it.”

Shoko was grateful to hear your answer, relieved even, because by asking you to be her maid-of-honor, you should already understand who Suguru’s best man would be. That was a touchy subject for you and she was keenly aware of it, but you didn’t want her to worry. You didn’t want your relationship with your ex-husband to have a negative impact on the relationship of all the other people surrounding the both of you. It was already bad enough that Shoko and Suguru almost called off their engagement after they fought over their morals as you and Satoru’s friends, and you were glad that they somehow made things work. They somehow set aside their disagreements and ultimately chose their love over anything else.

Their love was beautiful, and while that wasn’t something you could easily have, it was something you deeply admired.

“Where are you guys planning to hold your wedding?” you asked, steering the conversation away from any mention of your ex-husband. “Here or overseas?”

She delighted you with her answer, sounding as if this was the perfect wedding she had always dreamed of. “It’s an intimate wedding on the lakeside. Suguru chose the location, actually, since he wanted our wedding to have the view of Mount Fuji.”

“That’s perfect,” you said with wide eyes. “Lake Kawaguchiko?”

“Yep. That’s exactly where it’d be.” She smiled with her eyes. “You know this resort… Hoshinoya Fuji? We already booked the place, and we have a luxury cabin for friends and families to stay at.”

You had been there before, but you were too young to remember. All you knew was that it was a high-end resort that had the best panoramic views of Lake Kawaguchiko and Mount Fuji. The hotel owner was also a close friend of the Gojou family, so that was probably why they were able to rent the entire place for the wedding, especially at a peak season for tourists.

Since the fall season was arriving, you could only imagine the stunning views of the autumn foliage there. It offered the perfect weather, too. It wouldn’t be as hot as summer, nor as freezing as winter. Surely, it would be nice to do some nature walks and stargazing, maybe ride a boat or bathe in a hot spring. You looked forward to it, except for the fact that your ex-husband would also be there.

And just what a perfect timing it was, because as Shoko sorted through her patients' medical records above her desk, a file slipped from the pile, revealing the name of your very friend, Akemi.

“Oh,” Shoko murmured apologetically as she retrieved the record, not wanting to ruin the mood of your conversation. “She, uh, came by a few days ago... with Gojou.”

You didn’t need to ask. You didn’t need to hear any further detail. Akemi’s visit likely revolved around her desire to conceive, as she wouldn’t have visited Shoko otherwise. Why? If it were simply to monitor her polycystic ovary, why did she choose Shoko instead of her own gynecologist? Thinking of how your ex-husband and best friend were attempting to start a family together left your heart shattered in unimaginable pieces, stirring up painful memories of your pathetic marriage with Satoru and reopening old wounds you thought had already healed from. Wasn’t it ironic that a couple of years ago, you were crying over the same situation with Sera?

You couldn’t stand this feeling anymore. You thought you had already freed yourself from the pain of loving him, yet here you were suffering from the same heartbreak over and over and over again. Tears threatened to spill, but you held them back, the ache in your chest too raw to confront just yet.

“It’s funny.” Although you displayed an outward smile, the sadness in your voice reflected your otherwise inward thoughts. You didn’t know why you said that. You were just too… too emotional. Almost like you couldn’t breathe. “He was never this passionate with me. They seem so in love.”

Ieiri’s eyes carried sisterly concern in them. “Y/N, it’s not really what you think.”

Was it? You weren’t sure what to feel anymore. You certainly weren't there to hear it anymore, either. Satoru chose her, just like what you wanted for him to do. Just like what you asked him to do. He had moved on, he had found someone who would love him for who he was, he had chosen the woman he would share the rest of his future with. Call yourself ridiculous for even feeling hurt about it, because you had no right to be and you definitely chose this. Either you own up to it, or you cry about it for the rest of your life.

Both choices had no happy endings.

— —

When Satoru learned about your incident in the woods, he thought he was going to lose his mind.

Was it out of love that he swiftly left the office in the middle of a meeting just to get to where you were?

He still had to pick up Sachiro from daycare, and he felt bad telling his son on the way to the hospital that his mother was hurt. It actually gave Satoru a hard time explaining to the 3-year old that they had to go to the hospital because his mommy was there and that she had an unfortunate encounter while riding a horse.

“Dada, is… is mama okay?” Sachiro pouted with wide, tearful eyes as he clung to his father’s hand. “Sachi wants to go to mama!”

“She’ll be okay, Sachi.” Gojou carried his son and soothed him as they went inside the hospital, searching for you. “Mommy’s strong, remember?”

Was it out of love that he wanted to be the person that brought your son to you when you most needed him?

According to the nurse, your room was on the seventh floor, but when he got there, your room was empty. It was Ian who told him that you went up the rooftop garden to get some fresh air, insisting that if Satoru wanted to go and talk to you, that it was best to leave Sachiro with them.

And so he did. He ran hastily, almost out of breath, until he reached the rooftop, scanning every face within the vicinity until his tired blue eyes finally landed on you.

Satoru laughed in disbelief. He scoffed bitterly, with each breath full of disgust. The tips of his fingers felt cold, while his breathing grew thin and ragged. He could feel his stomach clenching at the humiliation of seeing you engaged in an intimate make-out session with Toji Zen’in.

How sickeningly sweet.

At that point, he was laughing at his own expense, ignoring the elderly lady who looked at him like he was a crazy person. He stood there frozen for a few minutes, watching you kiss another man before it finally woke him up from reality.

It was out of love that he let you go.

You see? This was where his attachment to you would lead him. It was pure and unreasonable selfishness, but he would gain nothing at all from even seeing you. He didn’t need to care for you at all, no. You had Toji. You seemed to be goddamn happy with your life with Toji. And what a romantic fucking moment that was, too.

Satoru couldn’t think straight when he hurriedly left the hospital and got inside his car. He desperately wanted to forget the painful image of you locking lips with somebody else. How? How would he? Fuck! He was mad, mad at himself for choosing to come to your aid like he still had any role in your life. He was disgusted at himself for ignoring Akemi’s calls after promising her a movie date after work. He couldn’t believe he had her waiting all by herself in that cinema, waiting for him to come while he was stupidly running around the hospital to see his ex-wife.

You chose Toji, then you better be happy. Satoru hoped you were happy, and that wish came from a place of genuineness. He genuinely hoped the best for you. Because for him, it was time to fully let go and stop himself from trying to be the superhero whenever you were in danger. You weren’t his wife anymore.

So, was it out of love that he headed straight to Akemi’s apartment that night with a bouquet of red roses?

She didn’t know what happened nor was she given the full detail as to why he unintentionally stood her up on their date night. He had just briefly explained that he had to drop Sachiro off to you at a hospital because you got into a small accident. Akemi, being your friend, got immediately worried upon hearing the situation and asked if Satoru was able to check on you.

He said no. He said Toji was there. He said he left as soon as dropped Sachiro off.

And in an effort to apologize for not paying attention to the current woman in his life, Satoru pulled Akemi in a tight embrace. He held her in her arms, drunk from the sweet and citrusy notes of her perfume, before pulling away to kiss her. He kissed her with the same passion as you did with Toji. Perhaps even more, even better. He completely devoured her lips, with a hand on her cheek and the other on her waist. The taste of her tongue was sweet like strawberries, while her lips were red like cherries.

This woman was all he needed.

But was this love? He didn’t know. It was too soon to tell, too early to answer, too hasty to even consider.

— —

The current situation you were in reminded you of your younger self after your mother had died. It was the same before; you never left the house, often locking yourself in your room, shutting yourself off from the world, and drowning yourself with the pain and loneliness of losing somebody important.

Sure, no one really died for you to be acting this way right now, but the feeling was still the same. Was this really a comeuppance to all of your wrongdoings before? But just how terrible were you of a person to be hit by this unbelievable truckload of sorrow? You might as well spur on the physical pains of your angina again if this torment continued. Otherwise, how else do you avoid it?

You were being a terrible mother, too. You were too engrossed by your own misery that you couldn’t even properly take care of Sachiro. He didn’t deserve to have an incompetent and irresponsible mother like you. He deserves someone better, someone like Akemi, who not only has all the motherly traits a woman should have, but also the physical and mental capacity of being a true, strong woman.

Sachiro was bound to have that, anyway. Now that his father was planning his lifelong journey with another woman, and now that he was trying to build a happy family with her, you were no longer needed in the picture. There was no need for you.

How many more times would you tell that you have accepted it?

Because, god be damned, you knew you couldn’t. You knew you were lying to yourself when you said everything was fine, lying to Satoru when you told him you didn’t need him in your life anymore, lying to Toji for telling him that you wanted to marry him, lying to Akemi that you didn’t care if she was seeing your ex-husband, and lying to Sachiro when you promised to him that you would never leave his side. You were a liar. A terrible liar. A pitiful, terrible liar.

How would you tell the universe that you couldn’t take it anymore? That, for once, you wanted to be showered by happiness and all the good things in life?

Sera was right. Not everyone could have it all. There were people of lesser fortune who weren’t blessed to live a lavish life like you, yet still work hard to achieve what they want. Why couldn't you achieve your own happiness without blaming it on the universe? If this was simply a lesson, then weren’t you the top student at this rate?

God. God, help me. You really didn’t know how to deal with this life anymore. You weren’t sure how to proceed. You couldn’t rely on anything other than the bottle of alcohol on your hand—what was once full was now half empty after you took another swig. This was your second bottle already, wasn’t it? Or third?

You got up from the floor and failed to walk in a straight line as you made your way towards the balcony. Your steps were unsteady, wavering like a leaf caught in a gentle breeze. With each attempt to move forward, your body swayed from side to side, struggling to maintain balance. You almost lost grip of the bottle you were holding. No, it did, in fact, slip from your hand and ended up crashing into the floor. Shards of glass lay across the ground, ready to pierce the soles of your feet to mirror the same physical pain your heart was experiencing.

“Stop,” you muttered under your breath, begging for your chest to stop hurting. But it only worsened, and your antidote to that was to wash it down with even more liquor. No matter how expensive it was, you didn’t even like the taste of alcohol. You hated the sting on your throat whenever you drank it. You despised the bitterness it left on your tongue. However, it did great at numbing your emotions.

It just felt wrong in many ways that you were seeing Satoru’s face whenever you closed your eyes. You could see his smile, his loving eyes, his beautiful lips. You missed his embrace, his kiss, his touch. You missed hearing his I love you’s. Him. You missed him. You yearned for him. Three goddamn years, and you were still undeniably in love with him.

“Satoru…” you cried, sitting on the floor. Each breath made it harder and harder for you to catch as tears continued to stream down your face. You were tired of pretending, denying that you no longer had feelings for him when you knew deep down that you would always choose him. “S-Satoru… come back to me, please.”

Was it him coming inside your room? Or was it your vision making a fool out of you?

“Baby, what are you doing?” Satoru’s expression was engulfed in immense worry as he knelt down and reached out to you, touching your cheek and looking at your eyes somberly. “Don’t do this yourself, Y/N.”

Your head hung low, your gaze unfocused and glazed, as you fought to keep your eyes on the path ahead. You had to reach him. You wanted to touch him, hug him. And despite your best efforts, your movements were disjointed and erratic, betraying the effects of the alcohol coursing through your veins.

“Y/N, that’s enough.” Gen had to use force just to be able to snatch the bottle away from you, forcing you to wake up to the reality where Satoru no longer existed to be there for you. It was her who came rushing inside your room in the middle of the night. The bottle of liquor was now spilled all over the floor. The same could be described with your emotions. “Get it together. You haven’t been acting like yourself lately!”

You couldn’t, even if you wanted to. You were in delirium after having dealt with all the terrible things the world had thrown at you. If you couldn’t drown yourself in alcohol, how else would you have been able to numb the pain? How else would you have been able to… forget?

As much as your sister tried to hide the obvious sympathy in her voice, even your drunken mind could recognize it. “We all know you’re going down the depression lane again, but never to this extent.” Her voice cracked in the middle of her sentence, cradling you into her arms as a tear fell down her face. The Gen who would usually lecture you, was now holding you in her arms as her only baby sister. “Stop this, Y/N, please. Don’t ruin your life the second time. I-It’s hurting me. It’s hurting Dad. Do you… do you realize what Sachiro’s gonna think of you when he sees you like this?”

“Gen…” Muffled sobs unwillingly came out of you, leaving you with such excruciating pain in the chest, so much so that it didn’t even feel like you had done surgery to fix your (quite literally) broken heart. “I w-want him back,” you continued to cry, “I want my husband back. I want to be with h-him, Gen.”

“Y/N.”

“Where’s S-Satoru…? D-Did he leave? Please take me to him—”

“Y/N, listen to me.” She gently cupped your cheeks, forcing you to look at her pained eyes. “You’re intoxicated. He was never here, and he’d never come for you. You have to let it go.”

“But—”

“He’s not good for you. He never will be.”

— —

It had been two weeks since Satoru last heard about you. Miwa was the one who updated him that you had already returned to your family’s mansion, letting him know that you were okay and that you were recovering well. Frankly, Satoru was starting to get annoyed at the fact that his secretary was still giving him updates about you. What did he care? He wasn’t your husband anymore.

Besides, Toji was probably visiting you every day, so why did he have to worry about you? If there was anyone he should be worried about, it was Akemi. She had been experiencing terrible pelvic cramps lately, which needed to be given serious attention, but you would never see her being dramatic about it. The only thing she needed was for Gojou to accompany her visits to the OB-GYN, and even then, she never showered herself in self-pity. She carried herself like an independent woman, and that was exactly what Satoru needed in his life right now.

He had a son to raise. He had a company to run. It wasn’t the perfect time to commit himself to someone lawfully. Heck, he didn’t even believe in marriage anymore. He realized that two people could still love each other without getting married. As long as Akemi didn’t pressure him about such things, he was fine with having her around. She didn’t ask for anything much, anyway.

As for you, well…

“What are you planning with that mansion you gifted Y/N?” asked Nanami, seated on the couch inside Satoru’s office, casually reading a newspaper. “Do you even remember that?”

He certainly did. “What about it?” he questioned, idly toying with a pen on his desk. “It’s her property now. She can sell it if she wants.”

Better yet, you should let Sachiro inherit the property someday. His son was already set for a life of privilege having wealthy parents on both sides, but wouldn’t the mansion be a substantial addition to his assets in the future? Satoru couldn’t help but envision the kind of man his son would grow up into. He hoped Sachiro would not inherit his father's immaturity and pettiness but would embody the kindness and altruism of his mother. From a business perspective, however, Satoru planned to groom his son to be a leader, as he was the sole heir to the Gojou Group. Additionally, he would also inherit half of Creston and the entirety of Hearte. No wonder Sachiro was recently listed as the wealthiest kid by Forbes Japan. He even beat Megumi Zen’in from the list even though the teenager was the heir of the Zen’in business empire.

These were the thoughts that should consume Satoru—the future, not the past. His kid, not you. And he was right about doing so, because when he came home to his penthouse, he was told that he had a visitor.

A visitor on a Wednesday afternoon?

Your brother-in-law, the esteemed prosecutor who sent his evil stepmother to jail, appeared on his front door, carrying Sachiro in his arms. It was hard to tell what type of emotions were visible on the man’s face, but he definitely didn’t bring any good news.

“Ian?” Satoru promptly made way for the man to come in, ushering him into the penthouse and allowing him to set Sachiro down. The young boy was quick to dart off to his playroom, leaving the two men in an uncomfortable silence. “What’s going on? Weekends are usually my schedule with Sachi.”

Ian cleared his throat, a hand on his pocket. “Do you mind looking after Sachiro for the time being?”

By saying ‘for the time being’, it seemed like Ian wanted to actually say ‘until further notice.’ But that confused Satoru even more, because what was happening for the man to come here and ask him to let Sachiro stay beyond the agreed schedule with his father? He couldn’t read through Ian’s expression and it was making him uneasy.

“I can, but… why so suddenly?” Gojou asked, glancing at his oblivious son.

“It’s Y/N’s idea, Gen doesn’t know about it.” Ian released an awkward chuckle. “You know how my wife is.”

Gen would absolutely hate it, Satoru was aware for sure. Though the questions lingered in his mind. “Why would Y/N want Sachi to stay with me? Where’s she?”

Was it him or was Ian having a hard time explaining the situation? It felt like he was walking on eggshells, deciding between what had to be said and what shouldn’t. He was careful with his words when he spoke again, “Y/N flew to Monaco this morning and will be back when she’s ready. She says Sachiro should spend all of his time with you while she’s gone.”

Monaco? Why would you be there?

Confusion bathed Satoru’s eyes. “Is it for a fashion event or something?”

“No, she’s just…” Ian struggled heavily. “Well, to sum it up, she has to go there to sort some things out. It’s a personal thing, but she really needs this time for herself and we think it’s the best for her right now. I don’t know how long she’s gonna stay there or when she’ll be back, but I hope you understand what I’m trying to say here.”

No, he didn’t. Satoru found it difficult to fathom his ex-brother-in-law’s words, seeing as he had no general idea of what was truly going on. But if you were flying to Monaco, surely Toji wouldn’t allow you to go there all by yourself?

Ahh. It made sense now. I see what’s happening here.

Satoru’s lips curled into sarcasm. You would be vacationing with the love of your life. Is that what it was? Planning your halted wedding? Choosing wedding gowns? Looking for venues? There was no way you would be flying to Monaco alone, especially without Sachiro around when you two had been inseparable since his birth.

“What kinda mother is she?” Satoru muttered in disgust, unaware that Ian had overheard him. But Ian had heard loud and clear. How could you leave your son behind like this? Couldn’t you face your ex-husband to discuss it, instead of just dropping Sachiro off as if he were some unwanted toy?

“Hold it right there,” Ian interjected, becoming defensive at the accusation. “You have no idea what she’s going through.”

How would he know? No one was telling him shit. No one was giving him details, so did they expect him to understand things and accept them as they were? Did they do the same thing to Satoru when he was at the verge of losing his sanity asking everyone for forgiveness over and over?

“I've never taken sides between you two, Satoru, you know that,” Ian continued, trying to maintain a calm demeanor and speak with clear judgment, “But one thing I’m not gonna let you do is call Y/N a bad mother.”

Satoru’s chest tightened at Ian's words, a mixture of guilt and frustration bubbling up inside him. He knew he shouldn’t have spoken out of turn, but the pain and resentment were too raw to contain. It felt like you were abandoning him and your child, like you were off to a new chapter in your life again, and leaving everything behind. Perhaps this was his trauma from the New York thing crawling back at him, but it definitely reminded him of the day you had abandoned him. For three fucking years. How long would it take you to return now?

Why do you keep doing this? He was sick of it. You kept running away instead of talking to him. He gets it, people change, circumstances change, but couldn’t you at least have the decency to talk to him about it? Was it wrong for him to wish you’d handled this differently? To wish that you’d talked to him, involved him in the decision-making process, instead of just making this unilateral decision and leaving him to pick up the pieces?

Satoru took a moment, collecting his thoughts before continuing. “It’s fine, I’ll take care of Sachi,” he reassured, “I’ll take some time off work and have ‘Kemi help me out.”

He looked back at Ian, his eyes pleading for further details, for answers, for some semblance of clarity in the midst of this emotional turmoil.

Yet none of it was given.

And so, would it still be wrong to assume that he could now completely forget about you? That this opportunity to be with Sachiro would allow him a chance to share it with someone else? If you spent three years of your life playing house in New York with Toji, would it still be unfair for Satoru to do the same with Akemi?

