#comedy starters

[madame-helen]

Time to be kicking the hornet's nest.

[jamsmemes]

(     *     DOOM: ANNIHILATION PROMPTS   !    

feel free to change pronouns / details as needed  !

❛ you’ve gotta be kidding me. ❜

❛ don’t be jealous. ❜

❛ you got a lucky pair of undies? what makes them lucky? ❜

❛ wouldn’t you love to find out? ❜

❛ you look good. ❜

❛ this is sort of a promotion for me. ❜

❛ we are violating the laws of physics. ❜

❛ is all this information gonna be on the test? ❜

❛ so, what’s the danger? ❜

❛ you fucked up. ❜

❛ do i make myself clear? ❜

❛ come on, move your ass. ❜

❛ in order to fight the enemy, you gotta stop fighting yourself. ❜

❛ i’m the one who should be nervous, not you. ❜

❛ i wanna be with you, i wanna come home. ❜

❛ it’s good to see you. ❜

❛ what’s the problem? ❜

❛ we have an urgent developing situation. ❜

❛ i thought you’ve never been here before. ❜

❛ what the fuck is that? ❜

❛ ugh. not this again. ❜

❛ they are gonna rue the day they fuck with me. ❜

❛ you got your toy, i got mine. ❜

❛ something’s wrong? ❜

❛ it’s like a tomb. ❜

❛ who the fuck designed this place? ❜

❛ if you’re about to say what i think you’re gonna say, i’m gonna shoot you in the face. ❜

❛ where are we going? ❜

❛ where the fuck is everybody? ❜

❛ found a body. he’s one of ours. ❜

❛ how can i help you? ❜

❛ through wrath will come justice. ❜

❛ no escape this time. ❜

❛ this doesn’t make any sense. ❜

❛ we’ve got to be close. let’s keep looking. ❜

❛ i thought i saw something. ❜

❛ identify yourself. ❜

❛ show me your hands! ❜

❛ what the fuck is that? ❜

❛ we’re safe now. you’re gonna be just fine. ❜

❛ what’s going on? ❜

❛ are you fucking crazy? ❜

❛ that’s what i’m trying to tell you. ❜

❛ we have a situation. ❜

❛ we need to get out of here! ❜

❛ we need to find the others. ❜

❛ fuck this, i’m too young to die! ❜

❛ get back here! ❜

❛ let’s go. come on. i got you. ❜

❛ are they gone? ❜

❛ i’m not playing anymore! ❜

❛ nice shooting. ❜

❛ i deserved that. ❜

❛ there’s something you’re not telling us. ❜

❛ i fucking knew it! ❜

❛ you’re alive! thank god! you’re here. ❜

❛ will you please try again? ❜

❛ well, i can’t just sit here. ❜

❛ i’m sorry, but i can’t let you leave. ❜

❛ what do you mean, you can’t let me leave? ❜

❛ no one’s allowed to leave. ❜

❛ you will reveal whatever i damn well ask you to reveal. ❜

❛ if the human race wants to live on, it has to find a new home. ❜

❛ it doesn’t take a fucking genius to figure it out. ❜

❛ don’t be ridiculous. ❜

❛ this was just a setback. ❜

❛ did you just call what happened today a setback? ❜

❛ this is not your decision. ❜

❛ i will not allow it! ❜

❛ faith costs nothing. ❜

❛ any chance i can get something to drink? ❜

❛ can you open the door? ❜

❛ what are you looking for? maybe i can be of assistance. ❜

❛ get out of the way! ❜

❛ stay with me. ❜

❛ you said you couldn’t remember. ❜

❛ we’re stuck here. ❜

❛ i didn’t ask for your life story. ❜

❛ thanks, but no thanks. ❜

❛ when we don’t report back, they’ll send a rescue party. ❜

❛ if we’re gonna die, i would rather go down fighting. ❜

❛ i might not be a scientist, but i’m not an idiot. ❜

❛ that’s not exactly how it happened. ❜

❛ i’m sure you’ve got your side of the story. ❜

❛ we all make mistakes. i certainly do. ❜

❛ i never said that. ❜

❛ i remember everything. ❜

❛ you have your orders. i have mine. ❜

❛ this place is enormous. ❜

❛ let’s go get this son of a bitch. ❜

❛ what are they gonna do, sue me? ❜

❛ i ignored the order, thinking i knew best, thinking i could be a hero. ❜

❛ you’ve overcome so much in your life, you can overcome this. ❜

❛ i’ve never heard you curse before. ❜

❛ someone found a shiny new toy. ❜

❛ what i thought was punishment turned out to be my salvation. ❜

❛ you can’t kill what’s already dead. ❜

❛ humans. is there anything more pathetic? ❜

❛ have faith that in your darkest moment you won’t be alone. ❜

❛ where am i? ❜

❛ i just wanna check your condition. ❜

❛ i’m fine. i could use a drink. ❜

❛ how, may i ask, did you end up here? ❜

❛ you need to shut this down. ❜

❛ did you hear what i fucking said? ❜

❛ what are you doing? ❜

❛ we are gonna look after you. ❜

[crownmemes]

