#could also be that i chose today to quit vaping

[gofrenchie]

about to watch the black sails finale ahhhhhh

[pivitor]

Help, I have emotions (aka the dating update I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for)

So, it’s been about a month, I guess, since I signed up for OKCupid and started legitimately dating? I have a lot of emotions! I need to get them out! So you get, basically, a diary post from me. Things might get very mildly NSFW, not because I’m trying to brag or broadcast these guys and mine’s business, but because it’s important to the stories, and because it’s my blog. I’m hoping this helps me figure some things out, or exorcise some things, or something.

So, there’s been about eight different guys I’ve chatted with. There’s a cute doctor who was really dull to talk to and ghosted me. Twice! One guy who was actually from Delaware! We talked for a day, he didn’t see my response to his last message for four days, and then when he did read it, didn’t respond. Either the very first or second guy I talked to ended up being a cop; thankfully, he had basically already said that we were too far apart to date (”If you lived closer, I’d totally ask you out”), and just started trying to talk here or there, so it was easy to end that one painlessly. None of those situations bothered or upset me.

One guy I talked to quite a bit, a young guy who works in a lab in Philly, and I liked him a lot and wanted to actually go on a date with him, but we’d been talking maybe a week and a half by that point? And we had talked about going out several times and neither of us had actually made the move to schedule something? On my end, I just had a hellish schedule for a bit, and I had one more date I was trying to slot in, and then once I know when that was going to be, I was going to ask him out. Literally the day I was going to ask him out, he stops replying to me (and then posts a subtweet about how unfortunate it is that he’s attracted to men). I think I waited too long, which I feel bad about :( He still follows me on Instagram, though, which is awkward.

There’s this other guy I’ve been talking to, I’ll call him “S,” who is REALLY cute. Physically, I’m into him perhaps more than anyone I’ve talked to. But he’s ended up being a pretty boring to talk to. He lives almost two hours away, so I initially talked about coming down to meet him, but then as time passed and I realized that he was kinda boring, I was less enthused, and I haven’t initiated conversation with him in a while, but he’s still been messaging me and talking about meeting up. So it was definitely time to either meet up or call things off completely. This Sunday coming up I’m heading not too far from him to see a concert anyway, so I told him I’d come down around lunch time and we could hang for a few hours and see what happens. I’m not expecting much out of it, but maybe he’ll surprise me. And if I end up calling things off, at least I can say I gave it the good ol’ college try.

But there’s been three guys I’ve actually gone on dates with so far, and have really liked all of them. So, of course, that’s where things get complicated. I’m going to start with this guy “J.” He’s a park ranger in Philly, and I really enjoy talking to him, both by text and in person. I think he’s interesting and knows how to hold a conversation. He’s cute too, but after our first date (where we met for dinner and walked around the city a bit; I had a very nice time) I wasn’t sure how much physical chemistry we had; we were clearly into each other, but there was no kiss or anything, and only very mild flirting by text. He has more dating experience than me, but not much, so I think we’re both pretty hesitant sometimes. It took about two weeks to go on another date with him, and by the time we had the date, I had kinda assumed we would end up being just friends, and was fine with that, to be honest.

The second date started out pretty awkward. We had dinner and walked around the city again, but we only had two hours of parking where we were, so had to wrap things up pretty quickly. I was hoping he would want to go somewhere else and continue the date for a little while, but all of a sudden he sprung on me “oh, here’s my car!” and it legit startled me, and I was too thrown to suggest going somewhere else, and he didn’t either and just said “I’ll see you next time!” And we did a hug goodbye that was awkward because as soon as it became a hug I got a vibe “oh, that should have been a kiss” and got really self conscious. So it ended awkwardly, and I felt dumb, and I drove over to the Barcade because that’s what I do when I have time to kill in Philly, and/or when I’m feeling down. He ends up texting me as soon as I get there saying that he had a great time but thought that I seemed a bit disappointed, so I explained to him how I had hoped it would last longer, and he admitted that he had wanted to kiss me at the end and wasn’t sure if he should, and I agreed that I had wanted that too; long story short, he drives over to the Barcade too and we have a much nicer date over there, a really nice conversation then about twenty minutes of making out in a booth. I gotta say, public making out is very bizarre, but I enjoyed it haha.