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forestryfae · 1 year ago

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its like. i KNOW, on some level, that its kind of fucked up that dad and mom are like. not talking to me or reaching out and they never have ven when i was a kid, and i know on some level its pretty fucked up how little they care about me yet somehow want a say in EVERYTHING in my life

and its kinda fucked up that i asked my dad about a hypothetical scenario where i rent that really shitty apartment he has in the basement for a little while after finally getting rid of the house i currently live in. just so ill have somewhere to live until i find a better apartment somewhere. and somehow my brother gets 12k a month and only pays 4k ish but i make 18k a month so i should ay 10k in rent just cus

and somehow im just a trash heap so when i moved into the house i got a bunch of crap my parents just didnt want. my old stuff from when i was a kid?? okay thanks for the toys but can i ssell them or give some of them to my little sister? NO. what if my little sister comes to visit. they dont fucking visit me more than once a year at most and they only visit my neighbours or show up when im not around. baby pictures??? stuff i had when i was a baby like a toy and some shit drawings from when i was a kid???? WHY WOULD THEY GIVE ME THAT. its stuff that should be sentimentally important enough for dad to keep, not give to me cus theyd feel bad throwing it away or give to me cus it was taking up space. mom kept the big photoalbum books i had to go get from dads house before they sold it even tho it was all packed away and probably hadnt been in a bookshelf for a while and i didnt even get my own babypictures or the album even tho mom said i was gonna get it when i moved out some furniture and shit?? mom didnt wanna get rid of a fucking bench with drawers so he asked me if i wanted it?? i said okay but like if i try selling it is she gonna want it back? and she even tried buying an unopened box with a dresser in it (i dont have space for it anywhere. YET.) from me even tho i said i needed it. she couldve just asked where she got it or some shit, they literally still sell it at the store and you can order it online and dad and stepmom came with some mats and lamps for me "in case i needed some" so thats lying in the garage taking up space cus i dont have any use for them. they even gave me a fucking roomba even tho i didnt think itd help and i never used it and now they want it back cus they wanna give it to grandma. like i get the logic but why give it away if you want it back.

and like. most of my shit is secondhand from family. because the solution to all my problems is apparently not getting me the fuck out of that house, its Giving Me Things. i just got picked up from the psychiatrists office or i have a headache and feel awful or i almost had a panic attack, but dad cant drop me off at home or even at moms house cus that takes 10 minutes extra so instead i get a soda. cus that makes up for him just letting me have a headache or literally driving me aorund for 3 hours cus hes got "chores" (checking out used car dealerships for more cars he can buy so he can fix them cus his hobbies are so important he cant just put them aside and make sure were fed or have clothes, thats mom and grandmas job)

so instead of actually trying to help me or spend time with me they give me shit. i dont see people for literal months and im literally crying daily for hours in the middle of fucking winter and nobody even fucking talks to me but the best way to fix that?? give me a christmas tree and ornaments. give me some of their old decorations too. bail on me to stay home for new years eve but thats okay cus i got a christmas tree they bought for me cus that fixes everything i dont have a table and chairs to sit in the livingroom or kitchen and im almost having a mental breakdown cus i think THATS whats missing and having more furniture is going to fix the complete lack of any connection with other people cus if i have a big house and i have stting space people will actually bother visiting. so ofc dad gives me their old furniture from their cottage, theyve been meaning to get rid of it so they can replace it anyways. literally giving me their unwanted shit cus its easier. going to the thriftstore with me is too much work and i cant get to any of the more remote but cheap furniture stores but thats okay cus they dont care and for as long as they dont have to drive me or spend time with me all is well.

like it is no fuckin wonder im struggling to even save up money when i keep buying shit cus thats literally what always happens when im with family. we go on a daytrip somwhere to buy shit cus there no fucking connection there thats worth even trying to deal with, so the whole idea of an experience or bonding isnt really applicable. being a kid and hanging out with the paternal side of the family was literally always a shopping trip where we bought new clothes. cus dads cheap and didnt wanna spend his precious hobby money on clothes, he wants to fix cars for months then sell them for a couple extra hundreds, and my uncle and aunt and cousin only visited for weekends every now and then so it wasnt often either. but it was practically every time.

like even when im alone in the city or somewhere i wind up spending money on shit cus i just. dont have the self control and who gives a shit anyways its not like ill be able to ever save up for anything and atleast this way i get something i want besides just groceries or whatever. and maybe if i buy the right things ill have motivation to actually do shit like having hobbies or fixing my life and if i have the right aesthetic ill atleast feel less like all my shit is embarrassing and childish and i wont get tired of it as easily ig. but also like whats the fucking point of anything. it feels like im no allowed to get things i genuinely want or thhink would help and im not allowed to switch things out when theyre not working. im not allowed to get a new desk cus i have an old one i dont want and never use, i have a new one ive never used and thats driving me insane because of the size and how can i know it doesnt help or work or makes me wanna draw if i havent even tried it. so i already have stuff so im not allowe dt get new things or nicer things.

except a new desk would atleast let me clean my room properly and itd give me more space and maybe if i was allowed to do that id finally draw again us id have somewhere to put my art stuff and somewhere nice to sit. maybe itd make stuff easier and nicer for me?? is that not a good reason. especially considering everything else. im fuckign depressed, ive been for years and im only now starting to get a little better, i have a house i dont wanna fucking live in most of the time cus its just one big boring fucking chore and i cant even afford it. i cant even clean it properly or fix anything cus why bother, i dont wanna fucking be here i hate it here. it sucks and its lonely and its not even functional and nothing works and i cant even decide on a wallcolor without everyone else giving me their input whether i ask for it or not. i have 40k in an account and im not even allowed to look at it and i didnt even know i had it cus mom never fucking told me about it. i literally just wanna get rid of everything and start over and move somewhere and actually have a car and a job i enjoy that i actually get paid for and some mental stability so i can go to the job and get dishes and laudnry done without it being a fucking struggle every god damn time.

#talkies #long post//////////////////////////////////////////#so yeah. im gonna go do laundry and maybe ill make macaroni for dinner. idk what ill put in it tho. maybe cheese or some shit #anyways the point of the post was i know on some level hat this shit is kinda fucked up. but im used to it so i dont actualy know how much #and its hard to feel like im allowed to be upset due to neglect + emotional abuse and so on cus i wasnt allowed to have feelings other peopl #people didnt want me to have. and i was usually yelled at for bing upset about literally anything ever no mater what it was #and im so used to being treated this way that i feel like its my fault cus im worthless and its selfish to want people to actually care abou #t me. and it feels weird cus its like. am i allowed to be upset about this. is this my own fault? am i an asshole for all of this? it feels

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euphoricfilter · 2 years ago

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bae i got covid 😐 i literally wanna kms and it’s even more embarrassing bc THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I GET IT AND I DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING RISKY I LITERALLY GOT IT FROM A COWORKER >:(((( im so annoyed like i feel so weak and ugh i wanna bang my head against the wall but that will make my headache much worse!!! i just wanna dig a hole and cry in there :(-🌙

idk how but to this day i still haven’t caught covid?? or not that i know of?? my whole family got it christmas so we couldn’t celebrate, and by some miracle i didn’t catch it in that tiny lil apartment?? my immune system is shit as well, especially after china was in lock down for literally months more than the rest of the world??

HOWD YOU GET IT TWICE TF 😭 my dad said his symptoms went away after a few days so i’ll manifest that happens for you too babes 🥲

idk what helps, maybe um um um um sleep is probably useful, and taking medicine periodically, drink enough water and eat a lot of yummy things, and uhhhhhh maybe watch something you really really like to distract you a lil from the pain 🥲

#ask #🌙anon

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ikyw-t · 3 years ago

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i do not feel greattttttt today, head hurts and also i feel depression and also profoundly lonely ... a day in the life

#well . yknow. u can't win em all #also it's very cloud and windy and rainy and i took two headache pills but they didnt help #so now i just feel lightheaded and a little dizzy and my head still hurts. suffering #also my childhood bff and his are both so sweet and nice to me obvi #and yet i feel extremely lonely watching them be cute together. like no offense but it makes me wanna cry #that's not their fault tho #anyway #I have pasta coming soon so yay for that #p

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rommahh · 3 years ago

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I Carry Your Heart

Harry Styles x Reader

Word Count: 4k

{Ahhhh ok so this is my first work like ever. There will definitely be a second part because ive got more to say and it needs a second part. I hope whoever sees and reads this imagine enjoys it. I appreciate comments, likes, reblogs, ideas on what could go into the story, and any form of help and redirection as to how i should write things. Much love, R.}.

Part two

All Y/N wanted tonight was to hang out with her boyfriend, eat a mass amount of junk food, and watch a marvel movie or two. That was all she wanted and that was all she asked of her boyfriend. Instead of any of that happening, she found herself sitting on the nasty kitchen island of her boyfriend's frat at a party that she was trying to avoid going to.

This party was supposedly ‘the party of the year.’ The last rager before finals and then christmas break. Y/N had spent the whole week studying and finishing up end of semester projects hence the want for a chill night. When Harry came to her saying his frat was throwing a party tonight and that he just HAD to be here, Y/N didn't feel like she had a choice but to let him go. She came because she thought this would be the only time she would be able to have some time with Harry after a long week of barely seeing each other. With two vastly different majors, the couple wasnt able to find a lot of time in the middle of school work to make time for just the two of them. Obviously her hopes of quality time with her man were futile because here she was sitting by herself in the kitchen of the frat while Harry drank and got high with his friends in other parts of the house.

Of course she was disappointed. She felt a knot in her throat and a weight on her chest just sitting there in that kitchen. Her white claw was warm now- not that it was any cold when she opened it. She was starting to form a small headache from the too loud music and the ache in her heart was growing.

She stood from the countertop on the search for her boyfriend, hoping he wasn't too far gone from sober. Wiping the back of her jeans from anything that was left on the island, she began walking around the house. She doesn't remember the last time the two of them spent time together by themselves. Of course they occasionally ate dinner together in the dining hall but they were normally surrounded by friends. Y/N wanted to be alone with her boyfriend to talk and bask in his presence.

After pushing through groups of partying humans, she found Harry and at least ten other people sitting around playing some sort of drinking game.

“Y/N! Where have you been?” Luca, one of Harry's frat brothers yelled out to her from the circle. Luca was cool, he was one of the only tolerable boys in this frat aside from Harry. Hearing his girlfriend's name, Harry turned around from where he sat on the ground and reached out for his girlfriend to sit beside him. Much to Y/N’s dismay, Harry was wasted. His eyes were half mass and his words bumped and slurred together. “We are playing truth or dare, wanna play?” Luca asked.

“I don't wanna play but Ill sit and watch.” Sitting next to her boyfriend, she grabbed one of his hands holding it in her lap. She was annoyed at him but it did her no good to show it when he was this drunk.

This game of truth or dare was childish. Dares of licking people's shoes and taking multiple shots had been done and truths about money and relationships were being spilled among the group. It had finally become Harry’s turn to do something, making Y/N tense.

“Ok Harry, I dare you to…” One drunk frat boy started looking around the room trying to come up with something clever. His eyes landed on a pretty girl in the room, Yara, a stuck up girl who for sure got her way no matter what. “I dare you to kiss the hottest girl in the room- obviously not your girlfriend because that defeats the purpose.” The frat boy smirked knowing what his intentions were. Everyone in the group giggles and gasped shocked by the dare but ready to see what was going to go down. Y/N’s brows furrowed as she became angry with the stupid dare.

The ache in her chest seemed to tip over the edge when she felt her boyfriend in the room move to stand up. She grabbed at the bottom of his shirt as a way of stopping him. Harry halted his movements to look down at his girlfriend. He giggled a little.

“You’re not actually going to do this right?” She asked Harry with wide eyes of shock. Harry laughed at her like she made a joke, making her heart hurt even more.”Harry I do not want you to do this just take the shot and lose the dare.” Her tone held warning.

“Don't be silly of course I'm going to. It's just a dare, nothing serious. Don't be so clingy.” He stood walking over to Yara and planted a wet kiss on her mouth. Yara gripped Harry’s shirt and kissed him harder. The kiss went on for a few more seconds, the room absolutely silent out of shock. Harry stepped back from Yara slightly sobering up from his actions. Yara smirked at Y/N, hand gliding down the front of Harry's shirt.

Y/N stood from the seat she was in and scoffed. Scoffed because she should've known Harry would do something like this. Scoffed because it hurt to see her boyfriend do something so careless without any regard for his girl's feelings. She pulled herself together, feeling her throat tighten once again. She was quick to leave the room and down the hall of the frat.

Harry's clumsy steps could be heard from behind her as he mumbled her name. Or at least he tried to. He was still so out of it, his words not making much sense. Y/N was crying now, the strength that she had slowly dissolving as she walked further away from her boyfriend.

“Y/N wait. P-please wait. I cant-” Harry stumbled over his legs behind her falling into the grass of the front yard. The girl couldn't help but turn around looking at her stupid boyfriend. She was choking on sobs now. She wasn't crying over a measly little kiss but over an extreme amount of burnout from school and exhaustion from simply existing. She was crying because her boyfriend ignored her boundaries, crushing and erasing the boundaries she had set in their relationship. Harry tried reaching for her once she had stopped walking. His hand clasped around her wrist, he laid his head down on her shoulder. He hated seeing her cry even if he was too drunk to see why.

“Baby don't leave, Im-Im Sorry.” He hiccuped and burped due to the alcohol. Y/N felt her rage build. Shoving Harry off of her, she crossed her arms across her chest as a way to shield herself from Harry physically. He was hurt by her distance and the wall she put up around her.

“You're an idiot Harry. An idiot!” her sobs grew louder, some stray party goers watching in amusement- some even snapchatting it for shits and giggles. “I didnt want you to kiss her and you did. What provoked you to think that was ok? All I wanted was for us to hang out tonight and just be us and you did this!” She was yelling now. Her hurt is beyond her now. Anger and rage simmered throughout her body making her head dizzy and her fingers curl within themselves. She didnt like being angry. It wasn't an emotion she liked acting on, it felt impersonal.

“Baby I don't under-” Before Harry could finish his sentence he was barfing at his feet. Y/N stepped back disgusted with her boyfriend. She couldn't even feel remorseful because of how angry she was. Luca, the frat brother from earlier, caught up with Harry and his girl only to find Harry doubled over heaving. Luca wrapped his arms around Harry's shoulders.

“I'm sorry Luca but I can't do this tonight. Can you please make sure he gets some water and goes to bed. I-I can't do it tonight, I wish I could but I can't.” Y/N didn't want to leave her boyfriend in this state but she didn't deserve this. She wasn't going to care for her drunk boyfriend when all she wanted to do was care for herself. Selfishly, she enjoyed seeing him this way because of the anger he caused her.

Luca shook his head in understandment. “Of course, I'm really sorry for tonight. He's going to seriously regret this in the morning, especially since it will be circulating all over snapchat in the morning.” Luca waved to Y/N then proceeded to pull Harry into the house. Harry called out for Y/N not wanting to be away from her but Luca pulled him harder.

Harry woke up the next morning feeling like the bottom of a dumpster. He wasn't shocked by that. He knew he got trashed last night, he had planned to. He, just like Y/N, spent all week studying and completing projects while also fulfilling certain responsibilities for his frat. He wanted one night to be a normal teen. So he drank and drank and drank and maybe even smoked some weed. As he tried to recall last night's events he came up with nothing. He didn't understand why Y/N wasn't here with him like she normally would after a party on the weekend. They were normally always together during the weekend. A bad feeling loomed over him. He could tell something wasn't right but decided to put his feelings to the side.

He saw a bottle of water beside his bed making him think she was probably here and left early. Chugging the water he started to go through his socials to see if anyone had posted about the party. He had multiple tagged pics and videos in his notifications from snapchat. Way more than he normally would.

The first video he saw was a video of him and Y/N standing in the front yard of the frat house. Turning the volume all the way up he could hear Y/N yelling, it shocked him. She doesn't normally raise her voice, especially not at him. The angle changed showing her face which was red with anger, eyes filled with unshed tears. He could hear her yelling about him kissing someone else. He felt his heart stop. He had kissed someone else? On the next snap was a picture of him keeled over vomiting on his shoes with the caption saying, ‘are yall seeing this shit?’ Harry was embarrassed but he was more concerned than anything.

His head was hurting but it didn't stop him from rolling out of bed, washing up, and putting on a fresh set of clothes. He checked his phone hoping Y/N had messaged him but nothing was there. He walked into the kitchen only to see luca sitting at the counter eating cereal.

“Hey Harry….” Luca said warily. Luca pushed the cereal around his bowl feeling the tension begin to rise in the room. He felt horrible about his friends.

“Luca...what's up?” Harry was confused by Lucas' wariness.

“So do you remember anything about last night?” Luca asked, setting his cereal down in the sink behind him. Harry started playing with the frayed edges of a bracelet Y/N made for him. It had little beads with her name on it. They made them together at an event on campus.

“I don't, I only saw the videos of Y/N screaming at me. I think I fucked up but I- I don't know what happened.” Harry's cheek flushed with even more embarrassment. Luca awkwardly chuckled scratching the back of his neck.

“You got dared to kiss the hottest girl in the room and um actually did it in front of Y/N...even though she didn't want you to. Which led you guys outside and yeah you know the rest...Im sorry dude, I wish I had stopped you.”

“Who- who did I kiss?” Harrys stomach lurched when he heard Yara’s name come out of Lucas' name. Y/N didn't like Yara and it was understandable. Yara has been pining after Harry since their first year of college. Harry couldn't breathe. He felt disgusted with himself. He could only imagine how Y/N was feeling.

Y/N woke up the same morning, eyes puffy and crusty from tears and head hurting. She probably cried herself into dehydration. She was lucky enough to have no roommate because she wouldn't have wanted someone else to see her breakdown. She still couldn't believe last night went down the way it went down. She couldn't tell if she was just being overdramatic or if her emotions were in the right place. She didn't want to be mad at Harry. He was everything to her, she had an odd connection to him. Meeting him during their freshman welcome week they quickly became best friends with a growing romantic connection in the mix. They started dating before Christmas break. They had grown close so fast that he even came home with her to meet her family for the first few days of break. Even though they were in their junior year of college, Y/N could see them beyond college. She's imagined them getting married, travelling, sharing a home. She saw the whole future with him. She had her doubts though. He was immature just like every other boy in college. He was dumb with his actions and tended to only do things if they benefited him. He had a lot of growing to do as a person, so did she but she wanted to grow with him.

She heard a knock on her door hesitating to answer it because one, it could be Harry, and two, she looked like a wreck. Answering anyways, she was met with a very sorry looking Harry holding a small coffee and bagel from their cafe.

“Hi baby…” He sheepishly said holding out the items. She silently let him through the door not once looking him in the eye. He stepped into her room, setting her treats on her desk. He could see that her bed was messy meaning she recently woke up. Y/N never went about her day without making her bed. He turned back to her and finally their eyes met. He took in all of her facial features, from her puffy eyes, to her downturned lips that looked chapped, to her flushed cheeks that longed to be held for warmth. He hated to see her like this, the last time he saw her so upset was when her parents moved out of her childhood home. It took alot to make Y/N this upset. She was normally really headstrong and vigilant. She knew how to ease her way out of problematic situations and could talk her way through anything.

Harry opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Y/N holding her hand up in front of his face. “Don't talk. I'm really hurt Harry, so if your plan was to come over here and apologize over bagels- think again.” She snapped, backing up to put space between the two of them. She sat down on her bed while Harry pulled the desk chair out and sat down. He much preferred to be on the bed with her holding her tight but he didn't want to overstep boundaries.

“Love, I don't know where to begin. I'm really sorry for what happened last night. I was really drunk and obviously wasn't in the right headspace.” Harry reached out and touched the tips of her fingers with his. She wanted to move but it felt good to be touched by Harry.

“I told you that a measly little apology won't do Harry. I didn't want you to kiss Yara and you did anyway. You know how Yara feels about you and you just let it happen!” She pulled her hand away remembering the prior night's events. Harry felt himself getting angry too. He felt like he needed to defend himself- even though it would be a very bad idea.

“I think you're being over dramatic.” Wrong move Harry. “It wasn't like I was making out with her!”

“You're joking right?” She scoffed and scooted further up her bed to create more distance. “Harry it's the simple fact that you did something that made me uncomfortable that shouldn't have even happened. I see myself getting married to you and it makes me worry that right now in our relationship you can't respect my boundaries!” She yelled. Harry’s eyes widened as he laughed sarcastically.

“Married? What the fuck are you on about? I'm a junior in college. In what world would it make sense for me to be prepping a relationship for marriage? Once again I think you're being over dramatic.” Her eyes watered hearing Harry's statement.

“I- I guess I'm the only one in this relationship thinking about the future? I thought we were on the same page. I'm not planning our marriage now, obviously. I'm thinking about how elements of our relationship now could play out in the future when we do want to get married. You cheated on me last night. I went to a party you begged ME to go to only to be there for you. I wanted to be here cuddling with you, pigging out on fast food but I was at a party with you and got cheated on!” Her volume rises once again, making Harry shove his chair from underneath him when he stands up.

“You're doing too much right now. I'm not planning a future right now because I don't want this future! I want to be myself without thinking about how to appease my girlfriend. I invited you to the party so you could lighten the fuck up. I love you, I do, but I'm not thinking of marriage and futures. I'm thinking about my life right now and having fun.” Harry snapped right back at her. Her chin wobbled. Obviously her and Harry were on different pages. It hurt so much to hear him say that he didn't want a future with her. Harry didn't mean it though.

“Ok, well I guess that's my fault for assuming we were thinking along the same lines. Um, I don't want to hold you back from being yourself so with that being said, you are a free man Harry.” She pushed herself up from her bed walking to the door ready to escort Harry out.

“Huh? Love, what?” Harry was confused on how they got to this point. Just a few days ago they were in love, meeting in the library to share a lunch and exchanging sweet words determined by their love.

“Listen I have a day full of exams tomorrow so if you could just leave that would be best. You don't really want this so I'm letting you go, Harry.” She had tears rolling down her face, falling from her eyes down to her chin where they fell to the ground in droplets. Harry’s eyes welled up watching his love cry before him.

“I don't-”

“Harry, leave, please.” She opened the door making room for him to go through. He walked through the door turning to look at her. She turned her face away from him whispering a small goodbye before shutting the door. Harry was left in the silent hallway, so silent he could hear his thoughts and the tears hitting the tile floor beneath him. He thinks he stood there for at least thirty more minutes before accepting what had happened and walking away.

Leaving Y/N in her room sobbing like she had never done before. Her tears coated her face and she thought her head could explode right then and there. She didn't want to accept what had happened but she had priorities. She composed herself enough to start studying for her exams.

The week rolled by quickly, Monday meeting Friday in a flash. Exams were done and Christmas break was on the horizon. Students were piling off of campus in a hurry ready to get home to their loved ones. People were outside by cars loading up their winter necessaries and saying their goodbyes to their close friends.

