#colossal mag

[puntidifuga]

From the History Center of Olmsted County Collection via @itscolossal

[eschergirls]

This was shown to me by somebody on Discord and this is apparently part of a review of the game?  And... what... just... what... Everything about this is so cringe.  Like, why even mention Claris just to imply that they would admit to lusting over her if she was of legal age?  That's so creepy, even as a joke. 

And everything about Tillis is just so weird.  Like they call her a cool and strong female lead, but then there's that weird tangent about how hot she is that their Art Editor is drooling over her and just... why... why anything. xD  90s gaming mags were certainly something...

Also, the internet would very much prove this writer wrong about people not being hot and bothered for Amy Rose >_>

As for the picture itself, all I can think of is "We have Asuka Evangelion at home."

(Review of Burning Rangers from Sega Saturn Magazine #31)

Transcript of text:

Burning Ranger: Raunch Factor 10 It's about time that the Sonic Team produced a strong female lead for one of their games. After all, no-one's really got all hot and bothered about Amy Rose from the Sonic games (insert your own hedgehog-based "prick" gag here). And as for the "budding" 15 year-old Claris in NiGHTS... well, we're not saying anything. Not until we've cleared it thoroughly with our legal people. The advent of Burning Rangers brings an end to this sad, sordid tale. Tillis is cool. In fact, our very own Art Editor, Mr McEvoy has this very image on his desktop at work. When we think he's staring at his latest layout for the mag, he's actually drooling feverishly at the picture you're looking at on this page. The words "pervert" and "colossal" spring to mind...

[beauty-and-passion]

TMA - Chapters 51-60: Supernatural grandpas and Spider Gang members

Welcome back to my weekly rambling about ten new TMA chapters.

New theories are born, old ones are dead and stupid ones are rising. Will they be right? Will they be wrong? Is everyone’s name actually Michael? How will my mind be blasted by these ten new chapters?

Only one way to find out.

<< Main Masterlist < Previous post 

_______________________________

MAG 51 - High Pressure

When I read that Simon Fairchild was in this story, I immediately went “Uh?”. Why is he here? What is he doing here?

And most importantly, what did he say to Mrs. Haley, before she jumped into the water? I bet it’s something like “Enjoy the water”, just like he said “Enjoy the sky” to Robert in MAG 21. This man keeps waking up and choosing violence. Mood.

But hey, maybe that’s because he’s an old guy. After all, older people are the most stubborn/tough creatures ever and the older you are, the tougher you become.

Also, what kind of creepy supernatural shit is Mr. Fairchild? A colossal hungry monster? The first time, the sky ate Robert. Now, the water tries to grab Antonia. It reminds me of the colossal figure from ex Altiora, but we already have a Michael associated with the Vast, so who is Simon? Another Vast? The Grandfather of the Vast? Is ‘Simon’ his middle name and the first one is actually Michael? That would explain everything XD

Uh, so the table from MAG 3 isn’t a fractal, but more of a web. And Graham was caught by it. I suppose that means we should ask Spider Mom about him - and about Sasha too.

It’s also very interesting the following part of the discussion, in which Jon asked:

“I thought that was... I... whatever crawled through his window. Unless you think they’re linked, somehow?”

To which Not!Sasha replied:

“I doubt it. It didn’t sound like the sort of thing that would want to be bound to an object.”

So this imposter thing doesn’t want to be bound to an object (like the table), but it really enjoys stealing bodies. Isn’t that similar to “being bound to an object”? Maybe this imposter just wants a living, breathing thing, instead of an inanimate one. It makes me think of Michael and the concept of identity for these creatures: is stealing bodies the only way this supernatural shit knows to have its own identity?

No, I refuse to start feeling empathy for this supernatural shit. You are an imposter and I will look at you with suspicion. I will not imagine you looking at the wax statues in Madame Tussaud’s Museum and pondering about existence, identity and humanity. I won’t.

_______________________________

MAG 52 - Exceptional Risk

As soon as Robert Montauk was mentioned, I immediately remembered him from MAG 9. And here he is, the guy who killed a shit ton of people and kept hearts in his shed because he was dealing with some supernatural shit.

Jon asked if he was “summoning it, containing it, worshipping it”, which are all valid questions. Also, I find it very telling that the first verb he uses is “summoning” and not “containing”, considering that the dark guy told Montauk: “You didn’t think you could kill it for long, did you?”.

Personally, I think Mr. Montauk was trying to contain that supernatural shit and the only way to do so was by killing a shit ton of people and doing that weird magical circle in his shed. And that somehow “killed” (or at least kept it busy) the shit that took his wife. But since Mr. Montauk was killing a ton of people to do that, it was just a matter of time before someone found out.

(I checked MAG 9 because I also remembered a pendant and yes, his wife had a pendant with a closed eye. Is all of this story somehow related to Big Brother? Or is the closed eye just a charm? A sort of “close your eye and don’t look at me, you scary supernatural shit”?)

We also have a name for another of these supernatural shits! I will keep you in mind, Maxwell Rayner. So you are some sort of monster made of darkness - which reminds me of the creepy monster in MAG 25. Maybe it’s the same creature.

And now, back with the most beautiful love story that exists in Tim’s mind only: the one between Jon and Basira. I think I love her a little more after this episode. I mean, she appeared for a few minutes and:

blasted Martin, by saying that Tim is “the hot one”

blasted Jon, by saying that Tim has his same scars, but he manages to pull them off because he’s so much sexier than Jon

blasted Jon even more, by instantly using the typical sentences for a rejection: It’s not you it’s me, you’re nice and all, etc.

literally said: okay, fine we’ll let Tim think there’s something between us. But stay assured, Jon, that there is nothing

Wow, and here I thought Simon Fairchild was the one who woke up and chose violence. What’s up with all these people waking up and choosing violence? And why they’re all such moods?

Oh, she brought a tape about Alexandria! Is it about the Library of Alexandria? I hope it will be the next one, ‘cause I am very curious to know what it will be about.

_______________________________

MAG 53 - Crusader

That was… something.

I have never heard of the Serapeum of Alexandria before, so kudos for letting me know about it. It’s very interesting and I love that this statement wasn’t about something so obvious and universally well-known as the Library of Alexandria, but another archive.

And archives are the real protagonists of this statement. Archives and archivists. It’s very interesting how Gertrude thought that the mysterious figure wasn’t just a scary supernatural shit, but specifically an archivist. Why an archivist, among all people? Is it because, as Jon said, she was suspecting something? If you become the archivist, you also become a supernatural shit, linked to the archive itself?

It’s also very interesting how Jon says: “Am I just part of a chain? A long, unending string of people who call themselves “the archivist” stretching back to…”. This somehow connects to my theory that Elias/the Lukas family is trying to find someone who will resonate with Big Brother.

Maybe “the Archivist” is the specific title given to this particular person that can resonate with Big Brother. After all, both Michael and Jane referred to Jon as “Archivist” and not “Jon”, “You” or “Doomed Idiot”. Just like Michael calls “the Wanderer” the person who enters its domain, maybe “the Archivist” identifies the person designed for Big Brother?

Oh Martin, you’re too precious: caring for your paranoid boss like this <3 please, at least you: grab him and run away. The spas are waiting.

That can be you, Martin.

_______________________________

MAG 54 - Still Life

This is one of those statements that can be very creepy if you have that specific kind of fear. In this case, if you fear taxidermy or dead, stuffed things, then this story is for you.

Since I do not find them particularly creepy, I wasn’t particularly scared either. I suspected Daniel Rawlings was stuffed too, so the final part wasn’t a big surprise. And he may look different from the missing guy, but the same goes for Not!Sasha - and all of this was basically a huge hint to not trust her. However, since Jon still has no idea what’s wrong with her, he doesn’t get it.

The really interesting part was the supplement. We have Jonathan “Dipper” Sims, Master of Paranoia, now becoming expert burglar. First he watched Tim’s house, now he breaks into Gertrude’s. Next time he will watch Martin sleep, then hopefully police will arrest him (and save him from the Institute).

