#context omitted!!! why are they under the table? who knows for now!!!!

[hannie-dul-set]

somehow both my giant ass txt fics (love vomit and nabi) have under the table confession scenes (literally, physically) i have no idea how this happened.

[marshmallow-phd]

Catching Rain

Part of The Untamed - EXO Wolf Universe

Genre: Wolf!AU

Pairing: Minseok x Reader

Summary: You were more than satisfied with your life. You attended a nice college, had nice friends, a nice boyfriend. That’s what your life was: nice. You weren’t looking for anything more, so what were you to do when this seemingly harmless boy walked into your life and turned your nice little world into one much more dangerous?

Part: 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6 I 7 I 8 I 9 I 10 I Epilogue

**

Popcorn ceilings were simultaneously the worst and the best. The crumbs and clusters that fell from above when the upstairs neighbors stomped around or dropped a heavy textbook, shaking the room, were annoying to constantly pick up, especially when they covered the bed. But on mornings like this when you were wide awake at an unfathomable hour, you could stare at the patterns hidden in the ceiling to occupy your mind. You found faces and animals and even the occasional word among the speckles. The game did wonders to occupy your thoughts, letting the time tick by without you constantly checking the hour. However, the nervous churn of your stomach never fully disappeared.

Saturdays were supposed to be fun. A day of relaxation. Even if you were finishing up a project or homework, there was no rush to it. Each step could be taken at a pace that kept you calm and under control. Afterwards, you were free to do whatever your heart felt drawn towards. You could see a movie, take a walk in the park, or even stay cooped up in your dorm to binge the latest TV show. But today would not be one of recreation free from stress. Today, you were meeting up with Minseok. And there was an excitement to that, an anticipation, like you were standing in line to go backstage to meet your favorite band. But there was also a less joyful feeling underneath. Though surely your stomach was empty by now, the nauseated roared on, threatening to overspill. 

“(y/n)?”

Flipping over to your side, you looked over at the other bed in the room. Willa had awoken and sat up, her hair sticking up in all directions like a cartoon. One hand rubbed the sleepiness out of a still closed eye while the other stretched out into the air as far as it would go. A long yawn stopped any other words from escaping so you waited it out. “How long have you been awake?”

You shrugged with your one exposed shoulder. “I don’t know. A while.”

“Yeesh. It’s Saturday. It’s like the holy day of sleeping in.”

You smiled at her exaggeration. “My brain just decided it was done resting.”

“Plans you’re looking forward to, perhaps?”

The question was innocent enough, if a little cheeky. It was Saturday, after all, and you did have the tendency to get so worked up over things that you couldn’t sleep, like a child on Christmas Eve unable to dream in anticipation of the next morning’s surprise. But that didn’t stop the swift panic that made your heart jump. 

“Just a project I really need to get started on,” you lied smoothly as you sat up, turning so your legs now dangled off the edge of the bed. Well, it wasn’t really that much of a lie. But wasn’t it a lie when you omitted part of the truth on purpose? Fingernails digging into the cotton sheets that covered the standard dorm mattress that made your back ache, you contemplated spilling the beans ricocheting in your stomach. You were spared making a decision. 

“Speaking of projects,” Willa yawned. “I’m stuck in another group where I’m sure I’ll be doing most of the work.”

You raised an eyebrow, knowing your friend’s history all too well. “And why do you think you’ll be doing all the work?”

“Because no one seemed interested in what I had to say and trying to get a time to get together was nearly impossible.”

Definite warning signs, but not unusual in a college environment. “Okay. So, make sure you get your work done. Anyone who doesn’t get their part done, take they’re name off of it. No one learns if things come easy and are done for them.”

Willa frowned. “So, you’re saying worry only about myself?”

“Sort of.” You sighed. This was your big issue with group projects. Yes, they were supposed to teach you to work with others (because there wasn’t enough of that in secondary school, apparently) but some professors didn’t care if you tried to get the others to work when they didn’t want or care to and the group suffered for it grade-wise. College in the classroom wasn’t supposed to be about life lessons – it was supposed to be about the material. “Continue to try to get them to cooperate, but if you see after a few times that it’s pointless, drop it. I’m sure someone else in your group will help out, too.”

The pout on Willa’s lips told you that she wasn’t completely on board with your suggestion. “Yeah, okay. I guess I’ll wait it out.”

“Good. In the end, it’s up to you, though.” Jumping out of bed, you headed over to the bathroom you shared with the room next door. After conducting your morning business, you went to the tiny closet and got dressed. “Want to get breakfast?”

“I can’t,” Willa said regretfully. “I’ve got other plans.”

“Okay,” you said, not the least bit hurt. You had offered out of simple politeness. The more time you spent in your friend’s presence, the more tempted you would be to let out the incoherent thoughts that refused to organize themselves in your head. Yanking on a sneaker, you grabbed your keys and bag, waving to Willa as you hurried out the door. 

The student union was nearly deserted. Most who lived on campus were spending this weekend morning logically, which meant the corporate food choices were closed. Thankfully, the university-sponsored coffee shop was open. Already you were being hit with the smells of fresh pastries and dripping espresso. The cashier greeted you with a sleepy smile and waited patiently for you to make a decision. Once that was settled and you’d paid the tab, you walked over to an empty two-person table and sat down. It was only a minute or so later that the barista brought out your coffee and a warm scone. The berries baked within the dough were soft and juicy, leaking onto the surrounding pastry, which in turn soaked up the flavor in an addicting manner. You smiled to yourself with each bite. 

Pulling you out of the bliss, however, was your phone screen lighting up from your peripheral. With a squint, you picked it up and read the message as you chewed. It was from Minseok, once again confirming your ten o’clock meet up time in the library. According to the digital clock located at the top of your screen, you still had about thirty minutes before you needed to head over to the library. You set the phone face down on the table without replying. The thought of seeing him again in a mere few minutes was surging you more awake then the caffeine ever could. But you knew you shouldn’t be feeling this way.

The thing was, nothing was wrong with your relationship with Erik. He was sweet, supportive, caring. He listened and paid attention to you. He was a relationship dream. But it suddenly didn’t feel like enough anymore. Were you simply getting bored? Had you peeked over the fence and seen a greener field? It felt more complicated than that, but you couldn’t put your finger on the cause. Shaking your head, you sat back in the chair and sipped on the cooled off coffee. Maybe you should cancel, make up some excuse that you were sick or that something else had come up. Or maybe you should just tell him the truth that it was a bad idea to spend time with him and his child-like laugh. 

You were absolutely and utterly weak. In a flash, you were picking up your phone and sending a text that you would see him there. You lasted about five more minutes sitting in that shop before you were guzzling down the rest of your breakfast and heading out of the union to the other side of the courtyard where the library sat. It was still early, but it didn’t feel like a bad idea to go ahead and get started – or, at least, look like you’d gotten started. However, you were beaten to the punch. 

Sitting in one of the old donated chairs by the front windows of the library, Minseok flipped slowly through a book, engrossed in its pages. You couldn’t read the title to know what it was about, but the athlete on the front gave you a clue that it might be about soccer. He saw you the second you stepped inside, closing the book and tossing it in his bag. “Hey, you’re early!” The smile spread quickly across his face, letting you know that your arrival well before the allotted time was not discouraged in the slightest. 

A strange, gripping warmth shrouded over you. Like a hug in the middle of a harsh winter, you melted, feeling safe and comforted. An invisible rope made of steel cable was reeling you in closer to Minseok. No saw or knife in the world could sever it, you were sure. Coming here to the library felt like a final choice. Turning back would no longer be an option to you. A dark sea lied before you, but on the horizon, a possible promise of Treasure Island.

“Are you ready?” 

You blinked, having gotten lost in your own metaphor. “Yeah,” you said with a smile. “Ready to learn about math. Yay.” There was absolutely no enthusiasm in your sarcastic cheer, but it made Minseok laugh. The two of you found a round table near the back of the second floor where the reference books were housed. 

“So,” he beamed at you as soon as you were all unpacked, “to finish my thought from last time….”

“Yes! You had an idea!”

“Unless you were able to come up with something you wanted to do?” he offered. You snorted as your reply. He laughed. “I had a feeling.”

“So, then what’s your idea?” you challenged. 

“Marketing.”

You frowned, confused. “Marketing?” You didn’t see the connection. 

“Yeah.” Looking around, Minseok motioned with his head. “Come on.” You followed him away from the table, through several aisles of books until you came to a small corner where worn and peeling covers gave clues to the context between the pages. The titles you could read talked about marketing statistics and “eye-catching strategies”. Pulling a book off the shelf, he held it out for you to see. 

In the Masses Eye.

“What’s this?”

“It’s called old fashioned research.”

You rolled your eyes. “I understand that part. I meant marketing... and this book in particular.”

“I think marketing might be your best angle to go with on this project,” he explained. “There’s a correlation between what people see and what makes them buy a product. A bad picture that isn’t well thought out can deter sales. According to statistics, at least.”

The hinges in your jaw came loose, leaving the bottom half of your mouth hanging open. “How did you come up with that?”

A pink hue flushed on his cheeks. He even seemed to shrink in on himself as his shoulders rose and he leaned up against the shelf. “I like things like this.”

You erupted in giggles, covering your mouth and hiding your face with the book. What was he doing to you? Collecting yourself and searching for a distraction, you pulled a few more books out of their spots and flipped through them without purpose. But soon your eyes caught on to what Minseok was originally saying. Certain pictures stuck out to you, making you stop and take a second look. It was exactly the effect you tried to achieve with your own shots. You smiled, delighted. 

“See what I’m talking about?” Minseok said quietly. He didn’t say it with a cocky tone or snark, just simply inquiring. 

“Yeah,” you nodded. “Yeah, I do. In fact-” A blaring song rang out from your pocket. “Shoot!” You struggled to pull your phone out, having forgotten to put the ringer on silent. It was Erik calling you. “Hello?”

“Hey, babe!” Erik greeted cheerfully. “I know I said I was going to be busy all day, but we’re taking a break so I thought you might want to grab an early lunch.”

“Oh, um.” You looked up at Minseok. He waited patiently during your conversation, lips sucked in and his gaze set on you. But there was also a tension in his stance that you couldn’t understand. It was only now hitting you that you never had that conversation with Erik. You never told him that you were even doing this extra credit, never mind who was helping you. Right now did not seem like a good time to go into those details. “I… can’t. I’m kind of already knee-deep in this project and if I stop now then I’ll lose traction. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. I understand. Maybe we can grab something tomorrow?”

“Um, sure. I’ll let you know.” You hung up without saying goodbye, needing desperately to end the awkward exchange. Quickly turning the ringer to silent, you clumsily shoved the device back in your pocket. An odd tension hung in the air between you and Minseok, neither sure of how to continue the earlier conversation. 

“So, was that your boyfriend?” Minseok finally asked in a quiet tone. He made “boyfriend” sound like a curse word. 

“Erik,” you confirmed with a nod. “He’s an artist. Right now he’s working on the sets for the theatre department.” You weren’t sure why that information needed to be shared, but it was out before you could think. 

Minseok bobbed his head, but you had a feeling he was only half-listening. “You guys been together long?”

“A few years.”

“Ah.”

Something along the lines of defeat seemed to glaze over his eyes as they shifted to the floor. You didn’t like seeing him in this state. A pain manifested itself in your chest. You certainly preferred the happier, more enthusiastic Minseok who bounced on his feet in constant excitement and tilted his head to amplify his attention. That constant feeling of guilt had done a one-eighty on you. Now instead of feeling it towards Erik, you felt it for the person in front of you. On their own, your fingers reached out. They hovered in the empty space, unsure of the right move. You longed to caress his face in comfort. But that would be inappropriate; crossing a line that should have been a mile wide. Yet stepping over it seemed as easy as stepping over a shallow creek.

You willed the power to pull back and let your hand drop to your side. Minseok, however, still managed to take some contact, brushing his fingers against the back of your hand as he took the books from you. An electric shiver ran up your spine. When his skin was gone, you almost whimpered. You questioned how well your fingers would fit in the spaces between his own. And if that electricity would go on forever at the prolonged contact. 

“We should get back to the project.”

“Right.” You cleared your throat. Hiding in this back corner was giving your brain ideas and following down paths that were clearly unmarked, dangerous even. 

Back at the table, the two of you worked on the project, bouncing around ideas of how to use the statistics of marketing that the resources gave and applying it to your own photography. A few hours later, you had the full back bone of your project completed. All you needed was to break down the expressions and equations that would back your claims. But your brain was done for the day. However, that didn’t mean you were done with Minseok. 

“You know, I just realized I don’t know much about you,” you said as you packed away your things. 

Minseok shrugged as he gathered up the books to put back in their homes. “I’m not sure if there’s much to know.”

“Everyone has something worth knowing.”

“Touche.” The smile was coming back. Good. Perhaps it was selfish, but you were feeling lighter due to his own lifting mood. “But I don’t know where to start. I mean… I’m a math major-”

“That I already knew,” you laughed.

“Right. Um….”

“Do you live on campus?” you offered as a starting point. 

He shook his head. “No. I live out of town, a ways out. My friends and I live in a farmhouse in the woods.”

“A farmhouse in the woods!” you exclaimed. That sounded like a dream. Or the setting of a YA novel. “How many of you live there?”

“Including me? Twe- Nine.”

You were confused as to why he suddenly changed numbers, but the sad look that was here and gone in his eyes made you think it was best not to ask. “Nine? Wow. Isn’t that crowded?”

“Sometimes. But really, it's more comforting than anything. We’re like brothers so it doesn’t feel as overwhelming as it sounds. Although, sometimes I do really need the quiet.” The Minseok from before the phone call was nearly completely back. The weight was dropping from your shoulders as you saw the tension leave his. 

“Where do you go then? When you need quiet?”

He smirked. “I go for a run. In the woods.”

The wolf from the clearing flashed in your mind, as well as the campers who were attacked. “Isn’t that dangerous?”

Minseok shook his head. “Not for me. I know those trees pretty well.”

You scoffed. Boys and their confidence. 

Standing up and throwing your bag over your shoulder, Minseok walked you out of the library, telling you more about his roommates, mostly about Jongdae, his hot headed best friend. In turn, you told funny stories about you and the shenanigans Willa dragged you into. So lost in the conversation, you stayed standing in the middle of the courtyard. You should have said goodbye, but you kept putting it off, bringing up new subjects to keep talking.

“Minseok!”

The two of you turned to see a small group of students coming your way, one waving their arm in the air with extreme enthusiasm. Minseok cringed as they came up, scratching the space behind his ear. He gave off the air that being caught like this was the last thing he wanted, even if the scene was innocent enough. 

“You didn’t tell us that you were going to be here today,” the tallest boy said. He had a jolly, lopsided smile and ears that stuck out. 

Minseok shrugged. “I forgot.” His eyes flickered over to you. “Oh, um, guys, this is... (y/n). (y/n), this Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Sehun, and Jongin. They’re some of the friends I live with.”

“Oh!” You lit up at being able to meet a few of the roommates. “Hi! It’s nice to meet you!”

“You, too!” the one who Minseok pointed out as Baekhyun said. He eyed Minseok suspiciously, a sly grin on his face. “We were going to get some lunch. Do you guys want to join us?”

You opened your mouth to accept the invitation, but Minseok beat you. 

“Actually, we were just saying bye.”

You looked at him, confused. Sure, technically you were done working on the project, but you were enjoying this down time after the fact. He hadn’t seem like he wanted to part either. At least, before his friends showed up. 

Jongin seemed to catch on to the contorted expression on your face. “Are you alright?”

It took you a second to absorb his question, but when you did, you slapped on a fake smile. “Yeah, of course. I’ve got to meet up with my boyfriend, but thank you for the invite.”

“Maybe another time.”

“Yeah, maybe. It was nice to meet you, though.” You gave a slightly less enthusiastic expression to Minseok. “Thanks again for your help. I’ll see you later.”

He gave you a small wave. “I’ll see you later.”

You walked away, shoulders drooping. The switch that happened before your eyes made your head hurt, like whiplash. Was Minseok… embarrassed to be seen with you? You didn’t think there was anything particularly shameful about you. But what else would make him not want you around for lunch with the very people he was talking about mere minutes before with joy and laughter? It didn’t make any sense. All you could focus on was the shut down. As you headed for the theatre, you tried to tell yourself that there was no reason to be upset. He was not your close friend. He was merely a… tutor, for lack of a better word. And that’s all he would be, apparently. 

You approached the theatre doors, unsure of where else to go. If you thought your feelings were stirred up this morning, now they felt like they were stumbling off the world’s most twisted roller coaster, unable to even stand on their own. Just how bruised would you be when you finally fell down?

[bobasheebaby]

Cordonia 101- Cordonian Ruby chapter 8

Pairing: Olivia x Bastien; Ruby Rys x Beau Larkin; Jo Ellen Larkin (OC)

Word count: 1,849

Warnings: a touch of angst

Summary: The family readies themselves for the battle to come.

A/N: When I was writing the chapter that was omitted I created a lot of the history for Cordonia and Auvernal in this series. I had written that chapter long before it was revealed that Isabella was the one with the royal blood, in this series Bradshaw is the one with the royal blood and you will learn in this chapter why he covets Cordonia so badly.

A/N2: I tried to remain mostly vague when describing the map in this chapter and that’s mostly because when I looked at the map from TC&TF I realized that many places were off from where I cannoned them. Lythikos as I see it is not surrounded on three sides by water the way Abanthus was. This is the way I canon the history since we never learn much concrete from TC&TF, RoE, TRR, TRM and TRH about the exact forming of Cordonia or where duchies are located.

A/N3: Lovett took over, I have zero control over him and well I’m lucky I was able to take back over. This kid is a serious pain in the ass but I still love him.

A/N4: A major thanks @sirbeepsalot for all your graping, prereading, editing, and telling me when to let go. I love you boo! Thank you to my snippet reader @loveellamae who screamed appropriately.

Series warnings: character death, blood, surgical procedures done by non medical personnel, may go NSFW in the future. May contain gun violence, knife violence, threats, not sure how dark this will go. By requesting to be tagged you acknowledge you are at least 18 years of age.

Let me know if you want to be added or removed from the taglist.

Disclaimer: I own Ruby, Galen, Lovett, and Beau, I’m borrowing Bastien and Olivia from PB.

“Are you sure Mama Jo doesn’t mind?” Ruby asked, worrying her lip, “I can find time to do both …”

“Ruby, she’s excited, she wants to surprise us. She said we had more important things to worry about than something as trivial as planning a wedding.”

“I wouldn’t say our wedding isn’t important … I don’t want her to think I don’t care …” she idly twisted her ring. Her heart pounded in her chest, she didn’t want his mother to think their wedding wasn’t just as important to her.

“RuRu, relax.” Beau covered her hand with his, stilling her movements, a soft smile spreading over his lips as she met his eye. “She only meant compared to saving a country from a dictatorship. Trust me, Mom knows and loves you. She’s over the moon about you joining the family and the fact that she gets to plan a ‘surprise wedding’ as she calls it. The only thing she’d tell me was that it’s going to be held at Nan and Pop’s.”

“That’s perfect.”

“That’s exactly what I told her. Now, tell me everything I need to know about Cordonia, this asshat, and the country that grew the asshat.”

Ruby fought to keep a straight face. “Did you really just call King Bradshaw asshat?”

“I’d say Asshat suits him better,” Beau replied with a shrug.

Ruby shook her head as her hands smoothed out the large worn map. “Okay, so Mama said that originally Cordonia was five separate kingdoms; well actually more than five but the first five, Abanthus, Fydoria, Stormholt, Bellmere, and Ebrimel were united under one queen, Queen Kenna Rys.” She pointed to five large duchies on the map. “They are now known as Lythikos, Krona, the Capitol, Castelsarreillan, and Portavira.”

Beau nodded for her to continue as she raised her head.

“Aurelia, the Blackspine Mountains, and an area called the Foundry were later united under Kenna’s leadership forming the entirety of Cordonia.” She circled three large areas on the map with her finger. “They formed Ramsford, Domvallier, and several other duchies.

This,” she pointed to a large country across from Cordonia, a large span of ocean the only ‘border’ between, “is Auvernal. That’s the country that King Bradshaw is from.

Auvernal was called The Iron Empire or Ductoria when Kenna united The Five Kingdoms.

Ductoria was led by Empress Azura. She was called ‘She Who Shines Brightest’ or ‘Her Radiance’ by her people.

Mama said there are a lot of stories about The Five Kingdoms, Blackspine Mountains, and Ductoria that include wielding powers of fire, powers of electricity, and even humans who could transform into dragons.

It was said that Empress Azura had powers and ruled Ductoria for over one thousand years. She was able to maintain both her youth and abilities by siphoning the life force from her subjects who saw it as an honor to give their life for hers.”

“She sounds twisted.”

“She does. Fifty years before Kenna united the Five Kingdoms Azura approached each of the leaders and ‘peacefully offered’ a share of Ductoria’s wealth if they pledged allegiance to her. The leaders declined and Azura declared war against the Five Kingdoms which Mama says was the beginning catalyst for Kenna to unite the kingdoms.”

“Okay, twisted and power-hungry, bad mix.”

Ruby fought back a giggle. “Very bad mix. So Ductoria and the Five Kingdoms fought for fifty years before Kenna united them. The king of Abanthus had tried to ‘unite’ the kingdom’s in his own way, though he used force. After uniting the kingdoms, Kenna was able to defeat Azura with the help of Azura’s daughter and heir, Lia.”

“Wait, Azura’s daughter helped Kenna?”

“Yes, she wasn’t power hungry like her mother and saw the importance in each life. She was said to also possess abilities though she rarely used them, and never the way her mother did. After Kenna killed Azura, Lia pledged both her allegiance and her wealth with no stipulations.