Harry cried everyday this week. He wasn't normally a crier. He hated crying, he hated the feeling of crying and the headache that came from it. He cried because he realized how wrong he was. He missed Y/N. He missed finals week dinner together where they tried to get off campus at least once and be alone for a moment. He missed watching her relax while eating food that wasn't from their school's cafeteria. He would pay for their meal just so she could have one less thing to worry about. They would normally get frozen yogurt right after too, Y/N getting as many toppings as she wanted because Harry would be the one paying. He missed her tight after exam hugs. She would squeeze his shoulders tight, smiling into his neck, telling him how proud she was of him. She would bring him tea in the morning when they met for breakfast. Sometimes they would spend the night in one or the others room so they could have time together to destress and just talk.

Y/N wasn't doing any better. She normally went into exam week feeling confident. She studied too hard not to. But this week she felt like shit. Her heart hurt and she kept thinking about the fight. She feels like she overreacted but hearing Harry talk about their lack of a future hurt nonetheless. She really assumed that they did have a future that included marriage and a life together. She didn't understand where his sudden lack of commitment came from. She regretted dumping him but at the same time she wished he did more to get them back together but he was silent. He hasn't contacted her at all and avoided all of their spots on campus all together.

She stood by her car prepping for her six hours car ride back home. Packing away her clothes and some essentials in the trunk of her car, she heard light footsteps behind her. Closing her trunk she turned to see Harry standing with his hands in his pockets.

“Hi.” He said. She looked at him, putting her own hands in her pockets. It was cold outside, the nippy air hinting at a possibility of snow.

“Hi Harry.” They shared a moment of silence together. Just staring at each other. It felt good to be near each other again. They felt like they could breathe again.

“I had to see you before you left. I know the break is only a month but I didn't want to leave without seeing you.” He replied quietly. She made him feel so shy. Her beauty always made him awestruck. Even in a hoodie with their college's logo and some large sweatpants and some fuzzy crocs, she was the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

“I don't know what to say harry.”

“It's ok. I don't deserve anything from you after what I said. I just wanted to apologize and wish you a good break before you left. I also wanted to give you this.” He pulled a small box and envelope out of the front pocket of his backpack. “I know we agreed on no presents but I think thats a dumb rule and I love you too much to not get you something.” She smiled at his words, taking the gift from his hands.

“Thank you Harry, it means a lot to me. So what are your plans for a break?” She asked him, the tension that was in the air slowly dissipating.

“I couldn't get a flight home until next wednesday so i'll stay here on campus until then.” He shrugged.

“Oh ok. Well tell Anne I said hi. I have to go Harry but I'll see you after the break, ok?” She didn't want to leave him but she didn't want to drive through the dark.

“Ok, love. Drive safe. I lov- I mean have a good break.” Her chest tightened at his hesitation. She wants to hear him say the words but she knows he won't.

“Have a good break Harry.” She whispered. Before getting in her car she stood on her toes placing a kiss on the corner of his mouth. Rubbing her thumb across his cheek and turning away and into her car.

She drove away knowing that her heart was left in that parking lot in the hands of someone she loves way too much.

Harry stood in the parking lot watching his heart drive away for winter wanting nothing more than to be with her.

Part two

#harry styles x reader #frat!harry #i carry your heart #harry styles fic #harry styles one shot #harry styles imagine #harry styles #harry styles x y/n #college!harry #part 2 coming soon #harry styles smut #fratrry #boyfriend!harry

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movedbl0g · 4 years ago

Text

Skz reacting to you being sick

A/N: I’m actually kinda sick right now (it’s just a cold so I’m still good) and this idea popped up in my head ~ i hope you guys like it!!

Genre: fluff

Warnings: sickness, slight swearing(only once)

————gifs belong to their original owners————

Chan:

We all know that he takes care of other ppl VERY well

I feel like he would check up on you frequently and bringing you the stuff you need

Would not leave your side, would try to comfort you in every way possible

“Y/n??��, Chan called through the apartment after he opened the door and saw that all the lights were turned off. He walked further into the apartment looking around , but there was no sign of you.

When he finally opened your bedroom door he saw you laying in your bed, covered in blankets with a pile of tissues besides you. As you noticed his presence,you gave him a weak smile that was probably not even visible due to the dim lights.

“Are you okay??”, Chan asked, sitting down on your bed and giving you a little kiss on the forehead. You just shook your head no while you clinged on Chan, in which he responded with a tight hug, wrapping his arms around you and bringing you into his lap.

He just held you for a while,his hands sliding through your hair and light kisses in your forehead from time to time.

“Do you need me to get you anything??Should i get some meds??”, he asked after a while but you just held him closer.

“No,don’t worry,cuddles are enough for now”

Lee Know:

He would try to cheer you up and distract you from your suffering fhchrhdh

He would cook some comforting food like soup for you

We would insist on doing everything thing for you so you can take proper rest

You just texted him that you couldn’t make it to your date today because you weren’t feeling that well and now, ten minutes later he already stood at your door step, a bag of groceries in his left hand and a bag with different medications in the other.

“What are you doing here lino and what’s all that stuff for??” You asked as soon as you opened the door and got a sight of him being packed with stuff.

“I didn’t know what you needed so i brought all different kinds of medications and since i already was about to come over i also thought that i can cook something for you so you can take proper rest”, he started talking with a pout on his lips.

As he started cooking you tried to help him but he immediately scolded you, saying that you shouldn’t spread all of your germs around and should rest on the couch instead while he will cook for you.

(Small time skip)

“This soup was amazing lino!! i already feel way better now and i can help you clean the kitchen-“

“No you’re not doing anything but rest, you’re sick baby!!”

Changbin:

I feel like he would give you A LOT of cuddles to make you feel better

Would try to make you laugh and lift your mood

But would also give you the rest you need

you couldn’t really sleep last night due to your horrible headache, that wouldn’t get better even tho you took several painkillers and tried to avoid anything that’s bright,it just wouldn’t get better.

When Changbin visited you after he was done with practicing for the day and turned on the lights, you immediately responded with a groan, causing him to immediately turn off the lights again while giving you a worried look.

„What’s wrong honey??“, he asked while walking up to,laying himself on the bed right next to you, immediately wrapping his arms around and holding you against his chest.

“I’m not feeling that well and i think I’m really hot...i should probably check my temperature...” you said while nuzzling your head into Changbins chest. “But honey”, he chuckled, “you’re always hot”

You playfully slapped him as response, making him ruffle through your hair so it looks all messy and it eventually turned until a play fight, until you held your head,mimicking that it hurts a lot.

Changbin immediately stopped and laid you down in the bed again, tucking you under the blanket,giving you one small kiss on the forehead, saying that you should rest now before he left the room.

Hyunjin:

So we all know how dramatic he is

So i can definitely imagine him running around and screaming after telling him you’re sick

He would keep his distance so he doesn’t get sick too but would still take care of you really well

Would order your favorite food and watch a movie with you (plus he probably would give in to cuddles after a while too)

“WHAT”, he yelled out dramatically, eyes and mouth wide opened. “WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE A COLD WHAT IF I GET SICK AND-“

“Hyunjin, calm down it’s just a light cold and it’s almost gone again-“ you tried to calm him down, reaching out for his hand. “Ahhh don’t touch me- all of your germs are on my hand now-“ he dramatically said while walking away from you, shaking his hands as if it would shake of any germs.

You rolled your eyes,seeing Hyunjin running out if the room completely panicked and at this point you couldn’t even tell if he was teasing you or if he was serious.

He didn’t return for a quite long time, you got a little bit suspicious, but after a few more minutes,he returned with a grin on his face.

“I thought you died because you drank hand sanitizer or something to get rid of the germs-“ you teased him, cocking up your eyebrows while looking at him.

“Not that buuuutttt”, he then replied, a smirk appearing on his face,” i ordered your favorite take out food and I’m willing to watch a movie to you, but only with a safe distance,okay”

“Thank you babe”, you smiled at him and blew him a kiss afterwards “but are you sure that you don’t wanna cuddle??”

Jisung:

I feel like he’d be really panicked at first

“are you sure that you’re okay??do you need any meds??maybe you should go to the doctor i can-“

After making sure that you’re not dying, he’d make sure to give you a lot of cuddles and kisses (but only on the cheek/jawline/forehead kisses)

Jisung was completely freaked out when he say you sitting in the couch, wrapped up in thousands of blankets, tons of used tissues laying around you and your face red from the fever you were having.

He immediately dropped all of his bags, running up to you grabbing your hands full in panic, looking you in the eyes like your about to die.

“Are you okay??”, he asked with big eyes squeezing your hands.

“Don’t worry, it’s just a little cold”, you said in a raspy voice, forcing yourself to give him a little smile.

“Are you sure your not dying??” he continued asking, his face expressions more serious that ever “or do you need any meds?? I can get some for you if you want...and you really don’t wanna go to the doctor...i mean you can go just to be sure....wait I’ll make you some tea, i’ll be right back”

You tried to calm him down a bit,but he already disappeared in the kitchen,coming back minutes later with a huge can of tea.

“And just to make sure that you’re not dying,i guess i have to pepper you with kisses babe”

Felix:

CUDDLEBUG

would not let you out of his embrace

would probably bake some brownies for you because he knows you live them while you sleep

he would just be so sweet and caring in general my heart is melting if i just think abt it ahhhh

You were waking up in Felix’s arms,your head pressed against his chest and his lips resting next to your forehead. As you slowly woke up, you felt a horrible pain in your throat and you noticed that you could barely breathe through your nose.

“Baby?”, you whispered to him,getting a hum as reaponse. “I don’t feel that well, i think I’m going to get sick” you said, feeling him shuffle away a little bit to take a look at your face.

“You really look a little bit sick” he said, his eyes carefully scanning your face. “Do you need any meds or should we go to the doctors?”, he carefully asked while his eyes came back ti yours, making eye contact.

“No i think it’s not that bad,but i like that you’re really warm”, you told him while coming closer to his chest again, the warmth of his embrace sending shivers down your spine. He immediately held you closer, his long arms wrapping around you and carefully drawing circles on your beg,until you drifted of to sleep.

When you woke up it was way brighter,so you probably slept for a few hours. When you noticed that Felix was gone, you let out a small cry, but you immediately got distracted by the smell of fresh brownies.

Just now the door opened,Felix walking in with a cup of hit chocolate in his one hand and a plate with a brownie in the other.

“Here, to make you feel a little bit better” he said while handing you the plate and a fork, giving you a huge smile.

Seungmin:

I feel like he would be similar to Changbin

We would look super concerned at you with his puppy dog eyes

Would try to make you laugh with corny jokes

CUDDELS

You told Seungmin that you were sick before he came over,warning him from yourself, but when he came over and actually saw how sick you looked with glassy eyes, a red,runny nose and burning hot cheeks.

He looked at you scanning you from head to toe, his puppy eyes furrowed concerned, slowly walking up to you. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were THAT sick??”, he asked worryingly while pulling you into a hug, the tone of his voice almost making your heart break.

“It’s really not as bad as it looks”,you reassured him,your hand gently rubbing over his back. “But did you bring the thermometer, i think i really should take my temperature”

“Of course”, he said with a smile, breaking the hug to reach into his bag,grabbing the theometre and holding it against your forehead

“And??what does it say??”,you asked curiously.

Seungmin just let out a little chuckle before saying “well,you know..... i always told you that you were hot as fuck....”

Jeongin:

I think we wouldn’t quite know what to do bc the others always took care of him

But he‘d definitely make you some warm tea to make you feel better

Would probably end up calling chan for advice lol

This poor baby got so concerned when you started sneezing nonstop and would rest, but now that you were in your bed, basically knocked out from your fever.

“Uhmmm...is there anything i can...like give you??” He asked,his voice filled with uncertainty. “

“Yes please”, you groaned,”i really think that i need some meds”

“Uhmm sure, I’m gonna look at what i have here, but i already made you some tea, so drink that while i be looking for...uh whatever medication that will make you feel better...just uhmm...wait here...”, he said while placing a cup of tea on your nightstand.

As soon ad he disappeared to look for the right meds, he called chan.

“Channie, i really really need your help....you know y/n is sick and i don’t know how the right medications look like....yeah i need something against fever....the one with the red or blue label?? And do we have to go to the doctor or-“

🖤masterlist

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mythiccheroacademia · 4 years ago

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Injured!Reader Headcanons

A/N: I thought it was time again that I gave myself room to publicly simp over a couple of my groupies. It’s truly an odd bunch but who gon check me? It’s a little self-indulgent, but mainly practice for writing character personalities that never really get requested. Enjoy this hotties 🤸🏾

Warnings: mature language, mentions of blood

Todoroki Natsuo:

i hc that he’ll probably end up with another doctor

is it bc i wanna be a doctor? don’t worry about it

anyways

natsuo is the pinacle of a good bf/husband, but he’s not special enough to not fall into the MD mindset

doctors make for the worst patients

they also make the worst caretakers when it came to their own family

you deadass have to be bleeding out on the floor before they consider taking you to the hospital

you had gotten into a car accident and, you were okay, but you ended up with a dislocated shoulder and a consussion

natsuo was in the middle of a surgery and had to wait two hours before he could quickly text you once he heard word of your accident

him: “y/n? please tell me you’re okay”

you: “i lived bitch”

him: “niceee”

as soon as natsuo heard that nothing life-threatening happened he just patted you on the back and said

“aren’t you a trooper!”

when they went to pop your shoulder back in, you were scared out of your mind. you’re looking for support and this man deadass goes

“it’s just a little readjustment, babe. you’ll be fine” with that goofy ass smile

you: “....aight keep that same energy when i readjust your face, hoe”

you’d admit that you were being whiny during recovery, but the headaches were awful

and it didnt help that you were constantly thinking about the small possibility that if you fell asleep, your brain would swell and then...death

natsuo just laughed at you

“it’s just a little concussion, sweetheart. you’ll be okay in like 10 days”

the todoroki gene for denseness is dominant it seems

you told him that if he wrote off your fears again, you’d have thanksgiving with endeavor this year

he suddenly turned into a mother hen

“is your head okay?”

“do you need a heating pad?”

“on a scale of 1-10, what’s your level of pain?”

honestly, it’ll take a couple threats here and there, but he’s good at his job

Sero Hanta:

being a pro-hero could be fun and all, but it was dangerous as hell

you two were called on a case with a few other heroes

the villain was a high-level threat, and you all were focused on disarming them before they could cause any more damage

sero’s quirk was more apt for disabling villians, so he focued on that

you were more of powerhouse, and focused on protecting him and others that were trying to take down the enemy

in the midst of things, you saw a mother and her child about to be crushed by falling debris

you push her out of the way, but you’re leg is crushed under the cement

the woman is crying, thanking you whiles begging to help you

despite the intense pain, you tell her you’ll be fine and she reluctantly leaves for a safer area

sero feels his heart stop as he observes the blood pooling by you body

tokoyami tells him that he can handle the rest and for him to go to you

he doesnt have to be told twice

when he get over to you, he’s quickly thinking of ways to get the cement off of you

meanwhile, youre more worried about the villain

due the adrenaline in both of your bodies, you start to bicker about what’s more important

sero is usually good at keeping a calm head under pressure, but your dissmsal of your injury was really starting to piss him off

“hanta, this doesnt matter! go help tokoyami!”

“just let me ensure that you don’t lose your leg, first” he snapped

“no! just go!”

“i’m just--”

“stop!”

“y/n--”

“sero--”

“GOD DAMN IT Y/N! WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME HELP YOU!”

he never yelled at you like that before

you were kind of shook, so you just kept quiet

sero eventually got the rock off of you, but he was still pissed even after the enemy was detained

when you both got back from the hospital, you apologized for making him angry

your bf is quick to let go of his anger. he just sighs and holds you close

he apologizes for losing his cool

he loves you so much that seeing you injured makes him go crazy

#Sero Hanta #sero x reader #cellophane #natsuo x reader #natsuo todoroki #sero hanta x reader #natsuo todoroki x reader #bnha headcanons #mha headcanons #mha #bnha #bnha x reader #mha x reader #mha x black reader #mha x poc!reader #bnha x black reader #bnha x poc!reader

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babysizedfics · 4 years ago

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HC 1/2: Might I project a little bit? Logan gets ocular migraines and feels generally miserable, but he also feels guilty on top of that because he cannot help Patton watch the boys. His head and eyes hurt to the point of tears, and it's likely he'll throw up. So Logan isolates himself in his dark, quiet room and figures Patton will most likely check on him when he can. But surprise! It isn't Patton creeping into his room some time later, but a concerned Ro.

white heart anon i'm really sorry you have to experience that kind of stuff :(( but this is A+ headcanon material so thank u for sending it in

this is also super sad when you remember we said that logan is allergic to morphine because that means he can't have codeine which is a common painkiller - he might be allergic to more than one painkiller too just because im in that angsty mood tonight

i can imagine logan trying to power through it - he has always been very healthy though and when he got a migraine in the past he would take as many preventative measures as possible to not exacerbate it - but this is the first time it has happened while both him and patton had their hands full with looking after the boys

vee is particularly clingy today and will not let go of logan and roman has been so stressed all week because of an upcoming audition/show so they all know that its important for him to be little for a day to let go of that stress and responsibility

and logan has had a moderate headache all day which he just ignored but then he sees scotomas start to float around his vision and he knows it's a matter of minutes before the pain really hits

he very regretfully admits this to patton who of course is very concerned, but logan assures him he will be fine but... he needs to leave

and patton of course is rushing to pick vee up from his lap but the baby doesnt understand why and he whimpers and tries to cling to logans arm

'its all right sweetheart,' logan whispers, knowing his voice will make his vision swim if he speaks any louder. he's squinting to protect himself from the light of the living room. he leaves and tries not to feel absokutely horrible when he hears virgil crying as he walks up the stairs trying very hard not to fall

'mama will be back later its ok' he heard patton say and though its distant the sound feels like a cheese grater to his skull

...

he has been in his room for 2 hours now save for a very painful trip to the much too bright bathroom when the headache got so intense that it emptied his stomach

and logan is positively miserable now, lying in bed in the dark and not being able to stop from groaning in pain and simultaneously being in more pain everytime the sound echoes around his head

then theres a harsh click and even through his closed eyelids he can see the room has gotten lighter and it sends wave of nausea through him that he just about controls

'patton please close the door' logan whispers as faintly as he can and its shaky with unshed tears because it just hurts so much

the door closes so gently that the sound barely bothers him, then the mattress dips beside him and he fully expects patton's perpetually cold fingers pressing against his cheek or a whispered offer to get him anything

but that didnt happen. instead:

'hey'

its was so gentle that logan couldn't believe his ears in thinking it was romans voice

he reluctantly opens one eye slightly, wincing at the sharp stab of pain in his skull

the room wasnt pitch black, it was quite impossible to achieve that in the middle of the day. it was dim enough that everything alpeared as dull greys. he saw romans worried face in greytone before he pulled his fingers over his eyes again and groaned

'roman i can't play right now' logan explains softly, and he's impressed by his own ability to sound gentle and loving even when he feels like he wants to scream with pain if only that wouldnt make it a million times worse

'i dont wanna play, i wanna cuddle' roman whispers

logan frowns 'im not sure if i can'

'please mommy?'

and logan can never deny roman affection when he uses that name. that name is not used lightly by the age dreamer, it's reserved for very dire situations when hes very upset or ill and really needs help

so as doubtful and nervous as he is that this is going to backfire, logan opens his arms and furrows his brow tightly to prepare for the onslaught of pain that is bound to come when roman rocks the bed and makes noise

but the gentleness with which roman crawls onto the mattress and wraps his arm around logans chest is astounding and it barely affects logans migraine

'aren't you scared of it being so dark?' logan asks as a sort of final offer for roman to leave

theres a pause and its clear that there was some truth to it, but despite the slight tremour in his tone roman says 'i know you'll protect me'

they settle in to each other with quiet sighs, roman's tummy and chest pressed into logans side, logans arms around his shoulders, roman's head on logan's chest

and it doesnt make things worse at all

for as loud and energetic as roman was 99% of the time, he seemed to make up for it in incredible quietness and stillness that logan had never experienced even when bottlefeeding a very sleepy baby vee or when wrapped in pattons arms in the middle of the night and sniggering at his sleep talk

and when waves of pain overcome him he squeezes roman just a little tighter and roman does the same. and when he groans in pain roman's leg shuffles to reat on top of his, and when another wave of nausea overcomes him romans hand very gently rasies to the pillow and takes a single strand of logans hair, delicately stroking it every few seconds

and it all makes it a whole lot easier to bear the pain when he has such a brave little prince by his side

#phew this was a good vent... sorry for anyone who expected sunshine happy stuff #that. yeah that was really therapeutic thank you so much 🤍 anon #little/big concepts #idk how to tag this for possible triggers so pls send an ask if anyone needs me to tag things like this as anything #little angst #vomit tw #sickness tw #pain tw #long post #asks #🤍 anon #cg logan #agedre roman #little roman

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arthurflecksgirl · 4 years ago

Text

Subway scene /Arthurs POV

The subway is moving forwards, while everything inside of me is standing still. Frozen. Numb even. The numbness takes over me, except for the real bad headache. I shouldnt have done that. Hurting myself. But sometimes I just cant help it. Sometimes the sadness turns into anger and I dont want to hurt anyone, so I punish myself instead of anyone else. Instead of the people that hurt me all my life. I just sit there and take it, and try to cry my eyes out afterwards, but I cant even do that. Not a tear.

Silence. At least on the outside. Inside of me silence doesnt excist.

I don`t say much. I would love to talk a lot actually, but I gave it up when I realized that people won`t listen anyway. I prefer to write in my jornal nowdays. Its saver for me. My journal can`t missunderstand me. At least I hope so.

