#cohesive was a challenge so i hope everyone enjoys it i worked on it for like. 4 hrs kdbxkdjsbg

[vifilms]

i’m sick as fuck. ennalove, you’ve really outdone yourself with this one. the master of imagery, this solidified it. mel may have been the painter but you have illustrated this story so vividly with your strong affirmations of grace and love. the tone for this story beat the same with each word. all of it cohesive, every sentence tied to the next. truly, there’s never a time where i don’t enjoy your work.

seeing sevika painted in such a wonderful light, a soft light with comforting hues but you can still feel the rawness of everything and everyone she’s most. even if it is for the greater good and for the people of zaun, her home has changed — her life has changed. to show that struggle in the beginning, the push and pull of the tide, there’s the intertwine of canon into something even deeper. from an emotional standpoint, you seriously always knock sevika out of the park. i can hear her thoughts, i feel what she feels, her pain is as close to my heart as it is to hers. it’s intimate. i don’t think people understand how hard it is to execute that in writing. a numbing emotion can often feel thoughtless but there’s full intentionality in this and it’s felt in every word. the entire time i was reading this i just craved for more. the worlds you create in your work are stellar, sevika’s feelings don’t get lost in the shuffle and you can quite literally feel everything about them.

she’s wounded, hard but soft around the edges, she’s lost so much, and she’s ridiculed for things out of her control. the way your write sevika feels real and tangible. a woman who no longer has a home but has her heart beat for zaun and the cause she believes in even if she’s surrounded by people who don’t understand it. and they might never, and there’s heartbreaking tangibility in that feeling. it’s something all of us feel consistently. in some aspect, we can’t control circumstances out of our grip, all we can do is take our best foot forward.

…..but melvika.

the imagery and analogies between the stars and what they mean to each other? fucking amazing. how sevika says the stars is the only think she likes but then saying mel is the first person who is kind to her, the first person who appreciates her and the knowledge she has to offer. mel is sevika’s star and vice versa. maybe it’s just me but i’m just a sucker for people from completely different lives and coming together and all of it just works. it shouldn’t, it couldn’t, but somehow it does.

“yeah and there are so many of them, and it’s like every time you see them you’re seeing a completely different sky. and they’re cool because they only come out at night when they think nobody can see them, it’s like they’re shy. but i always see them because i’m always awake with them.” she rambles.

oh yes. this shit is so fucking good. the foreshadowing. always being present with one you love, and also — i always see them because i’m always with them — there’s so much weight in this line. there’s a thousand different ways it can be interpreted. personally it’s someone like sevika, being reserved, shy, or even cautious, not wanting to be seen or perceived because it’s never ended out well for yourself but when someone does for the first time, it’s the most beautiful thing to experience. what’s that saying? to be seen is to be loved. that’s what this little section screams to me. when someone loves you for the first time, not for a version of yourself you think you are or someone wants you to be, but they love you for you. it’s humbling, it aches, it’s more than overwhelming, but there’s nothing else like it in the world.

there’s true submission in love, and that’s where trust and partnership can blossom and grow, and that’s exactly how this fic made me feel. like there’s a blossom of hope on the other side of the tunnel. the people we love waiting on the other side for us. ready to restore a faith in humanity that we’ve lost.

always exquisite, enna. thank you for always challenging the way i write, making me see the craft in a different lense. it’s so hauntingly beautiful. as if a surgeon can suture a cracked heart back together just because they will it so. ennabear, your talent is always a pleasure to witness. i love your work so much. never stop, ever.

♡

✴︎ —PAINT THE AGES A HUNDRED SHADES OF GOLD ⊹₊⟡⋆

I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT LOVE ANYMORE ‘CAUSE IT’S GETTING TOO MUCH FOR ME …

cw: councilor!sevika x painter!mel, sevika is a lil sad and mean but she gets over it, sevika is also kind of a loser who can’t stop talking when she gets drunk, jinx and isha mentions because i’m evil and we know this, mel paints sevika nude, body worship, lots of comfort, oral sex, 18+

word count: 7.3k

it’s been months since sevika’s big move, and she fucking hates it to say the least.

all of these pilties are stuck up, even more than she remembers. which is a lot. she’s exhausted, she questions why she’s even a part of the council if all they do is ignore her. showing up every day and listening to them talk about her home and her people the way they do makes her sick.

they draft plans to raid the markets, shutting down anyone who isn’t licensed to be selling meat or rice or bread, but they refuse to let anyone get a license to sell those things. of course, she’s glad that she gets to eat three meals a day now, but with every bite she takes, she’s reminded of her home, and how starving they must be over there.

no matter how much she fights back, offers up a real plan that could make peace between the rivaling nations, they all just snicker and point fingers at her like she’s some sort of circus act.

and don’t ask her about how much she likes being called councilor sevika, because she doesn’t like it at all. she’s not a councilor, and maybe that’s a good thing, because it’s the last thing she’d ever wanna be.

still, she keeps her emotions under control. this is a huge opportunity to help get zaun on it’s feet and cut ties with piltover officially, she won’t spoil it by making a scene and giving up. no matter what, she’s gonna make an effort, even if it means being locked in a room with a group of rich pigs who’ve never felt that growing pit of hunger in their stomachs that make them so dizzy that they keel over on the streets.

that they die on the streets.

so yeah, it’s not easy, not even a little bit.

most of her nights are spent alone in her room. it’s nice, “small” compared to the rooms everyone else occupies, but still bigger than any house she’s ever seen in the undercity. it has large windows that let every bit of light in, but it’s still eerily dark at night compared to zaun.

in zaun, there are neon lights and buzzing street lamps that glow and flicker at every hour, so when it gets dark, the colorful lights bounce off of every inch of the city. you can see them in the reflections of the puddles, bright streaks of light flying up into the night from behind buildings and stretching until they’re out of sight.

here, in piltover, they have different kinds of lights. tiny, white holes in the sky called stars that shine when it gets dark. they have spotlights and statues and lanterns, but it gets lonely at night. everyone is at home, distancing from their friends and their jobs, getting sleep and resting up for whatever the next day will bring.

there isn’t really any rest in zaun, just a small wink of sleep whenever you catch it, and you’re up again. everyone’s grouchy and hungry and cold, but it makes for good shimmer sales, and the bar is a great place to find refuge when you need a break from it all.

so sevika sleeps with all of her lights on. an attempt to remind her of home— although her home doesn’t have a queen sized bed, fluffy pillows and soft blankets, lamps, alarm clocks, fireplaces, clean water on their nightstands, and stars that shine through their windows.

the stars might be her favorite part about piltover. probably the only good thing about piltover. she doesn’t really know what they are or what they do, but they’re nice to look at late at night when she can’t manage to sleep.

every time she finds herself staring up at them, she sends a prayer or two up to janna. always one for the people, a prayer that even though they pretend to hate each other, and there sure are a few goons who are ready to slit her throat for never paying them back, she hopes they’re okay.

she hopes that ran and theiram have got the bar under control, that vi and ekko manage to keep the chaos limited, and most of all, that jinx and isha are doing alright.

ever since silco died, her whole world was flipped upside down and shaken vigorously. who knew that someday she’d be missing jinx? but she does. she cries at night for the blue haired girl, praying for her safety and her happiness, hoping that she’s managed to keep some of her creativity after everything that went down.

and of course for the more tolerable blue haired kid, isha.

she prays that isha is still attached at the hip to jinx, that her fluffy hair gets dyed that awful bright blue color as often as she wants it to, that she’s found some way to communicate with the world while her voice is at rest.

she’s got no clue as to where they could be. one second, she’s wishing jinx would leave her alone. that she’d pack up her inventions and make a home for them far away from sevika’s life. the next second, they’re gone. no warning, no heads up whatsoever, just completely taken from her life.

but if she wishes to find any wisp of happiness, she’s gonna have to push these thoughts to the back of her mind, only letting them front when she’s alone and awake and accompanied by the stars. they’re the only things who understand her.

——

if you listen closely, you might be able to hear the sound of mel’s thoughts buzzing around in her mind.

the past few months have given her some intense whiplash, but things are finally starting to straighten out. her life isn’t exactly normal, but she’s growing used to her… new self.

she spends most of her time perched at her easel, painting the canvas in beautiful colors that fall over various people or places. it’s therapeutic for her, whatever image or question or anger she has lingering in her head, she can work it out with the paints. when she’s done, she lines them up in front of her.

it helps her see things more clearly, like a thought that can’t float away, frozen in time for her to analyze further. some of them are just plain colors. gold, with white, yellow, and bronze streaks, an attempt to recreate the swirls that are painted on her own body.

sometimes she paints her mother, her eyebrows lowered in a scowl and her silvery gray hair crowning her head. jayce and viktor occasionally make an appearance, both of their faces lost in thought as they stare at various equations and formulas that she can’t quite make out.

sometimes she just sees miscellaneous things, quick visions that she needs to bring to life. countless canvases are covered in black, with that dark red fog reaching into it like vines. there’s also the hextech that makes the occasional appearance, but she can’t quite get that bright, rich blue color right.

a few times before, she’s attempted portraits, but she doesn’t prefer them. lest has been one of her closest friends during all of this, she can sit and pose for hours while mel works away at her figure on the canvas. they’ve also tried painting together, but mel prefers her alone time.

she’s tried recreating the pictures from her memory, but it never comes out as well. she covers the canvas in thick paint, a bronze, brown, and white, making up jayce’s features. but she always clouds his face with shiny white webs, and those glistening, rainbow stars. the ones that stole him away.

while she sits, her body stays stagnant, eyes racing around the blank canvas. she mixes the colors in her head before she even opens the tubes, her eyes proportion it all for her, so she rarely makes sketches anymore.

recently, she’s been more interested in staying in and shutting out the world. the occasional knock rings out against her door, but she can’t be bothered to investigate. she doesn’t wanna give her opinions anymore, doesn’t wanna lead all of topside to peace and gas the streets of the undercity. really, she never signed up for that. sure, she’s ambessa’s daughter, but she doesn’t care to be a leader anymore. not when all it does is get people hurt and killed.

but apparently it’s urgent this time, because the knocking persists.

“um, mel?” a timid voice asks. “i hate to bother you, but the council requires yo—”

she flings the door open, clad in her white robe and slippers. her hood hangs halfway over her head as she glares at the man, but he insists on escorting her to the council meeting. her feet gently pad against the floor as she walks through the long halls, already dreading having to play referee for a group of adults who should know better.

but ambessa is gone now, and these people need someone to give them any sort of direction.

the dome shaped room welcomes her, and although she dreads being there, the sun shining through the stained glass is gorgeous. she spies a few familiar faces sitting in their respective seats, and notices some new ones who were added after the war.

“but they need the money!” one councilor booms, one of the newer ones who mel doesn’t quite recognize yet. “you can’t just cut their funds and raise the tax prices, they—”

“councilor sevika, please.” someone says, talking over her voice. “what possibly could they need more money for? our city needs to be rebuilt, and it’s them who’s caused all of this destruction.”

mel observes quietly, noticing the tears that fill sevika’s eyes. she makes an assumption that they’re either out of sadness, anger, or exhaustion, but she can’t quite tell. one thing she does know, though, is that it isn’t fair.

it’s not fair to just drag a zaunite up to topside and force her to be the only one representing her nation. especially when she has to be locked in a room full of people who hate her, who think she’s nothing more than just undercity trash to mock and make fun of.

mel’s surprised that sevika has held her ground for this long. if that were her, she’d want to pack up and leave within a day, especially when she notices the snorts and sideways glances that she gets every time she opens her mouth.

“have you even been down there?” sevika asks. “have you seen the bodies lying on the streets? have you heard the sobs of the starving children?”

they all look at her, unable to imagine what hunger even is, much less an entire nation overcome by it. shoola offers a sympathetic frown, but it’s not enough for sevika. she’s exhausted, and the thought of seeing her home even more impoverished is killing her. worst of all, word on the street is that zaunites are beginning to call her a traitor.

she wishes that they could see how hard she’s working, how much she’s fighting for them behind the scenes. but she can’t exactly blame them, it must be hard to watch every leader they’ve ever had either fail at leading them to sovereignty or turn their backs on the people. must be worse to watch someone who they thought was on their side disappear into the council and watch as things just keep getting worse and worse down there.

and this makes sevika feel horrible.

it’s hard for her not to blame herself for this, especially because that’s what she’s used to. her job for years was to be silco’s right hand, so it was constantly her fault if something went wrong. that’s just how things are. if things don’t go her way, it must be her fault for not working harder to overcome it.

“i agree.” mel says plainly. “councilor sevika has firsthand knowledge of what it’s like for them, why shouldn’t we trust her?”

sevika is taken aback at this. she’s never seen someone so… rich looking… be this understanding toward her. but although it’s the bare minimum, she appreciates it. she’ll take whatever form of kindness she can get right now.

the other councilors stare at mel like she’s just grown three heads. obviously, they’ve never been told no a day in their life. sevika is glad that she gets to be present for the first time. some of them sputter and growl, some of them roll their eyes, but sevika just sinks back into her chair and decides to let them argue it out.

“i agree too.” councilor shoola says. “it’s only fair… unless, any of you would like to go down there and experience it for yourselves? then you could tell us all about their excess of funds.”

sevika sighs in relief, thanking janna or the universe or whatever god decided to help her out. she can’t exactly smile, at least not yet, but she manages a tiny grin, and decides that maybe she shouldn’t feel too bad about herself just yet.

mel is glad that sevika and shoola have at least a little bit of brains, but she’s starting to rethink having all of the others on the council. maybe they need to fire some, or at least add some more zaunites to level the playing field. although, she now knows that sevika can put up one hell of a fight, so maybe she doesn’t need it.

but the clock strikes two in the afternoon, and the councilors file out to get on with their day until they meet again tomorrow. sevika hangs back, waiting for everyone to leave before she returns to her office. but mel hangs back too, determined to talk to sevika more, to get to know her.

sevika pulls her cape over her shoulders, completely covering her figure before she exits the room. mel perks up and shoots her a questioning look.

“yes?” sevika asks.

“you’re brave.” mel says.

“no i’m not. d’you think it’s brave of me to leave my people starving and helpless down there while i have a real home and three meals a day?”

mel just stares blankly at her. that isn’t what she meant at all, but at the same time, she’s completely right. as much as she still believes that sevika is brave for putting up with the councilors, she should be calling everyone else brave, everyone in zaun who goes days without food. sevika is the luckiest of them all.

“that’s not what i meant.” mel explains. “i meant that you’re better than them because you stand your ground instead of just getting everything you want. you work hard for what you earn.”

sevika shrugs. “i guess you could say that.”

“do you miss it down there?”

“what do you think?” sevika grunts.

“i’d bet that you do, you just try not to show it in front of anyone.”

“yes, because showing weakness gets you killed.”

“not up here, it doesn’t. you should open up a little, it might be good for you.” mel suggests.

“i’ll pass.”

“i could help you.”

“i don’t need—”

“let me help you.” mel says, reaching out to grab sevika’s hand.

“help me how?” sevika asks.

“open up to me. tell me about your life. friends, family, past, anything.”

“okay… maybe.”

“okay, good.”

——

sevika has never been great at opening up to anyone, but mel is… understanding. as much as she hates to talk about her struggles to other people, mel is probably the best possible person to talk to. mel marched herself down sevika’s hall to her door, banging on it until sevika sleepily presented herself. she marched sevika down the hall and through the building until they reached her own suite, and she fed sevika more and more wine until she started to talk to her.

it started with just a confession. sevika was wine drunk and admitted that yes, she did miss her home, and that she hated topside. and then mel pressed for more, made her tell her specifically who she missed and what she missed about them.

the list of people who she missed was never ending. at the top— jinx and isha. in all honesty, mel is shocked to learn that sevika had anyone that she really considered family, much less a daughter or a niece. but sevika tells her all about them, how isha would beg to paint her nails or dye her hair, and how jinx finally had a sister who she could play with, instead of just being too young to do anything.

but when mel asks where they’ve gone, sevika freezes. she doesn’t know, and it’s not something she prefers to think about. dead is something she’d heavily considered, but that ending makes her too sad. as long as she doesn’t know that they’re dead, they’re not. at least not in her world.

she tells mel that she hopes they’re somewhere safe, somewhere that they can have fun together. like floating on a cloud, or living in outer space with the stars. maybe they are with the stars, and that’s why she loves them so much.

“you like the stars?” mel asks.

“that’s the only thing actually worth liking about this place, i think…” sevika slurs drunkenly.

“hmm, i guess they are pretty, aren’t they.” mel ponders.

“yeah and there are so many of them, and it’s like every time you see them you’re seeing a completely different sky. and they’re cool because they only come out at night when they think nobody can see them, it’s like they’re shy. but i always see them because i’m always awake with them.” she rambles.

mel can’t help but giggle. again, everything she said is exactly right, but she’s never seen it that way. sevika offers her a fresh new perspective, one that makes her ponder how much she knows about the world.

“sorry…” sevika whispers, suddenly aware that she’s drunkenly blabbering and probably making a fool of herself. she tries to blink herself sober but it doesn’t work.

“no worries. i like them too.” mel soothes.

“i think i should go.”

“already?” mel asks.

“it’s gett’n late. i have places to be tomorrow…” sevika sighs. mel stands and walks her to the door, grabbing on gently to her human arm in an attempt to stabilize the woman. she offers a sweet smile to sevika as she leaves, even takes her hand in her own for a second and squeezes it tightly, but sevika just stares at the floor.

“mel?” she asks finally, although in a timid voice.

“yes?”

“thanks for sticking up for me. i don’t know what those pigs would get up to without people like me and you.”

mel’s heart warms at this. sevika is so drunk that she’s starting to get sappy and sweet, and while it’s adorable, it’s clear that she needs to get home. but she’s glad that her effort isn’t going unnoticed, and she’s starting to really like sevika.

“of course.” she smiles again. “get some sleep for me, okay? don’t spend too much time with the stars.”

sevika curses herself for the warm feeling that wraps herself all around her, she hates that she’s being vulnerable and making friends. she just blames the feeling on the alcohol, but she knows that it’s not. because that light, warm feeling clings itself to her every time she sees mel.

it happens again when they coincidentally cross paths, mel on her way outside for some fresh air and sevika on her way to her room to sign papers until her fingers bleed. but she realizes for the first time that mel is so beautiful. she hasn’t spotted sevika yet, but the sunlight glowing in from the windows catches her golden streaked skin perfectly, and she’s shining. it’s like she’s a real life star, and sevika can’t peel her eyes away.

