#and its hard to feel like im allowed to be upset due to neglect + emotional abuse and so on cus i wasnt allowed to have feelings other peopl

[forestryfae]

its like. i KNOW, on some level, that its kind of fucked up that dad and mom are like. not talking to me or reaching out and they never have ven when i was a kid, and i know on some level its pretty fucked up how little they care about me yet somehow want a say in EVERYTHING in my life

and its kinda fucked up that i asked my dad about a hypothetical scenario where i rent that really shitty apartment he has in the basement for a little while after finally getting rid of the house i currently live in. just so ill have somewhere to live until i find a better apartment somewhere. and somehow my brother gets 12k a month and only pays 4k ish but i make 18k a month so i should ay 10k in rent just cus

and somehow im just a trash heap so when i moved into the house i got a bunch of crap my parents just didnt want. my old stuff from when i was a kid?? okay thanks for the toys but can i ssell them or give some of them to my little sister? NO. what if my little sister comes to visit. they dont fucking visit me more than once a year at most and they only visit my neighbours or show up when im not around. baby pictures??? stuff i had when i was a baby like a toy and some shit drawings from when i was a kid???? WHY WOULD THEY GIVE ME THAT. its stuff that should be sentimentally important enough for dad to keep, not give to me cus theyd feel bad throwing it away or give to me cus it was taking up space. mom kept the big photoalbum books i had to go get from dads house before they sold it even tho it was all packed away and probably hadnt been in a bookshelf for a while and i didnt even get my own babypictures or the album even tho mom said i was gonna get it when i moved out some furniture and shit?? mom didnt wanna get rid of a fucking bench with drawers so he asked me if i wanted it?? i said okay but like if i try selling it is she gonna want it back? and she even tried buying an unopened box with a dresser in it (i dont have space for it anywhere. YET.) from me even tho i said i needed it. she couldve just asked where she got it or some shit, they literally still sell it at the store and you can order it online and dad and stepmom came with some mats and lamps for me "in case i needed some" so thats lying in the garage taking up space cus i dont have any use for them. they even gave me a fucking roomba even tho i didnt think itd help and i never used it and now they want it back cus they wanna give it to grandma. like i get the logic but why give it away if you want it back.

and like. most of my shit is secondhand from family. because the solution to all my problems is apparently not getting me the fuck out of that house, its Giving Me Things. i just got picked up from the psychiatrists office or i have a headache and feel awful or i almost had a panic attack, but dad cant drop me off at home or even at moms house cus that takes 10 minutes extra so instead i get a soda. cus that makes up for him just letting me have a headache or literally driving me aorund for 3 hours cus hes got "chores" (checking out used car dealerships for more cars he can buy so he can fix them cus his hobbies are so important he cant just put them aside and make sure were fed or have clothes, thats mom and grandmas job)

so instead of actually trying to help me or spend time with me they give me shit. i dont see people for literal months and im literally crying daily for hours in the middle of fucking winter and nobody even fucking talks to me but the best way to fix that?? give me a christmas tree and ornaments. give me some of their old decorations too. bail on me to stay home for new years eve but thats okay cus i got a christmas tree they bought for me cus that fixes everything i dont have a table and chairs to sit in the livingroom or kitchen and im almost having a mental breakdown cus i think THATS whats missing and having more furniture is going to fix the complete lack of any connection with other people cus if i have a big house and i have stting space people will actually bother visiting. so ofc dad gives me their old furniture from their cottage, theyve been meaning to get rid of it so they can replace it anyways. literally giving me their unwanted shit cus its easier. going to the thriftstore with me is too much work and i cant get to any of the more remote but cheap furniture stores but thats okay cus they dont care and for as long as they dont have to drive me or spend time with me all is well.

