#correctly what i like and what touches my soul and it's so crushing mentally

[sschmendrick]

Sometimes I truly feel really dumb seeing all the people here and on the internet on general make amazing analysis of characters, of events, of parallels in books, movies, songs and whatnot. I feel very poor mentally when all I can see is cool images, amazing stories, and the best songs I get to listen to. I feel like I'm missing on so much, and always beein fed the analysis by other people because I just cannot do it on my own can be very tiring and sink the self-esteem. Especially as someone who's gonna end up working with artists I feel so out of place, like I shouldn't be there talking to them since I do not have the right tool to understand them.

What I hate most of all is that even the stuff that I adore I cannot dig into in a proper way. It's all feelings and it's not good enough.

[the-voltage-diaries]

Το Βόρειο Αστέρι μου - Lucifer x Diavolo

AO3 Link

Το Βόρειο Αστέρι μου: Greek for ‘My Polar Star’

Word Count: 1859

A/N: I don’t know what this is. All I know is that @simpingw0lfi3​​​​​​​ refused to do it, so I did. Of course, please don’t expect this to be perfect because... it really isn’t. 

Vote of thanks: @akaiiro-yume​​​​​ for checking and correcting all the grammatical fuck ups I did, making sure I didn’t stop writing this halfway and going through any mental breakdown I might have had instead for me. And, of course, @some-ikemen-snob​​​​​ for making sure this SCREAMED Lucifer energy this way and that. only for now, but ily both.

Devildom 14th February, 20XX Saturday, 7:57 PM

Dear Diary,

      I suppose I've never written a journal entry such as this in the past, for I haven't found either the desire or the will to task myself with writing my thoughts down in a manner wherein I speak to an inanimate object. That said, I have been told writing is, in a manner of speaking, therapeutic, and I believe I could do with some of that right now. It would be false to assume I don’t still harbour any inhibitions towards using my time in this manner, especially when I'd much rather be by Diavolo’s side. The very same Diavolo who, as a matter of fact, happens to be the subject of this writing session today. Strangely enough, and if I recall correctly, he was also the one who introduced - which is putting it rather mildly - me to the “art” of journal entries. I admit, I haven’t given this activity the kind of gravity which was probably expected out of me, but then again, today is a little different from the rest. I'm not entirely certain as to where to begin, but I do believe I have been told in situations like these, one should do whatever... feels right.

      Diavolo is... well, where do I even begin? He is the future of Devildom, as a few might call it - myself included. While he does appear to be quite the cheerful and at times careless lord, it’d be a lie to deny that he is just as wise and compassionate underneath that wave of buoyancy radiating off of him. Honest to a fault, but with his moral compass always pointing towards the best interest of those around him. I’ll admit, sometimes it proves to be rather difficult to believe that he indeed is a demon. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to compare him to the Polaris considering he does quite radiate the charisma from himself, shining admirably amidst a dark sea of onlookers. While in name he rules over all the demons in the land of Devildom, the right set of eyes won’t take too long to deduce the eloquence with which his fingers reach out to the soul of every single resident of the land, holding them together better than gravity ever bound humans to the earth. 

      Saying that is all there is to him would be a lie whiter than the wet snow, making its way to the tips of my fingers and sliding off gently onto this page. That, of course, doesn’t mean describing how I feel towards him is no herculean task. There are some cases when a language -  no matter the plethora of vocabulary it offers - just isn’t sufficient enough, and this certainly is one of those cases. For the time being, let’s just owe my lack of articulacy to the bond of mutual respect and trust Diavolo and I share, built over centuries upon centuries, braving the ravages of time, and even perhaps the less than pleasing antics my brothers tend to pull. But while the impression the ruler of all demons and I tend to emit may seem to be distanced by a careful degree of professionalism, I don’t believe anybody knows that that might not be the case. Even Diavolo himself. Doesn’t come as a surprise, really, for they simply can’t know.

      Why do I believe that to not be the case, then? Well, I would wonder why I felt so strongly about it had I not known the reason myself. The very same reason which is now a secret so surreptitious that I can’t help but consider burning this piece of paper once I finish writing to ensure it is never revealed to another set of eyes. Such dastardly is the nature of this emotion, tricking one into its delusive warmth, encompassing them with the belief that nothing truly is impossible, that what they feel might just be true and meaningful enough to be returned by the other they feel for, only to cackle with glee and turn away when the reality doesn’t match the fantasy it was believed to turn out to be. The very same emotion which in layman’s terms is apparently called... love.

      I’m not entirely certain I understand the extent of its exquisite existence myself, to be truthful. All I know is no matter how intensely I try to shut the door on its escaping fumes, it turns futile the second I lay my eyes on the man in question. While the rest of the known universe sees an omnipotent leader binding everyone together, making them sing the same tune in harmony, I see what I can only consider an anchor, grounding me, making it so that I can’t ever fall into the abyss of the darkness that breathes inside of me and float away. He is the quintessence of the best of what the world has to offer, with his golden eyes sparkling like stardust, weaving their ever-lasting magic into the hearts of whoever they come across - be it human, or demon, or angel - wrapping them in their never-ending warmth, letting them sink into the depths of benevolence they promise. His hair are the cerise of a raging inferno, sheltering beneath their canopy a quick, sensible, erudite mind. His smile is but a warm culmination of everything optimistic and positive, like a flame inviting moths to it, reaching out to give their innermost yearnings a hand to grab on to and never let go. Simply divine. And this is where the paths diverge, I suppose.

      They see a to-be Demon King, I see Diavolo.

      But alas, love is a fickle mistress. Getting too lost in the charm of her alluring arms will only result in a doom of them wrapping around your neck, enticing, until you realise their hold is tightening. Not to hold on, but to suffocate. I might have gotten so lost in that fiery gaze that I didn’t notice it start to crawl along my skin, leaving a charred, burnt path in its wake. The very anchor which I believed to be the one to ground me and hold me close etched itself deeper into the oceanic floor of delirium, drowning me. The threads of his stardust wrapped themselves around me and clutched hard enough to strangle. Before I knew it, the symphony of something meaningful became the cacophony of a nightmare.

      This red thread strung through itself earlier today the series of events I’d rather forget. I’ve known how I feel towards Diavolo for a while now, and I had been searching for an opportunity to come clean and let him know about it for the last few days. Not to say I hadn’t gotten said opportunities at all, but one could owe it to me being too prideful to admit I was finally opening up to the idea of accepting feelings and... emotions. Around that time was when Solomon let slip a few details about the significance of Valentine’s day in the human world as an annual occurrence to celebrate romantic love, friendship, and admiration, and with enough persistence, Asmodeus managed to convince Diavolo to declare the day as an official holiday. Just a few hours ago I walked along the empty hallways to Diavolo’s office, knowing him, Barbatos and I to be the only ones in the building, still choosing work over any form of inactivity. By then, I had talked myself into finally telling the most powerful of all demons about the feelings I harboured towards him. I am a little embarrassed to admit that I was indeed a tad hopeful, wishing for the feelings to be returned. Once I reached the door to his private office, my hand settled above the smooth hardwood to give it a knock. And that’s when I noticed that the door was already slightly ajar. I heard a voice inside, other than Diavolo’s, and I took the liberty to glance inside, only for my hopes to come crashing down when the realisation struck me: I shouldn’t have done that.

      Inside his office, Diavolo sat in his seat with his mouth pressed against another, a hand trailing across the small face with dark green locks framing it with elegance while the other held on to the person’s waist, pulling him closer. My eyes widened when the smaller man of the two let out a muffled whimper, perched on Diavolo’s lap. Barbatos. I felt my heart squeeze out a pained croak at the sight, and even though every single nerve in my body begged me to move away and forget I ever saw anything, my legs didn’t move. They stayed glued to their spot on the floor even as I felt it crumble beneath my feet, just the way my eyes stayed on Diavolo. My lip trembled with a longing I never thought I’d experience when Barbatos intertwined his fingers with Diavolo’s, smiling into the kiss they shared, like the perfect harmony which was always meant to be. It was when Diavolo broke the kiss, eyes meeting the other’s and whispers of love and confessions floating across the room until they settled on my ears, that I finally felt the mask crack. The facade I had worked on for centuries to lay the foundation of crumbled as my fists clenched, letting myself have a moment of weakness when a lone tear of frustration, delay, anger, and self loathing dripped down my cheek. I looked up at the ceiling, a voiceless laugh tumbling across my lips at the cognisance that the Polaris I was reaching out for, shining proud in the middle of a dark, cloudless sky, was beyond my reach, and... never supposed to be mine. How far I could stretch, how willing were my fingers to make one last attempt to touch it’s light and bask in it - all of that didn’t matter anymore.

      I exhaled a shaky breath, blinking once as I tucked away whatever it is I was going to tell Diavolo in some corner of my mind, crushing the key with a hard snap of my fingers. My eyes found Barbatos again, glazing over with a heartfelt wish for him to find his happiness, at least. It was with one last aching smile towards Diavolo and a euphoric laugh spilling from Barbatos’ lips that I turned on my heel, shaking my head at the fate I was handed. Needless to say, I hold no malice towards either of them - they’re both precious to me, as much as I dislike admitting it.

      I believe I have shared more than what was required, and I shall burn this piece of paper lest anyone finds it. One might call it wishful thinking on my part, but I do pray that watching the last signs of anything I harbour towards the one who wasn’t meant to be mine from the start burn as the embers of the fire consume it whole makes me put a lid on my feelings once and for all, for they were never supposed matter. They weren’t supposed to exist to begin with.

      After all, only a prince deserves a fairy-tale with a happy ending, and I am no prince.

Lucifer.

[foilfreak]

BEAUTY AND HER BEAST: Chapter 8

WARNING PLZ READ BEFORE CONTINUING: This fic is rated NSFW and contains graphic depictions of things some people may find disturbing or alarming, including, but not limited to: violence, gore, unhealthy family relationships, Oedipus complexes, gratuitous amount of pornographic literature, ableist language, physical, mental, and emotional abuse, etc. If you are someone who does not enjoy fiction with these elements in them, then I suggest you refrain from reading this, because this fic will have all that, and probably a lot more. So, this is your first and final warning to turn around and go somewhere else if stuff like this just isn't your vibe, because from this point forward, your emotional wellbeing is in your own hands, and I will not be accepting blame if you disregarded my warnings and ended up reading something you didn't like. Idk why I feel compelled to write one of these despite this being Resident Evil fanfic, but I figured I'd cover my ass just in case.

(AO3 Link Below:)

Several days had passed since Salvatore had sought out both his younger sisters, requesting items like jewelry or clothing they’d be willing to part with that Salvatore could gift to Nadine, as a sort of soft and informal introduction to ease the young woman’s mind and prove he meant her no harm.

The plan seems to be going rather well, as far as Salvatore can tell. Nadine found the gifts he’d laid out for her rather easily, and even correctly wondered if the person who lived here had left them for her purposefully. She seemed wary of the items for a time, though she seemed pretty wary of everything in the reservoir at the moment, but eventually she deemed them safe enough to accept, throwing the long white nightgown Salvatore had procured from Donna over her petit azure frame, and strapping the delicate golden locket Alcina had graciously donated around her neck.

Salvatore practically drooled when he first saw Nadine, slightly sheer satin nightgown flowing elegantly in the gentle afternoon breeze and golden chain glittering beautifully against her white speckled, ocean blue skin. She looked like a goddess, a true figure of pure ethereal power and beauty. Even the biting cold of winter wasn’t enough to touch the young woman, shielded and protected by her own glowing radiance.

