#crazy how this film invented sex

[octopodeez]

𝐒𝐥𝐮𝐭𝐬 (𝐏𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐠𝐚𝐬 𝐃. 𝐀𝐜𝐞/𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫)

Modern!AU where you end your vacation with a bang by hooking up with some hot guy at the bar.

(Alabasta Ace will always reign supreme ❤️‍🔥)

He must be a local. There’s a certain rhythm to the way he rolls his hips that you can’t find at home, and gyms near you don’t produce bodies like that.

One large hand is splayed on your lower back to keep you close, while the other balances on the brim of his hat to keep it from tipping as his nose brushes against yours. There’s a warmth radiating from him that balances the chill of the ocean’s breeze. It penetrates your skin and settles easily in your bones as if belonging there all along.

He spends a few songs with his strong thigh pressed against your cunt and you spend a few songs grinding on it before he buys you a shot of fireball. You admire him from behind as he leans over the bar a little too far, waiting for the bartender’s attention. There’s a large tattoo on his spine that you’ll likely never get to know the meaning of and, more importantly, dimples on his lower back that form a subtle V. His cargo shorts hang low on his hips despite his belt, and you think about how easy it’d be for him to yank them down and rail you here and now at this shitty beach bar.

When he returns with the shots, you expect him to make a cheesy frat-boy type toast as he clinks his glass against yours, but you’re pleasantly surprised when he simply gives you a toothy grin before throwing his head back, giving you a nice view of his adam’s apple. He chases it by licking into your mouth, lapping up the burn of the liquor on your tongue.

He tells you his name is Ace.

Reaching your hotel room is a struggle, and that thought of yanking down those loose shorts of his becomes more appealing with each wrong turn, but you finally make it and jam your keycard in the lock so hard it nearly snaps. Indignant to the rough treatment, the sensor takes three tries to click open. Perfect timing because you notice Ace was raising his foot to just kick the damn thing open. The door still doesn’t quite avoid his wrath, though, as he gives it a swift kick shut before nearly tackling you to the floor.

The rug feels hot on your back as your shirt rides up beneath him. He’s already patting down his pockets, trying to find what you hope will be a condom, and thank fucking christ, it was. The packaging is red and flimsy, telltale signs of being cheap, but oh well, that’s why god invented Plan B.

He holds the condom between his teeth for a moment as he undoes his belt and zipper. Transfixed by the sound of clinking metal as his open belt sways heavy against his upper thighs, you barely register your lips parting hungrily as he tugs down his cargo shorts to reveal he wasn’t wearing any underwear. The fact that he’d shown up at the bar shirtless had already driven you crazy, but now to know there was nothing separating him from the world except the shorts that hung so loosely on his hips? Fuck.

“No panties? What a slut,” you half-joke.

“Yeah, I’m known to be a filthy tease,” Ace replies dryly, but amused, as he tears open the condom. The film makes a flimsy crinkling noise as another reminder to grab that Plan B tomorrow. “And what about you? You gonna let me see what’s under those tight little shorts or what?”

Ace tilts his head to the side slightly, while fumbling to roll the condom on. Meanwhile, you realize you are about to fuck a man who is wearing nothing but a bright orange hat. Whether or not to omit this detail when you tell your friends about him is a decision best saved for later.

Shifting, you lift your hips slightly to wiggle out of your shorts and panties. Ace makes a show of gripping the meat of your thighs and spreading them to get a better view of your wet sex. He stares just long enough to make you squirm, but before you can start self-consciously fidgeting, his fingers move to trace down your slit experimentally. He seems pleased with the state you’re in now, but decides he can make you messier and dips one of his fingers in your cunt, pressing forward until his palm is nearly flush against you.

Ace hums as he crooks his finger and begins rubbing that nice little spot within you. Like flint to stone, it lights your guts on fire and has you arching to chase after his touch. Had you not been staring at the ceiling, biting your lip, you would have seen his eyebrows quirk in surprise at your response, and it briefly would have made you wonder if maybe he didn’t do this as often as his dancing suggested.

When Ace pulls his hand back, you make a small noise of protest, but then he wraps his hand around the base of his cock and taps it on your clit, all nice and heavy. Your whining becomes begging and soon he’s slowly spearing you open with his cockhead. The fire he lit within you earlier is now a full on inferno as he presses forward more and more, stretching you to your limits, and pushing him to his as he visibly struggles to maintain control. He’s quivering and sighing, trying to resist the urge to just fuck you in half right here and now on the scratchy hotel carpet, but under that cowboy hat is some mental barrier, and you quietly thank whoever put it there when she taught him how to properly fuck a pussy.

That being said, this is hardly a time you want to be even remotely proper, so you hook your legs around his waist and yank him to his hilt. Caught off guard, Ace hisses a few curses and buries his head in the crook of your neck, nipping the soft skin there in retaliation.

“Fuck, give a guy some warning,” he groans while righting himself and giving you a hungry once over.

“I got impatient.” The words come out far more confident than you expected them to, earning the look of irritation you hoped for. The hamster wheel in Ace’s head is shorting out because how the fuck were you not a blissed out mess now that he was fully plunged inside you?

“Now who’s the slut?” Ace finally replies, and he feels your walls flutter against him. A wicked grin curls over his features having unlocked such a valuable tidbit of information, and he says: “Oh, I see.”

Unable to think of a clever response, you simply huff and roll your hips. The motion lands somewhere between bratty and fucking needy, and you’re pleased to see the way his pupils explode. You do it again, harder this time, pulling a breathy groan and wider smile from Ace.

“You gonna let me do my thing or should I just keep playing sex doll?” His tone suggests he’s fine with either option.

You can’t help but laugh as you thread your fingers through his hair. For a moment, you forget the miles that will separate you soon and just let yourself enjoy how natural being with him suddenly feels. There’s something about him that’s familiar and new all at once, as if you’d conjured him from the scraps of your past partners’ best traits.

A well-timed thrust from Ace chokes off the sarcastic remark on the tip of your tongue. Another thrust draws a breathy moan from deep within your chest that’s quickly muffled by a kiss.

Ace is a multitasker, and consumes you with every part of his body. He’s everywhere all at once and having no trouble figuring out which nipple is a little more sensitive and what angle your hips need to be to get you to make more of those filthy noises. Every now and then he leans down to kiss you. He swipes his tongue over the seam of your lips and hums when you part them, licking into your mouth sloppily, filling another part of your body.

“I’m close,” Ace suddenly pants as his hips continue snapping into yours. He’s grinning like a very confident idiot for some reason and it’s the most endearing thing in the world. “I’m so fucking close,” he repeats with a little more intensity. “Jesus, you feel so good. Can’t believe such a little slut is so fucking tight.”

Ace then crinkles his freckled nose and shakes his head, all too aware of how unnatural he sounded as he makes the snap decision to focus on chasing his orgasm rather than make a joke about his shitty dirty talk. You bite back a smile, too, and tangle your fingers in the scruff of his hair to pull him in for another searing kiss. The way he unabashedly pants and groans against your mouth is way hotter than anything he could say, anyways.

Your nails scrape down his back, settling on those dimples that had your mouth watering earlier and it makes Ace’s hips stutter as he whines into your mouth, coming abruptly. He collapses on top of you and mutters something about how he wished you didn’t live so far away and then, to your disbelief the fucker falls asleep mid-sentence; cargo shorts tangled at his ankles, ass out, hat still on. Something about the gentle rhythm of his snoring and warmth against your skin makes you too tired to comprehend the ridiculousness of the situation.

Once more he has proven himself to be annoyingly endearing and it has you already planning your next trip down.

***

Hi, I’m the queen of shitty abrupt endings but anyways you leave his dumb ass naked on the floor and sleep in your cozy hotel bed then the next morning he gives you the sloppiest best oral you’ve ever had and you almost miss your fucking flight blah blah blah the end ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

Also he eats your entire mini bar and you have to pay like $80 for a few bags of Cheetos but he apologizes so it’s fine I guess.

[vivianbernadetteaurora]

Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton

Forget Megan Fox for a minute, and her partner Machine Gun Kelly a.k.a. Colson Baker these two are the original crazy couple. They were known for coming to Premier high off their not on stuff mainly heroin and never jokes according to the blind I am to the love of each other lives forever and when are you looking in there in their synastry you can see why.. so what was it about? These two? That made them so appealing to the general public? I’ll tell you what they were different. They appealed to the weird kids. They appealed to their and popular kids, they even appeared to the popular kids and people who didn’t know how to express the side of themselves from a very young age Angelina had a very let’s say unconventional sex life for someone very young, her mum even allowed her to have her different boyfriend stay in the house and it’s so believe that she went out of one of her mother’s partners. I don’t know how true this is but I’ve had it a couple of times.

Angelina loves her mother, unfortunately she lost her mother to cancer which gave Angelina the ideas to get tested for all the things that her mother had and she had her breast removed and she had the test for like cervical things and she had a very high chance of getting what her mother had, John VOIGHT, who is Angelina‘s father? Have a very strange relationship. They work together on a film. I believe it might have been too raid or films she did after it and they worked together fine on Saturday and bloody bloody blah blah criticism like a lot of Angelina life you can see that she’s been really criticised by those places that even the general private making fun of her for adopting babies from other countries which in the early 2000 seem to be a massive thing with her and Madonna, I’m not sure maybe because they were older but Angelina isn’t that old I feel like she just wanted to help children from other countries. He didn’t get the chance to have a mother around that subject for another day.

I think the thing that makes her different between her and Megan Fox is the fact that Angelina was doing this before. This was even a thing she invented the whole being different and a bit crazy and kind of like when the rider but we have more of an edge , in fact, character girl interrupted reminds me of what Angelina could actually be like in real life especially being a Gemini 🌞 sun.

Carrying each of his role of blood around each one and others necks with a thing with these two also this is where I believe things went down for Angelina after Billy Bob but like I said if you want to believe the bond these who have been hooking up and secret for many years , and after they broke up and said having sex with her like having sex with sofa , very bitter and mean .

So now let’s get into the ministry of these two birth chalk and add a little spice to what’s going on here…..

His son is Leo. Her sun is in Gemini. Her moon is an Aries with a cancer rising making her moon the chart ruler she was born on June 4, 1975 in Los Angeles at 9:09 am a late cancer ascendant Venus is almost exactly rising in cancer and a tight square with Uranus and Jupiter closed and exactly the same conjunction of the midheaven. She has an Aries moon which is conjunct her Mars and Aries her mercury is in Gemini.

Billy Bob has a number of planets in Leo mercury Venus mars Jupiter and Pluto, although his moon is opposing to Leo being an Aquarius, which has a Scorpio myself is my favourite moon sign?🌙, so although Angelina‘s birth time is accurate, we don’t have one for Billy Bob here we go there Billy Bob has a huge coralstion reaction of planets in Leo with all the personal planets except the moon in Leo with this concentration and he’s going to impact another person in a concentrated area of their charts in the case of Angelina impact on her house. No wonder she couldn’t keep her hands off him you see guys this is how it happens and cussing on that house the second house is in but for her it would be in Leo and the second house being ruled by tourist generally and always let’s take away the factor it’s her chart is to do with the senses adding the part where they said they couldn’t keep their hands up each other, he is almost exactly conjunct her Venus in sin. This aspect is a major indication of attraction the Venus person in this case Angelina is actually unfed with the Uranus person and the begins quickly quickly and this kind of election electric attraction ruling electricity,,,,

The sinner story between the moon is remarkable. Their son is in trying with the moon moonshine mercury many sex ties involving personal planets and more Angeline son moon midpoint at 13 15 is activated by Billy Bob on Mars and Saturn is a two-way mars and Jupiter and the list goes on in an interview with the Rollingstone Angelina has described how she felt when she met Billy Bob it was a feeling of disorientation. It’s no wonder at all.

The couples shed quite a few natal configurations for example Angelina has been escort Uranus aspect as dominant aspect in her chart and bill Bob has Venus conjunct Uranus both attracted to the unconventional exciting relationships both have Mars conjunction Jupiter in fire signs indicating in insatiable appetite, adventure activity and sex.

Then, if you wanna go a little bit deeper, you can look at composite charts, Which is a different way it’s not like sin is how the relationship has viewed in the public how the relationship views and different parts of an aspect of the relationship rather than the compatibility and say this composite chart however has some serious clashes are most obvious in the composite chart chart reveals the ultimate fate of relationship. Mars conjunction Jupiter and aspect present in their individual charts and these planets are involved in a T square with the moon car on Saturn neon and Pluto the noodle actress is immediately involved with this configuration as well.

Some released from tensions of this configuration is found in mercury which tries the moon and Kairon the Sextile the volatile urine is Saturn and Pluto and Neptune which trying moon Cron and sex tiles Uranus, Saturn and Pluto the three square is volatile in his power and energy with Neptune supporting some of the elements of the free tries and sex ties we would expect that the couple was able to talk things out and come to some acceptance of diverse and extreme energy present in their relationship at least some of the time..

He wrote a song about her….

I can understand him being so attracted to Angelina Jolie who isn’t she has his elected of tea with people even with that woman Jenny she feels things straight away which I give her and her moon and Aries being in the same and being passionate and seeing things through straightaway.

You are a strongly involved of the moon mars and Jupiter might have been easier to handle for the couple has both Angelina and Billy and they to leave configured to handle urinating in relationships, however Saturn tightly can jump glue to opposing and squaring their personal plants is much more challenging to grips with. Even though Venus looks at first glance to be unrespected in the composite chart it Semi Square Mars, Jupiter and Saturn Pluto forms Square to moon Kron Venus is involved and his challenging manner. All of the clashes present in the composite chart certainly worse stimulating and exciting but dementia too demanding.

Let’s go with Angelina having these challenges with Brad Pitt where she was attracted to him straight away and vice versa and both being mutable signs where they can adapt and become basically mirroring the signs, a Sagittarius and her being a in Gemini, here is some more with Brad Pitt people over expecting interest in a relationship between Angelina and Brad astrologically speaking the sinister between the two is for less striking and the example above and not hugely binding especially if Angelina Saturn or Brad North node which is often a separate aspect and his mercury and Mars opposing her Saturn with many of Brad’s personal planets falling in Angelina is six S. there is an imbalance present in the relationship which may over time be draining.

So now I want to take you to the blind item world, and we will look at some Angelina and Bob blind items alright so blind items are about celebrities where they’re a bit play onwards that they can’t say exactly who they are and there sometimes give them nicknames but here is one from September 15, 2019 and remember guys he broke up in the early 2000 supposedly it looks like the Oscar winning actor is getting closer to confirming that what I have been saying for a decade he is still hooked up with the permanent A-list mostly movie actress of his and has done so despite who they might have been involved with over the years, isn’t that right? Sport .

NT lawyer crazy days and loves to say this about Billy Bob calling everybody sport …. she’s been hooking up with for decades supposedly she does her own PR here is another blind item dated April 10, 2012

Number one is Academy award-winning actress who is an A-list apparently still believes in old flames she has slept with her ex-boyfriend a few times in the past year because she just can’t get him out of her head. I wonder what her A-list actor would think of it

Number two this A-list movie actor has a very unusual girlfriend for his first celebrity fling. She was probably B+ this movie actress at the time as it is now a wacky being minus with other interest. Our actor had never met her but told the male producer he could not speak with him to get apart back in the day because he had a girlfriend her was the first one he came up with and had to say with her until the producer finally gave up number one revealed

Angelina Billy Bob and Brad Pitt

Number two Brad Pitt Juliet Lewis

Here on lipstick all over find more Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt find items reveals July 8, 2016 and remember this is the time they split and things weren’t really sour. They were actual going up to the room of this A+ list mostly movie actor married to another A-list actor I never knew he was a stripper guy. He was always being a sucker for a PR people group Pitt/Angelina Jolie

28th of April 2016 this this mostly movie the actress is in bad shape health what is the drug uses out of control and she is slowly wasting away nothing Angelina Jolie very sad some of these

28th of July 2015 the wedding of his oranges new black address is on hold not for any other reasons giving but she is enjoying all the access with fans that she has been having in the past few months. She managed to hook up with this A+ this may be amazing actress and that is Ruby Rose and Angelina Jolie October 8, 2015 is a mostly movie address who is A-list more for fame than acting at this point has dropped so much weight that our husband has someone with her to make sure she eats at least at some food every day too many fainting spells and emergency goes to the doctor for dehydration. I’ve led to this

I wanna end this on a good note , Angelina has been out of the public eye for a bit. I feel recently and hopefully she is getting some good time with her children and looking after herself we’ve got a member she was very young when she hooked up with Brad Pitt and he was at least 10 years now, he was married and he should’ve known better. We’ve stop blaming things like this. He’s probably told her many lies about him and Jennifer and they probably won’t even together millennials Angelina was a blood sucker but now we love her. I’ve always loved her. She was like I celebrity crushes a woman she’s just so beautiful. I do hope she manages to sort her problems out as that video of her doing heroin and being on the phone to her dealer, which is really worrying she needs to have people around her if she is a good person I just wanted to show you may seem very appealing and the machine gun Megan Fox , Travis Barker and Kourtney k there are many problems too 

[olympushit]

Keeping up with the Olympians

#kuwto

Episode 3:

Preview: Triton's request to be a pornstar upsets Poseidon a lot, but creates a new beef with Eros that claims he would be better. Eros, trying to find an ally, accidentally walks in to his parents doing the deed. Hermes finds Apollo getting naughty with a stripper. Zeus is losing it, and many more to follow on this unholy episode!

