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lucatorahaven · 4 years ago

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vampire au post

4 skype convos haphazardly mixed in from very different times

[29/11/2014 4:27:51 AM] Probably Not Assorted Cheeses: Vampire au

Lucas the incompetent vampire who eats mostly animals

Duster was the one who bit him, only bc duster was literally starving n lucas came at a bad time

idk if duster should be born a vampire or not but Wes is one too and together they taught lucas how to survive.

however eventually they had to leave, they offered for lucas to join them but lucas can’t leave his family behind, the kid’s too sentimental :’(

so together they staged his death (which im too lazy to try n think of)

claus knew bout the vampire thing tho, lucas couldn’t live alone like that. He also ended up biting Boney in an accident so hey vampire dog.

claus grew up and eventually had his own family. Lucas could only really watch from afar but then the kids got his age and it was hard to see him and keep the gig up. He visited his parents funeral anonymously and afterwards him and claus stood there just

“sup” “how’re the kids” “twice your age and with kids of their own” “heh, i always thought you would be the one with kids yano?”

it was very bittersweet, it felt like they’ve never been apart

“it never stops feeling strange without you” "I know”

lucas thinks of that conversation a lot

he started off the "younger uncle" then the "weird neighbourhood kid that visits grandpa claus" and inevitably the "weird kid from nowhere who goes to the cemetary every other month to put flowers on graves older than appears to be"

SO without attachments lucas traveled with boney, hoping that they find duster along the way.

eventually lucas comes back to tazmilly but it’s been a couple hundred years now and it’s completely different so he doesn’t recognize it

n lucas one day is caught outside with no shelter, it’s almost morning so he runs into osohe (which is way outta town so he assumed it was abandoned)

vampires can’t enter homes without being invited in because apparently homes are holy land but osohe is fuckn haunted so that doesn’t apply (adding on to the abandoned theory)

that’s how kumatora and him meet, she finds him exploring osohe all “wtf the fuck who are YOU...this me house”

So she gets an awkward lie explanation from lucas

n she eventually catches on lucas is a vampire n is just DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE I NEVER MET A VAMPIRE BEFORE FUCKN SWEET

lucas is just UM.;;; IS IT OK IF I STAY

"oh dude it's cool!! but u gotta tell me bout yourself bc i never met a vampire before ok?? i live iN THE PERFECT GOTHIC HOME BUT THERE’S NONE!! but here you are and i’m JACKED i gotta go to work tho so brb but afterwards u gotta tell me about yourself ok CYA"

lucas is still processing everything by the time she leaves, but he’s grateful and figures a conversation is the least he can do to repay her

in this au kumatora’s into cryptology bc her house is FULL of books and it’s a common subject (also the fact her castle is filled with ghosts and there are zombies just across the moat, it’s a p convenient hobby)

when she comes back she’s super excited because he’s still there

lucas is kinda reserved but he still answers questions bc it’s POLITE

she asks bout p much everything?? “HEY do you need that” “y-yes” “is this true?” “not that i know of” “ok experiment time” “uH;;” “wait am i keeping you up?? it’s still daytime” “no it’s okay”

after exhausting lucas of all his Vampire Facts kuma invites lucas to live at osohe castle, it’s big enough anyways

lucas is wary af bc he doesn't wanna accidentally get close to someone who 1. has a life span and 2. is technically food

but lucas ends up sticking around anyways, boney really likes it and he lowkey enjoys her company

so they keep chillin n lucas tells her how he hunts animals n how he only takes a bit of blood so they don't die and

IDK I GO BY THE THEORY THAT VAMPIRES HAVE VENOM bc otherwise their entire food source becomes COMPETITION n they can bite but not?? TURN THEM INTO ANYTHIng so controlled blood flow for feeding purposes

also vampires only need to eat once or twice a month? they die around 6+ months without eating from starvation. It all depends on how quickly the blood cells in their body die basically.