But yeah… if only they would give me the chance to explain myself. They would notice that I`m a good guy. But they won`t. To them it doesnt matter how big my heart is or that is filled with lonelyness. I do write my jokes for OTHER people. To make them happy. To be seen as someone who want to spread positivity. But they remain unheard. My jokes are only scribbles in my journal. At least up until now. I`ve got the feeling that change is about to come. Like….I can feel soemthing growing inside of me. Not sure what it is though. Its just a gut feeling but trusting my feelings is another story...

I look outside the window. Graffitys on the dirty surface cover half of my reflection. Half of my face, a blurr. Funny because thats how I feel right now. I notice how worn out my face must seem to others. A sad eyed clown, abandoned from the rest of the world. I can`t smile for anyone today. Not after Hoyt fired me. How could I ever tell my mum when I get home? I just told her that she shouldt worry about money, or me. That my stand ups are ready for the big clubs. And now I got nothing left. Not even my job, which I loved. Mum and I didnt had much money but it was enough to get us through. What now? She`ll be so dissappointed in me. I wanted make her proud. I wanted her to watch her son up on the stage, thinkng “I`m so proud of him. He really made it. ” But all she is going to say now is “Oh happy. I guess you just weren`t funny enough”.

I turn around and face the seats, trying to get eye contact with a lady. I crave human connection so much. It would feel so good if she would just look me in the eye for a second. It would be like a proof that I am here and people notice. But she doesnt. Maybe she`s too caught up in her own thoughts. Maybe she questions her own existence just like me.

The doors open, she gets up and leaves. A deep sigh is escaping my painted lips. Three guys are getting in, talking about a girl they danced with. The conversation caughts my attention. Sounds like they were at a dance club or something. I`ve never been at one, so I try to hear all the details about how a normal guy would manage to make out with a girl. I really could need some good advice, but after only a few seconds I realize that the guys must be drunk. One of them claims that the girl was in love with him, while his buddy says it aint true. Nothing to learn here.

It is now that I realized that there is a pretty girl sitting across me. “Want some french fries?” one of the drunk guys asks her and the way he does so makes me feel uncomfortable. Him trying to get her attention feels wrong.

“Helloooo?” .

“No, thank you” The girl seems annoyed. “They`re real good!” he says, before he starts throwing the food at her. “C`mon” the other one says “He`s being nice to you”.

The girl just wants to read her book. Why would they even bother her? I have never been on a date before but this sure isnt how I woud treat a woman. I would try to be a gentleman. To become a beautiful memory which she writes down in her diary when the day is done. I want to become a romanic page in a womans diary. A poem. A lover.

I take a look at the cover of what she is reading. Alice in wonderland. I like that. Alice knew how to create a world of her own. Reality couldnt bother her anymore. But her dream world did. I guess there is just no way to escape your own mind.

I get nervous, noticing that she makes eye contact with me. I was longing for eye contact just minutes ago but now that this pretty girl looks right at me I`m sweating. I guess she wants me to say something to them. To step in and tell them to leave her the fuck alone. The friendly clown looks like he could help her out. And I want to. I want to stop them so bad. I want to get up to those guys and tell them to fuck off. To leave the girl alone with her book, Alice and her imagination. But my body won`t let me. I am frozen. My legs won`t move. I`m just sitting there. What kinda man am I, to not help her out? Just a sad clown on the subway. Nothing more. All I wanna do is cry.

And there it comes….. hmmm... haha. I shake my head. No. please not now. Not in front of a pretty girl and some bullies. This is bad. I`m in deep shit now. I can`t hold it back. The pain. The urge to cry, to shout out. To scream.

The laughter. Its making its way up my throath again. I want it to stop! At the same time there is something inside of me that acually thinks that this is funny. Those drunk idiots trying to impress a girl by throwing french fries at her and I`m actually hoping to learn something here when they came in. What a joke.

I can tell by their dirty looks that I already caught attention . The wrong kinda attention. the kind of attention I`ve never asked for. Leave me alone to cry.

“Is something funny, asshole?” his voice is hurting me. I try to tell him that he should ignore my laughter by gestures, but he doesnt get it. I guess the girl is scared of me now which makes it all so much worse.. She passes me by,disappearing, as the guys throws stuff at her “Bitch!”

Hahahahhahahah. I reach the point of pain right now. My throath feels sore from trying to hold it back. My heart tired from asking myself why I am still laughing.

And just as the pain starts to spread its fire on my insides, the guy comes up to me, starting to sing. I know that song. I know it well. “Isnt it rich? Are we a pair? Me here at last on the ground. You in mid air. Send in the clowns.”

A chalkboard. Chairs. That smell. My teacher looking at me like i´m a freak. Fists. And more fists.

With every step he comes closer I get flashbacks from getting bullied at scool. The look in his face. in his eyes. I know that kinda look. He`s a fucking bully. And I`m his victim. Nothing new I know. But that song…it really gets me. I love Frank Sinatra. His music means so much to me. It hurts that this guy is using it against me like a weapon.

“Isnt it bliss. Dont you appprove? One who keeps tearing around, one who cant move?”

Yeah….thats right……hahahahhaah I CANT move while you are dancing around like an idiot. Hurting me. Do you have any idea how much you are hurting me? Look at my face. I´m hurt. I`m in pain. But people never notice and you keep on dancing. You`re the one who is laughing. Not me. I`m crying while I have to listen to your terrible interpretation of Send in the clowns. You can`t even carry a fucking tune!!!!

“Send in the cloooooowwwnnnsss” he sings, his eyes focused on me in a disgusting way, while the other one is sitting down next to me. I feel intimitated as he grabs my Carnival wig, exposing my real hair , while I cant stop laughing with pain in my eyes. Not the wig. Please not the wig. I need it. I cant afford another one and I have to find a new job as a clown soon.

“There ought to be CLOOOOOOOWWWWNNSSS…..” the first one looks at me in anger, the second one putting my wig on, laughing right into my face. I can smell the alcohol in his breath. The way he laughs at me. So rude. Just like back in scool. I`m back in scool. This is a nightmare. Why would they want to hurt me? Don`t they realize I just want to be left alone? I wish they would go away. Why is no one else around? But I guess I dont deserve someone saving me. I wasnt even able to hold them back from annoying the girl.

“So tell us buddy. Whats so fuckin funny?”

“Nothing!”. Finally my chance to explain myself.

Hahahhahahah “I have….I have a condition” I try to catch my breath. Its so hard to breathe, so hard to talk between the laughs. My hand reaches for the card. I have to read it out loud, so they know.

Its too late.

“I´ll tell you what you have, asshole” he replies, grabbing my bag. I try to get it back, but the other is fast, holding me back. Grabbing me violently from behind, while the first one tries to attack me. I cant belive this is happenening.

I cant use my arms. This is worse than being handcuffed. I kick the guy in front of me. Kinda shocked I was able to make a move.

“We got a kicker, huh?” he says. “Hold him steady, hold him steady” he screams, right fore he punshes me right in the face ,so hard that the other one lets go of me. The next thing I feel is hitting the ground. Hard. Lying there with a sharp pain that makes its way althrouh my body. I lie on my right side. My ribs hurt´. My head is pounding, hands touching the dirty ground, trying to figure out if this is really happening ? I cant move. Freezemode is taking over. . I just cant do anything but take it like a good, little boy.

I`m a kid. Just a kid again. And its dark. And I dont know where I am. Or what day it is.

“Stay down,freak!“

Happy

Freak

Arthur, my name is Arthur.

They kick me in the back.Harder. All three of them now.

For a moment I am afraid they will kick me to death. Three guys and some clown, paralyzed on the floor? I could definitaly die in here and no one will ever know. I`m not afarid of dying. But this isnt how I want to go. Not on the floor. Not while getting kicked by some assholes. They would step over my dead body and I would remain invisible..I cant let them do this to me. Not again.

Is this my inner voice talking? The one I used to feel lately? Is this the blurry part of my reflection?

I feel my left arm moving and remember the gun. The fucking gun Randall gave to me. The weapon that brought me nothing but trouble. Maybe this thing will be good for something eventually. Maybe it will save my life. Well Randall. Sorry for ruin your plan.

Those guys will get what they deserve now.

Bang! Bang!

That was fast. One is already on the ground.

Bang! Bang!

I never thought it could be so easy to defend yourself.

The other one is hitting the subway door.

There is blood but no time to take a look at it. The third one tries to run away as I fire the gun one more time. I only caught his leg. He`s liping, as I grab my stuff, trying to catch my breath. To get my thoughts straight. The gun in my hand. God. there is a gun in my hand. Still. For a brief moment I seem to lose all orientation. Did i just killed someone? What should I do now? What about the third one? My mind is all over the place.

Breathe, Arthur. Breathe. I have a lump in my throath. Not sure if from the laughing or from the panic.

The sound of the guy banging against the subway door awakens me from my thoughts. The door opens and he tries to get away. But he won`t. I`m a fast runner and he can barely walk. I have to finish this now. Just one more guy. I have to bring this to an end. One more shot. He falls to the ground.

How does it feel there, on the dirty ground? Can you taste the concrete? Because I did.

Can you feel the cold against your aching bones? Well, I did. And it was crawling up its way on my insides.

You killed me first.

Every single one of you bullies.

You killed my hopes and dreams.

My innocence.

This is what you finally get.

Do you see me now?

Can you feel, that I am real?

Because I am.

And so is this gun.

I ran up close to him as he screams, trying to crawl closer to the stairs.

No one heard MY whimpers when I thought I was almost dying in the alley.

I fire the gun. Bang Bang Bang. Until there are no bullets left. Until he doesnt move anymore.

Freeze mode, huh? How does it feel?

One who keeps tearing around. One who cant move.

And then… silence.

Exept the noise in my ears. I take a short look at the body lying in front of me. He really is dead. Huh. . Kinda surprising what a gun can do.

I press my hand against my ears. That noise. I hope there will be music again, soon.

I take a look around. No one is there. Time to grab my stuff and get gone.

I ran up the stairs as fast as I can and feel myself changing with every step I take, with every short breath I become something.

There is a glow inside, as I run into an unknown desitination, my shadow ahead of myself

#arthur fleck #arthur fleck fanfiction #arthur fleck fanfic #joker arthur fleck #joker fanfiction #joker fanfic #fanfiction #dc #joker 2019 #joker movie #arthur fleck imagine #joker imagines #pov #joaquinphoenix #joaquin phoenix joker

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blkgirlcafe · 4 years ago

Text

Home Pt. 3

Viktor Drago x Cyra (Black OFC)

Cyra (Ky-Ra) -Sun or throne

Kazimir (Kah-Zee-Meer) - Bringer or Announcer of peace

Viktor Drago is married to the love of his life, they have a 5 year old son. He is willing to do anything to keep them safe.

Warning: Kidnapping, abuse, mentions of child abuse

Flash Back 1

Cyra grabbed the pudge that had accumulated around her middle, the cold winter had seen her indoors with hearty soups and bread. She was dreading going to the gym but her roommate was going and they would look like sweaty gross mess together.

It was still a little chilly outside as they walked the few blocks to the gym. As they walked in, she was scrolling her phone, trying to find the perfect songs, she should have done this before she left. Her roommate swerved left to go to the weights, Cyra wanted to do cardio first. Her pace was slow and she was already sweating hard as hell. How long was she going to endure this, she thought to herself. By the end of the hour she had done 30 minutes of cardio, 15 minutes of stairs, and finally some light weights, she felt good about it but was ready to go.

She waited for her roommate to stop flirting so they could walk back together, the sun starting to go down. She decided to wait outside, head down in her phone when she hit a brick wall or so she thought.

When she looked up, it was a man she had bumped into, he towered over her.

“So sorry.” his deep voice said.

“Jesus Christ on a cracker you are big.” her southern jumped out. The guy cocked his head to the side.

“Sorry.”

“It's fine, I wasn't paying attention, So I should be sorry.” Cyra moved to the side, and he was still in the way, she stepped back and let him move past her. By the time the glass door closed behind her she had her phone back in her face. She didn't see the giant looking at her, curious about her.

Cyra woke up in a sweat, hot in the room, her son wrapped around her side. He had cried himself to sleep.All he wanted was his Tata and he didn't understand why he couldn't have him, or why they were here, he wanted to go home. Cyra did too, she wanted nothing more than to be cuddled to Viktor.

Andriy had kept his word, they were fed a dinner, given water, were given restroom breaks and a change of clothes. Kazimir had fussed the whole time, why did he have to eat potatoes, he didn't like potatoes, even though Cyra knew he loved french fries. He wanted to know when Tata was coming to get them, did he have to go to school tomorrow, she had promised him ice cream. So much so that Cyra had a raging headache, when he finally settled down she laid next to him, stroking his hair and singing to him.

She had no way to tell the time, she couldn't tell if the sun was up or down. She wondered what Viktor was doing right now. Had he called Ivan, did he know this guy, did Ivan believe him.

Viktor and Ivan's relationship was shit, and Ivan blamed her. Not his controlling and abusive ways, but her for taking his son, his shot at redemption, and bringing him to Atlanta. Cyra did not force him to come to Atlanta, he chose to, because he loved her.

When he got here, Viktor didn't know what he wanted to do. He didn't know if he was going to box anymore or what his next steps would be. Unlike his father, she encouraged anything but boxing. His love of health and fitness, he could easily be a trainer or a nutritionist, she encouraged him to go to school, anything he wanted.

But all he knew was boxing so that what he gravitated to, he found a manager and a trainer and got back to work. Fight after fight, he won building a name for himself in America, then he had a big fight, the purse on it was half a million even if he lost, 4 million if he won. And he won, because that's what he did best.

Cyra remembers being so proud of him, meeting him after the fight and kissing his bruised face. A lot of things changed for them after that, his name became household. He was in the media a lot, other big names wanted a chance to take down Big Nasty, but he prevailed. He did open a gym that was flourishing, membership always at max capacity.

A month after she graduated college with her dual Bachelor in psychology and criminology she found out she was pregnant with Kazimir. He was totally unplanned but welcomed.

Cyra looked down at her son, and started to cry some more.

---- Viktor woke with a start, he worked out until he was exhausted, falling asleep on the couch. Cyra would kill him for being on her couch sweaty, but she wasn't here. He picked it up groggily.”

“Are you ready to hear what I want?” Andriy asked.

“Where is my wife and child, I need to hear them before I hear you.”

“You don't make the rules Viktor and you know what I am capable of, now if you want I can go snip off a finger of that lovely wife of yours.”

“What do you want Andriy?” Viktor growled.

“You dad owes me 500k, now I know you have this in cash, but I don't want cash, I want something much better. That fight you have in 15 days, you will throw it.”

Viktor was confused, throwing a fight was easy, he would do that for his wife and child a million times. He would lose to get them back.

“Done.”

“Don't be so quick to say yes. I know the old man will be against it, you need to hold a press conference, talk big shit, down your opponent, make a show of it. I want your family name to fall as hard as you do.”

Viktor didn't say anything, this isn't about money, it was about reputation. Andriy had lost a lot when the fight against Creed. He just knew Creed was going to win, he put his name, his money, on the line to support a foreigner.

“Call me tomorrow when the old man gets in.”

He hung up without any more words. Viktor didnt for one second weigh the pros and cons, he would throw the fight, he would do exactly what he asked. He would be humiliated if it meant the family he had made for himself was safe. ---- Kazi was bursting, he had to potty and now. No one had checked on them in a few hours, Cyra got off the bed, stopping at the door.

“Mama pleaseeeeee.” Even though Kazi was only 5 he hated the idea of peeing on himself, he fancied himself a big boy, and big boys did not potty themself.

“Okay baby, give mama a sec okay.”

She knocked on the bedroom door and took a few steps back, not wanting to appear as a threat. She heard moving in the hallway, before someone stopped at her door, unlocking it and swinging it open.

“Kazi has to use the restroom.” she said her hands slightly raised.

“Come.”

Kazi shot off the bed, running to the door. Cyra followed him to the only other door that was open, which held the bathroom, Kazi quickly did his business, not even bothering to close the door. She helped him with wash his hands, and then she used the bathroom, not knowing when she would be going again.

Kazi stood at the door, like a guard, one of the guys from yesterday stood where he could see her. She washed her hands then stepped into the hallway, he mentioned them back towards the room and Kazi started crying seeing they were going back in the room.

“Mama I don't want to go in there, where is Tata?” he whined.

“Sweetie please stop, it's not going to help.”

They were locked in the room, the guy never saying anything.

“Lets play a game Kazi, I bet I know more dinosaurs than you.”

Cyra watched her son look up at her with wet eyes, he took dinosaurs seriously. Kazi sniffled, “No I know all the dinos, me and Tata went over all of them.”

“Lets see, T-rex, your turn name one.”

“Everyone knows that one mama, Triceratops.”

He was getting better at pronouncing them, Cyra noted, sometimes he fumbled over the words and tried to put the sounds together.

“That one was in Jurassic park baby, let's see Spinosaurus.”

They went back and forth and she let Kazi win, he was calm and climbed into her lap.

“Mama I wanna go home.”

“Me too baby, but I think we are going to be here for a few days so I need you to promise me you will be good and listen to me. These are bad people.”

“I’m scared mama, I want tata.”

“Me too baby, promise you will listen to me okay baby.”

“Pinky Promise Mama.”

She kissed his forehead, “thank you son.”

#viktor drago #viktor drago x cyra #viktor drago x black woman #florian muneanu #smutty writer #smuttywriter #black writes

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jimlingss · 4 years ago

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i woke up this morning with a headache and a puffy face bcs i cried reading moirai before going to sleep, i stop at chap 4 bcs it was still happy and the way you keep saying it's gonna turn dark scares me lol and binge the rest of it after you finished posting yesterday.

maynn i was crying so hard for oc when she was shot, and when ocs mother are just realising that her daughter are on her deathbed but apologising to her? for not going to be the queen? and then tae when he got poisoned, pheww i kept calming myself saying you didnt put any character death warning but still cried sksksks taehyung just wanna be loved you old fool!!!!

im so happy with the ending 🥰🥰 tae n oc with their happy family in the forest, jk and lucy finding each other, with ocs help ofc waaaa oc should remind jk that every second hihi i was wondering if after all the fiasco did jk lost his naivety n finally see that his parents aren't all that? and what actually happened with oc and tae after the fiasco?

thank you for writing moirai!!! definitely becoming one of my favourites of yours saw a lot of love towards jp and i love them too!! but brass n strings are just ❤️❤️❤️ to me but there's not even one fic of yours that i didn't like, i truly adore you 😚😚

dammmn hope you weren’t crying too hard, anon :< tbh I didn’t cry at all reading Moirai hahahhaa but I can see how it could happen, things do definitely become intense. but yes, those scenes you mentioned for sure were emotional which I’m glad about because if it weren’t, that meant I failed to write them as emotional lol. to be frank though, I usually never mention if there’s major character death — something I know which is sort of improper to do, but I just think it’s just SUCH a massive spoiler that it’ll ruin reader’s experiences. so typically, I just warn people it’s gonna be super angsty. still not sure if that’s a good move, but it’s what I decided and no one’s found an issue with it yet. anyway, good questions.

I’m pretty sure Jungkook woke up to reality a bit more after the whole fiasco — namely to Taehyung’s experience. And how Taehyung really wasn’t living a princely life like he was. However, he did still love his parents, ie. his father, the King. He knew what his father did was completely wrong and was unable to change his mind about Tae, but JK couldn’t bring himself to hate him. It goes to show when Jungkook was still by his side at his deathbed. He did, however, undo what his dad did as it was shown.

All in all, Jungkook might not have agreed with his father but he couldn’t bring himself to abandon him. As for Tae and OC, after they were transported out of the castle, they ended up in a meadow that Taehyung thought of on the fly. They stayed at an inn that night and from then on, went on the run, stayed in inns and wore disguises/capes. As the rumours spoke, they indeed traveled the lands together hand-in-hand.

They probably settled down in the forest after. But after the announcement of the King’s death and Jungkook’s decree right after, they probably became relieved and stepped out of the shadows and visited Jungkook/the castle in secret for the first time since the incident.

#Jimlings #Anonymous

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gevejsbvdj · 4 years ago

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Fine. Pt 1

Okay. I did NOT want to do this. I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to start something. When I made the announcement post, I thought that would be it. But a lot of you got really angry and reeeeally bitter about it, suspiciously enough. I am actually hoping that after I post this, I get an explanation and an apology. I tried to explain to these people time and time again about how I was hurt by this situation but they refused to listen. So here I am, spelling it the fuck out. Also, this account is dead anyways and i am so tired of keeping this to myself. I can’t do it anymore.

That’s enough preamble for now, I’ll make more notes at the end. Let’s get onto the “situation” that was the final straw for me and inspired my complete leave.

For comprehension purposes, this took place in the Crackerbox Palace discord server.

For a warning, I’m pretty theatrical when stressed. If I joke here I’m sorry. I’m going to hold back on the humor.

CW: mentions of sexual abuse, pedophilia, racism, and seizures. You have been warned.

It sounds disgustingly simple, but when I joke about this (to myself, because it’s better than crying about it), I say that me having a seizure was the cause of this all. It isn’t really, but- let me explain.