“oh, hi sevika.” mel grins.

“um… hi.” she responds, her heart suddenly beating faster than usual. “where are you going?”

“just outside. been cramped up inside all day and the smell of my paints are starting to give me a headache.”

“you paint?” sevika asks, although to anyone else the answer would be obvious.

“yeah, all the time. i’d love to show you someday.” she offers, already knowing that she’s gonna have to drag sevika by the arm and force her to visit.

“okay… yeah, that would be nice.” she says.

“what are you doing right now?” mel asks.

“i just have a lot of paperwork to fill out, letters to write, things to sign, you know how it is.”

“will you stop by later, then?”

“are you gonna make me?”

“probably. if you don’t show up by yourself.”

“alright, see you later then.”

——

sevika is dreading this outing. the more times she thinks about going back over to mel’s, the more anxious she gets. every time she’s been over there the past month, she’s ended up either drunk or blabbering on about stuff that doesn’t matter. or worse— drunk and blabbering. she always finds some way to make a fool of herself, and she doesn’t know how to stop. she just wishes it wasn’t so easy to open up to her, wishes that mel wasn’t so damn likable.

mel already knows she’s gonna have to drag sevika over to come look at her paintings. she always does. no matter how many times she tells the woman to come on her own terms, she finds herself stomping down to sevika’s door and forcing her to hang out. it’s cute, in mel’s mind, it’s like a date. so that’s what she finds herself doing tonight. cleaning up her suite a little, spinning one of her jazz records, and marching down to collect sevika.

she’s arranged her paintings in no particular order, but the array is beautiful. some are framed, some are smaller than others, some of them aren’t even finished. sevika feels so moved by this. she’s never seen anything so beautiful. not anything in real life, not mel herself, not even the stars are as beautiful as her paintings.

mel sits her down on the loveseat, pouring two glasses of wine and sitting down next to sevika, but sevika begs her to talk about her paintings. she’s dying to know how anyone could make anything look more beautiful than the stars. mel blushes at that compliment— it’s a lot coming from sevika for multiple reasons— but she decides that now it’s her turn to open up.

they sit an chat for hours, and before long, sevika feels as if she knows mel like the back of her hand. she now knows about jayce and viktor and what happened to them, about ambessa, her mother, the noxians, and the rest of her family. sevika’s oddly surprised. of course, she’s aware that mel is probably the strongest woman she knows, but she never would’ve guessed that she’s been through that much.

mel cries a bit, and sevika cries too, and they laugh about their emotions like old friends. for once in her life, sevika feels like maybe not everything sucks, and that maybe it’s okay to let herself fall for someone. she just hopes that mel feels the same way.

“sevika?” mel asks, still catching her breath after a fit of giggles.

“yeah?” she smiles.

“will you dance with me?”

“i don’t dance.” sevika says, laughing at the image of her dancing with someone. how silly.

“aww, come on! it’s just us and some jazz! you’ll be fine.” she reasons. “please?”

sevika rolls her eyes at mel’s outstretched hand, but she’s very tipsy and in a good mood, so how could she say no to the beautiful woman standing in front of her?

mel yanks her up by her arm, and sevika wastes no time following after her to the middle of the room where the big sky lights let the stars shine in. sevika scowls and tenses up a bit, but mel wraps her arms around sevika’s waist so gently, guiding sevika’s arm to press against her back. mel sways them back and forth a bit, and sevika soon loosens up and stares down at mel with a smile that puts all of the stars to shame.

“do you ever miss your arm?” mel asks.

“yeah, sometimes. i miss the one jinx made for me, i wish i didn’t take it for granted.” she responds, her mood quickly turning sad against her will.

“i could have one made for you.” mel offers.

sevika shakes her head and flattens her lips into a straight line. “they won’t let me have one on the council.”

it’s mel’s turn to roll her eyes now. “no, i’ll make you one that they’ll accept. they always listen to me, you know.” she grins.

“i guess that would be alright, as long as it’s not much of a hassle.”

“for you? nothing’s a hassle. don’t be silly.”

sevika’s eyebrows pull together in the middle and she pouts, tears quickly filling her eyes. nobody’s ever been this nice to her before. offering her a new limb, protection from the ruthless comments from the council, good wine, and a dance underneath the stars. she can’t help but cry, but she’s not afraid to anymore. with mel, she feels safe enough to be this vulnerable.

mel notices her sad expression, and she silently prays that she didn’t accidentally offend sevika, it’s the last thing she’d ever wanna do. “oh, what’s wrong? did i—”

sevika cuts her off with a kiss. she doesn’t wanna hear any apologies from mel, not after she’s been a literal angel to sevika this past week. mel’s lips are warm and welcoming, they taste sweet, like if gold was a flavor. she reaches her hands up and cradles the back of mel’s head, deepening the kiss.

mel is completely taken aback by this. she didn’t know that sevika had feelings for her. actually, she thought that sevika was sick of her. but she kisses sevika back, her lips are big and pouty and oh so soft. she also gets to feel sevika’s piercing up close, and the cold metal drags against the bottom of her lips ever so slightly. it’s a stark contrast, but a comforting one at that.

one thing leads to another, and they’re quickly back on the loveseat, lapping at each others tongues and giggling like kids and holding hands. sevika’s had tons of sex before, sure, but nothing comes close to this. she feels so special, so cared for, that she notices this strange, giddy feeling bubbling up in her chest.

little does she know, that feeling is called love.

she pins mel down to the seat, both of them breathless and high on this mysterious feeling— although it definitely has something to do with the liquor— and sevika almost cries again when mel spreads her legs beneath her white gown. the warm lamplight mixed with the starlight causes her to glow again, like she’s on fire, so sevika can’t help but kiss all over the gold patterns that paint her skin.

mel erupts into another fit of giggles, holding sevika’s shocked face in her hands. sevika tenses up slightly at her touch, but takes a deep breath and swallows all of her anxiety.

“can i?” sevika asks.

mel smiles and nods. “of course. you can do whatever you want to me.”

sevika shudders and reaches up mel’s dress, caressing her stomach and hips. mel is soft and malleable under her touch, and she’s golden. she reaches forward to tug her dress above her hips. sevika doesn’t think she’s ever seen such a beautiful sight, and mel absolutely adores sevika’s awestruck face.

the same golden markings that paint her face also trail down her abdomen, all the way to her ankles. there are thick streaks of gold that mirror each other on each side of her torso, twisting themselves into swirls and shapes. she also has small golden freckles littering her body, identical to the ones on her face. they look like stars.

best of all, as if sevika wasn’t already turned on enough, she has small, golden hairs that trail down from just beneath her belly button, only stopping when they crown her dripping hole. this woman is made of pure magic, and if sevika doesn’t get her mouth on her within the next millisecond, she thinks she might faint.

mel grabs sevika’s hand when she notices her hesitation, and this makes her snap back into the moment and start eating mel out. she starts slow, just some teasing, soft licks to her clit that make her shiver. mel moans so sweetly and beautifully and sevika feels like she’s floating.

sevika grips mel’s hand harder and harder as she keeps eating her out, and it’s times like these that she wishes she has two hands. one to hold mel’s with, and one to feel inside of her, pumping her full of her thick fingers. mel arches her back and thrusts up into sevika’s face, and they both nearly cum on the spot.

she pulls back for a second, a string of white slick connecting itself to sevika’s lips before dripping down her chin.

“sev, you’re doing so good, baby.” mel praises. “don’t stop, i’m so close.”

sevika speeds up her movements, determined to make mel cum. her big, silver eyes squeeze shut as her mouth works it’s magic, sucking on her clit and running her pointed tongue between mel’s folds to collect her slick.

but she doesn’t cum until sevika wraps her lips around her clit again, her piercing colliding with mel’s throbbing clit as she tips over the edge. a low whine is pulled from her throat, and sevika pulls back to admire the woman above her. mel yanks sevika up by her shirt, thanking her with a deep kiss. some of sevika’s lipstick is smudged, so mel wipes it off with her thumbs, as well as the wet slick that’s smeared all over her face.

sevika is suddenly very aware that she doesn’t need shimmer anymore, because she feels like mel’s sweet nectar is enough to get her high.

“i’m gonna need that new arm as soon as you can get it.” sevika says with her lips smashed against mel’s. “need to show you what else i can do.”

——

it’s been three weeks since then, and sevika’s been coming over every night. she still has lots of work to do, but mel helps her with all of it. they sort through tall stacks of paperwork, taking turns sitting on the others lap and pouring each other more wine. sometimes they get distracted with sex, but they try their hardest to stay focused. occasionally mel will bring out her paints and work on something new, forcing sevika to stay focused while she’s at work.

they also spend their mornings together. if they don’t wake up in the other’s arms, they’ll sleepily march down to their door and bang on it until they reunite and hold each other again.

but this morning, sevika wakes up in mel’s bed alone. she reaches out for the woman with her arm, but that side of the bed is just cold and empty. sitting up, she glances around the room until she spies mel in her silky white cloak painting on the balcony.

“mel?” she asks groggily. “why’re you up so early?”

“just had to finish something, love.” she responds, smiling at her girlfriend’s half awake state. “you can go back to sleep if you’d like.”

“can i at least see what you’re working on?”

“not yet.” she smiles. “it’s a surprise.”

sevika groans and turns around to go back inside, but mel catches her arm and yanks her back for a kiss. sevika kisses over each of mel’s golden freckles, and then her lips, then her nose, her forehead, chin, and then lips again, before returning inside. mel giggles and tries to swat sevika’s back before she gets away, but she’s too slow and the effort is wasted.

back inside, sevika grabs onto mel’s pillow and stuffs her face into it, bringing a familiar comfort that lulls her back to sleep. she’s shaken awake a few hours later, though. it’s mel, very gently rattling sevika’s shoulder while caressing her hair. “sevika, babe, wake up.” she whispers.

“mmmmh?”

“i have a present for you.”

“hmmmm?”

“wake up so you can open it.”

“ughhhhh.”

“oh, please. don’t be so pouty. i want you to see it! quickly, quickly!” she urges, yanking sevika back to the balcony. the sun is slightly higher in the sky now, some of the orange in the sky is still fading away but the sky is painted in a light yellow color, it matches mel a little bit.

she hands her a giant white box with mel’s name on it, a small golden bow sitting directly on the top. “what is this?” sevika asks.

“open it and see!” mel smiles.

so she does. she flips the lock on the box and pulls it open, a smooth, golden arm staring back at her.

“what is this?” sevika asks again, this time in disbelief. she couldn’t tell how serious mel was about acquiring a new arm for her, so she didn’t think she’d be receiving a new one this quickly, or one this pretty.

it’s a lot more modern compared to her other two arms that she’s had in the past. it has a matte gold casing all around it, with shimmery gold patterns that resemble mel’s carved into it. it has all five fingers, but they’re not as pointy, more resembling her human fingers than her past arms. sevika is overcome with emotions, and she turns around to pull mel in for a hug, hiding her tears on her shoulder.

“do you like it?” mel asks.

“i love it.”

“will you teach me how to put it on you?”

“of course.” sevika promises, and with that, mel tugs her inside and makes her sit and show her. it takes a bit of fumbling. sevika isn’t great at explaining things, but she also can’t do much with only one arm, so lots of trial and error occurs during the process. but eventually it’s all screwed in, and the first thing sevika does is pull mel in for a real hug.

mel never really realized how strong sevika is, and how crushing her hugs are. at least, not until now. she knows that sevika can hold her somewhat tightly, but one arm doesn’t do much. now that she as two arms though, mel is struggling to breathe with the way sevika is crushing her. or maybe it’s just because sevika wants to show her girlfriend some love. and she’s definitely not crying.

“i have one more thing.” mel says, although most of it gets muffled by sevika’s chest.

“what is it?” she asks.

“come outside and look.”

sevika follows her outside, grabbing onto mel’s elbow with her new hand.

“close your eyes.” mel says, so sevika squeezes her eyes shut and tries her hardest not to peek. mel dashes over to retrieve the painting on her canvas that’s now fully dry, and then she holds it to face sevika.

“okay, now open them.”

she opens her eyes to see mel holding one of her new paintings— the one she wasn’t allowed to see yet. but now she’s aware of why she wasn’t allowed to see it, because the painting is of her.

it’s sevika. hunched over at mel’s desk with her reading glasses on and a pen in her hand, a glass of wine half empty on the table next to her. the colors in the painting are very warm, likely resembling the warm lamps that decorate mel’s suite. and the most surprising thing— there’s a smile on sevika’s face.

it’s not something she’s ever seen on herself before. for one, she’s never been one to smile in general, it’s just not something she was ever used to doing. photographs are also very rare in zaun, so the only way she could’ve seen it on herself is by smiling in front of a mirror, which is even more rare.

sevika doesn’t even know how to feel. she should cry, because nobody has ever been this kind to her before, and she’s overwhelmed with emotions from the arm, the painting, and just being around mel.

she should also be happy. nobody has ever understood her as much as mel does, and she feels so honored to be seen in her artistic lense. she should be glad that she gets to live up here, where everything is safe and pretty and valuable. she’s also still half asleep, and can’t exactly tell if she’s dreaming or not.

“what do you think?” mel asks after a while.

“i don’t know what i did to deserve this.” sevika says honestly. “is there some kind of special occasion that i don’t know about? or are you just spoiling me.”

“well, mostly the latter,” mel laughs. “but it is our one month anniversary, if that counts for anything.”

“i didn’t get you anything.” sevika frowns, suddenly feeling way out of mel’s league, almost insecure.

“that’s alright.” mel smiles. “your presence is enough.”

sevika rolls her eyes and manages a smile too, yanking mel forward and giving her a sweet kiss. one month isn’t much, but it’s been the happiest month of sevika’s life, and things are starting to look up for her. for zaun, too.

“well,” mel starts, pulling away from sevika’s lips. “there is one small thing you could do for me.”

“and that is…?”

“model for me so i can paint you?” she asks with a happy shrug of her shoulders.

“now? but you just painted me.”

“yes, i’m aware.” she laughs. “but i haven’t painted your new arm yet, and that was from a few days ago but you just look so adorable today. please?”

sevika smiles too. how could she say no to mel when she asks so nicely? “alright, fine.” she agrees.

“good, and take all of your clothes off, too.”

sevika freezes. although mel has seen her naked hundreds of times, she suddenly feels shy.

“don’t worry, it’s just for us.” mel soothes. “lay on the bed and i’ll position you.”

so sevika is left no choice but to follow the orders she was given. she strips herself of her clothes— which is much easier now that she has two arms— and lays down on the bed, looking up at mel with her big, watery eyes. mel walks over and pushes her backward until she’s propped up with just one elbow.

“is this comfortable?” mel asks.

“uh… y-yeah.” sevika responds.

mel pries sevika’s legs open, positioning them apart so that she has a full view of sevika’s dripping cunt from her easel. sevika whimpers, her eyes widening and sparkling as she looks up at mel.

“don’t be shy.” mel teases. “it’s just me.”

“i know, sorry…” sevika says with a sigh, making a mental note to loosen up.

“are you ready for me to start? we’re probably gonna be here all day.”

“yeah. ready.” sevika responds.

“okay, let me know if you need a break.”

mel isn’t too fond of painting from models, but she can feel her opinion changing as she sculpts sevika with the paint. her legs are easy. long and thick, and she gets to mimic the way they’re pressed open.

her torso is next, which is one of her favorite things about sevika. her abs are hard and sturdy, but they get slightly softened out by the rolls of her stomach. then mel moves up to her tits, painting two perfectly pointed brown circles accented with thick, dark nipples.

her neck comes after, and then her arms, and finally her face. mel has memorized every little expression sevika has, so she has a lot to choose from, but she chooses the one that sevika is wearing right now. a goofy, lovestruck smile, adorned with a slight blush sparkling on her cheeks.

her eyes are also fun, they’re so big and sparkly and metallic, mel can’t help but paint stars in them. and of course, her nose, her tooth gap, her piercing, and her hair. they all come together to make up the most perfect face that mel has ever seen.

she moves on to the arms next, painting one with her thick muscles and her warm brown skin, and the other with a shiny gold. her shoulders are slightly slanted, and they have bite marks and hickeys carved into them, which makes mel immensely proud of herself.

and finally, sevika’s glistening cunt. she paints each fold tenderly, a small circle at the top covered slightly by a thin, fleshy hood. she paints the slick in between her thighs that just keeps collecting with her finest white and silver paints.

and of course, her bush, because she wouldn’t dare to forget it. she curls each stroke of her brush until it perfectly mirrors sevika’s thick, dark curls, and then she trails them all the way up her lower stomach.

she finishes the background next, but it’s not much. she doesn’t want anything to take away from sevika’s beauty. but she makes sure to add a few stars surrounding her of various sizes and shades of gold.

sevika has been surprisingly patient throughout the whole thing, mel predicted that she’d be begging for snacks only ten minutes in. but mel finishes quickly and she’s beaming with excitement as soon as she’s done.

“do you wanna see it?” she asks.

“you’re done already?” sevika replies.

“yeah. you’re an easy model.”

“okay, yeah, let me see.” sevika smiles.

mel lifts up the canvas and presents it to sevika, and it’s somehow even more beautiful than the other painting. mel captures her so beautifully, sevika is so honored to be viewed that way. for the first time in her life, she truly feels beautiful. and mel can tell that she feels that way too, through the tears that threaten to spill in her eyes.

and just as sevika is about to tackle mel to the bed too, she notices something in the bottom corner. in a shimmery gold writing, the words “my star. -mel m.” are painted. sevika looks up at mel with a questioning glance and asks, “what’s that?”

“it’s my signature. the title of the painting and my name.”

“‘my star’?” sevika reads off.

“yeah, because that’s what you are. you’re my star, sevika. you’re so beautiful and bright.”

and those words echo in sevika’s mind for the rest of time, especially when sevika pins mel down and rides her face into the pillow a few seconds later. she’s right. she is mel’s star, isn’t she.

