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onechicago-upsteadrhekker · 3 years ago

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breathe again (the air i would kill to breathe)--upstead one-shot

So, I wrote some more angst. You can blame @imjustwritingg and @anniesardors because we are now in an angst competition and this is my submission. I think I might win.

As strange as it might be, I actually had a lot of fun writing this. I also cried and have been deeply in my feels for the better part of the past few months as I wrote on this. I do have happier things in the works, but I don’t think I could ever not write angst so there is your warning I suppose.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy and I can’t wait to hear what you think!

Title is taken from Sara Bareilles’s Breathe Again. I like the Sleeping At Last cover!

Read on AO3

They are sitting in one of their new favorite places to decompress after a long day of working or just when they needed to have a good chat, partner to partner, friend to friend.

The bar was cozy, and it already held some of Jay’s favorite memories from past visits with Hailey—his birthday celebration with just the two of them, Hailey’s four-year anniversary of joining Intelligence, a place they went when they did not want to be interrupted by their other friends.

A place that was special to just them.

Jay could not help but think that she looked particularly beautiful tonight sitting across from him in the low-lit bar, the Christmas lights shining through the window highlighting her features.

She was not dressed fancy, in her usual winter outfit of a button-down and skinny jeans with her sturdy snow boots, but the way her eyes sparkled merrily as she laughed, her smile lighting up the room in a way he has not seen from her in far too long makes him marvel at how effortless her beauty truly was.

She is laughing at him with that big smile of hers as he jokingly brings up the reason why they came here tonight trying to mask the nerves he was feeling.

He listens to her tell him about her job offer with a sinking stomach, desperately trying to act calm and collected instead of revealing the panic that was currently raging inside of his chest.

He pays the check, his heart beating wildly with relief because she just told him she was staying.

He is looking at her now and they are talking about losing and gaining and he cannot figure out if they are talking about them or something else entirely. His gut says them, and he is waiting with bated breath for Hailey to say whatever he knows she wants to say but then she does not, and he is watching her walk out of the bar.

An hour ago, this was his favorite bar because of the memories with Hailey it held.

Now, he is pretty sure he will only remember this place as the one where he let the girl get away.

He notices the way she quickly glances at him before she accepts the small piece of paper that was being handed to her.

They had run by the courthouse to hurry along a warrant and now he is waiting on Hailey to catch up with him because she had been stopped by the judge.

He was new and around their age.

He was also nice, charming and good-looking and he was starting to rub Jay the wrong way.

Over the past several months when Intelligence needed a warrant it was somehow always signed by this guy. When he and Hailey needed to come to the courthouse for whatever reason, they always happened to bump into him.

Jay frowned when Hailey chuckled in response of whatever was called after her as she started to make her way back across the lobby towards him.

He gives her a look when she falls into step next to him and she glances at him, staying quiet until they are back in the truck on their way to the district.

Jay cannot stand it anymore. He adjusts his grip on the steering wheel, “So, what was that all about?”

Hailey glances at him again and it reminds him of the way she looked at him before she told him about her FBI offer not even a month ago.

“Uh, he gave me his number,” She was looking everywhere but him and Jay did his best to control his emotions.

It fell quiet again and Jay did not like the awkwardness that seemed to descend upon them.

It had never been awkward with her before, and he does not like the idea of it happening now.

He clears his throat, keeping his eyes on the road, “Did he ask you out?”

She gives a curt nod, still fidgeting entirely too much with the radio in her hands, “Yes.”

“What did you say?” He dreads the answer.

“I said yes,” It was barely a whisper and when he looks over at her, she is already looking at him, her eyes telling him she was tired of waiting on him to make a move.

He quickly looks away again, closing his eyes hard for a brief moment before whipping into the roll-up and swinging into his parking spot.

“He has me to answer to if he doesn’t treat you the way you deserve.”

Jay is out of the truck without a second glance, slamming his door shut and rapidly wiping away the tears that were gathering in his eyes.

Hailey starts to date the judge and by all rights, the guy is perfect.

He has a well-paying job, he is good looking and he has a great personality.

Jay tries to find faults in him, but he cannot. He wanted to hate him, but when Jay first met him, he had received a hearty handshake and a heartfelt thank you for watching Hailey’s back.

As much as he wanted to, he could not hate him. Apparently when Hailey had told her new boyfriend how close she was with her male partner, he was more than understanding of their relationship and would not be put out from the time they spent time together.

How could he hate someone who respected the time Hailey spent with him, another guy who already spent her whole workday with.

So, Jay decides to hate the way her name clashes with his. Mike and Hailey. Hailey and Mike. They do not go together at all.

Not like his name fit with hers. Jay and Hailey—Detectives Halstead and Upton. Hailey and Jay—Detectives, partners, best friends; nothing more.

But then maybe he hates the way they fit even more because all it does is remind him of something they should have had but for some reason never did.

He thinks that they were meant to be together, but then he thinks that if it has not happened by now then maybe it was never meant to be.

“Hailey, are you sure you’re okay?”

Jay is standing, facing her with his arms crossed and a worried brow.

She sighs, “Yes, Jay, for the thousandth time, I am fine. It’s barely even a scratch.”

He lets out a disbelieving scoff and approaches the bed where she is sitting with her legs folded underneath her. She tries not to gasp when he gently touches the side of her face, turning it slightly to inspect the long gash running across her forehead and to the top of her ear.

“You’re not fine, Hailey. You could have died,” His voice cracks and he sounds like a desperate man, pleading and scared.

It is his tears that makes hers start to well up and she tentatively wraps her fingers around the wrist of the hand that was now borderline caressing her cheek.

She looks earnestly, desperately into his glossy green eyes, “But I didn’t because you saved me.”

He is standing very close to her, and she can feel his breath ghosting over her face as he looks down at her, his large hand holding the side of her face as they stare into each other’s eyes. She swears he glances down at her lips.

Her heart is beating erratically inside her chest, waiting for him to close the distance between them but then the curtain is thrown back and Jay moves faster than she thinks she has ever seen.

It is Mike and Hailey instantly feels bad at the way she is disappointed to see him. At the way she wishes he had not come, but he is her boyfriend, and he has every right to be there with her because she knows he loves her.

Mike’s hand is now where Jay’s was just seconds ago, and it does not feel nearly as comforting and good and right as Jay’s did, but she is not supposed to have those feelings anymore, so she tries to ignore them and leans into Mike.

“Oh my God, Hailey,” He breaths out in concern, “Are you all right? The nurse called me and told me you got hurt on the job.”

She tries to give him a convincing smile.

She is not all right but she cannot tell him that because it has nothing to do with gash on her head.

Hailey reaches out and touches his chest, “I’m fine. Jay was watching my back.”

Mike seems to realize that they are not alone and turns to face Jay, reaching out a sincere hand, “Thank you for protecting her.”

Jay shakes his head and takes Mike’s hand, trying to swallow the lump in his throat, “You don’t have to thank me. It’s my job.”

He glances at Hailey so quick that only she notices it and she gets what he is saying. He never wants the thanks because it is just a given for him. He will always protect her or die trying and nothing will ever change that.

He flashes a smile at Mike who is none the wiser of what he just told Hailey with his eyes and excuses himself, quickly slipping out of the sliding glass door as he lets the tears fall.

It is dark in the corner of Molly’s he had retreated to away from all the commotion that was happening around the bar.

He watches Hailey beam at her girlfriends who were trying to get a closer look at her displayed left hand, and he slinks back farther in his chair, picking at the label of his untouched beer.

He always had a hard time drinking without Hailey and she was busy right now.

Adam, Kevin and Voight are patting Mike on the back in a congratulatory manner and while Jay knows it is irrational, he feels somewhat betrayed by his closest friends.

He wishes that they were clapping him on the back in congratulations instead and that he was in the center of attention along with Hailey, but he forces himself to recognize that it is his fault that things are unfolding this way.

He’d had chances but he never thought Hailey would actually settle down with this man he despised for the sole reason that he was not him.

Jay fully recognized he was a fool for thinking he did not have to work for her. He knew he was a fool for thinking she would eventually break-up with Mike, and he would be waiting for her and then they would live happily ever after like some damn fairy tale romance.

He knew better than that.

Picking at the fraying label again, Jay sees Hailey flash around the diamond on her finger and he cannot help but think of the ring that he bought on a whim after seeing it in a local storefront.

He had randomly seen it one day and thought that if he were ever to propose to someone, he wanted it to be with that ring.

He had seen it and he had immediately thought of Hailey.

He does not know why he bought it, but he did, and he now knows that it will never be given to the person it was intended for.

The ring flashes and Jay thinks his ring would look better on her finger.

Hailey beams and Jay thinks her smile is not as bright as it used to be.

He takes a sip of his now lukewarm beer and Jay thinks he should probably get used to drinking without Hailey.

“Come in.”

He opens the door and cannot help but gasp.

She looks beautiful.

Her hair pinned out of her face, blonde curls cascading down her back, a veil clipped in place with a sparkling barrette. Her dress is elegant but simple and it fit Hailey perfectly.

She is standing in front of a tall full-length mirror, admiring her reflection when she turns to softly smile at him, “What’re you doing in here?”

He notices Kim crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes as she stands off to the side getting herself ready, “No boys allowed.”

He has to tear his gaze away from Hailey to glance at her, “Yeah, well, I had to come see my best friend before she became a married woman.”

Kim’s eyes soften and Hailey looks over at her, gently nodding towards the door, “Could you give us a few minutes?”

“Of course,” She gives them both a look like she knows they are about to close a chapter that they never got right before she disappears out the door.

Jay clears his throat, “You look absolutely stunning, Hailey.”

Her cheeks flush and she gives him a once over, picking up the skirt of her dress to approach him, stopping only a few inches in front of him. Reaching out, she quickly straightens his bowtie and takes a step back, cocking her head with an affectionate smile, “And you look very handsome.”

She meets his eyes, blue on green and he cannot help but just stare because after this, she is Mike’s forever and always and it would not be right to stare at her like he wants her.

Somehow, he does not think that her being married will stop him from wanting her, but he will try.

He is drinking her in like this is the last time he is seeing her and in a way it is. This is the last time where he can look at her with the hope of someday being more.

There are so many things left unsaid and he can see his own anguish reflecting back at him; hopes and promises and dreams swimming in her eyes, fading away with each passing second. A future that could have been theirs and will now only stay alive in quiet imaginings and forbidden dreams.

He could tell her. Right here and right now. That he loved her. That they could work. That he never wants to be without her, but it was her wedding day, and he could not do that to her.

He was too late, and it would not be fair for him to beg for her now when she had already given him every opportunity.

So, he accepted the gentle kiss she bestowed on his cheek, and he looked back into her watery eyes, heartbroken and sad.

They stared into each other’s eyes and a thousand memories of laughing and crying and comfortable silences and shared looks flooded in like a painful smile because he was the guest, and she was the bride.

The first time they rolled up to a crime scene after she and Mike tied the knot was one that would stay with him but not because the case they’d caught was gruesome or personal.

It was because of her.

She looked the same. She talked the same. She had that same bright smile and brilliant sparkle in her eye, but it was different now.

