#cool ass design brah

[pabit-paradoc]

Sfiso Langa-Nkanyesi for @lyn-auxcord

[avissapiens]

Jockbull Summer Week 1 (12/11/23-18/11/23) - Set A

Model used is Tsonghan Wu

1 & 2.

I don’t typically train with push ups all that often, but I picked this as my personal goal because there’s such a potent jock energy about being able to show off and crank out effortless reps of push ups. Massive high school sports star energy. But we started small. Only managed 22 on my first day. Granted it was immediately after a Push session.

The second attempt however I integrated the competitive element. I went to one of my best friends from back home, K. Total stud who i’ve always envied and idolized. I expect he’ll come up a few more times before this is over so might as well give him some designation. I asked him to make it a contest to beat his score. He hit 30 in one go. I pushed myself so fucking hard because I would not lose to him. I was gonna kick his ass. And I did. I hit 31 and then spent a good minute on the floor unable to get up. It felt so fucking good tho. Increasing by so much. Pushing and winning against my bro. It made my night. 3rd attempt i hit 32. If i keep increasing. Keep pushing. Maybe i’ll get to 100 by the end.

3.

The first step is an important milestone. Obviously as a Self-employed writer/full time student in a different country I don't have a MASSIVE collection of clothes to chuck out (you all can change that). But there are definitely a few that I already know are going to get the boot when the time comes. The reason this one was so important for me and Jockrs is because we both felt that as long as those old clothes were an option, I’d keep defaulting to them out of habit. Over-sized, drab, boring. Hiding the gainz and the new person i want to become. So the first piece I threw out was a fairly cheap ugly grey long sleeved shirt that I bought when I first moved to NZ. 6XL. Bought 3 sizes too big for me at a time when I was 3 sizes too big for me. And as I've leaned down and put on muscle, all this shirt does is wash me out and make me swim in fabric. It had to go. But I still feel indebted to it. It was a go-to piece of clothing on my worst Dysmorphia days when I felt like a fat, disgusting piece of shit. It helped me deal with the anxiety of being in a new place where I clearly didn’t look like I belonged. It helped me hide when I needed to hide. But i don’t need to hide anymore.

4.

Unfortunately I couldn't really work on this as much as I wanted. Jokers was still in exam mode so some of the shared tasks that required him were a bust. That said, I did slip a few more "dudes", "mans" and "bros" into my chatter with gym bros. And I went as far as coaching some dudes through my leg day workout. This is one I'm eager to make progress on because it's so antithetical to what I've always been. My speech has always been a weird indistinguishable hybrid. I’ve been mistaken for American, British and Canadian. I’ve had my voice described as “trans-Atlantic”, Despite coming from the Caribbean. I was always discouraged from indulging too much in dialect and slang when I was young. “Speak properly”. Combined with being fairly bookish and advanced, maybe that led to some good things in the long run. My skill with words, language and voice are unique. They’re why you all love me. But it did mean that by the time I was in secondary school I was a little alienated from my peers. I didn’t talk like them. I didn’t want to either but it was rough always being mistaken for a foreigner on soil you have never left in your life. In a sense, me picking up an even more exaggerated americanized accent is taking that full circle. Developing a bit more control over my speech to inhabit an ideal I have always longed for. Sounds cool, rite brah?

5.

Again, one restricted by Jockrs being in exam mode. I didn’t want to get too far. But we finally watched the first episode of the 2018 series. One of the rare occasions where the dub is notably better than the sub. But god. What a wild ride. 10/10. No notes. It's just pure gas. And that first episode really struck a chord with me. Something visceral about being palpably perceived as a threat. Emanating danger from you that lessers can sense in their bones. Actually being a weapon in human form. I get such a thrill from that concept. I understand why the toxic tik tok gym bro crowd latches on to this show so much. I think I will too.

[spaciebabie]

HI HI HI I JUST SAW THE FNAF MOVIE FEEL FREE TO USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO SHARE YOUR THOTS ABT EVERYTHING

alr well im gonna talk abt a lot of things under the cut :> (extra precaution for people who havent seen it!) im gonna be talking abt some major spoilers so like if you dont wanna know what happens dont look!!!!!!!!

the thing that stood out ta me the most abt this movie is the cinematography i mean- some of those shots were really well fucking done. and the tension at certain parts??? i mean!!! i wasnt really scared during the movie but there were some parts where the build up ta the scare made me feel a lil somethin somethin yk. a little tingle in my booty.

ALSO LIKE?? THE AUNT DIED AND NOBODY FUKCING TALKED ABOUT IT SKDFJSKFHSKJFSJDF???? DID MIKE JUST FUCKING MOVE HER BODY OUT OF HIS HOME??? WHERE THE FUCK DID SHE GO???? THEY REALLY JUST LIKE DID NOT GIVE A SHIT ABT HER AWAHWHAGGWGAGWAHHWGHAHAHA

also. the springlocks. we finally got like some explanation asta how they would work and honestly i really really like how they function. like it makes sense!! the metal ribcage??? fuck thats so peak i might hafta add that ta my springer design i love it

speaking of springtrap. hello hi i love. william afton. i have always been a springtrap lover and a william afton enjoyer but this movie man. mathew lillard is hot as hell and he did an awesome job in this role. i mean hes everything i would want william afton ta be. silly, dangerous, unhinged, sure of himself, ive already made a post talking abt how much i liked the springlock failure scene (well more like screaming abt it) but like. hes. hes not scared of dying hes not scared of death (at least he doesnt show it) b/c he knows hes gonna be reborn and- fuck its just so good. i love everything abt the final scenes. GOSH AND HIS VOICE!!!!!!!! THE DISTORTION ON HIS VOICE DID YOU HEAR HOW GLEEFUL AND CHEERY HE WAS??? HOW DRAMATIC HIS STUPID ASS WAS??? SHITTTTTTT

