#costia is alive which is fun!

[hadtochangemyurlquick]

it's finals season which means i'm writing sooo much fanfic. i'm working on three (consistently but poking around all of them) rn, the twin au which i've posted about before, the pike au which is so depressing no one wants to hear about it, and the azgeda!clarke au which i posted about once and got no notes which means everyone wants more info. i just wrote this scene for it and i think it's probably the funniest thing i've ever written. spoilers for a fic that will likely never be written lol. clarke was raised by the ice nation so speaks fluent azgedasleng which is in italics.

“She’s in there,” One of the guards pointed to the door both groups were standing around. 

Clarke nodded and for a moment let herself hope, she clenched her hand around the doorknob and imagined that it was Lexa in there, waiting for her. 

Costia smiled as they made eye contact. She sat casually at one end of a long table, boots kicked up. 

“What the fuck do you want?” Clarke asked, plopped down at the other end of the table. Abby shut the door, and leaned against, eyes narrowed at Costia.

“I am just so delighted to see this,” Costia said. “It’s better than I could’ve dreamed. I mean, you? Wanfisa, healer of death, azgedakru supremacist, Lexa’s biggest weakness, now here? Traitor to Lexa and Azgeda? Wearing the clothes of the mountain? It’s almost too good to be true. You even brought your real mom to meet me too, that’s so cute.” 

“My real mother is dead,” Clarke said quietly and Costia’s face went blank. 

“I did hear that. And I’m sorry. She didn’t deserve that.”

Clarke nodded. “What is it you want, Costia?” 

“Mostly this, revenge,” Costia shrugged. “But unfortunately, I’m not here just for pleasure.”

Clarke crossed her arms. 

“Skaikru is fucking terrible at this. Strategies, negotiations, plans. If we lose this war Lexa’s gonna get deposed and we might not have a big enough force like this again to take on the mountain. They need to shape up.”

Clarke nodded. “So, you need me to…” 

“Come back to the war table,” Costia said and stood. Clarke raised her eyebrows as Costia made her way over. “I might hate your guts but you’re smarter than your mother by a longshot. Or any of her people. We need you to win this war.” 

“Lexa won’t be happy with that.” 

“Unfortunately,” Costia said, “she will.” Clarke’s breath caught and she stood. “Consider this a chance to prove your loyalty to the coalition. Maybe even to azgeda.” 

Abby cleared her throat and stepped forward. “Clarke doesn’t need to prove anything to anyone.” 

“The sky people have killed hundreds of innocent trikru, and Clarke is the daughter of their leader. She has a lot to prove,” Costia said. 

“She doesn’t need your people,” Abby said. 

Costia raised an eyebrow at Clarke. “I have been taking your place not just at the war table, you know. In a lot of respects.”

Clarke scoffed. “Impressive. Desperate whore goes after a heart broken woman. It’s never happened before, they’re gonna be talking about you at bonfires for generations.” 

Costia slapped her, hard, across the cheek. “You kiss your skaikru mother with that mouth azas? Lexa didn’t sound all that heartbroken when my fingers were curled inside her.”

“Away from my daughter, now,” Abby got between them. Clarke rolled her eyes and ignored the stinging on her cheek. 

“You’re a skilled hunter Costia, I can’t deny it. Maybe one day you’ll even manage to find some dignity.” Clarke said. 

“Better a failed hunter than a failed healer,” Costia said. “I’ve never hurt her the way you have.”

Clarke thought about returning the slap, but Abby grabbed Costia’s arm. “You’re out of here. Now.” Clarke stayed behind as Costia was escorted to the border and Abby soon returned, arms crossed. “You going to tell me what that was?”

[coeurdastronaute]

Kiwi 11

Previously on Kiwi

Nothing could have been more welcomed than the spring. And not the beginning of the spring, but rather the full blown, wonderful, lush and verdant, alive and living, blooming and warm and sunshine afternoons. It brought about the feeling of new and completeness, of happiness that wasn’t hardfought. 

“Give. Me. The cookie!” Lexa yelled and she plodded her way through the park, hands up and jagged, like the monster she was portraying. 

Tiny legs waddled through the grass, squealing with delight as the auntie teased and tripped over herself, flummoxing her way around in the sunshine and grass. But laid flat on her stomach, morally defeated the monster watched the little bare feet approach and giggle before poking her cheek. 

“Aunt Lexie?”

“GrrrRRrrr.” 

“No, no bad.” 

“Please?” Lexa asks, tilting her head to the side as she squints, hair messy and obstructing much of her view. “Pretty please?”

“No more bad.” 

Not even two yet, her nephew was precocious and she had a soft spot for his tiny shirts and socks and dimples and hair and snores. Their tour came with a nanny now, and she was okay with it because he was the best way to spend a few hours detoxing from the blitz of traveling around the world. 

“You’ll share with me please?” she asked, sounding a little sad and sticking out her bottom lip. 

A piece of cookie was fed to her as a little boy squatted near her, gently feeding as if she were an animal in a petting zoo. She wasn’t sure how to explain to someone how much moments like this saved her life. How stale animal crackers and tiny fingers who pet her head and told her no more bad as the sunshine drifted in between the waving branches of the trees in the park as everyone spoke French around them and her sister lounged on the blanket, rocking her foot to the imaginary beat of the afternoon harmonies. 

“We have to head back to the hotel soon,” the adult explained as she turned a page and caught sight of her watch. “Indra scheduled a meeting.” 

“It’s our off day.” 

“I don’t think we actually have those.” 

“I can’t hear you, I’m napping.” 

