#combined with dysphoria would kill me

[meowsticmarvels]

thinking about trans phi again... godd the hc means sooo much to me and i think it could really be interesting combined with her existing characterization. a girl who has barely any agency in the narrative and very much just a variable in the larger loop of time declaring agency over this part of her identity. she knows that much about herself, at least. she in canon defines herself as things like "not a normal human being" and "not a man" - quite often things she's NOT rather than what she IS. but what about that? what about what she IS? there's so much mystery and complexity to phi's identity and how she views and defines it and how SHIFTing affects it all. i can imagine it would fuck you up to some degree considering you now live with the memories of versions of you that made different decisions. so I don't know. it's interesting to me i think. phi you are so transgender

[thereallyreallylatebird]

From some of the discourse I've seen, I've gotten the impression that some people think intersectionality is like math. Let me explain.

Some people think of certain identities as universally giving privilege (we'll say these have a value of +1) and some as universally taking privileged/causing discrimination/bigotry/etc. (we'll say these have a value of -1).

And what I've seen is that people will add these values and decide how hard someone has it based on the value of the product.

For example: A white (+1) Christian (+1) gay (-1) man (+1) would have a score of 2, since 1+1-1+1 is 2. (Keep in mind I'm not saying people literally do this sort of math, though I have actually seen charts that do, it's more of a way of illustrating a way of thinking I've seen.)

The problem with this, of course, is that this isn't how the world works at all. Depending on where he lived and his situation in general, that white Christian gay man could be bullied severely, called slurs, or even beaten and killed--all things you wouldn't expect going off a score of 2--because intersectionality is not like math. And because, in some places, this man's gayness would overshadow all his other identities.

Also, this mathy way of looking at things fails to consider how identities interact with each other. For instance, (and this is something several of my mutuals, but especially @dysphoria-things, have discussed in the past) a trans man's identity as a man does *not* serve to "cancel out" his being trans in the eyes of society. First, many won't even view him as a man. Second, even if he is viewed as a man by a certain group, he still may be subject to less explicit forms of transphobia. Not to mention the expectation many hold that he perform his man-ness in order for them to keep seeing him as a man. There's a lot more to unpack here specifically, but the previously mentioned mutual has already done many many posts on this, and is more qualified to speak on this than I am as a cis person, so I suggest you go check that blog out if you want to hear more on this topic.

Another example would be one of *my* identity intersections. That of being aromantic and allosexual. Now, being allosexual (not asexual) is not a minority identity. However, it by no means "cancels-out" my aromanticism. In fact, the specific combination of this majority identity (allosexuality) with my aromanticism actually leads to some seriously nasty assumptions and stereotypes. Because what do you think goes through the majority of people's (especially conservative's) heads when they hear "Oh I'm attracted to people sexually, but not romantically." Nothing flattering.

Point is, intersectionality is not like math. Having a majority identity does not necessarily mean that identity will always be rewarded (especially depending on the combination with a minority identity), and also this way of thinking is one thing that can start people down the "oppression-olympics/who has it worst" route, which is helpful and productive to exactly no one. The world is complicated, society is complicated, and people are complicated. And anything boiled down this much is usually inaccurate enough to be useless or actively harmful. Thank you for coming to my TED-talk.

[glitch-but-ya]

The echo of who I once was. II

"Let your memory of me fade with time" II

TAGS: Mentions of violence and death, dysphoria, mental health struggles.

WORD COUNT: 2,543 words Tag list: @withering-dream , @moonlight-inthe-sea A/N: For better understanding, I’d recommend reading Sylus’s anecdotes.

PART 1

!THIS STORY IS HEAVILY DEPENDENT ON "BEYOND CLOUDFALL" AND MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS!

Memories are both a curse and a blessing, don’t you think? That which gives us strength to push through the darkest parts of our lives can also be the one to drive us to the very edge of the cliff. The weight of them feels like a chain coiled around your throat, binding you to your past. Neither of us can escape destiny. But still, I wonder what would happen if neither of our memories were restored. Would you love me then? Or was I destined to never be yours?

Sylus didn’t know the answer. He kept reading.

When you told me that you loved me, I felt happy. I know how mundane that sounds. But when you said that I was yours, I felt as if my life suddenly had purpose. All my years of hardship had led me to you, and I was content. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was worth something—worth someone’s attention, worth living for. That’s why I couldn’t let you go—I couldn’t let go of the chance to live. I’m sorry.

He knows.

My selfishness, combined with this newfound sense of euphoria, led me to cling to you desperately and overwhelm you with my presence. I completely overlooked the obvious hints you threw at me occasionally, all because I wanted to believe that you loved me. I was scared. I thought that if I were to take notice, you’d abandon me, and I’d lose you. This is not an excuse, but simply an explanation. Whether you forgive me or not, well… I wouldn’t know anyway.

Sylus took a sip from his glass.

I don’t expect us to meet again.

He doesn’t either.

And that’s why, I want to tell you everything, so I can leave without regrets. Forgive me. This is the last selfish act I’ll perform.

Sylus set the envelope down, sealing it back with admirable precision. He threw his head back against the headboard and sighed. He couldn’t believe he let the aether core slip away. And he couldn't believe he couldn't find it in himself to reshape you into another form. In every possibility, you'd come around eventually. So why did he feel as helpless as a sculptor standing before his own crumbling statue? A part of him knew that you couldn't be changed. You loathed your former self, he could tell.

And to add to his frustration, he simply did not have time for this. He was due to a ‘business’ trip within the N109 zone—his presence was required at a seemingly ordinary auction trafficking illegal protocores. The leader of Onychinus was a busy man, after all. How could he let emotions overwhelm him when so much in his life depended on his nonchalance? He was a fool for thinking he could reform you. He had mistaken you for gold. Unfortunately, as softhearted as you were, you couldn’t be molten and hammered into what he wanted you to be. But he couldn’t deny that it was also partially his fault because he knew.

‘Please kill me.’

From the moment he used his aether core to listen in on your desires, he knew that you’d already lost what made you his sorceress. The heart that once yearned for bloodshed and vengeance was now reduced to a blubbering mess, waiting for the day it’d stop beating. The voices that once wished to claim his authority were replaced by a feeble, pitiful voice. You were weak and untainted, like the humans he hunted down for a couple of gold to add to his collection. And yet, a part of him held on. He didn’t know what it was. Denial, he assumed. The inability to accept that his beloved was no more. Or perhaps it was the guilt of injustice being done upon you. He had barely scratched the surface of your desires, after all. Perhaps there was more that lay beyond your wish to die. But whatever it was, it wasn’t her. Listening to your voice for longer wouldn’t bring her back. Even so, letting you go wasn’t the wisest choice either.

After all, his relationship with you served two purposes: love (formerly) and the aether core. Now, he’d lost the chance to claim both. All because he let his emotions take hold. Sylus felt pathetic. And for the first time, he doubted his own abilities. He was torn between the choice of taking the leap and bringing you back, and staying on the other end of the crumbling bridge to wait and see how things would unfold from here. The chance of another aether core existing on this planet was slim.

But not entirely impossible.

Sylus’s form loomed over the city below, his crimson eyes gazing into its depths. Lights dotted the cityscape in irregular patterns. A full moon hung proudly in the sky, almost as if welcoming his arrival. There was a crow perched on his shoulder. The crow had ruby eyes, quite similar to his own. Behind him stood two smaller, masked men, ready to obey his orders. A familiar wind howled past them—a dry breeze lacking warmth and life, carrying nothing but dust, reminiscent of the way you had hollowed out something within him. He stood, eyeing the crowds below. Not long after, he raised his head, gazing at the sky awash in hues of red. This auction was an incubator for human desires—greed, gluttony, and lust.

“Is everything ready?”

“Yes, boss!”, they chanted in unison. A slight smirk tugged at Sylus’s lips. Of course, he wouldn’t have attended such a low-class auction if something hadn’t caught his watchful eye. This time, what appeared was exactly what he sought. A valuable gem, a treasure eclipsing the finest of its kind—a certain aether core had been passed around insignificant auctions under the guise of an ordinary protocore. It had caught the attention of several other corporations, excluding his own. This time, the stakes were high, and failure could have severe consequences. He could lose everything. But did it really matter anymore? The only reason for his stay in this world was you. If he simply wished, he could start over on a planet far from yours, where he could live his life as a relentless conqueror, unbothered and undisturbed by your curse.

Sylus's hand unconsciously traveled to his eye—the very eye 'you' wished to claim so dearly. He grazed it with his fingers.