I was alone, and I was chatting with the people in the server when suddenly- I just felt fucking weird. Initially, I was like “oh what the hell” until I realized that the weird sensation was actually familiar. It’s what people who have seizures call an “aura” or a “ting”, and it’s a numbing, buzzing sensation that’s kind of like an alarm bell that lets your body know what’s about to go down. And I have a habit (you can decide whether it’s good or bad) where I feel like I have to tell anyone around me that I’m going to have a seizure as SOON as I recognize the aura. Well like I said, I was alone. There was no one physically around me that I could tell, but I already had the chat open, fingers on my keyboard, I typed: I think I’m gonna have a seizure. Something like that. And I did. Don’t worry, I’m fine now. The older I get, the less extreme my seizures are for the most part. I got a splitting headache for the next two days, but we’re getting it checked out! This is only context for what happened next.

After that happened I eventually came to and as soon as my senses were recollected and my memory came back, I felt so embarrassed that I told my friends who I thought were super cool that I had a SEIZURE. But I noticed that Ley and Emma (in their genuine concern) were discussing seizures and how dangerous they could be, and was wondering if I was okay. I was honestly so relieved they weren’t laughing or anything like that. Vulture then responded saying “hey can you censor the word seizure, it’s a trigger.”, and so Ley and Emma did so. I was confused by this because I thought Vulture was saying it’s MY (me, a person who has them regularly) trigger, or that they were saying it was a trigger in general? I soon found out that it was a term on our “blacklist”, which makes sense.

So In our server, we had a channel (the prior mentioned blacklist channel) where people can suggest words and phrases to avoid. Phrases/topics that make you very uncomfortable, triggering, etc. Someone suggested that the name “Zack” be blacklisted because it’s the name of someone that manipulated them. And no, not Zach like me Zach, but Z-A-C-K, you know? Anyways, sometimes the sheltered southerner in me jumps out, and someone asking for that name to be blacklisted rocked my world! Even more so that the admins I worked with were willing to blacklist it. I thought, wait all this time I could have asked you all to blacklist a NAME that upsets me? I didn’t know I could do that. Never have I ever been in an environment where something like a name could be avoided to ensure my comfort. While THAT was what I was thinking, when I went to type it in the chat, it did not come off that way to vulture. Here’s what I said:

Vulture took what I said wrong, which is totally fair. Words fail me as they do everyone else, and looking back, I could have done better in explaining what I felt. I’m not blaming them for the misunderstanding, and I'm not even blaming me that much. It happens, man. But what got to me, was them accusing me of belittling or more so INVALIDATING the trigger. Me, someone actually has seizures, invalidating someone being triggered by them. Okay. Here was my response:

My response was unnecessarily snarky and I am still sorry for that. I thought I got better at thinking before speaking but it’s evident that it’s still something I need to work on. However, like I said I’ve never been one to accept it when someone’s trying to have an attitude with me. And no I’ll be the first to say that Vulture wasn’t explicitly rude to me, but I was gobsmacked that someone was trying to tell me how traumatic seizures are and accused me of invalidating them after I just said that I have them frequently. And that even after I explained what I meant, I was still met with an accusing response. Can you imagine if I went up to a homeless man and said “you have no right to invalidate my trauma with homelessness. I read matchbox girl.” Like okay? Also, yes that mod chat had a history with taking everything I said as aggressive or belligerent, hence my telling them to stop that. I was always met with a dismissive and antagonistic response. Remember that. I will get back to that.

Because of Vulture’s immature response, I removed them as chat admin. Do I regret it? Halfway, yes. I should have pulled them to the side and spoke with them about what they did. But looking back on that, after seeing the things they’ve posted today? It’s probably for the best that they weren’t a part of the admin team.

Andy (also known as shadowylemon here) and Cody are partners who also helped me run the server. They were admins,obviously. Andy asked me why I removed Vulture as Admin. I explained to him why, very civilly with the help of one of my friends because my response almost WASN'T. And to be frank, I ignored most of what he said because again I was being made to be the evil villain and I wasn’t being heard. So I ignored him. Also I was on a call so I wasn’t going to break my brain listening to ten people at once. I was so tired, my seizure happened like only a couple days prior and my head was still affected.

I mulled over that whole ordeal for a bit until me and my friend (the same friend I mentioned earlier, who helped me with my response to Andy. Lenny. He also helped me mod there and was the original co-founder of the server) came to the conclusion that the mods were too young. We need an age limit. So I told them, like “hey you guys are fine for now but I think that in the future, we should start having the mods be older”.

At this point I’m super careful with the way I word things. I’m always like that to be honest, as a black (visual-wise, a female) female you learn real quick that you’re the angry one in every situation unless you learn to talk super duper civil. But I didnt think I had to be that way in THAT server, you know? I thought I was safe there. Apparently not. Anyway-

I was met with, again, an aggravated “how dare you” type response from Cody. Which was okay with me, still is. When you work with someone in a group, you’re not going to agree with them all the time. So we were having a pretty civil, short lived back and forth until I mentioned that we tone it down on blacklisting every word. I suggested earlier to blacklist the word “blue” to see how far they would take it and they literally blacklisted it. I didn’t get to say this then, but I’m actually against over censoring, even if it’s supposedly for someone’s mental health. I have ADHD, RSD, on the damn spectrum, all that good stuff, so don’t come for me. But if you’re wanting to avoid words like blue, or a very common name, that is not my responsibility. That is your therapist. The server had people in there who- well English wasn’t their first language, and adding more barriers to their language is, I feel, very inconsiderate.

Cody started to threaten to delete the blacklisting channel all together and was acting really panicky. AGAIN (if I can find the screenshots, I will share) I was met with a very victimizing, whiny response. Like come on now. I told them to please do not make me the aggressor or I will leave.

No response.

So the rest of us were just getting ready to start a call and play some games until we noticed something.

Channels, titles and colors, and nearly everything was being deleted.

By who? Andy and Cody. This is just one screenshot. I wouldn’t include what’s over ten i have saved on my phone.

I was afraid that they got hacked and was being made to delete them. Until I thought “wait...it’s funny how they’re the only mods that are being ‘hacked’ while the rest of us were left alone. RIGHT after I just had a disagreement with them. Oh my god is this a tantrum.” The server then echoed my concerns. Please don’t be a tantrum. We noticed they left and so I dmed Andy. I said “Why” and he blocked me. That confirmed that it was indeed a tantrum. A tantrum because I IMPLIED that they were being micro aggressive towards me. Alright.

Me and the server joined a sort of conference call where we discussed what happened and they asked me questions as well as talked about what our next move was. At the time, I thought I was being dramatic because my breathing was super labored, and my face was super hot, and my heart was pounding. I was furious. There was a tiny voice telling me that ‘hey, you’re mad because after you told them that you were uncomfortable and upset with them treating you like an unhinged angry person, they did all this shit’ but I ignored it.

That is a common theme with me. I know a lot of you think I’m using my race as a weapon and that I call everything racist, but I HATE calling things racial discrimination for that exact reason. I don’t wanna look sensitive, or get called a snowflake. I honestly used to be a self-loathing black person, and you could hurl slurs at my face and I’ll excuse it. My friend group in the 9th grade was mainly racist white people. I’m so glad I grew out of that nonsense but damn some of that toxic mentality stuck with me to the point I never wanted to acknowledge when someone was biased against me.

I mean, how could it be any more clear? Do I think that Andy and Cody are racist? Of. Course. Not. I think that’s why a lot of you got so mad at me when you realized that what you did was microaggressions rooted in racial bias. Because you thought I was calling you a RACIST. I’ve had white people who will march with me during protests say and some really off-putting shit the next day. You can be an ally and make mistakes. You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. None of us is. You have to allow yourself to make errors, and be confronted. Running away cursing and kicking rocks just tells me that you don’t want to listen to black people.

But anyway, we attempted to move on from the childish ordeal and I enlisted the help of new people to help me mod since we were short two, and could have used the help anyway.

We were doing alright, really. One day, though, Joane messaged me saying that Vulture wanted to apologize and wanted to talk. And I was like great now's the perfect time to talk to them like I should have the first time, but wrongly didn’t. So I told Joane to dm me.

Well, Joane sent me a screenshot of some of hers and Vultures conversation.

As you can see I initially did feel willing to apologize and speak to vulture. Because like I said earlier, my snarky response was UNNECESSARY. However, Joane joining in the discussion with her “I can’t understand him which frustrates me lmao” peeved me. As did Vulture acting like I’m unhinged. While I didn’t need to make the “imma blacklist lmao and lol since it bothers you so much” comment at ALL, it wasn’t that deep….at all. Vulture has a habit of virtue signalling too. Their comment “I’m patient and forgiving” is an example.

While I was annoyed initially, I soon felt pretty hurt that Joane would say that about me behind my back? It made me wonder if there was more she didn’t show me. Joane was a really good friend and I loved her a lot so I was extra sensitive about it. I’ve never spoken ill about her behind her back.

Now, this is a recurring theme in this post but let me say now: I am aware that no one is OBLIGATED to treat me a certain way because I was nice to them. Of course not. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt? Talking negatively about someone isn’t a problem, but having them think you’re their friend while doing so is. You know? It’s very deceiving, but in Joane’s case, only slightly deceiving.

So I just didn’t speak to her for a bit. I was already annoyed at having to re-build my server because of a couple of teenagers having a tantrum, as well as things that were happening in my personal life. Also, the news was no damn help at all, you all know. But I didn’t speak to her for the rest of the day and I...I hated it haha. I don’t like avoiding people when I’m frustrated, and after I saw what happened with Vulture when I did the same thing, I should know better. Plus I felt bad. Joane was still a friend, and I wanted to get to the bottom of things.

I’m not going to include every little screenshot and whatnot, but I messaged her like hey what’s up let’s finish our discussion. Because I thought that at that point, I had my head screwed on a bit better.

During our discussion, I eventually showed Joane me and vultures conversation, and she acted astonished that Vulture didn’t show her all the context, and even said that they were being irrational. This was after I told her that after everything Andy and Cody did, they made a server with Vulture to which she informed me that she was aware, and she was invited. Honestly, at the time I didn’t think vulture was being irrational. While I said it’s no excuse, PTSD can make us say and do pretty wild things, and calling someone like that irrational feel like ableist language.

So me and Joane had a little moment. I apologized to her, and she apologized to me.

I was sure that after we both had our respective breaks, that we would be good to continue our friendship like normal. Just a bump in the road. It happens

That was until I got a certain anon from Vulture.

She asked me why we were done, but when I went to ask her “what in the world did you say to them” she blocked me.

Sorry I keep showing me messaging them, I just don’t wanna get lied to or something again.

I was really sad about that. I went to bed, and when I woke up, I was still sad. Joane was telling me one thing, and Vulture another thing. She was changing her opinion on a person depending on who she was talking to. It was dizzying and disingenuous and I didn’t even get to talk it out with her because she blocked me. Which was really suspicious. She told me that she would be taking a break from the server and that she still respected me as a friend, but went to vulture and told them that I treated her like SHIT, or at least acted enough like a victim to make them accuse me of that. I’m sorry, but where in the world did I do that? If me confessing to someone that they hurt me is the same thing as treating them like shit, then fuck man a lot of us are assholes.

Wow, look at me treat her like shit. Absolute garbage right?

I wasn’t even being completely honest to Joane about my feelings for that reason. Because of accusations like this. Another instance of someone taking literally me being normal and civil as being AGGRESSIVE. Vulture, I’m sorry for accusing you of utilizing white girl tears. I accused the wrong person. But that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook.

I went to our #vent channel on the server and told whoever was online and whoever was listening about the whole ordeal, and how HURT I felt because I was literally played by this girl. And I was accused of basically being abusive. Treated her like shit? Cmon man…

But another user in the server, as it turns out, had a similar experience with Joane, and provide in-depth screenshots. Which made me even madder, so we kept venting about the situation.

Also, because of a couple of dms, and because the more I ranted, the more pained I got, I felt compelled to say the following, NOW LISTEN CLOSELY:

I first prefaced my concerns by saying “I AM BY NO MEANS CALLING JOANE A GROOMER”. That was fucking useless of me to say because- okay I’m getting ahead of myself.

So I was saying (and in hindsight, I shouldn’t have. I know. But like I said, it was in the heat of the moment and I got a dm that made me feel bad) that it was strange how as soon as someone young and innocent was present, Joane would cling to them in an obsessive way. I’m not the only one who noticed that, and even one of the younger users in question agreed to my statement.

Listen fucking closely. I don’t think Joane is a sexual predator at ALL. That’s why I had that warning before I said anything in the chat. I do, though, think that if you’re a grown adult and you’re obsessed with being friends with people who are as young as 14, that it’s concerning, not in a sexual way, but in a power dynamic way. I’m only 19 and I honestly don’t get older people who become besties with much younger people. I was “friends” with the users as well, but I was a mentor/brother/dad more than anything. Do you understand? When I was 15, I’ve had people who were 20 and older become my friend and dump their adult problems onto me, as well as expect adult reactions and responses out of me. It was stressful and damaging and I did not want that happening to anyone else, especially the younger people in the chat. Okay? Okay.

That being said, my protectiveness is a major flaw of mine. Oh my god, do I take it too far sometimes, man. I didn’t want really young teenagers (13-16) to have a serious relationship with an adult because of what happened to me, and I didn’t want Joane to play and hurt anyone else the way she did me and my other friend. So I went into the announcements channel and told the users to read what we’ve been saying in regard to Joane and come up with your own decision. I did not have to do that, I can sit here and say that the things that transpired the past few days really took a toll on me whatever blah blah blah. But I could have kept it in vent, really. And the dumb thing is, that before I sent that message in announcements, I was literally telling myself that THIS is a bad idea. GOD, Zach. But I was at work, it was the last day before holidays started, and I was feeling super protective and I wasn’t thinking and- well yeah.

During all of this, I was having a conversation with vulture in Tumblr dms. I gathered the courage to finally dm them after receiving the anon. That conversation was on my old Tumblr, so I don’t have a screenshot of the key points, but I typed my starting message in notes, and this is what I said:

“Hi vulture. I don’t want to be here for long but I just wanna ask: why? You accused me of invalidating a trigger and even after I told you that’s not what I meant you still went off on me? You’re mad at me about an inaccurate perception and it really upset me. I’ve been terrified of talking to you specifically because I’ve been dealing with micro aggressions from you, Andy, and Cody and it’s really been wearing me down. And when I told Andy and Cody about their treatment of me, they deleted shit from my server and leave? How do you think that makes me feel as a black person? Makes me never want to talk about my feelings ever again out of the fear of being antagonized. I’m sorry I was snarky towards you, if you didn’t like my remark about “lmao” and “lol”. I agree it was immature. But don’t forget you came at me first. If you’re willing to further discuss this with me then great, which I am sure you are seeing that you asked me to on anon. I finally gathered the courage to contact you so let’s do this.”

We had a brief conversation. Vulture dismissing my microaggressions concerns but really- it happens so much that at that point I was so numb to it. Also a little bit “it’s not about your race. Remember when I…” more virtue signalling. Bleh. But after all, I did thank them for actually wanting to talk to me. Andy didn’t wanna do it. Cody didn’t wanna do it. Joane didn’t want to. Vulture did. And I appreciate that to this day, after everything. I can always admire that about someone.

It ended prematurely because of me. I was at work and got distracted by that as well as by what happened in the server next.

Emma sent a pretty long message basically calling all of us out for “bullying Joane” and talking ill of her behind her back, as well as announcing that she would be leaving the server and that we should all be ashamed of ourselves. This was right after someone confessed that Joane made him feel uncomfortable with constant flirting. I admitted that I should not have put the message In announcements, but guys.

I went off. I couldn’t hold back anymore. I was sick of trying to be docile and sweet. I didn’t care if I would be portrayed as the angry black again I DID NOT CARE. Bullying Joane? Me talking about how she hurt me is bullying? Let’s look up what that means.

Yeah okay. That’s incorrect usage, right? I didn’t even call Joane names. I didn’t persistently harass her. I spoke about what she did to me in distaste, but I was done with her as a friend at that point, and she knew that, so was not going behind her back. I wasn’t being predatory towards her. And I definitely wasn’t being AGGRESSIVE or BLUSTERING. Emma was using broad pronouns and terms (you guys, you all, etc) but I knew she was talking about me, as I was the most prominent in my venting about Joane due to my situation with her happening just yesterday. I sent the most messages, I- while wrong in doing so- posted the announcements. That message primarily was directed towards me. When I say that microaggressions tear you down, it tears you THE FUCK down.

That being said, I did cuss Emma out (she wasn’t present when I went off, but still) and cussed out everyone who agreed with her. I was so blinded by rage and hurt I don’t even remember at all what I said. One line that sticks out to me though is “y’all saw a white girl crying and thought oh man we can’t have that” and that’s a mantra I’ve repeated a couple of times when I find myself in scenarios such as this one.

But- I do regret going off like that. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t justified slightly, though. I don’t expect any of you to understand completely what I went through, but please try. I regret going off like that, though. And I’m sorry.

I guess I was also upset because I was JUST in a good mood? I was literally singing to myself all happy and shit, but Emma’s inconsiderate message threw me off. It’s making me even more upset now that I know why she said that. She wasn’t the only person to tell me I should be ashamed of myself for manipulating (yes, MANIPULATING) Joane.

I dmed Emma in an attempt to fix things, but i gave up quickly. I was too raw with emotions anyways. So I mournfully told her that we probably should’t be friends anymore, to which she responded

Carelessly?...ouch.

From the moment Joane dmed me about Vulture, and the moment Emma sent that message, all of that transpired within three days. Three fucking days and THAT much happened. It was taking a toll on me, that’s not even counting Andy and Cody’s tantrum.

I was in a dark place, still am. I made a post saying that I was going to take a break from Tumblr and then made one saying that I was going to kill myself in the tags. Not exclusively because of all this, of course. So. Much. Bullshit. Happens to me on a daily basis. Abusive parents. Sexual assault. Racism that’s actually violent. Dying relatives. So much. I’m crying as I type this it’s just so much. In real life, I have no friends. Not even fake acquaintances. Yes, I cut off all those people because they were extremely toxic, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have literally no one. That server was my escape. Parents fighting? Open discord. Mental spiral? Discord is there. Just had a seizure? Don’t worry, you have friends. And now I don’t. And all because of some dumb shit that wouldn’t probably have happened if two kids didn’t get mad at ME because THEY were ignorant. I know it’s not good to rely on a server to improve your mental health, but I couldn’t help it. I was desperate. And I really did think so highly of everyone in that chat. I loved them.

I received a couple asks that night saying that I don’t have to hurt myself, I’m loved, all that. Very kind messages. And right when I was going to delete the post (I was so embarrassed for posting it), I got a message from ley that read something like “I don’t agree with what you said at ALL but that doesn’t mean I want you to kill yourself or leave” something along those lines. I thought, really? You couldn’t just say you didn’t want me to leave and have it at that?

I really don’t want to make it seem like I posted something so graphic for attention, man. I can’t stand that manipulation tactic and I don’t want that harmful stigma about suicidal people to be encouraged.

But Ley’s message threw me off. Agree with what I...huh? Then it pissed me off

So I deleted my account. And fell off the face of the earth for 15 days.

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blissfulparker · 5 years ago

Text

Dine and dash→pt.10 ceo!tom

Summary →tom comes into your diner every Tuesday and Thursday, it is no secret that he only goes for you. When will he ever be brave enough to say something, when will you ever be brave enough to let him in?

Warnings→fluff, angst, drinking

A/n→ Sorry this is so delayed, i haven't been in a place with good internet to post but now that i have some i get o post part 10 and i have 11 written and 12 too so i hope to get that edited and queued up. hope you guys enjoy!

“I wanna know how you did that.” You hand him the glass of wine as you join him on the couch.

Tom managed to get her in the bath, get her pajamas on, brush her teeth and hair without a single fuss or complaint. Every night something had to go wrong, she didn’t want to take a bath, or she didn’t want to brush her hair because it hurt, there was always something that went wrong.

But tom did it perfectly. She laughed and did everything right. She even picked up her room with a smile, every time you asked her to pick up her room she’d have a fit. All her stuffed animals on her dresser, all her toys in her bin, her bag ready for tomorrow. Tom finished it all up with two bedtime stories and now she was out like a light.

Now you had the Netflix home screen on and cuddled up on Toms side. You had a relaxing night at home for once in your life. She was asleep and you had no chores to do expect be with your boyfriend, but that wasn’t a chore.

“I don’t know what to tell you.” He says and wraps his arms around you. You take a sip and then rest your head on his shoulder.

“It’s like she loves you more than me.” You whine a bit feeling like you’re loosing as a mother and he moves to look at you.

His soft fingers touch your chin to lift it up and look at you. “She doesn’t love me more than you, why would you say that?” He asks and you sigh feeling helpless.

“I dunno, she just looks at you like you’re this sort of god. She listens to you and she follows you like a lost puppy. Maybe it’s just because you’re a man and sees you as a dad but—I don’t know.” You take another sip and fall back on his shoulder. “Seeing her da—Henry just made me feel weird. Like I did something wrong and he did the right thing. I mean I don’t regret Cara, she’s the light of my life. But I feel like I just shut everything out after I had her, I didn’t go to art school, I didn’t travel, I didnt go out on Friday’s and stay in touch with friends. I feel like I gave up on myself after I had her. And now you come in and you’re perfect, absolutely perfect, you’re nice to her, you like me for some reason, and you’re pretty, and you’re successful, so successful! I don’t understand why you like me.” You whine and he giggles a bit, not because of your speech, because you’re drunk and don’t understand yourself.