Just as Cordonia grew and prospered under Kenna, Ductoria grew and prospered under Lia.”

“But Ductoria is known as Auvernal now.”

“Yes, one of Lia’s descendants changed the name to distance the country from Azura.

Mama and Papa said that every year there was a Five Kingdoms celebration to honor Kenna and her allies who helped end the violence with Ductoria and unite the kingdoms. The stories of magic and dragons were told through every generation.

Queen Eleanor, King Liam’s mother, and my grandmother was from Auvernal and just as Cordonian children learned the history through stories of magic wielders and dragons, so did Auvernalese children.

Eleanor said some of the stories told about Kenna and Azura were told in a much darker context. To some, Kenna was the villain who took their majestic empress and left them with one they deemed weaker.”

“So that’s what Asshat was told, that Kenna was the villain and Azura was what, an innocent victim?”

“Most likely, apparently to some the magical abilities that Azura was said to have were revered and just as she had compared herself to a goddess, so did some of her subjects who of course passed it on through the generations.”

“So all of this, your parents dying, all the devastation Cordonia faced since then was because of a ‘wrong’ committed centuries ago?”

“That’s what Mama and Papa believe. We can’t know for sure why Bradshaw was so determined to have a betrothal alliance that he then murdered my parents, but they suspect that Bradshaw was merely using the alliance to gain Cordonia and when my birth parents refused … he killed them.”

“Shit, okay. How do we do this?”

Ruby blew out a breath, she’d been asking herself the same question since deciding to reclaim her country and birthright. “I’m not sure. … Mama said knowing the past would help us unearth any weaknesses. She also said she had some loyal contacts who should be able to help us understand the current state of Cordonia which will help us in planning.”

“So,” he pulled her into his lap, “after you Kenna his ass, then what?”

“Then you and I get to decide what we want.”

“No matter what you choose I’m in, all in, always.”

- - -

“Awesome! Swords!” Lovett exclaimed as he tore across the basement they used for training.

“Lovett, remember, they are weapons.”

“And they should be treated with respect.” Lovett heaved a sigh as he dropped his outstretched arms to his sides. “But it’s not like these are real.”

“They can still really hurt someone, remember my cracked ribs?” Ruby said, ruffling his dark auburn hair.

“Oh yeah, I think Beau was more upset than you were.”

Ruby shrugged, “wasn’t my first broken bone, probably won’t be my last. Besides you know what Mama always says.”

“If you can breathe, you can stand. If you can stand, you can fight.” Lovett replied, standing prouder and straighter with every word.

“So do you really think a few cracked ribs could keep me down?”

“I guess not,” Lovett replied with a shake of his head. “So … swords … are we dueling? Can I duel Ruby?” His dark smokey eyes sparkling with excitement as he bounced on the balls of his feet.

“We are dueling. Papa and I thought it best you go against Beau while Ruby faces off against Papa,” Olivia said, lifting a practice sword from the table. “Papa and I are still trying to form a strategy, but I remember from a ‘friendly’ visit to Auvernal that Bradshaw is more bark than bite, so being able to duel might come into play.”

“What do you mean ‘he’s more bark than bite’?” Ruby questioned, the more she knew about her opposition the better.

“Your mother and I went on a little ‘girls trip’ that Bradshaw’s wife Isabella planned. It was merely a show of their strength, nothing more than a thinly veiled threat while trying to humiliate your mother. Isabella failed, your mother was more capable than many of the court had thought.

Over the course of the evening we learned that while Bradshaw would brag about his medals he won, that he had never seen battle. I’m sure as the crowned prince he had learned to duel, but he is arrogant and I’m sure he would be an easy enemy to defeat one on one.

While Ruby is the rightful ruler and would make the challenge, Bradshaw is a sexist piece of shit who will likely refuse to duel against a girl. As her spouse, the role would fall to you Beau, so we need to make sure neither of you are rusty.”

- - -

Ruby shifted in closer into Beau’s warm embrace, in a few short weeks they’d be leaving Texas behind and heading toward an uncertain future. In that moment everything felt safe and perfect, snuggled into his side encapsulated in his woodsy scent, her brothers sitting on the floor laughing and joking.

Would she and her brothers still have moments where they could be happy and free or would everything change the second they all boarded the plane? So many questions hung in the air nearly casting her decision to reclaim her birthright in doubt.

“Ruby,” her youngest brother's voice pulled her from the depths of her thoughts. “Are you and Beau going to have babies now?”

Ruby stifled a groan, she knew she’d be getting asked that soon enough, but from her younger brothers? “That’s not polite to ask Lovett, not everyone who gets married wants kids and sometimes those who do can’t and the question just reminds them of what they wanted and couldn’t have.”

“Oh …” The silence hung just long enough that she thought the subject was dropped. “Well you guys do, right? Why aren’t you planning the wedding Ruby?”

The urge to scream and tell her brother all the ways he was being rude bubbled up. “My mom thought Ruby and I had enough on our plate.” Ruby looked up at Beau with a grateful smile.

“Okay, but —”

The doorbell chimed breaking through the awkwardness. “I’ll get that,” Ruby said as she quickly stood, thankful to be pulled away from her brother’s incessant questions, though she could sense him following close behind her.

Ruby opened the door, her eyes quickly sweeping over the unfamiliar man on the other side, “Can I help you?”

The stranger’s mouth fell open in surprise as he took in Ruby’s blonde hair and  sparkling sapphire eyes. Olivia wasn’t kidding.

Ruby’s brow furrowed as the man stared unspeaking and slack-jawed. “Wolf, go get Mama.” She casually moved her hand around her hip as she heard her younger brother rush off.

“You’re a spitting image.”

“Should I know you?” She asked, her hand ready to pull her hidden dagger. He didn’t seem to be a threat, but the way he left each of her questions unanswered left her on edge and ready to act.

“Sorry, I’m just …” he brushed his shaggy chestnut locks from his face. “I wasn’t expecting …”

“Do you have a name?”

“I’m Drake … I knew your dad.”

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[thecrenellations]

Return of the Thief Notes, Part One: The Book of Pheris, Volume I

Notes from my first read, October 2020. (Part Two | Part Three | TaT)

Contents:  "So, so, so” watch, Costis watch, swearing, trashing the king’s attendants, being objectively wrong, boundless enthusiasm and love 

I promise I’ve had more developed thoughts since these often incoherent ones, but I’ve enjoyed having these notes to refer to - for sentimental reasons and for  entertainment, so here they are, for others who enjoy liveblogs and/or being whisked back in time to their first read of this wonderful book.

Format: Page number. My thoughts (Context?)

Dedication, Table of Contents, Exordium:

There it is – to Sounis

Exordium – vocab #1

Interregnum?!? Alyta?

Pheris!!!

Yeah I love him from the first page

MOIRA

MOCKING COMMENTS HELP! Gen lives!

A new level of unreliable narrator

Moira, messages of Gods, Pheris, messages of __

Wtf is going on in this study? A zoo?

high king vs great king vs annux?

okie dokie dude

Chapter 1

1. Susa – Costis

2. Infirmity – who gets to be hero/tell story (I started reading right after the book launch, in which mwt spent some time talking about her writing influences and decisions connect to this question - Pheris isn’t her first disabled protagonist and storyteller, of course, but it was lovely to meet him properly directly after hearing her talk about it. Book launch foreshadowing part 1...)

Melisande?

Is this why he wasn’t taught to read?

3. Always the summer

Bees!

4. Hunting cat… hm…

Ok … shrine … 😬

5. Once again we start with a disaster or having to flee

Which Eugenides precipitated

Bite!

Little monster :(

6. Falling…

:(

7. :( :( :(

His purpose? D:

8. YIKES

Chapter 2

9. Hello there! (Gen!)

Massive chair?

10. CRACKED WATER JUG (amphora motif???)

11. Triangle from seal!

Gen that’s rude to Pheris :( (“He will fit in very well with my attendants”)

Wait. This must have happened before ACoK! (nope)

12. :(

Xikander … never made an impression before

How old is Pheris? (lol)

13. Philologos come thru!

Royal closet reappears!

14. Hello weird secondhand scene!

He is Eugenides

Marina…

15. Petrus? GALEN? OH SHIT! 

Is this why Galen was called? (nope)

16. Hell yea Petrus

Miras’ golden balls oh no

All these previously unnamed sucky attendants!

17. Ula – goddess of hearth and healing

Ok … Galen … or a god? Eugenides????? (why did these options occur to me before Mr. Shows Up At Your Bedside At Night himself)

18. Finally the attendant floor plans I crave + hunting scenes!

19. EXCUSE ME he slept through Sounis + Eddis wedding!!!

Again – high king!

20. So Ion is beautiful … hmm.

Yeah … Sejanus has facets. I like it.

21. Clearly no one would know what king would do … lol

Don’t mind me just sorting the attendants on a spectrum of awfulness!!!

22. SO SO SO – ION!!!!!

How many fucking attendants are there and how many are on my hit list!

Is “the necessaries” bathrooms or like … him stealing? (just the bathrooms ... the Gen-Pheris parallels were really getting to me at this point)

:(

23. OH MY GOD THE UNIFIED CREST

Also … frogs. Frogs.

24. Big day for Gen huh

Definitely an aura of Something as he writes about Gen

25. HELLO EVERYONE

26. Sorry Kamet, Pheris does the physical descriptions better. They’re beautiful

I’m blacking out at Eddis and Sounis

27. Jesus Christ. The bear.

Cousin time!

Under the table is the new up on the roof!

Uh… twin imagery ….

Gen’s feet!

Jesus. The matching

28. Cleon … wtf? A cousin?

A trial for Sophos?

Show! Us! Sophos’s! Shoes!

29. If u throw things out the air shaft you might hit the king

Was it a chicken?

Lol nvm the guy at night is Gen. That is … very sweet

- Showing up at night

- Accent

- Complaining about Petrus

- Swearing

- One hand

I am judging Costis and Sophos for not describing the paneling in Gen’s room!

Chapter 3

30. Was it a chicken?

An earring huh, good hand huh

31. Literally screaming “NO!” at Gen. Don’t joke about dying! I am killed by Gen on annux day. This is. My boy. Yes he is perfect. Yes he will refuse to get up. I love him. I died on page 31

Philologos is still the best of them

32. Dancing bear indeed

Always the powdered gold

Ruby!!!!! <3

Aww a smile!!! <3

Pheris he likes you!

33. They both love invisibility and lost it … I cry

Erupt like the sacred mountain excuse me!

OR WORSE return to bed! Lol

34. He’s Eugenides when he’s talking to Attolia

Ouch hero talk

! from Irene!

My queen!

Hey Phresine!

They way we do <3 he’s hating it but he’s so comfortable with her

Sister and bro mention! C’mon!

I love them

EYEBROW

35. Honestly that’s a yes (“I have no idea what you mean, my queen”)

It’s so cute they hang out in the morning … like how long was it even since they’ve seen each other lol

:( tough walk for Pheris

Is it prophecy time?

Lol how long does this construction take?!

Also … she’s pregnant, huh? but no one knows (nope)

Is befriending someone weaponized as a prank count for Gen’s enemies to friends list?

Also SHOW ME the magus. I know he’s here!

36. Pheris excuse me, why not recreate this!

Lol cast off language of history indeed

Feel the thrum of the goddess!

EXCUSE ME… a minor goddess? Mystery goddess? Or Philia?

Oh Gen

37. Well, Gen, someone is having a worse day than you.

Damn, how far we come.

Aww Sounis, babe, I love you and so does Gen

[drawing of the four of them sitting in a row]

38. Artadorus???? Pomegranate?

39. HEIRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A friend! Also lol. Two smiles, for Pheris and Heiro..

40. Yesss Melheret joke in action.

Costis has left tho right?

Jesus, Melheret

SHE GAVE HIM A HORSE (I COULD NOT DEAL with this entire conversation, but then again I could not deal with this whole book.)

41. I love them all so much

“on that horse, you will look like a king” I can’t with her sense of humor

He sure did say that

I feel like I’m missing something with the fight on foot thing … remembering battles?

Helen called him Gen!

Sophos stop talking about yourself and bringing apricots into everything lol

Lol these bystanders don’t know how lucky they are. Nor does Pheris, yet

42. She’s protecting him

Also … Gen … you didn’t want to be a soldier.

43. Guards have capes

2 startled men … hm …

Oh Gen. The fucking brutal echoes…

44. :( :( :(

Gen tell your wife you’re sick!

The attendants are so dumb

45. So, so, so :(

Tell who? Petrus?

Wink!

Yes?

46. Bleeding! Salt! Lemon! Heck no! What is he, a piece of meat?

Oranges?

47. “savoring each bite as if it were my last” ... Same … but with this book

Hmm… Alyta! Goddess of the gentle rain! (despite this “hmm,” I did not put the pieces together)

48. Oh no Teleus! And someone?

Aw he realized <3 lemon water

49. Gen eat your broth lol

50. I love them.

Ion’s really trying to make up for what he did that one time

51. Without the approval of the great goddess HAHAHA

I love them. Cousin time! Growl?

Idk whether or not to be reassured, Gen.

Wow Cleon I do not like that. Also didn’t he die? (...)

Comma (“I am not, Eddis”)

Go smack him!

52. Gen I love you.

Helen I love you.

He’s so bad at self care but I love him

Chapter 4

55. love that our narrator just disappears and reappears

56. Attolia’s brother’s bedroom? Yikes. Ominous. A detail in a story we’ve already gotten, different every time <3

57. fucking attendants. 3 good ones. Medander you were beneath Costis’s notice before but I hate you. Costis didn’t have time for you or Xikos or Xikander and nor do I

58. interesting pawn talk!!!

59. <3 Pheris :(

The Gen comparisons though

:( :( :( :(

60. flamboyance <3

Cemphora bush

Bees

61. I love him

62. I love them

Also lol “Your majesty?”

63. Name … hm … (“I have deliberately omitted [my tutor’s] name here”)

64. more twin imagery I swear

WAIT … it was his birthday! Not just Annux day?!! Gen was born in late summer???

Attendant list thank you

65. laying it all out there, huh … (that one Gen quote)

Lol they’re the same but Pheris likes horses

66. Insellia! Hello nice to meet you

67. Gen that’s mean. (“He is hardly even half of one.”)

68. Coleus leves???

“I am Eugenides.” <3

Gen why

69. Gold cups???? Hmmmmm. Also lioness. Def invoking Costis. (they’re probably not the cups, but STILL)

Earth….

70. Moira! Hi!!! Rainbow shawl!

Like a rabbit!

Pester!

I’m … very sad he uses his Attolian accent with Helen

71. Aaah so good

Mortals

Moira knows another messenger?

Does he think he can’t die in battle?

72. hmm are they WRANGLING?! (Galen and Petrus and my Fire and Hemlock word association)

Kill that pastry Irene I love you

morning training with his … guard? (Is that the whole guard or a guard? Costis senses tingling once again.)

73. Oh gen.

Ouch! (“to send people to their deaths and not risk my own is contemptible”)

Is she implying he’s paying Therespides?

74. Interesting Cleon plan. So many doubles

OUCH. (“Only if he comes back from the dead.” I assumed Lader had died in the war; it’s a different ouch now. I love that they both accidentally say things to each other that poke old wounds, and it’s not a big deal but it’s also not dismissed! Their relationship has come so far, and I love them so much.)

75. Verimius – Lavia – Celia??? Somebody is queer in there!

A GUARD

This scene confuses me. Xortix? Layteres? Aris! but dice thing is less political … so maybe? (just wait....)

76. So many reasons to hate Medander

Hey Costis! You exist! KoA happened!

Gen is just … still so uncomfortable and miserable. He chose, he has people, but still.

RIP Clopius also WHAT

77. Lol Hilarion’s grand statements

78. Yorn Fordad Hello!

Luxurious mustache

The mighty Pents?

Besin Quedue – she’s coming 4 you watch out

79. RIP Baron Hippias

Chapter 5

80. Spring! Plays! Cenna!

81. Oh dear

Oh dear

At least they said he was pretty

83. ?!? :( wine

Uh oh. Stockpiling

85. What even.

AAAAAAAAAH COSTIS

86. Omg Irene. Hissing. I love her.

Also … Gen’s the viper

Also this scene was written by Pheris.

Damn.

87. oh no.

What better man

She fucking quoted Howl. I love them.

Also, bees (this scene killed me)

90. Falling?

Oh shit

Also … Juridius and Pheris, Susa and Costis (comparing demands for information)

93. oh my god (IT’S THE WINDOW SCENE)

Oh my god

Uh

94. She! Called! Him! Gen!

I love this and it scares me

Lol Chloe

Irene you learned from her though

95. D:

96. :(

97. water stuff

98. what the heck

OH NO (Quedue scene)

Hm

100. yikes

Omg

Wow.

102. yikes yikes YIKES

103. a blade has protruded from his chest (tbt to The Thief)

jesus

106. shit

Did Gen hit him?

108. lol Phresine

109. lol

I want genuinely every character’s reaction to this shit

Chapter 6

111. what the heck Gen.

112. like a god [crown doodle]

114. Perma?

116. Gen. Gen. Gen. Do not.

117. AAAA (god intervention)

122. Juridius to Dite

124. bye Iolanthe and Ileia! Tell us about Caeta and Silla.

125. did not expect so much Ion

Chapter 7

127. Fryst god of winter

She laughed!

They’re so married

128. OH SHIT (Costis ship is sighted and I remember what’s about to happen next)

Interesting timing

He rode the horse home?

131. Beauty and good, beauty and kind

134. The gods’ goodwill

Keep them safe <3

135. Is that his MOM?!! Wtf (it was!)

Pheris steal those earrings!!!

RING! SMASH BOX!

137. AMPHORA EARRINGS (and flowers)

138. I love Phresine

139. Why do I feel like all the game birds are pigeons

140. meanwhile Gen’s been hanging out with Kamet. Shit. I cannot.

WELCOME HOME BOYS!

HELL YEAH KAMET ATTEND THOSE MEETINGS!

RELIUS COME THRU

141. lethium soup! The reversal

Safe for you

142. of course he knew <3

143. Kamet time! I love him. We get to see Kamet!!!

Also … echo of Gen’s notes on Mede

145. very handsome. … gaycostis vindication (referring to @costis’s url at the time and this post. Little did I know what else was to come in the next chapter and then a few months later with the adaptation news...)

Do you know who I am?

Chapter 8

147. Of course he’s a cartographer

A favorite huh

148. of course she didn’t tell us his age!

149. the angsty window staring I crave

Music!

151. adventure, huh

I do have a soft spot for Melheret

152. concerned about amphora gift

153. Glad they can be well and united in spite!! (Gen and Melheret)

154. Pheris loves math and I love him

155. Hello Teleus. Hello olives

Lol Relius is not into math

156. pigeons. Inkpot!

157. yeah honestly. He tortures people. He was NOT tortured by the king

159. lol (“I have noted the elective nature of certain behaviors” ... I love Relius and Pheris.)

160. The Invitation! I <3 it

161. EXCUSE ME WHO

Legarus!

FOLKS HERE WE ARE (I cannot overstate how wonderful it was to read this page. I did not know who the poem was from, and “Someone loves me very much, even with all my faults” is even sweeter to reread, but it’s just ... his confidence is so different from the tentative consideration of a new philosophy of trust and love we see in KoA. And there is subtextual queerness in the books before this one, some more apparent and some more subtle (and what is obvious to one reader may be subtle or invisible to another, in these books especially), and there is the attendant love triangle a few chapters back, but HERE - here, Pheris acknowledges the real feeling and love in Legarus’s disastrous relationship and tells us directly that his lover was a man, here he seamlessly makes it clear how bi and poly Relius is, and he quietly ties these relationships and realities to his growing understanding of the world. It’s not subtext. And there’s a lot more to come, but this page really hit me, and sort of promised the “more to come” while assuring me that what had come before, more subtly, was there. I used to have heteronormative readings of both these books and myself, and when Thick as Thieves brought them crashing back into my heart after years away, I knew better about myself, and I saw that - or the possibility of that reading -  reflected in the new book, and it was such a good surprise. It meant a lot, and this page meant a lot, and that is why I’m writing a small essay to accompany this note.) 

Lol wow

162. Where are you traveling, man (this question remains)

163. Fuck you, Orutus

164. Stole an inkpot!

165. the map!!! (Kamet’s)

166. I love them!

167. The Math Master hmm

Am I an oracle (Nope! :) )

[bbq-hawks-wings]

BBQ gripes about fanon Hawks

Not even gonna put this in the character tags aside from the spoiler one I use just for the anime-onlies on my blog. I'm salty. I just wanna vent. I want to keep the general character tags fun because it was awful when I went looking for new content and found so much Not Fun material a while back; and I don’t want to become what I hate. Basic point - my blog, my vent, and unless it’s reblogged (which you are welcome to if you like) this post dies here.

Please know this isn't a callout post or me claiming that others are being fans of Hawks "wrong" because they disagree with me. I am a huge proponent that (with very few exceptions) fiction and fandom should be free to be enjoyed, reinterpreted, or otherwise indulged in however the individual fan prefers; and if I don't like it, I let them have their space and go do my thing elsewhere and leave them alone (hence why this not going in character tags). I just have been annoyed with the rampant mangling of Hawks' canon  personality/characterization - that is, confusing common fanon interpretations of him with how he’s actually written/portrayed and then getting angry (like, actually-angry-spilling-into-publicly-dragging-real-people, not just disappointed) when he acts like canon Hawks in canon. Non-canon is open season and by and large has my blessing, it’s just frustrating when it gets dragged into discussions about the manga. 

This has been going on a long time, but I just want to get it out of my system in my personal space. All this is, is my "Overthinking Tumblr blogger Shakes Fist at Cloud" moment.