Scene 1: (Poseidon's grand sea getaway)

Poseidon's confessional:

I still don't know what to do with Triton's idea. Him being a pornstar? With that dick? He's gonna be a laughing stock!

Poseidon: Son, I don't think this is a good idea.

Triton: So you don't support my dream?

Poseidon: It's not a dream, it's a bullshit!

Triton's confessional:

This negativity, the rejection! I can't! I'm gonna prove everyone wrong!

Triton: I'm done here! You never support me! I wanna do it and I will! I'll be a good pornstar!

Amphitrite: WHAT?

Triton: Shit...

___________

Scene 2: (Eros)

Eros' confessional:

Triton? A pornstar? Don't make me laugh! He is just so lame!

Triton: As if you are any better!

Eros: I'm the god of sex! Why wouldn't I?

Triton: Never overestimate yourself!

Eros' confessional:

This little bitch thinks he owns me? How old is he? Five? I'll show him!

Eros: If my judgment doesn't satisfy you, then let's ask the goddess of love herself!

Triton's confessional:

Aphrodite will help me for sure! She is totally into such stuff and can see someone's potential!

Eros: Mom!

Triton: Aphrodite!

Eros: She must be in her room!

Triton: Get in dude!

(Scene of Ares amd Aphrodite filming a porn movie)

Eros:.......

Triton:.......

Eros' confessional:

Man! Where is the bleach! My eyes huuuurt! Aaaahhhhhh!

Triton: Man it's not that big of a deal!

Eros: How dare you talk back you twerp! This is all your fault!

Triton: You are the one who so desperately flexes his sex abilities! You are such a hypocrite!

Eros: YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Ares: Guys! If you don't wanna see the action, just close the door!

Aphrodite: And for God's sake Eros, you are doing way worse with Psyche!

Eros: Triton wants to be a pornstar!

Ares: My boner is gone!

Aphrodite: Disgusting!

------------

Scene 3: (Zeus' grand palace on Olympus)

Zeus' confessional:

Things are a lot worse! She doesn't even talk to me! This is quite heavy gor my heart! Her behavior hurts me!

Hera's confessional:

I have made his life a living hell! But I think it is high time I forgave him. I have a plan afterall!

Hera: We need to talk!

Zeus: I'm not in the mood for fighting!

Hera: But I don't wanna fight!

Zeus: Ok. What's wrong?

Hera: I will forgive you only on one condition-

Zeus: YES!

Hera: You haven't heard it yet!

Zeus: Anything for you my love!

Hera: Hephaestus! Bring me the ankle monitor detector!

Zeus: THE WHAT?

Hera: You agreed!

Zeus' confessional:

SHE IS CRAZY! PSYCHO BITCH! But at the same time so kinky! And dirty!

Hephaestus: Are you sure about it mother?

Hera: Your father agreed so...

Hephaestus: Alright! Wherever dad goes, you will get a notification about his whereabouts. There is a hidden camera and GPS!

Zeus: Oh dear lord!

Hephaestus' confessional:

I love when my inventions are practical to familial issues! It's a nice way to get back at them for the way they treat me! I have feelings too!

Hephaestus: And everytime a chick will approach dad, some x-rays will run through his body paralyzing him!

Hera: I LOVE IT!

Zeus: ATHENA! HEEEEEELP! THEY TORTURE ME! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

________________

Scene 4: (Apollo at the strip club)

Apollo's confessional:

Man! Those strippers are amazing! Look at their ass!

Hermes: HERE YOU ARE! I WAS LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!

Apollo: I'm in the middle of something right now!

Hermes: Oh! Have fun bro!

Hermes' confessional:

Seriously, I can't get outta my mind the picture of Apollo's dick! Man! One thing, it was awkward! Two, it was big! Not bigger than Ares' but it serves its purpose!

Apollo: SERVE ITS PURPOSE! WTF!

Hermes: I'm not lying!

Apollo: And stop talking about Ares!

Hermes: Oh yeah I forgot he is your ex!

Apollo: My night is ruined!

Apollo's confessional:

Ares and me have past. A really good one! But he chose that Aphrodite bitch! I have a way to get back at him though.....

____________

Scene 5: (Athena's grand palace)

Athena's confessional:

I am truly hurt by Artemis' behavior! I don't know what got into her! It's like I don't really know her anymore!

Athena: She literally hurt my feelings!

Hestia: Poor baby! Maybe she was having a bad day!

Athena: I can understand that, but it's been 2 days and we haven't talked!

Hestia: Really? This long?

Athena: Yes! And it's frustrating because I wanted her opinion about the Henderson-Hasselbalch equation! Should I take the simple form or the logarithmic one?

Hestia: I'm confused!

Hestia's confessional:

I'm not sure about this conflict. I wish with all my heart to solve their problem, because I am really sick and tired of this! And I can't take another lecture about that Henderson equation! Jeez girl, get a life!

Artemis walks into the room

Artemis: Hey! Am I interrupting something?

Hestia: Uhm-

Athena: What do you want?

Artemis: I wanted to apologize for snapping at you earlier! I was having a really bad day and I wanted some company! Will you forgive me?

Athena: I don't know! Should I?

Artemis: Please! Ypu know I didn't mean it!

Athena: I still can't get over the fact that you took Ares' side on our big fight!

Artemis: It was in the spur of the moment! You know how much I value and love you!

Athena: Why would I believe that?

Artemis: Seriously now? We are besties!

Athena: That makes it even worse!

Artemis' confessional:

She always insinuates stuff without getting right to the point! Ugh!

Artemis: Will you stop being dramatic? I know you want us back together!

Athena: How so?

Artemis: Athena stop playing with me! Be direct and tell me, or else I am leaving once and for all!

Athena crying: I'm sorry! Come here sissy!

Athena and Artemis hugging and crying scene

Hestia's confessional:

Ah! Those little bitches made me cry again! Such a moving scene!

------------

Scene 6: (Dionysos and Ariadne)

Dionysos: Babe! Where is my wine jug?

Ariadne: Maybe in the kitchen!

Dionysos: It's not there!

Ariadne: Look thoroughly Dio! It can't dissappear!

Dionysos: But it's not here!

Ariadne: Look at me!

Dionysos lifts his head to see Ariadne in red lingerie, holding his wine jug.

Ariadne: Come and get it!

Dionysos: NOOOOOO!

Ariadne: What?

Dionysos: It's precious! Hold it with care!

Ariadne's confessional:

While I enjoy my life with Dionysos, sometimes he becomes a little paranoid out of nowhere! I just wanted to spice things up and he ended up all evening cleaning his wine jug! Seriously, what about my pipes! They need cleaning too!

Dionysos continues frantically cleaning the bottle

Dionysos: I'm done! Baby! I'm coming!

Sees Ariadne into Pyjamas asleep.

Dionysos' confessional:

My baby got tired! Nevermind! I'll take care of it first thing in the morning!

______________

Scene 7: (Underworld)

Hades' confessional:

My goodness! I'm a proud bottom! That woman brings me to my knees! I want her so fucking bad!

Persephone: Good morning honey!

Hades: Good morning my amazing, beautiful, kind and sexy wife!

Persephone: Oh! You love me that bad?

Hades: Hell yeah!

Persephone: Baby! We have many things to do today!

Hades: Can it wait a little?

Persephone: I don't know! I'll think about it!

Persephone's confessional:

I like teasing him! He is so cute when he is desperate! I am evil, but I enjoy a little waiting too!

Persephone: Not now! Later!

Hades: As you wish babe!

In the throne room

Persephone: What's up for today?

Minoas: Same shit! Dead people wanting to know their final destination.

Persephone: Ok let's get started.

Minoas looks at Hades

Hades: You heard her! Get started!

Persephone: So Minoas over there underestimates my queen status?

Persephone's confessional:

That little twerp! I'll show him who I am!

Hades: Next time your punishment will be to rot in Tartarus for disobeying your queen like that!

Minoas: Your Majesty, I-

Persephone: You call me that too! Understood you little pitiful judge?

Minoas: Yes, your Majesty!

Persephone: Next time you'll meet my wrath! And I am way worse than Hades!

Hades: Oh yeah! You are!

Persephone: Hades bebe! Not here!

Hades: If you go on like that I'll take you right here! In front of everyone!

Minoas: Imma head out!

Hades: You stay here!

Minoas: And do what? The cameraman with one hand?

Persephone:.......

Hades:.......

Minoas' confessional:

Ha! Take that now! Who won? Me!

---------------

There you go guys! Episode 3 is up! I'll let you know that I'm gonna be inactive for some time, because my exams are close! So enjoy this little shitty episode!

Am I the only one who thinks that Hades and Persephone are giving Travis Barker and Kourtney Kardashian vibez?

Till episode 4! ✌️✨🤗

[decepti-thots]

If it's not too much trouble, could you explain in simple terms what makes Spotlight: Arcee transmisogynistic? I feel like I must be missing something.

I get that it probably has to do with her being crazy violent and out for revenge because of a forced sex (and gender???) change and that she didn't ask for or agree with, but is that all there is to it?

This is an honest question and I am not trying to troll btw.

I'm happy to share my thoughts with you on it (below a cut, because the subject matter is less fun than I usually tackle on this blog), but with a couple caveats.

First off, I wouldn't answer this if I felt completely ill-equipped to give an answer, naturally. But I do want to stress that this is an answer, one particular perspective from one particular person, and not a claim to any kind of authority; for context, while this opinion is heavily informed by the opinions of trans women I have spoken to and read the thoughts of regarding this comic over the years, I'm not one myself. And more broadly, nobody's opinion is ever going to cover every possible angle on a serious topic, and I can only speak for my own opinion on the matter, informed by the opinion of a few more who I respect. I'm just some rando. You should only ascribe the below as much respect as you think Some Rando Online TM deserves; probably not all that much, hah. ;)

Now that context has been established, what I actually think is below the cut.

I think it can help to put the stuff you bring up in this ask into a broader perspective to explain why these elements are transmisogynistic, which is something we can look at on a couple of levels. One of these is in the sense of how these elements interact with a broader history of similar tropes in pop culture, and another is a discussion of the surrounding context of Arcee having this kind of story told about her given the history of her representations in prior incarnations of TF comics. So let's tackle the former first.

So there's the trope of a forced "sex change" invoked as horror you highlight in this ask, which works to present the concept of "changing sex" in a shocking, traumatic and frequently graphic light; this is something found in all manner of schlocky horror media, hence why I refer to it here as an established and recognizable trope. Spotlight: Arcee did not invent it; the comic is riffing on a stock concept it understands an audience will recognize. (For a recent and particularly blatant example, google the 2016 film 'The Assignment'.)

While an argument can be put forth (and often is) that this only presents involuntary "sex changes" as scary things, distinct from the concept of someone undergoing a voluntary gender transition, that... well let's put it this way: involuntary forced gender surgeries of the kind that trans people voluntarily undergo are not a real problem. (Forced surgery for intersex people is, but is also a distinctly different thing than what is presented in this comic, just to be clear.) But they are often invoked as though they are a real problem to cast doubt on the ethics of all transition in real-world transphobic rhetoric, and so the use of them as a horror trope is far from neutral. Simply by suggesting such a thing really is something to be feared, you're implicitly acknowledging the existence of, basically, a transphobic conspiracy theory.

(A similar argument is often had in relation to the famous 'is Silence Of The Lambs really transphobic if it has a passage about how the serial killer isn't a REAL trans woman', regarding the fact that positing that there might be violent men pretending to be trans women to do terrible things is in itself simply an invitation to scrutinize trans women for signs of that supposed dangerous "fakery".)

Spotlight: Arcee on a conceptual level relies upon the idea its audience can accept this invocation of the concept and revel in the horror it inspires in them. Some things in fiction we accept despite them being clearly bullshit, obviously, but we are motivated to suspend our disbelief, and that motivation is often telling. Zombies aren't real, but we pretend they are because of what they do for a zombie story. (Or, if the zombie story sucks, we don't, and we laugh at its failure to convince us.) In Spotlight: Arcee, the motivation to accept the deeply unrealistic concept underpinning it is one that is motivated primarily by a misogyny it assumes is present in the opinions of its audience. Put a pin in that; we'll come back to my arguing that case later when we discuss Furman's prior work. The main takeaway here is that the comic invokes a common transphobic trope that exists to associate transition with violation and threat.

There is also, as you mention, the fact that the comic makes Arcee a woman (by its own internal logic, where surgically altering someone's body non-consensually does that by default) and then has that as the direct cause of her going into a violent frenzy. Needless to say, 'once she was given some indefinable Woman-ness, she lost her shit and became unreasonable' is uh. Well nobody ever accused Furman of being good at writing women of any description, did they.

This isn't specifically a transmisogynistic issue as much as it is just. A generically misogynist one. The transmisogyny comes in basically because it exists in the same story as the above, and so can't be separated from the whole 'forced sex change' trope.

It's especially worth mentioning Arcee is given some innate, obvious "woman-ness" attribute in-text, like it's something that emanates out from her in a way other characters cannot help but notice despite not knowing what a woman is. Arcee is like 'you can't HELP calling me 'she', you just KNOW that something about me is NOT LIKE YOU' so the metaphor is uh. Not subtle. Women have a Thing and the Thing is Woman-ness and also if you have it you go nuts. (Sidenote: as well as being offensive, this comic is just... REALLY badly written. This part makes no fucking sense.)

So those are the two main reasons it gets called transmisogynistic. Not only because of the things that happen in the comic, but because of how they interact with pre-existing stereotypes in broader pop culture and media.

But there's another reason Transformers fans specifically will point to this comic as an issue, and it's that this whole thing is Furman doing a meta-commentary on why he thinks "woman in Transformers comic bad". Furman has made it clear many times since his original run with Marvel that he thinks Transformers "having gender" is stupid- specifically, he thinks Transformers being women is stupid, because only women have gender and the default is implicitly masculine to him. (Optimus Prime being a masculine looking guy embodying stereotypically masculine traits voiced by a man who is called 'he' is fine, but Arcee is a no-no.)

He wrote a comic for Marvel about how Arcee was created to appease angry stupid human feminists, like this is in-universe why Marvel Arcee is a girl there- it reads completely as some sort of commentary on what he sees as 'political correctness' being forced onto the franchise.

And he kept doing this. His never-realised plans for the female characters in Dreamwave included all the women being revealed as Quintesson sleeper agents. Then, Spotlight: Arcee, where her existence as a woman is an artificial, deeply wrong imposition into a universe that has no need of her or anyone like her, a corruption of what these characters are "supposed" to be.

That it leans specifically on transmisogynistic tropes is less because it's deliberately going for that I think, and more because pop culture often pulls out transmisogyny to communicate a lot of the ideas here about womanhood as artificial or bad or corrupted or whatever. So when you reach for tropes to communicate these concepts, the overlap with media more specifically evoking transmisogyny is pretty much inevitable past a certain point. I don't think Furman wrote Arcee in this comic intending her to be a trans woman, even a horrible stereotype of one. I think he wrote her to be a metaphor for how "forcing" women into things where they "aren't needed" is unnatural and bad, and the easiest tropes that communicated that idea were ones about trans women, and what this says about society's broader transphobia is telling.

This was a lot of words to say about a short, bad comic that almost nobody has read by a guy whose career mostly consists, these days, of comics almost nobody reads. I probably wouldn't have wasted so many words on this comic except that I think it is a useful case study in how to recognise these sorts of things in works that sometimes evade notice because they profess not to technically "be about" trans folks. The key is not in what the "identities" of the characters are (they're fictional; they don't "have identities") as some defenders of S:A have insisted, but in what the tropes they use communicate and reinforce in a broader context. S:A is a shite comic. Don't read it. But if you read it, that's probably the most valuable thing you'll get out of it.

[5sosfanfictioncatalogue]

Smut - Dirty Talk (2) Masterlist

part one

Camera Guy - @daydadahlias (cornflowerblue (daydadahlias)) calum/ashton, luke/calum/ashton E, 12k

Summary: Calum briefly glances up at him through his lashes, mouth still on Ashton’s skin. He wonders in a somewhat mocking tone, “What, and you’re gonna film it for us too, huh?”

“I mean if you guys want me to," Luke replies.

Certain That I'm Yours (ao3) - K_CALM_N michael/calum E, 4k

Summary: Michael feels guilty after taking Calum’s virginity and doesn’t want to fuck him in case he hurts him again. Calum doesn’t agree with this so he figures out a way to get Michael to fuck him.

Court Five - takemymoneycth luke/ashton, michael/calum E, 21k

Summary: A story in which a young college tennis player maybe likes his new coach a little too much.

Down with Drumsticks (ao3) - felixandtae luke/ashton N/R, 3k

Summary: Luke wasn't even the kinky one. Not in the way that he thought of the kinks; he only liked them when Ashton asked to try them. So, he had no idea why he was so insistent on fucking Ashton with his drumsticks.

(or basically this hasn't been done with Ashton being fucked and it was a long time waiting and i'm impatient)

Eat Me (ao3) - notonguexwithbutt michael/luke M, 14k

Summary: "Michael’s bottle green eyes are absolutely shining and Luke has to take a second to appreciate the beauty before him. Luke convinces himself it’s not weird to think things like that because it’s so obviously a fact. Michael is a beautiful boy, the prettiest Luke’s ever seen, and it makes Luke’s heart pound to think that he’s his best friend. How did he get so lucky?"

