#crazy what grief will do to a brain lmao

[harrylights]

when u listen to falling for no reason and manage not to cry even once 🤙🏻

[loganslowdown4]

Revisiting Why Is Sleep So Difficult? Couples Counselling

Thomas dropped this gem of a video back in July, what are your thoughts on it? Did he seriously finally make REMILE real/a real possibility??? Ahahahhaha

‘This one hasn’t seen HEAVY sleep since 2017’

Hey guess what year the very first Sleep short came out??

2018 babyyyyyyyyyy 😁😁😁😁😴

OH MY GOD SLEEP HAS THE FUNNIEST F*CKING FACE HERE HE HAS TOO MUCH POWER EVEN OVER PICANI LMAO 🤣

Also this meme is so friggin funny to meeeee

Ahahahhhahaha

This is it

This is the line

Canon event folks 🤣

🖤🩷

It’s Remile I’m saying it’s Remile Remile real folks I’m going crazy lmao 😆😆😆

my boi is adorable 🖋️🩷

THE BITE IM CRYINGGGG

my brain: so is c!Thomas the link across the TS multiverse?

Like is he the same c!Thomas as he is in SaSi and the shorts AND NOW Cartoon Therapy too???

These are the stupid thoughts that sail through my head lol

I am going crackers for split screen

I MISS ITTTTT 😆🖤🤍

SLEEP LEAVING BECAUSE OF ANXIETY WHEEEEEE 😂😂🖤 and that is a continuation on from a short, it really has all been leading to this hdhshdgd

he’s so cute good grief 🖤

And Anxiety having a genuine crush/flirting with Blue Screen is so funny, like legit/potential ‘couples/ships’ in the Thomas Sanders universe genuinely make me wanna kick my feet in the air—

Lastly

Dom was always a snack, this just proves it 😅

🖤

If you guys missed it, I did make a Remile playlist a long time ago hdgdgsggsvs 👇

Hopefully there can be more couples counselling shorts like this in the future! I’d love to see one between Anxiety and Blue Screen later on down the road lmao

[finitefantasy]

LATE GAME VEILGUARD SPOILERS BEWARE

"Actually, Varric was dead the entire time" is the dumbest fucking plot twist they could've done with this game.

This has no emotional impact for new players who this game is CLEARLY trying to cater to. Why would they care an old man was a hallucination the whole time?

It's a zero impact way to affect the veteran players. it feels like he was "kept alive" in Rook's brain just to have Varric be fanservice for people who liked him. Except the fanservice was shit. Watching him sit around and give rote, context-free lines does... nothing?

Watching him "survive" Solas and then be killed by Solas in the same scene, 60 hours later removes all emotional reaction

We never see Rook spend time with Varric so... Rook's grief doesn't even work here? A cut scene where Rook finds out Varric is really dead being put in the fade where "processing your regrets" can help you escape (which is STUPID and is such a weird take on the fade/the fade prison that it pisses me off) means Rook processes Varric's death the second they find out about it. I don’t care if the game says it was weeks… it was minutes.

This is AFTER hallucinating Varric is alive.... for months. Seriously, no reaction to that besides "Oh no :/"

HIM BEING A HALLUCINATION MAKES NO SENSE! We see Rook interact with Varric/Varric speak in SEVERAL group scenes. Did everyone else just... watch Rook stare into the air for 30 seconds and just go "LMAO THAT ROOK THEYRE CRAZY" like??

Neve goes "I'm sorry I didn't notice Solas did this to you" but like... HOW DID YOU NOT NOTICE? Did no one try to talk to Rook abotu it? ZERO conversations were had about ABANDONING VARRIC'S DEAD BODY? OR WHYROOK KEPT GOING OT THE INFIRMARY? Rook never spoke to anyone about their convos with him?

"Oh but Solas mind control maybe kept Rook from discussing it" Okay onto the Solas mind control front... why does Solas have this power now? Why does Solas ONLY use it to make Rook hallucinate Varric??? WHY DOES NO ONE FREAK OUT AND WONDER WHAT ELSE HE COULD'VE DONE? Why is there NO emotional reaction to this? Why is it not a logistical nightmare?

Putting the sex/main romance scene RIGHT after this realization makes the lack of emotional reaction even more insane. You think I want to eat snatch when someone died in front of me, someone else MIGHT have died in front me, AND I just realized I was hallucinating aNOTHER DEAD PERSON? The emotional whiplash is ugly and non-romantic. He’s like a weird footnote to a scene about two unrelated characters

There is no narrative or emotional processing of a MAJOR CHARACTER dying. He's reduced to fanservice and bad fanservice at that

At one point, Isabela refers to the Kirkwall crew as family. Did... no one tell her some of her family died? If they did... did they do that when Rook wasn't there? Why does Isabela never react? Why is Isabela fine being so minimally involved with the Solas thing if she knows Varric was MURDERED by Solas? HE WAS HER FAMILY!

I'm not even a like hardcore Varric fangirl. I thought DA was overplaying their hand by puttig him in a third game and he did best when he was Hawke's bestie. I wanted him to retire. I was even fine with the idea of him dying. But this was the worst way to do it. It's not what he deserved but also it's just fucking stupid.

[justafriend-ql]

times never let me go said: happy pride! 🏳️‍🌈 (part 3)

final installment by popular request 3 people and my will to procrastinate (see part 1 and part 2)

narrow hallways - our community's biggest and most underappreciated ally

2. nuengdiao ordering palm to be his friend right after insulting him this is the bitchy emo twink representation we deserve

3. palm's brain fully shutting down when nueng brings his fingers to his neck

4. (watching your father cut a man's finger off in your living room) yes, the horrors are indescribable, but you've got to serve

5. have you ever been cockblocked by a roti sai mai seller

6. the scene going a full 10 shades darker when nueng agrees to dance with ben we have entered the twilight zone

7. nueng looking palm up and down not once, not twice, but three times

8. photos taken seconds before disaster

9. nueng vowing to strike fear into the hearts of homophobes everywhere

10. mam's gaydar going off like crazy

11. alexa play 'you're sexy, i'm sexy' by eric nam

12. friendly reminder that at this point palm has seen nueng have several emotional breakdowns, willingly poison himself with alcohol, throw up off the side of a boat, and call palm his running dog like palm get upppp

13. you heard it here first folks #bebravebeyou

14. mam asking about how palm feels and him admitting that it felt good to kiss nueng I LOVE THIS SONG

15. thank you for your service pond

16. the face ben pulls when chopper says he's never been ben's type (he will ask chopper out in approx. 2 minutes)

17. mam accepting nueng as her son-in-law 🥺

18. "you can do it as much as you want" sir this is a public retail store have some decorum

19. palm's face when nueng takes off his shirt so he can join him in the tub LMAO in the midst of his grief there was suddenly powerful lust

20. spiderman pointing meme (gay cousin edition)

21. stream 'smile please' by the cast of my school president for clear skin

22. get fucking wrecked ben men aren't shit

23. kiss. his. little. cheekie!!

24. you are so stupid we are about to fuck in my office

25. who's going to tell him

26. chopper: "i think nueng will need a lot of energy for palm" ben's reaction to that information:

27. people died

28. historians will say they were very good friends

29. established gays coaching the baby gay <3

30. "you are two men dating each other. that's already hard enough. your love is impossible in this lifetime. you always have to hide your relationship. it's impossible for you to get married and start a family. you need to be reborn. things may be better at that time." and in palm and nueng's present lifetime it's the same DO YOU HEAR WHAT JOJO IS SAYING

🇹🇭 MARRIAGE EQUALITY NOW 🇹🇭

[silverpelt3600]

Halo 2x7 Spoilers!

What’s up y’all we’re back with another series of my irrelevant and incomprehensible thoughts on this weeks episode!

- OOH! “There’s a difference, you’re human!” “Am I? Are you?” Woah! Easy there tiger that hurt his feelings.

- also the jump to seeing him not bloody feels so jarring, and then immediately back to him being beat up lol.

- YO! Didn’t expect Cortana to pop up immediately.

- good grief the whole “you train them I choose what to do with them”, careful girly you’ll show your true colors to your partner in crime!

- KAI! All my homies love Kai, shout out Kai. And lmao John “I didn’t ask for your help” like DUDE be so fr right now you’re not doing so hot.

- wow the condors getting taken out so fast, the look on Ackerman’s face. Like, it totally just set in for him how deep in shit he is with this whole operation.

- Soren’s flashbacks mixed in between scenes of the new Spartans. Great show of how nothings changed for the spartan program. And jeez, he wants to go back? Some real Stockholm shit.

- WHAT THE HELL KAI! “I made a mistake. Maybe you don’t know that but that’s what humans do.” Can everyone just take a CHILL with bullying John?! Good grief it’s like everyone’s go to when they’re upset with him is saying he’s not human.

- live laugh love John going sicko mode fr

- Also woah! Surprise with the spike! Not surprised that the crazy lady is crazy though! And “those Spartans are my life’s work” “I’ve heard that before” LMAOO bad word choice when talking to the angry spartan with trauma.

- THE ARMOR YEAHHHHHH!!!! Aw Vannak’s armor nooo

- “he wasn’t scared, just didn’t understand.” What if I cried. What if I started sobbing.

- also John’s “I’m the proof” hell yeah you are buddy what a power move

- starmap moment was cool. Halsey as usual charging head first and the two science brains just not having the perspective needed.

- Kai’s “they’re mine”, I love her she cares so much about both of her teams.

- good grief Halsey drives me NUTS with how tunnel visioned she is.

- damn Makee, alright girly that was maybe a bit much but I get it.

- alright Soren’s situation just got a lot more complicated!

- THE SUIT! HES IN THE SUIT! He’s so cool I love him. Also “what it would mean to me” from Perez just breaks my heart. And her humanizing him! When literally this episode has had multiple of the opposite!

- oh FUCK YEAH John just walking through the building like a badass. All those people stopping and looking at him! He knows how awesome he is

- Holy shit the Halo!

- and that’s it?? Omg the writers are killing me.

Alright y’all I hope that was somewhat coherent. This show drives me nuts with the cliff hangers but John truly has skyrocketed to the top of my list of favorite characters. Also he’s attractive, so that helps too lmao. Anyways season finale next week will probably kill me! :)

[nutal]

Even better-

What if Emily is crushing on Lute, but supports her in getting with Adam.

But Adam is still deeply in love with Eve, because despite what happened between them. She still gave him their children and helped him survive for over nine hundred years together.

But eventually it works, Adam falls for Lute and they end up together.

But then Emily learns about the exterminations and is mad at both of them. But when Adam dies she feels really sad, but also guilty. Because like, her crush is single again.

So Emily and Lute eventually end up together. After Emily supports her through her grief and talks her out of all her built up hatred.

But wait, there’s more.

Adam came back as a sinner and eventually bit the bullet and started going to the Hazbin Hotel. Because he wanted to get back to see Lute again and slowly started making progress.

But upon learning that Lute and Emily are together he feels like he got betrayed all over again. That the woman he loves left him for a seraph (he doesn’t hate either, since they genuinely thought he was dead. Unlike Lucifer, Lilith, and Eve. But he also feels cheated, since it hasn’t even been a full year yet.)