So the next day and a half or so we have some really frank conversations about sex and what we’re looking for in relationships and all that. He admits that he’s having trouble choosing between me and another guy, and I say I’m basically doing the same thing (except he’s one of three). We all but say we’re going to have sex with each other soon. And then, three days after that second date, he texts me to tell me that he asked the other guy to be his boyfriend. So it wasn’t out of nowhere, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen that quickly! And right as I was really starting to get attached to him. I’m not going to act like two dates and a month or so of conversation is an epic romance, but it still hurt, especially the fact that he chose somebody else over me. But I also freely admit that he did nothing wrong, and if he was trying to find a boyfriend that quickly, he probably made the right choice. If he had asked me to be his boyfriend instead, I don’t know if I would’ve said yes. But, y’know, it still hurt.

We agreed to stay friends, and then the next day he texts me to say that he’s having second thoughts -- this is his first boyfriend, and he’s starting to feel like he lost his freedom (”On the first day?!” I reply back). He eventually says that he still wants to have sex with me, and is thinking of trying to open up his relationship. I’ll admit, it was tempting, but I could also see that it was a mess and I probably dodged a bullet. I told him to figure things out with his boyfriend before he started asking me about it. And he drops it. Then yesterday he brings it up again (and basically asks in a way that says “I don’t think much of open relationships but”), so at that point I tell him off. Maybe if he had already been in an open relationship when he met me, or if he had approached us both to say “I wanna date both of you” I’d have been into it. But the way he did it made me feel like an afterthought, a second choice, like he was trying to have his cake and eat it too or like I was a doubt he needed to get out of his head before he could fully commit to his boyfriend. I told him it made me feel shitty and I didn’t want to be a part of it. And to his credit, he immediately apologized, said he was selfish (a word I didn’t use, so he brought that on his own), and agreed we’d really just be friends from here on out, and he told his BF everything he had asked me and how I’d responded and apologized to him and they decided to be monogamous. So, bittersweet ending I guess.  

Except it’s still got me a little fucked up. Why does one rejection stick in my craw more than all the compliments I’m getting from the two guys I’m still talking to who really, really like me? Honestly, part of it was just that I really thought we were going to have sex. I still haven’t had sex -- J and I only kissed, “N” and I have made out a lot and he sucked me off a little, but he doesn’t have sex unless he’s in a relationship, and “P” and I have done pretty much everything two guys can do up to actual penetrative sex, so based off that and a convo we had today I’m thinking it will happen next time I see him, but it’s going to be two more weeks before I can see him again. So thinking about J having sex with his boyfriend has really got me down and frustrated. Not even because I want to have sex with him, just because I want to have some goddamn sex already, and he’s having it and I’m not. And I realize that’s petty. But that’s how I feel

Him having “settled down” also has me anxious about N and P, the other two guys, and ones I liked more than J from the start, despite my last five paragraphs lol. N lives in Philly, and we’ve gone out four times now. He’s made it clear that he’d love to date me and that he’d be my boyfriend in a heartbeat, but I have to be the one to ask at this point, because he’s brought it up multiple times and I’m basically saying I’m not ready to make a decision yet. N works in a pharmacy but is a brilliant chef who made me a homecooked meal on our first date and it was some real romantic comedy shit -- I was midsentence as he cooked and he turned around, kissed me, and said “I’d been wanting to do that all night” leaving me in an amazing daze. N and I click really well and basically spend our dates playing video games, eating, and cuddling/making out (which I love doing with him) while we watch anime, and it’s really nice. He lives with one of his best friends and her family and they’ve all really welcomed me into their lives. He’s such a kind, generous person, who I make blush fairly often, and vice versa. I could see myself dating him.