Michael is upset that none of his bandmates want to take him to a deserted island and eat him so Luke makes him feel better. In doing so, he discovers the feelings he has for his best friend are a little stronger than he ever intended.

for you are not beside but within me (ao3) - elysianhood luke/calum E, 11k

Summary: Calum pulled Luke up with his blonde locks by his right hand and wrapped his left tightly around his throat, restricting his airway, and leaned in close to the teary blue eyes, hissing threateningly, ‘You never – ever – speak to me like that ever again, you filthy slut. Ever. You don’t fucking tell me what to do. You’re just a fucktoy, remember? A dirty, fucking whore. That’s all you’ll ever be.’

or; Luke was a bad boy and Calum isn't happy.

Hey, Neighbor! - @daydadahlias (cornflowerblue (daydadahlias)) luke/ashton E, 17k

Summary: “So, to recap—” Calum says, waving his hand and cocking his brow— “you invented an imaginary beef with your neighbor over lawn care so you could have hate sex fantasies about him? Am I getting that right?”

Ashton sighs, shoulders slumping. “It sounds crazy when you say it.”

Late - @daydadahlias​​​ (cornflowerblue (daydadahlias)) E, 9k

Summary: Calum loves when Luke comes over late. When Luke comes over late, he has to stay the night.

Make Me Make Bad Decisions (ao3) - senioritastyles luke/ashton E, 7k

Summary: Michael and Calum dare Luke to do something and Ashton takes a liking to it.

Princess (ao3) - K_CALM_N michael/calum E, 3k

Summary: Calum is short and gets shit for it but Michael always makes him feel better.

Snow in Love (ao3) - plushyluke luke/ashton, michael/calum E, 7k

Summary: "in that cold instant, ashton put his hands back on the steering wheel. watching him back out of the parking space was torment. luke felt like there was a beast inside of him, clawing and desperate to be set free. aching to get ashton alone. to spend a second with him uninterrupted."

or ashton takes the 5sos boys on a snowy vacation, and luke is disappointed that it wasn't an opportunity to hook up.

Special (ao3) - FayeHunter michael/calum E, 1k

Summary: Michael gets a nice outfit and a way to torment Calum

Spit Me Out Like Hot Wasabi (ao3) - takemymoneycth michael/calum E, 4k

Summary: Michael had never enjoyed parties. But what happens when at one of Ashton Irwin's, he meets Calum, a sex god who looks like he came straight from his wet dreams? (hint: it starts with a s and ends with an ex)

That's Money, Honey (ao3) - senioritastyles luke/calum, ashton/ofc E, 22k

Summary: "Excuse me?" Calum calls, gesturing for the bartender and waiting for him to come over before continuing. "Who is that, over there? The boy on stage."

Michael doesn't even have to look, already smiling and nodding as he tops off Calum's already half-gone whiskey. "That's Luke." Michael explains and Calum nods, sipping at his whiskey again as he watches Luke dance, body swaying fluidly in front of several men dressed pretty similarly to how Calum is. "He tends to attract the uh, black card crowd." Michael says, handing Calum back his own black card.

Or: Calum makes Luke his sugar baby.

we're both showing hearts (ao3) - rory_the_dragon luke/ashton E, 17k

Summary: It's a pair of panties.

Ashton has to work very hard to pretend that he doesn't see the pinkness of Luke's cheeks for the rest of the show, doesn't see the small furtive looks Luke keeps shooting him, the way Luke keeps dicking about with this pair of pink panties, always in his hands as he runs about the stage, but he does. He might have to pretend for the cameras and the thousands of people around them but he sees all of it.

(Or: the lingerie fic)

You Gon' Have To Do It At My Tempo (ao3) - senioritastyles ot4 E, 4k

Summary: The boys have a competition to see who gets to touch Luke first.

[bokuroskitten]

OKAY THIS IS WHAT I CALL AN EVENT👌-

NSFW

Kuroo is 120% into spanking, manz loves them go all *whoosh* and *jiggly*

He'd definitely be into pet play, Istg the first time when he heard me being interested in that, he fainted 😌🤌

His size kink turns him on in the most randomest time of the day—I would just simply work and do my shit when Kuroo would hover over me and *plick* He sees how smol I am compared to him(the rest is upto y'alls genius imagination😃)

Kuroo's favourite position is cowgirl and doggystyle.

He lives for the degradation (Only if you and I do too casue ❗CONSENT❗)

Loves ripping them lingerie off the body and would say—"I'll get you a gorgeous one, kitten"

Loves cock warming ....If me and him, any of us got a bad day, we'd slip into the bed and he'd pull me close to his warm body, head nuzzling in neck and hand snaked around the torso—really close with each other to wash off all the stress and remnants of bad day.

I always have this particular thought that Kuroo would definitely experiment new kinks...He discovered my ice play kink by experiments 😃👩‍🦯

He's got the best aftercare—He would gently whisper all the praises in your ear.

Mans would do office roleplay in the home office room.(See the sfw hc)

He loves the pencil skirt and really small blouses for the roleplay

Garters got him weak in the knees

Is a sucker for BJs— His life flows out of him whenever he's sucked dry

SFW

Loves Science fiction films.

He would set up a separate study room in our shared apartment for work-from-home

Loves reminiscing about our previous years of togetherness.

He's not that much into parties—He loves them but it's not that he needs to them every year on his bday

He loves kissing the top of my head if I'm sitting down

Goes crazy if I crane my neck up and look at him, asking for more kisses

He loves holdinge securely against him in the morning after sex

Will give you your space and would definitely know when to not push your buttons

Self-ship

1. Him and I love the early morning adventures.

2. We had met during the same courses in university and became a couple at the end of the second year.

3. Loves the nickname babe, baby and kitten

4. We love spitting random facts at each other—

Kuroo: "Do you know babe that Kellogs cornflakes were invented to prevent masturbation?"

Me: "Do you know baby that the most exclusive and expensive coffee is made by luwak shit in Indonesia and it's quite delicious too.

Me and Kuroo both: Hmmm INTERESTING

5. We often pull all nighters to study and work and sleep throughout the day cuddling with each other.

6. He would propose while we are on the world tour

I GUESS THIS IS ALL I HAVE IN MY MIND NOW.

Happy Birthday to the best boy ever😤😤

MY MAN DESERVES ALL THE LOVE TODAY.

WELL HELLO SWEETS!!

Literally I have nothing to add here like you’ve covered all the bases this is fuckinh PERFECT just like our maaannnnn 😩😩😩 the size kink one? Kinda love this cause I know this mf will put things on high shelves JUST so you can be like “ro can ya get this for me?” And HES like 😏😏 “mmmm absolutely baby~” like the little shit he is. Amazing 🥺💖 I’m in love with him, thank you so much for sharing with me!! 💖💖

[true-blue-megamind]

Fan Theory Thursday – The Not-So-Evil Overlord?

Shhh… Want to hear a secret?  Come closer... SPOILER ALERT!

Okay, this one delves a little deep into the imaginative side of Megamind fan theories, however I believe it holds enough interest and has enough support to be well worth discussing.  There is a supposition which I frankly love: our favorite blue alien was an Overlord of sorts before he briefly took control of Metro City, and he had good reasons to be so.  That might sound a little crazy, but bear with me.

This idea has appeared in several fan fictions, and essentially goes as follows: Megamind was more than a supervillain; he was also a crime boss, and he chose that path for the most unlikely of reasons. Bizarre though it may seem, his primary drive was bettering Metro City.  (And, yes, I’m aware of how contradictory that sounds.)  However, it’s logical when considered more closely.  By making himself the de facto ruler of the city’s underbelly, Megamind was able to control crime to an extent, probably even setting limits on certain activities, and guidelines for others.  In the majority of fan fictions using this concept, that includs things like reducing violent crime, setting purity standards and purchase limits for narcotics, and ensuring sex workers were neither underage nor abused.

I’ll be the first to admit that, on the surface at least, this seems like nothing more than fans seeking to justify or even moralize a beloved character, but research reveals that there is actually some support for this theory.  Firstly, there is the fact, touched upon previously in the Fan Theory post concerning the Warden, that Megamind was clearly already establishing control over other criminals at a young age.  While writing a truly wonderful blog article, Demishock actually went through the trouble of deciphering the newspaper clipping shown at the beginning of the film’s title sequence.  It contains, among other things, a reference to the fact that, although an elementary school age child, Megamind was feared and obeyed by other inmates at the prison where he grew up.  A quote from the Warden reads: “I've got experienced, hardened criminals in here who are afraid of him.” The article goes on to mention an incident which involved a few other inmates, adding that “the other prisoners refused to point fingers for fear of retaliation.”

It is quite possible that Megamind was already building and consolidating a base of power.

Next, there is the fact that the blue man seems to have lines he won’t cross, even as the self-proclaimed Evil Overlord. In one of the storyboards, when Megamind is approached by the Doom Syndicate, he clearly holds them in disdain, yet they are careful to placate him.  Obviously they have somewhat different standards.  When Agent Orange—who was later reimagined as Psycho-Delic before being cut from the film entirely—compares Megamind’s “inspirational” defeat of Metro Man to “a car crash on prom night,” the blue alien looks rather disgusted. Although they refer to celebrating his victory, it also seems the Doom Syndicate may be indirectly asking Megamind’s permission to go on a crime spree. While this may be because he is the new Overlord, it seems odd that other villains would immediately leap to the assumption such approval is necessary if they were accustomed to acting on their own. However, if they were already in the habit of requesting the blue alien’s sanction, their actions make more sense.

Whatever the case, it seems that, once again, Megamind and the Doom Syndicate may have very different ideas of what sorts of crimes are acceptable. The Destruction Worker refers to “really putting the screws to the city,” while Agent Orange adds his desire to “swim in the torment of the innocent.”  However, these suggestions don’t seem to match what we actually see Megamind doing.  In the movie, Megamind does, indeed, go on a crime spree, but none of it appears to be violent.  He certainly causes chaos, but no one seems to ever be injured.  In fact, in the DVD commentary, one of the creators even states outright that the supervillain never goes beyond vandalism and theft because he doesn’t really want to hurt anybody.  (Indeed, in the film it rather seems that, by being raised in jail, bullied, and constantly rejected, Megamind was pushed into supervillainy.) This, together with the previous evidence, paints an image of a man who has been forced to do some harsh things, but who nonetheless dislikes violence and, deep down, possesses a certain moral code, albeit a skewed one.  

There are, in fact, several other details that point toward Megamind being far from truly evil despite being a supervillain.  As I mentioned in Megamind and Identity, he displays several redeeming qualities, such as his largely friendly treatment of Minion, his respect for Roxanne’s intelligence, and his playful, affectionate game of fetch with the brainbots.  However, I won’t go into a long explanation about that here as it can be found in the aforementioned post.

Nonetheless, I don’t believe we can seriously expect that the former villain has never once hurt anyone in his life.  Keep in mind that, as discussed in the post How Strong is Megamind, the blue alien almost certainly had to fight in order to survive.  However, his unwillingness to attack citizens suggests that he only injured others when it was absolutely necessary.  Similarly, the aforementioned “news article” indicates that he may have limited his physically aggressive responses to other criminals only. (After all, the reference to prison inmates fearing him is the sole evidence of possible violence we have.)  I have seen it suggested here on Tumblr that he may have taken over Metro City in part because he believed that, if he didn’t, someone worse like the Doom Syndicate would.  It may even be possible that he was afraid of appearing soft and thus losing control over the criminal underworld.  

Of course, it has to be mentioned here that Megamind also fought with Metro Man, who certainly wasn’t a criminal.  However, there are two factors that I believe need to be considered.  The first is that it is very likely that Megamind didn’t expect he could truly harm his nemesis. This is evidenced by both the his apparent shock when Metro Man seems to actually be dead, and by his overt statement during the museum scene that he “didn’t think it would really work.”  The second is that, as young Metro Man was a bully, tormenting Megamind without provocation and encouraging other children to do the same, Megamind may have mentally placed him in the bad guy/threat category.

His lack of violence is not the only proof that Megamind had a better heart than most credited him for even when he was a supervillain. Keep in mind that he had a holographic disguise watch and a hoverbike.  Presumably, Megamind could have simply fled Metro City when Titan turned evil, but he didn’t.  Instead he went to Roxanne for help, stating that if they could not find the new villain’s weakness Titan would “destroy the whole city.”  And this was after Titan had tried to kill him.  Clearly, despite being a supervillain, Megamind cared enough about his home town to put his life in danger.

The final support for the Benevolent Overlord theory is less obvious: Megamind had to have been getting funds from somewhere even when Metro Man was still functioning as the Defender of Metro City. (Indeed, in some of the early concept art, the Evil Lair was imagined as a luxurious space boasting things like a huge library and a sleek laboratory.  Some fans still picture the living quarters in much the same way despite the creators stating that he built his inventions from whatever he could get his hands on.)  Near the beginning of the movie, Minion mentions a supplier in Romania, and presumably he and Megamind had to be getting food and other necessities somehow.  While it’s true that the blue villain was clearly not above thievery, we also know that his plots were always defeated by Metro Man, so it’s safe to assume that he rarely if ever got away with stealing anything before the former hero’s supposed “death.”  Of course, it also seems extremely unlikely, even laughable, that Megamind would have had a day job.  Where, then, did the money come from?  Many fans theorize that, as the local crime boss, he received a cut from all illegal activity. It certainly seems like the most probable explanation.  

Art by Kory Heinzen, found in The Art of Megamind by Richard von Busack

So why would Megamind build his technology and machines largely from scrap if he had a constant cash flow?  Given his concern for the city, several fan fictions have imagined the blue man secretly and anonymously donating a significant portion of his ill-gotten money to various charities and non-profits.  That idea is not directly supported by any evidence, but it does fit with what we know.  It’s also consistent with Megamind’s character: a feared supervillain who possesses a surprisingly good heart and, given his past, knows too well what it’s like to be thrown away by society.

So, was Megamind a crime boss as well as a supervillain?  Did he use that position to secretly better life in Metro City?  If so, is he still doing that now that he is the Defender of Metro City, thus curbing criminal activity from within as well as fighting it from without? (For the record, given that there is no apparent gang war happening during The Button of Doom, I would propose that the answer to the last question may be yes.)  These are certainly interesting ideas to consider, and the mere fact that this animated film offers enough details to argue the point is a testament to just how well-constructed the movie is.  I consider it yet more proof that the film Megamind is truly an underrated masterpiece.

[nautiscarader]

Headcanon Game - A to Z version 2 (NSFW)

Hi there! 

So, for a few years, I have been asking people to send me question about their OTPs and OT3s with topics from an alphabetical list made by @fairy-tail-babes. However, after said years, some of the questions got a bit repetitive, so me and lovely @noblesnook sat one evening across the internets and came up with a new alphabet challenge, trying to, if possible, invent some new questions.  

The rules are the same as before: send me a character or a couple (or more) and letters, and I will try to answer them! 

A - Acrobatics - How bendy can they get in bed? What is their favourite position? B - Bliss -  How big is the “big o” for them? How easy it is to bring them to it?  C - Control -  How dominant they are? Who is more dominant? D - Dedication - To what extent are they willing to go to make the night perfect? E - Experiment - Are they eager to try new things in bed, or do they prefer more traditional love-making? F - Film - Have they ever documented their bedroom activities? G - Gooey - Anything related to messier aspect of sex, including cum H - Horny - How easily aroused that person is, and what drives them crazy? I - Innuendo - How good is their dirty talk game? J - Jungle - How well groomed is their carpet, etc.?  K - Kiss - How are they skilled with their mouths? Tongue, or not? And how often do they kiss anything but lips? L - Libido - How long can they go? M - Moan - How vocal are they in the bedroom (or elsewhere)? Do they turn to mush, or keep up the talk? N - Nature - Have they ever thought about having sex outside, or doing other inappropriate things there?  O - Oscar - Do they enjoy role-playing?  P - Protection/Procreation - How careful are they? Have they had any accidents? How eager are they to start a family? Q - Quirk - Does their love-making have any unique elements? R - Random - Any random fact about them.  S - Strip - What goes underneath their clothes? T - Tempo - What’s their pacing like? Are they casual or more intimate? U - Urge - How often does the desire to have sex strike them? What happens then? V - Virginity - How was that person/these people’s first time? W - Wish - What’s one of their wildest fantasies? X - eXtra - Are they willing to bring extra people into the bedroom? And who that would be? Y - Yoyo - What does their toy collection look like? Z - Zoinks - Have they ever been caught/compromised? How did they react?

[witchvspatriarchy]

Goo Hara's story is one of the most tragic and rough in kpop history. And in light of the recent events, I'd like to share it.

It's pretty possible that most of you (ppl who weren't around for 2nd generation prime) dont know Goo Hara or her legendary group KARA. The group was among the top three girl groups nation wise, and number one in Japan.

But when KARA debuted it wasn't very popular, so when one member left, the company saw the opportunity to revamp the group and they added two new members. One of those was Goo Hara. She was introduced as main dancer and visual.

Hara's integration helped the group. Her innocent beauty in contrast to an effortless sex appeal caused men and women, children and adults, to fall in love with the idol, and this new fandom catapulted the group. Even though before debut she already had many fans, she already had antis too. A big portion of the original fandom rejected the integration of Hara. So from day one Hara had a strong individual fandom, but the group's fandom hated her.

Hara became the it girl of the moment, getting all the commercial contracts - this generated animosity from the fandom that questioned why she was the only one who was given the opportunities and why she did not participate in the commercial activities of the group. This did not weigh much on Hara at first, since she was somewhat accustomed to hate for no reason - in high school she was the victim of such extreme bullying that she had to change schools several times. She had the general public in her palms, so a portion of the fandom hating her was manageable.