So Adam starts a downward spiral, because like his reason for redemption is with someone else now. So what’s the point? So he sleeps around with several one-night stands that barely fill the empty feeling in his chest. And he starts acting like a jerk again (not the same superior feeling, but more like the slightest thing will piss him off.)

And eventually Charlie tells Lute and Emily. Who comes down to help Adam out. He rejects at first, but eventually they get him to listen. And start a throuple with each other after he starts getting better again. With Emily and Adam even falling in love with each other while falling harder for Lute as she does the same. :D

Thoughts?

THIS IS WILD HAHAHA OHMYGODH OK ILL BREAK THIS DOWN

I for sure see one-sided EmiLute (on Emily’s side) with her helping Lute out with Adam, but I also def see Adam still yearning for Eve after some time even if he’s really bitter after what happened. I think Adam loved Eve a lot, they had something special for sure, much more so than what Adam had with Lilith. Plus, like you said, it’s probably likely that Eve bore Adam’s children since she was literally created from his rib to reproduce with him which just intensifies this a lot. (Idk if them having actual kids is canon yet since hazbin isnt a show thats supposed to be ‘biblically accurate’ (OBVIOUSLY cuz it would be pretty weird if it was LMFAO) but still a really interesting thing to think about) and so that would probably itch at Adam from time to time despite how much he tries not to think about it.

But yes guitarspear def def works out in the end for sure like adam realizes hes in love with lute but hes so horrified of love at this point hes js like fuckkk mann

Okay now I gotta say though, while I can see Emily having a one-sided thing for Lute, I can’t envision Lute returning those feelings and I also definitely can’t see Adam and Emily either. Just my personal opinion, but that doesn’t compute in my brain LMAO

BUT i love the idea of sinner adam using the whole one night stand thing to fill that hole in his chest thats so fucking real because he WOULD

Overall this was a crazy ass read op! I love some of the ideas in here and you should def do something with all of this (if you want lol)

[leslutdepointedulac]

Since I'm still rolling around in my feels about it, I'd love to hear about He Lives On in My Mind!

Screaming!! I'm actually so happy you asked about this one, it's plaguing my mind too. I'd be more than happy to tell you! Where do I even start with this one lmao.

So it actually ended up being fairly darker and hornier than the original conversation with @aunteat the fic was based off, I'd say. I don't plan my fics before I write, I start off with a basic idea and then whatever comes to me as I'm writing, is what goes into it. I just go where my imagination takes me because I think in images which I translate to words.

Anyway, that's all to say that the spellbinding/the extent of it and the horny stuff was what I threw in there as I was writing it. The piss kink was what started the original convo so I knew I wanted to keep it in there. My only minor 'issue' I suppose, is that I couldn't get my brain to do anything more with the piss kink than what I did. But that's only because it's such a Nickistat coded thing to me and I really wanted to do more with it.

I set the fic when I did because I needed a time when Lestat was immensely lonely and isolated from everyone he knows, therefore pretty susceptible to his own darkness and grief. He never truly gets over Nicki and while he's grown around his grief for the most part, I thought there would be times when he starts to miss him all over again. There was no better worse time for that to happen than when everyone Lestat knows and cares about has drifted off and left him alone. In his loneliness, he would crave that companionship, one thing would lead to another and now he's stuck in his own head, dwelling on the past. His own mind would naturally take him to a time when he felt content and eventually he would find himself stuck in 1780's Paris.

I will say as well, I got part way through writing it and started to second guess whether I was doing Too Much, but then I figured that actually there's no such thing as far as I'm concerned, and Lestat is so clouded by his grief and stuck in his isolation, that his mind would resort to doing some pretty crazy things.

Lestat loved Nicki, even after their end, and I don't think that love would stop just because Nicki died, not even centuries later. Sure he moved on and made himself a new family (who he also adores more than anything) but his capacity for love is so deep and so strong, that he still had space in his heart and mind for his first love.

The ending of this fic meant that Lestat could finally have some closure over Nicki's death. It's as you said in your comment, he was never there with Nicki before he died and he never got to properly say goodbye after. So as sad as the ending of the fic is, I think it's also a good thing for Lestat, it gives him the chance to grieve again and heal. He never got to go through the difficulty of Nicki's death in person and fully face it but now maybe he'll find it easier to move on in doing it vicariously.

I really love this fic a lot, I think it's up there as one of my favourites that I've written so far. It's so unhinged, it's dark, it's incredibly miserable and it's got a splash of horny in there too for good measure. Idk, I'm just pretty proud of it, I don't know if it's everyone's vibe but it's found/will find it's people I hope.

I think that's everything I have to say about it? It should be, I've already said quite a lot lmao. Knowing me I'll probably think of something in a bit while I'm trying to go to sleep but hey.

[judasisgayriot]

it’s your fav anon heroes asker! absolutely agree with you on whatever the hell they did to nathan in s3. i have a theory that someone on the writing staff was just using him as a platform for their daddy issues. anyways, i heard your top tim kringe moments, let’s talk about the top tim king moments! :D

(if all that positivity is too much for your shriveled heart though, feel free to rant about spider!mohinder for a paragraph or two)

Ok ok ok Tim King moments let’s go…

This is like. Actually my favourite show why is this so much harder than ranting about what I hate about it lmaooo I have too much of a hater’s heart…

Well, we all know why I’m really here. Petrelli Family Drama. What can I say I just love a completely fucked up messy family full of secrets and toxic codependent relationships, especially if they’re like, fuckin rich Catholic superpowered mobsters?? The flavour. The layers. As an avowed Nathan Petrelli apologist, everything about that incredibly repressed man and his 92 layers of self loathing and moral confusion is catnip to me, lol. The best bits of s3 are the Arthur backstory and how he literally tried to murder Nathan in cold blood for attempting to stand up to him. And then mother of the year (read: terrible person and terrible mother but crazily enmeshed with Nathan anyway) Angela tried and nearly succeeded in murdering HIM in return!! She’s so metal!! Lmao these bitches are crazy! Tim King across the board!!

And ofc how that feeds into Nathan and Peter’s relationship, how they cling to each other in this insane way bc of growing up in all *gestures* THAT. the implications of that treehouse deleted scene mr Kring when I get you. We’re connected. You give me Nathan you give him back to me body and soul. Sicko meme me: YES!! YESS!!! this was made in a lab to consume my brain from age 12 until. Now. (I’m 30 in a week lmao. Oh my god.)

Goes without saying that s1 is also genuinely a great season of television like it’s well constructed and written and built up and ends in an insane emotionally devastating way. not many notes tbh. Six months ago is great flashback episodes my beloved flashforward episodes my beloathed.

But uhh surprisingly back to my mostly beloathed s3, let me shout out ‘into asylum’ as one of the best episodes in the entire show?? We rarely get Claire+Nathan relationship stuff but I fucking love everything they do with them in that episode. Also shout out to Claire for being a great character and a fucking badass girl I love you babygirl

(Tangential shout out to my actual real babygirl Peter my glowy self righteous emo little empath with the floppy hair my angel my everything mwah)

Oh and grief beard Nathan living in Peter’s apartment wearing his clothes crying over pictures of Peter in s2 ultimate Tim King moment.

Sorry this was so Petrelli tunnel vision but I’m afflicted by it 😔😔😔 sad.

Oh and yeah, spider lizard Mohinder is FUCKING STUPI-

[angelmichelangelo]

ohhhh raph gaining trauma from being helpless when mikey needed him most is just so heartbreaking. it lines up well with his trauma regarding splinter as well, being unable to accept the fact that there was nothing they could have done to save their father.

isn't it so neat that sainw leo says to raph verbatim "you know we couldn't [save splinter]" - as if in this timeline he has gone through similar ancient one therapy regarding what disasters he can/can't control despite the episode sainw happening before his ptsd arc? idk but i think it's so neat to imagine that he endured a different version of that arc in this timeline. he'd feel even more self-loathing and responsibility for his family when 2 out of 4 have vanished/died. damn.)

the idea of leo leaving first is so interesting because in some ways i think no, he would instinctively hold them closer, smother them even, until raph snaps and leaves first. but then you give the point that he thinks they could be better without him and... oof. depression does some really sad things to your brain, doesn't it? poor leo. the guilt and pts and depression would consume him even as he tells anyone who will listen that he did everything he could.

as for raph, i think he would just get so guilt-ridden and restless, feel like he was useless unless he was doing something more than whatever he's doing at that moment in time, and would maybe run away with the excuse that he needs to find don. because losing don was when things all went wrong, so by that logic - won't finding him fix him? (the twin dynamic between raph and don in 2003 has such a strong grip on me, the idea of raph being completely lost without him hurts my heart)

and mikey... poor mikey. you lose an arm and the grief your brothers feel over it is the tipping point that eventually leads to them abandoning you. my heart aches for him, no wonder he was so bitter by the events of the episode. all he wants are his brothers, and none of them are anywhere to be found.

OUAGH DUDE you’re like. looking right inside my brain on this it’s crazy!!! twin raph and don.. that’s. that’s so real they’ve always been my ultimate twins of all time ughh

yes to everything here ;__; leo SO wears so much responsibility on his shoulders.. it IS interesting to think about his whole ancient one training and how it comes into play here. i recently just watched those episodes and its like a breath of fresh air when he gets back from japan because he’s just. a little more himself again:(( and it’s like. OH. there’s leo:( but UGH thinking about that PLUS sainw timeline? double ouchie frfr..

and yeah raph absolutely would throw himself in harms way just for his brothers sake.. i think he would have made sure mikey was fully healed and able to take care of himself before he goes off looking for don.. :( he believes he’s better suited away from his remaining brother who grew up too fast to not want or need him anymore when really he couldn’t be further from the truth:(((

and of course they all suffer but mikey!!!! OHHH mikey:(((((( he suffers so greatly throughout. he looses so much and for what. AND FOR WHAT!!! imagine the guilt HE then feels! feeling as if his injury was the reason for the last of your family leaving you….. woof im in pain.

and to know it all ends with them dying anyway??? 2003 writers when i catch you…….

sainw truly is a nightmare universe. i love it lmao

[whiskeyswifty]

I regrettably don’t listen to Hits Different enough and I didn’t drag myself to target to buy the cd so only rarely do I find myself listening to it. which is such a shame bc it’s suuuuch a good fun bop of a drunk girl at a party sulking around in remorse but looking hot while doing it

anyway, I wanted to hear your big-brained thoughts on the track because I always love your take 🫠

i don't either! i wish it was on streaming so i can just listen wherever i want and on whatever device i'm on. and i CANNOT be bothered to go to target to by it lmao i'm not in the demo that will do that for her anymore, sorry miss swift. it is so fun though!! the best song on midnights by a mile. idk if i have any like bigger picture thoughts or super deep reads, but sure haha i'll share what i have. I did make a post recently about one line in it over here.

