#comedy starters

[madame-helen]

Time to be kicking the hornet's nest.

[lcvertate]

Starter for 10 (2006)

[jamsmemes]

(     *     DOOM: ANNIHILATION PROMPTS   !    

feel free to change pronouns / details as needed  !

❛ you’ve gotta be kidding me. ❜

❛ don’t be jealous. ❜

❛ you got a lucky pair of undies? what makes them lucky? ❜

❛ wouldn’t you love to find out? ❜

❛ you look good. ❜

❛ this is sort of a promotion for me. ❜

❛ we are violating the laws of physics. ❜

❛ is all this information gonna be on the test? ❜

❛ so, what’s the danger? ❜

❛ you fucked up. ❜

❛ do i make myself clear? ❜

❛ come on, move your ass. ❜

❛ in order to fight the enemy, you gotta stop fighting yourself. ❜

❛ i’m the one who should be nervous, not you. ❜

❛ i wanna be with you, i wanna come home. ❜

❛ it’s good to see you. ❜

❛ what’s the problem? ❜

❛ we have an urgent developing situation. ❜

❛ i thought you’ve never been here before. ❜

❛ what the fuck is that? ❜

❛ ugh. not this again. ❜

❛ they are gonna rue the day they fuck with me. ❜

❛ you got your toy, i got mine. ❜

❛ something’s wrong? ❜

❛ it’s like a tomb. ❜

❛ who the fuck designed this place? ❜

❛ if you’re about to say what i think you’re gonna say, i’m gonna shoot you in the face. ❜

