#cleaning out my drafts this is like 5 months old

[grendelsmom]

I’m obsessed with how Pentiment truly manages to put the player in a position where no choice feels good and every option is so deeply trenched in doubt. Especially in act 1, also in act 2, but act 1 hits that particular angle so much harder.

And part of that is because the Baron is truly such a piece of shit. You can choose to kill Lucky, but even if he did it (which you are never certain about with any of the characters) the Baron was responsible for his pregnant daughters suicide and therefore disgrace even in death. Who could blame Lucky for hating him? You can choose to kill Ferenc, but the Baron blackmailed him due to Ferenc’s interest in the occult, which would surely get him killed by the church, and the Baron only used it to further his own gain. You can choose to kill Ottilia, but the Baron physically abused her husband and killed him in the long run. Which made Ottilia not only lose her husband, whom she loved by all accounts, but also her entire livelihood, because as a widow, she can’t inheret. You can choose to kill Matilda, but the Baron tried to rape her and physically abused her so heavily that she had to leave for months so that no one would notice. But you still have to condem one of them because otherwise, Piero gets the chop.

It’s different in act 2 because Otto is not directly responsible for the harm that comes to the suspects. But they are all just people trying their best. Hanna is at a bad place in her marriage and has, to be fair, an affair with a truly horrible man. But at the end of the day she’s trying to protect her husband and her son and the life they have build in Tassing. Martin/Jobst saw his chance after years as a bandit on the road to get away from that, to lead a better life, and he took it. He’s trying to be a good husband and a good father all while pretending to be someone he is not, but still being better to literally everyone around him than Martin ever was. And Guy is a piece of shit to quite literally everyone in Kiersau and Tassing, but that’s because he is deeply unhappy and bitter about the life he is forced to live. He can never go back home, never be around his people anymore. He’s forced to live as a monk for the rest of his life, so what he does is he steals to help and save those who can not save themselves.

And Pentiment tricks you into believing that this is a fun medieval murder mystery game where you get to play detective and takes all these hard choices and shoves their consequences in your face. There's no good outcome because it was never fair in the first place.

[grandpeachpersona]

It's A Man's World

Chapter 5 (Batter up)

a/n: To clarify, I do not own the rights to any pictures or names used in this story, except for Sierra Riley. All other rights and names belong to the NFL and MLB. Additionally, some characters are inspired by the game MLB The Show 24, which includes fictional characters. The title of the book is inspired by the song "It's a Man's World" by James Brown and Betty Jean Newsome, for which I also do not own the rights. All rights are held by Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Corp. and Unichappell Music, Inc. Enjoy!

If you had told me 10 years ago that I would be playing for the Atlanta Braves, I would have told you. You're lying, but here I am. After the draft, I had to fly to Florida for spring training, and then when that was over, I flew to Atlanta to sign my rookie contract, which is $380k for my first year plus a 2 million signing bonus. Then fly to Cincinnati for my first game for the season. Safe to say I've had a crazy couple of weeks. 

Oh and how fitting that Joe is throwing out the first pitch since its Reds opening day.  So it's really true what they say. It does come full circle. 

I walked out from the clubhouse into the away dugout. I noticed Joe in the batter's box swinging a bat at baseballs as they fired out the shooter and must I say he looked damn good while doing it too. 

Ok, time I come clean about something. Do I have a crush on my best friend Joe Burrow? Yes. Am I scared to tell him? Yes. Why? because if I do I'm going to make a complete fool of myself and I just do not want to risk that and possibly losing a friend.  

But friends don't text each other every day for random things or have late-night phone conversions like they used to when they were in LSU together. To sum it up over the last couple of months Joe and I have slipped back into our old ways and not that I'm complaining I just wish we were more. 

I noticed Joe had finished and might as well say hello. I walked out towards home plate catching the tail end of his conversation “I'm so proud of her…to watch her play in college I knew she was big league bound and now she's here.” I heard Joe tell my teammate Austin Riley, a third baseman. 

“There's the woman of the hour!” I hear Ja’marr call out as I make my way toward the group, my heart racing with a mix of excitement and nerves.

I shake my head, feeling a bit overwhelmed. “Stop! I'm done crying for today,” I reply, my voice tinged with a slight whine, reflecting the emotional rollercoaster I've been on.

Ja’marr looks at me with a supportive smile. “How do you feel? Are you ready for this?” he asks, his eyes filled with genuine concern. I nod slowly, trying to muster a confident expression despite my jitters. “I feel ready; I’m just trying not to overthink everything,” I admit, forcing a nervous smile.

“Sis, you’ve got this in the bag!” Ja’marr encourages, his voice steady and reassuring. “Don’t let them cloud your mind—just play your heart out, like you do every time.” His words resonate with me, pushing back the self-doubt that threatens to creep in.

“Ri, you’ve worked your ass off for this moment,” Joe chimes in, giving me a playful nudge on my shoulder. “You’re going to absolutely kill it today! And we just happen to have front-row seats to witness your brilliance.” His enthusiasm and belief in me fill me with warmth and motivation.

Nodding, I accept their words with a grateful smile, feeling a rush of confidence. “Thanks, you guys! That really helps. But now I have to ask: what the hell is this?” I say, gesturing pointedly at the Cincinnati jerseys they are both proudly wearing. They burst into laughter, clearly thinking they could charm their way out of my noticing their blatant team allegiance.

“Hey it was a gift from them but believe me I would wore yours if I could” Ja'marr gives his excuse. I turn to Joe waiting for his.

“I'm from Ohio.” he gives the most obvious answer—typical Joe.

------

Against all odds, Joe delivered a flawless pitch after the pregame festivities and the stirring national anthem. I could feel the excitement coursing through me—this was my moment, my MLB debut.

As they called my name, I heard Joe and Ja’marr erupting with cheers from their private suite through the crowd their support only boosted my confidence and set the stage for what was about to happen.

I locked in my focus, ready to face the pitcher. He glanced at the runner on first, then turned his gaze to me and wound up for the throw.

The pitch came rushing straight at me! I instinctively jumped back, narrowly avoiding it. “One ball, no strikes.” But that wasn’t a mistake; he wanted to rattle me. Too bad for him—I’m not easily shaken. 

I reset myself, gripping the bat firmly, ready for the next challenge. The pitcher checked the runner again and delivered another pitch.

This time, he made a crucial misstep—an offspeed pitch! I saw it coming, and without hesitation, I swung with all my power. The crack of the bat was electric, and I sent that ball soaring out of the park. A home run on my very first hit! 2-0, baby! Now that’s how you make an unforgettable debut. 

-------

We won only by the skin of our teeth 5-4. I had just changed out of my away uniform into some sweets and a hoodie when I heard a knock on my locker room door. 

“It's open” I shout, not feeling like walking to the door. 

The door opens and Joe pops his head in “Hey can I come in?” 

I waved my hand “Yeah come on” 

 He steps in closing the door behind him “Getting ready to head out just wanted to say you looked great out there today” he compliments. 

“Thanks, I had to show off a bit, you know. Oh! I meant to give this back to you, but everything just happened so fast,” I said, remembering his chain that he gave to me to wear on Daft Night. But I never did give it back to him. If I remember right, I was in my gym bag. Bingo pulled it right out. 

I went to hand it back to him be he stopped me “Keep it Ri” 

 “Huh?” I said making sure I heard him right. This boy is crazy.

Joe cracked a little smile “Keep it...believe me I've got plenty”  

I looked at him to make sure he wasn't joking “You sure cause this is worth more than my signing bonus” I joked nervously.

He smiled and nodded his head “Yeah I'm sure think of it as an ‘I knew you would make it’s gift”.

I smiled “Ok no take takebacks Burrow,” I said putting back in my bag. 

“What are you doing when you leave here?” Joe asked suddenly. I shrugged my shoulders. “It's still early so I'm not really tired. Might just chill back at the hotel. Why what's up?” I answered taking a seat on the bench.

He looks at me for a second then slightly shakes his head. “Some friends of mine wanted to go out to eat and all but Ja'marr had to leave soo…” 

“You want me to go in his place?” I finished the sentence for him. 

This is not anything new. I went to a lot of Joe's events as his plus one back in LSU. And he did the same thing for me. 

“Yeah but if you want to call it a day I understand” he quickly says.

I shake my head with a laugh “No I'll go with you, Joe. Plus it would be nice to get a breather before tomorrow's game” I said, opening up my suitcase. 

“Give me a few to get changed and I'll be right out”

Joe raised his eyebrows “You really could go in what you have on” he said nonchalantly 

Is this boy out of his mind? “Joe I'm not hanging out around people I don't know in a hoodie and sweatpants,” I said looking at him all upside his head.

“Yes, you can cause one where only going to Texas Roadhouse. Two you just finished a hell of a baseball game and have a right to wear this. And if someone has a problem with it then we can go and have our own dinner” he says the confidence just flows out as he says it.

My stomach should have not tightened up but I just love how protective this man is. Biting my lip not knowing what to say except “Alright let's go”

-------

Joe was walking me up to my room after that impromptu hangout session with his friends which by the way all amazing. 

“Yeah I'm definitely paying for this tomorrow,” I said feeling like I was ready to pop. 

Joe gives out a small chuckle “Yeah that makes two of us”  

I give him this funny look “You got time to burn it off, Joe. I on the other hand have to play a game tomorrow” I said pulling out my keycard for my room. “Fair point Far point,” Joe said not disagreeing with me

Stopping in front of my room “This is me” I said turning to Joe “Thanks again for inviting me” I said suddenly nervous as I looked at him and his features pretty blue eyes, dirty blonde hair so silky you could run your fingers through it and not get tangled. To some it up this boy was fine. 

His voice knocked me out of my thoughts “No thank you for coming. I owe you one for this Ri” 

Yeah, a date.

“What’d you say” I saw Joe's eyebrows raise..Did I say that out loud could have sworn I said that in my head. 

“I didn't say anything,” I said quickly shaking my head trying to avoid this conversation at all costs.

“Nah, Nah you said something. What did you say?” he asked stepping a little closer. Looking the other way with a blush on my cheeks “I said a date” I repeat my words still not looking a him. 

He stood there with the biggest smirk on his face “I still didn't hear what you said say it again and this time” he paused to gently grab my chin “Look at me” 

Soaked absolutely Soked straight through.

Unable to move I said it again looking straight dead in his eyes “A date. You owe me a date” 

Joe nodded his head and let my chin go “That's what I thought you said” he said stepping away from me. “Ok, how about this. If you get to the World Series which I know you will I'll take you on a date” he said proposing a challenge or more like a bet. “Ok and if I don’t,” I said waiting for the catch no pun intended. 

“Then I still take you on the date’

[horanghoe]

until it hurts a little less - part 2.II

MAIN MASTERLIST /// TXT MASTERLIST /// IMAGE MASTERPOST UIHALL [FIRST IN SERIES] /// [UIHALL - PART 2.I HERE.......]

group: TXT

pairing: Yeonbin (Yeonjun & Soobin) x Reader (Fem perspective)

genre: hybrid, angst, fluff, heavy smut, minors dni !!

word count: 39k / split into 2 posts

T/W’s : under the line

A HUGE THANK YOU TO MY FRIENDS & BETA READERS ~ Saffron & @pyeonghongrie & all of MTG and especially the furry babes: @slightlymore @raibebe @starlitmark @wooahaeproductions [extra credit for the above mb!! tysm beeeeeee] @atiny-piratequeen <3 & anyone else I have tortured with brain rot and updates

AUTHORS NOTES - Wow. Thank you everyone for your patience. This has been many many months of chipping away at a small idea to make it into a now infamous [among friend circles] 40k hybrid fic. This draft has gone through a breakup, different jobs, and different living scenarios, phew! Following from the kitty Beomgyu saga the series now dives into new and hot Yeonbin dynamics. I look forward to feedback & interest in a small cuddle pile epilogue and editing of old works to bring them up to date. Lots of love, Wren 🦝💗

Music to listen to while reading ♡ (in no particular order)

My Oh My - Camilla Cabello FT. DaBaby

Stuck In The Middle With You - Stealers Wheel

Beast Of Burden - The Rolling Stones

Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin

I Want You to Want Me - Cheap Trick

No Strings Attached (Enemies to Lovers) - Backseat Vagabond

Feel free to suggest others! :>

♡ Trigger Warnings ♡

voyeurism [aka sex in a public place], intimate scenes in an open late-night diner, a third watches with consent and an invite but is named perversive for comedic effect, submissive reader, female POV reader, AFAB reader, female pronouns & genitalia descriptives, occasional degrading words/actions with active consent, height kink, size kink, slight dacryphilia scene, crying [out of the context of sex], mention of unfulfilling ex-partners, sex in the rain(?), mention of blood, sub-mode or trusting others to make decisions after sex [safe, loving, no fear here but do need to warn], choking [mild, not to the point of harm].

hybrid content such as scenting marking and knotting; themes of possessiveness and alllll the animalistic features from that.

All of the above are willing and consenting for every party present (apart from Bangchan/diner staff). If you cannot stomach voyeurism, skip about halfway and you can still enjoy the last half of the fiction. :]

Soobin took the driver's seat - Yeonjun sat, slouched, in the passenger seat of the car as agreed - shrugging off his jacket to throw into the back seat. The fox batted it past him, above you, and onto the floor. 

Boys.

Yeonjun had to breathe from his mouth upon entering. He had hissed under his breath and thoroughly resisted the urge to growl at Soobin, instead pulling his ears back while the insanely sweet smell of your wet cunt against the leather seat underneath him from hours before, and Soobin’s natural scenting of heavy cedarwood, dampened his own much lighter citrusy one. 

Much like an animal; scents worked to establish things like hierarchy, health, sex, age and physical standing within a space, for a hybrid. 

So to enter such a heavily-marked one and lose his own presence and stature in the process was quite disarming. 

Not to mention you were ovulating and smelt like God's nectar; at peak time to be bred, which he intended to take full advantage of.

It was a relatively clean car. Actually, it was very clean, considering you had only ever been in a car with 3 other males of varying states. You didn’t particularly make a habit of it, but life had worked out so that the counter now ticked up to 5.

