#crash your commentary will forever be golden

[leckiestrikes]

i’ve been making @crashdown watch the pacific

[pastryfication]

Can you pls do an Oscar x driver reader fic where the reader is Landos sister and she has a pretty bad crash at a track and it’s Oscar and Landos reaction to her crash 🩷

this is more than anything i’ve felt before

pairings: oscar piastri x f2 driver!reader, lando norris x sister!reader content warnings: mentions of a crash and ambulance. note: i have such a hard time writing driver reader idk why but i hope you like this!! might be the only driver reader i’ll finish sorry to everyone else who’ve requested it it’s just so difficult for me to get it right.

the day it happens is one of those days where everything feels right—your lines are sharp, your pace is blistering, and every turn brings you closer to victory. you’re in control. you can feel the car, every bump, every shift, every breath you take inside that helmet.

you know lando and oscar are watching from the mclaren garage, their eyes glued to the screens. lando, your older brother, forever protective even when he tries not to be, always torn between pride and worry whenever you race. oscar, your boyfriend, the reigning king of calm on the track but never quite able to mask his nerves when it comes to you.

they’re your constants. you can almost picture lando’s anxious frown and oscar’s quiet focus, hands clasped together as he watches you drive. the media loves to joke about you being the apple of mclaren’s eye, caught between the team’s two golden boys. but those headlines don’t bother you. for you, this is where you belong.

as you approach the next corner, the race intensifies. there’s another driver fighting you for position, pushing you to the edge. you hold your line, confident and unafraid. but in an instant, it all goes wrong. the car beside you swerves just a touch too far, clipping your rear wheel.

everything spins out of control.

the car whips violently, tires screeching as you slam into the barriers. you feel the impact reverberate through your body, the jarring shock of metal against metal. the world around you blurs as the car crumples, and for a moment, everything fades.

———

oscar watches, heart pounding in his chest, as your car smashes into the barriers. the noise of the crash echoes in his ears, drowning out everything else. he doesn’t even hear the commentary, the frantic radio calls, or lando’s shout of your name beside him. all he can see is you, trapped in that twisted wreck, and you’re not moving.

oscar has seen crashes before—hell, he’s been in more than a few—but this is different. this isn’t just another driver, another car. it’s you. the girl who turns his world upside down, the one who’s always been his calm amid the chaos. and now you’re motionless, surrounded by smoke and broken carbon, and he’s never felt so terrified in his life.

beside him, lando’s pushing through the crowd, his face ashen, eyes wide with panic. “we have to get to her,” lando says, but his voice is shaking, the fear cracking through his usually steady tone.

oscar doesn’t move. he’s rooted to the spot, watching the screen like it’s his lifeline, praying for any sign that you’re okay. he feels sick, his stomach churning, every second that you’re not moving like a knife to his chest.

“she’ll be fine,” oscar whispers, more to himself than to lando. but the words sound hollow, and his voice wavers. because he doesn’t know. he doesn’t know if you’re okay, if you’re hurt, if you’re—

“i should’ve been there,” lando mutters, his voice thick with guilt. “i should’ve been able to protect her.”

oscar shakes his head, trying to keep himself together even though he feels like he’s breaking apart. he’s used to being the calm one, the steady presence on and off the track, but now he’s unraveling. it’s not just the crash—it’s the terrifying realization of how deeply you’ve entwined yourself into his heart, how much of his world revolves around you.

he thought he knew what it was to love you, but this feeling—this bone-deep fear, this raw, overwhelming need for you to be okay—is something else entirely. all he can think about is you—the way you laugh when you beat him in a stupid game, the way you scrunch your nose when you’re deep in thought, the way you find his hand after every race, holding on like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

he’s always known he loves you. but this? this is more than love. it’s a kind of need that’s woven into his very being, and it’s terrifying, how much losing you even for a moment rips through him, leaving him hollow.

when the medics reach you, they work fast, extracting you from the mangled car with careful precision. oscar’s eyes are fixed on you, his chest tightening with every second that you’re unresponsive. the ambulance arrives, and they load you onto a stretcher, still no movement, no sign of you waking up.

“please, please, please,” oscar whispers, his voice cracking. he doesn’t care about the cameras capturing every moment of his raw fear. all he cares about is you, and he’s never felt more powerless.

lando’s shoulders slump, his hands shaking as he stares at the ground. he looks at oscar, and for once, they’re not just teammates or rivals—they’re two people who love you, and right now, that’s all that matters.

minutes feel like hours. oscar’s world narrows down to the screen, to the updates that aren’t coming fast enough, to the endless questions that nobody seems to have answers for. finally, lando’s phone buzzes. oscar watches as lando answers, the tension etched into every line of his face.

“she’s awake,” lando says, his voice thick with relief, tears shining in his eyes. “she’s bruised up, but she’s awake. they’re taking her for checks, but she’s okay.”

oscar lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, and without thinking, he pulls lando into a hug. they cling to each other, relief and fear and everything else pouring out as they try to steady themselves. it’s messy and raw, but they need it. they need to feel that you’re going to be okay.

oscar pulls back, wiping at his eyes and trying to find the words. he’s never been good at this—at showing how much he cares, at letting himself be vulnerable. but he knows one thing for sure: he’s never letting you go without making sure you know just how deeply he loves you.

as the ambulance speeds away, oscar watches, feeling that familiar surge of love and fear. you’re tough—tougher than anyone gives you credit for—and you’re going to be back. you’re going to be alright.

and when you are, he’s going to be right there, holding onto you just a little bit tighter, because you’re everything to him.

for now, though, all that matters is that you’re still here, still fighting. mclaren’s favourite girl, his heart’s safe place. you’re the reason he races, the reason he loves, and the person he’s willing to hold onto with everything he has.

[itsythebitsyspider]

Am I what an afternoon bird would call the leftover worm? Do you consider me to be a chore once you go through your list of things to do; and you put me at the bottom of your list because my importance to you is slim to none? When you see the notification from me do you think, ‘oh. That one again. Let me just not respond until later.’ Is there a mood that happens once in a blue moon that I need to catch to receive a message from you? I send you videos that I think you’ll like, but I don’t stop there. I add commentary. I give you my opinion, a joke, a thought, some offhand comment to give some flavor to my seemingly bland notification. And what do I receive? A streak saving video in reply.

I get on my knees and I clasp my hands together in prayer, thank you, I say to the clouds where you must live. Because let’s be honest. You must think yourself a god to be receiving my prayers and choose not to reply. Delivered, says the saint that carried my message. But no reply, he says. I nod and thank the angel— the very same angel that has delivered every message to, but not fro.

In some other universe I stay on my porch, lemonade in hand while I watch the mailman make the trek up the cobblestone path. He gives me that same sad smile. Bills and spam mail again. He says, setting the mail on the little table in front of me. I know it’s not my place to ask, but have you ever considered that…? He asks, voice trailing off. I shake my head. One day, I say with an old timber in my voice. I just have to be patient. He sighs and glances out at my mailbox. He’s a kind man, delivers my mail to my porch instead so I didn’t have to walk down the long road. He glances at me one last time before saying his goodbyes and walking back to his truck.

In this life, I just sit back on my phone. Maybe I’ll text you, or send another follow up video. I’m elated when I receive a text back, but the joy dies down quickly. Like the duck forever chasing that golden high that makes him soar above the sky until slowly but surely he comes crashing down to that grey reality. I busy myself, not letting my day be swayed by one event. Because surely thats all it is. One event, in an eventful day.

[captainkippen]

I don't know where I'm going with this, it's just a piece of free writing because I felt inspired. Might keep going and turn it into a short story or something.

TW: Implied abuse.

1994.

The door clatters open like a twister is blowing through and I jerk up with such violence I almost slide right off my seat. There are a few bleary-eyed moments of confusion as my heart calms down before a takeaway cup of coffee is thrust under my nose and I'm forced to take it before it ends up decorating my shirt.

"Rise and shine, loser. You fall asleep at your desk again? You know you're gonna have permanent keyboard marks on your face if you keep doing that."

I bat Jay's hands away from my neck, saving myself from one of his terrible massages. He keeps telling me he has magic hands, but I'm pretty sure the crick in my neck only sticks more stubbornly when he tries to get rid of it. I give my shoulders a roll, sighing into the satisfaction of feeling my joints click, and swivel around to face him.

He's dressed in the same clothes he wore to mall yesterday and the heavy stench of too many cigarettes clings to him which means he probably spent the night at Ricky's - our local 24 hour diner - periodically ducking into the alley to burn through a new pack of Marlboroughs. A fresh smudge of dark purples and blues stains the skin around his eye. I hope he at least gave his brother a bruise back to match.