Despite looking every bit like an other-worldly deity worthy of unending human devotion and worship, Nadine’s face held nothing but fear, anxiety, and loneliness as she aimlessly wandered the seemingly empty docks and windmills surrounding the reservior’s watery interior. An occasional dejected “hello?” still echoes out throughout the reservoir every few hours, growing less and less hopeful with each passing round of silence Salvatore spends hiding away from view.

The disfigured man’s heart twists and stabs in pain every time he cowers away from Nadine’s soft, anxious calls, desperately wanting to comfort the young woman in her moment of confusion and fear, but still so terrified of her inevitable reaction to his appearance that he finds himself unable to do anything but skitter shamefully to his room beneath the surface and try to drown her out with one of his old romance films.

How pitiful.

Salvatore spends much of his time lamenting and pitying himself over his soul crushing loneliness and his intense desire for a love of his own, and yet here he is, taking refuge in an old romance film while he hides himself away from the real woman he could be making his own romance film with, were he not a massive coward and a horrific freak of nature unworthy of anyone’s love and affection, of course. What a cruel irony it is, to have the one thing you want, more than anything else in the world, dangled just inches in front of your face, and yet knowing, before you’ve even tried, that it’ll never be yours.

Salvatore knows that no matter how much of a romance story this whole situation might seem like, Nadine will never be able to love him in the way the gorgeous women in the movies love their tall, dashing, dark-haired lover men. Not only was Salvatore the exact opposite of tall and dashing by literally everyone’s standards, but his patches of dry, greasy dark-hair did little to salvage the violent wreckage that was Salvatore’s whole appearance.

There was absolutely no way Nadine would ever be able to love someone as hideous as Salvatore, so perhaps the best thing to do would be to contact Miranda and inform her that, while he greatly enjoyed his gift, Salvatore didn’t feel he would be able to appreciate her in the way she deserved to be appreciated in all her beauty and wonder, and that perhaps it would be better for Mother Miranda to find better arrangements for her elsewhere.

“I-it’s for the b-best… i-i think… a-after all… Nadine… d-doesn’t want t-to live i-in a d-dingy place… l-like this for… for the r-rest of h-her… l-life… m-much less with… w-with someone l-like me… s-she’d hate th-that… im c-certain” Salvatore laments aloud, dipping his head downward as tears of painful realization and sorrowful acceptance pour down his face like waterfalls of lonely depression, already fully set on contacting Mother Miranda as soon as morning came.

“While it's very kind of you to keep my best interest in mind, I do think I am more than capable of making my own decisions regarding what’s the best place for me, thank you very much” a soft voice responded suddenly, causing Salvatore’s head to whip in the direction the sound was coming from in startled shock. “This place is a little rundown, sure, but the windmills still stand tall and the water is always just the right temperature, so I don’t think this would be the worst place to live, if I had to… so long as I wasn’t alone, at least.”

Even in the dimly lit area located at the end of the hallway, Nadine still looked so gorgeously stunning and elegant. It was incredible how she managed to sound so casual and yet look so ethereal.

In the brief moment before his panic set in, Salvatore couldn’t help but pause and marvel at the spot down the hall where the young woman stood, her gaze locked directly onto him and yet she showed no signs of having seen him. She even went as far as to begin moving about behind the large boards that blocked her from entering the room, clearly trying to get a better look at the room and, more importantly, the person she suspects is in it.

After a surprisingly large jump that launched Nadine all the way up to the ceiling, just narrowly avoiding hitting her head, Salvatore’s eyes grew wide and his mouth hung open in stupefied shock as the sight of Nadine, moving the way she was at the end of the hallway, brought to Salvatore’s mind a scene from one of his favorite romance films. In the particular scene Salvatore is thinking of, the actress’ character is an aspiring prima ballerina, and she’s having a brief moment of bonding with her fellow ballerina’s after a long, but successful performance. Dressed in a nightgown not too unlike the one Nadine is currently wearing, the ballerina is showing the others how to do other kinds of dance, like polka or Irish step dancing, but by the end of the scene the group of ballerinas are all merely jumping about the room excitedly, laughing and cheering while carelessly throwing themselves into the air, only to land gracefully back on their feet.

While not exactly the same obviously, the resemblance between Nadine and the absolutely stunning ballerina in the movie, in both silhouette and style of movement, was almost uncanny.

Stretched out as high as her short legs would allow, strong and gorgeously defined muscles flexed almost instinctually with every rapid twist, curl, bend, and jump of the young woman’s tiny body. Her lucious silhouette was only aided by the feminine aura of the long, sheer nightgown as it trailed after her with every movement. The delicate satin material caresses the sharp ridges of her muscular back and shoulders with the same tenderness and love as it does the weight of her breasts or the pillowy layer of protection atop her midsection. The lower half of the nightgown, cinched just below the breasts, twisted and jerked in whatever direction was necessary to keep up with the speed at which Nadine was fluttering and jumping about upon the tips of her toes. Her legs were hidden by the ferocious speed of her movements, but Salvatore did not need to see her legs to have some idea of what they were, or perhaps merely could be, capable of.

Whether or not Nadine was actually a ballerina herself, or if Salvatore’s delusions were merely that realistic now, the young woman appeared to move with nothing but effortless grace that hides the raw power and physical strength it takes to float as carelessly and as quickly as the young woman was, clearly growing more and more frustrated the longer her search failed to reveal what she was looking for.

Still paralyzed by the sudden presence of Nadine in his personal space, Salvatore could do nothing but hold his breath and hope that the light at the end of the hall didn’t reach far enough to reveal his presence in the room. The TV was still on, but the movie playing on it had finished running long ago, meaning the only thing being displayed now was a static filled screen that proved someone had been here at some point in time, but thankfully wasn’t a dead giveaway from the start.

“Helloooooooo… I heard someone talking on my way in, so I know that someone is down here. Please… just come out, ok… I won’t hurt you… honestly” the raven haired woman begs softly, her movements slowing a bit to allow more of her air to be used for speaking rather than jumping to look over beams over and over again.

Salvatore’s heart ached at Nadine’s desperate tone, knowing all too well what the mutant woman is going through right now, but trying his best to remain strong, since giving in means dooming this perfect young specimen to a life of bitter misery and unending terror, regardless of the best effort he’d try to put in. Whatever short term gain Nadine could get from being with him would only come back to bleed her dry once Salvatore was sufficiently attached, and therefore unable to allow her to leave once she inevitably decides that she’s had enough of pretending to love a disgusting freak of nature.

Salvatore had never been very good at accurately predicting the outcomes of situations, but he knew for certain that Nadine was in no way deserving of the hellish punishment that living in the reservoir with him would undoubtedly become, if it didn’t start out that way from the beginning, that is. Perhaps the young woman could convince herself to accept her situation and play into his affections as a means of survival for a short time, but based on what he’s heard of Nadine thus far, Salvatore doubts such a strongwilled and dangerous woman would allow herself to play wife and sex slave to anyone for very long. If she didn’t somehow successfully murder him in his sleep within the first 48 hours of her “slavery”, it would only be a matter of time before she finally ran out of patience and unleashed... whatever the hell it was she did back in the labs, upon him.

For a brief moment, Salvatore entertains the question of whether Nadine could potentially be strong enough to take him out with a single hit, as well as whether that thought should be something he finds arousing or not. His thoughts are quickly interrupted however, by the sound of shuffling and grunting, and upon turning his head toward the sudden racket, Salvatore is horrified to see Nadine, just small enough to fit her tiny body between the thin cracks of the boarded up wall, attempting to climb through the barrier, and enter the TV room.

Body shaking and voice beginning to tremble slightly, alongside his already labored breathing, Salvatore unsteadily backed his way further into the room, putting his hands out in front of him as if to try and stop Nadine from entering, though he makes no move to physically eject the invading woman himself, oddly enough.

“N-nooo… p-please… don’t come i-in...” Salvatore stutters helplessly, shrinking further in on himself in fear as the young woman effortlessly slips through the wooden boards like a slippery eel, quickly and easily landing on her feet before turning back to the mostly darkened room.

“H-Hello?” Nadine calls out again nervously, taking a tentative step forward, both hands extended outward beside her until her left hand made contact with the wall. Gaining some purchase on the vertical slabs of wood, Nadine slowly turns her head to look about the room, carefully inspecting everything from atop the surface of Salvatore’s messy desk, to the very dark corner in the back right of the room that Salvatore himself was currently shoved as far into as physically possible.

Nadine stuck her arm out in front of her and began slowly walking toward the opposite wall, eyes open, but unfocused, and right hand waving aimlessly in the air for a brief moment, as though trying to feel around for the other wall despite it clearly being right in front of her. The hooded man had no idea how she hadn’t seen him yet, he could practically feel how absolutely ridiculous he looked, his bony, weathered, turtle-esque body hunched as low to the ground as possible with his chin tucked between his knees and hands covering the rest of his face, leaving only the smallest bit of space through which he could observe Nadine’s inevitable reaction to him. And yet, despite the amount of time the young woman spent glancing over Salvatore, back and forth across the room, her bright golden eyes resembling that of a ravenous alligator in their intensity and ferociousness, no scream left her plush lips nor did fear and horror suddenly mar her supple face. In fact, not only had the mutant woman not seen him yet, but it was in that exact moment that the reason why Nadine couldn’t see Salvatore, obviously shoved into the corner, just to her bottom left, became immediately clear to him.

“Y-You’re blind...”

[shooter-nobunagun]

Quarantine UST 7

//About to reach the climax (hah)...Apologies for the delay (gasp) but I took some time off and then when I came back work piled up so...this chapter took longer. Also, it went very differently than what I’d originally planned, so...I’m not sure if I’m 100% satisfied with the direction, but when the muses want something, there’s not much I can do about that. I think it turned out all right, I hope it feels natural and not too...’perfect fantasy’ scenario.

Warning, some mature content this chapter (masturbation) but not super explicit.

She stared at the text on her screen, debating if she really wanted to send the message, or simply relegate it to her ‘unsent drafts’; where it would join the hundreds of other ramblings that never made it to Asao.

[Sio]: I’m screwed; I seriously think I’ve got more than just a ‘crush’ on Adam...like, I literally spend all my time obsessing over whether or not he LIKE likes me ??? and even if he does, what if we get in trouble? >__<||||

“Ugh...mendoukusai...why do I always make things more complicated than they need to be...” Sighing, the sniper looked mournfully at the message, wondering if it was a good idea to spill the beans. Even though Asao was her best friend and had been a godsend this entire time, somehow just declaring it—even in text form—seemed to cement it somehow, instead of remaining this nebulous fantasy that she could always dismiss if things got too tricky.

For sure though, as the third week passed through, Sio noticed a definite change in Adam’s attitude towards her. He rarely made sarcastic or snide remarks anymore, and even his quips about her inexperience felt more like gentle teasing instead. No, there was something there, for sure...the real question now was whether it was a cozy, platonic friendship, or the stirrings of something deeper and more passionate. Shaking her head, she took one last look at the message, then hit ‘send’ before she could change her mind. She half-hoped Asao wouldn’t see it until the next day; if she responded now, Sio wasn’t sure she could sleep without another all-night rant session.

In the meantime, if she needed a way to wind down and get sleepy... Sio glanced at the phone one more time, before turning off the lights and pulling the covers up. With a practiced hand she casually slipped off her panties, preferring to touch herself directly. If she was feeling particularly horny and wanted to spend a little extra time stretching it out, then she kept them on, teasing herself through the fabric until she couldn’t stand it anymore and then plunged her fingers straight into her core. This time though, it was more a nightly habit than anything else; a little ‘me time’ and a good way to relax before bed.