Sylus... I curse your soul...

He clenched his eyes shut.

Only I can grant you a true death.

He knew that the aether core in your heart wasn't the only one of its kind aside from his own. Surely, there existed another one somewhere across the cosmos. But that was the problem. Throughout the endless tapestry of planets, universes, and possibilities, where would he search? And amidst the legion of life forms across worlds, how could he be sure that his sovereignty surpassed all others? Earth was, by far, the easiest land to graze. So he couldn’t let go of this opportunity. Not yet.

If it were him a few months ago, the mere idea of leaving Earth would have torn him apart. But now, if the aether core slipped from his grasp, he would wander aimlessly until he caught wind of a new sighting. Perhaps, it was all a grand scheme of his own to escape you. Sylus had never fled from anything before.

His hands gripped the railing. It wasn’t the time to daydream. There was an opening laid out for him in plain sight. One rightfully timed strike and the aether core was his. His gaze scrutinized the large building before him, where the auction would take place.

Your words both held him back and urged him forward. A lovesick side of him cried out, begging him to open his eyes and try to understand the changes that had occurred. But his wrath would not let him. How dare you? After all these years of searching, after all the sacrifices he'd made, after all the pain he had endured in your place—how dare you betray him like this? Eventually, one arose triumphant. Very well, then. If you were going to leave, then so be it. He would let you have your way.

Taking a sharp breath, Sylus descended.

A sigh escaped your lips. You eyed yourself in the bathroom mirror, your hair falling like a veil over your face. Tracing the dips and curves of your body, you felt alien to yourself—flawed, unfamiliar. The incessant drip of water trickling down played monotonously in the background of your thoughts. You felt flawed. You couldn’t recognize yourself in the mirror.

Your hand shot out. Your fingers caressed your own figure, who stared back at you. "Who was I before this?" you whispered, your head tilting slightly. "You were me, weren't you? Then why…" Your hand stilled. The finger pressed down on the reflection of your face with increasing pressure. "I hate you. So why do I wish to be you?"

That night, you couldn’t squeeze in even a second of sleep. Something within you ached. You didn’t know if it was the wrathful throb in your head or the melancholic sting in your heart. Every time you shut your eyes, a figure emerged from the darkness. A white-haired woman with scarlet eyes and sharp features. She looked nothing like you. The mere sight of her formed a lump in your chest. Her face radiated mock cruelty and greed, like a simmering pot of rotting wine; disgusting and bubbling. Her form was hauntingly elegant, almost ethereal—if not for the maggots writhing beneath her skin. An ever-present source of desire seethed from within her soul. It stank like the decaying flesh of a dead rabbit. Her soul reeked of the miserable fixations of humanity, the same delusions that transformed humans into harbingers of destruction. She was the type to bring death upon those she deemed unworthy, to burn whoever she pleased, and to warm the few who stood by her side. She was like a blazing, crackling fire that emerged from a hearth set alight by its own gluttony and greed. She was utterly human. There was no other word to describe it. She was exactly who you loathed: an usurper wrapped in a cloak of fragile beauty.

She didn’t just occupy your sleep. Even at work, you found yourself subconsciously drawn to the thought: How could she ever be you? You couldn’t fathom it. Even in a past life, the thought of yourself turning out like her seemed inconceivably alien. You figured that if there were a past incarnation of you, she would resonate with you as if she were an extension of yourself. But every time you lingered on her memory, you felt increasingly isolated. The harder you tried to reach out, the further she drifted—like a small boat being pushed farther from a warship. The larger ship's mighty waves pushed the boat farther and farther, no matter how desperately the boat rowed toward it. Although, the main concern was staying afloat. Your main concern should’ve been the aether core. Wasn’t that why you stayed? Was it truly because of love, and not the opportunity to extract information about the aether core from Sylus? You couldn’t believe yourself. For a moment, you wondered, how could you let the aether core slip away?

Your grip on your desk tightened, your knuckles turning white. The voices around you blurred into one until the only thing you could hear were the whispers of your own destructive mind spitting venom into your ears. Captain Jenna’s voice diminished in importance, and you found yourself focusing more on the thought of her.

After experiencing the dream of your past, her sight plagued your mind. Sometimes, she was clad in jewels (all while she reeked of greed). Other times, she was driving the greatsword into the dragon's chest. You couldn’t deny that if she hadn’t fought back, she probably wouldn’t have lived long enough to become the dragon's beloved. Whereas you would’ve been killed taking a different approach. You are grateful for her unwavering will to live, and you are grateful that she brought Sylus into your life.

But what you could never forgive was the image of herself she carved into his heart. The powerful ‘sorceress’ feared by all, the young dragon fledgling whose horns had just begun to sprout—how he could worship that, you wondered. She was just a weaker version of himself. Perhaps she possessed something you couldn’t see. Either way, what was the point of lingering on this matter? There’s no use in assigning blame. No matter how ferociously you loathe her, she will always occupy his heart. Revenge has no purpose. It only initiates endless suffering and a cycle of inflicting pain. All you could do was move on with your life. You weren’t going to meet him again, anyway. Or so you thought.

"And you will be going to the N109 zone," Captain Jenna began, breaking your trance with a simple sentence and jolting you awake. "Any queries?" she concluded. You weren’t sure how you looked. Looking back, you probably should’ve asked Tara to hold a mirror to your face. You must’ve looked aggravatingly stupid. Like an imbecile who had just hopped into the wrong room. Perhaps Sylus's talk about "destiny" and "fate" wasn’t just to sound wise and philosophical. You were seriously wondering how fate could’ve stabbed you in the back like this. Your vow to Sylus would be broken due to a silly mission. How comical.

But you couldn’t just accept this, of course. So, after the meeting had ended, you walked into Jenna’s office.

"There is nobody more capable of pulling off this mission than you." Fate must really be playing games with you, huh? "But, Captain…" you opened your mouth to protest, but were quickly silenced by Jenna’s sharp gaze. "You’ve been to the N109 zone, haven’t you? And you came back alive. This isn’t just any mission—it’s critical. We need someone who can handle the pressure. Someone familiar with the dangers." Her gaze scanned your form. "This mission is not only dangerous but extremely vital. That is why I will be pairing you with Xavier. Only the two of you can execute this mission flawlessly." You tilted your head curiously. You zoned out during the meeting, so you could only assume it was something related to the aether core. What else could be so vital as to require the best hunter on board? But if Xavier is with you, perhaps you can find an excuse to steer clear of Sylus. Not that you expect him to show himself to you openly, but letting him know that you’re here with a hunter only accentuates that you are here strictly for business. Although you don’t want Xavier to be caught up in this, this mission may lead you to crucial knowledge about your very own aether core. You looked down and placed a hand where your heart would be. You couldn’t let this chance slip away.

"So, I believe the two of you won’t disappoint," the Captain said, turning to you, her chin raised high. You immediately straightened your posture and cleared your throat. "Yes, ma’am."

Hello!! I wanted to say: thank you so much for your votes regarding the previous fic! Although I’d intended to keep it as an ‘angst-with-no-comfort’ oneshot, I decided against it due to some people commenting on how a part two would be great (I couldn’t resist writing the story anyway. I had a plan for it in my head beforehand which I’d intended to keep to myself. The comments only fuelled that desire further). I do hope this doesn’t end up becoming a major flop. I apologize for the time it took to write this much. I’ve been very busy lately; unfortunately, I do not see myself having free time in the future either. But I’ll try my best to keep up with this! Oh, and, for the people who want to keep viewing the initial ending as it was, you can! I understand that some people may not be happy with this series. So, you are free to interpret it as you wish! I had multiple endings planned for this anyway. And, YES! The title of the series has officially been changed.

[xxx-ang3l-w1th-a-sh0tgun-xxx]

Dykepunk

- an identity i created which combines gender and sexuality relating to femininity, womanhood, lesbianism and the punk subculture.

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2 flag designs i made (inspired by the voidpunk flag design):

symbol design which combines the double venus symbol (⚢) and the non-binary symbol (🜬) to indicate the combination of both gender identity and sexuality:

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Example: "they're a dykepunk" "we're dykepunks"

Gender identities: non-binary, transmasc, transfem, unlabelled, genderfluid, agender, queer, etc

Pronouns: any, she, they, he, neopronouns, nounself pronouns

Attracted to: non-men, women, non-binary

Attraction type: romantic, sexual, platonic, any (can also be aro and/or ace spec) (can be polyamorous or monogamous)

Related themes and identities: lesbian, sapphic, lunarian, voidpunk, punk subculture, rejecting society, inclusivity

Date of origin: Sept 2024

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Details & Info:

Dykepunk is a label which combines sexuality and gender related to a connection to femininity, girl/womanhood, an attraction to women/non-men and a connection to the punk subculture, especially feminist punk like "riot grrrl".

