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knightley--phillip · 2 years

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coming out of my cage || the golden brio

in which Phillip has something important to tell John and Tom

backdated to sept. 23 -- aka bisexual visibility day :3

cw: internalized homophobia, these boys working through their cultish upbringing, you know how it be

@prince--thomas @captain--john

PHILLIP: Phillip had maybe accidentally on purpose come out to the whole town on Twitter.

After the initial wave of adrenaline wore off, Phillip sat on the couch and let the sheer terror sink over him.

Fuck. What had he done?

Never mind the people on Twitter congratulating him. Never mind the kind words from friends and acquaintances and hell, even strangers. Phillip knew he messed up. He shouldn’t have done it like this. He shouldn’t have done it like this, because Tom and John should’ve been the first to know.

But maybe that’s the reason he did it like this. Because he was so terrified of what Tom and John would say, so terrified that they would kick him out of the house, so terrified that even though they’d all turned their backs upon their families, there was still some trace of their fathers in them.

Might as well do it in style, ey?

Phillip was restless. Tom and John would not be home for another hour or so. Phillip decided that the best way to break this news would be over a meal. They’d both be hungry, yeah? It was dinner time. And instead of ordering a pizza, Phillip set to work. And by set to work, he boiled some water and put some pasta in it and when he looked at the can of sauce, he didn’t really know what to do with it so he dumped it into a tupperware and put it in the microwave till it sizzzled and bubbled and left quite a mess. But it was warm and that was all that mattered and he thought maybe he’d fry a few strips of bacon to go with it.

By the time Tom and John had come home, the smoke alarm had gone off.

“It’s fine!” Phillip yelped from the kitchen. “The thing’s just sensitive — hang on, sit down, I made a proper dinner.” He stuck his head out of the little window that opened from the kitchen and gestured to the round table, which he had already set out with plates and forks and glasses.

THOMAS: Thomas was completely unawares of any angst that Phil was having. He didn’t get on Twitter much, especially after the whole debacle with Annie. While he had post alerts for both John and Phil, he wasn’t actually logged in on his phone after everything that had happened. There was a peacefulness to being online that Tom was enjoying. The last thing he needed was people commenting on his life. He knew it was a disaster, thank you.

The day was ordinary. He went to work, he got home, stopping at the Qins to pick up Levi and thank Ting-Ting for having watched him. Tom was chatting with her on the porch, when he heard the fire alarm at his house going off.

“Should probably go see what that’s about,” Tom sighed, saying his goodbyes to Ting-Ting.

As he crossed back over the yard, John pulled up and hopped out. They raised their eyebrows at each other, but didn’t say anything.

“What the bloody hell?” Tom asked, going over to a window and opening it a crack. There wasn’t too much smoke, more just the heat of the oven, but Christ. He went over to the fire alarm, shrugging out of his jacket and waving it underneath it, baby in the other hand, who had started to cry at the piercing noise.

After a moment, it stopped and Tom huffed a breath, bouncing Levi on his hip before going to put him in his high chair.

“Who said you were allowed to cook, eh?” Tom glanced at John with a tired half-smile.

JOHN: John found twitter to be full of people not worth his time and gossip which only lead to more drama he didn’t need. After all, people like Annie flocked to twitter and instagram and whatever for their news and thoughts and to be brainwashed. Why did he need a twitter? One of the lads had made one for him way back but he never really scrolled or got to retweeting or whatever. Pretty sure he deleted the app off his phone.

The blonde had just walked up the drive when the alarm went off and his instinct took over immediately. Phillip had fucked the coffee maker again or left the oven on or put plastic on the stove top while it was still hot. His muscles all seized and he was about to spring towards the door, laptop bag flung behind him, eyebrows up as he glanced at Tom and hastened his way up to the house, about to have a shout at Phillip when he walked into just a mildly hot kitchen with nothing actively on fire.

He immediately deflated, “An edible proper dinner?” His one eyebrow raised. “Where did you order it from? Did it come with heating instructions?” He looked confused at this whole situation and looked towards the table, an immediate thought popping into his head, “What did ya do, lad? Please tell me we don’t have another puppy situation.”