What you didn’t pick up on, was the air con being clicked down to low, or the burning eyes that the boys gave each other. 

Yeonjun stopped it from going lower than 1 - to flush out the suffocating smells that made his cock throb already - Soobin meanwhile, remained intent on hotboxing until everybody was marked by him. Even the fox. 

A spark flew between their eyes for a brief moment, but in the back, alone with thoughts wondering, you tried to break the silence, none-the-wiser.

“So - where are we going?” Your shaken from nerves, but positively excited voice called out from behind. 

It felt small in such a big car. 

Like you were speaking openly in a cathedral. Your voice bounced back at you and made you cringe in its wake. You weren’t sure your presence was appreciated in this space yet.

You shouldn’t talk - the nerves said. You should only listen here.

Soobin peered at you in the mirror, offering a dimpled smile. You eased, if only a little. Shoulders shrugging forward.

“Wherever you want, gorgeous.” 

Warmed at the softness in his husked voice, you bashfully looked away from the mirror. 

It had started to rain. Pat pat pitter pat. Soobin rolled his window from half-mast to completely closed and started the car. 

Gentle heat - again, hands swatted to set it to increasingly low levels until it rested at level 2; warm but not suffocating - started to blow from small vents in the lush interior doors.

“Ooo - cosy.” Yeonjun yipped happily - in amusement, but mostly sarcastically - to himself.

Soobin rolled his eyes. Quickly snatching the cigarette pack from Yeonjun's busy foxish hands and stuffed them in his door.

“No smoking in my car either, you nasty street fox. I just got it cleaned.”

Yeonjun made an offended noise, yipping something about losing his lifeline, how he never got it cleaned for him, before crossing his arms and slouching further in a pathetic display of defeat.

“You’re quiet back there.” Yeonjun shot, gruffly, to the back of the car, peering behind the seat… Like a kid who just had his iPad taken away so now he had to talk to the other passengers. Reluctantly. “You made your mind up yet where you wanna go, doll?”

Truly, it was a front. 

He was restless and wanted to move away from this place to stop the ache in his chest and cock. 

Plus, your nerves were starting to bother him. 

You weren’t innocent per se, but you were an anxious prey type in need of calming, in the most physical and overriding sense. He could taste it on his tongue - maybe not as strongly as Soobin - but he was bothered by the sourness.

Four eyes drew to you in the silence.

Two from the ceiling mirror, blown wide. Two from the seat in front pinched tight.

“I don’t - I don’t - umm…” You froze, muttering uselessly before a shrug fell from you, and you writhed your hands between your knees. 

“You sure you wanna do this, Y/N?” Yeonjun questioned, carefully, with suspiciously squinted eyes. “If you wanna pull out, now’s the time to do so.”

“Yeah, I umm -” You cleared your throat. 

Squeezing your fists between your thighs, and your thighs to your fist. 

The idea of being watched, smelt, tasted, touched by these men - it was fucking you up to the point of not being able to think.

“I’m pretty sure. Yeah, I err - I think so. Yeah.”

You puffed a breath, heart hammering against your ribs. Touching your warm face and looking down to pick at your nails. 

“I want it. You. Two. You two.”

Soobin smiled to himself. Yeonjun was going to eat you up with all that coyness on full display. Soobin found it cute but knew his friend to be a little more… depraved in his tendencies. And it's true, his friend's heart pounded as his cock did. 

Soobin was a little better at making decisions for his pets, though.

“Do you want us to pick a place, little one?” Soobin asked, voice and eyes low. “Or can you be a good pet and answer our question?”

Well, Soobin had never referred to you as his pet before. And especially not in such a soft-dom way. You didn’t know how much of an effect it would have on you. 

“I’m not - I don’t know -” You tugged a little on the seatbelt across your chest, breathless. “Can we even - can we fit in this car? Can we even do that?”

Yeonjun grinned. 

“Depends how much of a rush you’re in, doll. In the car, on the car, around it. We could go back to ours? Or tag team in a hotel. Break back on the hood. And we can’t get you pregnant - as much as we’d love that - so it’s not like we need to go anywhere first. All depends on you, gorgeous.”

You shot him a glance. Only a very quick one. A bad idea for you. 

The fox had turned on the console to face you. His eyes were a burning orange, like the outside of his ears, the black in the low light swallowed by the dimming evening. He was beautiful, asking you a question, staring at you directly; and you were stunned.

You instantly shot your chin to your chest, shaking it. Forced to squeeze your hands to the seat to calm yourself against the blood pumping in your ears. 

You forced yourself to speak. Imploding at the pressure.

“The cars good!” You squeaked. “I just - I don’t know where!!”

Yeonjun laughed fully, small chitters sounding. He shuffled to sit upright and turn back into his seat, only to slide down just as Soobin slipped into gear and began rolling out onto the main road, away from the diner.

“Good job baby.” The dog grumbled, concentrating on driving. “Don’t worry, I know a place.”

“We know a place.” Yeonjun corrected. “Get comfy pet, it’s a bit of a drive.”

You puffed out a huge exhale. Lungs burning and dizzy as you melted into the seat. 

It took mere seconds for Yeonjun to note the shaking of your skin against the cool leather. 

He tugged Soobin’s jacket up off the floor and placed it on you with a wink. Before removing his outer sweater without a word, but patting it over your lap as you gratefully held it over the goosebumps. 

Surrounded by them.

Bathing in the calm, before the storm.

“We’re here,” Soobin announced to the group, after a solid half hour of fast-winding mountaintop driving between trees and sea. “Still raining. No one here as usual.”

You had pulled into what seemed to be a campsite parking lot. Probably only used in the summer; as parking wasn’t charged during the winter, according to the big red signs against nearby trees.

“You ready beautiful?” Yeonjun had smiled, his head back against the seat and watching you as you looked out the window. His voice was low, ears dipped along with his eyes. “Still nervous?”

You were nervous, but fighting it to the best of your ability. 

“Yeah - I am, a little. I’m not sure why. I trust you though, just… Something has me on edge, is all...”

Yeonjun's tongue went to the corner of his mouth in a smile.

He knew why. You were stuck in a confined space with two predators. One of them had already smothered his scent glands in your neck all evening. The other, more orange one, was aching to do the same.

He found it adorable that you hadn't yet joined the dots; or got to the stage of understanding your instincts.

“Well, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough around us to do this. ‘Bout time for you to come sit in the front, hmm?”

Your body flushed with heat, chin dipping. Yeonjun yipped a small harmless laugh. He leaned over the console with his languid torso to catch your downcast eyes.

“Come on. I don’t bite sweetheart.” He smiled. “Not a fan of breaking glass, after all. Come on, it will be fun. We stop whenever you want. Alright?”

You nodded, bracing yourself for the cold and wet sky with a puff of air before diving out the door on the driver's side and running around. The boys both clicked their seats back, and as the cold air hit his body Yeonjun held open the door and wilfully manspread to allow you room to climb over him in the space.

Although it was a little awkward to fit; you managed to bend at an angle and shuffled into the front passenger seat atop Yeonjun with altogether surprising ease. Your head hadn’t even hit the ceiling yet. Nor had you crushed the male beneath you as you feared you might. 

Then again, this car was rather tall. And long.

For a moment you were still rushing with the adrenaline you felt in the back seat. But very quickly, you realised what position you had found yourself in - agreed to, suggested - and you flushed hot under the skin.

The door closed with a clack. And suddenly there was no more room to breathe.

Within an instant, you became wary of every single movement. 

You weren’t in the safety of your comfy back-view anymore. 

No. 

Now, you were face to face with the fox. Your knees pressed to the seat between his legs, snug between the thighs that stretched taut from the pull of his crotch. He was tall, even when laying down. 

You weren’t sure where to put your hands. Or where to look. You placed them on his chest, on the seat; either way was suffocating-ly close. As you wavered above him, Yeonjun smirked. And lifted in his reclined position, cornering you on the roof of the car with wide eyes and a racing heart.

“You smell like a bunch of nerves, gorgeous. I like my cherries sweet before I eat them.”

It was a statement, not a question. And a provocative one at that. His breath washed over your face and you weren’t sure where to look. Your lungs burned from such tension until you could do nothing but stare down into his chest. 

“Breathe, Y/N.” A deep voice rattled beside you. “You’re okay.” 

You inhaled quickly, gasping some short breaths at Soobin's command. 

His eyes were dipped. And he was palming himself through constricting jeans. Your chest squeezed at the thought of him jumping your bones. And while you weren’t aware of it, the guys had started to ground you in more unfamiliar ways.

“Thank you, Binnie.” You mumbled, thankful, if a little dizzy. Still unsure where to look.

As you turned to the driver's side to thank the Pinscher, Yeonjun took aptly the opportunity to ease you into him; and found purchase on your skin. 

“Come here, my skittish little Doe.”

At first, you did resist. Mostly out of nerves.

But it soon became impossible. His pull was intoxicating; and you wanted them both, regardless of the nerves fluttering in your belly.

Yeonjun's tongue swirled hot and heavy against your ear. Biting and sucking at the soft skin of your jawline. And the moan that fell from your lips as he licked and sucked a hickey over the one he had placed before was carnal. 

It provoked a weakness in your knees that caused you to fall onto him. Like a dove falling from flight.

He caught the curve of your ass with a strong forearm, flexing his thigh to keep you up and sitting on top of him, knees pressing into the console. Your mini-skirt had pulled up high and you were just about keeping your eyes open.

Soobin groaned; infatuated with how quickly Yeonjun had pulled you apart at the seams.

“Pretty deer; no wonder you’re so scared of me.” Yeonjun purred into your skin, catching it between his teeth, “I couldn’t get this close to you in the diner. You've been smothered by a wet. Fucking. Dog.” 

Soobin growled protectively. And curled his lip in distaste. 

"Good. If you don't like it, you should scent her."

"Working on it." Yeonjun grit back.

Yeonjun licked a stripe up your neck in repeated slow lengths until he landed on your pulse. 

When you moaned and he felt the pump pump against his tongue muscle; he grinned wide, testing with a soft suck. You keened, almost breathless, and gripped onto his arm for support. 

“Found it.”

For a split second; you panicked. Aware that he could bite into and tear out your jugular with ease as such a fine specimen of a hybrid. 

Instead of his grip on your stomach growing tight, he simply gripped the hair at the base of your skull, guiding you back until your neck was revealed.

Yeonjun wasted no time in babying you as the pheromones hit his nose; instead, he set to work and nursed a newer bruise over the one already blooming behind your jaw; trailing down to your shoulder. 

He paused to lift your arms, gripping them gently to drag your small shirt off and wrap an arm over the curve of your back; secure and grounding. While he palmed at your chest with his free hand; hard nipple making you flinch as he rolled it over his palm.

You felt a little uneasy but tried so badly to ignore it. Reaching for his hand and linking your fingers. “Relax, baby ~” He purred into your ear; licking and biting at your jawline until your cunt throbbed, jaw slack and eyes fighting the close of ecstasy. “You’re so safe ~”

He considered for a moment what it was he was doing. 

What it meant for him, to scent you.

But just as quickly he dismissed his doubts; pushing the crown of his head and his ears against your throat and chest while he gently chittered. Rubbing his cheek onto your hot skin and over your shoulders. His eyes closed, and he was so gentle for you that it made your heart ache. 

Relaxing slowly into him; you slid your fingers into his hair to hold him there and rest your face on his hair. He hummed; running his lips over your collarbone. And chittered at your exhaled sigh, pulling back to see your face.

He was pleased with what he saw.

"Feeling better gorgeous?" Yeonjun checked in, dotingly. 

He swiped a hair behind your ear and neck to leave sharp-toothed kisses in his wake. He was becoming a little more messy with his kisses, now that he knew you could handle it. 

“A little more relaxed? Less on edge? Less afraid of me?"

You moaned a soft nod, accepting the kiss from the corner of your eye. "Mmhmm…" You groaned. And rested your forehead on his. 

“Junnie ~,” Yeonjun practically purred at your breathy moans, nose and lips still pressed against your skin. “I feel so much better.” His arms drew around your back, pulling your belly flush to him while he held you.

Your bodies were warm together, and the air hung thick like fog on a wet stormy day to the point that you had to open-mouth breathe just to get some air into you. Not to mention your brain felt like mush. And the windows - they were fogged thick.

“F-f-f-fuck -” You managed. 

You groaned softly and tried to shake the haze out of your mind. But it didn’t seem to budge. 

“What is this-? How did the two of you-? When-?”

You couldn’t formulate the words. But it was okay. He knew what you meant. Knew that you were asking about the heaviness in your lungs. The aching you had probably started feeling. The deep throbbing in your cunt that wet your thong at an abhorrently fast pace.

“Scented you, angel. Like Soob said; it should help with the nerves.” Yeonjun faux bit at the spot; canines scraping at your skin as he sucked tactfully. You moaned, keening towards him. 

He released all too soon; “Now both Soobin and I have a share. And you shouldn’t feel so anxious near me. Maybe even -” 

You were sure if the devil could speak it would be through the lips of Choi Yeonjun.

“- you should relax. Let me take care of you, doll.” 

Yeonjun smirked, a tooth caught on his bottom lip. He didn’t need to hear you speak, though he gave you a moment to try. The silence answered him plenty. Your legs had started to rub together for something to touch your throbbing cunt. And a hand soon found purchase cupping you over your underwear, hard-on pressed to your ass and thigh after the fox angled his hips upward.

You moaned, watching as Soobin's eyes drew to the hand slipping beneath your skirt. Before holding Yeonjun’s arm that pressed a palm against your core. You pressed down against it gratefully; sighing at the pressure that struck pleasure within your bones. 

“Junnie-” You found yourself moaning openly, with no shame in sight. Just as they liked. You whimpered for more.

Yeonjun's arm flexed in response; long fingers pressed at the wet fabric of your opening over the fabric of your underwear; only to slip his hand down further, then drag the edge of his palm back up; lip bit and watching your face as you pooled into his body. Your eyes had squeezed shut, mouth agape and moaning openly. 

“God, you’re so pretty.” He groaned, meeting the dazed eyes that turned to him. 

