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paradise-of-guilty-pleasures · 5 years ago

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Shattered Reflections {19}

[Helsa RP- Fanfic]

Fandom: Frozen

Genre: Post-Frozen/ Canon Divergence

- Hurt/Comfort, Drama, Romance

Pairing(s): Hans/Elsa, Kristoff/Anna

Previous Chapter: 18. ‘Bullshit’

19.Girls’ Night

Elsa was aware that Hans had gone to introduce himself to the guard and unofficially get them started on the re-training process that morning. Having a ton of her own duties to attend to, she hadn't yet gotten the chance to stop by and visit him to ask him how it had gone. By the time she'd found an opening in her busy schedule it was already evening. But, when she arrived at his room, he was nowhere to be seen, he'd already left with the Captain.

The empty room troubled her, yet not necessarily in the expected way of Hans being missing. No, instead the feeling washed over her because of a realization she'd just made. (She didn't doubt his absence was likely due to being in the Captain's company, who’d probably taken him out for some fresh air. His blade was on the bureau, and he wasn't one to roam outside his quarters, especially with his mobility yet to be at its finest).

What she'd realized, that left a slight bitter taste in her mouth, was that she'd been unconsciously treating Hans like some sort of caged bird. One that she assumed she could come visit whenever she felt like having him sing for her. She felt it was selfish of her and that didn't sit right with her, especially considering he was no longer her prisoner. She was disappointed in herself that it took Hans not being there, for her to notice her thoughtless behavior.

Hans wouldn't always be at her disposal, once he was all healed (which was fast approaching), he'd no longer be confined to his chamber. He was there to serve her and Arendelle, yes, but to a certain extent he'd be free. Anna might have been right in questioning what exactly would happen once he was no longer injured, and the reality of that happening rather soon was just beginning to sink in.

With Hans' full recovery being right around the corner, she knew that her sword training wasn't too far off either. Elsa knew she couldn't keep her training hidden from Anna, with how well keeping secrets from her went last time. This time she was going to be upfront and honest with her even if it terrified her to upset Anna. She was determined to no longer shut doors on her, or at least try her best not to. Elsa and Anna hadn't had much of an in depth conversation about Hans since the night Anna had confronted him. She'd plan to discuss that with her sister after supper, preferably after having some much needed nice relaxing, sisterly leisure time, so they'd be in good spirits. Hopefully it'd go over much better this time without tensions running so high.

Anna was in good spirits as usual. She and Kristoff were getting on well, with Kristoff still having not yet asked her to visit his home. He was brave against all manner of magic and violence, but he would always be a little nervous when it came to being liked by the few people whose opinions he cared about. No man could make him fear, but the prospect of asking Anna out, or for any new advancement in their relationship, seemed as terrifying as the idea of some skirmish. As such, the two were as chatty as usual over dinner, all polite, of course, but always light and cheerful. Kristoff seemed to sense that something bothered Elsa, but he politely said nothing, only gave her a curious head-tilt to invite her to talk about it. He wouldn't be bothered if he was ignored.

"So, how has your evening been?" Anna asked brightly, not minding. She had been informed that Hans was out of his room for the guard training-- and as such, she felt significantly safer around Kristoff, so she had clung to him for the day. Not afraid, but... concerned.

"Hmm?" Elsa let out a questioning hum, she'd been a bit distracted, lost in her thoughts. It took her a moment to register the question she'd been asked. "Oh. Uh, it's been fine I suppose, busy like always, a Queen's duties are never ending." She gave a weary smile. "Most matters regarding the raid are under control, but I could really use a mental break from all the paperwork."

"I bet! Why don't we take the evening and do something fun? Just the three of us?" Anna suggested cheerfully.

"Maybe just the two of you, you sisters need some time to enjoy yourselves without a man kicking around." Kristoff suggested lightly, seeing Elsa's need perhaps better than Anna did. He also saw Anna's slight discomfort. "I'll stay nearby, don't you worry about it. If you need me you can call for me." He knew Anna was uncomfortable with Hans around, but he suspected she was getting more nervous about it over time, instead of less. Anna seemed to settle with that reassurance, though.

"That would be lovely," Elsa assured with a smile. "It's been a while since we had a relaxing time together, with things being so hectic lately."

"Are you sure you wouldn't care to join us, Kristoff?" Elsa asked more out of courtesy than anything else, because she indeed wanted some alone time with her little sister. She was deeply grateful for Kristoff's innate ability to read the room.

"I'll be just fine. Maybe I'll spend some time with Sven, I'm sure he's been getting a little lonely. I could take Olaf too, so he doesn't interrupt girl time. We can go for a walk or something. He's been getting deep and maybe we can talk philosophy and magic and pretend to be civilized for a minute while brushing reindeer." Kristoff did have a funny sense of humor sometimes. They made for a weird crew and he knew it.

" Sounds like you gents will have your own boys night out of sorts," Elsa commented with a slight giggle.

"Sounds like a plan to me." Kristoff agreed lightly. "We'll be back well before bedtime, princess feistypants." He assured Anna with a playful smile. She scrunched her nose at him, pretending to be annoyed by the nickname when really, she thought it was cute and endearing. More fun than just 'princess' for sure.

After clearing dinner, the two sisters headed over to the parlor. The parlor was adjacent to the music room. The music room was definitely underutilized despite both girls loving music. Though there were a few factors that kept them (well mostly Elsa) from making use of the music room. Firstly was that there was rarely any time in her rather busy schedule for such distractions and secondly, and possibly more importantly, was the fact that Elsa had finite musical talent, she may have the voice of a siren, but that prowess did not extend to instruments as well. Elsa could play the piano fairly well, but she was rather inept with all other instruments, she could probably passably play a triangle and maybe bukkehorn, but other than that her musical finesse was rather limited. The music room, of course, had a piano, a harp (which Elsa had yet to hear Hans play) as well as a plethora of other unused instruments.

"So what should we do to start our sisterly session? Playing a game, perhaps? I doubt you'd enjoy just sitting around reading, but drawing might be fun. There's also plenty of instruments we can try to play. Or we could just have a nice chat." Elsa eagerly offered suggestions, listing what ever came to mind and was easily accessible. "Or do you have something else in mind that we could possibly do? I'm fine with whatever you want to do, as long as we're doing it together."

Anna hopped a little at the thought. Elsa so rarely had time to do anything together, but now that they had time, what could they do?

"Ooh, we could start with chatting and see if anything fun comes up? Maybe send for tea and sweets? We can curl up on one of the couches together and talk about something that isn't government. Like, adventure! Or stuff we want to do someday." She proposed, and quickly found a spot, offering her arms to Elsa so they could curl up together. "Kristoff has been telling me about what it's like living in the forest. It sounds hard, but also really nice. Apparently there's a bunch of ice harvesters and loggers on the mountain with their own little makeshift settlement or something. Or, a church and a pub and some houses. Which he tells me counts as a village at least. I'm not sure if I count Wandering Oaken's trading post as a 'general store', though." Anna was always good at starting conversations, but keeping them going was another challenge.