She was a married woman and the person that came back from her honeymoon was a slightly different person than he knew—a person he would never get to know because only her husband was privy to the person she was behind closed doors.

And he was not her husband and that crushed him almost to the point of not being able to function.

Jay never knew he could grieve so much for a person who was still by his side every day.

He tries to ignore the simple wedding band she wore now and thinks if he could just pretend she wasn’t married then their days would be no different. He could still have that intimate partnership with her and maybe he could imagine for a little while that they were just perpetually on the precipice of something more even though he knew nothing could ever happen now.

But then they were there, at the first crime scene where he was Jay, the single partner and she was Hailey, the married one.

Nodding at the patrol officer, he introduced himself, “Detective Halstead,” he then gestured to Hailey, “This is Detective Upton.”

She glanced at him, and he shook his head. Right, not Detective Upton.

“I mean Detective Martin.”

He curses himself and tries not to look too sick at the now constant reminder she was not and never will be his as he watched his newly married partner, Hailey Anne Martin walk off with the patrol officer.

He could not help but think his own last name sounded much better with hers than Mike’s did.

Jay forces himself to follow them with the sounds of Hailey Anne Halstead echoing in the back of his mind—taunting him, reminding him of the future he had just lost for good.

Almost a year later, when Hailey disappeared into Voight’s office looking a little unsure and maybe even a little sad, he was scared he was about to lose the only thing keeping them together now.

But when she announced her pregnancy a few weeks later, the subtle shifts in her behavior suddenly made sense, his heart dropping to his feet. He put on a smile for her, but it was hard when her smile held that same sadness and regret it had on her wedding day.

If the dreams haunting him for weeks after that were of little feet and giggling faces that had her features mixed in with his, well.

He would never admit it.

“Hi.”

She looks up, a dulled sparkle in her eye, “Hey.”

He nods to the bundle in her arms, afraid to get too close and see the baby that looks nothing like him and a lot like Mike, “What’s his name?”

She smiles, happy but there is still something in her expression that is achingly sad, “Meet Jay Robert Martin.”

He blinks. An odd lump forming in his throat, “Really?”

She chuckles a little at that and nods her head, “Yes, really.”

He blinks again, “Why?”

She shrugs, “Because you’ve saved my life more times than I can count and I—"

She hesitates. She was going to say it, he could see it in her eyes, but she settles for the phrase, “And because I care a lot about you” instead.

She named the baby after him. He is honored, but inside he is devastated because that could have been his son in her arms bearing his name.

Instead of being called daddy, he would be called Uncle much like the rest of the unit and if that did not break his heart more than it was already broken.

He is happy for her, truly, but he knows that some part of him is always going to see the life where he is Hailey’s husband and the father of her children.

And sometimes he cannot help but think Hailey sees that too.

She’s there.

Standing in the back, smiling at him and he wishes that she were standing next to him, but that was not her place, and it had not really ever been hers regardless of how much he wished it.

He shakes Voight’s hand and then turns to shake the Superintendent’s outstretched grip, graciously accepting the round of applause from the audience, blushing at his teammates hoots and hollers.

He walks off the stage and is vaguely aware of the congratulations and hearty slaps he was receiving. He responds with the proper amount of enthusiasm, but his eyes are always looking at her.

Excusing himself, he leaves the group, missing the way they all exchange a melancholy look of understanding. One they have exchanged many times before.

He approaches her and he notices the way her smile does not fully reach her eyes and he is always wondering if she also imagines a universe in which they are all there together and happy and one big family.

“Sergeant Jay Halstead,” She hums out, her smile growing into a warm smirk, “I have to admit, it has a nice ring to it.”

She is loving and affectionate and she is looking at him with all the feelings she is not supposed to have, and he can feel his throat closing up.

He forces out a quick grin, “Thanks.”

She is still looking at him, her eyes holding everything she cannot say aloud, and Jay tries to come up with something to say because he cannot take her looking at him like this. Not today. Not right now.

Not ever, really.

“I uh, I thought you weren’t going to make it,” He furrows his brows, “Didn’t Robby have a game tonight?”

Hailey shakes her head, her smile turning a little sadder, “I wasn’t about to miss my partner getting a promotion.”

She looks away for a brief second before looking back at him and Jay thinks he can see the glisten of tears in her eyes, “Although I guess you’re my Sergeant now, not my partner anymore.”

Tears sting his own eyes and his heart squeezes tight in his chest.

She is right.

They are not partners anymore. He just got a promotion; Intelligence is his and now he is her sergeant.

He should be excited but he’s not. He’s mourning the loss of the only thing that’s keeping them together now and it hurts so bad because he is losing her.

He is always losing her with each day that passes.

“She’s beautiful, Mike.”

The other man grins, “Yeah, we like her all right.”

Jay smiles but his heart is not in it.

Like always, he is touched that Hailey includes him in her big life events and like always, he is truly happy for her, but it also serves as a painful reminder of the life he wanted to have with her.

He is grateful to be in Hailey’s life at all and he would not give up the relationship they have now for anything, but he also thinks that it is some kind of cruel punishment that he is constantly forced to watch her love and grow a family with a man that is not him.

“And did you see those dimples?” Mike has a dreamy look on his face and his eyes shone proudly, “Perfect just like her mother’s.”

Yes, Jay thinks, perfect just like Hailey.

He clears his throat, tired of the way he always seems to tear up while he is with Hailey and her family because everything reminds him of the deep regrets he has been carrying around for years now.

“I like the name Annie,” He says trying to keep the conversation flowing so they do not lapse into an uncomfortable silence like they are prone to do.

He has never been close to Hailey’s husband and Jay knows this is because he is in love with the man’s wife. On some level, Jay thinks that Mike is aware of this and that is why neither of them have ever tried.

In any case, Jay does not think he could ever really be friends with anyone who is married to the girl he loves.

Mike shifts his weight to lean against the banister making the old porch creak slightly, “It was my great-grandmother’s name. We also liked it because it is similar to Hailey’s middle name.”

Jay nods absentmindedly and thinks about how lucky that little girl is to have Hailey as a mom. He always thought she would make a great mother regardless of who fathered the children, and he was right.

If he were to ever have children, he would only want Hailey as their mother and that is how he knows he will never have children.

“It means a lot to Hailey that you are here tonight,” Mike breaks the silence and Jay glances at him from his place sitting on their porch steps.

“I wouldn’t miss it,” He manages a sincere smile because he is telling the truth.

He would not miss welcoming Hailey’s daughter into the world even if it did hurt.

“She loves you, you know.”

Jay feels his heart stop in his chest and his mouth dry up, “What?” It came out garbled and he is looking at Mike like he just grew antlers.

Mike’s eyes meet his and Jay is shocked to see the depth of knowledge in the other man’s gaze.

He cannot help think that perhaps he was not as subtle as he thought he was regarding his feelings for Hailey.

“And I know you love her so I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”

He cannot come up with a proper response.

Or any type of response really because he is still gaping speechless at Mike who is now staring off into the night sky.

“We’re just partners,” The statement falls off his lips in a conditioned response.

It is the words he always used to describe his and Hailey’s relationship back when friends and family gave him knowing looks and teasing smiles. He has not had anyone question his feelings for Hailey in a long time and he feels slightly panicked that it is happening now and by her husband no less.

Mike shakes his head, scoffing lightly as he looks back into the night sky, “I don’t think you two were ever just partners. I’ve known that from the very beginning, but I liked Hailey and I wanted to be with her as long as she would stay with me.”

Jay blinks and he does not know what to say or how to react. He does not know where this is going, and he does not like not knowing.

“I know a part of her will always love you, but I love her enough to be with her on any terms even if that means not having her whole heart,” Mike sighs, pausing for a brief second, “I won’t lie and say that it doesn’t hurt at times, but I know how lucky I am that I even got her at all.”

Jay just stares at him, finally managing to get out a “Why?”

Why is he telling him this? Why now?

Mike seems to understand what he is asking, and he turns to face him, “She doesn’t say anything about it obviously, but I know it’s getting harder and harder for her to see you; to work with you every day.”

Jay definitely does not like where this is going.

Mike looks directly in his eyes and there is a hard edge there that he has never seen from the man before, “I know she has more than enough experience to make Sergeant, but she doesn’t want to take the test because she thinks you need her. You are holding her back, Jay, and I think it is time that you let her make a life for herself outside of Intelligence.”

All he can do is stare at the man. He wants to rail and shout and tell him that he cannot dictate what Hailey does with her life or tell him what to do but some part of him deep down knows that Mike is right.

Maybe it is time to let her go but it is so hard because he is not ready to give her up.

And it hurts too. God, it hurts so bad, and he thinks that it will always hurt because he knows what he and Hailey had was real and true, but their timing was just always off.

His heart is breaking because even though he is not with Hailey in the way he wants, she is still the best thing in his life and the thought of giving that up makes him physically sick.

He is aware of Mike moving towards the front door. He pauses and looks over his shoulder.

“Goodnight, Jay.”

He is left on the porch, and he can hear little giggles from inside the house. Hailey is laughing and there is a squeal of ‘daddy’, and he imagines Mike is swinging Robby up into the air.

It is too painful, and he thinks it will only get more painful as time goes by.

There are bright flashes and enthusiastic applause as he waits to shake her hand after the superintendent.

She turns to him. He is smiling at her but there are tears in his eyes. She is carrying herself proudly but there is anguish written all over her face.

They are both torn. He wants her to succeed in everything, but he does not want to lose her. She wants to advance her career, but she does not want to leave him.

They stood there, looking at each other, saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything.

The world spins obliviously around them as they become strangers who share long lost memories and quick smiles every once in a while.

It is a peaceful night out, the air humid and warm and it feels like the perfect summer night. The sun has almost disappeared over the horizon, a soft glow painting the trees and the houses along the street.

He is sitting alone on the porch steps listening to the chaos that is happening through the screen door and when he hears it swing open, he does not need to turn to see who it is because he already knows.

She sits down beside him, leaving a few feet of space in between them and does not say anything, just stares into the dusky night.

“I can’t believe Annie’s already thirteen.”

Jay glances at her before clasping his hands over his knees, nodding thoughtfully, “It seems like just yesterday she was born.”

Hailey scoffs, “Tell me about it. I don’t feel old enough to have two teenagers.”

He looks back over at her. She is still staring off into nothing in particular and Jay cannot help but notice once again just how beautiful she is. Her hair is still golden blonde, and her complexion looks as young as ever, the laugh lines around her eyes only making her seem more youthful.

“You certainly don’t look it,” It just slips out and he cannot help the way his stomach flutters when he sees her cheeks flush like they used to when he flirted with her in the truck over fifteen years ago before Hailey was a wife and a mother and nothing more than his friend and partner.

They fall silent again, each watching the night become dark as they listen to the happy teenage squeals that are coming from within the house.

“Do you regret it?” She says suddenly and he glances at her, her gaze still far away.

He sucks in a breath, “What?’

She shrugs, “I don’t know,” She shakes her head, “Everything?”

He is quiet for a long moment, and he does not have to ask to know what she means.

Hailey is about to tell him to just forget it, that it was a silly question but then he opens his mouth, and she shuts hers, the tears already starting to prick her eyes as the feelings that have never dulled over the years come to the surface.