Your whole body practically twitched when he dragged up your clit. Cupping the jaw that reached for his face, the kiss instantly matched in intensity while you scrambled to find purchase. He pulled his hand down to drag upward and press against your clit again, and your moan caught in your throat.

“Kiss me, pretty girl.” He purred, small yips sounding from his chest. And so you did. Moving to place your forearm on his chest, meeting him for the deepest kiss yet. Encapsulated by him, until you parted and drool pooled onto his shirt. 

Yeonjun wiped your mouth, before grabbing you again, right as he pushed up hard against your cunt and dragged. You cried out, moaning into the kiss and gyrating on his palm.

Soobin was ready to burst. But God he loved you far too much to bust just yet. Instead; he did the next best thing. 

The zip and release pop of the popper that sounded beside you snapped you out of the kiss; Yeonjun tugged you up and manhandled you to press against your belly; ass to his crotch, your back to his chest and mouth attached to your neck. Small in his hold.

Soobin groaned, his lips twitching and ears pulled back. Finally, he sighed. His hand wrapped firmly around the base of his cock, releasing from the jeans with a few firm pumps. Lip bit and head rolling back with a firm groan. 

At the same time; Yeonjun's palms gripped and massaged your chest. Teasing your nipples with gentle then heavy drags.

His nose prodded at your cheek as you squirmed, forcing you to look at Soobin - as if you hadn’t been maintaining tension for what felt like hours already. 

“Sit pretty for me doll.” 

Yeonjun chuckled in a husk into your ear; sweat beading on his forehead at the struggle - both at the attempt to maintain control and the bicep strapped over your hips to keep you from moving - biting at you with a tongue-pressed devilish grin. His other hand moved to press down on your pubic bone. Not close enough. A lick into your ear made you moan. 

Soobin thrust with a deep groan into his fist, thighs tensing and in his own private mental arena. But your head had begun to throb. And it coincided with every pump of his cock. You would have put together the pieces, were it not for you being deep into a foggy mindset.

Not that you had any complaints. This felt good.

“Binnie -” You moaned aloud and at length with an open mouth, head thrown back from Yeonjun's heavy petting into the crook of his neck. 

The boys smirked. Particularly Soobin. 

Nothing could have prepared you for the impression felt as his dimples pressed his cheeks and he shook his hair, tongue caught in the side of his mouth. 

Being a young hybrid in his prime, a true example of health; his power in the car combined with Yeonjun's made your brain and cunt throb desperately. 

“Open the window, you Dog,” Yeonjun smirked at his friend, playfully twisting your nipple between his fingers; pressing his cheek and nose to your jaw. “Be careful or you’ll end up flushing her out.”

You had heard that term before when speaking to a nurse about hybrid females. When they’re scented to the point of their own temporarily disappearing, a hybrid becomes infatuated and malleable. Their equivalent to a sub-space.

Soobin's dimples deepened. “Good.” And set pace. “I want our little pet to feel it in her guts when I cum.”

He lay back, with his fist wrapped around his base and the other holding his balls, to thrust with grunts at the fastest pace you had maybe ever seen, tongue caught on his teeth. 

He was doing it to make a point. To show you that the pressing presence you had been feeling on the edges of your being, was very real. That if he wanted you to come, you would. If either of them wanted you to fall apart, they could make it happen.  

A wave of carnal desire; a pure hunger you didn’t know you were able to experience; overcame you so suddenly and so violently that your bones started to shake. Never had you been this eager to fuck. Didn’t think it was possible. 

“Wa- fu- fu - fuck, please, I wanna cum, I wanna cum so bad -” You just about cried out in plea to the fox; grip on Yeonjun's bicep under your arm almost painful.

Quickly, Yeonjun slipped a hand into your panties - using a small apology of ‘sorry, I guess forget the warmup’ and slipped his gifted-ly long fingers to slip 2-thick in a curl up to your belly, the edge of his palm swiping over your clit delightfully heavy - and reached for the window with the other, slipping it down halfway.

It didn’t take Soobin long to cum.

The sound of Yeonjun's hands slapping sloppily, palm-to-soaked-cunt, and your debauched and corrupted moans and whimpers, along with your exposed chest from all your writhing, sent Soobin on a spin. Cock thick and leaking from beginning to end.

You weren’t doing too good yourself. 

In fact; you were doing amazing.

Placated only by Yeonjun yowling gently, holding you to him and shushing against your neck. He did his best - aka, the best - to ground you. He chittered at your needy, dumb-fucked mind. Allowing you to sit up to thrust down onto his hand.

The smell of rain began to enter the car; the concern of dampness flashed across your mind before Soobin moaned.

“Ah - fuck, Y/N - fuck - you feel that?” He was near his peak, and Yeonjun couldn’t stop himself from biting his lip to moan as you essentially got yourself off on his fingers; over his long cock snug up between his jeans and your ass. 

You nodded, desperately grinding for a release, tears wet in desperation on your cheek. 

“Fuck - gonna come baby girl. You want it? Pretty girl wanna come? I could wait -”

“I want - I want it - wanna - cum - want - it-” 

The final begging pushed him over the edge. Humping atop his friend like a rabbit.

Soobin groaned, hips stuttering into three more solid pumps as you squeezed your legs shut, lying back without breathing as Yeonjun pumped his fingers as a curl with loud slaps until your cunt dripped white on his jeans. You cried out at the exact moment Soobin came in his fist, tears on your cheeks and fist white on Yeonjun's arm. Not unlike the endless amount of cum that spat from between Soobin’s knuckles, onto his legs.

If there’s one thing you did know; it’s that when hybrids cum, they cum a lot.

Your body was hot. Hips twitching and mind spiralling. Your cunt squeezed Yeonjun's fingers until they were taken out, circling the entrance until you whined, a big glob of a tear falling down your cheek in ecstasy.

“Well done, you did good,” Yeonjun hushed you. 

You didn’t react, head dizzy and grip weak. 

You flopped down onto Yeonjun's chest, willingly, to pant like you had just run a fucking mile. 

"Ngh - Junnie -"

"Take it easy, gorgeous. Catch your breath."

Both your foreheads knocked together into his kisses to bathe in some love as you recovered, head buzzing and cunt full. Eyes closed and breathing shallow. 

Soobin's movement flickered Yeonjun's ear against the seat, whooshing air into your face. He had been quiet; observing.

He grabbed, messily, a fistful of dry wipes to clean his hands with. Never particularly keen on his own cum ending up on his lips.

“Stupid mutt.” The fox hissed, still nuzzling your hair. Listening to your puttered moans and sighs. “Hope you feel better after that? Almost flushed her out completely. Then how would she of fucked? Poor thing. How do you know she even wanted that?”

Soobin peered over, post clarity striking some guilt into his chest when he was met with the vision of your fist curled into your lips and face hidden onto his friend's chest.

The rain picked up enough for Soobin to roll up Yeonjun's window from his side.

The dog scoffed, and flipped the band of his boxers back up over his cock, for the meantime. He adjusted in his seat, stretching his upper back and jaw. Satiated. Rolling his neck back on the headrest to glare, eyes low, into Yeonjun.

“She wanted it. Trust me.”

He ruffled his fringe, in the pulled-down front mirror, eyes meeting yours to the side.

“Didn’t you gorgeous?”

He tilted his head at an angle, ears flopped to the ground. He squinted at you, gauging your mood. Smile careful.

You smiled against your fingers. Instantly matched by the tongue at the corner of the hound's mouth; dimples deep as he leaned back into his seat. 

"See." Soobin chuckled. Tongue to the edge of his smile. "Baby wants it, hmm? Wants her mind to be fucked until she feels like jelly?"

You nodded. And smiled behind your hand as wide as Soobin did.

Yeonjun's glare softened and he chittered gently when you rose; elbows to his chest.

“What are you up to; pretty Doe?” The fox purred. Playful suspicion was written all over his face, tail curling around your knee. Ears back.

But you just bashfully blinked your wet eyelashes at him; and held his shoulders to grind down slowly; at the exact same time as you kissed him and pulled away. You did it again. And again, and again. Each slow, heavy drop paired with a messy, dragging kiss.

Yeonjun groaned loudly, tongue to his gum in annoyance. A muscle in his jaw ticked; a reaction you had never seen from him before. 

You rested your weight down to grind in quick motions; wetting his lap as his fingers dug into your thighs.

His eyes squinted, pupils thin as slits. 

Yeonjun gave you a sore and open-palmed warning swipe up and against your thigh; hissing at you through grit teeth.

“Keep teasing me and you’ll get a bite on your throat, dumb little pet.” 

His sharp, low voice made you smile; you were enthralled. Nerves tingling like electricity beneath your skin.

Claim marks were permanent issues of trust; a literal bite into one's skin. The idea of leaving one so obviously front-facing was abhorrent and filthy, and it suited him.

You smiled against your hand, giggling. Biting at the knuckle of your ring finger as he bucked up. Soobin smiled at you lovingly as you fell into Yeonjun's chest; cunt pressed to his crotch. He held your hips there for a moment; biting at your exposed shoulder, keeping you giddy and scent-high as he tactfully shuffled his jeans down; no underwear in sight as you bit your lip.

“You ready to get fucked dumb, our precious little fawn?” Yeonjun mumbled, then kissed your cheek; not opposed to your face hiding from him. Nose in your hair. Palming your ass so that your slick covered his cock and your thong caught between skin.

You couldn’t stop grinding; clit rubbing against his large cock and coating his length in slick. Breath small and panting. Your nipples were so sensitive between his pinched fingers; the back of your neck tingling with warmth.

“Junnie - Yes - Want it -” You moaned, eyebrows low and knuckles in your mouth, consumed. Relying on him completely.

A hand gripped your scalp; your head was tugged backwards.

“Mind if I take those panties, pet?” Soobin smirked. "Just need to do a little health check." 

The hand belonged to Soobin.

He didn’t actually want them; nor was he entirely bothered by your seemingly okay health - at least at first - he just wanted to see you shy away. 

He was getting hard again already; seeing you manhandled. And released your hair upon your nod.

He really could do a health check anyway, so what was the harm?

You nodded, moaning as Yeonjun sucked at your nipple; “Here -” Yeonjun mumbled, and gripped under your skirt from behind to begin tearing at the fabric. It took three solid rips to unhook you; soaking fabric caught by Soobin with a slop. 

Immediately, his face buried into it. You shivered at the air that hit your cunt; aware that the two of them were gifted, but surprised by the length that met you as you ground down again.

A deep, guttural growl rattled the seat beside you. And the vibrations made your muscles ripple; hips lifted via Yeonjun's grip on your waist alone; cock swiped against your dripping thighs and entrance before pressing up and into you. 

You lost your breath immediately; choking on moans as the head of his cock pressed into your warmth, a deep stretch and ache pulling towards your belly as Yeonjun sunk your hips patiently; head back against the headrest and eyes barely open.

“You better fuck her deep, and slow,” Soobin growled; eyes blown fearfully wide and teeth grit. Nose firmly inside the dripping fabric gripped in his hand; “Little fawn came to us for help on her first rut season.”

"I knew it." Yeonjun groaned. Gritting his teeth to speak. “She’s been sick and needy the entire day.”

It’s true; you had been. Fiending for attention. Grasping at them whenever you could. Burning up from beneath the skin. Sick with lust.

You sat up more; whimpering as Soobin's growls caused your entire mind to fuzz over; leaving little resistance to Yeonjun's thick, curved cock to tilt, slick dripping down his thigh. By the time you sat to the hilt; you were practically drooling.

“Stupid kitty didn’t even tell you it was happening, did he, gorgeous?” Soobin snarled. You shook your head quickly, whimpering. 

“It - we fucked through the first one, but - he said - it might come back -”

The fox wrapped his arms around your waist and held you against him with impressive strength. Pulling you to sit up higher than before. 

Yeonjun was snug in your gut, but neither wanted to proceed before checking in with you first. 

His heart pattered at the thought of you coming to them for help. More selfishly him. 

“Do you feel sick at all?” Yeonjun asked; voice incredibly gruff; holding you still. You eased into his arms; elbows over his shoulders and hands in his hair. “Any pain? Anywhere?” 

“No, Junnie.” You whimpered; shifting as he pressed a kiss to your collarbone. “I just feel so needy -”

The dog chuckled. “No wonder you've been smelling like a fucking candy shop, angel.” 

Yeonjun groaned, gripping you even closer with his biceps. “Quit squeezing me so hard for a sec doll; this is important.”

You closed your eyes, breath laboured and a warm pleasure seeped into your stomach. But you tried your best to listen and relax, for him.

“Soob - please take over. The babe’s cunt is squeezing me so tight I can't think straight.” 

Yeonjun pleaded; tone tight while he spoke.

“You’re in good hands now. Just try and listen carefully, okay?” He whispered, before sighing and burying his face into your chest. Holding on with every fibre in his being. You rested on top of his head; thumbing at the inside of his soft ears. Fuzzy and warm at his beautiful scent being so close to your face.

The dog held the underwear to his face one last time on a solid inhale before moving it only the slightest bit away.

“Do you know anything about Doe rut cycles, Y/N?” He questioned. Low, calm. 

Of course, you shook your head. And Soobin growled.

Soobin grew annoyed. Annoyed that he had to explain something so vitally important while you sat there so pretty; full of cock and trying your best to listen. Annoyed now that Beomgyu’s selfishness had reached beyond their initial sphere of influence. Annoyed that his friend had truly done the bare minimum to care for you, through the transition and out the other end.

“I’m sure you and Beom fucked recently, right?”

You moaned wistfully; a yes. 

“And it felt good; maybe better than ever before?”

“Y-yes Junnie…” You whispered, gasping as Yeonjun adjusted in his seat.

“Good job paying attention, gorgeous.” Soobin chuckled gently and grumbled a content growl. You were really trying; despite your body likely being furnace-heat and mind full of nothing but the want to be full of cum. You openly moaned at the praise.

“But it wasn’t enough? No matter what; you just couldn’t hit that spot?”

Another nod. Bashful, this time. Soobin's mind wandered, briefly. Images of you unable to satisfy yourself; no doubt sniffed out by such an incompetent fool. 

