#conclusion: it was a real injury that they wrote into the show and tried to disguise

[all-that-jazz-93]

'Kay I'm starting to think Chad Michael Murray actually hurt his hand during the production of season two

[burnedbyshoto]

split

— Shouto becomes victim of a quirk accident. In that he become two people who get along as well as fire and ice do. They clash at every moment, and only seem to agree on one thing: their love for you. Or in which Shouto gets split into two by a quirk that spilts chimeras and in order for peace to be found you find yourself in a threesome with two halves that make the one you love most.

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pairing: split!todoroki shouto x fem!reader

warnings: 18+, smut, threesome, split!shouto, anal, double penetration, blowjob, rimming, cunnilingus, cursing, degradation, praise 

word count: 8,930

a/n: LMAOOOOOO this waas actually fun to write the names I gave them were super easy because I am uncreative. I used an anons rec for shoutos hero name: reisho so that’s what that is. and thank you to my lovely canasian for finding the original drabble I wrote. pls enjoy!

kinktober day 6 main kink: threesome

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“What’s going on?”

It was a series of words that often came out of your mouth because, as a Pro Hero, there were many times where you had no idea what was going on. It usually ranged from asking why Kaminari and Kirishima were giggling and avoiding your gaze when you walked into a room to coming onto an active battle where Bakugou and Midoriya were bloodied and crazed. There was nothing off-limits to those words, as they were, after all, said in complete confusion. 

“Where is he?!” you tried again, watching as nineteen different eyes look everywhere but at you.

However, it was without given when you watched your twenty -- wait, was that twenty-one? -- former classmates both stumble into one another as they turn to face you.

“Y/l/n-chan!” Mina squeaked, stepping up from the crowd, trying to cover up the two people in there that you couldn’t quite recognize as your classmates. “How was patrol? I heard that Todoroki-kun left you midway!”

You wished that last comment didn’t make your cheeks burn as intensely as it did.

Today had been one of the rare days that you had gone off on your route with your boyfriend, Todoroki Shouto. Both of you watched the busy streets and whispering between yourself as you avoided the masses, not wanting to get caught up with fan interactions that were rather unneeded. But there had been a large altercation that required Shouto’s expertise. Specifically, the voice at headquarters commanded that you stay on patrol while Shouto would leave. So you had watched as Shouto placed a hand on your cheek, his thumb softly petting your cheek, his smile warm.

“I’ll be back,” he had promised before taking off in a mist of ice and fire.

You continued the rest of your patrol with a rather childish pout on your face, you hadn’t enjoyed being sidelined like this, but you calmly assessed the situation. It probably wasn’t a fight you would be much aid in, and there was never a reason to send more than enough heroes onto a single area. But your route was coming to an end, and Shouto had still yet to reappear. Trying not to overthink it, you frowned while passing a store with TVs out in front.

Staring at the bright, flashing screen, you suddenly felt a sense of panic at the headliner: Chimera Quirk-Wielding Villain Apprehended by Pro Heroes Froppy, Pinky, and Reisho. (slight injuries on the hero team.)

With concern pitting up horribly in your stomach for your friends and boyfriend, you finished your assignment as calmly as you could, before finally getting to rush back to your agency. You had taken to the rooftops to get there as quickly as you could.

Through all that, you found yourself right where you had been in the beginning, staring at Mina, who despite the few scrapes of dirt and soot on your costume, looked normal. Your eyes glanced over at Tsuyu, who, like Mina, was unharmed -- which left Shouto.

“Something strange happened during that battle,” Momo spoke up, her face set with concern, her eyes, although not horrified, was definitely a bit at a loss for an explanation.

“Wha--?”

“The person we fought against could make chimera’s out of people, but the limits of their quirk meant that once they made a chimera, they couldn’t add more to the creation,” Mina explained, her head nodding as she looked from Momo to you. Her fingers were tugging at her pink curls, and you tilted your head.

“Is Shouto still smashed together with someone or something?” you asked, a bit hesitant to see what potentially horrific creation your boyfriend could have turned into. “I’ve seen Shouto show up home after the poop-villain fiasco, I swear I won’t cry if he’s ugly!”

“Well, no, kero,” Tsuyu frowned, her finger pressing to her lower lip as she tilted her head. “Mina-chan and I were a chimera for a bit, and the quirk has a limit when they make a chimera.”

You didn’t like how that was worded.

“Just fucking show her the idiots who threw the match!” Bakugou snapped, his eyebrows furrowed as he shoved the crowd away in the middle, parting them like Moses did the red sea. 

Idiots? You thought, your confused expression growing as you looked from Bakugou’s frowning face onto what they had been hiding from you.

And you instantly understood why when you were greeted with two heads. One entirely redheaded, the other entirely white-haired, each with identical faces who looked at you with the same tone to their eyes.

“You see, their quirk can also separate chimera’s, and well… I — we, guess that Todoroki-san is one,” Momo informed you as you stared at opposite replicates of your loving boyfriend. “The villain said they’ve never split a natural-born human chimera before, it had been their first time, so the lasting effects of the quirk are unknown.”

The redheaded Shouto still sported a scar on his face, but he felt completely different. His face was cold, stare distant, and burning with a suppressed, denied fury that you couldn’t recognize on him outside of a battlefield. But even with the cold look encompassing his body and stature like a thick sheet of ice, when he looked at you with his set of two burning turquoise eyes, you knew his feelings for you were still the same.

The white-haired Shouto had no scar, and he looked much closer to the man you knew currently, except maybe a bit more open? His face quipped into a smile, his eyes swimming with mirth, joy, and content with finally seeing you here, all good emotions but emotions you weren’t used to him exposing to the public like this. But even with the warm, loving look burning softly around him, his set of grey eyes shone with feelings you knew were true.

“My boyfriend is split into two?!”

There was something wrong with that sentence, something that carried heat because the moment you said those words, both Shouto’s seemed to freeze next to each other. Icy and fiery glares meeting in an electric firestorm as Deku promptly dragged you out of the room with Momo and Mina. You struggled against Deku’s iron grip, only seeing white-haired Shouto’s jaw drop in the beginnings of a speech while redheaded Shouto glowered at him with all the intensity he could muster.

“Y/l/n-san, we need you to never, ever mention that they’re the same person,” Deku immediately spoke as soon as the door between the hallway and the room where the Shouto’s were closed. “He’s — they’re — not handling that information very well, and are acting rather… immature about who the real ‘Todoroki-kun’ is.”

“They’re not connected by the same mind?!” you spluttered, your own mind feeling like it was split down the middle at the hypothesis that your boyfriend was both of these men, but none of them. “So, it’s like a split personality manifesting completely?”

“We’re a bit sure on how to compare it to something such as dissociative disorder,” Momo spoke calmly, undoubtedly her mind working a mile a millisecond to make sense of the strange predicament you all were in. “He’s been in here for some time now. And from what we’ve managed to question from him, both parts of Todoroki-san remember everything. It seems they differ in just how they felt about it on an emotional basis.”

You blinked once, twice.

“Do you mind giving me an example?”

Goddamn idiot you were.

“Well, I guess the bigger emotional differences were during our high school years,” Midoriya mumbled, his fingers pinching his lower lip in thought. “A good example would be why he challenged me during the sports festival. Redhead Shouto said he did it because he hated Endeavor so much back then he was willing to prove his strength no matter what. White-haired Shouto says it was an overreaction on his own part and that he’s truly sorry.”

You frowned.

“It almost sounds like if Todoroki-san’s quirk had been only one of his parents, and his two halves are insights to the life he would have led if he had only one,” Momo offered a pursed stare. She didn’t seem too sure of her conclusion, but for you, it was enough.

“Honestly, you were the only one I saw both Todoroki-kun’s act the same toward!” Mina exclaimed, her hands grabbing your shoulders as she leaned in close, a sly grin on her face. “It’s like the two of you are destined lovers, no matter how the world is!”

“Mina!” you whined, feeling utterly embarrassed as she snickered loudly, her eye falling into a wink before straightening up.

“Alright, so just a recap: don’t mention which one is the ‘real’ Todoroki,” Mina warned, already moving back into the room.

“What do we call them then?” you whispered, feeling not at all prepared to stare at two, stupid hot versions of your same boyfriend.

“Ah-ha, well,” Midoriya smiled embarrassed, his hand rubbing the back of his neck as you all walked back in. “Only Kacchan brought up a nickname so far.”

“YOU STUPID FUCKING RED HALF!” Bakugou’s voice roared the moment the door opened, and immediately, you were pulled back into the mess of the situation. “I’LL MURDER YOUR ASS!”

“Someone was clearly not raised on manners,” came the snide remark from Shouto’s white half, and you watched on in horror as your old male classmates worked together to hold off all three rambunctious boys to keep from fighting.

“LET GO OF ME, SHITTY HAIR! I’LL GIVE THEM BOTH NEW SCARS IF THEY KEEP ACTING LIKE THIS!”

But you stared at the apathetic face on Shouto’s red half, his eyes somehow empty, dull, and angry as he glared at Bakugou.

Red half.

Red.

You looked at Shouto’s white half that was grinning at the challenge, icy frosting off his body akin to the explosions on Bakugou’s fists as he egged him on. 

White.

That would be easy enough.

You snorted, before walking forward, grabbing your boyfriend(s) hands in yours, and they quickly turned to look at you. Their gazes turning warm and full, their demeanor utterly different as the raging Bakugou faded into the background. 

“So, I’m sure you both know what’s going on at the moment,” you spoke clearly, just loudly enough to be heard over the popping explosions on Bakugou’s palms. “I also know you’re both confident in who you are, but the truth is you both have the same name, so we’re going to need a new thing to call the both of you. Is that okay?”

“Ah, I see,” white-haired Shouto nodded, his hand tightening around yours, his thumb running along the backside of your palm. “You will continue to call me Shouto, and we will call him, the Imposter.”

Wait, what?!

“I’m not the imposter,” redheaded Shouto rolled his eyes, taking the hand he held up to his lips, pressing a gentle, warm kiss to your knuckles — it contrasted chillingly with the cold, aloof tone he continues to have with his white half. “I am, after all, the one with the facial scar. It is the most recognizable feature of me. Clearly, you’re the imposter.”

You had to ignore the way your stomach fluttered and how your cheeks exploded in heat as both Shouto’s were suddenly kissing your knuckles. They only went further after leaving warm, chilling kisses on your skin. For they pulled you closer by your waist, a physical challenge between the two to claim you. Even though they both were for you.

It was only made worse by the wide-eyed, cheek splitting grins, and spluttering noises made by your old classmates who relished in this rom-com type embarrassment.

“Oh my god, enough!” you squeaked, trying to shove both overpowering men away from you.

“See, you’re being too much,” white-haired Shouto snapped, ripping you from redhead Shouto’s hold.

“Let. Y/n. Go.” redhead Shouto growled, hand exploding with fire, and you wrestled yourself out of white-haired Shouto’s hold to press your palms flat against each of their chests.

“You both better calm down right now, or else I’ll send you off with our friends until you’re back to normal!” you snap, your cheek radiating with explosive heat. With the threat heavy on their minds, redhead Shouto took away his flame, and white-haired Shouto took a less defensive stance. Relieved with their current treaty, you thrust a finger at both halves, looking between your way too amused classmates and your boyfriend(s). “You will be called Red--” you jabbed redheaded Shouto with your finger-- “and you will be White!” you spoke clearly, tapping white-haired Shouto with your other finger.

“Am I understood?”

Silence.

You glared at your boyfriend(s) who were staring down at you with wide eyes and gaping jaws.

“I said, am I understood?”

“Yes, ma’am,” your boyfriend(s) sputtered.

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Highlight of Day One of Living with the Todoroki Twins Boyfriend(s):

“Where is Red going to sleep?” White asked as you settled into the, thankfully, large bed the two -- now three -- of you shared. “On the floor?”

The bed had been a present from Endeavor when Shouto had moved into your apartment with you. It was much bigger than anything you owned, and while you hadn’t been fond of the length and stretch of the bed, you indeed were grateful for it now.

“Y/n likes to be warm when she sleeps,” Red duly noted, glaring at White the entire time it took him to crawl onto the right side of the bed. He settled right by you, arm wrapped around your waist, chin grazing against your temple. “You sleep on the floor.”

“You need comfort to stay beautiful, and since you’re eliminated from being that because of the scar on your face, you can sleep on the floor!” White countered while reciprocating the same position Red was doing.

Red’s eyebrow twitched at that before his glare soured and became icy cold, “I have the bigger co--”

“Both of you shut up now!” you snap, the palms of your hands shoving their faces away from one another. You were feeling more like a mother to a pair of troublesome twin toddlers than the girlfriend of your boyfriend(s). “I don’t want to hear it!” you groan as both their jaws dropped to attempt to speak their mind. “If you can’t shut up and sleep, I’ll sleep on the floor!”

“No!”

“No!”

“Then shut up, love me more, and let’s go to bed!”

…

…

…

“You don’t have the bigger cock--”

“Oh my god!”

“Please don’t go, my love, White is an idiot.”

Highlight of Day Two of Living with the Todoroki Twins Boyfriend(s):

“Well, this is certainly an interesting thing to be experiencing,” Rei’s gentle voice filled the room as both Red and White sat at her sides. Neither one of them touching her, but their gazes warm and soft for their mother. Rei touched the cheeks of both her son(s) and sighed softly before returning her attention to you. “Has it been hard? I do hope they’ve been behaving themselves.”

You smiled in hopes it would help to hide the grimace on your features as you laughed.

Just this morning, the two of them nearly burned down the kitchen while trying to outperform one another in making you breakfast in bed. It was of ample notice to realize that just one Todoroki Shouto was not to be trusted in the kitchen, but putting two Todoroki Shouto’s in there had caused them to somehow burn water and melt the stove.

The eggs they managed to pull together were burnt yet undercooked and had eggshells in them.

It wasn’t the worst meal you’ve had fun enough.

“They’re doing just fine,” you lie, your smile warm at the woman you would hope to one day become your mother-in-law. “Just a bit odd to deal with two people when I’m so used to one.”

“Oh, I’m sure it is. In fact, they initially saw Shouto was to be twins, but he absorbed the other one in the womb,” Rei admitted, a small laugh on her tongue as she politely covered her mouth, her eyes closed in her mirth. “A bit funny how it seems like this could have been the outcome of that life.”

You feel a cold sweat drip on the back of your neck as Red straightens, his eyes darkening as he makes contact with Rei’s arm, and fear thrums through every fiber of your being.

“Kaa-san?”

“Yes, Shouto?” Rei asked, her warm grey eyes taking in Red’s gloomy form.

“White called me ugly.”

Highlight of Day Three of Living with the Todoroki Twins Boyfriend(s):

“My love, I’m not feeling too well,” White groaned on the couch when you first arrived home.

Unfortunately, or fortunately for you, you were still being cleared to work during this time of split Shouto. After a much-needed relatively short time away from home, you had returned after a patrol to a clean apartment living room and Red sitting on the singles armchair, and White sprawled on the couch. 

You froze, Shouto hardly ever got sick! His internal temperature was always so in tune to the things around him that no virus, bug, or bacteria ever managed to infect him with sickness. For all five years of knowing him, you had never once seen him sick.

“Oh my god!” you panicked, rushing to remove your coat and shoes as you ran over to the couch to feel his forehead for a temperature.

He was running a bit cold, as he always did on his right side of his body, so you internally freaked about if this was normal or not! Your Shouto always had a specific spot on his forehead that was considered normal, but this was not your normal Shouto.

You were fucked, so wildly fucked.

“Are you okay? What do you need? I can go get you a blanket. I’ll get some soup going! What medicine do you think you need?!”

“There’s…” White trailed off in his exhaustion, his hands rubbing his face in probably his sick delirium. “There’s only one thing that will help…”

“What is it?” you asked, leaning in closer to him so that his flushed lips were centimeters from your ear.

“I need... “ he trailed off, and you leaned in closer, only to be suddenly trapped in his arms and pulled on top of him. “Some one-on-one time with my beautiful girlfriend!”

The scent of burning leather filled the room.

“WHITE PUT IT OUT! PUT OUT THE FIRE!”

“Princess, I’m not feeling good.”

Good fucking grief.

Highlight of Day Four of Living with the Todoroki Twins Boyfriend(s):

“Hot soba.”

“Cold soba.”

“Hot soba.”

“Cold soba.”

“Hot.”

“Cold.”

“Hot!”

“Cold.”

“The store has both!” you sobbed, your boyfriend(s) adopting their possessive hugging on your body while out in public as you had attempted to get them out of the house because you thought that maybe, just maybe, they were feeling stir-crazy.

“But we always share our soba noodles, y/n,” Red looked down at you, tilting your chin so that you could look at him clearly. “I know you love cold soba more.”

“We get it, Ice Princess, daddy hurt your feelings, and now you still hate everything hot! Get over it; y/n always buys hot soba when you’re not around.”

“G-Guys,” you whimper, suddenly feeling drowned out with the clashing of ice and fire personalities around you as the crowd watched on in bemusement. “Please stop.”

They suddenly both turned on you, their eyes narrowed, faces fierce as they both exclaimed at the same time: “Which soba do you like better?!”

You’re too exhausted of them to even scold them like you had used to anymore.

In the end, they tried to settle it via arm wrestling, which resulted in a horrible tie. They had both tried to use their quirks to win, somehow forgetting in the heat of their battle that their quirks not only canceled each other, but their strength was painfully equivalent. 

Highlight of Day Five of Living with the Todoroki Twins Boyfriend(s):

To be frank, you missed kissing Shouto.

With them being the way they were and how horribly chaotic they acted, you knew if you kissed one, it would lead to them both impregnating you and slipping an engagement ring on your pretty ring finger well before you were ready for either one of those things. So instead, you stared at both of their equally perfect lips.

Full, slightly pouty pink lips that were somewhat chapped as they always were due to his quirk elements. Full, soft lips that you had felt pressed to your hands and cheeks for the past five days, and yet you craved it to be pressed against your lips, but that was undoubtedly dangerous.

But you continued to stare at Red’s lips, at White’s lips.

You liked seeing how their teeth exposed themselves when they smiled, or how he had barely formed dimples on his cheeks, the smile lines that had finally formed on his previously smooth face. You liked seeing the way he bit on his lower lip when he held his tongue, or how his tongue seductively swiped his lips when he caught you staring.

Wait—?!

You snapped out of your daze, staring at the suggestive, all too pleased look on White’s face as he leaned in close to you while Red was busy performing his daily workout routine.

“You want to fuck while Not-the-real-Shouto’s busy? He won’t know, I promise.”

You flush.

“No!”

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It was day six of split Shouto when you woke up.

Your eyes stinging with exhaustion as you stared up at the ceiling as bodies of ice and fire sandwiched you between them. They snored softly, breathes deep and full in perfect harmony as they slumbered. You hated Shouto. You hated him so much.

This could have been a fantastic experience in your fantasies. Cloning quirks were a thing, and often you would hear about the sexual endeavors many partook in while in the company of someone with such quirk. It seemed like so much fun. Someone existing solely to be fucked, replicated from someone you already trusted.

It seemed perfect.

But here you were. Living the life of many porn fantasies, but the clones — not clones — hated one another. You couldn’t even so much as breathe next to one of them for too long before the other came to rip you away, annoyed, and ready to reclaim you. They were behaving as if you didn’t already belong to them.

Maybe you could have handled the lack of horny, lusting out of your mind sex if they had simply allowed you to kiss them without starting a war. But they claimed they would rather die than see you kiss someone that wasn’t them (singular them).

So, you were struggling.

The internal struggle only grew when they woke up at the same time. Growing when they both exposed their scarred, perfectly muscled, and toned body. It grew when they pressed their sinful body against yours, and you could only look up at them with eyes like a full moon, heat wet in your panties. You wanted something to happen because watching them go at it again for the fifty-third time today suddenly made your mind snap.

Since they wouldn’t seem to quit fighting, you might as well be fucked while they fought amongst themselves. You were a big girl, you could handle two cocks around your body.

At the moment, you were in the communal kitchen living room area. You sat at the table, trying to enjoy your cup of tea while they stood a few strides away from you… arguing.

“Would you both put those mouths to better use than fighting with each other?!” you finally snapped, your hands tugging at the roots of your hair after you placed down your cup of tea. They had been fighting for the past hour as to whether or not Shouto’s first costume idea was created because of Red or because of White. 

Neither one of them claimed responsibility on that one funny enough.

They fell silent immediately. Both their eyes wide, brows furrowed, and jaws gaping like a fish as they tried to separate their conversation from what you just said.

“Better use?” Red stated, his blink slow.

A curling, devious smirk spread on White’s face, “Oh, did my love finally cave to being fucked?”

“I didn’t think you would be into cucking,” Red admitted, his own smirk growing on his face while White frowned and glared at him. “What? It’s obvious it would be you tied up, White. You can’t expect y/n to trust either one of us to sit there, so she’d tie us up. My fire would easily destroy the bonds.”

Ah yes, how could you forget that they’d adopted only one half of the one quirk Shouto possessed. Now while you definitely wouldn’t mind cucking both sides of Shouto at some point, that wasn’t what you were craving at the moment.

“Y/n loves ice trailing down her body, I can definitely satisfy her better!”

“Like I said a few days ago, I have the bigger cock, so shut up and watch us.”

They were going to drive you insane.

Standing up from the table, the chair screeching against the floor as you did so, their attention fell on you. You felt heat rushing to your cheeks, your heart fluttering in your chest as turquoise and grey eyes that you could read like nothing gorged into your form. 

You settled between them, feeling dwarfed between their taller, muscled forms. Red was in a white t-shirt and sweats, White in a black shirt and dark jeans. You were unsure as to why you felt so shaken when you pressed your fingers between the valley of their pecs, your tongue heavy in your mouth. You blamed it on the six-day dry-feast the idiots put you in, and the mere thought of finally getting your way was exhilarating. 

“This is what’s going to happen,” you say with no room for arguing, your gaze meeting theirs through your eyelashes. “We are all going to fuck. There’s three of us, and I’m the one who wants to be satisfied, so this will be a threesome. Fuck me any way you want, I don’t care, but whoever starts fighting first gets cucked.”

Red is staring at you with his piercing turquoise eyes, White’s gaze dropped to your tracing finger on his chest. But the consensus was the same.

“Yes, ma’am.”

A warm, fluttery smile breached your face, and you nodded.

“Good… now, fuck me.”

They begin almost immediately. Two initially contradicting forces of fire and ice abandoning their internal surge for power to appease and please you. There’s no stopping the shiver and the moan trapped in your throat when two identical sets of hands you knew and craved the touch of finally made contact with your body. Red’s hands were on your breasts, groping and massaging your mounds of flesh while his mouth pressed tantalizing kisses along the curve of your neck, along the length of your clavicle. 

White had dropped down, his mouth pressing hot, kisses against the flesh of your thighs and your ass. His fingers pushing the sleeping shorts you still wore, his calloused fingers brushing against your clit. 

You openly moaned, hands pressing against both White and Red for some form of support.

“You’re already so wet,” White groans his observation, his finger slicking itself against your wet folds. 

You shake, your head nodding in full understanding as you began to rotate your hips against his finger. Of course, you were so wet, you thought, goosebumps flashing against your entire body when Red pinched your nipples through your light tank. 

“You try living with two of me and be denied every physical need,” you gasped, your voice pitching the moment Red’s teeth sank into the sweet spot on your neck the same time White’s finger curled within your walls. “Fuck…”

“It’s so cute when you whisper like that,” Red noted, his hands lifting your breast, tongue smoothing over your irritated skin. “I bet you didn’t mind our quirk accident because you wanted something like this.”

Now that was definitely something you couldn’t disagree about.

But with the way your body was so desperately deprived and how there were two sources of knowledge on you. Knowing the perfect sensations on your sensitive parts of your body, you pushed them away.

Grey and turquoise blazed into your skin, but you huffed, grabbing them by the hands and pulling on them.

“I want the bed,” you affirm, your cheeks feeling warm, your eyes keeping on theirs. “We’re fucking on the bed.”

“Of course, my love,” they responded together. And the heat in your body seemed to multiple when you pushed through into the room. 

Guiding them into the bedroom, you didn’t release their hands until they were sitting down onto the bed—Red on your right, white on your left.

Their stares are expectant, already clouded with horny, lustful need when you let go of their hands. Before they could ask what was next, you leaned in, opposite hands pressing to each of their crotches, and they both groaned lightly in their chest. You palmed them through their clothes, your cunt throbbing with the fact that you enjoyed watching their hooded, lusting expressions bore into your figure. Biting down onto your lower lip, you stopped a tethering moan from escaping when both their hands grabbed onto your ass.

They fondled the flesh as you continued to palm them, the cock buried within their clothes growing harder and larger with every quick movement of your hand. They both were so hot and dangerously heavy hidden away in the confines of the pants, and you wanted nothing more than to be choking and stuffed full of them both.

But you don’t get your way just yet.

“On the bed,” Red suddenly commands, and you stop a squeak from embarrassingly ripping from your throat. You stumble on the large bed, and both Red and White shift so that there’s enough room for you to be perched between them. Ass on Whites side, face on Red’s, and you feel your body freeze when everything picks up speed.

White’s lips are on the back of your thigh, kissing and nibbling on the sensitive skin while his fingers take up rubbing your cunt again. Your body trembles under his ministrations, hips shifting, and bucking against him as he once again buries his fingers into your blistering core.

But with the moans singing from your lips, you felt transcended. The way that your eyes rolled to the back of your head with each shift of White’s fingers proving that point, you focused in on Red, who had shoved your breasts over the hem of your shirt. You whimpered loudly when his fingers pinched at both nipples, tugging at the pebbled flesh. 

“Such pretty noises,” Red whispered, his nose brushing against yours, and you throbbed with the need to be kissed. “Are you enjoying this?”

“Yes,” you breathed, “Please give me more, more, please.”

Red inhaled sharply, his eyes blazing like blue fire before finally, he crashed his lips against yours, unable to hold back anymore, and you cried in glorious acceptance. You kissed Red back with everything you had. Your lips slick with your joining, mixing saliva while he continued to press bruising, heated kisses to your mouth. Your hands at one point had attached themselves onto his biceps, and you found your fingernails to be digging through his skin, but Red didn’t care.

He continued to play with your hanging, sore tits, his tongue entering the barricade of your mouth as he kissed you again, and again, and again.

His name spilling from your mouth until you froze, your back tightening the second something more was happening behind you.

White’s finger, covered in the slick of your essence, was probing through your ass all while he continued to finger fuck your cunt.

“Aw, you do like it when my finger goes into your ass!” White chirped, his finger pressing further past your tight rim, sending your mind into a flurry of thoughts and feelings at the sensation of being stretched out, while you collapsed onto the mattress. Red abandoned you. “Your ass always looks so fucking hot when it takes in my finger. It’s like it's sucking me back in whenever I try to pull out. So. Fucking. Hot.”

You could do nothing but choke out White’s name the second the finger curled in your ass and the fingers buried in your cunt came together to press between the thin wall separating the two cavities, and you keened at the feeling.

“White!” you yelled, your eyebrows furrowed in your pleasure, your hips bucking back against his hands. “More! I need more!”

It was at that moment his fingers abandoned your holes, but before you could cry at the loss, Red was back in front of you, naked as the day he was born. But his cock was hard, pressed against his stomach, standing tall and erect for you to suck.

“Come on, angel,” Red spoke, tilting your chin up so that he may press another sizzling kiss to your mouth. “Play with my cock.”

Still, on your knees, your back arched, mouth entirely occupied with Red’s mouth, your hand blindly grabbed his cock and began to jerk him off. You kissed him harshly, thoroughly, not wanting to let him go without exploring and feeling every little thing you could offer while you run your hand up and down his length.

You fully moaned into his mouth when his fingers lightly brushed against your neck, showing how sensitive you are. He runs his hand all the way down to your hips and latches onto your ass cheek. You mewl against him, wondering just why he was doing that when something hot and wet pressed against your cunt.

Breaking off the kiss immediately, you turned around to see White’s face buried into your ass, but his tongue was meeting your cunt with every languid lick.