[possession1981-moving]

EXO Electric Kiss (2018) for @userseokkie

[batbigbang]

Bat Big Bang: What Would You Trade The Pain For? (I’m Not Sure)

Author: @disniq Artist(s): @chipmunkery

Rating: Explicit Ao3 Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationship(s): Jason Todd/Bruce Wayne Key Characters: Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne, Batfamily Members, Background Canon Characters Summary: Jason has been doing an outstanding job of not thinking about Bruce in the four months since Roy pulled his ass out of Gotham. When Jason gets hit by an unidentified beam and starts reliving his worst Bruce-related memories in his dreams, though, there’s not a whole lot he can do about it except maybe vent some frustrations. Or; the universe conspires to put Jason and Bruce in a get-along shirt. It only deteriorates from there. Word Count: 65,560

Author’s Notes: I’m so excited to finally share this beast after 10 months for work! It was, at the time of writing, my first time writing BruJay, my first attempt at writing Bruce’s POV, and my first alternating POV fic! It’s also my longest finished fic ever, and my first time writing a complete multichapter story before posting, and I absolutely couldn’t have done it without incredible support and enthusiastic encouragement from BenBamboozled and MarsupialMenace! Love you guys!! Thanks for listening to me lose my mind to this fic for the past few months xD A huge thank you, too, to my wonderful artist Chipmunkery! They did such a fantastic job of pulling these scenes from my head, and I am still a little in awe of their work. And thank you to the mods for running this inclusive event, and pushing me wayyyy out of my comfort zone! It’s been a ride, I hope you guys enjoy it!

Artist’s Notes: Disniq's imagery is so vivid and beautiful! I was so excited to take all of the details they weaved into their writing and translate them visually. I decided to focus on two emotionally charged scenes that were at very different points in Bruce and Jason’s relationship and emphasize the changes by pushing the juxtaposition in any way I could (lighting, mood, orientation, etc.) It was a fun challenge to create two pieces that are so different thematically, but still work together cohesively. This is my first big bang and I had so much fun that I definitely plan on doing more in the future. There are so many incredibly skilled writers and artists who worked on this project and everyone involved has been so nice and really supportive of each other. Big and special thanks to Disniq for being such a great partner to work with, and to the mod team for all of the hard work that went into making this happen. You’re all amazing! <3

READ ON AO3

[walleeli]

Matchup exchange with @lumiambrose

This was so incredibly fun to put together! I've never done one of these before so thank you for being willing to take a chance on me LOL Hope you enjoy!! <3

I match you with… Mr. Reca

Hear me out! (my reasoning)

I think the piqued interest/mutual fascination loop you two could have would go crazy. Freak matching but specifically for behavior observation. Am I making any sense at all. 

It takes a special type of person or a special type of situation to break through your more antisocial nature, both of which you can and WILL encounter with Mr. Reca.

I think that Reca is able to have his interest piqued by anyone. He is inherently interested in others in a way you are not inclined to be. A necessary aspect to get through your barriers. Given that it is unlikely for you to take the first step in engaging. 

The banter. The banter. Please consider the banter. Unstoppable force vs immovable object. Why is the collegiate national debate tournament happening between takes of this fantasy romance film? Everyone is confused and a little bit intimidated and no one is doing anything to stop it.

Aesthetically, visually, I think this matchup slays. The type of couple that walks into a room and everyone present thinks "that makes sense." It's cohesive, polished. The vibe is SO dark and brooding. Casually off putting in a very purposeful way. No one is gonna be bothering the pair of you offhandedly. 

I think you have really similar stances on people as a whole-or the observation of them, rather-though the reasoning and manifestation of these views may differ. Yours is an analytical approach for the sake of analysis. While his is, of course, analysis specifically in the service of his art. 

Reca's energy gives you something to match, and helps sustain the previously mentioned interest feedback loop. Reca is looking for talent everywhere, your love of performance and ability to get inspired and motivated in bursts enchants and bewitches. 

This dynamic isn't exactly opposites attract or great minds thinking alike… You know how when you try to press two magnets with the same charge together they repel each other? It's kinda like that. You butt heads, you both have strong opinions, strong personalities. Your ever spinning magnetic poles are always fluctuating between attraction and repulsion. The balancing act of it, the challenge, is what keeps it interesting for the both of you. 

There is something about Reca that pushes you to action. Whether that is inspiration or competition, fascination or irritation, you're still trying to work out.

You're in for a fun time and a headache. Inspired to previously unheard of heights in any creative endeavors. You're gonna be forced to reckon with aspects of yourself you'd otherwise prefer to ignore. What a weird guy will do to a mf.

Headcanons - How It Starts

You meet on set. How you end up there doesn't really matter-maybe you owed someone a favor, maybe you got bored, maybe you just stumbled onto filming by chance-the point is, that's how it starts. 

Reca gives you a stage direction and you do the opposite. It changes the entire course of the scene being filmed. (Life is Strange style "this action will have consequences" pop up.) UnFortunately for you, he loves it. You've brought something out of his actors, out of the scene, that he hadn't anticipated. So now, you have a problem. And it has youtube play button eyes. 

Getting you to agree to be a continued subject in his films is an uphill battle. When presented with the opportunity to exert extra effort or remain in bed well, your choice comes as easy as closing your eyes. 

But he is patient. And observant. And when he sets his mind on something he is not easily deterred. 

The sudden and intense interest strikes you as absurd. The idea of getting so invested in someone over so little is so distant from your approach to other people that it really throws you. Looking at the situation as if an outsider-and even as the target of his interest, you do still feel something of an outsider. A practiced and easy detachment on your end. An endless pause for contemplation, consideration, observation-you wonder at the sincerity of it, and the depth. It seems risky, to you, to devote so much energy to something so uncertain. 

A lingering curiosity is what leads you to seek him out. Or, barring that, keeps you from pushing him away in his myriad attempts to win your favor.

You don't offer information about yourself so much as you don't care to hide much, seeing it as an unnecessary effort. The more he learns about you the more he wants to learn. You navigate the world so differently, devoting your time and energy to things he has left largely unexplored. In seeing the world through and with you he feels he has the potential to create more magnificent, more deeply real, pieces of art.

As more of what you love, more of who you are, is revealed to him he finds himself (totally by coincidence, of course) putting together a new film. If it, coincidentally, caters to a great few of your interests then well, isn't that funny.

Upon pitching it to you. (Over a dinner you only grudgingly agreed to, with the promise of a favorite food.) He doesn't even get the chance to offer you a role. You tell him you're going to be in it. And you're going to be the lead. 

The desired effect has been achieved, you are finally on board. You don't miss his sly smile but you don't take it to mean anything beyond his usual film fanaticism. 

You are determined to do well, excited to perform and invested in the material. The perfect cocktail to pull you out of yourself and your usual patterns of behavior. You start to fall into a new rhythm. Reca's rhythm. 

That isn't to say the exchange isn't equal. As you grow closer he comes to understand your habits, your need and desire for rest and leisure. Filming happens at your whim. It is rare for him to take to lounging with you, but he has plenty of other projects to distract himself with while you laze about.

It is not difficult for him to fall into step with your cycles of dependent and independent behavior, knowing when to step in and push and when to step back and leave you to your devices.

And none of that is to say that things ever go smoothly for long. It is something you quickly discover to be impossible between the two of you. 

Upon devoting yourself to working at his side it doesn't take you very long at all to figure out that he gives very little away. That he is difficult to read and the motivations behind his behaviors and actions are always deeply unclear to you. This, obviously, cannot stand. 

Secretly, you set yourself on a mission to figure out what his deal is. This is what damns you. You have entered each other's orbit and the pull will not be easily escaped by either of you. 

Headcanons - Assorted

You find yourself almost subconsciously drawing up concept posters, promotional images, character costume designs, sets and the like. 

Your attachment and interest in Reca could be easily measured by anyone who got ahold of your sketches. Earlier pages marked by torn out pieces of paper and aggressively erased or scribbled out sections. Images left less and less disturbed until eventually Reca's presence in your sketches is so common it can almost be ignored. Drawing him an unavoidable facet of being drawn to him. A physical representation of your efforts to make sense of him.

In the early days of you two getting to know each other you spend more time arguing than not. Opinions both strong and frequently unaligned. He is also one to notice you don't take well to the unexpected, and will take it upon himself to test that. Never in any large or meaningful way, but certainly enough for you to notice. When you confront him he will be very quick to bring up that you are just as interested in seeing what makes people tick, to which you have little reply in the moment. But trust that within the day he will be getting a letter passed his way expressing your distaste in his methods and the exact and myriad ways you are not similar in the slightest. 

He keeps a collection of your evaluations and observations (read: scathing critiques) in the back of a filing cabinet in his office.

I discussed briefly how your interests expose him to new perspectives and ideas and want to further explore that. His single minded focus on film has left many of the other arts largely unexplored by him. Your interest in reading and particularly in gaming expose him to new modes of expression and communication of ideas that elevate his work.

And more than that, the ways you interact with and respond to what you read or play inspire and fascinate him. You are by far his favorite actor to observe. 

In the rare moment he is still he is sat with you, watching you play or listening to you read. 

You run the absolute shit out of a press junket, organizing and speaking are strong suits of yours and it serves the press for any film you choose to involve yourself with so well.

I am uncertain if his robotic frog assistant director was made by him, for him, or found. But regardless of how it comes to be, he is quick to get you an assistant director of your own, a mechanical duck. He would tell you that it is more than an alarm clock, but you have your doubts. More often than not you find it's quacking reminders and wake up calls to be nothing but an irritation, but if the little nuisance starts to grow on you, that's nobody's business but your own. 

Headcanons - How It's Going

Physical contact, and later affection, was uncommon at the start of your relationship. With yourself being slow to warm and him caught up in his place on the outskirts, an observer not taking part in the scene. There is still a tentativeness to physicality between the two of you now, generally. The caution and gentleness that always comes with something new accompanied by a desire to stay curious. Your story is a slow burn, and there is plenty of film left in the camera roll. There's a sense of comfort in that certainty, a security you have longed for and that Reca is discovering for the first time. 

It's a slow start, and an even slower process, but eventually something clicks into place, a lens over the camera making everything crystal clear. It is something you amount to an accident more than anything else. A relationship you fell into without really realizing until your lives were so intertwined that you would find it difficult to separate them. You trust each other intrinsically, value each other's perspectives and opinions, respect each other enough to talk any miscommunication or dissatisfaction out (after you are done snarking about it, maybe, but isn't that part of the fun?). 

You find yourself almost as wrapped up in his work as he is, finally able to see his vision and willing to devote yourself to it. He finds himself for once willing to step back, slow down, and engage with the present as a moment he lives in and not only as one he observes. The world opens itself anew for the both of you.

Playlist - Film Critic (yes. I'm giving you a ship name. I do not CARE if it is cringe.)

Valentine (What's It Gonna Be) by Rina Sawayama

Girl On Your TV by twst

Egoist by Jenna Holiday

Dinner & Diatribes by Hozier

Homemade Dynamite by Lorde

This is the part where I say take what resonates and leave the rest. I'm sure there are places where I have misrepresented you just from having obvious limited perspective of you but I hope that if nothing else you were entertained reading through!

[ffssinternship]

Metadata, Lectures, and More

This week was a busy one! I began my week by making a spreadsheet of abbreviations for our sources. Everyone working on the project has a different way of saving the sources, which has added confusion to the mix. I volunteered to make a list of all the main types of sources we use and create abbreviations for them. This list will eventually be shared with students so they know what each of the abbreviations mean, but at least we will have a more cohesive and universal system.

I also began working on the metadata for Sherman Knights. Initially, I thought it would be easy. Take the information already available, plug it into the template, and be done. What I quickly realized was finding the correct and accurate information to put in the template was more challenging that expected. I used a couple examples already published to RICHES as reference to help. I think the hardest part was writing the description. Not only did I have to describe the document itself, but I also provided background on the veteran tied to it. Luckily, Geoff told me I could copy and paste the veteran paragraph across the two documents. I really enjoyed doing the metadata. It forced me to examine the sources more closely and pick up on smaller details I otherwise would not have noticed.

Finally, on Thursday, I presented in Dr. Lyons’ class. We discussed why mapping out veterans movements was important, how it could help them in their project, and how to do it on Google Maps. Setting up the map is the hardest part. I made sure to walk through every step and discuss the different ways they could make their map. Brett and Cole also made maps. I liked that each of ours was different. Brett’s included descriptions and dates for every location he pinned. He used lines to connect the dots rather than directions. Cole also added descriptions, but he did multiple separate directions. This made it easier to see the exact mileage between two points rather than overall distance traveled. I included directions and pinned locations in my map, changed the colors of the markers, and used multiple layers to demonstrate important ideas. I think this gave the students a really good idea of all the options available to them. After we presented, we walked around and helped anyone who needed it. Most seemed to understand how to use Google Maps, as it is a very intuitive software, but had questions about certain locations on the sources they had. Because mapping is just supposed to give a general idea of the areas their veteran lived or served through, using the closest location worked as well. Overall, I loved the experience. Sharing my knowledge and explaining how to apply it was really fulfilling. I hope I get more opportunities like this in the future.

[break-the-chains]

Writing prompt: Lust

6/21/15

My name is John, and I am a humble man. I define myself by what I have rather than what I don't. I have love, stability, and an appreciation of society. I have gentle parents, a consistent job, and good health. I want for nothing.

I have challenges just like everyone else, but they don't redirect me far from my path. I am able to maintain myself and my relations to others. I am not violent, nor am I a victim. I need this to be known. 

I am not broken.

6/26/15

I know that society is a result of the hard work & effort (whether willful or not) of the ones that came before. Because I know this, I choose to respect this gift. I bear the byproducts of this cohesion. 

One byproduct includes tolerating those who do not respect that peace. Phil, my coworker, is one of those people. 

He seems insistent on spouting out his disdain for those that hold up the structure of governance. He believes that greed is the driving factor of their decisions. He has no idea how ignorant he sounds. 

Does he not know of disease? Does he not know of flash floods? Does he not know of moral depravity? He has no idea of the dangers he is protected from by the very people he looks down on. 

I tolerate this man because it is my part to play. 

6/30/15

It took 30 miles and a gift of liquor to do what must be done. Nobody saw my license plate. Yet another hollow victory.

7/1/15

The home owner's association I moderate saw me come home last night. Dorothy is trusting. I'm not worried about Samuel, either. I know what goes on in his gardening shed. Veronica will be the one to cause problems, if any of them are feeling more superior than they deserve.

I have not found anything on her. I have time. 

7/2/15

Today, I saw a glimmer of what I have been waiting for. Ever since this started, I have been unsatisfied with my clients. Their responses have ranged from immature to licentious. They must have been raised in broken homes. It disgusts me. 

But today brought me hope. She is new. It seems like this is her first source of employment. She has that element of which I cannot describe, but I know is exactly what I need. Her parents are studious, if a bit distant. She has no siblings. She seems to stay indoors. She is, for all intents and purposes, a model young woman. In another lifetime, she would be a good future wife.

Of course, I am not looking for a wife. That is the one pillar of society I have failed. I accept that failure and I atone for it every time I go for a trip. God knows my intentions. I will surely receive divine punishment before I am allowed to rest in peace, but God also knows how devoted I am to his image. 

7/4/15

My job is integral to the order of our neighborhood. I do not always enjoy the day-to-day tasks that it brings, but I am immeasurably grateful for the opportunities it gives me. 

I discovered that Veronica divorced multiple men. She had two sons out of wedlock, and they don't seem to be in contact with her. She lives off of alimony, and that's why she can spend so much time sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. I am not surprised. She is a foul woman. No self-respecting man would keep her in his house.

I'm not sure yet how I will use this, but it's a great start. God smiled upon me today.

7/6/15

I am trying to be patient, but it's beginning to strain me.

I want to give the Lord what he wants. What I want. Unfortunately, a bottle of spirits won't get me through this one. I must be fastidious. 

She continues to be a soft-spoken and well-behaved young lady. She is admittedly quite beautiful, although I know better than to be swayed by appearances. She is quick to notice details. Polite. Afraid of confrontation, as she should be. Frankly, she is the sum of all the parts, inside & out, that I look for in a point of interest. She pains me.

I asked her for help deciding between two pain relievers today. She handled the request well for a woman. When I stepped on her heel, she apologized profusely. That's exactly what I was hoping for. It took an unusual level of self-control to smile & walk away. 

She brings me the most tempting source of anguish I have ever experienced. Oh, to be young and faceless. The burdens of leadership are a terrible weight to bear. I do this for God, and for my community. My service is immovable, no matter the cost.

8/7/15

I visited the store again today. She was not on shift. I have been too careless. I should know these things. 

Meanwhile, Samuel is indulging in his sickening delights in the comfort of his own backyard. He doesn't even seem to care that I can hear his absurd lecherous cries. I have seen his packing slips full of useless leathers and items I'd rather not mention. I hate him, but I appreciate that he knows not to challenge me. He is a useful sinner.

9/30/15 

I have spent the last week planning out my course of action. She has a night shift tomorrow. Veronica will be home, but Samuel has agreed, with persuasion, to lead her to the troublesome family at the end of the street. She'll be too busy to notice my absence.

Her parents will be at the play showing on Main St. In fact, most people I'm concerned about will be there, including my coworkers. 

When I arrive, I will wait until she restocks the drinks. I'll disconnect the power to the camera's computer. They have a rudimentary system that saves the data to the computer first, then uploads it to the cloud. No original file, no cloud.

I will go to the hair product section (furthest from the entrance), ask for her advice, and the rest is God's will. She rest her gaze on my glory, and she will submit. She will be the vessel of my legacy. 

I have my exit strategy, but I don't need to dwell on it. I cannot calm down from this miracle that is about to unfold. Lord have mercy on my soul. 

7/15/15

It is time. I am at a disadvantage, for I cannot contain my lust. I must bring a suitcase for this to work. It would be too suspicious for me to change my wardrobe now.

Samuel is taking his time, that stupid bastard. I hear him hollering next door. He should be out by now. It is already 8:05 pm.

7/16/15

One would say that I have made a horrible mistake. If God were to permit me to repeat last night, I would have done it anyways. 

I understand that my foresight was not as keen as I expected. Perhaps I was blinded. I regret nothing. Let me tell you of my ultimate victory.

Although Samuel was late, he performed as I instructed. Her parents left on time. Her store was as empty as I had planned out. She took longer to leave the front register than I thought, but I still managed to disconnect the security module. She didn't notice, either. 

When I stood in front of the shampoo and called her over, she seemed nervous. I will not lie, this excited me. As she walked over, I unzipped my fly. I still had the suitcase in front of me, but I kept growing as she walked to me. She smelled enticing.