“How much did you drink tonight?” He asks and you shake your head.

“I dunno, a glass or two at dinner and then a glass when you were getting her to sleep? Wait, maybe two glasses when you were getting her to sleep.” You tell him and he takes your glass and set it on the coffee table.

“I don’t really know what to say to someone who had a child and was alone for such a long time. But I’m here now, and I love you and I love Cara, and you don’t have to deal with everything alone anymore. And Henry, he was a selfish ass and you know that.” He touches your hair and your eyes are damp with tears.

“You love me?” You choke out and he nods.

“Yeah, is it still too early to say that?” He spoke slightly scared that you wouldn’t say the word back and he just messed up a relationship with one of the best girls he’s met.

“N-No, it’s not too early. I love you too.” You giggle a little. A goofy smile appears on his face. Tom doesn’t really smile at work, strictly businesses. He says good morning with no smile and sits in his office all day usually annoyed with his work. But with you, he has the biggest smile.

“I got really lucky.” He let’s you fall back on his chest as he picks out a show for you two to watch.

“I’m dating the richest, sexiest man in London. I think I got really lucky.” You mumble into his shoulder. He smirks as he squeezes your side.

“You’re drunk.” He reminds you and you shake your head.

“No, you’re extremely hot, you’re the ceo Of one of London’s best companies, and I don’t even know what you guys do over there but you make it look good. Not to mention you have an extremely big—” he stops you before you finish your sentence.

“Okay, darlin’, okay.” He Let’s His thumb massage your thigh and you calm into his side.

“Don’t leave me.” You reach for your glass and he stops you before you can get it.

“I won’t, promise.” He pulls you back into him.

“Where are those cute little glasses of yours, you look like peter Parker.” You touch his curls and give them a soft tug. Tom didn’t mean to get turned on by that but he loved it when all the times you had sex you’d tug his hair.

“Okay, maybe we should get you off to bed.” He picks you up and You giggle at how fast he moves.

“Will You Be there when I wake up?” You ask and he laughs as he pushes open the door.

“Promise you I will.”

Your body felt gross, you had a headache after drinking a bit too much while tom was being responsible. You hated yourself for doing that, honestly. But everything hurt and you needed to drown it all out for just one night.

Tom was missing as well, but this time there were no crashing in the kitchen, no running around, he had left to take Cara to school and most likely go to work. There was a small sticky note with Advil and water.

Took Cara to school and there are Bagels on the counter, we can meet for lunch if you’d like? Let me know how you’re feeling♥︎

You smile at the note and pop the pulls in your mouth taking the water to follow them. You felt like taking a shower, cleaning your whole body from last night.

Although there was loud banging coming from the door. It hurt your head and the sun from the windows didn’t help.

“Tom just open the door, I know you have a key!” You shout ignoring it. The bangs got louder as you took the poppyseed bagel out of its bag and that’s when you turned to open the door.

“Tom, stop bang—” you pulled the red door open and there stood Henry, the man you hated dearly still and didn’t know how he got your address.

“Look I came to talk—” he started, he was wearing a New York sweatshirt and wrinkled jeans.

“How did you find my house?” Your hand turned white on the door handle and you felt like this was just a hallucination from the hangover.

“Your mum and my mum still go to the same book club. Apparently they’re friends and still keep in touch, she had your address.” He gives a lopsided smile. You knew your mum still talked to his, they’ve always been friends.

“So why are you here?” You spit and he rocked back and forth on his heels.

“I was a bit rough yesterday, we didn’t get to properly talk.” He tried and you want to laugh, so badly do you want to laugh. You don’t though, you try and shut the door. “Wait!” He stops it with his shoe. “Please.”

“What do you want me to do? I’m so confused! You’re gone for six years and you come back when my life is perfect and want to crawl back in on one pity sorry?” You throw your hands up and he looks around, you could care less if you made him cry.

“I just wanna meet her! Is that too much to ask?” He begs now with his hands up in the air.

“Yes! That is! She doesn’t deserve you! She doesn’t know who you are and she doesn’t deserve to know who you are.” You shout, the shouting alone hurts your head and you want to go back in bed and call tom to come cuddle.

“And what the guy your fucking deserves to be her dad?” He scoffs and you look at him in shock.

“Yeah and if you’re not any different,” you laugh this time and he leans against your door.

“Let’s see, I took you to prom—” he starts and you let your head fall on the door.

“You took me to prom doesn’t make up for leaving me with a baby!” You scream and right as you do your phone rings. You start to talk again but the ringing keeps going and causes you to sigh and grab it.

“Hello?” You pinch the bridge of your nose.

“Darlin’! Did I wake you?” Tom asks. He’s driving, you can hear that you’re on speaker phone.

“No, no,” You look over to the man still in your doorway waiting for you to come back. “Thank you, by the way. The bagels, taking Cara to school, it was the nicest thing anyone’s done for me in awhile.” You look over at Henry as you say those words.

“No problem, it was her idea. Anyways, I left my watch and wanted to know if you can bring it when we get lunch? If not then that’s okay I can just—” you cut him off before he starts his nervous rambles.

“I can bring it, of course. I’m kinda doing something right now but I love you and will see you soon.” You tell him and he says a quick I love you before you hand up and focus on the problem at your door.

“As I was saying—” He starts again and you shake your head.

“No, no, you can’t be here and you can’t see her. I’m done okay? I’m sorry you wasted your time with coming here but you can’t see her, she’s not yours. If you try and bring lawyers in that’s a bad idea because you know I’ll win.” You tell him and he looks like he’s about to cry but you didn’t care, you wanted him gone.

“You can’t be serious.” He chokes out a laugh and you furrow your brows.

“Funny, I think those were the exact words I said to you the day you left.” You presses your lips into a smile and shut your door.

You lean your head against the door and look over to a picture of Cara on her first day of school. She wore the required uniform and had her curls pulled back into a ponytail. She was yours, and now Toms, you two took care of her and no one else did.

You grab the phone and try to call tom again. The call went to voicemail, twice, you assume he’s busy and can’t use his phone while working. You need him right now though, certain times you need him the most.

You sit there, the sound of the coffee machine dripping fresh coffee, the morning news instead of Cara’s cartoons or shows. Any other day you’d love to be alone, have a nice relaxing morning and paint but right now you wanted tom and your girl, in bed making your laugh.

The sound of your phone rings once again. Toms name with hearts pop up and make you smile. You are quick to press the answer button wanting to hear his voice.

“Hey I saw you called again?” He asked, his voice deeper and it sounded as if he was around people.

“I thought maybe I can return that watch now?” You ask. You didn’t know where the thing was but you were will to look for it if that meant you saw him faster.

“Oh,” he looks around. “I’m in some meetings—” he hears your sigh and can tell something is bothering you so he doesn’t want to disappoint. “But I can have my receptionist let you up.” He tells you and you let your head fall on the counter.

“Thank you.” You whisper and let some tears fall.

“Love, what’s wrong?” His voice soft and full of concern.

“I’ll explain when I’m there.” You sniffle and he feels his heart ache.

“Okay, drive safely, I’ll be here.” He assures you and you sit up and sip your coffee.

“Okay.” You hang up. You order an Uber knowing that you are in no condition to drive. You find the watch he wanted on your nightstand sitting there pretty in gold. Sometimes you wondered why all the expensive stuff, he was rich but he never acted rich. As in he never acted like an asshole who threatened you.

You threw on an old sweater and some baggy jeans. It always shocks you how London can manage to be cold and rainy when some people would still consider it summer. Hard rain poured down not helping with your mood.

When your Uber arrived you didn’t say much except the address. He for a second started boasting about how his son worked for the company and how hard it was to get a job. Although it probably wasn’t, tom is pretty nice but you didn’t really know how he was business wise.

“Thank you.” You gave him a half smile as you get out of the car tipping him. You walk up to the building slightly intimidated, all the professional people walking in and out and you’re wearing a sweater and jeans.

“Hi, I’m here for tom holland.” You ask the woman and she gives you a look up and down.

“Name?” She asks and you say your name and she looks at you again.

“Go on up.” She spoke before going back to her computer.

The elevator ride is long, the longest you’ve ever been. There were sixteen floors and tom was at the very top. When you got to his floor it was a lot more peaceful than the one at the bottom.

“Excuse me?” Another woman asked noticing you trying to figure out which office is Toms. “You must be (y/n)? Mr. Holland’s door is down at the end.” She smiles and you nod before walking all the way down and knocking on the door.

“Tom?” You ask as it opens. Tom looks up from his desk. His look was sexy, something you didn’t see at the diner usually. A dark black suit and his hair slicked down into place with gel, he wore his glasses and a serious look that softened at you.

“Babygirl.” He moves his chair back and you come over to him. He motioned for you to sit on his lap which you gladly did. “What happened when I left?” He asked sensing something was wrong.

“Henry came over.” You laid your head on his chest. You felt bad since you were wet from the rain but he didn’t mind.

“What?” He asked as if he wanted to kill the man for talking to you again.

“I told him to leave, that he can’t see Cara again. I just started feeling everything I felt last night again and it hurt. It hurt a lot. I know I’m acting like a baby but I wanted to see you.” You sniffle staring st his computer taking in all the numbers.

“You know the first time I tried to flirt with you, you rolled your eyes.” He tells you. It was true, he looked up a cheesy pick up line and you rolled your eyes. He didn’t give up, he refused to give up on you.

“I know.” You touch the curls that weren’t soft but crunchy.

“I love you a lot. I think you are perfect. I knew that since day one, and I don’t want some asshole to make you rethink any of that.” He presses a kiss to the top of your head.

“I don’t deserve you.” You look at him and he presses soft kisses along You jaw.

“I think it’s the other way around.” He pulls you down and presses sloppy kisses all around your face. He paused as he saw your emotions drop again.

“When Cara was a baby, I was so scared that everyone would hate me for being so young with a baby. She was impossible some days and I thought we’d never make it, me up all day and night. I thought no one would want to date someone with a kid as young as me but you are so incredibly sweet to us.” You tell him and he feels himself warm in the heart from your words and pulls you into his chest.

“You don’t have to be alone anymore.” He touches your damp hair. “You both don’t have to be alone anymore.” He reminds you and you sigh tracing patterns on his clothed thigh.

“So,” you get up and look at him again. “Want me to pick something up for lunch? I should leave now, no one knows how to drive in the rain.” You laugh a bit and tom holds you down.

“I can have someone bring us up something, can you stay like this all day?” He asks and you look at all his work in front of him.

“You have work, tommy.” You tell him and he shakes his head kissing the small of your neck.

“I’ll do it later, it’s also hard right now and I don’t wanna worry about it.” He says and you smile wrapping your arms around him just to stay like this a little longer.

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phantasticworks · 5 years ago

Text

If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter Nine

Hi everyone!! Thank you so much for all the lovely comments on the last chapter, it literally makes me so happy to see everyone enjoying this story so far! <3 I hope you all are staying safe and taking care of yourselves in quarantine!!

read on ao3

Words: 10.7k

Summary: The twins have their first day of school and Dan and Phil find out some new information about their family.

Warnings for this chapter: Swearing, mentions of past trauma (but very subtle)

Surprisingly, Dan manages to get through a few hours of work without any serious incidents reported to him, but every chance he gets, he checks his phone for any new messages. Eventually, he opens it to find something he constitutes as a mild emergency and decides to take a break to give it his full attention.

Phil: So I have a tiny headache the twins will be fine if I go have a lie down for a bit yeah?

Dan: are you feeling dizzy?

Phil: Not really? Just tired and my eyes hurt.

Dan: take your contacts out and go have a nap

Phil: Yeah?

Dan: yeah they should be fine i hope you feel better

Phil: :)

He doesn’t text Phil back, his stomach twisting with nerves at the thought that Phil is there alone with the kids with a headache. He wasn’t so worried about him not being able to take care of the kids, but he was very concerned about the migraine. Phil’s doctor had already warned him to not overwork himself. Suddenly Dan starts wondering if he’s been putting too much of his own work on Phil.

Dan worries himself about this for the next half hour or so, but when his phone dings, he welcomes the distraction.

Phil: The kids are literally playing so loud. Like they’re perfectly fine but they’re in their room and they’re like SCREAMING

Dan: just put in some headphones and drown them

Dan: OUT drown them OUT

Dan: Do not drown our children.

Phil: LMAO

Phil: Stop making me laugh it’s making my head hurt more.

Dan: :( im sorry love. I’ll be home soon to take care of you

Phil: Don’t be silly, I’m a grown man, I can take care of myself.

Dan: im going to pretend you didnt just try and pass up my servitude

Dan: dont be noble or whatever you know i dont mind taking care of you

Phil: I know. Thank you.

Dan: if you feel like getting up take some medicine and maybe put a movie on upstairs for the kids? I should be home in an hour

Phil: Alright. See you later.

Dan: <3

Dan hurries to finish the document he’s working on, and he’s out of the office within half an hour. He stops at a shop and grabs some chocolate and a pack of little marshmallows that Phil likes, mainly just to cheer him up, since it wasn’t a cure for a migraine by a longshot. He considers getting takeaway, but he knows they’ve already agreed to stop doing that so much, for the kids’ sake.

When he gets home, the flat is mostly quiet, only the soft sound of the TV drifting down the stairs. He toes his shoes off quietly before making his way to his bedroom, the door left slightly ajar. The light is off, but there’s a lump under the duvet in the form of his best friend. He can tell from his breathing and the tense set of his shoulders that he’s not asleep, as hard as he’s probably trying to do just that.

“Phil?” Dan murmurs, walking over to sit on the edge of the bed.

Phil rolls over, his eyes finding Dan in the darkness of the room. “Hey,” he rasps out. Dan studies him, frowning when he notes how red Phil’s eyes look.

“Did you take your contacts out?” He asks, his voice bordering on accusing.

“Yes.”

“Have you… Were you crying?” Dan asks softly.

Phil hesitates before shrugging, wincing a little at the movement. “My head just really hurts,” he breathes.

Dan’s heart squeezes painfully seeing the pain Phil is going through. “Oh, love,” he sighs. He stands up, moving towards the bathroom. “Hold on, let me get something.” He runs a cloth under hot water, squeezing the water out to use it as a hot compress. They really needed to invest in some of those, honestly. “Here,” he says softly, brushing Phil’s hair off his forehead and playing the towel gently over his forehead. “Wait right here, I’m going to get you some coffee.”

“I don’t really-”

“I know, babe, but you know it helps. You don’t have to drink all of it, yeah?”

He watches Phil’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallows. “Okay,” he whispers, his eyes closing.

Dan hurries to the kitchen and quickly makes Phil a cup of coffee, racking his brain for anything else that might help him. He comes up short, so when the coffee is ready, he takes it back to their bedroom. “Sit up for me?” Phil follows his instructions and reaches out for the mug, his hands shaking more than usual. “I’ll hold it,” Dan mumbles.

After Phil’s sipped all he can handle, Dan allows him to lay back down. “I’m going to go check on the kids and I’ll be right back, okay?”

Surprising him, Phil shakes his head a little. “No, I just- I need to sleep,” he says pleadingly.

Dan hesitates, but nods uncertainly. “Okay. I’ll shut the door, then… But you have to text me if you need anything.”

“I will,” Phil agrees.

Nodding, Dan moves to leave the room, pausing when he hears Phil’s voice again. “Hm?”

“I said thank you.”

His heart melting, Dan walks back over and presses a kiss to Phil’s cheek. “Of course,” he murmurs. “Get some sleep, yeah?”

Phil only nods, his eyes closing again, his eyelashes fluttering. Dan hopes sleep finds him easily this time, and he really hopes he has the best dreams.

Dan finds his way upstairs and spends some time with the twins, who are very worried about Phil apparently. He assures them that he’s fine, and they watch a movie quietly before Dan heads back downstairs to start dinner and check on Phil. He stops in their room first, quietly opening the door and slipping inside.

“Phil?” He calls softly.

Phil doesn’t stir, and Dan quietly tiptoes over, finding the towel discarded on the floor. He notices that Phil’s coffee cup is a little emptier, which he takes as a good sign. He smiles a little, but what really warms him is when he studies Phil. He’s not on his own side of the bed this time. Instead, he’s migrated over to Dan’s and he’s got Dan’s pillow wrapped in his arms, his nose buried in the fabric. A tiny part of Dan wonders if feeling closer to him helped Phil sleep. He finds that he likes that idea quite a lot. However, it’s a stupid thought, and he discards it quickly.

He presses his hand gently to Phil’s forehead to check for a temperature. Luckily, he feels fine, maybe even a bit chilly. Dan tugs the duvet over him, making sure he doesn’t get cold. With another lingering look, he tiptoes out of the room to go make dinner for everyone, a secret grin on his lips.

~~~

The night before the first day of school was rough. For Dan, at least. The kids were surprisingly excited to be starting at such a good school, and Phil was excited that they were excited. Dan, however, was a bit of a nervous wreck. He knew there was no reason for him to be particularly nervous, but those first-day-of-school jitters had never left him for some reason, and even now that it wasn’t his first day at a new school, he still felt anxiety swelling up in his chest the night before.

“Could you turn your volume down a bit, love?” Phil mumbles from his spot on the bed beside Dan.

Dan startles a bit, not realizing that Phil was still awake and could hear the music he was playing on his phone. “Sorry,” he whispers back, turning the volume down a couple notches.

Phil hums and there’s a moment of quiet before there’s a shifting on the mattress, accompanied by a weight pressing down on Dan’s waist, in the form of Phil’s arm. “Are you going to sleep tonight?” Phil murmurs against the shell of Dan’s ear.

Shivering lightly at the brush of his lips, Dan shrugs. “Maybe. Can’t sleep right now. Too anxious.”

“Yeah?” Phil responds. “Wanna talk about it?”

Dan mulls it over before shrugging, unconsciously allowing his hand to fall to Phil’s arm, where he begins stroking gently. “I don’t want the kids to get bullied. I’m afraid that if anyone asks about their parents or their home life, they’ll tell them they’re living with us.”

Phil seems to pause to take this in. “And you don’t want anyone knowing that they live with us?” He sounds confused, and he has every right to, because Dan’s not quite sure that’s it, but he’s even less sure about how he wants to describe it.

“No, it’s not that, I just… I don’t want them to get made fun of, for us. Like, for having two dads? I know we aren’t- I don’t really know how to describe it.” Dan lets out a frustrated huff, his anxiety about the whole thing making it even harder to formulate a cohesive thought about it.

“I think I get it, Dan. You don’t want the kids to have to deal with those little homophobic twats that they’ll inevitably encounter. But, we can’t do anything about someone else’s kids and their homophobia, Dan. What we can do is raise ours to be compassionate and accepting, you know?” Phil strokes his thumb against Dan’s hipbone, lightly raking his t-shirt up with every stroke.

Completely without his permission, tears spring to Dan’s eyes, and he knows that he’s likely going to start sobbing if Phil doesn’t change the subject soon. Something else prickles at the back of his mind then, and he can’t help but stop the movement of his hand against Phil’s arm in contemplation. “You say “ours” an awful lot now,” he comments.

Phil stiffens, and his movement against Dan’s skin slows to a stop. “Is that a problem?” he asks cautiously.

Dan can feel his face heating up, and he ducks his head, pretending to be focused on his phone, where the Spotify app is still quietly playing music. “No… I like it. It makes me feel like we’re really a family.” The words are whispered, and Dan almost wishes he’d muffled them against his arm.

There’s a breath of quiet laughter then, followed by the feeling of Phil fully relaxing against Dan’s back. “We are.”

Dan turns off his Spotify playlist and locks his phone, tossing it onto his nightstand for the night. There’s a brief flare of uncertainty that Phil might not appreciate the closeness, but Dan pushes that thought away and presses himself back, snuggling into Phil’s warmth.

Phil hums, a content noise that resonates through Dan’s body in their closeness, and Dan smiles in response. “Night,” he whispers, closing his eyes.

“Night, bear.” There’s definitely a kiss pressed to the back of his head, but for once Dan doesn’t feel like he should pretend he didn’t notice. He doesn’t call him out on it, but when he feels Phil’s breathing evening up behind him, he tugs the hand Phil had settled on his waist, lifting it gently to press a kiss to his palm.

It’s nothing, he reminds himself firmly as he allows himself to drift to sleep. It was just a little selfish moment. Everyone is a little selfish once in awhile.

~~~

“Bear? It’s time to get up, come on, I made breakfast.” The voice was too close to Dan’s ear, and it made him whine in protest, squeezing his eyes shut tighter.

“Don’t wanna,” he mumbles, rolling over to speak into his pillow.

Phil laughs, and a second later Dan feels Phil’s hands carding through his hair. “Daniel,” he says firmly.

Dan groans, tilting his head enough to open one eye. Phil’s face is close, and there’s a soft sort of smile on his face. “Don’t use your dad voice on me.”

“My what?” Phil says through a laugh.

Rolling his eyes, Dan rolls over onto his back, tossing his head over to the side and pressing his forehead against Phil’s thigh. “You know. Your dad voice. That’s exactly how you talk to the kids when you’re pretending to be stern.” His voice is slightly muffled into Phil’s pajama pants, and he ignores the way that feels slightly inclined to press his lips to the flannel.

“I do not!” Phil protests, tugging on Dan’s curls.