ALSO when they bite you it doesn’t hurt bc their saliva numbs it so (sneaky bites) but it still feels weird as shit

bUT YA SO LUCAS N KUMATORA CHAt a whole bunch...you know that “accidentally get close” thing i mentioned? it happened

(it was kinda hard to avoid when the first companion you have that’s not your dog is informed on vampires and vampire goods, that was convenient)

so they keep hangin out and kumatora unlocks his Tragic Backstory

n sometimes kumatora helps him feed? like they go out together finding animals n storing blood

n lucas is fascinated with how technology has advanced bc he doesn't really?? go into towns anymore but he fuckn LOVES it

n they play video games n general COOL FUNTIMES

kumatora let’s lucas borrow her labtop to occupy himself and he looks for other vampires or hints of them

(this is under the assumption that osohe can get electricity in a modern au while still being ignored / abandoned)

n when kumatora goes to work he cleans up the castle n tries to show how much hE REALLY APPRECIATES HEr

n lIKE i also go by the logic that vampires do not do the stereotypical “turn into ashes at sunlight” it is a slow progression that takes up to 12 hours until absolutely turned to a crisp

so basically if he covers himself and wears a shit ton of sunscreen he can chill in the middle of the day for like...a hour or two

and bc kumatora's WORTH IT he visits her at work n she's all LucAS WHAT ARe yO U DoING??

lookin like a modern goth kid......has a huge red burn on his cheek..

he blames it on how pale/blonde he is “my brother is ginger you know”

kuma gets super worried n he's all bruh it cool i have like..2 more hours until i need to go to a hospital

n kumas jsuT I GET OFF IN 4 HOURS GO HOME

kumatora invites him to movie nights with her friends n shit

people start calling lucas kumatora's goth boyfriend “never call him that when he's around or i'll murder you”

theyre all rather cool with lucas and find his speech kinda funny?

"wow look at those teeny boppers" "GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY GOD I LOVE IT" “???????????????" kumas friends ask for lucas more all WHAT SCHOOL DOES HE GO TO WHERE DOES HE LIVE "oh he's......foreign B)"

eventually it comes up how lucas doesn’t really want to be a vampire anymore and kumatoras just “dude i can help you find a cure” bc maybe her hobby is a bit Excessive but live your dreams

but ya lucas is just?? constantly wants to visit kumatora n loves her night shifts!! visits all the time they go on hikes a lot n jusT? GETS SO FUCKIGN ATTACHED IT SCARES HIM CONSTANTLY

they sometimes fall asleep on the couch together n when he's all "wow shes so cute.." he realizes how fucking Deep he’s in this and he’s FUCKED

he tries to distance himself but he Can’t Fucking Do It (just like w/ his fam)

whenever he tries to push her away she looks so upset it kills him

N HE'S IN SUCH A STRUGGLE BC HE'S JUST

SO HAPPY TO BE AROUND HER??????

N LIKE WHEN THEY CUDDLE N STUFF HE'S JUST SO OVERWHELMED BC oh my god heartbeats!! oh my god she's gonna die before me

n lucas really fucking feels the severity of how FUCKED he is when its her birthday n hes just

yes she's gonna age and he's gonna outlive her n they could never realistically be happy even if by some offhand chance she even RETURNS the feelings

N HE HAS TO HIDE HIS CRYING N STUFF BUT KUMATORA HAS A 6TH FUCKN SENSE FOR DISTRESSED LUCAS SO SHE'S ALL bruh :( whats up

so he opens up to her about his feelings and anxiety and she hugs him through it, it’s kind of a shitty way to confess

“idk if i can forgive you for deciding that i’m gonna die before you” “are you threatening murder” “that and no way death’s gonna get me, i’m pretty stubborn”

a lil while passes

“you know... i’m okay with becoming a vampire” lucas refuses bc dude.. you can’t even comprehend the weight of immortality.. what if she regrets it

“to hell if i make my closest friend suffer because of a life span” “hah i guess that’s the same for me”

they drop the vampire topic for the time being and move on to other ones such as... mutual feelings :^)

they’re both romantically inclined i mean... lucas spent 300+ years being a hermit and kumatora had other things to do

so they take it slow, it’s p much the same as before except.. hey...now when i think “man i wanna hold their hand” i CAN

it'd also be really sad and/or cute if the ghosts in the castle some of them were lucas's family which might be why boney likes it so much but also imagine them kissin on the couch "kuma ghosts r there" "EH THEYRE JUst ghosts" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) claus looks into the camera "after so long... finally my little brother gets some action :')"

but idk if that’s a thing bc it feels kinda weird i feel like kissin n shit wouldn't b very often bc as much as they both loVE IT