"What time is it?" I punctuate my question with a yawn just to make a point, but he just grins and holds up his watch.

7:15AM. Wonderful. At least he waited until he used the front door for once. My parents fret about him breaking his neck every time he leaves scuff marks on the window ledge to avoid waking them up.

"Did you actually get any sleep last night?"

"Did you?" He fires back with a raised eyebrow, shrugging off his jacket and flopping onto my bed to grab the latest issue of Rolling Stone from where he left it strewn across one of the pillows last time he crashed here. Comfortable silence falls as I admire the way his fingers bend the magazine back. There's this little crease that forms between his brows whenever he's concentrating, physical evidence of him trying to force his brain to focus on one thing at a time and not the myriad of random thoughts bouncing in there at any given time. I hide my smile in my coffee - he knows I'm not really annoyed, but I refuse to give up the illusion. It's a ageing routine, but one I never get bored of.

I count the minutes until the silence breaks. One. Two. Thr-

"So I was thinking," he says, the sighs like he's exasperated at his own inability to keep words in. It's one of the many things I like about Jay - he always speaks his mind. It makes it easier to understand him.

"Dangerous task for you."

An unimpressed middle finger greets my words before they're completely out. I hold back a snort.

"Sorry. Go on?"

We've known each other since we were seven. Across the street neighbours. He was the first person I met when I moved in with my foster parents. In a street full of unfamiliar tree and looming white houses he sat there on the curb pretending to fish with a stick and a piece of string. He'd called over as I got out of the car, asked if I liked trout. I didn't even know what trout was. That was okay. It was gross anyway, apparently.

I don't remember ever making friends so easily, like we just fell together and that was it. No fuss. Ten years on and the surprise hasn't waned.

"You guys want breakfast?" My mom pokes her head around the door with a tired smile, interrupting whatever train of thought Jay was hopping on.

I shake my head and lift my coffee, ignoring the disapproving look she gives me. Coffee is not food nor is it particularly good for you, but it's also not worth a battle over nutrition before eight o'clock.

"All good here, Mrs H." Jay smiles, all teeth and charm and twinkling eyes, then pats his stomach as if to confirm it. It's a smile that's impossible to disagree with when it's directed right at you.

"You sure? Alrighty then," Mom says, doubt creeping into her tone despite her fond look. She was forever trying to feed Jay, convinced he was too skinny. Worried he wasn't getting enough to eat. I can't say I blame her - some days Jay looks like he's auditioning to play Mike Teevee right after he got put through Willy Wonka's stretching machine, but it's all an illusion. I've watched him consume an entire box of donuts in one sitting more than once. His stomach might as well be a trash compactor for all the junk he eats. Plus he always has snacks tucked into the glove compartment of his car in case of emergencies, right alongside a sock full of laundromat destined quarters, a spare toothbrush and his shaving kit.

"Sawyer, honey, can you please clean up a bit in here? It looks like a bomb hit it. Guests don't want to sit in this."

"Half of this is his mess!" I splutter as my mom smiles and disappears back down the hall. "He's not even a real guest!"

Jay only laughs and ducks out of the way when I throw a balled up sock at his head. Asshole.

"So as I was saying..."

"As you were saying," I roll my eyes, gesturing for him to continue.

"I think we should do something."

"What, like go to the movies?" There's nothing good out at the moment, I'm pretty sure. We spent all last weekend debating whether or not to go see the latest Keanu Reeves movie only to spend all our cash on popcorn and get kicked out halfway through because Jay's running commentary made me laugh so hard I choked.

"No man, like... something interesting."

"...bowling?"

He shoots me an unimpressed look and I raise my hands in surrender. What else could he possibly have in mind? Our town only has three things to do; movies, bowling or the mall. We've been cycling through each option all summer. It's the same thing every year and it does get old after a while, but it beats sweating to death outside and spending all day playing video games sets my dad off on the perils of computer addiction. If I ever have to hear another lecture about technology rotting my brain it'll be too soon.

"For a writer you sure are lacking imagination."

"Well what do you suggest, then?" I huff.

There's a gleam in his eye and the warning lights start flashing in my brain just a beat too late. I know that look, it's the kind that got me put in detention three weeks in a row last semester for filling Roy Jackson's football helmet with food dye after he called spread a false rumour that Mary Harring blew him in his backseat. In my defence, it was all Jay. In his defence, I didn't stop him. Principle Ikener's never looked so disappointed. Roy Jackson's face was pink for a week. Scraping gum off the bleachers has never been so satisfying.

"Okay, hear me out first, alright," he says as I groan. We both know I'm already doomed to agree, but we play the part like he has to convince me anyway. Like I said, an ageing routine.

There's a pause in which I repress a sigh and let him dramatically drum roll his fists through the air and then he says, "Europe."

The word is emphasised with jazz hands and I can only stare at him for a moment, my brain trying to compute it. Did I mishear? Did he get part way through a sentence then forget the rest? He stares at me expectantly and it's all I can do to repeat the word slowly after him. His resulting nod is reminiscent of my aunt's excitable golden retriever.

"What about Europe...?"

"We should go."

"What?"

"To Europe," he insists. "We should go."

"You want us to go to Europe."

He looks at me like I'm being deliberately stupid. "That's what I said."

"But... why?"

Summers at home are dull. Three long months of sweltering heat and so many snow cones we make ourselves sick, and weeks on end of trying to think of new things to do, but it has never been so bad that we've resorted to leaving the country before. I'm confused.

"You're always talking about how much you want to travel! And we've got time. two and a half months before school. Think about it, we could be spending that time on the beaches in Spain, or looking at fancy architecture in Italy! I can drag you 'round some museums, you can force me on a tour of places famous English writers lived and we can get sick of each other in style."

Morning light spills through the window and highlights the dustmotes in the air. The bruises on his face seem darker with his face haloed in gold. I get another whiff of cigarettes and realise the smell is staler than usual.

"I don't know," I say. "My parents-"

I get a set of pursed lips in response. His expression is strained.

"Your dad is always saying we should broaden our horizons. He'll be thrilled. Besides, think of all the cute European girls we'll meet."

"How would we even afford it?"

It's a deflection. For a pair of teenage boys, we're both pretty good with money. Weekend jobs at Blockbuster and Baskin Robbins. I still have money saved from my Bar Mitvah, mostly because I've never really wanted anything enough to really splash out. My clunky computer works just fine and I'm content with books and notepads. Jay saves like his life depends on it, and maybe it does. Money for gas and food for the infinite hours spent avoiding his own home. Money for college. Money for escaping.

He stares me down.

One, two, three days since he left the Rolling Stone on my pillow only to pick it back up this morning. I'd noted his lengthy absence yesterday, but I'd just assumed he'd gone fishing. I should have known something was off.

"Please?" There's a desperate edge to his tone that rugs at my heartstrings and it's all I can do not to demand he tell me why he's suddenly so keen on visiting Europe when he's never expressed any such desire before. Instead I just sigh.

"Okay, but you get to convince my mom."

[aion-rsa]

The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 14 Review: Yokel Hero

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This The Simpsons review contains spoilers.

The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 14

The Simpsons season 32, episode 14, “Yokel Hero,” is an alternate take on the “small-town talent goes nowhere” trope. Cletus Delroy Montfort Bigglesworth Spuckler, voiced by Hank Azaria, picks and grins his way to the edge of country music stardom, prodded by true believer, Homer Simpson. Yes, this isn’t the first time Homer’s discovered a country singer, which is addressed in the episode. But he was drunk then, and had to drive miles off the beaten path. In “Yokel Hero,” he is also drunk, but this time he is walking.

The episode opens auspiciously. The gang is assembled at Moe’s Bar celebrating Carl’s birthday, which leads to an inspired melodic addition of “and Lenny more” to the greetings. It’s a special day, like Canadian Thanksgiving or Jewish Arbor Day, and Moe does things right. He even oils the barstools. Marge doesn’t appreciate it when she calls asking for Homer, which sets up the groundwork for the subplot. What price is freedom? Homer has someone at home angry that he might crash his car and die before dinner. But single guys, like Carl, Lenny and especially Moe, can drive off a cliff free as a bird. In a way, this is a foreshadowing to Cletus’s impending dilemma, which makes it something to sing about.

The episode is filled with songs, as this season has been generous with. It opens with Homer’s homage to “Singing in the Rain.” He dances like a tipsy Gene Kelly, while singing lines like “peeing in the drain … what a glorious feeling I’m blotto again,” and even finds a rhyme to bond him in friendship with Kirk Van Houten. The scene is ample evidence never to try and dance your way out of a public intoxication stop.