Elsa happily curled up alongside Anna. "Oh, that’s nice. Has Kristoff said anything about when he plans on taking you to visit his home? I've granted him permission to do so, but haven't heard anything regarding that since," Elsa continued the conversation, curious to know the answer.

"What? No, he didn't say anything about that! So that's why he's been so nervous lately." Anna sounded intrigued, and practically vibrated with excitement. "You granted permission? Oh, thank you! That's going to be so fun and exciting! I wish he wasn't so nervous about things like that." She always loved Kristoff and the things she learned about him, she just wished he wasn't so anxious about sharing those parts of himself. She loved the Mountain Man, not the 'official Ice Master of Arendelle' nonsense title that made him a lord.

"Oh! I shouldn't have said anything then, I might have spoiled a surprise," Elsa said as she briefly covered her mouth with her hand. " I just assumed, since you two seem so openly vocal in your relationship, that you would have discussed it already, but I often forget that Kristoff tends to be a bit more anxious like me. Now that I think of it he was a bit nervous asking me for permission as well. He truly does revere you Anna, I'm sure he's just trying to get it right," she assured. "I would really hate to be the one responsible for making you coax it out of him." The last part was a mix of a warning and a tease. Elsa knew exactly how her sister could get when she was excited.

Anna giggled a little. "Okay I won't make him ask~" She hummed, wiggling a little in place. It was definitely going to be hard to get her to not say anything, but she was excited about it. "But I hope he asks soon so I can say yes! I want to go see what he's so nervous about! Jeez, I guess I never really thought about the fact that I've never seen where he lives or what his home life is like-- I don't even know if he has any friends outside of Sven. He talks about the Ice Harvesters but like, I don't know their names? Oh man I really don't know enough about him, do I?" She couldn't help but wonder if that was a bad sign. Was it her bad, or was she moving too fast too soon? How soon was too soon? Were they doing this right? She was absolutely wiggling in her seat, trying to decide all of those things and getting nowhere.

"I'm sure he'll ask soon, you can nudge him a little, if you want, just don't push too hard," Elsa said as she gave a half-suppressed laugh. "Whoa, l think it's perfectly fine you don't know everything yet, you're still working on building your relationship. Even though it feels like it's been forever that you've been together, you two are still slowly and steadily figuring it out. I'm sure the main reason Kristoff wants to take you to his home is to answer some of those inquiries and show you more of his way of life," Elsa reassured her, trying to calm her racing thoughts. "Though maybe another reason why you don't know that stuff is just because Kristoff is rather reserved. Even though he's a fine, friendly fellow, he's not much of a people person, though I think you're responsible for bringing out more of his social side," She paused. "He's already introduced you to his family, the Trolls, and I think if he had other important people in his life he would have surely brought them up by now."

Anna settled a little and nodded. "I guess that makes sense," she hummed, wiggling a little in her seat. They were still young and still trying to take things slow. Or at least, much slower than the last time she tried to date a guy. That uncertainty might always be there, and she couldn't help but be worried. "He is quiet, but he always listens to everything, and chimes in when he has something he thinks you should hear. It's always something good, he's a great listener." She smiled dreamily to herself. Kristoff just made her happy.

Elsa smiled. "I'm well aware of that, he's wise beyond his years and always seems to know the right thing to say when you need it," Elsa added. " He's a good guy and I'm happy you found each other."

Anna smiled a bit, getting some warm fuzzies at the thought of Elsa approving of Kristoff, and that they might be True Love the way she imagined it. She paused though.

"And what about you?" She asked, cautiously. "Any interest in finding yourself someone special? Not so you can do the Royal Duty thing, but just, to have someone else close to you? I know you're not as social as I am, but I can't imagine being as isolated as you for so long and not immediately wanting someone nearby." That had perhaps been Anna's folly, but she couldn't envision not doing that. Maybe it was for the best, things happened as they did, that she didn't end up marrying someone who would only turn out to be a bastard later down the line.

"Hmm? Someone special?" Elsa pondered. "... I've got you, don't I? And I'm happy with that. Do I really need to find someone else?"

"I suppose not, but, what will you do when I'm out with Kristoff? I'll always be your sister, but don't you ever feel like there are some things that you'd like to share with someone else instead? Or that you need a bigger support network? I don't know, maybe I just like having more people around me. Kristoff says that's something to do with my 'type', whatever that means." She shrugged a little. "Maybe most people like just having one or two people. Kristoff sure seems to."

Elsa thought about it for a moment. It's true, that she would get rather lonely especially down the line if and when Kristoff and Anna eventually got married and they wouldn't always be there for her. But would she really be alone? Her mind began to wander and it landed on Hans. He was someone she'd already shared parts of herself she hadn't done with anyone else, because she thought he'd understand her better. With that in mind, she began asking herself the same question she asked time and time again. What was Hans to her? A friend or something else? She still wasn't sure how to label him. And more importantly was it even alright for her to think of him like that? She slightly shook her head trying to get those thoughts out of her head, definitely thoughts she wasn't willing to share that with Anna.

"I think I'll be just fine," Elsa nodded. " I'm perfectly happy with the few people I've got."

"Alright, just, let me know if I need to spend more time with you, okay? We've been apart for too long. I'll always be ready to spend more time with you." Anna assured, leaning on Elsa a little so they could have their time as sisters together. "So, what's on your mind, then? I've talked about my guy, what's new in your life?"

"Thank you, Anna." Elsa did the same and shifted herself closer to her sister. "I thought you didn't want to hear about drabby government stuff?" Elsa laughed. Of course she had more on her mind, but was it too soon to bring it up and possibly spoil the moment?

"Hmm I don't, but maybe if I keep asking, you'll find a hobby that isn't signing papers." Anna teased, holding Elsa's arm in both of hers just to be sweet. She did love her sister very much, and didn't mind that her sister could be a bit boring at times. That was nothing new, she was raised to be a queen. Could hardly hold that against her "Oh, I wish I had the time for a hobby dearest sister, instead of having an arduous amount of paperwork to deal with, but it's got to be done," she sighed. "What kind of hobby would you picture me doing? Aside from reading, if I had the time?" She curiously asked.

"Hmm, I don't know. Some ladies do, needlework, or maybe you'd go riding? All the reading has to make you want to go cross-eyed after a while, and you're the Ice Queen. You're a sculptor and an artist at heart, I've seen your castle." Anna pointed out, referring to the ice palace, of course. "Maybe you should try other arts, see what happens? If nothing else it sounds like fun."

"I think needlework would be too dull, even for me, though I do like the design aspect of it. As for riding I think that sounds lovely, if only the horses would take a liking to me. I've always been fond of art and geometry, so I guess it would be nice to do some more ice sculptures, to test my abilities a bit more, but the problem with that would be where to put them." Elsa noted. "You're right I should try something creative just for the fun of it. Playing piano also again sounds fun even if I'm definitely out of practice."