Her soft voice and tentative glances fueled my mission. I let her know how beautiful she is. I told her the truth: that she will make an excellent mother. Her growing distress was everything  I hoped for. I set the suitcase down. My groin was proud of its desire. This was my moment to serve God's ultimate wish.

It took her exactly thirty-five seconds to see my lurid outline. She quickly averted her eyes and turned to silently walk away. I reach out for her arm and hold her in place. She didn't look at me. I move to fit my chest to her shoulders, her buttocks to my hips. I brought her close to me, and her sweet warm skin made me fully primed. 

This sweet and sinful female form struggled so hopelessly. My desire fueled my motions to restrain her. I had to bring her to the floor, not my favorite outcome, but it was worth it to see her so defenseless. She was amazingly quiet throughout the entire night. 

What a man and a woman do to create new life must be revered and held close. For that reason, I will not go into more detail about our actions last night. I will only say that the passion was real. The gift of procreation is one that I will never forget. There is a part of me that feels sorry for her. She did not choose to be a woman. It is God's will that she will be my carriage for new life. Nevertheless, she was a wonderful host. 

As all mortal good must come to an end, once my loins had nothing left to give, I had to depart. I came home to exactly what I expected, a commotion down the street that had nothing to do with me, parents still out on the town. No alerts from the office. Last night was a good night. The best night of my life, even. 

This will be my last entry. Because of my position, I have special privileges to let this journal die in the dark. However, this morning I received the news that my act has not gone unnoticed. Dorothy saw the girl sobbing in the aftermath. There is a substantial chance that any potential charges will be dropped, but my life will not be the same once the news spreads across town.

I have served my purpose to God. The final task he requires of me is complete. I have literally nothing left to live for in this world, so I will either travel for the rest of my days, or I may end it all in a justified act of defense from an escalated conflict. We shall see how it plays out. God loves me. I am at peace. 

[lambden]

Here’s some belated Geraskier fic that I finally get to post, as last week’s flash fic challenge has wrapped up! This was originally published anonymously; kudos to those of you who guessed that I was the author. Head to the collection to see the picture prompt that inspired this, as well as view the other works. I've been having a great time participating in fandom events like this; I promise there's more on the way!!! (Read on AO3)

Up To Date

prompt: "You were so hot that when you asked if I was the blind date you were looking for, I lied and said yes. But then your actual date comes up to introduce themselves and I'm so embarrassed."

G, 2.3K words, modern AU, Geralt/Jaskier

It shouldn’t be this difficult to find inspiration. He never used to struggle like this in high school, finding his muse in everyone and everything. Even his mundane trip on the city bus to and from school would give Jaskier hundreds of ideas, for poems too personal to publish or lyrics too deep for his band to use. Back then he had thought he lacked discipline and experience, so the clear choice had been to take his interest in poetry one step further and go to university.

The problem, as he’s now discovering halfway through his second year, is that he maybe hates university. He loves it, of course; he loves the praise from his professors and peers, he loves learning about the history of literature and art. He even loves the academic rivalries that wax and wane every term, and the competitions that ignite a mean streak in him he didn’t know he had.

But his assignments are of worse quality than anything he’s ever written before, and try as he might, they aren’t getting any better. Putting words on the page just to meet a count is impossible for a poet, not when the space and thoughts and images are all supposed to be cohesive. Poems used to flow from him so freely he hadn’t been able to keep track and now his well of motivation has just about run dry.

That’s what led him here, for the third time this week. His creative dysfunction has forced him into the day-to-day habits of an elderly man who spends his days reading in public gardens. It hasn’t helped so far, but maybe this third time will be the charm. Jaskier finds his favorite place: right by the koi pond, next to a strange art installation with ivy crawling along it. He sits at the base of the giant question mark, dropping his backpack onto the bench beside him.

“This better fucking work,” mutters Jaskier to himself and the koi, opening today’s book to a random poem. He refuses to let his mind wander at first, gluing his eyes to the page and reading with intense intent. The first poem he sees is about love.

Groaning, Jaskier flips the page. The next poem is also about love.

The third poem is about war, and Jaskier thinks that might be alright, until he realizes what this long-dead poet is trying to tell him, which is that war is also about love. Because it is, of course, but also of course it is. Jaskier scowls deeply and flips through the book to a random page, hoping to find something to spark inspiration that won’t just make him feel hopeless and single and hopelessly single.

Before Jaskier can get through the title, someone speaks to him, startling him so badly he jumps. “Are you Yennefer’s friend?”

Jaskier scrambles to catch the book by its cover and nearly drops it. He hadn’t even heard anyone approach. “Sorry?”

The stranger audibly sighs, as if Jaskier has inconvenienced him terribly. With all the force of someone announcing their presence at their own death row, he grits out, “I’m here for a blind date she set up. With you.” Jaskier looks up at the man and sees him wearing a blank expression, pointing at the question mark in front of the bench. “By the thing.”

“Oh,” Jaskier says, still looking at the man. It takes a second for the words to sink in because the stranger is perhaps the most handsome person Jaskier has ever seen. He could write a thousand poems and still fail to capture his beauty. He has golden eyes, for one, and a sharply chiseled face. Even grimacing like this, his jaw is set in the loveliest way, and his stern brow is framed by platinum white hair, half-tied up. He’s wearing a fairly gloomy outfit for a blind date, but maybe he told whoever Yennefer is that he would be dressed in black. Regardless, he’s making it work.

The gorgeous stranger is still waiting for an answer, scowl worsening as Jaskier tries to make his decision about how the fuck to handle this. Really, there’s no decision at all— he just impulsively takes the leap. All his best ideas come when he’s stumbling forward blind anyway. “Yes,” he finally says, jumping to his feet. “Yes, um, I’m sorry, you caught me off-guard. I’m Jaskier.”

“Geralt.” They’re of a similar height, but Geralt is so much wider. Jaskier wants to climb him like ivy on a question mark. “I’m sorry I interrupted.”

“It’s fine! I got here a while ago. You know, can’t be too early!” Jaskier has never been early for anything in his life. He sits down again and shoves his books into his bag as quickly as he can. Geralt shifts his weight back and forth between his feet before awkwardly sitting on the bench next to Jaskier, looking out at the garden. “I’ve never done this kind of thing before,” he admits, which is true. His usual lies and schemes are much less chaotic.

Geralt doesn’t reply to that, leaving Jaskier to privately wonder about his dating life. He stares at the plants, giving the impression that he might be hideously nervous. Jaskier has no idea why someone like Geralt would be nervous about anything but it’s an awkward situation, to say the least. Right as Jaskier’s about to suggest they get out of here before Geralt’s real date shows up, the man asks, “What were you reading?”

“I was studying, sort of,” Jaskier says. “I’m a student.” Then abruptly he wonders how much Geralt knows about who he’s supposed to be, and he swallows, pulse racing.

Glancing over, Geralt’s yellow eyes meet his. There’s no obvious doubt there, just a curiosity. “What’s your major?”

“Poetry,” Jaskier grins as their conversation starts to pick up something resembling a rhythm. “What about you, are you in school?”

“No,” says Geralt, cutting his dreams of a normal date conversation short. “Are you any good? At writing poetry?”

What a weirdo. Jaskier’s heart thrums. “I’d like to think so!” This, at least, is something he knows how to talk about. Except, of course, it isn’t really the truth. “Well… recently, I’ve been in a bit of a creative rut. Just waiting for the right burst of inspiration to come along.” Perhaps this blind date that he’s stolen will suffice, but he doesn’t say that. “This place is great for that, actually. I mean, it hasn’t worked yet, but I’m sure any day those fish will sing for me.”

Geralt blinks. Jaskier feels a bead of sweat run down the back of his neck. He tries a different tactic, crossing his ankles and asking politely, “Are you a reader? What kind of things do you enjoy?”

“Nonfiction,” Geralt answers, slightly stilted. His gaze drifts over to the plants once more. “Not biographies, more like… encyclopedias and field journals. I like field journals.”

“Alright,” Jaskier says, shrinking into himself. This is going terribly. “I’ll have to go bribe some scientists for their field journals, then.” The corner of Geralt’s lip twitches, and Jaskier’s stomach flips. Gorgeous and weird and maybe, although he’s trying his best to hide it behind seven layers of nerves, maybe a little amused by Jaskier. Jaskier is going to fuck him right here in the garden. “Do you take journals of your own for work?”

A rather roundabout way of asking ‘what the fuck is it that you do’ but somehow, it lands. “I’m a… researcher,” Geralt mumbles. How very vague. “But I don’t publish my findings very often.”

Jaskier raises an eyebrow. “Do you work… for a company?”

“No.”

“Right. So you’re just keeping all your findings to yourself for no good reason at all.”

“No.”

“Then it sounds like you’re a pretty terrible researcher, actually.”

Geralt’s eyes flash as he turns to glare at Jaskier. “What?”

“Well, if you don’t share what you’ve found with anyone—”

“My… colleagues—”

“Aha! So you have colleagues!” Jaskier pokes Geralt’s side. “You aren’t just holed up in some depressing storage unit with months and months of research just for you.”

Once more, Geralt half-smirks. Not even half— more like a one-fifth smirk. “Years,” he admits.

“Years…” Jaskier tilts his head to the side thoughtfully. “Why do I have the feeling that you’re perhaps a significant number of years older than me?”

“I had the same thought when I saw you sitting here,” Geralt mumbles.

Jaskier snorts. “Seems like something Yennefer should have warned us about, perhaps. I would ask you directly how old you are, but I’m fairly certain that the only response I will get is a very gruff no.”

“No,” says Geralt, nearly smiling.

Making a show of pouting, Jaskier folds his arms over his chest. “Is that your favorite word?”

“No.” Geralt breaks into laughter as he repeats himself, and his whole face lights up with it. Jaskier laughs too, delighted by how joyous Geralt looks. He’s even more beautiful when he’s happy like this, and Jaskier wants very badly for this not to be their last date. “If I tell you my favorite word, you’re bound to judge me for it, as a poet.”

“As a poet, I swear not to mock you,” Jaskier raises his hand to cover his heart, barely restraining himself from grinning.

But before Geralt can share whatever it is, someone else approaches their bench. A second stranger— a woman about his height with short brown hair, wearing a pretty blouse. Jaskier notices her much more quickly than he’d noticed Geralt, and he makes the connection instantly. This can’t possibly end well.

“Oh, Yen wasn’t kidding,” says the stranger, eyeing Geralt. “You are very distinctive!”

Geralt stares back at her, slack-jawed for a moment. “What?”

“I’m Renfri,” Geralt’s date introduces herself. Jaskier wishes the earth would open up and swallow him whole, especially when she glances over at him. Her gaze slides back to Geralt, as does Jaskier’s, and yeah, he is very fucking distinctive with that white hair and those yellow eyes. Damn. “My friend Yennefer set us up for a blind date…?”

As Jaskier contemplates throwing himself into the koi pond, Geralt twists to stare at him. Jaskier can only imagine how mortified he must look right now; his face burns as both Renfri and Geralt look his way. Perhaps Renfri will figure it out before Geralt says anything; she looks like a smart woman.

But Geralt just gets up, dusting himself off and shaking his head. “No,” he tells Renfri, which would almost be funny if it weren’t the weirdest thing Jaskier has ever seen anyone do. Then Geralt leaves, turning to walk away from both of them, leaving Jaskier and Renfri alone together in the garden. Renfri frowns, watching him go with obvious increasing confusion. Jaskier also jumps to his feet, equally confused but determined not to lose sight of Geralt.

He chases the man— and it does feel like a chase, Geralt must be fucking speed-walking away— and finally tracks him down well outside the garden. Geralt is thundering down a set of stairs leading to a parking lot and he doesn’t stop at the sound of Jaskier careening towards him. Only when Jaskier desperately calls his name does he finally stop, slowing until he reaches the bottom landing and then standing there, still.

“I’m sorry,” Jaskier calls down the stairs, breathless. He begins to descend them but Geralt doesn’t turn around. “Fuck, you’re fast! Shit. I’m sorry, Geralt.”

Without looking his way, Geralt complains, so quietly that Jaskier nearly misses it, “Yennefer is going to kill me.”

“I would have fucked off,” Jaskier says quickly, hurrying down the rest of the steps until he gets to the bottom. Geralt still doesn’t look at him so Jaskier slides none-too-gracefully into his space, demanding his attention. He’s hardly red in the face or anything, but he looks embarrassed. Jaskier crumbles. “I’m sorry. I— seriously, I don’t care, I would have fucked off. I should’ve left, I should’ve— You should go back there, she’s beautiful!”

Geralt’s nostrils flare but he doesn’t look away. “Why did you lie,” he demands, flat.

“Well,” Jaskier deflates. “Um. You’re beautiful.”

“Hmm.”

“I really am sorry,” he offers.

Geralt, still watching him closely, says, “You don’t sound sorry.”

“What do you want me to do?” Jaskier throws his hands in the air, breaking away from Geralt’s stare— in the greenhouse, surrounded by bright lights and open, manmade nature, it had been easy to sit under the weight of Geralt’s eyes on him. Down here, at the end of a staircase and the entrance to a dark garage, chest still heaving, it feels too intimate. He puts some distance between them, sighing. “You want me to go back there and explain the whole situation to poor Renfri?”

When Jaskier finally turns around again, Geralt’s gaze hasn’t left him. “I want you to come have dinner with me instead,” he says, slowly but purposefully.

“Oh,” breathes Jaskier. “That’s— well, if you want that.”

“I already made a reservation for two. My name’s on the list.” Geralt is fidgeting with the end of his sleeve at first but when he approaches Jaskier he drops it, striding forward without hesitating. “Table for Geralt and one young brunet friend of Yennefer’s.”

Jaskier chokes on his own surprised laugh. “I don’t actually know Yennefer,” he needlessly explains.

“She’s going to hate you,” says Geralt, half-smirking, and then he adds, “Well, she’ll hate both of us now.”

They get to the restaurant twenty minutes late, Geralt’s hair mussed up and lips a bitten red and Jaskier wearing his backpack and a shit-eating grin. The host sees them and immediately tells them their table has been cancelled, and they end up getting terrible two-dollar slices from a hole-in-the-wall pizza place. They eat on the way back to Geralt’s car and then he drives Jaskier back to campus, kissing him soundly in the door to his apartment until Priscilla comes home and yells at Jaskier to get a room. As they squabble Geralt apologizes, polite and nervous, and kisses Jaskier’s cheek and tells him it was nice to meet him.

Jaskier goes inside and spends the next thirteen hours writing the best poetry he will ever write.

[engekihaikyuu]

Hyper Projection Engeki Haikyuu - The View from the Top 2

What’s In Tokyo Interview Translation with Daigo Kotarou, Akana Ryuunosuke, and Kiyama Ryuu

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“The View from the Top 2” will be the closing chapter in Engeki Haikyuu’s five-and-a-half-year history. As the performance draws nearer and nearer, what is your current state of mind?   Daigo: Since this will be the final production for Engeki Haikyuu, we’re definitely more enthusiastic than usual, and I’m so excited I’m thinking, “Can we get started already?”   Akana: We’re working very hard at rehearsals and really putting everyone’s strengths together to show people this incredible climax for Engeki Haikyuu. We want to deliver the best show we can. Ryuu: I haven’t been back since “Fly High,” when I made my appearance as a representative at the national youth training camp. This will be the first show to feature Kamomedai High School and the first to feature a match of ours. When I think that this will also be the last time, I get a little sad. I don’t want to have any regrets, so right now I’m just exhausting myself giving it my all everyday at rehearsals.

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Full interview and more photos under the Read More! Please do not repost my translations

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Daigo: Ryuu-kun hasn’t been with us for about a year and a half, but just like the last time we were in a show together, he is a kind senpai who looks after me and speaks to me very candidly. When I mess around and drop honorifics like, “Hey, Ryuu!” he’ll just mess around right back and say, “I’m your senpai, you know!” (laughs)   Ryuu: It’s already a running gag now. (laughs)  

Daigo: Ryuu-kun has always had such a welcoming aura ever since we first met, so it doesn’t really feel like there’s any distance between us. I can ask him for advice about anything. But this time we have the Kamomedai High cast in addition to Ryuu-kun, and so I keep carefully probing around to see when it might be good to talk to them (wry smile). But Ryuu-kun always bridges the gap, and I’m very grateful for how attentive he is. Also, Ryuu-kun's movements and dancing are really clean and precise. I kind of want to mimic him, so I’ve actually been observing him in secret for research. He hides such amazing potential! I’m talking about all this because this is an interview... but I don’t actually want to admit all this. (laughs) Ryuu: Kota doesn’t praise me like this at rehearsals so I’m really happy to hear that! Man, interviews are great. (big grin) Everyone: (laughs)

Since starting rehearsals, what’s the teamwork on Kamomedai been like? Ryuu: We haven’t yet managed to gather everyone in the cast yet. But when it comes to the cast members who are at rehearsals right now, we’ve been trying to define our individual roles little by little, and gradually in response we’ve been getting more coordinated as a team.  

Kiyama-san, do you have a specific image in mind of what kind of team you want to create? Ryuu: I talked about it with our director, Worry Kinoshita-san, and with the elements we aim to show on-stage, we'll be a team that’s a sort of hybrid between Shiratorizawa and Aoba Johsai. This the Spring High National Tournament quarterfinals, and we’re the powerhouse team that stands in Karasuno’s way. So the image we’re aiming for is, “When they’re strong, they’re strong, and when they’re excellent, they’re excellent.” And I want to really get into that aspect.  

From your previous experience, do you have any particular advice for your teammates?   Ryuu: The parts that you create as a team make up a huge portion of Engeki Haikyuu, and the way we craft this play is very different from other plays. At the very beginning, I did tell them, “It’s going to be tough, but it’s important that you get used to the Engeki Haikyuu method first. Let’s work hard!”  

Daigo-san, Akana-san, this will be your 4th time with this production, so how has the Karasuno Team powered up compared to before? Akana: We’ve become a really solid unit! Things like, “Right now, we should have this,” or “Now is the time when we have to do that.” Any one of us can just give a little comment like that, or judge the atmosphere, and we get to work. We don’t even have to talk, we’ve gotten to a point of incredible mutual understanding.   Daigo: We’ve spent so much time together, so now we don’t even have to talk to be in unison on counts or with timing, so rehearsals proceed really smoothly. Of course we discuss the acting portions with Worry-san, and I hope that we can have a nice friendly rivalry with everyone on Kamomedai as we work to create this play.  