“Shit!” you curse, your hips bucking and moving to better find White’s tongue against your core. But before you could find your spot, his tongue abandons your cunt and presses back against your tight, tight rim.

Trembling, your eyes roll to the back of your head, all while Red reclaims your lips.

Your hand encompassing his cock began to pick up in speed as White seemed to interchange between tongue fucking your ass and cunt. Whimpering needs only resonated from your mouth into Red’s as you jacked him off sloppily, messily at heightened speeds while you begged for more.

It didn’t take long before they both pulled away from you, and you in your heat daze, teared up as you watched both Red and White step onto the floor, their twin, identical cocks out, leaking with precum that called your name. You didn't need to be told what to do at this point as you stumbled out of bed, falling to your knees right between them.

With Red’s cock in your left hand, you pulled him into your mouth, your right hand expertly, yet blindly jerking White off. You pushed your head as far down as it could go along Red’s cock, your eyes trying to keep on his the entire time. 

Relishing in the fact that his cock went unchanged, your tongue swirled around Red’s cock, your head bobbing along his length, and Red smirked down at you, pressing the tears in your eyes away. Pulling away with a string of saliva connecting his head to your lip, you alternated onto White’s cock, your left hand continuing to jerk off Red.

White groaned at the sudden heat, immersing against his length, his hips snapping into your mouth as you took him all the way in. You had been dating Shouto for a few years now. You were definitely capable of taking him in your mouth in one go without trouble. But it just felt so different with one of your hands stroking off Red, and White’s hands grabbing your head while he thrust into you.

Before you could settle on White’s cock, you switched back to Red, who decided to command your every little instruction.

It quickly became a game between Red and White on who could make you choke and moan the loudest as they fucked your mouth and throat mercilessly. You, thankfully, were entirely enjoying it, your soaked pussy rubbing against your tight panties, and you rutted against the fabric trying to relive the building, fast pressure in your core. 

“Fuck,” White snarled when Red had you completely choked against his cock. His cock was shoved as far down your throat as it could manage, and he kept you there. Painful tears falling from your eyes while your throat struggled to remain relaxed despite the burning lack of oxygen. “Keep her there, Red. Don’t let her move.”

Red, who was only entranced by you for quite some time, looked up with amusement at his other half.

“What, you like this?” Red asked a taunt hidden in his voice but was buried under so much more throbbing lust. “You like seeing y/n choking against a cock?”

You whimpered against Red, your throat muscles fluttering and flaring along his length-- what was he planning?

“Who wouldn’t want to see y/n like this,” White breathed, and you shook at the nonverbal agreement that passed between the two of them.

You whined at the unknown, finally being released from Red’s cock, and you spluttered and coughed, drool and saliva drenching your chin while you turned towards White, ready to do the same. But you shrieked, the wind knocking out of you when they both picked you up from the floor and tossing you onto the mattress. You bounced when you landed. 

Both Red and White quickly moved to remove your clothes until you were naked as well, their eyes glimmering with their treaty, a million ideas undoubtedly pouring through their mind. 

White is on you first. He joins you onto the mattress, his lips pressing and languidly moving against yours, and you moan against him.

“We’re going to start fucking you now, baby,” White whispers against your mouth, his thumb running up against your still spit slicked chin. With just his finger alone, he moves you so that you’re on your hands and knees before him, waiting like an obedient pet. Your eyes flutter open, just barely opened so that you could meet his stormy grey eyes while his thumb slips over your bottom lip and into your mouth. “I hope you’re ready to be fucked… Red?” he called, his thumb pressing down on your tongue, instinctively flaring your gag reflex.

“Hm?” Red answered back, and you stilled when something hot and heavy smacked against your ass. 

Once, twice.

“Fuck her right.”

Silence.

You whimpered against White’s thumb, your eyes watering while you studied his determined, playful face. There's a chuckle from behind you, and you shiver at the fact that you could practically smell the knowing smirk on his face.

“Obviously.”

And then it happens.

Red slams his cock into your awaiting, wet pussy with a pleased groan while you lurched forward onto White at the mighty snap of Red’s hips. Naturally so, you screamed Red's name, your pussy singing in absolute love over the fact that he’s buried entirely within you, undoubtedly claiming you once again.

Before you could sing your praises for Red, White’s shut you up by replacing his thumb with his cock, and you’re forced silent.

When they worked against each other, they were annoying, irritating, and often horrifying, but together? Well, as Red’s cock shoved more profound and deeper into your womb, and White’s cock conquested your throat, you hummed with the pleasure they brought. Together they were powerful, commanding, and unbreakable, and if the sounds of your wet pussy and choking mouth were to prove it, it was more than just a fact. 

You struggled to keep up with Red’s slamming hips, the girth of his cock stretching you out in an all too familiar way, and White driving cock that choked you out every time you moved. You felt dizzy with the thumping, tingling pleasure, your hand that held onto White’s hips clutching his skin, while your other one manipulated and circled your clit.

You wanted to cum. You wanted to so badly.

“You sound so hot choking on his cock,” Red laughed, his hand coming down to spank your jiggling ass with a single, powerful thwack. You bristled at the sensation. “Do more, sweetheart, I know you can do more; we’ve experienced you doing more.”

You garbled as White smirked down at you, your eyes just barely open enough to see the knowing look in his eyes.

“Use that little slut mouth of yours better, baby,” White taunted, his hand coming to pat your hollowed cheeks roughly, quickly, in a few stinging slaps. 

This is what you liked, you realized as you pulled away from his length, mouth swallowing his balls with heightened eagerness, your hand rubbing his length as you did so. White moaned your name, his head dropping in his pleasure as you did so. 

It must have done something for Red, too, because his fingers dug into the skin on your waist, his powerful thrusts becoming quicker, shorter thrusts that moved you against his cock with rattling power and craving lust. You whimpered against White’s balls and cried out in pleasure-filled pain the moment Red spanked you again, and again, and again.

Your cunt was fluttering, squeezing, and beating in time to your heartbeat. The pleasure within you grew from a light warmth to a blazing heat. You cried for more, your knees and thighs shaking for more.

More friction, more fucking, more of Shouto.

“Turn around, you little cockslut,” White grinned, removing you from his balls. “It’s my turn to fuck your pretty little cunt.”

Whining, you did as you were told, your limbs feeling like lead as Red smoothed back the hair falling on to your face.

Before you were ready, not that you minded, their cocks reclaimed your holes.

It was different this time.

They fucked you differently, you realized when White enjoyed pulling nearly all the way out before thrusting back into you. His strokes and powerful thrusts send the coil in your stomach to grow tighter and tighter. But Red, fuck, Red had his fingers in your mouth, choking you with them as he slapped your cheek with his cock, his precum mixed with your slick smearing all over your cheek as he did so. 

“I want to make sure that you realize that me putting my cock in your mouth is a blessing,” Red coldly smirked, his eyes blazing with a whole other story. But despite it all, you nodded your head quickly. Altogether agreeing with the claim that you needed to earn his cock in your mouth again. 

“I kno thath,” you whine against his fingers, saliva shamelessly dribbling past your lips, your mouth closing to suck on his fingers. “I promith I’ll apprethciate your giff.”

He could try all he wanted, but Red was whipped for you too.

His cock immediately replaced his fingers, slamming to the depths of your throat, all while the wet noises of your throat and choking voices joined the squelching of your cunt. Your eyes rolled in your pleasure, your cunt thrumming with energy as Red’s hands encircled your throat, choking you while he fucked straight down your throat.

“You looked so pretty earlier when you couldn’t breathe,” Red snarled, his cock twitching in your throat the same time White’s cock twitched in your cunt. “I’m just -- fuck do that again -- trying to get you there… faster… Your throat really feels like your fucking pussy at times, shit.”

You whimper at that comparison as you forcefully clench your throat and cunt around both of your boyfriend's cock. 

But you vibrate when White’s finger traces your rim, his finger not disappearing into your wrinkled muscle, but stimulating it well past teasing. You pull off Red’s cock with a spluttering cough, your eyes burning, but you find White’s gaze immediately. 

“What’s going on, sweetness?” White asked, his eyes glimmering with knowledge of what you want already, but the slick fucker just had to ask.

Too bad you weren’t ashamed of shit around him.

“I want you to fuck my ass,” you moan, your hips slamming back against White’s still shifting cock, your hand clenching one of your asscheeks as you split yourself open for White. “Please fuck my ass.”

“Fuck!” they both seemed to growl, and without so much as a break, White switches from your ass and buries his length slowly into your needy, tight ass.

The pitchy, unstoppable moan from your mouth sends both Red and White into whimpering messes as you collapse onto the mattress, your chest heaving with your heightened stimulus. It was starting to hurt, your lack of orgasm, you just needed a bit more done to cum, and you wanted to.

“Where’s my dick?” White finally growls at you as he bottoms out entirely within you. You tremble at the question, body shaking with every stroke of his cock he makes afterward. “Where is it?”

“I-In my ass!” you wail, your ass clenching around him, trying to make him feel this heated pleasure as strongly as you were. “It’s in m-my ass!”

“Do you love my cock in your ass?” White snarls, his hands gripping your waist and slamming you back onto him, your ass squeezing with the sensation. You can’t speak; your mind is overloaded with feeling and emotion. “Why do I even bother? I know you love my cock in your ass.”

Red comes back into the equation, his hands grabbing your jaw and pressing your mouth against his into a searing kiss. You can hardly kiss him back, your mouth pathetically hanging open as he kisses your teeth, mouth, tongue. So, it shouldn’t shock you that in your near blissful blackout, Red hands your limp arms to White, who holds onto them.

His grasp and hold on your arms elevates you slightly off the bed, your back arched, and breasts exposed as he begins to jackhammer into your ass. You want to scream, you want to shudder and cry your sensations to the world, but Red interrupts once more by pressing his swollen, purpling head into your mouth, silencing you with gags and chokes while they both use you.

They both drive into you with ferocity and power, your body nearly limp and twitching with your ever still denied orgasm that refuses to back down, and the way the lack of oxygen makes you spin as Red’s balls clash against your throat in quick, succinct, patterns.

“Sit down, White,” Red snaps at White, and White, who was ever so entranced at how your ass was swallowing his cock, dumbly nods. “Y/n is about to cum, we need to make sure she cums correctly.”

You whine against Red’s cock, unsure if you heard him correctly when White drops your arms. But instead of falling forward as you thought you would, his relaxed arms wrapped around your waist tightly, bringing you down with him.

Your back was pressed against his chiseled chest. And you moaned at the sensation this angle brought in terms of depth and stretch. Your mouth, freed from Red’s cock, opened in a loud, scratchy moan, undoubtedly raspy from the abuse it went through from the vigorous face fucking.

“R-Red!” you cried, your legs shaking when White hooked his arms under your knees and spreading them out, exposing your wet, slick core to Red, who was merely watching. You shifted pathetically, wanting to have both of them on you, not just one. “Red, please!”

But, White’s hips began to thrust upward, resuming his fucking of your asshole, and you howled in pleasure as he breathed heavily, gasping in your right ear. But as your legs trembled, unsure if White would be able to keep your legs in such position, Red pressed on top of you, his weight keeping your legs spread, and his cock quickly slamming within your cunt.

You had one hand buried in White’s hair, the other slipping behind Red’s back when he pressed onto you. The second their cocks rubbed against each other through the oh so thin wall between your ass and your cunt, you screeched. The hand in White’s hair tugging at his roots harshly, and the hand on Red’s back drawing bloody mountains on his skin.

But this didn’t stop them, the slight pain you gave them doing nothing but making them growl in your ear, making your eyes cross in your oblivion while they continued to fuck you.

Sandwiched between them, your breasts crushed by Red’s chest, and your back buried into White’s chest, White let go of one of your legs that immediately latched around Red’s waist. Your eyes crossed, rolling to the back of your head, your mouth agape, but no noise coming out as every massive, hard thrust sent your soul into a new dimension. White’s hand sneaking between Red’s drilling hips and your cunt to pinch and pull at your clit as you shook like a leaf in a windstorm. You came without realizing it, your walls clenching like a vice against Red’s cock, and your ass clenching around White’s in tandem to your orgasm. Both of them moaning against your salty sweat skin, but neither one of them stopped.

Faster and faster, they thrust into you, gaining such speed and power that you felt akin to a ragdoll as they fucked you. They praised you for taking them both at the same time, senseless names, and wordless praise as you took them without a single wince of pain. You were theirs, they claimed, and they were yours. 

The sounds of their cock drilling into the wet caverns of your cunt and ass, the sticking shivering sound of their balls smacking your ass and cunt.

It was so much, growing to be more and more, until your orgasm was once again growing as you attempted to shift your weak, still trembling hips up and down their length, wanton gasps shrill on your tongue. Your body begging for more.

“Gonna cum,” they whispered together, his deep, raspy voice filling both of your ears, and you wailed as your own orgasm tipped once again.

“Cum in me, please cum in me!” you begged with everything you had.

And with your pleading heavy in the air, they came with you. You moaned at the feeling of the hot, sticky thick ropes of cum filling up both your holes, the cocks spasming uncontrollably within you as their hips continued to ride out their orgasms. Your chest heaves as their snapping hips become rolling thrusts until finally, they stop.

All three of you still joined, all three of you sweaty and tired.

When you pass out, you can barely hear them saying goodbye.

…

…

You wake up, your body sore and bruised around midnight.

You groan, stretching out your neck as you realize that there is no body on top of you or beneath you as that was definitely how you all had fallen asleep a few hours ago. Panic filled you when the bed was empty, and you rushed to your feet, cursing when your knees buckled out from under your weight.

Crashing to the floor, you groaned as you lay there.

“What are you doing on the floor?” an all too familiar voice asked you, and you looked up to see if it was Red or White.

You blinked when instead the once two distinctive heads blurred into one, and you stared at your finally normal boyfriend.

“S-Shouto!” you cried, your body weakly pressing off the floor, your arms stretching to you.

Shouto smiled warmly, softly, the perfect in-between of the facial expressions Red and White would give you.

“I’m back, sorry for scaring you like that,” he whispered as he joined you on the floor, letting your arms wrap him into a firm hug, not wanting to let go as you pathetically began to cry.

The two of you lay naked together on the floor, his soft apologies gathering in your ear as you held him tightly, having missed him entirely.

“Do you remember?” you eventually asked long after Shouto managed to bring you back into the bed. You lay curled into his side, your fingers tracing the marks on his body that you had left on both Red and White. “Do you remember what happened?”

“Yes… and I remember how it all felt too.”

“Ew… perv…”

“Try that again? Ms. ‘I-want-your-cock-in-my-ass’.”

“SHOUTO!”

[only-johnny-deppp]

“I WILL NEVER STOP FIGHTING. I’LL NEVER STOP. THEY’D HAVE TO F*CKING SHOOT ME. ” ~ Johnny Depp (August 16, 2018)

🎆 Johnny WINS the right to sue Amber Heard 🎆

The Virginia Court revealed yesterday (August 17) that Amber Heard’s LOST her THIRD tentative to dismiss the $50 million defamation suit that she has trying to escape through the last years. This is a BIG WIN to Johnny that will continue the fight to sue Ms. Heard and move forward with his $50 million defamation after her hoax.

This time, Ms. Heard claimed that the fact that Johnny lost the libel lawsuit in the UK, last year, would give her a full victory in the USA upcoming trial, maybe even dismissing completely, but she forgot that the case in Virginia has different rules and that her tentative was wrong once she didn’t even understood. She believed that the The Sun’s winning was also valid to her, but she was wrong.  

> Explaining the mess and the judge’s decision:

On April 27, 2018, Dan Wootton wrote a piece for the “The Sun” calling Johnny a “wife-beater” as they claimed that there was “overwhelming evidence” that he attacked Ms. Heard during their relationship. At that time Dan Wootton titled his piece as “GONE POTTY How can JK Rowling be ‘genuinely happy’ casting Johnny Depp in the new Fantastic Beasts film after assault claim?”  

On June 1, 2018, Johnny sued the News Group Newspapers (the publisher of The Sun) and the executive editor Dan Wootton, for defamation in the U.K. court, but after the trials in July 2020, the judge Justice Nicol “find” that the allegations that Johnny was a “wife beater” was “substantially true” after believing in Ms. Heard’s lies and ignoring ALL of Johnny’s evidences (testimonies, Ms. Heard confessions and inconsistencies, evidences caught on videos, Johnny’s injuries, etc). So on November 2, 2020, the Judge in the UK litigation ruled against Johnny, allowing people and tabloids to continue the boycott and defamation, which led him to lose his role as Grindelwald on the “Fantastic Beasts 3”.

With this “winning” and Johnny’s lost, Ms. Heard tried to file her THIRD supplemental plea to dismiss the case, because now for her and her team it was clear that he was an abuser, and that both lawsuits center on the same allegations.

But the Fairfax County Chief, Judge Penney Azcarate, explained that although The Sun indeed “won” the legal battle, this not give her the right to dismiss the case, once HER statements are different from THE SUN’s statements:

Defendant = Amber Heard x Plaintiff = Johnny Depp

Clarifying:

1) Ms. Heard and her team claimed “Privity” which stands for “a connection or mutual interest between parties”, the interests were the statements, but as said both The Sun and Ms. Heard had different interests:

The Sun's interests were to show that what they wrote was real, based on Ms. Heard’s statements, but Ms. Heard’s interests were to show that her statements were false once Johnny was not defamed by her Washington Post op-ed, published on December 2018, in which she described herself as a survivor of domestic abuse. 2) Ms. Heard and her team then claimed claimed that as the case had a final judgment, is no longer subject to appeal, but the Virginian Court explained that Johnny sued The Sun FIRST, BEFORE Ms. Heard release her op-ed. So the case in UK is TOTALLY DIFFERENT case from the case in the USA.

Ms. Heard and The Sun’s statements are NOT related in time. Once several months passed between the publications of the two statements: April 27, 2018 = The Sun’s “Wife-Beater” defamation post. June 1, 2018, = Johnny sued The Sun and Dan Wootton for defamation. December 2018 = Amber Heard’s published her op-ed. March 1, 2019 = Johnny sued Ms. Heard for defamation.

So, they ARE NOT related in motivation, neither in time. The only relation is the theme: the alleged abuses..

3) Not satisfied, Ms. Heard and her team, tried a third way to dismiss the case claiming that both courts should mutually recognize each other's legislative, executive, and judicial acts. In other words, if Johnny was found “guilty” in UK, he should be found “Guilty” in the USA as well, but as USA and England have different disclosure and evidentiary rules, the court also didn’t accept her plea, as once Ms. Heard was not a party in the U.K. trial (properly named as “Defendant”), she was not treated as one, and she was not subject to the same discovery rules applicable to named parties 

In conclusion, Ms. Heard tentative to deny Johnny’s right to maintain his lawsuit was REJECTED and her request for sanctions DENIED, the judge decided that it was MISGUIDED and that although she tried to support it based on a bunch of pre existing laws, IT IS NOT SANCTIONABLE.

> So what’s up for the USA trial?

Different from the UK Trials, in the USA Johnny has not brought suit against The Sun, instead he brought forth a DIFFERENT suit with a DIFFERENT defendant (Ms. Heard) based on different statements.  The upcoming trial, set for April 2022 is to Johnny clear his name suing Amber Heard in $50 million after her Washington Post op-Ed in which she wrote about surviving domestic abuse, that led Johnny to suffer with the last 5 years of boycotts and defamation after being falsely characterized him as a domestic abuser. Now Johnny has the right to raise further defenses, show his further evidences and attend in person in court. One of the HUGE EVIDENCES is that different from what Ms. Head said about she did not name him in her op-ed piece, it was already REVEALED that SHE with the help of the ACLU, indeed WROTE the piece DEFAMING Johnny. There are MULTIPLES EVIDENCES showing earlier drafts that went through multiple legal revisions, after her lawyer asks her to not mention Johnny by name or talks about their relationship. 

Amber Heard on Court: The op-ed is not about him. The REAL Drafts: “My then-husband”

AMBER HEARD COMMITTED PERJURY! SHE IS GUILTY!

JUSTICE FOR JOHNNY DEPP I BELIEVE HIM JOHNNY DEPP IS INNOCENT AMBER HEARD IS AN ABUSER

[onechicago-upsteadrhekker]

I’d go black and blue (to make you feel my love) - Upstead one-shot

I’m an hour late for posting on Valentine’s Day but better late than never right??

I wrote this for the @upsteadofficial Love Song Prompt Challenge! It’s probably a little different from a typical V-Day fic but what can I say? I apparently love angst and hurting my own feelings.

Also a HUGE shout out to @mashleighh! Thanks for listening to my ramblings, checking my stuff and always making things better❤️❤️

I hope you all enjoy it!

Read on AO3

Worrying her lower lip between her teeth, Hailey watched Jay slip down the hallway dodging the various cops coming in and out of the run-down house before he turned the corner and disappeared from her view.

Blinking, she tried to push down the urge to follow him. She had a job to do and she’d told Jay she would cover for him, but the text Jay had just showed her mere seconds before settled uneasily in her gut.

Jim. I need your help. Please come over.

“Hailey!”

She gave a start, turning to Kevin who had clearly been calling her a few times, a puzzled look on his face as he tried to get her attention. Realizing she was still standing in the middle of the busy hallway, she moved off to the side with Kevin to let forensics pass.

“You okay?” Kevin asked, his eyes following a couple of patrol officers passing them before turning his gaze back on Hailey, “I called your name like five times. Where’s Jay? Sarge wants to know if you found anything from the security footage.”

Whatever Kevin had just said didn’t register; her eyes still trained down the hallway Jay disappeared through. Sliding her gaze back to her coworker, Hailey gave his chest a distracted pat already moving towards the front of the house, “I need to go. Will you cover for me?”

But before she could leave, Kevin gently grabbed her arm, “Hold on. What’s going on, Hailey?”

She turned back to him, sucking in a breath as she debated over how much she should tell him.

“It’s nothing serious,” Furrowing her brow, she shook her head, “Not yet anyways, but I need to go make sure Jay doesn’t do anything reckless.” She saw Kevin opening his mouth to say something, but she cut him off, “Kevin. Please. Just do this for me, okay? I know what I’m doing.”

Hailey flashed a small, reassuring smile at his concerned expression before she took off in the same direction Jay had a few minutes ago hoping that for once, the sick feeling in her gut was wrong.

*

Her headlights lit up Jay’s truck as she quickly pulled over to park behind it, turning off the engine to sit in the dark for a couple of seconds as she decided what she should do.

It was obvious he wasn’t in the truck and the nagging feeling that something wasn’t quite right wouldn’t leave her alone. After a brief debate in her head over whether she should go undercover or not, the over-cautious part of her won out, quietly opening her car door and tucking her gun into the back of her waistband.

Hailey definitely didn’t want Angela Nelson to find out who Jay was and her by association, but she wasn’t about to enter a situation blind without him and not have a firearm.

She crept up the worn stairs and cautiously peeked into the windows, hoping to catch a glimpse of Jay doing nothing but repairing a broken appliance.

If that was the case, she could then creep back down the steps, shake her head in annoyance for overreacting and never tell him that she’d followed him, but as soon as she saw the front door slightly cracked from where it had been kicked in, her heart sunk, knowing that she was right to worry.

Swallowing hard, she ordered herself to get it together so she could get Jay out of whatever mess his big heart got him into. She was a cop; she knew better than to jump to conclusions without evidence.

But then the part of her that quietly dreamed dangerous dreams and lingered on forbidden hopes also knew all the scenarios running through her mind were very real possibilities

The house was deathly quiet, and it made the hair stand up on the back of her neck as she carefully swung the door in and edged into the living room as quietly as possible, her hand never straying far from where she’d hidden her gun.

Hailey was barely a few feet inside when she heard the distinctive click of a safety being flipped off followed by cool metal touching her temple, “Make a move and you die.”

Before she could react, she was pistol-whipped in the back of the head. Her last conscious thought to dump her star and pray that Jay was still alive.

*

When Jay came to, the first thing he noticed was that his hands were tied behind his back, the second was that he was in some sort of basement and the third was that he wasn’t alone.

His head was pounding, and his vision was blurry, but he would know that blonde hair anywhere.

At first, he thought his mind was playing cruel tricks on him. He hoped his mind was playing cruel tricks on him because why would she be here?

God, she shouldn’t be anywhere near here. Not like this, not laying on the cold, hard floor, unmoving.

He blinked a few times, her facial features partially hidden by blood-matted, blonde hair coming into focus.

His heart stopped and his breath shuttered in his chest. His worst nightmare just came alive right in front of him because it was Hailey. Passed out and tied up a few feet away, out of his reach.

A million questions ran through his head of how, why and who but the most prevailing one was if Hailey was still alive.

Desperate, Jay tugged on his restraints, ignoring the pain it caused his shoulders and wrists. Squeezing his eyelids shut as he strained away from the pole he was tied up to and towards Hailey’s still form.

He had to get to her.

Tears that had nothing to do with the physical agony he was in sprang to his eyes as he realized there was no way he was getting out of the binds he was in. The steel chains were trussed behind his back and around the pole in such a way that he didn’t have much slack if any at all.

Just out of reach. A cruel twist of fate, mocking him. Reminding him that she was always just out of his reach. That she was there with him but not in the way he truly wanted.

Except now, in this moment, it wasn’t metaphorical. And god if that didn’t anger him even more than his cowardness in telling Hailey how he really felt about her.

Because there was nothing he could do. Her skin was unnaturally pale, and he needed to put pressure on her sluggishly bleeding head wound but the damn chains wouldn’t budge. He trained his eyes on her upper body, watching intently.

Was she even breathing? God, he couldn’t tell.

*

“Hailey!”

She was floating in that state between restlessness and unaware, not sure where her dreams stopped and reality started.

“Hailey!”

Jay’s voice wasn’t uncommon in her dreams, but he wasn’t saying her name in the husky manner that she’d come to assign to her night visions.

“God, Hailey! Please do something--say something. Anything! Please…”

Why was he being so loud? And why was her bed so hard?

“Please, just let me know you’re alive.”

It was the sound of his voice breaking that brought her back to the present.

The text message. Angela Nelson. Following Jay.

Jay. His voice. He was alive, thank god.

A sharp pain shot through head when she tried to open her eyes and that’s when she remembered getting knocked out. She moaned, trying to take stock of her injuries over the pounding that slowly surfaced to accompany the harsh stabbing. Her hands were bound in front of her and her ribs hurt from an injury she doesn’t remember receiving.

“Hailey! Oh, thank god!” She heard Jay croak out followed by a murmured, “She’s alive. She’s alive,” Clearly talking to himself.

And that’s when she realized he must have thought she was dead.

Oh, Jay.

He must be tied up far enough away from her to not be able to check for a pulse. Knowing that if he were able to move, he would be right there next to her.

She redoubled her efforts to open her eyes so she could at least see him and reassure him that she was okay. Maybe figure out where they were and ask if they could manage an escape or if they should sit tight, knowing that Jay had probably already run all the possibilities through his mind.

Groaning, she forced her eyes to open and she found herself thankful for dim lighting, “Jay?” She managed to rasp, trying to figure out exactly where he was in relation to her.

“Yeah, I’m right here Hailey.” He paused, and she could almost hear the way his jaw clenched in frustration at not being able to move, “Can you come over here? I just need—I need you over here. Next to me.”

If they weren’t in such a dire situation, Hailey might have downright swooned at hearing those words fall from his lips after she’d recovered from the shock. As it were, her heart was beating a little too fast in her chest and that feeling in her stomach might just be borderline butterflies.

Clearing her throat, she answered, “Just give me a sec.”

She slowly stretched each of her limbs as much as she could with her hands tied in front of her, carefully checking what hurt and what didn’t before she even attempted to sit up. Once she was satisfied that she wasn’t majorly injured, Hailey turned so that she was lying flat on her back which instantly caused her head to spin and her stomach to churn.

Letting out a low groan, she closed her eyes and willed herself not to be sick as the world slowly stopped spinning.

“You good?” Jay’s worried voice cut through the dizziness.

She sucked in a deep breath and decided it was best not to lie about her condition, “Yeah. Just feeling a little sick. I’m like ninety-five percent sure I have a concussion.”