right off the bat i loved the instrumentation. it sounds just like a 2000s romcom/teen movie ending song or like theme song. which is a time i'm very nostalgic for as a 90s/2000s kid so it just warms my heart! and i think is a great contrast to offset the woe-is-me lyrics of the song that makes it instead more silly melodrama. as if to further get through to the audience that she really is just that one friend who's like hung up on her ex and in that stage of the breakup. it's not that serious just put her in a car and send her home. very like end of 500 days of summer type shit. to move on sometimes you have to grieve and let go in 10 different ways and it swings like a pendulum and you're kind of a wreck and impossible to be around. but eventually, time heals everything and you'll sort yourself out. (also 500 days of summer GREAT breakup movie, very honest, and unflinching in the same way the song is).

and i love the lyrics because i love songs that sound like they were written in real time (i know they're not, but they SOUND like it). rambling and meandering and stream of consciousness songs are sooo my bag. also some lyrics sound like drunk ramblings or, well, 2 am ramblings, which creates a great landscape for the song's timeline. just her struggling over days and weeks to move past this breakup. and it's a bit intentionally confusing and messy, just like how real relationships/breakups can be. at several points in the song she blames herself, then them, then herself again, then swings back into desperation, anger, frustration, just a rollercoaster of emotions that happens during this experience.

i do think my favorite part though is the end of the rambling bridge when she sings in a sudden surge of self confidence "Bet I could still melt your world. Argumentative, antithetical dream girl!" and it's said in a bit of a manic tone, coming in quick succession after a snowballing bridge that culminates in this burst of confidence and instrumental crescendo. and it seems like ok! she's maybe coming out of it like, i'm great! you probably want me so bad but you don't DESERVE me. but then the song quiets down, her voice falls away for a few seconds and when it comes back, it's wistfully soft again, desperately deluding herself into thinking that they changed their mind and came back. she's right back where she started, delirious to the point of willfully hallucinating and in that moment, also realizing she's gotten to the part of the grief where she's lost her mind a bit and hit kind of a rock bottom of desperation. and to play it off, she sets it up as a joke and it's just so sad and deflecting and human to do that as you swim through the emotional muck, even if she's just being melodramatic. even if she knows it shouldn't still hurt, "make it make some sense why the wound is still bleeding" it still does and it makes her feel crazy! but then the track picks right back up again with that jovial banger of a tune to keep the lightness and the almost cinematic thread of "life and love has it's ups and downs, but isn't that the common human experience that we can all laugh about?"

i think it's a fantastic song, in how it's construction is in conversation with it's lyricism. and what it's trying to accomplish is such a throwback, and in that showing how universal the experience of a messy breakup is and always has been and probably always will be. and how important it is to remember how it's not that serious, even if it feels like it in the moment. you're just in it, but it'll pass and it is important while you're in it to honor how it feels serious, even if you're self aware that it's not. you gotta feel the crushing grief in order to process it and claw your way out. in the mean time, your friends are just rolling their eyes at you like, girl we've been there. see you in a month when you got it out of your system and i'll stop by your house every few days to make sure you shower. and one day it'll make for fun fodder to put in a song so everyone can listen and laugh at the melodrama and say yeah, we've been there. it always happens but it also always passes.

[fleurriee]

okay but im really scared to dive into this one after how the last one ended… like i know she’s gonna be fine, but is it gonna hurt me?? obviously - it’s u, andra <33

…but he couldn’t bear the thought of bringing you any unnecessary distress… and he wanted to be a source of comfort for you, a shelter in the storm.

He couldn’t say no to you, he realises. He would always follow you, for the rest of time, and he was happy about it.

got me crying already. neteyam is so bby & your writing makes him so much better 😫

“Thank you, light of my life…”

LIGHT OF MY FUCKING LIFE ANDRA it’s only the second time ive heard this name and already im in love with it. i need to hear it more & i need to hear it now.

You didn’t know its way of transmission. Maybe you had nothing to worry about, maybe it’s not by blood.

yeah, but this is an andra story & these things happen. it’s definitely already in her system, im calling it now.

your science brain never ceases to amaze me, andra. ur so smart & the way you incorporate that into ur fics is kinda attractive?? ngl 🤭

…and you had to ask yourself if you were some serial killer in a past life to warrant all the pain and misery life seemed adamant to throw at you.

impossible. she’s too innocent. it’s just ewya being goofy & having fun, definitely pushing her closer to neteyam, i can feel it.

And there is was… positive. One second.

wow that’s actually really scary. like i know she’s gonna be okay bc im only chapter 6 lmao but still?? like my heart dropped reading that. u write so well andra <33

He gave you the quickest look known to man then quickly busied himself with literally anything else. “No reason, just focused on the task at hand.”

Neteyam shifted uncomfortably in front of you and looked… nervous, you realised. What the hell was going on with everyone?

hmm. my brain is working overtime. should i he worried? i never know with u andra 👀😅

You couldn’t believe the beauty and mild predisposition, the complex nature of these animals whose equivalents were long gone on Earth, long decimated by humans and their needless desire for wealth and acquisition, for mindless cruelty.

i get so sad when i think about how pandora literally could’ve been what earth was like. i’d do anything to go back to a time like that if so, bc it’s just so beautiful and so much simpler. how could we have gone from such ethereality to what we have now? humans man 🥺🙄

You felt a sudden gentle pressure on your lower back… he neared his mouth to your ears, and you felt his warm breath tickling your neck…

TENSION!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!

You wanted to kill him, you wanted him to kill you, slowly and painfully, taking his time on your body until you were falling apart at the seams around him.

um yes please. the way she’s so adamant to reassure herself that she hates him, even going as far to say she’d rather have him kill her?? only to then say in the same sentence she wants to have him all over her body??? she’s struggling but it’s okay bc she’s cute

He has never had a childhood the way Lo’ak, or Kiri, or Tuk, or pretty much any other Na’vi children did, mostly fleeting moments of bliss in between a lot more moments of stress and struggle.

🤧 neteyam deserved the FUCKING WORLD. HE WAS TOO YOUNG FFS

You felt an overwhelming sense of grief at the realisation that you will never get to see him become Olo’eyktan, see him become the man everybody knew he was.

YES U WILL BBY IM MANIFESTING IT!! if she’s not beside him when it happens as his mate, me and u are having words andra

…was making him think thoughts he knew he had no business thinking. In his wildest dreams, he’d be in your tent and making your eyes roll back in the way that drove him crazy… he’d be coaxing sounds out of you that only he would ever hear…

im salivating. i need them to just fuck now, even if it’s full of anger. it’s been long enough 😫

“Did you tell her?”

“No.” Neteyam’s expression darkened and in a split seconds he became the warrior his dad moulded him into. “And you will not, either, Lo’ak. Do you understand me?” Lo’ak had to look up to look at his brother who was now dangerously towering over him.

umm??? bro?? this is interesting??? what aren’t we admitting??? should i be nervous???? too many questions, im starting to panic???

He will also never be able to understand the depths of Neteyam’s love for him… who would be willing to sacrifice everything, even his own life, to make sure his baby brother would never have to experience these burdens.”

*deep sigh* no thank you. we’re not doing that. we’re gonna move swiftly away from that, vvvv quickly 🥲

Not at all because you were smiling at him with that dazzling smile that used to be reserved for him years ago, definitely not because he knew Lo’ak was sneaking into your tent at night and doing Ewya-knows-what…

oooo bby neteyam’s jealous. im a sucker for jealous neteyam so i am RELISHING in this rn.

“There are perks that come with being an Omatikaya, you know? …and you can chose a mate.”

is loak trying to pull?? cause ngl i’d swoon faster than i could moan his name woW THAT BOY

It was you, smiling, running your hand up and down Lo’ak’s arm whilst his hand was cupping your face and caressing your cheek.

With the image now seated into his memory and rage turning his breaths to pants, he turned around and left everything — everyone — behind.

😭😭 neteyam u beautiful jealous boy, just TELL HER U LOVE HER!!

i LOVED this andra!! you never fail - your writing is always so beautiful & this was no exception!!

& the little flashbacks u add in every now and again break my heart every single time. bc look how they used to be, and look at them now 🤧

&& what is everyone not telling her?? i feel so out of the loop and idk whether to be excited or nervous. im probably gonna go with the latter bc the way neteyam was ready to throw hands made it a little worrying… this is too much for my heart, andra, im too fragile.

also that whole section of the brothers not understanding one another was amazing, bc you really delved deep into the way they both think about one another. made me sad too bc they really did love one another, but the only way they really showed it was by sacrifices & now we’ll never get to see how that works BC NETEYAM WONT BE THERE

anyway sad feelings aside, ily andra & this was perfect & im so excited to see where you go with this. bc let’s be honest, lo’ak isn’t actually gonna try & steal her away from neteyam right? surely he knows his big bro wants her right???

lllicit Affairs | Chapter VI: Death by a Thousand Cuts

Pairing: Neteyam x Human/Avatar!Reader

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter VIII Chapter IX Chapter X

Synopsis: You and Neteyam both have a dark secret that would change everything between you - and neither of you are willing to share.

Warnings: angst, some fluff, Lo'ak x reader, jealous!Neteyam, both main characters thirsting for each other, mentions of lab work, disease, blood, cursing.

Word Count: 7,2k words

A/N: Chapter 6 is the chapter that sets EVERYTHING in motion for what's to come. There is a LOT to come, a lot of drama and angst, maybe some smut (? 😉) and this chapter is meant as a stepping stone to the beginning of the end. Also, realised I forgot to ever mention, that if the dialogue is ever italicised, that usually means the conversation is in Na'vi, I don't know how I have never made it clearer, but here we are.

Thank you so much for everyone who's been reading and asking to be tagged, I never expected this to gain any traction and I am so grateful for people enjoying it x

My heart, my hips, my body, my love

Trying to find a part of me that you didn't touch

Gave you too much but it wasn't enough

But I'll be all right, it's just a thousand cuts

One second. 

“Just one second, Neteyammm!”, you whined, as he was trying to remove the blanket from your currently very comfortable and very warm body. 

“It’s late, come on! Early bird catches the worm, isn’t that what you people say?”

“Nobody says that, I don’t know who told you this lie.” 

“It was you!!” he says, and he’s laughing at your whinging while trying to remove the blanket. He’s not trying that hard, considering he would make an easy job out of the task if he used a tenth of his actual force, but he couldn’t bear the thought of bringing you any unnecessary distress. You had enough of that in your life, and he wanted to be a source of comfort for you, a shelter in the storm. 

You scooted on one side of the bed close to the edge, and left a big gap which you brought to his attention by patting it aggressively. 

“Press the button on the audio player and lay with me, please? I don’t feel like going out today.”

He couldn’t say no to you, he realises. He would follow you anywhere in this world, do anything you asked of him, regardless how stupid or reckless or crazy it was. He would always follow you, for the rest of time, and he was happy about it. 

A song he liked came on, one that he’s heard you play before and there was no doubt in his mind that he liked it better when you sang it. He circled the bed and lay in it, next to you, in the dark. 

“Thank you, light of my life.” You attached yourself to him, arms sprawled across his bare chest and legs carelessly placed on top of abdomen and hips, and sighed contently. He could feel your warm breaths on his neck, leaving goosebumps in their wake. He turned his head to you and placed a small kiss on top of your head and listened to the soft tune filling up the room. 

“Oh, goddamn

My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand

Taking mine, but it's been promised to another

Oh, I can't

Stop you putting roots in my dreamland

My house of stone, your ivy grows

And now I'm covered in you”

“You’re annoying.”