But the love and support from the general public didn't last long, as netizens searched the internet to find something to destroy her and succeeded. They found Hara's teenage blog from before she was and idol, and in it they found photos of her in a hostel on her 17th birthday with her boyfriend at the time. They published them saying that Hara had had a romantic stay at the hostel and therefore she had sex while being a minor. And although the company denied it and Hara's friends said it had been a group trip, the netizens sought witnesses to support their accusations and thus began the gossip that Hara was promiscuous. This accusations gained notoriety when her relationship with Junhyun of B2ST became public. And so netizens invented her love affairs with many idols.

The situation reached a climax in Radio Star, when the MC asked KARA what topic they didn't want to talk about, to which Hara replied "dating." The three MCs started joking with Hara's promiscuity in a rather heavy way. And although it is well known that this type of image is harmful to an idol (mostly female idols) the MCs continued with the jokes. Hara tried to laugh it off but it was a comment from Kyuhyun that made her crack, being the gossip expert on the show, he said "if I said what I know, her career would be over." It was then that Hara threw him a bottle of juice playfully and then broke into tears. Hara was accused of being violent, unprofessional and disrespectful by netizens. And when one of the MCs came out in her defense and apologized for what they had done, the netizens said that "Hara's tantrums had forced him to apologize" and they hated her more.

Shortly after this, KARA disintegrated. But despite everything, Hara made a fortune as a commercial model. And there is nothing that netizens hate more than a successful, independent and wealthy woman. Especially if she achieves so despite public hate. And even more, if this successful, independent and wealthy woman is best friends with another successful, independent and wealthy woman (Sulli) that netizens also tried to destroy. And so, Goo Hara moved on with her life, even though the hate never stopped.

On September 4, 2018, Goo Hara (who is 1.64 and is so thin that she has been accused of being anorexic) was accused of beating her boyfriend. For the following week there were no signs of Hara, while the boyfriend appeared in the media several times a day giving interviews about it, and saying that she had gone crazy when he tried to end the relationship. He said he wasn't going to go public at first but when he got home he realized she had "disfigured" him and his face "is a big part of how he makes a living" (he's a hairdresser) so he decided to let everyone know the type of person she is. At some point the guy gave an interview in a hospital gown and connected to serum, despite having given interviews without these things several days before, and the hospital records shows he only had scratches. But despite being suspicious, the netizens did not need more, and cited what happened on radio star, her promiscuity and her friendship with Sulli as evidence of her violence and imbalance, and demanded jail time for Hara.

Time after that, Hara finally appeared on the media, which she had not done because she had been hospitalized due to the beating that the boyfriend (the alleged victim) gave her. Attack that damaged her internal organs to the degree of causing severe bleeding. Incidentally, there was damage to her intimate organs, so a rape is suspected, although it was never confirmed as such. And although Hara presented evidence and a witness, the netizens did not believe her, they said that she paid the witness and that, because she was promiscuous, her word had no worth. It was then that Dispatch revealed that the boyfriend had offered them the premise of the matter, then screenshots of the guy blackmailing Hara with an intimate video that he filmed against her will came to light. Just then the netizens decided to listen to her. The witness (Hara's roomie) came out to give her version of the facts: the guy had entered without permission with the access code and had woken Hara by kicking the bed. The witness and the messages proved that Hara had broke up with him and he wanted to blackmail her with the intimate video and threatened to end her career, Hara tried to take the video, and the guy beat her up. After that, he destroyed averything and anything he could find at the apartment, while Hara begged him not to publish the video. In the week that Hara was hospitalized the guy sent her threats and fragments of the video as blackmail.

For a while Hara had the empathy of the netizens, but the case was never resolved judicially, and the public eventually forgot what happened and attacked Hara again. This year Hara uploaded a photo to her social media for the first time, thanking the support she received in those difficult moments. And the netizens accused her of attention seeking, they said that if she was really hurt she shouldn't be on social media after what happened, and accused her of being unaware of the damage she caused her ex - who could no longer show his face in public. Soon she went to Japan to fulfill previous contracts and they accused her of fleeing, of indifference and said that what had happened hadn't been so serious if she was already working and she had made a big drama for nothing. Meanwhile the ex is active in social media and opened a new beauty salon, which was very successful. And as if that were not enough, the ex-boyfriend, Junghyun (B2ST) ended up entangled in the Seungri/Rising Sun scandal. And although it has been said that he was not an active participant beyond commenting on the videos that JJY sent, the netizens insisted that there were videos and intimate photos of Hara in the infamous chats.

After this, Hara uploaded a picture and netizens accused her of getting plastic surgery. Hara said that she had eyelid surgery for medical reasons and asked people to stop attacking her, but the netizens ignored and attacked her for the surgery.

May 25th 2019, Hara was found unconscious in her apartment. It was said it had been a suicide attempt. This incident, unlike others in the world of kpop, did not have a wave of positive and empathetic comments wishing her recovery, but the comments were insults, offenses and ridicule towards Hara. They even reproached her for her lack of success in committing suicide, accused her of faking it, said that the news were false to get attention and attacked her more than ever.

Soon after that Hara los her best friend.

This news were devastating but they were not a surprise, at least to me. I made a post about Sulli's passing asking people to support Hara, because I knew that she would be next. She had already tried. And she got hate for not succeeding.

A lot of the kpop fandom now wasn't around for most of the second generation mess. We had idols poisoned, attacked, and destroyed by netizens. There still are many idols victims of slave contracts and abuse but back then you saw the proof of those things regularly. With idols passing out and stuff.

Korea, specifically its treatment of celebrities is crap. Its inhuman. As international fans we should spread love for idols. And ask the companies to care for them, we should watch for their best interests as humans. What Hyuna and Edawn are doing, going on variety shows and doing photoshoots together as a couple is huge. What Mamamoo has been doing is huge. What Holland is doing is huge. Please support the idols who are actively fighting to change Koreas celebrity culture. ITS IMPORTANT.

And its important to know the stories of idols like Hara, Hangeng, T-ARA... because this idols were victims and where given nothing but hate. Hate that ended their careers or in Hara and Sulli's case, their lives. Hate kills. Haters kill. Not allowing people to live a plenty life, kills. Not allowing people to make mistakes, kills. I hope you read Hara's story and pay attention to female idols with a bad reputation, they're vulnerable in so many ways. And I hope that, in the future, when an idol survives a suicide attempt y'all wont ignore it like you did Hara.

REST IN PEACE🙏💔💔🙏

[orangepanic]

I saw this “100 OTP questions” by @the-moon-dust-writings and figured I'd procrastinate:

1. Who loves flower crowns more?

Neither of them really, but Asami might make Iroh wear one just to laugh at him.

2. Who is the one who likes to cuddle?

Iroh. Asami likes it, too, but he usually initiates.

3. Who has awful taste in music?

Honestly, both of them. Asami likes terrible dance music and Iroh likes obscure combinations of horns and bells and stuff from different cultures.

4. Who is the meme lover?

Asami thinks they’re funny. Iroh doesn’t quite understand.

5. How did their second date go?

Iroh tried to take Asami somewhere very fancy, but the wait was too long. They ended up making out in a shadowy doorway down the street and missing their reservation entirely. Iroh was mortified, but Asami dragged him around the corner to a low-key noodle shop that has since become their favorite restaurant.

6. How many children do they want/have?

Asami thinks about three. Iroh, as many as Asami will agree to.

7. Who hides the weapons?

Iroh hides weapons for Asami around the house so she’ll always have something on hand. In a drawer in the kitchen, on her nightstand, etc. He knows she can take care of herself… and he stashes weapons for her anyway. Asami rolls her eyes but secretly thinks it’s sweet.

8. Who is the better dancer?

Asami. She likes dancing, and learned formal dancing in school. Iroh can’t dance at all, having skipped out on all his lessons as a child after bribing his instructor. He thought dancing is boring, but likes dancing with Asami and lets her lead.

9. Do/Did they have a theme wedding?

No. They quite deliberately have a very normal wedding, including cutting out a lot of the more stuffy Fire Nation customs because Iroh doesn’t want Asami to feel out of place not having any family present.

10. What do their parents think of them dating?

Hiroshi Sato is livid, and actually tried to have Iroh assassinated from prison. His little girl, marry a firebender? A prince of the firebenders? Iroh’s parents are more accepting. Izumi initially thinks Asami is too young and gives Iroh a hard time about how quickly he got serious, but quickly comes around when it’s clear Asami is very mature for her age. Within a year Iroh’s parents are both hounding him on when he’ll make it official.

11. Are they a super sappy couple?

They are that couple everybody hates.

12. How did they get together?

They meet during the Equalist revolution, but don’t get together until long after. Iroh has a crush on Asami almost immediately, but spends forever sitting on it thinking it wasn’t the right time and trying to be friends until one day he just kind of slips up and kisses her. She kisses him back. It turns out Asami liked him, too, but she isn’t great at reading people and had no idea he was interested.

13. Who asked the other to get married?

Iroh just kind of blurts it out one day.

14. Who stays up too late and makes stupid jokes?

Asami is the night owl. Iroh makes the bad jokes.

15. Who is the nerd?

Oh my god, both of them. Asami is more of the classic nerd. Iroh is more of a dork.

16. Who knows the most obscure facts?

Iroh.

17. Who makes the other a flower crown?

Two questions about flower crowns out of 100?? Changing this to who is more dominant in bed. Asami.

18. Who likes to read?

Iroh. They both do, but he’s much more into it.

19. Who bothers the other person while the other person reads?

Asami. She has the shorter attention span.

20. Who tutors the other?

They both would in different subjects. Asami is better at math, physics, etc. Iroh is better at philosophy and languages.

21. Do they have similar taste in movies?

No. Asami likes gory slasher films and lots of action. Iroh scoffs and thinks they’re dumb. Asami, in turn, thinks his period dramas can be kind of boring, and refuses to count documentaries as movies. But there’s a healthy overlap in things like Vikings and Game of Thrones.

22. How do their personalities complement each other?

Asami helps Iroh lighten up a bit, drawing him out of his shell, and gives him an anchor and a sense of home. She’s more social than he is, and a lot of her friends eventually become his. But she’s also quiet enough and serious enough that she doesn’t tire him out and can feed his need for downtime. Iroh, in turn, loves seldom but deeply, and gives Asami the kind of fierce, unconditional love and stability she needs. He’s also genuinely interested in her projects, is smart enough to follow most of it, and is one of the only people who can occasionally beat her in Pai Sho. They have a lot of fun together just being nerds.

23. How do they tell everyone that they are going to be having a kid/adopting a child soon?

They don’t have to tell anybody. It’s all over Iroh’s face like a big neon sign.

24. Who has better fashion sense?

Asami, but not by much. She’s more up to date with trends, while Iroh’s style is clean and classic.

25. Who will punch someone out if they are rude to their partner?

Hoo boy, both of them. Do not go there.

26. What songs do they sing together in the vehicle?

Neither of them sing in the satomobile. Iroh has a decent voice, but he’s a bit private about it. Asami mostly hums.

27. What other couple would your otp get along with?

Iroh quickly becomes BFFs with Bolin. Asami and Opal aren’t quite as close, but they like each other’s company and have fun as a foursome. They also get along quite well with Pema and Tenzin.

28. Who likes to prank the other?

Iroh tries more often. Asami’s pranks are more successful.

29. Who is the one who loves to take pictures?

Iroh, though generally Korra is the picture taker in the group.

30. How would they react if they found out they were soul mates?

Iroh raises an eyebrow. “Hmm.” Asami only shrugs. They both already knew that.

31. Where would they live?

They like Republic City and decide to stay downtown, first in an apartment and eventually a larger townhouse.

32. What type of dragon would they own, if they could have one?

Whichever one Iroh made friends with. Asami is a bit wary of animals and would need him to convince her it was safe.

33. If they were both vampires, what type of vampires would they be?

The kind that live in a beautiful house with perfect collections that took hundreds of years to make. Iroh has first editions of everything in a giant library, arranged in a complex system only he understands. He’s working on his 14th language. Asami has invented artificial blood and doesn’t miss sunburns. Occasionally she’ll throw one of those big fancy vampire balls just so they can both get dressed up. They’re pretty happy.

34. What would they dress up as, for Halloween?

They once went as Lady Tienhai and the last king of Mo Ce because picking something obscure and historical was the only way to get Iroh into a costume.

35. Can they name each other’s favourite food?

Kind of. They are both really into food, so picking a favorite is hard. But if the question is can they order for one another, absolutely.

36. Do they have pet names for one another?

Asami sometimes calls Iroh “General Hotstuff” when she’s teasing. Iroh sometimes calls Asami “sex pretzel” when he’s 1000% sure they are alone.

37. How do they cheer each other up?

Asami is more of a gift giver. She’ll show up with Iroh’s favorite take-out or make him something in her workshop—anything to make him feel special and valued. Iroh is all about quality time, and will swing by Asami’s office to haul her out on surprise dates. He also gives great hugs.

38. Do they show a lot of PDA?

No. Iroh is very uncomfortable with PDA, especially when he’s in uniform. Asami follows his lead.

39. How old were they when they got together?

Asami was 19-20, Iroh 24-25.

40. Who is the one that would bring the puppy home?

Iroh, 100%. He’s such a sucker.

41. Can they do yoga couple’s poses?

Yes, though Asami is the only one who really tries.

42. What is their song?

They don’t really have one.

43. What does their room look like?

Asami moved in with Iroh, so it’s very basic. White walls, perfectly made bed, a neatly organized desk in the far corner by the window. He’s a total minimalist, having spent most of his adult life on a ship. Asami added a very fluffy comforter in *gasp* a color and lots of pillows.

44. Who would be the one to kill zombies while the other keeps them grounded?

They’d take turns, and at some point Asami would turn it into a contest.

45. Who makes the other breakfast in bed?

Iroh. Asami is a terrible cook.

46. Who loves kids more?

Iroh.

47. Do either of them have a crazy ex?

Not crazy, but Iroh and his ex are not on good terms. He doesn’t like to talk about it.

48. What are their favourite colours?

Asami, purple. Iroh, black. He gets annoyed when people get him so much red stuff.

49. Who likes to cook?

Iroh. He fired Asami from the kitchen, something they are both grateful for.

50. Who is the forgetful one?

Asami.

51. Does either of them know how to fight?

Have you met these people?

52. What do they do for Valentines Day?

Iroh would probably plan something elaborate for them to go out. Asami would plan something sexy for when they got home.

53. Who swears more?

Asami, at least out loud. Iroh mostly swears under his breath.

54. Who has the better comebacks?

Asami. It’s not even close.

55. Who would start a fight with another parent at a bake sale?

Probably Asami, unless it was about the kids. If anyone comes for Iroh’s kids, they’d better hide.

56. Who reads buzzfeed?

Asami.

57. Who is the hopeless romantic?

Iroh, hands down.

58. Do either of them know how to do a handstand?

Asami can manage it.

59. Who can rap better?

Asami, though Iroh is the only one who actually listens to rap.

60. Do either of them want to go sky diving?

Asami would love to. Iroh laughs. “Been there.”

61. What do they usually text about?

Some version of “I miss you” or random pictures of stuff. They generally only text when Iroh is away as they’re both busy during the day.

62. Who is the dramatic one?

Asami has a shorter fuse. Iroh is more ridiculous when he loses his shit.

63. Is either one confrontational?

Not really.

64. What is their favourite cuddle position?

Asami will lay on top of Iroh on the couch like a sandwich. It’s the only position she seems to be able to nap in.

65. Who are their favourite musical artist(s)?”

See above about terrible taste in music.

66. What are their parenting styles?

Iroh covers a lot of the basics. He sets a schedule, makes lunches, tells bedtime stories, is more likely to help with the homework. Asami is the one who gets them around and does most of the interacting with teachers, other parents, etc. They share things fairly equally.

67. Who would be the more laid back one?

Iroh.

68. Who listens to more vulgar music?

Asami.

69. Do either of them have secrets even the other doesn’t know?

Yes. Asami can be secretive about some of her projects, both out of an abundance of caution but also because she likes a big reveal. Iroh keeps some past relationship stuff close, and will occasionally read a steamy romance novel for “tips.”

70. Who is their go to couple for a double date?

Bolin and Opal

71. Do they tip the waiter/waitress on their date?

Iroh tips very well.

72. How do they work out a fight?

Asami yells. Iroh yells back. One of them storms off. The other one waits about half an hour then goes to find them, usually with an offering of food. There are hugs. Somebody cries. Then they finally talk it out before falling asleep together.

73. Who brings home an illegal pet?

Asami. She is less likely to have a pet, but if she does, it’s going to be a weird one.

74. What side of the bed do each of them sleep on?

Iroh is on the side by the window because he likes to get up with the sun.

75. What is their favorite photo of them two together?

There’s a photo Korra took at the beach where Iroh has Asami thrown over his shoulder right before dunking her in the water. This is the picture he takes with him when he’s deployed.

76. Who takes longer in the bathroom?

Asami.

77. Who has more songs on their ipod?

Iroh. If you can call them songs.

78. What movie did they first see together?

Iroh took her to Last Days of the Sun Warriors. She fell asleep. He said the book was better.

79. What do they like to see each other in?

Asami thinks Iroh’s butt looks great in jeans. Iroh got Asami a red silk robe from the Fire Nation and likes to see it fall off.

80. Who makes jokes during inappropriate times?

Iroh.

81. At what age do they discuss the possibility of children?

Mid-20s, though they don’t have them until a little later.

82. What do they love about each other the most?

Iroh likes that Asami is tough and smart and a problem-solver. Asami likes that Iroh is kind and brave and has a strong moral compass.