There is a rejection of femininity during childhood or adolescence due to sexism or trauma and a reconnection to femininity and acceptance of feminine gender presentation during early adulthood.

The slur "dyke" is reclaimed due to connection to lesbianism and often a rejection from society due to some form of trauma or discrimination (e.g. bullying, hate crime, rejection from community/family).

Gender identity is seen as a social construct and used as a fun and interesting way of expressing individuality rather than "fitting in" with society's expectation of gender presentation. This identity comes under the transgender (and non-binary) umbrella but gender dysphoria is not required.

Dykepunks are often rejected from the lesbian community especially if they use masculine pronouns (he/him/they/them) or present their gender in more masculine ways, e.g. taking testosterone, having top surgery etc. This identity does not specifically exclude these masculine identities/expressions. The connection to "femininity" is a feeling rather than a look; an individual can "look masculine" and still have these connections to femininity and lesbianism. This label is inclusive and can be used by any individual who feels a connection to this identity in any way.

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Inspirations: punk, riot grrrl, activism, feminism, Bikini Kill, Barbara Hammer, lesbian history, the effects of discrimination and trauma on one's identity / attraction to others.

I created this identity as i felt that my gender identity and sexuality are one thing together, combined - i feel that they come hand in hand and other labels separated the two, making it hard for me to find a label that represented me, or even a community that felt accepting.

anyone who relates to this can use this label, the flag(s) and the symbol i created except i do NOT want TERFs to claim this label.

if you repost my flags/icons i would appreciate being credited but this isn't necessary! <3

[licncourt]

hi!!! i'm new to tvc and your blog so im not sure if this has been done yet but :'D i just wanted to ask your thoughts on akasha, even generally speaking? thanks!

Welcome!!! I have lots of thoughts on Akasha, but mainly I think her existence tells us a lot about the author and provides a lot of context for how AR approaches female characters in the series overall. I think Akasha, Claudia, and Gabrielle are a very succinct look at how Anne viewed women and the archetypes she felt existed within womanhood. Akasha is really the final boss of anti-feminist strawmen, written to be the ultimate evil and Bad Woman, but she just kind of ends up being an almost-compelling female character instead.

I think Gabrielle has strong elements of that, but the fact that she was so heavily inspired by AR's mother softens the narrative to her some despite the bitterness there. Akasha is something else though, and the narrative on a meta level does not seem to feel sympathy for her.

AR obviously had a very complicated relationship with her own womanhood and a virtually unshakable "not like other girls" mentality her entire life. It was some truly breathtaking internalized misogyny or maybe even a case of gender dysphoria that turned toxic. I doubt we'll ever know for sure, but that loathing she seemed to feel towards womanhood is very much on display in QotD.

Looking at the book as a female reader, I can't help but feel sorry for Akasha on some fundamental level despite the absolute evil she also commits. She was a queen, but doomed to be subservient to her husband on the basis of gender. Then, through some incredible accident, she's suddenly the most powerful human being there's even been, only to then be tortured and spend thousands of years internally conscious but unable to move, speak, or do anything at all.

It's almost an Eve story, a woman who is designed to be a man's inferior who instead seized knowledge and power (and the narrative), gained autonomy from and influence over her male counterpart, and then was punished for it by the larger forces at play. In some ways she reminds me of Claudia too, driven insane by her circumstances and unable to comprehend her own monstrosity, but she's also more evil than Claudia was ever capable of being due to her age (torturing and ordering the rape of of Maharet and Mekare, forcibly turning Khayman, etc).

If Anne had left it at that and changed her goals to be less grandiose, I think her character would have read better and been a more complex and convincing villain in the evil-but-a-victim-of-circumstance way that so many VC vampires are. That's one of my favorite things about the original VC vampires that was present in Akasha but not executed with quite enough finesse. Instead, I think Anne takes it way too far into cartoonish hatred for feminist stereotypes.

For most authors I wouldn't feel confident saying that was the intention but AR, if nothing else, aggressively involves her personal feelings and beliefs in her work, often to the detriment of the story. VC is just the fictionalized inside of her head and we know that. Combined with her other female characters and her own public statements, it's hard not to eye roll at the climax of QotD when Akasha decides she's going to kill 90% of human men and turn the Earth into a new Eden with her as the goddess for the human women (and male human chattel).

In that sense of her character, it seems like foreshadowing to Blood Canticle Lestat reprimanding the audience directly, just Anne finding something to be irrationally angry about and writing it into her book. I've said before that QotD is a step below IWTV and TVL because the cracks in her writing really start to drag the book down like they would for the rest of the series to a rather extreme degree. Knowing this was her last book with an editor, I'm curious how much of the overall readability of the book can be attributed to that/how far gone Anne already was at this point.

In spite of all that, it is kind of fun to go balls to the wall and take a Hell Yeah Get Them mentality when Akasha goes scorched earth because despite it all, it's sort of cathartic to watch a overpowered female vampire go on the warpath and scream all the deepest frustrations with patriarchy that many women struggle with. At the same time, it's hard to fully enjoy it knowing authorial intent (and reading it all within the context of the sexual violence Akasha perpetrated with Anne's usual lack of nuance). That's kind of par for the course though, most things in VC are Almost Good and that's what keeps us on the hook.

[new-tella-us]

Aaaaaah, I just remembered the many mental issues that these incubi are definitely facing thanks to their upbringing.

Yknow what that means. Seduce Me Situations! (Cause I'm bored) What are the many mental issues of the incubi and how to both they and Mika deal with them.

Let's get the universal thing out of the way. Daddy Issues. Every single one of these guys has a different flavor of daddy issue.

James- I have already pointed out his perfectionist but it was mostly related to how he sees others. But do not get it twisted, any form of harsh judgement he has about his brothers, he is ten times harsher on himself! He will not allow himself to enjoy a nice afternoon if everything he has to do for the day isn't done and/or everyone he's living with isn't taken care of. He is not good at coping with his, it's how he lived for so long, it's second nature to him. Mika isn't taking that though and has a lot of days set just to take the load off James's shoulders. By god, this man will relax if it's the last thing Mika does.

Erik- What is being honest about your feelings? That's a bit overrated, right? At least, Erik thinks so. It's all about how to get what he needs. He speaks with a clear end goal to the interaction and will say almost anything to get to that end goal. Over time, he will learn to be more honest but he's been this way for so long that he has to rediscover himself. And that's scary. But he's making decent progress. Mika tries to help by simply giving Erik variety. Different activities, different talking points, different locations to be in. It helps Erik know what he likes and dislikes.

Sam- Well obvious thing here is anger issues especially if we're talking about canon Sam. If we include the lore I made specifically, we get an extra issues, identity issues and cynicism! He feels like he's less of his own person and more of just a combination of his mother and father. Plus, he's seen too much violence and has convinced himself that is "the real world" and not just the darkest parts of the world. Naturally, as he's been taken out of that harsh reality, he'll come to soften up but he also has to actively not feed into his confirmation bias. Mika helps by just being a good example of how good people can thrive in the real world. Though, of all the brothers, Sam is like...the second most mentally stable.

Matthew- He has a need to prove himself to others. Also mommy issues. Probably the most mentally stable of the brothers, his issues don't cloud his life as much as it clouds theirs. Though his insecurities do get to him. Being the smallest and physically weakest of the incubi means he over compensated with his magic and reliability. And even with that, Matthew wasn't given as many chances to be reliable. A final insecurity of his would be his jealousy. Mainly of James. In Matthew's eyes, he's just as powerful as James but their father outright dismissed him. He knows that he shouldn't care what his father thinks but even if he hates the guy, parental recognition is what almost every child wants. Mika helps by reminding him of his strengths and that he doesn't need to prove himself to anyone.

Damien- What issues does that boy NOT have?? Mommy issues, daddy issues, jealousy issues, self worth issues, PTSD, body dysphoria. Okay... let me explain that last one. Damien HATES the fact that he's a demon. He feels like demons hurt people while humans are more helpful and get to learn anything they want. He also feels like he, specially, hurts people but he wouldn't be able to if he was human. Does that not sound like dysphoria? The fact that he's no where near as critical of his brothers also helps my theory. Idk, when I've felt dysphoria over some part of me, I never notice it on other people. It's less "this is bad" and more "This is bad on me" and I feel like that's what Damien is. Tbh, I don't think Damien is coping well, he's possessive and keeps most of his issues bottled up. But hey, killing his dad at least brought closure. Mika is gunna help by listening to his issues, providing a safe environment for when he wants to talk and dragging his ass to therapy. She will be there for him but she not prepared to deal with the massive amounts of physical and psychological damage that happened to that boy.

