#crabtain kirk 😔

[vulcanhello]

this is your sign to go read ‘windows on a lost world’ trust

SPOILERS!!! because i have to talk about this book but don’t want you, reader, to miss out on these absolute gems because you saw it in a main post. i’m saving u <3

anyways. KIRK AND CHEKOV SPEND like 60% OF THIS BOOK AS ACTUAL, FOR REAL CRABS. (they’re alien crabs called kh!lict but ykwim) they’re on this ancient alien planet who used teleportation mirror portal things to get around but the old long gone crab civilization is so space racist they cannot conceive of other living things so everyone who goes thru the portals becomes a fucking crab. it’s very ‘the time machine’ for my hg wells fans out there.

the catch is that when you get turned into a crab your brain more or less turns off and it’s difficult to overcome the need to be a crab. only kirk manages it really. chekov on the other hand goes FULL barabrian crab:

crab cannibal chekov. canon ✅

and the other crab was a redshirt who also got crabified 😔😔 so i’m glad this book is going along with the honorable tradition of making star trek characters go through the most batshit jnsane events imagineable and then not following through on that. we don’t even know if chekov remembers at the end and for his sake i hope he doesn’t. it’s not even really not true cannibalism because when you get turned into a crab it’s just your cells rearranging into crab formation. chekov is a canon cannibal i am so sorry kid

meanwhile kirk and spock are managing to communicate bc the crabs are like chameleons and can change their shells and kirk figures that the only way to talk to spock is to become so blinded with rage that the shell doesn’t look like ANYTHING, therefore if he gets VERY MAD and stops and gets VERY MAD and stops he can make his shell flash morse code. which apparently only he and spock know. imagine being mccoy at this point. THIS is what star trek books are all about for real. insanity. and even when kirk is like wow! talking like this is really exhausting i can’t keep it up! he still uses as many big words as possible and mentions spocks name in ever sentence He Is the Only One Who Understands You Bro. Relax. I Don’t Think You Can Impress Him By Morse Coding the word Juxtaposition. but i’m glad you did it was funny for me.

also like halfway thru spock and mccoy are very busy doing Important Things to Save Captain Kirk and meanwhile kirk is unable to stop his crab brain from chasing down the only woman who got turned crab because Male Crabs MUST Reproduce. It Is Law. ok no more dr moreau jokes but ykwim. it’s just so funny. eventually he finds her and she kicks him off a cliff as she should.

anyways. kirk is a crab chekov is a crab several redshirts are crabs and in the end even spock goes crab for the greater good. absolutely the best thing i’ve ever read.

also:

one more funny bones part the poor man had so much going on. can u imagine being bones and spock comes back from looking for kirk (who has been missing for like a day) only to tell you ‘doctor the captain has been transformed into a for real crab. figure out how to feed him because otherwise he will starve. also please figure out who chekov cannibalised’