“Just because things didn’t happen between us the way that we maybe wanted doesn’t mean that you aren’t the best thing that has ever happened to me. Because you were.”

It is the closest they have ever gotten to talking about this thing that has been between them from almost the very beginning and Hailey suddenly feels transported to a day in the past when she thought one of their moments was about to turn into something more and change her life forever.

But then she remembers she is married and has two children, and she cannot have a life with Jay.

She blinks, “Yeah,” She looks at him with glistening eyes, “You were for me too.”

The church is packed with people in uniform and Jay is once again awed at Hank Voight’s reach within the city. The damn mayor was even there.

He is serving as a pallbearer along with Kevin, Kim, Adam and of course, Hailey. It is fitting that they are the ones chosen to do this because they were the ones chosen by the man himself to be in his unit and they are the ones who lasted the longest.

Jay would wager a bet that they were all more like family to Voight than he would have ever admitted, and he thinks that they all know that deep in their hearts so that is why they are doing this—to give their sergeant one last send off.

To say thank you for bringing them together and creating this family that they never would have had if it had not been for him.

“Jay,” Kevin taps his upper arm to get his attention, nodding towards the double doors in the back of the church and that is when he sees her.

She is dressed nearly identical to him, give or take a few medals and even though he would not call the CPD uniform blues highly fashionable, Hailey wears it like she has just stepped off a magazine cover.

Her eyes find his and she gives him a sad little smile like she knows that this is yet another chapter of their past closing. With each ending, the memories and the laughter and the comfortable silences are drifting away and truly becoming a thing of the past.

In a way, it almost feels like a whole lifetime ago.

She is in front of him now and they say nothing because their eyes say all they need to know. Sighing, he glances down at the floor with a heaviness he has not felt in a long time before he looks up and draws her into a hug.

He does not remember the last time he hugged her. He thinks maybe it was after she had Annie, but he tries to refrain from any physical contact with her because he is always left with wanting more.

Today, he knows they both need it, so he gives in and squeezes her tight.

The Intelligence unit they know is slowly starting to die and it hurts more than words could say.

It might sound dramatic, but it almost feels like the end of an era.

Cork and Kerry had not changed much over the years.

It was somewhat of a comfort to see some things stayed the same, but mostly, it felt like his heart was in a vice because when he looked around, he was brought right back to the moment when Hailey was telling him about her FBI offer and he was watching her walk out the door and away from a life that should have been there’s.

He sees her sitting there, her jacket thrown over the back of her seat like it had been all those years ago and even though she is clearly much older, all he can see is her bright smile and sparkling blue eyes.

“Jay,” She says it softly and he cannot help but return the gentle smile she is giving him, “You made it.”

He sits down, “Like I would ever miss this. Besides, what else is there to do?”

She smirks, “Jay Halstead getting a little bored in his retirement and old age?”

Rolling his eyes, he gives her a knowing look, “You know I never could handle not being on the job without getting restless.”

“Jay,” She lets out a little laugh, “It’s been twelve years.”

“Exactly,” He stresses, and she just shakes her head.

“You seriously need a hobby or something other than sitting around with an itchy trigger finger,” She is teasing him but there is also a hint of concern in her voice, and he knows she worries that he is lonely.

He is lonely but it is his own fault because the only person he would want to spend any time with is her and even though they both grew old, they did not do it together, so he has no wife, and he has no children.

He offers a smile and tries not to look as sad as he feels, “I did clean out my attic recently,” He reaches inside his pocket and pulls out a well-worn photograph, “And actually, I found this. I thought you might want to see it.”

He slides it across the table, and she reaches for it. He watches as she studies the picture, a melancholy look coming over her face as she gently touches the picture, whispering almost to herself, “We were so young.”

It is a picture of the whole team after what he is pretty sure was a successful raid but what draws him to the picture is the way that Hailey is leaning on him. She has her head on his chest and the grins on their faces tell him that someone probably cracked a joke as the photo was being taken.

They look happy and if you look closely, one would almost believe that he and Hailey were an item at the time but he knows that they were not.

They were almost a lot of things, and he thinks almost is one of the saddest words in the English language.

He almost kissed her. She almost told him how she felt. They were almost together.

Almost but not quite.

He looks at the picture and he wants to pretend that they are still living in that moment because even if it was only for a heartbeat, everything was perfect.

Hailey lets out a little huff, a hint of wonder in her voice, “Look at us. So full of life.”

Jay lets out a little hum of acknowledgement and Hailey looks up at him, her eyes earnest and shining with memories of a life long ago.

“Those truly were the best years, weren’t they?” She says it so reverently and it makes a lump form in his throat because while they saw hard things and went through tough times, he would go back to that point in time in an instant.

Now when he knows how important people are and how precious time is. And even if you scream and argue and fight, family is everything and you should never take anything for granted.

Now when he knows love is worth fighting for even if you are scared.

God, if he could go back, he would fight for Hailey till his very last breath and never give up no matter the outcome.

“Yeah,” He clears his throat, “Yeah, they were.”

A corner of Hailey’s screws up in some kind of half-smile and he thinks she is trying not to cry.

She shakes her head, still lost in the picture, “I’ve done a lot in my life, but this—Intelligence,” She trails off, lost in thought and gives the picture one last swipe of her thumb before passing it back to Jay.

“We were a good team,” She smiles at him, and he can see all the memories playing in her eyes.

He nods, sliding the picture back into his wallet, “Me, you, Kev, Adam, Kim, Voight—We were the best,” He gives her a gentle smile, “You made us the best.”

Hailey cocks her head, a perplexed look on her face, “What do you mean?”

“Don’t get me wrong, Intelligence was always a good unit but,” He shakes his head, “I don’t think we really became a team until after you walked in that bank. You made all of us better which made the unit better.”

He pauses before softly admitting, “You made me better.”

There are tears in her eyes, but she does not say anything. He takes a deep breath, glancing away for a second before looking back at her.

“You ever think about timing?” He does not give her a chance to answer and powers through before he loses the nerve to be honest with his feelings for her, “Time, fate, whatever dictates how and when things fall into place. It’s all so very delicate and fragile—when you think that just one slight change or difference could have set your life on a completely different path.”

Jay fidgets with the beer label and looks up at her through his eyelashes, “Today, forty-seven years ago you walked into a bank, and you saved my life. Now we are sitting here having beers and you are my best friend. Have been for forty-seven years.”

He turns to look out of the window, deep in thought, “Do you ever wonder what would have happened if we met later or earlier or not at all?”

Do you ever wonder that we met before we were supposed too? Or maybe we didn’t meet early enough?

Were we ever supposed to meet?

Those are the questions he is really asking, but then he dismisses the last question that crossed his mind because he knows that they were always supposed to meet.

He is better because of her.

He is not married, and he does not have children, but his life was full nonetheless because of her, and he would not trade that for anything.

“Timing really is everything, isn’t it?” She speaks softly, and he knows what they are each really saying just like all those years ago in this same bar when they were talking in vague metaphors about gaining and losing.

They had the chemistry. They had the love. They had the whole damn universe, but the timing was always off.

They were a perfect fit, he and Hailey, there was just too much going on for them to see it until it was too late and then they were too afraid to do anything about it.

Hailey looks at him and he looks at her and it seems like they are looking at each other for the first time in years. And just like back then, there is so much love in their glance. And yet somehow the timing is still not right—she is still married, and he is not the kind of man to break up a marriage no matter how much he loves her.

And it seems that this is how it will always be for the two of them—like thunder and lightning—their timing would always be a little bit off.

He is sitting in the back alone. No one has noticed him which is fine because he does not want to talk.

He pulled out his old uniform for this and he feels strange wearing it after all this time, but it was the very least she deserved.

It does not seem real. She was always so strong, her voice always a phone call away and he did not want it to be real.

He watches as her family sniffles at the front of the church, each taking turns looking into the casket to say goodbye and he cannot bring himself to go up there. He does not want to see her laying there lifeless because in his mind, in his memory, Hailey was anything but and he does not want to mar those images.

Besides, Hailey’s family is up there and while he knows they love her, he cannot help but think of the family that should be up there.

The family that was forged through tough cases, long nights, emotionally charged moments, blood, sweat and tears.

Because that’s the family that really knew her. They knew what ticked her off, what rubbed her the wrong way and how to make her smile when she was tried and worn-thin.

He’d known.

They had seen her at her weakest, at her most fierce, and the way she fought like a bat out of hell when she needed to.

He’d seen.

But his place is not up there with her children and grandchildren and her husband. It is here in the back where he can remember the person she was to him, to her unit, to her community because he is the only person left that will ever really know.

He sits and he grieves for her, and he grieves for the life that he wanted. The life that they could have had had the universe not gotten in the way one too many times and had they not been so scared to take that leap.

He wants to go tell every young boy that loved a girl, yell it till he was blue in the face that it was never too complicated or too hard or the ‘wrong timing’. Not if the love was real. It was worth the fight, always.

Quietly, he slips from the shadows and slowly makes his way out to his truck. He is old, but all those years of keeping in shape paid off because he is pretty spry for an 85-year-old man. He could not run like he used to, but he is still sharp enough to recite every ordinance in the book and his vision is still 20-20 so he is able to live alone, and he can still drive himself to wherever he wants.

He hoists himself up in the truck he had bought after he retired. It is the same make and model of his favorite truck he had had during his partnership with Hailey, only a newer year, but it still smelt the same and looked the same and he almost did not get it because it reminded him of so many memories of them together.

Looking over to his right, he can almost see her now. Her eyes bright and her hair shining as she settles into her place, reaching for the radio to toggle through the channels as she laughs at something he said.

The memory is frozen in time, and he wants to always remember those moments when they were in the in between, waiting for something more to happen until it didn’t, and they were back to strictly being best friends.

But even after she started dating Mike and after she got married, they still had that special connection. The one where they could just look at the other and know that something was off; they could still exchange looks across the room and know what the other was thinking.

Just because she was not his did not mean they suddenly did not know every little thing about the other one.

Just because she was not his did not mean he loved her any less.

Jay blinks hard, still looking at the empty seat beside him.

Even through it is not the same truck and she has not sat beside him in years, he knows that seat will always be hers.

He turns the ignition on and carefully pulls out into the street in no particular direction, just driving and seeing all the memories that he has with Hailey in every part of Chicago play out like a movie of their best years.

He does not know why but he ends up driving to the 21st district. The roll-up is full of cars he does not recognize but his spot that he parked in every day for almost 20 years is empty, so he swings his truck into the space like he has done a thousand times before.

It is like he is not in control of his body as something forces him out of the truck and into the district. The codes are still the same and he ends up in the bullpen—it still houses Intelligence, but he does not know it’s current members as intimately as he knew his team.

They are all young and eager and smart and when he sees them it is like he is transported back in time when he, Hailey, Kim, Kevin and Adam were the rising stars of the CPD, and they were the unit everyone looked to when they needed answers.

Jay thinks they must be out running surveillance because the room is empty and there are mugshots of up and coming shot callers for the Latin Players, so they are clearly in the middle of working a case.

The room is still basically laid out like it was when he was in the unit. He can still see Kim grinning at Adam who is covering his head from the paper balls Hailey is throwing at him, Kevin standing off to the side shaking his head in amusement.