#1 Hawks is a sociopath/unempathetic.

I just... I... You can't be reading the same manga I am if you genuinely come to this conclusion about who he is in canon. A man with nothing to gain by looking like this when considering the depths of the suffering inflicted on others that he bears some amount of responsibility in...

...cannot be called unempathetic.

"But he killed Twice and Best Jeanist!"

Twofold counterargument to this one, starting with BJ - we don't actually know he's dead. There's a body, there's a disappearance, and we have no idea wtf happened, but we also don't know wtf happened. It's drastically ooc for Hawks to murder someone in cold blood. For someone who places emphasis on speed specifically "because when two sides keep fighting and won’t give up, someone eventually has to die" it makes no sense for him to not have had a plan and simply ambush a man in his own home - this goes doubly since he was in contact with the HSPC and had time to "premeditate" anyway.

And as for Twice: Hawks ran out of options. He wanted to detain Twice and keep him from escaping and helping the MLA. He was able to do so when alone, but the moment Dabi cornered him Hawks had a choice to make - probably die in the fight and let Jin go or make absolute certain he can’t and still probably end up dying because he's in bad shape and still probably won't make it out of this, regardless. I don't need to harp on this - it's been said a couple different times now by several people. Even in 266 when Dabi initially ambushes Hawks, Hawks thinks to himself that he’ll carry Jin out of the building to keep himself and Jin safe before Twice retaliated and Dabi literally forces Hawks into a corner.

Jin's loss was a blow, but the chips on the table being wagered are human lives, not feelings. Up until that point, Hawks did everything he could despite the weight of his decision. Human life is human life, and Jin’s life isn’t more important than the may more who will be saved by quashing the MLA’s revolution. Simply equating “could kill someone” with “unempathetic” is fundamentally flawed, and mistaking someone who is pushed to kill despite every attempt to avoid it as unempathetic and even sociopathic has missed the point to the extreme - the mere fact he avoided lethal force for so long alone proves he possesses empathy.

#2 Hawks is a compulsive liar.

He is a good liar, but he does not like lying. He does twist the truth, but always when forced to keep a secret. Even then, his lies are predominantly spun from truth and omitted details instead of outright fabrications. He doesn’t gaslight, and he doesn’t make up stories/details if he can help it.

When Hawks told Endeavor his dreams for the future, that was the truth. When he told him he thought he was cool at the hero billboards, that was the truth.  When he tells Tokoyami to focus on his strengths instead of merely covering his weaknesses to be a better hero, that was the truth. When Tokoyami asks Hawks for his weakness and even why he took him on as an intern in the beginning just to ignore him, he tells him the truth.  When he tells Jin he "doesn't belong in a cage" and that he considers him a good person, that was the truth. When he recognizes he’s profoundly wounded Jin for deceiving him for months, he tells Jin the truth. When confronted by Dabi and he doesn’t need to lie anymore in this fight to the death, he tells him the truth despite not actually needing to in hopes to learn the truth behind Dabi and Shigaraki.

I don't have a better segue, so I'll just mention that a lot of folks who believe this also believe the next point.

#3 Hawks is unapologetically emotionally manipulative.

The context makes a huge difference and we need to look at when and why he manipulates others as well as the fact that he does.

At the hero billboards, Hawks plays the heroes on stage as well as the crowd. He's trying to shift the mindset of, "oh yeah, just another hero ranking" to "wake up, mf's, things are changing and you better be ready to change, too!" Rocking the boat is a huge no-no in Japan. Despite being part of his “persona” there is still real social risk involved with this move but one that he deems necessary to turn heads and get gears turning. This is not just an elaborate ploy to get under Endeavor’s skin, but an effort to reach a wider audience while he has them captive.

He does use the public crowd around him and Endeavor before the Hood fight as an excuse for its appearance, but the original intent was to mentally prepare Endeavor for what was potentially (and proved to be) the fight of his life without outright telling him so he could maintain his undercover status. When he realizes he’s part of the reason for Endeavor’s permanent scar and life-threatening injuries, he feels remorse.

He lies to Jin to get information out of him, but linking back to #2, when calls Jin a good person and offers him a way out, he’s telling the truth. He does feel guilt for having to manipulate an otherwise well-meaning person and betraying them, especially given his long-running history of being used and the ongoing issues he suffers from because of it.

When he meets up again with Endeavor to drop his clues about the League’s movements, he squirms when he realizes the interns don’t know him well enough to know he’s blowing smoke because he does NOT want these kids to actually buy what he’s selling. This espionage mission is hard to navigate, and he has to tread carefully lest he setup the dominoes in the wrong places.

This is all to make the point that Hawks is more than capable of emotionally manipulating people, but it’s not in his nature or something he does to any and every person he comes across just because. We haven’t had much opportunity to see him operate outside of the HSPC’s orders which is where the bulk of the instances of his manipulation comes from - those orders requiring him to operate covertly and thus, by nature, necessitate lying, manipulation, and strategically withholding information. 

If anything, when he’s making an appeal to someone else as his own person - not as a hero on a mission- we actually see a level of vulnerability and transparency we don’t otherwise catch.

Though it’s technically canon-adjacent and not necessarily canon in and of itself, in My Hero Academia: Team Up Mission where he works with Bakugo and Midoriya he operates on a level of transparency with them we’re not used to seeing; and my theory is he took it as an opportunity to operate without ulterior motives and build report instead of bucking back against “training up the next generation of heroes” like he initially did with Tokoyami.

Which now actually segues better into the next point.

#4 Hawks never lets people get close to him.

There’s a surprising amount of evidence that Hawks wants the ability to be an open book. Back at Team Up Mission, the restaurant staff note he regularly takes people he likes to their establishment - so we’re basically told outright this is a special place to him reserved for enjoying himself and only people he likes get to share it with him - so we already know what that says about how he sees those two despite their sparse interactions. We already know he’s taken Endeavor there when Endeavor made no move to input as to where he wanted to have the lunch meeting.

Though he kept Tokoyami at arm’s length initially, we have at least three canon instances of him sharing personal interactions with him with other canon-adjacent indications he cares for and values his intern. We’ve readily established that while Endeavor may not consider himself close to Hawks, Hawks does hold Endeavor as near and dear to his heart. While his only mission regarding Twice was to get information out of him, he still made a genuine effort to help and save him because he wanted to and considered him a friend despite the circumstances.

We still don’t know very much of Hawk’s past, his personal relationships outside of work, etc.; but despite the HPSC’s extensive efforts to strip him of his identity he not only possesses a faceted, complicated personality but seems to want to share that with others readily when and in the ways he’s able. Getting into the truly squishy, vulnerable parts of him may take a while, but on a scale of closed to open, he seems to lean towards open.

#5 Hawks is hopelessly in love with Dabi and will abandon everything up to this point for him.

This isn't to throw general DabiHawks shippers under the bus. Most of them know VERY well at this point that canon has sunk that ship, and they're just having fun with it at this point - and you know what, power to you! They look great together! In another life, the character chemistry could have been incredible. There’s a lot of great DabiHawks shipping content I thoroughly enjoy despite not shipping it myself.

It just isn't canon. It never was and never came close. Even now, with the Endeavor reveal being very much imminent, Hawks' view of Dabi is one of a lying, malicious, callous, murderer. Though he’ll likely be crushed at the revelation of what Endeavor’s done, that doesn’t equate to him defecting (especially not immediately) and falling into Dabi’s arms.

And Dabi hates Hawks just as much.

Again, this is not anything against the ship or the shippers - just an annoyance I have with some who were so wrapped up in the ship they were genuinely mad when the ship sank and they dragged that frustration out into the real world against real people when canon didn’t align with fanon. 

Ships are some of the most stupid things to rail against creators and fans over, and the amount of harassment they receive now over shipping has me ripping my hair out when I know it’s a mere fraction of the total pool of shippers who are frothing at the mouth while the rest are super cool and happy doing their own thing and keeping to themselves.

Ship what you want, regardless of “validating evidence” and have fun. Don’t make it others’ problem when it isn’t canonically validated.

#6 Hawks is a dirty cop.

Only half upset with this one because it comes down to the nuance and lack of precise definition of this phrase I have a problem with. Lots of people hate cops for very real, legitimate reasons. Police forces - being a voluntary, government-employed force enforcing government rule - are notoriously prone to corruption of every kind.

It's implied the HPSC is itself corrupt, though to what extent we don't know. (Granted, buying a young child from his family to raise as your personal puppet is pretty high up there.) By continuing to follow orders from the HPSC and not vehemently fighting back, many see him as reinforcing a corrupt institution and at least partially liable for their continued hold on society. 

Fair enough, but... The issue I have with this is it reduces Hawks to his job.

I believe a huge chunk of this take comes from my experience as an armed service member spouse, but it's easy for me to empathize with a guy

Who was promised the moon for himself and his family in exchange for his service not realizing what was actually being asked of him

Is praised outside the organization for "being a hero" and "upholding this country's core values" while first-hand witnessing the corruption of it when inside

Is viewed as a cog valuable only in services rendered instead of being treated like a human by said organization and worked into the ground because of it

Is frustrated by the insistence to keep the status quo instead of improving procedure/infrastructure/environment because egos need to be padded over real, human problems being solved

Has his autonomy or otherwise ability to operate under his own judgement restricted in favor of maintaining organizational control at the cost of effective action

Has DEPENDENTS who rely on his continued work to provide for them and is thus unable to refuse an order, even when it's morally reprehensible and even outright illegal

Whose cries, both those calculated and desperate, to the organization (who have placed themselves as the sole resource he can turn to) for help (even for his own body/mind) fall on deaf ears until he breaks to the point of becoming unusable or dangerous - and even then minimal effort/responsibility is taken in favor of keeping him functioning in the organization as long as possible.

Hawks fights back against the HPSC constantly. He raised concerns over letting civilians suffer to get him in with the League of Villains and then still defied orders by reducing casualties to zero. Despite orders to keep his mission top secret, he's informed Endeavor of his motives/movements independently from the rest of the heroes. He had long refused to take an intern (read: fresh meat for the machine) to train until this year, and even then sought to minimize his encouragement of Tokoyami for as long as possible until he realized Tokoyami was made of the real mettle people needed in a hero and not just another youngster endangering himself on a pipe dream.

He even takes initiative to keep his personal to-do list from the HPSC to a minimum by squashing problems before they come knocking asking him to fix it for them. He knew of the League of Villains and anticipated the escalation of their movements immediately after the USJ incident as well as has a network of informants and connections with local police forces to stay in the know.

His methods for apprehension of criminals are, and continue to be, to react and detain them so quickly they can't retaliate or endanger others in the struggle, thus minimizing human loss and injury despite the insinuation the HPSC has told him that gloves are off in the current situation.

He might be "a cop" depending on the definition we go with, but he isn't a dirty cop. He doesn't plant evidence. He doesn't shoot first and ask questions later. He doesn't blindly take orders. He largely doesn't see "villains" as dirt under his shoe but as people pushed to extremes. He's a morally convicted individual trying to rebel within the system instead of tearing it down outright. He may be wrong in the assumption, but he genuinely believes he can do more on the inside of the system than outside.

#7 Hawks is a manwhore.

Ok, this one is not serious and actually just to end this all on a lighter note after ranting until I'm blue in the face. 

I'm 100% guilty of this myself. Something about that chicken makes me and many others salivate - either for themselves or to watch him with someone else. We love dressing him up slutty, portray him as flirting unashamedly, and placing him in as many overtly sexual scenarios possible.