im also really glad vanessa had some development here! and i wasnt expecting her ta be william aftons daughter??!?!?!?! WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLYAY MOLAY ACTUAL PLOT TWIST I DIDNT SEE COMING. ive already mentioned this 2 people on discord but like. i hope we see more development of her and her fathers relationship before what we see in fnaf 1. i NEED 2 know what she saw i NEED 2 know why she is so haunted. what happened ta her family???? and like!! what the hell is happening 2 her as shes in that hospital brah i bet you she's having terrible nightmares and i needta see ALL OF THEM-

ALSO LIKE?? JUST REFERENCES TA THE FNAF FANDOM IN GENERAL?? THWE LIVING TOMBSTONE??? MATPAT?? CORYXKENSHIN????? SPARKY????

LET ME ALSO CONTINUE TALKING ABT THE FACE SHREDDER THING CUZ LIKE I WANNA KNOW WHY THAT WAS EVEN IN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACEOMG A THOUGHT JUST HIT ME-

FACE SHREDDER SO YOU CANT IDENTIFY THE BODY???? HELLO???? anyways seeing the animatronics go crazy and kill people was very cool. i loved the animatronics soooo much they were so silly and LIVELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO FULL OF LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GODDD I LOVE LOVE LOVE THEMMM I LOVE THAT THEY PUT IN THE EFFORT TA ACTUALLY MAKE THE ANIMATRONICS IT MADE IT SO MUCH BETTER

rambling over. i needta go study skfskjfksjdf

[the-possum-writes]

[Fionna and Cake Spoilers]

Look fam, Adventure time is my daily bread and butter, after catching up with 4 eps I have some... uh "opinions" on certain characters that I need to get out of my chest-

FINNN MY BOY LOOK AT YOU ALL GROWN UP 😭🤧🥺💕

I am so happy to see him again, and as much as I loved his adult Obsidian design I also have a liking to this one- he's so meaty I wanna brrrr those pecs and bite his arms. But also I feel so sad for him like, he's obviously distracting his grief for Jake by going from one adventure to another and, baby boy are you okay?? Lay on my shoulder and lets confront your feelings together 🥺

UMMM HELLO?? 😳🥴

Ahhh Huntress wizard was always my favorite background character and seeing NOT ONLY HER F&C COUNTER PART but he likes plants!? Sign me the fuc up, I adore Hunter, I would hike through thorny bushes and get bitten by mosquitos voluntarily if it means hanging out with this hunk as he talks non stop about different types of weeds and flowers 🥰

WHOO IS THIS NEW HOTTIE?

Brah from the cool mask to the suit I am just sold so easily like, I vibe so much with his design and his role as our main antagonist. Like don't get me wrong I don't want him to replace Prismo and kill Fi's world but if he calls me up to go eat steak and drink tea I would answer in a heart beat. Gotta love a man who has his professional priorities in order. Also that bandaged look he had at the beginning was really cool too, with the multiple eyes and all.

Oh, dear precious Simon you can't catch a break can you? Let's wrap you up in a blanket so you can talk to me about you ex, we'll get ya through this buddy 🥺

DAMN BITCH YOU LIVE LIKE THIS?

I wasn't huge on Prismo as a character in AT but in F&C I can totally understand the need to create something original and for yourself rather than creating for the sake of others. I'd love to move in as a roomie and help him clean up a bit, I can't take him to AA meetings but I can bring them to him lol. Maybe creating sentient universes isn't a good idea but the Sims 4 is close enough.

GIRL, SHE IS JUST LIKE ME FR FR

I can relate so much to Fi's daily life omg, I started watching Adventure Time when I was in middle school so seeing her now in a similar setting as my early adult life is so wild and comforting to me. She has a special place in my heart, oh and she caked up like damn, in the og series she didn't strike me as a teen but I can definitely see her now as a grown ass woman. And in shorts! I love wearing shorts, they're so comfy. I wanna hang at a sleep over with her, watching dumb action or scary movies, eat ice cream as we talk about our break ups ;w;

That's about it, thank you to my Ted talk. I'll try to finish my requests as soon as I can to open my inbox again cause damn, I can't wait to see what you guys come up with!!! 11!

[mamashitty]

Samwell Elementary Chapter 8

Title: Samwell Elementary  Fandom: Check, Please! Word Count: 2496 Ship: Zimbits Chapter: Eight Previous Chapters: tumblr &  AO3 Blurb: Halloween! Jack decides to go to the Halloween party that Shitty and Bitty are hosting after all.

Jack decides the day of the party that he is going to attend. More accurately, the night of the party. It is actually on Halloween, a seemingly rare occurrence of it landing on a Saturday. He spends the day helping Maisie get ready for trick or treating, it only runs from six to eight in the evening. Her costume this year is fairly elaborate, she wanted to be a hockey-playing knight. It had taken Jack, Camilla, Steve, and Maisie awhile to figure out how best to make the costume. They had found foam to make a lightweight shield out of it. Camilla had done the brunt of that work, researching how cosplayers create realistic shields out of the material. They had gone with store-bought armor for kids but had painted over it, designs and colors that Maisie had wanted. It looked sort of realistic, and was again, lighter in weight so that hopefully, Maisie would not get too tired. She was using her hockey stick as her sword, and they tied a rope around it so that she could strap it across her back along with her shield. Her helm was her hockey helmet and to finish the look she had on rollerblades.