“You’re less cooperative than a toddler, just so you know.” 

“I already knew.” 

“I’m going to tell Clarke.” 

“She knows too.” 

Lexa smiled to herself and pressed her face into the soft blades of grass while her nephew plopped down near her, still rubbing her hair gently, making more of a mess of it than usual. Nothing was going to get accomplished today, not with spring around them and hopeful enough to distract from the tiredness of the second half of the tour and the start of festival season. 

“She’s coming along soon, huh?” 

“Just over a week,” Lexa smiled and closed her eyes. “Dublin.” 

“Ah, the city of love. If only we went on tour and hit the actual City of Love… Oh, wait…” 

“She had to wrap up her internship and then promised to come on vacation and see some of Europe with us.” 

“You say us, like Clarke is going to be hanging out with me and the kiddo.” 

“Sometimes,” Lexa shrugged. “If you want to see her and stuff.” 

“I’d like to get to know her, if you’ll keep her around.” 

On the grass, Lexa stretched and basked in a little bit of sunshine. She savored the feeing of the dirt and the grass and the toddler that threw himself onto her stomach while her sister hinted at getting to know her girlfriend. 

“Can you remind me not to do anymore tours ever again?” 

“I would, but you’ve already got the workings of another album in the works,” Anya squinted and tossed her book down. 

“No, I refuse. I’m taking a vacation.” 

“You say that now.” 

“I haven’t taken a proper vacation in like six years.” 

“What about rehab?” 

Lexa scoffed and furrowed, rolling her eyes at the idea that she had any sort of fun while pulling the toxins from her body. That the inability to move from her bed, that the shaking and the sick and the ache and the pain-- none of it was a vacation in any form. But Lexa used it. She savored the pain, even when it was enough to make her want to kill herself, because it was her cosmic retribution for everything else she did to her sister. 

But she would never say it was a vacation.

“If that’s what a woman’s gotta do to get a break, I guess I’m due.” 

“I’ll kill you myself next time.” 

“I might take you up on that.” 

The siblings smiled at each other. Lexa smiled as she felt a tiny head nuzzle under her neck. It was perfect, and Lexa was getting good at appreciating these things. 

XXXXXXXXXX

There weren’t so much jitters anymore as there had been before. From time to time, Lexa would feeling a little more amped up than normal when putting on for a particularly raucous crowd. But in the tedium of such a long tour, the almost day-to-day schedule didn’t really get her up in arms anymore. 

But there was a ritual to it all. Most of her day was perfectly coordinate by her manager and a publicist and an entire corporate army of people whose sole job it was to make her bband a success, and as she got older and sober, she realized how good they were at it, and how easy her life could become if she let it. 

And what no one seemed to point out, or at least not that she could remember, was that if she listened and was receptive and prompt, her days led to more free time. It was an actual wonder to see it function as it should. 

The nerves came slowly, and though they never reached the former, paralyzing level, they still grew the closer it got. Lexa took the edge off with stretching and playing video games before the meet and greets, and between that and the set, she read and kept quiet, to herself, away from people. She was about to be pelted with thousands of voices, and having none was her permanent pre-detox. 

Sometimes, she watched the opener, proud of their growth. Sometimes she called Clarke, depending on the time zone. 

Mostly, Lexa sat in her green room and waited, itched, ahed to play. The nerves came from an eagerness to wreck herself on stage.

“Can we skip the hand squeezing after tonight?” Lexa asked as Indra swept into the green room, eyes fixed pointedly on her phone screen as she typed some response. “I went for a run yesterday and I need to recover.” 

“Where’s Anya?” 

“You can just tell me, you don’t have to wait for Anya.” 

“She’s nicer to me; she doesn’t ask for ridiculous favors like avoiding wealthy and famous and connected people who play your records.” 

“Not to your face,” the guitarist grumbled.

“How kind of her. But this is something I need her help with.” 

“Maybe I can help.” 

“I don’t know,” she shook her head and shoved her phone in her pocket. “I think… This is a tough... “

To many, they wouldn’t see how much Indra cared about the two sisters. They were her bounce back to the big times. She discovered them, brought them up, showed them the ropes, kept them as safe as she could. She celebrated the highs, the hits, the shows, and she was there for the lows, for the rehab, for the relapse. She lived for them, giving up all other clients, traveling with them part-time. She was protective because they were her’s. 

“You’re going to have Anya tell me whatever news you’re about to break?”

“Yes,” Indra nodded, earning a smile. 

“Coward.” 

“You could be nicer to me-- I’m letting your girlfriend come along for a few weeks.” 

“You like Clarke.” 

“I do, which makes this a little more difficult.” 

“I’ve never seen you have difficulties telling me anything before. This must be bad. Did we get dropped from the label? Am I under arrest? Embarrassing pictures leaking? My porn history hacked?” 

“Not that I’m aware of,” Indra sighed, mentally making a note to have all internet-capable devices double checked. “This is more of something that I want to prepare you for, but I’m trying to be considerate of your sobriety.” 

“Oh, yikes,” Lexa furrowed and turned around, facing her friend who looked like she struggled with these words more than ever before. “Well, I’m in a good place. I’ve been working the meetings. Honestly, I can handle anything.” 

“Tonight there’s-- Well… What I mean is the... “ she took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Where is Anya?” 

“Probably changing the kid. She likes to put him down before our shows. I told you to ban him from the tour. The whole lot of them. Anya and the kid and the husband, exhausting.” 

“Costia is coming to the show tonight.”