The best part about all of it, though, is that it’s almost the exact opposite of how he dresses/conducts himself in canon. His clothes are loose fitting and high-coverage. He’s personable, but never gives any indication he’s romantically/sexually involved or interested in anyone. The asscourse is real only because we cannot confirm either way due to his baggy clothes. His overall figure/body shape has been hinted at, but only recently confirmed; and his jacket had to be literally be burned off to get a good look at the pattern of his shirt under it!

~~~~~~~

And with that, I release the frustration and move on. 

Enjoy fanon as much as you like - even I do! Just be aware of where canon and fanon diverge, and definitely don’t take the difference out on real people. Please also be aware of how others hold their favorite characters dear before flooding the general tags with negativity and creating a hostile environment for them. People latch onto their “comfort characters” for a plethora of reasons, and when they lose that character to the plot, the fandom, or otherwise, they should still be allowed to grieve and celebrate what they had in a safe environment. 

Retaliation in response to others coming against your favorite is also not acceptable behavior. It sucks, but the most mature thing to do is step away from the general fandom, stick to blogs/spaces you know are safe, and let the storm blow over. Comfort characters do not justify mistreating real people no matter how much they may mean to you.

When “canon gets it wrong” is where fanfiction and pockets of the fandom community comes into play. Leave those people alone and let them be. For those who aligned themselves with canon, they are not free game to take personal frustrations out on. Leave those people alone and let them be. Unfollow the people/tags you need to for your own sake and others’, and the fandom will be a better place all around over time. Venting belongs in controlled spaces away from the rest of the fandom and with enough warning for those who not only don’t want to endure it but who for their own safety shouldn’t.

Fandom is a community, and healthy communities do not endorse members lashing out when they don’t get their way.

[eligos-venator]

Guilty or Innocent: Eligos Venator

Asked someone to marry you?

“Guilty. You’d be hard pressed to find someone who wasn’t a romantic at some stage in life. Even someone like myself has done that, once upon a time.”

Kissed one of your friends?

“See, because of the wording, I have to say ‘innocent’. I don’t have friends, friend. I have clients.”

Danced on a table in a bar / tavern?

“Yes. And yes, it cost an exorbitant amount of gil for that client.”

Ever told a lie?

“Truth and lies are so easily exchanged for one another. Truth can be used to forge a lie, and a lie can lead to a truth. I’ve told plenty of lies, and I’ll tell many more. Honesty? That’s what I get paid for. But even in honesty, one can deceive through omitting inconvenient truths.”

Had feelings for someone you can’t have?

“That’d require caring enough to have such feelings. I find that to be a waste of both energy and time.”

Ever kissed someone of the same sex?

“Once. I got paid. No, it wasn’t worth the gil.”

Kissed a picture?

“Why would I do that?” The man asked, raising a brow. “That’s rather sad.”

Slept until 5pm?

“Context is required. I’ve pulled all nighters and then slept from afternoon till supper, many times before. But simply falling asleep at a normal hour and not waking till evening the next day? Never. I don’t allow myself to, as I’ve too much work to deal with, and limited hours in any day to get it done.”

Worked at a fast food chain / restaurant

“We all start somewhere. Me, I had to pick myself back up somehow after hitting rock bottom. The skills I had spent years learning at the academy were too identifying for me to be able to sell them, and I didn’t have a gil to my name. I managed to somehow get a job at a quiet restaurant, and worked my way up from busboy to server, to bartender, in the span of a year. Management could tell I was eager to learn and take on every role I could, and the additional roles I took on paid for the equipment needed to start out as a mercenary, and truly start rebuilding my life.”

Stolen something?

“Guilty. I cannot detail as to what because frankly I do not recall. I’ve committed many a crime, but to put effort into remembering them all is a waste of effort. It’s just a paycheck. And sometimes laws must be broken in order to get it.”

Been fired from a job?

“Plenty of times.” Eligos grinned at this. “There’s always someone who thinks lowly of freelancers like myself, and will try to fire them after the work’s done in order to avoid paying for services rendered. There’s even more that try to ask for the impossible in order to claim breach of contract so they can fire you. My advice to fellow mercenaries is to have a good contract, and to make sure to collect something that you might be able to use to, ah, ‘encourage’ them to keep to their word. It won’t earn you any friendship or build camaraderie with your employer, but going hungry won’t help you either. Better to ensure you are able to eat than worry about what your employer’s personal view is of you.”

Done something you regret?

“We all have regrets in life. I try to lead a life without regret, but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t stumbled before and thought back on those choices made. Hindsight is perfect, as they say, and to beat ourselves up over the past accomplishes nothing. It’s better to focus on the future.”

Laughed until something you were drinking came out of your nose?

“That sounds painful. No.”

Caught a snowflake on your tongue?

“If so, I don’t recall. I may well have when young, but after a while, it becomes the same as any other weather phenomenon and is something you adapt to, rather than enjoy.”

Sat on a roof top?

“They’re not the best spot to snipe from, but in crowded areas they’re sometimes the only high ground you can use to get a clear shot.”

Kissed someone you shouldn’t have?

“Shouldn’t have, how?” He asked as his brow raised. “If we’re talking about morals, perhaps so, but my paycheck isn’t decided by my personal ethics. I’m paid to do what I’m told, regardless of consequences and morality.”

Sang in the shower?

“Does humming count? If so, then yes. I can’t say I’m much of a singer, but I’ve a few songs I enjoy greatly, like any other person.”

Been pushed into a body of water with all your clothes on?

“I’ve been tossed overboard while still wearing full armor before. I highly recommend always keeping a grappling hook and line on you when out on the ocean, in case you’re either knocked overboard during a storm, or if your crewmates think it’d be funny to see if you can float in your gear.”

Shaved your head?

“No.” Was the immediate, flat, and unamused reply as the man crossed his arms and yellow eyes stared with clear displeasure at the thought of being bald. “I keep my hair short for convenience. But I don’t keep it that short.”

Made a boyfriend / girlfriend cry?

“Probably. Yes. I anger quite a few people. I’ve upset even more. I’ve made mistakes and have made a few people important to me upset before as well. But the biggest mistake is to let that lie and not handle it. If a mistake is made, it’s best to act immediately to try to resolve the matter. It won’t change the tears spilled, but it will help keep more from falling, in both present and future.”

Shot a gun?

“It’s a part of my job description, half the time. I am partial to utilizing a gun to take targets down at a range. It minimizes the risk to myself.”

Still loved someone you shouldn’t?

“I don’t even know if I’m capable of that emotion. I don’t see how I could still love someone I shouldn’t without having the capacity to love in the first place.”

Have / had a tattoo?

“I’m adverse to identifying marks on my own person, given they can be used to pick me out of a lineup if seen. Someday, maybe, I’ll get one. I wouldn’t mind having one, really. But given my job, it’s a bad idea for me to cave to that temptation.”

Liked someone, but will never tell who?

“If I did, you’d never know.”

Been too honest?

“I say it as I see it. If people have a problem with that, they’re welcome to take their issues with them and jump off a bridge, for all I care.” 

Ruined a surprise?

“I ruin many things. Surprises have been one of those that I’ve ruined, yes.”

Been told that you’re beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said?

“No.” That was all he had to say as he crossed his arms, his lips tugged down in a frown as he made a small shooing motion with his left hand to indicate that he wanted the next question to be asked already.

Stalked someone?

“For business purposes. So yes. I’m unable to divulge details, due to the contract signed. What I can say is that it’s not something I particularly enjoy. But a job is a job.”

Thought about murder?

“Frequently. My job often entails applying lethal force against targets. It’s natural I have to think abut it and plan ahead accordingly.”

How about mass murder?

“While I don’t find the idea of murdering a population of people appetizing, I work under the assumption that I’ll need to be armed enough to, at minimum, take out twice the number of targets I’m sent in for. No battle plan ever survives first contact with the enemy, and if you aren’t prepared to adapt to the situation, you’ll find yourself in over your head. I always make sure I’ve enough equipment to take care of both enemy and ally should the situation unfold unfavorably.”

Cheated on someone?

“I am very strict when it comes to contracts made. I don’t break the terms unless my own are broken first. This includes relationships. I have never cheated, nor do I have the slightest of reasons to consider such.”

Gotten so angry that you cried?

“Not at all. I don’t get angry. That’s a waste of energy and time. I get even.” 

Tried to stay away from someone for their own good?

“No. Why would I care about what’s good for someone else? People won’t spare a second thought about you and what’s good for you. They’ll take what they need. It’s on your own head if you can’t do the same for fear of consequences for another.”

Thoughts about suicide?

”In the past, I considered it frequently. Looking the part of half-breed is rough on any, but especially so when you grow up in a society raised to be intolerant of others not like them. But I’ve learned since then and grown, and no longer consider such an option.”

Had a girlfriend / boyfriend?

” Girlfriend, yes. I’ve had a few relationships. But I’m very content with my life as it is now.”

Gotten totally drunk during a holiday?

“I drink, but not to excess. Even on holidays I would rather keep my wits about me than let myself be overly influenced by beverage.”

Tagged by: @tiwahra-ffxiv @ivyffxiv [Thank you for the tags!]

Tagging: @uurkhilen @voidtouchedduelist @lilac-memorials @lighttheabyss @octophopi @vesper-aldaine @cigarettes-n-daisies @arcurisrilanox @nocturnedreaming @cadrenebula @yokasaris @roleplay-aficionado @cottoncnyandy @wildgirlcinna​ @misorastraus​ @arcana-divine​ @a-corsairs-chorus​ @shroudkeeper​ @miyuki-mazaki​ @knightingale-xiv​ and anyone else who wants to do it!

[pass-the-bechdel]

Dollhouse season one full review

How many episodes pass the Bechdel test?

92.3% (twelve of thirteen).

What is the average percentage per episode of female characters with names and lines?

46.83%

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 40% female?

Nine, over half (six of those were 50%+, one of them 60%).

How many episodes have a cast that is less than 20% female?

Zero.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Twenty-eight. Thirteen who appeared in more than one episode, six who appeared in at least half the episodes, and one who appeared in every episode.

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Forty-two. Eleven who appeared in more than one episode, five who appeared in at least half the episodes, and three who appeared in every episode.

Positive Content Status:

Not good at all. The series is rife with violence against women and involves sexual assault on a constant basis, with acknowledgment or exploration of such inclusions intermittent and interlaced with excuses. Needless to say, it never even gets close to flirting with an above-average content rating (average rating of 2.76).

General Season Quality:

A mess. There are elements of good things here, and some episodes that utilise that potential, but mostly this is a show that doesn’t seem to know what it wants to do or how far it really wants to pursue its own promises, and it is full of dead air and extremely questionable storytelling, wrapped around one of the least-dynamic lead characters I’ve ever seen. It’s a recipe for failure, and a disappointing one at that, because done right, this could have been truly amazing.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) under the cut:

Let’s nail down how consent works, because it might be the most important issue at the heart of this show that the writers just don’t seem to understand: consent is not a binding contract. Real consent is 

1. ongoing (may be revoked at any time if the individual in question wishes; must be re-established or renegotiated if the circumstances originally consented to change)

2. enthusiastic (if the individual becomes uncertain/uncomfortable with conditions, actions must halt until consent has been renegotiated and re-established)

3. informed (an individual cannot consent to terms that are obfuscated or omitted; consent gained through lies or trickery is not consent at all), and

4. willing (coerced consent - whether through threats, ultimatums, manipulation, or other means - is not real consent. If the individual is placed in a position where declining is not a viable safe option, they cannot give consent).

Pretty clear-cut, really. With that in mind, the only way that the Dollhouse could operate in an ethical manner would be if the dolls were genuine volunteers who were restored to their original personalities after every engagement, so that they could consider the requirements of each job as they arose and pick and choose which ones they were comfortable fulfilling; it would then also require that their imprinted personality include strict parameters agreed to beforehand to preserve their ability to revoke consent if their boundaries are violated. Of course, there would still be LOADS of ways for the technology to be abused, but that’s an irrelevant discussion in context, because that’s not how the Dollhouse operates. Many of the dolls are not willing participants from the outset, but even if they are, after being stripped of their personalities and memories they lose the power to make informed choices and their enthusiasm is all programmed in, and it’s irrelevant anyway because they are not presented the opportunity to give or deny consent in their ongoing situation. Whether or not the dolls can consent is not up for debate: by definition, plain and simple, they cannot. To suggest otherwise is kinda the same thing as when people say that marital rape isn’t a real thing, as if signing a marriage contract permits your spouse to override your bodily autonomy anytime they want. Consent can be fickle, subjective, and highly conditional, and those are all good things because they protect the basic human right to personal sovereignty. Consent is not a binding contract. 

Despite occasionally throwing around lines about how ‘you can’t consent to being a slave!’, the show doesn’t want to commit to the idea that the dolls are, unequivocally, being abused, and the failure to be morally assertive on that point leads to some seriously reprehensible presentations, most notably in terms of rape. The oft-repeated lofty idea behind what (theoretically) makes the Dollhouse ‘good’ is that they give people ‘what they need’, which mostly means fulfilling sexual fantasies. Naturally, this makes all of the Dollhouse clients who acquire a doll for sexual purposes, rapists. They know that’s what they’re getting into, too, they know that they’re paying big bank to have a person brainwashed into fulfilling their desires, which by definition means that the person is being denied the capability to give consent. This isn’t a naughty secret being hidden from the client; it’s a known factor which they’ve decided they don’t care about. They’re ok with taking advantage of this person in order to fulfill their ‘need’. Thus, the fact that Joel Miner just wants to play house with an imprinted version of his dead wife is not cute or romantic, it’s still rape, but the show doesn’t treat it that way: it’s directly handled like we’re supposed to be happy that he gets what he wants, in the same episode as the writing finally bothers to dabble vaguely in the concept of consent issues after it turns out that Sierra has been raped by her handler (while NOT imprinted to think she wants it). Thus, the episode in question draws a straight parallel between the idea that there’s ‘real rape’ (what Hearn does), and then there’s innocent wish fulfillment (what Miner and anyone else who bothers to have their victim programmed first does), and we shouldn’t conflate the two. Except, obviously, we should conflate the two. Both are rape. There’s not a moral grey-scale here, that’s like arguing that if you drug someone first so that they can’t resist, that’s less assaultive than if they were cognizant enough to struggle. Both are rape, both disregard the bodily autonomy of the victim and deny them the right of choice. ‘But I really miss my dead wife!’ doesn’t make it better, and it certainly doesn’t make it ok. And giving people ‘what they need’ at the expense of others is not virtuous - especially when you factor in the price tag attached to a made-to-order sex slave.

The above-referenced episode is one of the most egregious examples of this at play, but it’s a recurrent issue throughout the series, and not one that’s gonna go away. The story is not interested in analysing the fact that DeWitt has repeatedly raped Victor; her conflict about the issue revolves around the feeling that she - like the other Dollhouse clients - is pathetic for ‘needing’ programmed service. And while Ballard expresses misgivings about the idea of raping Mellie, he still does it, repeatedly, and there’s no condemnation from the narrative; we’re supposed to see this as a complication to Ballard’s moral compunctions, that he’s confronted with shades of grey in the black-and-white world he had imagined, but there are no shades of grey. You knowingly committed rape. More than once. The first time they had sex, when he didn’t know she was a doll? THAT is something Ballard can feel conflicted about, because he didn’t do it knowingly, he was not able to make an informed decision, his own ability to consent was impaired and he’s entitled to feel abused by the Dollhouse machinations that put him in that position. THAT is legitimate conflicted emotion. Going “fuck you, Dollhouse, you want to send me a sex slave, I’m gonna take out my conflicted emotions ON HER through what I readily recognise as rape”, that’s...not something a character can do and then still hang around on the show representing any kind of morality. That’s not even anti-hero material, that’s villainy, and if we respond to Hearn’s crimes by snapping his neck against a coffee table, why is Ballard still roaming around feeling righteous? The show is so sketchy on morality, it doesn’t even present Ballard’s attitudes as self-delusions, it isn’t exploring his descent into evil. Even from the first episode, it was unclear where the story really sat with Ballard, seeming simultaneously aware of the fact that he’s not as pure and heroic as he imagined himself, but also never pursuing the idea of exploring a more complex moral reality. If ‘now he’s a rapist but he feels bad about it (but not bad enough to NOT DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE)’ is supposed to suffice as ‘deconstruction’, boy howdy, I got news. You can’t even pretend to deconstruct anything if you’re too busy equivocating to have an opinion in the first place.

I’ve used this word so much already in relation to this show that it’s starting to lose its meaning, but what Dollhouse really suffers from is a misogyny problem. I touched on it already in the episode ‘Omega’ when I talked about how Alpha’s ruminations on the nature of the self/consciousness/etc are undercut by the intense misogyny of his character and story, because his presence in the narrative and his impact on other characters is so heavily tied up in the violent expression of his misogyny that there’s no room for a clear-minded discussion of anything else, and in truth the entire series suffers from the same affliction. Misogyny is so ubiquitous in the story at the same time as being so rarely acknowledged that they can’t engage meaningful thematic discussions about anything else; misogyny is the elephant in the room, and so much space is being dedicated to it, there’s nowhere to squeeze anything else in edge-wise. The refusal to acknowledge the clear-cut nature of consent and thereby the inherent sexual assault built into the frame work of the narrative is part of this, but it also represents an insidious division between ‘real misogyny’ and the various kinds that the show doesn’t want us to acknowledge, the many and sundry equivocations it is entertaining in order to avoid having a moral backbone. Alpha literally slicing up women’s faces is ‘real misogyny’ (by the writers’ definition), and a character like Nolan putting Sierra in the Dollhouse so that he can have force her to have sex with him is ‘real misogyny’ (quite contradictory since Nolan still has his doll programmed to want him, just like all the other clients; apparently it’s only rape if the perpetrator is a mustache-twirling cackling supervillain type). Tanaka slinging off about ‘whores’ is ‘real misogyny’ that Ballard can take umbrage with, but Ballard’s infantalising obsession with calling women ‘girls’? We’re not batting an eye. The fact that Echo is repeatedly engaged by one Matt Cargill, whose rape sexual fantasy is all about teaching a ditzy inexperienced girl new things? Cute! Echo being violently beaten in more than three-quarters of the episodes this season, sometimes multiple times per episode? Eh, that’s normal. That’s normal writing. 

The ‘real misogyny’ is the stuff that the writing deems worthy of being called out, and like with the issue of creating a false grey-scale to excuse ‘softer’ rape crimes, this creates a situation in which more low-key misogyny can skate by unchecked because we’re being encouraged to view it comparatively, instead of objectively. If you’re talking about a violent serial rapist and you say “he calls women ‘girls’ all the time, too!”, it sounds like you’re being silly, because hello, there are much bigger problems to talk about. On the other hand, if you don’t sit around making softening comparisons, you can actually talk about how women being infantalised by men is a big problem that is part of a larger tapestry of misogyny, especially disturbing for the intersection with sexualisation (HUGELY at play with the dolls in their ‘doll state’), and relevant to the discussion of pedophilia (which, incidentally, the show featured TWICE in just thirteen episodes, but without any kind of exploration or commentary that would suggest an actual reason beyond the voyeuristic fetishisation of sexual violence which is this show’s bread and butter). Because the misogyny problem on this show is so all-encompassing (along with the rape-apologist grey morality, it is built into the framework of the series itself), the fact that it is never acknowledged and brought into the thematic conversation of the story blows a hole out the side of the writers’ ability to have any kind of sophisticated conversation about the morality of their subject matter: the combination of oblivious sexism and wanton avoidance leaves the moral compass of the story...nonexistent, really, smashed to pieces and rendered useless. It’s like they didn’t want to have to talk about the morality of the Dollhouse at all, they just wanted the narrative conceit of programmable people and the opportunity to indulge various objectifying fetishes, but since that’s not how storytelling works they figured they’d ramp up the ambiguity and pass off the lack of nuanced discussion as ‘shades of grey’, despite how inappropriate that is with sex trafficking. Thus, you get a show which treats “but if the perpetrator is sad, is it really rape?” like that’s a legitimate question.

Honestly, we could unpack this show forever, because all of it needs unpacking, because it’s riddled and stained irrevocably with garbage in a way that is pervasive and complicated, but I’m gonna let this lie for now. We’ll talk about it all more as season two unfolds, and when I review that season’s developments and eventually, the full series (save me). There’s loads of stuff that I didn’t even touch yet, so at least I know I won’t be starved for content. I did know that, coming in, I knew it’d be an unhappy mess. The one thing that really surprised me about season one is how little the narrative actually discussed its own invoked themes, I thought they did better than that - perhaps season two will fill that void a bit. Maybe Echo will get hit in the fucking face less, too. I’m not gonna bet on that. After all, what would this show be without women turned into sex objects and then violently punished for it? Well. For starters, it would be better.

[justsomebucky]

The Truth Is (Part 1)

Summary: Canon(ish). Captain America calls on reader to help his best friend uncover a major scandal. If reader succeeds, the former Winter Soldier might finally be vindicated. Failure is not an option when the truth is at stake.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!reader

Word Count: 1,620

Warnings: language, inspired by current events, I ramble, I bend the timeline, canon is hard, future violence and gun usage, future death, bad writing

A/N: This is part one for @imhereforbvcky‘s canon writing challenge. Mee, please feel free to disregard until it is complete! My prompt was “Was this my best idea? No. Did it work? Yes, so stop complaining.” Part one of who knows how many.

You cringed at the sound of your secondary mobile ringing in the quiet café, answering it almost immediately without glancing at the screen.

“Yes?”

“Is that any way to greet me, Y/N?”

The sound of his voice was just as warm as you remembered.

He was the one who gave you the secondary phone, and he was only supposed to call if it was dire, if all hell had broken loose or maybe if the end of days was near. That was the promise Steve Rogers made when you last saw him.

You took a quick headcount; there were two baristas and six customers, including one potential government employee at a table by the front window. Nothing you couldn’t handle, though in D.C. it was safer to never use names. They couldn’t overhear what you didn’t say, after all.

You rolled your eyes, reaching for your coffee as you stood to go outside. Out of habit, you checked your periphery in case anyone was following.

“I’m sorry, it’s just really early. Is everything okay?”

“Heard you’re working for Ross now.”

“I can’t discuss that here, you know that.”

He chuckled. “It’s stable work. I’m glad to hear you aren’t as reckless anymore.”

You pretended to be offended. “I’ll have you know I’m still just the right amount of reckless.”

“Then I’ll just assume you’ve got something up your sleeve.”

“That’s fair. I know you didn’t call to chat, though. What do you need?”

“Right to the point as always.”

“I’m efficient, what can I say?”

Steve paused for a beat before sighing in your ear. “They’re after him again, Y/N.”

“I know.” You took a sip from your coffee.