But he also describes himself as a functional alcoholic. He smokes, which I hate, but he only does it outside -- the bigger issue there is the vaping, which he does inside. It makes him taste great when we make out, but IDK what it’s doing to my health (I always feel hazy when I leave his place, but I don’t know if it’s the smoke or that I’m generally leaving really late), and I don’t like being in even the faint smoke all the time. I need to talk to him about it on our next date, but I could see it being a dealbreaker. He’s also not a great texter. We have no problem talking in person, but our text convos are pretty sporadic, I haven’t quite cracked the code to them yet. That’s not the end of the world, but I’m going to have to figure out some way to talk to him between dates if we’re not texting because having that form of communication is important to me. He knows about me growing up in a cult (all three of these guys did/do, actually) and that I’m not out to my family yet and says he’s fine with it, but I don’t think he really *gets* it and is a little frustrated that I haven’t been able to stay the night yet. I am too, admittedly and obviously, but the pressure when I’m in a really complicated situation is a little much sometimes.

P, meanwhile, is a personal trainer and music teacher. We text pretty much all day every day, some of it legit conversation, some of it just silly bullshit, but it’s fun and makes me happy. He took me to a trampoline park on our first date, and out to a terrific brunch, and we have just as easy a chemistry in person as we do by text. He’s very zen and has an intriguing outlook on life that I appreciate. He’s not religious at all but does consider himself spiritual and he’s the first person who has made that distinction appealing to me. And we have electric physical chemistry. I am just so attracted to him, and apparently, vice versa. I won’t get into all the details, but things went way further, way faster with him than I expected (I’ve done more with him than I’ve done with anyone else), and I loved every minute of it.  Again, I could really, really see myself dating this guy.

The biggest problem here is the distance. He lives about 1 hour and 45 minutes away. It’s not the worst distance by a long margin. I drive that fairly often, and have considered dating guys who live that far away before. But it’s still a big complication, especially this month, when he’s non-stop swamped conducting two school plays, and also while I’m still living at home, which means he can’t come down to visit. I’m not sure how to navigate it yet, especially as we go further into the future. IDK if I would want to live in his town, if it came to that -- It’s nice, but I want to live in Philly, and I’d be even further from Philly there than I am now. Would he ever wanna move, even though his family, his students, and the business he built for himself are all in that town? I dunno. Those are probably questions for further in the future, but they have me really anxious.

It’s probably too early to be trying to “choose,” but I’m feeling that pressure from multiple directions, some more legit than others. I purposely haven’t matched with anyone else on the app or tried talking to anyone new because I wanna resolve things with my current batch of guys before I do. Honestly? I wish I hadn’t met them all at the same time. N and P are both great guys and I’d have dated either of them, and I feel shitty that choosing one means dropping the other and not getting that chance. But I’m going to try to be patient and get to know them both better, and maybe my path forward will become clearer as I do.

Anyway, that’s where I am right now. And actually? Yeah, I do feel better getting this off my chest.

[alph4betti-spaghetti]

Rant

There was one thing about today that bothered me. My work partner is always very demanding and dismissive of all my ideas which was very apparent in our team meeting today (as our manager couldn’t attend she took full opportunity to shoot everything down).

Our manager couldn’t choose between us at interview stage so we agreed on a job share... job shares are hard fucking work. Everything takes twice as long, as you have to agree on it first, and that is very difficult with her. She is a very competitive 23 year old, and I am a friendly 30 year old team player - I just want things to be fair and equal.

We both applied for the STEM youth project, she told me she wasn’t going to, she ‘wasn’t interested’, then as soon as she found out I was, she did... whether she did all the while Intend to apply and it was a tactic to be the only one, or whether she actually wasn’t bothered about it, just didn’t want me to get it -I don’t know...

this is where is gets complicated: our manager couldn’t decide between us at interview stage again, but was impressed enough by me to nudge me to apply to be an employment coach for hard of hearing people (HoH), his idea was that I could do it part time as a second job share with someone else bringing me up to full time. So I did. Manager decided to give me STEM, and told me I was successful but it wasn’t yet made official because I had to be interviewed for the HoH role.