Homer first realizes the depth of Cletus’ music while in the drunk tank. The off-the-grid Hillbilly from Rural Route 9 is locked up for moonshining, and has deep blues. Of course, every small-town jail has a guitar, so Cletus gets not only a chance to countrify his emotional turmoil, but turn down a chance to electrify it. His simple melodies and lyrics which both rhyme and apple blossoms with tasty possums resonate with Homer, who vows to turn his life around, or at least take a detour.

This all happens very quickly, even the opening theme and couch gag are skipped, and the episode begins closing credits before the opening ones. We get a lot of information about Cletus’ family. Some it is contradictory to what we’ve thought we knew. He says still loves the gal he got pregnant when “they was 16.” In “Yokel Hero,” Cletus says Brandine Spuckler is his cousin, but in earlier episodes he’s said “of all the cousins I could’ve married, you was my sister.”

You might think Cletus is from a family of Goobers, but that’s his wife’s side. Cletus comes from a long line of no-accounts. He may not be able to resist a good pyramid scheme, but he knows BTS’s Jungkook. Cletus is the character who points out there are still two more acts to follow, and specially whittled credits to boot. Cletus is much more astute than the surface shows. There is a deep knowledge underneath his wisdom that has nothing to do with information.

He is, of course, a graduate of the Mississippi Institute of Trailer Trash. He also got a cultural education while squatting inside a closed Blockbuster, where he conceived his kids Be Kind and Rewind. Cletus knows the Andy Griffith-starring vehicle A Face in the Crowd is far closer than Homer’s insistence he is living A Star is Born, whichever version. Cletus is, however, of the opinion the 1932 film, What Price Hollywood?, which all four A Star Is Borns were based on, is the better movie.

The country singer in A Face in the Crowd was also found in a drunk tank, and had an inordinate amount of clout when it came to what his fans would do for him. The scene where Wiggum’s car is overturned by Cletus fans mirrors a scene where Griffith’s character tells a whole bunch of people who are listening to him on the radio to go down for a swim at a wealthy local household.

It is amusing how, in his management notebook, one of Homer’s first revelations is “people like good songs.” For an audience which has jars for both tips and teeth, songs about kids and a bellyful of ribs are as golden as Cletus’s first true love. This guy is the real Yokel Ono. Of course, his songs reach the audience. They are simple, painful and forged on generations of moonshine swilling. Cletus is immediately the cover boy on “Washboard,” “Backwoods” and “Entremanure” magazines. The show makes commentary on the country music industry only obliquely. Cletus now considers his family to be the Taylor Swifts, Carrie Underwood, all of them Mumfords.  

Cletus is right about being afraid of success. He’s heard the celebrity stories. Even though Lurleen Lumpkin (Beverly D’Angelo), the country singer Homer managed before nationwide fame, sold 12 gold records, she spent the end of her career headlining a series of famous rehab centers. The Simpsons has never been above a little name dropping, but they really score big on Mr. Ed. Repurposing Saturday Night Live’s “the horse is a corpse” wordplay, we learn the beloved TV legend was a heroin addict. “This horse was on horse? Of course, of course” is a classically twisted line.

Even though Cletus notices, in person, “Elin” looks nothing like she did in the Nemo movie, we learn the actor/standup/talk show host is exactly as she seems. When she’s not dancing alone in her dressing room, she’s making the audience dance in punishment for not applauding loud enough. God forbid you look her billboard in the eye. 

The story rises and falls so quickly, it might appear rushed, but it does play out fully, and was probably arranged this way so Albert Brooks could take over the final act. There really is no one who talks like A. Brooks. When he says he loves you, you feel loved. When he tells you you’re going to be bigger than Campbell’s Soup, you can believe Tomato Soup is an unreachable pinnacle. His spiel about how there are so many Netflix specials they should call them “Netflix normals,” and riffing on the Obamas is standup sitting down. He pitches a dinosaur animated musical to his basketball client because he could jump out of a tree and sing a song like a small dinosaur. Part of this tells us what a bullet Cletus dodged, but most of it was just to let a veteran guest mouth off. The Simpsons love Brooks, and usually reserve this kind of off-course riffery for Dan Castellaneta.  This is the reason there is no couch gag or opening, this may have been tagged on but it had to be.

Moe continues his sad sack journeys. He makes two sets of keys for Homer’s car, which he is holding until Homer isn’t drunk. The unspoken punch line to this is that it could be years before Homer is sober. Two more seasons have been added to The Simpsons, and that’s enough to drive anyone to drink. Moe turns that around by taking Homer’s car to be washed because it makes him “feel like a man who owns a car.” A very sad comment on an already sad life.

Both Cletus and Homer grow in this episode. Brandine shows Cletus how he was seduced by “promises of short underwear and professional haircuts.” Homer learns not to pause too long when Marge asks if he wants to disregard his wishes. Even Chief Wiggum learns you just might have the next national superstar locked up in a holding cell. As long as the evidence room is filled with cellos and hacksaws, he is a captive audience.  

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The Simpsons delivers an extremely nuanced take on several well-worn themes. We know “Yokel Hero” will come to a predetermined end, because Cletus is a series regular and forever stuck in his local role. He will never see his dream of an all-American family moonshine distillery with not a single American employed come to fruition. But the concluding factors are unique. Homer makes a great point when he says he wasn’t playing god. This is an original character. Even though it is a role he played before, he learned nothing from it. This makes the episode fresh. Homer continues to hold on to the emotional purity which bonded him with the message and messenger of the music. Cletus’ final advice, “What happens in jail stays in jail, unless you’re breaking out of jail,” is classic down-home, common sense comedy.

The post The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 14 Review: Yokel Hero appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[allofthisnonsenseplease]

firesonic152 - 08/25/2017 have we done reckless treasure hunter au yet it feels like something that needs to happen if it hasn't XD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/25/2017 We have NOT done reckless treasure hunter AU yet! =D

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 okay so reckless treasure hunter au a la uncharted/indiana jones/the mummy/etc who's the main treasure hunter, gabe? and if so how did jack get stuck on the adventure XD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 Jack isn't the idiot idealistic treasure hunter and Gabe is the experienced traveler/best friend along to keep him from getting himself killed? XD

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 OMG love jack is like I'M DOING THE THING and gabe is like You Will Die if i don't help so

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 and pining along the way! =D

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 lol gabe is like a rando in a tavern who just overhears jack talking to someone about his adventure plans and gabe is  like banging his head against the bar finally just gets up, slides into the free chair at jack's table, and says hey kid i'm coming bc you are an idiot

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 XD Gabe just inviting himself along That's how he's gotten to have all his awesome adventures! He meets tons of explorers and treasure hunters of varying levels of skill and just ends up playing advisor or tagging along for fun Jack's all: 'But how do I know you're as good at this as you say?' and Gabe's like: 'What the fuck do you want, a resume?' And he invites Jack back to his place, and Jack is all cool, guy's hot and I could do with a good fuck but Gabe's walls are covered with photos from his adventures and ones of him posing with people famous in the explorer circles Jack's aiming to join

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 OMGG LOL JACK GETS THE WRONG IDEA AND THINKS GABE IS LOOKING FOR A ONE NIGHT STAND ONLY TO DISCOVER HE ACTUALLY WANTS TO COME ON THE ADVENTUREE and by the time that's made clear jack's like "GODdammit now i really just wanna fuck him >>"

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 ^^ heehee yes. good. Jack spends the entire adventure trying to impress Gabe to get into his pants and fucking shit up bc he's not paying attention. But when things DO go south, and he's actually trying to keep them alive, he's kinda badass. Gabe cant figure out if he's an idiot, or someone who could be really good at this with a bit of experience.

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 AHAHAHA JACK QUIT SHOWBOATING AND FOCUS he does like dumb shit too like trip and totally miss the intended booby trap, instead accidentally crashing through the very old wall

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 JACK. Some respect for antiquities, please!

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 ahahahaha gabriel's always getting distracted by cool structures and wall carvings and telling long stories about history that jack didn't even know happened jack tends to zone out and just listen to gabe's voice without really hearing the words bc it's so soothing lol

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 oh lord. XD We gotta give him something tho, don't we? What if Jack actually has a background in linguistics and can decipher some of hte ancient languages they run across, but it's like that tumblr post that talks about how it really goes, and it's all full of unclear meanings and doesn't scan well in English and he gets so distracted puzzling over it that he forgets to run for his life when traps are sprung?

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 OMG gabe knows spanish but jack offhandedly seems to be at least a little fluent in everything????