Weariness seeped into Steve’s voice, just a little. “Then you know why I need your help…why we need it.”

Under normal circumstances, you preferred working alone. There was something about the vulnerability of having a partner, of caring if someone got left behind that made it harder to accomplish what you needed to in the field, so you just didn’t deal with it.

To be fair, it’s not like you and Steve were best friends or anything. You only knew him through Tony Stark, your former employer. It’d been long enough now that you saw Steve as almost a distant older brother type, always looking out for you even when he couldn’t directly help, with just enough mystery to make things interesting.

You never cared much for the whole superheroes thing, either. Sure, you’d helped the Avengers on occasion and you greatly appreciated what they did for the planet, but you mostly tried to steer clear because of how high-profile they were.

Instead, you were obsessed with seeking the truth through information, and you were damn good at it, too.

After graduating, you went to Stark Industries looking for an entry-level job. Instead, Tony hired you on as an independent contractor, and you made big bucks to find the details locked away in private clubs or executive offices that F.R.I.D.A.Y. couldn’t access. You helped him stay one step ahead of the politicians who were trying to do more harm than good.

Tony sort of went radio silent after the introduction of the Sokovia Accords, though. He stopped communicating with you, stopped asking for anything out of the ordinary. He did what he thought was best for everyone and took Secretary Ross’ side.

So, you’d refocused your efforts to help Steve. You didn’t believe in the Accords as they were, and though you still respected Tony, it effectively ended your professional relationship.

Steve had more pressing concerns, anyway, what with the reappearance of some figures from the past. On more than one occasion, you helped his friend Sharon Carter secure some files and intel, and from then on you were welcomed as part of his unofficial team.

For the last few months, though, you’d been undercover for your own interests, stationed as a member of Secretary Ross’ private security detail. Instead of being the muscle with the gun, you were the eyes and ears. All Ross knew about you was that you used to work for Stark Industries, and you guessed that he saw you as a potentially valuable informant.

That meant that you couldn’t take every piece of intel seriously without doing a little of your own research first. If you leaked false information, they would know it was you and that was a dangerous game to play.

Eventually, the Avengers tried to take matters into their own hands and ended up fighting each other. You lost touch with Steve after that, except for one message letting you know he was okay.

Besides trying to wrangle the Avengers, Secretary Ross had a huge chip on his shoulder, and that chip’s name was James ‘Bucky’ Buchanan Barnes. Despite all the evidence that would reassure any sane person with a conscience that Bucky was innocent of his wrongdoings (though a few disgruntled German special ops might disagree), Ross still kept an eye out for him.

Rather, Ross was targeting Bucky.

It was subtle at first. He would find reasons to bring up the Winter Soldier during televised interviews or conferences, weaving the mentions between statistics on violence or crime. Ross would bring him up in the context of national security, casually mentioning that the United States still didn’t have its own defense against a super assassin.

He still wanted Bucky locked up as part of a personal vendetta that had little to nothing to do with Bucky himself. Ross wanted a sacrificial lamb, a big win for the homeland that would make the public trust him more.

His endgame was still unclear, though.

That was the first of two reasons why you took the job as Ross’ security detail.

The other reason was Bucky himself. Steve had introduced you to him before they went on the run, and within the first few minutes of speaking with him it was easy to see he was a victim, not a villain.

And Secretary Ross?

You were willing to risk it all to make sure that lying sonofabitch didn’t succeed.

That’s why you immersed yourself in the Winter Soldier case, reading file after file in an attempt to not only become more familiar with what Bucky went through, but to try to figure out what Ross might do next. You decided early on that the best way to stop him was to join him, to pretend to buy the bullshit he was selling. Men like him loved that.

Those who knew you best knew it was all an act.

The truth mattered to you even if it didn’t matter to Ross, and that was the approach you took in order to pass every single interview and test to be on his security detail. They agreed with nearly every statement you made, though their version of the truth was very different. It didn’t matter if they blurred or omitted the details as long as it benefited them.

To you, it was a closed case that needed a little extra push to ensure Bucky’s vindication. He deserved that much, while Secretary Ross deserved the inside of a maximum security prison cell.

“Y/N?”

Steve’s voice brought you out of your reverie.

“I know,” you repeated, tossing your empty coffee cup in the nearest bin. “I’ve kept up with the latest. What do you suggest?”

The line was quiet for a beat, then you heard some muffled voices on the other end as he apparently discussed it with someone else.

“Listen, if I send you coordinates, can you meet with someone to secure some evidence? We need Ross out of power, and we need his ties with Russia and the Super Soldier serum exposed.”

Your brows furrowed. “You think the big guys in charge don’t know of his involvement? Ask Bruce Banner sometime. They applaud it. In fact, they’d love nothing more than to start it up again on a larger scale.”

“That’s not what I meant. I’m referring to the money Ross and his buddies in Congress funneled to HYDRA from United States taxpayers in order to create more super soldiers here. We know he’s knee deep in it, and we want to expose him. That should get him off Bucky’s back and away from any power to do more damage.”

Steve’s words made you stop in your tracks.

“That’s…that is a huge accusation. I’ve been tracking these guys for years and they’re too good to let details like that slip by. If your source has this evidence, they are already in danger. You’d need more than paper trails on this one, you’d need special counsel, sworn testimonies, twenty-four hour witness protection, an-“

“And that’s why I want you to work with the only person alive who knows the situation better than you.”

Your stomach turned at the thought. “You don’t mean…?”

“Come on, you could use a little teamwork. You two got along just fine.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about. Hasn’t he been through enough? And isn’t he a little…obvious?”

Steve chuckled on the other line. “How soon can you be in Vilnius? There’s a promising lead I want you to follow, an eyewitness who claims to have proof and she’s willing to go on record.”

You checked the time on your phone. “I’ll have to figure out my cover, maybe airport hop, you know. That takes time.”

“Just be there by Tuesday. I’ll get you more details tonight, but we have to hurry. You know what happens when they find witnesses before we do.”

“I’m well aware. I’m just hoping my luck doesn’t run out this time.”

“I’m trusting you, Y/N. I know you can do this.”

Steve ended the call, and you moved into action.

---

Part 2

Masterlist

no tags

i apologize for formatting errors that might appear. something is going on with the app.

[earlywrites]

there’s no place like 127.0.0.1 commentary part I: ‘looking back’

Hey gang! Here’s part one of my commentary on my Angela & Robot fic there's no place like 127.0.0.1, a.k.a. A Weekend At Angela’s, a.k.a. Mr. Robot’s Day(s) Off. This will contain spoilers through Season 3 of Mr. Robot.

To start off, the title of the fic itself I got from a fun piece of set dressing in 3x05:

...which (and I'm probably stating the obvious here, but either way) is a play on 'there's no place like home' from the Wizard of Oz, as 127.0.0.1 is the 'localhost' of any given machine.

“Dolores… Haze?” she says, frowning [...]

I believe this is the codename Elliot would have Darlene stored under on his phone, since it’s a handle she’s used in other areas -- recently, as the name of the network she and Elliot used in the arcade during 3x09:

Somehow, he both feels like he’s been hit over the head with a truck, yet at the same time had the best sleep he’s ever experienced in the scattering of days where he’s been the one in charge. The sleeping pills on the side table aren’t a name he recognizes, and the instructional lettering is all in Chinese, but holy balls did they knock him the fuck out. Seems Angela wasn’t kidding when she said she was committed to keeping Elliot out at all costs.

I did a bunch of reading on DID and several people on the forums suggested sleeping pills as a method to prevent alters from switching over in one's sleep. Ambien and melatonin etc all seemed to also promote sleepwalking as a side effect, especially when combined with alcohol (and this is more relevant in part II), so I took artistic licence and made a fake drug that essentially knocks you out with zero (known) side effects, lol.

Residual self-image. Everyone has a face that only they can see, projected outwards into the mirror. A false idol of confidence, of ego, or a shell of dysmorphia and despair – either way, a lie repeated for so long it manifests into your own monster. Or maybe it’s something as little as a smaller nose or a slimmer waistline, look, ultimately, people like to reject reality and see what they want to see – for better or worse, ‘til death do us part, until every feature is stripped back and washed away, and that face in the mirror is just a skull the world has finally fucked. Technically, his own projection is long dead, but reanimated for a greater purpose – a divine one, even, according to Tyrell and his whole wackjob microreligion thing he’s got going on.

Residual self-image is indeed a term from The Matrix, which Morpheus describes as the 'mental projection of your digital self'. Here, it's a literal way that Robot describes how he and other people see themselves, even if in reality it can be very different. The major theme of this fic was perception versus reality, in that both Robot and Angela are focussed so narrowly on their specific ideal outcomes of Stage 2 that they omit or ignore any signs that the plan will not go exactly their way. This is the first area where I start to address that, and basically continue to hold up a sign in big black lettering that goes HEY ISN'T THIS IRONIC THAT THEY'RE SAYING THIS GIVEN WHAT WE KNOW NOW for the rest of the fic.

Still, he only gets wrapped up in this metaphysical bullshit when he’s in the driver’s seat for an extended period of time, because situations tend to arise that take him on a stroll through Uncanny Valley. For example: he showers and then shaves, but no stubble leaves his jawline. He changes into fresh clothes that Angela has left him, but the label on his jacket still proudly proclaims Mr. Robot: Computer Repair with a Smile! (still not his name, no matter how much Elliot tries to pin it to him). Sometimes he can squint through the mirror, rearrange his focus a little bit, and see this analogue of Elliot staring back at him – eyes half-lidded, the pinched anxiety on his face smoothed out. This is what they all see, which really is a poor substitute for the damn good-looking guy he’s facing off with in the bathroom vanity this morning.

Like, I've always wondered about this. Elliot is always clean-shaven after Robot's been in control for longer stretches of time, so Robot must shave, but we know he always has stubble -- how does any of this work, really? Is the fact that we see Robot's face in the mirror just a product of Elliot's overarching control over what is depicted in the show, and Robot actually sees 'Elliot's face? Who the heck knows, Sam sure as hell probably isn't going to explain it, so I'm sticking to this interpretation for now. And, also, no, Robot's never actually referred to himself as Mr. Robot in the show, going so far as to laugh at the idea of Elliot calling him that name when Krista brings it up in 3x02, which is why I have him rejecting it in here.

He tries watching TV, for a bit, but nothing particularly engaging is on basic cable on a Saturday morning – crappy cartoons (they really don’t make them like they used to), some more bullshit presidential candidate Donald Trump (seriously. This, if anything, is why Stage Two is an absolute fucking necessity to get the world back on track) has regurgitated about taxes or something is being picked apart by no less than twelve ‘experts’ on CNN, and the hysteria continues on four other channels. Only one news channel is actually covering the upcoming UN vote, which is quintessential Americocentrism - like, holy shit, the UN is going to sell a fucking country to China, and all people give a shit about is some failed reality star who can't, apparently, do math beyond a grade-school level. The next channel he tries is airing a repeat episode of Teen Mom, which is about the point where he gives up and switches it off, tossing the remote somewhere down the couch.

I don't know what was on US basic cable on that September weekend in 2015, and neither do you, probably. I do know that, around this time, Trump unveiled his tax policy at a press conference. It wasn't on a Friday/Saturday, but then again, September 29th wasn't actually a Monday, so whatever, I'll take some wiggle room on that.

[...] Darlene doesn’t know about the arrangement between Angela and himself, all he needs is plausible deniability for the knock – sleeping pills on the side table, that’s it, that’s the play, if he bunks down on the couch she’ll believe he was so far under he didn’t hear any of it. Wake up, fidget a bit, Elliot-style – keep it vague, let her fill in the blanks—

I would've loved to have seen the Robot v Darlene route, where Robot plays as Elliot and finds out about Elliot's plan to have him followed, and how things might have played out differently from there, but, that would then diverge from the canon series of events I was trying to keep within. I guess we'll never know!

“I know, that’s why I set up a contingency, give me some fucking credit here,” he argues. “It’s a little self-destructive sequence, a ransomware mimic – forget to key the password into the dialog box that pops up every five minutes and you’ll get locked out, and all the files on this laptop will self-encrypt. Only I have the keys, so even if – if – he manages to resurface, he wouldn’t get far.”

I'm sure this is wildly inaccurate, since I know pretty much nothing about programming, lol. We can't all be Elliot, okay!!!

“Is it possible for you to not be an asshole for like, five minutes?” Angela mutters. “Fine. I’ll—wait, hold on.” She brings up the Netflix home page, typing ollie.p.parker@gmail.com into the email field. “Let’s see if he – nope, hasn’t changed it. Why am I not surprised.”

“This is your ex-boyfriend’s account,” he clarifies. Angela hums the affirmative as she scrolls through his recommended titles – fucking hell, there’s at least three different Adam Sandler flicks alone. “Well, good to know he’s still a fucking moron. You sure dodged a bullet there. Or,” he pivots, reconsidering the context, “I suppose, given how that all played out, got that bullet lodged in you removed before it was too late.”

Fuck Ollie, this is the least of what you deserve, you dickwagon. I had a further scene that I ended up cutting because it dragged down the pacing, where Robot convinced Angela to let him 'hijack' Ollie's Netflix account by changing the email address and password and then getting into his email account to verify the change and delete the notification emails. Anyway, he's probably suffering in the post-5/9 economy, so, suck it dude.

He wrinkles his nose. “Oh, that guy’s in this?”

“Who, Christian Slater?” Angela says, looking up over her phone as the monologue continues. She finishes her text and slides it back onto the coffee table. “Not a fan?”

“Of his works? No, I like them well enough, Heathers is great,” he says, tossing a piece of popcorn in the air. “There’s just something about his face that makes me hate him. You know, when you look at a guy, and he has a face that’s just asking for a fist? This guy. He always looks so smug.” He points an accusatory finger at the TV. “What have you got to be so smug about, huh? Besides the fact that you’re probably jerking off to that fat royalty check in the mail every month. I mean, we all know that’s what all the Hollywood schmucks are doing, tugging it to their stacks of cash, but you don’t have to wear it right there on your face so I’m reminded of the fact every time I see it. And it doesn’t help that he spends half the movie miming the act, it just makes it so stupidly meta, Christ, I need to build a fourth wall in my brain and kick over a bucket of bleach – also, by the way, what the fuck, I can’t believe you actually watched this as a child, you—”

This was probably the most self-indulgent thing I got to write. I love that Christian Slater exists in Robotverse, so that I can exercise the 'character played by actor, who also played a character in another thing, thinks this character sucks/is ugly' trope. If you missed it, here's Pump Up The Volume on VHS in Angela's childhood home in 3x06:

She’s silent, for a moment, and the movie plays on. “It helped, in a way. With my mom. There’s a line, that’s always stuck with me – ‘the terrible secret is that being young is sometimes less fun than being dead.’ See, they don’t approach death in a way that’s nice, and polite, and full of platitudes – it’s angry, and messy, and it’s okay to want to just—” She suddenly leans over to the laptop, clicking forwards a few times.

“I’m sick of being ashamed. I don't mind being dejected and rejected, but I'm not going to be ashamed about it.” She mouths along with him. “I mean, you look around, and you see nothing is real, but at least the pain is real. You know, even this show isn’t real? It’s just me, I’m using a voice disguiser, I’m a phony fuck just like my dad, just like anybody—”

If you haven't seen the movie, basically Slater's character is reacting to the news of a teen committing suicide, after they had stated the intention to do so on his show - you can watch this scene here. This is, of course, not a movie a young child should watch, but Angela has always talked about her anger regarding her mother's death, and I thought (aside from the self-indulgent aspect of Robot v Slater, lol) it would be interesting to explore how she might act out, a little, like kids sometimes do to cope with grief and pain, secretly watch a Movie Definitely Not For Kids, and within it find a helpful way to release the anger she bottled up. (Also -- she would've loved the lizard. What a cute little friend.)

Somehow, they keep this train chugging along until well into the night. His pick is next – he chooses Snakes On A Plane, just to fuck with her a bit, but it turns out she just loves snakes, because of course she does, so that backfired somewhat, aside from the fact that Snakes On A Plane is actually pretty fun if you really embrace the hammy acting and ridiculous plot. Angela parries, picking a recent release called Jupiter Ascending, a large proportion of which he spends loudly trying to work out at what point in time since The Matrix Trilogy were the Wachowskis secretly killed and replaced by doppelgänger hacks, as Angela sips her appletini and coos over werewolf-angel(?)-in-rollerskates Channing Tatum. He then counters with Sharknado 3, which is definitely a mistake, and then they have to both suffer through all excruciating ninety-five minutes of it because neither of them are willing to budge on their unspoken cinematic war. A victory for him, maybe, but a Pyrrhic one nonetheless.

Angela does canonically love snakes, so this wasn't intended to be a jab at her manipulation of Elliot this season, but, of course, interpret at as you will. This great piece of characterisation is from the Red Wheelbarrow tie-in book for Season 2 (which is an awesome read, definitely recommend):

Second, the 'cinematic war' is totally one-sided. In my mind, Angela actually enjoyed all the films they watched, while Robot basically fucked himself, lol. Look, Jupiter Ascending is a wonderful, whimsical film, that should be taken at face value for the work of art that it is. Space paperwork! Bee princesses! Eddie Redmayne whisper-screaming as he tries to marry his mother! It's an absolute cinematic treasure. I can't say the same for Sharknado 3, but, well, all in good fun.

“First off, the entire concept of monogamy is bullshit,” he replies, and yes, he is going to actually give her a serious answer. “It’s an archaic evolutionary tactic to boost survival rates among Neanderthals that has no place being the gold standard in 2015, in the same way that we don’t kill a mammoth and spend the rest of the year eating hairy elephant ass for every meal — newsflash, supermarkets exist now, there are like fifty different varieties of beans, literally just beans, so it makes zero sense to pledge your undying commitment to a can of Spam, I mean, shit, even if it’s something you actually enjoy, you’d get absolutely sick and tired of eating it and nothing else until you keel over and die. So, on that note, it’s pretty obvious why most of our parents spend the rest of their lives fucking hating each other if they’re not a part of the fifty percent who cut ties before it’s too late, because, yes, alongside the great lie of the picture perfect nuclear family, the modern factory-line industry of marriage is just a capitalist cash cow where everybody thinks they’re getting milk, but in reality? That sure ain’t a teat they’re sucking on.”

This also comes back to the Red Wheelbarrow tie-in book, and specifically, to this scene in it, where Robot rants to Leon about monogamy in the context of Mad About You:

This is probably my favourite scene from the book -- I love the idea of Leon and Robot having long-winded debates on media, and it's a pity we'll never get to see that acted out, lol.

[...] “Fuck Gosling, fuck Stone, kill Groban. Done.”

“Wow,” Angela replies, leaning back, one hand against her heart. “Wow. You’re such a dick. How can you kill Josh Groban?”

“Breaking news! What a scoop. Angela Moss, come and claim your Pulitzer,” he says. “And, to answer your question: very easily. Groban is clearly the least attractive of the three, and so by the metric of this game it condemns him to death.”

“The correct answer,” she says firmly, barreling over him as if he’d never spoken, “Is fuck Ryan, marry Josh, and, well, if I have to kill someone, I guess I have to kill Emma, but I’m sure she’s lovely. Actually, no, okay, if you get two fucks then I do to. Fuck Ryan, fuck Emma, marry Josh.”

I love Angela's love for Josh Groban nearly as much as getting to see Elliot in that 'Property of Josh Groban' sweater in 3x01. It's never been explicitly stated on the show, but my interpretation of Angela and Robot's sexualities is that they're both bi as fuck, so there you go.

“And, you know what? I don’t want to live in a world where everyone’s as cynical and jaded as you, old man. Because,” she hiccups, ending it in a giggle, “That’s what you sound like, you grumpy fuck, like you’re pushing eighty, not long until you start yelling at kids—” and at this, she cups her hands over her mouth, imitating a megaphone, “Get off my lawn, you capitalist piglets!”

“Okay,” he says, shaking his head, grinning in spite of himself as she yells out “you bourgeoisie microscum!” in a shitty imitation of an elderly man [...]

This is my favourite piece of dialogue in this entire thing. 'Bourgeoisie microscum' fucking kills me every time I read it. Originally I also had 'pushing fifty' as a sly wink at Christian Slater's real age, but no middle aged man has quite the curmudgeonly attitude to pull off 'bourgeoisie microscum'.

That's it for part one, folks! Thanks for reading, if indeed you still are. Click here for part II :D

[shawwillsuffice]

Every album and song referenced in every book by Hanif Abdurraqib

I decided to put together this list after finishing Hanif’s latest full-length book, They Can’t Kill Us Until They Kill Us: Essays. For those not familiar with Hanif, he’s a poet and essayist who really loves to talk about music. He writes a lot about hip hop, punk, and emo, but I also once texted him out of the blue to ask his opinion of the largely forgotten 90′s boy band O-Town and he had a number of clearly well-thought-out observations ready to go immediately. He writes about music in ways that are simultaneously about other very big things in his life and the society and communities that shaped it. It’s something I deeply appreciate, as a person for whom narrative storytelling is often the only way for me to express the things I’m thinking and feeling, for which simpler words just won’t cut it. His books are about fear, or heartbreak, or gentrification, or religion, or death and mourning, or hope, but they’re also pretty much all about music.

With that in mind, I decided to make it my 2018 New Year’s Resolution to listen to every album and song referenced in his books, and since I had to make this list anyway, I figure I’ll share it in case anyone else wants to do the same, or just wants an exhaustive list of Hanif’s music references for some other reason. 

For clarity’s sake, this list includes songs and albums, but not instances where musical artists are named without reference to any of their actual material. I’ve omitted names of individual songs in cases where the albums they appear on are referenced in the same poem or essay. I’ve also tried to include indirect references that rely on context cues without identifying actual titles or song lyrics, though I’m sure I’ve missed some. 

Of course, if any of this sounds at all interesting, I’d recommend buying the books themselves. The chapbooks are quite hard to find, unfortunately. Vintage Sadness famously sold out in pre-sale, even after the publisher more than doubled the print run due to overwhelming demand, and if there are any copies of Three Crosses or To Ex-Girlfriends to be had anywhere besides my bookshelf, I sure as hell can’t find them. However, both of the full-length books, The Crown Ain’t Worth Much and They Can’t Kill Us Until They Kill Us are still very much available.

Three Crosses (2012)

- The Notorious B.I.G., Life After Death (”And it’s full. Been full. Stays full. Full since that ‘97 summer / When Biggie blared out of everything with windows. Everything that could breathe.”) - Johnny Cash, “Oh Bury Me Not” - Taylor Swift, “Last Kiss” - Michael Jackson, “P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)” - Stevie Wonder, “Signed, Sealed, Delivered I’m Yours” (”Michelle Obama loves punk rock music. / Rolls her eyes backstage when Barack picks yet another Stevie Wonder standard to stroll out to during campaign stops.”) - The Clash, “I’m So Bored with the U.S.A.” - The Pogues, Red Roses for Me - Nirvana, In Utero

To Ex-Girlfriends (2014, I think?)

- The Who, “My Generation” - Johnny Cash, “John Henry’s Hammer” - Johnny Cash, “Cocaine Blues” (”In Folsom, they banged on metal tables / when you talked about that .44 you kept under your pillow”) - Jay-Z, Big Pimpin’ - The Notorious B.I.G., “Mo Money Mo Problems” - Diana Ross, “I’m Coming Out” - Johnny Cash, “I Never Picked Cotton” - Jay-Z and Kanye West, “No Church in the Wild” - Against Me!, “Thrash Unreal” - Van Morrison, “Sweet Thing” - Hall & Oates, “Sara Smile” - Hall & Oates, “Rich Girl”