Bonus! MIKA

Cause GOD Mika deserves a break.

Once again Daddy issues. Everyone suffers from it. Mika's is just a different brand of daddy issues. Going by my specific lore, David is a lot nicer to Mika but he still is shit at making it clear that he loves her. Plus he is still trying to get her to become the next CEO. So, like James, Mika's got some perfectionism. Plus her grandfather died and she is not given enough time to grieve before she has to move into his house and go back to school. Plus the boys and all the murderers coming after them. Mika is highly stressed. And, again, going by my lore, she also has mild depression! Yaaaaaay, Mika isn't having a good time. I think all the boys provide her a very similar benefit, a person she feels like she can lean on and trust. Her friends are nice but they'll move away at some point, but the boys are here to stay.

In conclusion- Daddy Issues. All of them have it.

[texanmarcusdavenport]

Mighty Med Headcanons

Gus

Gus is secretly a Perry. They have a lot in common: weird side character that shows up at the most (in)opportune moments, has an unrealistic variety of skills and resources, a past that's WAY too storied to be true yet somehow it is??, and obsessive behavior over their romantic interests (Perry with Douglas & Gus with Jordan). If they're not related, they'd 100% get along like a house on fire if they did meet.

Gus and Oliver are childhood friends of the "our parents forced us to hang out" variety. Oliver is GOBSMACKED that both his parents like Gus better than Kaz. Like. How??

Jordan

Jordan!! I <3 her. There’s a post going around on here that says she should've been in Elite Force instead of AJ & I 100% agree. She does seem like the type that'd be a surprisingly good hacker... and honestly I just really miss her :(

Her & Daniel(le) would get along. I have no proof I just know it. Troublemakers Inc(TM)

Kaz(imieras)

Pansexual & polyamorous. As long as everyone's having fun he's down for whatever

Transfem genderfluid, he/she/it. Starts by calling itself a woman/girl casually until Oliver's like. Kaz is there anything you want to tell me. & Kaz is like pfffft what no that's ridiculous ha ha Oliver I think I'd know if I was transgender. Then Kaz thinks about it & it's like. Damn it.

It/its pronouns also happen via jokes, she's just like. I'm like if a girl were a bug :) or perhaps a small mammal. Until someone calls her 'it' and she's like. Hm. Kinda slaps.

Doesn't even realize she has dysphoria, just starts acting & dressing more feminine when it suits her & 2 years later she's like. Huh. I haven't been avoiding mirrors lately. Wonder what that's about?

Combined-type ADHD

Dyslexic & dysgraphic. Only got through English by the Grace of God (Oliver). But I headcanon that other than spelling & syntax errors he's actually a great writer when he puts the effort in. He'd kill in public speaking but he'd never do that lol.

If she had a Normo job, it'd be firefighter

Oliver

Trans guy, he/him. He & Kaz are transmasc/transfem solidarity. His mom is more supportive than his dad.

OCD, anxiety, autistic. Gets all 3 from his parents which is part of the reason it took so long to get a diagnosis (both of them just thought getting crippling bouts of anxiety was normal).

Aroallo, specifically cupioromantic bisexual... this is so important to me you don't understand. Oliver is a very codependent character and I think learning to live on his own & not be jealous of his friends would be a great character arc for him.

He & Kaz r so fucking queerplatonic don't even get me started. Do Not Seperate Them.

Skylar Storm

Ace lesbian

She's an alien so I don't think she prescribes to human gender roles like. At all. So she's not really "trans" or "cis", but she does use she/xhe pronouns & mostly describe herself as a woman.

Futch Skylar... futch Skylar supremacy!! Has a sort of complicated relationship with presentation and whatnot, human femininity is sort of the norm for Skylarkind as a fashion trend. Xhe and Experion actually were both ostracized for their presentation (butch/trans Experion my beloved <3). I think xhe prefers more masculine dress but in fun styles and colors because, in her words, "practicality doesn't have to be boring".

Skylar Storm is essentially just a stage name, it started as anickname based on a very loose translation of xyr actual name.

Alan Diaz

Trans guy, any pronouns. Mostly because they're confused by language as a concept.

You know how its a running gag in MM that Horace never taught him how to count past eighty? That, but with language. Horace speaks Arabic, Old Castilian, & Mexican Spanish interchangeably so Alan grew up thinking that's just how people talk. Mix that with random alien languages &, well, they're incomprehensible on the best of days.

Doesn't know they're trans. Like they're trans obviously but if you told her that she wouldn't really understand.

Oliver: so you were, uh, born a girl but you're a boy now?

Alan: no, I'm a boy.

Oliver: yeah, obviously, but like, physically--

Alan: What Normo nonsense are you on about.

And it continues like that.

Polysexual, and if xe were married xe'd be a Wife Guy (positive).

[not-tomorrow-satan-blog]

Just as a side note to everyone (I don't know who sees these, who reads them, and who cares. I also don't care how many people see and read these. If you're having a good day, that's awesome and I'm proud of you. Definitely keep scrolling, because a lot of my stuff cam get depressing. If you're having a bad day and need someone to tell you they're proud of you, that's what I'm here for.)

Anyways, if you've seen much or any of my posts, you'd probably get the impression that I'm fairly mental health focused. I am. I advocate strongly for positive mental health, especially online where anonymity is prevalent, because I know how bad mental health can get. I've been depressed (still am), I've had anxiety, I've wondered what's wrong with me because I can't fit in anywhere. I've dealt with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (not a great combination with depression), childhood emotional neglect, parentification and villification at the same time, somehow. I've looked at my future and asked myself, "I don't have anything to look forward to, so why do I care if I'm alive?"And answered that with "I don't. I really don't care if I'm alive or if I'm dead. I'll feel nothing either way". I've looked up the dosages of medications and prescriptions that could kill me. I've dreamed of falling asleep and never waking up. I've cut myself and hurt myself, emotionally and physically, because I thought that all I would ever amount to is a burden on others and a waste of time and energy. Hell, I still sometimes wonder what the point of being alive is (thankfully, it's less of a "I want to die" and more of a "Is there a purpose to it all, or are we just the newest dinosaurs, waiting for our asteroid,". All this is to say, I get it. I might not understand exactly what you're going through (there's some things that I will just never experience and so all I can do is offer support), but I get exactly how draining it is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, when every step you take seems to create a new obstacle for you to climb. That's why I make the posts that I do. If, when I was in my worst possible mindset, someone created something that I could look at and go "I'm not alone. I'm not exaggerating or spiraling or catastrophizing. Other people experience it too, and they understand." I probably would have still struggled, but not the way I have. I might not have wondered whether I'm exaggerating my mental state or my earlier years and gaslit myself into almost quitting therapy. So these posts are for anyone and everyone that needs a reminder to breathe, needs a distraction during stressful times, or even just needs an anonymous shoulder to cry on. I'm always here if you guys need something. I can't talk politics, religion, or anything else, for my mental health, but if you guys need to rant or talk through anything at all, I'm here.

As always, I'm proud of you. I hope to see everyone tomorrow. Be kind to each other, be kind to the earth, and most importantly, be kind to yourselves. I hope you either have a good day or a better one.

[dspd]

Evidence that Driver from Villain To Kill is trans.

Pls keep in mind I've read 53/120+ chapters so there might be canon events that negates this headcanon

We never see his full face.

He always has some combination of dark blue-black and neon hot pink which is a widely considered a girly color

He wears layers that bulk him up a bit that could hide his more curvy bits if he had them.

Villains can choose their villain persona and he may be he/him as a villain but still she/her in his civilian persona, hence the longer hair.

While I don't generally ascribe multitasking to a gender, something about the way he keeps tabs on everything comes across to me like a mom or teacher who's keeping track of a million pieces of chaos on the playground while also tracking data (test scores, fights, who's going out with who, what's going on in the classroom down the hall etc.).

Then there's the way various translators color his speech bubbles the traditionally feminine pink with the singsong-y or flirty ~ symbol attached like Crow gets half the time.