like it is no fuckin wonder im struggling to even save up money when i keep buying shit cus thats literally what always happens when im with family. we go on a daytrip somwhere to buy shit cus there no fucking connection there thats worth even trying to deal with, so the whole idea of an experience or bonding isnt really applicable. being a kid and hanging out with the paternal side of the family was literally always a shopping trip where we bought new clothes. cus dads cheap and didnt wanna spend his precious hobby money on clothes, he wants to fix cars for months then sell them for a couple extra hundreds, and my uncle and aunt and cousin only visited for weekends every now and then so it wasnt often either. but it was practically every time.

like even when im alone in the city or somewhere i wind up spending money on shit cus i just. dont have the self control and who gives a shit anyways its not like ill be able to ever save up for anything and atleast this way i get something i want besides just groceries or whatever. and maybe if i buy the right things ill have motivation to actually do shit like having hobbies or fixing my life and if i have the right aesthetic ill atleast feel less like all my shit is embarrassing and childish and i wont get tired of it as easily ig. but also like whats the fucking point of anything. it feels like im no allowed to get things i genuinely want or thhink would help and im not allowed to switch things out when theyre not working. im not allowed to get a new desk cus i have an old one i dont want and never use, i have a new one ive never used and thats driving me insane because of the size and how can i know it doesnt help or work or makes me wanna draw if i havent even tried it. so i already have stuff so im not allowe dt get new things or nicer things.

except a new desk would atleast let me clean my room properly and itd give me more space and maybe if i was allowed to do that id finally draw again us id have somewhere to put my art stuff and somewhere nice to sit. maybe itd make stuff easier and nicer for me?? is that not a good reason. especially considering everything else. im fuckign depressed, ive been for years and im only now starting to get a little better, i have a house i dont wanna fucking live in most of the time cus its just one big boring fucking chore and i cant even afford it. i cant even clean it properly or fix anything cus why bother, i dont wanna fucking be here i hate it here. it sucks and its lonely and its not even functional and nothing works and i cant even decide on a wallcolor without everyone else giving me their input whether i ask for it or not. i have 40k in an account and im not even allowed to look at it and i didnt even know i had it cus mom never fucking told me about it. i literally just wanna get rid of everything and start over and move somewhere and actually have a car and a job i enjoy that i actually get paid for and some mental stability so i can go to the job and get dishes and laudnry done without it being a fucking struggle every god damn time.

[stargazer-balladeer]

Comforting S/O [Pokémon Sword & Shield]

Characters Included: Bede, Hop, Leon & Raihan

Notes: I know I should be doing requests but I’ve been wanting to do a Pokemon hc for awhile now (im also waiting for someone to request something for pokemon but sadly, no one did 😔🥺 please send requests for pokemon). Hope you’ll enjoy it! (Sorry if some of them are OOC)

Reader’s Gender: Neutral

Warnings: none (minor spoilers if you don’t know of the storyline of the game)

Bede

— When you start to cry, Bede would panic. Regardless if he knows the reason or not, he’ll still panic. Even though you two are together for a long time now, he still panics whenever he sees you starting to sob.

— His heart will shatter when he hears you hiccuping in your cries as he awkwardly pulls you into a (awkward) hug. He tries his best, but he isn’t good at comforting. So he’ll just hold you until you calm down.

— He doesn’t mind you staining his jacket (or gym shirt), all he cares about is whether you’re okay or not. Bede would definitely ask what’s wrong, but if you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine for him. Just expect Bede to be more cautious and observant of you.

— If your reason is someone bullying you— “what’s their name? where do they live? where are they now?—“ yeah, he’ll make sure that person will pay for making you cry. It’s bad enough that he was rude to you back then. If your reason is because of him, he’ll be surprised and hurt. He knows he isn’t the best and perfect guy, but now he felt like the most cruel guy in the world for making you cry. Bede would definitely try to remember what he did to make you cry.

— However, if your reason is stress about Pokémon battles, gym, etc. Bede would understand since being a Champion is hard and stressful, being in the media’s eyes constantly. Bede couldn’t do much since he’s only a Gym Leader in training.

— Bede would drag you to either your homes (but preferably his), and force you to sit down on the couch and rest. He’ll go to the kitchen to prepare some food as he instructs you to put on a movie. Once he’s finished, he’ll go back to the living room with food at hand. From there, you two will have a unplanned movie night.