Meanwhile my work partner applied for a second similar wellbeing role with another service for deaf people, which I suppose could be seen as ‘the competition’.. but you know, you have to go where the time and money is and all that.

Manager told me I got the HoH role AND STEM but it couldn’t yet be made official, not until work partner found out if she was successful with the competing role and if she was going to quit working for us -which would leave the Wellbeing project in my hands.

She got it, and was very happy about it. Some may say a little smug. She kept asking me if I had heard about my interviews, but I couldn’t tell her I had been successful in both -because it wasn’t yet official. So I had to put up with the pretence that I hadn’t heard... it was hard.

TODAY the contracts for both new roles came through and she looked happy for me, but the following events makes me think it was not genuine:

She soon after congratulating me congratulated a close friend of hers who was also successful at becoming an employment coach, but for deaf, not HoH (different role) she turned to me and said that it was ‘MUCH harder for him because mANy people applied to be deaf work coach and only two people applied to be HoH coach! And both people got it’ -implying that another job share was not a real success (another job share was part of the plan all along, I was set to share the job -not that I could tell her that, of course..).

As if that wasn’t enough, she went on to say that ‘15 people applied for her new job, only 3 were interviewed and out of all those people they chose her’ -completely trying to undermine my achievements and make herself seem better than me.

She THEN picked up my contracts and looked at my pay grade for STEM, it was grade E, but manager has requested it be changed now to the next one up because of the responsibility. She said ‘E? That’s like (she slowly counted on her fingers) ‘A, B, C, D... E!’ really emphasising that it’s low... -the STEM project is only 3 hours a week for Christ sake! It’s my little project, I applied because it’s a passion not for the money!The HoH salary she didn’t mention, probably because I will be getting higher than our shared wellbeing role... I was fuming.

Had to go out to vape and calm down before I snapped.

[owlfliescityfire-blog]

Chapter 2

(IM SO GLAD YOU ALL LIKE MY STORY. i’M DEFINITELY GOING TO CONTINUE NOW!)

Chapter 2: A Real Bitch. 

 Hey there again, You sure ask alot of questions. 

 Well. Today. I figured something out. My uncles totally figured out what Diors plan is. He thinks He's going to scare us into loving him? I don't know why he thinks it'll work. I have a million other options. So do my friends. Hell even my aunt-niece can do better. He can't force us to think he's some amazing guy, I mean yeah He's hot. But he's only from the east side of the first level of hell I mean how weak can you get? he's nothing special. Ross Lynch is cutier than him and I don't even watch Disney channel anymore. 

While I was sitting in my room this morning, with all the windows shut. Although my stomach was telling me that I needed to go downstairs and find something to suck on, I kept thinking about Dior. Maybe one of us should have just dated him. But, what would be the good in that? Hanging out with that herb. There's nothing special about him, he's basically a pile of oregano. Therefore he's a total herb. A knock on my door took me out of my thoughts. It's a good thing too I was starting to get mad. If I get too mad I get kind of like Twenty One Pilots car radio., I sit in silence. I stood up from my desk chair and answered the door, it was Angelica. "Hey" I said welcoming her into my room, "are you thinking about Dior too?" I said sitting down at my desk chair again. She shook her head, "no, I mean ...I was. Then Rickky came in and flipped my cross right side up, and I can't touch it to change it back" she replied in a muffled voice. I laughed, thats so messed up. The pranks around here go so far. Its always something with us. "What did you do to her?" I asked laughing until tears of salt fell from my eyes. I know most vampires might cry tears of blood, or regular tears. But, everyone knows that real vampires aren't alive and can't produce blood or water. So, the next obvious option would be salt. Edward, my ex when he was showing his skin to all of the people on the east side. He was just really sweaty. But because we don't sweat he was just covered in salt. And the Sun was reflecting off of his skin, giving him a diamonds like shein. Angelica Shrugged, "I think she just wanted wanted to start a prank war" she said in her muffled Voice once again. She started to play with the strings on her hoodie, I can't see her eyes but I'm sure they were traveling the room. My room is is really big, like gigantic. 