Before he could respond, Hailey forced herself to sit up, using her abdominal muscles since her hands were tied in front of her. If he said anything to her after that, she didn’t hear it, white noise flooding her eardrums as she desperately tried not to pass out.

The comforting words of “Breathe, Hailey. Just breathe,” reached her as she started to become accustomed with sitting upright, finally feeling confident she could open her eyes without seeing stars.

She was facing Jay, and the first thing she noticed was the blood coating his hairline and running down his neck. His lip was a little bloodied and his eye was slightly swollen, and it made her stomach clench in a way that had nothing to do with her head injury.

Gingerly, she scooted herself over to his side, grateful he was only a few yards away and angered as she realized that the way he was tied up meant he didn’t even have an inch of slack.

When she finally maneuvered herself so she was sitting shoulder to shoulder with him, she couldn’t stop herself from leaning her head on his shoulder. She told herself it was because she was still dizzy, and while she knew that was part of it, she knew she craved the comfort of being physically connected more.

And if Jay resting his head on top of hers was any indication, then he needed that physical touch just as much as she had. Silently reassuring themselves and each other that they were here. Together. Alive.

After a few minutes, Jay broke the silence, “What are you doing here Hailey?”

She couldn’t help the humorless uptick of her lips at the irony of the situation, “Well, I had a bad feeling, so I pinged your phone and followed you in hopes of getting you out of trouble.”

Glancing up at him, she gestured half-heartedly to the basement they were in, “You can see how well that turned out.”

When he didn’t say anything, Hailey lifted her head so she could get a better look at him. Careful eyes roamed over his slightly slumped form, checking him more thoroughly for injuries.

Now that she was closer to him, she could clearly see the beginnings of a black eye and an obviously split lip. The blood from his hairline mingled with blood that seeped from a wound on the back of his head, running sluggishly down the slope of neck and into the collar of his shirt.

She was relieved to not see any blood lower down on his shirt or pants, so she concluded that the most damage had been made to his face. His head injury did concern her slightly but he seemed pretty lucid so she figured it couldn’t be that bad.

Hailey knew it could be a hell of a lot worse, and that thought was what prompted her to raise her bound hands and gently touch his face in the pretense of checking his wounds but really, she was just reassuring herself that he was okay.

A lump formed in her throat when she thought about what she could have woken up to.

Shaking the thought away, she dropped her hands, sighing, “What happened, Jay?”

She felt more than saw his frustration. At himself, at the situation--she wasn’t entirely sure, but she had a pretty good feeling that it might be both.

“I got to Angela’s house and when I knocked, there wasn’t an answer, so I kicked in the door. The next thing I knew I was being hit in the back of the head with a pipe or something and then I woke up here.”

He tilted his head back, resting it on the beam he was tied up to. His eyes fluttered closed and she could see his throat working, “God, Hailey,” He turned to her and she was slightly surprised to see tears swimming in his eyes, “When I saw you lying over there, not moving. I-I thought my heart had been ripped right out of my chest. You scared me so bad. I didn’t know why you were here—I didn’t even know if you were alive.”

The way he was looking at her felt dangerous and she couldn’t help but think that they had been here before. Not even four months ago, standing in the breakroom when the threat of being torn apart was looming over their heads. When she was afraid to really look at him; afraid of what she’d find in his eyes if she did.

But today, right in that moment, when they were tied up and unsure of what the future held, she looked. She looked him right in the eyes and she clearly saw what he’d been telling her every time she’d caught him looking at her from across Molly’s and in every knowing glance they shared in the bullpen.

In the way he always checked with her silently before busting down a door, telling her without words that he had her back. In the way he told her he trusted her only using in his eyes.

And now. He looked at her like she was the very breath he needed to breathe. Like the world could crumble and he wouldn’t even blink.

He was looking at her like he was just realizing what love was; his eyes telling her that he loved her.

He was opening his mouth to say something. She wasn’t sure what—it might have even been those three little words, but before he had a chance to get it out, there was a commotion from the floor above, breaking their gaze.

They were suddenly brought back to steel chains and dirty basements, reminding them of the danger they were in. If they didn’t figure out a plan, their great love story could be over even before it had the chance to begin.

“Do you know why we’re here?” Hailey asked a little shakily, drawing back when she realized how close she was to Jay’s face.

Blinking, he did the same and she could almost see the spell fully breaking as he slipped back into level-headed detective.

“From what I gather, Angela helped some friend of hers steal some drugs. The people who she stole them from didn’t take it too kindly; she called me and now we are here,” He said it in the weary manner of one who had been there and done that way too many times.

And sadly, they had, but this time it was different because they were the ones caught in the crossfire.

Hailey sighed, wincing slightly from her bruised ribs, “Where’s Angela?”

Jay shrugged, “She was here when I woke up. She’d been shot in the side, passed out. The two guys who have us carried her out of here; said something about dropping her off at a hospital because they didn’t want any unnecessary blood on their hands. And besides, it was pretty clear she wouldn’t be able to give them any information. Not in the condition she was in.”

Sighing himself, he turned his head towards her, “I don’t what they ended up doing with her, and frankly I don’t care at the moment. I’m more worried about getting us out of here.”

That wasn’t like him to just disregard someone he’d been trying to help—or anyone for that matter—for his own gain, but she had a sneaking suspicion that he really meant he was more worried about getting her out of here.

He was always putting others before himself. Her especially now that she thought about it, and she knew it was just another way of him telling her he loved her.

As soon as they got out of this mess, they needed to have a talk.

“Alright,” She nodded, “So what’s the plan?”

Jay’s heart swelled. Those words, the sure look on her face, the absolute trust she held in her eyes. She was looking to him for guidance, entrusting him to get them out of this without even one ounce of hesitation.

The love he felt for her only seemed to grow with each passing second and he was tired of hiding it. He’d intended on telling her, showing her exactly how he felt, but then he was reminded of the situation he’d dragged her into and the need to protect her outweighed anything else.

And it was because he loved her so much that he needed her to be safe. If anything happened to her—

He knew there was no coming back from that.

Once they got out of here, he was going to tell her everything he’d been harboring in his heart for what felt like ages. He was going to lay it all on the table; that she was it for him and even though he was terrified at the thought of losing her, he was going to work his ass off to make this work. To show her that they could do this.

He knew he had made mistakes in the past, especially regarding his love life and he knew that being together and working together had its fair share of challenges, but he wasn’t about to let her go. Not when he finally found the girl he knew he was meant to be with.

The sound of a heavy steel door clanging shut snapped him out of his thoughts and if he subconsciously tried to inch in front of Hailey despite his restraints, she didn’t call him out on it.

“They don’t know we’re cops, and you know nothing,” Hailey heard Jay rapidly whisper to her before turning back in time to see their two captors appear at the bottom of the steps.

The taller of the two made a beeline straight towards them and Hailey could feel Jay tensing up, using his broad shoulders in an attempt to shield her. It didn’t do much good because the next thing Hailey knew, she was being jerked up, a gun pressed to her temple.

“You are going to tell me right now where those drugs are,” The man’s words were harsh, his breath was heavy on her ear and she could smell the vodka on him.

Jay looked panicked but in control as his jaw clenched in barely restrained fury. She couldn’t help but notice how hot he looked, and she immediately kicked herself for even thinking it under these circumstances.

“She doesn’t know anything,” He practically growled, “Let her go.”

Vodka man brandished his gun menacingly towards Jay before returning it to the side of her head, “She was at that house! There was a gun in her waistband! She knows something!”

Hailey kept quiet, trying to weigh the risks of attempting to knock him out but she decided against doing anything while the other guy was lurking in the shadows. With Jay tied up and unable to move, she knew she wouldn’t be able to take both of them down, especially while tied up herself.

The words that fell out of Jay’s mouth next made her heart beat wildly, and not in a good way, “I’ll tell you all I know, okay? Just take me and leave her alone!”

But that was a lie. He didn’t know anything, and she knew once these guys figured that out, there was no telling what they would do to him. He flashed her a look, pleading with her to be silent, to let him do this for her.

She didn’t want to, but she knew that the best chance of their survival was to do what Jay was asking. So, she stayed silent, glaring when Vodka Guy threw her down and unchained Jay from the pole, leaving his arms bound before hauling him up.

Hailey watched as Jay was shoved towards the steps, his eyes never leaving hers until he was out of her sight.

*

A series of muffled cries suddenly broke the relative silence she’d been sitting in for the past hour and it took all of her might to not scream out his name as she desperately fought with the chains wrapped around her wrists and feet. There were tears brimming in her eyes and she could feel her heart shattering.

They were low, guttural shouts filled with pain and she could only imagine what they were doing to him to make him sound like that. Jay was the toughest person she knew, had endured things beyond her comprehension and hearing him like that scared her.

And knowing that he was in pain for her and that there was nothing she could do about it made her physically sick.

But more than that, she was livid at the people doing this to him. How dare they touch a hair on his head? How dare they do this to him? That this was to be his payment for doing something so kind, so good in a world filled with hate.

Jay was a good man—a great cop—with a golden-heart that wouldn’t let anyone stand in his way of what he thought was right and that was what she loved most about him.

She loved him. And she wasn’t afraid to admit any more.

If this whole experience had taught her anything it would be to not hold back. Life is short, and she knew that. She’d been in similar spots before and had these same profound revelations about how precious life was, but today felt different.

Because the truth was, he had her heart, completely and irrevocably. He had it before she even had the chance to say no and the way she loved him made her question whether she’d ever truly loved anyone before.

She’d been scared before. Falling in love with another partner; just falling in love in general. It was risky and scary and honestly downright terrifying. But what she felt for Jay, she was starting to realize was worth the risk.

Life wasn’t without risks, and experience taught her that a lot of the time she ended getting hurt when she took them, but right here, right now, listening to Jay literally telling her and showing her how much he loved her in every scream, she knew the potential of what they could have wasn’t pointless or without reason.

It was the whole damn universe.

And if someone asked her right here and right now, she would give up her spot in Intelligence, her career, her life, everything—all without a moment’s hesitation, and she would do it all for Jay.

Being thrust into this situation with him has removed any old inhibitions and the lines that were being carefully walked had been completely eradicated.

The whisperings of her heart that had once told her she should give it a try, that he felt the same were now roaring inside of her with words of “I told you so.”

And it was ripping her heart apart.

After all, they say actions speak louder than words and right now, Jay was screaming.

*

It was silent now, and it had been for a little over an hour. Hailey was starting to think she’d rather hear Jay be in pain than sitting in the quiet, wondering if he was unconscious, bleeding out, or worse, already dead.

The only thing that had kept her from going totally down the rabbit hole of worst-case scenarios was attempting to get out of the chains she was in. She was grateful that she hadn’t been tied to the pole as Jay had been, giving her the mobility to scoot around the floor in hopes of finding something that could help her out of her restraints.

She was done waiting for the team. She needed to get them out of there as quickly as possible even if she didn’t know exactly how she was going to go about it yet.

A few minutes into her search, she’d found a file and she’d been diligently sawing back and forth at the weakest part of the rusty chains for last hour or so. It seemed to be working, and she felt like she was finally getting to a point where she could just break them by applying some outside pressure.

The sound of a door banging shut caused her head to snap up and she quickly hid the file in her back pocket. What she saw then she knew would be haunting her dreams for years to come.

The nicer of their two captors had Jay’s arm slung around his shoulder, practically dragging him down the steps before he deposited him in a heap beside her.

“What did you do to him?” Hailey couldn’t help but gasp out, already moving to shield Jay protectively.

He didn’t say anything, and she could see the remorse in his eyes as he headed back up the stairs and out the only door to the basement. As soon as he was gone, Hailey turned to Jay, fighting back the tears at seeing him in this condition.

There was significantly more blood in his hair, his lips were split in multiple places and she was pretty sure he had two black eyes, but that wasn’t what looked the worst. His shirt was torn, and she could see significant burn marks from a taser dotting his chest along with what looked like shallow cuts from a knife.

“Jay,” She whispered brokenly, hoping to get some kind of reaction from him, “Jay, babe.” It fell from her lips effortlessly and she didn’t even think twice about what she had said as she moved to use her body weight to break her chains.

As soon as she could use her arms and legs, she knelt beside him to cradle his face and used the pads of her thumbs to stroke his cheekbones, “Hey Jay. Look at me, baby. Look at me.” Not waiting for a response, she quickly started going over his body to check for other injuries all the while murmuring his name over and over again.

This time she gasped out a sob, all the air leaving her chest as she rucked up his shirt and found the distinctive welts from being whipped covering his torso and back.

“Oh my God, Jay,” She cried softly, wanting to provide him with some kind of relief but afraid to do anything, not wanting to cause him any more pain, “What did they do to you?”

She was surprised when he moaned, not expecting a response as he let out a raspy “I’m fine”.

Hailey couldn’t help but let out a watery chuckle, her hands going back to carefully frame his face as she caught a glimpse of those vibrant green eyes she loved so much, “Only you would say that in the condition you’re in.”

“Kev called undercover. The team’s close,” Even talking seemed to cause him pain, but he powered through knowing she needed to know this, “Found the drugs. They’ll be here soon.”

It was spoken brokenly, but she got the message, and she couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief. There was no way she would be able to get him out of here by herself with him so injured.

Why did he have to be so adamant about her not knowing anything? He didn’t know anything either, but he’d somehow kept their captors from really harming her.

“Hailey,” Jay practically wheezed, catching her attention as he opened his eyes to find hers, “I can’t sit like this. It-it hurts too much.”

She barely managed to stop from crying again, biting her lip as she willed herself to stay strong for his sake. For him to admit he was in pain she knew he must be in a lot of it.

“Oh God, Jay,” Hailey swallowed back another wave of tears as she helped him move in a more comfortable position. She ended up half cradling him, his head resting on the swell of her breast and a protective arm around his shoulders to keep his back up off the ground.

She ran a gentle hand through his still miraculously styled hair, rocking him slightly and in all honesty, at the moment, she felt more like a woman sick with worry over the man she loved than a badass cop looking out for her partner.

Hailey’s not sure if she’s ever cried this much in her entire life or worried so deeply.

“What were you thinking Jay? Why would you offer yourself up like that?” She whispered to fill the silence, a couple of tears escaping on their own accord.

His gaze found hers. Strong, steady and certain in spite of all the pain, “I wasn’t about to let them hurt you. Not on my watch.”

Jay shifted in her arms, wincing slightly, “It’s my job to protect you, Hailey. And that doesn’t mean I don’t know you can protect yourself because you can—you’re a freaking badass, but it’s more than that,” Pausing, he reached up to tenderly brush away her tears with the pad of his thumb before whispering, “it’s because I love you and I can’t bear the thought of you getting hurt if I can prevent it.”

Before she even had a chance to respond, the tell-tale sound of the metal door shutting prompted Jay to move faster than she thought possible with his injuries. She scrambled up after him, but she could tell he wanted to keep her behind him in an attempt to protect her.

If it was anyone other than Jay, Hailey would balk at the notion, but she knew that’s just who he was and how he operated. It was how he protected the people he loved. She knew it wasn’t some caveman idea that she wasn’t capable of taking care of herself. So, she stayed behind him, letting him do what he does just as he let her be the badass she was any other day.

Except for this moment when she was terrified, worried about Jay who by all accounts shouldn’t be standing.

“Where’s our father!?” The drunk one exclaimed angrily, stomping into the basement, “You said your people were getting our drugs and now my father’s not answering my calls!”

He was focused on Jay and Hailey’s eyes were drawn to the pipe she’d found when she found the file, cursing at herself for not bringing it with her to Jay’s side. It was only a few feet away; if she could just get there before their captor noticed, she’d be able to knock him out.

His reactions were slow because of the alcohol in his system so that’s what she was banking on, but she also knew it made him more dangerous and unpredictable.

The gun pointed in Jay’s face made her nervous and she was hoping to get out of here without either of them getting shot but if someone had to take a bullet, it was going to be her for going for the pipe.

It happened so fast. There were two loud pops and suddenly Jay was on the floor in front of her.

She could vaguely make out Adam calling her name as he dashed across the room, knocking Vodka guy’s gun out of his hand but all Hailey was focused on was Jay, on the ground, bleeding. She dropped to her knees, hands immediately going to the gunshot wound in his shoulder and yelled at Adam to call an ambulance.

Kim was suddenly in front of her, kneeling at Jay’s other side and Hailey looked up, her hands still keeping pressure as tears welled in her eyes. Meeting her friend’s gaze, she whispered out brokenly, “He just took that bullet for me.”

*

“What the hell, Will?” Hailey exclaimed in disgust, pissed off about the entire situation.

The red-headed doctor looked about as exasperated as she felt and part of her felt bad about the harried look in his eyes, but she was getting anxious and he wasn’t cooperating with her, so she didn’t feel too bad.

“Hailey, it’s against hospital rules,” Will stressed for what felt like the one-hundredth time. He shook his head; and he thought Jay was stubborn.

If possible, the frustrated look on Hailey’s face grew as she crossed her arms, somehow looking very formidable sitting cross-legged in the middle of a hospital bed wearing nothing but a hospital gown.

“Rules are overrated,” She stated through a clenched jaw.

Will’s eyebrows rose, “Uh. Not gonna lie. It’s a little alarming to hear that coming from a detective.”

She just glared harder and Will was starting to realize he had nothing on a pissed Hailey Upton.

He wasn’t sure if they were engaged in a battle of wills or what, but he was afraid of what she might do if he broke their gaze and looked away. He was honestly a little afraid to blink.

He’d gotten to know Hailey pretty well because of her partnership with Jay, but he wasn’t quite sure he realized just how fierce she could be until this moment.

How fierce she could be when it came to his brother.

Will had always noticed the concern and the protectiveness she’d had when it came to Jay’s injuries on the job. He’d thought the nature of their jobs was the reason for this but over time he’d started to wonder if it was because there was something more there.

Today, he stopped wondering. It was clear there was something there and when Hailey turned her head to conceal the tears welling up in her eyes, he wondered what exactly went down between her and his brother in that basement.

She turned back to him, the determination and love clear in those glassy blue eyes he knew his brother had fallen for, “Will, I have to be with him.”

Still, he hesitated, “Hailey…”

And just like that, the angry pissed off look was back on her face despite the tears in her eyes, “I’ll have you know that I can make your life a living hell, Will Halstead.”

The threat was clear in the way her jaw was clenched but he could see her resolve starting to waver and he just didn’t have the heart to argue with her anymore, hospital rules be damned.

His head dropped in a resigned nod, “Alright. You win,” The relief that wafted off of her was palpable and he couldn’t help but give her a small smile even as he tried to look stern, “But, you have to take it easy because you’re a patient too. Also, if I get fired, I’m blaming it on you.”

*

If there was thing Hailey Upton was capable of, it would be getting her way when she wanted it.

Maybe it was all that time spent manipulating suspects in giving her the information she needed or maybe it stemmed from wheedling sweets and trinkets and whatever the hell else she wanted out of her older brothers when she was a kid, but usually, when it came right down to it, she was always able to convince people to hand her the requests she’d made on a silver platter.

And that’s how she found herself sitting on her own hospital bed that had been rolled into Jay’s ICU room for the foreseeable future.

As soon as the nurses that had transported her from her room were out of sight, Hailey very carefully got out of her bed, maneuvering around the IV going into her hand and gently slid in beside Jay. He was asleep but she knew from Will that he had already been awake, asking for her first thing as he came out from under anesthesia.

She was extra cautious to not upset the various lines running from his body and to machines monitoring his vitals as she settled in bedside his warm body, gently resting her head on his uninjured shoulder.

Hailey didn’t know how long she’d been laying there when she felt Jay shift, his voice slightly horse, “You know, I might start enjoying hospital stays if they mean I wake up next to you.”

Lifting her head, she blinked back tears for what felt like the millionth time in the last twenty-four hours. He was staring at her like she was his whole world, and he was just realizing what life was.

She wanted to kiss him. Was planning on it, but first she had to know, “Jay, why on earth would you take that bullet for me?”

Hailey was pretty sure she knew the answer. She was pretty sure it’s the same answer she would give him if she’d just taken a bullet meant for him, but she needed to hear it and not when he was laying on a dirty basement floor, writhing in pain.

She wasn’t sure laying on a hospital bed in a hospital right after he’d been shot was any better but it’s what they had, and he seemed pretty coherent for someone who had just had major surgery.

“Because I love you,” He said it so simply, so matter of fact and she marveled at the way it was so easy between them now.

And all it took was being kidnapped together.

Something happened between them while chained together in that basement. Something they had both been fighting for a while now and maybe it seemed sudden or rushed but Hailey knew in her heart of hearts that she and Jay were meant to be together.

Love wasn’t something you forced. It was something you had to wait for, maybe even had to get hurt along the way to really understand, but she now knew it was worth the wait.

“I love you too,” She almost whimpered before kissing him.

It wasn’t lusty, but it had an almost frantic urgency about it as they both silently acknowledged they could have very easily not had this moment.

He kissed her like he thought he’d never see her again and he told her yet again with his actions that he would follow her to the ends of the universe and to the very last of their tomorrows.

She knew they still had a lot to talk about. The things he especially went through in that basement, but she knew that could wait because they were alive and that was enough.

Because there was no doubt in either of their minds now.

They were right where they belonged.

Leave a comment! I’d love to know what y’all thought!!

[roswelldetails]

RNM 2x10 - American Woman

EPISODE SUMMARY:

SECRETS OF THE PAST — After uncovering a cryptic message from the past, Alex (Tyler Blackburn), Isobel (Lily Cowles), Max (Nathan Dean), Michael (Michael Vlamis) and Maria (Heather Hemmens) set out in search of answers at the reservation where Alex’s mother grew up. Meanwhile, Cameron (guest star Riley Voelkel) encourages Liz (Jeanine Mason) to reach out to someone from her past after Auturo (guest star Carlos Compean) gets detained. Marcus Stokes directed the episode written by Rick Montano & Vincent Ingaro & Jason Gavin (#210). Original airdate 5/18/2020. 

DETAILS:

Tripp brings Louise to the Reservation in a body bag where the Navajo doctors are able to save her life.

"Your message said that you were gonna bring two women that would be no trouble.  This looks like a lot of trouble."

"I must have gotten the codes wrong."

"No, don't give me that Manes man nonsense. Not here in my own home."

"Her name is Louise. I promised her friend Nora I'd protect them. My brother triggered an ambush before I could get them here. And Nora…"

"Wait, what does the Air Force want them for?"

"They're not from around here. They're from...up north."

"Yìiyáh. No. She can't stay here… What if your brother comes here and finds a fugitive.  I can't put my people at risk for a white woman."

"Please. You're the only person I trust. If she doesn't make it, it was all for nothing."

"I'll have you remember that I was the one that saved your ass in Okinawa. I don't owe you anything. I'm only doing this because you're my family. And because I'm a damn fool."

A few notes on this scene:

--I don't know why Tripp pretends he got the codes wrong.  Unless he's spiraling and talking about the timing of the attack.  But it seems like he means the message that he was bringing them to the reservation.  Clearly things didn't go according to plan.  Though, it is always possible that we're still missing bits of the story.

--OG Easter Egg.  "They're not from around here.  They're from up north." For anyone who didn't watch OG, this is almost exactly how the exchange went when Max told Liz he was an alien in the 1999 pilot.

--Yìiyáh - I found nothing on this word.  I'm assuming that it's a curse word or general exclamation of negativity, but literally got zero results on google. It's possible, of course, that it's misspelled in the captions.  There were a lot of errors in the captions in this opening scene.

--While there really isn't any overt statement that Alex is half Navajo and this town is part of Navajo Nation (which has been in the news a lot lately and therefore is a good place in this country to be aware of), there's lots of clues or subtle enough statements that I feel like it can be accepted as fact, since: Harrison is a codetalker, the necklace is Navajo, tsela is a Navajo word. So I did a little peeking and it could work.  The closest Navajo town is about a 4 hour drive from Roswell.

Navajo Nation: 

(side note - Navajo Nation has extreme poverty but also is utterly gorgeous. And the Tribe gets income from tourism. Just a few places there that I'm dying to go? Monument Valley, Antelope Canyon, Shiprock.  Check it out.)

Liz comments on Max's irregular heartbeat, with literally no acknowledgment of the fact that she's straddling him and has a history of causing his heart to race...and other forms of lack of control (think 1x03).

"I'm excited about this though. You know Alex dug up all that info on our bio Mom. You sure you can't come?"

"Got to take my dad in for his blood tests. I want to check on Jenna too.  Cannot believe she's back in the hospital again."

"She's been in pain for weeks. I have no leads on the mysterious hunting van, and Charlie hasn't made contact."

"Hmm. To be fair, I do hear that phone service is a little spotty in flying saucers."

"Okay, I get that. You think my alien abduction theory is bogus."

"I know you're worried that this has something to do with you, but I don't think this is an alien thing."

"Cam and I had fractal burns on our necks. We had no memory of what happened. That's alien stuff. I just want clarity on something."

--Note that it's past time to abandon all hope of anything resembling a defined timeline for this show...once again we have weeks passing between episodes. This is the second time this season that the time passing has only been generically described as "weeks".  It's been at least a year since Liz came back to Roswell (per her conversation with Diego), but a year would be summer (late May or early June, specifically), and in this episode Isobel mentions that it's winter (which would be a year and a half).

Maria's pitch:

"In conclusion, esteemed members of the Roswell Tourism Board, while the Pony is normally a sanctuary for locals during CrashCon, I think that my plan to turn it into the Contact Cantina Pop-Up Bar will be a hit with alien fans."

"We're talking more money than we first speculated, aren't we now?"

"You know, Mayor Bernhardt, I forgot to tell you about our new morning cocktail… It's coffee, vanilla cream, and our best bourbon. Let me get you a double."

Note: so this is the famous Mayor Bernhardt. Funded by the Long family. Doesn't like immigrants. Had a racist relative who wouldn't give first prize to the black man.

Maria's vision…

Herself, younger, sitting at the Pony bar. 

"You have to let me go! You're just crazy! And I'm trapped!"

And then she runs from the bar crying.

She's not wearing the necklace.

Describing it to Michael:

"I had a vision, but it was more like a memory. Of a fight I had with my mom when I was younger."

Isobel interrupts Michael and Maria to pick them up for the road trip. Just a few relevant excepts from this scene:

"Pack your bags. We're going on a family road trip."

"Is this why Max wanted the day off?"

"In the photo of Max and Isobel's bio Mom, there was a water tower. Alex recognized that water tower from the town where his mom grew up. You should come with us."

Alex and Forrest talk in the Crashdown:

"Hope that limp isn't from a paintball injury."

"Nope. Those bruises have mostly healed. I just got a new prosthetic. Takes a minute to get used to. You working on your book?"

"I write my book on my computer.  However, I write my angsty emo poetry in an angsty emo journal."

"I'm actually working on some poetry myself. Well, song lyrics, technically. It's a lot harder than it was in high school."

"Yeah, writing was easier for me when I was a kid too. Feelings...we bury 'em now. You just got to find that thing inside of you that doesn't have a voice. Lend it yours. You know? Listen, I have like, zero musical talent, but if you need help with the worst part, we could, uh…"

"Actually I'm leaving tomorrow for a few days to go talk to some recruits."

Michael interruptus, and the conversation goes casual.

--What happened to "angsty nerd isn't really my type." Or...was it FORESHADOWING!!!?! 😂

--Oh hi there clear shot of Forrest's clearly Deep Sky logoed ring…

Cam has been having debilitating migraines that have been keeping her bedridden since the abduction.

Nurse Kate is a badass. she tries to keep ICE from getting into a patient's room. Liz hears her and hurries to the waiting room, where there's more ICE activity. Liz panics and tries to get Arturo out of the hospital, but she caught the attention of the ICE officers. However, Liz knows her rights.

"He has applied for his green card. I'm his sponsor, okay? This is his G-1145 right here."

"You can show that to the court."

"It's okay. Call the lawyer."

"No. He is a diabetic. It is illegal to detain a patient."

"Exigent circumstances. Move."

"No. Hey, this is an unconstitutional arrest and the ACLU will be all over you."

"Elizabeth, we respect the law in this family. If you're in trouble, who will take care of the mouse?"