"Well, you'll only be in-practice if you practice." Anna admitted with a smile and a shrug. She looked around curiously, noting the harp. "Of course, I imagine it's been a while since any of these were tuned. I don't think either of us ever played the Harp." They had it, of course, someone in their family must have played some ages ago, but she didn't know who or when. She had plucked the strings in her infinite boredom, but never really learned to play.

"True," Elsa smiled back. "Yeah, and it sure is a shame they aren't being used." She might have mentioned that Hans was able to play the harp if she didn't know Anna was likely not interested in knowing that information.

Anna let the silence sit a moment. She hated silences, quiet always bothered her. But she gauged the moment, and Elsa. It seemed like Elsa wanted to say more than she did, which was odd to her.

"Is something bothering you?" She proposed, curiously. She was always upfront about these things, never too good at intricacies or subtleties when talking to people. Kristoff was a much better suitor to her than Hans ever would have been, with his caution and tempered words and changing demeanor.

Okay, this was the second time Anna was asking, the first time she only asked what was on her mind and that she could easily brush off in conversation, but this time she'd asked more directly. Elsa felt like she had to answer her, it was her opening which she had to take before she lost her nerve, no more beating around the bush.

Elsa flinched a little, letting out a sigh slightly laced in distress.

"Well kinda, um... It doesn't bother me per se... but it might bother you though." She took a slight breath. "...but I want to be honest with you...like I promised. Um... It involves me and Hans," Elsa stammered. She'd slightly blurted out the last part as she closed her eyes with a grimace.

Anna hesitated. "You're not dating him, are you?" She just had to make sure, the way Elsa was spitting it out like that. She could handle a lot but she really hoped it wasn't that, at least not to start with. Anna was prone to stupid things but she sure hoped Elsa was smart enough not to make the exact same mistake that she did.

Elsa was not expecting Anna to ask that at all, she was utterly stupefied. In a fraction of a second her face altered between petrifyingly pale to completely crimson. Her mouth was agape and only unintelligible noises seemed to escape it. Her icy blue gawking at her sister almost wondering if she'd heard her correctly. Dating him? Elsa could barely decipher if she could even consider him a friend, let alone boyfriend. Elsa thought when she told Anna earlier that she wasn't looking for a 'someone special' that it was clear she wasn't interested pursuing companionship (especially) of romantic variety, not that she was completely opposed to the idea, she just didn't think she was ready or eager to engage in that sort of relationship, as of yet. If Anna even had to ask, did that mean she thought they were rather close? Perhaps too close, and if her own sister was questioning her about her relationship with Hans, how did everyone else view it? Maybe it was just Anna's worst-case scenario, and if that was the case, she certainly wouldn't be too thrilled when she really revealed what she wanted to discuss.

Elsa tried opening her mouth to speak but her voice was inaudible. She blinked a few times trying to get out of her stupor. Her face burning like never before, seemed to be helping in that respect as well. She had to bring her hands up to her cheeks just to try to cool them a bit. There was a slight twang to her tone when finally she managed to regain her voice.

"W-what!? No! Of course not!" She spluttered in fluster as she frantically shook her head. "What gave you that absurd impression?" She covered her face completely with her hands for an instant trying to recompose herself. After taking a deep breath, she pulled her hands down across her face to look back up at Anna.

"Though frankly, you're probably not going to be elated about what I actually wanted to inform you about either," she murmured as she took another deep sigh. Knowing that the mere prospect of her sister dating her ex already put Anna on edge, learning that instead Elsa would be taking sword fighting lessons from the same man that almost slayed her with one, wasn't going to go over any smoother.

"You were just looking really nervous about it, and if it involved Hans it had to be something bad so I just made the nearest guess about what might make you nervous to talk to me. I can't imagine many other things that would prompt you to look all nervous about talking to me, so I'm glad that's not the case." She did notice the long pause and red face, though. She couldn't quite decide what she thought of that, whether it was incredulous, rage, or embarrassment.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." She laughed a little and squeezed Elsa's arm a little to encourage her to go on. "It can't be worse than that, surely?" She suggested lightly. She didn't yet know the half of it, of course.

Elsa grumbled and winced.

"Well..." Elsa began as she fumbled with her hands a bit. " I don't know if you'll consider this far better or worse," she faintly tittered. "... but, um, I want to be candid with you about what's going to happen ahead of time so you won't be surprised by it later," she explained, perhaps stalling a tad. She took another breath. "So... you know how Hans will be assisting in training the guards?" Elsa asked, as if Anna wasn't already well aware. "Once he's healed... he'll be teaching me, as well."

Anna seemed a little suspicious, but tentatively curious.

"Training you... with swords?" She asked, genuinely curious. "You are really not bothered at all by the fact that he tried to behead you, are you?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. "Just-- make sure he's only using wooden swords, okay? And maybe keep a guard, or maybe Kristoff, while you're training?" Anna still didn't trust-- but she also doubted Hans would attempt to stab Elsa with a sword made of wood. He was better than that, at least.

"Yes... with swords," Elsa nodded. She pursed her lips and shook her head. "Not really...I trust he won't ever try to do something like that again," she said softly. Elsa sincerely believed that Hans would have never raised the sword against her, in the first place, had he not thought it was the only viable option given the abnormal circumstances. "Oh! Of course, a guard will be there to supervise and if it puts you more at ease, Kristoff's more than welcome to chaperone, as well," Elsa assured. Though she wasn't sure she could really promise that they'd always be restricted to only using wooden swords. Elsa was surprised that Anna was taking the news a lot better than she had expected.

Anna frowned a little, clearly still not comfortable, but trying.

"I wish I could be that confident in him. But I don't think I ever could be. Not after what he did to us." And Elsa's lack of concern really only made things worse. She was starting to wonder, did she want to die that day? Was that why Elsa was so calm about all this? Or was Elsa truly unfazed by everything?

"I don't like this, Elsa. He's too charismatic, everyone just believes him. Like what happened before was all a dream. Even the guards seem to like him. I did too, that didn't pay off." She wanted to be forgiving, but there was still a cold memory in her heart of being abandoned and locked away to die. She couldn't forget that, and she wasn't sure she could forgive it, either.

"It's not like I wasn't doubtful at first either. I had plenty of my own concerns at the start, how could I not? What he did can't be ignored. Yet he's not the monster I once thought. I'm not condoning the heinous acts he's committed. How could I ever forget, and let alone forgive him for what he's done? But also I can't continue to hold a grudge against him, not when he's trying so hard to make amends. I realized judging him solely on his wrongdoings isn't very fair, especially to think they are what define him as a person, there's more to him than that. I know he feels guilty for what he's done. If he had no remorse he could have easily become a pirate or sought revenge like the Duke, instead of returning to Arendelle for more penance. He'd already received punishment once in the Isles by being stripped of his titles and lashed, and yet he thought that wasn't enough and came to ask for me for more, he was ready to take any punishment I gave him...including execution. I couldn't simply turn a blind eye to all effort." Elsa explained, trying to give Anna a better idea of why she trusted Hans. There was more to it of course, but she didn't want to be rambling the entire night. "I know it's hard to trust him again after what he's done, but you don't have to, not right away, I don't expect you to become best friends or anything, acting as if nothing ever happened. I just hope you can offer him a second chance at least, no forgiveness required. I know interacting with him directly is probably too difficult, but maybe you can just observe him, see if he actually slips up like you expect him to. His charm seems compelling, but can that alone really convince the entire kingdom? I know you're not the only one chary of believing him, I was too, but there's more beneath the surface." Elsa tried to be reasonable, knowing how greatly Hans affected Anna.