She sighed as her fingers slipped through her curls, reaching that warm, secret spot. It usually took a bit of friction to coax her sensitive little pearl out from its hiding place, but that could definitely be helped along by just thinking about a certain tall, white-haired e-gene holder. “Mmn...A-Adam...I bet, your hands would feel pretty good, t, touching me down there...” Just the other day he’d put his hand over hers while helping her lift correctly, and the difference in size, along with those calloused, but gentle fingers, did not go unnoticed. Her own slim digits rubbed the outer hood, Sio shivering as she felt her folds getting moist from the stimulation.

‘Seriously, I don’t know how much longer I can keep it a secret...’ There was only about another week left on their quarantine, and Sio was simultaneously excited and depressed about it. On one hand, she couldn’t wait to return to some semblance of normalcy, but on the other, what if they went back to acting as if this time never happened? Boring as it was (save for a minor skirmish that did occur, and where Adam actually admitted her aim had vastly improved), a part of her was genuinely sad that there might never be another time where they would all be like this: acting like close friends and maybe even a family.

But most of all, what if these feelings she was developing for Adam never went anywhere? Or what if they faded, after things went back to normal? The twinge in her heart hit harder than expected, and her arousal dropped a little, to Sio’s frustration. ‘Ugh, just stop overthinking things, Sio...now’s not the time for it, anyway.’

She focused on her fingers instead, on the physical sensations this time rather than her mental fantasies. It was surprising how quickly she’d become familiar with her own body, and where it felt good for her. Her breasts, for instance, weren’t as sensitive, but it was still nice to massage them gently, and when she got really horny her nipples were nice to tweak with. Given that she was masturbating on a near-daily basis (and sometimes more than once a day), it was easy to experiment with different areas and techniques. After a while, she’d even worked up the courage to stick a finger inside, which wasn’t nearly as difficult or even painful, unlike most of the gossip she heard. It just felt a little weird, except the few times her fingers managed to brush a particular spot—though it hadn’t happened very often. Mostly she just like rubbing her clit, and it usually only took her a couple minutes to reach a satisfying climax.

“Nng...” Sio bit her lips; for some reason it seemed like she wasn’t really in the mood today. It was taking her longer than usual to reach an orgasm, and despite her fingers it felt like she was stuck at the plateau phase. ‘Maybe I should just call it quits and go to sleep...but argh, I’m already more than halfway there...’ She couldn’t decide which was worse: working towards a half-hearted orgasm, or trying to sleep while still tense and aroused. Taking a break she laid on the cool sheets, running a hand up and down her thigh, enjoying how smooth and soft the skin felt. 

Funny how she couldn’t really remember when or what cause her feelings for Adam to change. Since the beginning, they’d always had this weird, almost love/hate thing going on, possibly since their first encounter in Taiwan. Sio knew she respected his skills on the battlefield, though his manners towards her could’ve used a lot of work. Even then, even back when he was all sorts of abrasive and prickly at her, she still couldn’t outright hate him. Be annoyed and upset, sure, but there was always a part of her that wished she could know him better, to find out what kind of a person he really was.

‘Adam...’ Just thinking about him, whether it was his physique or his interactions with her, filled her heart with a sense of longing. What kind of person was he like before DOGOO? Who were his friends? Was his ‘tsundere’ attitude just a facade to protect his true self? She wished she could just work up the courage and confess her feelings, consequences be damned, but she knew it’d probably never happen in a million years. But oh, how strong those feelings were, sometimes...to know him beyond his e-gene and touch his true soul... Slowly, her finger gently prodded her insides, Sio imagining what it would be like if he held her tight in those strong arms; whispering sweet nothings into her ear while brushing her hair soothingly, telling her how much he cared about her and admired her, how cute she was...

“Hnn...! Oh!” To her surprise her body started jerking, Sio so caught up in her romantic fantasies that she didn’t notice her orgasm until it literally shook her out of her reverie. “Hah, hah...A-Adam...I wish, I wish we were real...” Suddenly reality came back, and the sniper remembered where she was: in her own room in a borrowed house, in the middle of a foreign city, waiting out a quarantine with her teammates in the hopes that they wouldn’t get infected and die. Panting, she pulled her sticky fingers out, wiping them down before putting her panties back on again. Now that the euphoria was fading, she felt an almost crushing sense of defeat. 

‘Hah, who am I kidding; there’s no way I can ever tell him...I just can’t! Not to mention, what if he...really doesn’t feel the same way? I don’t wanna make him feel awkward, not when we’ve finally established some kind of friendship...’ Yet the thought of taking this secret to the grave made her heart feel even heavier, and despite being physically exhausted, Sio sensed the beginnings of insomnia—and groaned.

Suddenly her phone lit up. She must’ve forgotten to silence it—but the sniper immediately snatched it up, scanned Asao’s reply, and hit ‘call’ without even bothering to text first.

“Moshi moshi? Sio-chan? Is everything alright?”

“Asao-san! I’m sorry for calling you so suddenly, but...I really need to talk to you!” Sio half-wailed into the phone, trying to keep her voice down.

“Oh my, of course Sio-chan. But calm down first, what’s going on? Aren’t you supposed to be asleep now?”

“Well, I was...but I just can’t fall asleep.” She heaved a sigh. “It’s about...Adam. And well, you probably already saw my text, but...” her friend hummed in understanding on the other end, “and well, you know! I just don’t know...what to do about this!”

“I see...” Her friend replied seriously, Sio so worked up she was on the verge of tears at this point. “How do you know it’s forbidden? Do you know for sure that fraternization among DOGOO members is illegal?”

“W-Well, no...I mean, I don’t know for sure...if it is, then I haven’t heard of it,” Sio admitted, “b-but even then, like, what if...what if he, doesn’t like me back...!”

“Okay, let’s take this one at a time,” said Asao gently, trying to get Sio to calm down. “Let’s not worry about whether or not it’s against the rules or whatever— I’m pretty sure even if it is, it wouldn’t stop your feelings.” Sio grunted in response. “As for whether or not Adam feels the same...I mean, what do you think? What’s your instinct tell you? I’m not there, so I can’t say anything aside from what I’ve heard from you—but it doesn’t seem like it’s completely impossible, right?”

“I...well, I mean...” Her instincts, huh? More than once the others had pointed out how Sio sometimes just seemed to know things, yet be unable to explain how she knew afterwards—except that it just came to her, like an instinctive pull. “I...feel like he’s aware that there’s something more than just, friendly camaraderie between us...I-I mean for sure, I’ve noticed he’s changed how he acts towards me and speaks to me...s, so, that’s a positive sign, I guess...”

“Mm hmm, that’s good.” Asao encouraged from the other end. “So he’s definitely not avoiding you or anything.”

Sio shook her head. “No, if anything we’ve actually been spending a lot of time together, lately...heh, who would’ve guessed,” she gave a small laugh. “But, I guess it’s just...I just can’t be sure, right? Who knows if he likes me like, that, or what if it turns out he’s just a really nice guy, underneath all that Jack the Ripper e-gene crap?”

“...Well, that wouldn’t be so bad, would it? At least you know he’s a decent guy then,” offered Asao, but that didn’t seem to console the sniper much, if at all.

“I know, but that’s not what I want!” She lamented, even though she knew how lame it sounded. “I know I know, at least he is a good person, and for sure, I am really glad that he’s not the asshole I thought he was. Trust me, if all we did end up becoming was just good friends, then I guess I’ll accept it, but...” Sio sighed heavily, scrunching up on the sheets.

“...I really like him. Like, I...want to be with him, for real,” she whispered, surprised at the sudden wave of emotions it triggered in her. “I-I mean, maybe it’s too early to say this, but...i-is this, what it means to...fall in love?”

“Ah...Sio-chan...” Even Asao seemed to be at a loss for words, Sio clutching the pillow to her chest as she tried to get rid of this heavy ache. “...If you have such strong feelings for him, then, I think there’s really only one thing to do.”

“What?”

“You should tell him,” was Asao’s response, Sio having frozen at the blunt suggestion. “I’m serious, Sio-chan. I know you, and the longer you keep holding it in, the worse you’ll feel.”

“B-But, but...what if he—argh—doesn’t...like me back?!” The poor girl nearly sobbed into the phone, still caught up in her emotions. “I just don’t know if I could handle that kind of rejection...”

“Now Sio-chan, you’re stronger than that,” her friend’s voice took on a stern tone. “Even if he rejects you, so what? Life goes on; trust me, if that happens it won’t be the end of the world. You’ll encounter a lot more challenges later on, after this. You can’t let this one thing dictate the rest of your life.”

Sio sniffed and wiped her tears, knowing Asao was right. “...I, I know... You’re right, Asao-san...I-I mean, I’m already half-resigned to just remaining friends anyway, so...” She took a deep breath to calm her nerves. “...You’re right. The worst part about this is just not knowing the truth. If he really isn’t interested in me, then fine; at least I can say I tried, and hopefully we’ll still be friends.”

“Sasuga, Shio-chan. I know you can do it.” Sio smiled at her friend’s encouragement. “Now you should be getting some rest. Tomorrow’ll look a lot better through fresh eyes.”

“Hai...oyasumi, Asao-san.”

“Oyasumi nasai, Shio-chan.” --------- “Mornin’ Ogura. You sleep alright?” Adam greeted the girl as she came down the stairs, a huge yawn tearing from her mouth. 

“Hnn...ohayou, Adam-san...” She rubbed her eyes, Asao’s words from last night still turning themselves over in her mind. Tell him... hah, as if she could just blurt it out. If only she could plan it out beforehand, but no; experience told her that whenever it involved her and Adam, nothing ever went according to plan.

“Sunny-side up eggs alright with you?” The sniper nodded in thanks, before wandering over to the cupboards to fix herself some tea. “...Everything alright?”

“H-Huh? Wh, what do you mean...” She nearly dropped the cup, but caught it just in time. “I’m just, tired...stayed up too late talking to Asao-san again...” Adam’s perception was incredibly sharp; she’d have to watch herself to make sure she didn’t give anything away.

“...I see. How’s she doing, by the way?”

“Eh. Same as usual...from the sound of it, Japan’s doing okay, except they’re not in school right now so she says it’s kind of boring staying inside all day.” Before she knew it, she had somehow automatically made two cups of tea, even though Adam usually drank coffee in the morning. “Oh, ah...I forgot, you usually drink coffee, don’t you, Adam-san?”

He glanced over at the mugs just as the eggs finished and he slid them onto a plate, alongside the bacon, toast, and other trimmings. “Sure, but I don’t mind tea, either. Remember, I’m British,” he winked at her, “and we take tea very seriously.”

Sio found herself blushing at that playful wink, and before she knew it her lips curled into a small smile. Every time he did one of those little quirks towards her, she felt herself growing warm. As they ate their breakfast in a now-comfortable silence, she thought back to what she’d told Asao last night. About how she was resigned to just remaining friends, and accepting it, if he didn’t feel the same...

‘...But is that really true? Could I really be satisfied with just staying friends?’ That was what she’d claimed, but thinking on it now, and especially with the two of them like this already... Biting her fork, Sio was beginning to think she wouldn’t be able to settle for anything less than going all in. If she was rejected, then fine--that would be something out of her control, but to not even try...

“Say. You got any plans today?” She looked up with a start at Adam’s question. Why would he be asking her this now... Pretending everything was fine (when it was definitely not), she gave a casual shrug.

“Not really. I-I mean, aside from the usual stuff...was probably just gonna try and finish my FF7 file, since we’ve only got like, a week left...”

He nodded. “Yeh; seems like time was slow and fast all at the same time, didn’t it?”

“Heh, yeah it did; oh man, I remember when we first got here, and I was complaining about how I was gonna survive a month with everyone...but, now that we’re almost at the end, I’m actually gonna miss it...” She gave a melancholy smile, stirring the leftover bits of eggs.

“Well, I was thinking of just going for a drive along the shoreline. Maybe get out and walk along the beach...” For a few seconds there was only the sound of forks scraping the plates, as Sio’s heart started to pound in nervous anticipation, while Adam turned away so she couldn’t see his blush.

