#court reporters

[my-midlife-crisis]

He even tucks the thumb

oh boy

Welcome to the Fourth Reich dickheads. This is what you wanted. This is what you get.

[nevermind-i-dont-wanna-know]

We all know Wymack would have easily accepted Jean as one of his players and I have no doubt that he already considers Jean one of his kids. But like, you can’t tell me that man didn’t almost fall to his knees in relief after realizing he won’t have to deal with the PR nightmare that would have been Jean and Neil doing press duty (and Kevin “I’ve never been skiing” Day) Like he’s been exposed to Jeans sass and I just know that man sent the Trojans coaches a nice bottle of liquor each with a note that just says thoughts and prayers

[thenalssp]

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[incorrect-tmnt2012-quotes]

Renet: What is your date of birth?

Mikey: July 13th.

Renet: What year?

Mikey: Every year.

[swampthingking]

andrew’s definitely gotten in trouble with his pr manager for tweeting things along the lines of:

“no mania inducing medication will compare to the euphoria i will feel the day donald trump drops dead”

[mistykaru]

i posted this on insta bc i was like 'im gonna do inktober this year someone recommended peachtober let's do that weee' and then instagram said it went against trademark and counterfeit guidelines and it got taken down 🙃 anyway. idk what to do about it bc it's not in the posts removed area so i can't even request a review😭 anyway the prompt was paw and i thought about those little paw pad sock glove things

[afurtivecake]

The funniest jerejean dynamic would be, "mutual pining despite having achieved a level of casual closeness that even dating couples may find hard to replicate." Jean is convinced that love could not be in the cards for someone like him and even if it were, Jeremy would hardly go for someone like him. While Jeremy has his "I am a Responsible Captain" hat on so tight that starting anything with Jean seems borderline unethical to him, even though he reeaaally wants to. Except they're also picking each other up from the airport or wherever whenever the other calls, picking up toiletries/daily use items for each other, share a joint calendar and talk to each other every day before going to bed. Even better if they're also subtly but consistently trying to flirt and tempt the other into making a move, but it's not working because they're both hard countering each other's flirtations as if their lives depend on it.

[ovrrdogg]

Hfjone au where instead of kidnapping people for his reality show he accidentally discovers twitch and starts a stream and becomes the most popular twitch streamer ever. People love tuning in to watch forest man and his wacky antics. They love the “larp.” Twitch keeps trying to get him to come to cons he can never attend. People make wildly popular edits and gifs of him to share on stan twitter.

Instead of getting people to entertain him, he works to entertain people.

[budd-ie]

“Mu Qing is too logical for his own good” is such a real problem that he deals with and as tragic as it makes his life I also think it’s really funny when someone is accusing him of something and instead of telling them to shut up or leave him alone the first thing he does is pull out the 95 fucking theses detailing every single thing wrong with their argument WITH historical evidence and additional considerations from scholarly psychology articles, MLA format works cited and completely annotated. It could use an editor and some bias correction, but he actually makes a pretty good point. anyways tgcf ace attorney au when

[coffeeco001]

Reporter: Neil, witnesses saw you and Andrew kissing, can you confirm your relationship?

Neil:

Andrew, looking at the picture: That's not me.

Reporter: The picture isn't edited, the man in it is clearly wearing your jersey?

Andrew: Jersey? For what?

Neil: Wait, Andrew you play a sport?

Andrew: Why would I? Hockey is a waste of my time and energy.

Reporter: But.... its... it's you in the picture?

Andrew: Why the hell would I kiss some dumbass like Josten? Besides I have an identical twin.

Reporter:

Neil:

2 hours later

Aaron: Why the FUCK am I on the news?

[gh0st-0f-luke]

nine excerpts from a transcript of wei wuxian’s appearance in traffic court ft. judge!lan wangji (read on ao3 here)

[deathtodickens]

Later...

Claudia: Why do you look like that, man?

Pete: I can't get this bronzer to come off.

Claudia: Did you get the temporary stuff?

Pete: Tem... porary?

Claudia: Dude.

Pete: Huh, well that explains that.

Claudia: Why do you even have it on to begin with? And so much?

Steve enters the kitchen, stops and stares at Pete.

Steve: Who won an Oscar?

Claudia laughs, pointing at Pete.

Pete: Ha ha very funny.

Claudia: It was.

Pete: Hey, leave the jokes to a professional, okay? Of which, I am.

Steve: Not at all shockingly, you truly believe that.

Pete: It's the first day of October. I'm just trying out a few costumes before the 31st, to see if I can get H.G. back into the spirit of Halloween.