So Gertrude removed the eyes from everything in her house: another confirmation that Big Brother has one million eyes and can look through them all and this series is suspiciously becoming like Gravity Falls. If Big Brother is triangular too, then I will start to fear the beginning of an Armageddon.

Wait… is this what the war between supernatural shits will bring to? Will this story have its own Weirdmageddon? Oh shit, I really need to know more.

_______________________________

MAG 55 - Pest Control

Wow, this statement was useless.

I mean, not entirely. It just confirmed Jane Prentiss worked alone and that there are other beings like her. I knew it already and I’m surprised Jon didn’t realize it. Who does he think Michael is, if not another supernatural shit? There are supernatural shits everywhere in this goddamn world.

But even if I realized it, the characters had to realize it too. So, even if this seems like a useless chapter from a reader’s perspective, it was necessary for the plot.

Wow, think of this man. Not only he’s still very paranoid regarding Jane Prentiss (with every right, because it’s been barely five months since the attack), but he has been changed so deeply by it, to not even have a normal life anymore. He literally looks back at boring stuff with longing. Poor Jon, I may joke about him, but I sympathize with his struggles.

_______________________________

MAG 56 - Children of the Night

Jon was surprised by this statement and so was I: I didn’t expect a follow up to Trevor Herbert’s previous statement!

This one is pretty useless compared to the first one, but there’s something extremely important and it’s the presence of Spider Mom. Or the spider lady. Whatever: it’s a member of the spider gang, that’s what matters.

I also really liked the image of the woman as this hollow figure, full of spiders and spiderwebs. It kinda reminds me of the Oogie Boogie from Nightmare Before Christmas, that was full of worms. Pretty cool.

A-ah! We finally found out what was Martin lying about! And it was about his incompetence, lol. Jokes aside, at least he’s not lying about something supernatural/weird/dangerous: he’s just a poor guy trying to help his mother.

If I thought he deserved a vacation before, I am sure now: Martin, please, go on vacation. I’ll pay it for you, just go on a spa and relax.

_______________________________

MAG 57 - Personal Space

What did I say before about specific fears/topics that scare or get you? Well, space is that for me. I’m not exactly scared by it, but I love the concept of being alone/abandoned in space: that fear is something so “otherworldly”, something we would rarely experience here in Earth… it’s fascinating, you know?

So yes, I was happy to read this story and when Mr. Chilcott said the Earth disappeared, as well as the Sun and the Moon, I was even more excited. I love space stuff <3

O-oh! Another member of the creepy Lukas family! Now, who is Conrad Lukas? Evan Lukas’ father, grandpa or uncle? I think these guys should start talking a little bit about their family tree: I have three Lukas by now and no idea how they’re related to each other.

So the businesses involved in this weird project are:

Pinnacle Aerospace, majority owned by the Fairchild family

a large private investment by Nathaniel Lukas

Optic Solutions Limited, a company manufacturing cameras that has its business address in Ny Alesund, Norway.

Or, to translate it from story-to-reader/theorists:

Simon Fairchild, the man related to the sky/sea who wakes up and chooses violence

the umpteenth Lukas

Big Brother’s secret company that makes more electronic eyes to spy on everything

Welp, I trust this project so much now. There’s definitely nothing weird going on here. Are the Fairchilds on the same side of the Lukas in the supernatural war? They’re literally working together like besties, so I suppose yes.

Finally, Jon is starting to suspect a bit about Not!Sasha. Well, Not!Sasha is also trying her best to look as suspicious as possible: she’s literally trying to destroy the statements in which there’s even a fragment of her voice. And the new boyfriend is clearly taken from some magazine. I just hope Jon will realize what’s happening as soon as possible.

_______________________________

MAG 58 - Trail Rations

So, another statement about meat. This time, mixed with the Oregon Trail and cannibalism.

I don’t really know what to think about meat. I mean, fine, it’s a supernatural shit, but… what was doing, in 1845? Was it trying to find a body? Did it just want to become bigger? Maybe it was trying to get Mrs. Carlisle as new body and it will try to do so for years, until it will find out Jared Hopworth… assuming that the meat and the boneturner and the same supernatural shit.

Wow, what a surprise: who would’ve ever guessed that Jon’s coworkers are mad that he’s stalking them like a creep. Poor Tim, my boy deserves a vacation too. Just go with Martin: I’ll pay for you both.

But first, let’s send Jon to a therapist, so he can talk about all of his issues.

_______________________________

MAG 59 - Recluse

And here we are, back on Hill Top Road. This time, we have a special guest: the table from MAG 3, that came back multiple times already. And this time, we know what was in the middle of it: apparently, a box with an apple. And if you eat the apple, you become food for the spider gang. This goddamn spider gang.

Also, what is Agnes? She clearly saved Mr. Sinclair with that kiss on the cheek, because it brought him back to his senses and helped him escape from the spider nest or whatever it was. So either she is another supernatural shit… or she’s a supernatural shit. No other possible choices :P

Wow Jon, who would’ve ever guessed that your coworkers don’t like to work with you, if you keep being creepy and paranoid with them? Maybe if you stop acting like a creep for one split second...

I like to think they’re all conspiring to send him to therapy. One of these days, they will lock Jon inside his office with a therapist and leave them alone, until Jon manages to talk about all of his paranoid thoughts.

_______________________________

MAG 60 - The Observer Effect

So we can resume this statement as follows:

Christopher Meyer was minding his own business and living his life, when he suddenly decided to stick his nose into “outer cults” or, as the statement explains:

“small organized groups of worshippers whose beliefs weren’t simply deviations from paganism or other major religions, but seemed to focus on holy beings or concepts completely apart from what would be considered normal religious practice. Some seemed to have more in common with ancient shamanism than with organized hierarchical worship, and all were highly secretive.”

So, he went to the Magnus Institute, where all the stories about these supernatural shits are kept. And among holy beings like Mr. Boneturner and concepts like the fog, the meat and Michael, he found a mirror related to Big Brother. And that’s what probably made him a recluse.

So, when Mrs. Meyer took it, she suffered his same fate of being watched all the time by Big Brother… at least until one day she woke up and chose violence. But, like, real violence.

I’ll admit it: taking a van full of petrol and trying to destroy the institute was probably the best and the most badass move ever, so Rosa Meyer immediately rises to the status of world savior.

It looks like the Institute’s team decided to not lock Jon in his office with a therapist, but to simply do an intervention. Okay, fine, it works too.

And wow, look, in the CCTV of Gertrude’s death there’s no one, except for Gertrude and Elias who finds her body. There’s absolutely no way this man found the secret passages and used them to kill Gertrude, nope nope, he hasn’t written “SUSPICIOUS” all over his face, I definitely trust him.

And if it wasn’t Elias to kill her, it was Big Brother then. Or the umpteenth member of the Lukas family, who was hidden in the tunnels for killing reasons and killing reasons only.

At least the CCTV convinced Jon he hasn’t been fair with his team and that they’re all innocents. Let’s hope he will stop being a creepy paranoid stalker with them and start being a creepy paranoid stalker with Elias. I just don't trust you, Elias.

_______________________________

In conclusion

So these supernatural shits aren’t simple supernatural shits: they are “holy beings or concepts” worshipped by secret cults. Do I think the Lukas family is one of those secret circles? Yes, that’s what I think. Do I think they worship Big Brother? Yes, that’s what I think too.

But seriously, love the religious undertones. As someone who grew up surrounded by Christianity, seeing religion in a work gets my interest. I just wonder how the religious theme will be developed here.

Speaking of the characters: Jon is still in Paranoia Land, but at least he’s admitting his paranoid thoughts. And even if he acted like an insane creep, his team is still trying to help him. Sure, they’re doing it in their own way, but at least they’re trying. And Martin is quickly rising to the status of saint, because I would’ve been far less nice if my boss stalked me like Jon did with him.

So we're past the first fourth of the series and I have more questions than ever: how many supernatural shits are in this world? What really are they? Will we learn about their origin too? What actually happened to Gertrude? What is Not!Shasha planning? How many more members of the Spider Gang will come? Will Simon Fairchild wake up and choose violence again? And how many more connections will I find in the next ten chapters?

See you soon next week!