IT'S NOT THAT GREAT FOR A VAMPIRE

YANO.... HEARTS R BEATING... NECK IS RIGHT THERE (lucas still adores it tho)

so back to the topic of Mortality

kuma gets attacked in an alley on the way home from work

n lucas finds her bc they were gonna meet up but he smelt the blood and when he does find her he just goes FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK n didn't know how to save her

also thinking rationally is hard when OH LOOK AT ALL THAT BLOOD AHhaHA

SO HE BITES HER

he carries her body home n he spends the whole waiting process between DEAD and VAMPIRE crying just "hoyl shti please work please work" “what did i fucking dooooo” “what if i was earlier” “what if i was too late” so many anxieties

kuma wakes up and lucas transistions from panic to HAPPY PANIC OH THANK GOD

she’s really out of it bc of the process and he’s crying apologies “it’s okay you saved me” but he’s still crying, they cuddle for comfort

"hey atleast we did it NOW when i'm a hot sexy 19 yr old and not a wrinkly old lady” “kuma” “i’m tryna make light of the conversation”

so now that kumatora’s a vampire she only works night shifts until she eventually quits. They moved to a new town / whatever so it was easy to avoid having to meet someone in the daytime. facebook helped keep in touch with her friends while still letting the friendship die out.

it took kumatora a bit to get used to being a vampire. she threw up a lot at first and she didn’t like having to drink blood but she did eventually get used to it

idk if they find a cure bc idk what the cure would BE but they eventually find other vampires :^) they continued lucas’s search for duster and probably found him tbh

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synonym-for-life · 7 years ago

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Heeeey, Heey Baby! (Hu, Ha!)

I felt like you deserved to read something funny again as I’ve only been writing angst and porn lately. If you don’t know the Hey Baby song by DJ Otzi yet...I don’t even know what to say. It’s iconic. Go listen.

Draco was sleeping. Deeply. Blissfully. He was warm and content. Comfortable.

Unfortunately, he was also very unwillingly waking up. His mind was slowly becoming more and more aware of the faint tap followed by an even softer plop that sounded against his window every now and then.

He opened his eyes. An even louder tap sounded against the window accompanied by the sound of two muffled male voices coming from somewhere below the balcony. The owners of the voices obviously thought they were being quiet judging by the stage whisper quality of the sound. Whispers my ass, Draco huffed. They would wake a basilisk from its sleep.

He got out of the warm embrace of the bed and grumpily put on his nightgown. If it was that village drunkard with his equally inebriated friend again, he swore he’ll be calling the Aurors on them. Enough was enough.

He strode to the balcony door, opened it and stepped out into the warm summer night air.

‘’What in Merlin’s mighty melon sized balls is goin -- ‘’

He stopped mid his own stage whispered yell as his gaze fell to a very tall, very red haired man who was only staying upright because he was supported by a very familiar black haired, brown skinned, bespectacled idiot. Said idiot was simultaneously holding the stumbling redhead in place and trying to pick up another stone from the ground. Presumably to throw it at the window again.

Draco sighed heavily as he leaned against the railing defeated. There will be no need to call the Aurors; two of them were already here and if the law was to be acknowledged they’d have to arrest themselves.

‘’What the hell are you two doing under the bloody balcony in the middle of the night?’’

Instead of getting a comprehensive response, Harry upon noticing him shook Ron wildly and pointed in Draco’s direction whispering ‘’Ohmigod, Ron. He’s here.’’ His eyes were wide and his outstretched hand unsteady. Draco opened his mouth to say something, but before he could get anything out, he heard Potter mutter ‘one two three’ under his breath waving his hand downwards on the count of three as he puffed hi chests out, opened his mouth and practically screamed ‘’HEEEEY, HEEY BABY!’’

‘’HU, HA!’’ Weasley helpfully bellowed. Apparently, he was taking over the role of a backup singer.

Draco was taking over the role of a martyr.

‘’I WANNA KNOOOOOOOW IF YOU’D BE MY GIRL.’’ There, Harry stopped abruptly looking confused. He turned to Ron, who was still singing ‘hu, ha’ under his breath and shouted ‘’NO!’’ directly at his face.