The name hurt. It hit her like a ton of bricks. In any string of words put together in the world, she never imagined that Indra would put those words together. 

“Weird. She hates my shows.” 

“She’s promoting a movie she’s in for a second, and she’ll be in town. She knows it’ll generate buzz and rumors.” 

“You’ve spoken to her publicist then?” Lexa nodded to herself, keeping it all business. That would help, she convinced herself. 

“I did. It… it didn’t go well. We basically got the message that it’s happening no matter what, and we should prepare, and there’s no stopping it.” 

“Couldn’t you just ban her?” 

“And then the story is about how you’re still hung up on her. If she comes here, it’s her that’s hung up on you.” 

“Is she?” 

She hadn’t meant to sound interested, and she wasn’t actually. She hadn’t thought about Costia in a long time, but suddenly she had to think about her, and that was hard. Awkwardly, her agent shifted and took a deep breath, strongly disliking this conversation. 

“I mean, who wouldn't be?” 

“Don’t manage me.” 

“It was a good line though, wasn’t it?” Indra offered a small grin. 

“I don’t care. Do I have to see her?” The manager pursed her lips and Lexa groaned. “I need to call Clarke before this hits the waves.” 

“Want to hit a meeting after all of this? I’ll go with you.” 

“I’ll let you know.” 

“Hey, you almost ready to go on?” Anya stuck her head into the room. 

“Oh, now you show up,” Indra shook her head and brushed past her.

“What’s her problem?” 

Lexa just shook her head and turned back toward the mirror. 

XXXXXXXXXX

The sweat was just starting to cool on her neck when her sister stalked toward her, and Lexa knew she was in trouble, even if she didn’t know what for just yet. The euphoria wouldn’t go away. She was still on that high and the stadium was still changing her name despite the encore and there really weren’t drugs that could compete with something like that, even with Anya’s angry face. 

“So that’s why you switched up the set list for the encore.” 

Hands on her hips, she stopped in front of her sister, blocking her off from the rest of the world, cornered and toweling the sweat off of her neck and forehead. 

“Thought we could just do a few different songs tonight,” Lexa shrugged. 

“Indra should have told me. You should have told me.” 

“Why? It’s just a normal night.” 

“That dumb bitch got you hooked--”

“Okay, hold on. You can’t blame her for my actions. Costia didn’t--”

“Don’t defend her!” Anya yelled. 

Lexa had seen her sister mad. She’d made her mad from time to time, believe it or not. She was good at it, but it was never real anger, never this real kind of bite to her words that she currently was exhibiting. This wasn’t a time to reason with her or nitpick word choice. 

In all honesty, Lexa just wanted the night to end. 

Her legs were sore, her brain was a little distracted, and she knew she was gong to wake up to very stupid rumors. But she’d be one day closer to her girlfriend arriving. She smiled, thinking about Tinder’s numbers. 

“You’ll be with me. We’ll do the stupid hand shaking and after party thing, and be on our way. I’m fine, by the way.” 

“You changed the songs.” 

“Yeah.” 

She looked guilty at the admission as her sister sized up the result of the news. 

“You played her song.” 

“The only songs I play are mine.” 

It was a lie, but her sister didn’t push. 

“We’ll do a meeting tomorrow. Two if you want.” 

“Can we just take it hour by hour. I’m honestly fine. I don’t want to think about it too much.” 

“Okay.” 

“Thank you.” 

“Does Clarke know?” Anya ventured, softening slightly. 

“Yeah, I called her before we went on. That was an awkward conversation.” 

“What did you say? Hey, my ex is here and I have to see her for very stupid and very commercial reasons?” 

“Basically, but with a lot of ‘please don’t be mad at me’s thrown in for good measure.” 

Anya smiled and put her arm over her sister’s shoulders before steering her toward the dressing room. 

“You should send her flowers tomorrow.” 

“Already ordered.” 

“Thata girl. I knew you were trainable.” 

XXXXXXXX

It wasn’t hard to see Costia, and that was the hard part. She was beautiful. She was still beautiful. She would always be beautiful. It wasn’t hard to be in the same room as her because she was light and airy, she was wind and wild and illuminating to anyone that came within her orbit. She was intoxicating so that nothing made sense and you did things you normally wouldn’t do, but it was okay, because she had the capacity to see you and believe in you and make you believe in yourself. She was effervescent, and Lexa hated that word because no one was ever actually effervescent-- except for Costia. 

She wasn’t a bad person, contrary to what Anya might think. In fact, often she was a very good person who held doors for strangers and was the type to discreetly tell you there was food in  your mouth before following it up with a compliment about your shoes and the next thing you knew, you were best friends and it was a week later and you didn’t know how you got to St. Tropez. 

It wasn’t hard to see Costia-- it was actual torture. 

Costia smelled like coke in Barbados. She tasted like lines off tanned thighs. She looked like two yellow pills and a tab on a tongue. She was a numbness that made Lexa itch like she hadn’t itched before and she wondered if she was still in love with her. 

And all of this happened in a room full of people who had no idea. 

The niceties of the party were done and the evening stretched. Anya kept an eye on her sister and Lexa was grateful for it. She needed it, she realized; not because she was afraid of doing anything, but just that she was very afraid of being alone. 

“I recognize that look,” Costia whispered as she slipped beside Lexa, weaving through the crowd to find her alone in a corner. 

“I don’t have looks.” 

“You are desperately planning your escape.” 

“Just trying to find my sister,” Lexa disagreed, avoiding looking at her. 