>> Next post

(How about a coffee? ☕)

_______________________________

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[transingthoseformers]

Some unnamed ice planet the Lost Light is using to pick up resources for refueling and as a vacation. Things are going well until they find an old abandoned building with Ancient Cybertronian markings that Rodimus recognized from Nyon's old buildings that relate to the Knights of Cybertron. They start looking. Typical shenanigans happen, it is trapped. Getaway and Rodimus end up in an undercity that is freezing. So cold it's dangerous levels for most Cybertronians.

They find a place to haul up as the LL crew works to excavate them and push comes to shove and they definitely "share some charge" again to help keep themselves warm which is a blatant porn scenario that makes Ratchet just look at them judgemental and comment with Rodimus's ability them cuddling some place small and contained would have retained enough heat. Survival interface was unneeded.

Rodimus and Getaway are pointedly not looking at each other. At least until there is a party to celebrate something with the usual "WE DID SOMETHING" banner and they both end up in a corner together slightly tipsy.

Ultra Magnus arrives to the party and is about to dismiss everyone for the night and insteads heads straight for the corner where Rodimus is starting to feel up Getaway, grabs Rodimus by the waist, picks him up, throws him over his shoulder, calmly tells the gaping Blaster he is commander in charge for the evening and carries a protesting Rodimus to his private quarters where he initiates a lockdown drops Rodimus on the bed and informs him ber the SOP that Rodimus initiated he is not leaving until he has activated his Fuel chip and is no longer in danger of making a colossal mistake.

Rodimus is pissed and offended and only Magnus's repeated refusal to allow him to make a run for it and one time biting him does he finally do it and then groaning collapses on the bed horrified.

RODIMUS: I am a fragging moron. Oh Primus, I almost, I was touching him and–Fuck Mags horny me is a idiot.

ULTRA MAGNUS: I will refrain from commenting on your relative intelligence in relation to your inebriated state. Do you feel you are currently in possession of the correct processing to not make "horrific and irreversible personal choices" per your own words.

RODIMUS: Yeah Mags. You are the MVP. Sorry about the biting. Fuck I need a good frag or at least a regular buddy for distraction.

ULTRA MAGNUS: (reaches over and mechanically pats RODIMUS'S spoiler five times) I am sure you will be able to locate an appropriate substitute. Your frame is conventionally attractive and your personality is generally pleasing. By your own words you have "rave reviews". If you feel you are not up to the task of selecting potential partners I can compile a list of sexually available mechanisms who fit a general criteria you provide.

RODIMUS: That's sweet Mags, but honestly probably not a good idea to go looking through the crew for a lay. Not exactly the most popular guy right now.

ULTRA MAGNUS: I see. If you are looking for someone of similar rank outside of the chain of command, Thunder–

RODIMUS: NO!

ULTRA MAGNUS: Unfortunate. Is there something beyond interfacing you can feel your time with instead?

RODIMUS: Again Mags, not the most popular guy right now. Most people aren't to keen on hanging out with the guy who brought Overlord onboard.

ULTRA MAGNUS: I see.

(Silence.)

ULTRA MAGNUS: We could always socialize together.

RODIMUS: …like sexually?

ULTRA MAGNUS: No. You enjoy other activities. We can do an activity together. Socially.

ULTRA MAGNUS: You are not the only one who has made mistakes recently.

RODIMUS: We could try? I guess. I don't think our tastes crossover that much.

ULTRA MAGNUS: I will endeavor to approach this with an open mind if you will.

RODIMUS: (interested, wiggling up) Why not! Nothing can be worse than what almost happened. Maybe a movie? That's pretty neutral right? Good start.

ULTRA MAGNUS: (nods) Tomorrow after our shift. I will meet you in your room.

RODIMUS: It's a date. Ah, a not-date? An activity?

-

GETAWAY: WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME RODIMUS WAS FRAGGING ULTRA MAGNUS?

ATOMIZER: Why do you care?

GETAWAY: (through gritted teeth figuratively) I don't. I'm fine with this. Hot Rod can frag anyone he wants. We're over. Who cares if he's decided to rebound with minibot-in-a-bbox?

ATOMIZER: …really getting the lack of care.

Mmmhm makes sense makes sense

I mean hey in all the situations they're allowed to fuck it's certainly this. (Even if it was a big unnecessary, considering the living furnace that is Roddie.) The way Ratty and crew full on caught them too ssdgdss. Unneeded, yes. Hilarious, yes.

Ultra Magnus, professional cock block.

He didn't even give a fuck about the rest of the party goddamn

Of course biting got involved

Mag is the absolute MVP yes yes

Magnus are you offering to wingman for him in your own way

aH YES MAGGY SUGGESTING THUNDERCLASH

wAIYWAUTWAUTWAIT THEY THINK THEY'RE FRAGGING. THEY THINK RODDIE AND MAGS ARE FRAGGING

youuuuu sure you don't care Getaway? Sure-sure? :3 you sure?

[disco-elysium-via-polls]

MAGNESIUM-BASED LIFEFORM

Temporary bonus: -1 Shivers: No shakes

It is generally understood that human beings are carbon-based organisms, fusing little carbon tubes together to form complex, mushy structures capable of thought, love, and locomotion. It is also known that these structures sometimes like to “take the edge off” by consuming ethanol, amphetamine, etc. In such cases, it is important to supplement your body with magnesium. Tired? Mag it! Down? Mag time! Liver damage? MAXIMUM MAG! Some people say magnesium doesn’t really do anything and you just need to quit. What do we tell them?

DETECTIVE COSTEAU

Temporary bonus: -2 Conceptualization: An idiotic idea

Detective Raphaël Ambrosius Costeau – when you say it, it feels like you’re taking a bite of lemon meringue while sitting on the terrace of a seaside cafe. On a cool summer day. In Sur-La-Clef. It’s everything you’re *not*. You haven’t created many things during your stay in Martinaise, but you’ve created this. A fancy, sophisticated name that makes you sound intelligent. And that no one seems to *acknowledge*. Don’t you feel like you deserve a reward for coming up with something so special? And what would that reward *be*?

BRINGING OF THE LAW (LAW-JAW)

Temporary bonus: -1 Rhetoric: Weird jaw

Hey, so a little observation. It’s all cool, man. Don’t freak out, but every time you say “I am the law“ – and you say it *a lot*, it’s basically *hello* for you – your jaw does this *weird thing*. It sort of shifts sideways, hanging off your face at a jaunty angle, while the word *law* sounds oddly guttural and low. It’s… strange. You wouldn’t notice it, but after saying you’re the law eighty thousand times, the question *does* come up: why *do* you have Law Jaw?

DATE OF BIRTH GENERATOR

Temporary bonus: None

Your face looks like it’s 58 and your body feels like it’s 60. Your mind feels like it’s lived for one day or a hundred. Both longer than they ought to be, the day and the century…. But for how long, then, has this thing attached to your sentience walked the planet’s crust? Time to start racking those brains of yours, Elder One. When and where were you born?

ONE MORE DOOR

Temporary bonus: +1 Half Light: What is behind it?

God dammit, it cannot be. A disgrace! That door on the coast… you remember the one, right? The one that leads to the abandoned supply depot? Why, in the name of all that’s holy, does it not open? *Why*?! There *has* to be a way to get through that unopenable door. By gods, you’re the police – all doors are supposed to open before you. What will the others at the precinct think if you can’t open a goddamn door? There must be a way.

COP OF THE APOCALYPSE

Temporary bonus: -1 Rhetoric: Rambling madman

You woke up in a hotel room and started rambling about the end of the world. It’s not your normal everyday doom-crying, either. Something truly colossal is approaching – the Gloaming. The Culling. The Bloodletting of Unimaginable Proportions. Until now you’ve been *pleasantly* vague about the precise nature of this cataclysm. No more! Put the Bloodletting on the burner and *really* figure out what’s threatening the fragile physical reality you just found yourself in.