Anna listened. The doubt was still on her face, but she was clearly paying attention.

"I'm trusting him enough to not be yelling at you to throw him back in the dungeons." She pointed out, still looking uncertain. "I'm willing to have the guards watch him. Just, don't make my mistakes, okay? You're the smart one, 'Else. Don't fall for the same charm your airhead sister did, I feel dumb enough for falling for it the first time." She folded her arms. It still hurt, deep down. No matter how many times she told herself he wasn't worth it, that he was a liar and a bastard, she hated herself for falling for the 'too-good-to-be-true' prince. Worse, he had claimed some of that was true, that he had wanted to be a good husband. One who couldn't love, though. What was the point of that?

"He told me he didn't know what love was, but knew he didn't have it. Did he tell you the same thing? He said he wanted to learn how, once. I wonder if he's still trying. Maybe that's his real penance. Everyone is human, but in a way I wonder if he knows how to be a human." She looked uncertain, unconvinced, and almost pitying of him. Not quite, but almost. She still carried that anger that made her call him useless. It was both satisfying and painful to see how he crumpled after that. She knew she shouldn't want to see someone miserable like that-- but that was what he had done to her. She would have died in the same misery cast on her, if not for Olaf. Suddenly, she felt she needed a hug.

"I'm starting to wonder if I'm the one being a bad person, even after all he's done. Somehow I'm the one who feels like the bad guy here." She folded her arms over her chest and drew her legs up under them, pulling herself into a ball. What was it about this guy? Even when he wasn't around he was manipulating.

Elsa let Anna's words sink in. She was at a loss of words with the love talk. She remembered Hans once saying he lacked love in regards to Anna and the 'true love's kiss', though she assumed that he recognized that he wasn't in love and not that he was incapable of feeling (any) love. Though Elsa couldn't say she understood love much herself, she only knew the love she felt for her family and her kingdom, but anything else was a complete mystery to her. So much for a relaxing sisterly bonding time. Elsa imagined that Anna would get upset, but she'd never would have guessed it would have been like this. If anyone was the bad guy here, Elsa felt it was her, for unnecessarily hurting her sister yet again. She wanted to wrap her hands around her and comfort her, but started off by gently touching her shoulders. She leaned down to look at her.

"What? No! Hey, please don't think like that, no one is the bad guy here, and especially not you. You have every right to be doubtful of Hans, and maybe I'm being a bad big sister trying to push you into doing something you're not yet ready to do and I'm sorry, I'll stop, I promise."

Anna leaned on Elsa just the same. "No, maybe it's not a bad thing that you're trying to be forgiving. And maybe it's also not bad that I'm not." She assured her. Middle ground and grey area. That was something neither of them was good at, but she was starting to learn it from Kristoff. She always loved warm gestures from Elsa, especially hugs and being held.

"Sometimes it's good to have these conversations, even if they aren't comfortable. Right?" She hummed. It wasn't easy, but it was good. She felt a little better, knowing her sister was being sensible, and that at least now they could compare notes on Hans' behavior. Though, she noticed Elsa didn't say what he had told her, if anything. Maybe that was news to her? It was hard to say. Hans seemed to have a different personality for everyone he met.

Elsa shifted to embrace Anna around her shoulders bringing her face close to hers, so both their cheeks were touching. "I guess so, it does feel better talking about it than keeping it all bottled up inside, though I really hate upsetting you," she admitted, gently snuggling her warm cheek against Anna's.

"Sometimes we need to be upset to solve things, maybe." Anna proposed. She wasn't sure if that was true, but it felt like something Kristoff would say, even if he never had. One of those funny things that didn't sound like it made sense, but somehow kinda did.

"So, anything else we wanna get off our chests or do we have some actual sister fun instead?" She proposed with a little smile. Cuddles worked just fine for her, she never got enough, and Elsa being this close was rare indeed. "Maybe it's good that he's here. Maybe we'll learn something important. He helped stop the raid, after all." Anna wouldn't deny that, at least. Hans was a good sword hand when they needed it, and he didn't act against them when he had the opportunity-- not just the opportunity, but the advantage. If he had wanted Elsa dead, that would have been an ideal time to turn the tides and win favor for the Southern Isles and Weselton. At least some of what he was doing had to be genuine, then.

Elsa shrugged a little. "Nothing else I can think of, unless there's something you wish to tell me, if not I would love to finally get our fun sister time started for real," Elsa answered, her eyes closed and tightening her squeeze around Anna a bit. She loved being able to hold her little sister, feel her warmth, she didn't always have the chance cuddle as much as she would have liked, and she often forgot how good it actually felt to hold another person until she had them once again in her grasp. Elsa opened her eyes and smiled a bit when she heard Anna speak kinder words about Hans. She was glad that she didn't actually believe he was completely useless. It would probably take some time for her to accept him completely, but at least she was coming around ever so slightly and that was good enough for her. "Indeed," Elsa agreed with a light nod.

"I'd be happy to just cuddle for hours." She hummed. They never seemed to have enough time. "Should we paint our nails or something?" She laughed a little. Why not? Something fun that would encourage them to spend time together. "Mhmm," Elsa hummed in agreement. "Doing something like that might be fun, but why stop there? What about building a pillow fort and doing each other's hair?" Elsa suggested with a laugh. It sounded childish, yes, but the two of them did miss out on a lot of their childhood, and there was nothing wrong with them having a little fun and making up for lost time now. They rarely got the chance to spend quality time together so why not indulge a little, with simple pleasures? Anna wiggled a little in place. "Ooh!! Yes!! Let's do all the things we never got to!" She agreed, giggling. "Should I get the pillows and blankets, or the hair supplies and polish?"

"Yes!" Elsa said with a big grin on her face. "I can go rummage around for some blankets and pillows." Elsa volunteered for blanket and pillow duty because they were going to require many to make the most magnificent fort imaginable and no one could deny the Queen, if she decided to borrow a few from some of the rooms for a bit, she'd return the items promptly before bed time. Anna wiggled until the force of her wiggles moved her out of her seat.

"Excellent! I'll go get all the other stuff! And send for tea!" She chirped, and in a bouncing flutter she was off, excited to go get things and spend time with her sister.

Elsa was off too, expeditiously gathering blankets and pillows from nearby chambers and taking them back to the parlor. On her last trip to and fro, she stopped by Hans' room, Hans was still absent, surely he won't mind if she borrowed the pillow he was currently not utilizing. She left a note, just in case, so he wouldn't be puzzled to discover his pillow missing upon his return.