❛ where are we going? ❜

❛ where the fuck is everybody? ❜

❛ found a body. he’s one of ours. ❜

❛ how can i help you? ❜

❛ through wrath will come justice. ❜

❛ no escape this time. ❜

❛ this doesn’t make any sense. ❜

❛ we’ve got to be close. let’s keep looking. ❜

❛ i thought i saw something. ❜

❛ identify yourself. ❜

❛ show me your hands! ❜

❛ what the fuck is that? ❜

❛ we’re safe now. you’re gonna be just fine. ❜

❛ what’s going on? ❜

❛ are you fucking crazy? ❜

❛ that’s what i’m trying to tell you. ❜

❛ we have a situation. ❜

❛ we need to get out of here! ❜

❛ we need to find the others. ❜

❛ fuck this, i’m too young to die! ❜

❛ get back here! ❜

❛ let’s go. come on. i got you. ❜

❛ are they gone? ❜

❛ i’m not playing anymore! ❜

❛ nice shooting. ❜

❛ i deserved that. ❜

❛ there’s something you’re not telling us. ❜

❛ i fucking knew it! ❜

❛ you’re alive! thank god! you’re here. ❜

❛ will you please try again? ❜

❛ well, i can’t just sit here. ❜

❛ i’m sorry, but i can’t let you leave. ❜

❛ what do you mean, you can’t let me leave? ❜

❛ no one’s allowed to leave. ❜

❛ you will reveal whatever i damn well ask you to reveal. ❜

❛ if the human race wants to live on, it has to find a new home. ❜

❛ it doesn’t take a fucking genius to figure it out. ❜

❛ don’t be ridiculous. ❜

❛ this was just a setback. ❜

❛ did you just call what happened today a setback? ❜

❛ this is not your decision. ❜

❛ i will not allow it! ❜

❛ faith costs nothing. ❜

❛ any chance i can get something to drink? ❜

❛ can you open the door? ❜

❛ what are you looking for? maybe i can be of assistance. ❜

❛ get out of the way! ❜

❛ stay with me. ❜

❛ you said you couldn’t remember. ❜

❛ we’re stuck here. ❜

❛ i didn’t ask for your life story. ❜

❛ thanks, but no thanks. ❜

❛ when we don’t report back, they’ll send a rescue party. ❜

❛ if we’re gonna die, i would rather go down fighting. ❜

❛ i might not be a scientist, but i’m not an idiot. ❜

❛ that’s not exactly how it happened. ❜

❛ i’m sure you’ve got your side of the story. ❜

❛ we all make mistakes. i certainly do. ❜

❛ i never said that. ❜

❛ i remember everything. ❜

❛ you have your orders. i have mine. ❜

❛ this place is enormous. ❜

❛ let’s go get this son of a bitch. ❜

❛ what are they gonna do, sue me? ❜

❛ i ignored the order, thinking i knew best, thinking i could be a hero. ❜

❛ you’ve overcome so much in your life, you can overcome this. ❜

❛ i’ve never heard you curse before. ❜

❛ someone found a shiny new toy. ❜

❛ what i thought was punishment turned out to be my salvation. ❜

❛ you can’t kill what’s already dead. ❜

❛ humans. is there anything more pathetic? ❜

❛ have faith that in your darkest moment you won’t be alone. ❜

❛ where am i? ❜

❛ i just wanna check your condition. ❜

❛ i’m fine. i could use a drink. ❜

❛ how, may i ask, did you end up here? ❜

❛ you need to shut this down. ❜

❛ did you hear what i fucking said? ❜

❛ what are you doing? ❜

❛ we are gonna look after you. ❜

[curiositymemes]

WHITE CHRISTMAS SENTENCE STARTERS.

taken from the 1954 film. feel free to change wording and pronouns and provide context as necessary. do not add to this list.

“what’s this all about, name?” 

“you know that and i know that, but name doesn’t know that. at least he won’t for about an hour and a half.”

“well, that just about wraps it up, fellas.”

“certainly too bad name couldn’t be here for this little yuletide clambake.” 

“we really had a slam-bang finish cooked up for him.”

“that’s not a very nice christmas present, is it?”

“i don’t want you to forget it, not that he’ll let you.”

“don’t just stand there. how do i get off?”

“it’s just my arm.” 

“it looks bad.” / “nothin’ but a scratch.”

“i’ve kinda written a little song, see…”

“i just happen to have it right here.” 

“he’s got a fair voice, he’s pretty funny in living rooms…”

“i wouldn’t want you to feel any special obligation…”

“okay, dynamite, let’s give it a whirl.” 

“mutual, i’m sure.”

“nicest christmas present anybody ever had.”

“i thought before the train ride we’d grab a bite to eat and have a few laughs?” 

“believe me, it’s for your own good.” 

“let’s face it, name, you’re a lonely, miserable man. and you’re unhappy, too.” 

“you look at me with those great big cow eyes of yours and i’d melt and go along with it.” 

“you’re off your nut about a mile and a half!”

“sure, it was my idea, but i didn’t think i was creating frankenstein!” 

“i never thought i’d hear you open up like that, name.” 

“let’s just say we’re doin’ it for a pal in the army.”

“it’s not good, but it’s a reason.” 

“just like honesty needs a little plus, fate needs a little push.” 

“there, that’s cozy, isn’t it?”

“that’s quite an act you two kids have there.”

“he always was a good-looking kid.” 

“let’s say it with music, huh?” 

“now, promise me you won’t say anything important til i get back, huh?” 

“everybody’s got an angle.”

“hey, if this keeps up, we’ll practically be in-laws before the dance is over.” 

“vermont should be beautiful this time of year. all that snow.” 

“it’s no trouble, honey.” 

“we like to take care of our friends.”

“are you kiddin’? pay off a chiseling rat like that?” 

“don’t stop for anything.”

“i got a feelin’ i’m not gonna like this.” / “i got a feelin’ you’re gonna hate it.” 

“either you have tickets or you haven’t tickets.” 

“oh, no, you wouldn’t do this to me.”

“used to be a grist mill and a barn, now it’s a tyrolean haunted house.” 

“i don’t know what he’s up to but he’s got that rogers and hammerstein look again.”  

“how much is wow?” / “right in between ouch and poing.” 

“tell me what you wanna dream about and i’ll know what to give you.” 

“it’s kinda dangerous, puttin’ those knights up on white horses. likely to slip off.” 

“you ever hook up with the fellas in the horseshoe game?”

“read it, son. slowly.” 

“you always were a lucky stiff.”

“never kid a kidder, son.” 

“i think it’s impossible, ridiculous, and insane. i wish i thought of it first.”

“stick your nose in other people’s business and eventually you’ll find out things you wish you hadn’t.” 

“i’d rather not discuss last night, thank you very much.”

“last night she can’t sleep. today she won’t eat. she’s in love.”

“if that’s love, somebody goofed.” 

“well you’re not exactly superman, but you’re awfully available.” 

“i’m more the ‘i don’t mind shoving my best friend into it but i’m scared stiff every time i get close to it myself’-ing kind.” 

“i feel the same way about my cocker spaniel.” 