I feel like this will unfold into a really speedy match that keeps us on the edges of our seats, but how are you personally thinking of crafting all this? Daigo: Rather than a series of scenes with really hectic matches, we want to draw focus to individual emotional moments... In particular with Karasuno Ace, Azumane-san, but each individual player’s emotional journey too, and Hinata and Hoshiumi’s “Battle of the little giants.” We’re going to show our relationships with all of our past rivals even more we did before. It’s going to be a little bit different from how we’ve presented things up to now where it’s felt like a festival no matter where you look around on-stage. We’re paying more attention to the drama of it, and I feel like this is turning into a production with an appropriately dramatic ending.   Akana: From last spring’s “The Strongest Challengers,” we’ve been steadily progressing with all of the Spring High matches. Even if it’s a really tough match, in their hearts, the players are having fun just playing volleyball. That’s the image we’ve portrayed, and for those of us on that stage, we’re also feeling the exact same and having fun. So I just want to look the Kamomedai cast in the eye and together enjoy the fun of volleyball.

What about you, Kiyama-san? Ryuu: As a team, we’re being very conscious of becoming one cohesive unit, and for me as Hoshiumi Kourai, I’m thinking about how much influence Hinata and Kageyama will have on me and how best to show that. I also personally want to be able to push Nosuke and Kota with my acting. As an actor, the biggest aim is to master the role and see how much you can move people’s emotions, and this is of course essential for Engeki Haikyuu as well. So that’s what I really want to focus on.  

Now I know that Engeki Haikyuu rehearsals can be particularly rigorous, but do you also add on additional voluntary practices and training? Daigo: I do 100 shuttle runs every time we finish rehearsals. I sweat it out, go home, eat, take a bath, prep for the next day, and then go straight to sleep! It’s basically exactly the life of an athlete on a team. (laughs) Akana: Everyday after we finish rehearsals, I go with Yamamoto Ryousuke (Tsukishima Kei’s actor) for extra weight training. Normally I do a bit of weight training on my own even during rehearsals, but in order to make my body even bigger than before, I haven’t skipped a single session. I’ve also been very conscious about my protein and carb intake.   Daigo: It’s crazy how much he can eat. On Nosuke’s desk at rehearsals, there’s basically a mountain of rice balls.   Akana: Yeah. Even if I feel like I’m gonna throw up, I make sure to eat every bite. (laughs) Ryuu: After “Fly High,” I actually started training with a parkour instructor in order to prepare for our match against Karasuno. Akana: Ehh?! That’s insane! Daigo: That’s why all your movements are so clean!!   Ryuu: Parkour is a sport where you eliminate all unnecessary movements, so adding my parkour training, I now have more variation and range in what I can do for this show. All of the ways in which I can express myself have expanded thanks to other shows as well, so I would like to keep on this track.  

And now I’d like to ask about your memories from past tours. Can you tell us about a particular scene or a particular line that left an impression on you? Daigo: For me the tour that left the biggest impression on me was our most recent one, The Battle of the Trash Heap. It was so fun to be in a play together with Nekoma’s Takato-kun (Kozume Kenma’s actor). Even after the tour, we continue to contact each other in our spare time, and I’m really happy that our relationship has progressed to that point. He motivated me so much, and because of him I now aspire to become someone who can also influence everyone around me the way he did. It’s not an exaggeration to say that Takato-kun is an inspiration to me.  

Do you have any motivational or supportive words from that beloved senpai then? Daigo: I was honestly so happy that Takato-kun, whom I admire and respect, said to me, “I love Kota’s acting.” And I’m sure that he’ll come to see this tour as well, and I don’t want to disappoint him, so I’m really keeping his words close to my heart (laughs). I want to face this play with complete sincerity and with all my heart.  

Akana-san, do you have any scenes you can’t forget? Any lines that are precious to you? Akana: This isn’t a specific scene, but what’s precious to me is Engeki Haikyuu itself, because it really taught me how precious it is to see something through to the end together with your teammates. We move around so much it’s absolutely exhausting, but the sense of accomplishment you feel when you safely accomplish a tour is incredible. And it makes me happy because every time I can also really feel how much I myself have grown and improved. I feel like this production hasn’t just helped me establish the baseline for my acting career, it’s taught me important things for just life in general.  .

And for you, Kiyama-san? Ryuu: The tour that left an impression on me is “Fly High.” For “Fly High,” I was part of the youth camp and even with just that, I was like, “I have this much stuff to do?!” So it was rough, but the Karasuno cast had about double the amount we had to do, and even so everyone was just at heart having fun with volleyball. That left an impression on me. I can pound my chest and say that we made a really fun show! The fact that we pulled it off and met our goal is a source of pride and confidence for me.  

Kiyama-san, what’s the most important thing you’ve received from your time with Engeki Haikyuu? Ryuu: “Don’t leave people behind.” In any sequence, if even one person loses count, everything comes to a halt. And when that happens, there are people who will get appropriately upset with you. It might feel like they’re being strict and unforgiving of your mistakes, but it’s because they think of you as an equal, and so they have expectations of you and love for you. And that is why I’m able to get a grip and never give up, no matter how rough it gets.   Daigo: I feel like if you go through the Engeki Haikyuu experience, it really improves your social skills and thoughtfulness. “Even if it’s hard, don’t run away.” “What should I do to best foster my relationships with these people?” These are things above and beyond what an actor normally thinks about. But if you hold back for even a moment and slip up, people get hurt. We have acrobatic routines that are that precarious, so it's really important to be constantly communicating with each other and to never let up our focus. I feel that through Engeki Haikyuu, and of course other shows too, I've really taken to heart that this level of consideration is necessary for everyday life too.

And lastly, please give us something that those of us who are looking forward to the show should keep an eye out for.   Ryuu: This work is going to cram in a huge amount of content, so it may be difficult to grasp everything on one watch, but there is a very important them eat the center of all of that. I think that it’ll be a production that fans of the manga will enjoy, of course fans of Engeki Haikyuu, and even people who may be watching for the first time. We’re in the midst of putting all of our effort into making sure of that. Please come to see our gallant figures one final time.   Akana: The focus will be on Hinata and Hoshiumi’s “Battle of the Little Giants,” on the bond between Hinata and Kageyama, and the relationships between Karasuno High and all of the rival schools that we’ve defeated to get here. As Ryuu-kun said, this production is going to have a lot of things to keep an eye out for. Engeki Haikyuu is about Passion, Courage, and deep Emotion, so I hope that people will come to see us at the theater and take that all in. Daigo: In the manga, there’s a famous line that Coach Ukai says during the Shiratorizawa match: “Volleyball is a sport where you’re always looking up.” We hope we’re able to convey all of the emotion behind those words to the audience, especially given the current circumstances. We’ll try with all of our might to do so through this play. Engeki Haikyuu began about five-and-a-half-years ago, and the time that our generation has spent running with this baton is about two years. Engeki Haikyuu is popular around the world, and this production is one where I can pound my chest and say, “It’s fun! It’s interesting and great!” I think I will be able to convey that to many many people.   I would love for you to see that with your own eyes until the moment that the final curtain falls. Please look forward to it!

=====

You can read the original Japanese interview here: (x)

Please do not repost my translations!  This includes screenshots of bits and pieces taken out of context, especially if they don’t link back to this full post. If you appreciate the work I do for this blog and want to support my translation efforts please consider donating a ko-fi! (x)

[shemakesmusic-uk]

INTERVIEW: Penelope Trappes.

Australian-born Brighton-based musician Penelope Trappes has shared a new single and accompanying short film directed by Agnes Haus, ‘Blood Moon,’ from her forthcoming album Penelope Three. The album will be released next Friday, May 28 on Houndstooth. Following singles ‘Fur & Feather’ and ‘Nervous,’ ‘Blood Moon’ is atmospheric and dreamlike; a song about repurposing the fear within.

"I consider the moon a temple, a mirror of our emotions,” elaborates Trappes. “The blood moon symbolically represents the beginning, the ending and a clean slate. ‘Blood Moon’ is about being uncompromisingly true to oneself despite societal expectations. Everyone should be free to express femininity in their own individual way. The burdens and expectations instilled in us at childhood weigh us down and hold us back. This song is about never giving in to this pressure and dismantling a system of oppression that is carried within our bodies. A metamorphosis." Commenting on the accompanying visual, she adds: "The short film ’Blood Moon’ is a modern take on the goddess Isis if she were around to face today’s world. Isis is the protector of women and children and the healer of the sick - but despite her powers, she would still be weighed down by societal expectations of what is expected of women."

We sat down with Penelope to discuss Penelope 3, being back on stage and what she has planned next. Read the full interview below.

Hi Penelope! How are you? How have you been coping with everything thats been happening this past year?

"Hello! I’m doing well, thanks. Keeping sane in a world gone a bit mad. I’m doing daily yoga and meditation, I’m vegan and very recently gluten-free, which has been great! I’m a bit of a bore with the health stuff...but I love taking care of my body. Also, after sometime of getting used to it, I am now embracing the slower pace of life, what with no travel, and less commuting places. It’s a bit like how I imagine things were in say Victorian times... but with internet."

You're gearing up to release your new album Penelope Three. In it you explore your metamorphosis through tales of motherhood, the divine feminine, anxiety, healing powers and their spiritual connections. What sparked the inspiration to write about these themes?

"I have always felt emotions deeply within my body, since I was a child, particularly ancestral trauma. I am not sure if there is a word for this, but it’s my reality and at times it has been quite hard to cope with. So as I have been going through a lot of physical changes in my own body in recent years, these have shifted and moved me on a much deeper level - emotionally and spiritually. On top of that there was the pending separation anxiety of my sole daughter leaving home, which turned out to be more emotional than I expected. Living overseas for all of my adult life has always been difficult in relation to my family back home in Australia.  My mother is getting older and more unwell, and with my not being able to visit her in Australia due to the pandemic, i had to dive deep to find coping mechanisms. All the imposed alone time and the isolation has led to a lot of introspection. I am thankful to be able to find healing in channeling these feelings through the power of writing."

Sonically, how is Penelope Three different (or similar) to your previous releases? Were there any musical influences or sounds that you were able to incorporate on this record that you hadn’t previously?

"For Penelope Three, I based most of the compositions around my voice and words telling more of a tale. In the past i chose to pause on that aspect of myself and let the space take the forefront. I also explored a few more elements of my voice that I had trained in when I first started doing music, including jazz, opera, and sacred music. It’s not to say this album doesn’t have space like the last two albums, it does, but perhaps the pieces might feel a little more like “songs” on this one."

What was the creative process like this time around? Did lockdown affect it at all?

"The album was actually finished before lockdown. I wish I could say I was creating music since the pandemic, but sadly no.  I was spending a lot of time during lockdown just trying to navigate life itself, though i did find the time to co-direct, film, and work on the visual side of Penelope Three. ‘Penelope Three’ actually falls into a strange world of before, during, and after. It has grown with the changing world. I think it sits well in all realms of past, present and future - which the visuals that accompany the album represent."

What was your favourite part creating Penelope Three? And were there any parts you found particularly challenging?

"There were times during the initial creative process that I went way out there, right off on tangents. Sometimes quite dark. I really enjoyed exploring this side of me but sometimes it was a little bit too much. It was challenging to decide to put some of this off to the side and stay present in hope. I would say my favourite part of creating P3 was in making the final decision to embrace the many voices I carry within me, curating these into one cohesive album."

What do you hope fans will take away from the new album?

"Hopefully they have heard Penelope 1 and 2 and can feel the vision and the love now that I am at the end of the trilogy. Either way, a sense of strength versus vulnerability and the empowerment that comes from embracing both of these qualities is what I hope they find while listening."

You have some live dates lined up in September. I expect you’re excited to be back on stage. What have you missed the most about performing?

"I have missed sharing the music and the space with an audience. Those moments when you can hear a pin drop. Sharing these fragile moments together where anything could happen will be pure joy!"

Will there be any changes to your live show?

"I now have a cellist and keyboardist / backing vocalist on stage with me, two wonderful women, Maddie Cutter and Hinako Omori. The 3 of us sharing the stage together helps to communicate the elements of fragility and strength within P3.  It also frees me up to play guitar and really focus in on the vocals a bit more because in the past, I was multi-tasking on stage and had to rely on a holding down a lot of synths keys and chords the whole time."

Based on your musical journey so far, what’s been your biggest takeaway/piece of advice?

"Don’t ever stop creating no matter what family, friends or society tell you! Just keep evolving, changing and exploring everything that inspires you."

Finally, what else is next for you? Any non-musical goals?

"With Penelope Three, I have been working a lot on videos and I’m intending on exploring more aspects of filmmaking. I am particularly inspired by acting and the concept of story-telling and expressing all the emotions of life just through a delicate glance, the flick of the hand, or a tear. I am interested in telling tales with the body - with performance - but without music. I want to embrace the confrontational. I am also thinking a lot about musically what comes after this Trilogy. I have half of the music written already for a future album, but I just need to define what it’s all about before i continue on it."

Penelope 3 is out May 28 via Houndstooth.

Photo credit: Agnes Haus

[fillingthescrapbook]

Dear Potential Zoey's Extraordinary Third Season

The second season finale of Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist ended a chapter on Zoey's emotional journey as a person. From a girl who was friendly but disconnected, she is now someone who is willing to take risks and leaps on faith alone. Honestly, if Zoey's journey ends here, I will be okay.

But seeing the spark of the show come back in the last two episode, I do want Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist to live on with more seasons. So here's my pitch to the musical universe for what I wish a third season would look like:

Diving Deep into Zoey's Musical Powers

We could spend the first five episodes of the season with Zoey trying to figure out how Max was able to hear a heart song. Did she pass her powers on to him? Was she able to share her powers with him because of the connection they shared? The love? What if she's not just sharing it with Max? What if Mo or Maggie can hear heart songs too?

Of course, this magical music mayhem doesn't have to take all the focus during the first arc of the season. It's something to keep Zoey occupied, like in Season 1 when Zoey and Mo were trying to discover the extents of her ability, while a bigger A-plot is happening.

Like, vis-à-vis Zoey wondering about the implications of sharing her powers with Max, we could have Simon dealing with his new position that allows him to uplift people of color in the tech industry--and the complications that arise from that. And then when Zoey and Max have differing opinions on how to help someone whose heart song is screaming for help, the show could explore the new dynamics between Leif, Tobin, and McKenzie. Maybe with Leif deciding to move to Simon's department.

We could even have an episode that centers on how Zoey sharing powers with Max affects Zoey's relationship with Mo. And maybe connect that to Maggie's decision to date again and how David deals with it.

Basically, I want the potential third season to keep moving the characters forward. No more step backs. And no more Maximo subplots. Simon getting his own department to lead at Sprqpoint is an opportunity for the show to give him new challenges without taking him out of Zoey's orbit. That was one of the challenges the show failed with Maximo: it gave Max and Mo surface-level conflicts that kept pausing Zoey's progression just so she could be present for when Max and Mo need to sing. Simon's subplots do not need to be connected to Zoey, but they do need to be connected to her world. The show is called Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist after all.

And, maybe, while Zoey and Max are still figuring out the powers--they could do a glitch episode again. Like, maybe during Mitch's death anniversary, or when Maggie first takes off her wedding ring, Zoey could have a particularly heart-wrenching session with her therapist that leads to her opening up her world to Max and/or Mo, showing them heart songs in key moments of her life?

So many things can be done to explore Zoey's powers without letting it be the main focus of the show. Because an ideal third season of the show for me would explore more of...

Zoey's Extraordinary Relationships

Mo, Maggie, and now Max are Zoey's heart lines. They represent parts of her that we need to keep growing: Mo is the curiosity that gets her to step out of her comfort zone, Maggie is the safety she comes home to when the world becomes too scary, and Max is the courage that empowers her when its time to face the consequences.

Through Mo, Zoey could meet new people--and new heart songs to hear. I really want to go back to that one neighbor Zoey and Mo have who is too scared to leave the apartment. I would also love to see Mo bump into her ex-boyfriend Eddie while still figuring out the ropes of her relationship with Perry. Mo is Zoey's window to the outside world. And I really hope the show doesn't keep Mo away from Zoey again.

With Maggie, Zoey could explore and challenge her safe space. I love that Maggie wants to live life again, and I think it's important for Zoey to see Maggie making mistakes. Like maybe Maggie and Deb could meet a Mr. Wrong at the cruise they're going to. Or Maggie could want to take the next step in a new relationship only to realize that being with someone new isn't going to be the same as being with Mitch--who she loved and live with for so long. Zoey could progress into a more grounded character as she becomes more open to the problems her family faces via their heart songs.

And then Max could be Zoey's guide in exploring the relationships that Zoey already has and is continuing to navigate. Like, how does one deal with an ex you still have to work with? Especially an ex who did nothing wrong--while you're dating the guy he wasn't supposed to be worried about? What happens when Zoey's decision to include more women in the coding floor become an impediment to productivity? Especially when Leif and Tobin examine the ways they are different now that the latter is dating McKenzie, compared to when Leif was with Joan.

I also really want Joan to come back and see how much Zoey has grown. Even for just a guest appearance. And speaking of comebacks, I also want to see Abigail again. Maybe as a new hire for Simon's new department or Zoey's own team.

I want the show to live in the world they're building. Like, what happens when Zoey and Max meet Autumn again? Or what happens when Simon starts dating Tatiana, goes out for a business dinner with Zoey, and then they come across Jessica? I know San Francisco is a big city, and I know the characters introduced aren't bound to stay where they are all the time. But the show really flies when it focuses on relationships that have already been established. On characters that are already connected. On stories that are already there and are just waiting to be told.

Zoey's Extraordinary Thesis

I want a cohesive third season that has a clear beginning, middle, and end. The first season of the show introduced us to a Zoey who is apprehensive of the world but would do anything for the family she loves. Season two Zoey was a bit of a mess, but the finale allowed her to become a more grounded person. The third season should be Zoey exploring what her purpose is.

The first arc would be her figuring out her powers and its effect in her life. Why did the universe want her to hear people's heart songs? Dream Mitch says it's one way of the universe telling her she doesn't have to be scared, and that everyone has fears, vulnerabilities, and struggles. But where does Zoey take that lesson?