Plus there's the way Wikia describes his relationship with Crow - that he accepts her flirting but never really reciprocates. While I have plenty of evidence that he does reciprocate, it would make sense if he's unable to have access to gender affirming care as a villain and keeps Crow at a distance because he's got body dysphoria issues

[karlyanalora]

So, after stumbling across this post again, I am having Ambulon thoughts again.

Canon facts according to panels and tweets:

Ambulon used to be named Thunderclash

He’s a MTO

He used to turn into either a generic car or a medical helicopter

He may have experienced altmode dysphoria

We can assume the rest of the failed experiment (the Combicons) are alive

So this gave me a plot bunny.

Thunderclash is a pretty cool name for a Decepticon MTO. And every Decepticon would know there is already a pretty famous Autobot with that name.

But the bot that would be Ambulon didn’t care. He survived his first battle. He did pretty good in it! He was feeling bold after zipping around with the other survivors from his MTO batch. And those survivors kept surviving.

They liked to heckle Autobots. Bait them into traps. They became good enough warriors that those who fought beside them showered them with praise and friendly backslaps. They started to think they were big stuff.

Ambulon was the first to pick a name. Thunderclash. He was the ringleader, and he called his group the Mockeries. Two of them picked the names Dai and Atlas. They all picked the names of prestigious Autobots.

And then one battle the Mockeries ran out of luck.

They were just good enough fighters that Shockwave decided to pick them up off the battlefield.

Thunderclash woke up us a leg. Shockwave called him Subject Ambulon. Not all of the Mockeries, now Project: Combicon, survived Shockwave’s attempts to make them combine. Making someone transform into a head and torso proved to be the most difficult. Shockwave didn’t try to salvage the failures a lot of the time. Ambulon hated not knowing how to patch up his friends, to at least try and save them.

Ambulon’s always felt out of place in his own frame. He’d been a generic car, but he’d always felt he was meant to fly. But being a leg is a lot worse. And now his hands burned, like he should be able to do something to heal those around him.

The rest of the Mockeries picked new names. Ones tied to their new roles as limbs. They didn't seem to mind the change. They were excited. Well, as excited as one of Shockwave's experiments could be. Sure, they could all die horribly. But that wasn't new. And if they became a combiner, they would be even more awesome than before! Ambulon couldn't understand it.

There were five other Mockeries left when Ambulon escaped. They were Kicker, Swing, Abdominus, and Arm-Or. Just enough parts to make one combiner. Ambulon doesn't know if they would have fit together. He doesn't think Shockwave would have killed them. Not until he's had a chance to retrieve their leg.

[selflovewarrior]

hey sweeties!

a new update on the life of Soetkin:

so a couple of weeks after my last post(s) i started a treatment program of three group therapy days a week. it was at a local general hospital, so no specialised program i suppose. while my expectations weren't very high and i saw it more as a tool to not sink deeper into depression and anxiety while i waited out till it would be my turn on the waiting list for the program i actually thought would help me, i quit this program halfway though my planned time there. i felt a lot worse during therapy as it progressed than i did at home. i looked so forward to it being over because i was extremely anxious and felt like i was killing myself on the inside when i was there. home was my safe space, the total opposite of how therapy felt for me. and believe me i know that it's kind of expected that you'll feel worse for a bit during intense therapy since you start opening up and stop running away from what you feel and think. so i quite suddenly quit.

(since this post ended up becoming what resembles a whole novel, i'm going to cut in here so people who don't care don't have to scroll through it ;) anyway it's not all bad if you want to read on, it actualy quite hopeful, the start just isn't very much so.)

i had a plan to pick up some creative activities at facilities for disabled folks, which i have got a government recognition for. i found a place i could start at fairly quickly, i haven't gone very often yet, but all in all i felt such intense relief when i didn't have to go to group therapy there anymore.

i'm still overly anxious and get very (extremely) easily overwhelmed by everything in this world: sounds, proximity, weather. but i am not as deeply depressed anymore. i'm actually feeling more like my regular self in that regard.

i can start the pre-program i've been waiting for since november in two weeks (and the full program one month later) and i'm so very hopeful for the future. i'm not where i used to be yet, but i'll get there, i'll get beyond there. I've already learned more about myself these past 8-9 months, things i never really considered or took seriously. while it still feels strange to say i most probably also have adhd (i got my autism diagnosis as a kid). a lot of the stuff i also struggle with seems to always have something to do with dopamine. i also probably have DCD (i still find it out they didn't look into this when i was in residential treatment when i got my autism diagnosis, but they still mentioned me randomly walking into doorframes and stuff instead of through the doorframes). i'm learning to give myself more time regarding my DCD when doing stuff that's hard(er) for me. even stuff like taking the laundry out of the machine etc. or walking up or down stairs. i'm starting to stop caring about other people being faster. the recognition of that DCD element for myself is a huge thing towards self-acceptance. i now also realise my brand of neurodivergence comes with rejection sensitive dysphoria, which explains SO FUCKING MUCH OMG.

this bout of urgent mental health issues also came with more physical issues than i've ever experienced before. which felt odd, and mostly unexpected. i've had more visits to a physiotherapist than the rest of my life combined these past few months. i also struggled with eating, but not ED wise this time, that part of me is actually doing quite well this time, which is also unexpected but yay. i mostly didn't have the energy to lift my fork and everything tasted meh. but that part is also a lot better now, still happens sometimes, but it's far better now. (i also lost a lot of hair because of it, which is growing back now, so i have plucks of toddler hair in my face all the time, and let me tell you toddler hair is a lot more annoying than baby hairs, they're too short to go anywhere, and too long to not be an annoyance). my last post also came as i was only just healed from what could've been covid, or something similar. but the worst infection i've had since 2020 (and i have had it several times). I always got booster shots (since i worked at a hospital) and never was very inconvenienced, let alone for over a week. but my symptoms now started on new year's day (yay me) and lasted for about a month and they were unpleasant and painful. i guess i partially ought to thank the booster shots in the past for not getting that ill, but i also think i kinda blew my immune system over by not eating properly.

anyway, so here we are. my husband who's a teacher in upper secondary school has started his summer holidays, he's actually had a rather nice last month of the school year since his pupils' finals were evenly spread out for him so he didn't have to rush correcting them.

we're also in a very good place now. i'm so happy and grateful this guy is my husband, that i can call him mine, that we're us. he's also started therapy for his OCD, and while he was terrified he's doing so well, i'm really impressed (a bit scared too though that he might be taking on a bit too much at once in therapy). we're building a sturdy base for our future together (with hopefully a kid at some point sooner rather than later). He's feeling more sad about having to postpone our starting a family plans due to all of this, but we also both see this as a huge opportunity to become even better parents. and in a way we're quite lucky this all happened before i got pregnant and not during or after. not to say it can't or won't happen again, but then we'll be even more prepared to take on this challenge again than we were / are now.

anyway: i still have a long and scary road ahead of me, but i'm not at the start anymore, i've already been hiking for a bit and i'm hopeful about seeing the sun rise beautifully overhead once more.

i also really really really want to reblog stuff for this blog again, and more frequently. i am however still struggling with energy, spoons are often very depleted. i even have a very hard time editing my own pictures and it's not like i've taken many these past 10 months. i've also had people i know irl reach out to me because i'm so absent on all social media and that's very unlike me. and them asking me about it, gives me the feeling that i actually do might belong here and with those people and that people actually care and that i'm missed. and that's a bewildering but amazingly heart warming feeling, that's kind of new to me.

hope to be back sooner next time!

thank you guys so so much for sticking with me, for reblogging my old posts, for sharing positivity on this website and hopefully to people you think need it, including yourself! thank you to all new followers, you're seen! you're loved! you're appreciated!

x Soetkin

[papercranesandpride]

All orientations and identities are valid except the hellish combination of being alloaro and super dysphoric about sex. Fuuuuuuck that. I don't know who invented this torture device of an identity that I ended up with, but I want to murder them.

It is just so great to be deeply horny and sexual when almost everything about sex makes me uncomfortable! It's so amazing to constantly need to masturbate when I don't actually enjoy it. It's so lovely to be turned on by every human being on earth when I hate the feeling of being turned on. It's not worrying at all that when I get on T, my libido will only get worse and as it is, it's already high enough that it is torture.

I love being obsessed with only sexual relationships in media and at the same time not being able to read smut because I will just get deeply envious of the characters for having parts that I don't and being able to properly enjoy sex when I can't. And oh, let's not even get started on how bad it is when the characters have the parts that I do have.

Oh, and let's not forget that I need someone to be very patient and understanding of me for a sexual relationship to be possible, and that's not going to happen because who is going to bother getting that invested in me when I'm not going to offer them romance? I thought I found the solution to that one by only looking for poly people... Yeah guess who started getting constantly blown off by said poly person the second they got a girlfriend?