Jack is impressed with the final outcome, and happy as always when the three adults who take on parenting roles in Maisie’s life work together so well. It had taken longer than Jack likes to admit for him to really warm up to the idea of Steve having such an active role in Maisie’s life. He was never rude to the man but there had been a distance, a lack of warmth on Jack’s end. He had been so worried about Steve trying to take over in the father role, that Maisie might end up loving Steve more as her father than Jack. He knew at the time (and definitely knows now) that his thoughts were ridiculous, but even knowing that, did not stop the anxiety. He is happy that he got over it because he knows that being able to work together only benefits his daughter and Steve is a cool guy. Jack can see how much he cares about Maisie, and now he realizes, that Steve never tries to overstep his role. A role that is constantly changing and evolving, a role they are all learning how to work with, and Jack knows how lucky he and Maisie and Camilla all are that this works out.

It makes him wonder, sometimes, if and how someone else could slot into their lives and their family. Before when he had imagined it, the person was always sort of blank. Not even a real person just the idea of a person. Lately, that idea has shifted more into focus, and Jack tries hard not to focus too much on the fact the person is an awful lot like Eric Bittle. He ignores the fact completely (or tries to but his brain usually won’t let him) that the person he imagines is Bittle these days.

Maisie is done trick or treating by 7:30, her pillowcase swelling with candy. Jack has taken over carrying it, it is slung over his shoulder. Maisie had picked out each of the costumes the three adults are wearing. Jack is a cat photographer. He has cat ears on and a cat tail, with his camera worn around his neck. Camilla is a witch with a long, flowing gown on and her hair unkempt underneath a witches hat. Steve is a dog and Maisie made Steve promise not to chase the cat photographer, Steve kept his promise.

It is when they make it back to Camilla’s house that Jack decides he will go to the party, after all. Camilla and Steve had been shooting him look all night, and he almost regrets telling them about it. Shitty has been sending texts throughout the night with updates on how the party is going as well as demanding pictures of his hockey niece. Shitty’s last text had pointed out that Jack had a costume and why let it go to waste by only wearing it for a couple of hours. And so, Jack kisses Maisie goodbye and feels a little guilty when he could be spending more time wither her. His guilt is slightly assuaged when he gets a god look at her and notices the rather sleepy look in her eyes. Odds of her passing out before 8:30 are good.

Jack arrives at Shitty’s house and the party is in full swing. He manages to snag a parking spot close to the house and he glances at his reflection in the mirror for a few minutes. He tugs off his cat ears and pulls a Falconers’ baseball cap down low on his head, then he places the cat ears over that. His camera he slips around his neck once more, and he steps out of the car before attaching his cat tail back on. He does not know how many strangers will be at the party and he hopes to slip in unnoticed and unrecognized. Maybe he should have put on a different hat, he muses as he walks towards the house. He feels nervous and he knows precisely why he does.

It all has to do with seeing Eric outside of school and outside of their morning conversations in Shitty’s kitchen before jogs. This feels like a big step in their friendship. If what they even have is a friendship. Jack wonders, vaguely, if this is even appropriate for the two of them to be at a party together. He decides to ignore that concern as best as his brain will let him. Shitty had invited him and Eric had mentioned just a couple of days ago in an offhand fashion that he hoped Jack would come to the party. Jack remembered how happy those words had made him and he decides to latch onto those feelings.

He makes a calculated decision to enter through the garage because that door leads straight into the kitchen. He hears music even before he opens the door and as he steps into the kitchen he finds himself feeling a little disappointed. There is no Bittle in the kitchen. In fact, the kitchen is empty and he can hear voices in the other rooms. He finds himself stalling, lingering by the island as he looks over the food options. Treats of all sizes are displayed on the island and Jack’s mouth waters. He knows Eric made all of this. He wonders which one he ought to eat first. Jack figures it is Halloween and that it is okay to cheat a little on his diet. Maybe, he might just talk himself out of it, but he thinks about the fact Eric made all of this and-…

“Jack, you made it!”

Jack looks away from the food and his eyes land on Eric Bittle. His eyes land on exactly what the man is wearing and his brain short circuits. His mouth goes dry. He forgets that he is staring. Eric is dressed up as a bunny, a full-body suit that is small and tight on him. Jack wonders wildly what the fluffy tail must look like behind him and that leads Jack to image how the costume must be hugging, clinging even, to Eric’s ass, and is Jack drooling? He is dimly aware that Eric’s mouth is moving, that words must be coming out of it. Jack glues his eyes to that mouth, thinking maybe that might be a better place to look, but it really is not.

“Jack? Jack are you okay?” Eric asks, concern in his voice, and that is what snaps Jack out of his head, out of the space that costume put his head into. A wildly wonderful but horribly inappropriate place to be

“Huh? Oh, I am fine.” Jack stammers out. “Eh, you look great, Eric. I love your costume. We are both animals, eh? I’m a cat. You are a bunny,” and fuck Jack is rambling. He wonders how rude it would be to pile a bunch of food in his mouth so that he has an excuse to shut up. Maybe he should just run away? He notices that Eric had blushed at his compliment, and Eric starts to open his mouth to say something when Shitty comes bounding into the room.