ARNO VAN EYCK

Temporary bonus: +1 Interfacing

The question won’t leave you – why did the melody line from a broken and discarded tape fit perfectly into a song played by some speedfreaks in a frozen tent? Can it be a coincidence? Maybe it’s the hand of the Man-Machine himself, in his attempt to craft a perfect song. Maybe Egg Head is actually Arno van Eyck in disguise!? Eyck? Egg? Hmm…

WASTE LAND OF REALITY

Temporary bonus: -2 Physical Instrument: Insomnia

It has been brought to your attention that you’re an alcoholic. And that it’s a sickness. And it’s killing you. You're crawling on your knees through life, your booze-filled belly dragging on the ground, your brain now fuzzy, now in overdrive, your hair sticking together with today's cold sweat and yesterday's vomit. Perhaps they’re right. Anything is better than this. Even bone-dry reality itself. Maybe you can quit?

ANTI-OBJECT TASK FORCE

Temporary bonus: -2 Pain Threshold: Hurts!

Take a look at your hands. See how bruised they are? See those little scars? This is Exhibit A. The material world is holding you back. Containers, mailboxes, doors, chairs -- they are all your enemies. Always have been. Atoms themselves are in on the conspiracy, forming shapes and structures that you hate. You are energy stuck in a body. You are spirit trapped in matter. Break free! Beat up that lamp post! Let it know just how much objects *suck*.

[kulturegroupie]

Discover Jimmy Page pt. 3

The Mighty Zeppelin

from pageysartgallery

How to start writing about something that was bigger than anyone involved, even bigger than its own creator?

In the Zeppelin realm, myth and real happenings merge together to form a bittersweet reality, that first made its leader a man of godlike status and then slowly killed its own divinity.

From its creation to the very end, Led Zeppelin has been a colossal, thunderous force that changed the world of rock and roll forever, architect of a sound considered underground at first, that proceeded to take over the world with its infectious groove.

All thanks to the ambitious mind of one gifted 24 year old.

After plans of an alleged band featuring himself, his longtime friend Jeff Beck, Keith Moon and John Entwistle got cancelled, Jimmy Page, then 22, decided to continue the path he was on with his current band, the Yardbirds, which quickly enriched him with brand new experiences around the world, for the first time as a member of a well-known rock and roll band.

He started being praised for his unique playing style, as well as the countless revolutionary ideas he was applying to live performances and slowly collecting for an upcoming album.

While in Los Angeles with the Yardbirds in May 1968, Jimmy visited a palm-reader and brought tour manager Richard Cole along with him.

“It was on Sunset Boulevard, not far from the hotel. Richard was with me so I’ve got a witness. The key phrase was, ‘You're going to make a decision in a very short period of time that's going to change your life.’ Within 48 hours the other Yardbirds said they didn't want to continue. I was disappointed – what we had going I was willing to do with them, whatever it was. I can understand how disillusioned they were, but I could see the trajectory. FM radio was happening. I knew what that meant to underground bands. I wanted an underground band, but one that would come through and make a difference.”

— Jimmy Page, Rolling Stone

What would follow is a long, almost obsessive search for musicians available around his area, but after two weeks nothing had changed yet. Page then reached out to Terry Reid, a vocalist and guitarist whose work he had become interested in. Reid turned down the offer, explaining that he had already committed to go on the road for two tours with the Rolling Stones and another with Cream. He suggested to Page that if he were compensated for the gig fees he would lose and if Page would call Keith Richards to explain why Reid had to pull out of the US tours, Reid would try some things out with Page. It never happened and Reid told Page to consider a young Birmingham-based singer, Robert Plant, instead, having previously seen Plant's Band of Joy as a support act at one of his concerts. Reid also suggested Page check out their drummer John Bonham.

The New Yardbirds - soon to be Led Zeppelin* following a cease and desist letter issued by Chris Dreja - became one of the best-selling acts of all time, with strong musical morals and an eagerness to expand and explore their individual and collective abilities as much as they could.

*Why the name Led Zeppelin? Because it brought “the perfect combination of heavy and light, combustibility and grace” to Page's mind.

They broke records and earned a reputation for excess, but most importantly, they gained a steady place in the hearts of countless musicians and/or fans, a place that would endure the passage of time and still be here, today, after more than half a century.

What's curious about this 12 year period is that Jimmy continued his career as a session musician, too. Collaborators around this time include Joe Cocker, Chris Farlowe, P.J. Proby, Screaming Lord Sutch and Roy Harper.

My favourite tracks from this time period are the ones he recorded with Maggie Bell! She has a voice easily comparable to Janis Joplin's, and Jimmy's solos on these two songs are absolutely flawless and full of page-isms:

(Released March 31, 1975)

Another song I'm fond of is "Male Chauvinist Pig Blues", where Jimmy's electric guitar can be heard throughout the entire track:

(Released February 14, 1974)

And of course the live version of the song (part of Roy's Flashes from the Archives of Oblivion live album), in which a stunning slide guitar performance is delivered by Page:

(Released 1974)

As for Led Zeppelin, a remarkable piece of their early history is the first studio track all four members ever recorded together on August 25, 1968. Part of the P.J. Proby album Three Week Hero, the name of the track is "Jim's Blues" (featuring Robert Plant on harmonica):

Also worthy of notice is the first Zeppelin bootleg ever recorded, from their December 30, 1968 show in Spokane, Washington.

I really recommend checking out the bootlegs because a big part of what separated Led Zeppelin from other bands were their outstanding live performances and on-stage improvisations! If you may need a guide to the best bootlegs in order to get started, here's a really helpful one.

One song from the earlier years that was to be recorded as part of their first album - but probably got discarded to make place for other tracks - is my beloved As Long As I Have You:

(This version was performed at the Fillmore West on April 27, 1969)

Personally I will never forgive them for not including it as it's one of my favourite Zep songs ever.

As we all know, after many years and quotes of Robert Plant swearing that the band may as well “go on forever”, the tragic death of John Bonham on September 25, 1980 at Jimmy Page's then recently acquired Old Mill House, after a long day of alcohol binges, is what finally put an end to the giant that was, and forever will be, Led Zeppelin.

“Led Zeppelin wasn't a corporate entity. Led Zeppelin was an affair of the heart. Each of the members was important to the sum total of what we were. I like to think that if it had been me that wasn't there, the others would have made the same decision. What were we going to do? Create a role for somebody? Say, ‘You have to do this, this way?’ That wouldn't be honest.”

— Jimmy Page, 2014

Live performance:

There are quite a few professionally filmed concerts included as part of the 2003 Led Zeppelin DVD that you can watch on YouTube:

1970.01.09 London, Royal Albert Hall

1973.07.27, 28, 29, New York City, Madison Square Garden

1975.05.24 London, Earl's Court

1975.05.25 London, Earl's Court Arena

1979.08.04 Stevenage, Knebworth Festival

1979.08.11 Stevenage, Knebworth Festival

However, there is one more fully filmed concert that was not included in the DVD. It's the July 17, 1977 concert in Seattle:

Interview:

There is only one available filmed Jimmy interview on YouTube from the Zeppelin years that everyone and their mum has seen lol (the Sept. 18th 1970 one), so instead I want to include this other one, only recorded - not filmed, but a very precious piece of musical history nonetheless:

He addresses many topics and is quite talkative for 1977, a time when he would just stand up from his chair and say “I'm really not sorry to say the interview has ended” when the interviewer seemed to get on his nerves.

Gallery:

[somanyfuckedupiftruebooks]

Mag 46

Hey Mike! Fancy seeing you around here.

Do we think that the Vast deliberately chooses manlets to be its avatars?

It must be so annoying to be haunted by a smell.

But at least he's saving money on electricity!

It's very good that in circles where he's not the world's most hated man, Leitner is known as a colossal moron.

All the books got loose and everyone started dying. I don't know if this is technically Leitner's fault but I choose to blame him for it anyway.

It is impressive that Herbert managed to hold onto Ex Alriora for an entire week when whatsesface from Mag 4 barely had it for 24 hours and almost dropped off the face of the Earth.

Fuck yes Mike. Kill this guy! We love an unrepentant son of a bitch.

CHEQUE CHEQUE CHEQUE CHEQUE

Everyone in the world is either immediately consumed by possessing a Leitner or else desperate to get rid of it. But not Herb. Herb's like 'bitch better have my money'.