It is wonderful when my ideal sex life would be hookups, except I can't do hookups because as it is, I need very very specific things out of a sexual partner and unless they're a very specific way, I'm going to end up hurt and they'll end up deeply unsatisfied. Doing hookups would devastate me because I'd have five failures, at least, to every success. Mostly I'll end up unsatisfied and painfully dysphoric. That is not a risk I should take.

It is terrible to have awful dysphoria that you just know could be soothed by sexual interaction as the correct gender, by that kind of deep physical affirmation, but you don't have any way to get that because you know from experience that if you try to seek it out, you are more likely than anything to have it go badly and you get hurt, but you just need so desperately to have someone use and hold your body in the correct way for like. Five minutes.

I just. I know that one day I will make sure I get the proper equipment to resolve this problem, but given that I'm not on HRT yet and they tend to require years of hormones before you can do that... It seems very dire and this shit really is killing me.

[its-a-hil]

k time for our regularly scheduled sleepy oversharing time (answering all the questions from this ask game)

(1) Do you have freckles? nope ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(2) Do you drink tea or coffee? How do you take it? sometimes i drink tea if im sick or chai socially but thats basically it. chocolate is the closest thing i have to a regular stimulant

(3) What was the last song you listened to? this lagtrain edit idk i really like just. semi-chaotic noise that sounds out of place and a bit incongruent. probably why i like pokeloid

(4) Do you sleep on your back, stomach or side? diagonalish but mostly on my side. i alternate sides though in fact i used to sleep on my stomach until i read a newspaper article that said a plurality of ppl sleep on their side and then i got scared and completely changed the way i sleep in like 6th grade in case you somehow needed more evidence im autistic

(5) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? blåhaj!! !!! !!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love her need to clean her though also i stream with my hello kitty velvet and i think that's kinda relevant

(6) Do you prefer drawing or writing? i like both but i am so so so much less bad at writing so that's more fulfilling i need to do both a lot more though ive been procrastinating a lot of tales of luminaria writing and art that i feel a compulsive need to make since the game was shuttered

(7) What’s your ideal number of blankets to sleep with? currently i sleep with blanket/comforter/blanket but i am still so so cold so i either need another blanket or one of them to be heated

(8) What’s your favorite band/artist? i mean there are a bunch that are all kinda at the same tier but i think inabakumori is at the top their vocaloids are just so. emotions

(9) When is your birthday? not gonna answer this but if you wanna check my bio every day for the next year until you see it flip to 23 i guess thats a thing you can do

(10) How tall are you? 178 cm (5'10") aka too tall please someone let me give you my height i dont fucking want it except in rock climbing it's useful for that but other than that the dysphoria is just not worth it hate hate hate

(11) What color are your eyes? brown, a bit darker than my skin but ive been complimented on my eyes by strangers more than like any part of my appearance combined so i am always confused like. theyre just my eyes! theyre pretty but only in the way that ppl eyes generally are idgi

(12) Who are five (or more) people you want to hug right now? i dont really want to hug anyone tbh like id be happy to hug a friend if they needed it but im just not feeling touch atm

(13) Fears? that samsara isnt real enough for me to defer all the experiences i dont want to miss out on to a different life also climate change also being at parties where im not super close with most of the people

(14) What’s your favorite color? the sky! i know everyone is probably tired of me saying it but i dont like the idea of picking one 'color' since that allows for so much variation, so i instead choose something that is constantly varying and always beautiful at every instant ive ever gazed upon it

(15) What’s your favorite season? summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer please it's so cold i want to be able to feel warm when i go outside and not feel like im killing the planet when i consider turning the thermostat up a degree

(16) Want any tattoos? What of? oh i absolutely want tattoos definitely one for outer wilds (the hourglass twins), and id be open to the berseria title card with velvet's hair flowing into the letters i just think that game is neat

(17) Want any piercings? Where? im happy with my recent earlobe piercings but it would be desi as fuck to get a nose ring so that also sounds pretty cool

(18) Who is the last person you texted? my parents telling them im coming home from work

(19) Do you have a best friend? How long have you been friends? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ closest thing is probably my college roommate for 3 years but he went to grad school in a different state so ive barely seen him since

(20) What/who do you miss? oh well that's a question and a half i miss my ability to just get a crush and imagine cute and unrealistic fantasy stories where i went out with them now a combination of adult™ realism and the couple years i spent beating myself up for ever feeling romantic attraction have made doing both of those things so much harder so i just stick to projecting myself in established plots i mean its better than it was near the end of high school but. not as good as middle school when i actively loved going to bed just so i could imagine whatever i wanted in the hourish before i fell asleep

(21) How was your day today? tired. slept too early last night and thus the day had no sense of urgency and my head felt very bleh the entire time

(22) How much sleep did you get last night? 8 hours which is kinda the problem i function best with having had 9-10 hours two nights ago and 4-6 hours the night of and whenever i try to get a regular person sleep schedule™ it just makes me feel bad

(23) Do you believe in aliens? not like conspiracy theories or anything like that but. the universe is so BIG and we're finding so many planets that it feels impossible for there to not be life elsewhere also $20 europa has whales in it

(24) When was the last time you cried? Why? idk crying is hard and has barely ever happened since i felt bad about crying at a book in 6th grade and hammered it out of my brain. clearly my masking behaviors have never once been self destructive and i am an extraordinarily well adjusted girlie more recently my parents probably said something that made me feel bad and i semi-succeeded at crying in the shower and forgot about it the day after

(25) What’s your favorite decade? is it really possible for me to answer anything but the present? theres only been one decade where ive been a girl for part of it theres only been one decade where i fell in love with the sound of my voice theres only been one decade where i lived for myself and not for who i expected myself to be

(26) What are some seemingly childish things you like? i mean. i watch cartoons and eat sweets and enjoy going outside and getting distracted by everything i see there not sure what it means for something to be 'childish' tbh

(27) What’s your favorite book? Or just one you’ve read a few times? favorite book is the raven tower by ann leckie it's just. such a wonderful story in such a beautiful world that i feel like i was made for book ive read the most is probably son of neptune though, i know i spent a few months just kinda picking it up at a random page and rereading a few chapters every couple of days

(28) How are you, really? not answering this it's cliche and boring

(29) Does it take you a long time to make decisions? yes and no if a decision is right in front of me i'll make it fairly quickly if a decision is far away then i will procrastinate it to the point of absurdity ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(30) What are you looking forward to in the near future? getting on injections! estrogen time :d

(31) What are you looking forward to in the distant future? 2024 eclipse!!!! !!!! !!!!!! !!!!!!!!! i know with how much im hyping it in my head it'll definitely be covered with clouds at the place i go to but i! do! not! care! the 2017 eclipse is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen in the entire world and i need to see it again

(32) If you could go anywhere right now, where would you go? i want to see the aurorae other than things like that im pretty comfortable sitting in my room, but the idea of viewing something so magical is just incredibly appealing

(33) Do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed otherwise my parents would see how messy my room is and the airflow would be wrong and its brighter in the hallway and just. no

(34) What’s your favorite flower? is it too cliche to say cherry blossom? i grew up near washington dc like going to see the cherry blossom festival is a part of my core identity

(35) Do you currently have a squish? not really but also my brain has a taboo against verbalizing any kind of attractive feelings so it's difficult to overcome that enough to process my thoughts without hating myself so i dont try

(36) Do you like your middle name? no it's just my dad's name, which already feels old-fashioned in indian terms let alone the fact that it sounds vaguely like a mildly off-putting (to me) phrase in english

(37) Do you prefer dogs or cats? i love seeing them both outside or in friends' homes and i am unlikely to ever adopt one so that's the extent of it

(38) Do you have any phobias? i dont think so

(39) Do you stay up late? not late enough

(40) Do you like the beach? Do you prefer it sunny or cloudy? a not-sunny beach is definitely cold so. yeah. the last beach ive been to was in gdynia though so i might be unfairly projecting how cold the baltic sea is onto other beaches that are reasonable temperatures

(41) What’s your favorite cartoon? if we're counting anime: bna if we're not: amphibia actually now that i think about it i need to rewatch kipo and the age of wonderbeasts that was good

(42) Tag 5 of your favorite blogs no

(43) Do you have siblings? How many? one older sister

(44) Who was the last person you said “I love you” to? probably my parents

(45) Is there anyone you would die for? oh absolutely. loads. the more interesting question would be 'is there anyone you would kill for' and that is far far more difficult to answer

(46) What do you need when you’re sad? patience

(47) Have you memorized your phone number? ofc i have it has interesting math properties associated with it that i sadly cant say here bc saying all the properties, even in a relatively cryptic form, would narrow it down to like 10 options if someone knew my area code

(48) Who’s someone you can trust with your life? this question is ridiculous when cars exist. i have to trust pretty much every driver near me with my life whether im in a car or walking near a road so i dont view it as a particularly meaningful level of trust nor do i view my life as something particularly worth guarding so like. whatever, yknow? (note: this isnt a mental health thing it's a samsara thing dw) if this body dies it dies and i wouldnt want anyone i care about to feel responsible no matter what

(49) What does your last text say? already said it

(50) Wild Card. Any question, ask away. my favorite font is alegreya sc

[satyrdiary]

july 19th ‘24, 3:26AM

I got carried away while picking, again. I ended up just staring at my naked body for a while, then my face. it was difficult looking at it. I’m finally losing weight, which has made me happy and has given me hope, but I’m still so painfully unhappy with how my body looks, things I can’t change, my very bones.