--G-1145 is a request for confirmation that your green card application has been accepted:

--The timing of this all. Liz has been prepared for this moment all her life and would fight it to the point of getting arrested herself, if not for Rosa. Rosa's safety is the only thing that convinces Liz to step aside.

--As an only semi related note, this is a really interesting contrast to how they wrote Jeanine's character out on Grey's Anatomy.  

--Also feel like it would be remiss of me to not point out Liz's reactiveness and fightinf mentality is mirroring how Liz initially reacted to Max pulling her over in the pilot.

"Okay. So the Deputy on call says there's one detention center in the county. Here's the info."

"He doesn't have anything left in Mexico. No one. Nowhere to go."

"You can't think like that right now."

"I think like this always. Rosa and I used to recite our escape plan for if our parents got deported and we got separated in foster care. I begged my parents not to tell Santa where we lived because I was afraid he'd ask for papers. My whole life was built on a fear of this day coming, and it's here. If I'd have kept better track of his health, he wouldn't need these tests. I should have made him move to California. I thought we were safe being outside the hundred-mile zone, but after this election I should have known better. And I should have made him wear a sweater this morning because it's freezing out there. And what if he…?"

"...okay think. Is there someone we can call?"

"Kyle's at a conference, but I can have him call his mom."

"Do you know anyone with some real power? You know, Federal muscle?"

Cam gets dressed to take Liz to the Detention Center and Liz calls Diego for help.

The road trip group arrive at the reservation and meet Gregory Manes.  He says he remembers them all from high school.  He takes Max, Michael, and Isobel to learn about Louise while Alex and Maria go jewelry shopping.

Meanwhile Gregory is taking the Pod Squad to Louise's grave, but pauses for some flirting:

"You're still the Isobel Evans who convinced the basketball captain to pull four different fire alarms to get out of AP Gov, right? Yeah, legend. Here she is."

"Oh my God, it's covered in flowers.  It's winter."

"Rumor is they grow year-round unattended. She was a healer. I'm told she helped with trauma, addiction, that sort of thing. All without speaking."

"This another grave?"

"She was pregnant."

"Louise arrived gravely injured. And the baby didn't survive.

--Louise died the same day the Pod Squad came out of the pods, confirming that she is probably the old woman on the reservation that was described in 1x09.

--Michael found the mysterious purple flowers growing on Louise's grave.

Alex and Maria at the trading post.

"Are you okay? Seem a little off."

"I had a vision during a meeting this morning. It almost cost me a deal that could save the bar. Maybe I should just wear the necklace. Go back to being a social media guru. Slash barkeep. Slash magical trope in our redneck mayor's fantasy."

"So why did you really come today? Your ideal day off isn't fighting for the radio silence with Isobel Evans, so…"

"This is the back of my necklace. The word stamped in the silver says Tsela. The necklace is Navajo, so I thought maybe that was the jeweler, but no one I've asked here seems to know who made it. I just want answers."

"Well, there's a ton of silver jewelry for sale here. So why don't we just keep looking for something with the same stamp?"

Pod Squad sharing a bottle of acetone by Louise's grave.

"Noah said our planet was war-torn. But the hell they found here can't have been worth it."

"Do you think that Louise's baby died from her injuries or do you think maybe it was never going to survive?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I was pregnant. When you died. Obviously I'm not anymore. I just can't help wondering if that was my last chance. Assuming that humans and aliens can't procreate because they're different species. Maybe that little baby wasn't viable."

"You almost died during the abortion, didn't you? I could feel it. Noah almost killed you again, huh? Oh, I need a minute."

After Max leaves Michael offers to be a sperm donor for Isobel if she ever wants to have a kid.

Liz at the Detainment Center

"It's Ortecho. Arturo Ortecho. He's my dad. And he needs gliclazide and beta-blockers. I brought both."

"We can't take contraband here, but there is an infirmary on-site, if he's here."

"You know, out of curiosity, did Nebane Abienwi visit an infirmary before he died of a brain bleed in your custody? What about Johana Medina León? She was 25 years old, okay? People walk through those doors and they die...Who's your supervisor? You need prior approval before conducting enforcement in a hospital. There was a compliance memo."

"Right, a memo, which is just like a law only not. Unless you calm down, I'm gonna arrest you for obstruction."

"Okay, Liz, maybe sit down.  Sir, I'm Deputy Jenna Cameron, and we appreciate your interpretation of your guidelines, but we have an urgent health concern about an inmate here, if you just wouldn't mind checking the system."

Jenna goes with the agent…when she returns...

"Do you have a court case next week for a vandalism charge?"

"What? Yes, but I didn't do it. I'm just gonna plead guilty and pay the fine. It's nothing."

"They denied your dad's green card application because of a misdemeanor on your record. You can't be his sponsor."

Jenna's headaches overtake her. Meanwhile, the ICE agent comes back with news:

"Here just came up. Ortecho is being transferred to El Paso for his deportation hearing. You can see him there around Tuesday."

--Liz's misdemeanor is taking the fall for Rosa's vandalism from when she was arrested by Sheriff Valenti in 2x02.

Gregory takes the Pod Squad to see Harrison who is on his death bed.  Manes boys are always welcome here, the woman tells them. Harrison is the only one Louise ever spoke to on the reservation.

"He met my great uncle Tripp Manes fighting in WWII.  Harry was a code talker."

Michael gets Gregory to leave with him so that Max and Isobel can go inside of Harrison's head. Their conversation:

"You look like her."

"Harrison.  You look different."

"That was a lesson I learned from Louise. How to take your mind to a better time when you're in pain. Come on. I haven't seen the sky in a while. I'll tell you about her...I taught Tripp the codes in the Pacific. That's how we set up the rescue. He was supposed to snuggle Louise and Nora here, but the plan fell apart."

In the past between Harrison and Tripp:

"You've changed. The man I met on that ship obeyed orders."

"Guess I saw what happens when good men fall in line with bad orders. I'm a Christian, Harry. When evil itself tells me to kill a woman with child, I disobey. Even if the evil looks just like my brother."

A nurse rolls Louise into the room in a wheelchair.

"Did you find a family for her?"

"There should be music where you take her. I think she's a dancer."

"You can give her a house full of music, Louise. Nora wanted me to protect you so that you could protect the child."

"No. He's coming for me and I can't even move. No. When the devil comes, I won't be able to fight for her. Please. It is hard to be a woman on your planet.  It's only gonna be harder still for her. Roy Bronson believed in meeting hatred with compassion. And I want her to be like him. A light in the darkness. A little star on the ground. I want that for both my girls."

"Where did he take the baby?"

"Can't say."

"No. Tell us where our sister went."

"She isn't your sister. Louise rarely spoke, but when she did, she spoke of two daughters. Two stars on the ground. She had no sons. You aren't hers. You came from something else...She lived for decades longer than she should have, trapped inside of a body that could no longer dance, waiting for a sign that you would be all right. She loved you."

Jenna wakes up back at the hospital.

"I asked them to run a new test. Your headaches are spinal headaches. Because there was a hole torn into your spinal cord."

"I'm sorry, what? My kidnappers gave me a spinal tap?"

"Do you mind signing off so I can look at your tox screen?"

"Yeah, of course, but, Liz, you don't have to do this, okay? Your dad, and…"

"I need a distraction. I can't leave for El Paso until tomorrow, and they're not letting him have visitors other than his lawyer until Tuesday, so...thank you for being here. You used your privilege to help me. I'm furious that I needed it, but I needed it."

--Reposado is a type of tequila

--Spinal Headaches:

Isobel and Max on what they learned from Harrison:

"You've always been different than me and Michael, okay? Always. You were the leader. From the start. I mean, you're the special one. You're the healer."

"I was. Now I can't even sneeze without my heart skipping a beat. All my life, no matter how weird things got, I never felt alone. Because I was your twin. Maybe I'm different. Maybe I'm a freak...I can't stop thinking about being chained up when I was a kid. It didn't feel like someone bad chained me up. It felt like I was the someone bad."

"Max, you're not dangerous."

"Saving people destroys me. But killing Noah? That felt good. I was high. And whenever I think about what he did to you, I want to chase that high. I wish I could kill him a thousand times. Louise mentioned the devil. Maybe something evil was chasing them. And maybe that something was me."

"Okay. I want to show you something. You see this hand on her shoulder there? See, Michael thought it was just someone who got cropped out of the photo, but no. Any female would recognize that body language. She does not want that hand on her. Louise said the devil would come. I think something evil was after them, but it wasn't you. I want to find out who it was."

Alex and Gregory:

"Hey, I just wanted to say thank you before we go. I also feel like I should congratulate you on getting out."

"Of the Navy?"

"Of the family. Getting out from under Dad."

"You got to break free of him, man."

"Do you feel free?"

"I don't think I get to be free until you are, Alex. You know, you're my brother. I wish that I would've stood up for you more."

"You know, I think he's actually getting a little bit better. It's like the stroke melted away the psycho in his brain or something." 

"If you can forgive him you should. Cast off the stone. Let me hate him for you. I owe you that much."

Back at the trading post with the whole road trip group.

"We scoured the store for jewelry that said Tsela on it, but nada. Although I did manage to spend an entire week's worth of tips anyway."

"Tsela?"

"Yeah it was printed on the back of my grandmother's necklace. I thought I might find some answers here."

"Well, apparently, it is Navajo for star on the ground. So, you guys ready to go?"

"Star on the ground.  Maria? What year was your grandmother born?"

"Uh, '48, I think?"

"Was she adopted?"

"Yeah. Oh my God."

"Your grandmother was my sister."

Note: The direct translation of Tsela is stars lying down. Interestingly, it's often a name in Navajo. When I googled it, the top results were names for Navajo boys.

Diego and Liz's conversation:

"Diego, I never would have reached out if it weren't an emergency. Thank your mom for me."

"The Senator was more than happy to call in a favor. She's always liked you."

"I like her too. We need more people like her."

"Look, we got lucky your dad got out at all, much less without an ankle monitor. And you pissed a few people off back there, so it's not likely that this is the end for you. Who's your lawyer? Or should I make some calls?"

"No, you've done enough. After what I did, I can't even believe you listened to my voicemail...How did you get here so fast?"

"I was at the airport in Phoenix when you called. Just had to reroute real fast."

"And how have you been?"

"Well, my fiancée left me. I'm kidding. No, I'm seeing someone.  It's getting pretty serious, so…"

"Good. Me too."

"Good. We can be friends...And don't take this the wrong way. Please tell me you're not wasting that incredible brain of yours writing alien hamburger puns."

"I am working on a few projects. Nothing I can talk about, but, I'm not wasting anything."

"Well, all the coolest studies make you sign NDAs anyway, so…"

"You know what? There actually is something...Do you know what butyricol is?  Worth a shot. It's this chemical I found in my friend's tox screen. I had never heard of it."

"Maybe you're slacking, Ortecho."

"I am sorry, it has only been a year. Did you literally forget everything about me?"

Note: I'm very pleased to say that when I googled butyricol, half of the top results were RNM related.  Definitely not a real drug.

Malex fight in the bunker:

"We're closed!"

"Hey, that alien console piece that Jim Valenti left me...You still have it?"

"No. I sold it on eBay."

"You didn't attach it to your console."

"I tried. Doesn't fit."

"So, Tripp left this for my dad before he died. My dad thought it was a code, but this is a reference sketch of this exact piece. My dad's been looking for this thing for 30 years and Jim Valenti had it all along...I'm gonna give it to him. I want to see what he does with it once he's got it. Look, if it didn't fit in your console, then it fits somewhere else. My dad could lead us there.""Your dad hunts aliens, Alex. He'll lead my family right off a cliff."

"I've protected you so far. That's not changing. Besides, he's different these days...I don't trust him, Guerin. I just…I'm asking you to trust me.""When we were kids, you believed people were good, despite humanity doing everything to prove you otherwise. And, God, I loved you for it. But what was charming when we were 17, it's just stupid now. How do you not see that? You believe there's some good in your father?"

"Yeah. Yeah I do. God forbid I have faith in people who don't give me a good reason to."

"That's not fair."

"No? Why is your hand covered? You miss your injury because you want to hurt. Your anger made you feel safe. I will always hate my father for what he did to you, but I don't want to live in that toolshed for the rest of my life. I don't want to walk around thinking that people don't change, that one day everyone's just gonna let me down, 'cause I am not building a damn rocket ship in a hidden lair. There's one way for me off this planet. And I need to believe in a reason to stay. I promise I'll keep you safe."

"Can't let you leave with that."

"What are you gonna do? Fight me for it?"

And then Alex leaves and is kidnapped. Hit over the head by an unknown assailant. The note from Tripp blows away.

Max and Liz are talking back at Max's house while Max drinks a lot of bourbon.

"You know, you never told me why your parents immigrated here in the first place."

"My dad wanted a family, but not in Juárez. There was no opportunity, no money. Women were disappearing there all the time. He didn't want my mom to be one of them. So he fled. You're wondering why your family came here."

"If I even had a family. I know so little about my own story. And the parts I thought I understood are just unraveling."

"Max. Family is the one area where I am certain that biology does not matter. Look, when I found out that Rosa was only my half sister that didn't change anything."

"This is different...There are only three of us on this planet, as far as we know. I mean, feeling disconnected from them makes me feel completely alone."

"Completely alone? I'm right here."

"When you needed a rescue today your Mensa society, old money son of a senator ex was there to answer your prayers. I couldn't even answer a call. You didn't need me."

"Oh my God. Okay, so would you prefer that I did need you? Would you prefer to come home to find me crying into my dad's windbreaker so that you can swoop me up and drive me to El Paso for his deportation hearing in the morning?"

"That's not fair. You wanted me to talk about today."

"Yes, okay. I'm sorry. I want you to feel better."

"Well, you think maybe you could go back in time and not meet someone as handsome as Diego? Seriously. He's like if someone mixed a cologne ad with a Kennedy. It's ridiculous. I will never feel adequate again."

"You're wrong. Max, let me be clear. You are objectively better in bed...And I never woke up on a Sunday morning to him singing Hank Williams in the shower...He never snuck unreasonable tips into my dad's checks. Or quoted Henry the Fourth. Coming home to you at the end of my worst days and my best days is the only rescue I need."

I actually found this background on the Ortechos to be fascinating.  In case you don't know Juárez is a pretty big city directly opposite the border from El Paso. It does have some huge crime issues. But it also is one of those border cities where the border is a little thinner. Like San Diego and Tijuana.  People live in Juárez and work in El Paso and vice versa.

If you want to see a really dark & gritty portrayal of Juárez, I'd highly recommend you to check out the American version of the show The Bridge.  Which literally deals with an investigation related to disappearing women.

Isobel and Maria at the Pony:

"She looks so determined."

"Yeah, neither of us would be here if she hadn't been. You know she was paralyzed 50 years and she still managed to use her powers to help ease troubled minds. You know how hard that is? To take on someone else's suffering? I mean, it doesn't just disappear. She would have been carrying all of that."

"She suffered so much loss."

"I don't know how to be worth it."

Michael on the bracelet.

"The beads are made with pollen from the alien flower. I found another plant growing at Louise's grave. Okay my working theory is that they grow from alien remains. There's this UFO lore about that Libyan desert where the flowers have been discovered before. You don't have to wear it if you don't want to. I know better than to think I can save Maria DeLuca. I hope you decide you can save yourself."

Max is still drinking after Liz went to bed.  At 4:04am Diego calls and wakes her up. 

"I made a call, about that toxin in your friend's system. Butyricol. It's a drug. It's a memory eraser. It was developed by a private organization and purchased by the military for weaponization. There's no approved application outside of violent combat."

Liz tries to call Alex, but he's too busy being unconscious in the back of his SUV.  So his kidnapper pockets his phone.

Max has a memory flash. There's fighting, weapons clashing, a woman's voice...all while he's chained down in the cave. Louise appears and kneels down to touch his shoulder.  He looks afraid, but she's trying to comfort him (even though she has blood splattered all over her white clothes). She smiles and nods and then cuts Max free of the chains with her alien weapon. She offers him her hand, but before he can take it a figure in white appears and he and Louise fight. Max cries out and hides his face.

Present day Max is visibly shook by the flash.

MUSIC:

1.  Shelly Fairchild "Worry No More"

2.  Powerslide "Just You And I"

3.  Will Fox "Against The Tide"

4.  Tommee Profitt feat. Sam Tinnesz "Bullet With Butterfly Wings"

[deadlymilady]

What is your worth?

You can read it on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25941511

Summary: Kyo knows what Tohru recently using his favorite spot on the roof to think. What kind of thoughts swirling in her head right now? She started to act weird since Rin has returned to hospital. Kyo wished he could help her with whatever was going with Tohru. However, he just had no idea what it is… A flash of lighting has brighten his room, bringing him out of his thoughts. In next seconds, with the help of his cat senses, boy heard a crash of metal against the wood and slight thud on the ground.

A/N: Well, its been long since the last time i wrote everything and, eh...I forgot all the synonyms i knew on this language. I hope you will understand) P.S Inspiration hit me when i scratched my knee and tore my jeans. Goddamn road holes...

Autumn nights are the best time to think about some things. This time of year in Japan is rich with colorful orange and red pictures, what even in the night time you can see the trees shining with their brightness in the dark. Despite the beginning of rainy days, nights were warm and there was no problem to sit on the roof and enjoy fresh air.

Since the end of summer trip, Tohru was visiting this “thinking” space almost every night. Her mind was swirling with many thoughts about the things what happened since then. Meaning of Soma curse; Kureno; Akito’s speech; Uo; Momiji’s situation; Tohru’s mother…But one thing concerned Tohru the most- Kyo’s confinement.

After trip to Kyoto and Rin’s accident, she couldn’t stop thinking about a way how to break the curse. Tohru stumped. Isuzu has said what there was no way to break it, but…still, she haven’t stop searching for one.

Tohru wished she would such a determination. For now, she was in the same situation as Rin. Tohru had no idea what to do. Isuzu asked Shigure and he said nothing. She asked Kazuma but he doesn’t know much about curse, due to his grandfather being locked from the outside world…

A chill run down Tohru’s spine at the mention. Kazuma’s grandfather was Cat’s spirit and because of being able to transform into beast like creature, everyone who is possessed with this spirit destined to be locked for the rest of their lives. Everyone…

Kyo’s picture appeared in Tohru’s mind. She couldn’t help but hold back a sob. This isn’t fair! Cat in the tale haven’t done anything wrong. Why the spirit’s of his have to be in such state they are? Tohru has come to conclusion what from all of Zodiac animals Kyo is the one who was actually damned, than cursed.

Again, she can’t do anything about it, yet. Tohru let out a sigh and stared into the dark blue sky. The night filled with dark clouds; maybe there is going to rain. Rain…Kyo, probably will have a headache. Once again, the Cat has to suffer.

The girl promised to herself on cold roof: she WILL find a way to break the curse, so no one could suffer. She will try to find as much information as possible. Tohru just have to wait. Hope and wait for the way…

Rumble of thunder echoed in the air. Tohru has decided is time to go down and get to sleep. She got up and carefully crawled on the roof to the ladder, attached to the wall of house. When she reached first step with her feet, a flash of lighting tore the sky. Tohru swing her head up eagerly. She started counting how far away the storm was and accidentally leaned back too much.

The move caused the end of the ladder against the wall broke away from it. Tohru rocked back from the move. She gasped and tried to move ladder back to it’s place, but was pulled back even harder. Tohru looked behind her back, and saw what she and ladder quickly flying to near tree.

Girl started to think, and came to conclusion: there no way she can avoid hitting the tree. Except, one…Tohru wasn’t that high from the earth. So, the girl thought she will pull through only with scratches. Before the ladder could crash into the tree, Tohru hopped down from it and flew to the ground. Once she landed on her knees, Tohru’s body started to roll until her back hit the wall where the ladder just been. Another rumble of thunder has echoed. Much stronger than previous one.

-Ow...- she whined and carefully tried to get herself into sitting position. Tohru examined her body for injuries. Her hands covered in dirt and on her right wrist, she saw a slight abrasion. Girl felt relive at first, until her gaze fallen on her legs. Her blue pajama pants were in the terrible shape. On her thighs and down were a large trails of dirt and they mixed with blood droplets…

Tohru leaned in to look at her knees and made a painful scowl. The pants were tore open on her kneecaps and she saw large abrasion on her right knee. The other leg was in same shape.

Everything that has left for Tohru is letting out a tired breath. Slowly she started to straighten herself up leaning her hands against the wall. Tohru let out a hiss, when her wrist and knees begin to sting. The girl was about to make a first step, when she heard a voice calling:

-Tohru?

                                                      *    *    *

All day long, Kyo had an irritating feeling of fatigue and lethargy. That could mean only one thing for him: Cat spirit predicting the rain. Kyo was laying on his back on futon in his room. It was only around 10 of the evening, but Kyo’s head hurt so much from the exhaustion, what he was afraid he would throw up. Boy already dressed himself into his sleepwear. White shirt with long sleeves and sport pants with two yellow lines on sides.

Seems like summer rains in this year was going easy on him and the autumn ones decided to show everything they got. Cold weather came earlier than expected and this means that the rains will be stronger.

«Damnit Cat Spirit»- Kyo thought to himself. The Soma Curse was always a burden to him, but in times like this, it was the damn. He can’t be a part of the Soma clan. He always have to wear this blood-covered bracelet, to keep him from turning into hideous monster. He can’t live like other animals from the Zodiac. He can’t even hug the person he love.

Kyo’s fate was to be locked in the Cat’s room after graduation to his last days. Locked from the world, from everyone…from Tohru.

He heard a rumble of thunder coming from his open window. Kyo groaned and turned to his side. He already made a promise to yourself about Tohru: he will be by her side as many time as possible. Until the faithful day of goodbye will come…

Kyo knows what Tohru recently using his favorite spot on the roof to think. What kind of thoughts swirling in her head right now? She started to act weird since Rin has returned to hospital. Kyo wished he could help her with whatever was going with Tohru. However, he just had no idea what it is…

A flash of lighting has brighten his room, bringing him out of his thoughts. In next seconds, with the help of his cat senses, boy heard a crash of metal against the wood and slight thud on the ground.

Kyo quickly sat up on the floor and listened another rumble coming. He rushed to the window, ignoring headache and perked his head out of it. Slim figure in familiar blue pajamas supporting herself against the house. He called in the dark:

-Tohru?

-Ah, Kyo this is you. Sorry, for making the noise, -Tohru gave him a smile but at the action she winced and it looked more like grimace.

Kyo looked her over. Tohru’s face covered in dirt and he could see some bruises forming. Although the look of her body, has got the boy worrying. Tohru’s hands, sleeves of her shirt and legs were in the real bad shape. Hands and sleeves are dirty and on the wrist glistered a tiny blood spot. Kyo looked on her legs and winced. The pants were completely ruined. Giant gashes of dirt with blood spots and torn open knees. He couldn’t understand how is Tohru even got herself upright.

A decision has made in Kyo’s head in less than a second. He stood on the sill and jumped out of the window. Tohru watched him with wide eyes as the boy softly landed on his knees.

-I-its…the second…floor, -she pointed at Kyo with her finger and back to his window.

-Benefit of the Cat Spirit, I suppose, -he approached Tohru and slightly bumped her head with his knuckles. She smiled at the affection. Kyo looked at the ladder hanging from the branch. –Has your leg slipped?

-Ah? No! No-no-no, -Tohru stammered and waved her hands at him. –I was careful! I just…um, -she avoided Kyo’s eyes. –I looked at the sky when lighting shined and, eh, - Drop of water fell on Tohru’s nose and she looked up meeting Kyo’s pale face. Cold sweat appeared on his forehead. Eyes looks at her with half-lidded look. More water drops fell on girl’s face. Rain has started. –I’ve probably lost the balance and almost hit the tree, so I had to take off before the crash...

Tohru’s words barely made to Kyo’s ears. His head started to spin and his breathing become heavier as rain started to gain force.

-…Sorry, for giving you so much trouble. This weather is especially uncomfortable for you and, ah, you still came to check if I’m okay. You shouldn’t have bothering yourself; I’m not worthy for such car-Eh? – Tohru lost her track of words. Suddenly, Kyo’s head landed on her shoulder.

Tohru checked him out: his eyes has closed, chest was heavenly rising and falling with every panting breath. She swallowed her surprise and held out her good hand. Tohru risked running her hand lightly over Kyo’s hair.

-Kyo?

-I’m fine, -Kyo slowly lifted his head from her shoulder and looked at Tohru through half lidded eyes. –Now I am the one giving you trouble.

-Can you walk?

-I should ask you that question.

Tohru snorted at the comment. Kyo smirked at her and held out his arm. The girl hesitated for a moment, and then took it and they both limped to main room.

                                                        *    *     *

Kyo and Tohru stepped into dark room. Tohru has stumbled upon something and started to fall, when Kyo catch her by shoulder at the last moment.

-Ah, thank you, Ky- girl turned her head to him and gulped. Their faces were so close that the pair could feel each other’s breath. Tohru had a thought what there is must be only inches between them, to prevent Kyo from transforming. Her cheeks turned red. Intense look of orange eyes glowed in the dark.

Kyo sharply turned his face away from Tohru to hide his blush. He scanned room with his cat like eyes. Boy found a spot near the table and took Tohru there. He sat her down and went to turn the light.

-Why is it so dark in here? -Tohru whispered. – Usually, Shigure is up most time of the night.

-That means, that the dog isn’t home, -Kyo answered in full voice. He turned light in main room and corridor. Boy walked back to room. –He is probably in the main estate tonight. What about the rat?

-Ah, -Kyo approached Tohru and helped her to stand up. -Yuki said he will going to bed early. He must deal with the Council's business in the morning, -Kyo was leading her far in the corridor. –Um, Kyo where are we going?

-To the bathroom, silly, -he glanced at her over his shoulder. –We need to wash your wounds first and if you haven’t noticed, yet, we are soaking wet.

Tohru looked down. Water from her long hair dropped to the floor. If her pajama could repaired before, now it was completely ruined. The mud has mixed with blood and water, so now it was impossible to wash it out. Wet material stuck to Tohru’s body.

She turned her eyes to the boy, who stopped in the front of bathroom door. Kyo’s cloths were in better shape. The clothes were clinging to his skin and dripping with water. Tohru couldn’t look away from the spot of his back. Wet shirt outlined the muscles on his body very clearly. The girl tilted her head to the side. Does Kyo’s shoulders always was this broad?

-Tohru, -his voice brought her back out of thoughts. –Sit, on edge of the tub and um, -Kyo’s gaze followed her as Tohru did as he said. A blush find a way on his cheeks. He stammered. –Y-you-you need to take of your pajama pants. –Tohru blushed too and looked at him with wide eyes. –T-they are already ruined and we h-have to clean you a-abrasions properly…

-Oh, -Tohru got the point and looked on her pants and shirt as well. –Um, I’m afraid, all of this is ruined, eh, can you, -the pair shared a look. –Go upstairs into my room, and bring another shirt? –Kyo’s eyes widened. Tohru waved her arms at him. –I-its in the t-top drawer right under my-my mother's picture. The f-first one. D-don’t you worry, -she started to laugh nervously. –Aha-ha, it’s l-long e-enough to…y-you know…hehe…

-Okay, understood, -Kyo stopped her chatter. –I was going to take aid kit anyway, so...- he averted her gaze. – I’ll be quick.

Boy rushed to the staircase. He took two stairs in time. Kyo walked in Tohru’s room and reached her drawer. He opened the top shelf as he told to. The boy picked up the first shirt and straightened it. It was a t-shirt of bright orange color. Kyo measured the t-shirt with his eyes and estimated that it would be just above Tohru’s knee. The boy thought to himself, usually she goes around house in much shorter clothing. Kyo shook away these thoughts and headed back to the bathroom.

-Tohru? –he stand near the door, waiting for response.

-Yes?

-I will throw the shirt to you.

-Oh, okay.

Kyo stuck his hand through the doorway and hurled it in the direction of the tub. He heard Tohru catch the t-shirt, and then he heard loud squeak and thud.

-You fell into the tub? –Kyo rolled his eyes.

-I fell into the tub…I didn’t hit anything! –she quickly added. –Just give a minute, I’ll put it on.