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 He surprises Gabe towards the end by having understood Spanish the whole time, and Gabe is SO annoyed and indignant over it, 'cause not all he was saying was insults and curses, some of it was about how hot Jack is and what Gabe wants to do to him, and he's just I THOUGHT YOU WERE AN EXPERT ON DEAD LANGUAGES and Jack is just -'.'- that doesn't preclude me knowing a few commonly used ones. It could be that Jack understands Spanish and a few others, but doesn't speak them well. XD Like, he can manage to order food and ask directions, so Gabe thinks he just knows basic tourist phrases and that anything quick and/or complicated will go right over his blocky, blond head

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 i love that shit he has a terrible accent but he can understand almost everything and like some really random languages too lmao

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 Jack def knows klingon. XD

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 AHAHA

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 and possibly elvish XD

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 NERD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 that's where he got his start! =D

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 when gabe is like WHAT OTHER LANGUAGES DO YOU KNOW jack sheepishly lists those off and gabe is internally like holy shit i'm in love with a Nerd

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 and he just branched out from there, and went into ancient languages 'cause they felt closer to these made up ones bc there aren't native speakers he can learn from

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 >w<

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 okay, but...Gabe being like. Klingon? Seriously?? Wait. Wait wait wait. Hang on. And he produces a photo of himself in Klingon cosplay. XD

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 GAAAAABE THAT'S GAY

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 XD Dude. The Klingon guy was a fukkin' teddy bear (from the few eps I remember XD)

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 i'm dying what treasure are they going after a golden corn idol?? maybe a cool red and black orb thing like the reaper souls

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 hrmmm.... XD They get to the center of the massive temple filled with deadly traps and Jack is just THE REAL TREASURE WAS THE FRIENDS WE MADE ALONG THE WAY! :D

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 AHAHAHA JACK

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 Hell, maybe Jack just wants to find some lost manuscripts or something. And he's all gaga over this treasure, but he doesn't tell gabe exactly what it is, only that it's priceless.

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 omfg it's some nerdy linguistic rosetta stone shit

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 XD

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 oh also in terms of skillsets jack is the one who can Actually Aim a pistol

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 BUT HE'S ALSO THE IDIOT WHO INSISTS OF HOLSTERING IT AND BRINGING A KNIFE TO A KNIFE FIGHT????

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 they're in a situation where they need to be accurate and jack is like "GABE SHOOT THE THING" and gabe looks down at his shotgun like uh well LOLLL gabe doesn't even know jack is a good shot until that moment bc jack always insists on Punch

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 X'''D Just picturing them trying to flee the temple as it crumbles aroun them, and Jack's pack and arms are filled to bursting with clay tablets, rendering him USELESS

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 AHAHA

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 Gabe: Just DROP THEM!! Jack: They're PRICELESS!! I can't just let them be LOST FOREVER!! Gabe: It's those damn tablets or US! Jack: WELL IF YOU HAD LET ME TAKE RUBBINGS OF THEM-- Gabe: THE ROOF WAS LITERALLY STARTING TO CAVE IN ON US

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 AKJCNAEKCJNASCKK later tho gabe decides it's worth it bc he's literally never seen jack so happy

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 Oooh! Ooh ooh ooh!!! Can this be another one where Gabe is good at drawing and Jack compliments him on the sketches he does of some of the temple rooms and engravings?? And, like, it's one of the few interactions where Jack's Thirst doesn't take center stage in his interest in Gabe???? ((i <3 artist!Gabe))

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 omg yes!!!! he does the nathan drake thing where he has a journal that he just draws everything in >w< and he draws jack!!!!

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 looking thru it later, Jack finds himself included in the sketches, and he actually blushes. He puts the journal back before Gabe catchins him peeking. XD <3<3<3

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 eeeeeeeheee one of them is him sleeping

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 he fell asleep after one of their big escapes and he was still covered in dirt and shit but gabe just had to capture it

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 there's one of him bent over a manuscript he's trying to interpret, brow a bit furrowed in concentration. Next to it is a rouch sketch of his face lit up with excitement from where he'd puzzled out a difficult piecec.

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 akciaskjcnasckasnjc jack does appreciate the sassy commentary gabe adds to some of his drawings and notes lol but ahhhh some of the pages are very clearly gabe just. practicing drawing jack's face like they're unfinished and rough and slowly improving

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 awww -^^- pfft. omg. okay, but, when Jack shows up on the morning they're supposed to start their trip, he's dressed like Indiana Jones, and Gabe just snorts and says that he looks like he's form the porno ripoff. XD

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 AHAHA the nathan drake look suits him better i think can u tell i'm in love w nathan drake

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 I've seen your posts from the game. ^^ ((i actually have not seen/played anything from your list, except i think i saw part of The Mummy a long time ago. Also, the heart-ripping-out scene from one of the IJ flicks))

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 WAIT SERIOUSLY YOU'VE NEVER SEEN.... INDIANA JONES LIKE. NOT EVEN THE FIRST ONE ??????????

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 Nope. I was v young when i accidentally saw the heart thing and it kinda freaked me out. ^^;;;;;;;;;

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 WELL LISTEN YOU GOTTA the second movie isn't even the seCOND MOVIE IS THE WORST ONE ANYWAY WATCH THE FIRST AND THE THIRD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 XD no scary ritualistic murders in those?

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 NO JUST A GOOD TIME AND LOTS OF PUNCHING NAZIS well there is a bit at the end of the first one where they melt a bunch of nazis with the power of god but

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 i feel like i might have seen a clip from that??

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 you almost certainly have oh my god i can't believe you've never seen indiana jones please fix this

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 XD my dude, there are HUGE FUCKING GAPS in my pop culture awareness

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 THE THIRD ONE HAS SEAN CONNERY IN IT I'M

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 I KNOW WHO HE IS!!! =D

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 WATCH!!!! THESE MOVIES OH MY GOD i don't know if i can continue to associate w you if you don't

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 W O W okay i see how it is XD

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 YES YOU DO WATCH INDIANA JONES

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 I'll add it to the list of stuff I need to watch =)

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 ADD IT TO THE TOP OF THE LIST I WILL LITERALLY BUY YOU A DVD OF IT OFF AMAZON AND SEND IT TO YOU IF THAT'S WHAT IT WILL TAKE

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 No, no. Don't do that. I'm sure I can find it on youtube or something.

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 skjcnskjscnskejcn anyway this got so off topic XDDD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 which one's the first one?

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 I WAS LITERALLY JUST ABOUT TO TALK ABOUT GABE DOING THE CLASSIC INDIANA JONES MOVE OF SLIDING THROUGH A CLOSING DOORWAY AND LOSING HIS HAT AND HAVING TO GRAB IT AT THE LAST SECOND BUT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN IT raiders of the lost ark

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 I've seen it referenced in, like, EVERYTHING I'm familiar with bits and pieces. Like, I know he fukking shoots some guy threatening him with a sword. XD

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 YES ALCJNAEFKJN AND SO MANY CLASSIC LINES "asps. very dangerous. you go first" "snakes... why'd it have to be snakes" "bad dates" SO MANY GOOD LINES

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 hahaha we had these felt critter hats when I worked at Michael's and one was a snake and i put it on and joked about making an asp of myself and no one at work got the pun ._.

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 ksjvnskjnaekucnaec that's a quality pun right there my dude .... ANYWAY WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 anyways. Gabe nearly losing his beanie while sliding under a closing trap door

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 XDDD jack: FORGET THE BEANIE GABE OH MY GOD gabe: I LET YOU KEEP YOUR TABLETS jack: YOU CAN BUY BEANIES IN A STORE GABE!!!

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 X'''''''''D Gabe: YOU CAN BUY PLAYDOH AND MAKE YOUR OWN FUCKNG TABLETS

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 AHAHAHA so when do we get to shoot jack >w>

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 Well, do you want a dramatic, one-time thing? Or do you want Jack to be a walking target? Kids running through a village square shoot him with water guns. They run across a reclusive village and he gets shot with blow darts. The bad guys graze his arm during a chase. Gabe finger guns his way out of small problems, leaving them for Jack to solve. XD

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 lolllll jack gets doped up by a blow dart and gets all sleepy and cuddly

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 d'awww X3 Gabe acts more bothered by it than he really is, and hopes that Jack won't remember much when he wakes up. -^^-

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 >w<

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 !!! okay, so what if Jack, in SUPER NERDY FASHION has a rosetta stone-shaped tattoo on his back filled up with, like, a personal motto or something written over and over in all the dead languages he's learned with room towards the bottom for him to add if he learns a few more. and Gabe teases the hell out of him for it, but the first time they sleep together, Jack's on his knees and Gabe's behind and when Gabe traces over some of the writing in response to Jack's demand for touch, Jack gasps out the words in whatever language Gabe is tracing.