For the third season's first arc, maybe Zoey meets a person who doesn't want to be helped. Or maybe Zoey and Max ruins a person's life the more they try to help? The first arc could start with Zoey making a decision to lose her powers--and by its end, she could find a process that would stop people from singing their heart songs to her. And then the second arc, while exploring Zoey's relationships, could have Zoey's C-plot be her accomplishing tasks that would lead to her giving her powers up.

And then, of course, by the third and final arc of the season, Zoey would have an epiphany--of how much better her life had become because of her powers; that now she has honed her ability to help people, because of Maggie, because of Mo, and because of Max. And now she realizes that she enjoys helping those who want help. And that she would want to continue with her extraordinary playlist.

. . .

I may have given this too much thought.

[anamatics]

so i’ve been watching rwby

and as I’ve been doing so I’ve been posting reactions to my friends. After S5, S6, and S7, in particular, I had a lot of thoughts and opinions. More under the cut. I’m going to write fic aren’t i?

Season 5:

1. Where is the first/autumn relic?! Like, we've established that Ozpin hid it well, yet for some reason it doesn't feel like that's the whole story - given where the relic was hidden this time, in some sort of n dimentional desert (where, if you looked closely you could see similar ##chemtrails - could people just walk through that desert to get to all of them? 2. I find it hilarious that Weiss just got out of Atlas only to go back, I'm very curious as to what sort of ~~damage this reveals about her in the coming seasons, but I'm also very intrigued by how reintroducing her to her father with the rest of team RWBY will shift/alter the narrative of powerlessness that he seems t be pushing toward her. I'm esp. intrigued as to what his reaction will be to Blake (as he seems very anti-faunus). 3. WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN FOR THE #YANGST. 4. The show has been pretty constantly showing us that most of Ruby and Yang's family seems like chill folks, but the ##absentmother trope is strong here. Given that it seems like only Blake has a mom, does Blake's mom adopt everyone? 5. Blake having a fairly functional nuclear family is fascinating to me, because it makes a lot of her choices seem way more political (at a very young age) as opposed to just a kid who got in over her head with a boy who was a bit older. I'd love to know more about this. 6. as a multishipper, I hurt all over.

xx

Season 6:

Item the FIRST: Weiss barely making it out of Atlas only to be dragged, albeit somewhat willingly back to the source of all of her ~ trauma & family drama ~ I am curious to see how this plays out and generally hope that Weiss somehow stabs her shitty dad and Draco Malfoy rip off brother while being reunited with her 100% Cooler Than U sister. Also that Cooler Than U sister works on the unresolved sexual tension she CLEARLY had with Qrow.

Item the SECOND: The show's thoughtful handling of Qrow's alcoholism and Ruby's gentle efforts to push toward sobriety without like being annoyingly moralistic about it. It could have been handled so differently and I really, really enjoyed that it was handled in the way it was.

Item the THIRD: Weiss' new red scarf. adsfajshfaksdjfhthatsgayweissaksdfhaksdjfh

Item the FOURTH: The various Poor Life Choices Salem made during our brief sojourn to the Department of Backstory. Also Jinn is amazing let's keep her around. She can join Jaune, Ren and Nora as a 4th member of their team and just hilariously be naked all the time. 10/10 would watch for hijinks adventures.

Item the FIFTH:  Ozpin sulking that he got all his relationship drama put on main like that

Item the SIXTH: Jaune's gay sister and sister-in-law and their baby and and and and (idk I just loved this).

Item the SEVENTH: BLAKE AND YANG HELD HANDS AND MURDERED THEIR TRAUMA TOGETHER PRAISE JESUS AND CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH? NOW KISS.

Item the EIGHTH: My multishipper ass saw that moment between Weiss and Yang when they were stuck in the basement and I'd just like to say I would be happy to see that too.

xx

Season 7:  Item the First: Weiss has a mother. Which we all logically knew she did but that scene with her in Jacques' office was just... a lot. Also raised some very interesting questions. When will Weiss and Ruby bond over alcoholic parental figures, I ask you. On this front, I am also now supremely, supremely curious about Winter's relationship with her mother. 

Item the Second: Leftist Weiss. Well we all knew that Weiss wouldn't have voted for her dad anyway, but I think the tension between Weiss's clear orientation toward helping people and government for good and her father/sister's appealing to/embodying other forms of authority (corporate/military). This also raises an interesting point of contention between Weiss and Winter, as Winter's sort of this embodiment of what I'd maybe call a conscientious soldier – where she’s clearly in possession of independent thoughts and opinions, yet also seems to want to appeal to a higher authority whenever she feels conflicted (e.g. “Ironwood is making the hard decisions so we don’t have to.”). This actually draws a very stark line between Winter and Weiss – as Weiss has always been a freer thinker, who can and does think for herself and operate from her own moral compass. The moment at the end of the season between Weiss and Winter was just so delicious as I hope (HOPE HOPE) that they’re setting up for a ~~moment of clarity~ for Winter where she has to make a decision on her own that defies orders in some way for the greater good that Weiss can see so easily. (Also, please, my good gay sisters: Hug. It. Out.)

Item the Third: Leftist Bees (well really, leftist Yang, Blake was always a revolutionary). I absolutely loved the Everyone Is Lying moments in this season, and I do hate that the Bees were the ones caught out in it first. Black and Yang telling Robyn the truth also struck me as something that the pair of them would do anyway – the only other character I could see possibly slipping and letting info get to Robyn is Weiss, but I also got the sense that Weiss understood the politics of the situation better than anyone else and because of this was playing it pretty close to the vest. The Bee’s decision really jives with their partnership. As did getting to watch them fight together so much this season, they’re evolving together, and seeing them fight in tandem is a delight.

Item the Fourth: Splitting whiterose. I like Penny. I actually love Penny. I love Penny and Roby’s dynamic. And their friendship. And how ridiculous they are. But it really struck me that how the whiterose partnership kept on getting split until the final fight against the Spice Force Five. I’m sure there’s a reason for this but I don’t like it and I won’t hear it or respond to it.

Item the Fifth: The Not Spice Girls/Spice Force Five. Love these idiots, but they’re all cops. Marrow is the most delightful of them and seems like he’s about to go on a journey similar to Winter, Harriet sucks a lot, Clover was a delightful almost rip but also mmmwhatchusay. I sort of hated the juxtaposition between team RWBY and them, with the ‘just following orders’ mentality and the lack of friendship/cohesion between these guys. I guess now Winter can join them and they so they can have their Posh Spice.

Item the Sixth: Schneewood Forest. I feel like I could write a whole elaborate backstory with these two. There’s something there – the unstoppable force meets immovable object of it, plus the idea of someone who challenges Winter’s entire belief structure just by being an okay person ~with a merry band of queers~. I feel a lot of things. I want to explore this. Stop me I am in a PhD program. 

Item the Seventh: The Tinman’s Heart. Having read all of the Wizard of Oz books, as well as the Wicked series, I actually appreciate that this series is taking nods from both sources for these characters. James’s decisions are … not great but I can see his logic – well right up until the part where he shoots poor Oscar. That was just rude. Also I do love watching him fight because he’s so very, very good.

Item the Seventh: Bisexual Bobs. How very Bi of you Blake. And how useless lesbian of Yang to be all flustered about it. Please kiss.

[sierraraeck]

Monday

BAU x OC Aundreya

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

Summary: Coming back to the BAU is a struggle for Aundreya, but a couple conversations with her teammates seems to make things a little bit better. Story twenty-one.

Category: Angst and fluff

Warnings: Cussing. Mentions of sex.

Word Count: 4.3k

I had not been reinstated. Yet. But I couldn’t blame them for it. I mean, I did take the fall for two murders, go to prison, get out of prison, take a bullet, become a fugitive, murder another, make a deal with a criminal (that luckily no one knew about), and then asked for my job back. It was reasonable that they were hesitant. However, if I wanted to save their lives, I was going to have to find some way back into the Bureau. Which meant leaving the ring, again.

“You cannot be serious!” Mateo yelled.

“I have no other choice!” I responded, tho ring my hands in the air. “I made a deal with DeLeon. This is how it has to be until I can finish this, and come back!”

“Who’s to say you’ll come back? You didn’t last time!”

He was right, of course. I only came back because I had nowhere else to turn. “Mateo-”

“Don’t start that with me. I thought I finally had you back, we all did, and you’re just going to leave again?” He was tugging at his hair and turning away from me. I came up from behind him and wrapped my arms around his strong middle. His posture was tense, but he let me do it.

“If it was up to me, I’d stay here with you. But I am not going to let DeLeon take everything from me. Including you,” I whispered.

“I just don’t want to lose you again,” Mateo confessed, his voice lowering as well.

I pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “I will check in with you when I can, but we all need to be careful right now. DeLeon always has other plans, and I will not let him get more than what we agreed upon.”

“We’ve got people looking for him, you know,” Mateo reminded me.

“I know. So does the FBI. Hopefully we can catch and kill him before he causes more chaos, but if not, you have to let me go through with this.”

“Fine. But make it quick because I’m going to miss you,” he said, a cheeky look on his face as he turned around to face me. He had one strong hand on my back and the other cupping my face. He pulled me in for a kiss, then leaned back on the disaster of a bed we’d just come from, pulling me with him.

“Mateo-” I sang.

“You have a little bit longer, don’t you?” he asked, grinning at me with those big doe eyes. How could I say no?

“Maybe just a few…” I trailed off. That was all he needed to hear.

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

I marched into the FBI headquarters, bee-lining it directly to Section Chief Strauss’ office. I adjusted my clothes and smoothed out any wrinkles in my shirt one last time before knocking and pushing open the door.

“Ms. Chambers,” Strauss unhappily greeted.

“Chief Strauss,” I followed suit. She motioned for me to sit down.

“I’ve been expecting you,” she stated cooly, “I knew it was only a matter of time before you made your way back here.”

“I did call,” I pointed out.

“Yes, and I told you no,” she retorted.

I smiled, “Then you know why I’m here.”

“And the answer’s still no.”

“That’s just not going to do it for me, Chief.” My eyes bore into hers as I continued, “I was wrongfully sent to prison, and then I helped out a federal case, two if you really think about it, and-”

“What about ‘no’ do you not understand?” Strauss leaned back in her chair, clasping her hands in front of her.

“I would argue that I was more of a risk the first time you hired me, but you still did it then. What’s preventing you from doing it now?” I raised my eyebrows.

“You confessed to murder.”

“I was charged with murder the first time.” I was hopeful that if I challenged her first decision, she’d be inclined to defend herself, therefore having to make the same decision twice.

“You put agents’ lives at risk.”

“I took a bullet for a civilian, and went into hiding in order to protect those same agents.”

“You got our best tech analyst, Penelope Garcia, shot,” Strauss reminded. I didn’t have anything to say to that.

I landed on, “I have been a loyal agent with the FBI for three years. Yes, I’ve been out for a while, but I am coming back for a reason. This is no different than the first time you hired me-”

She cut me off again, “Then I guess we shouldn’t have hired you the first time. Now get out of my office.”

I ran my tongue over my lips as I stood up and took a couple steps toward her office door. But I couldn’t leave. Lives depended on my ability to get my job back, so I had to keep trying. The diplomatic way didn’t work, so it was time for a different approach.

I walked back over to her desk and stood in front of her, “During the three years I was here, I helped close more high profile cases than ever before, some that weren’t even BAU cases. I understand that you have reservations about my abilities, but I was able to do that because of my skills and my connections. If I wanted to screw over the FBI, I would have done it by now, I have the resources. But I haven’t. Instead, my network of people and the BAU team all worked cohesively to help find me, so if they can do it, so can I, especially because I’ve actually worked with all of those people before. “

“Chambers, nothing you say-”

“All do respect, Chief Strauss, but I’m not finished,” I interrupted. “When I went to prison, you gave up on me entirely. Sure, Doctor Reid had been a part of the team longer than I had, but I was just as much a team member as he was, and I know for a fact, you allowed, no encouraged, the team to continue working to figure out the truth when it was him, but didn’t return the favor when it was me. You did nothing. More than that, you ordered them to let it go. Come to find out, I was just as much of a victim in that situation as any. I’m not saying I had a good reputation prior to that, but any semblance of trust the Bureau had in me was gone. I was on my own to get out, and continue fighting some of the most dangerous people this country has ever seen, by the end having to recover from more than ten injuries. So after taking away my reputation, my freedom, and nearly my life, the least you could do would be to reinstate me.”

Strauss just stared at me, then took a deep breath, “Fine. I’ll reinstate you. But not to the BAU.”

“I don’t accept that. I would like my exact job back,” I demanded. She opened her mouth to say something, but I kept talking, “And don’t worry about my behavior or ability to work with them in a cohesive manner. I don’t have a problem with them as long as they don’t have a problem with me.”

“So you’re not..?” Strauss trailed off.

It wasn’t like her, but I had a pretty good idea what she was getting at, and I wasn’t going to make it easy. I wanted to hear her say it. “What? What do you think I am?”

“Angry,” Strauss offered. “You have a history of getting angry and violently overreacting.”

“I was for a while,” I shrugged, “but I’m tired of being angry. It’s exhausting, wasting so much energy on being angry with each individual member. I had 22 months to be angry with them, most of which were spent in prison or on the run and I’m over it. I just want my job back.”

She sighed in defeat, “Fine. We’ll look into you getting back your-”

“I’d like to start Monday,” I said, leaning down and placing my fingertips on her desk. I flashed her a smile, but I’m sure she could tell it wasn’t exactly friendly.

“We’ll see you then, Agent Chambers.” I leaned back from her desk and walked out of her office without another word. It was Friday, so I still had the weekend, but I wanted to make one last stop on my way out.

I shoved open the door to the bat cave to see the exact site I knew would be waiting for me. The entire team, excluding Aaron, gathered around Penelope’s computer.

“I hope you enjoyed the show,” I deadpanned. They’d been watching me for nearly the entirety of the two years I’d been gone, surveilling me in prison, in the hospital, and when I was with DeLeon. I knew they’d still be watching me today.

They were frozen in their spots, and I had to wonder why they even came for me that day. It would have been so easy for them to ignore the feed and forget about me.

“Chambers, it’s not how it looks,” Morgan tried.

“I’m sure it’s not,” I squinted at him, and clicked my tongue. “I’m sure you weren’t so nervous about me coming back that you asked Garcia to run facial recognition on everyone who entered the BAU floor, and I’m sure you weren’t scared enough, for yourselves and Strauss, to set up a camera with audio in her office.”

“It’s not like we don’t trust you,” Prentiss piped in.

“It’s not like you do,” I incredulously quipped, “Or do you track every move of all the people you trust?” They just stood there staring at me, like I was a ticking time bomb. And maybe I was, but I decided to fill the silence, “I guess it doesn’t matter now, though. I’ll see you Monday?”

I got no response as I left the doorway and walked down the hall toward the elevator. Just before I got in, I turned to the security camera and winked.

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

It was the worst sort of deja vu, walking into the BAU headquarters on my ‘first day.’ I’d done this a total of three times: the first time I met them, when they pulled me out of prison to find Maeve, and now. I was tired of wondering, and then knowing, how the team was going to react to me. The first time, I tried to lie, which didn’t work out. The second time, I gave them exactly what they were expecting of me, a bitter and twisted version, which also didn’t work out. So this third time, I figured I’d give them the opposite of what they’d expect. Third time’s the charm, right?

But, it was a lot easier said than done. Pretending like I was cool headed and only here to do the job and get out was going to be hard, especially when I still did have so much anger. But I wasn’t lying when I told Strauss I was exhausted. Sure, the team had helped find me, but what else had they done? Given up on me, accused me, and still didn’t trust me? All of those thoughts were rattling in my head, and I ended up with a twisted mix of emotions, the two strongest being anger and a general sense of caring. How can you be so angry with someone, enough to want to turn your back on them, and also care about them so much that you make a deal with a criminal, your life on the line, in order to save them?

Now was not the time to contemplate that, because I was about to walk through those doors and return to the job I once had. The job that took me so long to earn, and so little to lose. I walked into the round table room where everyone was already waiting. Seriously, the worst deja vu.

Skipping the awkward greetings, I just asked, “What’d I miss?”

“You’re actually right on time,” Hotch assured. With that, Garcia launched into her briefing. It took all of my willpower not to add more than one thing to the conversation. I let them take the lead while I sat back and listened.

Hotch told us that we’d be leaving in 30, so everyone grabbed their bags and headed to the jet. I waited for the group of them to go ahead, and then planned to make the trip by myself. I was about to succeed in that plan, until Rossi slipped into the elevator with me. I didn’t even look over at him.

“You’re welcome, by the way,” he said. I turned my head toward him, brows furrowed. “For letting you crash at my place.”

I blew a small laugh out of my nose, “I knew I got the red and gold pillows mixed up.” He smiled and left it at that, which I was grateful for.

We boarded the jet together, and headed out across the country to catch another killer.

Halfway into the week, on our way back to the hotel, Morgan hung back from the group, which he never did, so I knew something was up. Glances were passed between Hotch, Rossi, and Morgan, so I knew that they had some idea what this was about, and I fought the urge to just run out of the precinct.

“I’ll walk you out?” Derek invited as he approached me.

“If you really want to end up in a parking lot alone with me again,” I joked, gesturing toward his face which once dawned a black eye courtesy of me. He smirked and nodded his head toward the door.

“You are a really strong fighter,” he commented. I rolled my eyes at him, but he stopped in his tracks to face me. “I mean it, Aundreya. In more ways than one.”

Something in his undertone led me to believe we weren’t talking about the same thing, and I didn’t know whether to say thank you and walk or to stay to see what else he had to say. My curiosity got the better of me and I asked, “What are you saying?”

“Walk with me,” was all he offered. I squinted at his back in confusion before following him. We were in a super small town near a desert, and he started heading out into the open sand, the exact opposite direction of our hotel. I stopped and he turned around to look at me. “What? Gang girl afraid of a little sand?”

I trekked toward him, “If you ever call me that again, you should be afraid of a lot more than just sand.”

We, dare I say hiked, out into the desert at nearly nine at night, with more moonlight than sunlight. I don’t know how he decided where to stop, but after about ten minutes of walking, he just sat down.

“Okay, what the actual hell, Derek?” I asked, standing in front of him.