While Tohru dressed herself, Kyo stormed to the dining room. He opened the sideboard. Few minutes he was searching in it. Last one who used the kit was Shigure and who knew where is exactly he put it again. Finally, Kyo found white box. Boy took out first aid kit, and returned to the bathroom.

Tohru sat on edge of the tub and observed at her wounds. Just as Kyo thought, the shirt barely reached her knees and it was at least two sizes bigger than she was. Tohru’s thin arms peeked from oversized sleeves. Her left hand was clutching the edge of tub, whilst the other was trying to wipe her head with towel. The water from the rain made Tohru’s hair curl and some drops of it was falling on her shirt and down her pale slender legs. A tiny flower bloomed in the full grace…

Another time in the night, Kyo shook away such thoughts and focused on her injuries. In two steps, he crossed the room and kneeled in front of her. The boy frowned as he switched looks from one abrasion on her knee to the other. Suddenly, he got up from his knees and went to the towel rack. Kyo took one and moved to the water tap. He turned the water on.

-We need to wash area around them first, to prevent from infection. –Kyo grimaced as he watered towel. Another shot of head spin came in. He also remembered, the boy didn’t do anything to dry himself from the rain and water still actively was dripping from his hair and cloths. Kyo came up back to Tohru with towel in his hands. He kneeled again and began cautiously wash dirt around her abrasions. The girl in front of him bit her lip at the stinging of pain.

-Endure, Tohru, -Kyo blew on the bruise and continued to wash it out. A few minutes has passed, when he got up and sat on edge by Tohru’s side. Boy held out his hand. –Give me your wrist.

Tohru switched the towel she held into other hand and gave him her right palm. Kyo took it and began to wipe it gently. Water was dropping from his hair down on her arm, cooling Tohru’s skin. She watched him in trance, until he lifted his head.

-Alright. We are finished with clearing injuries; -Kyo looked Tohru in the face. –Now we have to deal with your—He didn’t have a chance to finish as white material covered his face. Tohru covered Kyo’s head with a towel and began to dry it.

-Y-you, -the girl murmured. –You will get sick, if you won’t dry yourself, properly. And, um…-orange eyes stared into her brown ones through the towel. Tohru, suddenly, got interested in rack. –You should change out of you-your shirt and soon. Kyo, you were rushing around the house in w-wet clothing, s-so…If you won’t take it off soon, you will for su…

Tohru didn’t have a chance to finish her sentence. As she was talking, Kyo pulled his shirt over his head and threw it to side. Tohru watched him stunned as he pried towel from her hands. Boy quickly whipped his body and hanged it over his shoulders. Not losing the focus on his task, Kyo took her good wrist and wiped the dirt there. Then boy brought cloth to Tohru’s face and slowly washed it.  

It turns out that her face wasn't as bruised as he thought. While Kyo was washing the dirt, he noticed only a small scratch on Tohru’s right cheek.

When Kyo has finished, the rain began to fall harder and drum heavily on the window. In the moment Kyo wanted to get up for aid kit, his vision begin to blurry slightly and his head nestled a place on Tohru’s shoulder, again. Only this time the girl didn’t rise any panic. Even as her face was calm and she smiled softly, yet her voice has given away some kind of sadness.

-Kyo, -Tohru murmured. –If you are not feeling well, you don’t have to force yourself to help me with my wounds. Still, it's my fault, and you don’t feel yourself good. I just...not worth such the effort and…such attention from you. I think, -she let out a sigh. –I didn’t do anything special to deserve care of other people.

In moments of weakness like this, Tohru constantly reminded of the bad things that ever had happened to her. When she thought about her future, girl always imagined her mother being here, encourage her. But…Kyoko Honda is no longer in this world. Now, Tohru was walking into it alone.

After graduation, she must move out of Soma house and probably never see anyone of them again. One of her closest friends won’t even see light again. When people close to Tohru have troubles, with which she just can’t help it, she still trying to meddle. Soon, she realizing she can’t do anything. Tohru feels yourself useless…Alone and useless…

-Tohru, -Kyo let out a sharp breath and raised his face. –As cheesy as it may sound but…you are worth not only this kind of effort, but of care, attention, love and many other things. –Kyo slowly got up and took the aid kid. Tohru followed him with her gaze as he squatted on the floor before her. Boy took the bottle with peroxide, in the moment he poured liquid on cotton he went on.

–I mean, the person’s worth depends on his actions, both good and bad. You do a lot for other people. You help them when they are hurt physically or tired of everything mentally as in the case of Rin. –Kyo pressed cotton on Tohru knee. She winced in pain.

-Whether you do it selflessly or out of selfishness, it doesn't matter. But if you help people not because they want to and because you want to and all the problems are resolved in the end, it's not so bad, -he pressed cotton to another knee. Kyo hadn’t really thought about what he was saying. The words just flowed from him like a river. The things that she just have to know.

–That’s just the person you are, Tohru. You help people without asking for anything in return. This is your worth, thanks to which you will never be alone. –Kyo got up and sat by Tohru’s side. He took her wrist and began treat abrasion there. His monolog hasn’t stopped for a second. The girl listened him with mouth open.

-All the people that you helped once are with you now and they are not going anywhere, because they see worth in you and your opinion, -Kyo looked at her wrist and half-smiled. How much of egoist he is, saying such a words. -You know, sometimes it doesn't hurt to be a little selfish. If you were, you would thought a little about what would happen to you before you jumped two meters off a ladder, and you wouldn’t hope to revive your pajama.

Kyo heard her snort and seconds later, Tohru choked on sob. Boy lifted his head and looked at her face. Tears were sliding down her cheeks, her eyes becoming red and Tohru tried to cover her face with a hand. She peeked at Kyo through her fingers.

-Oh, em, um, sorry, uh, -he started to stammer. –Did I pressed too much? Is it hurt? Or…damn, I don’t even know. I’m sorry, Tohru…

-Oh, no, no, -Tohru stopped him on the track. She held her arms in front of her trying to assure him. –You didn’t do anything wrong…Yes, is stung a little, but the pain was bearable. You don’t have to worry. It’s just…-the girl lowered her hands and took Kyo’s hand. A bright red blush appeared on his face. It was on hers as well, but she didn’t mind it right now. Tohru spoke softly while Kyo used his other hand to treat the wound on her cheek.

–It’s about your words. In recent time, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things and, um…Those things and feelings made me feel lonely. Because there is some things, with which I just can’t help and it was making me useless. I’ve become questioning what am I capable of or capable at all. W-what is my worth?  Now I know the answer. Kyo, you said exact the words that I wanted to hear, thank you. –Tohru smiled at him as he watched her wide eyed.  

“They are not going anywhere…”

Over and over, the words repeated in Tohru’s mind. They are both knew what was waiting Kyo after graduation. But he didn’t know what Tohru knows about confinement. He is going to be locked for the rest of his life. There is no chance for all of them being together…together, always…

Emotions overflowed the girl and she couldn’t hold back new wave of tears. As Kyo’s shock passed and he saw what Tohru hasn’t calmed, he made a very risking decision.

He held out his hand and tangled it in her hair, reaching for the back of Tohru’s head. Kyo pulled her to his body. Girl’s face was in crook of his neck. Her arms find their place on his bare chest. There was enough space to prevent Kyo from transforming into cat. Also enough to enjoy that comforting warmth of each other, what they both needed.

-K-Kyo…-Tohru mumbled into his shoulder.

-Do you feel uncomfortable? –he whispered hoarsely.

-N-no. No. –she breathed on his scent. Kyo smelled of rain. –Not at all…

They sat in silence for a while. Just when Kyo remembered, what the abrasions needed to be wrap in bandage, Tohru spoke quietly.

-But what if…-girl broke her head from his shoulder. Her hands still on Kyo’ chest. –What if the person I helped once, -Tohru slowly moved her hand down and rest it over his heart. She took a glance on his face. Kyo’s mouth fell agape slightly. His eyes were burning her with bright orange fire. Tohru is not ready to part with that fire. Yet. –just can’t stay by my side?

-In that case, -Kyo muttered under his breath. Once she began asking, his heart was pounding like a crazy. He could swear, she feel it. Boy covered Tohru’s hand with his. –You have to stay with them as long as you can…Right by their side. Just…stay a little longer…

A loud crack of thunder and lighting made both of them jump. Kyo has slipped down on the floor.

-Shit!

-K-Kyo! Are you okay?

-Yeah, -the boy groaned. –I was about to get bandage, anyway.

He kneeled down and started to rummage in aid kit. When Kyo found what he wanted, he turned to Tohru.

-Um, -she tilted her head. –Do you really need to wrap them? I heard, what is enough just treat abrasions with antiseptic liquids.

-Usually, it is, -Kyo unwound some of the material and began wrapping it around Tohru’s knee. –But, I guess, you will go to bed after we finish with this, right? –He gave her a quick glance. –And trust me; you don’t want to tore away a blanket from your legs in the morning. It hurt like hell.

-Are you telling me this from your own experience? –Tohru smirked as Kyo wrapped bandage on her other knee.

-Yeah…Those abrasions was smaller than yours is. I was little back then and trained with Haru. Accidently, I said something that awake Black Haru. I won, but still he beat me up and dragged me through the grass for about ten meters, until I said that I felt something warm on my legs. Haru saw that I’ve been hurt and quickly returned to his old self. I didn’t want Shisho to know about that. –Kyo took her wrist.

–So I just treat injuries as best as I could and covered it with clothes. They didn’t cling to material and I thought everything is fine. When I woke in the morning…I got up from the bed and walked a few steps, the blanket was hanging on my legs and followed me like bride’s veil.

Kyo finished with bandages and helped Tohru to get up. He held out his hands to her and she took it.

-Shisho didn’t scold me for that. Still, he told me not to hide things like that from him and taught me how to treat some sorts of injuries.

                                                         *    *    *

The pair made their way out of the bathroom. Another rumble of thunder shook the house. Light in the corridor blinked, before completely go out. For a moment pair glued in the place, trying to adjust to the darkness.

Then, Tohru felt Kyo’s hand slipping out of hers. Boy fell on his knees, heavily panting.

-K-Kyo? – Tohru crouched down by his side.

-I’m fine, -Kyo respired and squeezed his eyes. –It’s just…Supposedly, I am the one helping you walk to your room, not otherwise.

Tohru helped him to rise and they kept walking to the second floor. She was lipping much better, when before, but they still was moving very slow up the stairs.      

Finally, they managed to reach Tohru’s room. Kyo released her hand.

-Well, -boy scratched the back of his head, -I think, you can get to bed on your own, so…

-Kyo, -girl looked up at him. –Are you sure everything is okay?

-I’m sure, -he smiled and turned to his door. –Goodnight, Tohru.

-Goodnight, -she done the same.

As soon, as door into Kyo’s room closed, he flopped down on his futon and groaned.

“So that is the thing she was thinking about so much…Tohru really thinks of yourself as useless? But why? What is problem what she just can’t help with?

Maybe…No, that’s impossible… Who could possibly said about his confinement?

The rat?

Shisho?

She started acting strange since they’ve been on beach…Akito, perhaps?”

Many questions without answers, which slowly drifted Kyo to sleep.

In the same time, in the opposite room the girl sat on the bed with a sad look looking out the window. It was dark outside and raindrops were slowly rolling down the window.

“Stay with them as long as you can…”

“Kyo…Does this mean what you’ve gave up?”- Tohru clenched her fist. –“I’m sorry, but I just can’t live with it. Forgive me for meddling in your problems…Anyway, I won’t give up on you!”

Together, always…

[anastasiaskarsgard]

Link to my masterlist for earlier chapters or other stuff I've written

His Queen

Part 3

Bri ripped open the letter, amazed it was handwritten and in cursive! Knowing Roman, he had an assistant write it, but she felt a warmth in her chest knowing he’d truly loved her all along.

To My Queen, Briana Godfrey,

(Admit it! That sounds way better than Tucker, have the lawyers change it.)

Oh, and before I get into it, I wrote this myself. No assistants, so fuck you for thinking it.

Bri smiled a sad smile at how they still knew how the other thought.

I have to start off by saying thank you for reading this letter. That means you're at the white tower. I don't deserve you. I've turned into everything I never wanted to become. Everything you made me believe I could escape. You are the light to my darkness and I'm so sorry I disappointed you. I don’t have a lot of time, but I needed a plan in case I fail. You’re the only person I trust with my company, my money, my daughter, my legacy, my heart, all of it. I am an absolute crack head level blood addict, and I couldn’t trust myself when we got overly emotional to keep my head. Because I love you so much, you can make me so upset, and That last fight we got into, I scared myself. I don’t blame you for slapping me, but to hold back from returning the blow, I literally broke my own hand... but this is not what this letter is about.

Peter and my sick half-sister Annie have stolen my daughter. Peter is hell-bent on destroying me because he killed Destiny's trash fiance, and lied about it, so she blamed me and attacked me and I hurt her bad enough to foresee issues with peter, so I broke her neck to avoid problems figuring it was showing her some mercy since she was heartbroken. Annie was there and when I refused to carry on an incestuous relationship with her, she turned on me and told Peter about Destiny. So he came after me and fucking shot me, we fought and I won, but didn't cut his head off so I knew he’d be fine. Well, he calls me and has my kid and won't turn her over, and says he's going to kill me so even though I doubt it, Nadia needs someone to raise her, and if I'm killed it's not my whore of a sister Annie. I need you to find Nadia and take her home and raise her as she deserves. She’s such a sweet baby and she adores you.

Find Shelley and she can help you maybe. She’s in love with this weird old poet and chooses to live at the old steel mill. Calls it Rooster Poop. Can’t make this shit up.

The entire security team is trying to find Nadia, so contact them and see where they’re at with it.

you are the love of my life and I refused to ever say so, even though we both knew it was true. I would bullshit and say it’s cuz I was saving you from myself, but I’m not that fucking noble. You scared me more than anything ever scared me in my life. God, it's great to admit I love you. Like I need to make up a new word for how I feel for you cuz love isn’t strong enough.

there’s a pretty poem I saw that reminded me of you;

I’d still choose you.

In a hundred lifetimes,

in a hundred worlds,

in any version of reality,

I’d find you and I’d choose you.

Even though I knew you were going to break my heart again and again.

I’d still choose you.

It’s crazy how happy I am writing you a letter, even with every aspect of my life in shambles, you’re my light.

You get everything. Fuck all of them. You were right about everything. If I survive this shit, I am winning you back if it takes 100 years and I have to spend every cent. This is literally a reset.

I tried to forget your baby girl but I never could. No amount of drugs, money, blood, or bullshit could ever distract me from the constant ache in my heart for only you. You’re the only pussy I ever wanna see again. I ran thru a fantastic amount of pussy after you left and none of them made me forget you for even a moment. I pictured you or I could not get off. It was pathetic. I hope I get to see you again and rip up this fucking letter.

I looked back over this and there’s a reason I have other people write shit up for me. A few requests to seriously consider:

-->Blitzky should take over for Pryce. Not only is he a genius, he's a good guy. He's a bit soft, so you may have to be the bad guy.

-->Get a new nanny. The current one looks good on paper but she's an idiot.

--> Live in the white tower. It's secure and safe and you can make as many floors as you like home.

--> if an animal killed me, it's Peter and he's still a wolf. He’ll be white. Kill him, cut off his head and burn him up in the incinerator.

--> if Annie comes around at all, kill her. She's very manupulative and acts religious and nice. She's crazy and not to be trusted.

-->try and convince Shelley to live in the mansion and have her little homeless community there. She doesn't care about money but she cares about people, so offer it as a safe haven. Make sure it stays stocked in necessities like toilet paper, soap, cleaning materials, etc and write it all off as a charity contribution. Make the whole endeavor a big tax write off, but don't tell Shelley that part. Just tell her it was my dying wish she had a home.

--> the loser she's with has legal problems. Have the legal department solve them so he's got no reason to desert her.

-->if Peters mom comes sniffing around, don't tell her a damn thing. I doubt she will tho, she's a wanted fugitive.

--> don't trust any gypsies.

--> Nadia is very intelligent. She can read minds, influence dreams, and kill anyone or anything just by looking at them. She's dangerous and shouldn't be allowed around animals or people until she can understand the concept of death and consequences. There's no way to control her, I have found.

--> I promised a homeless man I ate that id pay for his sons school. Anonymously pay for Mathew Shandwicks classes, books and dorm at Penn State for all 4 years. His father traded his life without a single complaint so it's imperative you keep my word.

-->make sure Nadia isn't a spoiled brat like me. Teach her about her mother and her father and all the good things about us. Leave out we were related if you can swing it. Just say we were young and loved each other very much. I enclosed a pack of photos of me and Letha for her.

I wonder what you’re wearing... That reminds me; if I’m really dead, you have to be in mourning at least two years. That means all black suits and dresses that cover you up, black nails, big black hats like you just left a Catalina Yacht Mixer or you’re going to a royal wedding. I even got you black lab coats just in case.Don’t half ass this. It’s important.

Also I want “Fuck you” by the Archives played at my funeral, if it comes to that.

Hopefully, you never see this letter because I got everything fixed here, and went and found you and you ran into my arms and we lived happily ever after, and I have a whole lifetime with you... But just in case...

All my love,

Roman Godfrey

P.s. - since you're a genius, hopefully you can fix me or bring me back. I hope you still love me even 10% as much as I love you, because then nothing can stop us.

Brianna stared at the page as her tears fell on it swirling the ink in designs and spirals. She knew he’d always loved her, but it was bittersweet seeing him finally admit it. She took the photos out of the envelope and looked through them.

Looking through the pictures was heart-wrenching. There had to be a way to fix all this! She tried to remember everything she’d learned about Upirs from that dreadful Russian women and Pryce. Luckily they’d been a bit of an obsession for her that she delved into when Roman pulled his shit. Being obsessed with Upirs had distracted her from obsessing over the real issue.

Just as she started to wonder when Mueller and Edwards would be back, as if by magic, the elevator doors opened. They had brought Dr. Blitzkey with them as well.

“Oh my gosh! You’re alive! I’m so happy to see you’re ok and still here!” Bri said as she ran up and embraced Blitzky. “Where is Roman? I need to see him.”

Blitzky looked at the ground nervously before meeting your eyes. “It’s not fixable.”

“No matter. I just NEED to see him. Please?” She begged.

“Okay. He has several severe traumatic injuries so please prepare yourself for that.”

“What happened to him?”

“Some Type of animal attacked him in the old mansion and pushed him out the upper story window, fracturing his spine and neck which most likely left him paralyzed and vulnerable. His throat and heart were then ripped out.”

“Peter.” Bri said darkly. He was going to pay for his betrayal. She would make sure of that.

“I mean that’s the most logical conclusion but after all Roman did for that little degenerate, ” Blitzky muttered.

Bri nodded solemnly.

“Hate to interrupt your happy little party but we have several forms that need immediate attention, to get this shit show back on the road,” Edwards interjected.

“They’ll have to wait till after I see Roman. You lead the way Blitzkey, you two stay here.” She said firmly stepping into the elevator with the doctor. Both lawyers looked furious but did as they were told since they were honestly intimidated by this young woman that had all this piled on her, and seemed unfazed.

As soon as the doors closed she sank to her knees and screamed. The tears came flooding out of her eyes as her body was wracked by sobs. It’s like she’d been hit by a truck. The realization that Roman was really gone finally sinking in.

Blitzky didn’t know what he should do. He was a genius, but completely clueless when it came to social and interpersonal skills. He hesitantly patted Bri on the head like a golden retriever, unsure how long was comforting so he just kept doing it. “You’re strong.”

Bri glanced up at Blitzky through her foggy tears and couldn't help but agree. She WAS strong.

The elevator opened to their floor as she looked down at the floor.

“Well” Blitzkey peeped, unsure of what to do, “this is it.”

“We have to fix him Blitzkey. There’s got to be a way.” she said rising to her feet, as if the little display he just witnessed never happened.

“You’re the boss.” Blitzky said as cheerful as he could muster.

“I’m giving you Pryce’s position. I trust you.”

“Thank you! I wasn't sure if maybe you'd want to take charge.... What will you do? Take over for Roman?”

“Until I can bring him back, I guess I’ll have to. I will bring him back Blitzkey.... If I have to make a deal with the Devil himself.” Bri stated adamantly before setting off down the hall like a woman possessed.

[pandamilo]

Fanboy Yuri

#29 You could have warned me

@outoffcks gave me like a prompt spam so this is one of three that i’ll be posting over the next few days. Have some nerdy Otayuri fanboy fluff for your Saturday night <3

***

Yuri Plisetsky was many things.

He was a dancer, primarily in ballet but he dabbled in many different forms. Yuri was a cat lover, a good cook, a homeowner (well he owned a studio apartment but still), a barista at some indy/hipster coffee shop his uncle Viktor owned. He was a gamer and played competitively with his uncle’s husband, Yuuri, any chance he could and they usually won.

All these things and many more were parts of Yuri that people knew. They knew he was tall, lean, blonde with green cat-like eyes and he had the body of a dancer.

They knew he was snippy, sassy, loud and very opinionated, things always had to go his way.

But what people didn't know, was that Yuri was a fanboy.

Well, not entirely true - he went to figure skating competitions and blatantly showed his adoration for a particular skater but no one knew how deep it ran...

Yuri wrote fanfic’s and draw smutty art and rambled essay-length text posts on his tumblr about his favourite figure skater. Yuri had been a fan of Otabek Altin’s since he first debuted in Juniors - he wasn't like the other skaters. Otabek was stoic, rigid and defined in a way many others weren't.

Yuri has been following figure skating since he was a child because Viktor used to skate but suffered an injury just before his debut into seniors but it worked out best for him because it’s how he met his husband - Yuuri was the support sports nurse on call for the local rink.

They have been annoyingly inseparable ever since.

The first time Otabek had appeared in Yuri’s world he was shocked, the boy was angry looking but also soft. He moved, not like a dancer but a man on a mission. He was beautiful but not in the same way skater’s normally were. He wasn’t fluid like them but he also wasn’t stilted. He was utterly unique and fascinated Yuri to no end.

That’s how it all started, innocent enough, just following his skating… then his interviews… then his hobbies… likes… dislikes, any information that made Yuri feel like he already knew the man he had a soul (and dick for that matter) crush on.

He hadn't really set out to write fanfiction, Yuri was just scrolling through his tumblr and saw someone had made a post shit-post dishing Otabek’s skating and Yuri had defending him. He created a post that justified Otabek’s skating, music and movement choices, debunking every word the other idiot had said. This, of course, just made the idiot retort with some contrite comment about Yuri’s obvious desperate plea to get in Otabek’s pants.

Now this wasn't something Yuri could actually deny, the man was a fucking sex god who dripped sexiness by simply breathing.

So Yuri did the only reasonable thing and wrote a smutty story of all the ways he’d take Otabek’s arse, all the ways he’d let that beautifully hung sex-god fuck him till morning.

That was the beginning...

Twenty fic’s ranging from detailed descriptions of sucking Otabek’s cock to fluffy little things they would say while laying in bed together and talking about the big questions in life, Yuri wrote it all.

Yuri even came up with their ship name - Otayuri, he was quite proud of himself. And people even seemed to like it. They thought he and Otabek made a cute couple (based of Yuri’s on rough sketches of what they would look like together) and they loved his shit-drabbles, apparently he wrote good smut and people started requesting him to write other things.

This is how Yuri’s other life began.

He started to pick up a kind of following, many people respected his opinion on anything Otabek and on other things as well.

Yuri wrote and drew for people he didn't know, about all kinds of topics, anime, films, movie stars. It ranged from simple sweet things to the dirtiest kinks he didn't even think were a turn on but people started paying him for them. Either in real money or gifts of other things, it was a world he never knew he needed.

But his other life and real world came crashing down in a brutal tidal wave one day when he received a text from Viktor to come into work as soon as possible.

Yuri arrived, his hair in a braid and twisted around his head, his black polo already slightly dirty since he hadn’t been able to wash it. His black skinny jeans hanging a little too low to be suitable for work but once he started he’d be wearing an apron so it wouldn’t matter. But just as Yuri was walking around the main floor he stopped, there was a voice, gravelly and unmistakable.

Yuri didn’t look, he couldn’t look. He also couldn’t deny that just hearing that voice in person was giving him a partial.

What the fuck is he doing here?!

Yuri was panicking, he sprinted out the back to the staff room and nearly bold over his uncle’s husband. “Yuuri-kun! You could have warned me! Holy shit, what the fuck is he doing here!”

“Yura-kun, calm down, deep breaths. I’m sorry, I didn’t know he was here until about a minute ago, Vitya seemed so pleased with himself and it took going on the floor to find out why.”

Yuri had been interested in Japanese when he first met Yuuri and asked him to teach him some things and that began their close relationship, there was only actually four years difference between them. After a long, long, argument about the fact that never in a million fucking years was Yuri ever going to call him senpai, they had come to the conclusion they would add -kun to both their names as sign they were on the same level, despite their age gap.

“I’m gonna kill him.” Yuri growled out between his teeth, going to step around Yuuri and burst into Viktor’s office, it wouldn’t be the first time it happened.

“Why? I thought you would at least be kind of excited. Go introduce yourself, he seemed friendly enough, he even remembered Vitya.”

Yuri turned to look at Yuuri, there was no way he could talk to that man… not after everything. He would either turn into a gooey mess or be so hard he wouldn’t be able to hide it.

But this might be your only chance to actually meet him in person.

Yuri was torn, he wanted to run but he honestly couldn’t decide in which direction.

“Yura-kun?” Yuuri questioned, tilting his head to look properly into Yuuri’s face.

“What if he’s awful? After all this time... what if he just turns out to be another one of those self-absorbed, ego-stuffed skater’s who think they are better than everyone else just because they have a gold fucking medals?” Yuri’s voice was small, irritated and he was staring at his own hands wound into fists in front of him.

“Do you honestly believe that?” Yuuri’s voice was kind, just like always. Never judgemental, just a nudge in the right direction, a clarification.

No, I don’t believe it.

Yuri didn’t bother to reply, simply turned on the spot and ditched his things in his locker, tying his apron, checking himself in the mirror… five times, before he was out on the floor. He didn’t go up to the table straight away, simply fixed up the counter, served a few customers and made some coffees. It was only when he heard the very distinct laughter of his uncle that he let himself drift over to the table.

There were five people sat there, six if you included Viktor, all figure skater’s that Yuri recognised instantly. There was Jean-Jacques Leroy and his wife (who wasn’t actually a figure skater but she basically lived under JJ’s arm so she might as well have been on the ice with him), Guang Hong Ji, Leo de la Iglesia and the one and only, Otabek Altin.

Now or never.

“Hi, I’m Yuri, is there anything else I can get for you today?” Yuri tried to be polite and smile but his eyes were almost exclusively fixed onto Otabek’s face and when those eyes flickered up to look at him curiously, Yuri almost choked.

They were warm, inviting and kind, Otabek smiled at him as his mouth fell open into a gap like an idiot but he couldn’t seem to stop it.

“YURI! This is my other Yuri! He is my nephew, he is a big fan of figure skating, especially you. Otabek.”

Yuri was going to kill him, headlines tomorrow will read Man arrested today for impaling his uncle with a cake server.

“Oh, you follow my skating? Shame I didn’t have a better session for you-”

“That wasn’t your fault, you were unfairly judged because of that new competitor’s trickery.He was all smoke and mirrors with stupid music, he isn’t actually a good skater at all, he is utterly boring, you should have won gold, not him...” The words were tumbling out of Yuri’s mouth of their own accord and there was nothing he could do to stop them now. “Sorry.” Yuri mumbled at the end, he knew his face was actually on fire at this point as six pairs of eyes examined him for a good thirty seconds of utter silence.

Send help. Someone please save me from this agonizingly slow, death.

“Thank you.” Otabek broke the silence and Yuri’s head whipped up to meet his gaze, he seemed so genuine and shocked, his eyes flickered over Yuri’s body again before coming back up to meet his eyes once more. It was as if everyone else melted away and it was just the two of them.

“Yeah, well… no need to thank me, it’s just the truth.” Yuri couldn’t take it anymore and bolted, pretending he needed to help Yuuri with a customer even though there was only actually two coffee’s to make.