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 OH MY GOD DUDE OH MY GOD????

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 ^^ the first two ar Klingon and Elvish. XD

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 lmao fuckin NERD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 OF COURSE

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 ooooo damn i wanna draw that tattoo and it's a dumb motto like one of the things he says in the game like "no guts no glory"

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 eat your yogurt

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 AHAHA

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 XD

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 "i love the smell of charcoal in the morning"

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 X''''''''D Jack says it in horribly accented Spanish after Gabe goes through all the ones tattooed there, and that's when Gabe realizes that he knows more than he'd let on. He starts going much harder, murmuring all sorts of flithy things in Jack's ear which only gets Jack even more riled up.

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 iunuyghcrfyvkhbihbijni WHEN DO THEY GET TOGETHER THO do they find an ancient ring or something and jack jokingly puts it on gabe's ring finger

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 SURPRISE IT'S CURSED AND POISON-TIPPED PRONGS POP OUT WHEN IT HEATS UP TO BODY TEMPERATURE

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 LOLLL

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 ((i read a horror story like that once, only it was a bracelet and also not scary)) pretty jade ring? ^^ or Gabe finds something like that and tosses it to Jack who fumbles it, but manages to catch it and glares and then notices there's an inscription and it's something about a long and happy future and much fertility between the giver of the ring and the reciever i dunno maybe jack nearly gets his dumb ass killed 'cause he had to choose between saving the tablets or gabe's hat and he chose both and nearly fell into a pit

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 OMG

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 OR! What if, running through the traps, they think they make it out safe until Jack notices one of  the poisoned darts in his ankle and, like, passes out. When he comes too, Gabe just full on kisses him and is like I THOUGHT THE POISON HAD KILLED YOU but Jack is just 'What? No. It's a thousand years old it's lost all its potency. i just haven't slept since I started taking pics of all these new writings that need translating.'

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 OMGGG I LOVE THAT SO MUCH gabe stares at him and is like "WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT YOUR TERRIBLE SLEEP HABITS LATER" and kisses him again

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/26/2017 Jack has no issues with this turn of events. XD

firesonic152 - 08/26/2017 >w<

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 jack tries to convince gabe to fuck him right there in the ancient temple gabe is sure that's a good way to get some kind of obscure disease

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 Gabe: Gross, Jack. Didn't they used to conduct virgin sacrifices on that altar? Jack: Well, I'm not a virgin, so Gabe: ENTIRELY not the point.

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 gabe, mumbling: also "virgin sacrifices" referred to virgin blood as in blood that hadn't been used in a ritual before, not someone who had never had sex before but jack: jack: fuck me now

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 okay. p sure in those campy ass movies with melting nazis, virgin sacrifices are EXACTLY what they sound like

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 XDDDD i want a scene where gabe is trying to read latin and pronounces it like italian and jack is disgusted

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 XD

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 jack: i can't believe it gabe: what jack: i'm actually Unattracted to you right now

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 Cue Jack scooting in so close to Gabe that he ends up with Gabe's arm around his shoulder as he points to teh line Gabe was mispronouncing and walks him through it.

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 eeeeeeeeeeeeee jack: all "c"s and "g"s are hard... gabe: lol jack, smacking him: FOCUS THIS IS SERIOUS

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 Ah!! That sort of thing continuing after they've gotten together, and Gabe can bait Jack in close by mucking up his pronounciation and then yank Jack into his lap to cuddle him and Jack actually won't object 'cause he's too busy lecturing! XD

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 EEEEEEEEE gabe starts kissing jack's neck and jack is like "I'M LITERALLY NOT EVEN IN THE MOOD FOR ONCE THIS MAKES ME TOO MAD"

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 Gabe, as his hands wander lower on Jack's body: Come on, mi sol...I just want to see how long you can keep up that perfect enunciation.

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 kjnskjcnksjnckjnd bc of course jack is the nerd that can Speak Latin he starts muttering angrily in latin as gabe gets more and more thorough gabe's goal is to get to the point where jack doesn't have the brain to do that anymore

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 X3 go go gabe!

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 it takes a surprisingly long time like gabe is already fucking him and has bowled him over onto his back

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 Jack has switched over from whatever he was reading to shouting encouragement and praise in Latin. Gabe is startled by how effectively that works on him.

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 HEEEEEEEEEE BEES!!!! gabe doesn't really know what he's saying at first until one of the phrases is really similar to spanish and he's like Oh

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 Gabe's a bit surprised at some of the stuff Jack translates for him later, but Jack just kinda smirks and asks if he really thinks people have changed so much over time.

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 >w> also in the reckless treasure hunter au when do we get to the part where gabe gets cursed by some artifact and becomes reaper lol

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 They've been together for a while, still traveling all around the world to check out beautiful or strange sites. At one location where getting almost all the way to the heart of the crypt was a total breeze, Gabe starts getting antsy while Jack is puzzing over an inscription outside the last door. Gabe: Let's just go on in. There's probably LOADS more interesting stuff inside. Jack: Give me a bit longer. I think this is a warning. Gabe: About what, dust? Jack, this place has been a cake walk. ... . . . Jack. Jaaaaaaaaaack. Jackie. Hey, Ja-- Jack: Gabe. Gabe: Yes, mi sol, mi luna, mi estrella brillante? Jack: See those pictograms? I'm about 90 percent sure they mean 'curse'. Gabe, laughing: Oh, come ON, Jackie! Don't tell me you believe that shit! Jack: I don't know what I believe because I haven't finished translating yet. But go ahead, go ahead. Touch the cursed door. Gabe: Well, I mean, if you're almost done-- Jack: No, no! You wanted SOOOO badly to rush on ahead. Be my guest. I dare you. Gabe: ...I really think you'd be safer with me around, so if you're almost finished... Jack: I double dog dare you. Gabe: . . . if i get cursed, it's YOUR fault. Gabe gets cursed. It's both their faults.

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 LOL GABE IDIOT MOVE the curse IS convenient for exploring though he can just walk through traps to trigger them and then jack can follow with no worry

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 oh, how sweet. -^^-

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 also now jack gets to give gabe bullshit forever about not listening to him and gabe is never allowed to complain about jack insisting on reading Everything without it getting thrown in his face

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 XD so...not running with Jack feeling HORRIBLY GUILTY about daring his boyfriend to get cursed? lol and then being so awfully conflicted when they figure out that Gabe has shadow tentacles now?

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 WELL OF COURSE THAT TOO jack just covers it up with snark and sass until it becomes a problem naturally aijcnaskjcn he starts losing sleep to study harder bc maybe if he could just have translated faster...

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 jack you don't have any sleep to lose

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 he like lies in bed with gabe until gabe falls asleep and then gets up again which... makes him extra clumsy when they're adventuring

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 oh dear oooh...what if Jack keeps talking about finding a way to break the curse and even tho Gabe's been pretty chill with it, they start getting into arguments until Gabe finally agrees and calls in some of his old adventuring buddies for suggestions and one of them is all 'oh, so this is that newbie you were complaining about? the one you said was going to be the death of you??' and jack is just well. great.

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 sekjnsakjncsd cue gabe's old adventuring buddies picking on jack a bunch? XD

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 and jack feeling more and more like crap, so he pushes himself more when they're exploring while still losing sleep to study more.

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 why is he like this who are these asshole adventuring buddies anyway wth XD doomfist i guess?? and widow??

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 Rein & Ana

firesonic152 - 08/27/2017 awww but they're nice people gabe can't punch them out to defend jack's honor

SuspiciousPopsicle - 08/27/2017 Well, I mean, if they're ribbing on Jack for actual things he does/Gabe said, then whatever. Maybe they make fun of Gabe too for getting himself cursed, and that's what Jack actually snaps at them over.

[xpwewarchive]

XPWEW All Or Nothing 2020 (7-26-2020)

Date: Sunday July 26th, 2020 Location: The Barracks in Los Angeles, California Channel: FITE TV pay-per-view stream

(Theatrical trailer intro recapping Ruckus' title reign into the introduction of Jake Awesome into THE SET and their beatdowns on All Man, All Woman, Alveno La Flare, Golden Bryce then lastly Leonard McGraw and shows where Leonard threw a steel chair tht Ruckus' hit him with earlier in the night and throwing it through The Set's limousine windshield to Leonard defeating Bryce on the July 17th, 2020 episode of Friday Night Pyro where he challenged Ruckus to a 60 minute Ironman match for the XPWEW World Heavyweight Championship. It truly is All or Nothing for McGraw and Ruckus)

Our commentary team for the night is Kaitlyn Khaos as always joined by Nick Simmonds. Kailtyn says: "Tonight at XPWEW All or Nothing we will determining who is the 2020 Mr. Case Your Luck, Priscilla Kelly defends her title against her long rival Doxy Deity but this time will Doxy's new friendship with ABA Women's Champion Thunder Rosa prove the difference maker? Nick Simmonds then adds: "We also will see a guaranteed new tag team champions after the All Man and All Woman had to unfortunately relinquish thos titles 2 weeks ago however As well as the 1st ever women's Case Your Luck ladder match will take place right now!"

