#couldnt focus on my actual art assignments until i doodled this so like

[flakettie]

new babygirl just dropped

[vampexx]

I have tried a few times now to write this post but I just couldnt go forward with posting it, thinking its too personal...

But...here it goes...

I have always been a painfully shy, paranoid and self conscious person so being this open is really scary for me to say the least due to my struggles with confidence and self esteem...

And drawing has been something I did for as long as I can remember...and it was something that helped me growing up...

However, ever since high school in 10th grade, I have had almost all my drive and love for drawing drained from me from comparing myself to the other, "better," students in my art class and from my own art teacher who at first, in 9th grade, started as a somewhat positive influence but then the next year being really negative and rude.

I was the student that was told, "youre not done, go back to your seat, keep working," when going to my teacher for advice. When he said this, he would only glance at my work before turning me away. All while the other students received kind, positive and constructive criticism when I did not.

He even addressed me, out loud, in front of the class, regarding my low grade, saying, "the only reason you arent failing my class is because you did your homework last night."

For context: the homework assignment was some drawing exercises...and the reason my grade was low was because, it was towards the end of the year, I had completely given up on myself and my art so I didnt turn in a project. One, because I never cared enough to finish it and two, it was an act of rebellion on my part.

That was the first and only class where I actually had an F-....I didnt even know it was possible to get that low of a grade...but trust me, it is. My math grade was never even that low.

Now, this art class was something you had to submit a portfolio for it to be reviewed so these 2 art teachers could decide if you were accepted into this art program or not. (It was exoensive too, if I remember correctly, it was like $200 per semester, and I did this for 2 years).

And against my own self consciousness, while feeling like I was far less qualified than others, I challenged my self doubt and fear of rejection and tried out anyways...

And a few weeks later, I found out I was accepted. That moment went down as one my top, most proud moments. I was proud of myself for a change.

Only for that to change a couple years later...where the little pride and confidence I had left in not only myself, but my skills in art, just dropped so low.

On top of that, my academic grades while in this art program, were also dropping considerably due to the amount of stress I put myself through trying to meet everyone elses expectations and standards.

My painting and drawing teacher (the nice one, not the rude one) would encourage my love and skill for cartooning, charcoal and shading. My digital art teacher (the one who ended up being so rude to me in the following year), helped me realize my strengths in photoshop and with a tablet. He did praise me a few times, which did help, but it didnt last very long.

My downfall was the art class that I took in 10th grade, with my previous digital art teacher, which was "figure drawing." Basically, it was learning how to draw anatomy and being anatomically correct which I found out very early on, was not my strength....and it was the whole focus of the class for the entire year so I was screwed. My strengths were cartooning and caricatures, not anywhere near anything anatomically correct. I kean, I could draw a skeleton, but when it came to human figures and poses....I dont know why but I had a tough time. So that was the year that things really went downhill fast.

It just took the fun out of drawing and turned it into something that felt too forced.

However, in my experience with this class I learned something about myself that Im actually glad that I did...

Its that art is just a hobby for me. I learned that I hate drawing on demand, in a certain time frame, and drawing what someone else wants me to draw.

I want to draw only on my own terms and at my own pace.

I couldnt see that about myself because I was too concerned with everyone else and their skills in drawing.

A few years after I quit the art program, I really didnt draw all that much aside from little doodles and unfinished sketches on the edges of my homework and class notes. I didnt like anything that I drew anymore.

And when you lose love, drive and interest in something you were once so passionate about....it leaves a gaping hole in you. It makes you feel pointless, like there nothing special about you. Nothing that sets you apart from everyone else. It really is as depressing as it sounds.

I was lost.

However. I FELT FREE. I didnt have a constant reminder from several different people that I wasnt as good. No one to make me feel lesser than someone else. No one to put me down.

As a result, my academic grades improved back to As and Bs (excluding math in the 11th grade, I had like a D).

---

And I realize now that maybe I didnt learn all of this the hard way for no reason. Maybe its to also help someone so they dont have to learn the hard way like I did. Or maybe, its to reach out to those have experienced the same or similar things as me so that they dont feel alone. So that they know that them and their skills are still very much valuable and valid.