The walls are covered in dark faded brown wallpaper, I have broken china dolls and that posted you know what that is a Rosie the Riveter poster on the wall closest to the door, so that I never forget that even though I'm a girl vampire I can do anything a boy vampire can do maybe even better. My room itself, outside of the literal dark appearance is quite actually myself. I love my room. My room screams late 40s, Great Depression, famine, deadly machines and special camps. Around that time is when I got changed, so I like to keep the time period That I was changed and close to my heart. "I'm sure, looks like thats going to be fun" I replied. Angelica shook her head again replying with " I don't want to be a part of Rickky's stupid Prank War, doesn't she realize we have a bigger problem on our hands? Like Dior? Trying to end the world because no one wants to date him. I mean he's no Ross Lynch, or even Jin. He's still hot though, just not the person that any of us really want in our lives. And honestly I don't like it"   I nodded, " Dior, is getting pretty scary. I sent him a text earlier, and he replied 'I demond your love'. I don't really get it, I don't really get what he was going for" I said with my mind going in a million directions. I could see Angelica's shoulders bouncing, chuckling under her breath "heh that is kind of funny...demon humor. Sorry" I squinted my eyes at her, in total disbelief. Before I could say anything, a loud but soft voice called from downstairs. It was my Uncle Louie, telling us to come downstairs to eat lunch. So, I went downstairs with Angelica. Ricky was already downstairs with my uncles, finally preparing something that everyone wants to eat. A delicious and bloody penne pasta, with no garlic and extra clotted blood sauce. Seriously, it's delicious you should try it. While sitting around the table, we each wanted to discuss the very serious issue. Amongst the three girls, we didn't really understand how we were supposed to make Dior stop being absolutely crazy. I mean I'm not too fond of humans either, they're always changing, half of them are fake, they don't taste as good as they used to, they stop using real butter, they stop using real sugar,  they stopped smoking real cigarettes and started vaping, and they're so easily triggered. With all of that in mind, yeah it means that humans are still absolutely insufferable. But I still need them as a Life Source, I need to be able to sustain this body for at least another three hundred years before I can go to the vampire society and request an upgrade. "Maybe we can just find hima girlfriend" Rickky said taking a bite out of her angel food cake. Immediately spitting it out, only to see that while we were fixing lunch, Angelica had replaced her angel food cake with devil's food cake. "What the Heaven!" She shouted, staring daggers at Angelica who chuckled with her mouth full. Although I started to laugh, I started to remember that he only wanted to date one of us. Probably because, even for our own races we are all extremely attractive. Among demons Angelica is first class, among angels Ricky is also one of the best, and among vampires I mean there's really no competition except for maybe that bich that Edward turned into a vampire. But even then her forehead is like a landing strip, so I think I win there. I sighed, a little bit of pasta flying for my mouth. I chose to ignore it. " he only wants to date one of us, maybe one of us should just date him" I said shaking my head in disbelief. My uncle Lestat through his fist to the table, shouting at the top of his lungs. "No niece of mine, will be dating that look class flat foot leather tongue dandruff born bastard" Everyone at the table was really shocked, Uncle Lestat never says those words, even amongst vampires those are like really big cuss words. Like no one is ever allowed to say them, at the vampire Society I heard that if you say those words they have to send someone to punish you. But I heard that when I was like 104 years old, so I don't know if that's true. Uncle Louie cleared his throat, even clearing his throat sounded very soft but also loud and kind of masculine. If it was up to me, Uncle Louie would be mine and Uncle Lestat would be total trash. But you didn't hear that from me. "Perhaps, instead of letting the girls make the decisions on their own. Which got them in this big mess in the first place, Lestat and I need to be real parents and uncles and make the decision of what is going to happen from now on" he said flipping his long hair over one shoulder. "Oh no, please don't pick one of us to date him. He's a real bitch, I hate him" Angelica replied. " no, I am not going to pick one of you to date him. What I am going to do or what I have done, is invited him to lunch today so he can speak this out with you guys as a big boy, if you all want to play grown ups then act that way" he said gently resting his hand on the table. We all put our heads down, I can't believe that Uncle Louie would do something like that to us. I think we deserve so much better, and he knows that. Do you or is just going to come here, and the man that one of us date him. But he's so low level, he could never in a thousand years even dream of being with one of us. Which apparently that thousand years has already come and gone, because he had the nerve to demand that one of us be his girlfriend. I open my mouth to speak, but before the words came out a loud thumping at the door came. We all at once our heads snapped to look at the door, and one of our servants opened it. And of course behind it was a tall Pale Man, his skin looked like paper and his hair was jet black as my soul, and my eyes. Although he was nice to look at, I could feel his Aura. He was so full of himself, he just felt annoying. " hello everyone" his mid level voice spoke. 