- Lotus enters - Genevalisse enters - Kiera Hogan enters with 911 Brian Lee - The Set's Chrissy Rivera enters with Siaka Lexoni

The 1st ever Women's CASE YOUR LUCK Ladder Match M1: Lotus def. Chrissy Rivera, Genevalisse & Kiera Hogan (The Set's Chrissy Rivera was inches away from capturing the briefcase but after a muay thai kick to the skull multiple times 10 foot high upon the ladder from Lotus, Chrissy hits the ropes and Lexoni is enraged at ringside trying to wake her up but it's too late as Lotus unhinges the Case Your Luck briefcase and she is the first ever woman to hold the CYL!) After the match: James Westerbeck: "Congratulations Lotus you are the very first woman to be Mrs. Case Your Luck: Lotus: Thank you for correctly addressing my preferred pronoun James, I've never been the type to mince words I think you all know that (laughs) So I'm also not the type to waste my time. I am going to cash in my Case Your Luck opportunity at Heatwave." James: Wow! What a breaking news headline! You heard it here first Lotus will cash in her Case Your Luck privilege at the XPWEW 2020 Heatwave pay-per-view (Lotus walks up the ramp but has a bit of a "moment" "staredown" with Chrissy Rivera and Siaka Lexoni as she makes her way up the ramp)

Parking Lot Area: (With a fixed windshield Leonard chaired 2 nights ago The Set's Limousine pulls up outside and the door opens and we see blunt smoke cloud the air, Out the smoke enters XPWEW International Champion Jake Awesome followed by Myron Reed, Jordan Oliver, Kotto Brazil & XPWEW World Heavyweight Champion Ruckus all dripping swagger and confidence. "The Set has arrived". General Manager Troy Clausen crosses paths with them. Troy: "Good luck tonight gentlemen" The Set: (collectively do the bow to Clausen, except Ruckus who doesn't even acknowledge Troy)

- Myron Reed & Kotto Brazil enter with Jake Awesome & Siaka Lexoni - Death Machine Audrey Carbine enters - Death Machine Joe Gacy enters

VACANT XPWEW Tag Team Championships on the line (Reminder: All Man & All Woman forfeited these titles on the July 10th episode of Friday Night Pyro due to injury when Jake Awesome promised The Set those belts he took matters into his own hands by awesome bomb-ing All Man off the stage, Production airs a replay of the attack and when the camera shows Jake Awesome he smiles at his dirty deed) M2: Myron Reed & Kotto Brazil def. The Death Machines (Joe Gacy & Audrey Carbine)

- During the match referee Mike Chioda ejects Siaka Lexoni and Jake Awesome for causing too much distraction The match ends when a double team effort from The Set pins Audrey Carbine for the 1-2-3 and The Set have captured their 1st tag team titles (After the match: The Set celebrates the title win at the stage ramp (except Ruckus) ) - Left in the ring after The Set's music goes off Joe Gacy helps pick up a downed Audrey Carbine in the middle of the ring and it looks like their finally gonna be friends after having such a topsy-turvy relationship as a team since they were paired together in April by then GM Romeo Roselli, Gacy helps her up, dusts her off with a smile. Carbine holding her neck in pain, Gacy smiles then hocks a loogie and spits right in Carbine's face to which she explodes in anger and they both start throwing forearms at each other which makes the crowd break out into a "Fight Forever" chant. This segmen fades to black after Joe Gacy and Audrey Carbine club each other with stiff forearms.

Ad: XPWEW Heatwave | August 16th, 2020 only on FITE TV

- Doxy Deity enters with Thunder Rosa - XPWEW Women's Champion: Priscilla Kelly enters (Kaitlyn Khoas points out as of today Priscilla Kelly has held that Women's Title for exactly 3 months when she defeated Kiera Hogan at the 2020 Xtreme Rumble)

XPWEW Women's Championship M3: Priscilla Kelly def. Doxy Deity (w/ ABA Women's Champion: Thunder Rosa)

After the match: Mrs. Case Your Luck Lotus comes out and acts like she is about to cash in her briefcase and then sees Priscilla hype herself up and then Lotus slides out of the ring and it was just a faux cash in attempt: As Lotus walks backward up the ramp down comes The Set's Chrissy Rivera who blindsides Lotus and kicks her while she's down. Chrissy then goes to hit Lotus' with the briefcase but Lotus backdrops Rivera over the guardrail and smoothly snags the case handle out of Rivera's hand mid-air and Lotus walks away. We then see Priscilla Kelly clutching her title then a camera shot of Doxy Deity screaming in frustration with Thunder Rosa trying to calm her down

- Golden Bryce enters - "The Marauder" Simon Gotch enters with Mandy Leon - Alveno La Flare enters - Garrett Thompson enters - Champagne Clausen enters - Jake Awesome and Jordan Oliver enter together - Romeo Roselli enters

8 Man CASE YOUR LUCK Ladder Match M4: Romeo Roselli def. Jake Awesome, Golden Bryce, Jordan Oliver. Alveno La Flare, Champagne Clausen, Simon Gotch & Garrett Thompson

(During the match it looked like Jake Awesome was atop the ladder and was going to let Jordan Oliver capture it but All Woman came out from under the ring and low blowed Jordan Oliver knocking him down, Jake then discombobulated looks around to see down below All Man run in with his halo neck brace but All Man shoves the ladder over and Jake falls and crashes through a ladder propped between the guardrail and the apron and breaks the ladder in half on his fall. All Man then rips off the halo neck brace, he's no longer injured WHAT A MOMENT)

(The match ends with Romeo and Garrett the final two on the ladder and Romeo hanging from the case with his legs dangling, GT goes for his patented elbow smash and it connects but Romeo eats the blow and still hangs on, Garrett tries to adjust his stance atop the ladder but Romeo dangling has the wherewithal to unhook the briefcase and fall to the canvas at the 2020 Mr. Case Your Luck!!!!!)

(Jake Awesome is furious with veins popping out of his forehead as the camera fades to black)

ad: XPWEW Lockdown 8 in Madison Square Garden early bird tickets go on sale Saturday August 1st, 2020 at noon

- Ethan Bedlam enters - Awesome Bomb Academy Champion El Demonio enters

1 on 1 Exhibition Match M5: El Demonio def. Ethan Bedlam in under 2 minutes

- Leonard McGraw enters - Ruckus enters with Siaka Lexoni

XPWEW World Heavyweight Championship 1 on 1 60 minute IRONMAN MATCH Ruckus (w/ Siaka Lexoni) def. Leonard McGraw [Final Score: 2-1]

(Ruckus dominated the first 12 minutes of the match and picked up the first fall with 48 minutes remaining with The Bankroll making it ONE to NOTHING) (The match was a back and forth and Ruckus captured his 2nd fall with 25 minutes remaining making it TWO to NOTHING)

(Interference from Jordan Oliver hits Leonard with the title Ruckus goes for the cover but McGraw kicks out and stays alive; Referee Kevin Madrox ejects Jordan Oliver but bends a bit and lets Siaka Lexoni stay after a moment of pleading and begging)

(Leonard started gaining momentum but time was not on his side he was able to connect a tiresome Clothesline Lariat and pin Ruckus for the 1-2-3 with 11 minutes remaining making the score Leonard: 1 Ruckus: 2)

(Leonard keeps going for pin attempt after pin attempt but Ruckus somehow kicks out and with less than a minute McGraw hits a super fallaway slam off the top rope and goes for a pinfall and Ruckus kicks out with 19 seconds left on the clock, Leonard just lays there tired and fatigues and lets the clock expire as they both lay their tired. The clock expires with both men worn out in the middle of the ring.)

"And STILL the XPWEW World Heavyweight Champion RUCKUS!"

(The Set comes out (Jake Awesome, Jordan Oliver, Chrissy Rivera, Myron Reed & Kotto Brazil) and they help Ruckus get back to his feet and McGraw just sits in the corner turnbuckle looking like he just went through hell. The Set assist Ruckus out of the ring as they celebrate yet another PPV win for their leader.) Show Ends

[yahoo-puck-daddy-blog]

What We Learned: Everything going wrong for Tampa

The Washington Capitals are taking it to Tampa Bay in a way many thought impossible. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

I know it’s allergy season and all that, but it’s probably not a good idea for every guy on the Lightning to take a Benadryl right before puck drop.