“Right. It only gets triggered once a year for you, thankfully. But a Doe’s cycle will repeat until they feel bred enough. You’ll feel like this until you get fucked dumb, little fawn. And you want it, don’t you angel? Want Junnie to come in you, fuck you slow - want me to plough you until you can’t feel those legs anymore, hmm?”

Yeonjun was, at this point, smiling in humour against your skin. Wicked in mind as your body struck the hottest he’s felt yet. Cunt tight and like a furnace around him. You were breathless. And you nodded with urgency.

“Yeah - I do Binnie, I do -”

The dog chuckled, fabric back to his nose. 

“For that kind of fucking; well… You’ve come to the right hybrids.” 

Yeonjun smirked. “Damn right.”

“That want you have, that pulsing desire seeps off of your body until one of us smells it.” Soobin groaned; fluttering his eyes shut for a second, before continuing. “The reason we would want to place a claim on such a pretty little thing. Is so you don’t get hurt. Or hunted. It’s a bond more permanent than love, Y/N. And a massive step to take.”

“I know -” You moaned; eyebrows creased. Yeonjun peered up; placing soothing biting kisses to the scent-marks on your pulse. He was becoming sensitive to your unease. “- I want it badly, Binnie. Want you both, Binnie… Wanted it since April… Since last year…”

Last April - when you had been turned. That meant that the connections between you all; had indeed been deeper than a crush. Soobin puffed a sympathetic whine. He felt your need, as much as Yeonjun did. Sharp ears dipped low.

“Since last April, sweetheart? You’ve been waiting on us all that time?” The dog mumbled, his voice dipped in a vulnerability that was as rare as gold to see.

“Mmhm…” You nodded desperately; eyes watery as your emotions dipped out. Yeonjun nuzzled you; arms tight to not tease any movements; ears folded the entire time. And you held onto his strong shoulders. “I- I love you both...” Overwhelmed by the emotions that you - all - had buried and tucked away for months. So desperate to move you felt dizzy. Slick now seeping down Yeonjun's thighs and onto his seat. 

Soobin watched you for a moment. It was so obvious now that he felt a fool. 

“You ready to make that kind of commitment, June?” The Doberman whispered, softly. “It's sudden. We don't know if it'll work out.”

“Like nothing before.” The fox confirmed; teeth grit in concentration. “It will. We'll make sure of it.”

“Good. You’ve got us both, little fawn. As long as you want us.”

You felt like crying. Ready to burst at the seams. Panting.

“Please Binnie… I need to cum… Please…” 

Soobin laughed, coming back from his mental distraction; “Good job. You can move now angel.”

It didn’t take you more than a second to start moving. 

You were simply stuffed full; head full, mouth agape. Shifting; grinding; cunt tight and heartbeat strong against Yeonjun’s cock. Your puttered sighs grew desperate as he simply held you upright. Allowing you to ride out the need for friction.

Every lift and grinding down of your hips was small in movement; more for you than him. But your cunt was flexing tight and a warmth in your muscles told him exactly how soon you were going to cum.

“So soon?” One, sharp, angled orange eye glared up at you from the nose pressed to your skin. You felt exposed. Like he could see through to your guts. 

He lifted your jaw to kiss under your chin, grip still solid on your hips. 

“Precious, needy, little cock-dumb fawn ready to burst already?”

“Yeah,” You nodded, moaning with a gasp and warmth spreading through your stomach and thighs; eyes closed and melting into Yeonjun as he curved your back with his forearms; nuzzling at your chest. 

“I need it, I’m s-so full -” You gasped, fingers gripping his shoulders as he held you down; jaw wide and sharp points against your collarbone. “Please, Junnie, feels so good -”

The fox purred, and you gasped a moan, a shiver striking down your spine and a tightness spreading through your pelvis. He had dipped; before thrusting a minimal amount.

“Come apart then, gorgeous.” He hissed, encouraging your hips to grind down on him. And you really were so, so close.

But you were holding out on him. He could tell. 

“What is it? What do you need?”

You moaned at his gruff voice; “Want a mark Junnie… Please, I need it - I want to be yours - want to be Binnie’s - please Junnie, I love you -”

Yeonjun's ears peeled back before his lip curled and irises pinched. He looked feral. Soobin nodded at his friend's side-eye for permission; granted in trust that you were a prize to share. You were warbling but stopped as soon as Yeonjun faced you. 

His look was wicked. 

Adrenaline washed over you and you pushed down until you were full of stars spattering pleasure into the back of your vision. Yeonjun kept your skull in his perfect position.

It was clear the fox was about to stick to his promise.

“Scream for me, little Fawn.”

Your breath caught as Yeonjun dove forward and his canines sunk into the middle of your neck; at the front of your throat. With experience; he had skillfully avoided piercing your jugular. 

Even Soobin tensed for a moment, but ultimately gripped his cock and groaned at the blood that split like rivers on his friends' gums; jaw locked and arms encircling your shaking form. You gripped his scalp and wide shoulders in a wicked embrace and cried out; pain muddling with ecstasy as you came hard, cunt pressing against the length inside of you; shaking, moaning, mind striking white.

To no surprise at the intensity of your orgasm; Yeonjun came as well. Very quickly you felt his cock pulse and he groaned, moaning loudly, holding your hips to jut up into you. He released thick cum in three intense loads; forcing you to move as you orgasmed, sounds lewd and wet inside the car.

Yeonjun pressed filthy wet licks to your exposed throat with a slack jaw, wide tongue and sharp lower teeth digging into your skin. There was quickly drying blood on his teeth and a wild look in his eye. But he was in control; and helped you ride it all out.

You were full of cum and slick; tensing your cunt just to see it push out over his cock and move to fuck it back in.

Your eyes pressed shut and your moans grew loud and broken. A fuzzy warmth spread through your back and thighs until you melted; burying your nose into Yeonjun's hair as he released his hold on your hair and buried his face into your chest.

He embraced you, like a hug.

Soobin growled softly, in love, once Yeonjun had eased - the bond was secured now you were smothered in his scent; nose to his scalp bringing a new sense of comfort - happy to be a part of this new unity. Your eyes fluttered open and you could do naught but make small moans. 

Yeonjun pulled away only once you did; meeting your forehead with his.

The dog hummed, patiently.

“Feel good gorgeous? To finally be stuffed full? Pretty Kit making you cum? Pretty baby-like being claimed?” 

You nodded with a moan, expression bliss-fucked, though a frown settled over your brow.

“Mhmm feels good Binnie…” You mumbled, eyes closed. But your eyebrows were drawn low.

“What is it? You don’t look convinced?” Soobin smiled, with a slight scoff. “I don’t enjoy your silence.”

You shook your head, unable to form the words. It was a warning. But Yeonjun knew. 

His nose trailed up your throat as he released the iron grip on your waist; holding you as you shook. Nose snug under your jaw; he pulled your hips forward then back to slide across his length.

“Ngh - Ah - It feels - like my skin is on fire - ”  

Your tone made Soobin look at his friend with concern. It was a moan of discomfort, and you seemed twitchy.

Truthfully you wanted to hump Yeonun like a rabbit, and you cursed the Gods for giving you such low stamina. If you thought it would have done you any good; you would’ve started panting like a bitch in heat. Oh wait, you were. 

“- my skin is burning, I’m so hot -”

“Our little fawn is in a deep rut,” Yeonjun purred. Protecting you from the dog's mood and accepting the soft knock of your head to his. He kissed your cheek and the corner of your lips delicately.

“Gyu didn’t fuck you well enough at all, did he, pretty girl?”

You shook your head and whimpered.

“She’s burning up,” Yeonjun confirmed to the dog. Tone kind, low, mute. “It’s good you invited me when you did. I don’t think one of us could have ever eased this.”

“The rut?” Soobin grumbled; a nod from the fox confirming the dog’s thoughts as they kept constant tabs on you, now they knew what was at stake. Your body and mind. You were no longer in a state to make decisions; in the most loving sense. And you trusted each other as a trio, entirely.

“When did you last sleep with him, baby?” Yeonjun mumbled, gaining your attention with pinched eyes and words spoken against your lips.

“Last month…” You managed; slurring with a heavy tongue.

"Did he make you cum?" Yeonjun purred; sharp orange eyes unmoving in your vision. 

But you were distracted by his guidance to slowly slide on his cock.

“Pay attention, baby - did he help you feel good?”

"No…" You whimpered. Shaking your head. And you hid your face in his shoulder. Weak. Sensitive. Embarrassed. So needy.

The dog hummed in thought.

“Well then - probably some built-up tension, considering how much slick is on your legs, Jun.” 

You both peered down. Soobin was right. Yeonjun’s thighs were soaked, as if a bottle of lube had dropped out of the heavens and onto his lap. The thicker slick had started mixing with Yeonjun's leaking cock; the pulsing of his head warning of an upcoming knot and squishing the mixed fluids out of you and onto the leather.

“My new seats… You guys are killing me.” The dog sighed, squeezing the fist around his cock with a loud groan.

“Do you want to cum again, love?”  Yeonjun prompted, nuzzling at the cheek that shied away from him. “Fair warning; I’m gonna knot if you keep squeezing me like that.”

You shivered; and quickly nodded, sitting up to hold his shoulders. He guided you on a slow, heavy pace that pumped you full of your own slick and his cum. Squelching filthily; with no resistance at all. 

But Yeonjun’s arms soon grew tired. Plus, he could feel you burning up.

“Turn around for me angel,” Yeonjun spoke; and guided you - dripping on his thighs as you went - to turn in the seat. “Lean on the console, it’s cold; should help with the fever.”

He didn’t need to hear you speak; nor did he expect it now. But your sigh upon resting the hot skin of your torso on the long dashboard was obvious enough. 

Your body melted into the coolness of the smooth surface against your hot skin; eyes closed as you moaned in relief and your hips circled on his cock in the mindless pursuit of pleasure.

“Better?” Yeonjun chuckled. 

You nodded, visibly eased. Face in your arms; moaning with relief on the glass dash.

“God. She looks blown out.” Soobin moaned, noting that you had stopped verbally responding; scent drunk, full and mindless beyond feelings. He guessed Yeonjun's cock had started pulsating by now; and that you were due to start drooling.

“She is.” The fox confirmed with a tick in his jaw. Soobin hummed a growl in response.

You had submitted to them fully. Mind and body. Wanting nothing more than to be fucked full until your bones ached.

“Ready?” Yeonjun prompted. You nodded. He ran his hand down your spine before guiding your hips back; elbows holding you up on the dashboard; hands spread wide but weak to the grip Yeonjun had on your hips, the love handles that you had, controlling your movement without pain.

He pressed the head of his cock to your entrance before tilting your hips forward; then back as you sunk onto him. The pace was slow. And it made your whole body tingle with pleasure. 

Eventually; after a few forward lifts and drags of him guiding you until you had worked to his size better; he let go. And spread his hands over your waist and atop your skirt.

The fox hummed, with a deep groan. “Can I take this off, little fawn? You seem to be holding onto it…”

You missed a beat; shy. 

“Do I need to?” You mumbled, unheard were it not for his hearing. Yeonjun kissed your spine with a slightly troubled frown. He shared a look with Soobin, who looked affected by your words.

Clearly, the two of you knew something he didn’t.

“I’d like to see all of you - beautiful?” Yeonjun mumbled, curiously. Thumbs patient on your heated skin. 

He wasn’t about to force you, but he understood why unwrapping that layer of yourself so quickly into the relationship would feel revealing. But for the bond to stick, it was necessary to get these things out of the way. 

“I love you. And I promise I won’t judge. Probably nothing I haven’t seen before...”

With a shaky exhale you nodded; helping Yeonjun shimmy the half-unzipped skirt up and over your shoulders, now completely bare. Upon leaning back onto the dash; he saw exactly why you had resisted. 

In the space between your hip joints sat a tail; light brown with white underneath. Yeonjun smoothed his hand to the space between your shoulder blades then back down and chittered; ears down once more.

“Nothing I haven’t seen before, pretty girl,” Yeonjun affirmed; smile wide and eyes crescented as you heaved a relieved sigh and relaxed your tense thighs once more. 

“You’re gorgeous; head to toe. Ready?”

You nodded, mostly to yourself, then began moving again. Riding him at a rhythmic, relaxed pace. Torso leaning on the dash. Thighs burning; but immeasurable to the need to move.

A sudden deep warmth spread up your lower spine, pelvis and behind; so sensitive it was almost ticklish. And your cunt gushed at each push of friction. 

“Junnie -?!” You moaned loudly at the unfamiliar spike of tingles that struck up your spine.

“Feel good gorgeous?” He giggled; finding the twitching of the muscles in your lower back entirely cute. You obviously agreed; squeezing him deep and panting for breath at the entirety of your back tingling. 

“Bet Gyu never even touched you here.” 

Yeonjun was massaging at the space above and underneath your tail, his grip on your waist helping you to move your hips; up and down in solid pumps as you intended to work until your core burned. With the promise of Soobin doing nothing but ploughing into you soon, you were happy to hump him like a bunny until you were physically unable.

You nodded; “Yeah - yes, yes Jun, yes, feels good ~”, as drunk as ever.

Yeonjun snickered and tugged at your hips; spanking you plain and wide on the ass to make your knees melt and lose pace.

Soobin groaned with a growl beside you both; vibration jittering your teeth. He seemed to be edging himself for his turn; leaking onto his fists with blown-out eyes and huffs to stay contained.

But he didn’t need to wait long; as Yeonjun was already thick and heavy inside your cunt and had started meeting your thrusts. You knew he was close when his juts were shorter into your guts but harder, and he yowled lowly with a gritted jaw and flat ears.

“Junnie -” You whined loudly, grasping for his attention, and keened a backwards bend into your hips to fuck with his head a bit more; “Want you to cum in me - want you to - use me -”

Your mewling, weak requests threw Yeonjun over the line. 

He fucked you deep and made you cry out while bouncing on his lap; waiting for you to start shaking before gripping your ass and pushing you forward and off; hot spurts of cum slopping all over your ass and lower back in thick ropes. 