If she glanced, she would have seen her shoulders, bare and sun-kissed. She would have seen the familiar slope of her nose and the stupid little scar on the corner of her jaw that she felt very self-conscious about despite it being half an inch and unnoticeable to anyone who wasn’t intimately-- Nope. She wouldn’t glance. 

Her palms were sweaty, and she gripped the glass of water tighter in her hand. 

“You look good, by the way. I don’t think I told you that. We didn’t really get a chance to chat, though I imagine that’s by Indra’s design.” 

“She’s good at her job.” 

Costia chuckled and Lexa felt her throat close. 

“I followed your lead. Clean for 4 months.” 

“That’s really good. You look,” Lexa gulped and looked at her ex, cursory and strictly for show. “You look good.” 

“Thank you, for doing this, for coming tonight,” Costia offered, taking the chance of meeting Lexa’s eyes finally to be earnest and grateful. “I know it’s stupid, but our paths crossed and we need all the publicity we can for this movie. It’s stupid--’ She tucked a stray curl behind her ear and Lexa died. 

“It’s not. I’m proud you’re branching out. I wasn’t going to do anything else tonight anyway.” 

She got sized up with that comment and she felt it. Deep amber eyes searched her face and plump lips curled up the faintest amount. Only someone acquainted with those lips would see it and appreciate. 

Lexa looked away immediately before taking a sip of her water. 

“We should get out of here and catch up.” 

If only Anya were around. Or Clarke. 

Clarke. 

Fuck. 

Lexa took a deep breath and let it out slowly, clearing all of the noise and the memories. 

“I promised my sister I wouldn’t leave without her. We have a show tomorrow, and this tour has been crazy. I’m running again and I ran yesterday but I want to do it again tomorrow.” 

“That was about six excuses rolled into one.”  

“I think the most important of all might be Clarke. I promised her I’d behave myself.”

“You don’t trust me?” 

It was the look. The same look she had before every wonderful thing that happened during their relationship. The look that Costia got before mischief was afoot-- before she tackled Lexa into bed, before she tossed her book aside and crawled into her lap, before she told her to ignore her phone and spend the weekend in a cabin. 

“No. I don’t.” 

She laughed and shook her head. 

“That’s fair. I’ve been fairly untrustworthy in the past.” 

“You can say that.” 

They were quiet for a moment and Anya caught Lexa’s eye from across the room and did her best to make her way over for the rescue. 

“So. Clarke. That’s an interesting name. How’d you meet?”

“Tinder.” 

“Wow. I wouldn’t have taken you for a dating app user.” 

“I’m not. It was for a radio interview game… almost a year ago, actually,” Lexa smiled to her chest as she recounted it. 

“How’s she doing with the whole,” she waved her hands in Lexa’s direction. “Rockstar thing.” 

“Anya doesn’t let me call myself that.” 

“It’s still true.” 

“She’s good. She’s... “ Lexa paused and smiled, unsure of how to describe her present versus the haze of memories she’d buried and been forced to excavate in the past fifteen minutes. “She’s sturdy. She’s steady. She’s gorgeous and funny and strong. She finds me impressive for the things I’m proud of being and she’s not bothered by the things everyone else latches onto. She’s a photographer. And messy but in a neat way-- like her mess isn’t unwieldy. It’s perfect. She’s like breathing, you know? When you sit at the bottom of the pool and then get a big gulp of air. That’s what she feels like.” 

Speechless, Costia stared at her ex as she realized she’d said many words. She recounted it all in her own head and felt each syllable like a knife creating small slits across her skin. 

“Wow. Where can I get one of those?” 

Lexa blushed to the tips of her ears and smiled, embarrassed and awkward as she sipped a little more. 

“Sorry, I just… I don’t get to talk about her much on the road.” 

“No, no… it was refreshing,” the model lied. “Have you written her songs yet?” 

“No.” 

It was Lexa’s turn to lie, though she didn’t consider it such. Not when she hadn’t published or really polished anything worthwhile. 

“That’s surprising. Did you tell her you were going to see me?” 

“Yeah, I called her before I went on tonight.”

“How’d she feel?” 

“Not great. But she understood.” 

“Sounds too good to be true.” 

“She’s… yeah. I don’t know. She’s my favorite person on the planet, honestly.” 

Before Costia could ask anything else, Anya was able to disentangle herself from the group that accumulated and found her sister. 

“I think you gave the reporters more than enough time together,” Anya muttered, disinterested in anything from Costia. “Ready to head out?” 

“Yeah, sounds good,” Lexa nodded. “It was great to catch up. I’d say let’s do it again, but I have a feeling our sponsors might say no.” 

“Or your girlfriend.” 

“Clarke?” Anya scoffed. “Nah. She’s too graceful to say something like that. But I will. I think we can say this was enough catching up for a century.” 

Costia nodded and looked back at Lexa who didn’t disagree with her sister, though she shook her head and tried to soften the blow. 

“That’s not true,” Lexa feigned politeness. “It really was good to see you, and I’m glad you’re doing so well.”

Costia leaned forward and hugged her ex. Lexa only used one arm and pulled away as quickly as possible. 

“You too, Lex,” she smiled. “I’ll see you around.” 

“Yeah, I hope so.” 

“I could go without it,” Anya interrupted. 

With a nod, Costia made her way back into the party and Lexa looked at her sister before earning a disapproving glance. 

“We were just catching up. She’s clean, and I know how hard it is sometimes.”

“You looked chummy.” 

“We actually were just chumming it up.” 

“She lives in a room behind a door that you don’t want to reopen. Leave her there, Lex.”

“I am.” 