They stayed a little longer, chatting with Viktor and Yuri took a few chances to flick his eyes over to the table only to nearly drop what he was carrying everytime as he was met with Otabek’s piercing stare.

Yep, it’s offical. I am so dead.

When they were getting up to leave Otabek broke away from the counter, and stopped in front of Yuri.

“I wanted to give you your tip personally.” Otabek’s voice grumbled in Yuri’s ears as he stared at him, offering his hand, palm up and slightly shaking. Yuri couldn’t speak, what the hell was he meant to say if he did.

Otabek smiled at him as he placed something light in his hand, running his fingers lightly over Yuri’s wrist and palm as he slowly retracted his hand.

“It was nice to finally meet you, Yuri, I hope we get a chance to get to know one another better.” Otabek smirked a little before turning on the spot and briskly walking away as Yuri’s eyes flickered down to the note in his hand.

Call me - Otayuri

[theapril]

NFL Says Just Play the Stupid 2016 Pro Bowl on Madden

January 29, 2016 – Canton, Ohio – On the heels of the most declined invitations in Pro Bowl history, NFL Czar Roger Goodell has resigned to “Just play the damn thing on Madden.”

If there are two things that Roger Goodell, Majesty of the National Football League is known for, it is thinking outside the box, and his never ending wish to just make people happy. Since his coronation as the undisputed Caliph of American football in 2006, Goodell has racked his brain and stayed up many a late night, just to provide fresh and innovative ideas for our favorite autumn pastime– but never for his own designs, only in an everlasting and interminable effort to spread joy, and please every single person on the planet. In fact, there is probably no NFL player or fan, alive or dead, who would not describe Shah Roger Goodell as an eleemosynary emperor. The very same Roger Goodell who, in an effort to appease each and every individual on our blue globe that makes up the proverbial masses, came up with the deviceful notions of eliminating kickoffs, sticking a team in England, changing the decades long tradition of where the extra point kick is spotted, and making the NFL game an Olympic sport – all to the delight and gratitude of his myriad of allegiant and devoted buffs. Ask anyone ever drafted by an NFL franchise, and they’ll tell you with a starry gleam in their eye, that Imperator Goodell is the axiomatic salt of the earth, whose Draft Day hugs are long, deep, upright and ingenuous.

So it should come as no surprise that, in the wake of the record shattering number of honored professional football players dropping out of the once eminent NFL Pro Bowl, the benevolent and chivalrous gridiron potentate has finally reached his wit’s end in his relentless effort to please both fans and players alike, has thrown up his noble hands in perplexity and stupefaction, while coming to the stomach-sickening conclusion that on this proposition there just is no pleasing everyone, and has arduously decreed, “Just play the damn game on Madden.”

Sadly, the numbers are indeed staggering. Each squad is supposed to field 44 men, meaning, if every venerated player were to participate in the fantastic and illustrious all-star gala that is the NFL Pro Bowl, there would be a grand total of 88 athletes invited. This year, 133 players were given distinguished invitations, which adds up to 45 replacements– thanks to the rejected invitations of self-centered, egomaniacal and ungrateful superjocks- the most in Pro Bowl history. Many of whom, according to Maharajah Roger, “Don’t even have good excuses.” Wistfully, unlike the fourteen players from the Panthers and Broncos who will be participating in Super Bowl 50, many of those who declined are just soporific boors who simply don’t want to play. Philip Rivers declined because “It’s a school week for his family, and he and wife Tiffany welcomed their sixth daughter and eighth child in October,” wrote the San Diego Union-Tribune. Brandon Marshall said the dog ate his plane tickets. Even Packers coach Mike McCarthy declined to participate due to a “stomach illness”. Not to mention, seven players were selected from the Patriots, King Goodell’s most cherished franchise, and yet all seven declined his generous summons to play in the celebrious NFL merrymaking. Is it any wonder then that the despondent yet magnificent pigskin pasha brandished two clenched fists in the air to proclaim his frustration, then weightily threw in the towel and pronounced “Fine. Let the babies have their way.”

To make matters worse, though it’s been thoroughly documented that Baron Goodell tried to rid the league of it’s All Star Game once before, the bounteous magistrate says nothing but being a giving fairy godparent to his legions of NFL devotees has ever entered his mind. “I would never try to eliminate this treasured showdown of hippodrome leviathans of my own volition” affirms the tenderhearted NFL monarch, “It’s only because of these selfish, unappreciative, thoughtless blockheads, who only look out for number one, that I have reached this decision. I actually had a lot of good ideas to make the game more exciting. People call the Pro Bowl a ‘pillow fight’ because of the relaxed rules to prevent injury. Well, what if we had the Pro Bowl cheerleaders have pillow fights? That would be entertaining. What if we did a thing at halftime, where, instead of a charity car wash, we actually soap up and hose down that unshowered guy from the FanDuel commercials? I even thought about putting actual pots of gold doubloons at the end of one of those famous Hawaiian rainbows we’re always hearing about, or having players with goofy names like Babe Laufenberg or Cory Lekkerkerker captain the teams instead of Deion and Michael Irvin. But no one wants to play, so we won’t. We’ll play the game with the same players, but on Madden instead, and maybe we’ll just show it on the jumbo-vision inside Aloha Stadium. I guess we could have the real players log in from their X-box over the Internet, and we could show them in their pajamas inside their living rooms, with corn chip crumbs all over their nightshirts. Maybe Doritos will even sponsor it or something. I’m just so high from all the Pepto Bismol, it’s difficult to think of everything right now.”

[chaoticconnoisseurgiver]

The problem really lies how they showed the BAU and the structure of the show; normally one case per episode with a few exceptions, small snippets of the personal lives of the team are shown but the case has priority.

In reality such a job with hardly any free time and constant cases could not exist. I mean it still is a government job. People would burn out so fast you could not replace them. Other teams are sometimes alluded to - like at Haley's wake - or shown in the send off episodes for the spin-offs, or Katie's or Andi Swann's groups, but they all have different responsibilities.

The reality of less travel and more paperwork was too boring a show concept for the creators and they wanted the variety of all the BAU teams to come up with interesting and varied stories week after week. But all that made the characters unrealistic. Who in their right mind would really put up with such a job no matter how important to them?!

I mean sure the writers tried to show realistic consequences such a job would have on the characters but they always did a half-assed job, never taking things to their logical conclusions. Because the cases always took precedence before the characters and their development. There were a few notable exceptions for Hotch, Morgan, Emily and Reid but even those were based on this unrealistic premise and never allowed for full exploration of the characters and their development.

Reid would have had to go to rehab, but they wrote his addiction storyline too shoddily. They did a much better job with Strauss, perhaps learning from their mistakes. Hotch would not have been able to magically heal from nine life-threatening stab wounds in 34 days and allowed back in the field. Reid's leg was dealt with a little more realistically and that only because it was based on Gubler's real injury. After the trauma of losing his wife Hotch realistically would have negotiated for working part-time to be there for Jack.

Don't get me started on Emily.

Simply put what makes good drama is seldomly based on realistically possible scenarios and the characters and their development suffered. We can try our best to analyse things but we're simply hindered by shoddy writing. How often is a nuance in the feelings of a character shown by how a character looked in one of maschotch's stills?

I wonder how often the actors really added to the episodes by how they looked or behaved or argued for a different reaction when the scripts were lacking. I bet it was quite often.

It's a huge stereotype in the hotchgirl world that we all have daddy issues and I think its interesting that so many of us flock to him even when his fatherhood is his express issue lmfao. I had a pretty shitty dad growing up and when I watched criminal minds as a kid and even as a teenager hotch was like this archetype of the perfect father. The way he sits with Jack in bed, the way he frames his artwork, him coaching his soccer team? Ahh it was just so perfect to me and It just sort of sucks having that perception shattered as I get older because he's only a great dad when he's there, which as you say, isn't a lot of the time. I do think the writers truly try to make him an amazing father but after haileys death I think they sort of lazily piece together an excuse to return him to work. Because they've made this whole storyline about how important his family is to him and now he's a single parent to his son, so logically he would retire early and stay at home. But hotch is a super popular character, they can't just write him off. So they make it seem like everyone is okay with him returning to work and rarely make his absence from Jack an issue 👍 asjdhssbsh I'd truly love to believe that his shitty rarely-there dad characteristics are because of the writers making it his prime issue but not coming up with a satisfying solution rather than an actual character flaw

ok this is not how i thought this was gonna go when i read the first two lines ajkshdlj but i actually completely agree w you?? i feel like they did that so intentionally, and it really goes to show why jack loves his dad as much as he does: for all intents and purposes, hotch is a terrific father. he's loving and gentle and supportive... but he's not really there for his son, which says a lot about his priorities

i love hotch, the audience loves hotch, the writers love hotch, so we all wanna give him the benefit of the doubt. it's clear how much he loves his son. but there's just... no way for him to actually be a good father and still have this job. especially as a single parent. they really bend over backwards trying to figure out ways for all of this to work out perfectly so hotch can stay on the show. i mean thank god jessica is there to drop everything and take care of his son any time he needs to go hundreds of miles away for days at a time.

it's frustrating that they'll scramble to smooth everything over without actually making any changes. like. hotch is still working the same amount of hours. his caseload is the same. morgan helps out with the paperwork, but im sure there's even more. nothing has changed? the situation is the same, but somehow hotch is #1 dad of the year

[backseat-negan]

|Long-Awaited Savior: Part Fourteen|

Check out previous chapters and the Masterlist

Characters: Negan (JDM) x female reader, Jovana (OC), Eugene, Daryl, Simon

Word Count: 6,368

HEADS UP: Smut, language, description of physical injuries & abuse

Chapter Summary: You learn the truth about why the Alexandrians want Negan dead. You also share an intimate night with Negan and have a painful conversation with Jovana.

Author’s note: The second-to-last chapter is finally here after a rough couple weeks for me. This has been one of the most agonizing chapters I’ve ever written. I’ll leave it at that.

PART FOURTEEN: LOVE & PAIN

After two hours in the clinic, Dr. Carson was still nowhere near finished tending to Jovana’s wounds. You sat in silence, watching her grit her teeth with closed eyes as he scrubbed her burns clean and bandaged them. The shock still hadn’t worn off. You had to keep repeating the facts to yourself over and over, attempting to make them feel real.

 Jovana is alive.

 Dwight is dead.

 A war is starting.

She had been stabbed in the side – you assumed by Dwight – and Dr. Carson believed one of the ligaments in her knee to be torn. On one hand, you wanted to allow Jovana to rest and recover from everything she had been through, but you also wanted to know exactly what happened after that ceiling collapsed in the building.

 Be patient… you’ll know soon enough.

 After another hour, Jovana was finally bandaged enough to go back to your room and rest. You walked with her, supporting her weight as she limped painfully in spite of a knee brace from Dr. Carson. Thankfully, Simon had been anxiously patrolling the area outside the clinic, so he immediately offered to help you with the daunting task of getting Jovana up the three flights of stairs to your shared room.

 When all three of you finally reached the door, Simon lingered, lightly clinging to Jovana’s hand as his eyes darted nervously over to you and back to her. She giggled softly and turned Simon’s full attention to herself with just a single finger on his cheek. After another moment of awkward hesitation, he finally dipped his head and pressed his lips desperately to hers, his fingers trailing delicately down her neck and across her collarbone. You politely turned your gaze to the floor, trying (and failing) to stifle the grin that immediately spread across your face.

 Even with the world gone to shit, love still exists.

 Simon clearing his throat brought your eyes back up, and it was impossible to ignore the flush of pink in Jovana’s cheeks, even with the burns present. He patted you on the back and murmured quietly to you.

 “Thanks for keeping an eye out for her. You let me know if you need anything, understand?”

 You nodded with a smile and thanked him before pushing the door open and helping Jovana into the room, easing her down onto her bed as gently as you could. As soon as you let go, she motioned for paper and a pen. You hurriedly grabbed a notebook from under your bed and pulled out two pens – one for her, and one for yourself. She took the notebook and flipped to a clear page and began writing.

 Did you find the knife?

 You smiled and nodded, reaching across to write your response.

 YES! You’re brilliant. So what happened?

 Which part?

 After the ceiling fell, I couldn’t see you. When the Saviors got there, they could only find Dwight and he said there were no other survivors.

 Jovana growled in anger and began writing furiously. You sat down next to her, carefully making sure not to brush against her bandages and reading as she wrote.

 I’m glad he’s dead. The only way out was upstairs. Knew a lot of people were sleeping up there. Tried to save them, but everyone was already gone. I saw Dwight carrying wires and empty gas cans out to the balcony I needed to get to. When he saw me, he attacked me – stabbed me, threw me in one of the burning rooms and barricaded the door. I couldn’t get out. The door finally burned so much that it started to crumble. I crawled out over the barricade. That’s where the burns came from. I went to the balcony and saw him going into the forest. I jumped down – hurt my knee more – and followed him. He needed to think I was dead so I didn’t go after him. He ran back to the building when the trucks showed up and I looked at everything he left there. I knew he started the fire. I left my knife there - hoping you would find it and know I was alive, know what happened – and started walking back here. I didn’t know how bad my knee was, or the stab wound or the burns… that’s why it took me so long.

 Your eyes ran over her words again and again. Dwight had tried to kill her. Even worse, he had left her for dead. He was a coward, and it was a good thing he was dead now. Jovana’s pen moved again.

 What did Eugene do?

 You sighed and pulled the notebook to your lap.

 Set everything up. They both wanted Negan dead. Negan was supposed to visit the day before the fire happened, and Dwight had the idea for the fire. Eugene got the supplies and put it all together, probably said it was for the electrical team. When he found out Negan’s plans changed, he called the whole thing off, but Dwight was pissed and did it anyway – and killed as many people as he could. He deserved to die.

 Why did they want Negan dead?

 It was a valid question, and you still didn’t know the answer. You shrugged helplessly and Jovana reached across you to write one last thing.

 Go find out.

 -

 Three days after the incident, you were grateful to discover Arat had gone back to her post outside of Maggie’s room. Gripping a bottle of water, you boldly approached the Savior keeping watch over the cells.

 “Keys, please.”

 Joey stared at you with uncertainty, a half-eaten turkey sandwich in one hand and a can of beer in the other. Rolling your eyes, you motioned to the keyring hanging off his belt.

 “Can I just grab them? I’ve got water for the Alexandrian.”

 “Which one?” Joey mumbled through a mouthful of sandwich.

 Daryl must still be down here.

 “Uh… Eugene, obviously.”

 “Boss said no food.”

 “Does water fucking sound like food to you?” you sneered, hoping your boldness would get you what you wanted instead of getting you reported to Negan. You decided to continue with the charade. “With no food, he suffers. No water? He dies. We need him alive. I’m taking the keys now.”

 Eyeing you one more time, Joey finally nodded his head, taking another bite of his sandwich. You quickly snatched the keyring from him.

 “Which cell?”

 “The smart guy’s in Room 2, just down the hall and… no, wait… the other guy’s in Room 2, the one you want is in Room 7.”

 Dipping your head in thanks, you tried to control your breathing as you stepped briskly toward the end of the hall.

 Room 5, Room 6… Room 7.

 Shoving the key into the lock, the handle turned with a bit of effort and the door fell open with a clunk. As light from the hallway flooded the room, you bit your tongue. The Alexandrian lay shaking on the concrete floor, stripped of his clothes. Dried blood covered his face and dark bruises had already shown up on his stomach, back, arms, and cheekbones. You cleared your throat and turned your face away as he scrambled to a sitting position in the corner, whimpering quietly and covering his face with his hands. Pulling the door shut behind you, you clicked on a small flashlight and held the bottle out to him.

 “Here… drink some of this, you need it. Hey! Eugene. Look at me, goddammit.”

 You almost felt sorry for the man as he continued to tremble, unable to move his hands away from his face. He jumped when you gently grasped one of his hands and pulled it away, looking into his terrified eyes. You shook your head with a sigh.

 “Look, I get it… I’d be scared too. I’m not here to hurt you though. You give me the answers to some questions I have, and I’ll let you have some water.”

 Eugene continued to eye you fearfully, so you eased yourself onto the cold floor, crossing your legs and holding the bottle out to him once more.

 “Negan doesn’t know I’m here.”

 His hand was shaking violently as he reached out and took the bottle from you. He twisted the cap off frantically and began gulping the water, downing half the bottle in a matter of seconds.

 “Hey, hey… slow down… you’ll puke it all back up, take it easy.”

 He lowered the bottle, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and turning his gaze to the ground before finally speaking.

 “I w-will do my b-best to answer any questions you m-might have.”

 “Fair enough. Big one first: why? Why did you and Dwight want Negan dead? And I don’t want bullshit – please don’t give me bullshit. I honestly want to know. You don’t seem like the killing kind of man.”

 Sniffing quietly, Eugene swallowed hard before speaking, his eyes still glued to the concrete floor.

 “Dwight and I did indeed have very different morals and codes of conduct, but we both came to the conclusion that Negan needed to be taken out of the picture. It is my personal belief that Negan is evil in its purest form. He kills people to make a point, to establish power… to control. I can say with almost full certainty that he will not be killing me any time soon. No… it is most likely he will use my transgressions as a reason to kill my friends back home. That’s his MO, his modus operandi. He’d rather kill someone close to me than kill me. It’s more painful. Negan lives to control and instill fear.”

 As Eugene went silent, you mulled his words over in your head.

 “You didn’t answer the question.”

 His tear-filled eyes jerked up to meet yours in fear, gripping the water bottle tightly as he began trembling again.

 “C-can you please repeat the question?”

 “Why? Why did you want him dead?”

 “Because I want it to stop.”

 “Want what to stop?”

 “The death, the fear, the fighting… I want it all to stop.”

 “You want the death to stop so you went and killed a bunch of innocent people?”

 “That was not supposed to happen!” Eugene shouted, his voice cracking and his face beginning to redden. “Th-that was never part of the plan. The plan was to burn down the Saviors’ residential building while Negan was asleep. Take out the boss and a good percentage of his most dedicated followers in one fell swoop. I never wanted any innocent people to get hurt… I never wanted anyone dead except Negan and the Saviors. That is where Dwight and I differed. He had become more like Negan than he realized.”

 Your eyes bore into Eugene’s until he became uncomfortable and looked away, taking a cautious sip of the water.

 “Tell me what he did.”

 “I beg your pardon?”

 “Tell me what Negan did to your people.”

 You watched his eyes dart back and forth, clearly trying to choose his next words carefully. After an extended silence, you cleared your throat, prompting him to speak.

 "Negan's arrival directly resulted in some of the worst events our group has had to endure. He bludgeoned two of our people to death, one of them a soon-to-be father and the other a best friend to many, including myself. He took Daryl with him and... well, I'm sure your aware of that situation."

 "I'm actually not," you interrupted. "Why don't you enlighten me since you've spent so many shifts down here?"

 Eugene quickly averted his eyes and swallowed hard before continuing in a quiet and monotone voice.

 "Dog food sandwiches. Routine torture. Physical beatings. The severity and frequency have increased since the fire."

 "The fire you helped start."

 "I do indeed take responsibility for my actions," Eugene defended. "I will not argue for one second that I do not belong right here in this cell, because I believe I do. But Daryl is the one paying for my mistake and that's hardly what one would consider justice. It's Negan. He hurts the ones you care about instead of hurting you."

 "What else has he done?"

 "I helped fashion a bullet that was intended for Negan, but it did not find its mark. An innocent person was shot for that. Another man tried to befriend Negan to overthrow our leader, and Negan spilled his guts - quite literally. I've heard of other incidents. The Saviors leaving a near-indestructible vehicle blasting music at full volume inside the open gates at Hilltop. It drew an admittedly impressive herd of walkers before it could be disabled. His hot iron punishments here at the Sanctuary.”

 “Hot iron punishments?”

 “Reference the scarring on Dwight’s face, if Negan wants to call someone out for breaking the rules, they get a hot iron to the face. You missed the last one while you were at the outpost. Apart from that, there was the wiping out of the entire male population of a village near-"

 "Oceanside?"

 Eugene was silent for a moment before he responded.

 "Yes, ma'am, I do believe that was their title. May I ask you something personal?"

 You regarded the pitiful man with suspicion, then nodded your head.

 "Did everyone in your camp deserve to die?"

 His question caught you off guard, and for a split second your mind flashed back to the dark shed and the chains rattling against the door. You closed your eyes, forcing yourself to leave the memory behind and focus on the few minutes you had remaining with the Alexandrian.

 "A few of them did... well, at least one of them for sure... but there were some good people there."

 "How many of Negan's men did you kill, and how many of yours did he kill?"

 You furrowed your brow, trying to recall a time you had tried so desperately to forget.

 "I don't know," you muttered, shrugging your shoulders with uncertainty. "I don't think we killed any... he probably killed about twenty? Maybe twenty-five?"

 For the first time since you entered the cell, the Alexandrian locked his eyes to yours with an unnerving intensity and spoke with conviction.

 "Alexandria has killed more than our fair share of Negan's men, there is no denying that. However, I do believe that fact is purely because we are the only ones who have had the true means to fight back and win in some way. The numbers weigh heavily in our favor if you only consider our community... but with consideration of the big picture, Negan has hardly suffered the greater loss."

 The resulting silence felt deafening as Eugene’s words hung in your ears. You tried unsuccessfully to shake off the feeling that maybe you hadn’t been able to see full truth since joining Negan at the Sanctuary. Before your mind could question anything further, you snatched the half-empty water bottle from Eugene’s hands and stood up, turning towards the door.

 “Does Negan treat you well?”

 The Alexandrian’s question caused you to pause, thoughts racing through your head.

 Of course he does… he saved me, fed me, clothed me, gave me a place and a purpose in life… he’s cared for me, held me, loved me…

 “Yes,” you replied confidently. You could hear Eugene grunt in pain as he readjusted his position on the concrete floor before speaking sadly.

 “I hope for your sake it stays that way. He used to treat me well, too.”

 You had heard enough. You twisted the knob of the door and wrenched it open, stepping out into the hallway and pulling it shut behind you, once again plunging the Alexandrian into darkness. You stood there for a moment, listening to the sound of your own breathing before regarding the set of keys in your hand and remembering Joey’s words.

 “…the other guy’s in Room 2…”

 Despite every logical bone in your body telling you to leave, you peeked around the corner to see that Joey had moved his chair to the doorway of a nearby residential room and turned the TV on to play reruns of an old 90s sitcom. Fairly certain he wouldn’t miss the keys for another few minutes, you ran silently down the hall and jammed the key into the lock of Room 2. Shoving the heavy door open with your shoulder, you immediately gagged and turned away, taking a few moments to regain your composure before turning back to the horrible sight before you.

 The man named Daryl was laying naked in the fetal position in the corner, his back facing you. The stench of feces and urine was overpowering, and you observed a nearly full bucket in the opposite corner. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from his body, unsure if his constant shaking was due to pain or to cold… or fear. Dark purple bruises marred his body, along with both scars and deep, fresh cuts. His skin was caked with dried blood and dirt, and the floor of the cell was covered in the same. It was obvious he had been whipped and beaten repeatedly – and recently. Your chest felt tight and a lump gathered in your throat as you observed blatant evidence of Negan’s rage.

 “Daryl?”

 His body jerked at the sound of your whisper, and he turned his head slightly towards you without saying a word. You quickly shut the door and clicked on your flashlight again, kneeling at Daryl’s side and whispering to him again.

 “Negan doesn’t know I’m here… sit up, I have water… please, I don’t have much time.”

 Daryl slowly pushed himself into a sitting position, still huddled against the wall in fear. With his hands now visible, you could see deep cuts and heavy scars around his wrists, the obvious results of being restrained for long periods of time. It reminded you of your own wrists after Negan rescued you from Wesley. Setting the flashlight on the floor, you twisted the cap off the water bottle and brought it to his lips. His bloodshot eyes regarded you with fear for a moment before he brought his head forward and gulped down the water with desperation. A few drops trickled down his chin as the bottle was emptied, and he dipped his chin in gratitude. You couldn’t hold back the questions any longer.

 “Why is he doing this to you?”

 Daryl remained silent, eyes fixated on the floor as his body continued to tremble. You tried again, softer and with a more pleading tone.

 “What happened? Please, Daryl… I’m trying to understand.”

 Still refusing to look at you, his trembling lips parted and he finally spoke, his voice low and hoarse.

 “I hit him. Maggie ok?”

 This is his punishment just for taking a swing at Negan?

 You took a deep breath and hesitated before responding.

 “Mostly, yeah… the baby is fine. She’s fine. They… they haven’t been feeding her real well since the fire. She’s guarded all the time though, I can’t do anything about it.”

 Daryl’s eyebrows furrowed and he brought his reddened eyes up to lock with yours.

 “What fire?”

 “Eugene and Dwight rigged one of our new outposts to burn… it was supposed to kill Negan, but the plan got thrown off. Eugene tried to call it off but Dwight did it anyway. It killed a bunch of us… I thought it killed my best friend. Would’ve killed me too if she hadn’t helped me escape.”

 His eyes flashed with anger at the mention of Dwight’s name, and you could see his jaw clenching.

 “That sonuva bitch still alive?”

 “Dwight? No… we found out it was him and he tried to attack Negan… tried to attack me… my friend killed him. He’s dead. Negan had him thrown out to the walkers.”

 Daryl’s eyes returned to the floor as he nodded with silent acknowledgement. Knowing you had just mere moments left with him, you inhaled deeply and asked your last question.

 “Why does Negan need to die?”

 You could see Daryl’s jaw repeatedly clenching again, and he finally turned his head to you, a deep fire burning within his bloodshot eyes.

 “It’s gotta stop. We’re tired of dyin’… and we’re tired of killin’ people. We don’t wanna do it no more.”

 Upon hearing distant voices, you grabbed your flashlight and ran to the door, pulling it open and whispering as you left.

 “I’m sorry for what he’s done to you.”

 Daryl called out angrily just before the door latched shut.

 “If you’re sorry then do somethin’ about it!”

 Your ears seemed to be ringing as you hurried down the hall to where Joey had been, and upon turning the corner you found him exactly as you last saw him. Sauntering up with an air of confidence, you dropped the keys into his lap and snapped, “Keep the smart one in line. Wouldn’t stop talking my ear off with all sorts of conspiracy bullshit. He might be losing it.” Joey nodded hurriedly as you marched off down the hall, not realizing you were holding your breath until you reached the stairs and finally exhaled. Tossing the empty water bottle in the trash can of a nearby room, you headed up the stairs and out into the open yard.

 You couldn’t help but notice the pool of blood that had seeped into the dirt where Dwight had been before, illuminated by the light of the full moon hanging overhead. You felt a wave of satisfaction that he had been killed, but you couldn’t fight back the rest of the conflicting thoughts swirling in your head. You walked across the yard, stopping just a few feet from the fence, listening to the snarling of the walkers and watching them twist their necks and claw the air in a morbid and timeless dance. You heard the thudding of boots approaching behind you, but kept your gaze forward.

 “What’s keeping you up, sweetheart?”

 The low rumble of Negan’s voice was both comforting and unnerving. You shrugged and sighed deeply, trying to sort through your racing thoughts.

 “Just wondering what’s next.”

 Negan chuckled and draped his arm around your shoulders, pulling you close and kissing the top of your head gently.

 “Revenge, darling. In a few days we’ll be heading to Alexandria, and we’ll teach them a lesson they’ll never be able to forget.”

 You lifted your head to look at Negan and forced a smile as you tried to make your question appear eager instead of conflicted.

 “How are we going to teach them? Please… don’t spare any details. I want to know exactly how we’re going to make them suffer.”

 Negan laughed again and threw you a surprised look.

 “Well, babygirl, I must admit… your enthusiasm is hot as fuck. My dick’s getting hard just hearing you talk like that. Then again, it does tend to be very hard in general whenever I’m around you. But I digress… we’ll be taking all three of our lovely Alexandrians with us, and they’re going to help us with a little… ‘demonstration.’”

 His dark smile made you nervous, but the lust and dominance in his voice sent chills through your entire body. You could feel unexpected warmth beginning to pool between your legs. Forcing yourself to focus, you pushed past his seductive words to address the issue at hand.

 “Let me help.”

 Negan regarded you with both surprise and pride, pausing for a moment to consider your request.

 “And exactly how would you like to help?”