“don't you think we oughta kiss or something?” 

“you realize you’re getting the best girl in the whole wide world?” 

“after you get to know him, he’s almost endurable.”

“you know, in some ways, you’re far superior to my cocker spaniel.” 

“you don’t have to feel responsible for me anymore.”

“i can’t help feeling this is a tactical error.”

“if i said anything, i didn’t mean it.”

“i was so busy with other things i must’ve sounded like an idiot.”

“how could you be stupid enough to try and pull a stunt like this?”

“you should consider yourself pretty lucky. you could’ve been stuck with this weirdsmobile for life.”  

“when it comes to conniving and finagling, you can’t beat this boy.”

“if i wasn’t such a mean ol’ biddy i’d break right down and cry.” 

“i never saw anything look so wonderful in my whole life.”

“we may get snowed in here!”

[promptsfromthecrypt]

𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒  𝐌𝐘  𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐈𝐍𝐀𝐋  𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑  𝐇𝐀𝐒  𝐒𝐀𝐈𝐃 : 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒕𝒘𝒐      ♡      𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎  𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚜.

per  request  in  high  demand ,  here’s  a second  list  of    absolutely  batshit ,  out  of  pocket  things  my  original  character  has  said.    triggers  and  nsfw   will  be   present  in  this  specific  meme.

“ there aren't enough men crumbling at my feet. ”

“ knocked loose pit , but it's just me shaking my ass for dollars to ARF ARF! ”

“ i need to girlypop in the pit so bad. ”

“ i wanna beat my father with his own bones. ”

“ he is so mean and unfriendly , i have GOT to fuck him. ”

“ cream cheese wontons , my beloved . . . ”

“ it's okay to not have a valentine on valentine's day. i didn't have a father on father's day. ”

“ can i put ‘ gives great head ’ on my resume? ”

“ there's either a latte or vodka in this mug. ”

“ the sluttiest thing a man can do is wear jewelry. ”

“ sometimes you're just a 25 second ryan kirby scream away from mental clarity. ”

“ this bitch will be like , ‘ i’d rather die than have a complex thought ’ , and then text me at 2am to tell me the deepest introspective shit i’ve ever heard. ”

“ just know that if i ever slept with you , it was an act of self–harm. ”

“ if loving sluts was a crime , i'd do life. ”

“ i crawled out of my coffin like this. ”

“ some of you didn't grow up a stigmatic and it shows. ”

“ life update : cheeks still fat enough to be clapping when i breathe. ”

“ hey , sorry i've been radio silent. i self–isolated to be quirky. ”

“ ask me what's in my fanny pack. yes , it is spaghetti , and yes there’s also garlic bread. you never know when a bitch will get hungry. it’s my first aid kit. ”

“ when you're mean to me , do you stop to consider i have a huge rack? ”

“ i’m aware he’s committed several atrocities , but have you stopped to consider he’s my babygirl? ”

“ i don’t have mental stability. i have a fat ass. it’s an equal trade off. ”

“ having a soul connection with a man is so embarrassing. i need to be lobotomized. ”

[crownmemes]

Wellington Paranormal Sentences

(Sentences from Wellington Paranormal (2018-2022). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"I don't joke at work."

"This is, to my mind, some sort of extraterrestrial activity."

"If we identify a UFO, does that just mean it's an FO?"

"I don't care if you are from another planet; if you come here, you should respect our rules."

"Are you sure you're not just fantasising?"

"Maybe you're not the best there is, but you're the best around here."

"There's no such thing as saying too much when talking to a police officer."

"So, I think the moral of the story here is don't muck around with the dark arts."

"In police training, you learn how to deal with every situation, but I think I must have been sick on this day."

"Well, that was a strange one."

"What are criminals going to think if you show up to an arrest wearing that?"

"Hey, are you experiencing an ominous sense of foreboding?"

"This is my childhood bedroom, so I'd appreciate you not criticising it."

"I don't think I can be hypnotised. You've got to be open to suggestion, and I'm not."

"Yeah, I guess I could have been a bad boy, but instead I'm a good boy who's still a bit of a bad boy."

"I actually hate guns, but hey, it's part of the job."

"Please be aliens, please be aliens, please be aliens..."

"So, how did you become a hostage?"

"I'm in the police, so rules are kind of my thing."

"I almost died and you're cracking jokes!"

"Look, we all have tough days. All I'm saying is you've got to do your best to be nice to people."