And all at once, we sighed. "Hello Dior"

[improbablynothumanbutmaybesystem]

TW: body disphoria, cursing, mention of fighting with voices, vaping

So today, I went shopping for men’s clothes because some of the voices in my head (Caleb and Charlie) felt a lot of body disphoria due to the fact that they didn’t have any clothes that they could wear when they’re “out” (meaning when I feel like I’m not controlling my body and the boys are really intensily present in my head). And Charlie and I fight a lot because I’ve been pushing him away for years and he’s been really mean to me (I just saw him as an intrusive thought and he’s mad at me for it and for allowing people into our life that hurt us a lot, and he feels it’s all my fault). So basically the shopping trip (and events before) went like this:

Caleb & Charlie: we need guy clothes

Me (F): Okay, I can try and gather enough energy to go and buy some

Me forgetting and putting it off for weeks*

Charlie this morning: I need to vape, you’re pissing me off and we also need new coils

Caleb: And men’s pants because we don’t have any, please

Me: I’m so damn tired someone else is gonna have to help me drive. And I thought we agreed we were gonna start quitting vaping why should we get coils?

Charlie: I don’t like driving I’m walking there if you’re not gonna do it *starts getting dressed angrily, grabs headphones as I remind him we’ll need them and heads out of the house*

Charlie and I argued the whole walk up the hill (20-30 min) up until I mentionned someone who triggers him and he got upset and decided to go grab coffee

Me: Our therapist said we shouldn’t drink coffee right now, it’s really not helping my anxiety and until I can work on that, herbal tea or decaf is better

Charlie: I don’t care, I walked all the way up here and I need coffee ‘cause you’re doubting my existence and you’re f*cking pissing me off. Just let me do my thing and stop triggering me.

*I gave him some space as he was ordering as to not draw attention to us, and Charlie was already angry at a man standing way too close to us, I didn’t want him to be more triggered*

So after that Charlie and I argued some more, so I felt Caleb took over and followed our instructions to buy coils and vape juice and talked cheerily to the guys working there. Then he went over to the store and started shopping for clothes (Charlie was still close, but didn’t say much in the store as he said he trusted Caleb to choose some stuff for him). Caleb was getting anxious about not knowing his size in pants so I helped him out a little and he went in the dressing room to try some things out (and took some very funny selfies because he knows they make me laugh). He also talked with the cashier like 20 minutes and I was nervous because Charlie dressed up as much as a guy as he could and we were also wearing a hat to cover the long hair I like to have, so I stayed out of the way.

Caleb: Okay I know you’re tired F but I really want a new hat please can we go! I’ll just go throw out this coffee because it’s making us wanna throw up and it’s in the way.

Me (F): Alright you did a lot for us today and I said you should have a hat you chose yourself so let’s go.

