#crackpots and these women beloved <3

[nursc]

all my comfort wes.t wi.ng episodes are the ones where josh has ptsd

[sad-boy-hank]

SWAP AU HCS? GIMME GIMME.

GWEE GWEE GWEE OKI DOKI NDCOWHJVNRWOJINVHRJ----

*enters mania* HERE WE GOOOOO

*edits this post mania lmao---*

** Gestalt and Torture know eachother and are married and are both women <3

** Auditor is omnisexual <3 and also he melty necjwncr

** Like he gets really melty an drippy and gooey (especially on his face) when hes flustered

** Hoffy is a grumpy old man. He an angy boi-

** Jeb "thats right fuckers i gots TWO weapons" Christoff got gored with an antler from a mounted deer head AND bifricated w a stop sign

** Phooby-booby is the only person who can keep jeb under control and even then just barely cebnhncvj

** the amount of security systems he's had to replace is unreal

** Sheriff jokes that Crackpot should "pull 'er by the jaw" and "teach 'er a thing or two". Crackpot is unsure if it really is a joke.

** Sometimes Deimos bullies San but when Sanfo has enough he just fuckin' slams Dei's face into the table necowhjvcnrhv

** 2BDamned's real name is Tobias and he hates the fact that everyone calls him by his gamertag nconwvhiunj

** Church and Jorge are the only ones on their block bc they blast rick astley at random hours of the day and the neighbors just. didn't wanna deal w it ncjwhnojevn

** TRANS 2B SUPREMACY

** hof and aud make out sometimes <3 love wins

** hof and jeb are estranged </3 love loses

** Sanford is selectively mute he knows sign language but doesn't use it out of spite

** Crackpot has his legal name changed from Eli to Crackpot

** Hank decided to blow himself up when Sher got him a second time lmao, suicidal bitches my beloved /j

** Gestalt will literally kill you if you look at her wierd

[keepingup-withthetargaryens]

S7, E4:

Damn. God damn HBO.

I haven’t been writing these because I feel like everything is all a bit more straightforward these days, and people don’t need recaps because everyone is an ~expert~. I got close last week because it was such a badass episode, but this one. I. AM. Shook. 

The before-the-show “remember this” previews always get me because, i.e., in this one, we see Qyburn talking about a “solution” for the dragons, you see Dany getting frustrated, and you’re like SHIT NOT THE DRAGONS. 

But let’s back up.

So we begin at Highgarden (RIP OLENNA) with Jaime paying his debts to Bronn. I hate to say this, because as much as I hated the sand snakes (overall and just... overall) I kind of wanted Bronn to ride off to King’s Landing to save Tyene... somehow. Wishful thinking, because Bronn sends him off to help Dickon Tarly yell at people.

Now on to Cersei. Tycho, this guy from the Iron Bank, is hella creepy. He reminds me of my student loan officer from college who was like “if you take that fifth year, think about all you can accomplish”. And now 1/3 of my monthly income goes away to pay it off. Anyway.

Cersei is still possessed with the idea of controlling the “continent” which at this point sounds incredibly stupid given what we know is to come with the War for the Dawn. But, semantics.

Okay, this dagger situation. Littlefinger is being smarmy, and talking about how Bran almost died, and Catelyn did die. It’s almost as bad as when Bran was like “Hey Sansa, remember how beautiful you were when you were raped?”  It also sounds really “off” to hear Petyr call him “Brandon” because only Cat did that when she was yelling at him for climbing around Winterfell. 

I’m so glad that Meera interrupts the smarm-sesh because Bran isn’t really waving him off. And tbh whenever I see Meera, I just hope they’re not going to go down the “Jon and Meera” twins crackpot theory road. The one where they decide that there were TWO babies at the Tower of Joy, and Ned took one, and Howland took the other? I hate that theory. Let us have Jon. Meera’s a badass, but... THEN she starts talking about how when “they” (the white walkers) come, she needs to be with her family. Ah, yes, her father, THE Howland Reed, who killed Arthur Dayne, who was the only other living person not a baby who was there at the Tower when Lyanna made Ned swear to protect Jon’s true identity. 

Can SOMEONE please just tell this boy he’s a Targaryen already?! I’ve waited 12 years and that’s long enough.

Back to Bran. Bran is still being very Jaden Smith-like and it’s getting old because he’s not really helping anyone. Bran, this is why we left you out of an entire season. Remember that? The North does. 

So, now Arya is here, and maybe she can knock some sense into raisin-Bran. 

Arya looking at the Stark crest, though. *Tears up*

I’m upset that we’ve come so far that nobody knows who Rodrick is. SER RODRICK. I miss those mutton chops.

Arya and Sansa! Together! Being sassy! I love it! Except I only see Maisie and Sophie together, and not their characters, and I’ve forgotten that Arya and Sansa didn’t exactly get along all those years ago.