“I know I am, but you love me anyway.”

I do, Neteyam thought. I really do…

Things happen in life sometimes, and it makes you lose your ability to react. There was no reaction, definitely no overreaction. You stared at the vial of blood that shattered all across the floor, all across you and your mind was blank. Almost robotically, you made your way to one of the benches and got some paper rolls and the IMS laying next to it. You carefully cleaned all of it, and spit whatever made its way to your mouth to the floor to be removed. When you were sure everything was gone, you went to the sink and removed your goggles and gloves, and scrubbed yourself clean. You felt yourself moving, picking up a bucket of water with some floor cleaner, felt yourself adding disinfectant to it and moping thoroughly, but it was like an out-of-body experience. Like you were merely a puppet executing orders from above. Cleaning everything took about an hour, after which you made your way back to your room slowly, deliberately. 

You didn’t sleep. You spent the whole night looking over everything you and the rest of the scientists have ever found out about this virus. You didn’t know its way of transmission. Maybe you had nothing to worry about, maybe it’s not by blood. You knew it’s not by air, you’ve seen plenty of people infected whose family was fine. So even if you do get infected, the people at the lab should be fine. Your friends would be fine. He would be fine. 

Next, incubation period. That’s a tough one, in-vitro studies show it takes the virus anywhere from 2 to 12 months to show symptoms. You don’t know how that changes in humans. You don’t know any of this shit for humans. You could be perfectly fine, you could die within the month. The thought made your blood run cold. 

You sat in your chair for the remainder of the night. Unmoving, unthinking. 

That’s how Norm found you.

“Hey, Ace. What are you doing up?”

You scrambled for a lie.

“Just woke up, actually. Listen, if you are going to check on the boy, can you please bring my supplies to the tent and tell the Sullys I won’t be in today? I was too exhausted to run any experiments yesterday so I will do it today.” 

“Oh… is everything alright? You haven’t missed a day in the village since you got your Avatar.”

“Yeah, everything’s fine, just worried about the boy and want to get to the bottom of this sooner rather than later, if possible.”

“Alright, I can bring you back some of his blood to run as well?”

“NO!” 

Norm’s eyes widened in shock at your response and you knew you fucked up, you knew you slipped up. Calm yourself… 

“It’s just not necessary at the moment since I have other blood and I don’t want to overwhelm him, if it’s not imperative. I will retrieve some blood when I check on him tomorrow.”

Norm looked at you with a concerned look, but eventually relented.

“Ok, whatever you think, Ace.” 

“Thanks, Norm.” 

“Let me know what you find tonight. I’ll tell Jake, but they might not be happy with you.”

“You can explain it’s an emergency, I’m sure they’ll understand.”

 

You struggled to get up and get your legs to not want to collapse beneath you. Eventually, you made your way to the sink and washed, you scrubbed your face as hard as you could without removing a layer of skin, and your teeth until you felt the familiar taste of metal coat your teeth. You hoped that maybe you tried hard enough, the last 6 hours can just be erased from your life, from world. You hoped it could undo the damage that would plague you for the rest of your most likely very short life. 

Luckily, most scientists seemed to be out. Claire was teaching Na’vi kids English at Grace’s old school that Jake deemed fit to be reopened, Max left with Norm to check on the situation of the village, and most of the Avatars would be out on missions or training with Jake. You made your way to the quiet halls to one of the labs, and prepared for your long day ahead. This will be hard to do by yourself, but not impossible. 

First step, respiratory fluids. You remove a sterile cotton swab and swab your pharynx as thoroughly as possible and place it in a tube. That’s easy enough. Next comes the blood. Finding a vein has always been hard for people to do on you, and it’s not gotten any easier in time, so after poking yourself a few times in the wrong place, you manage to get enough blood to run experiments on. 

Hours of sample preparation, incubation, pipetting and running went by at an excruciatingly slow pace, like the universe was revelling in making every second of torture last forever. You thanked your lucky stars of the progress made in lab equipment and that you didn’t have to spent days on one PCR, like your mum was saying it had to be done back on Earth about a century ago. Regardless, it took most of the day for you to do everything you needed, check for all the proteins and markers you knew were deregulated with this virus, and by the early hours of night, you were done. 

Aș people were starting to return to the hub as another day was nearing its end, you retreated back to your bedroom to work on the data analysis. You did not want to see anyone, did not want to speak to anyone until you knew at least some things. The less you talked, the less lies that had to come out of your mouth, and that seemed ideal to you. 

Inputting the data and having to wait on some software to give you your literal death sentence felt so tragic is was almost comical, and you had to stop and ask yourself if you were some serial killer in a past life to warrant all the pain and misery life seemed adamant to throw at you. For the first time in so long you couldn’t even remember, things were going… well. You were strong, and doing well, and lived outside of the walls of this lab. You had a chance at something more, you had a chance at maybe one day healing and working through your issues and maybe even coming out the other side a better, healthier version of yourself. You had a chance at love.

And there it was… positive. One second.

THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF  STAGE I: DENIAL

Your blood became poison in the span of half a day, but at least you now knew it wasn’t transmitted through air. That means no one else would have to suffer because of you. The thought made you weirdly calm, and you realised you didn’t care about your own health all along. No, you weren’t sad anymore, just relieved. A wide smile appeared on your face at the results, and you jumped out of the chair with enthusiasm at the great news. Everybody would be ok. Norm, Max, they would all be ok. You will handle all the virus experiments and blood samples from now on. They wouldn’t have reason to doubt you or question you, not when it made most sense anyway, since you were always in the village and knew the protocols and techniques the best, anyway. You would go on the same way as you had, and no one had to know or suffer because of your mistakes. 

With those thoughts still floating in your mind and a Xanax on your tongue, you made your way to the comfortable bed and crashed without a dream in sight. 

You were up before dawn again, and ready to get started on your day at the village. You were looking forward to gun training with Jake, and finally putting those years of practice to good use. You found Norm deep in thought in the link room, and he didn’t register you walking in until you patted his shoulder and he jumped out of his skin.

 

“Jesus, Ace. You scared the shit out of me.” 

“I noticed. Why so jumpy, Norm?” 

He gave you the quickest look known to man then quickly busied himself with literally anything else. “No reason, just focused on the task at hand.”

“…turning on the linkpod?” 

“No one likes a smartass, you know?” 

“So how was the village yesterday? How is the boy?” 

“He’s alright, still not great, but his vitals are stable for now.” You noticed he did not answer your question about the village, and found slight panic rising in your chest.

“Is everything okay? Did something happen in the village?” 

“No, Ace, everything’s fine. You don’t have to worry about everything, you know. How did the experiments go yesterday?” 

“The virus is not airborne, it seems to be transmitted by blood, so we need to be very careful handling samples.” 

“We always are. But good work, good to have some concrete evidence finally. I’ll look over your analysis soon.”

“You know, I’m not quite done with it, so maybe wait and we can look over it together?”

“Sure, that makes sense.”

You didn’t buy Norm’s pathetic attempts at deflecting the subject of the village, but you did not want to fight him so early in the day, so you guess you had to find out what happened for yourself. You woke up in your Avatar body soon enough, and could already tell the village was already awake and buzzing with the perspective of a new day. The guitar sitting on the ground next to your sleeping mat caught your eye, and you smiled softly at the memory which now seems a life away. Your fingers lingered on the chords and you strummed it gently a few times, enjoying the sounds that seemed to settle in your heart. Adjusting your braids in the small mirror you brought with you a few weeks ago, you made your way out of your tent and straight into Neteyam’s chest with a loud thud. 

“What the fuck?” You say, indignantly and then look up to find Neteyam watching you with an unreadable expression adorning his beautiful face. 

“Hi.” He says, and tries to muster a small smile. 

“Hi…? Is there any particular reason you have decided to attack me first thing in the morning?” 

“I was just coming to get you, I heard the guitar playing. I didn’t think you would be running straight into me. Are you ready? We can spend the morning tracking a herd of Talioang that the hunter party spotted a few clicks south of the village. It will be good practice for you.” 

“…alright? Can I get some food first? I’m famished.”

Neteyam shifted uncomfortably in front of you and looked… nervous, you realised. What the hell was going on with everyone?

“I have food that Ma packed for us, we can eat in the forest? I’d really rather get a move on as soon as possible, this will most likely take most of today, anyway.”

“Is there a particular reason you seem so eager for me to leave? You and Norm have both been acting weird today, and you are both terrible liars.”

Neteyam gave you a hard look. “Let’s go, Y/N. Unlike what you like to think, you don’t need to know everything, and not everything concerns you. Let’s go, now.” Nothing’s changed, you realised bitterly. Last night was just a fluke and you hated yourself in that moment for letting your guard down. 

“You can be a real dick sometimes, Neteyam.” You said and took off without looking at him. 

You ran for about 5 clicks without checking behind you, knowing full well he was following you, your hearing being one of the many senses that heightened in this body. You stopped suddenly at the sight of a huge footprint, one you could identify as the Sturmbeest, or a Talioang, like it was known to the Na’vi. Soon enough, you saw the ground littered with them, and began carefully tracking the beasts.

“Alright. How far would you say they are and which direction?” Neteyam asked, approaching you slowly. He was back to teaching mode, and you tried your best to learn, instead of recoiling and telling him to go to hell, which is what you really wanted to do. 

You touched the ground and felt it with your fingers, trying to assess the moisture level and deepness of the mark. You thought about for a while.

“I’d say they’re quite fresh. Maybe this morning? Taloioang move slowly, about 1 click every hour or two, so I’d say we’ll find them about 2 clicks east?”

He didn’t even have to touch the ground to be able to assess it. He was impressive. 

“Good. Let’s go. We shouldn’t run, they have good hearing and the wind is blowing east, which means they’ll be able to smell us if we’re not careful. We will take a roundabout way and approach them from the south.” 

You both made your way through the forest and it was your turn to follow him, although you stayed close behind and tried to look around you and pick up on clues, tiny sounds and movements, trying to learn, trying to see. “Eyes on the tracks, Y/N.” 

You rolled your eyes, but did as you were told. Eventually, Neteyam let you deem the appropriate time to stray from the tracks and move south to avoid being spotted. Soon enough, you saw the herd of prodigious beings, bathing in a shallow lake. You made your way slowly, sneaking on the ground, with Neteyam close to you, and you felt his arms grazing your sides every inch of the way. 

The herd was protecting the calves, 5 in total, playing and splashing in the clear water. You watched in amazement, just enjoying the view of these seemingly ferocious beasts that in the moment, felt more like a family watching their children play at the local pool. You couldn’t believe the beauty and mild predisposition, the complex nature of these animals whose equivalents were long gone on Earth, long decimated by humans and their needless desire for wealth and acquisition, for mindless cruelty. You felt your stomach drop at the realisation that soon, this could be Pandora, if you didn’t fight will all your being in the upcoming war. 

You felt a sudden gentle pressure on your lower back, a pressure you quickly identified as Neteyam’s hand and you shuddered at the touch. He neared his mouth to your ears, and you felt his warm breath tickling your neck, a sudden warmth pooling in your lower abdomen. 