To boot it all; he pulled you back onto his cock and pulled you back to sink his canines into your shoulder blade. He had pushed his cock back in at the right time; as it had started expanding, from head to base, filling you until cum slopped out of your cunt in pressured waves.

“Fuck - you’re so tight, never had a knot this good - keep going baby - keep squeezing me, fuck -”

Even as your first orgasm settled, Yeonjun was still cumming as your body quivered and burning pain spread like wildfire over your shoulder blade; holding you into an arch via your breasts that were squeezed tight. You came hard once more; cunt squeezing in waves as you gyrated and cried, tears on your cheek from pure mind-wiping bliss. 

As soon as Yeonjun’s cock deflated and he let go of your torso; you slumped forward onto the dash, hair scattered and panting for both to see. He held your hips steady, to slowly remove his cock and see you drip out onto the seat, while you placed your cheek on the glass to make eye contact with Soobin in all this sinful glory.

“You look good, doll,” Soobin growled lowly, head back and posture relaxed. His voice was gravelly and his eyes were almost black; visibly tense. “Marked up and used.”

You moaned wantonly, putty in their hands

“Wan be with you Soonie ~” You whined. Covered in Yeonjun's marks; and soon to be covered in his. 

You ached for it all.  

“I know you do, love,” Soobin growled like a purr on his lips. “We had to give Junnie his chance, hmm?”

A lesson in patience.

“Yes, Soonie.” You exhaled; head thrown back at Yeonjun's tug of your ribs; intent on scenting your new shoulder bite. A pleasing arch to view. “Yes, puppy.”

Soobin smiled. Softly, for a brief second. The name curved the dimples into his cheek even deeper before springing back.

“Feeling smothered enough yet, love? Still want to be bred fully? The scent will stick more when it’s pumped inside your pretty little cunt, I can promise that much.” 

“Yes,” You moaned; and nodded again. “Ready Binnie.”

The three of you took a moment to rest. Soobin guessed you would both be needing to go outside for the size of the cock squeezed into one of his large fists. More space to move you. He chuckled again; your wandering eyes shining in the car lights.

“Come on; let’s go outside for this one ~” Soobin hummed in amusement and got up in a relaxed manner. Kicking the last of his lower clothing onto the floor, minus his shoes.

But you moaned; and straightened up in anticipation; staring back at the fox as the driver's door shut. 

“It’s still wet outside Junnie… We’ll catch a cold?”

At your innocent tone, Yeonjun purred, ears back, eyes sharp, more feral looking than you remembered him ever being. 

That knot had tainted his mind's eye like a love drug. 

He looked up at you in what he thought was a sheepish smile; but in reality, he had chuckled deeply, with a tongue between his sharp and pink-stained teeth and bright angled eyes that left no room for innocence.

“Trust me; you’ll be needing all that space.”

Is all he offered; before the door opened and Soobin slipped his hands down to your elbows; cool against your hot, awaiting, reaching limbs.

You would be lying if you said Soobin was being gentle with you. But you would also be lying if you said you cared. You were pliant in his hold. Pulled out of the car and into the rain; senses flushed with cold air and dampness that wet your lungs. The rain was gentle in its pouring, but endless; and it could do nothing to wash away the sins that had already marked your body. You’d be smelling like them for weeks.

“Stand up.” Soobin mumbled, gruffly with yet another tug. Handling you like a familiar doll; he supported you just enough to dip his shoulder to your waist and hoist you into the air with no effort; solid hands on your thighs and cunt exposed to the sky; making Yeonjun kiss his teeth behind him in the rain. 

“Go easy on her, dog.” The fox hissed. “She won’t be able to handle one of your moods in this state.”

The fox’s reflective eyes bounced against the dark colour of the car and struck a nerve deep in your soul. Soobin rolled his eyes, but made a sound of agreement; pushing the door shut with his hip.

“Yeah, sure.”

He didn’t say anything to you while walking around the car, but your heart was hammering in your chest; pumping blood down toward your brain and making you dizzy. 

Soobin set you down in one quick motion; back pressed to the long wet hood of the car. Your hair fanned and quickly stuck to the wet surface, body shadowed by his. You inhaled a large heave of breath; hands immediately finding purchase on his shoulders, in his hair, on his neck.

He was so close, and warm, and he smelt like home.

“You’re doing so well, angel,” Soobin growled gently; and wasted no time in moving. He seemingly didn’t want to wait or hold back and you didn’t blame him, after waiting so patiently for so long. 

“Did Jun knot for you, love?” 

He dipped his head to lick from between your chest to up under your chin, acknowledging your soft whine and nod of confirmation - but the new mark of indented teeth, puffy and sore on your neck, stopped him from moving any further; and his mind flashed white at the feral need to suck and faux bite over the other partners' markings - your innocent moans pattered and echoed in the night as he pressed onto your body against the hood. You felt weighted, safe, and secure.

“Y-yes Binnie… Felt good…” You mumbled, shy.

“I bet.” He chuckled softly. No jealousy in his tone, to your surprise. “He must have been holding back for you, love - it was super quick.” 

You were going to acknowledge and agree with this act of nicety; were it not for Soobin moving down your body with his lips to suck a bite into the thin skin between your chest over your ribs. You could happily die like this. Being gnawed on by a dog in the cool of the rain until your purity was sapped and you became theirs.

He would ask you if you were cold - if you wanted to put his or Yeonjun’s jackets on - but your skin was burning with rut fever. He could feel it on his tongue; his skin. The way you melted against him like honey and raised his body temperature; pressing his body weight on top of yours until your knees tucked up and your ankles crossed over his lower back. 

He couldn’t help himself; pulling back up your torso to bite at your oesophagus in a way that made you keen with a moan up and into his body.

“Binnie - leave Junnie's mark -” you pleaded, gasps pattered and cunt pulsing at the dog's selfish scenting. “- you can make a new one -” Soobin growled; but acknowledged your plea and moved to dip down to your crotch. 

Rain hit your face when he moved away, and you made a quiet noise of surprise.

Before you could say anything; Soobin's hands were on the back of your thighs to encourage them up; already acutely aware of what you needed. “Cover your eyes,” Soobin growled into the back of your thighs; sucking hickeys until his knees hit the ground and he tugged you down to the edge of the hood. 

The two of you were on the driver's side; Yeonjun's view was muddy from inside of the wet glass, but apparently good enough that he sat with his head back and lazily jerked himself off. 

“With your forearm.” Your hip bone vibrated; bringing back your attention.

You followed his instruction; and covered your eyes with both arms.

But quickly gripped Soobin’s hair between your legs with one; as Soobin swiped his wide, flat tongue up your cunt and underneath your clit. Like a thirsty hound, he lapped at your folds; sucking and growling at your sensitive cries before spitting his full cheeks of cum and slick back out onto your abdomen.

He dipped again, holding your legs as you twitched and moaned at the way he gyrated his tongue; moving in circles under your clit until your gut twisted and you squeezed more liquid out; caught readily by his open jaw that lapped it into his mouth.

It was a filthy, revolving process; but he wasn’t going to give up until you begged, or had no nectar left to push back out.

“You taste fucking beautiful, little deer.” 

Soobin growled after spitting the thick stringy liquid onto your cunt; only to wipe his mouth on your thigh and repeat.

“Y-yeah?” You whined, hips twitching at each sensitive lap up into your hole. But his grip was strong, and you weren’t going anywhere.

“Mhm -” Soobin groaned; sucking with a slack jaw at your cunt; tongue lapping up against your entrance and dipping barely inside to tease you before pulling away with a grunt. Spitting onto the soft of your belly to see it drip down your hips and stay there in a little pool. “Thick, sweet cherry. But Jun’s citrus is in there too. My new favourite taste.”

He dipped again; lapping until you squealed and your cunt pushed out more of the warm sinful mix. He growled lowly; letting it drip out onto his tongue, before spitting so quickly to catch the rest of it, that a string splashed up your torso and dripped over your ribs onto the car.

“Ngh - really Binnie? Even - even with - Junnie?” 

Your breath was becoming laboured. Short, sharp and desperate. 

Soobin pointed his ears up, more towards your face and away from your squelching core. You were talking about Yeonjun's cum; painted on your stomach, on your back, mixed with your slick, all over you. The hound growled a pleasant hum in thought but answered without hesitation. 

“Particularly with Junnie’s spunk inside and all over you, love. The two of you were made for each other.”

“Make that three, Binnie ~” You whined, releasing his hair to grip the hood. Trembling. Twitching. Sensitive.

“Sure.” He chuffed in agreement. “The three of us go well together.”

He pulled the flat of his tongue up underneath your clit; and wiggled it until you cried and twitched; open mouth kissing and sucking the squeezing, slopping drip out of your cunt. 

He wondered if it would ever end.

“Mmm -” He grumbled. The next spit was lazy and connected to his chin as it dripped onto your pelvic bone. “I’ve always been a fan of nice, hot, cream pie.”

Soobin chuckled a reasonable amount to himself for that one. It was more like a fruit medley, but you truly did smell and taste fucking delectable, and he couldn’t believe he was able to experience such a thing in this lifetime. 

You were too far gone for the joke to hit; so your innocence softened him. He connected his fingers with your own outreaching ones. Lapping a few tester swipes into your cunt.

“Ngh - Binnie - please - ah -”

That was enough teasing. You had started to beg, and that was all he wanted. He just wanted to have his fill. To make sure he had the power (and you, the submission) to cry out his name. Plus; Yeonjun had already worked you open; you just needed an even bigger stretch. And he didn’t want you out in the rain for too long, just in case.

You smiled bashfully to yourself with butterflies as he prodded around your skin with short nips and a pressing tongue. He was trying to find your pulse. And knew he had got it when you moaned; twitching at the bite on your inner thigh.

“Bite.” Soobin forewarned, soft and calm in tone.

Your slick and Yeonjun's cum had melted on Soobin's tongue; sticking to his gums as he sunk his teeth into the soft flesh of your thigh. It was a lot less intense of a scratching pain than Yeonjun's; this one was placed with love, and he was slow and gentle. His teeth were bigger and sunk in deeper, but they were blunt at the tip. Whatever infection you would usually be worried about, was dissipated in this state of lust and submission. 

He broke the skin with a grunt and growled in comforting waves as you whined, and reached for him. He closed it gently too; kissing, licking, peppering the area with praise until the wound closed to stop bleeding.

“You’re doing so well, gorgeous,” Soobin mumbled against your skin; before losing himself in the process of scenting your thigh with his cheek. His eyes closed and his tall pointed ears folded to his dark hair, dimples and a pleasant flush to his skin visible even in the rain. “I’m so proud of how well you’re bonding with us. Who would have ever thought? A doe, a fox, a dog.”

He opened an eye to smile up at you, to meet the reflective doe eyes that peeked up at him underneath your forearm. Your expression was shy, but you would be brave for him. And shared a gentle moment of love.

He pulled away from your thigh with a groan, rising from the ground. 

“On your stomach please angel.” Soobin guided, gruffly. “Let’s get this rut fucked out of you, hmm? Pretty girl? Then some loving, when we take you back to ours? Yeonjun can sit with you in the back on the way there.”

You giggled; and nodded with a drunk smile. Soobin squeezed your hand before releasing; gripping your hips to flip you over; leaning over you afterwards so his longer arms entrapped you. 

He placed his hand between your ear and shoulder; you gulped at the idea of being unable to move once he started; remembering the way he ploughed into his fist with absolutely no remorse.

“Want me to make it quick? Or do you want to ride this one out? It’s your rut gorgeous, so you tell me.”

You would’ve loved to answer immediately, but Soobin was swiping the head of his cock up and down your slit and pressing into your entrance. You moaned in a long whine as Soobin spat onto your joined bodies before pushing his long, thick cock up into your tight, warm cunt. It was a stretch from entrance to belly, and you shook in pleasure while he paused and waited for your body to accommodate. 

“Fuck - you take me so good baby -” Soobin groaned, holding himself up with strong back muscles once he had hit your tight muscles; thrusting shallowly to get rid of the last excess cum taking up space inside of your walls. He was already leaking, and even Yeonjun from inside the car could smell his heavy woody scent inside your gut. 

“One thing’s for sure -” He groaned, shallowly thrusting to hear you choke, rain on his back dripping enough for him to shake his head. He dipped to heave hot air onto your cheek, steaming in the winter air, growling lowly. “- I’m going to knot so tight inside your pretty little cunt, my tiny little doe, you won’t be able to go anywhere without us for the next month.”

You gasped; crying out at his filthy words of warning and his sudden abrupt jut up into your gut. “O-oh -” You whined, flexing your feet to press against him. He hit deeper than Yeonjun. And you imagined you wouldn’t be taking his cock this much, if at all, were it not for the slick and the cum and the being already-knotted-in. Your body relaxed even more in submission, and he pressed one final time until he hit your cervix.

“Quickly Binnie,” You puttered. “Please, want it quickly, I need you, please…”

It was done. 

Your wish was his command and he was happy to oblige.

Soobin placed his hands above your shoulders and spread his palms wide to steady himself and keep you trapped; key anchors to help him thrust like the gods depended on it. Each thick pull and pump against your tight hot walls made you cry out and curl your toes in mind-melding delight. Contracting all the way through until his cock began to twitch and swell. 

Something about it. Something about this scene.

Something about Soobin thrusting into you so hard that the car jolted on every second exhale. 

Something about your body going numb with pleasure; guts ploughed, fucked full of thick squelching cum until your stomach swelled. 

Something about your bare skin squeaking on the wet hood of the car, gripping him, and any corner to stay sane.

Moaning; crying so loud for only the forest to hear.

Until your cunt pulsed and you came hard, and slow; melting with shivers into the cool metal of the car, craning back to reach him.

Soobin lowered himself as you fell apart. His toned chest covered your back and he buried his face into your neck, encapsulating you. His elbows hit the hood and he held your shoulders from underneath you as his thrusts became more and more abrupt until they hurt; smacking your cervix and making you shake. 

He thrusted in deep low ruts until your insides almost split from pleasure; cum pressing out in waves down your thighs and sliding off the river of rain onto the gravel.