“...Is it, just...you?”

“...Well, that depends; you wanna come with?”

Their eyes met for a second, and Sio was sure she was probably redder than a tomato—but the strange thing was, Adam was also oddly pink, with an expression she’d never seen before. Later on, she would realize it was a sign that he’d been just as nervous as her, but in the heat of the moment, all she could think of was how to not make a fool of herself.

“U-Uh, I—I um, I...I’d like that,” she heard herself saying, though the voice seemed to come from somewhere outside her body. “If it’s...okay...”

“Of course; it’s definitely more than ‘okay’.” He got up to clear their plates, Sio grateful he couldn’t see her smile. 

‘He’s actually taking me somewhere...just the two of us...! Wait, is this like a...date?!’ Her excitement was suddenly replaced with a bolt of fear, as Sio’s mind finally realized the possible implications of this. ‘Oh no, what do I do...! Maybe I should change—but into what? It’s not like I packed anything nice since all we’d be doing was lounging, not going out—’

Luckily she was saved from indecision by Adam announcing that he’d already written a note for the other two, and it would be easier if they left now before they woke up. They packed some water and of course, the usual masks and hand sanitizer; then Adam was easing them out of the driveway and onto the hilly streets, Sio finally sitting shotgun for once.

The car was awkwardly silent, Sio wrestling internally with wanting to start a conversation but not knowing what to talk about. In the end, she simply turned on the radio, and the two listened to whatever the latest hits were as the car wound its way out to the coast. At least the breeze was nice, Sio enjoying the fresh air while she subtly watched Adam shifting the gears; somehow, just watching his fluid actions, and trying to understand how everything worked, was quite interesting.

“Huh...so you have to shift in order...” she muttered to herself, unaware of actually speaking it out loud.

“Eh? You interested in drivin’, squirt?”

‘Ah! I did it again...speaking my thoughts...!’ The sniper tried not to panic, instead pointedly looking out the window.

“N, No, it’s just...I’m curious as to how you, uh, drive. Y’know, with the gears and all.”

Adam shrugged, navigating with one hand as they drove along the highway. “Mm, you learn it with practice, like everything else. Why, you want a driving lesson before this is all over?” He teased, shooting the girl a small grin. “Personally I’d recommend starting with an automatic, if you’ve never driven before...”

“No no, it’s fine; I highly doubt I’d need to right now, anyway...” Sio commented dryly. “...By the way, is it true? What Jess-san said...”

“About what?”

“That, you...also owned a motorcycle.”

So. She remembered. “...Yeh, it’s true. I do have a bike; it’s not here right now, though DOGOO has offered to ship it to one of their bases...” The sniper’s maroons grew wide at this piece of news, and inwardly Adam cursed at not having the foresight to having it shipped over. ‘Perhaps we could’ve gone for a ride on that instead...’

“Whoa...that’s so cool...” Sio mumbled, cheeks flushing. “Man, you’re like, perfect...you can do so many things, like—how do you even know all this stuff? And be good at them?”

To her surprise Adam started laughing. “Oh ho, perfect now, am I? That is definitely not the case...and if I really were perfect, then how come I still have trouble with speaking my mind or not being an arse?” He eyed her with a glance and the sniper’s cheeks turned pink, to his pleasure. “Besides, I’m pretty sure that was not your impression of me when we first met.”

“W, Well, still...I just feel so...I dunno, useless next to you—and everyone else, for that matter, sometimes...”

Adam didn’t respond, instead pulling the car into a space as they finally made it to their destination. Sio wasn’t sure if he was exasperated at her whining, or something else.

“C’mon Ogura, let’s go for a walk, yeh? Think that’ll clear your head a bit.”

“Ah...” She put her mask and silently followed him, right along the waves crashing against the rocks. The day had been cloudy for a change, and Sio shivered slightly, even with a jacket. It seemed San Francisco’s weather changed as often as her moods; sunny one day, and chilly with fog the next, sometimes in the same day. 

“Brr...it sure is cold here,” she rubbed her arms, the wind piercing through her thin sweater. “Isn’t it supposed to almost be summer?”

“Hmm, reminds me a lot of home, actually. Well, granted it’s not nearly as cool, but, the overcast fog...” Before she could say anything else, Adam was shedding his jacket and gently laying it across her shoulders. “Here, this better?”

“Ah, uh...th-thanks...” There wasn’t much she could say, without revealing her true feelings—instead Sio simply nodded, hugging herself as she slipped her arms through, the fabric still warm from his heat. ‘Mmm...of course it smells like him...it’s comforting, somehow...’

“Don’t worry about me, squirt,” Adam answered before she could even ask. “The cold doesn’t bother me much; in fact, I find it rather refreshing.”

“O-Oh...w, well, if you say so...” She didn’t even need a mirror to know her cheeks were pink at this point—in fact her entire head felt like it was on fire as they walked in silence along the trail, despite the sea breeze. In an effort to distract herself, Sio took in the sights: the grey-tinged clouds, waves that broke along the rocks, and the occasional seagull brave enough to dive into the water. The air smelled briny and cold, similar to Tokyo Bay—but again different. It was mesmerizing to stare out at the waves, how they grew, then crashed, receded and then it started all over again. A few joggers and bikers were out, but it seemed most folks chose to stay indoors when the weather turned.

They hiked to an outlook with a few benches, Sio taking a water break as Adam leaned over the railing, taking in the view himself. She desperately wanted to break the silence, but at the same time, she didn’t know what to say. Even if Adam had other reasons for asking her to come with, somehow, it felt wrong to force the question.

“You doin’ alright, Ogura?” Adam turned around, nodding at her newly-acquired jacket. “Let me know if you’d rather head back. Wouldn’t want you t’ get sick.”

“I’m okay, thanks to you...” She hugged herself again, as if to remind herself this was real. “U-Um, A-Adam...” he turned around slightly, and Sio felt her heart rate speed up, but she couldn’t stop now. “Th, this place...um, s-so...why did you ask me to...come with you...”

“...Hn. That is a good question.” He wasn’t looking at her directly, but she knew he was paying close attention. “I can’t say I really know why, myself...just, I thought you might like some fresh air, for a change.” He shrugged casually, and Sio felt her heart drop a bit, even though a part of her was also relieved.

“And, well...truthfully it’s because, I guess I’ve come to enjoy spending time with you, is all.”

The sniper froze again, at that comment. ‘No way...it can’t be, is he really serious...is he, really saying what I think he is...!’ She wasn’t even sure what to respond, how to respond—to anybody else perhaps, it would’ve been plain as day that Adam was admitting he liked her, and yet, her insecurities wouldn’t let her believe it.

“A-Ah, y-yeah...um, I, I do...like being out of the house, once in a while...” She was stuttering and trembling, all limbs going numb because there was just no way this could be real, it couldn’t be what she’d really wanted, all along...

“Well, that’s...good to know.” He was coming over now, hands tucked inside his pockets as he sat down next to her. “By the way, I apologise for being blunt, but...I hope I’m not botherin’ you, dragging you out like this. It’s just...well, you often seem so glum about your inexperience and such, I...wanted to see if I could take your mind off that. Y’know, you’re doing quite well, for a rookie. ”

“Eh? N, no, not at all...” Sio wasn’t quite sure what to make of his words; of how he wanted to try and cheer her up, and to know she wasn’t doing as poorly as she constantly thought... “I’m, glad to hear that...b-but, if I’m doing so well, then how come you’re still teasing me about messing stuff up? And don’t even get me started on before...you used to yell at me all the time, or complain about this or that...”

To her surprise he began to laugh slightly, Sio feeling her cheeks burning in a mix of indignation and embarrassment. “Heh, you aren’t wrong; I admit communication isn’t exactly one of my better skills...and here you were saying how I was perfect,” he turned towards her at last, a small smile on his face. “But spending time with you, like this...has changed my mind.”

“Um...” Her voice quivered before she knew it, Adam quirking a brow at her sudden nervousness. “U-Um, I, y, you...” There was no way she could weasel out of this one, now. They were literally sitting next to each other, Adam had all but confirmed that he liked her and didn’t think she was a mere ‘half-baked squirt’; so why was she still trying to deny it?

“Y, You...probably shouldn’t say things like that,” she uttered quietly, picking at the sleeves of her borrowed jacket. “You don’t have to baby me, you know...I can handle the truth...”

Now it was Adam’s turn to look astonished. “...Beg pardon? You think I’m just buttering you up for something?” There was slight cough, as if he couldn’t quite grasp her logic. “I meant what I said, Ogura. I wasn’t joking around or talking shit just to make you feel better,” she winced slightly at his words. “If there is one thing I wish you would improve, it’s your confidence. And I’ll admit, I haven’t been conducive to that, especially in the beginning...but surely you don’t have that low of an opinion of yourself? After all you’ve accomplished in such a short time?”

“B, But, I...it can’t...” The sniper shook her head, frustrated because she knew Adam was right. Even before DOGOO, speaking up for herself and having self-confidence was always hard for her. Even if it caused her loneliness, it was easier than stepping out of her comfort zone, dealing with those awkward looks and moments where people never seemed to know what to do with her. “I...how, how can someone like you see that in me?”

“...What exactly do you mean by that?” His gaze was piercing, but not cruel. “What do you mean, ‘someone like me’?”

“Y-You, you’re...you’re the leader of the Second Platoon, you can do pretty much anything you want—cooking, cleaning, killing EIOs without breaking a sweat, driving, riding a bike, video games, keeping us on track...” She was rambling now, she knew, but Sio couldn’t stop. “How can I...possibly be good enough?”

“‘Good enough?’ For what? To be a part of this platoon?” She didn’t need to see his face to know Adam was upset. “That’s certainly not the case—you really think you’d still be here if you weren’t good enough—”

“—I know that! That’s...not what I’m talking about...” How was it that someone who was so smart could also be so dense? Did she really have to spell it out for him...!

“Then what are you talking about?” Adam sighed, starting to become irritated with her half-answers and nonsensical words. “Can you not just say it straight, Ogura, for once?

“—How can a hanninmae like me possibly be good enough for you?!” She burst out at last, not even thinking about anything else other than what she had to say, at the moment. She felt the man next to her instantly stiffen at her words, the sniper herself too emotional to look. 

There was a seemingly endless stretch of silence after that, Sio squirming with embarrassment but knew she couldn’t turn away, not after all those words. It seemed like forever before the man next to her moved, Sio staying frozen in her spot.

“...Y’know, you really are something else, Ogura Sio.” She didn’t dare look at him in the face, not yet. “It’s funny that you say that...feeling that you’re not good enough for me...when I’ve...been wonderin’ the same about myself.”

“Eh...?” In one moment she forgot she was supposed to be avoiding his eyes and turned around, only to be met with a strangely bashful and...nervous Adam? “What, you...about me?”

Huh? Huuuh? The sniper’s mind flew into a frenzy, suddenly overwhelmed by the revelations—namely that Adam actually ‘like’ liked her, and he was insecure about himself? “A-Ano...wha, but you, I...”

“Need me to spell it out for you, squirt? Alright then, I’ll just say it straight: I like you, Ogura; a lot. And it’s not just friendship. You’re no fool, you know what I’m talking about. But I don’t want to force you into something if you don’t feel the same way. Least of all if you’re uncomfortable with the fact that we’ll be continuing to work together after all this.”

He was right. Technically, as members of DOGOO they still had a duty to work together, professionally. Rules aside, she knew that if they committed to a relationship with each other, it could potentially make things very messy. And yet...