— Bede might not be the most preferred guy to go to for comfort, but he tries his best. It isn’t his fault that his parents abandoned him, making him an orphan, and raised without love and warmth. He only experienced it with you, and continue experiencing it for the rest of his life. So please don’t hold it against him for being this way ;-;

Hop

— When you start to cry, Hop’s first instinct is to pull you close and “shh” you in a comforting way. He rubs his hands on your shoulders as he lets you cry on either his shoulder or chest. For some reason, he knows how to comfort other people, unlike Bede. Probably seen it with how their mother comfort Leon when he lost for the first time.

— Hop’s heart will break when tears started cascading down your cheeks. He hates seeing you cry. He wants you to always be happy, but he knew that seeing you cry is actually important. Since he knew that crying is normal and seeing his s/o cry means you trust him.

— Hop wouldn’t immediately ask what’s wrong. He’ll let a couple of minutes or an hour to pass before asking, making sure you’re already calmed down. He just wants to find out what’s wrong so that he can see that smile of yours that he loves so much.

— If the reason why you’re crying is someone making fun of you, he’ll not say anything at first. But he’ll definitely ask for their name, he wants to know why they decided to pick on his girlfriend and the Champion of Galar. If the reason is him, he’ll be confused and might panic. Did he do something that must’ve upset you?! Oh Arceus, did he?! (The second reason doesn’t come up too often, mostly comes up during fights, though they are rare).

— However, if the reason is stress, Hop definitely understands the stress. He’s already stressed trying to become the next Professor in the lab, if being a Professor is hard, what of being the Champion of the WHOLE Galar Region? That must’ve been so stressful. Hop has mutual respect for you for being so strong under so much peer pressure.

— Hop would probably drag you to his room, where you two can cuddle while laying down. He’ll be the big spoon as he hugs you close to his chest. Hop would remain quiet if you don’t want to talk. The thing with Hop, he knows when to be energetic and when to unwind.

— Hop is much more of an ideal guy to go to for comforting than Bede, but he also has flaws. He sometimes can’t see that you’re already crying due to him being busy studying to become a Professor. He might start to neglect you. Hop is super apologetic if ever this happens. Having raised by a Champion brother and a loving mother, he has love to spare to you. He loves to spoil you very much and constantly showers you with affection.

Leon

— When you start to cry, Leon panic but he manage to regain his composure by bringing you to a hug. If he has his cloak, he might cover you by using it as a shield so that no one can see you crying.

— Leon can feel his heart throbbing in pain as you sob in his chest. He immediately wants to know what happened and why are you crying, but he knew better than to ask you right now. Not when you’re still crying your eyes out.

— After crying in his chest for an hour, you finally calmed down. Leon made sure you’ve calmed down. He made you sit on a nearby bench, or lean on a tree, and made you drink water from the bottle he carries always (his mother always made him bring it. in this exact moments, leon is grateful for his mother’s persistence). After all that, Leon will ask all the questions in his head. He doesn’t expect an answer right away but he wants to have an idea on what happened.

— If your reason is someone saying bad things about you, Leon’s face turned into furious then to solemn. As much as Leon wants to beat the crap out of that person, he can’t. Because it’ll affect the reputation that the League has. He’ll just say, “don’t mind them, okay? their opinions don’t matter.” If your reason is because of him, he’ll be so confused like “huh?” “did i do something wrong?” He’s just a confused, lost puppy right then and there.

— If your reason is because of stress, ohhh, Leon can relate to you. He’s been there before, being the previous Unbeatable Champion of Galar Region. He knew the stress of your peers, the challenges, the paperworks and all sorts. He can actually help you! He can help organize your chaotic schedule and stuff like that.

— Leon’s way of comforting is dragging you to your shared house and just pamper you. He’ll cook you a decently-cooked meal (that was, miraculously, not burned). Massage your body, because I can see him being good at massages. And just basically pamper you like royalty.