Then finally, his knot began to swell. 

The base flared and he pumped you full of cum until you were stretched to your limits; stomach bumping with the pressure; seeing stars, milking him and breathless. You moaned, and you whined and you pressed up against him with a twitching body; so much that Soobin held you tight.

You were finally satiated.

Your mind was clear again.

Finally; release.

For the first time in possibly weeks, you felt cold. You hadn't realised it had been that long until you felt it. Like the sudden Autumn chill after Summer had gone, the goosebumps were clear and quick. 

Soobin expected it; the sudden drop in your body temperature that is, as he sheltered you from the shower of rain that pattered into a slow stop. His ear flicked, and he nuzzled your cheek. Along with your body temp dipping; you had stopped moving and whimpering.

“Feeling better angel?” Soobin huffed, patiently. “The rains stopped. So has your heat.”

You were spent. Blinking back into the world. You were only able to nod.

He kissed your cheek with praises that you couldn’t quite decipher and moved on strong arms to pull out, plugging your hole with three fingers before gesturing to Yeonjun in the car to grab the wipes in his dash and console. The car door opened, and you rested against the metal with half-closed eyes as a large cloth - spare and unused for cleaning the inner windows for condensation in the winter - was thrown over the car and into Soobin's reach. Yeonjun got back in for a moment to hide the unsightly mess he had made all over the seat.

You were surrounded by them. Their scents, body, warmth. And you felt safe. For the first time since the accident; you could let go again.

“Fucked you like you needed it, hmm, little Doe? Let's try not to make a habit of that. I don’t want to see you that sick, hopefully ever again.”

Soobin ran his nails over your small sensitive tail to un-matt some of the fur that gelled together after the cum and the rain. He patted it when it shook, body language to stop, and made a mental note to help you with personal hygiene surrounding your tail later - as no doubt Beomgyu barely even looked after his, let alone coached you with yours.

"'m- 'm- c-cold, Bin," You jittered, nodding, but confused. Fucked silly and weak. “‘m great, but c-cold…” 

You flinched harshly as he wiped around your lower abdomen still pressed to the car, and Yeonjun’s dried cum on your lower back. Soobin once again knelt to the ground to quickly lap at the space around your labia to swallow what he could, before rising and swiping his mouth then your inner thighs with the cloth.

"I know, gorgeous," Soobin grumbled affectionately, wiping the last of the slick from between your legs. "Jun will sit with you soon." 

You failed to connect the dots. Why would that even matter? But you would soon come to realise; that there was a reason why foxes could stay out in the cold for so long.

“Stay there angel. Don’t move without our help.” Soobin ordered. He retreated for a moment, shuffling around in the car, trying to look for something. Disposing the rag into a box that would disguise the scent for now, enough to get home and burn it.

Such a simple distance made your heartbeat patter. You released a small whine, coughing as it escaped unexpectedly, and the other guardian nearby - watching and waiting - answered the call immediately. 

The car door opened, and the fox timidly cantered out to sit on the hood of the car next to you. His hands in his pocket. Head tilted with a concerned but lovingly amused expression.

He brought his soft palm to your spine and brushed over your cold rippling muscles and tail. A disapproving hissing sound escaped between his teeth. Your skin was lower in temperature than earlier. Not ice cold, but dipping quickly, and compared to how hot you had been burning up, it was a shock.

You rose on extremely weak forearms and accepted Yeonjun’s aid as he tugged you to sit up and lean into his side. He held you up by an arm around your waist and your face rested on his broader shoulder. You practically folded into him; arms in his lap, limp.

"You still with us, little Doe?" Yeonjun mumbled, kissing your eyes. 

He kissed you wherever he could, and brushed the hair out of your face to check your condition, thumb over the height of your cheek. But he quickly saw that you were okay. That Soobin hadn't ruined you like he had been concerned about. You had just been fucked silly and needed some love. 

“Floating away, little one?” He eased into a one-cheeked soft smile. 

You nodded, melting into him the best you could at this angle. 

“That’s okay.” He mumbled. “I’ve got you. You’re safe. Close your eyes.”

He was so warm. So delightfully fresh smelling. So comforting to be near. So you trusted him, his enveloping voice, and shut your eyes.

"You truly did fuck the rut out of her, hmm?" Yeonjun spoke while looking to you; but turned his head. "I'm impressed."

You peeled open an eye. But the question wasn't aimed at you. And you started joining some tired dots. 

Soobin shrugged nonchalantly behind the car door, shuffling his jeans back up his toned legs and chucking his belt into the back seat. There was little to no weakness in his knees; surprising given the workout, knot and release that had just happened. Such was Soobin. The guy was trained to be this way. He was bred for it.

"Sure - it's nothing. She was burning up and needed it badly. Happy to help out."

"She sure did." Yeonjun hummed in amusement. Taking a moment to run his nose over your hairline and kiss your forehead, aware of your shivering and jittering teeth next to him. 

The sex was a kindness that either of them would do again; the bonding was something more personal and securing on the relationship between the three of you. 

"I take it you're going to be having a word with Gyu, at some point?"

Soobin growled audibly and shook off the immediate irritation of hearing his name by slamming the back-end car door with a snarl. You didn't even flinch, Yeonjun noted, watching the doe eyes that fluttered on his shoulder. His hand strayed to tuck your hair behind your ear, thumb pressing over your cold cheek. Releasing once you pressed further into him.

"Yeah." Soobin grit. "Can't believe he'd let her suffer like that. And for that fucking long. Man's sick, and twisted, and needs to be given a heads up on Hybrid-decency."

Yeonjun hummed to muse his words, but no matter the tone, he knew it was just Soobin's protective anger talking. 

"Not always as simple as that Bin, you know that." 

Yeonjun sat so patiently as you reached for him. As Soobin raged your fists curled into the curve of Yeonjun’s waist. Your face drifted closer and closer to his exposed neck until you huffed for him to come closer. Yeonjun leaned in, and ran his fingers through your hair, pressing his finger pads over your bites to check they were closed, holding your cheek, keeping constant tabs on your heartbeat and your breathing. 

You were so cold. He was eager to get you back to their den, as soon as he could. You needed to find a place in your new home. Because that’s what this was now; a new beginning. One of guidance, loyalty, calm and trust. 

You would never fall when they were there to hold you up.

Soobin huffed a sigh and released his shoulders.  

"Yeah. I just wish he would have told me sooner. Would have been a lot easier. A lot less suffering. A lot less of her, suffering alone, confused, blue-balled, afraid - I mean - can you imagine June? All of that tension and self-restraint on your first rut… I would have gone insane, Jun! Fucking wild!"

Yeonjun shrugged. Lips in a pout. 

"But; she didn’t, and he did tell you, eventually. Hence us all being together tonight. You never know, maybe he was insanely stressed about it. Maybe he didn't know exactly… what to do, how to help her out. You know as well as me that they’ve been having issues, pup. Sometimes things just don't work out. Seems to have gone that way, sooner than we realised."

Soobin passed the shirt in his hand between his palms, sulking.

"You know what he's like, Bin. A chronic worrier. Would rather bury his head in the sand until it's too late. Let's just be thankful that we - that you - caught it when you did. Could have gone a hell of a lot worse. Ain't that right doll? You're all good now, hmm? All good with us from now on?"

Soobin looked up to see Yeonjun's forehead meeting your own tired and dazed one. The hound blinked out of his anger and his chest pained. Yeonjun’s irises had contracted, and his ears had softened, and he allowed you to watch his beautiful amber eyes until you laid your cheek back onto his shoulder; submissive, trusting, calm.

You weren’t listening to their discussion, but that was more to the point. You had come to them for aid and they had answered. Beomgyu had tried, but it wasn’t meant to be. Such is life.

No anger can stay strong in the presence of all that love.

“I’m glad we stayed with her,” Soobin grumbled, ears softening, eyes downcast. Tail pressed between his legs. “I’ve been so worried since the accident. She needed so much love and Beomgyu just… didn’t know what to do with all of that. I’m glad we found out, I just hate to think we could’ve helped sooner.”

Yeonjun purred softly. Soobin meant well. He just found it hard to take action in the right way. Or speak before he moved. Or articulate exactly what it was he was feeling. They were opposites in this sense. Yeonjun was sharp and swift by nature; born to survive no matter what. Soobin was bred to be brash and bold; to frighten and intimidate and to conquer. 

Both needed each other for balance. Both of them needed you, to teach them new things.

"Exactly. What’s done is done. I’m proud of you for staying by her side and not rushing things.”

Soobin peered up at Yeonjun's softened voice and whined softly. He tilted his head and his tail patted in a display of affection. He looked to the floor as he spoke his troubles with a weak tenor.

“How are we going to fit all of her stuff in the apartment, June?”

Soobin's voice was stuffed full of emotion. Yeonjun's ears folded this time, and his own tail patted. He held out his hand.

“Come here, Bin.”

Soobin shuffled toward you both, eyes stuck on you until he reached Yeonjun. The fox slipped his hand to Soobin’s elbow; kissing the hound's cheek, then rubbing his ears on the parts he could reach, small chitters causing you to open your eyes. Soobin pressed a hand onto the crown of your head and kissed your hair. The three of you were connected and in love.

“It doesn’t matter, pup, we’ll figure it out. We’ll talk with Beomgyu soon. But she’s ours to worry about for now. Like, right now. She needs to be in a warm den, Soob. Let’s hurry and get her back to ours before she starts to panic.”

"Yeah," Soobin cleared his throat with a nod. "Here - she can wear this." 

Yeonjun accepted the fabric passed to him. A large, white, gym shirt, lightly used. Yeonjun was quick to release Soobin's elbow; burying his face in it with a low yowling groan, rolling his eyes, swearing under his breath.

"Fuck, smells good pup."

The dog smirked with a slight roll of his eyes. Touched by his open admiration. Yeonjun loved his scent, and would often bury himself in it, whenever Soobin allowed. The dog combed his fingers through Yeonjun's dishevelled black and orange hair; avoiding the gel spots to scratch behind his companion’s black-tipped ear. Yeonjun shut his eyes with a shiver and a chitter.

"Can she sit in the back with you?" Soobin grumbled, smoothing the fox’s hair back in place to then move away; opening the driver's door and closing the boot in one long, swift line of motion. The dog was big, after all.

"Sure. Of course." Yeonjun nodded, delicately. As if he would leave you to sit by yourself. 

Yeonjun turned to stand and help you move in the light of the campsite lamps. He held you steady as he went, and admired your half-closed eyes and softly postured lips. You were shivering, and drowsy, just about paying attention to his tactile guidance, let alone his voice. Deer pupils blown out to the corners of your mind.

"Come on, arms up for me baby-doll. Let's get you warmed up." 

Yeonjun moved to shuffle the shirt over your head and it fit like a mini dress. And, Yeonjun was right, it did smell good. Some hints of cologne, but mostly Soobin's natural scent.

"Where is… Binnie…" You moaned absently. 

"Right here gorgeous." Soobin chuckled. He was leaning on his door with his long arms, watching as Yeonjun shuffled you forward, ready to carry you into the warm seats with him. “You want me instead?”

Your face heated in embarrassment when you processed what had happened. You didn’t mean to call out for him so openly. You were just thinking he was with you one minute, and then gone the next - 

“No…”

The boys chuckled.

"Arms please, cutie," Yeonjun whispered, closer to your face, obscuring your line of vision and waiting for you to hold his neck. He was moving carefully and slowly so you didn’t startle, but he hadn't expected you to miss his command completely. 

He chuckled at the rubbing of your cheek against his and began purring at you. Your attempt to scent yourself on him. It was simply adorable. Messy, as you followed your nose, but he stayed still for a moment until you felt comforted enough and melted into his shoulders.

"Thank you, baby." Yeonjun purred - thank you for scenting me - and gently gripped your arms to place them around his neck. He hummed, scooping under your ass and lifting you onto his hip in one quick motion with unreasonable ease. 

He carried you to the passenger side back door, Soobin's hand to your head as the boys exchanged a forehead bump and Yeonjun dipped with you in his hold. He shuffled so his foot was on the console; one knee up to stop you falling backwards. Arms encircling you and pulling up the coats from the floor to rest over your legs.

You shut your eyes right as Soobin flicked the inner car lights off; in a dreamlike state. 

The car was heavily scented; to the point of discomfort for the Canidae. But the inside was warm for you, and that was the most important thing. The boys could risk a stray boner to keep you happy and comforted; as these next few hours would determine the rest of your bonded life together. However long it may last.

"Junnie -" You moaned airily, calling for him. "F-feet…" 

You tried to speak, but couldn’t form the words. Your brain was empty and your tongue was heavy in your mouth.

Yeonjun chittered and pressed a kiss to your cheekbone. His warm palms pressed at your ice-cold feet, gauging temp. He made a noise of shock and answered you before you could even explain. Yeonjun covered your feet with his tail. The same bushy-tail foxes would use to fight the cold of the night. The fur warmed your feet instantly and you chuffed in delight, eyes closed and body liquid in his hold. 

"Better?" He hummed in amusement. You were speaking non-verbally; without deer ears, it was hard for them to track your emotions, but the soft puts of air and gloats helped them immensely.

You nodded but made a soft noise like a deer in distress. You wanted to be in a warm bed, under covers, surrounded by them. You didn’t need to speak, he understood your discomfort already.

"I know." Yeonjun purred back with a laugh, pressing hot airy kisses to your ear. "You’ll be home soon, doll. Relax your body, I can take it. Lean into me."

You wanted to meld into him. So you did. You dropped your face to his warm neck and released the tension in your thighs. Nose directly in the crook of his neck, and moaned softly. His arms squeezed you to him gently, and his tail curled in the squeeze of an embrace.

"Get some sleep angel. It's a decently long drive." 

"Cold… " Your quiet voice was so strained in an effort to speak that Yeonjun yowled with a heaving heart. He kissed your hair; combing through the wet as best as he could. Holding the coats to your skin.

Soobin smiled, watching you through the mirror. Your tired face had a crease in its centre; brows creased, eyes shut and nose pressed to his baby boy's skin. He was doing such a good job of caring for you. Soobin's heart beat heavily.