“...I, I...don’t care about that. I-I mean, yes, I know it’s probably not the smartest or most logical idea, but...” She finally glanced up, trying not to let her tears fall. “I can’t change my feelings...heh, I think even if there were some kind of rule in place...it wouldn’t change my heart. ‘Cause I, I...really like you, Adam...a lot...”

“...Well, let’s be real, since when were either of us good about following the rules, anyway?” With that one statement, the tension seemed to crack, and Sio couldn’t help but burst into giggles, Adam following suit as the two just laughed.

“You’re pretty when you smile, you know that?” 

“Ah—I, uh, mmm...” She blushed as Adam wiped her tears with a tissue. “Y, You should smile more, too...you’re much less scary when you do...”

Adam quirked a white eyebrow.  “Oh? You found me to be intimidating? Well, I guess that’s another thing I’ll have to work on, huh?” 

“We should both work on it. How to smile better.” The sniper screwed her mouth into a smile-grimace, which only caused the white-haired holder to laugh harder. “H-Hey, I’m trying...!” But she couldn’t help but laugh, too.

It felt like forever since they’d come here for their original purpose of hiking, but as Sio checked her watch, in reality it’d only been about half an hour. And yet everything before that point was now completely different; her feelings, perspective, and most of all what she and Adam were to each other, now...

“U-Uh...Adam-san...? Does, does this mean...well, what are we, now? Does this mean we’re...going out? Like dating?” Her face still flushed as she stumbled over those words, unused to saying them out loud.

He smiled at her, before gently taking her hand for the first time, Sio squeaking in surprise as his fingers closed around hers. “Sure, I suppose...I mean, I don’t really know much myself...but if that’s what you want, then I’m fine with it. Which means...guess I’ll be your boyfriend, from now on. Or lover, partner...” Those fingers brushed against her palm and she shivered; at last she could feel him in an intimate manner, but when it actually happened suddenly she felt very shy, even though it was nothing close to what she fantasized about.

“Mmm...I, I want that. Th-then, I’m...your girl...friend, now,” she nodded to reassure herself, squeezing his hand tightly in return. “Though, I’m not sure I want to tell everybody about it, yet...you know, like Newton and Gandhi...I, I’m sure eventually I’ll be okay, but just, for now...”

Adam nodded, rubbing her shoulder in a reassuring manner. “Same; frankly, it’s none of their business, and knowing what gossips those two are...” He rolled his eyes. “I’m sure it’s bound to come up, sooner or later...but for now, let’s just have this be our little secret, yeh?”

Sio couldn’t help but smile as they walked back to the car. “Hai! Oh, and uh, one last thing...” Adam gave a quizzical look as they got in. “U-Um, it’s okay to call me...’Sio’ now. Just ‘Sio’.” 

Something warm bloomed inside her chest as she said that, more so when Adam’s cheeks turned pink (he was so cute when he blushed), before he nodded. “Of course...Sio. But that means, from now on...I’m just ‘Adam’, too.”

“Okay...Adam.”

[grimalkinmessor]

Mortem. Mortem listen, I am a bitch, I am cruel, it is my birthday and I have no motivation. 6, 8, 10, & 15 on Gellert PLEASE I need FUEL to write the fuckin bitches that are Sweenwald and Obcrurus!verse Grindelnewt (fucking mammoth that one, a dozen thousand words in and it ain't even half way). Help meh Mortem, my unholy demon liege lord, HALP

I understand completely, darling! Of course I'll oblige (though I'm sorry I couldn't answer earlier, I've been busy today. I get to rip out walls! :D)

6. Their vices (physical or emotional):

Gellert is touch starved, so he has a bit of a sex addiction. However, his sexual cravings depend on who he's with. If he's with someone he loves, he wants to lavish them with worshipful, gentle touches, but if it's just for his fix, he gets kind of violent. 'If there's not blood it's not sex' type thing. He also likes it when people sing/play for him. Music keeps his mind quiet and he'll often choose pretty entertainers from clubs that have nice voices and ask them to sing for him in their morning-afters. On a lighter note, he needs about four cups of coffee a day, and he insists on the good shit from Romania or else he won't drink it. If he doesn't drink it, though, he gets really pissed off at little things. Vinda makes sure the kitchen's stocked.

8. Bad memories/experiences:

Gellert grew up with an abusive father, who liked to focus his ire on Gellert because he was their mother's favorite and she'd died in an accident when Gellert was four. He was with her, and their father blames him for surviving where she didn't. Gellert took a lot of beatings from both his father and his older brothers, who got pissed at him for turning their dad into a monster, so he was constantly protecting the little ones too, but he actually began to resent them a little after a while. But he loved them, so he took the beatings and taught them how to duel correctly, way before they were ready. His youngest brother died of magical exhaustion in which he killed the oldest brother in a duel for his life. The second and third youngest caught Dragon Pox. Only the third one made it, but the second oldest brother raped and suffocated him in his sleep for revenge for the oldest's death. Gellert finally has enough and kills both his last remaining brother and his father. Then, because of all this, when the fight with Ariana happens and she dies, Gellert leaves immediately to go have a mental breakdown because he thinks he's just killed a child and that he's no better than his brothers. After that, however, he cuts himself off from emotion completely unless someone manages to wriggle under his skin.

10. Fears/phobias:

He's afraid of the dark, but it pisses him off that he's still afraid of it so he insists on shrouding himself in it. He also has an uneasiness around birds, because of the superstitions around vultures and magpies from his hometown that used to chase him whenever he went into the woods.

15. What it takes to make them cry:

Normally I would say that since he has shut himself off so completely from other people, that there isn't anything that could make him cry. Miserable? Yes. Furious? Also yes. But then I thought again and I realized--he would probably have to lose his own child before he would shed any tears. It would crush him to lose his child. The silent, unaware tears of someone whose heart and soul has just mutilated beyond repair; that would be him. He probably wouldn't even notice he was crying until someone pointed it out or he touched his own face.

[shhhselah]

Happily Ever After....

Saturday, December 15, 2018

2:32pm

Guess what?

I was crying.

Yep. Legit like seven minutes ago. 

A good ole snot cry too. And you know what else? I am mad I’m not still crying. 

I’m serious. I feel some type of way. Between the time I blew my nose and God told me to grab my computer, I started sobering up a little bit. And chiiilldd, by the time I actually got my computer on and it loaded and I got Tumblr up, I was dry as the Sahara. Tuh.

My mama used to call me a cry baby. (She probably still does to be honest). But I can truthfully admit that I love crying. Now, do I love pain inspired tears? Absolutely not. I hate pain, abhor it. Specifically emotional pain. It does something deeply disturbing to me. So yeah, no. Meh don’t like pain. (I have friends that are Jamaican/Caribbean and without their knowing, I’ve taken to their accents.)

However, I do love a releasing cry. A cry that comes from the depths of your soul and just pours out everything. I adore that feeling. And you know, the Word says that “God is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18  

Well, today, God caught all of my brokenheartedness (I didn’t realize that wasn’t a word until Google told me just now) and my crushed spirit.

Lemme lay it out for you simply, and that will give context to everything else: I am a lover and child of God, who hates that she needs Him.

Point. Blank. Period.

I simply do not want to need God. I don’t. I want to love and serve and testify of Him simply because He’s so loving, just, perfect, kind, awesome, poetic, wondrous and so many other adjectives that both do and don’t exist. But.....I don’t want to need Him. Do you know why? 

It comes from one major point that creates other little subcategories: a desire for autonomy. The thing is, in His original design before sin fell (see Genesis 2-3) we were meant to have autonomy, but were never meant to be all of God and separate/without need of Him. Look at Genesis 2, in verses 1-2 (look at Genesis 1 as well) it says that God created the heavens and the earth. Chapter 2 verse 5 says there was no man to work the ground- to farm it so that plants of all kinds could spring up. And at verse 7 it says that God formed man from the ground and breathed life into his nostrils. Finally, see verses 8-9, which tells us that God made a garden with all sorts of plants and trees for Adam to tend to (Ch. 2 v. 15) and eat from (Ch. 2 v. 9). 

Now stay with me here, I’m coming to a point, I promise. Verses 18 and 21 discuss how God deemed that it was not good for man to be alone, but that he needed community-family- an equal. Because God alone was not truly Adam’s equal- though we were made in His image and thereby created to do a multitude of the things we’d gawk at and call “miracles” today. Though this is true, we were not equals with God, because we weren’t sovereign, we weren’t eternal in the way that we existed before there was ever time and a “beginning” (see Genesis 1:1). We weren’t all powerful and all knowing. So God made Adam an equal because before man did, God knew what we needed, what we lacked, what we’d crave, what our desires and personalities would be. God gave the land for Adam to tend to (Ch. 2 v. 15) and sent him all the animals He (God) had made for him (Adam) to name (Ch. 2 v. 19-20). So yes, God gave man autonomy, but not separation from Him. 

In the self-government and rulership/dominion over the world He had created and placed us in, it was never God’s intention for us to be separated from His Spirit, from His being. As our Creator and loving Father, as God of all things, we were never meant to not need His love, His light, His wisdom, His creativity, His fellowship, His perfection, His mastery. He made us rulers over earth, but not sovereign-not rulers and masters over all the universe. There was a tree of the knowledge of good and evil that we were never meant to touch (Ch. 2 v. 16-17). And yet, we did (Ch. 3 v. 1-6). And God said in Genesis 3:22-24, “Behold, the man has become like one of us in knowing good and evil. Now, lest he reach out his hand and take also of the tree of life and eat, and live forever—” 23 therefore the Lord God sent him out from the garden of Eden to work the ground from which he was taken. 24 He drove out the man, and at the east of the garden of Eden he placed the cherubim and a flaming sword that turned every way to guard the way to the tree of life.”

Do you know why man could no longer stay in the garden with God after he touched the tree he was commanded not to touch? Well, there are a number of reasons. One being, sin entered into man, who was made in the image of God, connected to God in spirit and spiritual/genetic makeup. God is perfect, He can’t be connected to sin, it’s impossible. His existence obliterates it. So, in Ch. 2 v. 5, God says that if we eat from the tree, we will die. 

Well, He didn’t mean a physical death, He meant a spiritual one. 

Selah. Think about it. A baby in the womb is connected to its mother’s life through the umbilical cord. If the umbilical cord is cut, the baby dies because it has no Source. It can’t get the nutrients of life it needs to survive. In being cut off, the baby dies. In the same way, sin severed our spiritual umbilical cord, killing our connection to God, putting our spirits to death. Physically, we were alive, but spiritually, we were gone. And that separation caused the process that we now put in a well known saying, “From the moment you are born, you begin to die.” Because now our bodies were susceptible to all kinds of sicknesses, ailments and toxic, unhealthy things that came with sin. Sin is a bottle of everything bad and evil and deadly. Imagine that the action of eating from that tree, was what pushed that bottle over, and like Pandora’s box, everything was released, never to be put back in. 

That is where we are. So, yes. God couldn’t be with us because He obliterates sin. But additionally, as I’ve said before, God is all knowing and all powerful and perfect and eternal and all those things, right? God created us. So He’s far more powerful than us. He existed before us, so He’s been around the block a couple times. He knows everything because He created everything there is to know. So do you know what that means? He’s a perfect Judge. A perfect Ruler. Adam and Eve would have only known how to judge correctly because they were made in the likeness/image of God, who Himself was a perfect Judge. But now the difference, is that they were tainted by sin and also, not sovereign, all-knowing or pre-existent of time.

So You (God), have these two beings You created, that suddenly know, like You, what the difference between good and evil is. So that means....You’ll have three beings trying to be judge and ruler of all creation, even though only one of you is actually fit for the role. 

