#constantly-crying-cus-calculus

[sneakertin]

auughhhrh. i think i have adhd but. maybe i don't. idk. i don't wanna self diagnose but at this point im torn between thinking "there's no fucking way i don't have it" and "but what if i don't". getting a diagnosis is Impossibly difficult and stressful and expensive and we barely have any even remotely working medication where i live so it's not really an option for now. but if i do have it then that means there's an explanation for everything that's wrong with me and it all has a reason and it's not something I'm personally responsible for. but if i don't then that means that im just a lazy stupid nobody with no ambitions. which would be very sad but goddamn there are way too many symptoms to even consider myself being neurotypical. for some reason i feel like it's getting worse and worse everyday but that's probably because i just started uni and there's a lot of change in my life and i haven't been getting enough sleep lately cus i physically can't fall asleep before midnight or sometimes even later but i have to wake up at six. and also because there's a thing that constantly stresses me out at all times(calculus) that i feel like i genuinely can't do anything about even if i try really hard. but i just constantly feel like I'm not in control of my own brain. focusing is so damn hard and even when i do focus i loose it very quickly and end up just bouncing back and forward trying to keep my mind in one place. when i try to read something for homework it feels like my eyes just don't wanna look at the screen and i have to force them not to look away. every couple of minutes or less my thoughts drift away and i only notice it afterwards. when i try to sit down and watch a calculus lecture in hopes of understanding this little personal hell of mine i feel soooo frustrated it almost feels like physical pain and i just turn it off after two minutes. i can't do anything and i don't want to. every task feels like there's a weight on my shoulders. I'm so irresponsible. i keep ignoring or putting off stuff that i need to do and someday the consequences will catch up to me. i don't wanna study. i just wanna do only the stuff that i like all the time. i wanna waste money and go to pretty cafes and buy snacks and be on the internet and watch my fav shows and read fanfiction and read books and analyse literature and watch movies and cry because of them and watch video essays and sometimes cook and clean and draw and draw and draw all the time. which is so embarrassing because im so privileged. i have the chance to get education and yet i feel like I'm not grateful enough and i feel so guilty for being so lazy all the time. im not saying that i wanna drop out, no. but the situation is that I'm not studying what i wanted rn but I'm gonna transfer to where i want at the end of the semester but that means i have to study all these subjects that i despise and don't understand at all and somehow not get expelled till january.

ok, so, i started writing this when i was a bit overstimulated but now that i have written my thoughts down i feel like things are fine now and i feel better. urghh. i don't even know if should post this now. that's so embarrassing, why am i so dramatic.

anyway. but i do fuck up things in my life very often because i put off things that i don't wanna do. when i had my extremely important school exams that would determine whether i get into uni or not, i barely even studied for them. i only did like a day/half a day of active studying for each subject. i kept procrastinating even when that fucking exam that some people have mental breakdowns over was due to be the next day. i did get into uni, but not into the course that I wanted, because my exam results were not quite enough. but that wasn't really a problem because i could've easily transferred to where i want at the very start of the semester, but. i kept putting it off and it turned out you can only do that during the first two weeks and now I'm in the situation that I've described earlier. and don't even get me started on the shitshow that happened when i was in driving school. and it was all entirely my fault. and school in general have always been difficult for me but in school i could get away with not doing anything cus im not stupid, and i even had good grades. but that doesn't work in uni cus in uni they don't teach you anything, you learn everything yourself, and i quite literally can't study. adhd medication sounds like a dream, honestly. you take a pill and suddenly you can function like a normal person and work for hours and even enjoy it. how fucking cool is that.

so ehmm. i don't really have anything to say, just wanted to write. something. don't mind me, really :)

wait, no. i just remembered why i wrote all this. so, I'm kind of addicted to tiktok, which is my greatest curse and i accidentally got into fucking "studytok" and now my fyp is filled with happy american uni students studying for 12 hours straight and talking about obscure studying techniques with weird names and all of that is just. so. from another realm from me, honestly. how do they do that. am i even the same species as them

[spilledkauffie]

Hey, first of all, I want to say that your HCs are great! They are such a wonderful inspiration to keep working on my fanfics. That's what I wanted to ask you about. I've read a few of your fics (and again they're awesome), so Im seeking for advise. How do you end your stories? I always stop my stories about like three chapters before the end, I've a bunch of almost finished stories lying around. Ik the ending in theory, but then theres a blockage. Thanks if u anwser, i hope asking was okay <3

Hey there! Thank you so much for reading!  My answer is a bit long, sorry, so it’s under the cut. It’s totally okay that you asked, no worries!! I hope this was helpful and best of luck on your future writings!