“Jackabelle!” And soon the vision of Eric, of gorgeous Eric in a skimpy bunny outfit, is obscured from view as Jack gets an arm full of Shitty. Shitty who is dressed in a near-identical costume as Bittle’s. It does not have the same effect on Jack. It breaks the spell, somewhat, and Jack laughs as he hugs Shitty back. Because he has an arm full of Shitty, because Shitty’s hair is all in his face, those ridiculous bunny ears too, he finds it easier to say what he says next.

“Bitty definitely pulls the look off better, Shits.” Shitty lets out a wounded noise, stepping back and attempting a hurt expression but his eyes ruin it by twinkling with amusement.

“Ya hear that, brah?” Shitty asks Bittle and Jack feels his cheeks turn red. He notices Bitty’s are a vibrant red too.

Jack stays glued to Eric’s side throughout the party. It is easy to stay close to Eric, he knows him. Sure, he knows Lardo and Shitty too. He knows a lot of the people at the house, having met them throughout the years that Shitty has worked at Samwell Elementary. There are a handful of people he does not know, and Eric informs him they are other teachers and hockey players in that rec hockey league they all play in. He has no idea if anyone recognizes him, but no one has outright said anything or asked for any pictures. That, and sticking close to Eric, has made Jack relax into the party.

“A photographer cat?” Bitty asks as he and Jack make their way to the back porch. Bitty had said that he was getting a little warm and maybe fresh air would do him good. Jack, ever the gentleman, had obliged. Bitty walks ahead of him, just slightly, and Jack’s eyes finally fall to where the bunny tail is. He stares and realizes how obvious he probably is staring. He jerks his gaze back up, up to the cowlick in Bitty’s hair. He focuses on that as they step outside, and he also realizes he probably needs to verbally respond to Bitty’s question, his southern drawl seeming thicker with the more drinks Bitty drinks.

“Yeah, it was Maisie’s idea. She knows I always bring my camera with me, so she incorporated into the costume.” Jack pauses, watching as Bitty sinks down onto an old looking porch swing. Jack worries, briefly, that it might not support both of their weight, but he sits down beside Bitty and though the swing creaks mightily, it holds them both. Jack realizes, he must have been holding his breath. “She said that all knights should have someone taking pictures of them on their adventures,” he adds, smiling.

He likes talking about his daughter. She’s a nice middle-ground for him and Eric—not that he ever really feels a loss for words around the blond man. Even when silence lapses between the two of them, it usually feels comfortable. The only time it does not feel exactly comfortable is when Jack’s thoughts dance down the line of appropriate.

“Why a cat?” Bitty asks a faint shiver to his voice.

“Are you cold?” Jack asks quietly, “we can head back inside?” Jack really wants to stay outside though. It is quieter and easier talking to Bitty without the noises of the party, without the music so loud. He can hear the music still, but it is faint behind the closed door.

“No, no. I’m fine, I want to stay out here a little longer.” Bitty says, and Jack feels the swing move as Bitty shifts his body closer to Jack’s. On instinct, Jack slips an arm around his shoulder. Bitty nuzzles into his side and Jack wonders if he can hear how hard his heart his thudding. He is also aware that he can just faintly make out the smell of whatever shampoo Bitty uses, and maybe some sweat too.

“So, why a cat?” Bitty asks again.

It takes Jack a few seconds to find his voice. He’s happy, really happy, just having Bitty so close to him. Having his arm around his shoulder. He wants more of this. He wants more than this too but Bitty has been drinking all night and is Maisie’s teacher. He has also asked Jack a question, and Jack knows he really needs to stop dazing out tonight.

“Maisie wants a pet cat and a dog,” Jack explains, grinning. “She said she wanted to prove to all of us that she can take care of one. So, I was the cat and Steve the dog, and she took us for a walk. She even fed us some candy-like a good pet parent.” Jack laughs as he finishes explaining and his heart soars as he hears Bitty laughing too.

“Lord, I can just picture her explaining that. All her little arguments,” Bitty says, and Jack notices again just how nice his smile is. Even in the dark. He is so grateful how close they are so that he can see the smile. His brain feels like mush but in a good way. He is hyper-aware of how close they really are, and how easy it would be to close the gap and kiss Eric. Tilt his head down, nudge Eric’s head up a bit and connect.

He really wants to.

“Can I see the pictures of Maisie’s costume?” Bitty asks, his voice sounding thick. Jack swallows.

“Eh, yeah.” He does not want to remove his arm from Bitty’s shoulder, and so does his best to position the camera with both hands and tries not to jostle Bitty’s head too much. He begins scrolling through the camera, showing the pictures he had taken of Maisie, Camilla, and Steve. Smiling as he recounts some of the events from trick or treating. He loves how genuinely interested Bitty is with it all.

“I’ll need to get a picture of you and Shitty tonight,” Jack announces when they are done looking at the photos.

“Then we should head back inside and find that boy,” Bitty says, and it takes a full minute before either of them move to get up. Jack, sad about it, but happy that he has the perfect excuse to get a picture of Bitty in that costume without being too much of a creep about it. His side feels a little colder without Bitty pressed up against it and he hopes they can find their way outside again. He follows Bitty back inside to find Shitty.