Now this is where the serpent got in on Eve. He told her in Genesis 3:4-5, “Surely you will not die. 5 For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” 

He flamed her curiosity. He (the serpent, who is the devil) opened the gate for something that destroyed himself ages before this moment- pride, the ego. And we know how deadly that ego is. Chiiilllddd, it’s what has me not wanting to need God to this very day. Imma get back to that, promise. This understanding of Scripture is necessary to my point.

So, the devil told Eve that she’d be like God. Now, I looked up the root translations of “like.” They are, kemo/kamo and demuth, which both mean, “likeness, similitude, resembling, alike.” Note, in a basic example, how two people-like twins for instance- can be alike, but not the same. Here is the overarching header people, We. Will. Never. Be. God. Period. 

So, even with a knowledge of good and evil, Adam and Eve would still lack the sovereignty to ever be on the same level as God. And in addition to that, they came upon that knowledge illegally. The law of the land, was to never touch and eat from the tree, and yet, they broke the Law of the Judge and illegally, unjustly took that information and gained that wisdom. What they didn’t know, is that their illegal confiscation was, in and of itself, a hindrance from them ever having the perfect understanding that came with the very knowledge they stole. Because sin now skewed their judgement, discernment, understanding and wisdom in a way that God’s was not and never would be skewed.

So, yes, we were never, in the original design, meant to be separate from God. Thankfully though, through Jesus Christ, He bridged that gap and the umbilical cord has been reconnected with His Spirit.

So, back to my point of wanting to be autonomous. Through Christ, we now have His Spirit dwelling in us, encouraging us, empowering us, leading us into all Truth, knowledge, understanding and wisdom of who God is and what His will for us individually and collectively is (which is why church is necessary, but that’ll be another post).  

At one point, we as humans were rulers of earth with God as our Head, Judge, Father and delighted Overseer. He just doted over us (and still does.) So, we ruled, and there was no issues because sin hadn’t tainted anything or anyone. But once sin entered, though we still rule in the world, it is now satan who rules spiritually over the earth just as God once did. Everything begins in the realm of the spirit, (I know, this is getting weird, right?) It’s true though. Look at the saying, “Hurt people, hurt people,” what does this mean? It means, that those who are emotionally and mentally hurt will lash out and create that pain in someone else’s life. It’s the same way with the spiritual versus the natural. The evil or good that is planted, spoken, done, birthed, created, or conjured in the spiritual realm, will pour over into the natural realm. “What goes arond, comes around,” right? The Biblical equivalent to that is that what you sow, you shall reap- what you plant, is what you harvest, essentially.

So, satan became the legal ruler of this realm because of our illegal transgression in the spiritual world way back when- which was breaking divine order and law, by disobeying the sovereign Ruler. So now, we live in a world where our judgement is skewed by evil, by someone who has workers (demons and spirits) that plant and promote and influence evil in others like a wicked social media campaign. *Insert Wicked by Future here*

So, why do I not want to need God? Because I desire to be perfect. I want my fairy tale Garden of Eden. I want life before sin. I want to fast forward past struggle and pain and hurt and grief and only live the good stuff. I want to be perfect so I can live a perfect life and be perfect to the standard and opinion of every skewed judgement here on this earth. I want to fit into every mold so I can just coast through life without a problem. 

In a moment of transparency, I want this so bad that I created a world in my mind where I have it. A world where I pray because I love God, and I preach and teach about Him because I want others to know the love of His presence. But ultimately, it is a world of perfection where I do not need Him. Where I don’t even want to need Him. Because let’s be clear, I don’t want to need God. Needing Him and wanting to need Him is a confession that I don’t have what it takes to achieve all of mine and the world’s skewed standards. 

So yeah. I promised vulnerability, and this is it. It may seem crazy that someone who has a whole blog dedicated to God would say that she doesn’t even want to need Him. But the truth is, most of us don’t want to need God on some degree. That’s why we don’t always pray and consult Him. It’s why we ask Him to just get us in the door so we can do the rest. It’s why we beg to be able to know what’s next so we can get ourselves there on our own terms. It’s why we go to Him and tell Him what we want so He can get skippy, snap His fingers and appease our desires and judgement. It’s why we don’t think we need a church and other people’s help. It’s why we don’t read the Bible. We don’t desire to need Him or think we need Him.

But.........have you ever thanked God for not giving you what you wanted or thought you needed? 

Yeah?

Me too. PLENTY of times. And you know what those are? Clear signs that we need Him, and more so than we’d care to admit. 

Out of a constant feeling of inadequacy, I desire to just have complete control of my life. And by complete control, I mean being knowledgeable, wise, talented, pretty, fashionable, experienced, strong, tough, bold, confident, secure, rich, faith-filled, believing, trusting, and generally just perfect enough to have control over each and every sector of my life, to the point that everything runs without a hitch. I never want to lack anything because I’ve always felt like I lacked so much according to the rules and standards and parameters of this fallen world.

I want for once, to not have to feel like I need anything. And again, needing God is an admittance to the fact that I still lack things I wish I had. 

It’s something I’m working on. It’s something I knew and confessed months ago. But today, I finally released it to God. I finally let Him in without just grazing over it. And from here, healing comes. It will be a process, something I also really hate because it’s another indicator that I lack, and therefore, have to work and wait for something that I desire to already immediately have. Regardless though, it will be a process of seeing all the beautiful ways I need Him. And I do mean beautiful. There is beauty in vulnerability with the Lord. I’m just really learning to let it all go and not try to be the Kelah I want to be, or the Kelah the world wants me to be, or the Kelah others have projected on me.

I’m working on simply being who God painted and spoke so many centuries ago. Flaws, weaknesses and yes, inadequacies and all. Autonomy would be great in a perfect world, but this world is far from it. And how can I preach a genuine need for the Lord when I myself am trying to run from it in my own relationship with Him?

This is the start to a beautiful journey, and I’m honestly, truly glad to be with you guys on it.

With love, I hope you can  Selah on your own ways that you’ve attempted to distance yourself from God, and, how even the dreaded parts of a fairy tale still amount to the Happily Ever After...

We all want our Prince Charming to swoop in and save the day. I invite you, alongside me, to let this walk with God be the romance you never saw coming. Let’s let Him sweep us off our feet.

Selah indeed.

[ialwayscomewhenyoucall]

Finding Flight 5/?

tumblr: ch1 / ch2 / ch 3 / ch 4 / ch 5

ao3: ch1 / ch2 / ch 3 / ch 4 / ch 5

“…no indication that anyone planned to settle on the planet. There were no markers on the planet or in orbit around it, no caches of supplies left behind; we saw no indication that anyone but us had ever visited Chrrt—”

“Avalon!” Naomi Rune interjects.

Ambassador Shurley turns to Naomi with a quelling look; an outsider would have seen it as a passing glance, but Dean and Naomi both recognize it for what it is, a glare that says, “Keep your mouth closed, Naomi. These talks are difficult enough without you stirring things up.” To Ambassador Flrr he says, “Please excuse Ms. Rune. She of course meant to say, ‘the planet in question.’ We’ve all had a very long day, perhaps we should adjourn until tomorrow?”

Dean starts at this. Leave? He’s barely been paying attention to the actual talks, of course, Ambassador Flrr and Ambassador Shurley are just repeating the same things over and over. He can’t hide his tablet under the table and peek glances at it occasionally…because he doesn’t have a seat at the table. He’s lucky to have a chair, he knows; on other assignments he’d had to stand against the wall, out of the way, with the others of low rank. He’s heard stories that these talks started this way too, but after the first year they brought in extra chairs. Apparently a year is long enough to make anyone stand on the fringes.

But he’s not bored. It’s been three days since he met Castiel in the lounge, three days since he ran away, three days of wishing he could go back and change the ending. Today they’re finally in the same room, and even though they aren’t exactly conversing, Dean is enjoying just stealing glances at the beautiful Astorian. Even at a distance those blue eyes electrify him.

And he’s not imagining things. Those eyes are noticing him back. Maybe Cas doesn’t think he’s crazy after all. Or, if he does, maybe he doesn’t care.

Ambassador Flrr had introduced Cas at the beginning of their session that day as, “Ambassador Castiel Novak, an objective outsider who may be able to help us find our way.” The entire human delegation was fascinated; Dean wasn’t the only one who stared. Cas took it in stride, sharing his bright, genuine smile with everyone in the room.

“I don’t know about all that,” Cas had said, bowing slightly to Ambassador Flrr, “but I’ll do everything I can to help your two peoples find peace between you.” Turning to Ambassador Shurley, he said, “The Preet are the ones who brought me here, but I truly want what is best for both sides. To that end, for the first several sessions I’ll be only listening to both sides, learning not only the more recent history but also how you all work together—or don’t, as the case may be.” Scattered laughter, from both sides, greeted this remark. “I’ll be around, both in the negotiations and on the station. I look forward to getting to know you. I’ve studied earth and humans rather extensively, but there’s only so much I can learn from a datastream!” Another charming smile, more laughter.

Dean took in every bit of Cas while he spoke: slightly unruly hair, intense blue eyes, soul-melting smile, muscled arms, silky, blue-black feathers. He had his wings tucked in tightly to his back, but the tips flicked out slightly, then stilled. Dean’s fingers ached to stroke those glossy feathers, but he—like many others on the station, he knew—had been reading up on Astorians, and he knew that touching Cas’s wings was a giant taboo. It would be like walking up to a strange woman and taking her shirt off. Dean shuddered involuntarily. No, he thought. I’ll keep my hands to myself. But he couldn’t help imagining what it would feel like to have those feathers beneath his fingers.

Cas settled onto his stool, wings trailing behind him, and although the ambassadors went on speaking—really, how many different ways could they say “it’s mine!”?—most of the humans in the room paid much more attention to the Astorian than to the discourse. Cas himself kept his eyes on the speakers…except when they darted momentarily to Dean.

And Dean noticed. He blocked out the childish bickering at the table and focused on the silent communication he was sure he was getting from Cas. He imagined mussing that already unruly hair. I’ve got it bad, he thought. Charlie knew right away, she’d seen it all over his face after that first meeting.

Outwardly Castiel smiles, or gazes at whoever is speaking with intense concern, or just sits, with an easy grace. Inside, however, he is in an uproar. Three nights ago, at the first meeting with the Preet, he didn’t understand what he was seeing, but he can’t deny it anymore.

Throughout his career, Castiel had been to many of these meetings. He’d come to realize, as cliché as it sounded, that the only thing he could expect was the unexpected. Every experience was different. Sometimes his reputation was well known, and he was expected to step in and take charge from the beginning. Other times he had to prove himself, starting in the background and working his way to the fore. At his last job, a particularly memorable one, he’d been brought in by one side in secret, unbeknownst to him. When the other side found out it nearly started a war.

Still, the first meeting with the Preet ambassador had been a new level of unexpected. He’d already been slightly off-balance from his encounter in the lift, wondering if he’d be able to avoid Becky Rosen and, conversely, if he’d ever be able to see Meg Masters again. So it was a bit off-putting when he arrived at the Preet’s headquarters to find the entire delegation—all 67, if Castiel remembers the count correctly—staring at him, unblinking.

Finally Ambassador Flrr spoke. “Ah, Ambassador Novak, thank you for coming.” He looked Castiel up and down and said, “Yes, you will do nicely.”

“I’m so sorry I’m late, Ambassador Flrr,” Castiel replied, bowing slightly. He felt awkward and uncomfortable under the combined and entirely unrestrained gaze of so many, and for once was concerned that his training might not keep it from showing. He took a microsecond to calm himself, then continued. “I’m eager to speak with you about your people and what role you’d like me to fill at the peace talks.”