Because everyone goes at their own pace, no two people are ever the same.

Anyone can be good at anything.

Now I didnt want this post to discourage anyone from taking or considering an art class. Please understand that my experiences are unique to myself. Art classes are actually very helpful as long as your surrounded by positive and encouraging influences.

Just remember to be careful. Respect yourself and your abilities. Be patient with yourself. Have faith in yourself, dont give up. And last, but not least, know your worth and what you deserve when it comes to treatment.

---

Anyways, so up until a couple of years ago, I slowly started to get back into drawing.

I do love to draw, along with architecture and interior/ fashion design.

Im working to rediscover myself, even though I dont want to do it professionally...

So as I did years ago, I will challenge my self doubt again and try to put myself back out there.

So as anxietal as I am, I want to ask...

Would anyone be interested in seeing something I drew?

Might be an odd question and it might sound attention seeking but Im really just testing the waters....

I will add one little doodle I did the other day just to see....

I know its not that great and thats its nothing amazing but....its something Im proud of...however small it may be.

Im not sure how I feel when it comes to reposting...

I feel like I dont want people to repost it...

In case I ever feel like taking it down...

Idk.

Anyways....Im literally shaking Im so nervous...

But...Im trying to repair some old damage.

Have a miraculous day and thank you for your patience.

Again, please dont repost. At least until Im a little more comfortable.

Thank you

[former-cannibal-3]

Tell us about how you got into art.

WOW this got super long, I’m so sorry!

I was given a metric assload of coloring books, glitter crayons and stuff by my grandma when I was a kid. I don’t remember ever starting, it’s just always been like that. Also I really liked Pokemon, like REALLY liked it, like any other small child in the 90s. So I had some established characters to draw, like pikachu and eevee! Those were my fave to draw. Any I just never really stopped.

Luckily my elementary school still had an “art class” back then. For one whole year it had an actual room, but then it was just a little cart pushed around. Nothing really groundbreaking, but since it was fun and I liked it (and was proud of being “better” than everyone else there) it just kept going.  it was really just a bunch of kids scribbling stuff with very little direction.

My art tteacher gave me a book about drawing things realistically. I really read that book and took it all to heart. Except for the grid thing, I thought the grid thing was stupid because all it let you do was COPY a photo, and I didn’t WANT to COPY! I wanted to make my OWN stuff!

I dont remember, but I think it was in first grade, maybe before that? Maybe after idk but it was really early on. I wrote stories about a wolf who’s name was Fear, and she was a pup when the forest she lived in burned down, and she got separated from her pack. So she ended up having to traverse the desert and run into other packs who wanted to use her in different ways (usually as a disposable labor or to watch the pack’s pups while their mothers went to have fun and stuff like that) and she would have to fight them to keep going. And so on. It was pretty in depth but I never actually got them on paper except for some shitty doodles.

Here’s a quick rendition of her from memory I made just now, using some free lineart. It’s probably missing some aspects of her design, but the main thing was that she is orange, had the dark stripe, and a white tail-tip. I know, looks like a fox. Of course my actually drawings of her were crude and done in crayon.

I really liked wolves. A Lot. So Much. I guess that’s probs why I’m a furry?

Similar to that time, like at the same time as Fear, I was makign my own TCG based on my own pet-sim website (heavily inspired by neopets and one gem-creature that i think was on a yugioh card). I made a “functioning” website in front page, it really just made me happy to click through on the previews and do pointless stuff that didn’t actually DO anything because it wasn’t a live website. But it was cool and fun. I made a lot of websites on front page lol. A LOT.

I made custom buttons and graphics in Paint and just came up with all this shit to “do” and ran with it. I also made some sites that were like, just really bad personal homepages. But I was also like somewhere between the ages of 7-11, I don’t remember what age specifically? BUT anyway frontpage is really fun to work with and I basically know all of my HTML and CSS from that and neopets.

What’s really funny is… I never had a home computer! I didn’t have computer until like 2009, and we still didn’t have internet at home until like 2013-ish. I might be off on those dates a bit but you can’t expect me to remember specifics when I struggle to remember things that happened yesterday lol.