83. Who is the one that sees the big picture, while the other focus’s on the small details?

They are both big picture people, which is sometimes a problem. Of the two, Asami is probably better at details, but she’s also forgetful.

84. What would they write on their partner’s social media’s for their anniversary?

Asami would probably put up a picture of them and say something brief but sweet. Iroh doesn’t really understand social media and would just paste a heart-eyes emoji.

85. Who is bad at math?

Iroh. He’s not bad, per se, but Asami is very, very good.

86. Who googles everything?

Asami.

87. Who does stuff on impulse?

Both of them in different ways. Asami is generally more flexible. Iroh usually has a plan but makes big decisions completely off the cuff.

88. How do they comfort each other when they are helpless to do anything about the situation?

Lots of physical touch. Iroh will kind of just wrap himself around her in one giant, whole body hug. Asami will spend some time cursing out whomever is causing the issue, then let him lay his head in her lap and give Iroh a good head scratch or massage.

89. What is an inside joke they have?

There was one time they had sex in Asami’s office at Future Industries, so occasionally she’ll drop things like, “feel like coming by the office?” with a suggestive eyebrow waggle. Iroh is, predictably, very embarrassed. Also interested.

90. Who makes the other smile with almost no effort at all?

Asami: *exists* Iroh: *smiles*

91. What is their favourite holiday?

New Years is a big deal in the Fire Nation. Iroh loves his family and likes going home, and Asami has grown to love it almost as much.

92. Who is the one that is calm and collected while the other is angry and destructive?

They take turns. Both of them can have quite a temper when pushed too hard.

93. What is their favourite board game to play?

They’re both big Pai Sho fans, but can get into any kind of strategy game. Nobody really likes to play them though, they're too good.

94. Who accidentally sets something on fire?

Asami. Iroh hasn’t had a fire accident since he was four.

95. Who has the car ready while the other is robbing the store?

Asami. She’d rob the store, too, but no way is she letting Iroh drive.

96. What artist/group did they go to for their first concert?

Iroh booked a private box at the Republic City Opera, thinking that was an impressive thing he should do on a date. It turns out neither of them like opera, and by the end they were both making fun of it.

97. Who sleep talks?

Asami. Iroh thinks it’s funny.

98. Who is the more social one?

Asami, by a long shot.

99. What are their karaoke songs?

Neither of them would really sing karaoke, but Iroh cannot hold his liquor like at all so if he ever got really plastered Asami might be able to drag him up there. By which point he’d be too far gone to have an opinion on the song and would sing just about anything.

100. Who would get up on stage and make a fool of themselves just to make the other laugh?

Asami.

[kathyprior4200]

Welcome to Wacky Wally Wackford’s World!

Greetings, I say, greetings demons of all ages! The name’s Wally Wackford, an oh so suave man of business! You may not know me, but surely you’ve seen me…pretty much everywhere. Yes, I’ve never been the type to stay in one place for long. Life can be pretty wild at times. But that’s what makes it oh so fun!

 So what’s my story, you say, you say? Well look no further, ‘cause I have a tale to tell.

 I’ve been doing freelance work off and on, laboring at one job, moving onto the next. The jobs vary a lot, but I’m a Wally of many trades. (Yes, I’ve been fired many times as well, figuratively and literally…it is Hell after all.) Early on, I found out that living in poverty is never a lot of fun. I quickly learned how to scam other people…and boy did I enjoy it! It was the only way I could inch toward the top, get some power of my own. I’d make a few deals here and there and then when clients got desperate, I’d say something like, “Oh I’m so sorry but there’s an extra fee you have to pay. Forgot to mention that.” Then I’d point to that small scribbled section on the contract I added in moments ago.

 “I’m starving, sir!” they’d say. Or, “I left my money at home,” or my favorite: “Shove it up your trickster rear!”

 Sometimes they did pay me extra. Other times they didn’t…and those were the ones who soon forgot about everything forever. (chuckles).

 Anyway, moving on.

 Sometimes when my days got long and hard, I’d go to saloons for a nice bottled drink. The emerald colored Greed Mead is my favorite. Twirling my thin black mustache, I’d wink at some pretty imp gals nearby and say, “Hey there. You’ve been in Hell for a long time. Is that why you’re so hot?”

 Most of the time, I’d get a swift punch to the face in response. The glares on their pretty faces, “Take that remark to the Sloth Ring, lazy bootleg fucker.”

 So many aggressive people these days. I could tip my black hat to many imps and they’d either fall to my charms or roll their eyes. I was fine with that. There’s not much else to do in Hell then to live your life and amuse yourself with watching others struggle. In fact, pretty much every sin is encouraged, so why not keep going?

 After stalking around looking for more people to scam, I came across Loo-Loo Land in the Ring of Greed. I’ve always loved that place, its vibrant atmosphere emitting joyful fun and chaotic flair. I walked on over and asked the vendor, “I say, you have any jobs here?”

 “I’ve heard of you, Wacky Wally,” he said at the ticket stand. “You may be a good pick-pocket, but your skills are nothing compared to Mammon. In fact, this whole place is a fucking rip-off of Lucifer’s Lu-Lu Land!”

 “All the more reason to love this place!” I exclaimed.

 “Robo Fizz is putting on another show at 7pm tomorrow,” said the beefy imp vendor. “Made in Mammon’s factory and modeled after the famous imp Fizzarolli.” He then spoke in a low whisper, “It includes some behind the scenes moments for the VIPs…you know, with tentacles and ‘special features.’”

 “Oh that sounds delicious!” I said with a slow grin. “It’d be great to see how his…mechanics work someday…”

 The imp vendor rolled his eyes and flinched at my lighthearted comment. Always know what to say to get that grimace reaction.

 “Anyway,” said the vendor, “We’re running low on staff, so you can go sell those torches over there.”

 The imp pointed to a pink cart with Mammon’s jester face on it. I shrugged and got to work.

 I happily rolled my cart around, selling torches wherever I went. I could honestly stare into those mesmerizing green flames all day.

 “Torches here!” I drawled in my Foghorn Leghorn southern accent. “66% off when you buy four! Parties, decoration, destruction and more!”

 One time on my break, I got to talk to Robo Fizz about money, shows, sex and chaos. We even cracked some jokes together. The robot seemed a little nervous in my presence but then again, he was very unpredictable on a daily basis.

 “A duck, a frog, a demon and a skunk go into a bar. The bartender told them that the drinks were one dollar each. How did they pay for them? Answer: The duck had a bill, the frog had a greenback, the demon had a soul…but the skunk only had a scent!”

 “Hahahaha!” Robo Fizz laughed, sparks flying near him. “Your jokes are much better than Blitzo’s corny puns!”

 “Why thank you,” I replied. “But nothing beats your organ-playing animatronics in your ‘Wonderful World of Evil’ puppet show you did last month.”

 Robo Fizz grinned at the compliment. “You do anything else besides selling torches?”

 “I scam, I kill, I do a little bit of both. Oh and I’m also a great inventor!”

 “How marvelous!” Robo Fizz grinned. “Perhaps if you have enough mayhem in you, you could perform with me at the next Fizzarolli N Friends show!”

 “I say, I’d love that! I’m sure your show will be top notch, copyright be dammed…won’t it?”

 Robo Fizz smiled widely, hiding a strain. “You bet it will!”

 It was during one interesting day when I pushed my cart by a large tent where several Robo Fizz posters were posted. I held up a troch with a hand and called:

 “Torches, I say! I say! Get your inconvenient torches here!”

 Then before I knew it, the robot and a random imp crashed right into the cart.

 “Ow, I say OW!” I cried as the green flames quickly spread around. After getting the flames off me, I ran for the hills out of the burning park. I sat, dejected shortly afterward. So much for that job. Along with figuring out what to do next, I also happened to watch the imp fight off Robo Fizz…and the robot falling into the dragon’s mouth.

 How unfortunate.

 After helping Robo Fizz from the dragon’s insides, (killing said dragon, pulling out said robot, cleaning and making quick repairs), I inched closer to him and said, “You made some new friends, I say.”

 Robo Fizz stood tense with just long wires for his body, a metal skeleton of his previous appearance. “Yes…an old time co-worker of mine. A clown of an imp named Blitzo. He and his sisters were once part of a circus act called “The Amazing Imp Siblings. A bit dowdy if you ask me. ”

 Robo Fizz looked around. “Hahahaha! That was some chaotic fun. But now the park is ruined!”

 “I say, if I were you,” I told him, “I’d do all I could to get this park repaired and back on track. Costs a whole lotta money. The last thing you need is to have your boss disappointed in you.”

 A brief look of fear came on his face. “Oh yes, yes, good idea, Wally.”

 “And your friend…whether you upstage him or what, you’d best be sure Blitzo stays out of trouble. I lost my job and almost my life because of that fight!” My yellow eyes shined in a show of sadness.

 “I-I will not let master Mammon down…not that I have a choice.”

 “Let Asmodeus know what’s up as well.”

 Robo Fizz nodded, spun away and laughed. “Time to find that rodeo clown imp!”

0 0 0

 Later on after leaving Greed, I got a brilliant idea. It was after I saw some old fashioned 1800s snake man in Pride plow down buildings with a metal bulldozer vehicle. That was it! I could start my own business!

 I walked over to 666 News station. “Oh Katie,” I said in my sweetest voice.

 “What is it, scum?” she asked, sitting at a mirror and doing her hair. “Can’t you see I’m preparing for a back to back broadcast right now?”

 “I was considering doing my very own commercial about me exploiting…erm, employing other demons for my new factory.”

 Katie barked out a laugh. “Good luck with that, filthy old man! Now get out of my studio.”

 “Very well,” I said. As quiet as a hell mouse, I snatched a camera with an eye at the center and made my way out the door. The rest of the materials I needed came from a nearby junkyard. (Thankfully I avoided the wrath of some hungry kangaroo parasitic queen demon). I was running out of money fast; with no job around the corner, I figured I’d start my own!

 Even I don’t really know where I got my inventing skills from. Many say it was my natural trait. Others say I learned from other experts in the trade. After all, one of the quickset ways to a man’s wallet is through the latest technology.

 But I, Wally Wackford would not settle for your standard modern devices. No. I preferred to make things…well, wacky.

 In no time at all, I had built myself my own mini studio where I could film my commercial! Now, what to call my company? Hmm…

  The Onceler One In a Lifetime Opportunity? No, not enough Ws.

 Wowing Whimsical Wonderous Wonders? Nah, too many Ws.

 Ah…of course! What is a company if you don’t have your name on it?

0 0 0

“Uh huh, keep going, keep going, keep going!” Blitzo insisted at the I.M.P. office.

 Moxxie switched the channel again. This time, an imp appeared wearing a large black top hat, a white shirt and pants, gray vest, black bow tie and black boots. He held a cane in his hands and he also had a thin curly mustache. A mischievous grin of sharp teeth appeared on his face.

 “I say, I say!” the imp exclaimed, briefly pointing his cane at the camera. “Are you looking to get work making crazy contraptions and goofy gadgets?” “Crazy Contraptions” and “Goofy Gadgets” appeared in bold spiked icons to the imp’s left and right. The imp twirled his cane.

 “Well call me at Wacky Wally Wackford’s Wacky Idea ‘Factory!’”

 He pulled down another screen. The title appeared in bold red, gray and white letters surrounded by pinkish circles reminiscent of classic cartoons. “Factory” appeared in quotations. Wally Wackford appeared again.

 “Where you make the things and I make the money!”

 Wally Wackford then got up closer to the camera with a pleading look. “Please, I’m very desperate!”

 “Bingo!” Blitzo called, shooting and exploding the TV again.

 0 0 0

 It was actually really easy to find where Blitzo was and the new sinner inventors. The killing company of imps had me very curious. If they could start a business, why shouldn’t I? And being in the company of amazing inventors…

 I could almost see the soul dollar bills floating into my hands.

 I snuck up to the building, merged into the floor, eavesdropped on their fascinating conversation…

  0 0 0

Crash!

 A metal plank crashed into the room from above as Moxxie scurried out of the way. Loopty Goopty strolled down the plank. “Blitz!”

 “Loofa!” Blitzo called, saying his name wrong. “We can explain everything. I was…”

 Crash!

 Millie pulled Moxxie out of the way before another metal plank landed in the spot where he would’ve been. From on the floor, Blitzo’s butt was very much in view. Blitzo glanced down at him and remarked, “Oh chill out Moxxie, if you kiss my ass any harder you’ll go right inside me.”

 Moxxie turned beet red in the face and scooted further back. Millie helped him up again.  

 “Thanks for saving me again,” Moxxie said. “I would’ve foamed at the mouth and maybe died again.”

 “Why would you think I would ever ignore you?”

 Moxxie shrugged.

 Just then, the demonic form of a man rolled down the plank. His body was black and spherical, with a mint green head wearing a black bowler hat on top. He had a large bushy light gray mustache and pince-nez goggles with dark red spirals on the lens like Loopty. His grinning teeth resembled piano keys.

 “Lyle Lipton?!” Millie, Moxxie, and Blitzo asked in unison.

 “I don’t understand,” said Millie. “We thought you went to Heaven.”

 Lyle Lipton chuckled. “Heaven?” He rolled toward Loopty Goopty. “You don’t make millions in technological advances in robotics by not experimenting on the poor!” He laughed.

 Loopy Goopty grinned as he unleashed his weapons in front of Lyle Lipton. “Finally! We meet again at last! Now that you’re dead, you have no money to keep from me!”

 “Well, I’m a better inventor than you!” Lyle scoffed. “And I’ll make the most money here first!”

 “Nonsense you no good son of a bitch!”

 “Tie yourself in a knot, loony Loopty!”

 “Roll in your grave, fat shit inventor!”

 “Two robotic inventors?!” called a nearby voice. A steampunk blimp hovered in the air and a well-dressed snake demon appeared from a hole in his ship.

 “Who is that guy?” Lyle Lipton asked.

 “I’m the one and only Sir Pentious!” he declared. Several Egg Bois were steering his ship. The eye on his dark top hat peered at the other sinners in curiosity. “With my dominating machines, I aim to take over all of Pentagram City!” Then he muttered, “The repairs were a fucking nightmare to endure.” He glanced at the leftover cracks and holes on the metal sides of his ship.

 “Oooh!” Loopty exclaimed in admiration. “I’ve only seen such inventions in old time history books. How long have you been here?”

 “Since eighteen eighty eight!”

 “Love the loopy numbers!” Loopty grinned, making three small eights with his contraptions. “I’m Loopty Goopty! Lyle is my could’ve been partner in crime but actually rival!”

 “When you’re rich as me, who needs a dead partner!” Lyle exclaimed.

 “You’re dead too, you know!”

 “Where did you cowardly sinners get here?” Sir Pentious asked.

 “Well we just got here,” Lyle called. “Experimenting on the poor made us millionaires! Just…be careful when messing with anti-aging machines. Made us both old.”

 “A machine that changes one’s age?” Sir Pentious pondered. “That could prove to be ussseful in the future,” he hissed.

 “Oh, you should join us, snake man!” Loopy suggested. “Or me, rather.”

 Sir Pentious briefly glared. “Hmm. While I’m perfectly capable of spreading my constrictive terror on my own…I suppose having some…lackey sidekicks would suffice.”

 “Don’t call us lackeys!” Lyle sneered. “And I’m not working with him!”

 “Maybe if we briefly collaborate as a team…”

 Lyle grumbled in annoyance.

 After a moment, Sir Pentious sighed. “Okay, you may join me, but…”

 He spread out his hood, revealing pink eyes. “Don’t even think about crossssing me.” He pulled his hood back. “Now go gather your contraptions and help me manage those scrambled fucking eggs!”

 A bunch of eggs in top hats and suits rolled out and jumped on the two inventors, who were stunned.

 Loopty then laughed evilly. “Inventors to inventors it is!”

 Just then, I popped out of the ground in the room.

  “Did someone say, I say inventors?! Name’s Wally Wackford, and I am lookin’ for creative new people to exploit! I mean employ.” I twirled my mustache with an evil grin.

 At last, a chance to expand my business of the mass production of robotic Fizzarollis! All of Hell will go crazy when they get a chance to buy all the sex robots, the merchandise, everything...and all to profit ME!

 “Everyone, stop fucking up my walls!” Blitzo yelled. “Moxxie’s gonna have to fix all this shit! Satan’s balls! First we deal with Heaven’s table-scraps, now this?”

 I smiled. “Well I guess you can say, you say, you have a holey operation here, Blitzo!”

 I slapped my knee and laughed at my own joke.

 “Get out,” Blitzo muttered.

 Soon I doubled down on the floor laughing. “Oh! I said, ‘o’!”

 Blitzo yelled, “No, I’m serious, get the fuck out!”

 Everyone in the room looked at Blitzo in shock and surprise.

0 0 0

 And then, that one other time where I helped host the Harvest Moon Festival Pain Games!

 Wally Wackford a.k.a. me…stood on the wooden stage, holding a gray microphone decorated with an eye in the center and small horns on the top. I wore my usual white shirt, vest, white pants and dark boots. I twirled my black cane and tipped my black top hat.

 I spoke dramatically through the microphone.

 “Welcome, I say welcome all to Wrath Ring’s annual Harvest Moon Festival! To kick things up, we have the great prince Stolas-a here to user in this here Pain Games!”

 Stolas took the microphone from me and chuckled in slight embarrassment.

“How kind, Wackford.”

 Stolas then addressed the audience. “Greetings tiny Wrath Ring imps. I hereby welcome you all to another year of celebrating the spoils of your labor that continue to feed the citizens of Hell!”