He can still hear the laughter and the arguments and the teasing. He can still smell the coffee in the air and feel the sunlight streaming through the windows like nothing had ever changed but it had because now he is the only one left who remembers that point in history.

Jay gravitates toward his desk, the one he sat at when he was just the other detective in the unit, the one that was right across from Hailey’s and when he sits down in the seat for the first time in years, he notices the single envelope sitting on the desk.

He is surprised to see his name scrawled across the front and tears prick his eyes because he immediately knows who it is from.

Even after all these years, he would recognize her handwriting anywhere. The slightly messy, looping scrawl he used to tease her for.

He does not know how this got here or how Hailey knew he would be here, but he should not be surprised because she always did know him better than he knew himself.

The way his hands are shaking has nothing to do with his old age as he opens the envelope and pulls out what appears to be a letter handwritten by Hailey. Unfolding the paper, he uses a hand to wipe away the tears that have already gathered there at just the sight of her familiar handwriting.

He begins to read, and he can hear her voice just as clear as if she were there reading it to him with a fond smile playing at her lips.

To my dearest Jay,

If you are reading this it means that I am no longer here. I have to say, I am impressed you managed to outlive me because for a while there I thought for sure you were going to die well before your time because you kept getting shot.

He cannot help but chuckle because of course, she would find a way to shove that back in his face one last time.

There is a lot I want to say. More than I could ever write in a letter because I don’t think I could ever fully articulate my thoughts and feelings. I never really had to do that with you anyway—you always just knew but I am not there to tell you so I guess I will just have to do my best here because I need you to know how much you mean to me.

I have so many regrets regarding us and I’m not saying this to make you feel bad. I want you to know that I truly loved my life and I lived it as fully as I could, but I need you to know how much I wish thing between us could have worked out differently.

Because I love you, Jay.

“Oh Hailey,” He choaks out, tears dripping onto the sheets of paper, “I love you too. So much, you have no idea.”

Not for the first time Jay is crushed by the fact he never managed to say those words out loud to her and it is even more heartbreaking that he will never get another chance to let her know how much she means to him.

He blinks rapidly and forces himself to keep reading.

There I finally said it after all these years… Or wrote it down anyways.

I love you and I have always loved you and I will always love you.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and I love my children, but Jay—you were always the one for me. Always.

I love Mike but I don’t think I was ever in love with him. Not in the way I was with you.

I could never fall for Mike or anyone else for that matter because they were not you.

He knows what she means because that is the reason he has never settled down. There was really no one after he met Hailey and honestly, he had no interest because everyone paled in comparison to her.

It is not that he did not want to date, or that he was choosing not to out of spite or pettiness, he just knew that he would never love anyone like he loved Hailey and he did not think that was fair to someone.

He honestly did not want to love someone that was not Hailey, and he was okay with that.

I was never one to really believe in fate or destiny or the concept of soulmates, but Jay, I think you were mine.

You were always my best friend and then you were my soulmate.

I think I always knew you were it for me—I knew I wanted it to be you, but I don’t think I really realized how much it was supposed to be you until after it was too late. Until I was old and grey, and I had lived my life always feeling like something was missing.

I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but it was you. I always knew that even before I forced myself to move on because I thought we had missed our chance. God, what I wouldn’t give to go back and just wait for however long it took—even if we never ended up together because I missed you.

I missed you every time we drifted further apart, and I missed you when we were together—I missed you because I knew I could never have you in the way I needed.

And I’m not talking in a lustful sense—I wanted to tell you things and spend time with you and do all the things we used to do before Mike. I couldn’t share my secrets and my feelings and my thoughts with the one person I wanted because I had a husband waiting for me at home. A husband who was expecting me to tell him all the things I used to tell you.

I wanted you. The person that knew me better than I knew myself. The person that was there from what felt like the very beginning.

I needed you. The person who went through hell and back with me, who never let me go and who never ever let me down.

But timing is everything just like you said, and I really do believe we were right for each other. Once upon a time we were supposed to be together.

But it is a cruel world, and the reality is life changes before you can even blink and then suddenly everything that you had is no longer familiar to you.

I do believe you were supposed to be my last love, the person I was supposed to grow old with, but I sometimes think that maybe we met too soon or not soon enough, or something happened, and we messed everything up because we went against fate.

We were so perfect for each other but somehow, the universe always found a way to tear us apart—your dad, Adam, Kelton, you being shot, New York…my decisions.

It’s like when everything you could ever want is right in front of you but no matter what you do, you can’t catch it.

And like I said before, I loved the family I had but there was a part of me that was always imagining you cooking in a house we picked out and babies playing in the floor that looked a little like me and a little like you.

It’s pathetic really how much I still dreamt it would be me and you at the end.

And, I guess in a way, it is. Me and you, here in the bullpen where it all started.

The end of our story right where it began.

It wasn’t a story out of a fairy-tale. Not by a long shot—our story was full of tears and panic and heartbreak and crushed dreams and disappointment and regret and we certainly didn’t get our happily ever after, but it was beautiful too.

Sometimes I think it would have been without a doubt easier if I had never met you, but then I wouldn’t have known the warmth of your smile or the joy I felt when I heard you laugh.

I would have missed out on the trust and the joy and the love and my life would have held far less meaning than it did.

All of the times we spent drinking and crying and laughing. The memories, the thoughts, the feelings—I carried them all in my heart close and dear and I pulled them out from time to time when missing you got overwhelmingly too much.

Like now as I write this letter. Like always really.

I could write forever and never tell you all that is in my heart, but I just wanted you to know how much I loved and dreamt of you. How much I wished and regretted.

I don’t really know what happens now. I don’t know what life is after death which is funny seeing as how we looked it in the face every day over the course of several decades, but I was never scared of it. The only thing I was really scared of was losing you, so I guess I’m telling you to hurry up and join me wherever I am.

Now, don’t take this as permission to go get yourself shot. Take your time, but also not too much time, okay?

Kind of ironic I’m telling you it’s okay to die whenever after I spent so many years begging you not to, isn’t it?

But you always did say you’d follow me anywhere, so I guess I’m telling you it’s okay to follow me now.

I love you, Jay Halstead.

Your partner always,

Detective Hailey Anne Upton

Fresh teardrops cover days old, dried ones and it is not lost on him that she signed her name the way she was signing it when he met her.

He sees a flash of blue eyes and blonde ponytail striding into a bank. Her voice echoing in his mind, sharp and clear as she declares that she is Detective Upton from Robbery-Homicide.

Back when she was his.

Jay slowly places a kiss over the loopy handwriting before pocketing the letter reverently and pushing himself up from his desk.

He walks down the main stairs, ignoring the hustle and bustle of police officers moving about the district and he sees moment after moment of his partnership with Hailey play out with each step he takes.

Down the front steps, turning the corner, sitting on the bench that has been there ever since he could remember.

How many lunches from a local food truck has he shared with Hailey on this bench?

He sits there and he remembers. He remembers all of the ‘I’d follow you blind’s’ and ‘we’ll always be good’s’.

All the times he looked beside him to find her laughing or smiling or teasing. The times she let him in and showed him the deepest, darkest parts of herself. The times where she pushed him, and he pushed her.

Always behind or beside or in front, watching his six and keeping his head on straight when the load got too heavy.

Every raid and stakeout and bust. All the times she was his right-hand man, his sounding board when he did not know what to do.

She always had the answer.

He knows he would have never made it without Hailey, and he does not know how he will make it now.

He blinks, reaching into his pocket for the letter and he sits there until day turns into night staring at her handwriting leaping up at him.

He sits there and he misses her.

He sits there and he closes his eyes.

He sits there and he looks for her.

And then he sees it. Her youthful smile looking at him, welcoming him, loving him and he smiles back.

God, he missed her.

Of course, he missed her. She was his partner.

#Chicago PD #upstead #upstead fanfiction #hailey upton #jay halstead #please don't kill me

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onechicago-upsteadrhekker · 3 years ago

Text

the trouble with wanting (is i want you) - part three

Friends!

It’s here! Finally! The last part to my version of Hailey’s time in New York!

I know it took a while me to post everything, but better late than never I guess! I hope this lives up to your expectations and I can’t wait to see what you think of it!

Huge shoutout to @anniesardors and @imjustwritingg for hearing and reading all the things and just being the biggest hype girls of all time!

Please enjoy this fluffy chapter before we get served a whole host of angst in the season finale tomorrow lol. Also, just a forewarning, it’s a long one... Like over 10,000 words so you’re welcome haha.

Tagging: @imjustwritingg, @anniesardors, @thetwit, @angelsjedi, @chichichicken, @carissalizz, @maya-asturias, @stephanie708, @cpd5777

Read on AO3

It was nearing eleven in the evening and Hailey didn’t think she’d ever been so exhausted from the events of the day. Being released from the hospital and Jay’s mandatory five laps around the floor of the hotel had taken its toll on her.

It was a good kind of exhausted though because today, she had fallen in love with Jay Halstead all over again.

With every gesture and smile and look he gave her she fell in love with him again and again. His strong, but gentle hands, his heart always so kind and his eyes filled with an affection that made her heart ache in the best way.

Even though her side was killing her, she felt so incredibly grateful to have him with her because the devotion he’s shown to her over the past few days, and especially today, made her once again realize that he truly was one of a kind.

And spending the day with just him, laughing and joking and asking each other silly questions almost made getting injured worth it.

She yawns through a giggle, her eyes shining bright as she listens to him wrap up a hilarious retelling of a time when he was on patrol. For one of her questions, she’d asked him for his craziest experience on the beat and he’d launched into a story about him and his old partner responding to a burglary call at two in the morning.

A man had claimed that he had been robbed and was missing five pounds of bacon but upon further investigation, it turned out the wife had been sneaking into the kitchen for a late-night snack.

“We did get some bacon out of it,” he laughs, looking up at her from where he was laid out at the end of the bed. “So, it wasn’t all bad.”

Shaking her head in amusement, she stifles another yawn with her hand and Jay gives her an affectionate smile and a pointed look, both of which she’s become quite familiar with by now.

“As much as I love this, I think it’s time for someone to go to bed.”

She arches an eyebrow, trying not to look as tired as she really felt. “So, I have a bedtime now?”

“When you’ve been shot and are taking some pretty heavy pain killers you do,” Jay smirks and she knows that not only is he right about her needing rest, but he is also getting payback for all of the times she had forced him to bed using the same argument.

He glances at his watch, the smirk growing, “Oh, and look at that. It’s time for another round of meds.”

Hailey gives him a look and scrunches up her nose, still not thrilled with the idea of taking them, but silently thankful that they should knock her out for a few hours. Shaking out a few pills into an open palm, Jay grabs a fresh bottle of water from the mini fridge and gives the items to her.

“Do you want a shower tonight?” He asks as she throws the pills back in one go and takes a gulp of water to swallow them down with.

Wiping at her lips with her shirt, she shakes her head. “I took one this morning before you got to the hospital, so I’m good.”

“Alright,” he nods, leaning down to pick an empty plastic bag that had floated to the floor. “Why don’t you get ready for bed then? I’ll clean up out here and then help you change your bandages.”