PHILLIP: Well, this could be going better.

It also could be going a lot worse, Phillip reminded himself.

He stood behind the table, placing his hands on the back of one of the chairs. Of course John would think he got someone knocked up. Which, okay, given the house’s track record seemed plausible. (Or John could’ve actually been referring to Gilly — in which case, c’mon, she was spayed now!)

“Oh, no, nothing like that, don’t worry,” Phillip said quickly. “It’s, uh… it’s actually good news.”

Was it? Phillip certainly thought so. Except, maybe he didn’t. Maybe he was terrified by all of this. Maybe he was stalling. Maybe he’d get everyone to sit down and eat dinner and then when they were clearing the plates he would make up a lie about what this whole thing was — he got a poem published! He no longer had chlamydia! He was getting a promotion to head barista!

Maybe he should do that. It might be easier.

But he looked at John and Tom and little squirming Levi and —

Well, he wanted them to know. He didn’t want to hide.

“I do have something I want to tell you,” said Phillip. And he swallowed the bitter taste in the back of his mouth and kept his gaze on them. “And — this is very hard for me and I wanted to do it right, because you mean a lot to me. I… I’m bisexual.” He looked away now. “Meaning, I like men. And women. I still like women too, don’t get me wrong. I just — I understand if you two need some time to process that, but… I can’t hide this part of me any longer. And I wanted you two to know.”

And then he spread his arms out, waving his hands.

“Uh. Well, that’s it! Let’s dig in!”

THOMAS: Tom was glad he wasn’t holding the bairn, because he was damn near sure he would’ve dropped him at Phil’s announcement.

For a moment, he just stared at him like he’d grown another head. Or shed his skin. That was what it felt like. Like suddenly Tom was looking at an entirely different person. He felt like his entire life was being rewritten, again. Maybe that was dramatic, but Tom didn’t know how else to feel. No one, in his entire life, had ever come out to him. He’d known queer people, obviously. And he didn’t have a problem with them (except that gay men made him slightly uncomfortable, and lesbians were just a bit confusing…and that was as far as his understanding of the whole thing went.) His boss was a lesbian! She was very nice.

But Phil was his childhood friend. They’d known each other their whole lives. From the cradle. They’d never had secrets from one another. Phil and John were always the first ones to know about everything in Tom’s life, and the same had always been true for them too. Or, at least, Tom had thought it was.

Phil was telling them now, though, that--this had always been the case? This--bisexual thing? Or…had it just happened?

Tom didn’t know what to say, but he did know what to do. Whenever Tom was worried or didn’t know what to do in a social situation, he always looked to John. Followed him. Copied him. Ever since they’d all been young.

That was what he did now, after fiddling with buckling Levi into his highchair. He looked at John, waiting for him to say something. To do something. To tell Tom what to say and do too.

JOHN: At the ‘don’t worry’ John relaxed a bit. Last thing they needed was another puppy or child or responsibility. But really, what had Phillip done? Stolen something? Small compared to the things they’d carried out in the name of the Order.

Bisexual.

The word rang through his head and he blinked. He felt the gaze of Thomas fall on him, as if he were to set the tone of this whole thing. As if his opinion was the start of everything. And well–he really didn’t know what to think. Of course he was still Phillip, but now he was Phillip who kissed and shagged men as much as he did women.

As the cogs whirred in his brain and the pieces all rearranged themselves, flipping back and forth through memories and facts he knew about his best mate. Oddly, it sort of clicked and made sense.

“Huh. Don’t know why we didn’t see it before. I mean, you do enjoy a fair bit of pegging which is always a little bit of a knock to heterosexuality.” He crossed his arms, sizing up his mate, “Yeah. I can see it. Can’t you, Tom? Anyways, you shouldn’t hide things from your mates. You know we accept you and love you, even if you do shag men.”

He had nothing against the gays, wasn’t his style or preference, but that wasn’t to say it was a wrong preference to have.