They talk about how Jon would be SO happy to see Arya, and I hope we get to that point. Arya says that Ned’s statue doesn’t look him him, just as Robert remarked that Lyanna’s looks nothing like her, so that seems to be a trend in the Stark crypt.

I like how Sansa is essentially WTF about her siblings’ new personalities. Bran is a fortune-telling raisin, and Arya is an assassin who broke bread with Ed Sheeran.

THREE STARKS IN ONE FRAME. AT WINTERFELL. I CAN’T.

Clearly Bran has seen Arya do something with this dagger, or he wouldn’t be so creepy about giving it to her. He ~knows. I’m glad Sansa perks up and says something about how Littlefinger has to be up to something, because for a minute there it looked like she was on board with him.

I love how Jon literally interrupts girl talk here, and Missandei is like “well talk later”. 

I also love how Dany just waltzes in there with him, and is apparently fully on board with trusting him at this point.

And we all know how much Jon Snow loves caves. *wink*

I like how he thinks he’s showing her a bit of her heritage, but really, he’s discovering his own as well. 

How CONVENIENT that there are markings showing white walkers, the very things she doesn’t believe in, though?

When Jon touches Dany I literally just wanted to scream “THEY ARE TOUCHING. WHO TOUCHES THE QUEEN” like this is 2005 Pride and Prejudice and Darcy is helping Elizabeth into the carriage.

That look.

I want someone to touch my arm and lead me gently around a cave where I learn about history.

So much tension.

So. much. tension.

People were like “they have no chemistry!” Me: *Gestures at this scene*

Also, the parallels: 

“I will fight for you. I will fight for the North. When you bend the knee.”

There are tears welling up in my eyes.

DAMN, DANY. Don’t ask Jon to bend the knee in a cave because he’s already done that and we saw how that went. But honestly I could totally see them turning this around and having him “bend the knee” some other way, especially because of that tension. DAMN.

~Lingering looks and soft music~

But I don’t know how they’re going to get around the incest factor. It’s not a big deal on GoT but there’s really no way of making it normal between two beloved characters even if they are Targaryens.

In the books, Viserys yells at Dany for not being born earlier so she could marry Rhaegar (normal) because then he wouldn’t have run off with Lyanna (Jon’s mom).

And then they exit the cave so closely it almost looks like they’re holding hands from the angle, but they aren’t, don’t worry. But we’ve come a long way in one episode.

Tyrion’s like, what do you want, good news or bad news first? Varys is like, my hands are cold.

Okay, I feel bad that Dany digs into Tyrion like that, but she has a right to be pissed. I also like how she says Jon and Davos should stay because they’re essentially part of her small council now.

“Enough with clever plans. I have three large dragons. I’m going to fly them to the Red Keep”.

I like how she says “large”. Not just that she has dragons, but like they’re LARGE. Anyway.

AND THEN SHE LOOKS TO JON. TO JON.

He’s like “who, me?” Missandei and Varys are like “who, him?” 

Help me Jon Snow. You’re my only hope.

And he gives her a speech about doing impossible things, which he has ALSO done. The layers. (I’m not just saying layers because the Onion knight is right there.)

Every time we see dragons I’m like “can Rhaegal come say hi to Jon” like we’re at the damn pet store.

Arya. Sparring with Brienne. I also can’t. If you think back to when Ned was telling Arya she’d make a fine lady one day, and she told him that’s not who she was, so he hired Syrio, and she was getting somewhat decent, but she wasn’t great. Now... on par with Brienne. We’ve come so far. *ANTM fist pump*

Pod’s like “damnnnn”.

Sansa’s like “who is my sister”. 

Littlefinger’s like “oh fuck”.

THIS. IS. GAME. OF. THRONES. 

Honestly you can tell this was so fun to shoot for the two of them, and I love it. I’m living.

Omg Jon acting like he’s in middle school: “who?” YOUR CRUSH JON. YOUR CRUSH. “I’ve seen you staring at her good heart”. ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH THIS DIALOGUE, D&D?

Okay, two things are happening here. 

1. Davos CONTINUES to mention Missandei OF NAATH. Not just, Missandei. While it’s common to mention where people are from, nothing on this show is coincidental. He even talks about if she wanted to sail home to Naath. Just FYI - if you want to know something slightly sketchy, look up the butterflies of Naath.

2. They talk about names, which Jon is like “semantics”. Are they setting us up for his Targaryen name reveal?! “My mother and father weren’t married”. BUT WERE THEY?! Ugh I can’t wait to get into this and talk about how they probably were but this post is long enough as it is.

Missandei speaks 19 languages. And she doesn’t know what a bastard is. Okay.

Jon’s aggression toward Theon. YAS. There’s my little warrior bb. His expression is the epitome of “over this shit”.

I’m honestly surprised Theon had the balls to walk toward Jon at all. Okay not funny.