The Crown Ain’t Worth Much (2016)

- Jay-Z, “Where I’m From” - Journey, “Don’t Stop Believin’” - Marvin Gaye, “What’s Going On” (”& he starts in on some marvin & the words ‘brother, brother, brother / there’s far too many of you dying’ crawl from his lips) - Fall Out Boy, “Saturday” - Jay-Z, “Izzo (H.O.V.A.)” (”& Jay-Z called himself Hova / twelve times in one song”) - The Notorious B.I.G., “Mo Money Mo Problems” - Taking Back Sunday, Tell All Your Friends - Nick Drake, “Pink Moon” - The Notorious B.I.G., “N****s Bleed” - Something Corporate, “Konstantine” - Fall Out Boy, “Sugar We’re Goin’ Down” (”We wrote ‘IGNORE YOUR GOD COMPLEX’ in every bathroom stall on campus one of those years even though we knew the right lyrics”) - Kendrick Lamar, good kid, m.A.A.d. city - Whitney Houston, “How Will I Know”  - Third Eye Blind, “Semi-Charmed Life”  - The Temptations, “I Wish It Would Rain” - Nina Simone, “Mississippi Goddamn” - Nina Simone, “Sinnerman” - Nirvana, “Lithium”

Vintage Sadness (2017)

- Blood Orange ft. Carly Rae Jepsen, “Better Than Me” - Kanye West, “Only One”  - Jay-Z and Kanye West, “No Church in the Wild” - Duran Duran, “Girls On Film” - Carly Rae Jepsen, “E*Mo*Tion” - Ginuwine, “Pony” - The Four Seasons, “December, 1963 (Oh What a Night)” - Jay-Z and Kanye West, “Illest Motherfucker Alive” - Aaliyah, “Rock the Boat”  - Soul Decision, “Faded” - Nirvana, “Smells Like Teen Spirit” - Guns N’ Roses, “Welcome to the Jungle” - Kelis, “Milkshake” - Jay-Z, “Izzo (H.O.V.A.)” - Bone Thugs N Harmony, “Crossroads” - Next, “Too Close” - Olivia Newton John, “Let’s Get Physical” - Cutting Crew, “(I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight” - Soul II Soul, “However Do You Want Me”  - Jay-Z and Kanye West, “N****s in Paris”

They Can’t Kill Us Until They Kill Us (2017)

- The U.S. National Anthem - Bruce Springsteen, “Born in the U.S.A.” - Lil Uzi Vert, “XO TOUR Llif3″ - Fetty Wap, “Trap Queen” - Chance the Rapper, Coloring Book - The Social Experiment, “Sunday Candy” - Chance the Rapper, Acid Rap - Drake, Views - Bruce Springsteen, The River - Carly Rae Jepsen, E*Mo*Tion - Carly Rae Jepsen, “Call Me Maybe” - Semisonic, “Closing Time” - Marcy Playground, “Sex and Candy” - Prince, “Baby, I’m a Star” - Bob Dylan, “All Along the Watchtower” - Foo Fighters, “Best of You” - Prince, “Purple Rain” - ScHoolboy Q, Oxymoron - The Notorious B.I.G., “N****s Bleed” - The Weeknd, Kiss Land - The Weeknd, House of Balloons - The Weeknd, Thursday - The Weeknd, Echoes of Silence - Marvin Gaye, What’s Going On - NOFX, “Don’t Call Me White” - Brand New, “Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades” - The Wonder Years, Suburbia I’ve Given You All And Now I’m Nothing - The Wonder Years, The Greatest Generation - The Wonder Years, No Closer to Heaven - Constellations, Alpha - Twenty One Pilots, Regional At Best - Rihanna, “Work” - Cute Is What We Aim For, The Same Old Blood Rush with a New Touch - Richard Hell and the Voidoids, Blank Generation - My Chemical Romance, The Black Parade - My Chemical Romance, May Death Never Stop You - My Chemical Romance, Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys - Defiance, Ohio, Share What Ya Got - Defiance, Ohio, The Great Depression - Fall Out Boy, Folie a Deux - Fall Out Boy, “Saturday” - Fall Out Boy, Infinity on High - Fall Out Boy, From Under the Cork Tree - Bobby Womack, “If You Think You’re Lonely Now” - Fall Out Boy, “Dead On Arrival” - Three 6 Mafia, “Star Fly” - Willie Hutch, “Tell Me Why Has Our Love Turned Cold” - Michael Jackson, Thriller - Ice Cube, AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted - Kendrick Lamar, To Pimp a Butterfly - The Impressions, “People Get Ready” - “The Gospel Train” - “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” - Sam Cooke, “A Change Is Gonna Come” - “Wade in the Water” - Foxx, “Wipe Me Down” - Webbie, Savage Life 2 - Lil Boosie, Incarcerated - Boosie Badazz, Touch Down 2 Cause Hell - Fleetwood Mac, Fleetwood Mac - Fleetwood Mac, Rumours - Atmosphere, When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold - The Notorious B.I.G., Life After Death - Diana Ross, “I’m Coming Out” - Big Pun, “Still Not a Player” - Bertolt Brecht and Elisabeth Hauptmann, The Threepenny Opera - Nina Simone, Nina Simone In Concert - Nina Simone, “Baltimore” - Nina Simone, “Sinnerman” - Lupe Fiasco, Food and Liquor - Migos, Culture - Migos, Juug Season - Migos, “Versace” - “When the Saints Go Marching In” - Johnny Cash, “Folsom Prison Blues” - Johnny Cash, At Folsom Prison - Johnny Cash, “Hurt” - N.W.A., Straight Outta Compton - Ice Cube, “No Vaseline” - 3rd Bass, “Pop Goes the Weasel” - Bone Thugs N Harmony, “Thug Love” - Bubba Sparxxx, Deliverance - Asher Roth, RetroHash - Asher Roth, “I Love College” (”Saw him in 2015 at some festival and a drunk white woman kept yelling at him to play the college song.”) - Macklemore, The Heist - Kendrick Lamar, good kid, m.A.A.d. city - Macklemore, This Unruly Mess I’ve Made - Future, Honest - Future, Dirty Sprite 2 - Future and Drake, What a Time to Be Alive - Future, Evol - Future, Beast Mode - Future, 56 Nights - Future, Purple Reign - Future, Future - Future, HNDRXX

[romancatholicreflections]

31st July >> Daily Reflection on Today's First Reading (Exodus 32:15-24, 30-34) for Roman Catholics on Monday of the Seventeenth Week of Ordinary Time

Commentary on Exodus 32:15-24, 30-34 Before we actually look at today’s reading, we need to see the context in which it takes place. In today’ reading we skip several chapters in which God gives instructions to Moses on the design and furnishings of a sanctuary which is to accompany the Israelites on their journey, as a sign of God’s continuing presence among them. Central to this sanctuary was the Ark of the Covenant which contained the tablets of the Law which Moses had brought down from Mount Sinai after his dialogue with God. The instructions cover items like the Ark, the table on which it is placed, the seven-branched lampstand, the altar of holocausts, oil for the lamps, the priestly vestments, priestly vestments, consecration of priests, ordination sacrifices, altar of incense, anointing oil and incense. Much of what is described seems to apply more to the situation that existed in the Temple after it was built at a much later date. In the meantime, while Moses was getting these instructions from the Lord up on the mountain, the people below began to become impatient. They asked Aaron to provide them with a god as their leader. “As for this man Moses, who brought us to this place, we have no idea what has happened to him.” So Aaron told the men to get all the jewellery from their wives, sons and daughters and to bring it to him. From these offerings Aaron made a golden calf. The ‘golden calf’, a term of contempt, was in fact the statue of a young bull, a common symbol of divinity in the ancient east. It seems that a group in competition with Moses’ group, or a dissident faction of his own group, had or wished to have the figure of a bull to symbolise the presence of God, instead of the Ark of the Covenant. It is not, however, an idol in the strict sense because it represents Yahweh, the Yahweh who brought Israel out of Egypt. The people then cried out with enthusiasm: “This is your God, O Israel, who brought you out of the land of Egypt!” The bull was not even intended to be an image of Yahweh; like other Eastern parallels, it was regarded as the footstool of the unseen deity, which was also the role played by the Ark of the Covenant. On the following day, having seen the reaction of the people, Aaron built an altar before the calf and proclaimed, “Tomorrow is a feast of the Lord.” It is clear from this that the golden calf was intended as an image, not of a false god, but of the Lord himself, his strength being symbolised by the strength of a young bull. The Israelites, however, had been strictly forbidden to represent the Lord under any visible form. It was part of the First Commandment, which we saw the other day, cf. Ex 20:4. Early in the morning, the people offered holocausts and brought peace offerings before the calf and then celebrated with food and drink. Meanwhile, up on the mountain, God began to tell Moses what was going on. He was not at all pleased. “Let me alone, then,” said the Lord, “that my anger may blaze up against them. Then I will make of you a great nation.” “Let me alone” – the Lord anticipates the remonstration Moses is going to make. And indeed, Moses, immediately pleaded on his people’s behalf. Moses is regularly presented as the great mediator: at the time of the plagues; on behalf of his sister Miriam; and especially on behalf of the people on their journey through the desert. He gave two reasons why God should not take vengeance on his people. First, the Egyptians will say that the Hebrews were led out into the desert just so that their God could exterminate them. Secondly, he reminded the Lord of the sacred promises made to Abraham, Isaac and Israel that their descendants would be as numerous as the stars in the sky. So the Lord relented and held back his anger against his people. It is at this point that our reading today begins. Moses leaves the presence of God and comes down the mountain bringing with him the two stone tablets on which the Law was written. They were written on both sides and had been engraved by God himself. When Joshua heard the noise in the Israelite camp, he thought there was a battle going on. Moses replied that they were neither the sounds of victory or defeat but of pure revelry, people having a good time. And, as Moses got near to the camp, he saw the calf and the people dancing around it. He became so angry at the sight that he threw down the two tablets which were smashed into pieces. He took the golden calf and ground it to powder, scattered it on the water of the stream that flowed down the mountainside and forced the Israelites to drink it. Moses then asked his brother, Aaron, what the people could have done to him that he should lead them into such a terrible sin. Aaron very blandly passed the responsibility to the people, who were so prone to evil. He told Moses what they asked him to do and how he had asked them to offer their jewellery. “They gave it to me, and I threw it into the fire, and this calf came out.” Just like that! The next paragraph is omitted from our reading and it is not pleasant reading. When Moses saw the situation he immediately challenged all those who were for the Lord to stand by him. All the Levites rallied round him (Moses himself was from the tribe of Levi). He then gave them instructions to go round the camp and put to the sword even their kinsmen, friends and neighbours. Their kinsmen would have been Levites and hence especially guilty of idolatry. Altogether about 3,000 people were killed in the operation. Moses tells those who had sided with him that, by their action, they are specially dedicated to the Lord and have brought a blessing on themselves. And, because of their zeal for the true worship of the Lord, the Levites were chosen to be special ministers of ritual service. Now, back to the last paragraph of our reading. Moses tells the people that they have committed a very serious sin but that he is going back up to the Lord to ask forgiveness for them. “Perhaps I will be able to make atonement for your sin.” In the presence of the Lord, he acknowledges the seriousness of the people’s sin and begs forgiveness for them. “If you will not, then strike me out of the book you have written.” This ‘book’ is the list of God’s intimate friends. If it will save his people from destruction, Moses is willing to be excluded from this book. Paul speaks in a similar vein when expressing his grief that so many of his fellow-Jews have not accepted Christ. “I could even wish to be separated from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen the Israelites.” And we know how passionately close to Christ Paul was. In reply, the Lord says he will strike from his book only those who have sinned against him. In the meantime, Moses is to continue leading his people according to the Lord’s instructions. God’s protecting angel will be with them. “When it is time for me to punish, I will punish them for their sins.” The Chosen People are full of goodwill. They ratify the most solemn covenants with the Lord with sacrifices and holocausts. Yet, they can so easily fall away. It is not for us to blame them. For we, by and large, are no better. We have so many helps in our Christian faith for leading good lives and yet we fail so often. Let us renew once more our promises to be faithful. It is something, of course, that we can only do with His help.

[shitfics]

One of These Nights (5/?); jongyu; pg

Jinki knows that he’s gay. What he doesn’t know is how to handle a crush on someone as entwined in the music industry as he is. 

part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4

this part is thru the beginning of japanese promotions. i tried to make jongyu’s conversation on blue night kinda imitate this one with kim yeon woo. if anything, i toned it down a bit because i was worried it’d come off too forward for these two. ^^;

this part ends on an angsty note...sorry to make y’all suffer 8) but i thought it was a good stopping point. hopefully, i can get the next part up soon! (and the ao3 link i’ve been putting off) ^^;

***

The trip back to Seoul barely feels like coming home. Between concert preparations and the concerts themselves, Jinki barely has time to breathe, and even the first day he gets to spend with his parents is spent sleeping more than catching up. When he finally manages to find the energy to leave his old bedroom and head downstairs, his mom makes a big show of cooking him a meal, fussing over every dish and making double batches to make sure he gets enough.

Jinki hovers  at the entrance to the kitchen as she works. The smell of spices drifts around him as he takes the opportunity to breathe in the familiar scents.

She peeks her head out of the kitchen. "You have enough rest to join us for dinner tonight?"

When Jinki nods, his mom smiles, an extra pep in her movements as she stirs the pot on the stove. "I'd hoped cooking something fresh would wake you up. There's leftovers from dinner last night since you slept through it, but I didn’t want you to have those for your first real meal here."

"It smells wonderful," Jinki says, stomach grumbling at the sight of the numerous dishes already on the stove. Coming home so rarely meant his mom had to fit all of her mothering into a short window of time, and he had learned over the years that just letting her spoil him freely was easier than trying to stop her.

"Doesn't it smell great?" She laughs. "Your dad says I've gotten even better."

Jinki laughs with her. The ever-present invisible weight on his shoulders lightens, and he finds himself sighing as he slumps against the counter. He never realizes how much he's carrying with him until he comes home, though the relief is the same each time.

"You can go ahead and sit, Jinki, don't wait for me to finish cooking -- I can tell your muscles still need the rest after your concert. I'll bring the food to you."

“Alright.” Jinki drags himself out to the dining table and waits. He can't argue with that when he's still too tired to want to stand, and it’s only a few minutes before his mother enters the room with an armful of dishes.

"So, Jinki..." She sets an empty plate in front of him as she lays bowls filled with his favorite foods out across the rest of the table.  "You haven't been visiting us as much this past year."

Jinki leans back in his seat to read his mother's expression. Though her eyes are playful as she layers food onto his plate, he can tell there's a question under the statement.

"I've been busier lately,” he answers finally, unable to resist digging through the food on his plate at the same time even after she cocks a brow at him. He picks up a perfectly-cooked piece of beef with an excited hum -- all the expensive restaurants in the world couldn’t replace his mom's cooking -- and smiles at her broadly. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around. Those musicals take a lot of time to practice for, and then I've been doing all those TV shows too."

“And here I was thinking you met a girl."  His mom's eyes crinkle when she joins him at the table, resting her chin in her hand. "Sounds like you’re working as hard as always.”

"I don't have time for dating." Jinki shrugs. By now, he's used to dodging that question with his parents, and being an idol has made for an easy excuse ever since he debuted.

"I know you don’t." His mom purses her lips in disapproval. As supportive as she had been about his dream to be a singer, she always had held a dislike for the industry's relentless pace. "And if it’s this bad here, even though you debuted years ago, I'm worried they'll really run you ragged in Japan...”

"It's really not that bad, really," Jinki protests. He tries to smile reassuringly. "I still have enough time to meet up with friends, and read, or do whatever else. I've even made a new friend this year."

"Oh?" His mom blinks. "I don't remember you mentioning anyone. Is he another idol?"

"It, uh, didn't really come up when we talked," Jinki says, though that’s a lie -- he’d avoided bringing Jonghyun up on purpose, because a part of him had feared talking about him at all would make it all-too-obvious he had a crush -- and shoves a mouthful of food in his face to keep from talking.

Of course, his mom picks up on that, and narrows her eyes. “What’s his name?”

“Kim Jonghyun. He's not an idol, but he wrote some of the songs on our last album and we met through that. I don't know if you listen to Blue Night, but that's his show."

"The one that’s on at midnight? I've listened to it a few times, when your father's snoring wakes me up..." she trails off, forehead wrinkling as she tries to remember more. "He has a pleasant voice, doesn't he? He seems sensitive and thoughtful, too, if I’m thinking of the right person."

"Yeah, that’s him," Jinki agrees, unable to help a smile. Ever since hearing some of the criticism Jonghyun had gotten, he had gained an appreciation for the people who thought well of him, and it feels good to know his mom is one of them. "He's a really good singer too, though he doesn't do it professionally. We’ve gone out to karaoke a few times."

"Well, I'm glad you managed to meet someone new." She nods. "I was a little worried you would be lonely this year, since most of your old friends are still doing their service, and I know being around your members isn't the same since they're all younger. Is Jonghyun your age?"

"He's a hyung just a little older than me," Jinki says. "Around four years or so."

"Well, you have always gotten along better with people older than you anyway," she says. "I just hope he's a good influence."

"He is," Jinki answers quickly, then turns back to his food. If his mom let him list everything he liked about Jonghyun, it could take hours, and even his mom might be able to that tell that he's nearly in love with the man after that.

As his mother watches him eat, her lips curve down at the corners in thought. "You keep eating instead of talking about him. I feel like there's something you're not telling me about him."

Jinki gives a closed-lip smile as he tries to finish chewing. He'd failed to realize that omitting too much would look just as suspicious.  He swallows and clears his throat. "It’s not that I’m avoiding anything, really. There's just not much to say about Jonghyun-hyung -- he writes music and hosts his radio show, and we meet up for drinks sometimes. That's really all our friendship is."

"Drinking, huh?" his dad interjects loudly from across the room. "Hopefully not too much of that in public."

Jinki drops his spoon and looks over his shoulder. His dad grins back at him, but he doesn’t let up the glare until his dad places a hand on his shoulder and joins them at the table.

"You know how much it takes me to get drunk, dad -- we have the same tolerance, and we both like to drink alone. I barely get drunk anywhere around other people unless it’s at a company party or at Jonghyun’s place.”

"I'm sure you wouldn't get too wild in public, but I don't know what he’s like."

"He's responsible, don’t worry." Jinki sighs. Though his parents had always trusted him completely, they never seemed to extend it to anyone else around his age. “He’s a lightweight, but he knows his limits. I’ve never seen him more than a bit tipsy, and he always cuts himself off then.”

“Well, that’s good.” He laughs. “Just be careful if you’re going out with girls or he’s inviting some along. Drinking too much around your mother is why we had you when we did.”

“Dad!” Jinki groans, face heating with embarrassment, but his mom slaps his shoulder and giggles.

“He’s only saying that because he avoided his parents when he started dating me, and he was worried you were doing the same. Your father is the one that convinced me you found a girlfriend.”

He looks between both of them, blinking innocently and comically wide. “You mean he’s still hasn’t?”

“I’m not looking for one, dad, and I haven’t. Too busy.”

His dad smiles broadly and drapes an arm over his mother’s back. “When you meet the right woman, you’ll find time to make it work.”

“Yeah, I’ll have my manager add her to my schedule as soon as I meet her.” Jinki crinkles his eyes to make his joke seem genuine and returns to his food.

Thankfully, his parents leave him to it. As always, the moment dinner is done and his dad is home from closing up their butcher shop, they’re completely absorbed in each other. Even with his mood soured by the discussion of his non-existent and never-going-to-happen girlfriend, he can’t help but smile when he sees that their affection is still strong after all these years.

 ***

 The usual camera flashes greet Jinki the moment he leaves the terminal with the rest of the members in Japan, and though he’s used to tuning them out or sending them an occasional smile, they irritate him now. He should be excited about debuting in Japan -- he's more than grateful that they’re big enough to be given the chance to debut in a different market -- but he can't help but wish he was home.

Their first recording is early tomorrow morning, and even though they have an interpreter, he isn’t looking forward to trying to sing in a new studio and through a language barrier. The last time he was in a recording studio, he had been there with Jonghyun, too, and it’s going to be hard not to think of the man when the context is so familiar.

When he gets to their new dorms, he throws down his bags, passes out in the nearest bed to claim it as his own, and that’s the last moment he can really consider himself relaxed before he and the members are swept into the flurry of preparations for their Japanese debut.

Even though he thinks of Jonghyun all through the records, it’s days later (a week later, maybe? He’s not sure) that he remembers his phone died on the second day and he hasn’t checked his messages.

Jinki stumbles blearily through the dark dorm for his charger and plugs into the first outlet he finds, even though it means sitting on the floor as he waits for his phone to power back up. They've barely started, and the constant running around of Japanese promotions is killing him -- it isn't as bad as debut, but something about being unable to understand more than a few phrases without having a translator to mediate his every word adds an extra layer of mental exhaustion.

His stomach clenches with guilt when he sees the number 18 pop up next to Jonghyun’s name.

Opening up his messenger, he prepares himself for the clench that seizes his chest every time he reads through Jonghyun's texts, only to find that it aches hollow this time. Though Jinki hadn’t responded to a single one, Jonghyun still made an effort to say something to him daily, and it’s hard not to smile at the string of message.

realjonghyun85: Hey Jinki-yah! How’s Japan? ^^

realjonghyun85: I hope you’re getting sleep! And decent cell service, he he

realjonghyun85: You don’t have to respond, I know you’re busy ... but at least let me know you’re eating well when you have the chance, okay?

realjonghyun85: Nevermind, I see one of your fansites updated -- you look healthy!  I’m glad!

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah, I know you’re busy, but I’m a little worried...

realjonghyun85: Are you okay? I know you were nervous about your Japanese ... don’t be too hard on yourself, alright?

realjonghyun85: Drinking is really boring without you, Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: I don’t know how you stand drinking alone

realjonghyun85: I miss you a lo

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah ... you can ignore that last message...

realjonghyun85: Not that I don’t miss you! ^^; but, I was just feeling sensitive from drinking...

realjonghyun85: I’m not sure if I should just assume you’re really busy, or worry that Taemin used your phone and lost it...

realjonghyun85: But when you’re back, I better hear that you read one of the books I gave you!

realjonghyun85: That’s the only way I’ll forgive you for ignoring me, got it!?

realjonghyun85: ...I’m teasing, of course ^^;

realjonghyun85: Did you get to see the moon last night?

realjonghyun85: It was really pretty ... I felt inspired for the first time in a few days

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah, I'll have a good song for you when you all come back

Jinki chews his lip guiltily when he reaches the last message. He wants to respond right now, but it’s already two in the morning, and he knows Jonghyun is likely to be wide-awake for another few hours. He’s not sure he has the courage to message him when it could get an immediate response, after he’d obviously worried him by avoiding him.

But then again -- if he doesn’t do it now, when is he going to find the time?

Taking a deep breath, he summons his courage and starts to type.

majingki: Jonghyunnie-hyung...

majingki: Are you awake?

majingki: I’m so sorry I missed your messages TT

majingki: We’ve been so busy, I forgot to charge my phone...

majingki: We finished recording today and I just realized it was dead

majingki: I’m really sorry hyung ... thank you for messaging me so much

majingki: I seriously miss you a lot

 His screen stays blank for a minute, before he hears the ping of a new message.

 realjonghyun85: Do you really, Jinki-yah?

majingki: Yes, of course TT I’m so sorry again...

majingki: I really didn’t mean to miss your messages hyung TT

realjonghyun85: I believe you ... but you made me worry

realjonghyun85: I was afraid your managers took your phone or something ... I’ve heard that idols sometimes aren’t allowed phones during debut

realjonghyun85: I was worried maybe they were doing that for your Japanese debut...

majingki: Don’t worry, I still have my phone ... ^^

majingki: Even if they took it, I’d find a way to message you

realjonghyun85: You’d get yourself in trouble for me? He he

realjonghyun85: Be careful with that, Jinki-yah

majingki: You’re my friend, of course I would

majingki: I feel bad I missed talking to you for so long TT

majingki: How have you been doing? We haven’t talked about the holidays at all

realjonghyun85: Ah, yeah ... I just spent it with my mom and noona

realjonghyun85: It was a short break, and I’m already tired again now

realjonghyun85: I've been doing lots of recordings lately...

realjonghyun85: Though on the other end of things from you he he

realjonghyun85: How about you? Did your Seoul concerts go well?

realjonghyun85: I'm sure they did since it's you, but I want to hear it ^^

majingki: You're so confident in me hyung he he

majingki: The concerts went well ^^

majingki: And I finally have some energy to read while traveling instead of sleeping he he