* Caleb tried on like 5 hats and he was getting anxious again because he had to look in the mirror and doesn’t like he looks like a girl, but he found one, a belt and some boxers so he was happy. The cashier there called us “darling” which pissed off Charlie and he and I started fighting again as poor Caleb tried to focus on paying and talking to the women who worked there. *

Me (F): holy shit I know I walked here and I know where I am but damn I think I’m gonna pass out *high dissociating*

Charlie: Just let me front I walked here, I can get us back

Me (F): Don’t say “front” we’re not diagnosed with DID, I don’t use that language

Charlie: Stop f*cking pretending I don’t exist, maybe I’d be nicer to you if you didn’t keep pushing me out and you insulted me a lot too btw!

*More fighting, Caleb tried to calm me down and I just gave up and let Charlie walk us down the hill and back to the house because every time I tried to be more in control, I almost passed out*

So after that I got home, Charlie stayed close or in control for a while and wrote me a message on my phone that I still haven’t read because I know it’ll make me feel bad because he’s right I did push him away for a long time and we always argue and I feel bad for my responsability in it, but I also don’t wanna engage until I’m calmed down because I’ve been having panic attack after panic attack and I’ve just recently chilled out.

This is a very long post, but I needed to document this because I don’t know what the hell is going on, and now I have a newfound compassion for Charlie, a even bigger appreciation for Caleb, and 60$ worth of men’s clothes (and two shirts for another voice, Ella, because she doesn’t relate to my style at all). So I guess that’s that and I hope somebody helps me figure this out.

[vapeslinger-blog]

The Day I Decided to Stop Killing Myself.

Summary

The day I decide to quit killing myself. Was the day I decide to quit smoking and find something healthier to fixate on.

Body *

Let me start by saying I LOVE smoking. That is a horrible fact to admit especially with today's stigma attached to the subject but I really do enjoy it.

So this story starts about 38 years ago when I was just a young boy. My parents were 70s kids and they grew up in a time where smoking was normal and socially accepted. Everyone smoked and you could smoke anywhere you went the grocery store, the restaurant where you were eating dinner, work and even the doctor's office. Heck even the doctor was probably smoking in the visit with you.

Now I was about 5 or 6 years old and my parents smoked around me and I hated it. I just could not stand the smell of the smoke and I hated smelling like smoke all the time. I would gripe and moan begging them to stop telling them it was nasty and making me sick and of course they would respond with the normal parental response of "quit your bitching". I remember one time I was still really young but I had gotten into my mother's purse and decided I was going to make her quit. So I grabbed her pack of "Marlboros" and I was going to show her and I threw them in the toilet and just left them floating there. Well my mom found them like that and she was furious at me. I probably got called every name in the book but at the end of it all she calmed down and talked to me about it. She said "it really bothers you that bad huh?" Well I just told her that it was gross and stinky and didn't like going to school and smelling like smoke all day. She agreed it was a nasty habit and that she would try to quit. Well of course like many people who "try to quit" it didn't really work. A couple of months after this event my mom found out that she was pregnant with what I was sure was my little brother and when she found out she was pregnant she looked at me and said "I will grant you your wish" and she never smoked again. Following my mother's lead Mt dad even decided to quit smoking and to this day they have never smoked again.

Fast forward about 10 years. I was about 15 or so and I knew by this point I had an addictive personality even if I didn't know what that was at the time I knew that I tended to over indulge in anything I found enjoyable. One day I was riding my bike along a highway(small town highway) and I found a pack of cigarettes that must have accidentally been dropped.by someone. I picked them up even though I had never had any interest in smoking I thought I was cool with those things in my pocket. You might be thinking to yourself that must be when he started smoking but you would be wrong. I kept that pack of cigarettes hidden in my room for months and every once in a while I would get them out and look at them and smell them and even act like I was smoking but I knew better than to ever actually light one up because I knew I wouldn't be able to stop once I started and remember all those years ago how nasty my parents smelled because of those things.