[itssomethingcosmic]

MAG 106: A Matter of Perspective

If I had to choose any episode that truly encapsulates my outlook on life, my feelings about Jonmartin, and generally just makes me go “YES! That One! I LOVE that one!” it would absolutely be MAG 106: A Matter of Perspective.

I’m a huge existential/cosmic horror fan to the point where it fascinates and comforts me more than it actually terrifies me. On nights when I’m having trouble falling asleep, I lay stretched out on my back feeling the comforting mattress below me, and I imagine I am floating through space — absolutely weightless with no need for a spacesuit or helmet.

The concept of there being something out there moving between the stars is incredibiy fascinating! Some space creature so ancient and colossal that it feeds on entire star systems and whose cry could destroy us entirely. I love it so much!!!

I also genuinely love this episode for the fact that it confirms ace Jon 🖤🤍💜 TMA was the first podcast I listened to that had a biromantic asexual as its main character — where it was supported by canon and creator confirmed by Jonny Sims himself. His asexuality is talked about so respectfully and casually in this scene that it’s just a simple fact about who Jon is! I truly felt…well… Seen. (and of course I always love hearing how much of a jealous bitch Martin is around others’ interactions with Jon hehe <3)

I think the saddest thing that sticks out to me is Melanie’s experiences throughout this episode: reading the statement, her plans to go out for drinks with Basira and Martin, and her performance review with Elias...

In a vast, ultimately meaningless universe, we create that meaning!!! Optimistic nihilism as Jan cleverly put it!!!!

Melanie finding a tiny bit of comfort in her dad passing away in his sleep in the colossal grief that is losing a parent, deliberately choosing to go out and have a good time with work friends… This was her way of finding small moments of life and freedom in defiance of the weight of it all, before Elias completely shattered her outlook on both.

Elias wanted to take Melanie’s defiance exactly how the Vast took Jan’s.

@a-mag-a-day

[go-to-the-mirror]

FUCK YEAH PANOPTICON TIME!

Firstly, this is my favourite almost season finale, like, the whole thing has so much going on (good), we get a resolution to Daisy and Basira's stuff, an actual culmination of 3 or 4 seasons of wondering about the circumstances of Gertrude's death (i love the future gertrude stuff, i do, but i'd be fine if she didn't show up in tape again after this episode), the revelation of Elias being Jonah Magnus, Martin's stuff is delt with, that moment when Elias laughs.

It's phenomenal. I just had to get out that it's phenomenal.

Now, @a-mag-a-day, the antepenultimate episode of season 4. Panopticon.

Let's go.

I think you should also know that I have my cat lying next to me :3 He's really cute.

MARTIN That's a Leitner. PETER It is! MARTIN And the, um… the blood on it? PETER (Cheerfully) That's Leitner too!

I love this part, it's very funny. You know, I will never understand those who hate Peter Lukas with the same vitriol as I hate Elias with. Peter's voice is just really nice okay. I sort of find myself... liking him. He's fun, I don't know.

NOT-SASHA So you finally decided to let me out, Jon? (Calling) Jooooon? (Beat) Who's there? (Martin's terrified breathing can be heard) Who let me out? Don't be shy… I just want to say thank you.

Martin's terrified breathing was heard. Good lord, 10/10 great terrified breathing. I'm guessing that Martin and/or Peter used their spooky, lonely powers and hid from her.

PETER Make sure everyone is too busy to follow us. They'll be fine. Probably. You could still go help them. If you insist. (Beat) (Martin lets out a resigned breath) (Satisfied) Very good. Come on.

I mean, he's still a bastard, I just don't hate him.

PETER Why'd you think this was chosen as the Institute's location when the prison closed? It's a significant site of power for the Beholding. From the tower in the centre of this room, you can see everything.

So, quick little... fun facts, I suppose. Milbank Prison was first designed by Jeremy Bentham, and it was meant to be a panopticon prison, guarded by just one person who could see anything - but not everything. None of the inmates would know if they were being watched so, Bentham theorised, the inmates would act as if they were being watched all the time. The prison guard who watched the inmates would in turn not know when they were being watched by the general public and public officials. Bentham intended for this to be used as a solution for the question:"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?", who guards the guards, who watches the watchers?

There's a whole lot more about the panopticon as a thing, but I'm actually pretty interested in it and I know I'll get dragged into a little research spiral, so instead, more about the prison itself.

The site of Milbank Prison was bought in 1799 by Jeremy Bentham, and the panopticon plan was abandoned in 1812. There was a competition for who's prison design would be built on the site, and William Williams' won, and was adapted by Thomas Hardwick. After 18 months, Hardwick resigned and was replaced with John Harvey. In 1815, Harvey was dismissed and Robert Smirke took his place, completing it in 1821. The prison closed in 1890, and demolished on and off till it was finally gone in 1903.

This all to say, that I think Jonah Magnus attempted The Watcher's Crown around 1890, because he said he moved it to London after it failed.

I convinced Smirke to work on Millbank, leading him to design it as a temple to all the Fears in equilibrium, such that my own modifications to the design of the Panopticon went… unremarked. It. Took. Years, for the dread of the prisoners that passed through to fully suffuse the place, and I was an old man by the time I made my first attempt at the Watcher’s Crown, sat in the centre of that colossal eye, the great ring of cells encircling me like a coronet. It was… flawed, of course, as all Smirke’s rituals were, and none of the inmates survived as the power I attempted to harness shook the building almost to pieces, and the murky swamp upon which the prison was built consumed it. But it left me a gift: For sat in that watchtower, I could see everything I turned my mind to. It was a dizzying power, and one I discovered I maintained even as I found vessels to extend my life. Of course, I had to make sure the location was kept under my control while I worked on revising my plans, and so I moved the organization I had founded to assist in my research down to London, and the Institute as you know it, was born.

(MAG 160)

However, this does say "the dread of the prisoners that passed through" so it could have been in the 1840s and 50s, when Milbank was a holding prison for convicts going to be transported.

I just want a timeframe. But, I mean, if we did get one it would probably be contradicted to hell and back (/lh /nsrs).

PETER I don't mean the cells, Martin! I mean everything. Come on. Mind your step, this comes from an era before safety rails.

I think safety rails were first used in the 1930s, but don't quote me on that. Meaning, yes, this does probably come from an era before safety rails.

PETER Jonah Magnus! His body at least. Sitting here, watching. Binding it all together, growing ever older. If you want to take his place, well… MARTIN I'll need to kill him. PETER Yes. Don't worry, though, I brought a knife.

I feel like you're going to need to start carrying a knife if you work at the Magnus Institute. I mean, it's illegal to carry a knife of certain sizes of varieties (no switchblades!), it's also just illegal to carry any knife without good reason and "I have a high risk of death to supernatural creatures at my archiving job" probably doesn't cut it. Still, Jon bought a knife back in season 2. Jon bought an axe back in season 2, how the hell did he carry it around without raising quite a bit of suspicion?

MARTIN Where are his eyes? [A footstep] ELIAS Exactly where they've always been, Martin. (Martin gasps) Watching over my Institute.

That's such a cool line!! Also, uh:

But he remembers so clearly what he was thinking as he looked at what was left of Allan Schrieber: where are his eyes? What did they do with his eyes?

(MAG 193)

It just immediately got me thinking about that line.

BASIRA And you're sure? ARCHIVIST Yes, I'm sure it wasn't here before! BASIRA It's just that there's a lot of tapes around. ARCHIVIST And I don't keep any of them with the key to the tunnels. It's been left for me. DAISY And it says 'play me'. Kind of suspicious.

IM SORRY, THERE'S JSUT A LITTLE TAPE WITH A STICKY NOTE ON IT SAYING "PLAY ME" AND BASIRA THINKS IT COULD HAVE BEEN THERE BEFORE?? IM SORRY IM JUST DYING OVER HERE

GERTRUDE (Disparagingly) I'm not really in the mood for nostalgia, Elias. You might have noticed I'm rather busy so either shoot me or— [A gunshot rings out; Gertrude gasps and collapses] GERTRUDE Well… (gasp) there it is. (gasp) Thought it would hurt more. (Elias sighs) ELIAS Pity.