“Good.”

NEXT

[sometimesrosy]

Can you give a timeline of when you think bellarke’s feelings for each other began? btw I love ur meta posts :)

thanks! :)

I worked on this all day. It took a long time. I should remember it the next time someone asks me for this and just point them back to this. 

Season 1

first meeting: WOAH who’s that? Hot. (mutual)

early drop ship: antagonist but strangely drawn to each other. they need each other or need to find a way around the other. (the wrist band. take it off. you’ll have to kill me. she makes him smile. and she needs him to follow her.)

Earth Skills: falling in the pit: he DIDN’T drop her. They are both surprised by this. A recognition that he is NOT the bad guy he seems. On both sides. I think it throws bellamy more than it does clarke.

Earth Kills: She kills Atom. She realizes he is softer than he seems. He realizes she is tougher than she seems. New respect. They begin to work together.

Murphy’s Law: He builds a wall with fear. She doubts but sees it’s working. She goes off half cocked to blame Murphy, when he told her not to and it causes disaster. She begins to respect him as a leader who understands things. 

Twilight’s Last Gleaming: They are working separately for the same ends (to save Charlotte) Until she GIVES him power. Instead of fighting against each other to run the delinquents, they do it together. IT WORKS. Team Bellarke begins. 

“Can you wish upon this kind of shooting star?”: first intimacy. She expects him not to understand. He does. Beginning of tentative friendship.

Work together to… well… torture Lincoln *sigh*: He tries to protect her from it, she refuses. She doesn’t need to be protected. She’s taking responsibility for their action. He tries to lessen the burden the way she did with Atom.

Day Trip: She seeks him out to partner with. Says it’s because she doesn’t like him. But she can be honest with him and depend on him to back her up. Hmm. Clarke tells Finn she trusts Bellamy and is surprised by this. (this might be out of order.) They work together well and this is its own intimacy. Find guns. He is thrown by the intimacy and realizes he is physically attracted to her. They flirt. He runs off. They save each other from Dax. He is vulnerable and tells her he is a monster. She tells him he can’t leave and she needs him, which makes him look at her in hope, “We ALL need you,” which makes him look away in disappointment (the moment Rosy stared shipping it. I said ‘wait what? he cares if she needs him? let me watch that 10 billion times.’) Power couple enters camp to save the day. Clarke intercedes with Jaha to save and praise Bellamy. He can’t believe it. Clarke truly likes Bellamy. Bellamy’s crush on Clarke begins. 

Unity Days: honest to god flirting. Clarke is putting out genuine signals to Bellamy like any girl who is into a guy. At this point I think it is mostly physical for her. She wants to have fun and he’s hot and she likes him. He sends her away (this is a pattern with him. when there is a potential for romance with her he backs off.) She turns to Bellamy to back her up with Finn’s plan. She has drawn her alliance in the sand here. She trusts and depends upon Bellamy, not Finn.  Bellamy does not disappoint her. 

I can’t separate it here. They work together a lot. Trust each other. Argue over how to do things. Confide in each other. Support each other. They are becoming real friends here. I think when he sleeps with Raven there is a measure of jealousy that Clarke went with Finn, but he’s not going to admit that. He is not acknowledging his feelings for her at this point. Brushes them off as nothing but a crush.

When Clarke closes the dropship door on Bellamy, she is terrified and desperate that she might lose him, to the extent that her canon love interest who is trying to get her back sees her distress and goes after his prime competition to SAVE him for HER. Which is worse, because now she has to close the door on both the boy she loves and the man she has come to depend on the most. Yes I called Finn a boy and Bellamy a man. Do you disagree?

super long. seasons 2, 3 and 4 after the jump

Season 2

 Clarke awakens and fixates on Bellamy and Finn. Always a pair in her concern. Her love interest and her….??? If they had been in the mountain, I doubt she would have struggled to get out. Pairing of Finn and Bellamy in her mind is a subconscious thing. Bellamy is becoming someone LIKE a love interest, without being one.

Bellamy takes Finn’s lead on rescuing Clarke. He doesn’t HAVE to admit his feelings for her, because Finn will obsessively go after her for him. He lets him and takes the back seat. He choses Mel and his people over Clarke and sends Finn after Clarke.  Because he does. Not. have feelings for her. 

Reunion hug: startling everyone. Clarke runs into his arms. Pure joy and relief for them both. They do not know how they feel about each other. It does not matter. They are just feeling it. It’s a lot. 

Campfire: Bellamy stares first and Octavia and then at Clarke, realizing for the first time there’s someone OTHER than O who he wants to see again. Then they absolve each other of their sins. It had to be done. Mutual support. On an emotional level. After this there is lots of teamwork. 

“I can’t lose you too”: Bellamy is shocked that she linked him and Finn. I don’t know if Clarke noticed that she did it. But she did. She needs him. Followed closely by “Love is a weakness”–”I was being weak.” Seems to him that Clarke doesn’t care anymore. But it’s really a subconscious (I think) realization that she loves Bellamy and losing him would be too painful, so she pushes him away and refuses to feel. Bellamy then shuts off all feelings for her and focuses on his quest to save his people. (princess/knight trope)

“It just makes sense.”: princess/knight trope from Bellamy’s perspective. Devoted love, but “platonic.” From here on until Camp Jaha, Bellamy’s feelings for Clarke are barely even a thing in season 2. He puts it aside.

Bellamy finally radios: Before she hears his voice, she is despairing, feels hopeless, and is afraid she sentenced him to death. Once she hears his voice she has a new plan. Keep Bellamy alive by distracting MW with an army.