"I actually have a penchant for the occult and other such cryptid mysteries."

"I just made a few mistakes tonight that made me question whether I should be a cop at all, you know?"

"Hey, do you think I'd suit a goatee?"

[sobeautifullyobsessed]

Watching Starter for 10 after not seeing it for years and years. I'd forgotten how incredibly funny Benedict was.

In retrospect, I didn't realize how well-written his character was - but then I have to think that BC brought a lot to the role. You can see his true flair for comedy--which has gone far too underused throughout his career--and how damn good he's always been. Patrick Watts may be just a supporting character, but he's totally real and an absolute hoot from the first breath he draws onscreen.

[offbeat-rp-memes]

Aurelio Voltaire Lyric Starters

(Adjust pronouns/titles as needed.)

"I want to hurt the one's who've hurt you."

"What's your plan to survive when you find you're alone in the dark?"

"You're still the dandy highwayman that they're too scared to mention."

"Heed the sign that says 'Beware the Beast of Pirate's Bay'."

"I never meant to lie, but there are things we do and say to get by."

"An evil skeleton made off with my beef burrito!"

"Look at me! I'm almost a human being!"

"Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish!"

"And I'll tell ya, ol' boy: don't go in the basement!"

"Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need!"

"It's a crime to the heavens for even a while to hide for a moment that beautiful smile!"

"Step right up! I'm a reasonable guy!"

"See, the risk of combating monsters is the risk of becoming monsters."

"Come with me to the other side!"

"Hey, numbskull! Look at me!"

"She's a rotten kind of cute."

"I never did like the way humans made me feel."

"If you go by the riverside you'll lose your life!"

"There's an evil stench creeping on the wind."

"There was something very wrong with Copernicus."

"Don't regret it, he deserved it, he's a cad."

"Love the pearls, they'll make a great tourniquet!"

"When I said I was evil, what did you think that meant?"

"I heard it was rough but how bad could it be?"

"No one's gonna cry at your funeral."

"I just lament all these barrels of wasted rum."

"Hell hath no fury like a vampire's scorn."

"Don't move. Don't speak."

"Consider a human skull!"

"It's hard to be a creature in a human town."

"I've been a sinner, I've been a saint."

"I'm far renowned in the underground."

[listslistslists]

𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕄𝕒𝕘𝕟𝕦𝕤 ℙ𝕣𝕠𝕥𝕠𝕔𝕠𝕝 (𝕖𝕡. 𝟙-𝟙𝟞) (stupid vers)

a collection of stupid quotes from episode 1-16 of The Magnus Protocol that make it sounds like an office comedy instead of a horror podcast, use as you wish, adjust as needed

It is a privilege and an honour to be horrible in your ears once again.

I care. Not a lot, mind. Don’t flatter yourself.

It’s okay, [Name]; We’re figuring it out, cutie.

Don’t hit on the computer while I’m working on it.

Let me guess- fancy gowns, champagne, bathing in the blood of the poor- that sort of thing?

I'm the patron saint of cute wimps.

It's a good place to canoodle.

That’s cool. Babies are cool.

No one in this entire place will give me a single ounce of respect.

That nearly went very badly.

I'm breaking the boundaries of what it means to dance.

You can be creeped out or sarcastic but not both.

Nice chair. I could look real ominous swiveling in that thing.

Don’t be gross.

Some of us do actual work here. At our job. Which pays us.

Dark love to all my creepy sweeties!

I'm mysterious~

God bless Bitcoin, amiright?

I should probably stop getting tattoos of your face and return all your kidnapped pets.

Thanks, [name]. Utterly useless as always.

Treason's “bussin'” and “fire”, but it won't look good on your CV.

I thought you were a goth?

Your girl is goth- not a ghoul.

Welcome to my twisted mind.

[rainbowdelicsunshine]

Starter for @heartsintertwine

Piper Vogal was making her way back home to the trailer that she was sharing with her roommate Tiffany, holding two plastic bags full of junk food and soda she had gotten from the nearby store and wearing a glow-in-the-dark hockey mask splattered with blue, pink, and purple glow-in-the-dark paint to guide her way back through the dark night and tall grass.

Once she was at the door of the trailer home, she let a sigh of victory and exhaustion as she opened the door and stepped inside.

---

"Yo Tiff! I'm back! I hope that stupid emo douche boyfriend of yours has left by now, or I"mma kick him in the face, again"!