Wellington Paranormal Sentences

(Sentences from Wellington Paranormal (2018-2022). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"I don't joke at work."

"This is, to my mind, some sort of extraterrestrial activity."

"If we identify a UFO, does that just mean it's an FO?"

"I don't care if you are from another planet; if you come here, you should respect our rules."

"Are you sure you're not just fantasising?"

"Maybe you're not the best there is, but you're the best around here."

"There's no such thing as saying too much when talking to a police officer."

"So, I think the moral of the story here is don't muck around with the dark arts."

"In police training, you learn how to deal with every situation, but I think I must have been sick on this day."

"Well, that was a strange one."

"What are criminals going to think if you show up to an arrest wearing that?"

"Hey, are you experiencing an ominous sense of foreboding?"

"This is my childhood bedroom, so I'd appreciate you not criticising it."

"I don't think I can be hypnotised. You've got to be open to suggestion, and I'm not."

"Yeah, I guess I could have been a bad boy, but instead I'm a good boy who's still a bit of a bad boy."

"I actually hate guns, but hey, it's part of the job."

"Please be aliens, please be aliens, please be aliens..."

"So, how did you become a hostage?"

"I'm in the police, so rules are kind of my thing."

"I almost died and you're cracking jokes!"

"Look, we all have tough days. All I'm saying is you've got to do your best to be nice to people."

"I actually have a penchant for the occult and other such cryptid mysteries."

"I just made a few mistakes tonight that made me question whether I should be a cop at all, you know?"

"Hey, do you think I'd suit a goatee?"

[sobeautifullyobsessed]

Watching Starter for 10 after not seeing it for years and years. I'd forgotten how incredibly funny Benedict was.

In retrospect, I didn't realize how well-written his character was - but then I have to think that BC brought a lot to the role. You can see his true flair for comedy--which has gone far too underused throughout his career--and how damn good he's always been. Patrick Watts may be just a supporting character, but he's totally real and an absolute hoot from the first breath he draws onscreen.

[offbeat-rp-memes]

Aurelio Voltaire Lyric Starters

(Adjust pronouns/titles as needed.)

"I want to hurt the one's who've hurt you."

"What's your plan to survive when you find you're alone in the dark?"

"You're still the dandy highwayman that they're too scared to mention."

"Heed the sign that says 'Beware the Beast of Pirate's Bay'."

"I never meant to lie, but there are things we do and say to get by."

"An evil skeleton made off with my beef burrito!"

"Look at me! I'm almost a human being!"

"Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish!"

"And I'll tell ya, ol' boy: don't go in the basement!"

"Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need!"

"It's a crime to the heavens for even a while to hide for a moment that beautiful smile!"

"Step right up! I'm a reasonable guy!"

"See, the risk of combating monsters is the risk of becoming monsters."

"Come with me to the other side!"

"Hey, numbskull! Look at me!"

"She's a rotten kind of cute."

"I never did like the way humans made me feel."

"If you go by the riverside you'll lose your life!"

"There's an evil stench creeping on the wind."

"There was something very wrong with Copernicus."

"Don't regret it, he deserved it, he's a cad."

"Love the pearls, they'll make a great tourniquet!"

"When I said I was evil, what did you think that meant?"

"I heard it was rough but how bad could it be?"

"No one's gonna cry at your funeral."

"I just lament all these barrels of wasted rum."

"Hell hath no fury like a vampire's scorn."

"Don't move. Don't speak."

"Consider a human skull!"

"It's hard to be a creature in a human town."

"I've been a sinner, I've been a saint."

"I'm far renowned in the underground."

[monmuses]

"A couple's driving through the forest when all of a sudden, the girlfriend says, 'I think I just saw a wolf!'

"The boyfriend asks, 'Where?'

"The girlfriend replies, 'Nah, I'm pretty sure it was just a regular one.'"