I really love that we get to hear what I thought - and to be honest, kind of hoped - was the last Gertrude tape in this context.

Like, everything's coming to a head, here and now in this episode. Peter's plan with The Extinction, whatever Elias' deal was (actually Jonah Magnus), Daisy's whole thing, and finally hearing Gertrude's death here was just amazing! Like, we take all the plot stuff, we throw it in one episode, this is our Unknowings, our Hide and Seek, our Infestation.

Then, there's The Last that's like, ok we get the emotional resolution between Jon and Martin and Martin's whole lonely thing, finally and then we're like yeah, the next one's always a bit more of a resolution, but Jonah Magnus is planning someone, ahaha Peter what did you MEAN "he got you"? WHAT???

But, focusing on Gertrude's death... I... ok, look, I'm going to grab messages I sent to my friends, because I can't explain how much I love Panopticon and Gertrude's death scene here.

Her [Gertrude's] ending in panopticon is PERFECT like, that's the End of gertrude robinson And i liked the bits we got of her in mag 161, 162, and 167 But i REALLY like just like that ending, the whole "who killed Gertrude Robinson", "what was Gertrude Robinson's whole deal", all the mysteries about Gertrude Robinson just wrapped up neatly in a noose around her neck If you're listening to tma for gertrude, PANOPTICON IS LAST Like oohhhh words cannot describe how much I LOVE the placement of the tape with gertrude's murder Panopticon is SUCH a good episode Like, The Last was our emotional resolution, The Eye Opens was our Jonny comes into our houses and fucking MURDERS us episode, but Panopticon was our original recording episode and <33 It's like!!! - Martin MAKING HIS CHOICE - THE GERTRUDE TAPE - Jon FINALLY GETTING TO SAVE MARTIN LOVE THE GAYS - Daisy giving into the hunt - LITERALLY EVERYONE AT ONCE ATTACKING THEM

Do you understand me? I hope you understand me.

ELIAS (Faux-hurt) Peter. PETER (Cold) Elias.

*deadpan* The joys of marriage.

PETER We're the same, you and I. We don't need anyone else. Watching from a distance, that's always who you've been. Haven't you enjoyed it these last few months, drifting through the Archives unseen, unjudged? You'll like it in there. I promise. MARTIN Yeah. Yeah, I think I would.

When you're numb from the cold, it feels better to be in the cold then to be warm and defrost. And if you do get warmed up, but can't stay warm for long enough it does more damage. But you've got to get to the warmth eventually. It's going to kill you out there, in the cold because it's safer than getting hurt.

Would you prefer it there? Maybe. It's numb. It doesn't sting. "But as with all [...] that promises respite, it is a trap."

ARCHIVIST Do ah… do I get a gun? BASIRA You ever fired one? ARCHIVIST (Indignant) You never taught me!

I just like the way Jon says it. Gosh, they're all having the absolute worst days, aren't they.

NOT-SASHA Hello, Jon. DAISY Oh, shit. ARCHIVIST You gotta be fucking kidding—

If there was any place for swearing it is definitely in this situation where everything that (he knows) could have gone wrong HAS gone wrong. Like, just, absolute worst time over here.

I love it when Jon just gets fed up. Like, when in 107 where he was just like "so, kidnapped. again." and the whole "how embarrassing for you". Just like, fuck yea dude, be a bit of a bastard when there are many, many, MANY things trying to kill you.

BASIRA God dammit. Jon, go, we'll keep them busy. ARCHIVIST What? No! I— BASIRA Don't argue. Just go! NOT-SASHA (Distant) Joooon? ARCHIVIST Fine. Just don't die. DAISY Go.

I think it's really nice that... i dunno, they told him to run, they risked their lives for martin, someone who they thought was "working for the enemy" or whatever. especially for basira.

MARTIN It's not him! It's not anybody. It's just me. Always has been. I... When I first came to you, I thought I had lost everything. John was dead, my mother was dead, the job I had put everything into had trapped me into spreading evil and I… I really didn't care what happened to me. I told myself I was trying to protect the others, but honestly we didn't even like each other. Maybe I just thought joining up with you would be a good way to get killed.

I really didn't appreciate Martin enough on my first listen. I was just... so caught up in the whole... Jon thing. He was my favourite since about episode 30. I liked Martin fine, I really liked Helen, but most of the characters I liked was done through the context of... loving Jon. Just really couldn't see past him.

And then... so I was talking to my friend about how Jon has adhd because I'm projecting, and it brought up that Martin's got that social anxiety & depression combo. And as I read those quotes that she collected, I realised he was right, and I realised I knew him. And from that day forth, I began to love Martin K Blackwood.

Then I listened to recollection on the bus and started crying.

So, this is my first listen where I know Martin. I'm not entirely sure what to say about this, I just... poor guy. I get him :(

And then… Jon came back, and… and suddenly I had a reason.

A WHAT?

Funny. Looks like I was right the first time. It's probably still a good way to get killed.

I'm sad. I'm sad about him. God, I just wanna give him a hug or something

ELIAS Your choice. Just make sure to leave the door open.

the fucking. the fucking. door.

(Elias lets out a long, triumphant laugh, then sighs, contented)

I want to murder him with my bare hands. He's won. He's fucking won. I am SO glad he was stabbed. HHHHhhh murder.

ELIAS (Pleased) …My you have grown. Yes. A masterpiece, isn't it?

I'm gonna kill someone and his name is Jonah Magnus.

ARCHIVIST Yeah. It is. And that's you then? Your… body?

Look, I mean, yeah evil, but also like, kinda cool though-

Also, like, he's also kind of... evil. It's complicated. I mean, he did have the whole "it is the worst place that has ever been beautiful and it should not exist" thing like-

No one is even blaming him for this, it is PURELY the piece of my brain that exists only for playing devil's advocate, which, like, USEFUL, but also, shut up!

ELIAS From out here? Impossible. ARCHIVIST You want me to follow him? ELIAS No, Jon. You want you to follow him.

That's not even bloody subtle. "You want you to follow him" says guy who LITERALLY MANIPULATED THE SITUATION SO THAT HE'D HAVE TO GO INTO THE LONELY, christ i am so FUCKING GLAD HE GOT STABBED

I can't do this, I literally cannot. Considering murder. Ben Meradith does a great job at doing a voice so punchable, and then Jonny does a great job at writing lines so stabbable, and together it's the beginning of MAG 200 :3

ELIAS (CONT’D) Very good. Are you scared, Jon? ARCHIVIST (Quietly) Yes. [The Lonely static crescendos] ELIAS Perfect.

HISS HISS KILLING AND MAIMING, FUCK HE WON

he... won.

i haven't done a relisten to season 4 before, it's just as physically painful as season 1, 2, and 3, good lord.

LIKE, OH MY GODDD AARHRHGHRGHR RIPPING AND TEARING "ARE YOU SCARED, JON" "YES" "PERFECT" FUCK YOU FUCK YOUR RITUAL FUCK THIS IM GOING TO SCREAM

oooohohhhhhh well done, you bastard, all fourteen fucking marks got. you're gonna live forever, or as close to forever as is possible.

i am so glad that in that final moment he was alive, he told jon that he didn't think jon would go through with it and jon fucking stabbed him.

THIS IS MY THING FOR 158!

so, 160 is going to be... it's going to be quite... interesting.