 “You’re going to hurt them… that much I know for sure. I want to help… I want to hurt them too. At least let me have a go at Eugene… he’s the reason Jovana is hurt, he’s the reason so many people are dead. Give me some sort of chance to make things even.”

 Negan was silent for another moment before he slowly nodded his head and grinned.

 “Fair enough… it’s hard to say no to you, doll. Tell me what you want to do.”

 You chewed on your bottom lip for a moment in contemplation.

 “I just need a knife, a gun, and two or three bullets. I’ll manage to have some fun with that.”

 Negan chuckled once again, grasping your hand and turning you to face him.

 “As you wish, sweetheart. I know you’ll make me proud. What do you say about spending a little time together tonight? You know you can say no.”

 The fluttering of your heart and the sparks of excitement all over your body gave away your desires. You blushed deeply and tipped your head up to his, tugging at his bottom lip with your teeth and drawing him into a deep kiss. He moaned and pulled you close, his hands traveling down your back to grip your ass before giving it a playfully hard smack.

 “I want you to take me completely,” you whispered breathlessly between kisses. Negan froze and pulled away from you, eyeing you with uncertainty.

 “I told you before, I don’t want you to do it before you’re ready. I can wait as long as it takes, sweetheart, we don’t have-“

 “I’m ready and I want it now,” you interrupted, gripping his jacket tightly with both hands and smashing your lips against his with urgency.

 “Fuck, baby…” he gasped eagerly. “You don’t have to fucking tell me twice.”

 He picked you up, forcing you to wrap your legs around his waist, and walked quickly to the residential building, nipping at your neck and ear the whole way. You tried to contain your noises of pleasure, but it was impossible. You were completely overcome with passion and desire. When you finally reached his room, he fumbled hurriedly with the door handle, eventually throwing the door open and immediately slamming it shut behind you. Your heart was pounding against your chest and you could feel wetness nearly pouring out of you in anticipation.

 Negan tossed you passionately onto his bed, immediately climbing on top of you. He braced himself with his hands next to your shoulders, your tongues dancing together as he began to grind his growing erection against you. Quiet moans escaped you as his lips traveled along your jaw to your neck, sucking and nibbling deep love marks along your collarbone. You frantically reached for the bottom of your shirt, pulling it up and over your head in one ragged motion. Negan paused for a moment, staring in awe at your exposed stomach and bra. You only felt self-conscious for half a second before he whispered breathlessly.

 “My god… you’re fucking perfect, every goddamn inch of you is fucking incredible.”

 He dipped his head down, trailing his tongue across your stomach as he reached behind your back and released the hooks of your bra. His breath hitched in his throat as your breasts became exposed. Groaning heavily with desire, he sat up to pull his own shirt over his head and unzip his pants before fumbling with the zipper on your jeans, hooking his fingers in the beltloops and tugging them down over your hips. The combination of the cold air hitting your legs and the feeling of his obvious erection pressing against you sent goosebumps across your skin.

 “Take me, Negan…” you whispered desperately. “Take me now.”

 He rolled onto his back next to you in order to tug his pants and boxers off, his firm cock immediately springing forth. He turned his head to lock eyes with you, his chest heaving with gasping breaths.

 “All you do is say ‘stop’ and it’s done – it won’t go on a second longer. You have to fucking promise me, baby… I need to be able to trust you. Tell me if you don’t want it anymore.”

 As you crawled on top of him and positioned yourself above his cock, you leaned down to whisper tenderly against his ear.

 “I promise.”

 You gripped his rock-hard member with your hand and lined it up with your dripping entrance, the room absolutely silent as you hovered at the breaking point, both of you holding your breath in anticipation before Negan whispered.

 “Only if you’re ready.”

 You dropped yourself onto his cock and cried out with a loud voice, your walls stretching to accommodate his size. You pulled in gasping breaths as Negan swore through deep moans of pleasure.

 “Oh my fucking god… holy fuck, baby… do whatever the hell you want, you feel so fucking amazing…”

 As you continued to ease yourself down, his length pushing deeper and deeper inside of you, you began to slowly rock and swivel your hips. You had never heard such passionate and desperate noises come out of Negan, and both of your moans and shouts echoed against the walls of the room – and no doubt the walls of the hallway outside as well. Neither of you could be bothered to care though, and Negan’s hands slowly made their way from your ass, to your hips, to your clit. He slid his thumb against your wetness before dragging slow, clockwise circles around your swollen bud. The combination of his cock pushing deep inside you and his thumb on your clit caused you to start trembling uncontrollably.

 “That feel ok, baby?”

 “Fuck, god, yes,” you gasped breathlessly, leaning forward to plant your palms on his chest for balance. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from his lust-filled gaze. He began to lift his hips rhythmically below you, forcing his pulsing cock even deeper inside you and consequently forcing passionate moans from your lips.

 “Negan, please…” you stammered desperately.

 “Just say the word and I can stop,” he whispered through ragged breaths.

 “God no… please don’t stop. Negan… jesus fuck, don’t- goddamnit, don’t fucking stop. Holy fuck… shit… Negan, you’re gonna make-…”

 You couldn’t even finish your sentence before your orgasm hit you like a tidal wave and rushed over you, throwing sparks of electricity and mind-numbing pleasure throughout your entire body. Your hoarse screams echoed against the walls and Negan gripped your hips tightly with both hands, pushing and pulling you against his cock erratically as he groaned through clenched teeth.

 “Honey… goddamn…”

 He lifted you up and tossed you onto your back in one swift motion before straddling you and pumping his throbbing member frantically with his hand. Your screams paled in comparison to his primal roar of release as hot cum poured out of him, painting your stomach with blatant evidence of his climax. In an instant, the room was filled with nothing but the sound of your heaving breaths. Beads of sweat fell from Negan’s forehead, mingling with your own sweat already gathered on your stomach. He continued to straddle you for nearly a full minute, delicately holding his sensitive and softening member in his hand, eyes closed and chin lifted towards the ceiling.

 You hardly felt him crawl off the bed, his feet softly thudding against the floor as he made his way to the bathroom to retrieve a towel for you. The rush of adrenaline slowed, leaving you in a near-numb state of euphoria with eyelids that refused to stay open. Negan gently wiped his release from your stomach with the damp towel before wiping himself off as well. He collapsed onto the bed next to you, his hand finding yours and gripping it tight.

 “Baby, I need to talk to you about something.”

 “I’m not ready to be a wife,” you blurted out, immediately regretting your assumption that a proposal would be a part of the conversation. “I mean… every single second of this was amazing, I just don’t know if I can handle-…”

 “I love you.”

 Your entire body froze as the words spilled from his mouth. The room became uncomfortably silent and you eventually turned your head to make out the silhouette of Negan’s face staring up at the ceiling. He finally rolled onto his side to face you, tenderly stroking the back of your hand with his thumb as he pulled in a deep breath.

 “Before the fire, I… I wasn’t sure about it until your call came through on the radio for help, and all of a sudden I didn’t care if every other fucking person there was gone already, I needed you to be alive. I’d always imagined you’d be with me until we’re both old and wrinkled as fuck… I thought about that while we were driving over there, that I wanted you to be around for a damn long time and I knew if I lost you that day, it would destroy me. Life in this shitty world would suck ass without you… and I figured that has to be love, right? When just fucking thinking about living without someone makes you hurt?”

 You tried to formulate a proper sentence, even just a few words, but your mind was both blank and racing at the same time. Everything you had learned about Negan came crashing down on you, clashing with all of your feelings towards him… clashing with all the words coming out of his mouth. You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn’t notice Negan looking at you expectantly.

 “Sweetheart…?”

 “I didn’t have any flashbacks this time...” you stated emotionlessly. “I didn’t have any thoughts… about him… just you. You got rid of him, you…”

 “I didn’t do anything, baby,” he interrupted, pushing your hair off of your face with a gentle hand. “You’re the strong one, you’ve gotten rid of him all on your own. I mean… shit, I’m sorry… it’s just, I haven’t said those words to anyone since… for a long time. And I mean them.”

 Your ears were ringing, the weight of his words falling heavy upon you. You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to block out the images of Daryl and Eugene’s bruised and beaten bodies, of Maggie’s gaunt appearance, of Negan walking down a line of kneeling young men and shooting them at point-blank range. You could feel yourself beginning to hyperventilate as your mind tried to rectify the haunting images with the tenderness of the man currently professing his love for you.

 “Look, baby, I’m sorry I brought it up, I-…”

 “I think I love you too,” you blurted out, forcing your eyes open to lock your gaze with his. His initial look of surprise was quickly replaced by an amused grin and a soft chuckle.

 “Thank god, because this was about to get really fucking awkward.”

 You giggled before rolling over and sitting on the edge of the bed. Negan crawled behind you, tenderly massaging your shoulders while placing delicate kisses across the back of your neck. Moaning gratefully, you stretched your shoulders before standing and beginning the search for your clothes.

 “You know you can spend the night here, sweetheart, I’m not kicking you out…”

 “I know,” you sighed, “But I need to get back and check on Jovana. She hasn’t been sleeping very much and I don’t want her to have to be alone.”

 “But you’re ok with me being alone, I fucking see how it is…”

 You glanced back at Negan to see him grinning mischievously and running his tongue across his bottom lip. You couldn’t help but smile as you walked back to him, running your fingers through his hair and studying his handsome features.

 “The thought of living without you hurts me, too,” you whispered, dropping a soft kiss to his forehead and tasting the saltiness of his drying sweat on your lips. “And that’s how I know it’s love.”

 Negan planted a deep kiss on the back of your hand before smiling up at you.

 “Go get some rest, sweetheart… tomorrow we’re going to Alexandria.”

 -

 Your emotions hit you full-force on your walk back to your room. Tears poured relentlessly from your burning eyes as you tried to sort through your thoughts.

 I actually love him. Shit, shit, shit… everything is complicated now…

 Your bootsteps rang out on the metal stairs leading up to the fourth floor.

 But do I actually love him if I don’t love all of him? His gentle side is easy to love, but… how can I bring myself to love his brutal side too?

 Finally pushing your room door open with exhaustion, you saw Jovana gingerly sit up in bed and regard you with concern. You wiped the tears from your cheeks with the palm of your hand as Jovana motioned to her own cheek.

 Why are you crying?

 You couldn’t help but surrender to your emotions as you collapsed onto Jovana’s bed next to her, burying your face in her shoulder and letting ragged sobs pour forth as she wrapped her arms around you.

 “I can’t do it, but I know I have to… I have to do it, it’s the only way…” you cried against her, knowing she wouldn’t hear the words. It was more of a confession to yourself than anything else. Jovana finally reached for the nearby paper and pens and set the notebook on your lap.

 What happened?

 I slept with Negan.

 Did he hurt you??

 No no no… he said he loves me.

 Holy shit. Is that a good thing?

 Yes and no… I realized I love him too, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

 Doesn’t make what easier?

 I found out why everyone wants Negan dead.

 Jovana froze and looked at you, her brow deeply furrowed with concern. After a few moments of hesitation, she finally reached out to write.

 Why?

 Your tears flowed in rivers down your cheeks as you told her everything – how he was treating all the Alexandrians here, the people he had killed back at Alexandria, the dozens of men and boys he had murdered at Oceanside and your old camp, the iron punishments he carried out here at the Sanctuary. As you wrote, Jovana’s face became deeply etched with sadness and confliction. When you finished, she swallowed hard before responding.

 So now what? What do we do?

 Your hand trembled violently as your brought the tip of the pen to the paper, the room beginning to blur and spin around you as you admitted what you had been trying to deny for days.

 We have to end it.

 I have to kill Negan.

Previous Chapter

Fuck. Now do you see why this chapter has taken me so long to write?? Typing that last line was so painful.

Tagging those who have requested to be and those who have inspired me to write. If you would like to be added OR removed, just shoot me a message. Love you all more than you can possibly fathom. Tumblr is sucking ass with tags today so I’m hoping these work....

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[liliannorman]

How to find the next pandemic virus before it finds us

More than 100 years ago, a deadly flu virus circled the globe. It caused the influenza pandemic of 1918-1919. Before it was over, this disease had sickened an estimated 500 million people. That was one-third of everyone alive at that time. Some 20 million to 50 million people died.

Flash forward to the 1970s. People in a small Central Africa village fell ill with a mystery disease. It caused bleeding that would not stop. Soon, this Ebola virus would spread to other villages.

Explainer: What is a coronavirus?

What do these famous viral outbreaks have in common with the new coronavirus disease known as COVID-19? Scientists believe animals initially carried the viruses that cause all three. Such diseases are known as zoonoses (ZOH-wuh-NO-sees). That means they started in animals and later spread to people.

Flu likely came from birds. Researchers think that bats may have been the source of the Ebola virus and of COVID-19. “Roughly 75 percent of global pandemics and disease outbreaks caused by new viruses come from wild animals,” says Tracey Goldstein. She’s a virus detective at the University of California, Davis. She hunts for new viruses among the wild animals of Africa.

When viruses pass from wildlife to people, it’s called a spillover. Fortunately, spillovers that affect more than a handful of people are rare. But big spillovers do seem to be happening more often, Goldstein and others observe.

To prevent the next big outbreak, researchers around the world are scouting the role of wild animals in the emergence of new human diseases. Scientists want to understand which groups of animals or viruses pose the biggest risks. What they learn could help us all.

Virus hunters turn to bats

Viruses are tiny, infectious particles. They “live” but aren’t technically alive. They can reproduce only within the cells of a living host. That host can be an animal, plant, bacterium or fungus.

“Humans carry lots of viruses,” notes biologist Kevin Olival. He works for a group called the EcoHealth Alliance. Based in New York City, it tries to protect people and wildlife from new diseases. Measles and common skin warts are examples of viral diseases. But not all viruses are harmful, Olival notes. Some seem to have no effect on the body. It all depends on the virus and the host.

Scientists Say: Outbreak, Epidemic and Pandemic

“All mammals carry viruses,” Olival says. “But there’s something about bats that might be a little different or unique.” That’s why he has made bats — and the viruses they carry — a focus of his research.

Bats are thought to be the host for a number of relatively new viruses that can sicken people. Among them are the Ebola virus, Marburg virus, Nipah virus and SARS-CoV-2. That last one is the coronavirus responsible for COVID-19. In 2002, another coronavirus from bats caused a massive outbreak of SARS (severe acute respiratory syndrome) in China. Highly contagious, SARS showed some similarities to COVID-19.  

Olival and his colleagues at EcoHealth Alliance have been studying the coronaviruses hosted by bats. In China alone, they found 400 different strains of these viruses. Most of them probably wouldn’t sicken people, he says. To figure out which can, researchers will have to perform tests. That will involve taking human cells and infecting them with each virus in the lab, he explains.

See all our coverage of the new coronovirus outbreak

Or, researchers could survey people living near the bats and sample their blood. Olival’s colleagues at EcoHealth Alliance were part of a research team that did just that. They worked in rural Chinese villages. And there they found signs that mini coronavirus spillovers have been underway.

The researchers surveyed 1,585 people. They collected blood from 1,497 of them. Of these, 265 (almost one in every six people) reported some symptoms in the past year of a SARS- or flu-like disease. Nine people also tested positive for SARS-like coronaviruses that had previously been found in area bats. None of these nine remembered having any interactions with bats. However, the people who had reported SARS-like or other severe respiratory infections did say they had been exposed to wildlife and livestock.

This suggests that there may be zoonotic illness in these populations. And, the researchers add, the novel bat-linked viruses in the blood of some of these villagers offers “evidence for bat-borne coronavirus transmission to people.” Hongying Li of the EcoHealth Alliance and her colleagues reported their findings in the September 2019 Biosafety and Health.

Why bats?

Researchers don’t know precisely why bats are a good host for many deadly viruses. But they have some ideas. Bats are the only mammals that fly. (Other “flying” mammals don’t fly. They only glide.) Flying is hard work. A bat needs about twice as much energy for its flight muscles as a similar-sized rodent needs to run on the ground. Putting all their energy into flying could leave bats with less energy to fight off sickness or injury. But that doesn’t happen. Scientists think that flight may have led bats to evolve stronger immune systems than other mammals.

Judilee Marrow collects a saliva sample from a rodent in Gabon, Africa. She and her colleagues at Smithsonian’s National Zoo take these samples to the lab where they will be investigated for viruses.C. Whittier

A unique immune system might mean a unique response to viruses. For instance, one recent study showed that bats’ bodies can limit the ability of a virus to trigger dangerous inflammation. That response may push viruses to evolve in ways that let them rapidly spread from cell to cell. And if that altered virus now spreads to a species without such a strong immune system, the new victim might get super-sick — and quickly.

Olival’s work has mainly taken him to Malaysia. This Southeast Asian nation has more than 100 bat species. He wants to better understand how viruses there might spread between different groups of bats. So he collects genetic information from bats and bat viruses. He uses that to build computer models. These computer programs predict which bat viruses could cause real harm in people and other animals, he explains. 

Explainer: What is a computer model?

Some, such as the Nipah virus, can infect a wide range of animals. Several species of fruit bats in Southeast Asia carry that virus without getting sick. But in 1999, Nipah virus triggered a deadly outbreak among Malaysia’s pigs and pig farmers. 

Goldstein’s team performed similar work with bats in Sierra Leone. That’s a country in West Africa. Her group had suspected local bats carried the Ebola virus. It was not a wild guess. In 2014 and 2015, an Ebola outbreak killed nearly 4,000 West Africans. And in January 2015, researchers linked the start of that outbreak to a two-year old boy in Guinea. He liked to play in a hollow tree where insect-eating bats used to live.

Scientists perform lab work in Tanzania to look for new viruses from wild animals.USAID PREDICT

Villagers had burned the tree down. But insect-eating bats had been linked to earlier Ebola outbreaks. That made these animals the most likely suspects in the West African outbreak, explained Fabian Leendertz at the time. He works at the Robert Koch Institute in Berlin, Germany. His team described how its detective work led to this conclusion in the January 2015 EMBO Molecular Medicine.

“We wanted to see what other viruses were circulating in bats and other animals” in Sierra Leone, recalls Goldstein. That country shares a border with Guinea. Knowing what viruses the bats hosted might help researchers better understand their viral risks to people.

The bats in Sierra Leone carried Marburg virus, Goldstein’s team discovered. It’s a close relative to the Ebola virus. Marburg causes severe bleeding in people, just as Ebola does. But Marburg has not yet sickened anyone in Sierra Leone. The researchers found the disease in bats before any people got sick. But now Goldstein’s group knows that bats pose a Marburg risk there.

Protecting people and wildlife

Figuring out where potentially dangerous viruses come from is only part of the challenge. Research also needs to identify what activities put people at risk of exposure to animal viruses, note Goldstein and Olival.

These new viral diseases aren’t passing from wild animals to people because animals are going out of their way to mess with us. “It’s because we interfere with them,” says David Quammen. He’s a science journalist. And he researched the topic for a book he wrote eight years ago, Spillover: Animal Infections and the Next Human Pandemic.

Ecology is a branch of biology that explains how different living things interact with each other and their surroundings. And “humans are changing ecology,” observes Hellen Amuguni. She’s a veterinarian and infectious-disease researcher at Tufts University in North Grafton, Mass. People can alter ecology by cutting down trees in forests. Or they might build roads or cities through the landscape. Some might hunt down wild animals for pets or food, explains Amuguni. All of these activities can impact the local ecology in ways that scientists are just beginning to understand.

One new study backs that up. Christine K. Johnson of UC Davis and her colleagues published it April 8 in the Proceedings of the Royal Society B. They found that hunting, wildlife trade, habitat destruction and the spread of cities into areas that were previously wildlands all increase the risk of virus spillovers. Selling wild animals at markets or shrinking their natural habitat can jumble together species that wouldn’t normally meet.

Hongying Li visits a live-animal food market in China. All animals, including these, may harbor harmful viruses. Li’s team is surveying the types of wildlife and livestock that local consumers might encounter.EcoHealth Alliance

Scientists think that the new coronavirus might have come from a live animal market in China. The virus could have passed directly from a bat to a human. Or it could have passed from a bat to another animal that was touched by a human. Wild animals kept in cages come into close contact with people and other animals. That provides more chances for viruses to spill over from one species to another.

And these events can be just as bad for wildlife as for people, points out Christopher Whittier. He’s a veterinarian at Tufts who studies human diseases that spill over into wildlife. “Understanding what viruses are in wildlife can help us to protect wild animals, too,” he notes.

The human measles virus can sicken and even kill mountain gorillas. Researchers in Africa discovered this back in 1988. People would gather to watch the apes in Rwanda’s national parks. At the time, no one knew that someone’s sneeze can infect local primates with colds and other viral diseases. And there’s plenty of opportunity for that. Each year, park gorillas and chimps were exposed to more people — and their germs — than would visit the average person’s house over a lifetime.

After scientists realized that these wild animals could get sick, practices changed. Today, people visiting wildlife parks in Africa are asked to keep at least 7 meters (23 feet) away from apes to avoid spreading germs.

When you really think about it, human health, animal health and the environment are all connected, says Olival. Preventing the next pandemic will take the work of doctors, veterinarians and scientists. Each field contributes something different to the understanding of new zoonotic diseases. “If we all come together,” he says, “we can improve the health of humans and the planet.”

Chris Whittier and his colleagues in the Central African Republic collect blood and saliva samples from this western lowland gorilla. These great apes can become infected with human viruses, including measles. The researchers’ goal is to protect gorillas, such as this adult female, from human viruses. This sedated animal will be released once she wakes up. C. Whittier/WWF

How to find the next pandemic virus before it finds us published first on https://triviaqaweb.tumblr.com/

[winterfellchild]

Just to avoid this ending in the wrong tag I screenshot your question.

This is going to be long but since you think you know me well enough I think you should read it because you won’t find someone who knows more than I do about myself... ok that’s not true, maybe my mom knows a great deal about me too but she is not on tumblr so you’re stuck with me.

Just a quick note for everyone else: under the cut there is a looong post mostly about myself so I can assure you it will be boring and I would have talked with this person in private but I don't have the pleasure to know his/her account so I have to share it here.

OK, where do I start?

With the fact that your opening is wrong:

You sound more like a Sansa fan than anything else

There is a mistake in what you wrote:

it’s not that I sound like a Sansa fan more than anything else, I AM a Sansa fan more than anything else.

If you think there’s something wrong in this fact that’s your problem, I’m fine with it and I’m happy about it.

But since you wrote it like there’s something wrong in liking a character more than anything else I’m curious about your reasons... do you think that people can love only one thing?

Or in this case, only one character?

Really?

Then I must be a strange person because I thought it was ok to love more than one character at the same time with the same intensity.

Believe it or not liking Sansa does not preclude to me the possibility to like other characters.

Now that I've got that sorted out, I can talk about this:

I am wondering how you will act towards Jon if the leaks happen and if Jon and Dany end up together and Sansa never happens... I love Jon and I get the impression that you will basically ban all of the jon related stuff because your dear SAnsa doesnt get what she should get according your opinion.            

This statement leaves me quite perplexed, why “will I ban all of the Jon related stuff”?

Don’t I like Jon?

I don’t remember writing that... oh yes, I didn’t write that because I like Jon.

If only you'd asked me before you made your own conclusions I would have told you that I liked Jon even before I liked Jonsa and if you'd have read my blog a little you would have know that I only started to ship Jonsa during season 6... and don’t be shocked but I loved the Starks since season 1.

I admit I liked Robb maybe a little more back then but that’s Richard’s fault and I started to like Jon after he went to the Wall in season 1.

If I want to be more precise I can even tell you when I really started to like him MORE than other characters: season 1 episode 8 “The pointy end” when I watched this scene:

Ser Alliser: Now there's a rare sight. Not only a bastard, but a traitor's bastard. Jon looks Alliser in his eyes. Silence occur for a few seconds. Then, suddenly Jon tries to strike Alliser, but is stopped by Pypar and Grenn. Samwell Tarly: Jon, no! Jon, stop, put it down! Ser Alliser: Blood will always tell. You'll hang for this, bastard.

It was so unfair, he couldn’t help his family at all and on top of that he was even called a traitor’s bastard by someone like Ser Alliser.

I mean, insult on top of injury... imo Ser Alliser was a vile man more than usual in that scene.

I’m not a nice person if someone does something bad to the people I love and I can’t stay away if they are in trouble so I really was sad for Jon, alone at the Wall with a snake like Ser Alliser.

I hadn’t read the books at that time so I was waiting for him to join Robb... but it never happened :(

Nevertheless since then Jon was one of my favourite, one of these characters that I like more than anything else.

All the Starks are in this group and if you want I can tell you when I started to like everyone of them in a special way but I won’t since this is already long enough.

Now, what can I say about me banning “all of the Jon related stuff” if my ship won’t happen?

I sound like an immature vapid shipper, but I’m sure that was not what you mean because it’s extremely rude to judge someone you don't know.

Maybe I shouldn’t but I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt since you said you’re not an hater, maybe you’re just someone who jumps to conclusions.

See, here's the thing: I’m not a person that will ban or hate a character just because he won’t do what I want him to do.

I think it’s too serious and personal to ban or hate someone and after all we are talking about fictional characters, they are not real.

I admit that I feel very connected with some fictional characters, I laugh and cry with them ( I always did even when I was little), sometimes I’m heartbroken about something that happen to them for a while but I don’t think that it’s healthy to be so serious about them to the point of hate... compassion and empathy are good, hate is never good.

Maybe you said that because you think that it’s normal to hate a fictional character to the point that you will erase his existence, but IT IS NOT NORMAL and you shouldn’t go around saying what someone else will do when you don’t know anything about that someone just because you have an “impression“, I’m not a fictional character, someone you can speculate about, I’m a real person just like you and a bunch of posts on a pubblic blog don't define who I am as a person. It’s terribly presumptuous that you think you know what I will do.

Who are you?

Do I know you?

Will you be happy to receive a message from a stranger who has the audacity to brand you like a hater?

Will you be happy to receive a message from a stranger who decided who you like and who you hate without consulting you?

I don’t think so.

I should stop here because really I already said the important part but I’m going to talk about the boring topic before I end this because I don’t want you or anyone else to think I avoid it, you already have too many wrong ideas about me so I’ll talk about the leaks... AGAIN.

I can’t wait for season 7 to air so people will focus more on the show.

I don’t know anymore how to say this: I DON’T BELIEVE UNOFFICIAL SOURCES

I don’t care about who you like or about who you hate and I don’t care who you ship just don’t use the leaks like an absolute truth if you want me to take you seriously.

Maybe the leaks are true, all of them can be true, however as of today no one knows it.

I’ll believe what I’ll see.

I don’t think the leaks are absolutely true but I can be wrong, after all I’m just a viewer like you.

Nevertheless I can say I don’t like them if I don’t like them.

And if I’ll be wrong... I’ll just be wrong, I’ll be extremely disappointed for sure but it’s not like I can do anything about it.

We have a saying in my country, I tried to find the english translation but there is not a perfect translation so I’ll tell you the latin version maybe you’ll have more luck to find it:

si uel a papa mortua

"life goes on” explain the concept of this saying well.

I mean, no matter what life goes on.

I can be heartbroken, I WILL BE heartbroken, but there is more in my life than Jonsa, Sansa, Jon and GoT so stop wondering about “how I will act towards Jon“ and let me assure you that no harm will come to him because:

I already said I like him, maybe even more than you do... you sent an anonymous message so we can’t compare who likes him more;

I have no real power over Jon’s future;

if after all I wrote you’re still wondering about how a stranger will act towards Jon that’s your problem.

  Lastly:

Btw I am not a jonsa hater, I dont really ship anyone on the show

Good for you that you’re not a jonsa hater, hate is bad for the soul but I still think you’re presumptuous.

I just want happiness for the Starks 

It’s the same for me, we see the show differently ( more likely we see life differently) but that doesn’t mean that we can’t have the same goal about a fictional story.

[thebachelordiaries]

The Bachelorette Season Sneak Peek: Jumping to Conclusions

What if I told you there are clues found within the “Extended Sneak Peek” trailer that can predict the goings-on for the rest of the season?

No, I’m not talking about this thing called “spoilers” that only cowards follow. I’m talking about making assumptions based on logic. 