[rainbowdelicsunshine]

Starter for @heartsintertwine

Piper Vogal was making her way back home to the trailer that she was sharing with her roommate Tiffany, holding two plastic bags full of junk food and soda she had gotten from the nearby store and wearing a glow-in-the-dark hockey mask splattered with blue, pink, and purple glow-in-the-dark paint to guide her way back through the dark night and tall grass.

Once she was at the door of the trailer home, she let a sigh of victory and exhaustion as she opened the door and stepped inside.

---

"Yo Tiff! I'm back! I hope that stupid emo douche boyfriend of yours has left by now, or I"mma kick him in the face, again"!

---

She then noticed something, or she had a feeling it was more like someone seemed to be sitting in what looked like a playpen you would put a child into, now wondering who her roommate took hostage.

A mischievous and conniving smirk came across Piper's face as she came up with a devilish idea!

She then, as if she was Jason Voorhees himself, started to slowly lumber towards the playpen, leaning more towards one side than the other with each step.

Once she made her fifth step towards the figure in the playpen, she bolted like a bat out of hell straight in the front of the playpen and started pounding on it with her fist as she screamed bloody murder to stir up her roommate's captive.

"WELCOME TO THE BIRDCAGE, MOTHERFUCKER"!!!

---

(icon art was made by the ultra talented @twyz)

[tatennantshenanigans]

Starter for 10 (2006)

[madame-helen]

[crownmemes]

Jeeves and Wooster Sentences, Condensed

(Sentences from Jeeves and Wooster (1990-1993). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"I was given to understand that you required a valet."

"Don't you like this suit?"

"Pardon me for asking, but are you proposing to appear in public in those garments?"

"Tell me, were you always like this, or did it come on suddenly?"

"Were you an outstandingly brilliant child?"

"I have said all I intend to say on the matter."

"Wake up! It's time you were dressed!"

"I will not do it. That's final. I simply will not do it."

"Were it not for the juice of the grape and the grain, weddings would be a thing of the past!"

"You're the most wonderful man in the whole wonderful world!"

"I must warn you that my patience is not inexhaustible."

"Stand up straight! Is that the way they teach you to stand nowadays?"

"Now, I'm not a complaining sort of chap as a rule, but I must say that in the future, you might want to be a little more careful!"

"I've not proposed yet, but I'm going to!"

"Is there any girl you haven't been engaged to?"

"Don't tell me you've broken the habit of a lifetime and actually found a job?"

"Do you realise that I don't usually get out of my pyjamas until five in the afternoon?"

"You're pretty cute, you know that?"

"With respect, I am capable of retaining more than one thought in my mind at the same time."

"Now, about this moustache - you don't like it, do you?"

"I shall ignore that cheap jibe!"

"Do be quiet for a minute and listen!"

"Where on earth did you go to school?"

"Kindly do not interrupt me."

"We're not going to have a difference of opinion about my hat, are we?"

"Let's not start this tedious argument again."

"I didn't know you were musical!"

"What is wrong with men today?"

[davekatzdefensesquad]

Rifftrax quotes

[the-estranged-estrangedaframian]

open rp | (Estrell’s bio)

connection: friends, roommates, co-worker, boyfriend, etc.

open to: m/f/nb. m only for romantic.

“Are you seriously worried I’m going to try and DROWN you again? I haven’t done that since we were kids! Besides, I like totally aced my CPR class at the Y, last fall... So if something did happen to happen...”

 “Please, please, please- Come in the water with me?”

[estrangedaframian]

“Wanna join my team to save Splash Mountain? Only three weeks till closin’... We got our work cut out for us! Com’ on!”

[mourningmaybells]

honestly of all the horror podcasts, i'd recommend i am in eskew as starter horror podcast for scared people because it's terrifying but his voice and the rain is so soothing you get used to it. until the night terrors.

also it's shorter and the plot is easier to follow all things considered

[whirling-fangs]

“ would you hold still, it's for the mission- stop complaining about wearing makeup. ” from tengen when he's trying to sell literal children i hate this guy FSDKGS jk

If only the makeup was the worst part. Inosuke couldn't remember ever being more miserable than he was now. The kimono clung to his skin, the obi belt wrapping the fabric even tighter around his waist. He was suffocating.

"Then stop putting that stupid brush in my eyes, you big oaf! Why d'we even have to wear all that color on our faces?! Even I know that humans don't look like that! They'll just laugh at us!"

A hand reached out to tug at the collar of his kimono, while the other tried to swat Tengen's brush away from his face. He only managed to drag his knuckle along his own cheek, perfectly ruining the makeup that had been applied there.

[minyicho]