In two straight games, it’s not just that the Lightning — who dismantled both the Devils and far superior Bruins — has been outplayed by the Capitals, but they’ve been brutalized by this Washington team.

It’s now 2-0 Caps in the series, with goalscoring sitting at 10-4 to the underdogs who, I guess, aren’t underdogs any more. There’s not much here that’s worth breaking down except to say that it looks like Tampa didn’t have access to game tape. The Capitals are doing what they did, more or less, against Pittsburgh and it’s working very, very well for them. Better than anyone had any right to expect.

To be fair though, these were two games that, much like Winnipeg/Vegas on Saturday, didn’t feel close even when they were technically close. Tampa being up 2-1 in the first period, for example, felt like something that wasn’t going to last too long.

Scoring 70 percent of the goals in any given two-game set is certainly within the capabilities of a Caps team with this much top-end talent both up front and in net. But to do it looking this good is the kind of thing only an unabashed homer would have said was likely to happen.

Also, of course, the Capitals’ power play is running at such an incredible level as to be unbelievable.  When they scored to make it 4-2 right at the death of the second period, it marked the 12th game of their last 14 with a power play tally. If you can get your man advantage running like that, you’re going to put yourself in position to win games.

It’s funny, because Tampa’s power play has also been very good in this series, but if you can’t win the non-special-teams battle, this Washington team also going punch-for-punch on the man advantage has to just be demoralizing.

This is the kind of thing that’s not always easy to write about because it’s like, “Well, look, we all see what’s happening here.” Could [insert player name here] be better for the Lightning? Absolutely, but much like the scoring dried up for the Bruins in the last round, that’s a little bit of what’s happening here. The Bolts have one 5-on-5 goal in the first two games of this series and have no answer for the Caps’ forecheck at the other end of the ice.

The wild thing is that the Lightning were the heavy favorites here and they haven’t been presented with anything they had any right to be surprised by, and yet here we are. The NBC intermission show made a point of praising Chris Kunitz as the Lightning’s best player in the first two games, which normally comes off as “We have to talk about someone and he at least appears to be trying hard,” but in this case it was like, “Yeah, no, Kunitz probably has been one of the two or three best players on their roster.” Which, if that’s not a sad commentary on the state of their series, nothing is.

It should be said here, by the way, that Andrei Vasilevskiy has been rather bad in this series, but if he should have given up, say, three fewer goals I’m not sure it makes all that much of a difference. Too many power play goals (obviously), too many odd-man rushes (obviously), and it’s not just the Backstrom and Ovechkin lines doing it. Lars Eller, Devante Smith-Pelly, Jay Beagle. These are not guys who should be torturing a top-three team in the league and yet here we extremely are.

And look, obviously Alex Ovechkin is playing at such a high level at this point that he cannot go unmentioned, but even his having a goal and an assist in each of these games wasn’t really what was moving the needle. Things are going that comprehensively poorly for Tampa that one of the best players of the era scoring two points a game wasn’t the primary reason they lost. Not even close. Amalie Arena sounded like a mausoleum for most of the third period, and that honestly felt like the fans who stuck around kind of not wanting to pile on their guys.

The really telling stat in all this is that in Game 1, high-danger chances were 13-5 in all situations. The Capitals were getting to the prime real estate with ease and the Lightning were not. Factor in the fact that Tampa trailed by multiple goals for most of that game and the problem becomes almost inexplicable. Things went much better in that regard last night (they tied 8-8) but a good chunk of those scary chances were on the power play — much was being made of the Bad Calls in the early going — and more importantly still not anywhere near good enough to make these games competitive.

So the question becomes what you need to fix if you’re Jon Cooper. The good news is that you have no shortage of areas in which to tinker. The Caps are making your team-that-was-among-the-best-all-year look, in this Eastern Conference Final, look like the tanking Sabres on a Wednesday night in February. You can lean on literally everyone and demand better performances, and luckily they can’t really get worse on you in response.

As mentioned earlier, I don’t know how you get this team to be more Engaged because Washington isn’t doing anything special or tricky. They’re picking off passes in their own end and crashing hard on the forecheck when the Bolts try to break it out. Pretty straightforward hockey and it’s not materially different from their approach at any point this season. It’s just all all all working for them right now.

At some point you just have to ask, “Is it because they got Tom Wilson back from suspension?” It would be hard to prove that isn’t. Checkmate.

What We Learned: Playoff edition

Tampa Bay Lightning: Can’t imagine there are too many higher seeds that lose two straight games at home — regardless of how it happens — and then go on to win their series. This is still a really good team, obviously, but you just can’t get bulldozed like this for two games against a team like Washington. The difference in this series, as it is for the Western Conference Final, was supposed to be depth, and specifically how much of it Tampa has. Not hard to remember how only like a week ago we were saying, “What is Smith-Pelly even doing in the NHL?” and now this. You figure it out!

Vegas Golden Knights: Okay so that game on Saturday night was some real “superhero fights the bad guy for the first time in a movie” stuff. Winnipeg looked like it had played in an entire different league from Vegas this season, specifically a much better one. Let’s put it this way: The Golden Knights trailed by two for basically the entire game and only put 21 shots on goal. They scored once at 5-on-5, only generated eight high-danger chances in 60 minutes of hockey, and didn’t really control the game at any point except for a few minutes here and there around power plays and the like. Compare to: Superhero gets new powers, sees the bad guy doing a bad thing, tries to intervene and gets punched so hard he lands six city blocks away. Turns out the Pacific was the first 20 minutes of Spider-Man Homecoming. They just better hope this series doesn’t end like Infinity War.

Washington Capitals: Honestly the difference in this series comes down to two numbers for me: .929 for Braden Holtby, and .855 for Andrei Vasilevskiy. Again, you can’t put it all on Vasilevskiy because if you face 21 high-danger chances in two games you’re going to run into some problems, but c’mon man. Eight fifty-five. Washington’s all-situations PDO in this series is 107.3. Even as that’s obviously not going to last forever, the gaps in their expected save percentages and the fact that Tampa’s home-ice advantage is torched can’t have you feeling good here. Yikes.

Winnipeg Jets: This was exactly what seemed to be the most likely outcome for the Jets in Game 1:  The top line went punch-for-punch with Marchessault, Karlsson, and Smith, and the depth lines really cleaned up after that. In particular, it seemed to me that the Tanev-Little-Perreault line just didn’t let anyone from Vegas’s depth group get anywhere near the net. Which was always going to be the problem. Winnipeg is going to score on the power play, that’s unavoidable, so it was important to score with the Jets’ top line off the ice. Not sure that’s gonna happen too much going forward.

Play of the Weekend

This just kinda tells you everything: This 2-on-1 looked so easy it might as well have been a 2-on-0, and that was Anton Stralman as the man back. Not too shabby.

Gold Star Award

Boy you know who was phenomenal on Saturday night? Big Buff. Just great.

Minus of the Weekend

Can we stop celebrating Bobby Hull? Like, Time’s Up and all that stuff. He sucks — here’s one reason and here’s another — and shouldn’t be shown on TV or talked about or honored or anything except “shunned.” Fire him into the sun.

Perfect HFBoards Trade Proposal of the Week

User “Dornhoeffer” wants to make some moves.

PHI trades Pick 14 and Travis Sanheim and 2019 2nd to OTTA for Pick 4

PHI trades Pick 4, pick 19 and Wayne Simmonds to CAR for Pick 2

PHI selects Andrei Svechnikov

Signoff                  

Ahhhh, well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I’m pooped.                                                                                        

Ryan Lambert is a Puck Daddy columnist. His email is here and his Twitter is here.

(All stats via Corsica unless otherwise noted.)

[xpwewarchive]

XPWEW Friday Night Pyro (6-19-2020)

XPWEW Friday Night PYRO (6-19-2020) results

XPWEW Friday Night PYRO #430

Location: Los Angeles, California in ‘The Barracks’ XPWEW training facility

Episode: 430

Friday June 19th, 2020

[[Recap video airs of the casket match between Ruckus and Alveno La Flare last week then transition to Champagne “trying” to align himself with The Set to their decline then the video transitions to the on-going rift of teacher and student that is the rocky relationship of former world heavyweight champion Golden Bryce and sure-fire future Hall of Fame first ballot inductee Masato Tanaka which then transitions to the crashing of the wedding between All Man/All Woman that was thrashed by Simon Gotch and his irritating puppet show mockery.]]