“I’m more concerned with what you’ve done to this dinner, actually. I might not be as accepting of it if you’ve ruined another appliance.”

PHILLIP: There was a long pause and for a moment, Phillip feared the worst.

Because they could yell at him. Or worse — they could icily regard him and tell him to be out of the house by dawn. That’s how the conversation would’ve gone had he told his parents, probably. Well, his father at least. And certainly John’s father.

His heart hammered. He felt dizzy, like his knees might buckle at any moment, but he held back the urge to blurt out that it was all a joke, that he was just messing with them, because he knew as painful as these next few moments would be, the alternative would sting far, far more.

And then John made a joke. Or, at least as close as a joke as John Smith could possibly make. Phillip blinked. He let out a breath. His shoulders shook a little.

“I —” He thought about everything he could say, but when he opened his mouth nothing came out. He blinked and there were tears. He rubbed his eyes, shaking his head and trying to hide any crying.

“I promise it’s not that bad — it’s edible,” he managed to choke out. He sucked in a breath, blinking and composing himself. “And if it isn’t, I’ll order a pizza. On me.”

THOMAS: Phil was near crying and John was making uncomfortable sex jokes--a desperate cry for help, if you asked Tom. And Tom just stood there. Quiet. Unable to think of anything at all to say. Which was probably for the best, because if he did, he’d fuck it up. Tom wasn’t good at emotions. At conversations where you shared your feelings and tried to talk things through.

Not to mention…he still had no idea how he felt about all of this. He was reeling a bit. His entire world view shifted, once again. After the third or fourth time, you’d think you’d get used to something like that but didn’t really seem to work out that way. It should be fine. It would be fine but Tom had a lot of questions that he didn’t think he wanted to know the answers to.

How long had he felt this way? How many times had they cracked jokes and made him uncomfortable? He wasn’t dating a bloke, was he? Why hadn’t he told them earlier?

These questions just sat in his chest.

So, he just pressed his lips into a little nod when John nudged him.

Levi cooed and Tom looked down at his son, giving him a little bit more of a genuine smile, running his hand over the baby’s head. His brow furrowed a bit in thought. What would happen when Levi grew up? Would he like blokes? Tom’d admit he’d be a bit disappointed. Potentially have no idea what to say to him about it. But…at least he’d have his Uncle Phil. And Tom would still love him.

Tom still loved Phil too. ‘Course he did. He just--needed to get used to it probably. Like if Phil had shaved his head.

“It better be,” he finally said, clearing his throat slightly and finally looking at Phil properly for the first time since he’d blurted out his news. “I’m starving.”

#coming out of my cage #the golden brio #johnlip #tomlip #john #tom #big steps for philly

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s0fter-sin · 28 days

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thinking about the way ghost doesn't hesitate to start killing shadows when graves betrays them but soap only takes one hostage

you can almost hear the voice in his head telling him it doesn't have to be this way; they can still talk it out

"i'm calling shepherd"

his first instinct when confronted with betrayal is to play it by the books: to go up the chain. that goes against everything we've seen him do. he bucks authority at every chance except for the one time he's confronted with the barrels of his allies' guns

he wants a peaceful resolution; for the first time we've ever seen, he doesn't want violence to be the answer. there has to be another fix, a solution that doesn't end with him killing the same men he's been working with; his friends

nothing's happened yet

it doesn't have to go this way

but ghost has been betrayed before. he knows the way this ends; either with him six feet under or his enemy

he doesn't hesitate

it's only when they knock alejandro out that soap shoots; when they spill the first blood and cross a line they can never come back from

only when ghost orders him to run and he has to cover his retreat

and somewhere along the line, between civilians’ screams and taunting voices, between his shaking breath and ghost steady in his ear, that naivety is stripped away; his trust turned to teeth that he uses to sink into throats of men he'd have given his life for

"be careful who you trust, sergeant; people you know can hurt you the most"

he's learned the price of trust

just like ghost did

but unlike ghost, he has someone to guide him through the aftermath

"good advice, It"