Hailey carefully climbs out of the spot she’s been sitting in for most of the day and pads over to the chest of drawers she had finally unpacked in when it was clear she would be staying in New York for more than two weeks. She pulls out an oversized police academy shirt and a pair of running shorts before turning to rifle through the small duffle that Jay had packed for her hospital stay for her toothbrush.

She makes her way into the bathroom and even though her back is to him, Hailey is still very much aware of every move Jay makes as he busies himself with tidying the room and washing their dishes.

It all seems so domesticated and easy, like something they’ve done a thousand times before, and yet it feels different than if they were in one of their apartments doing the same sort of thing after pizza and beers.

There was something about knowing Jay couldn’t just hop in his truck to go home if he felt like it or that she couldn’t hide away in her own bedroom for a few minutes when the overwhelming urge to kiss him comes over her and it makes her heart beat erratically inside her chest.

She rinses her mouth out and takes a deep breath to steady herself before leaving the bathroom now dressed in her pajamas.

Jay places the last dish away as she comes out, turning to look at her with another easy smile that makes her knees week. She thinks it should be illegal for someone to look that handsome doing such a mundane task, but then again, it’s Jay and she knows he looks good in anything and everything he does. She doesn’t even have to work with him every day to know that.

She sits on the edge of the bed and Jay makes his way over to her silently, gauze and medical tape in his hands. Lifting her oversized shirt, she keeps it from falling down with an arm crossed just below her breasts and she thinks for a moment that there should be some sort of initial awkwardness at being this close, that she should feel uncomfortable, but there isn’t, and she doesn’t.

Jay had been there when the nurses had first changed her bandages, had carefully studied their movements as they showed him what to do when she got home, but now that they were here, his hands touching her and just the two of them in a hotel room it was almost too much.

His fingers were gentle, but nimble as he carefully undid the bandages taped to her stitched side and Hailey couldn’t help thinking how his hands were more reassuring and comforting than even the nurses with all their experience and technique.

“Cop who scares you the most?” The sudden question almost makes Hailey jump, not expecting him to speak and she wonders if maybe the silence was getting to him too.

She blinks but doesn’t have to think too hard on this one. “Platt, for sure.”

“You?” She questions and she can hear the smile in his voice when he gives the same answer she had a second ago.

As his fingers continue working over her injury, she can’t help the way her heart rate quickens. Can’t stop the goosebumps from popping up all over her skin. If he notices the way she shivers just slightly, he doesn’t show it as he begins to apply the fresh gauze over her side.

“Did you always wanna be a cop? Before you met Platt, I mean,” he asks then. She hates the way it catches her off guard again, but also feels grateful for the distraction instead of thinking about his hands moving over her body.

“Um, no, actually. I was really into gymnastics when I was younger. I remember watching the Olympics with my brothers and just loving the way they all moved through the air. Did it for a couple years but didn’t stick with it. Obviously,” she says as he puts some slight pressure on her side to apply some medical tape over the gauze.

“I’m sorry. I know this part hurts,” he says immediately, his fingers stilling, and she shakes her head.

“It’s okay,” she breathes out through gritted teeth.

She takes another deep breath and feels him begin to move his hands over her side again a moment later. Instead of thinking about the discomfort and pain, she puts her focus back on the way his fingers feel on her skin. The way his hands have taken down some of the most hardened criminals of Chicago, but here he is, as gentle and as soft as can be with her. Like he always is.

His hands leave her side a moment later and then she hears him whisper from beside her. “All done.”

She nods and pulls down her shirt before slinking further into the bed and carefully lying on her uninjured side as comfortably as she could. She watches him as he cleans up the medical supplies and disposes of her dirty bandages before turning off the main light of the room.

There’s just the nightstand lamp on, now casting a softer glow throughout the room.

Hailey took another deep breath, trying to breathe as quietly as she could as she listened to Jay moving around the room on the other side of the bed. Her heart was starting to beat wildly again with anticipation as she waited for the inevitable dip of the bed when he was ready to turn in for the night.

She could hear his footsteps fall softly, the door to the bathroom closing shut as quietly as possible and she knows he’s trying hard not to disturb her. It didn’t matter though; she’s so hyper-aware of him, every noise he made echoed loudly in her ears.

If she were being honest, the thought of them sharing a bed had plagued her mind well before she’d been sent to New York and he’d hopped on a plane when she’d gotten hurt five weeks later. When it dawned on her that this meant that her bed-sharing fantasies had a high probability of coming true, her nights had been filled thinking about this moment more than she would ever admit.

Generally, she wasn’t an over thinker, but when it came to this, her mind had raced with the possibilities and each scenario had played out in her mind like a scene from a cringy rom-com.

The bathroom door opened, and her eyes flew shut. He moved silently over to the empty side of the bed and there was some rattling on the nightstand as he plugged his phone in and took his watch off. When it was quiet again, she waited for him to climb in beside her, but she could almost feel his hesitation.

She was about to tell him it was okay, and she didn’t mind sharing; that the bed was big enough for both of them, but then he climbed in next to her like it was just any other night. Like it was completely normal, and he’d been sleeping beside her for years.

It wasn’t a night of passionate frenzy and tangled limbs or awkward small talk over them sharing a bed.

It just was.

“Jay?”

He barely heard it, but it was enough for him to wake up.

Turning over quickly, he squinted, trying to see Hailey through the darkness, “Hailey?” He rasped groggily, “You okay?”

She sighed. Or tried to. He heard it catch in her throat before she drew in a quick little breath of pain and he knows that her insomnia is probably what woke her up, but it’s her ribs and side that’s keeping her from falling back asleep.

He tried to shuffle closer to her without jostling her too much, “You in pain?”

He was close enough now to see her facial expression. Her brows were furrowed like she was upset with herself as she muttered a ‘crap’, “I’m sorry, Jay. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Blinking, he shakes his head, becoming more alert as he props himself up on an elbow, “Hey, no, you didn’t wake me up.”

It’s a lie and they both know it, but he’ll say anything to make sure she knows that he really doesn’t care about the interruption.

“How long have you been awake?” He asked, glancing at the clock on the nightstand. It was three in the morning.

Hailey does some sort of half-shrug, still laying towards him on her uninjured side, “A few hours I guess.”

Jay frowns, “You could have woken me up a long time ago.”

She still looks a little frustrated at herself, her forehead creased in pain and he knows all too well how brutal the first night out of the hospital can be.

It’s painful, coming off hospital grade pain medication administered through an IV whenever it was needed, having to now rely on low-dosage pills to get through the night.

It’s certainly not a comfortable night, not by a long shot.

And when there aren’t any nurses to answer your every beck and call, you realize just how hard everything is to do by yourself when recovering from an injury.

But she’s not by herself and he’s ready to do anything he can to help her tonight even if it is three am because she was there for him his first night home after getting shot in the shoulder and every other night when an injury was serious enough to warrant a hospital visit since she’d become his partner.

She would sleep on his couch, waking him up in the night to give him another dose of medication even if he didn’t think he needed it and she was there to gently change his bandages with comforting hands and this last time, he could have sworn he’d felt her warm lips touch his forehead as he drifted off to sleep after she’d made him his mom’s soup recipe; it was his favorite and Hailey always made it for him when he got hurt or sick after she’d found out what the recipe meant to him.

But more than that, he cares about her and this is what partners do. They look out for one another.

He’s also quickly realizing how much it hurts to see the girl you’re in love with in pain.

He’s pushing the sheets off of him, already reaching for the bottle of pills sitting on his nightstand, “I should have been more diligent about you taking these pills every four hours.”

He’s a little frustrated with himself for not setting an alarm to give her a dose during the night because now her pain is so bad she can’t sleep. Something he knows she needs to heal quickly.

Hailey carefully rolls on her back, gently holding a hand to her incision and the bruises surrounding it, “Don’t beat yourself up over it, Jay. It’s not your responsibility and I shouldn’t have been so stubborn yesterday.”

“Hey,” He sets the fresh water bottle he’d just grabbed from the fridge on the table next to the pills he’s shaken out before quickly climbing up on the bed to look at her closely.

He wants her to see how serious he is when he says this, “I will take care of you. Every time, any time, anywhere you need me. Even if you don’t think you need me, I will be there. Always, Hailey,” His eyes search hers, “You got me?”

She doesn’t say anything then or protest anymore, just nodding her head and accepting the out-stretched water and pills, quickly throwing them back before handing the bottle back to him.

They stare at each other for a few seconds too long before she blinks and he’s moving to put the half-empty water bottle back on the nightstand. He gets in the bed and waits till Hailey gingerly lowers herself back into the comfort of the mattress before he reaches out and flings the fallen covers over both of them.

He turns out the light he’d flipped on before rolling over to face her. There was a good foot between them, but he never wanted to gather her up in his arms more than he did in this moment, just quietly staring at her in the sliver of moonlight that was cast about the room.

She was breathing shallowly, her arms carefully folded in a comfortable position and her head resting peacefully on her pillow. Her blonde hair was spread out behind her and even though it was messy from sleeping, Jay didn’t think he’d ever seen anything so perfect.

He was staring at her and she was staring at him and even though neither of them had found the courage yet to admit that they fall asleep thinking about each other even when they aren’t together, they both silently knew.

They knew in the way they laughed together and in the way they sit quietly in the truck doing their job and in the way it felt right in this moment.

The world had never felt so right than in this moment, next to each other.

“Favorite memory?” It is whispered into the dark much like she’d said his name not even five minutes ago and if he hadn’t been listening to her quiet breaths, he probably wouldn’t have heard it.

A smile instantly creeps across his face at the question, and he knows he should take a minute to think about the answer to such a difficult question because how can one pick out a single favorite memory among a lifetime of them in such a short amount of time?

But he doesn’t even need a second because the answer is right in front of him.

“This. Now. Anytime I’m with you,” He answers honestly, and it feels like the most direct thing that’s been said between them regarding the feelings they both so clearly have.

He can hear her breath hitch just slightly before she breaths out a chuckle, “That’s not an answer. You gotta pick a moment.”

“Says who?” He challenges with a raised eyebrow she can barely see through the dark.

Hailey gives him a cocky little smirk, “Says me. I’m the one playing your dumb game and I’m the one asking the question, so I should be allowed to make my own rules.”

“I’m sorry. What do you mean by ‘dumb game’? This is one of greatest games of all time,” He mused airily with a hint of fake indignation, “I mean just think of all the great stuff we’ve learned about each other. It’s truly an unmatched bonding experience.”

“Uh-huh,” She couldn’t help but laugh at his overrated words of praise watching as a grin takes over his face.

“Because learning that you used to steal from Will’s hidden candy stash when you were a kid really strengthened our relationship in a special way,” She rolled her eyes.

“Well, it’s not like there’s a lot of stuff you don’t know,” He defended with a pointed look at her.

She’s still grinning that wide smile that says she thinks he’s something else, but she’s so carefree with her sparkling eyes and cheeky dimples, his heart feels like it might burst from his chest at the sight.

He’s leaning on a bent elbow, propping his head up as he gets lost in her and his expression morphs into a soft smile as he thinks about what he just said.