“You’re not allowed to kill anything yet, but I want you to show me how you would go about it. Show me your bow work, how would you aim from this position.”

You slowly removed your bow from from your person and sat up, in a now crouched stance, and loaded the arrow, doing your best to accommodate for the uncomfortable position you were in and the tight space you were sharing with another person. You held your breath, engaged your core, and aimed as if you were going to release your arrow on the target about 300m away. Neteyam’s large hand touched your upper thigh, by your left hip and squeezed gently. Your arm dropped suddenly and snapped your head in his direction. He didn’t react to your sudden snap, instead talking lowly, so as to not give your location away. “Your leg is not in a position by which you can maximise release. You will have more power in the shot if you place this knee on the ground and lean into it.” 

You wanted to take that hand and either break it or redirect it on other parts of your body that felt like they would explode if they didn’t feel him, have his touch provide the relief that was desperately yearned for, needed. You wanted to scream at him or make him coax the screams out of you like a war-cry, wild and desperate. You wanted to kill him, you wanted him to kill you, slowly and painfully, taking his time on your body until you were falling apart at the seams around him. You hated him, you loved him. You hated him.

You gave him a hard look, an angry look directed at your thigh, and he removed his hand from you. You wondered if he knew, knew what he was doing, wondered if he felt the same way, if he too was struggling to catch his breath at the torture of knowing he can’t have you, claim you, right now, right in this second, right here. You hoped he did, hope it ate him alive, the yearning and the desire. Because that’s what it was doing to you, what he was doing to you. You turned your attention back to the herd and adjusted your position based on his advice. He was right, you could tell right away, as you felt a lot more power when aiming the arrow this time. 

“Much better. We can go now, we will give the location to the hunting party and the will be able to secure us dinner for a couple of weeks from the back of a couple of Ikrans.”

 

You made your way out of their surroundings, and slowly started walking back to the village. After about half an hour, he stopped on a rock and removed the food he was carrying in a pouch. You didn’t join him, preferring to keep your distance and thus a clear mind, not being able to afford being weak around him anymore. 

“I thought you were famished.” He says, with a slight smile. You shook your head and turned around, taking in the views of the forest, distracting yourself with the flowers reaching out their neon green tendrils towards you. You kneeled next to one, and touched them gently, enjoying the way they cupped around your hand and tugged, like they were urging you to come closer so they can spill their long-forgotten dreams to you. You heard him sigh loudly.

“Sorry for being a dick. Just had a fight with mum and dad, and I took it out on you. I shouldn’t have, and I am sorry. Come eat, please? I don’t want you passing out on me, you’re not as easy to carry as you used to be when you were human.” 

You remained on your knees still, focused on only the plants and your gentle tug-of-war. You knew how much pressure Neteyam was under, has been for pretty much his entire life. A prodigy created… or made, no one could really know for sure, he began training when most babies learn to walk, and speak, and play. He has never had a childhood the way Lo’ak, or Kiri, or Tuk, or pretty much any other Na’vi children did, mostly fleeting moments of bliss in between a lot more moments of stress and struggle. He never complained, though. Not out loud, not to anyone else but you, once he realised you were a safe haven from the storm. You didn’t pass judgement, or make him feel bad for sharing his feelings, and he felt like he could tell you all the hardest truths his heart has always craved to speak out loud. You have always wanted to protect him from the world, a world that demanded so much of him, that asked for a sacrifice of which it was undeserving. Being Olo’yektan, leading the people, being the one person everyone relied on was a great honour, a great achievement - one you didn’t think he wanted, but was never given the chance to decline. 

“What happened?” 

You walked slowly towards the rock he was laying on, and sat at its foot, crossing your legs on the slightly damp grass. You grabbed a piece of jerky from the pile of food and slowly chewed through it, humming in appreciation at the smoky taste and rich flavour of the meat. 

Neteyam grimaced and didn’t look at you, choosing to focus instead of his arm guards, picking at something that was clearly not there. “More sacrifices I need to make in the name of the future, of the people.” 

“I see you still haven’t learnt to say no, even after all this time apart.” 

Neteyam’s hand froze in midair, his eyes widening slightly - it was the first time you brought up the year apart. He braced himself for what he thought was the beginning of the end, of you finally demanding answers he didn’t think would ever satisfy you, but no other words left your lips.  

“I can’t say no. I owe my parents everything I have, everything I am. This village, this life, is all I know. My dad gave up on everything he knew to stand up for our people, to make sure we’d get a future worth living, a family worth saving, a world still worth fighting for. He became Olo’yektan despite all that stood against him because he loved my mum, loved us, even then, even before we were born. My grandpa died defending this village, watching home tree get decimated in front of his eyes, with only the people’s safety on his mind and tongue. I see that bow that my mum cherishes like a gift from Eywa herself and I want to be worthy of it, someday. And if it means giving up some things, maybe that’s just how it’s meant to be.” 

“Maybe whatever you’re giving up is making room for something ever better, Neteyam. Sometimes we want something so bad, we can’t see the forest for the trees.” 

He looks at you confused for a second.

“That’s a saying. What I’m trying to say is maybe you are over focused on something you want right now, that you think is the best thing for you, but maybe you just are not focusing on the bigger picture. Maybe in the future, whatever you’re giving up now will make room for something that was much better for you all along.”

Disappointment filled his chest at your words. Neteyam looked at you with deep sadness marking his features, and he could see you were trying to think of things to say that could make him feel better. In all honesty, he wanted - needed - you to tell him to be selfish, and trust his gut, and follow what he knew was right in his heart, but he also knew that being selfish is not a trait that came naturally to you. You have always respected the deep bond Neteyam had to his family and his people and you always used to tell him how proud of him you were for how strong he was, for the lengths he was willing to go to to protect and nurture those bonds. 

You felt an overwhelming sense of grief at the realisation that you will never get to see him become Olo’yektan, see him become the man everybody knew he was. He would never be yours, and although that painful conclusion had settled in your soul and had time to scar in all the time you knew him, a new wound, deeper, bloodier, deadlier, tore your heart apart at the thought you would not even be able to watch from afar. You would have been satisfied with scraps, just watching him rule, and be, and love someone else and imagining it was you. You never thought you’d get more than that anyway, never had any delusions for more. The scraps would have been enough, and now even those were brutally taken from you, like everything else in this life. 

You needed to leave, now. 

“Should we head back? It’s getting late.”

You walked back in deep, uncomfortable silence. Eclipse made the nature shine and glimmer with colours your sadness dulled to muted tones. There was light coming from the village and you realise how badly you wanted to be alone, in your tent and read, or watch a movie or a show, and ignore this world for a little while while you licked your newly-opened wounds. Tonight was a communal dinner around the big bonfire in the centre of the village, and you felt grateful your presence would not be missed in such a crowd. You’ve come to love these dinners, another one of the many ways the tribe connected to the village and to each other, but tonight you couldn’t entertain even the thought long enough to count.

“Can you please tell your family I am sorry, but I will probably head to bed early. I’ll be early for breakfast tomorrow, I promise.” 

“I can do that. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

You nodded absentmindedly and closed the flap of the tent shut.

Neteyam watched as you left him, still reeling from your conversation. Much like you, he just wished to hide in his family’s tent and pretend for a night things are different, that they are better. Actually, if we are talking about wishes, he wishes he could be in your tent. In all honestly, dealing with you on a day to day basis, seeing you, your body, touching it more and longer than he knew he reasonably had to, was making him think thoughts he knew he had no business thinking. In his wildest dreams, he’d be in your tent and making your eyes roll back in the way that drove him crazy. In his wildest dreams, he’d be coaxing sounds out of you that only he would ever hear. In his wildest dreams, your hands all over him would heal him and break him at the same time. He was desperately in need of some relief, and he loathed all decisions in his life that lead to you not being able to be the one to provide it for him. 

He made his way to the bonfire, and greeted all of the Na’vi that respectfully bowed their heads at his arrival. He saw his family at the centre of the crowd, where they normally sat, and joined them silently. They all gave him uneasy looks - all but one. Lo’ak was blatantly glaring at the older Sully, a look of disappointment and disgust marring his normally kind face that reminded Neteyam so much of their dad. 

“Did you tell her?” 

Kiri elbowed Lo’ak in the abdomen, but he didn’t flinch. He did not even bother to acknowledge Kiri, or the low hiss escaping their mum’s lips - his eyes were still boring into Neteyam, unwavering. 

“No.” Neteyam’s expression darkened and in a split second, he became the warrior his dad moulded him into. “And you will not, either, Lo’ak. Do you understand me?” Lo’ak had to look up to look at his brother who was now dangerously towering over him. 

“Oh, the mighty warrior giving out orders, what else is new?” 

“Lo’ak, that’s enough.” Neteyam heard Jake intervene, and he eventually had to physically put his body in between his two sons, who still refused to look away from each other.

“Fnawe’tu (coward).”

 

Neteyam watched his brother turn his back on his family and walk away from the feast, and although he wouldn’t admit it to himself, he knew deep down that Lo’ak was right.

 

You were almost robotically flipping through the directory of movies and tv shows on the laptop that you had with you in the village, not quite ready to go back to the lab and have to deal with the consequences of your newly acquired “condition”. You had all night to do experiments, and lie to yourself that you were fine until you eventually succumbed to a Xanax-induced blackout. You wanted to be in this body just a little while longer, because, in this body, it was easy to forget the realities of your actual life.

You saw a five-fingered hand emerge from the entrance to your tent, and you laughed incredulously at the clown you loved, who seemed to have a knack for improving your dour mood.

“I am here to bother you.” You got up and started making your way towards the entrance of your tent.

“Shouldn’t you be at dinner?” You say, laughing and pulling Lo’ak by the hand, so he stumbles unattractively into you. 

You wrap your arms around him and hug him gently. “Skxawng.” 

“I should, but I am here instead. We haven’t had movie night in so long.” He lay on your sleep mat and you hissed for him to move over. “You’re getting way too comfortable hissing at people.”

“Not people, Lo’ak, you!” You smiled saying that, knowing you were quoting Kiri, and he groaned exasperatedly. 

A few more weeks passed, and you felt the discrepancy between your bodies become more pronounced than it had ever been. It turns out, the incubation period of a Na’vi virus in a human is not long at all, and roughly around last week, you began displaying symptoms. You were taking every drug under the sun to try to soften them, but you had seen one too many good Na’vi people die due to this to know what was lurking underneath the comfortable cushion of drug-induced health. Despite all that, you felt on top of the world in your avatar. You were continuously improving, and, with a little bit of luck, will be completing your first kill soon - the first stepping stone to becoming Taronyu, hunter. If you do that successfully, you will be taking your Iknimaya with other Na’vi apprentices, and finally get your own Ikran. You were buzzing at the thought, and the image of you flying in the sky was enough to push any other worries out of your mind. 

After that weird day that ended with Lo’ak in your tent watching Friends together and teaching him the chords to a song you both loved, things went back to normal, sort of. You couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling that the Sullys were hiding something from you. They exchanged looks, and avoided certain subjects, and you were starting to be worried they guessed you were ill, and were tiptoeing around the subject so as to not upset you. That was a good theory, although it could not explain the heavy tension between Neteyam and Lo’ak that also started that night. 