 A crowd of imps glared at him and several boos were heard. Many of these Wrath imps were impoverished farmers who lived on scraps, meat or good crops if they were lucky. The food they worked so hard to produce was consumed by royalty and those in the other Rings. But the reward for their work was being underfed, underpaid and underappreciated instead. The unbalanced cycle had lasted for generations.

 I, too, stared at Stolas with a glare in my eyes. That rich royal thinks he can parade around, doing whatever he wants. Well unfortunately for him, I have plans of my own. Once he sees what I’m capable of…

 He will know who really rules the roost.

 Stolas obliviously continued. “I’m happy to kick off the start of these games that will challenge the toughest imps to show their skill and dominance.” He did a little wave with his fingers. “Good luck to you all!” He noticed Blitzo in the crowd beside Moxxie and Striker and spoke lower. “Especially that sexy little one there! Yoo-hoo, Blitzy!”

 “Oh fuck me,” Blitzo scowled.

 A gun went off and the games began.

 The first event was the race. Moxxie was instantly trampled by the other racers.

 The second event was the high jump. Striker climbed over the high wooden ramp structure with ease and raced after Blitzo who jumped past him. Moxxie struggled to keep his balanced as he reached the top. He slipped down, trying to use his claws to hold on. He fell with a splash in a small puddle…and was promptly chewed on by a monstrous black and white shark with several red eyes.

 The third event was an event with rope. Striker grinned as he held a tied up Blitzo. Blitzo’s arms, legs and horns were all tied up. Moxxie gulped as a stronger grinning imp tied him up with ease.

 The fourth event was tug of war. The crowd cheered as the two teams pulled hard. Striker, Blitzo and Moxxie were on a team. Moxxie stumbled and fell into nearby water, where the shark attacked him again.

 The fifth event was mud wrestling. Blitzo and Striker grinned as they wrestled each other, Striker getting the upper hand as he held Blitzo down, arms locked. Moxxie was instantly crushed in a football hurdle by a group of imps. As they got off of him, Moxxie sat up. And the shark leaped out of the water and over the fence.

 “Mother fucker!” Moxxie screamed as the shark crushed him. (Moxxie somehow survived all this.)

 I hopped back on stage.

 “I say, I say for the first year ever, we have a tie, for the winner of the Harvest Moon Pain Games!”

 Stolas took the microphone from me again.

 “The winners are…Striker, and my darling Blitzy!” Stolas did a one-legged pose as the crowd cheered.

 “Just say my name right!” Blitzo complained. He muttered “Fucking dick,” as he and Striker walked onto the stage.

0 0 0

After the event, I noticed that I.M.P. and Stolas had left. After sharing an undiscernible look with Striker, we parted ways.

 I soon returned to a special place in Greed, tired but determined. I walked alone down dark hallways, torches burning green flames on either side. I wagged my pointed red tail.

 I pushed open the double doors and came across a marvelous sight.

 Gold. Heaps of it, just shining brightly all around the vast spacious chamber. Gold pillars held up the cavern-like ceiling, a chandelier made of bones and diamonds hung from above. There were chests of necklaces, precious gems, goblets and weapons of every shape and size. Hanging on a far wall, concealed in shadow were angelic weapons…at least half a dozen.

 I stared around in amazement. Even Lucifer would be surprised if he could see this place.

 I raced around and tossed the gold coins into the air. In a craze, I rolled around in a nearby pile of green dollar souls. With a grin, I stood up and stared with pride at the grinning face of the jester printed on there.

 A face confident in his ability to deceive others, pursue wealth and bask in endless entertainment.

 The grinning face was all too familiar…

 …because it was my face.

 Wally Wackford leaned his head back, mouth open in a high pitched shriek as dark magic flickered around him. The imp form fell and morphed into shadow. In the imp’s place, a large black beast with thick fur, razor sharp claws and red eyes decorating the body. The figure stood up on two powerful furry legs and sat comfortably in a giant golden throne that occupied the center of the chamber. Angular jester clothing of red, gold and purple stripes adorned the wolf body. And finally, a large spiked black crown sat atop the dark loopy jester hat with bells at the ends. A white and gold jester face showed sharp white teeth and glowing yellow eyes. Dark clawed hands juggled fresh demon skulls into the air and popped them into his large mouth. He crunched loudly before swallowing every bit.

 My imp disguise was perfect. Literally no one else save for Robo Fizz and a few elites knew who was underneath. And even then, my magic was so powerful it could easily confuse anyone around me.

 Being an imp has its advantages; you can travel anywhere and gather information along the way. You can track imps from a killing company and find out where they’ll likely travel to next. You can affiliate yourself with your own robotic creations, some slave imps and succubi…and then in your own form, work with a fellow Deadly Sin on the next stage.

 A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

 Funny, really. Wally Wackford could easily be a separate being, born into poverty, learning to scam others at an early age and go up from there. I, however, didn’t need to learn anything…deceiving others and attracting material wealth was a natural talent. As was shapeshifting.

 Lucifer might not be happy with me coping his idea of a theme park…but business is business…and in Hell, anything goes.

 That incompetent prince Stolas would be dead soon enough. No more Goetia showoffs to get in the way of my rule and reputation. At least the prince’s wife was rightfully concerned with maintaining tradition that has existed for centuries. Aside from my dear friend Lucifer, I was, and should be, the most powerful being in Hell. I’ll keep exploiting those I choose because money is money.

 Those I.M.P. assassins have no idea who they were dealing with.

 I let out a crazed evil laugh, intermingled with a wolf’s howl. With a single touch of my hand, my nearby scepter turned into gold. I admired its shiny flawless sheen. Asmodeus, Leviathan, Lucifer, Satan, Belphegor, Beelzebub and myself…the Seven Deadly Sins…circus-loving rulers of the Overlords and in charge of maintaining chaotic order in our respective Rings.

  I, Mammon, had much to do.

[buzzdixonwriter]

Don’t Let The Screen Door Hit You On The Way Out

”It’s never the crime, it’s always the cover-up.” Watergate Lesson #1

Y’know, some bastards need to be cancelled.

The liars, the hypocrites, the betrayers of trust public and private.

The “do as I say, not as I do” anusoids.

Dropkick those bozologists right outta here.

The problem is not people who screw up -- people screw up all the time.

It’s not ideas that later prove to be in error or just plain bad -- all of us at one time or another believed something we now know to be wrong.

No, the problem is those who set themselves us as moral exemplars and then betray the very moral example they proclaim.

Ska-rue those dips.

Cast them into the outer void.

Cast in point: The drugging rapist comedian spent their entire professional career stressing high principles and values, openly saying “look at what I did and do likewise” while deriding members of their own community for not obtaining the heights they did.

A good hunk of that time they spent drugging and raping victims, paying them off to keep silent so they could drug and rape more victims.

Look, back in the day Bob Hope was a notorious philanderer but he and his wife had an understanding and Hope never promoted himself as a moral exemplar (quite the opposite!).

So to find out Hope engaged in consensual adultery with the tacit approval of his wife is neither a big shock not does it undermine any message he sought to convey.

On the other hand, the drugging rapist comedian did espouse a message that millions saw as valid, and they held themselves up as an example for their fans to aspire to.

If we learned said comedian was a garden variety philanderer like Bob Hope, their message and example would be somewhat tarnished but not destroyed; consensual sex gets a tsk-tsk and nothing more, especially if the spouse doesn’t object (and said comedian’s spouse damn well knew what was going on yet didn’t think raping victims drugged into unconsciousness was a deal breaker of a marriage ender).

Some people today hope to this disgraced comedian will die soon so their comedy can be enjoyed publicly again.

Why?

Any good from this rapist’s life has already been done in whatever charitable donations and scholarships they provided, whatever inspiration they gave audiences to help them better themselves before learning of their crimes, and stylistic / topical insights gleaned by other comedians.

The rapist’s comedy routines and TV shows -- all family friendly and morally high minded -- now ring hollow and taste sour.  Whatever comedic insights the rapist had to offer have long since been absorbed by those who followed.

Leni Riefenstahl created two monstrous documentaries -- Triumph Of The Will and Olympiad -- that glorified Nazism while at the same time inventing the cinematic language for depicting mass movements and covering sporting events.

Nobody today ever need watch her original films in order to learn those lessons; thousands of film makers and videographers have applied them elsewhere and the technical lessons remain valid even when divorced from their racist origins.

So be it with the rapist comedian.

Let those who learned from their routines reinterpret those lessons in a form that noi longer contains a poison pill.

Case in point: The comic-turned-film maker presented their work -- no matter how funny the material – as a serious examination of modern moral values.

And, dang, the c-t-f certainly fooled a lot of us.

In their defense, the c-t-f always claimed in public to be a really terrible person, but this was all just c-y-a.

Of course those public admissions were all self-depreciating self-mockery, look how thoughtful and complex the c-t-f films were, how they examined modern life, look how they laid bare the contradictions and conundrums of the human condition.

Then it turns out the c-t-f could not keep their own knickers up and wreaked havoc on a dozen or more lives, rendering all their opinions and observations as worth less that a wadded of soiled toilet paper.

Yeah, the rapist comedian’s crime are worse by at least two orders of magnitude, but the c-t-f only misses a charge of incest by the barest of technicalities.

And it doesn’t matter that c-t-f’s spouse at the time is a batshit crazy homewrecker themselves -- c-t-f knew this then and chose them as a spouse and contributed to the chaos being wreaked in that family.

So, no, you can’t pose your films as Important Serious Examinations Of Modern Morals when you’re acting in a way that would get Dr. Freud to say, “That’s some seriously fucked up shit.” 

Open reprobates like John Waters and Russ Meyer never need worry about failing audience expectations; they’re upfront and honest about their perversions and peccadillos (and to be fair to them, they never screwed up the lives of others the way the c-t-f did).

I used to love the c-t-f’s work and eagerly looked forward to each new one.

Not any more.

You can never trust that viewpoint again, and even the earlier, funnier work is now called into question.

Case in point: This one is smaller, more localized, but I have personal knowledge of it and it’s emblemic of a far larger, far more vast problem.

The retired pastor tried to stay busy, volunteering at their local church and nearby nursing homes, and proposing an outreach for runaway abused teen girls.

It came as quite a shock to learn the retired preacher had been caught in a classic honey trap sex sting:  They texted what they thought was a 16 year old girl but turned out to be an adult investigator trolling for sexual predators.

The retired pastor got probation and registered as a sex offender.  There was a big public confession and an apology to their church, a contrite promise of repentance, and a big heaping helping of forgiveness all around.

There but for the grace of God, right…?

The retired pastor wanted to resume the runaway abused teen girl project.

Oh, they would have nothing to do with it directly, of course.

Just be available to advise others as needed…

Well, that waved more red flags than a May Day celebration in Tiananmen Square.  Even assuming the retired pastor was incredibly naïve -- more naïve than any retired pastor has a right to be -- the sheer optics alone would be incredibly bad.

And the chance of somebody finding out and filing a complaint for reasons real or suspected would put the church sponsoring it at terrible risk.

Dude, you screwed up.   That door is shut to you.

Organized religions are imploding right now, and no matter what faith or denomination, the reason is inevitably the same:  Predators of all stripes infiltrate the structure to find victims.

Sexual abuse ranks high, but there’s also financial abuse, emotional abuse, and just plain old abuse of power.  

It’s ultimately the exact same problem as that of the rapist comedian and the comic-turned-film maker:  Hypocrisy.

Religious leaders are as human as anyone else, few are the plaster saints we make them out to be.

And there are those who make mistakes, and those who hide their personal peccadillos from others (word among the BDSM community is that quite a few religious leaders enjoy those reindeer games), but those have the common fucking sense not to videotape themselves (remember, if you make a copy of anything you’re giving the universe tacit permission to share it and if the copy is digital, the sharing is compulsory).

The worst part is that the very victims of these predators are not only quicky to forgive these abuses and let them continue, but viciously turn on those victims that dare speak out against their abuse!

This is the reason organized religion is collapsing:  It’s become a cesspool of sexual predators and con artists.

Church leaders who decry the declining numbers are eager to blame a lack of spiritual discipline, a loss of faith, cultural influence, and of course that ol’ standby, Satan hizzowndamsef.

But when you ask people who left why they left, the answer is almost always they grew tired of being taken advantage of.

Physician, heal thyself. 

The problem we face today is that too many people impose standards on others they are not merely incapable of following themselves (which would be a sad but typically human failure) but are utterly unwilling to even make the attempt.

We need so-called cancel culture.  We need to expose hypocrites, denounce their hypocrisy, and deny them access to new victims.

Don’t feel sorry for the bastards who get caught, get angry over the harm they inflict.

    © Buzz Dixon

[agentnico]

Top 20 Best Movies of the Decade (2010′s)

Now that we have entered the 2020s, it’s time to look back on a decade of movie magic. To emphasise the importance of each year, I’ll balance things out by including two films from each year for my Top 20 list. I’ve tried to pick films that both defined this decade as well as appealed to me personally, so my list will of course, as always, be different from yours, but hopefully, I won’t totally irritate you with my humble choice, which I deem worthy to post online for the public eye to witness.

2010:

INCEPTION - “You’re waiting for a train...” Christopher Nolan unarguably is the most exciting and original directors working today. Each time he releases a movie, its an event. A literal must-see at the cinema. Which is why this isn’t the only film of his you will find on this list. With Inception, Nolan gives us a movie that is both enjoyable and imaginative, rewarding the audience for the attention that it demands. Filled with so much detail that if you miss certain shots, you will completely get lost in confusion of the narrative (as confusing as it already is). It’s intense and complex, with great performances from the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hardy, this movie will leave you lingering for more even after that mysterious ending.

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD -  “You cocky cock! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity!” Once again, another exciting director on this list (oh there are so so many!). Ever since Edgar Wright emerged from the British isles, he’s given us some of the funniest films of the past decade and onwards. His Cornetto Trilogy is a blast, Baby Driver is a blast, Ant-Man was going to be even more of a blast if Marvel allowed Wright to do his magical shenanigans his way, and the upcoming Last Night in Soho will surely be a blast also. With Scott Pilgrim vs. The World Wright creates a meta-clever universe taking inspiration from comic books and video games and filled to the brink with wink-wink-nudge-nudge humour, this is an exciting and very sarcastic over the top endeavor. Also, Brie Larson in this movie.....phew!! And unsurprisingly, its all a blast!

2011:

DRIVE - “I just wanted you to know, just getting to be around you, that was the best thing that ever happened to me.” Drive is more of an elegant exercise in style, and its emotions may be hidden but they run deep. A shamelessly disreputable, stylish, stoic, ultra-violent thriller with amazing stunt work, one of the best opening sequences of any movie this decade and a neon-pumped soundtrack that’s a must-own for all vinyl users, if you still haven’t seen Drive, there’s only one thing you can do. Clue: it’s to go watch Drive.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - GHOST PROTOCOL - “Your mission, should you choose to accept it...” Tom Cruise’s deal with the devil allows him to do some literally impossible stuff, and though I don’t condone his Scientology ways, the man’s stunt work and efforts in his area of expertise are worth all the praise and respect. To be honest, I’m commemorating all three of the Mission Impossible flicks that graced our screen this year (Ghost Protocol, Rogue Nation and Fallout). This franchise is like a game of dodgeball, except that Tom Cruise is the dodgeBALL, being thrown and thrust left and right like nobody cares. Also, with me being Russian, the fact that a movie manages to destroy the Kremlin and then have me not hate the film in the aftermath shows that this film is way too fun to hate.

2012:

DJANGO UNCHAINED - “Gentlemen, you had my curiosity, but now you have my attention.” Quentin Tarantino is one of my favourite directors working today. And Django Unchained happens to be my favourite film of his. The writing for this film is orgasmic (I went there!). The way the actors deliver the lines and the lines of dialogue themselves sound almost poetic to my ears. I can quote so many lines from this darn thing. The cinematography is immaculate. The soundtrack choice is great. The performances, my goodness, the PERFORMANCES!! Jamie Foxx does arguably his career-best work here, but also we have Christoph Waltz and Leonardo DiCaprio both chewing up the scenery, and I’m sure everyone has heard the story involving DiCaprio and the broken glass. Django Unchained is an easy choice on this list for me, and possibly in my Top 10 of all time.

LES MISERABLES - “Do you hear the people sing?” The film that is based on a musical that is based on a book that is based on certain true events. Tom Hooper did an interesting choice of having actors sing live in front of the camera during filming rather than pre-record their voices, and it works to grand effect, though Russell Crowe should have probably been given more singing lessons. The movie is one hell of a way to adapt such a popular stage musical. With an opening shot that emphasises the scale of this picture with a zoom-in towards this big ship during a storm being pulled by these poor prisoners, we are plunged into the despair and conflicts of various characters with adroit narrative thrust so that not a moment feels wasted or redundant. You’d think that a film with hardly any dialogue and an overall reliance on singing wouldn’t be so emotional. Yet, somehow, it works. Also props to Anne Hathaway for winning an Academy Award for being in a film for only 5 MINUTES!!

2013:

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET - “Sell me this pen.” Martin Scorsese’s mad look into Wall Street life is a bombastic caper and running at nearly 3 hours, Scorsese and his editing team manage to keep an astoundingly intoxicating pace that keeps you enthralled and engaged throughout. This one is definitely not for the families, as this R-rated fest is filled with drugs, money, sex and everything you can possibly imagine and paints quite the picture of the rich folks of Wall Street. And the middle of it all a bravura performance from Leonardo DiCaprio. Someone needs to give DiCaprio’s agent a raise, this is Leo’s third appearance on this list and we’re only in 2013!