---

She then noticed something, or she had a feeling it was more like someone seemed to be sitting in what looked like a playpen you would put a child into, now wondering who her roommate took hostage.

A mischievous and conniving smirk came across Piper's face as she came up with a devilish idea!

She then, as if she was Jason Voorhees himself, started to slowly lumber towards the playpen, leaning more towards one side than the other with each step.

Once she made her fifth step towards the figure in the playpen, she bolted like a bat out of hell straight in the front of the playpen and started pounding on it with her fist as she screamed bloody murder to stir up her roommate's captive.

"WELCOME TO THE BIRDCAGE, MOTHERFUCKER"!!!

---

(icon art was made by the ultra talented @twyz)

[quirkthieves]

8!

Keep Up - Karma Carr

"Oh my god!" The shocked proclamation bounces off of the walls of the subway, followed by footsteps-- but it wasn't one of fear, nor hostility.

"I love your hair!" The teen that stops in front of Shigaraki has a head of similarly styled waves, albeit dark in color. "It makes me wanna go blonde again, but my ma would kill me. Natty or dyed? If it's bottle, that's some crazy good toner you got. I like it. Orange wouldn't work with your complexion, I think. But this works." One hand is rapidly typing on her phone, the screen clearly displaying a Twitter draft-- "just saw the prettiest plat on the subway omfg" She hits the post button, and one thumb expertly swipes her over to Instagram. The moment her feed refreshes, a picture of a group of U.A. students-- boys from class 1-A-- pops up. She pauses to look at it and cackles, before showing the screen to Shigaraki.

"Girl you're not gonna believe this. Mr. Bombastic's face card's overdraft!" Her nail taps on Bakugo and then moves to Midoriya. "And what's up with this kid? Bitch is built like Bilbo Baggins!" Her cackling continues. She doesn't appear to recognized the disguised villain-- just that kind of personality.

"Which stop are you headin' for? I'm off to Tattooine. We should totally hang if you're goin' that way. I've got time to kill before I head back to school-- do you like boba? A new boba place opened over there, I'm psyched."

[madame-helen]

[davekatzdefensesquad]

Rifftrax quotes

[crownmemes]

Jeeves and Wooster Sentences, Condensed

(Sentences from Jeeves and Wooster (1990-1993). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"I was given to understand that you required a valet."

"Don't you like this suit?"

"Pardon me for asking, but are you proposing to appear in public in those garments?"

"Tell me, were you always like this, or did it come on suddenly?"

"Were you an outstandingly brilliant child?"

"I have said all I intend to say on the matter."

"Wake up! It's time you were dressed!"

"I will not do it. That's final. I simply will not do it."

"Were it not for the juice of the grape and the grain, weddings would be a thing of the past!"

"You're the most wonderful man in the whole wonderful world!"

"I must warn you that my patience is not inexhaustible."

"Stand up straight! Is that the way they teach you to stand nowadays?"

"Now, I'm not a complaining sort of chap as a rule, but I must say that in the future, you might want to be a little more careful!"

"I've not proposed yet, but I'm going to!"

"Is there any girl you haven't been engaged to?"

"Don't tell me you've broken the habit of a lifetime and actually found a job?"

"Do you realise that I don't usually get out of my pyjamas until five in the afternoon?"

"You're pretty cute, you know that?"

"With respect, I am capable of retaining more than one thought in my mind at the same time."

"Now, about this moustache - you don't like it, do you?"

"I shall ignore that cheap jibe!"

"Do be quiet for a minute and listen!"

"Where on earth did you go to school?"

"Kindly do not interrupt me."

"We're not going to have a difference of opinion about my hat, are we?"

"Let's not start this tedious argument again."

"I didn't know you were musical!"

"What is wrong with men today?"

[the-estranged-estrangedaframian]

open rp | (Estrell’s bio)

connection: friends, roommates, co-worker, boyfriend, etc.

open to: m/f/nb. m only for romantic.

“Are you seriously worried I’m going to try and DROWN you again? I haven’t done that since we were kids! Besides, I like totally aced my CPR class at the Y, last fall... So if something did happen to happen...”

 “Please, please, please- Come in the water with me?”

[estrangedaframian]

“Wanna join my team to save Splash Mountain? Only three weeks till closin’... We got our work cut out for us! Com’ on!”