- The Set enters without Ruckus but Jordan Oliver has Ruckus’ world title as well as his own Juniorweight Title both around his waist 2006 RVD style. - (Where is Ruckus? He has a huge champion versus champion matchup against International Champ: Jake Awesome later tonight? - Kaitlyn Khaos)

- Kotto Brazil front and center informs the viewing audience “Our world champion Ruckus is not here tonight” - Myron Reed grabs the mic and says “That’s right and Ruckus told all of us that he will no longer appear on Friday Night Pyro and ALL XPWEW programming until he receives a ‘thank you’ from the network! That’s right! Until  Ruckus and The SET as the most-watched stable in VICELAND history receive a proper thank you, Ruckus will no longer be appearing on VICE” - Jordan Oliver says “YEEEE!!!! Oh yeah that’s what sup Vice Media! That’s whats up Shane Smith! Spike Jones! James Murdoch! We demand respect! - Siaka Lexoni then caps off with: “And some of you at home might be asking yourself why? The answer is simple. Respect. I mean the whole social network of Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and even Reddit, whatever that is..Were buzzing about Ruckus being not just the XPWEW world champion but the true World Champion of Professional Wrestling as it stands today! So when he gets that proper thanks of gratitude then he’ll return” - Jake Awesome enters - Jake: “So Siaka, You are telling me I have no match tonight? Since Ruckus isn’t here I gotta have a replacement and seeing how I’ve already beaten Jordan, Myron is busy with Joe Gacy. I think I’ll call out Mister Brazil. You and me tonight!!!!!! - Kotto Brazil responds “I’ve been itching for this moment, I used to watch you growing up and now in the year 2020 you are calling me out. I’d love to dance, if you can keep up” - Jake Awesome nods his head and tonight what was originally scheduled to be Ruckus his opponent will now be Kotto Brazil; this is the first time ever.

Ad: The 2020 Devil’s Playhouse is streaming on FITE TV for the price of $19.99 ORDER NOW! June 28th

- Rosemary enters - Priscilla Kelly enters

XPWEW Women’s Title on the line! 1 on 1 M1: Priscilla Kelly (c) defeats Rosemary when Rosemary submits to the Osteoporosis and Priscilla absolutely is not letting go of the hold no matter how much pleading is done by Lotus at ringside. Priscilla baiting her in and Lotus bites and Priscilla bites Lotus’ nose and she is possessed here. It’s a bloody, gory scene as Priscilla lets go and Lotus’ nose is bleeding dark red and Priscilla starts beating her up, we’ve never seen Lotus look so vulnerable here but Priscilla is fed up with all the blindsides. Kiera Hogan, Doxy Deity run down and try to separate her from Lotus, Lotus rolls out of the ring coveting Rosemary, Kiera then blindsides Doxy with a steel chair and misses Kelly but Kelly ducks and dodges until Kiera’s manager Brian Lee hops into the fray and grabs the throat of Priscilla and hoists her up and connects 9-1-1 chokeslam on the chair held up by Kiera Hogan and the slide out of the ring as Devil’s Playhouse plot thickens. As Kiera and Brian Lee walk up the ramp, Priscilla says “you c**t” which was censored by VICE’s west coast feed but the east coasters heard it. Priscilla: “Brian Lee, I beat your daughter’s ass and I’m not afraid of you, you big son of a bitch” *Brian Lee turns around slowly and starts walking back down to the ring *Priscilla is mouthing “bring it, I don’t care, c’mon” *Brian Lee enters the ring and then hits 911 choke-slam on Priscilla AGAIN to which this time Lotus crawls in the ring and applies the helm sharpshooter but Priscilla bites her arm to escape and then she slugs Lotus out of the ring and tells Brian Lee to come back *Kiera Hogan at the ramp; on the mic “Priscilla you should never call 911 if it isn’t an emergency. Too-du-loo”

Backstage: James Westerbeck interview and he is joined by Leonard McGraw McGraw: Ruckus wants a thank you, why isn’t he here, being a champion, he’s not my champion. And look at ol’ Jake calling shots, making matches using that political brush he has, well he might knock Kotto’s head off his damn shoulders tonight but shit I might knock both em off Next Sunday. Including Ruckus, so I’m not saying Thank you. I’m saying You’re Welcome

- Golden Bryce enters - GT and EB enter - Masato Tanaka enters

Tag Team Match M2: Garrett Thompson & Ethan Bedlam defeat Golden Bryce & Masato Tanaka

<<match ends when Bedlam uses the brass knuckles, GT picks up Bryce for Wasteland for the 1-2-3>>

After the match: Tanaka looks at Bryce with disdain. Bryce gets in his face.

Bryce: “You wanna criticize something? Well you lost also tonight, It’s a tag TEAM, And if you can’t understand that, then leave. Just leave. Hell retire, it’s over for you… Tanaka: *dangon fists* Bryce and they start trading blows. Tanaka screams “You wanna end my career then do it” Bryce: At The Devil’s Playhouse, It’s gonna be ME! Golden Bryce vs YOU! Masato Tanaka….and If I win you gotta retire and leave….in fact leave forever and never ever ever come back” Tanaka: extends for a handshake that pulls them in and Bryce headbutts Tanaka…. *Bryce walks up ramp angry* *Tanaka looks at him with a wicked smile* <<As Bryce is walking up the ramp, Taka Michioku’s banjo music plays…HUGE POP>> <screen says “FOCK U” followed by Taka’s music. NEXT WEEK ON PYRO! Take Michinoku vs Golden Bryce!!! *Crowd Pops* - Bryce looks up at the screen in disbelief then looks directly in camera and says…..”okay, okay that’s how it is, I’m game. You wanna get evil? Huh? Indeed. Ok” - Lola Starr (already in ring) - Audrey Carbine enters

Final Women’s Playhouse Qualifying Match 1 on 1 M3: Audrey Carbine defeats Lola Starr via submission

Backstage: You see All Man and All Woman watching their rival on tv

- Audrey Carbine walks up ramp as Joe Gacy is walking down “Don’t fuck this up” says Carbine to which Gacy “flips the bird”

- Myron Reed enters with Siaka Lexoni and Jordan Oliver

Final Men’s Playhouse Qualifying Match 1 on 1 M4: Myron Reed defeats Joe Gacy * After the match Romeo Roselli disguised as a fan jumps the rail and tackles Joe Gacy (this is revenge for the attack he suffered last week during The Wedding, Carbine doesn’t intervene and instead opts to let Gacy get jumped. Gacy and Romeo brawl up the stairs, and then end up at the concession stand where Romeo hits Gacy with a big bag of popcorn, pouring beer on him. Romeo gets up in Gacy’s face, My return to pay-per-view is in 9 days and I wanna win so I want Joe Gacy * *Gacy sitting there against the concession cart slumped, spits in Romeo’s face as a response to which Romeo kicks him more and walks off.

Backstage: GM Troy Clausen on the phone with what we discover to be Ruckus “Well we need you on the show……Let me thank you first Clyde, really, I look for you to have a Bruno-esq run. Surely…. - Champagne Clausen walks in ……I gotta go Troy: Curtis, What do you have to complain about this week? Huh? Champagne: I came to ask you how you let your world champion not appear for an advertised match Troy: Ruckus, is unique Champagne: Ruckus is lazy and undeserving Troy: And what are you? Because to me you look like you fell off…Hard……exits…..

- Leonard McGraw joins commentary with Kaitlyn Khaos and Nick Simmonds

- Kotto Brazil enters with Myron Reed, Jordan Oliver, Siaka Lexoni and Chrissy Rivera - XPWEW International Champion Jake Awesome enters

1 on 1 M5: Jake Awesome defeats Kotto Brazil

(McGraw’s commentary was a lot of shoot promo blending what could be reality with show, unsure but great on the mic)

PUPPET SHOW: Simon Gotch puppet says he’s gonna pillage ALL in the FAMILY and capture his first title in XPWEW in mere moments fades into entrance

- The Marauder Simon Gotch and Mandy Leon enter

- XPWEW Tag Team Champions All Man & All Woman enter

XPWEW Tag Team Titles on the line!!! Inter-gender Tag Team Match M6: Simon Gotch & Mandy Leon defeat All Man & All Woman

Match ends when Gotch makes All Man submit to the camel clutch and in their first defense they lose! Gotch and Leon win! Even more impressive Mandy Leon wins the tag team title in her debut match!!!! WHAT AN UPSET. All Man looks so defeated and All Woman looks upset

“When they tied the knot they agreed for better or worse and wow I think we just witnessed the worst” - Kaitlyn Khaos

NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! "The Marauder" Simon Gotch and Mandy Leon!

Show Ends!