THE WAY WAY BACK - “I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You're having way too much fun, it's making everyone uncomfortable.” Sometimes a little indie flick is enough to lift a human spirit. Real, fun, uplifting and innocent, The Way Way Back dedicated to anyone who felt awkward or out of place at some point in their life, which, let’s be honest, counts all of us. I’m not afraid to admit that. So stop being a b*** and reveal your sensitive side too! Yes, you, the person reading this. Who else could I possibly be talking to? Myself? Maybe. The Way Way Back though is one of the best feel-good indie films of this decade, with the loveable Steve Carell acting very unloveable and Sam Rockwell Rockwelling himself to charm city! If you’ve missed this one, treat yo’self and check it out.

2014:

THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL - “And?? Where is it? What's it all about dammit don't keep us in suspense this has been a complete f***ing nightmare! Just tell us what the f*** is going on!!!” Easily Wes Anderson’s best in my opinion (I have a friend who would argue Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums has the better hand but I think my opinion is more valid because it's me), this movie is a glossy, colorful, whimsical deadpan affair with an energetic turn from Ralph Fiennes as the hotel concierge M. Gustave H. as he and his lobby boy run into various Wes Anderson regulars and deal with murderers, stolen paintings, love affairs, prison breaks, and all kinds of crazy shindigs, but all shown in such a casual Wes Anderson way. This movie is like a slice of cherry pie - damn fine!

INTERSTELLAR - “Murphy’s Law doesn’t mean that something bad will happen. It means that whatever can happen, will happen.” As promised, Christopher Nolan makes another appearance on this list, now with his space time-traveling epic Interstellar, where he takes inspiration from the likes of Kubrick and Tarkovsky to give us, as always, a tad bit confusing adventure with great visuals and an interesting narrative (though it does sometimes get lost in its own way), however, the key thing holding this piece together is the father-daughter relationship with Matthew McConaughey and Mackenzie Foy (and Jessica Chastain) managing to bring so much raw emotion to their respective roles that you can’t help but want to shed a tear. I mean, I haven’t cried for over 14 years, but I remember when I first watched this film, the audience around me was sobbing quite a few times during the duration of this movie. Give it to Nolan to give us the emotional moments!

2015:

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD - “Oh what a day! What a lovely day!!” Easily the best action movie of this decade. Sorry John Wick, neither you or Tom Cruise could defeat this beast. The sheer, limitless invention behind this movie's exhilarating, preposterous chase scenes highlights action filmmaking at its finest. With big monster trucks and a random guitarist rocking-it in the middle of all the action, it’s like a nihilistic version of a Cirque du Soleil show! And it makes Tom Hardy the calmest person on-screen; no idea how it managed that.

STEVE JOBS - “I sat in a garage and invented the future because artists lead and hacks ask for show of hands.” If there is anyone who can make formulaic, mathematical or technological sound fun and exciting, its Aaron Sorkin. The man has a talent for writing screenplays about difficult and complicated topics yet turning them approachable for the casual moviegoer. Pair him with director Danny Boyle, and the result is Steve Jobs, a look at the man behind the phone. Narratively set during three important product launches of Jobs’, we get to see the behind-the-scenes of his relationships with his colleagues and family members, and this character study is one that could have easily fallen into generic biopic tropes, but it holds it’s own right till the credits roll. Also props for showing that Seth Rogen can actually do a serious role. Who would’ve thought that pot-smoking fella had dramatic chops in him?

2016:

NOCTURNAL ANIMALS - “Susan, enjoy the absurdity of our world. It’s a lot less painful. Believe me, our world is a lot less painful than the real world.” Fashion designer Tom Ford does sew his suits well. Apparently, he can also make great films too, with 2009′s A Single Man and with said Nocturnal Animals. This movie is truly incredible and I remember it taking me and my friend by surprise when we first watched it at the cinema. It’s shocking. Horrifying. Depressing. Upsetting. Altogether exhilarating. Being of a fashion background, Tom Ford directs the hell out of this movie, with gorgeous shots and great use of colour as well as managing to masterfully create tension and suspense when necessary. Honestly, I know Tom Ford is probably busy at a department store somewhere, but the guy needs to make another movie. The man has a talent.

LA LA LAND - “Here’s to the ones who dream, foolish as they may seem. Here’s to the hearts that ache; here’s to the mess we make.” Oh, La La Land. Damien Chazelle’s follow-up to the also excellent Whiplash. People who know me well know how much I love this movie. An old-school tour-de-force musical that’s a love letter to jazz and the golden age of Hollywood. The city of stars never looked so good. Featuring catchy original songs, excellent dance choreography (the sequence to the song “Lovely Night” is especially memorable) and a romance tale ten times better than the forsaken The Notebook, La La Land is one special movie. I know many are put off by the film’s not so happy ending, however for me it was the only way this narrative could have ended. 

2017:

BLADE RUNNER 2049 - “We’re all just looking out for something real.” Similarly to Nolan, Denis Villeneuve is proving to be one of the most exciting directors working today. He’s the man behind such films as *deep breath* Prisoners, Enemy, Sicario, Arrival and Blade Runner 2049. And those have all been done within the last decade. The man constantly makes quality movies of various genres, though lately, he has been leaning more towards science fiction, which is a-okay in my books, since as Blade Runner 2049 proves, he can turn science into fiction like butter on bread. A sequel made 30 years after Ridley Scott’s classic, this visually breathtaking piece is arguably even better than its predecessor with many moments giving you the “wow wow wow wow wow WOW!” factor, and when Ryan Gosling and Harrison Ford are both on-screen they are dynamite. Forget the new Star Wars film (that’s right, I'm throwing shade there), Blade Runner is where it’s at!

PHANTOM THREAD - “The tea is going out. The interruption is staying right here with me.” The supposed last Daniel Day-Lewis film, as he has now apparently retired from acting, but let’s be honest, nothing stops him from simply unretiring at any point. Exhibit A - Joe Pesci. However, like Pesci, if he comes back I’ll only be happy. He’s one of acting greats of our time, and his collaborations will director Paul Thomas Anderson bring out some of his best roles. Phantom Thread is a marvel of a movie. No, I don’t mean that’s its part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, I mean as in it can fill one with wonder and astonishment. Phantom Thread is PTA’s Gothic dark fairy-tale romance film, which expertly planned shots and scenes where every word of the dialogue counts. There is no wasted moment. And as the film transpires to its dark and unsettling climax, one begins to realize that this, THIS, is what filmmaking is about. Telling an engrossing story in an interesting way with crisp-clear shots and off-the-chart acting at play, with great costume design on display, although the latter is unsurprising due to a major aspect of the movie revolving around fashion.

2018:

MANDY -  “You ripped ma shirt!! You ripped maaa shiirrt!!” An acquired taste for sure, however, Mandy is indeed something truly special. From first glance, this film might seem like nothing out of the ordinary, especially from the point of view of the plot. Its the usual revenge flick. However director Panos Cosmatos’ vision and how he presents it is so much more unique. And what’s not love in this film? There’s something for everyone! It’s artsy and slow enough for the critics, hip and metal for the nonchalant, gory and violent for the hardcore genre fanatics and of course the Nic-Cage-rage factor is present for the fans of the actor. Alright, it may not be a family film, but this one is worth a watch. The whole thing is bound together by this psychedelic otherworldly environment, with the whole movie conceived in this dark, unsettlingly beautiful yet horror-filled aura that might stray people away, as it might be just too different for them, however, if you are looking for something different to watch, take mandy. I mean, watch Mandy!

A STAR IS BORN - “Music is essentially 12 notes between any octave. Twelve notes and the octave repeats. It’s the same story told over and over. All the artist can offer the world is how they see those 12 notes.” The film that began all the rumours surrounding Bradley Cooper’s and Lady Gaga’s affair. People, heads up, they are actors! They were putting on a performance! Jeez. That being said, I totally ship them. Nuff’ said. The film though? Yes, it’s good. Some country-style music, romance blooming, Gaga can apparently act, people sing about shallows for some reason...all together works for a pretty decent motion picture. Also, the fact that Bradley Cooper wrote, directed, produced and starred in this gives me so much respect for the guy. He poured his heart and soul into this. And Lady Gaga absolutely shines!

2019:

PAIN & GLORY -  “Writing is like drawing but with letters.” Director Pedro Almodovar semi-autobiographical film takes a close look at how one deals with acceptance, being forgotten, symptoms of depression and generally all fairly negative attributes, but delivered in such an honest and profound way that there is a strange lightness that emerges from it all. Antonio Banderas is uncannily vulnerable in the lead role, delivering such an earnest performance that shows a man that is filled with melancholic regret who seeks his own form of redemption. This movie is a thing of beauty.

PARASITE - “You know what kind of plan never fails? No plan at all. If you make a plan, life never works out that way.” Parasite is easily the most original and surprising films of 2019, and possibly the decade, managing to subvert expectations and blend together so many different genres so naturally. To spoil any narrative element of this movie would be a sin, like this one in particular works best when not knowing anything about it. This movie comes to us from Bong Joon-Ho, a South Korean director behind such films as The Host, Memories of Murder, Okja, and Snowpiercer. It’s nice to see the awards ceremonies giving him the proper recognition finally. He deserves it.

That sums up my Top 20 Best Movies of the Decade list. Of course, there are so many other great films that came out in these 10 years, such as Whiplash, When Marnie Was There, Paterson, Silence, Kubo and the Two Strings, The Nice Guys...I can go on forever. Cinema is a constant ever-growing medium, and it is fascinating to see how it changes through the years, in some ways improving and in some parts not so much. In any case, I look forward towards a new decade of, hopefully, great movies, however, let’s be honest, for all these great films there’s always a Norm of the North, a Scout’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse or frickin’ Cats. But let’s hope those will be kept to a minimum. In any case, bring on the 2020s!

[sareesonscreen]

S1 E3: Sex and Sexuality in South Asian Media

In this episode, we will be talking about Sex and Sexuality in South Asian Media. This is in essence the first half of a two-part conversation. In this first half, we hope to address the broader discussions around Sex and Sexuality in the media in our region. And in our next discussion episode, the conversation will continue into an in-depth discussion around Queer Media.

It’s been empowering to see many people speak about sex so candidly today. This was nearly unimaginable even a decade ago. Unfortunately, open conversations around sex and sexuality continue to be taboo in our society, but it’s been great to see a segment of people start to chip away at that reluctance to talk about such a fundamental part of all our lives.

There are a lot of great podcasters and Youtubers who share their experiences on this (linked below). And we highly recommend you give them a listen (links below). While we absolutely value the importance of sharing lived experiences, in this episode, we will specifically look at the media we consume - how it portrays sex and sexualities of women and marginalized people, and how it shapes the greater societal conversations around these issues.

We wanted to highlight the importance of recognizing that sex and sexuality is experienced very differently and uniquely by everyone. There is no universal women’s experience or queer experience. The specific socio-economic and cultural locations that shape our identities empower and disempower us in different ways, also change how we engage with sex and our sexualities. 

The movies and shows we plan to talk about in this episode come from Netflix productions, slightly indie parts of Bollywood, and the West Bengali film industry. While the chosen media here vary in their representations of language, socioeconomic class, urban/rural spaces, and to a degree caste, a common critique for all the movies chosen (and of us as well) is that it mostly still looks at sex and sexuality through the imposed universality of an upper class/upper caste gaze. We did our best to make note of this as we discussed the issues pertaining to this episode. 

The AIDS epidemic of the 1980s was the first time that conversations around sex and sexuality were forced into the public sphere, outside its usual legal, medical, and demographic confines. Then in the ’90s, with the rise in access to electricity and televisions, a new brand of more explicit sexual imagery entered South Asian homes and media. 

It’s not that sex was invented in the ’90s, or that people in the subcontinent didn’t engage in sex or non-heteronormative sexuality (including gay men and sex workers). It’s just that it became a more constant presence in the media that we consumed.

In the 2000s, there was suddenly more “sex” on local television and movies. Still heteronormative, still patriarchal, of course. We were showered with the overwhelmingly hetero male gazes in Imran Hashmi movies and the item songs that accompanied almost every movie of that decade. In even worse scenarios, there was the inescapable plight of gratuitous violence in the rape scenes. 

Luckily, even through that period - healthier works were being created in more indie industries or regional media. West Bengal, amongst others, was prominent in producing more “forward” and mature depictions of sex and sexuality.

What’s unfortunate is because of how inaccessible these local healthier portrayals of sex were, a lot of us who had the alternative of having access to Western narratives of sex/sexuality, kind of clung to it. Our vocabulary around sex ended up being heavily shaped by a culture that we didn’t live in. When it felt like the words for sex and sexuality are limited to medical terms or slurs, it was easy to just assume the western alternative (added with our post-colonial hang-ups).  

It’s been very fortunate that the film industries and the artists within it continued to push for better media in this realm. In the last decade, we’ve seen some very prominent works that highlight sex/sexuality that made it to mainstream success. In this episode, we’ll be primarily tackling 3 movies that have done so - Lust Stories, a Bollywood anthology hit, Parched - an Indie movie directed by Leena Yadav and Rajkahini - a take on the partition of the Indian subcontinent through the setting of a brothel and the issues faced by the sex-workers residing there, directed by Srijit Mukherji. 

Through these movies - we hope to tackle some of the major issues confronting discussions around sex and sexuality.

Often discussion around sex and sexuality is looked at with a male-centric gaze, especially in their depictions of women - this was especially apparent in Karan Johar’s short in Lust Stories as well as the portrayals of sex workers in Rajkahini. Some of these portrayals used women’s sexuality for the sake of shock value and titillation and did not take into account the multiple facets of people’s identities that influence their sexual expression. 

Parched was refreshing in its gentler, more feminine take on women’s sexuality showing empathy, affection, and agency as necessary elements of fulfilling sexual experiences. However, even Parched failed to fully consider the “unsexy” elements of how sexuality is affected everyday lives - the women who were the protagonists in Parched were shown to be from a remote, rural village in India, and yet no discussion on their sexuality ever included the structural realities that rural women face in South Asia, like the lack of access to basic sanitation, water or even, privacy.

Any depiction of marginalized people when exploring their sexuality is incomplete without understanding their material struggles. The film, though shot from a feminine gaze, is unable to shed its upper-class/upper-caste romanticization of marginalized women’s lives. This re-orientalization of disadvantaged women’s struggles to be consumed by a privileged, upper-class/ Western audience is an appropriation of the challenges they face, packaged to be palatable (even enjoyable) to its privileged viewers. It is also made worse when the cast and the culture is a hodgepodge of people from completely different cultures than the ones being portrayed.

Rajkahini, while claiming to be telling the stories of ‘forgotten women’ ends up using the women characters as props for the overarching narratives of loss and displacement during the Partition of 1947. Only one character - that of Begum Jaan is given agency and individuality and even she becomes a stereotypical version of the soft on the inside, harsh on the outside, raspy-voiced Madame. The other women characters are only shown to be recipients of violence and abuse and the script and direction do very little to empower them.

Zoya Akhtar & Anurag Kashyap both attempted to make shorts on the sociocultural power dynamics that plague sexuality and sexual interaction in their contributions to Lust Stories. While Zoya Akhtar was more slightly successful in addressing perceptions of the economic and class dynamics between two sexual partners, Anurag Kashyap’s short woefully fell prey to a tired narrative of the “crazy woman” even though it began with a laudable commentary on the predatory relationship dynamic between older women and younger men.

Our main goal in this episode was to examine how mainstream and indie representations of sex and sexuality further (or set back) important conversations around these issues. While Parched and Zoya Akhtar’s short made some commendable efforts, most of these pieces of media were unable to take on a fully intersectional lens to these controversial, but extremely relevant issues for the larger South Asian audience.

In our upcoming episodes, we plan to address topics in consent and rape culture which we briefly touched on in this episode. We also hope to tackle movies from other parts of South Asia as we do this. This episode was so important to us, be sure to let us know what you thought of this episode!

Further Readings + Content

Singh, Asha. “Are All Women’s Stories the Same?” Round Table India. Oct 19, 2016. https://roundtableindia.co.in/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=8831:parched-and-feminism-are-all-women-s-stories-the-same&catid=119:feature&Itemid=13

Sander, Lalon. “Eleven Heroines Does Not A Feminist Film Make: A Review of Srijit Mukherji’s "Rajkahini.” The Caravan. Oct 31, 2015. https://caravanmagazine.in/vantage/eleven-heroines-not-feminist-make-review-rajkahini

Singh, Poonam. “Film Review: Parched, Of Women Thirsting for More.” Feminism in India. Sept 26, 2016. https://feminisminindia.com/2016/09/26/film-review-parched/

Ghosh, Stutee. “Review: Women in Radhika Apte’s ‘Parched’ Are Bruised, Not Bechari.” The Quint. Sept 22, 2016. https://www.thequint.com/entertainment/film-review-women-in-radhika-aptes-parched-are-bruised-not-bechari-ajay-devgn-surveen-chawla-feminism#read-more

Podcasters

Masala Podcast https://www.soulsutras.co.uk/masala-podcast/

Brown Girls Do it Too https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p08k5cp0/episodes/downloads

Chuski Pop http://chuskipop.com/

Liberating Sexuality https://www.instagram.com/liberatingsexuality/?hl=en

[josy72]

Interview of Adèle Haenel and Noémie Merlant for the Portrait of the young girl on fire release in the United Kingdom Nadège Alezine

on 01/31/20 - modified on 02/28/20

(Google trad)

Portrait of a Young Girl on Fire was written and directed by Céline Sciamma ( Tomboy, Bande de filles, ma vie de courgette ). The director and screenwriter won the screenplay prize at the last Cannes film festival for this sapphic love story between a painter and her subject in 18th century Brittany. Exploration of desire but also of consent, this resolutely feminist film in the spirit of the times features Adèle Haenel ( Free! 120 beats per minute ) and Noémie Merlant ( The sky will wait ).