I’ve been feeling a sudden, very upsetting wave of dysphoria too. I think being back on campus hasn’t helped, as every day I leave the house I am reminded of how I do not pass in the eyes of others, I have to head my voice, I have to think about how others are perceiving me all the time. it’s very difficult.

recent photos of J* haven’t helped either. he is the epitome of what I would give my life to look like, masculine excellence while still being able to dress however he wants and have whatever hair length he wants and still unquestionably still pass as male, if not hyper masculine. when I see men like him who can express their gender like that and still pass as male, I feel such visceral jealously it makes my heart hurt. what is wrong with me that I cannot experience that luxury? what must I change?

not only photos of him, but of course the photos/videos of him and S*. as much as I love them, I would kill myself a thousand times in a thousand universes just to have a chance of experiencing a relationship like theirs - friendship or romantic, I don’t care. it’s so painful sometimes. it’s almost like a two-for-one special when it comes to them, one of them gives me crippling dysphoria, and both of them combined gives me crippling depression as they remind me of my seemingly eternal loneliness.

I blame my bones, I blame my face, I blame my hair, I blame my voice. three years on testosterone, almost a year since my top surgery, yet still when I go outside it’s almost like it was all for nothing in the eyes of society. it’s killing me, I don’t know what to do.

I’ve been thinking a lot about surgery. I’m always thinking about surgery, what I could change if I had the change. specifically facial masculinisation surgery, maybe bone shaving surgeries on my hips if that’s even possible, liposuction, probably more that I can’t think of right now.

I feel confused again, after thinking I might have had my gender figured out. my heart feels sore again, and my mind is bleak. I can’t think of a future where I look the way I want, like a cis man, without spending thousands upon thousands. when will it be enough? what do I need to do to feel enough?

I have a strong feeling that this sudden wave of dysphoria will be tormenting me for the next couple days or weeks, I’m dreading it already. it all feels so hopeless.

I don’t really want to go to campus tomorrow, writing this all out has unfortunately cemented my worries and feelings like stone in my mind. I will go anyway, I don’t really have a choice. I just don’t know how to mentally prepare myself for another term of being misgendered and to have feminine stereotypes forced upon me. I can’t say anything because I’m scared and I don’t have the willpower to deal with the bigots this place has.

I’m going to sleep now, it’s nearly 4:00AM. I’ll be very tired tomorrow, I’ll see how things go.

[the-otherspace]

1. when did you find out you are a dragon?

I think around the age of 26 is when I truly knew it was who I was and not just something I really liked to roleplay as.

2. what kind of dragon are you?

I guess they're called Western dragons? Or European? I have four legs and two wings.

3. when did you join the dragonkin/alterhuman community?

About a year or so after my self-discovery.

4. what are some unique features of your dragon self? can be related to your body, your powers or your behavior.

I feel very mammalian. I'm furred and have paw pads. I don't feel like I quite fit in with other dragons. I also don't think I have horns or any sort of elemental breath.

5. what do you think of the representation of dragons on earth?

I don't like that they're usually seen as something to kill. They're usually villains. I think it's an ingrained cultural Christian thing.

6. do you have memories of being a dragon in a past life or concurrent life?

I don't. I wish I did.

7. what do your shifts look like, if you have any?

The most common are my ears and my tail. My ears move to listen to things around me or to emote. My tail is sort of a comfort thing. It'll show up when I'm curled up in bed and I stim with it by swishing the tip back and forth or thumping it lightly.

8. what does your species' diet?

I'm not sure! I don't know what my species is.

9. do you have a breath weapon? if yes, which one?

I wish! Is this intrinsically a dragon thing? Can I train it to happen?

10. do you know your dragon body's size?

I am probably the height of an average human if I stand up. Maybe slightly raller because my body is long (ish.)

11. do you hoard?

Gemstones!

12. how does your draconity influence you irl?

My dragon mind and spirit reminds me that I am something greater than the constraints of humanity. Spiritually, I feel powerful. I feel in tune with the universe and its magic.

13. do you feel species dysphoria sometimes?

I don't. Is species dysphoria common?

14. what did/would your habitat look like?

It would probably be a cave in a temperate climate. I don't personally like heights but I could probably fly. So, maybe mountain caves?

15. are you territorial? can be a place(s) or other beings.

I am very territorial over what is "my" space (like when I'm at work, the kitchen is my space because I'm a chef. At home, my space is my office.) I'm also territorial over my belongings.

16. what do you think about the dragonkin/alterhuman community?

I love them and wish I could find others to talk to!

17. do you use a special vocabulary related to your draconity?

I do not, no.

18. does your species have a special language or alphabet?

No. I have a conlang related to dragons but that's about it.

19. do you have a pack/clan or are you on your own?

I'm on my own.

20. where do you spend the most time? outside in nature or in your cave (at home)?

At home. But I do love a good adventure through the woods. I know about most of the local edible mushrooms and plants! Maybe I'm more of a forest dragon than a mountain one but I feel like wings make that harder for me. Hm.

21. what is your favorite dragon media? is it a book series, a show, a video game or something else?

Flight Rising. @misfits-fr is my blog. I write lore.

22. have you ever met a dragon like you or similar to you?

Nope!

23. do you consider your identity spiritual, psychological or something else? do you use these labels at all?

Spiritual! I use that as my origin label.

24. do you have any other identities beside being a dragon?

I'm bigender, autistic, and plural among so many other things.

25. do you own any gear (tails, horns, jewelry etc.) related to your draconity?

I don't, but a fursuit head and paws/tail would be SO COOL.

26. how does your species communicate primarily? do you use speech, sounds/vocals and/or body language?

I've always imagined a combination of wing movement/position, ear position, and showing teeth. But that's how I write my dragons for this story I'm writing (the one with the conlang.) It's got specific body language that goes along with spoken language.

27. is your dragon self animalistic/feral or sapient?

Pretty sapient, I'd say.

28. do you have a visual description of yourself or something that looks similar to your dragon body?

Yes! I draw my dragonself all the time. It's also the form I take when I'm in headspace.

29. do you have any body modifications (tattoos, implants etc.)?

I have a tongue piercing, a septum piercing, and one stretched lobe. I used to have my lip pierced twice (snake bites) and eight additional ear piercings. I don't wear those ones anymore.

30. are there any dragons/other dragonkin who inspire you?

@/a-dragons-journal is the reason I keep talking about my experience. That, and those who I interact with a lot.

31. Free space.

I feel like such a faker sometimes lol.

dragonkin ask game

hey there! since this year, the year of the dragon, is getting to its end, i decided to come up with some questions for dragonkin and other draconic beings in the alterhuman and plural community. these can be used for personal use in blogs and are free to use for "draconic question of the week" pings on discord, for example. i will explain the reason for those and what i plan to do with them below the questions after the cut. i hope you will have fun with those.

questions under the cut

1. when did you find out you are a dragon?

2. what kind of dragon are you?

3. when did you join the dragonkin/alterhuman community?

4. what are some unique features of your dragon self? can be related to your body, your powers or your behavior.

5. what do you think of the representation of dragons on earth?

6. do you have memories of being a dragon in a past life or concurrent life?

7. what do your shifts look like, if you have any?

8. what does your species' diet?

9. do you have a breath weapon? if yes, which one?

10. do you know your dragon body's size?

11. do you hoard?

12. how does your draconity influence you irl?

13. do you feel species dysphoria sometimes?