“Ow,” Dan whines. “You do, but I’ll let you keep thinking that you don’t.”

Phil huffs loudly. “Whatever. It’s time to get up, the kids are already eating their breakfast, and you need to get up.”

“Ugh, fine.” Despite his half-assed agreement, Dan makes no move to get out of the bed. He thinks he’s gotten away with this when he feels the bed shifting with Phil’s weight, and he snuggles back into the blankets, allowing his eyes to drift shut.

“I’ve gotten the kids’ lunch- Dan!” Phil’s voice pitches up an octave, as he apparently realizes that Dan has yet to get out of bed.

“What? I’m going, I’m going,” He whines, rolling over to face the opposite way. “I just need… a few more minutes…”

“Daniel James, if you aren’t out of that bed in one minute, there will be consequences.” Phil’s voice is hard, and Dan can tell he’s likely getting annoyed, and maybe not in a joking way.

Grumbling under his breath, Dan rolls out of bed, coming to stand in front of Phil. “I’m up, don’t get your knickers in a wad.” He crosses his arms over his chest, which probably just proves how childish he’s being.

Phil tilts his head, a soft look in his eyes. “You’re…” He stops himself, and Dan arches an eyebrow.

“I’m what?”

Without so much as another word, Phil steps forward, wrapping an arm around Dan’s waist and pressing his lips to his forehead sweetly. “You’re being a brat, but I know you’re tired, so I’ll let you be grumpy. Pancakes are on the table.”

Dan doesn’t even have a moment to reply before Phil is stepping away, out the bedroom door as if he hadn’t spoken at all.

Shaking his head slowly, Dan makes his way over to the bathroom. After a quick wee, he washes his hands and makes his way to the kitchen, the scent of pancakes leading him in. He needs to shower, but pancakes are far more important to him right now, and he knows he should eat first anyway. The sound of voices makes him smile, especially when he recognizes Phil’s, telling the kids that they can go wild with the toppings.

“Don’t get them jacked up on sugar, Phil, we don’t want their poor teachers to have breakdowns on the first day of school,” Dan says, rolling his eyes as he enters the kitchen, bumping Phil’s hip as he goes over to the coffee pot.

Phil glances over at him, shrugging innocently. “I did nothing. I’m just an innocent bystander, honestly.”

Dan quirks a brow at him as he pours himself a cup of coffee, his gaze sliding over to the twins, who are both hiding smiles as they pile treats atop their pancakes. He shoots Phil a pointed look, and the older man’s face flushes. “Mhm,” Dan hums disbelievingly.

“Come on, Dan! It’s the first day of school! They deserve to have a good breakfast for that,” Phil protests, holding his hands together as if he’s praying. He puts on his best pitiful expression, clearly begging for mercy with his breakfast shenanigans.

Rolling his eyes at the ridiculous expression on his best friend’s face, Dan pushes past him, going to sit at the table. “Fine, but you have to do the dishes when we’re done.” At Phil’s answering pout, Dan shakes his head. “Nope, not gonna work. They’re going to be all sticky, and you’ve created this mess, bub.”

“Fine,” Phil sighs petulantly, dropping into the chair beside Dan. “I guess I can do the dishes.”

Dan smiles sweetly. “I guess you can too. Now, let me see those marshmallows.”

After eating too much of a too-sweet breakfast, Dan sends the kids to get ready for school, calling after them to remember to brush their teeth and wash the syrup off their faces. He takes one glance at the state of the dining table and decides to take pity on Phil. Sighing, he begins gathering up all of their condiments and moving to go place them in the cupboards where they belong.

“Did you change your mind about the dishes by any chance?” Phil asks sweetly, smiling with his tongue poking between his teeth.

Dan rolls his eyes at the suggestion. “Nope. But if I don’t put these up, you’ll probably eat them as soon as I turn my back.”

Phil mumbles something that’s probably a protest, but Dan dutifully ignores him. “Can we do a family picture with the kids before they leave?” He asks suddenly, turning away from where he’d begun washing their dishes.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Dan replies slowly. “What made you think of that?” He asks softly, moving to place some of the sweets in a cupboard beside Phil. He stays there even after he’s closed the door, leaning his back against the counter and facing Phil, his arms crossed.

“I don’t know, I just…” Phil shrugs helplessly then, looking a little lost for whatever reason. “I want to remember those kinds of things, you know? Like, this is our first assignment, and I want to have memories of them when they go back home, or… wherever,” Phil’s voice drops off, and Dan can tell the idea bothers him just as much.

Pulse suddenly racing, Dan steps behind him, cautiously looping his arms around Phil’s waist and setting his chin on the older man’s shoulder. “I know it’s tough to think about them going home,” he whispers.

Inconveniently, his heart rate picks up further, jackhammering into the other man’s shoulder blades.

There’s a hand in his hair then, fingers threading through the curls. “It’s their first day of school with us,” Phil says helplessly. “I’m so excited for them, but...” His voice sounds froggy and snotty, and Dan has never related more.

“Yeah,” Dan breathes out softly.

Dan doesn’t let the hug linger. He extricates himself from Phil’s personal bubble and fusses with his hair instead of pulling him closer, holding him longer. Phil’s gaze darts to him for a moment, but he drops it back to the dishes in the sink. A glance at the clock confirms that he needs to hurry up and shower if he’s going to make it to work on time. “I have to shower, sorry.” He’s not sure what he’s apologizing for, other than for the firm set of Phil’s mouth as he putters with the dishware.

When he finishes showering, he hurries to get dressed so he can go put together lunch for himself and the kids, running through a mental list in his head of all the things he needed to remember to grab before he left. He’s a little more stressed than he’d anticipated, but he’s sure that when they’re in the car he’ll feel less nervous. He just needed to get everything together first, and then he’d be fine.

He stumbles into the kitchen as he tugs on a black sock, not paying attention to his surroundings. When he trips over his own foot, he’s fully prepared to go crashing to the floor and probably die or something, but before he can, he feels himself being caught.

“You need to slow down or you’re going to kill yourself,” Phil laughs, steadying him by his shoulders. It’s a completely different Phil than the one he had left in the kitchen twenty minutes before.

“I’m in a hurry!” Dan pulls the sock on with one final tug and hops deftly out of Phil’s lingering touch, headed for the twins’ lunchboxes.

Except they’ve vanished.

He stops, squinting at the empty space on the counter. He knew for a fact that he’d left them right there, and now they were just… gone. What the hell?

He whirls around, his eyes flittering around the room as he struggles to locate them.

“Looking for something?” Phil asks.

“Yeah, the fucking-“ Dan pauses as he glances over at Phil, something in his voice striking his interest.

Phil rolls his eyes before shooting a pointed glance over at the edge of the table, where the lunchboxes were sitting neatly with the twins’ backpacks and Dan’s laptop bag.

“Oh,” Dan says slowly, a little confused. “Did you-?” He hesitates, looking over to Phil with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, I packed lunch. Yours too.” Phil nods back to the table then, and Dan’s gaze catches on the extra lunchbox on the table.

Dan’s inconvenient heart is warm. “Oh,” he repeats, sort of lost now that he has nothing to do. “Thank you.”

Phil grins at him. “I told you there were things I could do.”

Dan rolls his eyes at this, crossing his arms as Phil moves away from the refrigerator. “I never said you couldn’t,” Dan reminds him helpfully.

“Yeah, well,” Phil shrugs then. “Your mum,” he mutters, quite predictably.

Dan giggles, but before he can bant back, they hear the sound of feet running toward the kitchen. “No running in the house, guys!” Dan calls, smirking when the sound of the stampede quiets immediately. Phil rolls his eyes at this, but smiles broadly at the kids when they walk in. “Everyone ready for school?” He asks brightly, his optimism infectious.

The twins nod excitedly, and Amelia quickly moves to put her backpack on. “I’m ready to go!” She says excitedly.

“Hold on just a second, Mia, Dan and I want to get some pictures of you and your brother on your first day of school,” he says, gesturing for her to put her backpack back on the table.

“Where do you want them to stand?” Dan asks, moving to stand closer to Phil and handing him his phone that had been on the edge of the table.

“Hmm… Balcony, maybe? That would be a nice background,” Phil suggests, nodding to the patio behind them.

Dan nods, gesturing for the kids to go ahead of him. “Go stand beside the plant out there, that’ll look nice.” He ushers them over to it and positions them in front of it, straightening Jaiden’s little tie as he does. “There we go. Mia, did you brush your hair this morning?”

Amelia nods, running a hand through it to prove that it’s tangle-free. “Yes!”

“Good, I’ll spray some hairspray in it before we go- are they good, Phil?” Dan interrupts himself to ask, stepping back and studying their poses with a curious eye.

Phil nods, tugging on Dan’s shirt. “Yeah, now get out of the way a little,” he teases as he brings the phone up to snap some photos. “Alright, say school!”

The kids grin and say the word simultaneously, and Dan’s heart is filled with warmth at how genuinely excited they seem, though his stomach churned at the idea that their school experience might turn out like his. He reminds himself that things are different, times have changed and schools must be better. Hopefully he’s right.

“Alright, selfie time!” Phil announces, tugging on Dan’s arm to drag him over beside the children.

“What?” He asks, trying to hold his laughter in.

“I want pictures of all of us, too!” He rolls his eyes as if it’s the most obvious thing, but doesn’t give Dan any more time to protest, as he’s crouching down and holding the phone out. “Well come on, Dan we don’t have all day,” he says, gesturing for Dan to copy his pose.

A warm feeling floods his chest at the idea of this, these family pictures that really don’t even begin to showcase all that they had to go through to be in these children’s lives. He smiles for the camera, but he can feel the emotion welling up in his chest as he waits for Phil to give them another arbitrary word to say for the picture.

As soon as they’re finished with the pictures, Dan sends the kids to get their backpacks and lunchboxes, turning to look at Phil, who’s scrolling through the pictures with a smile. “Send me those?” He requests softly. Phil glances up at him, his lips falling into a smaller, more affectionate smile.

“Of course,” he replies. “C’mere.”

Before Dan can protest, Phil latches onto his shirt and tugs him closer, opening his camera app and holding his phone out. “What-” Dan starts, glancing between Phil and the phone.

“I wanted a selfie of just us,” Phil says in lieu of an explanation.

Dan is staring at the side of his head, ruining any chance of a good selfie probably, as he considers how genuinely sweet his best friend is. Uncomfortably aware of the camera on him, Dan leans forward, pressing his lips to Phil’s cheek. He hears the shutter of the camera, but he doesn’t even care, tilting his head to smile and flick out a peace sign at it for a proper selfie.

There’s another click before Phil drops his arm, tapping the photos to get a better look at them. A smile tugs at his lips as Dan watches his face. “These are good,” he says softly. He lingers on the first one a little longer than the second but locks his phone and clears his throat after a moment, locking eyes with Dan. “C’mon, time for school.” He leads the way back inside, disappearing down the hallway to allow Dan some space to get his things together.

A few moments later and Dan’s ready to go, and he walks down the hall to find the kids waiting beside the door, listening to Phil, who’s crouched in front of them and speaking quietly. Dan can’t catch his words at first, but when he gets closer he realizes that Phil is telling them what he packed for their lunch and what to do if they don’t understand something in class. “You can raise your hand if you don’t understand, or just wait and ask me or Dan when you get home, and we’ll try to explain, okay? Make sure to use good manners with all your teachers and find good kids to be friends with.”

Dan smiles at Phil as he stops to listen to him, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms as he watches the twins react to his words. Amelia nods eagerly, but Jaiden’s eyes flicker away from Phil and over to Dan mid-lecture, a little grin making its way onto his face. Phil seems to pick up on this, and he tosses a quick glance over his shoulder at Dan, an apologetic look on his face. “Don’t let me interrupt you,” Dan gestures for him to continue. “You’re giving them some solid advice, I’ll be quiet until you’re finished.”

Phil shakes his head and stands, bringing a hand up to the back of his neck and looking a little awkward. “No, I was finished, actually. Got your keys and your phone?” He asks, turning around to face Dan.

“Yeah, Dad, I’ve got all my stuff,” Dan rolls his eyes, giving the kids a cheeky grin as he speaks.

Phil gives Dan an unamused stare. “Alright, Smarty Pants,” he grumbles. “Have a good day at work, be careful driving.”

Dan nods in response and goes to open the door. “C’mon, kiddos, time for school.”

Jaiden turns to follow Dan, but Amelia immediately moves towards Phil. Dan almost calls her back before he realizes what she’s doing.

Phil looks up at Dan in shock as Amelia wraps her arms around his waist in a hug. “Bye, Phil, I hope you have a lovely day,” she says sweetly.

An odd look covers Phil’s face as he looks down at her, and Dan almost worries that he might start crying. But then he’s grinning and petting her hair affectionately. “I’ll be fine, Mia, I’ve got to go to work later too, you know.”

Amelia nods at this and lets go of him, and Dan watches in mild surprise as Jaiden takes her place. He’d seemed the less affectionate of the two of them. Still, Jaiden seems completely comfortable going over to give Phil a hug in the same manner as his sister had, squeezing Phil tightly with a small smile. “Bye Phil, see you later.”

“Bye guys, love you, have a good day,” Phil calls after them as they move past Dan and out the door, his eyes catching Dan’s gaze. His face appears a little pinker, and Dan wonders if it has anything to do with the likely incredibly fond look that he’s shooting him right now. “What?” He says defensively, the color on his cheeks darkening when Dan only smirks.

“Nothing,” Dan sings, shaking his head as he moves out the door. “You’re just being a good dad and I’m proud of you,” he admits more quietly, the grin on his face softening into a genuine smile.

Phil rolls his eyes at this, but Dan can tell he’s fighting a smile. “Go, before you’re late.” He shoves Dan’s shoulder gently, moving him out the door faster.

“I’m going, I’m going. See you later.”

“Text me when you get to work,” is the last thing Phil says before closing the door behind Dan.

The twins are standing patiently, and Amelia has a toothy grin on her face. “What?” He asks her somewhat defensively, a little embarrassed at the playful scene they’d just witnessed.

Amelia only shrugs then, holding her hand out for Dan to take like he normally does to lead them to the garage. “You’re bein’ a good dad too,” she says simply, holding her other hand out for Jaiden, although he just shoves it away. Amelia frowns and moves to grab his hand anyway, and he slaps her hand this time.

“Jai, don’t hit your sister,” Dan says half-heartedly, his heart still jumping at the sweet thing she’d just said to him.

Jaiden reluctantly takes his sister’s hand, and a smile lights up her face as they move into the elevator. Dan allows her to press the button for the garage, watching with amusement at the relief that floods Jaiden’s face when she drops his hand. Sneakily, he moves around to Dan’s other side, tucking his hands into his pockets. He shoots a glance up at Dan and gives him a sheepish look, but Dan only winks at him. He understood the need for personal space, and honestly they were big enough not to need to hold his hand walking from the elevator to the car in a secluded parking garage, anyway.

The drive to the school is full of excited chatter from the backseat, and Dan tunes out of their conversation for the most part, spending most of his mental energy on running through a mental list of things he needed to do when he got to work, as well as thinking about where he needed to take the twins when he got them to their building. It seems like the drive was way too short by the time they get to the primary school, and Dan’s stomach churns with nerves for the children as he sees all the other parents leading their kids in. He hopes and prays that they’re okay today, and he hopes his wishes are heard by someone, somewhere.

“Are you two going to be embarrassed if I walk you inside?” Dan asks, hoping they say no.

Luck must be on his side, because both of them shake their heads before insisting they want him to walk them inside. This time, he makes both of them take one of his hands to walk them inside, talking quietly about how much fun they’re going to have and how he can’t wait to hear all about their day when they get home. “And I’ll be here waiting for you guys as soon as school’s over, okay? And you can tell me all about your day and what you did, alright?”

The twins both nod and mumble their affirmatives, but Dan can tell they’re getting antsy and ready to go. Out of the corner of his eye, Dan sees Esme, the counselor of the primary school. He smiles at her, and she responds with a wave as she makes her way over.

“Dan Howell! I thought that was you, but I wasn’t so sure. I almost forgot that you had two little ones in school this year!” She says pleasantly, smiling broadly at the twins.

“Yep, this is Amelia and Jaiden,” he tells her, nodding to each of them as he says their names.

Esme crouches down and smiles at them. “I’m Miss Esme. I’m the counselor here, and an old friend of Mr. Howell’s.” She winks at Dan then, and he tries to hide a grimace as his stomach churns uncomfortably. He’d almost forgotten the reason he didn’t care much for her, but there it was, the blatant flirtation, despite the fact that she was at work.

The twins move slightly closer to Dan, a little shy about a new person he was sure. He tries to smile apologetically at Esme. “They’re just a little shy at first. They’re very excited to meet their teachers, though,” He informs her, squeezing their little hands reassuringly. He hopes they know that they’re safe here, and he really hopes he’s not wrong about assuming that.

“Oh, I bet! Well, I can take them, if you’re off to work?” She says helpfully, standing up and smiling at Dan. Without giving him a chance to respond, she reaches up and runs a hand down his arm, leaning in a little closer. “I know you’ve probably got a lot to do.”

Dan forces a smile onto his face. “No, thank you.”

“No, really! It’s no problem, I’m sure you don’t have time to go get their schedules and find their classrooms and everything. Believe me, I get it, single parenting and everything, and the first day of school is always just the worst,” Esme smiles knowingly, probably assuming that she’s doing him a favor. She holds her hands out as if to take the twins’ hands, but they shrink back closer to him. If she notices this, she doesn’t respond to it.

“No, actually-“ Dan realizes something then as he replays her wording over in his head again. She must have no idea that he’s not a single parent. The idea that she’s just assuming he’s still single is for some reason hilarious to him even though technically, secretly, it’s true. “My fiancé and I got their schedules and everything early and we’ve actually already memorized them, so I think we’re good, actually.” He tries not to sound smug, he really does.

Esme’s face falls at his words, and Dan watches in amusement as she seems to process what exactly this means. “Oh, your… Oh.” She says, deflating.

“Yeah, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to go ahead and take them to their class, but it was great to catch up with you!” Dan nods to her as he begins leading the twins away. “See you later!” He calls as he leads them down the corridor.

“Does she like you?” Amelia asks almost as soon as they’re out of earshot of the woman.

Dan shushes her gently before shrugging. “I don’t know,” He lies. He did know, she’d been flirting with him for years, and had asked him out more than once. He’d always politely declined. There was nothing wrong with her, of course, she was a beautiful, smart woman. Dan just never felt anything for her, and he didn’t want to lead her on or anything. A small part of him is relieved that now he has a valid excuse to get her to go away now, but an even bigger part of him is just weirdly pleased that he gets to claim Phil somehow, even though he knows it isn’t real.

“I think she likes you,” Jaiden chimes in, looking up at Dan with a funny look on his face. “Do you like her too?”

Dan’s mouth drops open at the question, more than a little surprised by it. “What? No, I don’t- I’m engaged to Phil, guys. Do you know what that means?” Amelia shrugs after a moment of consideration, and Jaiden shakes his head. Dan swallows down the bitter taste in his mouth at the lie he’s about to spin to these children. “It means someday we’re going to get married.” His throat burns with the lie, but he chokes it out in spite of himself. “So, no, I don’t like Esme.”

“You like Phil?” Amelia asks, as if she’s just double checking.

Dan nods, hoping this conversation comes to an end soon. “Yep. Just Phil.”

“Huh,” Amelia hums. “Can we go to the park after school?” She asks when they reach the classroom door, completely changing the subject.

Dan lets out a loud laugh at this, not surprised that her child attention-span didn’t want to linger on the whole Phil situation. He wasn’t sure how much more convincingly he could lie about that. “We’ll see, okay? You guys be good today for your teachers, and be nice to the other kids, okay? I know you will, so I don’t even have to say it, but I want you guys to have a good day and tell me all about it after school.” Both of them give him a hug then, and he doesn’t bother hiding his grin. “I love you guys, I’ll see you in just a few hours, yeah?”

“Bye!” Amelia chirps as she skips into the classroom, much more of a social butterfly than her brother.

Jaiden pauses, looking a little more apprehensive. Dan crouches down beside him, laying a hand on his shoulder. “You’re going to be fine, little man. Your sister is going to be right there with you today, yeah? Everything’s okay.” He speaks softly, hoping that none of the kids passing by can hear their conversation. Kids weren’t all bad, but some of them were evil little shits that could practically smell fear, and he didn’t want them to use that against Jaiden.

“Okay,” Jaiden says softly, tugging his backpack strap further up his shoulder. “And you’ll be here when we’re done with school later?” He asks, turning his big brown eyes up at Dan, looking hopeful.

“Yes sir, I’ll be waiting right outside with the other mummies and daddies, okay?”

Jaiden nods and quickly steps closer to Dan, throwing his arms around his neck and giving him a big hug. “Bye, Dan.”

“Love you, bub.” Dan can’t help how choked up he sounds, and he just hopes that Jaiden doesn’t notice.

Stepping away with a wave, Jaiden goes to find his sister in the sea of children already in the classroom.

As Dan walks back to his car, he tugs his phone out of his pocket to send a text to Phil.

Dan: im really loving the whole dad thing rn we’ve got good kids

Phil: The best :)

Dan: is it pretentious to say I think we’re doing a good job

Phil: Nah we’re killing it

Dan: yh we are

Phil: Quit texting and driving Howell

Dan: not

Phil: Lies and slander. Be careful pls

Dan puts his phone into his pocket and the key into the ignition.