If you watch the trailer multiple times and pause every few seconds, you may pick up on some clues not visible to the naked eye.

I will say that this season’s trailer gave way less clues than JoJo’s, but that doesn’t mean still I can’t dug up some potential dirt.

Don’t believe me? A few weeks ago, I screenshotted a snapchat Chad Johnson took looking out a window of his Hollywood apartment and used Google Maps street view to find out which apartment complex he lives in. 

I searched up and down the Hollywood Walk of Fame to find a corner that looked exactly like the corner in Chad’s snapchat. And guess what? I found it.

The proof can be found on my twitter, @thebachdiaries.

You call it creepy. I call it impressive.

I guess you can say I have a particular set of skills...

Now that you know what I’m capable of, let’s analyze the sh*t out of this season’s preview to see what type of clues we can find and what kind of conclusions we can jump towards:

It looks like Peter got a pretty cool 1-on-1 date in Denmark. You know the Bachelor or Bachelorette really likes someone based on who they give the best dates to. (ie: Nick with Vanessa, Ben with Lauren B.) It looks like the two of them go on at least two 1-on-1s, so Peter gets pretty far. I’d say he makes top three based on his appearances in this trailer. After I wrote this, I saw ABC post that he also gets the first 1-on-1. Damn, first limo entrance, first rose, first 1-on-1. Peter’s an obvious front runner. Almost too obvious...

I see eleven guys standing around the mansion, so this is probably around three when Lee becomes the villain. Lee is on a mission to ruin the other guys’ chances with Rachel, and here he is targeting Alex. Alex is aggressively telling Lee to keep his name out his mouth. I personally don’t think Alex makes it past top 6 or 7 and probably doesn’t get a 1-on-1. I think he gets extra time on a group date in Copenhagen. That’s it. Notice how DeMario, who everyone called a “front runner” isn’t there. More on that here...

This girl shows up in the second episode to announce that her boyfriend, who “just f***ed” her, is on the show as a contestant. I know it’s next episode because Rachel is wearing the headband she wore on the basketball group date. Also, the bleachers make it pretty obvious. Now, the girl was quite vulgar and obviously didn’t care how trashy she seemed. (Also she has a scrunchy on her arm. What the hell.) I would like to speculate that this is DeMario’s girlfriend. This logical choice is based on that DeMario got a lot of screen time on this date, according to previews. Plus, I can’t spot him in any scenes in the season trailer. My guess is DeMario goes home after this. Edit: Well, fuck. I just watched a new preview that just came out that shows it is in fact DeMario. I’m still leaving this here because my sleuthing is still correct, whatever.

Look what we have here. Somebody is injured and bleeding in the previews. Will we actually even see this while watching the show? There’s about a 50-50 chance. There is also a 100 percent chance to injury is not from a fight and might even be fake. Why does Kenny bleed pink blood? Hm.... The most interesting part of this picture, however, is the people in the background. They look like they’re wearing mustard yellow wetsuits that give them cone heads. I can’t figure out any reason for wearing that type of outfit. If you can, please inform me. I am stumped.

I saw a lot of Will in the previews. Enough for me to think he makes it pretty far. At least top 5. I liked this shot because they look super playful and like a real couple. Plus, I think her type is “quiet confidence” and Will doesn’t seem like the “out there” type like Alex, DeMario or the snitch Bryan. I’d say based on these previews, Will is getting to the top 5 or further. I can see Bryan the snitch getting that far too.

To my surprise, Dean got a lot of face time in the trailer. ABC likes to put us on false trails every season, but I don’t believe Dean is one. (Alex is this season’s false trail, IMO) I think Dean gets two 1-on-1s with Rachel, both in foreign cities, and they are seen kissing and laughing a lot. In one sneak-peak, Rachel is talking to Dean and he’s just giggling the entire time. Maybe Rachel is into that, maybe Dean eventually shows off another side of himself to her. I don’t know. Alexis said in an AOL interview that she visited the house and found Dean very attractive in person, more so than on television.

This image is here for the sole reason that Kenny called Lee a snake. Kenny is hilarious and will probably make it to the top 6 on his personality alone.

When you’re a boss ass woman and don’t take shit from nobody but you’re still likable as hell. 

So...I tried to make diamonds out of coal, but you can only do so much when producers probably didn’t finish editing the entire season yet, which is why most of the final episodes weren’t in this season’s trailer.

Yeah, ABC, I noticed.

I hope you enjoyed this post. Its purpose was to jump to as many conclusions as possible using minuscule amounts of evidence. No Bachelor preview is safe.

[kinetic-elaboration]

April 23: Jasper and DNR

I wrote this weeks ago, toward the beginning of the hiatus, but didn’t post it for Boring Reasons, so here it is I GUESS. Even with weeks to ruminate I’m still not sure what my point is but w/e.

This was inspired in part by this post by @jontyaxefive (cited again below) and this post by @falafel14 which I know are from weeks ago, but so is this, if you want to be technical about it.

~3300 words in 3 parts (DNR Specific thoughts in Part III)

*

I've been thinking a little about Jasper, his story in season 4, and the DNR kids in the 4x09 promo. These thoughts are really scattered so I'm not sure what they're going to look like in written form or what conclusions I'm going to come to, but basically, here is my reading of Jasper in Season 4 and my hopes for him and the DNR story line in 4x09.

A lot of these thoughts are based on reading I did for my Health Law class in law school, in our unit on end of life decision-making (triggered by the phrase DNR). I won’t go into details about that reading, but that's the basic background of how I got to thinking about this.

I. Jasper as Rational Actor

First, I know that I have personally had a certain contradictory reaction to Jasper's story this season, one that's coming into sharp relief with the hints we've gotten at 4x09. On the one hand, I do believe he's a rational actor and that his decision to let the radiation take him isn't just a knee jerk reaction but carefully considered and, in its own way, sensible. We hear his philosophy in his conversations with Clarke (in 4x04) and Bellamy (in 4x08), and we see it in the consistency of his actions over the course of the whole season.

On a semi-related note, I personally suspect that he has delineated his thought process off-camera to Monty as well, perhaps as early as the space between 4x01 and 4x02 (Monty doesn't seem terribly surprised by Jasper's non-sequitur "I'm not going to kill myself" in the 4x02 shower scene) and at least by 4x04 ("You're the one who's decided he's not going to be saved. You're the one who's leaving me alone."). Monty's smart and Jasper's not subtle; it's possible he's just context-clued his way to this understanding of Jasper's plans, just like the audience has. But my personal feeling is that they've actually had a discussion about Jasper's plans, which is why, or part of why, Monty seems to accept so easily that Jasper wants to end his life—or at least, that Jasper is willing to passively let himself die, which is, admittedly, different. (More on the other why's below.)

It's my instinct to accept Jasper's reasonable conclusions in the same way that I accept all reasonable conclusions, and to respect his personal decision (a decision deeply rooted in individual bodily autonomy, one of the highest values in my society) in the same way that I respect all personal decisions. And honestly...he makes compelling points. The Sky People have expended incredible effort and made great personal sacrifices in order to survive. And for all that, they have seemed to gain very little. Most obviously, of course, many of them haven't survived. It's all well and good for the people who are still standing to say 'yes we did all of this, but it was worth it'--was it worth it for the delinquents who died at the dropship? Who died in Mt. Weather? Was it worth it for Maya or Monroe or Lincoln?  

I also think, maybe this is reading a little too much into things, that Jasper has a unique awareness of just how easily any one survivor could be just one more dead body. I can't remember who said this, what meta I read it in, but I remember someone once pointing out that when Jasper was speared, the injury to him wasn't just in being physically hurt, it was in being completely surprised by what was happening. Later injuries and deaths, even the sudden ones, occurred in the context of an ongoing war (or war-like situation) with the Grounders: everyone was on high alert because of what had happened to Jasper. He had no comparable warning. He WAS the warning. Combine that with his later experiences--his life in  Mt. Weather (not just being held as one of the prisoners there, but acting in a leadership role, truly believing during that time that he could save everyone, and then having that naïve belief dashed), and his s3-s4 suicidal ideation—and you have a character who, more than the average bear, recognizes how quickly all of one's survival efforts can come to nothing anyway, coming radiation or no.

The sacrifices haven't just been in lost friends and loved ones, though. They've sacrificed their time and their effort. They've even sacrificed their sense of morality, perhaps even something of their humanity. Jasper has only brushed against this in himself (in setting off the dropship-rocket in the S1 finale, a decision he briefly reconsiders in 2x01: "Should I not have done that?"), but he's seen people he loves and trusted make truly horrific decisions in the pursuit of survival, most notably his best friend and Earth parents committing genocide in 2x16. Were those decisions worth it?

Maybe he could come to the conclusion that they were, if it weren't for the radiation coming. Another huge factor in Jasper's rational conclusion is that they are all going to die anyway. But not only that: since they first came to Earth, they were all going to die, and die young, and die horribly, anyway. This entire time, they've been gunning for survival, making sacrifices for survival, putting themselves on the line for survival, with the assumption that survival meant "if you're really, really lucky, into old age itself." But that was never what it meant! It meant, "survival, for another few months." That's almost funny, in a sick, dark way.

Further, as jontyaxefive pointed out here, the rationale behind the DNR kids' decision to stay at Arkadia might be even more expansive than just 'the end is coming anyway, let's accept it,' if they foresee in the bunker an Ark 2.0. For Jasper (et. al.) survival at all costs hasn't just been the mantra since they came to Earth. It's been standard operating procedure their whole lives. I've talked a little bit here about the consequences of a community-first/humanity-first society and the toll it takes on individuals. But it's not like it's hard to understand how children who've lived their whole lives hungry (see Jasper and Monty's 2x01 conversation at Mt. Weather dinner), who've seen loved ones executed, or left to die of illness or injury, who've been themselves imprisoned, who've been told over and over and in every conceivable explicit and implicit way that their lives are worth nothing except as vessels to the next generation, might prefer to go out their own way than to be shoved back underground, literally, because the general concept of 'survival' is worth more than their own (individual) lives.

My point is that Jasper's behavior this season is in line with a coherent, consistent, rational philosophy about life and death and that this philosophy, as well as his human right to his own bodily autonomy, should be respected, both by the characters in the show and by viewers analyzing Jasper. His reason for accepting death isn't simply 'well it's going to happen anyway, fuck it all.' Unlike most of the other characters, he's actively interrogating what a worthwhile life is. He's recognized that they are all almost certainly facing the end of their lives and that there is a decision to be made: one between doggedly pursuing any chance of survival in the hope of a last-minute miracle--and giving up everything else in that pursuit and that hope--on the one hand; and prioritizing quality of life in the time left, on the other. Characters like Clarke and Monty don't see the choice at all, but Jasper does, and he's chosen quality of life. 

II. Jasper’s Cries for Help + Other Characters’ Reactions to Him

For all of this, though, I've also had the exact opposite reaction to Jasper in S4, a visceral reaction in which I don’t view him as rational actor taking control of the last months of his life, but as a scarred and damaged child on a path of self-destruction who no one is making the least effort to save. The trauma that triggered Jasper's PTSD occurred in the pilot. He's been openly and actively suicidal since 3x01 (when he tried to commit suicide by Grounder in front of a half-dozen witnesses). And he wasn't contemplating the coming Apocalypse 2.0 at the beginning of season 3, or even in 4x01 when he came within a hair's breadth of killing himself. If the radiation weren't coming and Jasper were talking so openly and so consistently about death, I'd think, I'd hope, that finally the people around him might recognize how severe his illness is. (By 'people' I mean 'people who aren't Monty' because imo he did all that one person could do to help Jasper in early season 3, using the resources available to him and within his own limits. Everyone else seemed quite frankly to have given up by the time we get to 3x01.)

Despite everything I just said about respecting Jasper's autonomy (and I do believe this!), it also shocks me when I hear characters supposedly close to him simply accept 'Jasper's ready to die, that's how it is.' My personal values in real life veer very strongly toward quality of life, bodily integrity, and personal autonomy, but I still have a gut reaction in favor of life, too; I mean I am human. To say 'this fifteen-, sixteen-year-old kid easily accepts, even welcomes, his own death and that's not a problem' is a deeply troubling position to take. When you consider, first, just how strong the survival instinct in humans is (meaning that either Jasper doesn't have that instinct anymore, which is a huge red flag; or that he does and he's going to come to regret his decision at the too-late last moment if he's not veered off of his current path), and second, that Jasper has an illness that has been putting the idea of suicide first and foremost in his head for months now (which means that his rational decisions aren't totally rational, but tainted by his disorder), it seems disgustingly irresponsible for his friends and loved ones to treat Jasper as a lost cause at best, a nuisance at worst ("Grow up!").

In defense of everyone around Jasper, there are some good reasons for not trying to save him. First, they have other stuff to do. For most of the season so far, the majority of Arkadia has been running on a very tight deadline to make their shelter livable: this is hard, time-consuming, physical labor, and it takes all available hands. Those who are a bit more on the brain-trust side of things (aka most of our mains) are also really busy. Plus, most of them have known or suspected for a while that not everyone is being saved anyway, and there are plenty of people who want to live. Being rational again, those people are the priority. I may be a hardcore Jasper fan, but that's fair.

More to the point, I think most of our characters have taken one of two positions about the end of the world (other than Jasper's position) and neither of them is conducive to seeing Jasper's situation as urgent.  

Bellamy is of the position that they are probably going to die, but he's going to do what he can to make sure as many people survive for as long as possible—and hey if there does happen to be a last minute miracle, that's all the better. It's the 'we save who we can save today' philosophy. If he’s right, and the end is inevitable, well there's no reason to save Jasper because he's not going to actively kill himself, he's not in any other immediate danger, and when it does come time to save him, not only he, but Bellamy and everyone else, will be beyond saving.

I think most of the other characters are like Clarke and Monty. They are 100% Team Survive. And being Team Survive means believing with unerring optimism that a solution WILL appear. Clarke's been the most obvious proponent of this view. She encapsulates the philosophy every time she says something along the lines of "I'm not stopping until I save everybody." But Monty is just as clearly and decidedly on her side. He's been at the forefront of survival brain-storming efforts and was the mastermind behind the now-defunct Ark-as-metaphorical-Ark idea. He was instrumental to opening the bunker door. He is, in general, one of the characters most associated in the audience's mind with survival efforts. And in his scene with Harper at the beginning of 4x08, he explicitly takes the Trust in Survival view, opposite her The End Is Nigh position.

From this, I take two main lessons about Monty. First, he may rationally know that Jasper has chosen death, but if his optimism is wide enough to encompass a belief that the apocalypse itself can be staved off, it's wide enough to encompass a belief that, when the time actually comes, Jasper can be saved, too. And second, his own survival instinct is so deep, so overwhelming, and so much on the forefront of his mind, that he probably cannot actually fathom that Jasper's view point is something totally different, that he either does not have that instinct, or he's very effectively buried it.  

In essence, I think that Monty attributes Jasper's ready-to-die attitude solely to Jasper's conviction that the end is inevitable anyway. And Monty simply doesn't share that view. I think when his view is vindicated, as it now appears to be, he'll turn to Jasper and he'll say, essentially "okay, you were wrong, here's the solution, you don’t have to be all ‘let’s party in the face of our doom’ anymore, time to come inside." In fact, I think that's what he's saying in that scene from the trailer in which he and Jasper are on opposite sides of the Alpha Station door. Even if they have talked off-screen about Jasper's decision (as I head canon), I don't think that the full breadth of Jasper's philosophy has sunk in for him. It's not just about making the most of what time is left. It's about taking a hard look at what it means to live in the first place.

So in other words, Monty is refusing to treat Jasper's obvious desire to die as an urgent problem, not only because there are even more urgent problems, but because he thinks the problem will solve itself. When Jasper sees the possibility to live, he'll take it, because that's what people do. They survive at absolutely any cost.

III. Overarching Moral Questions and 4x09 DNR

These questions: what it means to live, what it means to survive, what value we place on life, what value we place on quality of life, the place and the limits of personal autonomy and individual choice, the importance of bodily integrity, the responsibilities we have to other people and to our overarching human values, and the places of stress where these values clash, are all of considerable interest and importance to me, and I thought about them a lot in law school. Part of the reason I've been interested in Jasper this season (besides that he's my fave, ngl that's reason number one) is because I think he's been situated to bring these questions into the narrative. And I've been disappointed by how much he's been underutilized, by how much his potentially complex personal philosophy has been presented as one-note through the season so far, again not just because I love him as a character but because these themes I'm invested in have been pushed to the side right along with their representative. Personally, I would rather have watched my hypothesized Jasper + Monty conversation than the allegedly tense tinder box scenario or the supposedly heart stopping hydrazine race (both of which I found boring and predictable personally but maybe that's just me).

But now at last, with 4x09, it looks like maybe this conflict will come to the fore. I am both excited and nervous about this.

Here is what I would like: for the narrative to acknowledge the contradictory feelings that Jasper has inspired this season so far, delineated above. For the show to demonstrate that he has BOTH a rational and coherent viewpoint AND a damaged psyche that has never been given any chance to heal. For the viewer to get the sense at last that these two strands are not opposites but part of one complex whole. The second influences the first (and should influence our reaction to the first), but doesn't invalidate it.

It would be a good idea for the Arkadian society to reckon with the concerns that Jasper and the DNR kids bring forth, both because their philosophy is a legitimate one in its contours if not in its ultimate conclusions, and because these concerns are born from a very real and very severe pain. Surviving to live in constant misery is simply that: surviving, not living.  

At the same time, reckoning with these concerns does not mean accepting that they want to die and leaving them to it. Any society that values life itself has a moral obligation not to throw up its hands when one or more of its members says 'life as it is now is just not worth it, I am choosing death instead.' This position isn't a problem because life itself is the goal no matter what, or because all life is good no matter what the cost and no matter what its quality, but because anyone who is choosing death in this way is in a dire position and deserves help and compassion.  

Further, any individual who values his friends, as Monty does, should be deeply distressed when one or more of those friends outright declares life unlivable, even rationally, even with reason. Jasper's been constantly sending out flares and crying for help since Season 1. No one's ever really listened. The cry absolutely doesn't get any louder than being part of, let alone leading, a DNR group. I'd like someone to listen at last.

Sometimes, just acknowledging someone's pain and taking what steps one can to alleviate it goes an incredibly long way.  

At the end of S3, Monty promised Jasper that he would feel happiness again, that his life would get better, and that Monty would be part of that journey with him. Obviously, he couldn't predict the quite legitimate Humanity Saving distraction that was about to pop up in front of him and push his friend's concerns to the back burner of his mind. But the radiation isn't the only obstacle in front of the fulfillment of Monty's promise. Even before anyone in Arkadia knew about the coming radiation, and probably mere hours after that conversation, Jasper was ready to commit suicide. It's very easy to make promises like the one Monty made, and very hard to follow through on them. I'd like Monty to take the position that it isn't, even in their current circumstances, impossible. I don't have a ton of hope that we'll ultimately have a hopeful ending to this story (or at least, not one that includes Jasper, who deserves it most, because it's his story), but it would be nice if, for once, we did.

[haruka89]

Why the 5x09 Flashbacks were Bullshit

(For convenience I will call the people from the List List-person/List-people. Also, I wrote this before 5x17 aired, in case anyone wants to use arguments from that episode.) When I heard that the villain of season 5 was supposed to be the child of someone the Hood killed in season 1 I thought that would be interesting. Actions having unintended consequences, etc. Not that Oliver doesn't usually think about those, but you can't plan for every possibility, after all. What I expected was the child of one of the men hired by a List-person, since those are the majority of people killed by Oliver. Men who were criminals by choice or because they were down on their luck. Men who might be classified as mercenaries, being payed to do the dirty work, with varying moralities. Men who, ultimately, were small gears in a bigger machine. Unimportant men, who never had a name in the show. That would have made sense. That would have been interesting. That would have been a chance to show that even the criminals are three dimensional people, like they did with Deadshot. It also would have worked without completely ret-conning the Hood's MO. Instead we have the flashbacks we got in 5x09, which I think are utter bullshit created to refit season 1 to season 5, rather than write season 5 to fit in with established canon.

(Because long meta is long the rest is under a cut. Go to the last paragraph for a tl,dr.)

The Hood's MO, to summarize what I wrote in another meta that I can't remember if I posted it already, was to choose a List-person. Chances are that List-person is at that point in time a danger to someone or fucking someone over (Martin Somers; the guy Oliver wanted to target in 1x06 but didn't because Royal Flush Gang). Otherwise it's someone who's been fucking people over without being arrested, taken to court or otherwise face the consequences for their crimes. (Unrelated note, I want to write about getting their just desserts, which brought me to thinking that Oliver and Trickster/Loki/Gabriel from Supernatural might get on like a house on fire. Thank you, brain.) He goes to that List-person and asks them not-so-politely to undo whatever they have done (return stolen money/goods, confess to crime, repair/replace the broken things in apartment buildings, etc). When they don't, which is often but not always, he returns and makes them, or hacks them, or steals from them, or stops them. The Hood is not nice about what he is doing and violence and intimidation are his main tools, but the List-people have been screwing people over, including injury and death, for 5-10 years without consequences. Some of them use violence and intimidation themselves. Asking nicely is not going to do shit. Going to the police likely is not going to do shit either, considering Oliver's version of the List is FIVE FUCKING YEARS OLD. So, yeah, the Hood has hurt and killed people, because that is how you keep yourself alive if you are a vigilante going up against people who hire other people to shoot at you. Especially if you're doing it mostly alone. Still, he mostly resorted to incapacitating his opponents. Incidentally, I'd bet that max 10% of the criminals he encountered as the Hood are dead. I'm guessing it's much lower. (I can count on one hand the number of people Oliver killed in s1 who weren't at that specific time trying to hurt/kill him or someone else. The only ones I can think of right now are the third kidnapper from 1x01 and the not-the-Count psychiatrist in 1x19. Even those were trying to kill him just minutes before and were a potential future danger, considering they didn't flinch from killing. Neither of them was on the List.) You know what the Hood didn't do? Go back the second time, kill all the hired muscle, confront the List-person and kill them while they're defenseless. You know, the thing he supposedly did with Justin Claybourne. To collect some proof I went on the Arrow Wiki, because I do not have the time to re-watch whole seasons for stuff like this, and looked at the article about the List. Of those listed who had an appearance on the show or in the tie-in comics six died during an altercation with the Hood: Guillermo Barrera (1x16, hired to kill Merlyn), Justin Claybourne (wasn't mentioned before s5), Ted Daniels (tie-in comics), Ted Gaynor (1x11, Diggle's army buddy, robbed armored trucks), Leo Müller (1x05, arms dealer), Justin Whicker (tie-in comics). Any other known-to-be-dead List-people (10 if I counted right) died by someone else's hand. Malcolm Merlyn's, for example. So, let's look a bit more closely at those deaths:

We've all recently seen what happened with Justin Claybourne, I'm not going to rehash that.

Leo Müller died off-screen, if he died at all. We only see Oliver aiming at Müller, before it fades to black and we hear Müller scream and the arrow fly. He might kill him, he might only injure him. Until I saw him as deceased in that article I assumed he was still alive in some prison. According to the wiki he isn't mentioned again chronologically after 1x05. Also, the Hood is a pragmatist. An international arms dealer is much more useful alive and in the hands of something like FBI, Interpol, ARGUS, etc. and it's not like Oliver doesn't have the connections.

Guillermo Barrera was an assassin and died in a fight with the Hood. Technically Oliver started that fight, but only after Barrera pulled out his throwing knives. I'm not sure why Oliver wanted to get to him before the police, since I can't remember why Oliver choose to target him. Maybe he only wanted to make sure Barrera wouldn't do his job in Starling City and didn't trust the police to arrest him. (I wouldn't have, personally, with that reputation.) Either way, I doubt that after that fight had started both of them could have come out of it alive.

Ted Gaynor. There's not much to say there. Oliver killed him when he threatened/attempted to kill Diggle and Carly.

Ted Daniels was about to shoot Oliver or the women he was protecting. Not much to say there, either.

Justin Whicker's death was not quite an accident. He attacked Oliver, missed him and fell out of a window with Felicity. There was no real time to save him, if anyone had wanted to do that.

And just for fun I tried to remember anyone killed by Oliver in s1 who wasn't just a nameless hired gun. I couldn't think of many, but here's what I was able to remember:

The 3 kidnappers from 1x01. They were hired by Moira and weren't supposed to hurt Tommy or Oliver, but the boys couldn't know that. What Oliver did know was that they killed that innocent witness, that they had kidnapped him and Tommy and that they had high powered firearms. Also, they tortured Oliver for information. Escape was the only viable option with the available information, which resulted in the deaths of two of the three kidnappers. The last one Oliver followed to protect his secret. But beyond that there was no guarantee that the third kidnapper wouldn't come back to hurt either of them or hurt any innocent bystanders during his escape.

Deadshot. Oliver not-killed him, as it turned out, when Deadshot was trying to kill him and Diggle.

Frank Bertinelli's right hand, whatever his name. He and his men kidnapped Oliver and Helena and tried to kill both of them. Oliver didn't have much choice considering his lack of weapons.

“The Savior”, the guy who kidnapped people, including Roy. He was trying to kill Oliver and/or Roy, when Oliver killed him.

The doctor from the mental hospital, who produced Vertigo. He had just tried to kill Oliver via Vertigo overdose and knew Oliver's secret. Considering that Oliver was literally seeing triple and barely on his feet, shooting the guy was the only safe way to deal with him.

The assassin from 1x20, trying to kill the boy staying at Oliver's. It was very obvious that the assassin was going to eliminate any witnesses. He was also actively trying to kill Oliver, when Oliver managed to kill him.

(If you can think of anyone else, feel free to tell me.)

Now let's play the game 'Which of those things is not like the others?" The answer should be Justin Claybourne. The first flashback sets this between 1x05 and 1x06, since Diggle doesn't seem to know how Oliver does things and he comments on Oliver not ditching him anymore. Oliver has only just started researching Claybourne and Diggle's protest seems to imply that he thinks Oliver is going to kill Claybourne. Which isn't surprising, since the press and the police have created a reputation about the Hood that's not entirely true. But Oliver words seem to imply the same and I can't remember Oliver choosing a target with the intent of killing whoever it is. In the second flashback the Hood explicitly states that the consequences of refusal will be death. That's another thing I can't remember the Hood doing in s1. In the third flashback Diggle and Oliver outright discuss Oliver killing Claybourne, like it's a forgone conclusion. It also more than implies that Oliver regularly kills List-people, which has not actually been the case until then, since at least four of the six people Oliver targeted are still alive. The others are Leo Müller, discussed above, and Warren Patel, killed by Deadshot. (I also resent this most recent implication that Oliver doesn't think about the consequences of his actions. But that's another topic.) The fourth is Oliver going after Claybourne and potentially killing anyone he finds there. (It's not clear in certain parts, but the staged bodies seem to imply that.) That is not how the Hood went about crossing names off his List. It also doesn't make sense from a practical point of view and Oliver is very practical about his plans. After Claybourne's death his company died, too. But that wasn't something Oliver could have predicted. Companies like that do survive their CEOs. That company could have continued their shady practices, which wouldn't help the victims of the epidemic. Killing Claybourne wouldn't have necessarily changed anything. Instead s1 Oliver could have made Claybourne confess to creating the epidemic, like with Martin Somers and Jason Brodeur. He could have hacked Claybourne's bank accounts, stolen the money (see Adam Hunt) and donated it to organizations to buy the TB medication. Or bought the medication himself and donated it. Or he could have stolen the medication and given it to hospitals and clinics. Or he could have hacked the company and leaked that information to the press or police. Or any number of things he's already done or will do. The tl;dr version: s1 Oliver didn't kill any List-people when it wasn't in self defense or defense of others. Most of the people Oliver killed in s1 were actively trying to kill him or others. The MO of the Hood in s1 doesn't fit with what we see in the 5x09 flashbacks. There were a number of more useful things than killing Claybourne s1 Oliver could and would have done. Which means the 5x09 flashback don't make sense for s1 and make Prometheus a far less interesting character. And I want to Gibbs-slap the writers for going the lazy route of ret-conning s1 instead of creating a story that fits into established canon.