✧ Chaptered fic series: For starters, let me say that I, myself, have unfinished works that I wanted to finish, but haven’t and that’s just how it goes for me sometimes.

With series, it’s a good call to in some way plan out where you’re going with it, so you don’t get 7 chapters in and then ask yourself “where was I going with this?” (that is literally me to myself with every series) Small chapter outlines are great, by small I mean a note that says “character does this / goes here-” or “smut chapter” just so you can quickly jog your memory— this really helps with the end chapter, because it forces you to know how you intend to end it in advance, before diving into the opening.

 IF THAT ISN’T YOUR THING, that’s fine, there are other ways. I’ve found a lot of help from re-reading the prior chapters, seems simple, but sometimes it inspires me to keep going with it and think of new things. Making HCs (specifically about the character within the series plot) sometimes helps me, it keeps me thinking about the character and how they’d behave in different situations which can then become the inspiration for the ending. 

Thinking about the genre surrounding your ending is also helpful. Do you want it to be an angsty / sad / fluffy / smutty / complex ending? When you determine the genre you can begin to ask yourself questions about the genre that will help build structure.

↳ Angst: do my character leave each other?Are they taken apart or does one decide to leave? Does one of them die? Does one get with someone else, leaving the other with a broken heart? 

↳ Fluff: Do they get married? Do they have kids? Do they live together? Are they finally safe and can enjoy domestic life? etc. Asking these questions can really help spark a great ending.

YES, LET’S TALK ABOUT BLOCKAGE! First, give yourself credit for having written the majority of a chaptered series, that takes a lot, so round of applause for you first! Okay, now, I find that I get a little worn out on writing the same series, sometimes, this can be as simple as taking a break from it and coming back to it. Other times, I’m just not there for it. Try and remember what inspired you to start the series, maybe a song, a movie, a scene, fanart? Re-listening/watching things that remind you of said character can spark the motivate you’ve lost. 

If I may, let me add on that taking a break can be for more than a few days, don’t feel pressured to always be writing, or continuing the same thing, it’s okay to distance yourself from the series or writing in general to give your mind some recovery time— you got this!

✧ Writing the ending IN GENERAL:

 For me personally, I typically write the beginning and the end first. So I can know where it’s starting and see where it’s ending, this also allows things such as foreshadowing to be easier to include, because you (the author) know what’s coming and can drop little hints that won’t be known by the reader until the end and hint to the end. 

Endings are typically where things all come together, so thinking about open ended things that have been throughout is good, because you can bring it all together nicely. 

↳ say a character once said they always wanted to go somewhere, having them finally go there in the end is a satisfying ending because a “wish fulfillment” has happened, even if it was mentioned once and a long time ago, it brings it nicely together.

Short and sweet dialogue can be an ending. Say you don’t want it to be a secure ending, that’s cool! Maybe your characters have just come out of something (an event / fight / escaped etc.), sayings like: “we’ve got a long way to go,” / “but at least we’ve got each other,” totally counts as an ending, even thought it’s fairly open still. OR if you want a totally closed ending: “This is everything I ever wanted,” / “I couldn’t be happier than right here,” are all affirmative endings, anything that sounds similar to “it doesn’t get better than this” implies that it won’t so this is where the story ends.

Happily ever after *record scratch,* okay maybe don’t word it like that, BUT description can also be a good ending. Describing the scene can be a conclusion, (e.g. Star Wars- we pan to the binary sunset). I love description, so I think it’s a fantastic way to end things.

Double check it, always. I’ve been guilty of just adding the ending to a story I’m stuck on and posting it, but found it’s a really good idea to give it one more read, you might like what you’ve written, but upon a reread found there’s more to add, a different way to phrase things, etc.

✧ Oneshots: 

I find that these are my favourites (aside from HCs) because there’s no pressure to keep it open ended or closed! With series writers can become very used to leaving / creating an open ending for the next chapter and the next to constantly fit into that the idea of a true finale ending is often absent from the creative thought process, so it just feels a bit unfamiliar when you come to the final ending. 

Oneshots, however, are great because you can kind of leave it however you want! It can be an open ending if you want or a closed ending, either way it’s a sweet story with an ending (obviously) that can be expounded upon or left alone.