Years went by and I resisted the urge to join all my friends and all the "cool kids" and start smoking. I worked in restaurants where people smoked and took cigarette breaks while I was left working but I refused to smoke so I would take air breaks 5 minute breaks where I would walk away like everyone else but but I wouldn't smoke I would just stand there and breathe. One day I guess I was about 19 to 20 years old I was coming back from a trip to Louisville KY with a friend and he was smoking and I said oh to heck with it I am going to try one and just see what all the hype was about. From that first hit of that cigarette. Marlboro Menthol Lights I was hooked. My nerves seemed to calm and I was relaxed and just felt satisfaction.

So for the next 18 years I was an avid smoker. Smoking anywhere from 1 pack to 2 packs daily. I had to have my cigarettes even choosing to smoke over eating at times because I couldn't afford to buy both food and cigarettes.

I got married about a year and a half ago and my wife is a non-smoker now she doesn't really gripe at me about smoking and she has always helped facilitate my own murder. Recently however she had begun to get frusterated with my smoking worried that it was going to cost me an early life so she has been asking me to quit and grumping at me about it every chance she gets.

Six months ago I decided she was right I was paying 6-7 dollars a day just to KILL myself and I had to make a change. I knew I was never going to be able to just quit cold turkey so I started doing some online research. I found all kinds of advise on how to quit and what all these other people had tried, gums and lozenges, patches and hypnosis. After a number of failed attempts I learned about Vaping. I ran across a website that told me all about this new alternative to smoking called Vaping where people had these contraptions that took this juice and when you hit them you blew out these large clouds of vapor. I read a lot about the products and the benefits and the downfalls. Some will say it's worse than smoking some will say it isn't as bad but it's still horrible. After all my research I have found that overall vaping is far better for you than cigarettes. Tabacco is sprayed with tons of carcinogens and arsonic along with a multitude of other deadly chemicals and then rolled into a cigarette and lit on fire. That just sounds horrible already.

So I decided I was going to switch. Learning that many people switched to vaping and gradually took the nicotene out of the juice they buy or make.

Once I had decide to switch I still needed to find the right Vape or Mod as I found out they are called. So I went online again and started searching for the best website with the best products. That's when I found http://www.directvapor.com/?A=1516. They had everything you could imagine. All types of different products ranging from beginner to advanced Vaper. At first I chose a starter kit that had everything I needed to get started vaping and give up those nasty cigarettes. I purchased that kit it was a SMOK POCKET VAPE. The service with Direct Vapor was excellent meaning the checkout was easy signing in was a breeze and I even got in during a sale and got my product at a phenomenal price. The prices there are already lower that anywhere else I could find. Then shipping was remarkable. I placed my order and immediately received a confirmation email that reviewed my order and let me know that as soon as my order was shipped that I would receive a tracking email. Keep in mind I ordered my first MOD from them at like 5:30pm on a Monday night. By first thing Tuesday morning I had received my tracking info meaning my package was already shipped just that quick. Since that first order of business have been back lots and lots of times. I have decided the Vaping is the way to go for me. So I have ordered a number of different products including new and bigger MODs but also e-juices their choices are excellent as well as some tool kits and items to create some of my own MODS and each and every time I have ordered from Direct Vapor my experience has been outstanding. I would recommend them to anyone anytime for third vaping needs.

Now I have decided to take action of my own to help others the way I was helped by creating an all inclusive sight that gives people information of how to switch or how to quit. It gives suggestions on what products you will need to quit and not switch and provides direct links to those products. It also provides information on switch to vaping and has links to some of the more popular products and the best part is that it's actually a forum.for people to share their stories and build a community of support for one another. The websites name is http://www.vapeslingerz.siterubix.com. The reason for the subdomain is because this is a free site I have built just to help people along their journey and hopefully one day become a solid business that can grow and help more struggling QUITTERS along the way.

Here are some links if you to want to take the journey to a healthier life.

http://www.directvapor.com/?A=1516 

http://www.vapeslingerz.siterubix.com