"You'll be alright, Y/N. It's just - the fever’s gone - for a little while at least. You'll be burning up like a furnace and humping the air again in the morning, probably. Would be surprised if it lasted longer than another day. Just takes a while to get it out of your system."

You nodded in response; light and accepting.

"Are you warm enough, love?" Soobin spoke softly. Voice low, dimples deep and eyelids dipped. 

Yeonjun chittered, and his ears pulled back. He looked shy, in a way you had never seen before. And you felt the beat of his heart pick up, Adam's apple bobbing.

"Sure am." He smiled. Even his voice - he was quick, eager to answer, and coy. 

"Good. Feeling okay?" 

Yeonjun nodded shyly again. 

"If you start feeling the effects of the rut, just let me know. I can take over."

Another timid, gentle nod.

"Thanks Bin-Bin. I think we're okay back here, for now. I may need a break when we get home though." 

"No problem." Soobin's dimples deepened with his smile, throwing in a wink. "Let's go. You’ll have to excuse the mess at home Y/N. It’s only ever been us two guys living together, after all."

Oh, how all your lives were due to change.

MAIN MASTERLIST /// TXT MASTERLIST /// IMAGE MASTERPOST UIHALL [FIRST IN SERIES] /// [UIHALL - PART 2.I HERE.......]

well would you look at that: updated 5/DECEMBER/2023

[daphnedauphinoise]

Daphne,

Please would you mind sharing your foot care routine, my winter feet are in a dire state

Xx

No problem :) I actually need to get back into this old routine. Here is the routine from my drafts:

1. Cutting your nails

I won't say I am a woman who get embarassed or can be embarrased but I don't think I can ever live down the humiliation of when I turned up to my podiatry appointment and my podratist took one look at my nails and say 'I think I will cut them for you'. She did explain to me that though I had cut them, I still left them too long and long toe nails is a bad foot practice but oh my god, never again! I know it sound wierd but there is a correct way to cut your toe-nails and it is straight across. Any fancy shapes might lead to ingrown nails and they are painful.

I find toenails to grow quite slowly so I cut my every two weeks but I tend to fully clean my toenails at least weekly. You should not be letting those black fuzz under your toenails grow. Letting your shower water run inbetwee you toes is not enough and you should be using soap and a nail brush whenever you shower to clean your feet.

2.Foot Soaks

Epsom salt

Vinegar

I try and do these foot soaks weekly as they are actually really good at relaxing you. I just get a bucket and put the same about of salt ratio as I do in pasta water and let my feet rest. You don't really need anything fancy as epsom salt works just fine, but it does have to be epsom salt. This is because epsom salt is a mixture of magneusim and sulfate so it will actually do something for you (relax your muscles and cramps etc). I also like to add one cup vinegar as well to my foot bath. Vinegar has anti-bacterial properties so adding this makes it hard for bacteria to grow on your feet.

3. Foot Exfoilation

Cheap face scrub

Pumic stone

Exfoilating foot mask

This is where we will get rid of the dead skin cells. There are two ways you can go around doing this: physical and chemical exfoliation.

I don't think you need to buy any designated foot srub because they all tend to work the same. Personally, I just buy the £2 St Ives face scrub but use it on my foot. After I have soaked my feet, I dry them just so they are damp and I scrub the hell out of my feet.

For chemical peels you can either use some sort of peeling acid or a exfoilaiting sheet mask. The common peeling acid that people use is the Ordinary acid one and I find to be good for the skin around your toenails.

I like using an exfoliating foot sheet mask as well but this is probably every 6 months at the earliest. A lot of these sheet masks get marked up and some sites and brands sell these for £20 and again, there is no need to pay this much. Your local saver beauty store or poundland/dollar tree should have them for around £1-£2 and that is the only amount anyone should be spending on these. Reminder, you really do not want to over-exfoliate your feet. Your feet is meant to have hard skin because it serves a purpose for your body and health.

4. Moisturising

I think you get the point by now but, you don't need anything fancy. I think of my massive tub of Vaseline as an equivalent to the Holy Trinity and I use that. At night, just before I am about to sleep I mix vaseline and a thicker moisturizer (body butter works amazing too) and I massage my feet with the mixture. Foot massages are actually very important for your overall health. Then, I pop on some fuzzy socks and I sleep.

5. Beautifying your feet

After you do all this your feet should look nice and pretty but if you want to take it a step further you can make sure your toe nails are nice too. I like taking off the hardened skined around my toe nails which one of the tools I mentioned in my nail routine post.

I would never suggest or encourage anyone to go get a pedicure so I myself, just do everything at home. For sanitaion reasons, I don't like using the same nail polish that I use on my hand nails on my toe nails and nail salons are just so so unhygenic.

I heard a feet pic seller once say (from an old magazine) that what earns her the most money is either a french manicure or soft pink nails. So that is what I do :)

I am really going to emphasize this here, you don't need anything buy anything. Literally, everything you need to make your own foot routine, you can find in your home already. Should you want to buy anything, there is no need to spend anything more than £5 per product ( though you still wouldn't see me do this) and buy something you can use for many other things eg. vaseline.

If you have any concerns regarding your feet, do go to a podraitist as they can help. Make sure you are always wearing comfortable shoes and that you are walking properly.

Anyway love,

Daphne xoxo

[maybankbae]

Hot Showers and Cold Bleach

Warnings: Strong Language

Authors Note: this has been sitting in my drafts for 2 months now and i’m so proud of this one!! i simply can’t wait for this universe to have its moment. hope you all like it as much as I do!!

——————

April 11th 2019

Kalani already had a strong regret facetiming her mother and father Anna and Marcus back home in New Jersey as she packed for her trip for Coachella with her longtime boyfriend, Micheal and his bandmates along with Luke and Ashton’s girlfriends Sierra and KayKay.

Roy, one of Calum’s friends is tagging along as well with the group.

Kalani and Micheal have been together ever since the infamous Bali trip the boys took in 2016. Even though he was secretly subscribed to her youtube channel from 2014 and she was his celebrity crush. He made that apparent in every interview he was asked that question.

She knew some of her good friends who were going and gave her a free ticket to go. Kailani and Micheal originally just wanting to hook up that whole week and never talk again until they realized their feelings and have been together ever since.

Her old youtube vlog of that trip has clips of the two shamelessly flirting with one another that they look back upon now and laugh.

She held up one blue bikini, one red one, and a pink one and quickly shoved them in her bag until her mother’s Jersey accent rang through.

“What the hell are those pieces of fabric??” She demanded.

“‘My bathing suits?” She shrugged walking over to her vanity to pack her makeup in her travel bag.

“Those are not a bathing suits. That’s rags colored in dye.” She said making her brunette haired daughter chuckle and roll her eyes.

“Mom, no one in Coachella is gonna see my birthday suit.” She responded looking at her mom’s disgusted face on the MacBook screen.

“Well other than Micheal!!” Her dad’s voice interrupted her trying to figure out what shade of foundation to bring. She never knew how tan she’d get in the different climates and it would be a monstrosity if she posted on YouTube or Instagram and her face was 4 shades lighter than her whole body.

“Shut up.” She chuckled as she packed a Fenty Bottle and Makeup Forever bottle.

‘Praying these are right’ She said a silent prayer.

Ana waved noticed Michel standing in the doorway holding Southy in his arms with Moose and her cocker spaniel, Sadie trailing behind him. Kailani turned around seeing him.

"You're like a cat. How did I not hear you." She smiled at her boyfriend who shrugged taking a seat on their shared bed.

"Hi Mrs. Smith" Micheal waved with Southy's paw making Kalani smile.

"Micheal honey you can call me Anna. I've told you this for 2 years now. The whole Mrs thing makes me feel older than I am."

“If the shoe fits then wear it momma.” She joked making Anna give her the bird.

They bid their goodbyes as she had to go, tired of hearing Micheal trying to wrestle the dogs to do what sounded like a trick.

“I’ll finish packing tomorrow before we leave. I have all my clothes packed just not bathroom stuff but it’d be pointless to pack them now.” She ran her fingers through his fringe as she sat on his lap.

“We should bleach my hair again before Coachella.” He suggested squeezing her ass. She knew what he really wanted.

“You just wanna fuck me under the shower.”

“Not completely, I also want my hair washed but that doesn’t sound bad either.”

“Fine.” She climbed off his lap and sauntered into the connected bathroom.

****

Kalani and Micheal stood underneath the warm shower water as she lathered some sort of deep conditioner with keratin and special oil designed for faux blondes in his hair before she could bleach it again if she wanted to make sure it was completely clean.

"The bottle said to wait 5 minutes before you can wash it out." She repeated the instructions on the purple bottle.

His hands wandered down her hips and close to her ass as she gave him a pointed look.

"That’s not what we're here for." She pointed her finger at his chest

"Y’know you could wash my hair since I was such a good girlfriend by washing yours and about to bleach it." She batted her full lashes at him who playfully rolled his eyes before turning Kalani towards him and lathering shampoo to wash her curls.

Small talk was the only thing that you could hear in the bathroom other than the running water.

They washed out all the product out of his and her hair before wrapping herself in a warm towel while Micheal stepped out of the bathroom to grab the hair dye and another towel.

He's been dying his hair ever since he was 16. He would consider himself a pro but likes when Kalani does it for him.

She grabbed the t shirt off of the counter that she stole from Micheal and her panties while she squeezed the water out her hair and threw in some deep hair mask to throw it up in a curly bun.

Micheal rolled the chair in front of the bathroom mirror and placed the dye in a bowl as Kalani read the instructions.

She placed some gloves on for protection of her skin and got to bleaching his hair. "This may burn." She warned him as she was splitting his hair into sections while he was mindlessly scrolling through Twitter when she was starting.

"I've dyed my hair probably 20 times in my life. Trust me it's fine. I’m immune to the burning sensation now.” He joked.

*****

After an hour of the smell of bleach and the sound Kalani and Micheal's laughter , they were finally in bed watching some episodes Chicago Fire that they've been missing out on.

She had one leg propped up and the other across his lap as he stroked her thigh making her bite her lip as to make it seem like his fingers brushing across her thighs didn't have a affect on her. As it very well did because of how she felt the dampness pool in her black panties.

"If you wanna eat my pussy all you have to do is ask." She finally spoke up during a boring scene in the show.

"I was waiting on those exact words." He said with a cheeky smile.

With that Micheal maneuvered himself to be in her thighs, facing her panties. He licked his lips in anticipation.

Kalani whined softly as he was teasing her clit with his tounge through the outside of her panties. "Please Mikey." Her doe eyes silently begged him.

“Someone’s impatient.”

He tugged them down her smooth legs and tossed them somewhere behind him as he was face to face with her swollen clit as his eyes got wider in adoration.

"Shit your pussy is so pretty my love." He kissed the insides of her thighs as she giggled. "Thank you."

With one lick, she was a moaning mess for him. He was maintaining eye contact with her and every time she wouldn't look at him he would go slower with eating her out. It wasn't long before she started pulling on his hair as he was sucking on her clit making her eyes close in pleasure.

"That feel good baby?," He asked huskily as she could visibly see her own wetness on his beard.

She shakily sighed. "Fuck it feels so good."

With his middle and ring finger he started to slowly finger her while sucking on her clit, her hips jutting up every time he curled his fingers against her sweet spot.

"Shit I'm gonna come." She panted. She pushed his head deeper into her trying to get more of his mouth.

“I know." He cooed, the vibrations of his voice sending her over the edge.

She screamed his name in pure ecstasy multiple times as he pulled his fingers out of her and slowly licked her clean, avoiding her clit as he knew it was too sensitive. He gave her clit one last kiss before laying back next to her.

"I love you." She stretched over her to peck his lips. They kissed for what seemed like hours.

"I can't wait to fuck you at Coachella. To a weekend of great music and even better sex." He said excitedly running his hands over her ass.  

"And spending time with your band members while I have girl time!" she playfully hit his tattooed arm as they both went into a deep sleep tangled together.

[pool-floatie]

I feel the need to share my g/t experience with erryone since its been on my mind for a while and I find it interesting how early on It showed up.

Ever since I was a little kid, probably 5-7 years old, I had little daydreams occasionally about giants taking me to their houses or a park or wherever and they would tease me and have fun with me, I was always scared of course because apparently ive always liked this fearplay bullshit, but i still found it exhillirating and fun. Of course it wasnt romantic or anything until I got older, just,,, like a really tall roller coaster, scary but exciting.

When I started reading, i found one of the borrowers books, i think my mom actually got it for me (maybe i had mentioned the daydreams??) ! I think it was The littles and The Biggs families, but yeah. I loved it and i tried to find more but they werent at my school library 😭 so Iworked with what I had, a book and a dream. (lol cringe-)

While i was in 4th- 6th grade I had kind of repressed it, I still thought about it on occasion but i started to realise that nobody else had that interest and it was just a wierd thing with me... Until I watched the BFG (cliche right 🙄) it was when the movie came out and people were talking about it! For a while it held the title of my favorite movie just so I could talk about it when people asked that particular icebreaker.

One night in like... 7th grade I had a dream that i was at church (lol cringefail imagine being religious...) and I picked up a piece of paper inviting people to come test out an experiment... Then i saw a flash And somewhere from the depths of my memories, my brain pulled out one of my old daydream scenarios.

I was in a laboratory with several other humans and we were all in a big glass box. Surrounding us were giants who took us out of the container and gave us baths, undressing us and scrubbing us down with toothbrushes so we would be clean for the examination.

I was taken away to a desk and meticulously examined from head to toe, the giant tried to probe me with questions but I was too shocked to speak.

Thats all I can remember but I was so fascinated by the dream that I started telling my family about it, now of course nobody wanted to hear me talk about my dream for 20 minutes, so my mom encouraged me to write it down.

And oh hell did I write.

My first long form writing stemmed from a dream I had, i wrote for months, of course, I was 13 do it was flaming garbage but I was so happy about it and thought it was a masterpiece.

So naturally as anyone would, I emailed it to my english teacher.

She never responded.

I wonder why.