TonDC bombing: Clarke goes to Lxa to save TonDC, but Lxa uses her concern for Bellamy to get her to agree to sacrifice the coalition leaders and town. She had other reasons, but it was Bellamy’s protection that decided her. 

The entire time she’s working with L she is talking about Bellamy, about protecting him, about how he’s trustworthy, how he’ll do it, about how much faith she has in him.

“You care about him,” L asks her. She denies it. It’s a weakness to care. When L cared, her enemies killed  her. Clarke is aware of this. L described Costia as special. She cannot show to L that Bellamy is special. (she fails at this.)

When L kisses her, Clarke says she is not ready for anything with anybody. Please note there is no one else trying to kiss her. I maintain that she is already thinking of Bellamy as that possible “anybody” that she’s not ready for. Further linking Bellamy in that rejection/potential LI is the EXACT next scene. Next line even. “Bellamy did it.” Bellamy’s signal flare goes up. He got rid of the veil. The army can march.

Clarke and Bellamy meet under the mountain: This is a remarkable reunion in that it seems to be a reversal of the previous reunion where Clarke ran to Bellamy and jumped into his arms. This time they don’t touch. She does, however, hug Monty and Jasper and Bellamy hugs Octavia. Something has changed. I think it goes back to what she told L. She now sees Bellamy as a romantic interest, but she is NOT READY FOR THAT. So she holds back and keeps it all business, just as he is since being told it was worth the risk. 

The Lever: This was HUGE for Clarke. She had to do it but she struggled with the immensity of it. He does it with her, harkening back to season 1 and their partnership where they shared the burden. She values him SO much because of this.

Camp Jaha departure: She says good bye to Bellamy. He’s heartbroken. He wanted her to stay but he understood why she left. She kisses him here, and almost looks like she would stay but tears herself away from him. Her goodbye to him is different than the one to Monty. It is saying goodbye to a romanic potential that she’s not ready for. It is not platonic. He’s still platonic though. She leaves. And while we don’t see it, believe that she spends the entire 3 months alone thinking about him and what he did for her and how much she cared for him. I believe she is in love with him here and knows it but is entirely unready for it. He has no clue.

Season 3

Wanheda 1 and 2. Bellamy still has no clue that he is in love with Clarke but he is also a bit obsessed with her. “a bit.” 

He disguises himself and runs across enemy lines to find her. He forgets his surroundings when he sees her. She calls him (I think) “Bell” and seems amazed that he would come to her. She is already in love with him. She gives up fighting so Roan will spare him. (Roan clocks this whole interaction. Roan begins to ship it. Confirmed. Ask Zach.)

Dumbass Bellamy is bleeding out trying to follow them.  “–Can’t lose Clarke!!! We can’t lose Clarke!” despair. Shocking everyone who sees him so distraught. Dumbass still doesn’t know he’s in love with her. 

Bellamy leaves MW to go save Clarke at the summit. Finds out MW and Gina are gone. Clarke looks like the enemy. Stays with the enemy. Does not come home with him. BETRAYAL. Dumbass still does not realize that these feelings he has for her are love. Plus, doubly heartbroken, Gina and Clarke both gone to the grounders. CLARKE at the summit is horrified to see him. Refuses to show her feelings to him in front of Azgeda, Lxa and the coalition, all of whom are barely allies and closer to enemies. Love is a weakness. They kill people you love to control you. She can also barely even show emotion to her mother here. She’s deep in a mental breakdown here. 

Hakeldama: Clarke still believes Bellamy is her hero. He wouldn’t. He’ll fix it. He’ll work with her. He isn’t. He won’t. We finally get Bellamy to call Clarke to task for what she did to HIM specifically. They finally express emotions they have been restraining for months. And only with each other. Bellamy sees her crying and kneels in front of her taking her hand and BOOM, finally catches up to the dumbass. HE’S IN LOVE WITH HER! OH! Crap. That’s terrifying. Slaps the handcuffs on her, breaking her heart, because she thinks he hates her. When really he’s just terrified. She shocklashes him and runs.

Clarke turns to Lxa because she’s heartbroken and Lxa loves her. Bellamy turns to Pike because screw you softer emotions and screw you grounders! Screw all of you. Clearly Clarke and Bellamy are done.

Nevermore: No, you’re wrong. Clarke and Bellamy are not done. Team’s back together. Mutual handwrapping is an intimacy that says they still care. Clarke begins her campaign to win back Bellamy’s friendship and care. Which she never lost but he’s so angry.  Demons, the team is back. Partnership reclaimed.

The  Beach: She won’t leave him even though he tells her to buzz off. He forgives her. They hug and find their home in each other again. The hug allows him to cry. It allows her to smile. Then they drink poison with an actual vow, “together.” In some circles that’s a commitment ceremony.

The scene when Clarke is looking at the Polis tower, and then looks at Bellamy passing in front of the rover and he is haloed by the lights is, I think, a visual bit of storytelling which says Clarke has let go of L and is moving onto the future, which is with Bellamy. There were other signs of her processing her grief, but I think this wasn’t just for us, but was her thinking about the past and then letting go. 

When she tells him that she trusts him, I think it goes a long way to him feeling like she values him. Which maybe he didn’t think before.

He returns that when he tells her that he believes her about the flame and not only doesn’t he argue with her but he feeds her the chip. 

Oh also the hand holding when the flame goes in. She reaches out for him and he is there only for emotional support because she’s afraid. 