You saw them bicker and fight your whole life: two opposing personalities, both of whom had misunderstandings about the other. Neteyam could never understand Lo’ak, understand that, despite being the chieftain’s son and the grandson of the Tsahik and former Olo’yektan, people still looked at him like he was not quite full Na’vi. His eyebrows and five fingers made his appearance uncanny enough to always attract whispers and looks, and despite Lo’ak’s apparent devil-may-care attitude, he cared. Neteyam could also not understand anyone who wished to live freely and discover themselves, make decisions and choices that would lead to a happy, fulfilled life, rather than a proud and accomplished one. Finally, Neteyam did not understand that skill and tenacity doesn’t come easy to everybody, and the weight of living in his shadow was bearing heavily on his baby brother’s back. 

On the other hand, Lo’ak never tried to understand the burden Neteyam had to carry, because, in his desire to not appear weak, he took it in strides and never complained. Lo’ak never fully understood the downfalls of what being “the perfect son” brings: no freedom, no childhood, no time, no fun, no choice. He only ever focused on the positives: praise from his family and clan, skill and composure, the title of future Leader of the Omatikaya. He will also never be able to understand the depths of Neteyam’s love for him, who, despite all their differences, would be willing to sacrifice everything, even his own life, to make sure his baby brother would never having to experience these burdens.

This tension felt like more. More than you’ve ever seen, not mended in time, they were always glowering at each other and only speaking to each other if prompted or forced by their increasingly frustrated family. You tried to talk to both of them individually and ask, but you were promptly sent on your way each time. You could tell Lo’ak was itching to spit it out, but every time he got close, he flashed you a look of hurt and fear, and moved on. 

Eventually, you stopped worrying about it. It will come out in time, and you had better things to worry about. Your training became brutal after that day tracking Sturmbeests. Neteyam would come to your tent before dawn, sometimes having to wait for you while you woke up in your Avatar body, and you were always gone past eclipse. You were tracking, joining hunting parties to learn, working on shooting arrows while on Pa’li or in nearly impossible positions (he made you shoot targets hanging upside down from the branches of trees, seriously) and working on guns and practicing with Jake and his soldiers. Jake made you his second-in-command during these sessions, and you enjoyed having the roles reversed and having to watch Neteyam squirm every time you touched his arm, or waist, or thighs, in order to adjust his shooting form. You also taught Lo’ak, sometimes late in the nights, where he would sneak into your tent and ask you questions about guns that he hoped would bring him in his father’s good graces for once in his life. You loved teaching them, and you felt powerful with all the eyes on you, trying to absorb every piece of information coming out of your mouth. 

“In your hands, you are holding a sub machine-gun.” You said and you made your way through the 10 soldiers in your midst. “It can fire up 600 rounds per minute. You have a button on the side of the weapon, as you can see right there”, you stopped and show everyone on your own weapon, “that allows you to choose between semi automatic and fully automatic. What’s the difference, Lo’ak?”

“A semi-automatic guns fires one shot when you pull the trigger, a fully automatic gun fires continuously until you release the trigger.” 

“Tsantu (good guy)!” you said with an intimate smile. Lo’ak was making amazing progress, and you were proud to be even a small reason why. 

Neteyam gave Lo’ak a hard look as he answered your question. He was angry with his brother because of his recent attitude, he thought. That’s the reason. Not at all because you were smiling at him with that dazzling smile that used to be reserved for him years ago, definitely not because he knew Lo’ak was sneaking in your tent at night and doing Eywa-knows-what, a fact which kept Neteyam up nights with images he would do everything in his power to be able to erase from his brain. Neteyam was exhausted. He hasn’t slept since this thing started, not until Lo’ak returned to his tent after his meetings with you, and he was able to look at him in the dim light of the night and gauge for himself if his brother was flushed, or panting, or extra happy for one reason or another. Despite never seeing anything that he could deem suspicious, the images of his baby brother taking for himself what was his, what should be his, haunted him and made him sick to his stomach. 

Coward. Lo’ak words rang in his ears incessantly throughout each day, never being able to fully block them out. 

Neteyam saw you move from Lo’ak and towards him, and tried to remember what they were talking about. Sub-machine guns, right. 

“Now, SMGs are best used in tighter quarters or close to mid-range. The spread will make it inefficient for long-range. If you find yourself on the back of your Ikran shooting at a plane or Valkyrie, make sure you close the gap between you or use your bow, instead.”

“An SMG will have a lot of recoil, making it harder to shoot accurately, but there are a few tips you can use to make to improve your aim and accuracy.”

“First. Always fire in short bursts, if you are firing on automatic mode. A few shots at a time will make sure the kick is not unmanageable. Two, account for the kick and adjust your aim to compensate. Think of shooting an arrow and how you always take the wind, its direction, speed and power in consideration before you actually release. It’s a similar principle. The recoil will make the gun kick upwards, so always aim slightly lower than what you want to hit. Three, don’t aim for the head. Leave that for a bow or an assault/sniper rifle with a scope. Aim for the abdomen and chest, since that is a wider target and more likely to hit. Everyone on the same page?”

Neteyam was forever in awe of you, but it was particularly impressive watching you now. You were confident and powerful and knowledgeable. Neteyam felt bad admitting it, but you were a much better teacher than their dad ever was. Toruk Makto had many incredible qualities, but his patience was definitely not amongst them, and his lessons tend to get a bit derailed by his inability to understand that Na’vi are not predisposed to guns or understanding Sky People technology. You were calm, and kind, and funny, and you made it easy for everyone to follow your instructions. In the span on a few weeks, all of the Na’vi and Avatar soldiers training for the upcoming war became better at pretty much every aspect that they were training in, and I think everyone felt just a bit more comfortable about the conflict that was soon to befall them, with you by their side. 

After the lesson was complete, you left alongside Lo’ak, sparing one last look in Neteyam’s direction. He was already watching you, and you saw a fleeting angry look that was quickly replaced with an expressionless mask. He was getting good at that, you thought. 

“Do you want to do anything? If I have to listen to Kiri talk about all the new types of flowers and plants and shit she keeps finding in the woods, I will lose my mind.”

“Be nice.” 

Kiri has been particularly hyperfixated on her newfound discoveries recently, and you tried your best to pay attention to every time she was describing them, in detail, but in reality you were always so exhausted by the time dinner came around that you were only assimilating about a tenth of all the words coming out of her mouth. You felt bad, and made a mental note to dedicate a couple of days to your friend that you saw less and less each week. 

“Your Iknimaya is getting closer and closer each day, how do you feel?”

“Honestly I haven’t thought about it that much, just taking it one day at a time.”

“I think you should start thinking about it, cause it’s going to happen. You’ve managed to blow everyone’s expectations out of the water. It barely been two months since you got your avatar body, not even my dad did this so fast. You were made for this, Angel.” 

You didn’t know what to say to that. You were grateful for Lo’ak’s faith in you, but with everything happening in your human body, it felt pointless looking towards the future. 

“You will be one of us, soon. I’ve had dreams about this my whole life, you know? It’s like I manifested your Avatar, Norm should be thanking me.” 

“Lo’ak…” 

You didn’t like the turn this conversation took, and felt an uncomfortable twinge settle in your chest at his words. 

“There are perks that come with being an Omatikaya, you know? You can make your bow out of the wood of the Home Tree… and you can choose a mate.” 

Fuck. 

Neteyam was making his way back to the village with the rest of the soldiers, casually chatting to one of the Avatars returning with them. He wasn’t paying attention to the way until his body knocked into one of the Na’vi walking in front of him. Utsou was staring intently at a scene unfolding in front of him, a scene that turned Neteyam’s blood to shards of glass, leaving cuts and bruises along his entire body. It was you, smiling, running your hand up and down Lo’ak’s arm whilst his hand was cupping your face and caressing your cheek. It was such an intimate interaction, it felt wrong to everyone there to even be able to witness it, and Neteyam felt himself becoming nauseous. With the image now seared into his memory and rage turning his breaths to pants, he turned around and left everything - everyone - behind. 

Tag list: @nuhteyam @eywas-heir @fanboyluvr @mashiromochi @puffb4ll @sassy-persona @simp4ff @mommyneytiri @hayhay9091

[vaguely-concerned]

my controversial lupin iii opinion is that the end of part 5 rules actually (even tho the very last episode is kind of a mess and obscures some the cool shit going on beneath the surface in its haste to wrap everything up)

okay. so hear me out but I think it’s a mistake to read the end of part 5 as a traditional narrative that actually takes place at some point in the (already convoluted lol) lupin iii continuity. in my estimation it’s not, it’s more like... metanarrative of the whole show/franchise. a series of metaphors. a story about the story of lupin iii. no, lupin hasn’t actually been wearing a mask the whole time we’ve seen him in canon and he’s just some random dude we don’t know under there -- except on a metaphorical, emotional level. that is kind of the point of him as a character; the tension between how much we get to glimpse of his honest internal life and how much is withheld from us (making us want to share in it all the more) is part of the enduring appeal.

and letting fujiko finally see behind that mask in one stroke resolves the doubts and struggles in their relationship that’s been running through the whole season, doubts that the ‘traditional’ forms of affirming/validating love and intimacy in a heteropatriarchy -- marriage, cohabitation, all the things they’re grieving didn’t work out for them the whole season, ‘what’s wrong with us’ -- never could resolve. y’know it’s like that quote from the seven husbands of evelyn hugo:

People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them bare and their response is 'you're safe with me'- that's intimacy.  

that’s the metaphor there. if you interpret it literally then yes, that whole scene is very very blind shock value stupid lol, but for those last few episodes of part 5 the fourth wall is so thin you can read the braille writing on the wall through it. (fujiko is sitting in a cage wearing a wedding dress. I don’t think the symbolism is particularly subtle lmao.) lupin finally letting himself be seen by her fully, and her understanding and accepting it, is more important than anything society has told them proves the ‘realness’ of a relationship, and it’s what helps them get through the grief of what they thought they ‘should’ be to each other to the realization of what they already are to each other and that they are enough, they have nothing they need to prove to anyone -- to themselves, or to the world. they do love each other. that’s what matters. and so it goes, that’s the sort of storytelling they’re doing in that last arc. which admittedly is confusing because it’s not what they’ve been doing in the rest of the season at all so if you haven’t been picking up on the nebulous narrative ~*vibes*~ signposting it, you’d understandably be extremely confused. 

(btw one of my favourite scenes of all of lupin iii canon is in the penultimate part 5 episode, where lupin and jigen are sharing smokes (in the aftermath of jigen’s perhaps sexiest scene ever), and lupin essentially lets jigen in on the secret that they’re fictional characters. and after thinking for a few moments jigen is like ‘I get to be a story with you? AND I get my own cool theme tune? heh. yeah, I can live with that’. it’s just soooooooooooooooooooooo... it makes my writing brain go crazy. what a strange yet beautiful way for fictional characters to show love -- to help someone else see the truth of their own self/nature on a metatextual level. peak sometimes-benevolent trickster god lupin AND partners being partners content. jigen is considering his own potential obsolescence in a changing world and lupin tells him that stories live as long as they’re needed, as long as they resonate -- a good story is never obsolete, it will always have been even as it ends. also the vague vibe from how jigen reacts to lupin going to fujiko in that last ep that he has already seen beneath that mask, he already knows… brainworms for days and years and decades folks)

I really like the idea that castle of cagliostro still is the endpoint of the lupin iii canon timeline as we have it today -- miyazaki hit on something compelling and melancholy there and I think deserves to be conserved -- but I don’t believe that’s incompatible with the end of part 5 at all, even though it ‘calls back’ to it like it’s something that’s already happened. because the end of part 5 is not uh, for lack of a better word, real. it’s in sort of a dreamlike space of commentary and -- I say this with love -- fond retrospective franchise navelgazing. and it’s been 50 years, some navelgazing is well earned frankly.