Pardon me taking your pillow.

It's required for a pressing matter.

I'll return it as soon as possible, Promise.

-Elsa

Did she really need to take Hans' pillow? Not really. She had plenty and could make do without it. But, did she want an easy excuse to come check on him later (whether she liked to admit it or not)? Absolutely.

Shortly after, Elsa returned to the parlor with her last plunder of pillows.

"Okay, I think this is enough pillows to make the greatest pillow fort in all of Arendelle!" She proudly proclaimed to Anna who'd been waiting for Elsa to finish her scavenger hunt in order to start the fun. Anna giggled and cheered.

"Yes!!" She chirped, throwing her hands up. "It's so good to see you having fun, and to just, do girly things together!" She wiggled excitedly. Pillow fort first. Then nails and hair. The tea was brought in and set aside. Tea with lots of sweets, of course. Anna's addition. What was tea without sweets?

Elsa was glad to be making a happy memory with Anna, memories they would have likely shared already, had it not been for their unfortunate separation. She knew it was unfitting for a Queen, such as herself, to be acting so childish, but she didn't care, if it meant she could share a blissful moment with her beloved sister.

They had completely rearranged all furniture in the parlor, placing it all in the center of the room using it as the fort's foundation. With Elsa's architectural prowess and Anna's ingenuity, the two girls managed to create a beautiful spacious pillow fort, where they could both comfortably relax inside, in no time.

Anna had painted Elsa's nails crimson red, and brushed out her platinum blonde hair as they waited for the paint to dry. Currently the roles were reversed with Elsa gently brushing her sister's strawberry blonde hair as Anna's nails dried.

"This is nice," commented Elsa as she continued to untangle Anna's hair. "I wish we could have been able to do this when we were younger." She let out a slight sorrowful sigh.

"I wish that too. But hey, at least we had plenty of time to practice for ourselves?" Anna teased, holding up her own brightly-painted pink nails. Anna liked saturated pinks and greens, bright spring-y colors. Anna had certainly had little else to do but perfect her nail polish. "If we didn't have time then, we'll just have to make more time nowadays." She suggested brightly, smiling insistently. There was no reason they couldn't, surely? Well, aside from the whole war with Weselton, but that seemed like something the Isles would handle.

Anna's tease had made Elsa laugh a little. Anna was right though, even with all of her Queenly duties, Elsa should always be able to have time to share with her sister.

"You know what? Your right, sisterly leisure time is important. Especially knowing how precious it is to spend quality time with one another. We should try to start making this part of our weekly routine. I could find a way to set aside some time just to spend with you, so we can do future fun activities together. It would be a good way to help alleviate some of the strain from all my duties. We could even try something different every week, something we never got the chance to before," she proposed a bit excitedly at the prospect. Even Queen's deserved to take pleasant breaks to keep them sane. Family was also important and finding a way to better balance between her responsibilities and the ones she loved was something that had to be done.

"I love it! And, we can take some time in the winter to build a snowman. The old-fashioned way." She suggested with a little laugh. "Or something bigger and better. A snow-fort?" She hummed. Something with their hands, not lots of magic, just to do it for themselves and wear themselves out pushing a bunch of snow around. Maybe they were acting like children, but, so what? Everyone deserved to act childish now and then.

"Of course! And afterwards we can have a snowball fight," Elsa giggled. Hopeful thinking of the future was quite comforting. "Though we might be getting ahead of ourselves thinking about winter already when we have yet to reach summer. Which reminds me that a certain someone's birthday is coming up real soon. Do you have any idea what they would like this year?"

"Oh!" Anna giggled. She hadn't really thought about it-- or rather, it was really hard to think of things when someone asked about birthday presents. "Maybe some new games we can play? Games that aren't charades." She giggled a little. "Or... things that would help me get ready to be more... woodsy? I don't know what being married to Kristoff would be like, if he ever gets around to proposing, but you know... I'd like to show him I'm trying." She offered with a smile and a shrug. She really did care about him, and if he was going to invite her to his home-- well, she'd like to be a little more prepared for maybe, possibly, someday living there.

"I'll definitely keep that in mind." Elsa smiled and nodded. Something to help be more woodsy, huh? Elsa pondered a bit as she continued to stroke Anna's hair. Maybe getting a new outfit would be an ideal gift, one that was less restrictive than the dresses she commonly wore around the castle, something more suitable for the outdoors. Yeah, that sounded like a perfect gift, but she needed to look into getting it made right away, if she wanted it to be ready by Anna's birthday.

"All done," Elsa stated as she finished her last pulling of the brush along Anna's hair one last time. " Would like to take a break to drink tea and eat some sweets before deciding what we're going to do with our hair?"

"Sure!" Anna hummed. "Maybe you should leave yours down? It's such a pretty color and you look so relaxed with it down." She pointed out sweetly.

"I mean, maybe not in the morning, but it's not like you have more meetings to do tonight, right?" She had no idea that Elsa was planning to visit Hans.

Elsa blushed slightly at her sister's compliment as well the idea of keeping her hair down for the rest of the night.

"Yeah, no more meetings tonight." No official meetings at least and dropping by Hans' room to return his pillow was more like a brief visit than a meeting, anyway, right? She'd be in and out in a flash. "I suppose I can keep it down for the night," she said shyly. If she'd ask Anna to do her hair she'd ask why and Elsa didn't want to ruin the good time they were having by bringing up Hans once again. "Yay! I could do it tomorrow morning too. I know you can do your own, but it's just nice to do those things." Anna hummed. She didn't mind braids or no braids, but she did think that Elsa's hair was beautiful, especially down. It must have been the ice magic, her platinum blonde hair was unique in the family. Silvery and beautiful, like the rest of her. Not that Anna was jealous per se. She was jealous of Elsa's poise (in a fond little-sister-looking-up-to-her-big-sister way), but she knew Elsa was beautiful, she was cute. Kristoff loved her, not Elsa, so Anna was pretty happy with her lot. Still, she could admit the difference. Anyway her hair wasn't too bad either (when it behaved). "Well, if you manage to wake up as early as I do, you're welcome to do my hair, I know how much you love sleeping in," Elsa teased as she shifted to bring the tray with the tea set and treats closer to them. Once in her reach, she set out the tea cups for Anna and herself and began pouring the tea gracefully.

"Uuugh, I guess I'll just have to braid your hair tomorrow night before bed, then." She suggested, sticking her tongue out playfully, but smiling. Any time she could spend with Elsa was a good time. Even if they sometimes had to talk about Hans.