— Leon is an ideal guy to go to for comfort. He’s basically a huge living teddy bear that you can rely on and cry on. His arms always feels the safest, no matter what.

Raihan

— When you start to cry, Raihan blinks, his mind not processing before panicking. He’ll quickly rush to you and holds your face in his hands and make you look into his eyes while asking “baby! are you okay?! what happened?!” Which results in you crying much more.

— Raihan had the “oh shit” face on when he realized his mistake and immediately engulf you into a hug. Since his tall as hell, he can pick you up easily by grabbing your thighs and wrapping it around his waist. His heart is already cracking by your cries alone.

— Even though Raihan wants to know immediately why you’re crying, he’ll remain silent. He might not be the best at comforting people, like Bede, but he knows when to speak and not to speak. He’ll let you cry into his chest or shoulder until you can’t anymore.

— After that, he’ll coo at you. Saying things like, “alright, who made my baby cry?” And “tell me their name and i’ll beat them up for you.” This was honestly meant to be a joke but Raihan can make it literally happen..

— If your reason is someone telling you to break up with the Dragon-type Gym Leader, then he’ll be furious. He told his fans that you were his mate and he will not allow them to pick on you. The one thing he asked for his fans, and they broke it. You’ve never seen him so furious before.. If your reason is him though, he’ll have a mixed reaction. Surprised, guilt and confuse. Like “huh?? wut? me??”

— If your reason is stress, Raihan nods in agreement. He already faced through stress when he became a Gym Leader. He might not know what kind of stress the Champion Title brings but he knows its a lot of work. He’ll tell you that stress is normal, just come to him and you’ll be alright.

— Raihan would drag you to a field and lay there. If its night time, then you two can go stargazing. If its day time or noon, you two can go cloud gazing. Anything’s fine with Raihan as long as you’re having fun, then he’s having fun as well. He wishes that your sadness will falter whenever you are with him. Because that’s how he feels for you, he can feel like the thousands of weighs being gone when he sees you. He’s forever grateful for you.

— Raihan likes adventures so much, but he can also use a break. So when you came to the picture, he can finally unwind. He wants you to do the same. You shouldn’t be focused solely on your work and ambition, you should take some time for yourself and your love ones. Raihan might not also be the ideal guy of comforting but his presence alone can calm you down :)

[x] Main Page || [x] Pokemon Sw&Sh Page

[brownskngirl]

rambling.