(of course people are perfectly free to hate part 5 and especially the ending for any reason they so wish!  the ending is atrociously paced and the way they wrap up ami’s arc especially is uh, how do you say, unconscionable and slapdash, and the season has plenty of other problems. but to me there are so many interesting meaningful things going on at the end there and I wanted to ramble about it some) 

[prettyboykatsuki]

About Geto's character study, I'm a bit curious about how he perceives a s/o before and after he went a little crazy, if that's not a bother you can include that incase you weren't planning to expand on that. Nothing else comes to my mind besides it.

Also i'm glad you're up for writing it, thank you <3

getou... im supposed to be writing a fic rn but i wanted to answer this since it's been simmering in my brain all day lmao..

i think.. for getou at the very least - the idea of love has always been kind of? strained. mostly because i believe getou suffers from a lot of fickleness. he claims to be as rational as they come and that's not completely untrue. he's good at problem solving, a strong sense of intuition and even stronger sense of knowing what works and what doesn't.

but in general, getou suffers from ficklness. a lot of his issues are rooted from his emotions, and his emotions are very wishy-washy. when he was faced with the true ugliness of society, his gut reaction was so severe. and it's because he's really not equipped to deal with those feelings. not of loss, or grief, or suffering.

love is another example of something i think getou isn't equipped to deal with. he claims to be rational but in reality, his intense feelings get covered up with justifications. there's an overcorrection in his behaviors that he himself has a hard time recognizing as irrationality. in getou's mind he's doing the right thing always.

i think before getou loses his shit, love is a little easier. he's selfish and tender hearted towards the person he likes. he's really bad at being considerate at first and that's the biggest learning curve. you have to be kind of patient with him in that way.

and i think after.. it's not that he's incapable but that it's hard for him to love.. normally. he's so far-removed from his emotions that love just becomes another thing he has to fix if that makes sense. i think at least in canonverse, that he develops this obsession with your weakness. and it's kind of a defense? that because you're weak and not like the rest, it's his job to protect you. he overshadows your agency and justifies himself so much because love is a feeling he's not equipped for.

while he seems so relaxed and chill, i think getou was just emotionally immature when he witnessed something so heinous. he probably was always a little stand-offish, reserved. never so openly feely like gojo seemed to be. and because he didn't have the tools to cope with those feelings it just.. got worse. he never got in touch with himself or something along those lines.

you'd have to be really patient with him and willing to call him on his shit, but post his insanity i think it'd be much harder to pull him out of his own darkness i guess

[diorstarr]

u better make room bc I’m about to burrow into ur brain fr fr

+ yes, richies grief is pushed to the side and almost deemed unimportant. there is this absolutely amazing fic on ao3 which is basically a richie character study + also explores the relationship between Richie and Mikey so fucking well its crazy

and yeah, him and syd?? their dynamic KILLED me + while richie is def hotheaded and so defensive i also think he feels so much guilt and thinks he’s an honest to god fuck up and tries to overcompensate by being an ‘in your face’ asshole bc that’s how he can get your attention and make you listen

he'd help you change it, but he'd mock you the ENTIRE time. - yes!!! a million times yes!!! bc he will always be there for the people he loves and cares for even if its an inconvenience for him ( i mean, just look at how much he complains about carmy and his new system yet he’s there day in and day out working his ass off to keep the restaurant going) 

god and he would be so caring, even if you were just a one night stand, you’re so right omg. ugh one part would be that traditional view of relationships that he has bc, duh. i mean look at him. but also i so think he’s the type of person who would be like the tiniest bit obsessed w you if u even showed like an ounce of interest lmao 

anyways i love him and i want him and am excited to see what u do with him <3

sorry to ramble + feel free to ignore this btw 😭😭 but i adore this show sm </3

but, yes i think u absolutely have richies character down to a T. one of the things i really appreciated about the show was how complex all the characters were and yeah, Richie is this ultimate asshole but you also see how much he cared for mikey and how he cares for carmy in his own weird way. and his dynamic with syd is also very interesting i think, and just seeing him struggle with grief and being SO resistant to change and he is confrontational but almost in an insecure way…. it just does something to me.

no, please keep rambling!!!!! 🤩 And also, sorry!!! This got away from me!

But I completely agree!!! Richie is the personification of "bottle that shit up, kid" and I love those types of characters, especially when they are good despite it all. He could have just been a paper-thin asshole, but he isn't. I mean, he is, but! He's an jerk with a heart of gold (kinda. maybe faux gold.)

I think what really sold that for me was the date scene, where he's just absolutely crushed. Devastated. And still trying to salvage something from it despite it being a losing battle. It really displayed his grief perfectly.

His is completely ignored.

He didn't lose a blood-brother. People are considerate of Carmy (to an extent), but Richie is just the childhood friend.

He can't even commiserate with Carmy, despite the fact that Carmy probably grew up with Richie.

(I h/c them as being childhood friends, and that, honestly, makes everything so much worse. No one ever asks about how the childhood friend is doing, and I don't think he expects them to, but still. He was there for Mikey through everything. Everything. And he can't even talk about it because everytime he tries, he cries, he gets choked up, and how can he cry when Carmy is going through it so much worse? It's selfish.)

He's the crabby, surly worker who everyone thinks should have been in jail a long time ago. Who no one expects much of, despite the fact that he's always at work. Always there. Dependable in his own way. He didn't go to a fancy school, but he knows things. He's street smart. Slick. He knows how to get around.

And when Syd goes off on him??? Omg. I honestly shattered. Like, I get it. I love Syd. I get it. But the way he just stood there and silently took it all, said nothing but just did what he had to do to keep the mess from spilling over any more than it already was. You would have expected him to lash out. To scream. Hurtle insults. And I think that's because he believed everything she said. All of that is the same stuff that runs through his head on a loop. He's insecure about all of it, and she picked it pieces.

When he's arrested, he called his (ex??)-wife. No answer. And I -

AHHHHHHHHH.

He's not nice, but he's kind(-ish).

If you told him you had a flat tyre, he'd help you change it, but he'd mock you the ENTIRE time. He'd be a right jerk about the whole thing. But you know what? He's still in the dirt, the snow, changing your damn tyre. And put your wallet away, he doesn't take charity from idiots who can't change a damn tyre. Use it to buy yourself a clue, stupid. Who drives in Chicago, anyway? Asking for it, if you ask him. Have you seen those potholes?

He's in a rut, but he doesn't have the tools to express it outside of anger. Lashing out. His marriage is (perhaps??) over, but he still wears his wedding ring. He does his best. He doesn't like change. He's comfortable. Sure, it isn't great, but it's good. And that's enough for him.

And if someone truly good came into his life, he'd push them out. Run. Flee. He doesn't deserve it, and you're just pulling his leg. He's no charity case on rough side of Chicago who needs someone to polish him up, thanks. Mind your damn business and stay the hell away from him unless you just want a quick fuck (but after, you should probably stay the night, or whatever. It's cold outside. And don't mind the kids toys all over the place. There his girls if she ever wanted to come over. Just shut up about it.). And, hey, it's late. You shouldn't walk home alone at night. You both get done at the same time. He'll walk with you. And you haven't eaten? Well, shit. You should have said something because the best Italian place (authentic Italian, none of that cheap shit) is three blocks in the opposite direction, but it's late. You probably have things to do, so get to them. Oh, you don't? Well, why wouldn't you wanna spend time with him? He's a delight. And stop flirting with him, you heathen. It's against HR policy. He'd know. He wrote it.

(but maybe there's some clause or whatever about not letting a good thing go, so. maybe you're stuck with him.)

[lululawrence]

lululawrence’s April 2021 Fic List

Previous Fic Lists / Fic List Podcast Masterpost

April has been a bit of a roller coaster, hasn’t it? But here we are, already almost May! I was able to read so many incredible fics this month. Like... truly, so many STELLAR fics. I’m finally back to reading more of last year’s Big Bang fics, plus a couple that I betaed have already posted, and then I threw in some other shorter ones for fun as well, and I cannot wait to share them with you and tell you what I loved about each one.

In fact, if you’d really like to hear me rhapsodize about these fics, you can listen to my podcast here.

As always, be sure to show your love and appreciation for all of the hard work our fandom authors have put into their fics with kudos, nice comments, and (when applicable) reblogging their fic posts!

Falling in the Wrong Direction by @fallinglikethis / FallingLikeThis (25k, E, Harry/Louis, past Liam/Harry, Big Bang fic, based on Catch and Release, grieving Harry, Liam has recently died when the fic starts, Louis was Liam’s best friend, enemies to friends to lovers, roommates Niall and Zayn, secrets, for real the grief is real in this one, soooo many emotions and all of them perfectly navigated, i loved it all so very much)

sustenance by Anonymous (12k, E, Harry/Louis, Girl Direction, Induced Lactation, Breastfeeding, Lactation Kink, Footballer Louis, Public Breastfeeding, I mean it kinda is public cause they’re surrounded by others due to the nature of the experiment, It’s a whole science thing, it’s... listen it’s all for smut’s sake and it’s fucking hot so, if lactation kink is your thing you gotta do it lol)

Let Me Kiss You by Anonymous (4k, G, Harry/Louis, Zayn/Louis, Liam/Louis, Niall/Louis, Canon Compliant, Louis kisses everyone, I think he and Harry are actually dating and he isn’t dating the rest, anyway, Recreational Drug Use aka weed lol, It’s back when the band was together but kinda seems to float across some years?, Fuck, listen, this fic was just so incredibly pure and good, I loved it so much, I loved how each kiss had a different reason, and the way it is all framed???, IT’S WONDERFUL I LOVED IT PLEASE READ IT)

Hooked With Just One Taste by @dinosaursmate / dinosaursmate (49k, E, Harry/Louis, Big Bang fic, Cam Boy Louis, Rich Harry, Former-Celebrity Harry, he’s still kinda famous but not actively if that makes sense lmao, side Ziall, I LOVE THE ZIALL OKAY OMG, Also listen, this fic is sooooo smutty and hot and great, but it also is so pure and good?, Like the way Harry and Louis interact and grow to be so into each other for more than just sexy times?, SO GOOD, anyway read itttttt, the art is PERFECT for it too!, props to @wilywolf for that hehe)

your crimes are quiet, my love by @lightwoodsmagic / lightswoodmagic (sarah_writes) (98k, E, Zayn/Liam, Harry/Louis, Big Bang fic, Miss Congeniality AU, but make it darker and more realistic, lolllll It’s still sooooo much fun though omggggg, MI5 Agents Liam and Zayn, Ziam are partners for work, pining, SO much pining, friends to lovers, oblivious boys seriously, Louis is the pageant trainer/consultant, Harry is Liam’s roommate for the pageant and a contestant, I cannot express to you how incredible this fic was and how much it sucks you in, the storyline was such an original and incredible and creepy yet really lovely take on the original story, i fucking loved it, oh there’s side Shiall too and I loved them even if they weren’t in it nearly so much as the rest!)