majingki: I haven’t gotten a chance to read, though... what book should I start with?

majingki: I’m sure you’re already reading don't want to fall behind TT

realjonghyun85: I’ve started the one with the dragon on the front

realjonghyun85: Sodam said it's my kind of book ... and I do like it so far

realjonghyun85: If you want to start another one we can, though you already picked last time

majingki: Yeah, I did... I know you didn’t like it much, sorry ^^;

majingki: So we can do this one then

majingki: But the summary ... I’m looking at it now ... something about a journey ...

majingki: Is this some lord of the rings thing again ... ?

realjonghyun85: It's not!! It's really not!!

realjonghyun85: I remember you didn't really like those books!!!

realjonghyun85: You told me the truth when you were drunk and we watched the movies

majingki: Did I? He he

majingki:  Sorry ... I wanted to read them for you but they're just not my thing

realjonghyun85: You're too nice Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: But I promise this one's different!! There’s no wars or orcs!!!

realjonghyun85: No long descriptions of nature!!!

realjonghyun85: Just a long journey and adventurers traveling together from what Sodam told me

majingki: ...A long journey? Adventurers?

majingki: Hyung, that sounds a lot like lord of the rings

realjonghyun85: It's not!!! It's really not Jinki-yah!

realjonghyun85: There's no elves or dwarves or anything... most of the characters are human

majingki: Mostly human? He he

majingki: Where do you find these books hyung ...

realjonghyun85: Don’t be mean TT I told you Sodam recommended it

realjonghyun85: Even if it's boring, it has to be better than the anatomy book you made us read last...

majingki: Those are really interesting, you know! And I thought it might be useful for you!

majingki: That kind of knowledge helps for weight-lifting, right?

realjonghyun85: Are you saying I look like I don’t know what I’m doing with that ... hmph

realjonghyun85: You've seen me, right?

majingki: Yeah, I've seen you ^^

realjonghyun85: I'm working out even more now too

realjonghyun85: Since we aren't drinking every other night...

realjonghyun85: Soon I’ll have a dragon ball body he he

majingki: Really hyung? He he

majingki: I guess I'll see the results when I get back ^^

realjonghyun85: No point in it if I’m not going to show it off, right

realjonghyun85: It'll be hot then, so I can go sleeveless

majingki: You can go sleeveless now hyung ^^ It’s a pretty warm spring, isn’t it?

realjonghyun85: Maybe~

 ***

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah...

realjonghyun85: How are you?

realjonghyun85: How's Japan??

realjonghyun85: It’s been a few days since we’ve talked ... TT

realjonghyun85: At least during your promotions here I could see you often on TV

majingki: Yeah ... I’m sorry hyung

majingki: If you miss me that much, you can go through old fansite data? ^^

realjonghyun85: You say that like it’s easy ... it can be hard to get to pictures

realjonghyun85: I have to level up more first...

majingki: Level up?

majingki: You actually joined a site??

realjonghyun85: I wanted to see what they were like!!

realjonghyun85: You teased me about following one on twitter, so I might as well join one for real

realjonghyun85: And now I’m like a spy ... I'll be able give you insight on your fans

majingki: So you’re ... posing as my fan?

realjonghyun85: What is that "..." for??

realjonghyun85: Sigh ...  I'm being too weird, aren't I...

majingki: It's not bad ^^

realjonghyun85: Good!!

realjonghyun85: Ah I just remembered

realjonghyun85: I wanted to ask

realjonghyun85: How far are you in that book? Are you liking it?

majingki: Not too far, we've been pretty busy TTT

majingki: Working on pronunciation takes forever and I’ve only gotten to read when we’re in the car

majingki: I'm a fourth of the way through

majingki: Are you already done?

realjonghyun85: Ah, yeah ... I’m pretty close to the end

realjonghyun85: I’m kind of shocked by what’s happening ... I don’t know how my noona found a book like this

majingki: Hyung!!!

majingki: Stop!!!

majingki: Don't tell me more!!

majingki: I actually want to read it on my own... TT Don’t spoil it

realjonghyun85: Sorry Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: I'm not used to you minding spoilers for fantasy

realjonghyun85: Where are you at then?

majingki: I'm at the part where the adventurers go to the inn bathhouse together

realjonghyun85: Ah... but you’re not done with that scene yet, right?

realjonghyun85: I don't want to spoil anything ... but ... it’s okay if you stop reading there

majingki: Uh ... why would I stop?

majingki: Does something happen?

realjonghyun85: I just worry it might be awkward

realjonghyun85: My sister didn't warn me about the book having those things

realjonghyun85: I don’t mind, but I understand if you do ^^;

majingki: What things?

majingki: ...Is there a sex scene or something?

majingki: You don’t have to worry about my innocence hyung ^^

realjonghyun85: It’s not a sex scene! You have a dirty mind!

majingki: What else am I supposed to think it is? TT

majingki: You won’t tell me...

realjonghyun85: I know, he he ... sorry

realjonghyun85: Um ...

realjonghyun85: Where you’re at ... the main character starts getting feelings for his guide

realjonghyun85: It’s kind of obvious, too

majingki: Oh

majingki: He does?

realjonghyun85: Yeah

realjonghyun85: Sorry if it’s awkward ... ^^;

realjonghyun85: Since they’re both men ...

majingki: It’s fine

majingki: I don't mind it

realjonghyun85: Really?

reajonghyun85: You don't?

majingki: It's just a story

realjonghyun85: Yeah...

realjonghyun85: I guess so

majingki: Did you want to stop reading because of that?

realjonghyun85: No, not at all

realjonghyun85: I was only worried how you might react

realjonghyun85: We never talk about that kind of thing, so ...

realjonghyun85: I should have known you'd be mature about it though

majingki: Of course ^^

majingki: I'm only a few years younger than you, after all

realjonghyun85: Still, there are people older than you who would be bothered

majingki: Some people are bothered by anyone different

realjonghyun85: Yeah ... you’re right

majingki: And it makes sense for them to start liking each other anyway

majingki: Since they're spending so much time together

majingki: I don't like romance in stories that feels random

realjonghyun85: He he ... that’s very true

realjonghyun85: It feels really natural

majingki: Yeah

realjonghyun85: Being friends first makes more sense

majingki: I think so too

  ***

 Jinki slows down to let Minho sling an arm around his shoulders as they walk back off of the filming site for their remake of Juliette. Though Minho’s arm is coming from a different height, the gesture somehow still reminds him of Jonghyun, and it only makes it harder not to rush him back to the van. They had managed to wrap up the night-time filming an hour before midnight, and if they get back to their dorm fast enough, Jinki will have just enough time to charge his dead phone and catch Blue Night. He missed the radio show, and though he’d been able to text Jonghyun more often lately, he still hasn’t gotten a chance to sit and listen to his voice since their Japanese promotions had begun.

To Jinki's relief, the other members pile into the van quickly, in a rush to leave the set and grab their usual post-filming food as fast as possible. The four of them beg their managers into taking them to some restaurant on the other side of the city, which allows Jinki to be dropped off at the dorm along the way.

The fact he’s getting actual alone time doesn’t sink in until he’s in the elevator with nothing but himself and his key card. He sighs and presses his forehead against the cool metal doors. Though a part of him wants to take the time to enjoy more than a quick jerk-off in the shower, he knows he’d regret missing Blue Night. Theoretically, he could do both, but...he hasn’t used Jonghyun’s voice for that purpose since they’d gotten close -- it felt weird, somehow, even though his fantasies are still centered on the thought of seducing Jonghyun or that one night of drunken cuddling going further.

He pushes those thoughts away when the elevator doors slide open. He can enjoy them later, if he has the time, but for now, he can at least appreciate that the members can’t tease him for smiling too much while he listens to the show.

Jinki manages to get his phone to turn back on just as the clock hits midnight. He plugs in his headphones quickly, hands fumbling as he rushes to open the radio app to Blue Night, and catches the end of the intro song before he hears Jonghyun’s Blue Night.

"This is Jonghyun at Blue Night."

It's what he always begins with, but this time, Jinki's chest clenches at the introduction. It really has been forever since he's heard Jonghyun's voice, and even through the crackle of his headphones, it sounds warm and smooth.

At the first song, Jinki closes his eyes, imagining Jonghyun humming along to the slow tune as it plays in the broadcasting station. He had never gotten a chance to visit Jonghyun at his work before, but he knows Jonghyun can't resist singing along to whatever music catches his ears, whether he was in public or not, and he imagines the can’t resist joining in even when he’s hosting the radio show.

As if confirming his guess, and Jonghyun hums a repeat of the chorus when the song fades, then laughs at himself lightly. "It's a good melody to sing along to, right? Simple but pretty. That was Tablo's new song -- I helped him write it, you know. We collaborated."

Jinki grins at the pride in Jonghyun's voice. He'd been talking about that song for a while.

"We don't have a guest on the schedule today, so we'll be working in a lot of listener questions tonight. I always like hearing what my listeners have to say, so please feel free to send in any thoughts you have."

Jinki runs his finger around the edge of his phone. He could send a question or a message -- Jonghyun would probably like that, especially if he could figure out it sent from him. But would it be more fun to make up an elaborate story, or just send a message as himself to let him know he’s listening?

I could ask him about one-sided love -- see if he'd want to be confessed, even if there was little chance he would ever like that someone back.

Pressing his the heel of his hands against his eyes, Jinki rolls over onto his stomach. He's not sure he'd want to hear the answer to that, actually. And it wouldn't change how he’ll deal with his feelings -- even if Jonghyun isn’t bothered by a man loving another man in a story, he can't imagine he’d be comfortable learning that one of his closest friends had fallen for him.

When he realizes his thoughts have taken him away from the broadcast, Jinki turns up the volume on his phone to get re-absorbed in the show and catches the end of a story. "Well, that was a long one -- though we have more time than usual, I don't think we'll get through that many messages tonight, if the rest are like that...it looks like everyone is sending in long ones. And there’s a lot more questions about songwriting and music than usual.” He laughs. “Was my last song that popular?"

"Minho loves it," Jinki responds, as if Jonghyun can hear him. He liked it too, but Jonghyun already knew that.

"Ah, I finally found a short one." Jonghyun shifts into his reading voice for the question aloud. "’You've worked with a lot of idols recently. Are there any that stick out to you as particularly talented, o rany that you’ve gotten close to?’"

Jinki sits up on his elbows, now listening intently

"Idol friends?” Jonghyun pauses to consider it. “It's hard to make any, the way you would with non-celebrities. They have a different life than us, most of the time, even though they’re people too. They're always busy with something or another, or they’re traveling, and it's hard for most of them to go out much without being recognized. But I’ve gotten close to one of them.”

Jinki swallows -- he knows, logically, that Jonghyun means him, but at the same time, he can’t help but worry there might be someone else--

"Jinki -- ah, sorry, Onew-ssi, from SHINee, is the one I’m closest to. He’s my dongsaeng and I like to treat him to things -- we've gone out a lot since we met when I was working on his group’s last Korean album. They’re promoting in Japan right now, so we haven't gotten to see each other for a long time...but we still message each other weekly and share the books we’re reading. Even though he’s far away, I still consider him one of my best friends.” Jonghyun gives a shy laugh that makes Jinki’s heart clench. “Ah, it feels odd saying that on air for some reason...he's not really the type to openly discuss having such a friendship, and he values his privacy."

A smile blooms on Jinki’s lips. He hadn't realized Jonghyun considered them that close. Though he supposes Jonghyun's actions showed it -- Jonghyun did travel to another country just to see his first concert -- he had been so casual about it that Jinki was convinced he’d do the same for any other friend.

Jonghyun’s laugh draws his attention back to the radio. "You know, I feel like I should play a SHINee song now. Is that alright? They just rereleased this song as a single in Japanese a few weeks ago, for their debut over there, but we'll be playing the original version -- nothing quite beats a classic."

When the audio cuts to the familiar opening beats of Replay, Jinki's already wide smile break into a grin. He swipes open his phone quickly, no longer able to resist the urge to text Jonghyun.

majingki: Hey hyung~ ^^

majingki: I hear you were talking about me?

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah!

realjonghyun85: You’re up?

majingki: Yeah ^^

majingki: We had to film something at night

realjonghyun85: Oh, I see

realjonghyun85: Were you listening to me?

realjonghyun85: Ah, I’m embarrassed now ... I only spoke that way because I thought you weren’t!

realjonghyun85: Now you think I’m soft-hearted and cheesy don’t you... TT

majingki: Yeah, I was listening, hyung ^^

majingki: But I didn’t need to hear you talk about your feelings to know you’re cheesy

majingki: I’ve known you’re that way for a while he he

realjonghyun85: Really, you tease me too much TT

majingki: It’s fun, though ^^

majingki: I missed listening to you ... sorry I haven’t listened all this time

majingki: Can I call you?

realjonghyun85: Why do you have to ask me when I’m at work, huh TT

realjonghyun85: Unless you want to be on air you’ll have to wait till 2 AM

majingki: I meant after your show ...

majingki: But being on air is fine too ^^

majingki: Wouldn't it be fun?

realjonghyun85: Eh?

realjonghyun85: You're serious?

majingki: Yeah ^^

majingki: Do you not have time to fit me?

realjonghyun85: Ah, it's not that he he

realjonghyun85: Of course I want you to call

realjonghyun85: But your company ...

majingki: They don't control us that tightly, hyung

majingki: Not enough to stop me from calling a friend

majingki: Even if that friend happens to host a radio show ^^

realjonghyun85: You’re such a rebel!

realjonghyun85: I'll let you on then ... sounds fun

realjonghyun85: Right now, your song’s ending so I need to check with the PD

realjonghyun85: But I’ll either call you after a little introduction or let you know we can’t fit you

realjonghyun85: Okay?

realjonghyun85: Wait for me, Jinki-yah

majingki: Okay hyung ^^

realjonghyun85: Just don't fall asleep!

When the next song finally comes to an end, a knot forms in Jinki's stomach as it sinks in that he’s going to be speaking to Jonghyun on air -- not in at his house, or in a bar, where he could easily change the subject and brush off any awkwardness from his crush -- but in front of an audience, where he’d have to act professional and hope no one could hear the pining behind his words.

"I have a little surprise tonight, for all of my listeners that are SHINee fans.”

Jinki turns his attention back to the radio.

"Remember when I talked about Onew before the commercial break? He was actually listening to me talk about our friendship earlier all the way from Japan, and messaged me to say hello. He asked to call, and the PD gave me permission, so we're going to put him on now, as soon as I can call him..."

Jinki unplugs his headphones to avoid any feedback and sits up straighter. At the first ring of his phone, he takes a deep breath and puts on his stage smile to keep his voice steady when he answers the call. "Hello? Jonghyun?"

"Onew! I'm calling from my radio show. Can you hear me alright?"

"Yeah, I can hear you, hyung." Jinki smiles, unable to help it. The reception of the call isn’t as clear as the broadcast had been, but he can still hear the warmth in Jonghyun’s voice.

"Good!" Jonghyun enthuses. "I was worried an intentional call wouldn't work well. You're still in Japan, right?"

"Yeah. All of SHINee is here still," Jinki answers, going along with the conversation. "We just wrapped up the filming for our next music video tonight. The members are out eating. I wanted to rest a bit."

"So this music video...it's for Juliette, right? How different are the lyrics in this version? I'm curious if they'd translate..." Jonghyun trails off, sucking in a harsh breath. "Wow. Sorry, the PD wanted me to check the messages -- you haven't even been on for a minute, and our system is already blowing up."

Jinki laughs. "Sorry about that, hyung."

"It's not a bad thing, obviously -- that’s the power of a celebrity. And I'd already gotten some messages just from mentioning you and our friendship, anyway..." Jonghyun huffs. "Some people don't seem to believe I could actually be that close with someone from SM."

"Really? Why not?" Jinki asks, confused. He can't imagine why anyone would think Jonghyun would lie about that.

"I don't know...maybe I complain too much about being a loner on air. But I do have friends, and you’re one of them, even if I never mentioned you much until now. I’ve posted about you before! I went to your concert in Japan! And we read books together, write music together, play billiards together--"

"Drink a lot together,” Jinki interrupts.

Jonghyun laughs. "Are you allowed to admit that?"

"Well, we're close enough to speak honestly, aren't we?"

"Yes, of course," Jonghyun says. There’s an easy lift in his voice that makes it easy for Jinki to picture the grin he’s wearing on the other end of the line. "We're always close enough to speak honestly with each other, as long as it doesn't get you in trouble -- or me in trouble, for ruining your image."

"You won't get in trouble, hyung. It's fine for me to admit that I drink. We've been men for two comebacks now." Jinki grins. Falling into banter with Jonghyun is always easy.

"Yes, that's true, isn’t it? You were already a man when I met you," Jonghyun says, and something about the way he says it nearly makes Jinki lose his breath. "Do you think you'll be men again for your next Korean album, or will you turn back into boys?"

"Um, well -- good question.” Jinki stalls for a moment to fight the flush on his cheeks. “Since we're re-releasing our old songs in Japan, we're boys again at the moment, so I'm not sure what we'll be once we're back -- we’re still working on time traveling, though we’re already quite good at it."

"Yes, as all idols are," Jonghyun agrees with complete seriousness. "You all have such intense schedules, it's a necessary skill. I hope you can use that skill to find the time to visit soon."

Jinki bunches up the nearby sheets under his hand, trying not to sound overly excited when Jonghyun jumps subjects.  "I think I can work something out -- I might have a day free back home soon."

"Oh? You should spend it with me -- we'll go out for food. I'll buy you lots and lots, okay? And drinks too, as usual."

"Thank you, hyung," Jinki says, brimming with warmth. "I appreciate you having me on air and always buying me things -- I like you a lot."

He flushes the moment the words leave his mouth. He's so used to saying that on air for fans and hosts, to get the cheers that follow, but this was Jonghyun -- why had he thought that would be a good idea?

"Hah...Jinki-yah..." Jonghyun fumbles for words, clearly flustered. "You're not normally this affectionate with me. You'll make my listeners jealous."

"Ah, I like them a lot too, though."

"You do?"He laughs. "Then you have to come visit Blue Night sometime, to prove it."

"Sure, hyung. Once we're back in Seoul for a while."

"Please do!" The line goes silent for a moment, then Jonghyun sighs, disappointment edging into his words. "PD’s orders...I should get back to the expected program now. Thank you again for calling, Jin--Onew-ssi. Eat well, and get some rest too, alright? Good luck on your new single!"

"I am, and I will -- thanks, hyung." Jinki smiles, and the knowledge that Jonghyun is on a fixed schedule is the only thing that makes it possible to resist buying more time on the phone with Jonghyun. "I'll see you soon, hopefully."

“For sure.”

The line goes dead, and Jinki groans at the silence left behind. When the ping of an incoming message comes from his phone, he groans louder, and spends a whole minute debating whether or not he has the courage to see what Jonghyun will say.

 ***

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah ^^

realjonghyun85: Thanks for letting me call ... I know we had to talk about trivial things, since we were on air ... but it was good to chat with you still!

realjonghyun85: I hope you had some fun being on Blue Night!!

realjonghyun85: You know it’s my pride

majingki: Of course hyung!! I love your show and listen to it lots

majingki: It was nice to participate in it this time ^^

realjonghyun85: Yeah? I'll call you more often then

majingki: I’d like if you called me more~ ^^ whether or not its for the radio

realjonghyun85: You have to call me too though!!

realjonghyun85: It's hard for me to know when I should, so I get nervous ... I can't keep track of your schedule

majingki: Ah, I didn't think of that... TT

majingki: I'll try and call you more then

majingki: Or at least let you know my schedule

realjonghyun85: He he good

realjonghyun85: I think I already know one part of your schedule though ...

majingki: Really?

realjonghyun85: Yeah ...

realjonghyun85: I know you should be sleeping right now ...

realjonghyun85: Am I right Jinki-yah? ^^

majingki: I guess TT

majingki: Do you not want to talk more?

realjonghyun85: Of course I want to talk to you more!

realjonghyun85: But you need the rest ... and I need to drive home he he

majingki: Okay ... I’ll sleep for now then

majingki: And message you in the morning? ^^

majingki: Or you can leave messages for me while I’m sleeping?

realjonghyun85: Alright Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: I’ll let you know what I do tonight

realjonghyun85: Though I’m warning you, it’s boring ... just staying home and watching movies

majingki: I’d like that, though

majingki: Maybe we could do that soon?

majingki: We have a Korean schedule coming up ... so I’ll be there for a bit, with one free day

majingki: But I can try and see you then?

realjonghyun85: Yes!! Please!!

realjonghyun85: You won't be able to escape me he he

realjonghyun85: I'm going to fill you up with food from your home county ...  and alcohol~

majingki: You make it sound like a threat, hyung ...

majingki: But I'm looking forward to it ^^

realjonghyun85: Hopefully, it’ll be soon then!

majingki: I hope so too he he

majingki: Good night hyung

majingki: I hope I wasn't too affectionate on air ^^;

realjonghyun85: No such thing!! Not from you he he

realjonghyun85: You’re my favorite dongsaeng ^^

majingki: He he ... it was cheesy though, right?

majingki: I just missed you a lot

realjonghyun85: A little ... but I like you a lot too

realjonghyun85: So don’t worry about it ... alright?

majingki: Alright ^^ Thanks hyung

realjonghyun85: You too!

realjonghyun85: Good night Jinki-yah

  ***

 Outside the back exit of their Seoul dorms, Jinki takes a long inhale of the night air to absorb the scent. Logically, he's sure that all cities must smell like the same mix of pollution and people, but the undertones of Seoul make it unique enough for him to distinguish it as home. It's not where he was born, or where his parents are, but he’s been year for so many years now -- and it's the only place he wants to be on his only free night before they go back to Japan.

In a different part of the city, Jonghyun is already waiting for him, and he hasn't gotten to see Jonghyun in person since their concert three months ago. He’d gotten better and better at keeping in touch with him through messaging and the occasional phone call, but it still isn’t the same as getting to see him in person.

Though he wanted to see Jonghyun as soon as he was done with his morning schedules, he still has a short while to wait before Jonghyun would be free.

Meaning he had plenty of time to relax himself. After checking to make sure the small alley is clear, Jinki digs into his pocket for the lighter and pack of cigarettes he had bought the moment they'd returned to Korea. Their Japanese management stuck to them like glue, and he hadn’t had a chance to sneak in a smoke while they were there, even though he’d needed the stress relief more than ever. He couldn't risk lighting one up on the balcony of their new dorm and ruining their fresh image, not when their more obsessive fans had already found the address.

At least in Korea, he knows where to hide for his indulgence.

Jinki lights his cigarette and takes a long drag, letting his eyes fall closed as the smoke fills his lungs before releasing it with a sigh and a smile. It's been far too long since he's gotten to do this. He slumps down as he relaxes, tucking himself further under the stairs of the fire escape. There’s background noise, from cars and people, but it was nothing like traveling all over Japan with the members. They were still new there, and didn’t yet have the luxury of individual rooms, which made Jinki more than a little stir-crazy from managing four personalities and tempers on top of his own.

On his second cigarette, he remembers to check the time, and swears immediately -- now he's late. He stands on his toes and reaches for the empty can he keeps hidden under the stairs of the fire escape to shove the ends of his cigarettes inside, then pulls his facemask up over his ears and and runs towards the street to hail a cab.

When he finally arrives Jonghyun's apartment building, Jinki stops at one of the windows in the hallway leading to his door, unable to help giving his hair and outfit a quick lookover. He’d given up any hope of his crush fading while they were apart. His feelings are just as strong as they had been when he had last seen Jonghyun, if not stronger. That last moment they’d had together in Japan, and the efforts Jonghyun had made to keep in contact with him, made it impossible not to hope that there was at least some chance his feelings might be returned.

But, that was still too unlikely for him to risk confessing anything himself.

With a sigh, Jinki draws back from the glass and heads to the door of Jonghyun’s apartment. He rings the doorbell and shoves his hands back in his pockets to keep from fidgeting. The pad of socked feet rushing to the door makes him smile, and he fixes his bangs one last time just before the lock unclicks.

Jonghyun opens the door and greets Jinki with a broad smile.

"Jinki-yah!"  

He throws himself through the doorway to give Jinki a hug hard enough to nearly lock him off balance. Jinki laughs, but it dies in his throat when Jonghyun tightens his arms and a familiar flutter rises back in his chest. He let's his own hands fall to Jonghyun's waist, and Jonghyun gives him another squeeze, making no attempt to back away even as his words fall into the crook of Jinki's neck. "Shit, I missed you."