[comradeeatspants]

who gaf not everyone likes schlatt's presidential branding?? dteams merch is mostly for children brah 😭

it’s not about the presidential branding it’s about how it’s embroidered and has interesting designs. plus i don’t think things being for kids means you have to sacrifice quality, although i do completely understand why they have the simple designs. i just wish they had some more creative designs and took advantage of their resources and artists that already have cool ass designs

[softboyholland]

mj’s wisdom teeth removal

one day, mj sits down in front of ned and peter at lunch and stares at them both until they look up from their respective sandwiches and at the girl in front of them

“now that i’ve got your attention...”

she tells them that she’s going to get her wisdom teeth removed this weekend and she’s going to need someone to take care of her since basically her whole family is away and she needs a place to crash at for the weekend

peter offers, since they’ve already had like 9827702382189 sleepovers and it would be no big deal

but because ned is a little shit and would love to see mj on drugs, he decides to make it a sleepover

mj doesn’t think much of it because she honestly doesn’t think she’s one of those people

you know, the kind of people who basically embarass themselves

and she also needs a ride to peter’s house from the dentist

and peter becomes her designated driver because why not

anyway

when peter picks her up, she looks like hell but in a totally adorable way

she literally does not give peter any trouble at all until they get into the car

like literally when they get into the car,

she kicks her feet up on the dash and she’s like, “man, i thought that nurse was never going to leave.”

peter looks a little startled but he expected this because, it is mj after all

and then before he can start the car,

“so, let’s talk. woman to man.”

peter gulps

“how are you so fit!!!!”

“what?”

she imitates his voice, “what do you mean, ‘what’? you have like literally washboard abs.”

her hand hovers over his abs

peter is very confused

“that’s right, parker. i’m on to you, you hot piece of ass.”

peter is very surprised

he starts the car and tries very hard to focus on the road and not on what mj had just said but then,

“can you do a hundred push ups?”

“yes.”

“woah!!! a thousand?”

“maybe.”

she punches his arm, “what! that’s so cool!!”

but then she lowers her voice, “i mean, ‘do ya even lift brah?’

oh god this has to be the weirdest day of peter’s life

then, she makes this big ruckus and forces him to pull up on the side of the road.

and he very exasperatedly, asks her, “what?”

she asks him to feel the material of her shirt (which is obviously cotton, duh) and asks him what material is it

but before he can answer, “do you think it’s girlfriend material?”

and then she has the cheesiest look on her face and it’s the cutest thing and peter literally can’t stop smiling oh mY GOD

it’s a downward spiral from there, though

“peter, do you smoke?”

“what? mj, no!”

“because you’re smoking hot.”

somewhere along the way, peter takes out his phone and starts recording, because god, he really wants mj to watch this

“if you were a transformer, you’d definitely be a hot-o-bot.”

“are you copper and telirium? because you are cute.”

at one point, she even takes over recording and starts vlogging at really weird angles

and then peter makes the mistake of turning up the radio

because

“MIDDLE FINGERS UP! PUT EM HANDS HIGH! WAVE IT IN HIS FACE!! TELL HIM BOY BYE!”

and she’s not fucking around because she literally waves her middle finger in front of his face

oh and then he also discovers during that car ride, that mj can rap like hell

she’s also got them moves

and then finally stereo hearts comes on

and OH MY GOD THIS IS THE CUTEST THING GUYS LISTEN

SHE LITERALLY SINGS THE WHOLE SONG TO PETER

ITS THE CUTEST THING

LIKE LITERALLY LOOKS AT PETER AND SINGS IT

OH MY GOD HIS HEART MELTS

and by the time they reach his apartment building, it feels like he’s been on an emotional rollercoaster

she surprisingly coorporates when he gets her up the lift

but the moment she sees may when she walks into the apartment, she hugs may and she’s like “you’re so pretty.”

may laughs it off but then looks at peter like

“:-) ?????”

peter explains everything and then ned gets there

mj goes on the biggest rant about pineapples on pizza

then they have a 20 minute long profound and meaningful conversation about fried chicken

but then she cries a lot after that

because

“I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY TOOK AWAY MY WISDOM TEETH!!! I’LL NEVER BE WISE AGAIN! HOW WILL I EVER BE A WISE OLD WOMAN??? PETER, NED, HOW COULD YOU LET THEM DO THIS TO ME?”

it takes them an hour to console her

and they rewatch the footage of the whole recording once she falls asleep on the reclining chair

they both look at her with the biggest grins on their faces on sunday as they shove peter’s phone in her face and play all the videos

[review-duck]

Life is Strange : Before the Storm Episode 1 : Awake

Repost from previous blog. Warning, Life is Strange and Life is Strange Before the Storm spoilers (not huuuuge spoilers but still, so you do you.)

Last night I was fixating on my ps4, watching the countdown, waiting for midnight croissant-time (Paris GMT) to be able to play Life is Strange : Before the Storm that I pre-ordered (Deluxe version that allows you to have bonus outfits, mixtape mode and a bonus episode at the end with Max). So the clock stroke midnight and I played until 3.30am.

You have to know that when I play, I go everywhere, I talk to everybody, so if you don’t, I guess you can finish it in 2h30.

I was really nervous as I hit « New Game » as I was really expecting it, to learn more about Chloe and Rachel, but knowing it was from a totally different studio and that the Chloe I fell in love with in Life is Strange wouldn’t be the same as her voice actress, Ashly Burch (a.k.a the best voice actress ever, sorry not sorry but a 71hrs platinum of Horizon Zero Dawn and a platinum in the first Life is Strange will do that to you. And Borderlands. And I mean I saved her grandpa and fought Baba Yaga for her in Rise of the Tomb Raider so…) wasn’t able to come back as Chloe. I didn't know that when I pre-ordered it, and knowing the reasons why I kind of regretted giving them money. Link if you want to know more.

So in a mix of fear and excitement I started to play and didn’t stop for almost 4hrs (except for some screenshots and pitiful tweets)

Story

No mosh pit for you shaka brah.