#Helsa #Iceburns #Hans x Elsa #Frozen #Fanfiction #Frozen Fanfiction #fanfic #Shattered Reflections

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fearfearer · 5 years ago

Text

i have caught up with the magnus archives.

when i started listening, i started a text file to note down any thoughts/confusion/analysis/jokes i had as i listened. i isolated a few bits of it into standalone text posts that i already posted, but here is the whole thing, my long-form liveblog

thoughts on the magnus archive as i listen

jonny sims gives an impassioned performance of someone's statement-- a diegetic impassioned performance, as we witness it being interrupted and resuming-- and follows it up with his own judgement of merciless doubt. classic. why the impassioned performance? he's just a nerd. i dearly hope this is the fandom consensus

every episode ends at the perfect volume to which i have adjusted it, and then i start the next episode and it blares in my ears. i think the volume of the intro must be like 1.75x the volume of the rest

*makes a serious effort to listen to and remember the name and date at the beginning of the statement recording* *forgets completely within 2 minutes*

i saw a fanart of gerard keay and learned [1] that he must be a good guy after all, since they drew him lookin cute, and [2] that his name is not, in fact, jared key. what, am i supposed to be looking at the transcripts? understanding names properly? in my defense, jonny sims clearly articulates "Jared" when he says it. maybe i'm not as good at decoding british accents as i thought. [footnote added in later: ok good i'm not the only one who hears "Jared" and thinks "Jared" instead of "Gerard"]

when gerard keay was described as having numerous eye tattoos on his joints, obviously my first thought was, "including the ankle? so he's count olaf?" because that's definitely a way count olaf would disguise his eye tattoo: by tattooing eyes everywhere else too and becoming The Eye Tattoo Guy. anyway this is part of why i was not at first inclined to think favorably of gerard keay

"The first thing about this statement that makes me dubious is that it comes from a fellow academic." if you know shit fuck you

it has come to my attention that there are ships. makes sense... after all, everyone in every fandom is horny af*. i'm not in deep enough to ship yet but naturally i'm keeping an eye on it

*horny af for depictions of intimacy, sexual or otherwise, but mostly sexual

definitely feel like i need to be writing down every name i hear because they're never not cropping back up but for now i'll just let it all wash over me

so sasha has been replaced with not-sasha, huh? pretty sure. though i'm not good at distinguishing voices. but that sounded pretty different, and my listening comprehension wrt that table isn't that bad. <<as time passes i doubt myself more and more on this point but not enough to go back and listen again

"You believe me?" "Yes, I think I do." (smashes button labeled "CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT" and a loud buzzer sounds)

IT'S MICHAEL!!! i hope michael is a long-term good guy... he's not seeming like a good guy right now... he says he's mostly neutral. vaguely recall seeing a tumblr post about michael in the recent past but that didn't give me any hints and i don't remember it well anyway. michael's voice is good though. good laugh

i'm not good at visualizing characters based on descriptions, let alone based merely on their voices, so the only image i have in my head of jonathan is a furrowed brow

i'm on episode 49 and i don't like jonathan's distrust of his colleagues... i don't understand why his immediate suspicion was that gertrude's murder was an inside job. hasn't he just learned firsthand that the institute is not impenetrable? it's not inconceivable that someone could enter and shoot her and leave. especially when it took place in underground tunnels connected to unknown locations.

there's a good Old Lady Voice Combo on episode 62

so agnes montague was heavily cursed... that's my conclusion after episode 67

elias seems to tell jonathan to "get some sleep" a lot. though it IS generally good advice

episode 70, 9 minutes, 41 seconds: jonny sims's cell phone goes off in the background

small brain: ghost ship medium brain: ghost train galaxy brain: dirt train

i wanted to see if there was fanart of michael so i looked it up... i might as well have googled "blonde slenderman"

sweeney todd mentions tally: II

for some reason, hearing michael described this time as "a tall man with curly blonde hair and an unnerving laugh" puts an image in my head without my consent, and that image is chris fleming. now, he's not quite blonde, is he? but that doesn't change my casting decision, which is now set in stone. hope he does a good british accent

"YES i know what a meme is."

why is melanie the first/only one to notice that sasha is now not-sasha? is it because she is experienced in firsthand paranormal encounters (whereas the archivists are experienced in decidedly SECONDhand paranormal encounters, save for the worm debacle)? oh, my question was answered handily in the next episode. ok.

the replacer definitely limits its glamour to everyone except one person just so that it can be amused by the distress and confusion of the one person who can see the truth. that must also be the reason it chooses a completely different appearance. it surely COULD replace a person with their exact likeness; it just uses another face for fun, and to be satisfied that it can get away with it.

this table has appeared in like 10 episodes... Guess It's Crucial

jonny sims yelling while swinging an axe. jonny sims goes through michael's door (eyes emoji)

the idea of the replacer killing jonathan and not even replacing him brings to mind "AT LEAST RIDE IT YOU ASSHOLE"

wasn't expecting to hear from leitner at this point... he's dropping tons of lore here. too much lore. so much is happening. i have to say i kinda like it better when the stakes are not quite so high as this.

so at the end of season 2, tim and martin believe that jonny sims killed this guy, who they probably don't know is leitner... and we the audience believe that elias, now almost certainly a double murderer, has very quietly stabbed leitner to death. do i the audience believe it? i'll keep an open mind for now. things are not always as they seem. except when sasha was replaced with not-sasha, which was exactly as it seemed. [footnote added in later: looks like elias being a double murderer was exactly as it seemed.]

so jonathan sims is the name of the actual guy voicing jonathan sims. it's a cecil situation. so are they someday going to go back and retcon every episode to change his name, like with palmer/baldwin? or does jonathan sims just not mind being a character as well? as long as it doesn't devolve into RPS i guess it's fine. if there's fanart of jonmartin i hope it doesn't depict them as their actors bc that's too close for comfort to RPS

there's been a truly hellish c*ndy cr*sh ad that has played like 40 times between episodes and i'm pretty well convinced to never ever play that curséd game

elias has some serious blackmail for daisy, huh? that's heavy, having police characters in fiction who do extrajudicial killings. life imitates art imitates life

"i'm not on drugs or anything. ...what? i could be on drugs!"

he said "ample opportunity" but like "amplopportunity" with emphasis on the "plop"

it was obviously elias who delivered the statement to jonathan in hiding, because he knew he would record it despite not being at work... bc he's a nerd

so if gerard keay has eye tattoos, does that mean he also serves the uhh the observing or whatever? [verdict arrived at later: no he just has those because he's cool. or because his mom tattooed him. ok almost certainly the latter.]

"what do i feed it?" obviously you feed it filled up cassette tapes, jon... nothing has ever been more obvious

it's okay that jon very stupidly burned his hand to a crisp. you don't need even one hand to turn on a cassette recorder. you can do that with your nose

so if these people who are wax figures serve the desolation, and not-sasha was spending time at the wax museum, does that mean there is a connection between the replacer and desolation? i think that would make sense, since both seem to enjoy making people feel bad feelings. also i'm starting to think that agnes was not actually cursed, but that would mean she burned that guy on purpose after being nice to him... was she just really selfish in that way? using him to experience Dating and mutilating him when he crossed the line, so she punished him as a cruel goodbye? or just building up his hopes so they will be even more fun to burn down when the time comes?