“We’ve spent a lot of hours together, Upton,” His eyes crinkle with fondness and Hailey feels a happy warmth settle over her as she hums in agreement, thinking of all the time they’ve spent telling story after story or just sitting in absolute silence waiting for something to happen.

It’s easy being with him. Has been since the very beginning. Even when they were figuring each other out and dealing with a lot of emotional trauma, there was never any real awkwardness.

He’s comfortable and natural and she’s never had that with anyone. That’s how she knows they are good together and that’s what lets her know that they have the potential to make this last forever.

She almost gives voice to her thoughts. Here, in the dark of a hotel room as they lay in a bed together for the first time, only a few inches separating them, but then Jay slowly starts breathing out the answer to her question and she knows it’s not their time yet even though she desperately wants it to be.

“Remember a few months ago when we all went out to Molly’s after that flesh-eating bacteria debacle?”

Hailey nods. She remembers being overwhelmed at the feeling of being carefree after the stress and terror they had all been put through in the last seventy-two hours. She remembers being thankful that she was alive, but more than that, she remembers being so very relieved that Jay was okay.

She’d had nightmares for months after that where she didn’t make the shot in time, that Jay had infected himself and lost limbs or died because of it.

“And afterwards you wanted ice cream, but everyone else wanted to go home so me and you went to get some?”

She remembers that too.

She doesn’t know why, but she’d had an intense craving for the frozen treat that night and she remembers mentioning it to the team in passing, figuring that she would just stop for a carton from the store on her way home, but then Jay said he would take her and the next thing she knew, they were down at Navy Pier getting ice cream.

She remembers thinking that it felt dangerously like a date and that they were going to get caught for being out past their curfew like a couple of teenagers.

Hailey notices his gentle smile as he gets lost in the memory and she thinks she can just barely see a blush coloring his cheeks. She wonders if he also thought the outing felt a little like they were reckless high schoolers out on a late-night date.

“That’s it. That’s my favorite memory.”

She knew that’s where he was going with this, but she still feels a little shocked hearing it, “That’s your favorite memory?”

If she sounds a little dumbfounded, it’s because she is. She was expecting him to say something about a favorite trip or something with his mom, not some random night where the two of them got ice cream.

“Out of all your memories, that’s the one you’re choosing? What about one of your birthdays or some other special occasion?” She questions again, thinking surely there is something better than a crowded night out in Chicago.

There’s a bashful look on his face, but it doesn’t diminish the contented glimmer in his eyes as he simply nods, “You asked and that’s my answer. Or do you have rules for that too?”

Hailey rolls her eyes, adjusting her head on her pillow, “No. I was just wondering why out of all the nights, that’s the one you picked.”

She doesn’t really expect him to answer, but once again he shocks her when he moves his head just slightly closer to hers and he looks at her like she’s everything he’s ever needed.

“That whole night I remember watching you laugh. Really laugh for the first time in months,” He smiles to himself as he recalls the memory, staring off into the distance, “After everything that happened with Adam and Kelton and then the outbreak, things were finally starting to look up and we were all just so thankful to be out without any stress of a case hanging over our heads.”

Jay shifts his gaze back to hers, “And then we went to get ice cream and we just talked without worrying about our team or being split up or potentially dying from a deadly bacterial infection.”

He takes a breath, “I remember being so grateful and relieved that you were okay after being in isolation, that being with you outside of work, seeing you so happy made me realize how damn lucky I am to have you as not just my partner but as my best friend too.”

Hailey has to blink back tears, not expecting the sentimental response or that it would affect her this much. She reaches out and takes the hand he has laying on the mattress, “You’re my best friend too, Jay. I hope you know that.”

She thinks she sees his eyes flit down to her lips and she thinks that this might be it, that he was getting ready to kiss her, but then he doesn’t, and she tries not to be frustrated at being constantly on edge thinking that each moment is the one that would change her life.

“What about you?” He asks, still holding the hand she placed in his.

“My favorite memory?” She arches eyebrow and he nods as she rolls slightly onto her back, staring up at the ceiling to think before answering.

Like Jay, she doesn’t have to think long, “That time I got really sick with the flu and you came over to fix me your mom’s soup recipe.”

It is his turn to look skeptical of her response, echoing the words she’d said to him, “That’s your favorite memory?”

“Yeah,” She nods before turning her head to look at him, “Even though I felt so crappy, I remember thinking that that was the first time that anyone had taken time out of their day to take care of me like that.”

“Hailey….” Jay breathed out, squeezing her hand as a feeling of protectiveness swept over him, his heart aching to hear that that was the first time she’d ever felt cared for while being sick.

“You made me feel safe when I wasn’t feeling good and in a vulnerable position,” She looks at him fervently, “You make me feel safe, Jay. On the job, when I’m not feeling well, and I’ve never had that before.”

He has that same look from the bar when she’d told him about how her dad would hit her mom and how she’d wished someone would come put her father in his place like Jay did with Shane.

What she didn’t tell him then was that even though Jay wasn’t around when she was a little girl to save her, he had already saved her by just being the kind of man he was.

The man who was selfless in his actions and who was brave without need of recognition, who was patient with his words and slow to anger.

So different from her dad.

From any man she’d met really, especially being in a highly competitive male-dominated career.

Jay’s forehead is creased like it does when he is distressed, so Hailey smiles at him and tries to lighten the mood, “I know what you’re thinking, and it wasn’t all bad. My brothers tried to be there for me, and we had fun when we could.”

She smiles, a little melancholy thinking of the brothers that she’d roughhoused with when she was younger and feels that little pang of sadness when she remembers they are not nearly as close as they were when they were kids, but regardless she knows she wants to let Jay in, so she chuckles to herself and starts to offer some insight to the good parts of her childhood.

“We used to build pillow forts all the time,” Hailey snuggles down into the bed, grinning as she recalls the all the messes they made in their hidden sanctuary that was the attic.

That’s where they would go when they wanted to pretend that they had a normal childhood. No one ever went up there except for them and it was fairly soundproof, so they felt safe to have a little fun without their father hearing.

“We would take all of the pillows and sheets and blankets off of our beds and haul them up the ladder leading to our attic and then my brothers would hang the sheets from the rafters, and we would pile the pillows underneath so we had a soft place to lay.”

There is a soft smile playing at Jay’s lips now and she’s glad she is sharing this rare piece of childhood wonder with him.

She wonders if he is imagining a little girl with blonde pigtails and a wide smile and some part of her hopes that that little girl is not her, but another little girl that plays with her siblings and instead of blue eyes she has green with two parents who are laughing right alongside her.

“I would crawl under those blankets and pretend like it was my mansion and that my brothers were my servants,” Jay laughs at this and Hailey gives a rueful smile, “Most of the time they were happy to indulge and if my oldest brother was in a really good mood, he was usually persuaded into reading to us younger kids.”

Jay smirks, “Now why do I get the impression that you had all your brothers wrapped around your little finger?”

She smirks right back, “Well, it’s not my fault that I was just so dang cute.”

“No, no it’s not,” He says softly, his expression suddenly so open and vulnerable she can’t help but blush.

She yawns, a sudden wave of exhaustion washing over her, and it effectively breaks any moment they were about to have as a smirk reappears on Jay’s face, “Looks like the meds are starting to kick in.”

Hailey noticed that the sharp, throbbing pain she’d woken up with had lessened to a dull ache and that her head was starting to feel fuzzy, so she knew he was right.

Yawning again, she let her eyes close, humming, “Tell me another story about you and Will.”

She hears him shift, and she knows he is settling into the pillows before his gentle voice overtakes her senses and she’s carried off with dreams of little Halstead boys with green eyes and red hair.[EF1]

She’s woken by a beam of sunlight shining straight into her eyes and the last thing she remembers is listening to Jay’s soothing voice as he told her about the time he fell out of his second-story bedroom window because Will had reversed all the locks in the house as a prank and he was trying to get out.

Apparently, the only thing that had saved him from breaking something was the shed that was under his window and Hailey remembered thinking as she drifted off to sleep that it truly was a wonder that Jay had lived this long between his childhood misadventures and his penchant for getting shot in adulthood.

Turning, she is half-expecting to find him asleep beside her, but he is not there, and the mattress is cold enough that she knows he’s been gone for a while. One look at the clock tells her he has because it’s ten AM and she’s never known the man to sleep past six.

True, she’s not well-acquainted with his sleeping schedule, but she knows enough about him to know that his time in the army instilled early morning habits. Even if he was injured and she was staying with him she would find him awake by at least seven.

Carefully stretching, Hailey is pleased to find herself in significantly less discomfort than she’s experienced over the past few days and she’s hopeful that she will be able to be more mobile than she was yesterday.

She slowly pushes herself upright and looks around for any sign of Jay. His wallet and watch are missing from the nightstand and the door to the bathroom is open, so she feels safe assuming that he has gone out somewhere.

Her stomach growls and she hopes he is getting them breakfast.

It is then that she notices all the chairs and tables have been pushed to the middle of room and there are sheets stretched out over them in a semblance of a fort. The pillows that they weren’t using were thrown underneath and she feels tears prick her eyes because of course, Jay would make her a pillow fort after learning what they meant to her.

Throwing back the covers, she gently swings her legs over the edge of the bed to stand up, rubbing her eyes as a grin makes its way onto her face. She wasn’t lying when she’d told him that pillow forts were something that brought back good memories of her brothers, but she has a feeling that they may be taking on a whole new meaning to her from now on.

Of Jay and hotel rooms and lazy mornings. And if things fall into place, sometime in the future they will mean living rooms and slow kisses and little feet.

Her gaze catches the book lying on her nightstand. Her eyes sparkle as she grabs it and makes her way over to the fort, carefully squatting down so she could crawl underneath the ‘roof’ made of white sheets held up by chairs and heavy objects.

Settling comfortably on her back in the midst of the pillows piled on the floor, Hailey opens her book to her last marked page and gets lost in the world of Farewell to Arms.

She doesn’t know how much time has passed before her ears prick up at the sound of the hotel door being opened. She listens as Jay swings it open, catching it before it slams back into the latch as he softly calls out her name.

Staying quiet, she hears the crinkle of bags being sat on the kitchen countertop, Jay calling out her name a second time before he’s silent again, his footfalls coming closer to her spot under his fort.

She watches as his legs appear in her line of vision, his head suddenly making an appearance a few seconds later when he swoops down.

Hailey grins, “Hi.”

Jay grins back in amusement, “Hi,” He squats down in front of her, still just outside the fort, “I take it you found my surprise?”

“Mmhm,” She hums, the sparkle in her eyes softening sincerely, “Thank you, Jay. And not just for this, but for everything you’ve done for me.”

He shakes his head, “Hailey,” He pauses and huffs out an incredulous chuckle, “you don’t ever have to thank me.”

Unexpected tears spring in her eyes as his words touch her in a way she can’t quite describe. She ducks her head and blinks rapidly, trying to dissipate them before clearing her throat and looking back at Jay.

She uses her head to gesture at the space beside her and arches an eyebrow, “You coming in or what?”

Jay laughs, rolling his eyes as he slips off his shoes and carefully maneuvers his tall frame under the sheet roof.

Laying down next to her, he notices the book laying loosely in Hailey’s hands. He nods to it, giving it a pointed glance before looking at her and smirking playfully, “You want me to read to you?”