The story begins with Chloe wanting to go to a concert, kind of a playground intro as it shows you the ropes. You make your first graffiti (Chloe’s version of Max’s pictures), you talk to some people, you ponder in front of the fire to think about your shitty teenager life and when you try to enter, you have your first « Backtalk Challenge » which is a list of insults/arguments to help you talk your way into what you want.

So you enter the concert and then you meet your angel, Rachel Amber. And it goes really fast from there.

Basically it’s love at first sight for Chloe, and the next day you ditch school to spend it with Rachel, flirting with her like crazy (if that’s your choice -even if I feel that no matter your choice you end up making a fool of yourself) and that’s basically it. The core of the episode -minus some weird dreams about your dead father and some family drama- was Chloe trying to please Rachel Amber and Chloe falling in love with her and Rachel kind of returning those feelings but when you’re 16, nothing is simple.

Although I liked it, it felt really fast for me. I do believe in love at first sight but this story happening 3 years before the OG Life is Strange, I’m wondering how long the girls are going to spend together before Rachel goes missing. The short life expectancy of the game, being a 3 episodes game, is probably the reason why it’s all happening so fast. I’m kind of wondering if it’s not just a « let’s give the gays what they want right away » as we already know Chloe had a special bond with Rachel. Maybe I would have preferred a slower burn. Even William is on it.

The ending of this episode was kind of predictable, with a question that I read a few times « Did Rachel have powers? »

I stayed away as much as possible from trailers, theories and all but I think it was a legit question to have about DeckNine implementing a supernatural element into Before the Storm or not.

Dialogs

Ugh. Okay.

First of all, the writing.

I know we are playing a 16yo who lost her dad, but some of Chloe’s lines were so cringy it made my heart ache. In the first Life is Strange Max had some « loser-Max » lines that I thought were really funny but in Before the Storm, it looks like they are trying too hard for her to be emo. We know, Chloe is a rebel. But shit.

And in another hand, some lines made me burst into laughter. The scene with Rachel where they invent people’s life was really funny, Chloe’s « flirting » skills felt real and spoke to the 16yo me, and that tabletop game session was one of the best thing I’ve seen in a while (I suspect someone with A.B initials helped write that but I obviously don’t have any proof of that.) written by Christopher Means.

…

Some prime Chloe Price as « People can eat a dick », her love of booty and of course her first mention of « hella » were mandatory but the delivery of those lines. Man.

I’m not going to compare the actors with the previous ones (not only Chloe’s voice actor changed but basically all of them -although I have doubts about Chloe’s mom but she doesn’t have the same Southern accent so…) because it wouldn’t be fair. But in my opinion Chloe’s voice actress, even though I’m sure she did the best she could, was flat. Her delivery was pretty monotone and even if sometimes I was hearing the old Chloe in the musicality of her voice, it wasn’t it a lot of the time. Rachel’s voice was a lot better than I expected for the few images I saw before, but in the end it was really a shame that seeing the characters you once knew and loved/hated meant you wouldn’t be able to hear the characters you once knew and loved/hated.

There was also another problem in the rhythm of the dialogs that were in « cutscenes » (meaning you don’t have a say in them) as there was some latence at some points, like a silence before the second part of a sentence or when someone answers to someone else. I guess it could be fixed to make it a bit snappier and more real.

Characters

Chloe Price

As I said before we meet a younger natural haired colored Chloe, and the roles are kind of reversed with the OG Lis. In Before the Storm, Chloe is the one trying to follow Rachel’s idea, trying to please Rachel, to be cool with the most popular girl in Blackwell. She’s not the alpha to Max’s beta anymore. She lacks confidence, she doesn’t have friends and it pains her.

Rachel Amber

Aaaah Rachel. Rachel Rachel Rachel. We heard so much about you. Blackwell’s most popular girl. You didn’t disappoint. Witty and sassy and sexy. Just like Chloe. It’s kind of difficult to trust her, knowing what we know from the OG Life is Strange, so I’m not giving her my heart just yet (you know, the pics in Frank’s trailer and stuff). Even though the choices were pretty easy to do as we know Chloe loves her (asshole).

Old Faces

Funny to see Nathan being bullied, Victoria being Rachel’s kiss ass, the science teacher and the skater we knew Chloe was familiar with in Lis. And Frank I hope you’ll have some beans.

New Faces

I decided that Eliot is the new Warren. Except he may be Chloe’s bf ? Ex-bf ? He left a note about a two month anniversary and Chloe said her v-card had been punched (that was hilarious btw).

I really liked Stephanie, she was really something. Can I please date her instead? Even if she crushes on Rachel.

We got a new bully, a guy named Drew who bullied Nathan (whom we learned bought his way into the team) and we have a new security guy who makes really good music.

Choices

Before the Storm works on the same mechanics as Life is Strange, meaning you have choices to make. The ones you faced in episode one seemed pretty inconsequential, but I guess the game being a prequel doesn’t give you much options to change the story. Unlike Max, it’s really nice that they don’t torture us after every choice, knowing you can’t undo them. (I’m thinking about the paint on Victoria’s face, whether you chose to take a pic or be nice to her, once you did what you did Max automatically say she should have chosen the other option.) Although you have a very easy way to go back with the « Load last save » option which is an easy way to explore other dialog options or other choices.

But it’s kind of hard when you know what you know. I chose to help Nathan, but it won’t change what will happen in Life is Strange. And I was kind of nice to David even though you can’t betray LiS Chloe as it wouldn’t make sense to have her being super nice to him and then angry in the sequel.