Steve: I wish you were lying.

Claudia: Do we want H.G. back in the spirit of Halloween? I recall the last Halloween that she was into being a bit too spirity.

Pete: Of course, we do--

Steve: Not. We absolutely do not. Do you not remember what happened?

Pete: Yeah, we all went on an amazingly awesome adventure in the Warehouse, together, as a family. We fought off animated Halloween decorations that stalked us in the dark. Myka used the zip-line upside-down like a bad ass to save her wife from encroaching darkness. And then we blew up every light in the warehouse to level an army of murderous, soul-snatching plastic skeletons--

Steve: That took us days to clean up...

Claudia: I'm still changing lightbulbs...

Pete: --and I'm not so sure all of those skeletons were plastic.

Claudia: It was kind of fun blowing up the Warehouse. You know, in a not-destructive kind of way.

Steve: No, no. It was destructive. It was a very destructive kind of way.

Claudia: Right. Sure. But we didn't have to artifact it back.

Pete: What's another warehouse explosion amongst friends, huh?

Claudia: I mean, I do still have some light bombs stashed away in my room. Don't tell Artie.

Pete: That's the spirit!

Steve: I just want to drink hot tea, read a book, and watch the weather change from the comfort of my own bed, in my own room. Is that so much to ask?

Steve does not wait for an answer. He turns and leaves the kitchen.

Abigail enters in his place, she stops and stares at Pete.

Then bursts into laughter.

Abigail: I really thought Myka was pulling my leg when she said you'd lathered yourself up in bronzer, just to play a prank on Helena.

Pete: It wasn't a prank. It was encouragement. She loves Halloween!

Abigail: She loved Halloween. I think the soul-snatching skeletal remains of a Spirit Halloween clearance sale sucked that love right out of her.

Pete: Well. She liked my costume.

Abigail: That's not what I heard.

Pete: Then you've heard nothing but dirty, rotten lies.

Abigail: Did she seem amused when you revealed your costume?

Pete: She didn't seem entirely unamused.

Abigail arches a skeptical brow at Pete.

Claudia: What was the prank?

Pete: Not a prank.

Claudia: What was the not-a-prank?

Abigail: Apparently, when Helena questioned him about (Abigail gestures toward Pete with her hand) this, he said, very enthusiastically, that he'd been bronzed.

Claudia: Peter Jenkins Lattimer.

Pete: That is not my middle name.

Claudia: The woman has trauma!

Pete: It was inspiration!

Claudia: Fueled by nightmares!

Abigail: I don't think the woman who spent a century encased in bronze needs to be inspired. Like, at all.

Pete: That was a century ago.

Claudia: No, it started a century ago. She's barely been free for one decade.

Abigail: You do know she remained conscious the entire time.

Pete: I know she remained conscious the entire time.

Claudia: And was so fucked up when she got out, all she wanted to do was destroy the world and everyone in it.

Pete: I mean, I was there. So yeah. I do recall her attempting to, at one point in time, destroy the world and everyone in it. Thankfully Myka's hotness saved our asses.

Claudia gasps.

Pete: What?

Claudia: You did bronzeface!

Pete: What? No. That's not a thing.

Claudia: You're doing it right now!

Pete looks to Abigail.

Abigail: Don't look at me. I was born this way.

Claudia: I can't believe you did bronzeface at H.G.

Pete: Stop saying it like it's a thing.

Claudia: People from the bronze sector do not deserve to be mocked in your incessant quest for validation and frights.

Pete: They are literally criminals.

Abigail: Wow, Pete. I really thought better of you.

Pete: You know what, I'm just going to go take a very long and very hot shower until either the bronzer or my skin comes off. Whichever happens first.

Pete exits.

Claudia, laughing and calling after Pete: Hey, maybe try painting yourself blue tomorrow instead. Pretty sure none of us has ever been Smurfed.

Claudia and Abigail fall into a fit of laughter.

Somewhere between the kitchen and the upstairs bathroom, Pete retrieves his phone from his pocket and says, "Hey Siri?"

She appears.

And Pete whispers into his phone, "What is bronzeface?"

[bookburners]

I love how Neil wears ratty clothes to be inconspicuous but everyone immediately comments on how poorly he is dressed.

[gothamnewsnetwork-official]

Bernard Dowd cheating on Timothy Drake-Wayne and Astra Jordan-Queen with Red Robin?

https://www.tumblr.com/actuallyredrobin/759452099200303104/hi-im-just-here-to-say-im-a-big-fan-of-yours-and?source=share

Just look at the tags, this has happened more than once. and the reblogs..