Favourite Boy by @quelsentiment / wordsnnotes (9k, T, Zayn/Louis, pining, lack of communication, Friends with Benefits to Lovers, Except they’re more just... the benefits?, I guess it’s more like... Regular Booty Calls to Lovers, lmaoooo, for real though this fic omggggg, it sucked me right into Zayn’s head and the whole issue of it all, and they just won’t talk!!!, SO CRAZY GOOD OMG)

But I’m the Quarterback by @evilovesyou / 4ureyesonly28 (52k, E, Harry/Louis, Big Bang fic, But I’m the Cheerleader AU, quarterback Harry, Conversion Therapy Camp, Sexuality Crisis, Gay Awakening, Crisis of Faith, Self Harm, Listen, this fic is heavy at times, but for the most part it really is so lovely and gentle, The way Harry comes to learn about himself and accept himself, all with the wonderful people around him going through the same thing, AND LARRY AND LLOYD OMGGGG I LOVE THEM SO MUCHHHHH, anyway, i love this fic please give it a chance if you can handle the tags!, and MASSIVE shout out to the artist @whatagreatproblemtohave for the amazing art!)

Felt Nothing Like Home by @becomeawendybird / QuickedWeen (62k, E, Harry/Louis, Big Bang fic, Bon Appetit Test Kitchen AU, Specifically a Brad/Claire AU for those who are familiar hehe, Pastry Chef Harry, Professional Chef Louis, YouTube AU, Pining, All the fucking pining, Friends to Lovers, Secret Relationship, This fic is so warm and lovely and soft, And funny omg so funny, but also so sweet, it was absolutely stellar, I love)

The Journal by @wait4ever / RecycledStardust and @evilovesyou / 4ureyesonly28 (14k, G, Harry/Louis, Alternate Universe, Magic, Spells, Mystery, Twin Flames, Soulmates, Reincarnation in a way, Rituals, 1990s AU, but also a Historical fic in certain scenes, and NO the 90s aren’t historical yet FIGHT ME, anyway sorry lol, This fic is so special and I keep getting choked up just thinking about it, It is absolutely lovely and the found friends/family aspect is also so so lovely, and I just, Oh gosh it is a must read please read this fic I’m begging you)

Things Unsaid by @londonfoginacup / LadyLondonderry (4k, G, Harry/Louis, Soulmate Fest fic, which of course means Soulmates!, Soulmarks, Meet Cute, Or well kinda a meet ugly whoops, lol, Lilo Friendship, Humor, Listen this fic is borderline crack in the best way and I laughed so many times reading it, It was lighthearted and wonderful)

To the late night double feature show by @londonfoginacup / LadyLondonderry (2k, NR, Harry/Louis, Halloween fic, Cryptid Harry, kinda? I think he’s considered a cryptid?, lmao ANYWAY, meet cute, Clifford, Crack, This fic was once again adorable and silly and yet soft and warm and once again, I love it, Let’s all just sit and admire the way Emmu’s brain works shall we?)

[shinygoku]

gordon gordon gordon gordon

Gordon Gordon Gordon Gordon!!

He's been sneaking into these asks by proxy, so it's finally time for his dedicated session, hehe~

First impression

WUAAAGH what's up with this WEIRD LONG NOT-THOMAS and his FACE?!

Impression now

His face is still pretty weird! But you know what else it is? Part of an Absolute Legend ✨

Like, man, Gordon is such a big presence and interesting character, the entire premise leans heavily on him. I'm inclined to go as far as to say that the Blue Boys of 1, 2 and 4 here are the three most important characters for the franchise (not at all to knock everyone else lmao) and they slot nicely into a Triforce of Courage, Wisdom and Power, and Gordon has Power in spades!

Gordon is The Vain One (not James!). He's legit very strong and the fastest on Sodor (which isn't just being a big fish in a small pond because that island has some crazy cool engines!) but unfortunately he lacks humility. His success seems to have been lodged in his head before the series even begins and this Pride is the source of pretty much every single conflict he's involved in.

But when it isn't his self satisfaction in his actions, it's being smug about being such a grand, magnificent Tender Engine and he is snooty as hell about it. He seems to look at smaller engines [pretty much everyone compared to him lol] as a lesser class, particularly if they're small and cheeky and Tank Engines. This may not be the case exactly, but his way of talking to them and some other things he says are very condescending.

However... as much as a gigantic jerk he is at several points, with Gordon I kinda feel like he plain ass doesn't conceive of his words being out of line. That and having to Unlearn things... he's not innately better than everyone else. He sees things in black and white. There are Useful Engines, and those who should be scrapped. There are Noble Tender Engines and Lesser Tank Engines who exist to do the tedious chores on behalf of the Superior ones. Edward doing shunting is seen as Demeaning and contradicts Gordon’s world view that Tender Engines Don't Stunt™, and he doesn't like that one bit! (Also Edward was crossing the picket line but that wasn't Awdry's concern lmao)

Related is Gordon does seem oddly dense at times, like assuming that Tenders are in of themselves a Status Symbol rather than a large lunchbox of sorts lol, or that Tender Engines like him being too heavy for Branch Lines being because something about Branch Lines are degrading. This might be all Elitist Brainwashing influence. But still, that he just takes these as The Truth means I get to affectionately call him an idiot. And there is no other way to explain how he genuinely believes Bill and Ben were going to murder him if he wasn't missing a few brain bolts in there.

Fortunately, he does eventually start to learn the important lessons.... very gradually, but the Early Gordon is a pretty different beast to Later Gordon, and it's wonderful~

Also, I gotta give credit to him for having some moments of utter brilliance and actual grasp of reality and more complex matters, like culture. (Yeah, I'm rolling with his geniune Opera Knowledge from s6 of all things. It's good!) As much as Awdry himself may have disagreed, Gordon was in the right to want a Station Pilot and the Strike was called for (not bullying Edward for it, but myeah) ...but this leads to my next point: He seems to have a mental block when it comes to Emotions.

Certainly, he's as emotional as the others are, it's not just a scale of Snooty, Arrogant, Condescending, Prideful ....well, it is, but ALSO the more mixed and varied feelings: Shame, Sadness, Fear, Ambivilance, Irritation, Anger, Passion, Amused, Delight and so on. However, Gordon is seemingly unaware of how his words may make the others feel, and even at his cruellest it doesn't look like he's aware he's twisting a knife in. To Gordon, he's being honest, but his verbose manner ends up twisting and wriggling away from any valid point like an overgrown vine that somehow links back to how [Other Engine] is disgracing him, Gordon, by association.

Examples include: Being offended by Henry's new shape (??? Gordon dude he nearly died and this is an improvement, a good thing!), saying that Edward's age and difficulty starting a heavy ass packed load of passengers is grounds to be Retired or even Scrapped, other little insulting things like calling the likes of Thomas and James Little insistently (it seems to vary if he's trying to put them down or actually be affectionate), and many more when in the hands of inept writers who have to wheel out the same Gordon Learns A Lesson Plot every other season.

Like I said in the James post, I also think he kinda poisoned the Red guy with his snooty attitude... but I maintain that I think Gordon was unaware of this. He may know he has Influence, and enjoy that, but he really truly doesn't appear to mean to mould James into a smaller, redder version of himself. He's oblivious and from his own point of view, benevolent. Which is in fact a dangerous combo indeed!

It's... a lot o7;;

Again though, if you're looking at the books and s1-s5 of TVS you can see him grow and change. He does take a while to learn the lessons, but as time goes on he moves 2 steps forward and 1 step back, then eventually less steps back entirely. It's great! And so is Gordon. A big dumb meathead with not entirely uncalled for delusions of granduer. A dramatic so-and-so who is the best engine for his job.

I love this sophisticated jock who grows more kindness~ 💙

Favourite moment

Hm! This isn't as easy to decide lol. We all like Gordon Goes Foreign... but you know what sticks in my mind more?

hOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH

Look, I’m not 100% objective, here! But Ringo’s read of this line is fantastic (and keeps making me expect him to finish saying OOOHH SHIT) and it’s also a well deserved bolt of divine retribution for how rude he was being earlier. (As long as my essay already was, he very much needed the knocking down of some pegs here!)

Idea for a story

While both my fics with him thus far have been variations of Pre-Canon, Full-Arrogance and Snobbish Gordon (and both were a lot of fun!) ...but I cannot bear the same expired horse being beaten more when the story is set waaay later but he’s still up his own ass. Please, PLEASE writers, let him hold what growth he’s managed to gain!

I think it’d be good to accept that he’s gonna be outdated sooner or later, so have him help train another High Speed Engine and take them under his wing. The Christopher Awdry books kinda have something similar with Pip and Emma, but I think a better way of having Gordon be involved would be if he was actively doing some mentoring himself, as well as being a neat parallel with Edward, whose type was once Express only but got outclassed by A1s, and so the same can happen to this big A1 -> A3 lad and he can form a healthy relationship with some bright eyed newbie (and maybe have some self awareness and try to stop their head getting too large, lol).

Unpopular opinion

I know I just said him mentoring would be a cool story idea, but in canon? He is NOT a resident Dad type!! He’s a hotshot young man but he’s also a hot mess. He’s physically large but he’s not got the Energy of someone who dispenses sage advice and a shoulder to cry on. At best, he’s a weird uncle! One who means well but you shouldn’t take his life advice to heart because he’s actually just as, if not more clueless than you!

Favourite relationship

I feel inclined to say Thomas here. Emphatically not because Gordon is ‘old’ and Thomas is ‘young’, but because they’re so damn alike and actually make an excellent, albeit unconventional type of Rivalry.

Both are self important with genuine finesse in their respective talents, both are honest to a fault, both have redeeming qualities to offset their initial abrasiveness, and the first TVS episode is centred on the both of them and sets the tone for the series as a whole. There’s more parallels, of course, but I also wanna point out they’re effectively the mascots of North Western Rail in universe too, and I absolutely love this picture:

I also have immense fondness for the Down the Mine paradigm shift! Thomas gives Gordon grief over the ditch incident and later when it emerges the Fat Controller is gonna send for Gordon to pull him out, Thomas is filled with dread. But Gordon isn’t using the chance to lord over Thomas, he’s actually so amused by Thomas’ mishap and it coming at a time where he’s been significantly humbled, they instead become Comrades and I love it. I eat it up! Paint Pots and Queens isn’t anywhere near as good but I adore the little bit where they’re appealing for the other, equals and watching each other’s back~

But yeah, as Friendly Rivals they both feel very authentic and yet, in a daft way, sweet ;3

Favourite headcanon

He still says “Hurry, hurry, hurry!” when pulling the Express. That’s a HC as I think the show phased it out, but I like it lol. I feel like my essay on him contains most of the headcanon stuff, but it’s all based on what’s shown, baybee!