14. what did/would your habitat look like?

15. are you territorial? can be a place(s) or other beings.

16. what do you think about the dragonkin/alterhuman community?

17. do you use a special vocabulary related to your draconity?

18. does your species have a special language or alphabet?

19. do you have a pack/clan or are you on your own?

20. where do you spend the most time? outside in nature or in your cave (at home)?

21. what is your favorite dragon media? is it a book series, a show, a video game or something else?

22. have you ever met a dragon like you or similar to you?

23. do you consider your identity spiritual, psychological or something else? do you use these labels at all?

24. do you have any other identities beside being a dragon?

25. do you own any gear (tails, horns, jewelry etc.) related to your draconity?

26. how does your species communicate primarily? do you use speech, sounds/vocals and/or body language?

27. is your dragon self animalistic/feral or sapient?

28. do you have a visual description of yourself or something that looks similar to your dragon body?

29. do you have any body modifications (tattoos, implants etc.)?

30. are there any dragons/other dragonkin who inspire you?

31. free space

the reason i made this ask game is because i will try to answer every one of the questions during the last month of the year of the dragon. this is a sort of "dragonkin ask game/challenge", and you can try it too, if you want.

thank you for taking a look <3

[fatuifucker]

second stream: so empty that it's full

[art cr: kuroume_1024 on twt]

dom trans! streamer! scaramouche x sub fem-sex reader (they/them pronouns used for reader)

SUMMARY = period cramps and body dysphoria are not a good combination

WARNINGS = please view the sucker series masterlist for the full warnings! minimal smut more angst, toys (vibrator), period, suicide threats, cutting mention, copendence, unhealthy relationship, body dysphoria

W/C = 1.2k

A/N = no beta read this time or a lot of smht but there is a lot of toxic scara

TAGS = @midnxght-sweet-time, @zen-daydreams, @edenialucas, @huboi, @nejibot, @lovediluc, @yumixxn, @teallapril

kuni @kamikuzushi

FUCK MY CRAMPS ARE KILLING ME (NAME) HURRY UP AND COME BACK

kuni @kamikuzushi

goddamnit do I really have to stream like this

kuni @kamikuzushi

oh whatever at least this celebration stream is gonna make me feel better

scara-sama @/06ScaraBalladeer

Today I want to show my appreciation for 10k subscribers! I’ll be looking through all your fanart and responding to all your questions on stream! Don’t be weird, okay? ^-^

—

Scara starts the stream with her signature smile and catchphrase. “Good day everyone! How is everybody doing?” Her mind whirls up thoughts of an expensive celebration dinner as red superchats start ringing in. “We’ve reached 10k subscribers! Thank you so much for all your support! Today, we’re going to be looking through your fanart on Twitter!”

Scara opens up the page and clicks on fanart tag. Her ever-present smile nearly morphs into a frown.

“I…I can’t show this! You know I can only look at wholesome fanarts, right?” she forces a laugh, immediately scrolling past the provocative fanart only to be met by more. “I’ll just…keep scrolling until I can find ones I can show.”

Thankfully, there are a lot of tasteful ones. But it isn’t enough to get rid of the bitterness in her throat at all those…other fanart. Men really do see women as fuck toys, huh? As Scara takes a sip of water, she accidentally catches her reflection in the mirror. Her dress — although conservative and shows no skin at all — somehow does enhance the size of her breasts. It usually doesn’t bother her but…

He swallows the bile in his throat, trying to silence the growing darkness in his head as he forces her finger to continue scrolling.

—

[You received a text from Kuniku<3!]

Kuniku<3: my head hurts like a bitch

Kuniku<3: so fucking loud

Kuniku<3: hurry n come back idiot

Kuniku<3: i wanna throw up

Kuniku<3: i wanna die

Kuniku<3: if you don’t come back quick ill fucking kill myself

Kuniku<3: do you want me to kill myself?

Kuniku<3: come back home

Kuniku<3: hurry

—

The door to the room creaks open. Kunihiko jolts, darting his eyes over to the figure. He relaxes upon realising who it is. "You took so fucking long. It's like you want me to die."

You sat next to him. "You know that's not true.”

"No. No, I don't know that,” he mutters, clenching onto the hem of his shorts. “You left. Why would you leave for so long? You know I despise it.”

“I’m sorry.” You wrap your arms around his tiny frame. “I’m here now. You can cry on me.”

His quivering arms return the hold, fingers digging into the fabric of your shirt. He doesn’t say anything for a while and you return the silence.

“Do you think it would be better if I died?"

“No.”

“Why? There’s nothing for me here. Nobody would give a shit if I kill myself.”

“Your fans would.”

Kuni scoffs. “Maybe. Maybe not. They care about Scara anyway. Not me.”

“I would care.”

“...Yeah, I guess it does matter to you," he laughs; a pathetic, hollow laugh. “You’re not being very convincing.”

“Sorry, do you wanna try something else?”

He releases you, a distant look in his eyes as he reaches for a remote beside him, placing it in your palm. “Turn it on. You know what to do.”

Kunihiko tenses up the second you switch it on, going back to wrap his arms around your neck. You stay still, allowing your boyfriend to rest his head on your shoulder while you hold him tight. Sweat drips down his brow, a slight pain sending a shock down your spine when his teeth bites into your skin. You crank up the speed, and Kuni moans in delight. “Fuck, that feels good. God, I wish you could fuck me right now.”

You move to kiss him but before you could do anything, he seizes your jaw and shoves his tongue inside your mouth. You nearly choke at the intrusion. He’s aggressive, much rougher than usual, as if he is trying to forget his thoughts by indulging in you. As usual, you don’t mind, letting him do whatever he wants with you. You prefer he manhandle you than cut himself again.

"(Name),” he pants as soon as the two of you separate. “Do you still see me as a girl?"

"I have always seen you as Kuni,”

Kuni cackles. “Yeah right! You suck on my boobs everytime we have sex."

"Because you said you like it?” you say, tilting your head. “If it makes you feel uncomfortable, I'll stop."

“No,” Kuni’s voice drops, laced with ire and a hidden shade of anxiety at that notion. “What’s the fucking point of me getting nipple piercings if you’re not going to play with them?”

“Sorry,” you mutter, planting a kiss on Kuni’s forehead. “But just know that I love you no matter how you present yourself.”

“Then,” Kuni pushes you away, indigo irises lacking the usual scorn and air of superiority, “don’t ever leave for that long again. Or I’ll kill myself. Understood?”

A shiver — no, more like a dangerous electricity — rushes down your spin, your survival instincts forcing a quick nod from you. All of a sudden, the tension dissipates and Kuni smiles warmly at you again. He slides his tongue in your mouth again, his hand finding yours and moving it to max out the speed of the vibrator.

“Fuck! Ho-holy fuck, this thing is amazing...” Kuni moans, mouth hanging open in a euphoric expression. “Shit, I–! (Name)!”

“I’m here, Kuni,” you reassure him, pulling up his shirt to leave lovemarks on his collarbone. “I’ll always be here for you.”

“(Name), I can’t–!”

Kuni’s nails dig into your back as he twitches, puffing for air before his legs give in and he lands on your thighs. You turn off the remote before patting him on the back.

“You okay?”

“Mm...” he mumbles groggily. “Go and run me a bath.”

Scooping him into your arms, you lay him on the bed, watching as he turns over and hugs one of the pillows before leaving him to recover.

—

[You received a text from Kuniku<3!]

Kuniku<3: did u buy a bath bomb lol

Kuniku<3: smells nice

Kuniku<3: we should bathe together when im off my period

Kuniku<3: oh ya can u heat up my heat pack

Kuniku<3: before that cook me instant ramen

You’re typing…

You: Anything else?

Kuniku<3: oo yes answer this in ten seconds

Kuniku<3: what would u do if u could make time stop forever?

You’re typing…

You: I would cuddle with you

Kuniku<3: wow

Kuniku<3: that was a setup for a joke i had but thats so disgustingly wholesome that i forgot

Kuniku<3: is this the same bitch who asks me to choke them with my thighs? LMAOOO

Kuniku<3: kinda cute tho

Kuniku<3: fineee since ur so needy n im a good bf lets go out

Kuniku<3: my sis' cultural fes is this friday

Kuniku<3: apparently her class is doing a maid cafe lollll

Kuniku<3: would fucking love to see the look on her face when she sees us

Kuniku<3: if thats too lame we can sightsee around asakusa

Kuniku<3: or…we could go to a love hotel

Kuniku<3: so? which will it be?

[Your answer]