He waits until he’s actually in his own office to respond to the text, and he can’t quit smiling at the feeling filling up his chest. Not that he had been specifically miserable or anything lately, but this feeling was great, and he wanted to relish in it.

Dan: k dad im at work now u can quit having a fit about my texting and driving

Phil: Good. I hope you have a good day

Phil: Oh! Check your lunchbox! ;)

Dan falters a little at the winky emoji, something they didn’t often use in their chats, at least not unironically. He’s a little nervous to open the little container, but he does anyway, cautious in case it’s a prank thing.

Instead, he’s surprised to see a little post-it note on the lid of the container. He pulls it off to get a better look and his heart feels fuller as he grins down at the ridiculous doodle Phil had drawn. It’s an (admittedly horrible) doodle of a rat, and above it in Phil’s horrible handwriting, he’s written Dan a little note.

Have a g(r)e(at) day! Xx

Dan can’t help the giggles that fall out at the stupidity of it, but he can’t help but grin. It’s such a Phil thing to do. He tucks it into his top desk drawer, cleaning out a little corner for it before pulling out his phone to text Phil again.

Dan: r u kidding

Phil: Did you like it?

Dan: it’s horrible

Dan: i love it

Phil: :)

Dan: Did you do one for the twins too?

Phil: Yes!

Phil: Well, theirs are nicer, I drew Jai a pigeon and Mia a mermaid

Dan: you’re an actual twelve year old

Phil: In that case, you should probably be arrested

Dan: shut up, im working

Phil: No you aren’t you’re texting me

Dan: go awayyy

Phil: :)

~~~

The first day of school was a success, if the twins’ excited chattering on the way home is anything to go by. Amelia talks incessantly about how Louise’s oldest daughter Darcy is in the same class as them and Jaiden contributes with his own stories about how he sits next to a boy who likes the same dinosaurs as him. He’s sure to inform Dan that he knows more about them than the other boy, but he promises to teach him everything he knows about them.

“So, did you guys like your teacher?” He asks when they’ve pulled into the parking garage of the apartment.

“Yeah!” Amelia nods eagerly. “Mrs. Evans is really nice!”

“Yeah? That’s great!” Dan smiles as he glances back at them through the rearview mirror. “Jai-bird? What do you think about her?”

Jaiden shrugs. “She’s nice but she asked everyone to go ‘round and share something about ourselves with the class and I didn’t like it.”

Dan bites his lip to hide his smirk. He’s honestly still a little shocked at how similar Jaiden is to himself and Phil, and it honestly just makes his heart swell with a weird sense of pride. He isn’t biologically theirs, but he might as well be, considering how similar he is to them. “Yeah? What’d you guys share?” He asks curiously, turning the car off and getting out.

Jaiden, who had been sat behind him, tumbles out of the car, hiking his backpack up on his shoulders as they walk around to Amelia’s side. “I told them I liked pigeons, and then I told them that sometimes we feed them after dinner.”

Dan’s heart flutters at this, and the part of him that’s still overly concerned with homophobic little kids wonders if Jaiden had said anything about the whole “two dads” thing. He sort of hopes he hadn’t, because he knew how mean kids could be. Instead, he just glances down at him with a smile. “Yeah?”

Jaiden nods, then gestures vaguely to Amelia. “Mia said something stupid for hers.”

Amelia pouts at this. “Did not!” She argues.

“Did too!”

“Did not!”

“Did-“

“That’s enough,” Dan says over them, leading them into the elevator and holding Amelia back so Jaiden could press the button this time. “What did you share, Mia?”

“I told them I wanted to be a mermaid princess when I grow up,” She announces proudly, sticking her tongue out at Jaiden when he rolls his eyes at her.

“Well that’s not stupid!” Dan tries to say encouragingly. “Mermaids are pretty cool, and princesses are just like queens!”

Amelia looks up at him with a pitying smile on her face. “No, they aren’t, Dan. Queens have to do all this work, but princesses just get to have fun and be rich.”

Dan can’t help the snort that falls from his nose at this information, although he does try to cover it up with a cough. They’re at the door to the flat now, so Dan releases her hand to unlock the door. “Oh, sorry. I don’t know a lot about princesses I guess.”

The six-year-old only pats his hand sweetly. “It’s okay, you’re only a boy, you don’t get to know everything.” She gives him a charming smile as she dances past him and into the flat, kicking her shoes off and dumping her backpack by the shoe rack.

Dan stares at her for a moment before his gaze darts to Jaiden. Jaiden doesn’t even look surprised, and he only shrugs at him before following his sister. “It’s okay, Dan. Even grown-ups don’t know all the stuff,” he says reassuringly, leaving Dan alone to just stare in shock at the both of them.

He doesn’t even have a comeback, following them in and locking the door behind himself. He shakes his head incredulously, laughing softly to himself as he shoves his trainers off, straightening them up on the shoe rack neatly. “Do you guys have homework?” He calls to where they’ve disappeared into their room.

“No,” they call back in almost unison.

Dan rolls his eyes as he picks their backpacks up off the floor, hanging them on their little hooks neatly. He’d lecture them about that another day. He grabs their lunchboxes and takes them into the kitchen with his own, dropping them onto the counter to sort through the things they hadn’t eaten. Both lunchboxes are nearly empty, although Amelia still had a pack of fruit gummies and a pack of crackers, while Jaiden only left the crackers. That had been a shot in the dark, honestly, but Dan smiles to himself when he realizes that neither of them must like that kind.

After emptying them of any wrappers and the crackers, Dan sets them back on the counter where he’d left them last night to be repacked in the morning. “Do you guys want any snacks?” He calls, moving to the cupboard to grab a glass for some water. After filling it up, he realizes he hasn’t heard a response. “Guys?” He asks. Again, no response.

He sets the glass down before moving down the hall to where their room is, slowing his steps when he hears what sounds like a quiet argument. He doesn’t intend to eavesdrop, really, he doesn’t, but when he hears the name Levi pop up once again, he can’t help but stop to listen.

“Of course, he wasn’t at our school, idiot! He’s in secondary school,” Dan hears Amelia hiss. He frowns, trying to figure out who this Levi person is to them.

“Then maybe he’s at the other school!” Jaiden argues back.

“Who cares?” Amelia responds, and Dan hears the sound of the mattress squeaking as she climbs onto her bed. “We won’t see him anymore, Jai.”

Jaiden makes a huffing noise, and Dan hears what sounds like something hitting the wall. Mia responds with an indignant yelp, and Dan hopes he hadn’t just thrown something at his sister. “It’s not his fault, you know,” Jaiden’s voice is quieter this time, and Dan finds himself inching closer to catch his words.

“I don’t care,” Amelia snaps. “If he hadn’t called those people, we’d still be with mummy and daddy!”

Dan’s heart begins beating rapidly then, and he suddenly has a feeling that this Levi person must be close to them, if he’s apparently the reason they were separated from their family. Dan swallows hard at the memory of Hazel giving him what little information she could about why they were taken away. Drugs and an unstable financial situation: that was basically all that Dan had been privy to. Hazel herself hadn’t been very educated on the case, considering it had been transferred to her from a separate fostering organization.

“They don’t care about us!” Jaiden yells back at his sister.

She shushes him loudly at his words, and then denies it. “That’s not true!”

“Yes, it is, Amelia. Levi was trying to help! Mummy and Daddy were mean to him!”

Dan doesn’t have to see her face to tell that Amelia is in tears when she responds. “No. No, no. They- Mummy was sick!”

Jaiden huffs again. “No. Levi told us she wasn’t really sick.”

“He left us!” Amelia raises her voice. “He left us, and then those people took us away.”

Whatever Jaiden’s response was going to be, Dan doesn’t figure out, because then his phone is ringing in his pocket, and the kids go silent. Dan startles at the noise himself before moving back down the hall a little and acting like he was walking out of his bedroom as he pulls his phone out of his pocket. “Do you guys still want to go to the park?” He calls, trying to keep his voice from wavering.

The twins respond with an affirmative, and he silences his phone when he sees that it’s his mum. He could call her back later, when he had more time and wasn’t on parenting duty. It had been awkward talking to her since he started fostering the twins, but when he’d asked Phil if he was experiencing the same with his mum, he’d denied it. Apparently since Kath was under the impression that they were actually together, she was a lot less bothered by the idea that they were basically raising a family together.

Dan tries not to feel queasy at the implications that has.

Just as they walk out the door, Dan’s phone buzzes with a new message. He wrestles the phone out of his skintight jeans, smiling down at it when he sees the message there.

Phil: I saw a video of a baby bear eating trash today.

Dan: okay?

Phil: It reminded me of you :) <3

Dan: I hate you

Phil: Rude!

Dan: you know im kidding

Phil: I know <3

Dan: quit being gross

Phil: :( Fine I’ll take my affection to my other fake fiancé.

Dan: ouch

Dan: also more on the levi thing

Phil: oh shit was I right?? It’s a ghost isn’t it?

Dan: no you spoon

Phil: then??

Dan: I’ll tell you tonight. It’s important.

Phil: K. see you later

~~~

“I’m home!” Phil calls from downstairs about half an hour after they’ve come home from the park. The twins perk up, and Dan glances at them before grinning, shrugging when they look at him questioningly. That’s apparently all the permission they need to run downstairs to greet Phil. Dan stays on the sofa, listening with a smile as they greet him.

“Phil!” Amelia screeches. She especially got on well with him and was always excited to see him when he got home. Dan wondered if maybe he reminded her of her own dad. The thought makes his stomach churn nervously, but he brushes it away.

“Hi, guys! Oh!” Dan doesn’t have to be watching to know that they likely just jumped on him, and he smirks. “Hello, Mia. You shouldn’t jump off the stairs like that, it’s dangerous,” he chastises gently. She mumbles something Dan can’t hear, and then he hears him speaking to Jaiden. “Hey, little man,” he says affectionately, and Dan can picture him ruffling his hair. “How was school?” Phil asks, and Dan can hear him walking up the stairs now.

The children begin chattering excitedly, and Dan can’t really decipher what they’re telling him between both of them speaking so quickly. He puts his laptop on the coffee table, tossing his arm over the back of the sofa and leaning back as he watches Phil come up the stairs carrying Amelia, Jaiden right behind them. Phil’s eyes dart around the room, a smile stretching his lips when his gaze meets Dan’s.

“Hey,” Phil greets him softly, shifting Amelia in his arms a little.

“Hi,” Dan grins up at him. He nods to Amelia with a knowing smile. “That one might have missed you,” he teases, relishing in the way Phil’s cheeks turn a little pink. He still wasn’t completely convinced that he was good with the kids, although Dan had tried more than once to convince him that he was doing just fine.

“I guess she was the only one,” Phil teases back easily, pouting when Dan rolls his eyes at his childish behavior.

“Oh, I missed you alright,” Dan says, hiding his smirk when Phil sets Amelia down before sitting on the sofa beside Dan. Subtly, he grabs one of the pillows that had been tucked under his left arm. “But I’m sure I won’t at this distance.”

He barely has a moment to take in Phil’s confused expression before he’s swinging the pillow, smacking Phil in the face with a thump.

“Dan!” Phil yells through his poorly concealed laughter.

“What?” Dan asks sweetly, tugging the pillow out of his reach and tucking it under his arm before Phil has the chance to retaliate. Phil notices this, and with narrowed eyes he lunges forward, grabbing for the pillow while grabbing one of Dan’s wrists in the other hand, pinning his hand to the sofa. “No!” Dan screams, rolling over onto his side to try and cover up the pillow. He vaguely hears the kids giggling somewhere behind them, but he’s not even paying attention to that when Phil gets a mischievous look on his face. He doesn’t even have to say it before Dan realizes what he’s going to do. “No, Phil, please don’t- Oh my god!”

Phil snickers as he begins tickling Dan’s side, his laughter bouncing around the room over Dan’s screeches. “You deserve this!” He yells gleefully, dropping Dan’s wrist to attack his other side.

Dan thrashes beneath him, struggling to catch his breath over all his screaming. “No, no, please! Stop! I’ll- I’ll- I’ll behave!” Dan shrieks, feebly trying to shove Phil’s hands away.

“You promise you’ll be nice?” Phil asks teasingly. Something in his voice has Dan blushing, and he draws his legs up, effectively pushing Phil away a little.

“Promise!” He says loudly, breathing heavily when Phil finally stops his attacking. His breathing is labored, and his sides hurt from laughing so much. “Bloody hell, mate,” he wheezes. “I’m too old for this shit,” he mutters under his breath, hoping the kids didn’t hear him.

Phil quirks an eyebrow at him but smiles anyway. “Sorry, I got a little carried away. Are you okay?” He asks sweetly, dropping a hand to Dan’s back and stroking gently.

Dan nods, smiling up at him. “I’m fine, yeah.” His heart is suddenly bursting with something warm as he looks up at his best friend, and he barely realizes it when he reaches up and tucks a piece of hair back into Phil’s quiff, flattening it back gently. Phil’s gaze darts up to Dan’s hand, but they settle back on Dan’s face as his lips fall into a softer smile.

Before Dan has a chance to get too caught up in the moment, whatever it was, he hears a giggle from above him. He glances up to find Amelia and Jaiden hovering over the arm of the sofa where his head is resting. “Can I help you?” He teases.

“Were you two about to kiss?” Amelia asks, smirking at him.

He can feel the blush on his cheeks from the question, and he tries to stutter out an explanation. Luckily, Phil beats him to it.

“Nosy Nancy, why don’t you come over here? I have a surprise for you,” Phil grins, lifting the hand that isn’t on Dan’s back and wiggling his fingers at her.

She squeals before darting behind the couch, Jaiden following close behind.

“Hide and seek, guys, so try not to run everywhere!” Phil calls to them before he glances down at Dan with an apologetic look, but Dan only rolls his eyes before shoving him away.

“Go, go chase them, it’s your turn to play Fun Dad.”

Phil grins before ruffling Dan’s hair and standing from the couch to go play with the twins. “Dinner?” Phil asks inquisitively, pausing before commencing the chase.

Dan rolls to his feet, shoving Phil’s shoulder as he passes him. “I’ll start dinner, go. They want to play, and I wouldn’t put it past them to attack you if they don’t get what they want.”

Rolling his eyes, Phil moves to the stairs to find the kids, who Dan can hear giggling downstairs somewhere. “Right, because they’re so vicious.” The sarcasm is palpable. “Still need to talk later?” he asks softly as they walk downstairs.

“Yeah,” Dan nods. “We can talk when we go to bed?”

Phil nods at this. “Okay.” Then, louder so the kids can hear him, “Ready or not, here I come!”

~~~

After eating dinner and sending the kids to bed, they finally find themselves in their bedroom getting ready for bed themselves. Dan has long since gotten over feeling awkward changing in front of Phil, and he carelessly tugs his jeans off and throws them into the laundry hamper before doing the same with his shirt, replacing it with a t-shirt. He isn’t entirely sure who the shirt belongs to at this point, but honestly most of the things they have are interchangeable, so it really doesn’t even matter. Phil does the annoying thing he always does and leaves his jeans and shirt in a heap on the floor, and Dan dutifully goes behind him and collects them to throw in the hamper.

“They already asleep?” Phil asks from the bathroom when he sees Dan moving around the bedroom.

“Yeah, they were pretty tired after the first day of school I reckon,” he replies, tugging the band off his left hand and setting it on the nightstand. He runs a hand through his hair as he steps into the bathroom, cringing when he feels how greasy his hair is. He’d been running his hands through it a lot today, stress mostly, and it showed.

Phil, who’s brushing his teeth, squints at Dan’s reflection in the mirror. “Alright?” He asks around the foam in his mouth.

Dan nods but crinkles his nose at him, prompting Phil to spit before rinsing his toothbrush off. “Hand me the toothpaste,” he says as he grabs his own toothbrush from the cup. Phil hands the tube over and then studies Dan’s reflection as he begins brushing his teeth.

“Your hair’s getting long,” he comments, bringing a hand up to card through Dan’s curls. Dan unintentionally cringes away, not wanting Phil to mess with his already dirty hair. “Sorry,” he mumbles, dropping his hand.

“‘S fine, just need to wash it,” Dan responds. He finishes brushing his teeth in silence, splashing cold water on his face when he’s done. “Did you take your contacts out?” He asks Phil, turning around to face him.

Phil nods, quirking an eyebrow. “Done in here?” He asks, his hand hovering over the light switch. In response, Dan only nods as he heads back into their bedroom, going straight for the bed.

“I’m exhausted,” he mumbles into the pillow after he’s crawled under the duvet.

“Same,” Phil sighs, and Dan feels the shifting of the mattress as he settles under the covers on his side. There’s the sound of metal clinking against wood, and Dan assumes he’s taken his ring off. “Lights off?” He asks softly, his hand coming to rest on Dan’s shoulder.

“Mhm, please.”

There’s a click of the lamp being turned off, and Dan sighs into his pillow. “Levi?” Phil says softly, reminding Dan that they still needed to talk.

Dan sighs but rolls over onto his back. “They talked about him again today. They didn’t know I could hear them I guess.”

“Yeah?” Phil prompts when he falls silent. Dan watches out of the corner of his eye as Phil hesitates a little before reaching his hand out and gently pushing Dan’s curls off his forehead. Dan quirks an eyebrow at him, but Phil only shrugs.

“I think he’s their brother,” Dan admits finally, staring up at the ceiling as Phil gently pets his hair. It’s soothing in all the right ways, and he knows he’ll likely fall asleep with him doing it if he doesn’t stop soon.

Phil’s hand pauses in its movement as he seems to process Dan’s words, but when Dan opens one eye to look at him, he quickly continues. “Oh. Are you sure?” He looks conflicted, as if he isn’t sure what his reaction needs to be.

Dan shrugs. “No, but it sounded like it could be.”

“What did they say?”

After recounting the conversation he’d overheard, Dan falls silent, closing his eyes as he allows Phil a few minutes to process the new information. It takes him a few moments, but eventually he speaks. “What do you think we should do? I mean, obviously Levi got taken away too, but where is he now?” He sounds confused, and also hurt. Dan can understand why; the whole situation was beyond fucked up, and his heart hurt to think about the fact that there was another kid involved in this situation, one who didn’t even have a sibling to keep him company like the twins did.

“I don’t know. I think we should call Hazel and ask about him, probably,” Dan whispers, silently hoping that Phil agrees.

Phil hums in consideration. “Do you think they’ll let us take him?” He asks, sounding hesitant.

Dan’s eyes snap open to gauge Phil’s reaction. Phil glances down at him, his lips pressed into a straight line. “It wouldn’t hurt to try,” Dan says softly, reaching a hand up to stop the movement of Phil’s hand in his hair, intertwining their fingers instead. It wasn’t something he did often, especially with no audience, but he felt that they both needed the grounding contact right now.

“I don’t know, Dan…” Phil’s voice is full of concern, and he’s got a guarded look on his face.

“He’s their brother, Phil,” Dan insists quietly. “Sure, we’re doing our best to be their temporary family, but he might be the only family they’ve got left after all of it is said and done.”

Phil sighs, squeezing Dan’s hand before pulling his hand free and moving to lay down. Dan hates the way his hand feels empty without the contact, so he rolls over to face the opposite way and shoves his hands under his pillow. “We need to think about it some more, okay?”

“Whatever,” Dan mumbles, allowing his eyes to drift shut again.

There’s a moment of silence before Phil speaks again. “Are you upset with me?” He asks, his voice soft.

“No, I’m just thinking.”

“Daniel,” Phil reprimands his facetiousness.

Dan groans and rolls over to glare at him. “No, okay? I’m not mad. I just…” he trails off, squeezing his eyes shut and rolling back over. “I’m just tired, honestly. All of this is really overwhelming.”

Phil seems to consider this, and Dan can almost feel the hesitancy in the air before Phil reaches a hand out to rest on Dan’s side. “I know. But you can still talk to me, you know. I’m your best friend.”

“I know,” Dan chokes out.

There’s a moment where neither of them speak and Dan hears Phil sigh deeply before his hand falls away. Dan frowns, feeling the distance between them more tonight than he usually does.

Quietly, so that Phil doesn’t realize how truly affected he is by the conversation and the lack of conclusion, Dan speaks. “You can… I’m not mad. I’m really not.”

The room is quiet for a moment before Phil responds. “Do you want me to?” He doesn’t have to specify, because both of them know what they’re talking about at this point.

Softly, Dan says, “Yeah.”

The mattress shifts as Phil moves closer to Dan, throwing an arm around his waist and snuggling against his back. Dan relaxes into the touch, moving one of his hands down to grip Phil’s wrist to hold him in place. Phil squeezes him gently and Dan shivers as he feels his breath fan across his neck.

“Cold?” Phil whispers.

Dan shakes his head. “No.” He hesitates before speaking again. “Are you upset with me?”

“No,” Phil assures him. “I just don’t know what to do about this. I need more time to think about it, okay?”

“Okay. We’re okay?”

Phil laughs softly, and Dan knows he doesn’t imagine it when Phil presses his lips to the nape of his neck. “We’re okay.”

#phan #phanfiction #foster parent au #foster parent #bbc producer!phil #school counselor!dan #parent!phan #parent!au #friends to lovers #best friends #bed sharing #fake relationship #fluff #light angst #comfort #headaches #honestly this one is lots of cute family fluff and that's basically it

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