Season 4

The beginning of season 4 starts with them very much together and intimate and partnered, with everything from her thanking him for keeping her alive to his threats to echo when she has Clarke to leaving Polis together. However, the reminder of her love for L reinforces his belief that although he loves Clarke, she does not love him. She does though. She loved them both.

Their partnership is super tight in the early s4. They are very together. Bellamy is sure he loves her, but he still thinks it’s the princess/knight thing. It’s not. She returns it and moves closer and closer to him, up until the list scene where she nuzzles his hand and he…. can’t take it. Or doesn’t think she loves him and is just physical or gets scared or I don’t know what, but he runs away. She feels sad and rejected by him again, and although she thought he loved her too, she now thinks he doesn’t feel that way for her. Boo. Both move away from love. 

But I think he was jealous and pissed off when she went to Niylah. Because he treats her WAY different after that. Oh I think she was jealous when she saw him talking to Luna, though, too. hm.

At this point we are now in full on mutual pining. He loves her and thinks she doesn’t love him back (witness Niylah and Lxa.) She loves him and thinks he doesn’t feel like that about her (witness he keeps turning her down.) 

Clarke did not intend to almost confess her feelings for him on the beach. But she was feeling so much, longing so much they just slipped out.

He ALMOST got it, but not quite. Started to confess his feelings for her, and I don’t think he was intending to tell her he loved her, that’s too hard for him, but he was going to say something and it might have been about how special SHE was. but no.

On science island, we have Clarke full on pining for a love like Memori, with that soft empty bed. I think she’s thinking about Bellamy.

In Arkadia, Jasper convinces Bellamy to want something for himself, and he goes with Bree, Clarke’s lookalike. Whether they did it or not, he turned to a substitute for Clarke. Because it was as close as he could get because he couldn’t have her.

When she kidnaps, imprisons and points a gun at him, he is full on furious at her. I don’t think he even thinks of his emotions. Just fury. Betrayal. 

She thinks it’s over. Why bother? He hates her. 

Then he realizes in the rover that when she didn’t pull the gun on him, it wasn’t a sign that she didn’t value him, but a sign that she valued him over EVERYONE. I think he finally connects that Clarke actually loves him back, and all of a sudden his anger evaporates and he’s smiling at her. It’s totally dumb and comes out of nowhere. It’s because he realizes she LOVES HIM TOO. She doesn’t realize yet that it’s mutual. 

But they are all of a sudden a team again. 

When he hugs her because she missed her phone call, Clarke already thinks she’s dying. She sinks into him and grabs onto him, holding onto him because she’s decided she doesn’t want to let him go. 

When they’re flirting with oxymorons and cold sweat, I think we get HER moment where she realizes he returns her feelings. For one second there’s a light of joy in her face and then she remembers that she’s dying and she doesn’t want him to hurt when she does and she doesn’t get to keep him and she’s sad.

He doesn’t want her to tell him goodbye because he knows what it means and he can’t bear it and he also doesn’t want her confession because it means the same thing but he stops and listens because he loves her.

They go to fix the dish. They get separated. When she tells him to “hurry,” that is essentially her saying she doesn’t want to give up trying and she’s going to try to live and it is the opposite of “may we meet again” because it essentially means may we not part at all. 

And here’s Bellamy where his heart breaks.

And here’s Clarke where she’s been holding onto his memory for 6 years to keep from losing her mind. Because it’s a love letter she’s sending him every day for 2199 days.

And here’s where my heart breaks. 

Screw you JR. 

30 more days.

[broadwaybound2016]

The 100 Ask Game

thanks for tagging me @dylanobrienisbatman! <3

1. What would you get arrested for on the Ark?

shit who the hell knows

2. Would you take off your wristband when you landed on the ground?

Ahhh yes probably so, I think I would probably be saying to hell with the ark.

3. What would the necklace Finn would make for you look like? (Clarke: deer/Raven: a raven duh..)

probably a phoenix, I like the symbolism

4. If you could resurrect any MINOR character who would it be?

Anya definitely Anya, I wanted to see her relationship with Lexa so badly. Or even though we technically never got to see her she was mentioned so could maybe be included, definitely Costia 100%

5. Create a squad of 5 characters to go on missions with. Who are they?

Raven, Luna, Lexa, Clarke, Anya (yes I know they are all female, why you ask, females fucking rock)

6. Minty or Briller?

I honestly support both and don't have an opinion on either

7. What would your name be in Trigedasleng? (example: Octavia=Okteivia…just make it up!)

Kelly is my name, so probably Kelhi or Kelli

8. Thoughts on Finn? Some people hate him, and others love him, so I’m curious

I honestly never liked Finn. I always thought the women in his life were way to good for him.

9. Be honest. How willing would you have been to take the chip without knowing all the horrible things it does?

I don't think I would have taken the chip, the thought of never feeling pain again make it seem like life would just be dull. How do we experience true happiness and joy when that is supposedly all we ever feel. We need the dark and sad moments to truly feel when something good happens.

10. What character do you relate to most & What character do you like the least not including the obvious ones like Pike, etc…

I think I relate to Raven and Octavia the most and probably a little bit of Bellamy thrown in even though it pains me to say that. Also I relate to Octavia from Season 1, I hate what her character has become as time has gone on. I would like to say that I am kind like Raven but I have a sort of biting humor and don't let things effect me or at least show anyone that I am hurt by anything. I can be a bit brash but honestly I have good intentions. I am usually pretty good in tough situations because I can think on my feet. As far as the part of me that relates to Bellamy would be that I am outspoke and opinionated and I can come off as being arrogant at times but again I mean well. I also tend to do what I want no matter what the repercussions may be. Finally in regards to Octavia, I am pretty adventurous and like to feel free and have a good time. I especially love testing others when they say I can't do something it makes me want to defy them all the more. I absolutely hate feeling controlled or confined. I also am a person who will easily accept you as a friend but once you have crossed me its super hard for me to overlook that.