Everyday I wake up and are beyond thankful and blessed to wake next to the one person that i love the most. He helps me build myself and life together. We have a beautiful puppy named Mamba. Definitely trying for a baby as well. I don't know sometimes I do have these feelings as though ill never been good enough for anyone. Sure; yeah, my photos get likes and there are plenty of people that I could hangout with and/or call friends, I just truly know that no one is going to have your back like you do. for the first seven years of my life and even after, I belonged to everyone. my dad just tossed me around homes with his friends and or co-workers as well as different family members. I got to experience the wonderful life of neglect, child abuse, and sexual molestation. My dad left me, my biological dad left me, my mother left, I wasn't able to meet my biological father until I was about 20-21. Our relationship at that is rocky. the parents that raised me disowned me due to them being extremely controlling. Everyone leaves. Or they choose to spend there time entertaining other people. Like I don't know my aunt and uncle that raised me always were so about one another. My uncle would like barely even look at anyone else, she sure as hell didn't. their bond and built family wasn't perfect by all means but they did it together and I guess that's all I've really wanted and searched for in life. Well in the male wise. I'm not sure why I let myself be abused to the point where I couldn't breathe. I let a man dictate how I felt about myself to the point I starved myself almost two years straight, had my weight weekly checked , psychiatric appointments weekly, did coke for the first time, drank every day, every chance I got. It was kind of bad for a good three years but whatever. Sometimes my boyfriend entertains females. for what reason I'm not sure. like why slide up on her story with no face but her body and alcohol? why want her to send her address when she's drinking? I wasn't invited so its not like we both were going to go. I try so hard every time to just trust. trust. trust. trust. believe every word he says about us forever and us together. I'm not that public of a person but I let it be known who I'm dating and that I'm in a relationship. yet he don't, wow he allows it on Facebook, meanwhile talking about other girls squirting on him. lmao. every argument we have had I've done nothing but my absolute best to be and do better for myself, him, and our future. I just want him to have everything he ever wanted and hoped and dreamt of. If I could give him all the money cars and love in this world I would. he deserves it, he deserves the world and more. I wanna be by his side being his number one fan and girl and supporter through it all. I wanna show him that I'm not ever going to give up on him, no matter how hard times get, how low life seems, and even through the daily life adventures. this is my person. and when we have deep talks i really believe him to the point where I am crying because he understands me and hears me and I love that. but then the next day the smallest tiniest thing will set him off and I'm stupid. I'm really hurt still about all of the stuff he told me when he left me at the casino. he gone flex on me with a hotter bitch, I ain't shit, I'm a dumb bitch. Like whaaaaaa. I love you with every ounce in my entire soul and would drop absolutely anyone and anything for you. as I have and will forever to continue to do. but when is enough, enough?? when am i enough for him to be like nah I got a girl lol. or be like not unless my girl sliding. love the support though, keep sharing. its not its send the address no cap. hahahahhaa. I'm embarrassed to have them on my snap. like yeah I show him off cause like haaa I have him but then I look fucking stupid cause they over there being the first to watch my story and probably just be laughing at me. I LOOK FUCKING STUPID. then again its whatever. I try to understand that when we got together it was right after he got out. and he missed all his outside life from

being sent away. :/// its just how can I be more of a woman that he's proud to be with, wants to be with. someone whos like nah my bitch is badder. lmao instead I'm just over here hoping he even likes me today. I just need to I don't know yet figure out how I can continue to grow as a woman and wife. I wish we didn't lose our baby though. I often think about it. I was farther than I thought, and I wish that right now I was talking to my baby and watching him/her grow in my belly. because its parents would love that baby more than anything on planet earth. I pray we get pregnant though, but when we are ready. I love my man so fucking much and I really know how much he tries to do good in this world and how far he has come as a person. he really is so amazing, so smart, handsome and beyond giving. even to people who definitely don't deserve it. I don't know how I was so blessed and lucky to have him with me. I really am, I love his family too, so much. I hope he never leaves me. id do anything for him and he knows that. I just also pray and hope that I am enough as a person for him to remain loyal faithful well only entertaining all that to me and only me. he is my other half, forever.

my family always taught me that crying wasn't okay. therefore I never really cried growing up. I mean yeah when I got hurt and such but even when I almost broke my nose I didn't cry. It just wasn't something I was allowed to do. everything I felt, every feeling, every moments, etc. I was alone. I really went through life alone. Part of it was my fault yeah I could have opened more up to my aunt a little more and did more with her, but she wasn't that person for me.

Real question is why? why do people willingly choose to hurt others. What am I doing wring in life to have all these people want to leave me and then actually leave. but its more than that people like to see me hurt. for what? maybe I'm too sensitive now and need to back to being an anger bitch. but I fight everyday to be a better person. a happier person. there's just times like I know I'm going to fuck up and I just don't like disappointing people and that is all I seem to be good at. my legal dad is just neglectful and wants to throw my biological father in my mothers face. as if I was at an age to say whether or not who could raise me. At the end they all did a shitty job. It's just crazy how everyone can have an opinion on the way I need to be living my life. I'm always too much this or too much that. I have an angry face and i know that, I know that i always look like that i am angry or that i am upset about something but reality is that im not, i dont really get mad easily. it takes a lot. I just overthink about everything. Like one thing will happen then ill instantly think about the time that it happened before or if it had even happened before, yeah know. i dont know anymore im just rambling and complaining about nothing. i guess typing all of this out feels better than talking to my asshole of a dog or too busy boyfriend.