But honestly, the best option of the game was probably being able to pet the dog.

Life is Strange legacy

There were a lots of elements reminding me of Life is Strange (as it should) with a lot of mentions of Max that freaking broke my heart. You are able to see Chloe’s texts and Max not answering (freaking bitch) and you had some nods to the LiS plot as Rachel saying she could just leave at any given moment without telling anybody.

The soundtrack is in the line of the first one but a little bit more rock to fit Chloe’s taste, and the bonus outfit with the design we knew as Max’s was a sweet idea. Some line as a guy wanting Rachel to pose for his portfolio. (I’m obviously not going to list everything)

Chloe is also keeping a journal that she dedicated to Max because she doesn’t want to risk her not answering and damn, my heaaaart. There are a lot of little things screaming « Chloe is gaaaaay » and I honestly wish it was a little more subtle (but nice Blade Runner dream Chloe.)

It’s also difficult as a Pricefield shipper to be totally into it, because in my heart Chloe belongs with Max, someone that truly appreciates her, never used her and because we were Max. So we wanted her to be happy. Even if we knew Chloe loved Rachel. But without Rachel there wouldn’t be a blue haired Chloe Price so I have to put her needs and her young love before my own agenda.

Next episodes From the pictures presenting the two next chapter, we can assume that the girls will go on a roadtrip, probably to try to leave Arcadia Bay. And in the last pic, Chloe is wearing a flannel we all know as the “ready for the mosh pit shaka-brah” shirt and her legendary tri-bullet necklace.

So yeah, it’s a prequel to Life is Strange, from another studio, with new actors, but overall it was pretty decent and I’m looking forward to the next chapter (even though they lose points for using Comic Sans a few times.) I really got the feels at some point, I laughed, I got really emotional during the junkyard scene with the car, and even though it wasn’t perfect, I still want to protect Chloe Price at all costs. So that’s a win. Not a huge win. But it’s one. Quack - Monotony of Chloe’s voice Lots of loading points Things moving too fast between Rachel and Chloe Dialogs lacking rhythm Lines that make you want to stab yourself The graffiti are really easy to find You can’t skip forward in collector mode Too much gay (not subtle enough) Most of the small choices you make just change one line of the other choice Use of Comic Sans The time I had to pause the game because my cat was playing with the biggest spider I’ve ever seen.

Quack + Legacy of the first LiS respected (ost, graphics, nods in the storyline) Better graphics than first game but still in that same line Some hilarious lines The tabletop game You can pet the dog All the gay

[theliterateape]

The Primary Reason I Didn’t Vote in the Illinois Primary

By David Himmel

“The flag should never be displayed with the union down, except as a signal of dire distress in instances of extreme danger to life or property.” —U.S Code 176

I didn’t see the usual “I VOTED” stickers from my darling and my annoying social media friends on Super Tuesday III—as MSNBC was calling it in further effort to make the news feel like a Rocky film. That is due in part because I didn’t spend much time on social media yesterday. I couldn’t afford that time. I was busy with other stuff. But it also could be because a lot of those social media friends didn’t vote, and if they did, things are so goddamn dour now that bragging about running an errand wasn’t worth the energy it takes to frame, filter, and post a pic proving your citizenship.

I also didn’t vote in the Illinois Primary on Super Tuesday III—again, MSNBC’s title for a voting day because MSNBC is run by dorks who get hard and wet over the most mundane but important aspects of American life.

Yep. I’m that guy. I’m that guy who didn’t vote in the most important primary of our lives. Right? That’s what this is, right? Eh. I’m also that guy who is married to a woman who didn’t vote in the Illinois Primary on Super Tuesday III. 

Allow me to digress… Okay, look, I realize that MSNBC didn’t create the Super Tuesday III moniker, but that was the channel my wife had on most of the day as we were holed up in our apartment trying to dodge COVID-19. And I dislike MSNBC almost as much as I dislike FOX News, so I’m easily coerced by my own ego—maybe my id, I don’t know—to take a barely clever shit on its dumb, smug face whenever I can.

Now, back to the important thoughts… I’m that guy who didn’t vote. And I’m that guy whose wife didn’t vote. And I fully expect friends of ours, friends like Rory Zacher to comment on this story or its Facebook post, or to text me and say something to the effect of: “I hope Trump comes into your home, grabs your two-year-old-son by the pussy and builds a wall around your toilet. That’s what you get for not voting.” And that’s fine. Because my son doesn’t have a pussy. Just ask him. He will proudly tell you he has a penis and that “Mommy penis… bye-bye.” And that reminds me… I need to teach my son that a penis is not something that all people have then goes “bye-bye.” That’s sexism. And it only applies, respectfully, to rich trannies.

I’m a politico. I even write and host podcasts for POLITICO. But I didn’t vote. Why? Well, duh…

The primary reason I didn’t vote in the Illinois Primary yesterday—Rachel Maddow’s third best orgasm of 2020—is simple: It wasn’t important.