Weasley made a face ‘’Wha-?’’

Wide eyed and disappointed Harry responded ‘’Rooon! ‘S wrong, the song. He’s not a girl! Ohmigod, you think he’ll hate me now?’’ He looked on the verge of tears. ‘’I don’t want ‘im to be my girl Ron. I want ‘im to be my boyfriend.’’

Draco wondered exactly how many gallons of beer accompanied by stronger shots were needed to bring them both to this state.

‘’Potter!’’ he shouted. ‘’I’m right here and I can literally hear every word you say!’’ Harry’s eyes widened even more while Weasley continued looking completely unfazed. In fact, Draco was contemplating whether Weasley had even noticed him yet.

In that exact moment Ron’s mouth fell wide open and he looked like something really brilliant dawned on him. Draco feared for what was coming next.

‘’Haaaary! I fixed it! I fixed it!’’ he looked so happy Draco couldn’t even begrudge him what came next. Ron tilted his head upwards and started singing at the top of his voice ‘’HEEEEEY, HEEY BABY!’’

‘’HU, HA’’ Harry said with such vigour he swayed dangerously.

‘’I WANNA KNOOOOOOOW IF YOU’D BE MY BOY?!’’ He turned to Harry presumably in hopes of him recognizing his brilliance.

He wasn’t disappointed; Harry’s mouth fell open and he gasped in awe ‘’Ohhhh! Ronnn! You fixed it!’’ They then looked at each other knowingly and turned to face Draco in unison.

Uh, oh.

‘’HEEEEY, HEEY BABY!’’

‘’HU!

‘’HA!’’

‘’I WANNA KNOOOOOOOOOOW IF YOU’D BE MY BOOOOY?!’’

Then they suddenly stopped. Apparently the song either ended there or they didn’t know the rest of the lyrics.

Or neither of the above, Draco realized as he noticed Harry looking up at him full of endearing hope smiling expectantly and quite clearly awaiting an answer. Oh dear Merlin, he was wooing him.

Draco’s head dropped onto his forearms resting on the railing. There was some scuffling below him and he heard Potter demand quietly ‘give ‘em to me’. He raised his head and behold: In his hands, Potter was clutching what had to be the ugliest most unfortunately rumpled bouquet Draco had ever seen in his life. In fact, it looked very much like lettuce with a few giant roses included in the mess.

Draco narrowed his eyes. Those roses looked suspiciously familiar.

‘’Harry…’’ he said with wariness in his voice, ‘’where are those roses from?’’

A dark hand carefully pointed in the direction of the neighbour garden. Draco’s regard followed the line of the pointing finger towards the exact rosebush he most feared the flowers came from. The bush was all bent and rumpled. It looked exactly as if two grown men had just fallen into it. Draco closed his eyes and counted to ten.

‘’Harry,’’ he said as calmly as possible, ‘’you do realise those are Mrs Prickletosh’s roses?’’ there was a definite strain in his voice. ‘’You know, the lady who talks to her rose bushes as if they were her only love in the world and has actually hexed children for smelling them.’’

Harry’s eyes went wide with fear and he looked around wildly while Weasley stilled completely as if smelling trouble.

Potter looked up at him and with a tremor in his voice softly said ‘’Oh shit. Your neighbour is Mrs Prickletosh too?’’

‘’Bloody hell!’’ Draco shouted throwing his arms in the air not even caring who heard anymore. ‘’POTTER! YOU FUCKING LIVE HERE!’’ Harry’s jaw dropped open as Draco continued ‘’We’ve been together for years, you tit.’’

Harry just stood there for a second, jaw open and tears of wonder in his eyes, then he grabbed an extremely confused Ron around his midriff, lay his head on his chest and proceeded to sob into it. ‘’Ohmigod, Ron. He already is my boyfriend. He already loves me.’’

Draco rubbed at his temples tiredly, but he couldn’t deny that his heart skipped a beat at Harry’s mention of love. Love him he did. Stupidly, unexpectedly, preposterously and -- unconditionally.

Harry was still sobbing into Ron’s chest as Weasley awkwardly patted his back muttering something like ‘why you crying ‘bout love, mate’.

Draco ‘s lips cured up into a warm smile.

‘’For Merlin’s sake, get your two sorry asses inside, you tossers.’’

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