My least favorite characters shift pretty often, like I loved Abby season 1 when she was rebellious but season 2 Abby pissed me off, where as the opposite is true of Kane. Its funny that even though I relate to Bellamy he actually is one of my least favorite characters along with Octavia. I loved her season 1 but they ruined her after that. Also Finn was an extremely annoying character to me.

11. Describe your delinquent outfit. (Would you wear something like Murphy’s jacket with the spikey red shoulder patch or have a trademark like Jasper’s goggles? Be creative, yet practical)

I think as a delinquent I maybe would have a shaved head or some type of fade with a Bieber flip on one side. I would definitely have a bad ass bomber preferably my favorite color which is a sky blue. I would probably have a thermal underneath and some ripped up jeans. Also I would definitely have some classic black motorcycle boots and a permanent bandana wrapped around my wrist.

12. Favorite type of mutant animal?

Probably the butterflies

13. What would your job be on the Ark?

I have no friken idea but I am a delinquent anyway so what does it matter

14. Would you have willingly pumped Ontari’s heart if Abby asked?

Yeah probably, I mean would not have cared at all about Ontari and would have wanted to save Clarke.

15. If Lexa wasn’t Heda, but she’s still alive right? then who would make the best commander?

Damn that is a super tough one, like I honestly believe no one but Lexa was fit to be the commander, maybe this may seem like an odd choice but Lincoln. He seemed like he had such great morals but was also willing to do what was necessary for the people he loved.

16. If you were a grounder, then where would you live and who would be your mentor?

I mean I would want to live in the Capitol and have Lexa be my mentor but I am pretty sure I would not survive under her tutelage. I would probably be trikru and would want Lincoln as my mentor.

17. How would you act if you ate the hallucinogenic nuts like Jasper and Monty?

Man I do not know I tend to react badly to anything hallucinogenic so I probably would think people were out to kill me and freak out hiding somewhere till it passed.

18. How would you have dealt with Charlotte’s crime? A more John Murphy approach or Bellamy Blake?

Honestly given the fact that she was so young and it seemed that she was dealing with PTSD from the way she lost her parents I would have probably realized that she had suffered a psychotic break. I would have definitely required her to be locked up for awhile but in a safe space where she could have someone to talk to. I don't think I would handle it like either of them, I would have protected her from Murphy but I would not have tried to beat him to death or blamed him for her death.

19. Who should be the Chancellor, if anyone?

I think I would say Kane, he started off terribly in season 1 but he has really grown as a leader and proven himself worthy of the role.

20. Mount Weather had a lot of modern commodities. (example: Maya’s Ipod) What is the one thing you would snatch while there?

Definitely an iPod I need my tunes

21. Do you think you’d have caught the virus spread through camp or would you have been immune like Octavia?

I would definitely have caught the virus and most likely would have gotten ridiculously ill

22. What would your grounder tattoos look like? Hairstyle? War paint?

If I was a grounder I think I would go full shaved head or awesome faux hawk. As for tattoos I would want a full sleeve on my right arm filled with pictures of my home. Then I would want a quote that took up most of my back. As far as warpaint goes I think I would want it to be like fingerprints of my loved ones just displayed on my cheeks.

23. Favorite quote?

“I belong nowhere”

-Echo

“You were right Clarke. Life is about more than just surviving”

-Lexa

“In peace may you leave the shore. In love may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels until our final journey on the ground... May we meet again.”

-Clarke

24. Can you forgive Murphy for his actions? How about Bellamy?

Honestly no and yes, I can forgive both of them because everyone in the 100 does terrible things. However, at the same time its really hard for me to ever forget their mistakes and it makes me second guess their characters a lot.

25. If one of the characters was in the Hunger Games, who would have the best shot at winning? NOOOOO ALREADY SO MUCH DEATH NOOOO

When Lexa was alive I would have said Lexa, she could fight and she had brains. However, when Lexa died I would say Luna, frankly we all know that Octavia winning that fight was absolutely bullshit.

26. Least favorite ship? Favorite ship? NOT INCLUDING CL OR BC

least favourite ship would probably be…Javen, no just no.

Favourite ship: Sea Mechanic, it never happened and it should have god damn happened they were perfect for each other. I also would be up for Braven now, I  am not a massive Bellamy fan but I LOVE them in scenes together.

27. A song that should be included in the next season, like when Radioactive was? If there had to be another guest star like Shawn Mendes on the show, who would you want to make a cameo?

I would love to hear Hiide and Seek by Claire Guerreso or Run Boy Run by Woodkid.

28. What would you do if you were stuck in the bunker with Murphy for all that time?

I think Murphy and I would have some fun times together.

29. Opinion on Emori? Roan?

I could leave or take either honestly.

30. Would you want to be an extra that is killed off in a brutal way?

Sign me up, any death in any way. I would totally love it. Can Lexa come back to push me off the balcony.

31. A character you’d like to learn more about and get flashbacks of?

I always liked the idea of flashbacks to Lexa and Anya when they were young/training/etc., I also would have loved to see Lexa/Costia and how their love story worked.

32. A character you’d bang?

Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin, Lexa, Luna, Octavia (she would have to keep her mouth shut thought)