This time, she rolls her eyes and lets her body sway to gently bump him, “You want to read Ernest Hemingway to me?”

Shrugging, he plucks the book out of her hands and flips through it, “You got anything else?”

“No,” She shakes her head, “It’s the only thing I brought.”

Jay sighs as he looks at the title ruefully, “A Farewell to Arms, Hailey. Really? This is like the most depressing book on the planet.”

Frowning, she gives him an affronted look, “This is one of my favorites!”

He raises his eyebrows, shaking his head in disbelief, “I will never understand it, but okay,” He opens the book again, thumbing through the pages trying to distinguish what part she’s at because almost all the pages are dog tagged from overuse, “Where are you at?”

She diverts her gaze quickly, scrunching up her nose sheepishly before giving him a wry look, “I just got to book five.”

Jay gives her a look that says ‘really’ and huffs out a sigh as he turns to the last section, “I mean the whole book is depressing, but this is arguably the worst part.”

“But it’s so good, Jay,” She insisted, settling her head down into the pillows waiting for him to start reading.

He shakes his head again but turns his gaze to the page and starts to read, his voice gentle and lilting. Hailey thinks she could listen to him read to her for a lifetime and never get tired of hearing him.

He reads about the Henrys living in their cabin and then about Catherine preparing for the baby. When he gets to the part where she goes into labor, Jay notices a melancholy look in Hailey’s eyes as she lays quietly listening next to him, playing with her loose hair as she looks up at the billowing, white sheet.

Then he gets to the part where the doctor wants to do a C-Section and Jay swears he hears Hailey sniffling when he gets to the part where the nurse tells Frederic that the baby was dead.

He is almost to the end now, and he is surprised to find himself choking up just slightly as he reads line after line of Frederic pleading with God to save his wife. Hailey is definitely tearing up at this point and when he reads the last couple of lines, she wipes away the tears and sighs as he closes the book, clearing his own throat.

They lay there in silence for a few minutes before Jay feels like he can speak after going through that emotional rollercoaster of an ending, “God, Hailey, how do you like this?”

She shrugs, turning her head towards him and he’s slightly surprised at how close they were. If he wanted, he could barely dip his head and be kissing her.

“It’s beautiful in a gut-wrenching kind of way,” Her eyes have this inquisitive look in them, and it reminds him of how she looks when she’s going over files, trying to piece together backgrounds for motives.

He can’t help but scoff at her response, “It’s devastating is what it is. I mean the poor guy survived the war just to have his wife and child die all in one day.”

He shudders, rapidly pushing the unbidden, very unwanted image of Hailey in the same situation. God, he couldn’t even imagine, and he and Hailey were just barely on the cusp of being together.

“But it’s life,” She offers softly, a knowing look on her face and this time the look in her eyes is of someone who has seen a lot of death and unfair endings, “We know all too well how cruel this world can be.”

Jay sighs in acknowledgement, letting his head drop as they both quietly think about Hailey’s loaded statement.

He puts the book out of the way and rolls onto his side so he’s fully facing her, “Life is cruel, but it can be really beautiful too. Even in the pain.”

Hailey is quiet for a moment as she watches him, contemplating his words before she cocks her head, a strange little smile on her face, “Who knew Jay Halstead could be such a philosopher.”

Jay can’t help chuckle, his eyes crinkling merrily as he teases, “Who knew Hailey Upton could be such a sentimentalist.”

She rolls her eyes playfully, “I guess your game was good for something then. We are just partners; I guess we don’t know everything.”

She said it teasingly because they both know that they knew the things that mattered, but then Jay looks at her and she can’t quite make out the expression on his face.

“I guess so,” He murmurs back, their eyes locking, and Hailey can feel her smile fading from her face as Jay’s gaze darts to her lips.

She felt like she couldn’t breathe.

The air had shifted from light and playful into something of hopeful anticipation as they both held their breath because this was it. Somehow, she knew that this was the moment they both have been waiting for.

“Hailey,” The way he says it brings her back to flying bullets and quiet break rooms; to teary eyes and soft whispers when the threat of being spilt up was very real and too overwhelming to think about.

He’d said her name then just like he was saying it now, breathy and gentle and maybe even a little bit scared. And just maybe, Hailey thought, they had been on the edge of this for far longer than she’d even realized.

“You know, I think I have just one more question for you,” It was barely a whisper, his minty breath ghosting over her face.

Her own shallow breathing had nothing to do with her bruised ribs and stitched side but everything to do with the way his forehead was almost touching hers as they lay on their sides underneath the fort made from sheets and pillows.

The joking and the laughter and the bright sunlight of a hopeful day shining through the white sheets, surrounding her and she feels it in her bones that this is the monumental moment of their great love story—the start of a beautiful life bursting with love and tears and pain and joy and pillow forts and all the things that come with loving each other; of building a family together.

Her eyes were lidded as she looked into those brilliant green irises that she loved so much, and the feeling of warmth and affection and pure adoration washed over her as Jay’s gaze dropped to her lips before his eyes closed completely, slowly breathing her in.

Their lips were almost touching now as they lay in the quiet of a lazy afternoon of an ordinary Sunday afternoon and it was in the way it was just so natural, so comforting that made her feel like she’d just had a glass of warm milk and was now tucked up in bed.

But that tingling feeling she had low in her belly and rushing through her bones was so much better than she’d ever felt before and she knew it was much more than just an ordinary Sunday—it was an extraordinary Sunday.

“And what question would that be?” She was almost afraid to talk even at a whisper for fear of breaking the spell they were under, but the barely murmured question was filled with hope and love and affection, adding a deeper layer of warmth to the bubble they had created.

“Are we only just partners?” His nose skimmed hers as he moved his head slightly, his slightly open lips almost touching her cheek in the barest hints of a kiss.

Hailey hummed, letting out a soft little sigh as she gently ran her hands up Jay’s torso, stopping at his chest, her touch light and soft.

“Do only just partners fly all the way to New York?” It was a rhetorical question spoken in hushed tones as Jay gently nuzzled her neck before bringing his head back up to gaze at her, their lips once again mere millimeters apart. She swallowed faintly, “Because I think we both know that we aren’t just partners.”

His eyes held soft tenderness and fierce devotion, the quiet future she’d dreamed for them reflecting so clearly back at her. The pads of his fingertips touched her cheek so scarcely it almost tickled, “I’d follow you anywhere, Hailey. To New York, back to Chicago,” His gaze burned into hers and she knew he was getting ready to say the words she’d been hoping to hear for so long.

She felt the fingers of his other hand tangle with hers by their sides, “To the edge of the universe and everywhere in between. Wherever you are, I am, because you are the person I always want to come home to.”

She felt the promises land on her lips more than she heard them, his voice was so soft and quiet. And Hailey thought it was perhaps the most intimate she’d ever been with a person.

It was vulnerable and gentle and warm and just pure, unadulterated love, and she knew she would never be able to put this feeling or this moment into words, but she knows that this is where she belongs; next to him, in his arms, his heart beating under her palm.

She barely had time to whisper, “Oh Jay” before his lips were softly pressing against hers in an intentional kiss instead of fleeting brushes. It was unhurried and really quite innocent as far as kisses go, but she’d never felt more cherished than she did in that moment.

His lips just barely moved against hers, languidly filling her up as he kissed her in the way one would savor the taste of something new yet familiar.

A last first kiss.

Jay pulled back slightly, their lips still touching as he looked at her, his strong but gentle hand cupping one of her cheeks, “Because you are my home. The person I want to share it all with—the joy and the pain. The person I want to tell my secrets to. To whisper all the hopes and dreams and promises. And that’s why I love you.”

Maybe he’s crazy for telling her what he so deeply feels in his heart right away, but then he looks at her and he knows it isn’t. They were already closer than most couples ever are, and he thinks that’s what makes them so special—so different from any other relationship he’s ever had.

It isn’t crazy because it’s true and they are them.

He knows she’s already seen the truth in his eyes anyway.

When Jay walks into the hotel room later that day, arms laden with Greek takeout, he does he wanted to do last night and calls out a ‘honey, I’m home’ in a teasing manner.

Hailey smiles at him brightly, her eyes shining with the laughter that’s so clearly on her face, and he can’t help but drop a kiss on her dimpled cheek, marveling at the way tonight was so vastly different from the night before.

It was so easy now, to just drop a kiss to her cheek or her lips whenever he wanted, like he’d been doing it for years and yet, he still had that buzzy feeling of anticipation that he’d had this morning when he kissed her for the first time.

Something tells him that it’s going to always feel like that when kissing her no matter how many times he does it over the course of their lifetimes and that thought alone sends his heart racing and makes him think dangerous things like rings and vows and forevers.

He knows, he knows, it’s definitely way too early for those types of thoughts, but then again, that has never stopped him from imagining a future with her before. Before they were even together. But now they are, and it’s proving difficult to not think about the thing that he’s wanted for so long is realistically and finally within his grasp.

“What?” She’s cocking her head, her lips quirking up in a question and he realizes he’s been staring at her for the past couple of minutes.

Jay shakes his head, lips quirking up in a smile of his own, “Nothing.”

Hailey gives him an inquisitive look like she’s not entirely sure she believes him, but the grin on her face tells him she’s too happy to care. She turns back to where she is gingerly picking up the room, gathering their collective dirty laundry to throw in the washing machines downstairs and he is suddenly, once again struck with the thought of this is what he wants his future to look like.

“What are we gonna do for the next couple of days? I’m probably not up for traipsing all over New York, but we should do something other than stay in this hotel room.”

Her back is to him as she talks and continues to tidy the messy room, leaving the fort for now, but gathering up a few pillows that are laying on the floor to throw back on the bed.

“We’d both go crazy, especially considering I’m not allowed to do anything ‘physically active’ which is, not going to lie, kind of a bummer seeing as how I’ve waited for ages for you to make a move and we’re here totally alone with nothing to potentially interrupt us,” She rattles on casually like she’s talking about the weather and while he is also bummed at not being able to take that final step of being together totally and completely for another couple of weeks, he is thrilled that they have this time together to get to know each other as a couple.

There are more intimate things than just sex and those are the moments he is looking forward to. He wants to know what she finds romantic and how much she likes to cuddle and if she hogs the blankets at night or if her feet get cold.

Things that only a boyfriend would know.

He realizes she’s stopped talking and is looking at him again, this time with an eyebrow raised in exasperation, “Jay! Have you been listening to me at all?”

He blinks and shakes his head sheepishly, knowing she must have been waiting on an answer to a question he hadn’t heard.

Her eyes furrow inquisitively as she shakes her own head in slight amusement before turning back to her task, muttering something about how he was an idiot, but she loves him anyway.

“Hailey,” He blurts it out, like he’s desperate, like if he doesn’t say what he wants now then he’s afraid it’ll never happen. She looks back at him again, this time with a hint of concern on her face, but he’s just looking at her like a man in love and she’s his whole world.

“Let’s get married.”

“Well, look who it is! The elusive damsel and her brooding knight in shining armor,” Adam exclaimed, his arms flung out wide as Jay and Hailey made their way up the steps and into the bullpen.