Oh yeah I found Jay Naylor art and a comic called Good Cheese and accidentally got into furries bc of it, and yeah some of it was porn and my POOR LITTLE CHILD BRAIN COULDNT HANDLE bahahahahaa im fucking kidding, it WAS porn but it’s cool and I don’t think it really damaged me. I thought it was ~wrong~ but I still printed that shit out in black and white after school to take home with me oops.

Like RIGHT after that I got into Redwall and Serenity Rose. Redwall has this huge roleplay community online, it was really cool. i never had the guts to RP tho, so I just looked at pretty art and tried to emulate it. I made my own OCs and stuff. With Sera Rose I entered my first foray into online forums, the Bubblegum Noir. Where I posted doodles I did. I was also a really fucking obnoxious teenager lol. This was middle school bee tee dubbs.

Sometime in middle school I think my focus shifted a bit from my self-driven and pokemon fuel’d vigor for creating things. I certainly still drew fanart, I got really into anime (kinda, i read loveless and then was smitten by cat eared boys forever after that lol) and started drawing Neopets related stuff by then. (Yes I still plaid neopets in middle school, hush.) I think I scanned some art in to enter into the beauty contest.

Uhm in middle school I was introduced to all sorts of New Cool Tools like BRUSH PENS and stuff! WOAH! But yeah I actually tried to do shit for realsies. I did stain glass cutting and silk screen printing after school. Neato!

In middle school I also had a “running” comic I called My Life Unlimited, and it was like the bizzare megatokyo-esque thing where I drew me and my friends having everyday normal lives. Except my cat was Literally Satan. No I mean like actually, Satan was on vacation in the Real World disguised as a cat, but OFC I found him and was like oh no a poor lost kitty, let me put a collar on him and take him home n feed him. Which, as we all know collars = ownership and eating the food of the land etc etc. Which lead to me owning Satan, literally, who could shift inbetween cat form and human-ish-looking form. Also he couldn’t open the peanut butter once and it became a running joke.

There was this whole plot with angels and demons or whatever and the demons were the good guys and angels were generally manipulative assholes and uhhhh yeah. It was dorky but I liked it. Still kinda do. I dated a “fox demon” in the comic, he had a scythe, it was cool. B3

And uh, I just drew a lot of fanart, fancharacters. My own comic stuff. 

And then I dropped all of it in high school, where I only drew furries and school assigned artwork. It was neato, the only thing I learned was about negitive space, lineart quality and VAGUELY hue and value (but not terribly in detail, and it was muddy and mucky). I made an FA account, found artists like CorrieZodori and ForcesWerwolf, and joined the Hungry Pokemon Forums (as a minor and completely ignoring ALL the rules about being 18 or over.) WHOOPS guess I was into vore. No wait, I joined HPF in… middle school I think? IDEK.

Anyway I started drawing MORE furries and more maws. And back then I was like “only oral vore, mawshots or pre-vore, no stomach internals and NO DIGESTION” but look at me now mom, if it aint Dying I ain’t Buying.

Lots of highschool is a blue of bad decisions and general fuckery. I had a cool AP art history class tho. I don’t remember jack fucking shit, sorry.

And uh… that’s where I am now???

Now I’m actually taking art seriously, and with internet access I can look for tutorials and references no problem. I’ve got a few good art books, but mainly I reccomend one by James Gurney called Light and Color for the Realist Painter. Or whatever, I cannot be assed to google it rn I’ve been typing for like an hour. Maybe two… idek. Also some good youtube chanels, sinix design, sycra, istabrak, bobby chiu and ahmed aldoori, really recommend those for learning!

Anyway I’m more aware of my shortcomings, and working hard to fix them, all while still ejoying doing what I do. Although lately I feel like I’ve gone backwards in quality and launched myself into more stress and difficulty. And I certainly do much less, and finish things less also. I wonder why… :T

UHM I’m not even sure if I answered your question i just kinda went on a tangent oops. Hopefully this is an entertaining read if nothing else?