At the center of #MeToo news for a few weeks, Adèle Haenel denounced the touching of a French director with whom she had collaborated when she was a teenager in a forum organized by Médiapart. Since then, she has become the symbol of a French feminism for which the right to annoy no longer exists.

There are only women in this film. Was it important for you to participate in this project?

Noémie Merlant : I thought it was important to play in a film about women, with a woman's point of view with women. Films with only men, with the vision of men, where we see women in relation to men, that's it ...

Adèle Haenel : You can almost see it in a comical aspect! Is that so ? Are we so invisible? So that it is absolutely shocking for everyone that we make a film with only women! While films where there are only men, it is not shocking. This is completely normal. In fact, the idea is not to eradicate men but to offer an experience where one asks: what does it cause to put a man in the frame or not? This film deliberately asks this question.

And you, you play the role of the muse, the one that we normally objective?

Adèle Haenel : It's true that she is not a muse like the others, Héloïse. But in fact it is in the way we talk about it that the role of the muse becomes passive. Because basically it was the place of women in the history of art. When we think back to the role of the muse: the woman enters a room and the man thinks, the man creates. This kind of bullshit, and well that annoys me a lot! It was about talking about the intellectual, artistic and romantic excitement that there can be just because there is consent and collaboration. In fact, when two brains confront each other, when people discuss the issues and look for plastic and aesthetic solutions, it is quite exciting, more than having a dominant, overwhelming point of view.

Speaking of collaboration, there's this scene where the three characters decide to paint an abortion. An exploration of the female body never seen before in cinema ...

Adèle Haenel : We have had a lot of opportunity to travel in the virile construction of the body, it's true. Living on the side of men, that we know what it is. There is a lack of representations of what abortion is in the cinema… It is not even a theme, even the rules, it does not interest the cinema: it's crazy!

How did you prepare for the roles of Marianne and Héloïse?

Noémie Merlant : For the role of Marianne, I worked on the painter's gaze. I watched Hélène Delmaire a lot, who painted the pictures in the film. It is a dance to be found between the comings and goings of the painter about him.

Adèle Haenel : It's film centered on the idea of ​​looking and precisely getting out of the passive aspect. What interested me was to build the character around the action and to move from the object to the subject. In fact, initially the position of Heloise coming out of the convent is a position where she is not asked to collaborate. I studied the possibility of resistance: we wanted to make realistic portraits of resistance fighters. Which does not imply being a strong woman in the sense that a woman is expected to sacrifice herself for her cause. Which is another way of making us shut our mouths so it annoys me even more but the mode of resistance that Héloïse chooses in the film is a mode of absence: " I do whatever is asked of me as an object but you will never know who I am. There will always be some kind of stress in you to ask yourself: there may be someone hiding behind this object. "

Would you say Portrait of a Girl on Fire is a feminist film?

Adèle Haenel and Noémie Merlant : Yes !!

And, you, as women, aren't you afraid to call yourself feminists?

Noémie Merlant : No, I'm just afraid that people don't know what it's like to be a feminist. Some think it is a fight against men but it is not that at all.

Adèle Haenel : To question forms precisely, feminism is interesting. It should also be seen in a dynamic of representation. For me, being a feminist means re-inventing forms. Since the history of cinema is centered on male gauze and a hierarchy between the sexes. Which has produced very interesting forms, but potentially there is a whole field around that says that cinema is the gaze of men on women, of the dominant on the dominated: it's a dead end. Whereas collaboration is more inventive. When you address yourself in a language of domination, you sterilize a good part of your audience. For me, the female gaze is not the mirror of the male gaze but rather a way of approaching the spectator as a total spectator, not gendered.

[gin-and-luce]

You killed our dog! Adriana of The Sopranos gave me strength to navigate life after a breakup during a global pandemic lockdown

I’m going through a breakup. It’s come at the worst time but also the best time. He ended things with me (more on that later) after three years in the most Beta-Male way...but this is what happens when your type can be boiled down to softboi. I can’t see my friends in the conventional way, so I made some new ones on screen to help me navigate the end during quarantine.

Over ten weeks ago I started watching The Sopranos. It doesn’t need justifying, everyone knows it’s the best television series of all time, but I’d never seen it, and I knew a global pandemic induced lockdown would provide optimum viewing circumstances. My favourite thing to do is completely throw myself into the female narrative and experience I’m watching on screen. I prefer a long deep drama over a film. I like being able to see my girls every night. 

People have said to me before “you should start a blog”, but I could never escape the feeling that doing so is massively narcissistic because it *is*, unless you have something actually relevant to write about. Alternatively, the image of Gretchen Weiners leaning in and going “you let it out honey, put it in the book” floats across my conscience, and everything embarrassing that I’ve ever done, plays in a montage in my mind. 

Who gives a fuck what I have to say about anything…….. especially about a cultural phenomena that is quite literally regarded as the best TV show of all time?

I’d been wanting to write this after I watched Long Term Parking. I lay in the dark for 45 minutes after the episode ended. I’d never felt like that watching a television show or film before. My throat had seized up but I didn’t cry, even though I felt like it. I knew it was coming from the moment Adriana met the agent. I wasn’t surprised, but I was heartbroken and absolutely fuming. I still am. 

I’m not angry with Christopher, Tony, or Silvio, but just the general unbalance I’ve felt when I’m in a relationship. The loss of self, relationships being a series of compromises. From what I have found from my own experiences and my girlfriends’, women are just much more willing to compromise, but don’t consider it to be a compromise. Men can only take into consideration their own reality, an evolutionary selfishness that just doesn’t translate. 

Just as lockdown began I texted my boyfriend to say I loved him and I missed him. He responded with “Can’t say I feel the same”. Nearly 3 years were over just like that. We had the obligatory phone call, where I was hysterical and he was smarmy and smug. Yet when it was over, I felt nothing. It’s allllll a big nothing.

My personal Gospel is Sex and The City (shout out to HBO!). This was my Berger moment. He essentially scribbled “I’m sorry, I can’t. Don’t hate me” on a post-it. The irony of the whole thing is that when we watched it together, he himself said he was most like Berger. Thinking about it makes me wince.

My life opened up in front of me, I was exposed to his weakness regarding the situation in full when his sister-in-law messaged me on Instagram a few days ago. He hadn’t told his family, nor had he told his flatmates (another shout out to my sleuths at the back, you know who you are!). 

The Sopranos is a show about life. The Mafia structure provides a vehicle for us to question morality and mortality. You take what you get from it. When I watch it again at a different stage of my life, I will get something else out of it. 

For me now, while I stew in my own emotion during quarantine, Adriana represents emotional labour and the expectation for women to behave in a certain way in relationships. 

At first when my ex’s family members were messaging me, I was confused. It is frankly humiliating to smile as if everything is normal, so as to protect someone that in the end would not do the same for me. I know he wouldn’t do the same because there was just no courtesy in what happened weeks ago. I am trying to move on but things like this stunt your personal growth.

The struggle with emotional labour hones a guilt that someday I’ll regret giving my early 20s to something that didn’t work out. I felt like I was on borrowed time.

These are obviously my own insecurities spurred on by the fact that I’ve read enough “10 things I wish I knew in my 20s” blogs to know that these are my selfish years. Still, it is ultimately devastating to see the last 3 years of your life conclude via a text that displays a failure to realise that there is no real clean cut for a long-term relationship. 

I respect him for the blunt statement because it means I get to reference the Berger SATC breakup and say “casually cruel in the name of being honest” (Taylor Swift, 2012) a LOT, which softens the pity in the social scenarios that I invent in my head in the shower.

When Tony calls Adriana to tell her Christopher has tried to kill himself, that was like my final phone call too. This is the end. Her youthfulness was why I related to her most in the show, but at the same time having nothing to lose made her easily expendable. Youth makes you put 100% into something knowing it is a gamble. 

I’m not comparing my ‘borrowed time’ to Adriana because she ends up dead, but there was a disregard for her life that was so harrowing because she did nothing but try and do the right thing. I watched Adriana put Christopher first willingly for 5 series. He supported her music management dreams but ultimately ended up making it all about him. He gave her the Crazy Horse but this ultimately was just another mob hangout. He sat on her dog, he continued to use heroin, shag other people, and so on.

“You could start writing again,” she tells him in her last episode, to which he responds  “I could do my memoirs, finally,”. Here is Adriana still!! STILL!! catering to Christopher’s ego to give herself some confidence. Very me.

All the way through she was just too good for him. Her ties to the Famiglia aren’t as tight as Carmela and Co. No children, still young, there’s chance for Adriana to get out if she wanted to. Of course this makes her prime FBl bait, but shows she sticks by Christopher through everything purely out of love. In the end she dies on her knees, subservient, with Heart’s Barracuda the last song she hears. I know Adriana had to go. That’s the way it is in the Famiglia because Christopher took an oath. But in a way she also had the carpet ripped from underneath her, just like me. 

There are lots of men writing on the internet about how Adriana is greedy and hypocritical. I just don’t understand where this reading is coming from other than obvious misogyny. I’ve read others that say if she was really that strong she would have simply left the relationship years ago. I believe that she believed things would improve for both of them, and that most people are just slut shaming her for her past. 

Still, Drea DeMatteo won a Best Supporting Actress Emmy for the episode. Fuckin’ A. 

I rooted for the woman. Before I was made redundant while working from home, I would spend half my life at my desk willing it to be 5:30pm, so I could slither back to the settee and spend the other half of my life in New Jersey. I’d phone my mum to discuss the episodes. She loves the show too, it’s always been a favourite in my household. We’d talk about the women like they were our friends and how we relate to them. The Sopranos is like a big mirror urging you to question everything. The answer to life is simply what are ya gonna do? 

Men love making things black and white so it is easier for them, when really women are in the background sorting out the shades of grey. 

Don’t get me wrong, Adriana’s significance is massive, albeit more so because of her death. You watch Christopher and Tony’s relationship start to crumble afterwards. It's shattering to see the disregard for Christopher’s sobriety and how despite his loyalty, he still sees him as a liability and weak. 

On the other hand, for Adriana’s sake, I am still enraged that he couldn’t see the bigger picture at the time. She is collateral damage in his path to finding his precious arc - “Wives, girlfriends, they can complicate life in a major way” Tony expresses to Jennifer as he runs from his own guilt. 

Christopher is desperate for Tony’s approval but is more than happy to use his blood connection as a protective leeway whenever he steps out of line. Again the irony is that he comes to tell Tony about Adriana first, just as the old Famiglia values say he should, but there is no real personal reward for doing so despite the personal sacrifice. 

I think Christopher regretted it in the end, and rightly so. When he is faced with his potential alternate life at the gas station, we assume that this was what made him go to Tony. It’s a family with loads of kids. Adriana probably can’t even have kids??? What kind of male logic?!  #justiceforadriana

I can’t help but feel for him when JT screams “Chris, you’re in the MAFIA!”. It’s the same kind of reality check that Chief Cubitoso gives Adriana, it’s an ultimatum and it’s the realisation that they are trapped in this life. Just ask Gene.

Carmela knew. I read her dreams as a testament to a woman’s intuition. She knows her friend isn’t what everyone is describing, she knows Adriana wouldn’t just disappear. She is all too aware of the emotional labour Mob women carry. When she sees Adriana with Cosette on the banks of the Seine, it is as sad as it is when we dream about people who have died. 

There is a scene in an early episode where Carmela says “Don’t we all?” in response to Meadow squealing “She’s MARRYING a BABY?” at a painting of The Marriage of Saint Catherine. I thought about this again when Christopher dies. Carmela passes her instinct off as hysteria, she isn’t to know. “So quick to blame, what is the attraction in that?” she cries during the aftermath of the car crash. There is a critique in her own femininity here that just makes you want to shout “NO CARM!!!!!!!”. As she believes she mothers Tony, there is the double-edged sword whereby he protects her through keeping her in the dark. “Heaven only ever sees my love making a fool of me” sings Emmylou Harris at the start of season 5. Carm’s power is taken away but she doesn’t even know. 

Carmela dedicates her life to being a mother but it’s not enough to save Meadow from her surname. We get some sense that AJ ‘Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit’ Soprano might be on a new path when he feels like the burning of his car among the autumn leaves of death was cathartic. As a man, he just has more freedom anyway. 

Miss Meadow gained her independence by getting her driving license, but in the end we see that she is still held back in the final scene by her inability to parallel park. She slots right in, eventually. As she does, she slots into the Soprano cycle after years of doing the most to get out and pave her own way. After every breakup with someone without links to the Famiglia, no scrubs, she returns and dates someone closer to home. Her career path is left tenuous to us, it would be all too easy for her to become a kept woman, which feels like it is the only real option should she settle down into the lifestyle with Patrick Parisi. It isn’t what she envisioned for herself, so part of me wants to hope that her story ends up a little bit more like Elle Woods. Legally Italian. 

I probably wouldn’t even have remembered her saying anything about parallel parking if I wasn’t terrible at parallel parking myself. It’s the pepperings of these subtle callbacks that make the show so beautiful. As the guitar solo plays on during the frustration, you’re invited to reminisce over Meadow’s journey. I fully wept watching her struggle to get the damn car parked because I’m trying to get my car parked too. Don’t stop believing, Meadow. 

I admire all the women in The Sopranos. The show is feminist, and that is a hill I am prepared to die on. It’s definitely up for debate as it is obviously littered with gratuitous nudity and women are commoditised. We have to allow this for cultural context for the show, but real life is basically exactly the same too? 

I read a post on Reddit where a dude is asking whether he should watch the show with his girlfriend. He types ‘“It’s a masterpiece of film but she probably wouldn’t get into it as I am”, and you don’t have to look much further to find more comments about how women and their puny minds just won’t get it. It’s an odd perspective to take given that Tony’s psychiatrist is a woman, but of course women could never grasp something so complex. It’s bullshit if you ask me, the female narrative prevails throughout all scenarios. 

The Pine Barrens seems to be everyone’s favourite episode. It’s not my favourite but there are two major elements that resonated with me. The first is Meadow looking down at the three letter words Jackie Aprile Jr had placed on the Scrabble board, and the second is when Gloria says to Tony:

“What you said was that you didn’t wanna piss me off..which implies that you’d have to deal with me, which is more about sparing YOU than my fucking feelings”. Don’t need to elaborate on that. Rest in power, Gloria. Legend.

Of course I could write pages and pages of hot feminist takes on all of the women - Jennifer, Janice, Livia, Angie, Svetlana, Charmaine. Lord knows I could probably write a book on Tracee.“ 20 years old, this girl”, I bashed Living on a Thin Line by The Kinks for about a week after that episode. It is the male gaze of the show made me love the women more. Carmela is my mother and I’ll probably name my first born Meadow. 

Carmela is the powerhouse and backbone of The Soprano household even though Tony provides. She represents stability, emotional labour, and putting on a brave face regardless. In some ways, it is as if Carmela represents the human emotion side and the fragility of organised crime. She is secure, but not enough, and her lack of ability to stand on her own two feet plagues her conscience through time. She is totally complicit, but must be to ensure her future with Tony as he pays anything to roll the dice just one more time. At the end of Long Term Parking, she and Tony stand looking at where she will build her spec-house. The forest looks the same as where we lost Ade, it’s a grim reflection that Carmela wouldn’t have this life if it wasn’t for the quick disposal of those like Adriana.   

Yeah okay, what the hell is a show with a feminist underpinning trying to say about wider society about a woman who exercises her beauty, loyalty and ambition?? Is it that she is not to be trusted?? Adriana’s a rat, but before this she is already deemed “damaged goods” anyway. She dresses provocatively, but that’s because she just looks MINT always. You would dress like THAT if you looked like THAT. When you Google her, ‘Adriana Sopranos Tennis’ comes up. I roll my eyes. Fucking men, eh? To take it down to a basic Sixth-Form-Poet reading, Adriana is Curley’s Wife and Daisy Buchanan all in one. She loves a red manicure too, and it might have worked out better for her if she had played the complicit beautiful little fool. 

This isn’t ‘Why The Sopranos is good!’, but a love letter to Adriana and her strength, because there is basically little or no content written on the women of the show when I have Googled.  I needed there to be more things written about her that isn’t just “bitch had it coming” when in fact she is a martyr. 

When Adriana was on screen, there was my mate. I knew her, she wanted what I wanted, but she sacrificed so much of herself for others and it was heartbreaking to watch. She barely gets a look-in in early episodes, but when she does she is usually wearing something animal print, which automatically made her the number one character on my radar. I am choosing to believe the theory that she is the cat in the final episode too. 

Still, I have been struggling and questioning why an episode that aired 16 years ago, with no plot that links to my own circumstances, has had such a monumental impact on me. 

I saw a tweet that said “have we ever sat down and thought about why relationships only work if the guy is more invested than the girl or is that just something we accept” (@anugov1). Adriana invested more in Christopher, even in the end, than she ever did herself. 

As I navigate this transitional period in my life, I am Adriana driving in the vision we see when we think she is going to start her new chapter. We can’t leave the flat, I have no job. The Sopranos has provided the most cathartic escapism for me. As I enter into whatever new world follows this nightmare, I wanted my mate Adriana to find her new world too, turning the classic rock up to 11.