The ambassador exchanged a glance with the delegate standing next to him. Slightly taller than Flrr, with a slightly violet tint to his neatly combed blue hair. Castiel recognized him as Charruk Tok, Flrr’s second-in-command. The ambassador turned back to Castiel, who pretended not to notice. “Tok and I have discussed it, and we think we’ll just take things one day at a time, Ambassador Novak. Spend some time getting to know the station. It’s quite large, and there are many interesting things to explore. Just last week Ambassador Shurley took me bowling!” The nearby Preet erupted into a high-pitched chittering noise that Castiel eventually realized was laughter. The ambassador smiled. “There’s a large session in three days, everyone from both sides will be in attendance. I’ll introduce you then. I’m sure they’ll be eager to meet you.”

“He won’t even have to open his mouth,” Tok said softly, in his own language. He smiled at Castiel.

It took every scrap of training Castiel had ever had to school his features into the “diplomat mask” he always wore in these situations. They must have not read my file very well, he thought.

Up until that point, they had been conversing in Common, the language of Earth and the Star Voyagers. That was the language the of the negotiations; not because the humans had won some sort of advantage, but because the language of the Preet was primarily chirps and clicks and was virtually impossible for the human tongue and vocal chords to mimic. The Preet, however, could speak Common just fine. So when Castiel was hired he learned Common. It was another reason he was so good at his job: he had a gift for languages.

It was something the Preet must not have realized, that Castiel learned languages easily and for fun, the way some people learn a new recipe or how to paint with watercolors. And when he signed on to this impossible job he didn’t just learn Common. He learned Preet too. He couldn’t speak it, of course—wings aside, his anatomy was strikingly similar to that of a human—but he could understand every chirp.

Why am I here? Castiel’s mind reeled, even as he smiled and chatted with the Preet. If they don’t want me to talk, why am I here?

It had seemed ridiculous, there in that room full of staring blue faces. Why hire a negotiator if you don’t actually want him to negotiate?

But now? Castiel looks around this room, and everywhere he looks he sees eyes looking back at him. Ambassadors Shurley and Flrr are talking, and almost none of the humans are paying them any attention. One young woman who seems to be listening actually yells “Avalon!” from the back of the room, and only a few people even turn their heads to look. Most everyone is still focused on Castiel.

When Ambassador Shurley mentions leaving for the day, Dean is snapped out of his moony daydreams and into the present. He doesn’t want to stop looking at Cas. But when Ambassador Flrr agrees and everyone stands and begins to make their way toward the doors, Dean starts mentally plotting his way through the crowd and across the room. He’s in the same room as—he’s finally admitting it to himself—his crush, and he’s going to find a way to speak to him again.

The ambassadors decide to adjourn for the day and the delegates throughout the room stand, stretch, and make their way toward the door. The humans around Castiel aren’t subtle about slowing to get a good look at him. Logic tells him they are only curious—Castiel is the first Astorian to travel off-planet in years, so of course none of them has ever seen one of his kind before. But logic alone can’t stop the painful twist in his gut. He is good at his job. He doesn’t want to be reduced to a curiosity.

“I know it’s not okay, but it’s so tempting!”

Giggles. “I know! I bet they’re so soft! I had a parakeet when I was a kid. Those feathers look way softer than parakeet feathers.”

“I wonder if he sleeps in a nest? I mean, he is part bird, right? Or...” The voice lowers, almost to a whisper, “do you think the angel thing is true?”

Castiel squeezes his eyes shut and flicks his wingtips in frustration. The hall is not yet empty, and as he’s been so recently reminded, he is on display here. If he were alone he’d rant and rail and…no. The corner of his mouth almost turns up in a smile. Even alone, that’s not his style. He’s always been one to seethe in quiet. Maybe that’s why he’s so good at his job. But he is seething. They think I’m part bird. Either that or an imaginary creature. He balls his hands into fists, but relaxes them almost immediately. People are watching.

On display. He would laugh if he was alone. It would be a bitter, horrid laugh, though. Who would have thought he’d be reduced to this? Castiel, the pretty showpiece.

And then another voice, this one in the chirps and clicks of a Preet. “It is working! Just look at them!” Castiel has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep his face calm.

He hears shuffling feet behind him and turns to see Dean, green eyes uncertain.

“Hello Dean.”

“Hey Cas.”

There is silence for a beat; Castiel is about to speak when Dean blurts out, “I’m sorry I ran off the other day. There was…it’s a long story. I’ll tell you sometime, if you’d like.” Castiel sees something in his eyes; an old wound, but never truly healed. When Castiel doesn’t turn away Dean’s eyes shine with something brighter. Hope?

Dean smiles then, relieved and pure, and something inside Castiel breaks.

“So. Uh. I left before we even got to have a drink together in the lounge. You have any plans now? Or we could have dinner? They serve fantastic burgers. Do Astorians eat burgers? I’m sure we can find something you’ll like, anyway. And the view is amazing. Well, most of the time anyway.” That hint of darkness flashes across his face again, but it’s gone in an instant, replaced with concern.

He’s very perceptive. Astorians are difficult to read, but he knows I’m upset, Castiel thinks.

“Cas? Did I say something wrong?”

Castiel wants nothing more than to go with Dean, to share a meal, to hear him laugh. Instead he takes half as step back. “I can’t,” he says. A small thread of anger breaks through his cautiously built façade. He instantly longs to draw it back; he isn’t angry at Dean, he’s angry at everything else. Great job, Castiel, he thinks, his eyes on Dean. The one time you slip, it’s to hurt someone you actually…

Dean’s face falls, then he smiles, a carefully constructed, wooden sort of smile. “Oh. My mistake.” He laughs, but it’s forced, not at all the laugh Castiel has been hoping to hear. Then, “Well. If you ever need a tour guide, look me up. Dean Winchester. I’ve been here two years, after all. It’s a big station, but not that big. I know the ins and outs.” He blushes faintly, and the broken bit of Castiel breaks a little more. “Sorry. I’m rambling. Again. See you around, Cas.”

He turns and nearly sprints from the room.

Castiel’s wings droop so low they nearly drag on the floor. The feathers even seem to lose their luster.

He doesn’t even notice the few people left in the room.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

This chapter is brought to you by the letter A...for Awesome! As in, I have awesome friends/betas who help me when I’m banging my head on the wall or up way too late at night and don’t know what I’m doing. Thanks so much! @moonlightcas @bend-me-shape-me @ajacentlee (Also Lindsay tells me to go to bed when it���s clear I’m being ridiculous and need the sleep. Which helps almost as much as writing advice. *grin*)

And did you see my beautiful new title graphic??! That was @bend-me-shape-me too!! Thank yoooooooo!)

tagging: @unlikelyteller  anyone who would like to be tagged in future chapters please let me know!

[sweetmchao]

I was asked by anons and @paiigeturner to do these love askssss

Blush : What do you do when you have a crush on someone?

Depends on who I end up crushing on. Usually I do my best to talk to them and then admit my feelings when I feel its the right moment. 

Kiss : What’s the sweetest thing someone has done for you?

Making me feel part of a whole and making me have a purpose in life.

Cuddle : Which one of your mutuals do you really want to hug right now?

Sarah because she’s very smol and cute and she’s super fuckin rad

Romance : Perfect date?

Doesn’t matter to me really; usually I like dinner and a movie. Spending time outside is what I’m taking a shine to more recently.  What I care about most is clicking with my significant other and becoming so invested in their company I don’t acknowledge what happens around me.

Joy : What truly makes you happy?

Feeling like I have someone to share my life with and making them feel loved. Knowing I’m not just another person to them.  Seeing the twinkle in their eyes when they’re with me.  Knowing that I’m a positive influence on them. Someone who feels they can be themselves around me and they don’t have to break their back for me. Someone who inspires me and makes me want to live my life to the fullest and be a better person no matter what happens.  The list goes on.

Love : Are you, or have you been, in love before?

I’m in love right now and it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me.  My life has never been better since I met my boyfriend back when I started college almost three years ago.

Beloved : What do you love the most about yourself?

The degree of understanding and forgiveness I have for people.

Sweet: Favorite love song?

Off the top of my head, Overjoyed by Bastille. Most recently I like Close by Nick Jonas feat. Tove Lo.

Cute : What’s your aesthetic?

It can range from pastel pink dresses to solid color skinny jeans. I’m still trying to figure it out.

Thoughtful : If you could change your name, what would you call yourself?

Why would I change my name? For the past 21 years I’ve built myself up as Michelle, so why would I want to erase everything and start with a new slate and become a completely different person?

Charming : Who helps motivate you?

My boyfriend John.  He always helps me through bad times and offers great advice that I use to this day.

Beautiful : Who is your ideal significant other?

Someone who makes me unconditionally happy and someone I want to invest my time in and make memories with.

Kind : What Pokemon would you be?

Maybe a Grass, Water, Psychic, Fairy, or Electric type. Small and round especially.  I can’t say for sure because I have so many favorites.

Heart Beat : You’re getting coffee with a celebrity, who is it?

George Harrison, hands down. He’s my favorite from The Beatles.

Giggle : Do you believe in love at first sight?

Saying that most of my crushes started that way, certainly.

Laughter : Who can always make you laugh?

My boyfriend John, Sarah, Morgan, Neekee. It doesn’t take much to make me laugh but these people are a riot.

Smile : What do you find attractive?

Eyes, hairstyle, and body language. I prefer quiet and humble people. Creative minds and fascinations for neat things. Sense of humor. Sense of style. Good taste in music. Old soul. Kindness. Artistic and trendy. 

Warmth : What is your happy place?

Off-the-grid outdoors.  Anywhere where you can forget and detox from society.  Forests and lakes generally take the cake.  Eastern Tennessee/Western North Carolina and Northern Wisconsin are my ideal places.  Ultimately places where I can get in touch with myself spiritually and mentally.

Huggable : What are your favorite flowers?

ALL. I love all flowers, mostly ones that are fragrant and unique.

Soul Mate : Who is your best friend?

[Aside from my boyfriend] Sarah because I feel I can talk to her about anything and not be judged or made fun of.  She understands how I feel and puts in a buttload of effort to make me feel better. 

Unique : What qualities do you look for in other people?

Fun-loving and weird senses of humor.  I love people who light up the room and get obnoxious to death. It’s like a breath of fresh air especially when they include you despite not knowing you well enough.

Trust : Do you trust people easily?

It takes me a substantial amount of time to open up to people because I’m afraid of being judged.  I wait until I get a read on the person and if I feel like I can confide with them they get my trust.

Dearest : What item is most dear to you?

Back in December on our 8-month my boyfriend got me a necklace with a rock he showed me when we were at the beach when we went to a friends’ lake house.  If I remember correctly he showed me because there was a little heart print on the one side.  I wear it all the time because I like the reminder of that weekend where I got to do so much with him. The experience was a turning point in my life because I felt what it was like to be happy and what it felt like to be with people who I want to be in my life long-term because of their kindness and how at home they feel.  It made me realize how in love I am and how lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life.