Hailey glared at him, but the smile threatening to take over her face ruined the effect, “Ha ha, very funny. A girl goes away for a while and she’s suddenly elusive, she gets hurt and now she’s a damsel.”

She accepts the gentle hug that Adam was offering as Kevin and Kim crowded in behind them at the top of the steps, waiting for their turn to welcome her home.

“Hailey, you can’t ever leave again. Or if you do, you gotta take me with you because one more day alone with these children and I would’ve lost my mind,” Kim insists as she moves in for a hug of her own.

There was a chorus of affronted heys’ from Adam, Kevin and Jay as Hailey chuckled at the desperation in Kim’s voice.

“Also, clearly you need us watching your back because the second you go off without us, you get hurt,” The statement is meant to be funny and it gets the eye-roll it deserves, but Hailey knows this is Kim’s way of saying she’s glad she’s okay.

Hailey is sure had they been alone, Kim would have been more direct with her feelings of relief, but as women in the force, they had to be careful not to exude to much sentimentality even if they know their unit would never use it against them.

“We sure did miss you, girl,” Kevin tells her as he steps up for a hug of his own and she grins into the man’s broad chest when she hears Jay mutter a, “And what am I? Chopped liver?”

Adam starts to tease him, but whatever he was about to say is cut off by Kim’s loud gasp as she all but yanks Hailey’s hand which was still resting on Kevin’s back to her face.

“Oh my God,” The squeal that comes out of her mouth is one none of them had ever heard before as she pulls on Hailey’s arm, bringing her fingers to eyelevel as she narrowed in on something that hadn’t been there before.

“Did you get married?!”

That definitely got the other’s attention, Kevin and Adam’s heads’ immediately snapping over to look at Hailey’s left hand that Kim still had a hold of, “Holy crap, Hailey. You go away for like five weeks and you come back freaking married?”

Hailey tries retracting her hand, but Kim still has a tight hold on it, staring at the engagement and wedding band on her ring finger of her left hand. She opens her mouth to say something, but she doesn’t get very far before Kim’s talking again, “I’m sorry, but who the hell did you marry?”

There is a beat of silence before Adam curses under his breath, muttering a ‘no way’ as he practically leaps across desks to grab Jay’s left hand which was rifling through his duffel bag. Much like Kim did with Hailey, Adam brings Jay’s hand to his face, pulling him half-way across his desk and ignoring his protests.

“Holy no way,” Kim’s eyes were about as wide as saucers as they all glanced back and forth between the two partners.

“You two got freaking married?” Kim says again, her voice at an unnaturally high pitch.

Hailey can’t help but smirk at Kim’s expression as she sits down with her mouth slightly agape and has to suppress a laugh at Kevin and Adam’s matching dumbfounded expressions. She shares a secret look with Jay, the sparkle of laughter evident in his eyes.

She glances over their friends before shrugging and offering a simple, “Surprise!”

“I think I’m going to throw up,” Adam states as he slowly sinks into his desk chair, his face whiter than Hailey had ever seen it.

She knew their news would be a shock, but she didn’t think it warranted this strong of a reaction. Jay sends her another look that says the same thing and she knows he’s about to ask Adam if everything was okay when Kevin starts laughing.

“Oh man. Dude, what did we tell you?” He snorts, holding out an opened palm as Adam looks up at him in disbelief.

“I didn’t think it would actually happen and you told me nothing of the sort,” He defends, looking very uncertain, his eyebrows furrowed in distress.

Swallowing, Adam finally looks at them, flicking his eyes between her and Jay, “You told Trudy, didn’t you? Why would you do that?”

Jay shoots Hailey a look before slowly shaking his head, “No, Adam, we didn’t tell anyone.”

His face goes even whiter than it was before, and he sinks out of his chair to sit on the floor, burying his head in his hands.

Kim’s eyes widened and she looked at Adam warily, “Adam, what did you do?” Her eyes narrowed in alarmed suspension, “Don’t tell me you actually made that bet with Trudy.”

Adam was now lying flat on his back in the floor, his head moving back and forth in misery as he groaned, “I thought I had it in the bag. I mean, if Jay and Hailey didn’t tell her then how the hell did she come up with exactly what happened? That’s one hell of a coincidence.”

Kevin shook his head in slightly terrified admiration, “I don’t know, man. Trudy Platt is as mysterious as they come, and she has mad skills.”

Hailey’s eyebrows furrow as she watches Adam’s dramatics play out in front of her, “What bet? What are you guys talking about?”

Kim and Kevin share a look, ignoring Adam who was still moaning in disbelief on the floor behind his desk and at Kevin’s shrug, Kim looks back at Hailey and Jay.

“Well,” She draws it out like one who is coming clean about something they don’t particularly want to divulge, “We’ve had bets going for a while on when you two were going to get together because we all knew this was going to happen sooner or later and we decided the other day that it was going to be sooner rather than later because of the whole New York thing.”

“And somehow Trudy ended up pitching the idea of you guys eloping and I guess Adam was stupid enough to take the bet,” She purses her lips, “Not that any of us actually thought you were going to get married. Together, yes, but married?”

Kim trails off and Hailey’s eyebrows arch warily, “Wait a second. What do you mean ‘we all knew this was going to happen sooner or later’? Because to be completely honest, I didn’t even know if it was going to happen till a few days ago.”

“Girl,” Kevin shakes his head and uncrosses his arms to put his hands in his pockets, “You have no idea the amount of gossip you guys generate down in patrol. You two are like a freaking slow-burn romance novel,” At Kim’s odd look he hurries to add, “Not that I know anything about those. That’s just what Vanessa says and honestly, this whole thing was started by her so you can just go find her in whatever undercover operation Narcotics has her in and bring it up with her.”

There is a slightly uncomfortable pause as Hailey and Jay take in the information that they are already a source of gossip in the district, but it’s broken by another one of Adam’s distressed groans.

“Man,” Jay looks over at him, his eyebrows arching like he was finally fed up with his friends’ bemoaning, “What the hell kind of deal did you make with Trudy.”

Kim crosses her arms, also clearly unimpressed, “You know, I’d also like to know what has you rolling around like you’re in state mourning.”

“I didn’t think they were actually going to get married, or I would have never made the bet,” Adam insists again, running his hands over his face, “I owe her a months’ worth of drinks at Molly’s, and I have to do school crossings for the rest of the school year.”

Jay laughs, “Oh man,” He shakes his head in amusement, “You do realize it’s only February, right?”

Adam glared at him, “Oh shut up.”

Clambering to his feet in a huff of despair, he heads dejectedly towards the stairs, “I guess I’d better go settle up before Platt comes up here to rub it in my face.”

They watch him go, each trying to hold in snorts of laughter before he disappeared around the corner and Kevin turns back to where Hailey and Jay have taken up residence at Hailey’s desk.

“I still can’t believe you two are actually married,” He rubs his face briefly with an astonished huff of laughter, “Together, I could believe. In fact, I have money on it, but married? Like, what inspired you to skip the dating phase?”

Hailey and Jay share an amused look, her expression changing imperceptibly before Jay turns back to Kim and Kevin, “I guess we should probably come clean.”

They look a little confused for a moment before Kim creases her forehead skeptically, “Wait a second,” Her eyes widen in realization before she slowly starts to speak, “Are you telling us that was all a joke?”

“Well,” Hailey smirks, starting to remove the wedding and engagement bands on her finger as Jay did the same with the wedding band he was wearing, “The married part was a joke but the together part,” She looks at Jay and he gives her a soft smile full of warmth and love, “That’s for real.”

“Wait, seriously?” Kevin gave an impressed grin, chuckling, “So, Adam didn’t really lose that bet?”

Jay shrugged, grinning, “No, not technically,” He winks, “but we don’t need to tell him that.”

“I honestly can’t believe that turned out as well as it did,” Hailey shakes her head in disbelief, “We had no idea Adam had made that bet with Trudy. We just thought it was too good of an opportunity to pass up.”

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t because that was entertaining as hell and I for one am going to enjoy watching Adam carry out a bet he actually didn’t lose,” Kim flops down in her desk chair, powering up her computer as she laughs.

Kevin follows suit, laughing as they all turn to their computers to start the workday. They have to smother snickers when half an hour later, Adam trudges up the steps with a smug looking Trudy Platt following him, rattling off his new school crossing schedule.

“I can’t tell you how good it feels to be back,” Hailey sighs, leaning into Jay as they walk out of the district and into the roll-up, Jay’s arm slung around her shoulders.

He kisses the side of her head, “It feels good to have you back. I know I’ve said this before, but nothing was the same while you were gone. I hope everything will start to go back to normal now that you’re here with me.”

Hailey suddenly extracts herself out from under his arm and puts a good couple of inches distance in between them. Jay frowns, confused at her sudden coldness, “Hailey?”

“What?” She gives him an innocent look, a smile starting to tug at her lips, “You said you hope things go back to normal. This is normal for us.”

Jay gives her an unimpressed look, “Ha ha. Very funny. You know what I meant.”

She chuckles and lets Jay sling his arm over her shoulders again as they continue to walk over to where he parked the truck earlier.

“A new normal then,” He amends, “One where I get to kiss you and touch you and tell you how much I love you.”

Nestling her head into his shoulder, she looks up at him with a heartfelt smile, “Sounds good to me.”

They are at the truck now and Jay walks with her to the passenger’s side before stopping to turn and face her, his hands coming to rest on her upper arms. He takes a breath and Hailey’s eyebrows furrow at the almost nervous expression he is wearing, “I know that whole marriage thing today was a joke, but I meant what I said while we were in New York.”

Hailey remembers the initial shock she felt when Jay had blurted out that they should get married as they stood in their hotel room mere hours after their first kiss. He hurried to add that he meant sometime in the future, but he wanted to let her know how serious he was about this relationship even if it was way to early by most standards to be talking about marriage.

She’d listened to him ramble on uncharacteristically about how he loved her, that she was it for him and he just wanted her to know that. That one day in probably the near future he wanted to ask her for real and he hoped beyond all belief that she would say yes because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her but even if she didn’t want to get married, he was okay with that. He just wanted to be with her on any terms.

After she got over the surprise of his statement, she found that she wasn’t frightened by how fast things seemed to be moving and if it had been anyone other than Jay, she knew deep in her bones that she would be running for the hills at even the hint of marriage.

But it was Jay and if she were being honest, she would’ve married him back in New York if he’d asked her to and she would marry him tomorrow if he dropped down on his knee right now to propose to her.

Jay swallowed and she could see his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down, “You are it for me and someday, I’m going to ask you to marry me. I hope to God you say yes, but I want you to know that as long as I’m with you, my life is filled with purpose, so we don’t need to define anything with a piece of paper or anything. I just need you to know how serious I am about this.”

“Jay,” She interjects softly, placing a hand on his chest over his rapidly beating heart, “Today, tomorrow, ten years from now. If and whenever you ask me,” She smiles gently as she moves to cup his stubbled cheek, “My answer will always be yes.”

I hope the ending wasn’t too cringy, but I had to end it somewhere lol! As always, let me know what you thought!

Love you all and can’t wait to see you for my next project!

#upstead #upstead fic #chicago pd fanfic #hailey upton #jay halstead

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