[echofromtheabyss]

There's always been an analysis that visibility of homosexuality killed homoromanticism and cast a shadow on homosociality. The thing is, I think it's the visibility of sexuality in some ways that is a unique 20th century thing and that this created some interesting social dynamics probably. I think a big thing that happened in the 20th is that sexuality became much more brazenly open over the course of the century. Or it may be that it was suddenly more VISIBLE. And accessible. But visible is a big thing, thanks to the rise of mass media, and among other things much that mass media is originally not made for the tastes of the elite and it is made by people from social classes with more heterosocial norms than the elite have. "Lowbrow" culture actually became a strong broad mass culture norm. Twentieth Century mass media does not actually have an elitist history. A chunk of your favorite fandoms and songs were originated by working class people, by veterans, by people who don't really make it into the public eye now. Counterculture people, and even people who would never be heard now because they would've been siloed up into a fringe political pipeline by now. It was actually a lot harder to escape seeing porn mags and nudie posters in the 1970s and 80s than it is now. Porn went online since then and now it is even leaving the commons. A ton of the mass media a Twentian grew up with, would be social content now. Social media and meming are the shape of that in the 21st century. And that stuff is on platforms that have nanny rails. In the 20th century, there starts to be ample physical record of the tastes of people far, far outside what we get from the tastemakers. (And part of the vibe change we all feel - is media consolidation and siloing, and the massive changes to mass culture over the last thirty years.) In the 20th, sexuality becomes visible. People have more reason to worry about what their daughters are getting up to. And oh noes they might be riding in those SIN WAGONS and mingling with... the... wrong... people... (Speaking of sin wagons, this is another way a part of the culture is actually kinda pre-Twentian. The same people who don't like cars. Twentians love the sin wagons, though they're too small to sin in now) And the arguments between Freud and Jung as the century opens are practically one of the central arguments of the 20th. But anyway one thing that happens during this very very horny century is that practically everything starts to be sexualized. Every interaction with anyone, over time, starts to be sus for potential screwing. Stuff that's borderline pornographic by others' standards starts to be very visible and we start to have rapid churn on modesty standards. And to truly comprehend the culture change that happened between 1900 and the 20s, consider that the distance between Gibson Girls and flappers is roughly... emo kids and now. The 20th century is an openly bawdy century. And the culture struggles to contain it. The 20th is like someone sitting in the corner who is desperately struggling not to touch themselves. Its sexual energy is like me when I'm trying not to stim or pace (because I'm a human perpetual motion machine). It may BE all the chaos that Deco Twentians lived through over the course of a very violent, disease-ridden, war-ravaged period of history of absolutely colossal technological and infrastructural change. I mean... all of that uncertainty would make me want to live for the moment, too.

[doomedandstoned]

Ireland’s TEN TON SLUG Oozes with Filth and Fury on ‘Colossal Oppressor’

~Doomed & Stoned Debuts~

By Billy Goate

Artwork by Adam Burk/Nightjar Illustration

From the City of Tribes, comes TEN TON SLUG, a band that really does live up to its name for its massive attack and weighty sound. We featured the Galway four-piece some years back on our compilation Doomed & Stoned in Ireland and now, after teasing us with two EPs in 2016 and 2017, they are back with their debut full-length, 'Colossal Oppressor' (2024).

Ten Ton Slug's name reminds me of the iconic album cover of the Conan & Slomatics split back in 2012, which showed a warrior atop a slithering ogre. Of course, that was a snail not a slug, but if you've ever wondered what it would be like to encounter a mollusk of such proportions, look no further than the seven mighty tracks before us.

The record begins appropriately with "The Ooze," ushering us to a scene besieged by oppression and war. "They cast us to the fires, they push us towards the sea," growls frontman Rónán Ó hÁrrachtáin. "Subjugation is here!" Right off we get a feel for the kind of energy the band brings to the stage, with unrelenting rhythms from Pavol Rosa (bass) and Kelvin Doran (drums). Rónán fires off fierce, sludgey vocals, with backing vox and killer groove metal riffs from Sean Sullivan. The tone and tenor is not surprising from guys who've been in such acts as Weed Priest and Soothsayer.

"Balor" is next, and gives a play-by-play of those in the throes of a wild horde. In Celtic mythology, Balor was chief of the Fomoire, a crazed race of demons who threatened the Irish with extinction during the chaotic second battle of Mag Tuired. "Jump to deny these false gods, rip them out!" Rónán urges his people, echoing the war cries of past generations. "Banish them all from their dystopian thrones!" The sentiment of the song is certainly relatable to anyone living under the hand of hapless leadership or the whims of dictators. Riffs seem to characterize the fluttering of demonic wings and vocals are dripping with caustic ire.

"Ancient Ways" dons a racing heartbeat in explosive drumming from Kelvin Doran, then the mood becomes dark and doomy as the band warns of gathering storms. "Plant your feet, take a brace, hold your ground!" adjures Rónán, "Ancient ways prevail, gaining strength to kill." Meanwhile, Sean Sullivan delivers ominous tech-death style riffage (as you'll hear later on the single "Mindless and Blind"), then belts out a piercing classic metal solo. Pavol Rosa's basswork is almost jazzy.

Dissonance rules the day in "Brutus" and brutal it is, featuring a collaboration from none other than Karl Willetts of Bolt Thrower fame (currently heading up Memoriam). His approach is low toned and raspy, almost as if he is breathing fire. All three vocalists play off each other with intimidating effect.

Another highlight of the record for sure is "Mallacht an tSloda," a song entirely in the Irish language. Ten Ton Slug explain it "captures the fury and wrath of the wretched oppressed who curse and revile their oppressor using the finest of Gaelic curses and ill-sentiments (to which the characteristic sound of the Irish language lends itself so well)." Fans of Tasmania's Psycroptic will find much to admire here, and the singing in the final minutes is the deadliest we've heard thus far.

The record finishes on "Mogore the Unkind", the longest track at nine-and-a-half minutes. It contains lines of ancient Hittite, a mysterious kingdom only uncovered archaeologically in 1834 but memorialized in Egyptian writings and reliefs. The Hittites were famous for their chariots of war, these "dark warlords of Hattusha." The song is about blood, sand, betrayal, and burning cities. A fitting end to this damning tour de force.

One more thing you should know, Ten Ton Slug tells us:

The last notes on the album were played by the remnants of a prehistoric lumbering beast that lived some 20,000 years ago...using a plec made from the tusk of a Siberian Mammoth, paying homage to the colossal beasts of the past.

This monster slithers out on vinyl, compact disc, and digital formats on Wednesday, May 1st (pre-order here).

And now get ready for a wild ride, as Doomed & Stoned gives you a first listen to Ten Ton Slug's Colossal Oppressor.

Give ear...

Colossal Oppressor by Ten Ton Slug

SOME BUZZ

Ten Ton Slug originated in the depths of Connemara in the west of Ireland in 2014 and plays a riff-filled mix of sludge and doom characterised by huge riffs and pummeling drums coupled with dynamic and charismatic heavy vocals.

The Slug has gained a stellar live reputation and a loyal and ever-expanding fanbase throughout Ireland, the UK and beyond, having shared stages with bands such as Black Label Society, Corrosion of Conformity, Memoriam, Crowbar, Conan, Jinjer, Bongzilla and more.

Self-organised tours across the UK, Ireland and brief runs into Europe as both support and headliner alongside appearances at notable festivals including Bloodstock Open Air and Metaldays have helped spread the slime far and wide; continuing this year with the band’s upcoming slot at Maryland Doom Fest and run of shows in the USA in mid 2024.

Two studio releases (‘Brutal Gluttonous Beast’ and ‘Blood and Slime’), one live EP (’Live at the Siege of Limerick’) and a single (‘Hunting Ground’) have all garnered excellent reviews to date, and May 2024 sees release of the long awaited and eagerly anticipated debut album Colossal Oppressor, featuring guest vocals by Karl Willetts of Memoriam/Bolt Thrower on the track "Brutus."

‘Colossal Oppressor’ is a slab of triple distilled slime that constitutes the culmination of over five years of work and dedication. It features all the elements from previous Ten Ton Slug releases such as powerful riffs and huge drums with Ronan’s characteristic vocals layered on top, yet develops them further and expands on them by incorporating more dynamic bass, developed songwriting and a wider variety of different grooves, atmosphere and melodic feels resulting in an album the Slug will be proud to enslave humanity to.

With cover art by Adam Burke of Nightjar illustration and guest vocals by Karl Willetts on the track "Brutus," ‘Colossal Oppressor’ melds doom, sludge, and metal elements to create 40+ minutes of prime riffage. The album expands upon the previous sound of the Slug incorporating new languages and elements including acoustic guitar intros, interludes, leadwork and more of a dual vocal approach.