[snapdragonsapling]

So like, how would our chocobros react to their chubby/plus sized crush trying to exercise in order to be fit just so they could help the bros in their journey only to get frustrated and yell at them that they were trying to be better because they loved the dorks when the exercises weren't working as intended? I hope this made sense. It did in my head. ;3;

Ookay so i really like this? I’m a chubster myself and i can relate to this soo much. I hope this is what you imagined it would be :3 here we go

Noctis - okay so this boy would be touched- You’re trying to change yourself just to help him? Yeah there is definitely lowkey appreciation- He’d ask Ignis for advice on a diet change to help you out- He’d make sure to help you as good as he can- Like making sure the training room in the Palace would be empty in case you’re uncomfortable exercising infront of others- In case some unfortunate soul walks into the room while you’re in there, Noct will shout at them and threaten them with all his royal snark- If you allow him to stay in the room with you, he’d watch you from the corner of his eye while studying or just playing Kings Knight- If you ask him to sparr with you, he’ll gladly do that and even show you how to handle a sword (if you don’t already know how to)- When you snap at him because you’re diet is not working as intended, it would probably be during dinner at his place- The highness is eating all the unhealthy and, lets be real, good stuff while you’re stuck with your fucking rabbit food salad?- Thats the small drop that kinda bursts the floodgates- When you shout at him with angry and sad tears in your eyes, he’d be startled at first- Then the Prince will get grumpy himself- He tried to help you, did he not??? What else can he do?- He’ll be short with you at first, but when you keep on going and explain that you’re more angry with yourself than with him, he’ll soften- He’ll hug you tightly and kiss your tears away- If you try to fight him off you, he’ll hold you even tighter until you calm down again- Noctis will tell you, that no matter what you do, you will always support him by just being you- If you decide to keep going with your exercise, he will keep on supporting you. If you don’t, thats fine with him as well- All he wants is for you to be happyPrompto- Sunshine child understands you better than anyone else- He is so deeply flattered that you want to change for him that he might actually have a few tears in his eyes- Is he really worth it?? What did he do to deserve someone as gorgeous as you- He’ll go running with you, just like he did as a child- Everyday he’ll come by your house with a silly grin on his face and a route planned out for you two to explore today- You’ll see more of Insomnia than you ever thought you would- He’ll show you to most beautiful spots all around the city. Going for a jog with him never gets boring and is new every day- Afterwards its cuddletime at his place after a steamy shower (with or without him, thats your call *wink wink* )- Prompto will keep on taking pictures of you so you can see your progress. Thats when you snap- You two scroll through the pictures while cuddling and you don’t see as much progress as you’d like- Poor boy will think its his fault at first and will be devastated to see you angry with yourself- But the chocoboy knows exactly how you feel.- He whips out his own old diet progress pictures and shows you that he himself made no progress whatsoever at first too- Then he’ll explain to you that it takes time- Joke here and there about how much of a Don Juan he is now because he powered through- He’ll lift his shirt and show you his toned body littered with stretchmarks to encourage you- Then Prompto will kiss and nuzzle all those parts of your body that you don’t like- Bless this boy omg he’ll just shower you with love and appreciation- He will encourage you to keep on going if you want to- Prompto will keep on taking pictures of you from the most flattering of angles to show you how beautiful you are. Along some silly selfies with himself. You look most beautiful when you’re laughing anywayGladio- hokai he will be right there on board as soon as you say you want to get in shape- He used to train Noctis so he’s already had the worst pupil in history, he’ll put up with you anytime- Gladio will gladly take up his role as your personal trainer- Camping trips through Duscae and Cleigne to take a jog along a river and watch the sunrise? Yes please- He’ll set up a healthy diet plan for you- Before you start exercising each day he’ll make sure you stretch and warm up correctly- Hooo boy get ready to feel him right behind you and his touch all along your limbs- Gladio will throroughly enjoy to watch you when he’s not training with you- But boy, he can be a little overbearing, can he- You do SO much everyday and you STILL can’t see any progress- You will blame your personal trainer first, before shifting the blame to yourself- Gladio will get angry. Jeezus, will he get angry- First, you blamed his own training schedule and exercise itself. 2 things he loves- Then you got angry with the thing he loves most in this world : You- If you shout, he’ll shout back like he does with Noctis when the Prince sulks in selfdoubt- Things will get heated, but you will see reason in his arguments- Once you calm your anger and just let tears silently trickle down your face, he’ll pull you into a reassuring hug, cup the back of your head and press you against his chest- Gladio will reduce his exsessive training schedule until you’re up for more- What he will suggest more now is physical training at home- Sex, he’s talking about sexIgnis - Ignis will be confused at first- He will calmly explain to you, that you won’t have to change if you don’t want to. There are more ways to support someone than just things that require physical fitness- He will 100% support you if you do to decide to get into shape- He won’t have THAT much time to sparr or exercise with you, but if he does, get ready for some intense yoga or gymnastics- Training with him his going to be more intimate than you thought. There will be more physical contact than expected. Not that you really mind though …- He will ALWAYS cook for you. Ignis won’t allow you to eat any of those “praised diet foods/drink” because quite frankly he doesn’t trust them- The food he makes is absolutely delicious. How can something this healthy taste this good??- If he’s busy with Nocts royal butt, he’ll leave healthy snacks and food in the fridge in case you get hungry- One day when he comes home he’ll see you in the bathroom watching at the scale that still hasn’t changed enough!!- When he asks whats wrong, you’ll snap at him with angry tears in your eyes- You will charge past him, because its not his fault!! Its not his goddamn fault, why are you suddenly so angry with him?!- Ignis will grab your arm to hold you back and look into your eyes with his eyebrows raised in question- He will calmy listen to you letting off steam, nodding understandingly- His calm demeanor will calm you down once you’re done venting- Iggy will open his arms in a welcoming hug which you gladly accept and press your face into his chest- Once again he’ll explain to you, you don’t have to be physically fit to support him and the others on this quest. He’d rather have you support him mentally than see you in such a frustrated state- If you decide to keep on going, he’ll try to exersice with you more often. - More Yoga with Iggy, yay!- Get ready for some quiet cuddles afterwards with him peppering your body with kisses- Seriously though, what is this sorcery of his that makes healthy food taste so daaamn good??

[rebelrunnergirl]

Ironman 70.3 Santa Rosa (Part I)

This race almost didn’t happen for me. I almost didn’t get on the plane for California the Wednesday before the race, even though I had already shipped my bike. The weeks leading up to it were mentally and emotionally draining for me, personally, having little to do with my training, so my heart, my determination, and my energy were definitely not on racing.

A little background--my older son has high-functioning autism. He was officially diagnosed at 7 years old. Fast-forward to now--he’ll be 14 soon. He’s been in therapy this entire time. He’s made progress, LOTS of it, but, to the untrained eye, it may not seem that way. And, more often than I like to admit, even I forget in the moments when he’s having a hard time with a social concept or refuses to participate in school or some change has thrown him off and agitated him. He’s still sensitive to certain sounds, textures, temperatures, and tastes, all things that I have to be constantly aware of in order to potentially intervene before a meltdown may ensue. We have a pretty rigid routine in place because sudden changes are very bad, and he cannot deal with them. His motor skills are still pretty awkward. When his blood sugar gets low, he becomes virtually inconsolable. And, he is wicked smart--his IQ is higher than 99% of the population of the planet. (He doesn’t know that part.) Add to all of this, puberty, and, well, you have the makings of almost daily emotional tornadoes. Things have been really tense at home for a while now.

I do my best to maintain a routine for him and make sure he eats often enough (if he doesn’t, he becomes frantic). We regularly attend therapy, sometimes weekly, but usually every other week. He’s had a meltdown in the past several weeks, which we haven’t experienced in a long while, but, thankfully, it wasn’t a physical one, because, honestly, I don’t know that I’m physically strong enough to manage him anymore. He’s bored with school and doesn’t see the point. He’s depressed and anxious. And then, exactly one week before the race, shit hit the fan at his very small private school (10 students in grades 6-12). He and another student have been butting heads all year, and she also has special needs, though hers are physically evident. The school finally rearranged the class setups about 8 weeks ago to help them avoid one another, and that aspect of school at least became a bit easier for both, or so we thought.

One week before I was supposed to board my flight to California, I picked him up from school, asked him how his day was (“Um, okay”—usual response), and I drove to the bike shop to drop my bike for transport to the race. We had been home for an hour when I received an “incident report” about him and his school nemesis snarking at one another on the way to the restroom, mainly just kid stuff, but, since he has zero filter, I have to constantly remind him how to interact socially, so I asked him about it, and he responded that only part of the report was accurate (turned out to be the truth on his part—plus, he’s a terrible liar, so I knew right away), and then he added, “Plus, I don’t understand why her mom came into the school and yelled at me when I got there this morning.” I was stunned—surely I misunderstood what he said. So I asked him to repeat what he said about the other student’s mom to make sure I had heard correctly. He did, and before the blind rage completely took me, I managed to ask, “What exactly did she say?” I knew that he wouldn’t be able to tell me, because as a defense mechanism, he shuts down during confrontation and has no memory of it whatsoever—it happens when during meltdowns too, and this is perfectly normal for him. But I had to ask before I made my next move.

So many emotions and thoughts overtook me, and then I glanced at my 10 year old (who is not on the spectrum) and saw his face—he absorbs so much of this intensity around him too—stopped myself and said, as calmly as I could manage, “Okay. Let me take your brother to art, and I will contact the director, and we will handle this. Don’t worry about it right now, okay?” My teen said, “Okay,” and my 10 year old visibly relaxed a bit. When we got in the car, my 10 year old simply and quietly said, “I’m sorry, Mama.” He does this all the time when I get upset too—he tries to comfort ME.  That killed me, so I said, “Buddy, please don’t apologize. None of this is what you need to deal with, and I am sorry that you have to witness it all. It’s going to be okay. I will handle this, and I will always protect you and your brother. Okay?” He perked a bit at this, and I changed the subject to his day while I drove him to art. He’s mainly a very happy kid, so that helped.

All of my endurance training helped prevent me from doing or saying anything colossally stupid—this is no exaggeration. Otherwise, I might be writing this from jail. On a paper napkin with a dull pencil. When I called the director, it took every last ounce of self-control I had to suppress a stream of profanity worthy of mortifying hardened sailors. Verbally, and in writing, I requested a written report of everything that was said and done by the mother during this incident, which I received later on and insisted that school policies needed some drastic changes regarding parental interaction with students.

This is what transpired that morning, partially from me and partially from the school investigation: I dropped him at school that morning, and I saw the mom and her child waiting outside the school, which never happens, and my gut told me to walk into school with him, but when I mentioned it to him, he said, “No, Mama. That’s embarrassing.” So, against my instincts and better judgment, I told him not to talk to them and to just go to his desk and start his work. She followed him inside, apparently, and, in the presence of at least one staff member and another student, threatened him with bodily harm if he ever talked to her daughter again. (Yes, really.)

When I received this report, I was LIVID and worried. I struggled with wanting to hunt her down myself, with calling the police to file charges, with wanting to hug and comfort a child who hates to be touched,  with taking legal action, and with soul-crushing guilt for not having walked him inside school that morning. I reached out to my college tribe for support because I knew that I needed talking down. (My husband was traveling and was unreachable for most of this, and my family is not supportive—they think his diagnosis is an excuse for us to avoid parenting “properly.”)

It didn’t take long before the school requested a meeting with my husband and me. It turns out that whatever he was accused of saying to her daughter had never occurred, and, when confronted with this fact, the mother was unrepentant and refused to apologize for her behavior. The school immediately banned her, and, consequently, her daughter, which is unfortunate for the child. The school staff have been instructed to immediately call police if she appears again. They’ve changed their parent/student interaction policies. They were very apologetic for not contacting us immediately. So, at least that part was encouraging.

But now, before bed, my teenager frequently asks what would have happened if the child’s dad had showed up or if the mom returns. I reassure him that we won’t let it happen, and that he’s safe. My 10 year old asks about it all the time. He worries for his brother and always has. So, no, I REALLY didn’t want to leave them, even with their dad (who can’t stick to a routine to save his life, except his own), though my husband does okay when I leave explicit written instructions.

This all left me mentally and emotionally drained. I wasn’t sure I had a race in me anymore. Physically, I was ready, but I just didn’t know about my mental and emotional state. I didn’t feel like my heart or head was in it this time. I wasn’t even excited about the prospect of a girls’ trip and race for which I had been training my ass off. A friend finally convinced me to go, reassuring me that she’d help out here if needed. I reluctantly packed, though at the last minute. And I cried most of the way to Fort Lauderdale, but I got on the plane.