Okay, sidebar: sometimes I just think about Kit in Pompeii. Running around. Being a gladiator. I’m done now.

“The Queen is gone.”

OH MY GOD DANY IS GOING TO GET THE LANNISTERS. 

“If the head of the line is ambushed, the tail will never be able to reinforce it in time” - Randyll Tarly, you foreshadower, you. Head. Tail. Dragon. I see you.

“Rickon.”

“Dickon.”

Bronn: *Cackles. Is all of us*

I like how Jaime continues to call him by dead Stark names - previously, Rickard, and now Rickon. 

But then. Hoofbeats. DAMN, DAMN. I hate the Lannisters but I like Jaime and Bronn and I know what a shitstorm is coming for them and ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE IT?!

I like how you can hear the Dothraki screaming from that far away, before you can even see them. Remember this conversation that Robert and Cersei had in season 1? Robert: I do know this: If the Targaryen girl convinces her horselord husband to invade and the Dothraki horde crosses the Narrow Sea...We won't be able to stop them. Cersei: The Dothraki don't sail. Every child knows that. They don't have discipline, they don't have armor, they don't have siege weapons. Robert: It's a neat little trick you do. You move your lips and your father's voice comes out. Cersei: Is my father wrong? Robert: Let's say Viserys Targaryen lands with 40,000 Dothraki screamers at his back. We hole up in our castles. A wise move. Only a fool would meet the Dothraki in an open field. They leave us in our castles. They go from town to town, looting and burning, killing every man who can't hide behind a stone wall, stealing all our crops and livestock, enslaving all our women and children. How long do the people of the Seven Kingdoms stand behind their absentee king, their cowardly king hiding behind high walls? When do the people decide that Viserys Targaryen is the rightful monarch after all?

Those payoffs, though.

It all looks quite stormy, as though this battle will go in favor of Daenerys Stormborn.

Sidebar: they did a fantastic job with the CGI background, here.

Jaime, if Bronn is telling you to go, you go. He doesn’t play around.

“DRACARYS”

DAMN, DANY.

And people are shook. People are stepping over each other’s ashes like it’s Pompeii (shout out, Kit) while the Dothraki mow over them.

I’ve watched a lot of war movies.

I’ve watched a lot of battle scenes.

And, damn.

Big question: Are Rhaegal and Viserion at home, or?

Sidebar: this must have been EXPENSIVE for all that fire power.

Archers with regular arrows: nope

Bronn with the scorpion: SHIT

SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME WE HAVE TO WATCH BRONN SHOOT DROGON WHILST DANY RIDES HIM. THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN. I feel like this is the worst kind of dread because you KNOW it’s going to happen.

Bronn is 100% “if I were into that, I’d be into that.” Like, if I were into guys with issues and lots of war wrinkles, I’d be into him. Which means I slightly am. Anyway.

And after Dany and Drogon almost gets hit, SHE DOESN’T LEAVE? SHE DOESN’T LEARN FROM THE FIGHTING PIT SCENE? GO, GO, GO.

As much as I am in agony I’m also like THIS IS PRIME GAME OF THRONES. BRONN, AIMING A GIANT CROSSBOW THING AT A DRAGON WHILE DANY RIDES IT AND TRIES TO BURN HIM TO A CRISP? THIS. IS. GAME. OF. THRONES. BITCHES.

Sidebar: How does Bronn know how to operate this thing and dramatically throw the sides down like that?!

TYRION IS HERE? SHIT. THAT MEANS BAD THINGS FOR DANY AND/OR JAIME BECAUSE HE IS HERE TO WATCH.

“Your people can’t fight” A) Does Tyrion now speak Dothraki? He’s terrible at Valyrian. B) Is this also a reference to the fact that Tyrion MAY not be a Lannister after all? C) Is that a hint of the Rains of Castamere in the background? But like a slow remix? Um... who is going to die

Jaime, watching his soldiers crumble away like ash. Third Pompeii reference.

Bronn, shooting at Dany.

The music swells.

Drogon roars.

Tyrion watches with interest.

Bronn loads the scorpion.

SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.

He hits Drogon. He moves to strike again.

DANY AND DROGON ARE FALLING.

Okay, Drogon burns the scorpion to a crisp, but IS HE OKAY?! BB!

Dany’s really going to pull that thing out herself?

No, JAIME. DON’T DO IT.

You one-handed idiot.

But honestly that shot of Jaime galloping along the burning riverbanks toward Dany is cinematic goals.

Dany actually looks scared, but Drogon’s got her.

BAM.

BOOM.

P.S. If they killed Jaime off, I feel like they’d tell us. They were outright with Olenna... they weren’t outright with Jon. Jaime still has a lot to do.... Valonquar, anyone?

UNTIL NEXT WEEK. P.S. If you like my recaps as much as Davos loves Jon Snow, please let me know and I’ll continue writing them.