TEN TON SLUG ON TOUR

Ireland

May 3rd - Limerick (tix)

May 5th - Dublin (tix)

North America

June 19th - Cambridge, Massachusetts @The Middle East (upstairs)

June 20th - New York (TBA)

June 21st - Frederick, Maryland @Maryland Doom Fest

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[techgeeksite]

The Best iPhone 13 Pro Max Cases of 2024

You’ve chosen the big iPhone 13 Pro Max, which means the laws of physics will show no mercy if you drop your phone. Luckily we’ve got a list of sizable covers that will keep your colossal cellphone safe and shiny. UPDATE: 01/24/2024 We’ve reviewed our recommendations and updated our picks for the best case overall and the best leather case. Spigen Spigen Mag Armor for iPhone 13 Pro Max Best…

[coffeecatttt]

Bionic Commando Rearmed 2 is kinda fucked up

So anyway, I finished playing Bionic Commando Rearmed 2 last night because I love modern, current video games that all the cool kids are into. And hoo jeez, is this game really a time capsule.

Did They Even Talk To Anyone?

For a game centred around a bunch of disabled soldiers with bionic limbs, it is shockingly, stupidly ableist.

First, the plot is centred around the disappearance of Colonel Brubaker - a triple amputee who is a brilliant tactician but uses a floating hover chair to get around - orchestrating a staged mission in a Latin American-inspired dictatorship, so that he can wipe out his team and steal their bionic limbs for himself.

Of course, installing someone else’s bionic limbs on your body doesn’t just risk rejection, it literally, canonically “drives you crazy”. So naturally, this happens not just to the main villain... it also happens to another squadmate, who does the same out of desperation when his unit is all but wiped out. The final couple of bosses of the game both have you killing these characters who have been turned "crazy" by their bionic implants.

So not only do we have a pretty bad depiction of visible disabilities, we also have a super cool depiction of mental health as well, implying that using technology to better live with their disabilities is actually dangerous and risks insanity. Great.

Oh also, this game has by far the number of instances of the word "cripple" I've seen used in a long time. So there's that.

America, Fuck Yeah

So anyway, this vaguely Latin American country. It's led by a dictator named General Sabio, who is perhaps predictably heavily modelled after Fidel Castro. He's basically everything you'd expect - a tyrant, works his people to the bone for his own good, and has a military full of giant robots with extremely specific weaknesses that he rides around in.

Alas, Not-Castro ends up being an unwitting pawn in Brubaker's plan, who lies to him about the purpose of the whole scheme, and when confronted with the information that he's been duped by the main character, rather than come to his senses, he doubles down and decides he'd rather go down fighting. Truly a great showing for the game's only non-white character.

Women, What Are They Good For

Surprisingly, this game isn't colossally sexist... it's only kinda sexist. The only female character in the entire game is Jayne "Mag" Magdalene. She spends the vast majority of her time off-camera, only showing up at the very end in an injured state, telling the player to go on without her.

But! She's the only character in the game other than the player who survives the story. Bionic Commando Rearmed 2 is truly a champion of egalitarianism!

Granted, since this is a video game from 2011, she still gets to wear a skintight outfit with a low cut top, despite being in the military. So I guess a step forward, a step back?

Speaking of...

Sexual Assault is Funny Actually?

So yeah, this is a relatively small one, but let's get this one out of the way. The game's level select screen has a prison rape joke. No I could not make this up.

In Conclusion

Bionic Commando Rearmed 2 is obviously a product of its time. It's not a great game, and it's not one anyone cares about. I only played it because I like mediocre video games and apparently enjoy self-abuse.

But it really is shocking playing this game in a modern context just how incredibly dated it all feels. A total lack of sensitivity and maturity in its approach to its themes, and despite being a game about disabled people, it's pretty apparent the developer didn't do much to consult with the disabled community to see if they could maybe improve their language and depictions of people. I don't exactly expect high art from a game called Bionic fucking Commando, but come on.

I know the game's developer, Fatshark, is still around. I would be really curious how the people who worked on Rearmed 2 feel about it today.

[alpha-mag-media]

Freak ‘tornado’ rips through Irish home ‘like a train’ with family inside and causes ‘colossal’ amount of damage | 0K510G1 | 2024-01-04 08:08:02 | January 04, 2024 at 09:08AM

Freak ‘tornado’ rips through Irish home ‘like a train’ with family inside and causes ‘colossal’ amount of damage | 0K510G1 | 2024-01-04 08:08:02 Read More … Check full articles at Source: ALPHA MAG

[promotechindiasworld]

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[disco-elysium-via-polls]

UNLOCKABLE CHECKS

ENCYCLOPEDIA - [Formidable] Find the source of the Expresssion.

SUGGESTION - [Heroic] Ask Lilienne on a date.

INTERFACING - [Challenging] Fix the broken faucet in our hotel room, [Medium] Find a figurine in Roy’s store.

HAND/EYE COORDINATION - [Legendary] What kind of gun fired the bullet? MAXED

EQUIPPABLE THOUGHTS

MAGNESIUM-BASED LIFEFORM

Temporary bonus: -1 Shivers: No shakes

It is generally understood that human beings are carbon-based organisms, fusing little carbon tubes together to form complex, mushy structures capable of thought, love, and locomotion. It is also known that these structures sometimes like to “take the edge off” by consuming ethanol, amphetamine, etc. In such cases, it is important to supplement your body with magnesium. Tired? Mag it! Down? Mag time! Liver damage? MAXIMUM MAG! Some people say magnesium doesn’t really do anything and you just need to quit. What do we tell them?

DETECTIVE COSTEAU

Temporary bonus: -2 Conceptualization: An idiotic idea

Detective Raphaël Ambrosius Costeau – when you say it, it feels like you’re taking a bite of lemon meringue while sitting on the terrace of a seaside cafe. On a cool summer day. In Sur-La-Clef. It’s everything you’re *not*. You haven’t created many things during your stay in Martinaise, but you’ve created this. A fancy, sophisticated name that makes you sound intelligent. And that no one seems to *acknowledge*. Don’t you feel like you deserve a reward for coming up with something so special? And what would that reward *be*?

BRINGING OF THE LAW (LAW-JAW)

Temporary bonus: -1 Rhetoric: Weird jaw

Hey, so a little observation. It’s all cool, man. Don’t freak out, but every time you say “I am the law“ – and you say it *a lot*, it’s basically *hello* for you – your jaw does this *weird thing*. It sort of shifts sideways, hanging off your face at a jaunty angle, while the word *law* sounds oddly guttural and low. It’s… strange. You wouldn’t notice it, but after saying you’re the law eighty thousand times, the question *does* come up: why *do* you have Law Jaw?

DATE OF BIRTH GENERATOR

Temporary bonus: None

Your face looks like it’s 58 and your body feels like it’s 60. Your mind feels like it’s lived for one day or a hundred. Both longer than they ought to be, the day and the century…. But for how long, then, has this thing attached to your sentience walked the planet’s crust? Time to start racking those brains of yours, Elder One. When and where were you born?

ONE MORE DOOR

Temporary bonus: +1 Half-Light: What is behind it?

God dammit, it cannot be. A disgrace! That door on the coast… you remember the one, right? The one that leads to the abandoned supply depot? Why, in the name of all that’s holy, does it not open? *Why*?! There *has* to be a way to get through that unopenable door. By gods, you’re the police – all doors are supposed to open before you. What will the others at the precinct think if you can’t open a goddamn door? There must be a way.

COP OF THE APOCALYPSE

Temporary bonus: -1 Rhetoric: Rambling madman

You woke up in a hotel room and started rambling about the end of the world. It’s not your normal everyday doom-crying, either. Something truly colossal is approaching – the Gloaming. The Culling. The Bloodletting of Unimaginable Proportions. Until now you’ve been *pleasantly* vague about the precise nature of this cataclysm. No more! Put the Bloodletting on the burner and *really* figure out what’s threatening the fragile physical reality you just found yourself in.

ARNO VAN EYCK

Temporary bonus: +1 Interfacing

The question won’t leave you – why did the melody line from a broken and discarded tape fit perfectly into a song played by some speedfreaks in a frozen tent? Can it be a coincidence? Maybe it’s the hand of the Man-Machine himself, in his attempt to craft a perfect song. Maybe Egg Head is actually Arno van Eyck in disguise!? Eyck? Egg? Hmm…