"I missed you too, hyung," Jinki mumbles, cheeks warming.

"I'm not used to you being the late one -- did you get a head start on drinking or something?" Jonghyun scrunches his nose as he steps away from Jinki and fixes his glasses. "You already smell like a bar."

Jinki sniffs at his jacket. The scent of cigarettes is barely noticeable to him, but Jonghyun had always mentioned he had a sensitive nose, and this was the first time he’d squeezed a smoke in right before seeing him. "No, I came right here after packing. I just had a smoke right before I left, though, since I haven’t been able to in Japan."

Jonghyun's amused expression falls. "...You smoke?"

"Yeah? I thought you knew." Jinki shrugs. "It helps with stress. A lot of other idols do it. I picked up the habit from some of my sunbaes when I was a trainee."

"You started smoking during your training period?” Jonghyun asks, voice straining with poorly hidden admonishment. “You were supposed to be working on improving your voice then. And your company didn't stop you after you debuted?"

"They can't control everything about our lives." Jinki shrugs. "As far as I can tell, they don’t even know that I do. It's not like I'd let our managers or anyone else who'd get pissed about it find out."

"Well, I found out." Jonghyun frowns. "And I can’t believe you smoke. It's irresponsible, Jinki. You're a singer -- you need to take care of your voice, not damage it for a stupid habit.."

"I know that, hyung. I'm not stupid.” Jinki sighs and pushes a hand through his hair, trying to keep his temper from rising. “Do you have to argue with me about this now?"

"Yeah, since I just found out about it. If I had known before, I would have argued with you then."

"Well, I don't want to talk about it, hyung." Jinki tries to smile.  "And you’re not going to convince me to quit in one night, so let's just go and get drinks."

"If we go to a bar, all I'm going to think about is how many times you might have smoked before without me knowing it...” He shakes his head and sighs. “I can’t believe you never told me you smoke."

"It’s something I only do when I’m alone, and it’s not really your business," Jinki says sharply. "Just because you're my hyung doesn't mean you need to lecture me."

Jonghyun pinches the bridge of his nose sighs, then looks at him with a teacher-like patience that only makes Jinki's temper flare more. "Jinki, I didn't say anything about your age."

"Then stop talking to me like I'm a clueless kid!" Jinki snaps. “I know it’s a bad habit, but I don’t want to quit right now, alright?”

Jonghyun's volume finally raises to meet Jinki’s. "You need to quit now, Jinki -- before you really hurt your voice! I’m not trying to control you, and if you'd just calm down and listen, you'd realize that I only want to help."  

"Whatever, hyung." Jinki cuts Jonghyun off and yanks his face mask out of his pocket. Hands shaking, he hooks the strings over his ears clumsily and reaches for the door. "I'm going back to the dorm. I don’t want to deal with being lectured on my only night off."

"Jinki, wait -- c'mon--" Jonghyun rushes to follow him, but he’s too slow to stop Jinki from stepping outside and slamming the door behind him.

Jinki pulls his beanie down over his ears to block out the last echo of Jonghyun's voice through the door. He rushes to the staircase, skipping the elevator in the hopes that stomping down the stairs will drown out the throb of anger in his head and keep Jonghyun from following him. When he finally steps outside, the smack of his breath against the heavy air makes him realize just how worked up he'd gotten, and his cheeks burn with shame as he remembers their last exchange before he’d left.  

He shouldn't have gotten so angry over something so petty -- he knows Jonghyun has the best intentions -- but he can’t help but be upset with him. His smoking is bad, obviously, but Jonghyun shouldn't have pushed him about it on the only night they'll get to have together in weeks.

Jinki glances back up at Jonghyun's apartment building. Half of him wants to apologize, but his pride won’t let him go back up after storming out. Not wanting to risk Jonghyun coming out of the building to look for him, Jinki walks further down the street before pulls out his phone to call a cab.

His phone screen flips between light and dark as he flicks the light screen on and off, unable to resist checking to see if Jonghyun will text him some miraculous apology that would bring them back to before they'd fought. As much as he’s afraid of what Jonghyun might say, the dead silence is worse, and he finds himself glowering at the taxi driver’s cheerful greeting when he finally pulls up.

To make up for his rudeness, he tips the driver extra when they reach the dorm building, but the genuine thanks he gets does nothing to cure his sour mood. All the adrenaline is out of his system, but he's still irritated enough that it takes him a few tryings of smashing the keys of the number lock on the door to their dorm to put in the right code. When he finally gets it, he swings the door open and slams it behind him, yanking down the zipper of his jacket as he flings his bag aside.

"Oh, hyung, uh--" Taemin shoots up from the couch when he enters the living room and fumbles to hide his phone. "I thought you were seeing Jonghyun tonight?"

"He canceled," Jinki grumbles, too irritated to tease Taemin about whatever he’d been up to. He tosses his jacket over the first piece of furniture he sees and doesn’t bother to adjust it to keep it from having wrinkles in the morning. "I already finished packing, so I’m just going to sleep till our flight.”

"...Okay," Taemin agrees, clearly hesitant to ask what put Jinki in such a bad mood. “I’ll see you in the morning, hyung.”

"Sure." Jinki forces out a grateful smile before he shuts the door of his room behind him, wanting to be by himself. At least Taemin would respect him enough to leave him alone.

[somnilogical]

Intercommunity Jargon Bargain

Our characters (in order of appearance):

metagameface :3 is @metagameface Hive is Hive 微梦 is @somnilogical Serei c: is @serinemolecule kerapace :s is @kerapace

All have given their express permission to be quoted under these names. The following is a complete transcript of the discourse. Enjoy :3

metagameface :3 - 昨天晚上9點01分 Like, having a term for women with penises, is making it more of a category than it probably needs to be, because the contexts in which you need to specifically talk about women with penises are few, compared the the contexts in which you need to talk about women, or talk about people with penises. Hive - 昨天晚上9點07分 Something tells us any such term would be worn out in seconds on the euphemism treadmill. metagameface :3 - 昨天晚上9點10分 Right, but my point is that the desire to have a term seems suspect, because why are you singling out women with penises to the point that you need a quicker way to refer to them as a group? 微梦 - 昨天晚上9點18分 because futa are hot and sex is important to people? Hive - 昨天晚上9點21分 Considering all the trans people we know irl experience a good deal of like, discomfort and distress w/r/t their genitals, putting them in a group that defines them specifically by genitals seems really shitty. 微梦 - 昨天晚上9點25分 yeah different people have different needs and the needs of pervs is outweighed by the needs of innocent victims. IDK this is probably not a thing to say in public with people who are not your friends. Arguing over which priors to use for generic [member of class] isn't fun. metagameface :3 - 昨天晚上9點28分 nods 微梦 - 昨天晚上9點28分 Just like give a survey or something maybe. Hive - 昨天晚上9點33分 We think that's just it though Somni, at least from our experience, like, trans men for instance, don't want to be in the set of [trans men] they want to be in the set of [men]. They don't want to be treated like a special case distinct from the generic [men] set.  Most people don't transition from like, male to transgender, they transition from male to female. 微梦 - 昨天晚上9點43分 Not all trans people want to assimilate into social structures for the gender they transition to, but for ~90% probably. Trans people, however aren't the only morally relevant agents involved here. The people who creep and perv on trans people (including pervs who are trans) also have experiences and emotions. And being able to talk about what you like is important for them emotionally. When interacting with trans people who are not a part of their subculture using the distinction is probably a net negative utility wise. I see not problem with these people having and using terms with these distinctions within their own subculture. And I think this is a ~motte and bailey. A bit here or something. The conversation started vague and now I am talking about specific solutions. So we should probably refresh and update when these things happen to see if we still disagree. I disagree with you if you say that a distinction between [girls] and [girls] with dicks is a net negative for the world. Serei c: - 昨天晚上9點46分 @metagameface :3, having a term for women with penises is quite relevant when you're, like looking for porn of women with penises which is the context in which this was brought up 微梦 - 昨天晚上9點48分 ^ Serei c: - 昨天晚上9點49分 also futas are different from women with penises, or at least the Japanese term 'futa' is 微梦 - 昨天晚上9點49分 eh yes but also it gets applied to trans girls people have arguments about this on like 4chan metagameface :3 - 昨天晚上9點50分 @Serei c: Ah, I missed that context 微梦 - 昨天晚上9點50分 Okay I mean grrr maybe I am being 2edgy but this is What Somni Actually Believes. And I may be being more forceful on this point because it brings up a rhetorical thing that has been annoying me for a while I both want to reject the point and the technique. Which is gerrymandering morally relevant agents to make your proposal come up with positive net utility. I think this is done when there aren't separate stages for expressing your needs and collectively trying to figure out what is best for the benefit of every agent who is affected by the choice. ~ And people present what they need and their concerns as a "plan that helps everyone" because they don't want what they care about left out of consideration. Instead of what should be protocol which is everyone stating what they want and are sensitive to and then discussing the situation and then brainstorming a solution. In discrete steps. Hive - 昨天晚上9點55分 Something something Moloch kerapace :s - 昨天晚上9點56分 I mean, I think we already have different terms (non-offensive ones, even) for people and pornography, and I think that's probably as close as we're going to get to a nice compromise one can talk about people, the other can be used to talk about people's sexual preferences Hive - 昨天晚上9點57分 Isn't that literal objectification though? 微梦 - 昨天晚上10點00分 But yeah if your plan makes excuses for omitting a class of people because they are serial killers or unintelligent or have a different political philosophy or have money or just leaves them out of consideration entirely, it is probably because including these people makes figuring out a solution that benefits everyone is a hard problem and the planners do not want to cede power because ceding power is painful and might give their ground fewer nice things. When you measure the goodness of a plan ideally you estimate what it does to all morally relevant agents (not non-computing rocks etc.) who are affected by the change and see how to fit everyone's needs together. When making a choice the chooser should desperately want to live in a world where every hair is numbered and every grain of sand. Hive - 昨天晚上10點07分 Unless you can actually do that math and show the positive effects outway the negatives then all of that is just talk though. 微梦 - 昨天晚上10點13分 It is talk which gives us the heuristics that of you omit a class of people affected by the thing from your considerations, you cannot knowingly converge on the correct answer even if you have all the exact numbers. Hive - 昨天晚上10點15分 Okay sure but in that case Chesterton's Fence. 微梦 - 昨天晚上10點16分 It is strictly worse for working out a solution that actually works for all parties if just drop a class of people from consideration. Unless information about them is smuggled in through other avenues. Hive - 昨天晚上10點17分 Okay like, fine, we're not saying 'ignore perverts values' or anything. As a pervert ourselves that would directly effect us. But like, show us the math. kerapace :s - 昨天晚上10點17分 somni I am very confused at what you are saying 微梦 - 昨天晚上10點21分 If "Chesterson's fence" points to the argument I think it does, then I don't think it is even applicable. I know why people are dropped from consideration and I have seen it cause dysfunction and failed plans. I am not saying "why are perverts not being taken into consideration here it seems like and arbitrary hold over from barbaric times". I am saying that omitting people from consideration causes specific harm and is done because people don't want their group to be shafted at the negotiating table so they draw the line around who matters such that there is little uncertainty over whether they will "win" the resources. @kerapace :s Then I shall dispel your confusion! A questioning technique from debates in the middle ages: Can you write out what you think I am saying so far and what part is the Region of Confusion? kerapace :s - 昨天晚上10點27分 so you're saying that the feelings of people who are attracted to trans people need to be taken into account when making the calculus of what language people use when talking about their gender and genitalia 微梦 - 昨天晚上10點38分 @Hive :3 There is a reason people use mathematical models for things that are messy and hard to quantify and this is because they are kind of useful. Thinking about things in terms of utilitarianism even though the numbers are hard to locate instead of just doing what just feels right on an intuitive level at least prevents people from donating to things like the Make A Wish Foundation. Which is clearly not effective at all according to pretty much any metric of charity evaluation that cares for maximizing happiness per a dollar. But the thing is a lot of people don't even think of evaluating this class of things in a considered way as a thing that is done. So even though many of the people who are donating to EA things aren't actually doing any math they still do better than people who use no framework at all and wing it 100% on impulses like guilt or desire to help cute kids. Even if they have only rough numbers, using the model that dominates intuitions under perfect information out performs the the intuitions when both processes are given approximately correct information. There are times when over analysis harms people and the intuitive processes of the brain dominate because they are more efficient than formalized processes using imperfect information as inputs. But I do not think [neglecting to include members of a class of people who are not you in a choice of who should get what resources is a time when intuitive biases do better at locating solutions that are good for all parties] is one of the situations that is easier to reason about when given over to human intuition. @kerapace :s This is correct! Hive - 昨天晚上10點47分 Fine, but we're arguing that in such a situation, doing nothing is a better option then messing with the status quo and adding words to the language that might be harmful. We're arguing for the status quo, unless you can actually do the math that shows that changing the language the way you're proposing will do more good for people attracted to trans people, then it will do harm to trans people (who are already disproportionately marginalized already). Unless you can actually show us the data on that, we're not going to find your argument particularly compelling. Chesterton's fence! basically. 微梦 - 昨天晚上11點02分 Ah! I kind of agree with you there! I think the current direction of word use is good and words shouldn't be regulated and communities of people perving on trans girls should be allowed to use whatever words they want in their own communities. However the phrase "maintain the status quo" is weird and like "act natural". I mean what actions do and do not maintain it how do we measure the difference between how we would act with no agreement. etc. What if without being told to maintain the status quo someone goes out and says that all trans girls are traps and gay. Is that maintaining the status quo or not? Assume that none of us did anything and in fact were locked in a room away from the rest of the world. (Although that would be changing the status quo.) I'm not you, but I think that maintaining the status quo in this case would call you to make a positive action to tell the person saying that to stop advocating for this or to write letters about why they were wrong because they were doing was changing the status quo. If by maintaining the status quo you mean let the communities hash it out between each other with good negotiation norms where everyone's concerns and needs are heard and navigated around so that they fit together in a positive sum way, then we agree on this!

Hive - 昨天晚上11點06分 Realistically communities aren't going to neatly hash it out between each other in every case. Within communities definitely, smaller ones specially, but yes.

微梦 - 昨天晚上11點37分 Yay! Our views have contracted together!

[caveartfair]

Elizabeth Murray’s Rule-Breaking Paintings Continue to Inspire Younger Artists

Photo by Barry Kornbluh, December 1987 / Estate of Elizabeth Murray. Courtesy of Pace Gallery.

Photo by Barry Kornbluh, December 1987 / Estate of Elizabeth Murray. Courtesy of Pace Gallery.

An enlarged, black-and-white photograph of painter Elizabeth Murray’s hand ends Pace Gallery’s current exhibition—closing January 13th—which focuses on the late artist’s work from the 1980s. Murray’s dirty, bandaged fingers (thumb hidden, pointer bent) lightly brush a marked canvas. The picture functions as a final reminder of her distinct touch. Often extending to around 10 by 10 feet, her large-scale canvases bulge and ripple from the walls, fold over themselves at the corners, or comprise fractured and imperfectly interlocking shapes. The rough, layered surfaces and messy edges suggest an artist in thrall of paint, linen, and stretchers, and their myriad possibilities under her own hand.

In 2005, the Museum of Modern Art mounted a retrospective of Murray’s work, making her the fourth woman—after Louise Bourgeois, Lee Krasner, and Helen Frankenthaler—to ever receive the honor from the Department of Painting and Sculpture. She was battling lung cancer at the time and passed away in 2007, shortly after seeing her work showcased in that year’s Venice Biennale. From MOCA Los Angeles to the Walker Art Center, institutions nationwide (plus a couple beyond the U.S.) have bought her work, though its scale can be prohibitive to individual collectors. Nevertheless, Murray’s legacy remains more slippery than many of her contemporaries’; it’s difficult to slot her singular, exuberant, and ever-evolving practice into art history.

Elizabeth Murray, 96 Tears, 1986-1987. © 2017 The Murray-Holman Family Trust/Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York. Photo by Kerry Ryan McFate, courtesy of Pace Gallery.

Additionally, says Pace Director Douglas Baxter, Murray’s market became more difficult after the MoMA show. The generation that had collected the artist was dying off. Her contemporaries, such as Susan Rothenberg and Joel Shapiro, are continuing to make work, while Murray’s premature death prevented her own career-capping late phase. Dan Nadel, who along with Carroll Dunham co-curated a 2016 exhibition of her drawings at Lower East Side gallery Canada, echoes the sentiment. The retrospective did not spur the additional scholarship Murray deserved, he says, and “she did not become a kind of lodestar, as she should have.” The Pace show, and its accompanying catalogue, aim to reaffirm her position as a crucial character in the development of painting.

That volume includes a chronology charting Murray’s art alongside major historical events, beginning in 1977, the year Murray moved to White Street in Lower Manhattan. By this time, she was an established artist working as a lecturer at Princeton and an instructor at Yale and the School of Visual Arts. In the ’70s, Murray was transitioning away from rectangular canvases and minimal explorations of line, opting instead for shaped canvases depicting more cartoonish figures. Their bright hues, dreamlike quality, and merging of high and low culture became her hallmarks.

The chronology omits Murray’s earlier, more difficult years. Raised in Chicago and Bloomington, Illinois, the artist grew up impoverished and, at times, homeless. With financial support from a high school art teacher, she attended the Art Institute of Chicago and committed to life as a painter. After receiving her MFA at Mills College in Oakland, she moved across the country to New York in 1967, sensing the city’s unique opportunities. Murray quickly settled into her new artistic milieu.

Elizabeth Murray, Stay Awake, 1989. © 2017 The Murray-Holman Family Trust/Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York. Photo by Kerry Ryan McFate. Courtesy of Pace Gallery.

In the recent documentary, Everybody Knows... Elizabeth Murray (narrated by Meryl Streep), artist Chuck Close remembers the earlier work from the 1970s: “even though there was very little going on, they were very reductive, there still was a physicality to the piece that was lovingly made.” Artist Deborah Kass similarly stresses that unlike other artists of her time, Murray “was making abstraction personal.” Throughout her significant shifts in form, these characteristics remained constant.

The Whitney Museum exhibited her work in 1972 and 1973 group shows. A friend, painter Jennifer Bartlett, introduced her to Paula Cooper that year. Murray began showing at the gallery shortly after, and her reputation grew. The gallerist and artist maintained a close relationship until Murray left the gallery in 1996 for the larger resources and opportunities at PaceWildenstein (now Pace).

The Pace exhibition traces the artist’s evolving tendency, throughout the 1980s, of creating canvases that came off the wall toward the viewer. “She was taking the idea of what a rectangular, traditional stretcher bar was, and she was folding it and twisting it,” explains Jason Andrew, who manages Murray’s estate. Consider Stay Awake (1989) a canvas that wraps around a stretcher manipulated into a large, cup-like form. Viewers can peer into the top and two other cylindrical openings, offering an experience akin to assessing a sculpture. Dis Pair (1989–90, on loan from MoMA), resembles a comically gargantuan pair of shoes; the viewer can peek into the soles. “She liked the physicality of it,” says Baxter. “It’s a way of interacting with the viewer, engaging the viewer more actively.” In the catalogue for her MoMA retrospective, scholar (and major Murray champion) Robert Storr claims that the artist’s work in the 1980s was nothing short of revolutionary. “Murray became the first painter to fully commit herself to devising surfaces on which to paint that behaved according to the same biomorphic principles as the images themselves,” he writes. During her final decade, Murray’s paintings morphed into complex, puzzle-like assemblages of interlocking canvases that resembled comic strip elements.

Elizabeth Murray, Flying Bye, 1982.  © 2017 The Murray-Holman Family Trust/Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York. Photo by Tom Barratt, courtesy of Pace Gallery.

Elizabeth Murray, Wake Up, 1981.  © 2017 The Murray-Holman Family Trust/Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York. Photo by Kerry Ryan McFate, courtesy of Pace Gallery.

Murray’s life reflected this desire to connect with those around her. She frequently and vocally advocated for her female peers. She protested with WAC (Women's Action Coalition) and in 1995 curated an all-women exhibition at MoMA as part of the museum’s Artist’s Choice series. The show spanned 1914 to 1973, with drawings, paintings, prints, and sculptures by about 70 artists. Murray focused especially on the 1950s and ’60s, when artists such as Agnes Martin, Joan Mitchell, and Lee Bontecou (whose own works powerfully protrude from gallery walls) were making their reputations. Her move to PaceWildenstein, says her daughter Daisy Murray Holman, was about “breaking into the boy’s club, creating a pathway for more women to be there.”

Feminism runs through Murray’s work, too. Her Story (1984) comprises three overlapping canvases, shaped like two As and an E, that suggest a woman sitting in a chair. A pink book in her lap doubles as genitalia. The complex, fragmented depiction of femininity makes gaps and absences (created by the holes in the As and the distance between the letters) into crucial parts of the picture.

The domestic sphere and its fractures become dramatic and weighted in massive canvases that abstract cups, tables, and other household forms. As scholar Kellie Jones reminds viewers in her catalogue essay for the Pace show, however, Murray’s works are about far more than mundane objects: They’re engagements with the entire history of Western still-life painting.    

Elizabeth Murray, Her Story, 1984. © 2017 The Murray-Holman Family Trust/Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York. Photo by Kerry Ryan McFate. Courtesy of Pace Gallery.

If Murray’s passionate politics entered her work in a dreamy, subtle manner (she was also an extensive dream journaler), she was very vocal at home. “At the dinner table, recalls her older daughter Sophie Ellsberg, “we definitely talked about politics. We didn’t really talk about her art.” She remembers her parents bringing her along to WAC protests, the women wearing pink slips to protest the GOP. Murray worked in her home studio on a strict schedule, and she sometimes let Ellsberg and her sister help her spray paint her work; motherhood informed, not inhibited, her paintings.

Jones connects the paintings’ sensuality and Murray’s role as a mother. Just In Time (1981), celebrates the summer she fell in love with her second husband, poet Bob Holman. “The sexual nature of the painted images then is also invested in their imagined fecundity,” Jones notes. While there’s plenty of conflict in the subsequent works (fissures, spills, messiness), there’s also a celebration—particularly in Murray’s repeated, embryonic bean forms—of life begetting life.  

Through researching and cataloguing Murray’s work, Andrew hopes to build momentum and a new context for the artist—and he wants to offer younger artists visceral experiences with the colossal, highly textured works. The Canada show similarly appealed to younger artists. Andrew mentions painters Justine Hill and Yevgeniya Baras as part of a new generation who clearly look to Murray for inspiration. I asked Andrew why he thought the list of acolytes skewed female. “I feel like women artists are more free about being able to speak about who they’re inspired by,” he says. “Their male counterpoints still seem to want to claim ingenuity or originality.”

Murray’s legacy, too, is at the mercy of American cultural values. In the 1980s, Jean-Michel Basquiat was dating Madonna, partying with Andy Warhol’s glamorous coterie, and indulging in the drug habit that would lead to his untimely death. Julian Schnabel was breaking plates and living large. Violence and masculinity were often central to the celebrated Neo-Expressionist paintings of the day; Murray’s life and work stood in contrast to this sensationalism. “I think in a way she was expressing her femininity,” says Andrew about the artist’s work in the ’80s. “Murray was giving birth, she was having a family—and she was painting.”

from Artsy News