“Just sit down, okay?” I did as he said, and took a seat in the cooling sand next to him. Whatever he was about to say, this had to’ve been the oddest place for him to pick. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, but when I was young, I used to go to this community center in my neighborhood. There was a man there who was in charge of the place, and for most of my childhood h-he, um…” he trailed off.

I could see it in his eyes and the way he swallowed while looking down, and I immediately recognized what it was. The shame carried by a victim. I sternly whispered, “Who?”

Derek looked at me, “Carl Buford.” I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks as I stood up, storming away, “What are you doing?”

“I can find anyone,” I called back, nearly a threat. There’s not much I can do for him or for anyone else on the team right now, but this I can do. I can find that pathetic, sleezy, son of a-

“You won’t!” Derek yelled. I spun around to face him, realizing I’d traveled a healthy 50 feet from him. “He’s in prison!”

I sighed, crossing my arms. Of course he is. I marched back over to where Derek sat. When I was standing at his feet, he was looking up at me with curiosity. “You know, I’ve got people in prison, and with one phone call, I could have them-”

“Sit down, would you?” Derek cut me off. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes, trying to pull myself back together.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he cut me off.

My eyes locked on his. “I respect your strength for sharing this and being able to deal with the same type of people day in and day out.”

“Thanks,” he clenched his jaw, then continued, “One day, after nearly two decades, I finally got to put him away.” He put his hand on my shoulder, so I looked over at him. “Don’t give up hope, Aundreya. We will catch that son of bitch and bring him to justice, and if there’s anyone I know who can do that, it’s you.”

“Thank you, Derek,” I said, offering a small smile, “It means a lot.”

I moved to get up and walk away again, but Derek held me to my spot. A bit of a playful tone entered his voice when he asked, “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Uh, back to the hotel? It’s like four degrees out here.”

“It’s not that bad. Plus, it’s not like you’ll be sleeping,” he pointed out.

“That obvious, huh?” I asked. He tilted his head to the side as if to say that was the dumbest question I could’ve asked.

“After everything you’ve been through,” he shook his head, “I wouldn’t be surprised if you never slept again. Not like I ever thought you did to begin with. I mean, when Reid was in prison, did you sleep at all?”

“Not really. I usually don’t,” I shrugged.

We let the silence hang around us for a while before he laid back on the sand. “You know, when I couldn’t sleep, I used to just go outside and look up at the stars.”

I laid back with him, “Seriously?”

“Yeah, seriously. Something about it was comforting, you know? Knowing that there was so much more out there than just my neighborhood and the people I knew.” I understood that. Knowing that one day, you might be able to move on to bigger and better things than what you were going through, it was comforting. “How are you, really?”

“You just said it yourself, sleep deprived,” I only half-joked.

“You’re a lot more…” he struggled to find the right word, “Calm? Than I’d expect? I mean, yeah, sure, you’re a bit different, more on-edge and pissed off at us which I get, but overall you don’t seem that affected.”

“Yeah I should hope not. It’s not like that was my first time in a prison or my first time facing off against DeLeon. I can handle it pretty well by now. I’d honestly be more nervous had I been more affected.”

“That makes sense, but don’t discount whatever is giving you nightmares right now. Even if you’ve gone through it a hundred times, it will still haunt you, even if it’s just a little bit. Just make sure you’re managing that, and talking to people if you need to.”

I scoffed, “Yeah, I’ll make sure to talk to the team that has lost all hope in me.” I didn’t mean for it to sound that harsh, but I could see Derek flinch just slightly. He opened his mouth to say something, but I beat him to it. “I get it, though. I told a lot of lies, I wrecked a lot of things, and I’m sure you asked yourselves who was really to blame for all of this. Did Xena really deserve that? Was DeLeon really the bad guy, or just another poor soul with the misfortune of getting caught up in the Chambers tornado? Hell, I even wonder why you guys came for me sometimes.”

“Hey,” Derek jumped in very quickly, “Don’t ever doubt that. I know things are in a bad place, a lot of broken trust to go around, but don’t ever think that we’d just let you die. You still mean something to us. Some more than others.”

I knew who he was talking about and I wanted to laugh in his face. “Yeah, I’m sure I still mean a ton to the guy that doesn’t even want to be caught looking at me.”

“You do. You know, he spent every free moment he had trying to figure out what was up with you. He lost so much sleep over it that Hotch had to order him to drop it and take vacation time so he could rejuvenate.” My mouth fell agape, and my eyes went wide. “And before you ask, I’m dead serious.”

“How does Maeve feel about that, then? Especially now that I’m back?” I wondered.

“She’s supportive of him, of course,” of course, “but it isn’t paradise. We were all worried how it would be for them once they actually could see and spend time with each other. To me, it seems like all they have to connect on is their shared intellect.”

I opened and shut my mouth a couple times, trying to come with the right question. All I could land on was, “What do you think that means?”

“I think it means that things were great when all they had to talk about was genius stuff, but now that they’re together, there’s very little else going on, like no emotional or physical connection.”

I took this all in, and Derek let me, but then he asked, “But what about that Mateo character?”

I smiled a little, “What about him?” He raised his eyebrows at me. “He’s good. He and I had a thing before I joined the FBI, and we picked up right where we left off when I got back.”

“So…” Derek prompted.

“So things are good,” I bit my bottom lip and looked over at Derek.

He wiggled his eyebrows at me. “I met him, Aundreya. I looked that six foot four figure all the way up and down, and you’re telling me things are just good?”

I chuckled, “If you must know, the sex is amazing.” He laughed right along with me, but I finished with, “But we’re different people than we used to be. Yeah, we still have a really good relationship outside of the bedroom, but it’s just…”

“Different?” Derek helped. I nodded. He contemplated this for a moment and then followed with, “Why’d you come back?”

“I had to,” I answered, but I needed something more to convince him, “My ring is amazing, and I can still stay in contact with them from here, but I don’t really feel like I fit anywhere anymore. I don’t know, I guess I just thought that this was the one place where I knew for sure I was doing good, saving lives, and fighting people who deserved to be locked up. I guess I’m just searching for that feeling again.” It was meant to be a quick lie so that he’d believe my motives for coming back, but after I said it, I realized it wasn’t all that far from the truth.

He nodded, and then we spent the next half hour or so in silence, just staring at the stars out in the middle of the desert. Eventually, we packed up and headed back to the hotel, knowing that we still had a lot of work to do in the coming days.

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

We closed the case within the next two days, and were scheduled to leave the next morning. We collected our things and headed back to the hotel. Overall, the team was being civil with me. We came in, did our work, and then went our separate ways. I was okay with that. I had to be.

I crashed on the hotel bed the moment I shut the door behind me. No one was rooming with me, another thing I didn’t mind, and was about to change out of my clothes when I heard a knock at the door. I assumed it was either Hotch, Rossi, or Morgan, but when I opened it, it was a completely different mop of hair standing in front of me.

“Can I come in?” Spencer asked. I opened the door wider and stepped to the side, allowing him to brush by me. I shut the door and leaned my back against it, waiting for him to speak. He was standing fairly far away from me when he started, “I owe you an apology.” I just stared at him, so he took a deep breath and continued, “I haven’t been treating you fairly. A lot has happened recently, and instead of talking to you, I just avoided you, which was wrong of me. I know it’s going to take a lot for us to trust each other again, but you’ve already done so much for me, despite how awful I’ve been to you, and I need you to know that I appreciate you. Everything you’ve done for me, for Maeve, and for the rest of the team. I-”

“How is she, by the way?” I interjected. I don’t know what possessed me to ask, because I didn’t actually want to know, but after what I heard from Derek, I was interested in his answer.

“Oh, uh, she’s good,” he rushed. “How’s Mateo?”

I knew that was coming the moment I asked about Maeve, but I also wasn’t going to give him an in depth answer, “Good as well.”

We stood there awkwardly for a moment before Spencer cleared his throat, “Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you, I’m sorry, and I hope that we can try to just … work together like we used to?”

“Sure,” I nodded, “That would be good.”

The corners of his mouth curved up and he whispered a little ‘okay’ to himself, and then approached the door. I was still leaning against it, and I let him get all the way near me before I moved to the side. So he’s still willing to stand in close proximity to me. I wonder…

Right as he reached for the door handle, I did too, making sure our hands touched. He didn’t pull away, he didn’t even flinch, and we opened the door together.

We locked eyes for a second longer than we normally would have, maybe longer than we should have, but then I stepped back and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, yes,” he stumbled on his words a little, “I’ll see you then.”

I gave him a tight-lipped smiled and he returned it, then we went to our respective rooms, wondering exactly what that all meant.

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[niseamstories]

Tl;dr: The heavily revised physical edition Dreams of the Dying, my novel set in the Enderal universe, is now available for pre-order via Amazon via my website. Special early bird prices are $32.99 for the hardcover with an illustrated appendix, $12.99 for the paperback, and $2.99 for the eBook. It’s a prequel featuring Jespar, but, for reasons outlined below, opens up a new canon. Amazon.de has yet to pick up the listing for the physical editions, but they are incredibly slow—I’m working to get that done.

Hey guys,

This is Nicolas, the writer of Enderal speaking. As some of you may know, I’ve been working on an Enderal novel, Dreams of the Dying. First released as a web version, I spent the past year completely rewriting and improving the book, adding and removing chapters, revising characters arcs, and improving plotting, worldbuilding, and style. In total, I rewrote the web edition three times from cover to cover. Well, it’s finally time: Dreams of the Dying is now available for pre-order on Amazon!

The English version of Dreams of the Dying will release on October 20. A German (and perhaps Russian) translation will follow as soon as possible.

Please note that this is a rendering and that the actual hardcover looks slightly different, with same format but a matte dust jacket and a matte, laminated case. A big shoutout to Dominik Derow for the cover artwork, Johanna Krünes for her cover design, and Joyce, for her tips, patience, and help with this product shot.

Jaaros Oonai, magnate, visionary, and master of coin, doesn’t muse about whether the glass is half empty or half full—only about ways to fill it.

Jespar Dal’Varek, drifter, mercenary, and master of avoidance, doesn’t muse at all. He’d rather just drink the damn wine.

Two lives that could not be more different intertwine when a strange contract leads Jespar to the tropical island empire of Kilay, the wealthiest nation of the Civilized World.

The mission turns out to be as bizarre as it is lucrative: Jaaros Oonai, the country’s merchant king, knows something that could stop a catastrophe, but he has fallen into an inexplicable coma. Together with an ex-priestess and a psychic, Jespar must enter Oonai’s dreams and find this secret.

What should have been a fresh start rapidly turns into a nightmare, as Jespar slides into a spiral of disturbing dreams, political intrigue, and clashing ideals, where not only the fate of Kilay but his own sanity are at stake. It’s not long before he learns that only a spider’s thread divides the sleeping and the awoken.

And that there’s no greater enemy than one’s own mind.

The hardcover edition comes with an appendix that includes additional lore, such as an illustrated bestiary, a guide to Kilayan fashion, illustrations of the (re-envisioned) seven Light-Born, a short guide to the Makehu language, and much more.

Even though Dreams could be considered a prequel, I didn’t write this as an expansion or fan service but rather as my debut, and a book that stands on its own. This edition differs vastly from the web version, and, though it is up to you to judge, I’m a million times happier with it.

If you’re on the fence and would like to wait for reviews—here’s hoping I get enough—I fully understand. However, if you would buy the novel, you’d do me a great favor if you considered pre-ordering. One of the biggest challenges as an indie author is exposure; since Amazon registers all pre-orders as Day 1 sales, a lot of Day 1 sales would give me a chance to climb in the novel’s category and boost visibility for readers outside the Enderal community. To make this worth it to you, the book will sell for a special early bird price of $32.99 for the hardcover with the illustrated appendix, $12.99 for the paperback, and $2.99 for the eBook, as opposed to $37, $16, and $5. Just follow the link to my website and click pre-order—it will take you right to your local Amazon marketplace.

Unfortunately, Amazon.de has yet to pick up the listing for the physical editions, but they are incredibly slow—I’m working to get that done.

I’m aware the hardcover is in the upper price range, but it uses the best materials, and the illustrated appendix cost a lot to produce. It’s also the only edition where I make a more solid revenue, so see it as a way to support my work, if you wish.

If you’re a patron and pledged $110 or more since October 2018, I’ll be in touch a few weeks before launch to send out your signed hardcover copy right away. Thanks again for your support, Dreams became a far pricier project than I anticipated, and your patronage helped me immensely in covering the cost.

Lastly, a word of warning before you pre-order: For the paperback edition, I took the drastic step to separate Dreams and all future Enderal novels from the game canon. There are two good reasons for this. First, the Vyn games were created over 17 years, the earliest one being Myar Aranath in 2003. Fascinating as this idea may be, it also means that the lore of the Vyn universe was created by a myriad of different authors (the latest and current one being me when I joined the team in 2011). As a result of this, the lore of Vyn has always felt a little disjointed and inconsistent; I initially took these differences as challenges to conquer, but the longer I wrote, the more I realized how much these inconsistencies bothered me and how hard they made it to write the story and the universe I envisioned. Let me assure you that this decision wasn’t easy and does not reflect a lack of appreciation for the work of the previous workers. I stayed faithful to the lore whenever possible.

The second reason is a trickier one: Jespar. This character has been in my mind for nine years now, and I love him with all my heart. Still, the more I immersed myself in the story of Dreams, the more I grew aware of how incredibly constraining it was to write a story where the end is already written; because Jespar is alive in 8234 a. St. (1234 P.L. in new canon lore), you all know he will never be in real danger. Again, there is undoubtedly an intriguing challenge to writing such a “safe” story, but—similar to the lore, I increasingly felt like I was writing with fetters on. 

So, what does this mean? Aside from the fact that anything can now happen, the consequences aren’t that drastic. Enderal is still Enderal, and Jespar is still Jespar, albeit thirteen years younger and at another point in his life. I changed and expanded details about his backstory, but his essential conflicts are still the same, only refined. Major changes include modifications to the Light-Born (their aspects, how they came to be, when and how they disappeared, and the societal consequences of that disappearance), the time frame of the different eras, and a complete rework of the magic system. Minor changes include dates, the spelling of names and locations (Kilay, not Kilé), and others details I tweaked for consistency and worldbuilding coherence.

And that’s about it. I’m aware and grateful for the love many of you have for this world, and believe me, I did my best to honor it; I just realized I cannot tell a good story with one arm tied behind my back. If it’s any solace, I can promise you that new book canon is ironclad – I’m pathologically obsessive about consistency and cohesive worldbuilding, but without a solid framework, that’s a recipe for frustration and disaster. See it as a different but nearby eventuality: details and fates may differ, but the soul of the world remains the same.

If all that didn’t scare you off, pre-order away! I also set up a Goodreads page for the book, so you can add it to your To-Be-Reads or even recommend it to your friends – this is an indie project by all means, so I’m grateful for every bit of support. Please keep in mind that the Goodreads is for the revised edition, not the web edition, so if you’re planning to leave a low rating, I’d be grateful if you waited to read the actual book in October 20. It’s a different experience.

Last but not least, a big thank you to everyone who supported me on Patreon, created fanart for Enderal, or just let me know they enjoyed this game and were looking forward to the novel. This novel was meant to be a 6-month stint but, boy, did it turn into something more. It sounds sentimental, but this last year has been rough personally, and your support and encouragement kept me going.

I hope this story will live up to your expectations.

Best,

Nicolas

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[buddha-in-disguise]

I'm not going to review the season finale in quite the same way as I've usually written something afterwards. I'm ultra tired due to distinct lack of sleep. So it is more truncated than I'd intended. Also unedited so advance apologies if something makes no sense or is misspelled etc.

The episode was facing the challenge of not only being edited after COVID-19 shut down production, but what was intended to be the penultimate episode became the finale. So I'm trying to take that into consideration.

First part in Kara's loft. It was choppy. Don't get me wrong, I had nothing against the humour, or the scenes in general. Although they missed the glaring opportunity to place a "flew here on a bus," moment! It felt pretty disappointing they didn't recognise what has become an iconic line within the SG fandom, and made it even more iconic.

Before the bus though, back at the loft, considering that Lena had literally only just arrived at Kara's, with all that entails, it felt completely out of place for that context. Did it have been overwhelming heavy at that point? Absolutely not. But it was too close to slapstick at times for me and internally I was cringing. I admit, I'm not sure where they could've put it in, but perhaps if they'd just lowered it a fraction, made it a little more subtle a couple of times, it would've helped for me.

Some of the dialogue (especially early on) was also all over the place for me. It did get better as the episode wore on, but I wonder how much was the need to redo parts of the episode because of COVID-19? Unless they think to put an episode as intended in a future season DVD (perhaps S6 DVD), or someone gives us full details via an interview we will probably never know.

Which brought me to one piece of dialogue that I wish they'd not put in at all!

In 5.18, as I've spoken about a lot on Twitter especially, the way Lex screams into Lena's face, and Lena's flinch, and how that had been me 20 odd years ago. They then had the line as Lena talks to Kara; "Go ahead. Scream at me if you have to, I know I deserve it."

I know for many, they'd just see it as a line to use, but .... for many of us who have suffered abuse, who recognised (& in some instances were triggered) by last weeks episode, to not have acknowledged why that line was so problematic is worrying. It heavily suggests they're not going to address Lena's trauma and abuse because they really don't understand it (& again, if anyone believes she didn't suffer trauma and abuse, but accept others in SG do, go away with your bias from my page), but considering they haven't addressed much of Kara's trauma, particularly watching Argo destroyed again, being stuck for months during Crisis like they were, etc - then I guess it isn't a surprise.

But it is uncomfortable as hell to watch a line like that glossed over.

Overall though, I did enjoy the episode. Once that 1st half was over, especially (baring a few moments, including watching Alex do her badass Mission Impossible meet Cirque du Soleil moment because that was awesome) it felt much more like SG of previous seasons. So that was great.

Watching Lena as she watched Alex and Kara hug behind her was so emotional. Watching siblings love unconditionally. Something she thought she had with Lex, only to realise he hadn't changed at all. Lena didn't need to say anything, as once again Katie's acting brought all the emotion Lena was feeling to the fore.

Having Lena and Alex mirror they choice of words in regards Kara was pretty iconic. Then having Alex whisper, "Jinx." really made it work.