Trouble in Paradise; Wayne’s finally in their breakup era?

Tonight we bring you not, but two stories of failed romances in the Wayne Family. Our first story up being the potential cheating occurring in the relationships of Wayne Enterprises (see related articles) newest (and youngest) CEO.

Earlier yesterday evening we were made aware of yet another potential scandal in the Wayne family’s love lives; the third Wayne son and current CEO of Wayne Enterprises, Timothy Drake-Wayne ( @timblrdrake ) (see related articles), may be getting cheated on.

The alleged cheater, Bernard Down ( @officialbernarddowd ) (see related articles), has been accused of two-timing both Mr. Drake-Wayne and their partner, Astra Hal-El ( @totally-not-soupernova ) (see related articles), with none other than one of our beloved city’s very own vigilantes.

Who is this masked home wrecker? None other than Red Robin ( @actuallyredrobin ) (see related articles), himself.

The alleged affair between Mr. Dowd and Red Robin has been going on for several weeks now, the earliest mention of it that we were able to find dating back to July this year.

This, however, is not unexpected given Mr. Dowd’s penchant for saying one thing yet doing another. The most recent example of this being his dramatic turn from priesthood in the Children of Dionysus (see related articles) to moonlighting as a Talon (see related articles) for the Court of Owls ( @court--of--owls ) (see related articles), seemingly without either parties prior knowledge.

Though Red Robin is adamantly denying this connection, Mr. Dowd has been unable to comment, neither have either of his partners, Mr. Drake-Wayne and Ms. Hal-El. We only hope that the young throuple are able to resolve this as soon as possible.

Our second story tonight comes from Mr. Bruce Thomas Wayne ( @officialbruciewayne ) (see related articles) himself, and his alleged split with this on-again off-again partner; Selina Kyle ( @selinakyl-ee ) (see related articles).

Their relationship has been known for many years, though when asked neither Mr. Wayne or Ms. Kyle could pinpoint an exact date, not even remembering at what time they met.

This however, is not the focus of our story. As of only a few days ago, the two have been rumoured to have called it quits. The split is, to the public, relatively sudden given their amicability whenever seen in public or asked of one another (see related articles). We sent an intern to interview Mr. Wayne on the matter, his response was greatly illuminating.

When asked on the nature of the split, Mr. Wayne stressed the fact that the breakup was mutual and that the two are still close. That being said he also found it prudent to mention that it was no fault of Ms. Kyle’s, stating directly -

“ It ended because she deserved more than I had to offer. ”

This comes after many a rumour that Mr. Wayne may be on the aromantic (see related articles) and/or asexual spectrum (see related articles). When asked, he responded that these were untrue, citing is many public relationships with both men and women (see related posts) as a counter.

Unfortunately, this rabbit hole of attempting to figure out the meaning of Mr. Wayne’s words has gotten us nothing but speculation, theories ranging from the tame to the ludicrous and bizarre (see related articles).

As all eyes are on the Wayne’s, we urge all readers to consider tuning in to the live broadcast of the Charity Gala being hosted by the family at the end of this month and consider donating to one of the many causes that will be presented, such as the Thomas and Martha Wayne Foundation where you can donate via website or at their email (donations@thomasmarthawaynefoundation.com).

Let us know your thoughts on the topic (here)

Gotham Reports is certified in unbiased, reliable, and fair journalism.

[incorrect-tmnt2012-quotes]

Kirby: How was your marriage terminated?

Splinter: By death…

Kirby: And by whose death was it terminated?

Splinter: Take a guess.

[mell0bee]

van zieks defendant kazuma prosecuting yeah i expected that out of game 2 case 4 but the fact that they killed gregson off is literally so evil. like. GREGSON. this man has been helping us w cases since like. case 1-3. he has been gruff but silly the whole time and actually very helpful to ryu and susato. he has an established relationship w sholmes and iris and van zieks and then slowly grows a mentor and mentee bond with gina. and everyone’s reactions (but especially gina’s) are so heartbreaking. they were supposed to go to paris together…..

if this was literally any other game i would’ve clocked that as a death flag but this is ace attorney and in the 7 other aa games the closest they’ve come to having a prominent character as the victim is mia fey in literally case 1-2 which everyone and their mother has already been spoiled for (or kazuma which is a similar case to mia but like i had clocked that he wasn’t actually dead from the start lmao). NEVER in a million years would i have clocked that the main police detective of the game who’s been super prominent in every case besides the tutorials and the boat one was gonna die. god. what a knife twist. these games are so insanely good. we can’t keep letting shu takumi get away with this!!!!!