My vote would not have mattered. Nope. I don’t want to hear it. It wouldn’t have mattered. I would have chosen a Democratic Ballot. Between the job, trying to keep Literate Ape functioning, missing Don Hall like the deserts miss the rain, being an engaged dad and attentive husband, and thinking through two film projects, one novel, and a book of poetry, I did not have the bandwidth to consider those down-ballot elections. I like to think of myself as non-partisan. I would easily vote republican if I thought a republican candidate could do the job right. But if I had voted today, I would have asked for a Democratic ballot, which means I would have ben voting for the best of the most useless so-called liberal. Maybe there were general contests to vote for, I don’t know. Because I mostly don’t care. And I’ll come back to that in a moment. As it relates to voting for the president, well… I’d prefer Bernie. But, if Old Joe Dementia gets the nomination, that’s fine. I know Bernie won’t get done all he wants to get done because he’ll never have the support of Congress required to do it. See, the thing that most people forget is that the president is designed to be the Face, not the Ruler. It’s Congress that makes the difference. And come the general election, I’ll likely vote Democrat all the way down. Except for judges. But that’s a complicated story for another time.

 The primary reason I didn’t vote in the Illinois Primary yesterday—Rachel Maddow’s third best orgasm of 2020—is simple: It wasn’t important.

So even I had voted, it wouldn’t have mattered. Some excited wank aligned with the Democratic Party would be elected over an equally excited wank aligned with the Democratic Party. And then it’ll be a fight to the finish against a republican cocknozzle who wants to be as (un)cool as Devin Nunes. And my vote for Bernie, and my wife’s vote for Bernie, would not have helped keeping him from getting trounced the same way the Houston Astros trounced the rules of baseball. Thing is, if I had voted, I’d feel far more disappointed than I am right now. And you should know, dear reader, that my secondary goal in life is to master disappointment. The first goal is to convince myself, my wife, and every girlfriend I’ve ever had that I was worth the lay.

Yeah, yeah, Zacher, I know, I could have early voted. And I thought about that. “Maybe we should do that,” I said to my wife, Katie. Or maybe she said it to me. But we didn’t. Why? I dunno. Because this primary didn’t matter much in our household, I suppose. And that’s selfish, I know. But we’re white and not broke, and we own a boat, and we have so many friends who can afford in vitro and all that shit—like multiple times, all of them—so what the fuck do you expect from us?

So, the primary reason I didn’t vote in the Illinois Primary is because it wasn’t important. And not just because I don’t care about the flawed system or the sub-basement candidates. But because when I considered the risk of casting a vote for one fuckhead over another at risk of contracting COVID-19, I chose to stay home and have Zoom meetings with co-workers.

But here’s the other thing—that goddamn coronavirus. Yep. I’m not afraid, but I’m not an idiot. I’ve been a healthcare journalist to varying degrees for ten years. I was the editor in chief of Chicago Health magazine for six years. I’m a senior healthcare reporter for POLITICO. I’m not bragging (should I?), I’m just setting the stage to tell you that I’m not an everyday idiot. I’m a special kind of idiot! I recognize this shit is real. It was real the moment it left Wuhan. And really, it was real the moment it left the bat and made its way into the first human, or however the fuck this goddamn thing began.

Katie was sick on Sunday. A slight fever, which dropped quickly, was not the great concern. The great concern was her hydration because she was—how can I put this politely—shitting out of her mouth and pissing out of her ass for a good twenty-four hours. Three days later, she’s still struggling to find her normal. And now our boy has a fever. Tuesday afternoon, he broke through 100ºF with the gusto we all wanted Hillary to break through that glass ceiling. (Alas, another white male out did a woman. Yeah, I’m as perturbed by it as you are, brah/sista.)

Do they have COVID-19? Probably not. But were/are they ill? Yep. And in a time when we know less than almost fuck all about this pandemic, should someone exposed to their snot, breath, and farts venture out to a voting booth, take hold of a communal pen, and breathe on every available surface? Nah. Probably not.

As of this writing, I feel great. My bowel movements are as liquid as they usually are and my ability to breathe is as normal as it usually is, which is to say, I can smell all the farts in my house. The lingering ones… the ones living in the couch cushions, the ones that aren’t mine or Katie’s or Harry’s, but those of some of our dearest friends. You know who you are, couch farters.

My office shut down last week after the news that someone in one of the largest downtown Chicago office complexes was tested positive for COVID-19. The agency I work for has taken some drastic measures to ensure its survival as has almost every single organization in the United States with employees and clients to consider. This shit is ugly. And with each passing day, it look smore and more like a more devastating. I mean, they’ve stopped the money. No NBA. No NCAA. No goddam casinos! When America shuts down it’s money, you know shit is real. This is stranger and more dire and more uncertain than 9/11. And 9/11 was fucking  fucked up. You remember, right?

So I didn’t vote. I’m on a minor quarantine. Since I’m the only person in our household—other than the dog—without any flu-like or ass dynamite symptoms, I’m the one who makes the Walgreens runs and walks that mooch of a dog (whom I love). And as In pass other dog walkers, or the rare jogger or Walgreens runner, we take extra steps aside to avoid each other—three feet at least! And we give a knowing nod to say, “Don’t vote, dude. Those pens are not getting whipped down. I know they say they are, but come on. We all know that’s not true. The wipedowns are dependent on poorly paid democratic (lowercase D, morons, calm down) do-gooders who would rather be at home than have you breathing and coughing on them.”

The outcome of the 2020 election, presidential and every more important down-ballot ticket will not be determined by my staying at home. And if it does, it doesn’t matter. Because even if Old Joe Dementia gets the nomination, even if Trump is reelected, even if Kim Fox marries Jussie Smollet’s straight alter-ego, my vote yesterday—Super Tuesday III when Brian Williams and Rachel Maddow scissor to the tune of Europe’s “The Final Countdown” during Morning Joe, nothing is more important than the health of my family, myself, and my neighborhood. Especially when stacked against our decaying democracy, or whatever the fuck we call this shitshow now.