"perhaps doing a bit of mindless filing will help distract you." honestly that is something i would like to do in real life... i do enjoy a good mindless task. though doing mostly mindless tasks 40 hours a week is not a fun time for me lately. but it would be better if i didn't have to listen to bad radio at the same time

what?! the friendly midnight acrobat described in episode 90 sounds totally non-threatening and i hope there's fanart of it. was that gym just jared the bone turner helping people live their twisted athletic fetishes?! [footnote added in later: YES! god i hope people draw these turn-boned creatures optimized for their gymnastic of choice. show me a person who remade their body specifically for the balance beam]

so the power endowed in the archivist by the viewening is that when you sit them down across from someone they want to interview, that someone will invariably spill SOME beans and think it was their idea. maybe? [footnote added in later: yes.]

ok so Michael "The Distortion" Michael, of fractals and golden ringlets, has specifically tormented this other michael, lichtenberg michael?

jon is clearly moved to ask questions by an external force because he's a sensible guy who would not try to ask questions when daisy is holding a gun on him

i think basira has precisely the same accent as estelle... or maybe just a similarly staccato way of speaking (or of line-reading)

[episode 93] elias: (holding jon's face between two pieces of bread) what are you? jon: (sigh) the archivist...

well, they did something i didn't expect them to do with this show: create a compelling in-universe reason for jon to read statements aloud. because obviously until now there was none.

jon did the cockney accents. (insert emoji for indescribable feeling)

here's the purpose of the pit: if we all climb in the muddy pit together at night, the earthquake will only jiggle us gently and no one will be inside collapsing buildings to be crushed. it's only logical

ok i was gonna say this before but why is jon still at georgie's house??? he's not on the run for murder anymore, right? he has an apartment with all his stuff in it, right? [footnote added in later: i still don't understand why it was like this.]

i will confess that usually once the credits start to roll i zip to the next episode, but this time i zoned out a bit and it's really funny that jonny sims reads out "Rate and Review Us Online" in his archivist voice

a third michael. this one is probably already dead though. unless distortion michael takes over this guy's body or something. oh, jon came in at the end of the episode to say precisely this.

was episode 100 mostly improvised? if so, that would be appropriate. but i wouldn't put it past them to write every stuttering bit of those four statements

MARTIN...................................................................................................................................................... (typed this as martin gave some of his own money to the lady who expected payment for a statement)

i'm skipping 100.1 through 100.5 for now... just for now.

ok so michael is michael but not lightning mike michael, and two of these michaels are dead, but one is something that has never been alive nor dead. got it

everyone's morality is much more gray than i at first anticipated. the only people who seem to be solidly and earnestly on the side of good, as much as possible, are jonathan and martin and basira and georgie and maybe tim?

so michael just died and was overtaken by pseudo-helen? neo-helen? ok. that's kinda too bad, as i enjoyed michael's terrible laugh and unpredictability. but the feeling of michael being revealed as having been michael shelley feels somewhat similarly disappointing (but a bit less staggeringly groan-inducing) to when the mysterious koro-sensei in assassination classroom was revealed to have been a twink in his past. because of course he was. (that's when i stopped reading that manga. too precipitously dumb to sustain my suspension of disbelief.) it's like, ok, you had an interestingly mysterious character going on, but having solved the mystery, what interestingness is left? not much. fortunately this was resolved by promptly ending the existence of this michael and instead introducing new and improved helen

ooh martin has the asky ability too huh? nice [footnote added in later: he only used it this one time, and i'm wondering if they did that and then forgot and decided that jon is actually the only one with asky ability.] [[another footnote added in much later: How did i manage to mistake jon’s voice for martin’s voice? How?]]

the way martin said "kumo ga tabeteiru" in episode 110... alexander j newall does not watch anime

"I'm a book." ~Gerard Keay, 2017

it was a few episodes ago now but i noticed that when jon clearly articulated "Jared" referring to gerard, elias was like "Jared? you mean Gerard Keay?" (pronouncing it like "Gerard.") there is definitely a disagreement between these two (actors) about how to pronounce that name

the eye, the spiral, the end, the stranger, the lonely, the desolation, the slaughter, the vast, the buried, the dark, the corruption, the web, the flesh, the hunt.

Q: why would anyone want one of these rituals to succeed? A: it's their fetish. it's their sexual fetish

ok time to make up names for each possible apocalypse. these are the real and true names according to me, who knows such things: the eye - the viewening the spiral - down the drain the end - the really end end the stranger - oh wait we know this one. it's the unknowing. the lonely - the alonening the desolation - Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Lightless Flame the slaughter - world war all the vast - the expansion the buried - the grand lahar (or the Smothering) the dark - the extinguishment the corruption - the Great Rot the web - the spidening the flesh - the smorgasbord (or the Eatening) the hunt - come and get it

gerry said there was no dark god of indigestion, but i can tell you from personal experience that there is. though it's true that there is also fear involved, so maybe no separate pantheon is necessary

i sense that there is a battle between people who say it like "gotta get myself oriented" and "i feel disoriented" (as feels correct/natural to me) and people who say "gotta get myself orienTATed" and "i feel disorienTATed," and this podcast falls SQUARELY on the latter team. they've said it like 20 times

idk why he has to be such a dick to helen. jeez

the guy who coded his mind into a computer, which of the 14 was that? the corruption? the stranger? gotta be the corruption, but that doesn't fit perfectly with its rot/bugs aesthetic...

speed -> speeding -> sped. heed -> heeding -> hed. thus i decree

in my dream i listened to a whole episode of this show, narrated by gertrude, and i was like "whoa this is cool" and i went to write it down but i was still in the dream and writing doesn't work in dreams :( also any successful writing in dreams doesn't transfer to real life paper :( the only snippet i remember: “...in his white mouth, which had known only bread...”

"I, uh..." Jonathan Sims, a thousand times, 20XX

martin's job is PLAINLY to distract elias and elias barges in like "martin. i see you're trying to distract me." and martin's like "maybe i am!"

o, jonny took a breath. that's good

he wasn't hooked up to an EKG or anything? you spend long enough with no heartbeat that they're just like "i guess we can turn this off"

this episode about philosophical zombies sounds a lot like that NPC meme from a year or two ago... and it makes me kind of uncomfortable, the way this person inspects others to determine whether they are True Minds or Impostors based on their emotional expressions, their eyes... because i don't always do the correct or appropriate expressions, and would someone judge me as being a non-person who is trying and failing to imitate human emotions?

i generally don't enjoy ships that have more-or-less explicit canon support, but i can't say jon/martin isn't good

melanie blaming jon isn't right... no one had a better plan to stop the unknowing, did they? (they didn't!) didn't all of them agree on the plan and understand that they might die? (they did!) she's just imposing survivor's guilt upon him because he survived for supernatural reasons. but it's not like he eagerly embraced his new supernaturalness, or even asked for it outright! i think she's being unreasonable. i didn't like her insistence on trying to kill elias either, even though elias is a huge dick. what's with her?

wait, peter lukas is the lonely? (meme where calculations and equations whiz past me)

jonathan baa'd

oh, see. the bullet is making melanie act without reason. i get it now. can't say i think they had the best approach to getting the bullet out, but all's well that ends well (???)

martin is being prohibited from talking to jon >:I martin is on a first-name basis with peter lukas >:I...

martin grumbles, "i don't like being manipulated..." while obviously and continuously allowing himself to be manipulated

jon is afraid of and uncomfortable with what he's becoming, at least to a degree, right? but he seems to be going about his duties (i.e. feeding the eye) with vigor and without reluctance. is he really that motivated by his own desire to know and understand? who is he doing this for? is the eye's influence on him so strong that "doing what the eye wants" seems to manifest as what HE wants to do?