Seeing Dreamer in her element, including some great lines again. "I can't believe you left to fight Earth, Wind & Fire without us." "Guess they didn't take the bait? Maybe you should've been meaner?" As they begin the fight with J'onn, M'gann Alex and Dreamer - Alex to Dreamer: "You ready?" Dreamer. "Nope." Alex. "Me neither." Dreamer at her best imo.

Kelly going all, damn my girlfriend is hot & I want sex right now despite the circumstances was pretty cute and funny.

The Kara and Lena monologues being in unison. Now that was pretty amazing and one of the best parts of the whole episode imo.. But again, you feel as if they're matching Lena and Kara together with those scenes as a couple.

Lena not only protecting Kara, but stopped Andrea from going down a dark path as Acrata. Was also great.

Last frame of Lillian. Does it turn out she is the head of Leviathan? Because again they laid out more than once the leader was a woman. It has been noted several times now in different episodes. I was hoping Lena's biological mother, considering she knew of the legend of Acrata, but it is now looking more likely this reincarnation of Lillian is who it is, unless it is a character we've not been introduced to, but I highly doubt that.

The 2nd half of the episode was what we missed so much this season. In fact aspects throughout the episode were missing for too much this season.

This includes the women being the focal point of it. Brainy though absolutely rightly taking a strong subplot to what else was going on. J'onn ably supported by M'gann. M'gann who managed to advise Nia on embracing her dreams and not trying to avoid part of them. Dansen actually working together and both being badass in their own way (after all, this is something I've advocated for much of the season, & while fantastic to see, it never should've taken this long. Now where have we heard that before?)

But we still have glaring unanswered questions that I can't imagine would've been answered in 5.20.

Every indication since 5.17 is Kelly knows Kara is Supergirl. Yet we don't know for certain, because they've failed to show us how or when. I've said before, considering every other person who knows Kara is Supergirl, we had them tripping over themselves to explain to the audience how it happened. I'm pretty annoyed that we as the audience don't get given the same courtesy with Kelly. This is why so many of us feel short changed on some characters this season. The really aggravating thing is would only take a few lines to clear it up!

Now onto Alex. This ties in with J'onn. Where are they getting the money to survive? Did J'onn manage to accumulate enough over all the years he was on Earth to finance everything & pay Alex a wage? No clue.

Also, are Kelly & Alex living together? Or do they have keys to each others apartments? Yes, Kelly was at Alex's in 5.17 so the answer is pretty much yes, but nothing has been said! We knew more about Brainy & Nia's living arrangements from 5a than we do Kelly & Alex.

Kara's trauma. Lena's abuse & trauma. See above.

Lastly, the one most I know want (except a few vocally against), leaning towards Supercorp becoming canon. Again for another season, we end up with the, 'Maybe they'll do it next season.' being said. Particularly as in 5a they really went all out on Supercorp parallels to Clois and at times Dansen, plus even a little on Brainia. But unless something pretty fundamental changes behind the scenes, they're going to recognise what their biggest draw is, keep baiting but never fully go into it. And that is what I fear the most. When you've got media, even non-Supergirl fans saying it, but the show refusing to acknowledge it - that could be their legacy, and it will not look good or have a lot of fans look back kindly on them for it.

The 4 seasons it took for Lena to find out Kara was Supergirl was, in the end, terribly executed. This waxing and waning as well of; is Lena good or bad? Will she follow in the Luthor footsteps?

She is flawed. She's made some pretty awful mistakes. But now they're said she is good. She isn't evil or a villain. So now that line they've drawn needs to stay there! No more ambiguity on her character being a villain.

But you know what's not good? Feeling you can't trust the show to draw a line under that aspect of the character. That doesn't mean you have to have any one of them not be flawed, or to even cross some lines (they've all done it at some point, some moreso than others, but not one character is innocent).

When the show is now generating that level of mistrust on how they could handle future events, that is a problem.

Season 5 overall (particularly 5b) was absolutely horrendously bad. It had some moments of sheer brilliance (either individual scenes, or some episodes), but the rest was just flat out awful. Irrelevant. Messy. No cohesion. 5b became too much of the Lex Luthor show. Certain character additions were vastly unpopular and definitely caused down turns in viewer numbers (& again, from far more than a section of fandom). As did keeping Lena away from everyone for so long.

To sum up. Season 5 was a disaster.

Season 6 needs to have considerably different direction to even try & pull back some viewers (if they can at all). Distrust is rife.

The worst is no-one in the cast deserved this, especially as they're so talented. Some of the performances, even with how poor much of the season was, have been magnificent. But as the saying goes, you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear.

I've never been so relieved a season is finally over. We'll watch our favourite episodes for sure, of which there aren't many, but a full rewatch of the season we normally do will not be happening. Some episodes were better off consigned to the trash.

[paperwick]

Dragon Age Tarot Style Guide: Part Two

The second of my at least three part set of tarot tutorials. This sentence will link to the first one on composition if you haven’t seen it. It’s been a four year gap between these, and I apologize for that. To all you who messaged me and reminded me of this project, thank you. You kept me from forgetting and I’m glad. <3

It won’t be another four years until I post the next segment, which will be pattern and texture focused. It’ll hopefully be in the next month or two. 

This is going to be a long post, so I’m putting it under the cut. Apologies to the mobile users! 

As a general disclaimer, this is an unofficial guide, I’ve never worked with Bioware. All of this is based on how I approach tarot design, my inspiration being heavily rooted in Dragon Age Inquisition’s companion card designs. 

Secondly, I know nothing about tarot. I tend to use http://www.ata-tarot.com/resource/cards/ heavily as a resource for my understanding of the cards and their meanings.You don’t need to know anything about tarot to do illustrations, just have as much fun as you can. <3 

So I typically work with a color composition in mind, but for those who are struggling to imagine a color scheme, my best advice for coming up with a palette is to just throw down some colors in this sort of an arrangement.

Your Main is going to be whats forming the base of the card, or it’ll be the most widely used color. Backgrounds usually make up the main, but sometimes it’s a foreground element or the character’s clothing. 

Your Cores are going to be colors that accent the base. You can make these pretty wild to be honest, but complementary colors and triads tend to work best for a balanced color composition. That’s what you’re trying to achieve with these--balance. Think about what’s drawing the most attention. The red in this example I did with the Iron Bull is very strong, and the teal I chose is fighting with it so my last color is something a bit more desaturated that accents the teal instead of picking another aggressive color, like a saturated yellow. 

The Accent or HL color is whatever you’re going to use to add the final focus notes. It will typically be your brightest or your most saturated color, though not always. Sometimes your HL color might be the darkest of the composition because your main and core colors are naturally bright. It should be used sparingly, or if you’re using a lot of it, focused in one area.

You can use more colors than this! For my example card with Bull, you can see I made his pants a sort of subdued yellow and added accents to the background and lit parts of his body in in different colors, But you’ll want to keep your major colors limited to keep it cohesive. If you start losing cohesion, I recommend using a gradient map over your picture set to multiply or soft light (not at 100%) to tone down your most divergent colors, and you can mask out areas where appropriate. 

This Bull card is one I made by picking my colors first then deciding on the content and composition. Color picking can be done first, or second as I’ve done with the rest of my examples. 

Card #1: Rayne Amell   [ @dracoangel​ ]

The Queen of Cups

This card went though several iterations with color, and the end product is less about story and more about atmosphere. The drawn composition reflects more of the story: she conceals her thoughts and feelings, but the world bends around her like water. I wanted to add more purple to this card, considering the character’s preference for it, so I skewed the color scheme in the final to be more purple. The first version probably makes for a more cohesive palette, but it lacks the same depth and drama as the one with purple. I added another core color to the second palette, which is totally okay to do. Sometimes the core palette might be 7 colors, sometimes it’s 2. The idea is to strike a balance. Colors that are super eye catching like the red in the scarf might better serve the composition as a lesser accent, whereas the purple core is a great fill because it’s fairly desaturated and doesn’t demand as much attention.

The HL color takes up a fair amount of this composition, but note that it’s strongest in the top two thirds, and is centered in the top third. The foreground water also cradles it against one of the darkest purples of the card, which helps center focus up top.

Card #2: Valora Lavellan [  @kylorensprettymuchanasshole​ ]

The Devil

This was the most difficult of the palettes, I’m working with two separate light sources in two wildly different locations. On the one side you’re at an ancient elvhen temple, on the other, in a burning chantry. It only made sense to have two different palettes for this composition. Where I really failed here was in not having a color that bridged the two sides. If you can engineer a color to be in between two differing palettes, you’re in a good place. 

With that in mind, I revisited the thumbnail. 

The execution is a little weak, but the idea works. The bridge color could work in either of the palettes and is a midway point between the two most similar values of the core colors. It’s used primarily where the separate palettes meet each other smoothing that transition. In this instance, it also helps to define the figure and double down on where the focus is, since before it was fighting between the top left and bottom right corners. Now the focus works as a diagonal from one corner to the other.

Double palettes are hard, but can make for some truly dynamic color compositions.

Card #3: Iothari Mahariel [ @theuselesspotoo ]

Six of Swords

This card was a struggle for completely different reasons. The palette is pretty homogeneous, primarily purple, with a hint of green. This one could use far more variation, and the challenge is in driving interest with such a limited palette. This is where your values are going to be super important. Your darks vs lights are always hugely apart of composition, but in limited palettes they do the most work in driving interest. Make sure to break up some of your larger and more prominent shapes with value differences, the snow vs the dark stone beneath it.

If that isn’t enough though, there’s a few tricks that can help push focus where you want it without heavily changing the color scheme. 

We have three very distinct planes in this; the sky, the distant mountains and skyhold, and the cliff the figure is standing on. We can push the far mountain plane back by reducing the brightness of it, and we can pull the nearby plane closer by adding stronger highlights to the lit areas. I also brightened up the figure since they were getting lost in the sky a bit. 

In addition, I popped the foreground colors with just a bit more red, to separate that plane from the more bluish purple mountain plane. 

Just those small changes really sharpened up the focus of the composition, and we were able to keep the palette fairly limited. 

Card #4: Tighe Lavellan   [ @queen-scribbles​ ]

Nine of Wands

This palette was a breeze compared to the others. We’re working with complementary colors, reds versus greens, and very little divergence in either direction. The bottom half is primarily reds, the top greens, and they meet in the middle with a soft orange and harsh yellow. Palettes with complementary colors are the easiest to work with, the important part is making sure their balance works with your drawn composition because they like to fight. All of my reds are limited and desaturated because the greens and yellows, by the nature of the composition, are the most demanding elements. 

Card #5:  Lathari Lavellan [ @jisabeau​ ]

The Chariot

I knew what I wanted for this one immediately when I started it. I really wanted the character to be falling into a void, to mirror their emotional crisis when dealing with the deadly white bear of their past. But though this works fairly well as a base palette, it’s really missing the intense horror I wanted when I started. 

So in my edits I pulled them further apart, and pushed the darks even further. The challenge here is having a dual focus, since I don’t really know if either stand out enough from one another at this phase. I have to pick a focus, either the bright whites of the bear or the strong orange/green tones of the character. 

This is probably the strongest focus-wise.

But I enjoy the color notes of this one far more. 

The point here is, sometimes things aren’t perfect, and that’s also okay. Pick your favorite, or at least pick one, and take that to completion. It’ll occur to you while finishing it what I needs. Which brings us to the final point, similar to that of tutorial part one: 

Final Note: Don’t spend overlong on one thumbnail. I’ve spent days in the thumbnailing stage, that’s fine, but don’t spend more than 1 hour on any one color thumbnail drawing; it’s not worth it. If an idea is good but not great, just start a new thumbnail of something similar, and you’ll stumble onto the right composition.

Remember to explore your own color intuition. My way of doing this might be helpful, but if it’s not, don’t feel compelled to follow it. Everyone has a unique vision, and we’ve got to feel out our own paths. 

If you have any questions, send them to paperwick [at] gmail [dot] com under the heading “Color Tutorial: Questions”, OR comment on this post (I might not see them on a reblog) and I’ll pool them into one area and answer as many as I can in a separate post.

Finally, I’d like to give another shout out to everyone who sent their character breakdowns to me for this. I wish I had time to get to all of them, and I really appreciate you taking the time to put them together! Thank you all so much!

Not making promises on when Part Three will come out, but it WILL be coming out. Thanks for reading through all this, I hope it’s been helpful. 

[dltndvs]

Lee Sooyeon on first full-length album ‘you=i’, love, and her favourite Taylor  Swift song.

what’s the meaning of you=i? 

you equals to i. very grammatically incorrect, but i preferred the way ‘i’ looked over me.

is the theme of the album similar to the meaning?

yeah, actually! i can’t believe you asked-- i figured i was going to have to somehow work this into the conversation. didn’t get to how i was going to do that, but [laughs]. this album is split into the me, or ‘i’, who met love and ‘you’. it’s definitely an album about love, though it doesn’t necessarily have to be interpreted as a love story between two separate people, but also a journey to self-love.

elaborate more on the ‘you’ and ‘i’?

on the tracklist, the first 5 tracks are ‘i’-- side a, while the other 6 tracks are depicting the story after i’ve met ‘you’. the ‘i’ is definitely much more moody and melancholic than what anybody’d expect of me, i think, but it’s very much me. june actually cried when i let her have the first listen! ‘you’ is much more hopeful, and something that i think is very much needed after the ‘i’ tracks.

what’s your take on the story, and a brief explanation about each of the tracks?

as always, i want to leave enough up to the listener’s interpretation, whether it’s a love story or one where you find love within yourself.

workaholic is a new sound for me, but a challenge that i really enjoyed taking on. the mood and lyrics are more sombre than all of my previous releases, and i think the fact that it’s the lead single on my album is a little bit unexpected. i wrote this with the mindset of both lee sooyeon as well as an everyday salaryman. the song’s very straightforward. 

hard to love is actually the only song that’s really explicitly about a breakup, but it’s shrouded in a lot of self-blame. the korean title’s 나만 안되는 연애, which means a love that only i can’t have. there’s a line-- ‘it’s like i’m the only one living in a world like this.’ that i think is super heartbreaking. i actually got most of this done in one take, and when i was done with that one, someone in the studio asked me ‘who HURT you like that?’

to my youth is…i think everyone goes through times of sadness, where they need to both know that they’re not alone, but also to be comforted, and so i just felt like this was a track that very much needed to be released.

rest and as i am are both english tracks-- they both talk about wanting to be free and deciding to put down a lot of the expectations and living as you please. it’s sort of a bridge and warms you up for the ‘you’ tracks, while still being sonically cohesive. 

number 6, the grand dreams, is where it starts picking up. it’s a very warm sort of song that’s ‘as beautiful as a fairy tale’, and talks about being a main character in the story being told. the rest of the tracks are all really just about falling in love with the ‘you’ that the listener has met; whether that be someone else or yourself! 

bye bye my blue talks about loving someone so much you want to be bigger, be better for them in order to embrace them warmly, which is a very sweet sentiment to me-- the desire to change and to want to better yourself because you love someone. of course, sometimes you plateau and stagnate for a bit. your ocean’s about asking your lover for forgiveness and understanding-- to be kind to you as you work on yourself. it also reminds you about the love they have for you. 

bunny and lovelovelove are similar; english tracks that depict a love story with its own ups and downs. love’s something that always has to be worked on, and a choice you have to consciously make, whether it’s to love yourself every single day, or decide to love your significant other’s shortcomings. 

hold my hand is… yeah, it’s definitely a love song. it talks about wanting to be brave and pursue the love that you want. i think the composer of the song actually spoke more about it on a livestream.

what’s your creative process like? how was it like working on this album? 

i originally planned to release the ‘i’ tracks as a mini-album. i’d worked on the songs before, during and after my first hiatus. i was going through a really tough time, which i do… think come off in the lyrics. they’re all very personal; i actually took a few days to record ‘to my youth’, because i would just get too emotional and end up crying while in the booth. i honestly don’t think i’d have been able to do it without my best friend and producer, ash kwon. 

the ‘you’ tracks are all written, um, after september 2019? i spent a lot of my time off writing songs. not being able to sing and perform was what made me realise i wanted to do it forever, and so i just kept writing and writing like crazy. 

hold my hand was written by monroe-- the minute i was done listening to the guide, i just kind of went ‘okay, well, where are the lyrics, how soon can i get into the studio to record this?’ he’s a very talented person whose artistry i really respect, and it’s really amazing that i got to sing a song made by him. 

bunny was done in one-take in my home studio-- like, what you hear on the record’s the first take. i was just sitting down and it was not meant to be a super serious take, but for some reason, i got super into it? was reading the lyrics off my phone while i sang, and i actually was holding back laughter pretty much the entire last minute. failed very spectacularly during one of the ‘i’m your bunny’s, but it sounded good so we just left it in.

you mentioned that square (2017) was one of the first ever songs you’d written-- what’s changed in the 4 years since?

i was much younger in 2017, and when i wrote that, i was feeling very alone? i’ve always thought that i was sort of a complicated person personality-wise, and when i first started writing the lyrics, it was sort of an impossible hope for my future; to have someone be able to know, and fully understand and love me, which i didn’t think would happen. i was and still am someone who really wants to be loved, and i want to think that i’m doing my best to love and be loved now, which is really all there is to it, right?

the song was incomplete for the longest time, and it was only this year that i wrote a bridge that i actually liked enough to put into the song. my personal favourite lyrics are ‘you’re the only one who saw my yesterday, the one who knows i’m here alive, today.’ while the entire song talks about having someone who can comfort and be there for you, ‘my yesterday’ versus ‘i’m here alive, today’-- someone who’s seen the you who’s not reallty you yesterday but also the you that’s alive today and loves you just as much.

what’s your favourite taylor swift song?

new year’s day! i think my views towards love are very reminiscent in my songs. there’s a line from a show i recently watched that really stuck with me: ‘if soulmates do exist, they're not found, they're made. people meet, they get a good feeling, and they get to work building a relationship.’

it’s like, sure, there’s the glitz and glam and it’s nice and all that you’re with me when i’m the toast of the town, but to be with you in the resulting aftermath… yeah. i want someone who picks up the pieces with me. someone who stays even when we’re making mistakes, because that’s realistic, right? both the pretty and the ugly. there isn’t a perfect relationship, and i think the right person is someone who wants to work as hard as you do to build a good one.

what’s next for you?

i’d like to go home and nap. [laughs] a cold can of beer first, maybe. definitely more self-written and produced music. i’ve got a lot more up my sleeve.