"He'd place it over the one he wore already, and he would larf and larf and larf" (from breacon’s statement... just heard it like this for some reason)

deep water could be the domain of both the buried and the vast, because you could lose yourself in the vast ocean, but experience the physical effects of being buried under thousands of feet of water...

so tom han was an avatar of the flesh but he ultimately died after being tortured by the spiral... right?

"we're not people, though, are we? not anymore." close enough, i'd say.

jonathan has deployed THREE "I, uh..."s in episode 131 alone and i want to smack him in real life. FOUR NOW. JON. JONATHAN SIMS THE REAL ACTOR. LISTEN... quit falling back on your "I, uh..."s. and if they're written into the script i'll punch whoever did that too. total of five in a single episode. never utter "I, uh..." again

i hope whoever's throat is okay after doing bone turner voice for a whole statement.

jonny sure needs saving quite often, doesn't he.

peter lukas being a slightly chipper advocate for becoming a follower of the lonely is very strange

neil lagorio and his whole cinematographic history is made up but they namedropped kevin costner, who is real

VERY, VERY GOOD laugh at 23:44 of episode 136

melanie getting her session recorded... i was doing audio transcription for a while and you'd definitely come across bits of therapy-type sessions that very much seemed like they should have been confidential.

i wonder if the eye ultimately turned its back on gertrude and allowed her to be killed. if jon could survive a collapsing building, could gertrude not have survived a couple of bullets? wouldn't the difference be the protection of the eye? [footnote added in later: of course now i see who turned their back on whom.]

i'm somewhat heartened to learn that agnes montague was, in fact, a heavily cursed individual, though she seemed to have embraced it to a degree... and she wasn't made of wax.

i like that jon now includes helen in his office politics briefing

basira's like "Edmund Halley" and jon's like "Halley's comet?" (like “Hale-ey”) and two minutes later jon's like "Edmund Hally" (not "Hale-y")

"What's this?" "OH... That's, uh... that's... my rib..." "Right." (tiny clunk of rib being set down)

so giving a statement puts a curse on you... or is it "having a statement extracted / being compelled" that puts a curse on you? and the resulting curse, the fear it reawakens, is that good for the eye, or is that good for the powers that initially caused the fear?

well, i heard a homestuck reference in one of the patreon names at the beginning of an episode, and who is surprised? of course, i'm not one to talk

episode 144- the english think their summer is bad... as a professional "hot weather is bad" person, i feel doubtful, because if the sky is grey, it is not as hot as it Could Be, and therefore one should quit one's bitching

first statement about the extinction... interesting. but hearing martin be a jerk to daisy makes me sad :(

the powers never tell avatars exactly what they need to be doing, but that's just concerning the means. the ends are always clear: the power gets fed. and all of the powers feed on fear. also jonny is horny for statements. i hope, but also doubt, that his harmful behavior is at least partially the spider's doing. oh, i see now that it's not. yeah.

jon wants to eat fresh and delicious statements produced just for him, instead of reconstituting the dusty old statements already in the archive

episode 148 - samson stiller gets a crush. but in all seriousness, is he becoming an avatar of the eye but like, not institute-related? is that a thing? i guess that would make sense, but still seems weird

episode 149 - considering ring -> rang -> rung, we seem to have stumbled upon spin -> span -> spun, and the compasses gently span around (9:40)

does martin have loneliness powers now? it's sad that he is getting lonely... as a lonely person, i know.

the lady on TV in episode 150 was just speaking simlish.

i really want jon to overcome his urge to forcefully take statements because i want to be able to root for him still

british podcasts really have a leg up over american podcasts, at least among american audiences, purely based on their interesting and varied accents

i can't say the gravedigger's envy doesn't make me myself feel like going to sleep in the cold dirt forever. but bad depression lately is also a factor, so

jonathan having to settle for reading already archived statements instead of harvesting fresh ones is exactly like a vampire (not the kind detailed in this series) who has to choose between hunting people to suck their blood or drinking bags of donated blood from a (near-endless) stockpile. there's an ethical choice with a clear right answer, but the urge is also understandable

jon following up gertrude's tape with just "fuck" was really good. now he's like "ok martin. let's run away together"

spent all day at work thinking about how i can't fuckin believe the first thing jon did when he heard how to escape the institute was to go tell martin like "there will be a great cost, but... we can elope now"

also if tim was still around jon would tell him the way out and he would do it right then and there, i'm 100% sure. like before jon was finished explaining tim would be like "the eyes? (grabs scissors) got it. (does the deed)"

earlier today i was just thinking that we would almost certainly hear gertrude's death on tape, especially given that we now understand tape recorders are wont to turn on autonomously whenever something important is happening. anyway then i came home and heard gertrude's death on tape

peter, as an avatar of the lonely, is easy to play like a cheap whistle because as someone who clearly hates spending time around other people, he is not keen to the symptoms of being played.

elias is like "you'll have to go into the lonely to get him" and jon's probably thinking "but then at least we'll be in the lonely... ~*~*~together~*~*~"

i think martin's whole thing for most of the series has been that he sounds a little doofy, for lack of a better word, and people constantly underestimate his intelligence. and now he has played peter lukas like a cheap whistle and forced me to realize that by taking for granted that he was being successfully manipulated by peter lukas, i too was underestimating martin... and his pure love for jon <:3c no but seriously i even remember explicitly making a mental note to remember that martin is smartin but it fell by the wayside as my emotions (of sadness that jon and martin seemed to be growing further apart) took precedent

i work a non-verbal job just doing mundane tasks and that gives me all the time in the world to think about things like "if they were to have jon and martin reunite in a tearful embrace, how would you convey the physical contact in an audio format? like, whap? soft thud?"

jon enters the lonely and voiceover peter comes in to try and factcheck the ship

i guess it makes sense that peter would try to do the ritual for the lonely all by himself

did he kill peter by asking him to death? or did peter just self-destruct rather than be forced to answer?

the way jon snapped martin out of the loneliness just by making him look at his face... that's powerful. as a lonely person, i know that the most cry-making thing you can realize when you feel alone is that another person is, in fact, there with you

martin went for a walk and now it's thunderstorming. i wonder if he came back as soon as it started raining and now he's standing nearby invisibly as jon reads the intimidating magnus statement. ...I GUESS NOT

i plan to read through the transcripts of all the episodes (as it’s faster than re-listening, though i might selectively re-listen) so that i may better understand some things and answer some questions in this post that i didn’t ultimately resolve. i can’t say i was paying 101% attention all the way through. also april is very far away

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