To this day I pray that she never opened it, her emails being too cluttered with important school things that it got lost and never crossed her eyes.

But still, it was through this little writing that I began to realise my potential (lol cringe origin story-)

I still have the draft of the story, its plot and characters were a good foundation, and perhaps one day i will look it over, change a few things, get cancer and die.

During quarantine I discovered Sanders Sides, which led me down a fanfiction rabbit hole, which led me to tumblr, which led me to a creator called delimeful , not sure if they want to be tagged in this so I wont... They wrote some marvelous G/t Sanders sides fanfic and i soon realised... This is a community, it wasnt just them.. There was, so /much/ so many artists and writers that shared this niche interest, a community of people who g e t i t .

It started slow, I continued interacting with the tumblr community ( hell, the husk of my old blog might still roam this site (|||O⌓O;) )

Only ever looking for safe, wholesome g/t.

But where was the stomach-dropping exhilliration I had felt before, that rollercoaster feeling? What was missing??

I needed the fearplay, and in looking for it i stumbled into vore and that dynamic, playing with pred/prey and even more teasing. I was hesitant at first.

But lo and behold that was the gawd damn ticket. I started to write again, finding new stories and creators and tropes galore! I learned about the community, the terms and the subgenres!

Finally I gained confidence in my writing ability through a class that helped me grow my skills and practice.

And I eventually decided i could share all my hard work. All this time I had spent worrying if i should just keep it to myself, but i reminded myself of all the non beta read and unfinished work i had seen, and looking back at my own I was less afraid, people still liked it even then... So what could they say about mine ?

There ya go, thats my,, I guess life story told through the g/t Timeline.

Hopefully I was vague enough to not give away any behind the scenes, yall will never know who I am 😈😈😈

Also im not trying to bash any creators, I appreciate everyone who contributes to the community with anything they have.

[iantimony]

this tuesdaypost was drafted on monday, please clap

we are cookin with Gas this week

listening: listened to antimai a few times through, favorite track i think is 'ring 5: middle class'. dorian electra - man to man: really fun video too charasho (benny friedman): was linked in jew chat. very charming and funky. 5 Old French Dances: No. 5. Le Basque (arr. for 2 recorders and harpsichord): i heard this a billion year ago on the radio (my wakeup radio station on my alarm clock is classical) and i finally got around to saving a link for it. very bouncy very cute. makes me think of rabbits running in circles a la beatrix potter.

EDIT TO ADD: i also finally listened to beyonce 'cowboy carter'!! i know im late! it's good i like it! not a revolutionary opinion! obsessed with her jolene cover! that's all!

reading: big one this week! i FINISHED 'the left hand of darkness'! i really liked it! still marinating on the themes etc. i started 'the dispossessed', also by le guin, and am devouring that as well. there's some stuff in there that oof ough. existential. but i'm liking it so far, i'm around chapter 5 right now. physicists!

fanfic: imposter syndrome (mikkeneko): i might have already linked it but i can't be assed to go back through a few weeks of tuesdaypost to see if i already have. so if i did, here it is again. really charming premise, gut-punch of an ending, cool twist on the doppelganger setup from dungeon meshi with svsss.

the articles, some of which were actually read a while ago but i forgot to link and am now cleaning out my phone tabs: how will the golden age of 'making it worse' end? (david roth) new canada policy lets indigenous people reclaim their names (emma bowman) what happens to the stay-at-home girlfriend after a breakup? (erika w smith) unschooling is the parenting trend that's pissing everyone off (ej dickson) in defense of 'coffee badging' (monica torres): if i had a job that was all zoom calls i would literally go insane over being made to go into an office to take zoom calls. fuck that what my mother's wardrobe taught me about style and grief after she died: thinking a lot about all my dad's shit will semen destroy your shower drain? granny davis' geocaching page: found when i was looking at some reviews for caches near my apartment. im kind of obsessed with her. she also has a facebook page called 'granny's geo page' if you don't have a geocaching account. literally she is everything to me. she has found So Many fucking geocaches good god. wedding trivia questions: used as reference to create some wedding trivia for a bridal shower! similarly, the wikipedia page for morganatic marriages my fight with a sidewalk robot (emily ackerman): my school has these. hate them. my boyfriend just linked this to me and im obsessed, laser etched paperweights, i am not a huge paperweight girlie but wowwww prettyyyyy. the electron orbitals!!!! i had a search open for "anti mega #1 cray street". i have no idea what this is.

special edition: the link dump from my trip to the uk last month! some very related to the trip itself, a few random extras! top of the poops, an architectural firm bc i saw a sign with their logo and thought it was cool but now i can't find their logo, waring ader space invaders because i saw someone's shirt with the little space invader guys and was like ooh the tate museum joel meyerowitz (and another page about him) wikipedia on gratin dauphinois, wikipedia page on doncaster for some reason i did not go there list of artworks at the national portrait gallery of scotland wikipedia page on the jacobite uprising of 1745 washi tape that would match the edinburgh one i bought there, tintin in the land of the soviets postcard that i didnt end up getting wikipedia for a quaich which is a traditional scottish bowl, a wiki page on the geology of arthur's seat, a book in the scottish national galleries that i thought about purchasing but didn't want to try and fit in my luggage (she is definitely one of my new favorite artists though) wikipedia page on lauryn hill for some reason not sure how i got there, wikipedia page on salome halpir this post was on tumblr and i tried to find the item in the victoria and albert museum but it was sadly not on display, one of the audio guides i listened to a bit of in the v & a, a scarf i almost bought in the v & a a google search for the fabric library at harrods because my mom mentioned that it existed but i could not find it search for blinq (apparently spelled that way) blossoms because of a cocktail my brother's friend ordered that had one as a garnish wikipedia page on the mechanical explanations of gravitation

watching: from wool to cloth using a historical weaving technique (jillian eve): oughhh colors

emma in the moment/made in the moment: a deep dive into the chunky boy crochet lore the crochet stardew valley pillow drama untangling the shocking tale of mystical creations yarn i tried red heart's new all in one granny square yarn

some crochet tips videos from play hooky with me

tiffanyferg: 'personal style' discourse hgtv is a gentrification masterclass cleantok villains and the morality of messiness

playing: a teeny bit of wizard101

making: fallow. well i guess i drew on some cards for my friend's bridal shower. but generally fallow.

eating: made deb smittenkitchen's delicious carrot cake recipe. mine was a little ugly but really really delicious. i bought a bag of preshredded carrots and just sort of roughly chopped em up a little smaller because i couldn't be assed to grate them. i also couldn't be assed to trim the cakes, i did two smaller round pans and stacked them up but because i didn't trim them they were a little wibbly. oh well.

i'm going to bake another cake for my brother's birthday next weekend and i'm between her chocolate olive oil cake (looks really easy) and bittersweet chocolate and pear cake (a little more involved but highly recommended by bee)

misc: my mom wanted to take a sailing class but didn't want to do it alone so she offered to pay for me to come. sure, said i! i have never sailed! i like learning new skills! reader, it is So Fucking Hot Outside. the wind died and we had to get towed back to shore. the sun was so strong. there are so many ropes with all different names and they all Do Something. sunday's class got cancelled/rescheduled because the weather was That Bad (hot as fuck and no wind) so we're doing it probably friday instead (and saturday. and sunday. it's two weekends in a row of both days at 9am yayyyyy) but i just hope the weather is. better.

[maddiebiscuits]

i don't know how to phrase this any other way so i hope you don't find this rude or anything: you are (imo) a very skilled, very prolific art toaster. it's great quality artwork obviously, but your turnaround is wicked crazy fast to me. what does burnout look like for you? how do you manage to toast so many arts? what dark magics must you employ??

The hard truth is I worked in journalism for two years between 2010-2012 and customer service/hospitality starting at 16 years old in 2007 all throughout my life until 2022 and I don't want to go back to any of it now that I'm almost 33 - that's the main motivator to keep my freelance gig career doing art commissions going as long as possible. Fear and loathing of going back to that work environment keeps me focused.

In action...I'm not quite sure if I ever experience 'burn out'? I do experience art 'block' in that I can't think of anything to draw on my own or feel really unsatisfied with my work...so I just goof off with my canvas or do studies, but this doesn't interfere with doing commissions where I am told what to draw.

I just enjoy the physical act of drawing. Sometimes when I'm bored and restless and going for a walk doesn't help, I just draw more. When I was a kid I would just come home from school and draw crap between playing Gameboy/N64/Gamecube or browsing Elfwood/Newgrounds/DeviantART/Gaia Online, so it's literally just a habit now. If I don't draw for a long time I feel anxious and unwell. Somehow I just programmed my brain to think that art = leisure fun time, even if it's for work. I also tend to get into a "zone" sometimes and just put on video essays or music and a few hours later I'll have worked through some commission stuff.

I have three 'task lists' for my workflow:

A public trello board organized by work order types (N/SFW link)

A personal trello board organized by type/date in chronological order

A coloured tagging and folder system in my emails where I can just see the actual dates/timestamps of my last correspondence with a client so I know exactly who in my taskboard needs to be prioritized for their next WIP update

I hold myself to a standard of sending a client a WIP in stages:

rough draft (1-14 business days)

revisions (1-5 business days)

line art (1-14 business days)

revisions (1-5 business days)

final render (1-14 business days)

tweaks (1-2 business days)

So ideally, the client gets a finished commission in 3-6 weeks, so about 1-2 months. For larger projects I send more WIPs and the process is obviously longer. For simpler stuff like chibis, it's rarely a full six weeks. Over holidays I add an extra two weeks to my noted turn-around to account for IRL time off. On all my terms of service I have a maximum four months turn-around, essentially doubling the time I know my work flow is just in case there's some sort of medical or equipment emergency in my life that I need to account for that gives me a buffer (I also notify all clients)

Monday to Friday I wake up usually...late morning/early afternoon? I do anywhere from four to eight hours of artwork, broken up by walks, stretching, eating, cleaning, cooking, hanging out with my partner, etc. I look at my personal trello taskboard and emails to see what must be done and what can wait. I try to get at least 1-2 things done in a day though, be that sketches/line art/renders/revisions.

Right now I am looking at my email and task board, and the client with the highest wait time chronologically is someone who is waiting for their final render (sketch and line art already revised and done for them). Last email correspondence with them on the email says 9 days ago (so 7 business days, I'm supposed to take Sat-Sun off). Their order was paid in full and confirmed by me on November 9 and it is currently December 13, so I'm at about the 5 week mark (not accounting for delays in clients getting back to me of course) and I am very much On Course for my work load, no one has been without contact from me for 14 days or more so I'm pretty ahead of my game right now! I could take tomorrow off if I wanted, or only do 3-4 hours of work if I feel like it.

However the more work you finish and post, the more you show prospective clients your ability to finish orders and show your audience more art for engagement, so ideally I always like posting stuff when I can, it just creates a cycle of positive production and income.

[melody-han-wayne]

(OOC: Update + Apology—Long Post)

So I've been pretty much non-existent for the past 4 months or so BUT I can explain!

Basically what happened is that I emigrated to not just a different country, but a different continent on literally the other side of the world from where I grew up. And I left behind all my friends and family at home, meaning I came here alone and I'm still alone and probably will be alone for as long as I remain in this new country. So for the past few months I've been dealing with moving and settling down and making plans to secure my future in this new country—heck, just making sure I can have a future in this new country. I'm more or less settled into my new life now (except for the planning for the future part) but before that I kind of forgot about Melody for a while 🫥

So anyway the guilt ate away at my subconscious and Melody's voice came to me in a dream and berated me for abandoning her, so I woke up and quickly came to check on my baby. And I realise, to my utter mortification and horror, that I never paused my Tumblr queue, so all the half-baked ideas, the rough drafts, the tentative-but-not-in-chronological-order character development, had been posting itself while I was away 🫠. So if during the past 5 months you saw my blog degenerate into a bigger and bigger mess and wondered "What the heck is going on"—it's not you, it's me. Right now I'm just trying to salvage what I can of my blog (and my dignity) and reorganise everything I originally planned for Melody (tbh I forgot half of it but I'm sure the memories are in here somewhere, I just have to clean out the dust and oil the gears first).

Honestly I have no idea how many people follow(ed) Melody's story, I might as well be posting into the void for all I know. But like so many of the other RPers on this blog I started because I was bored and had some ideas in my head that wouldn't leave me alone, and over time I became attached to my OC and her story (perhaps unhealthily so). That's part of the reason why I decided not to just delete my blog and make my absence permanent. Because working on this self-indulgent project used to make me happy, and because I still have some ideas I want to share with whoever might be lurking around. Another reason is because of the community that welcomed me and that I personally watched grow. Even when this blog was at its 'most active' I probably didn't interact with other RPers as much as I should/could have (again, it's not you, it's me) but what little interaction we did have I truly did enjoy as we built and connected our own stories and characters while also interpreting the DC ones. I don't think I've said this before, and I don't think I'll ever say it enough, but really, thank you all for being willing to indulge me and play with me. This has been a lovely space to be in, and you guys combined are like 80% of the reason ❤️❤️❤️❤️

@florence-wayne-official @kit-the-nonbinary-wayne @that-one-gotham-kid @amira-wayne-al-ghul @warren-wayne-kyle @teagrayson + anyone I missed, knowing the rate at which this community grows there's bound to be at least one person I didn't tag (it's not a snub—again, not you, it's me and my bad memory—please don't be offended 🥺)

((idk if tagging everyone is proper etiquette after my prolonged absence, I was just going to say 'you know who you are' at first and leave it at that but I'm not sure if you guys actually know who you are 😅 so if I'm breaking some kind of unspoken Tumblr code of etiquette I apologise again))

(((I didn't mean for that above note to sound as rude as it did)))

ANYWAYS if you've read past the wall of text above to make it down here congratulations and thank you, I'll be doing my best to clean up/revise my blog and my OC and her story in the coming weeks and hopefully get some sort of continuity back on track :) I'm also trying to figure out what happened in the rest of the RP community in my absence so if I reply to a three-month-old post now: once again, it's not you, it's me, and there's totally no obligation to engage with.

Can't wait to hang out with the Batfamily again ☺️ plus all my RP siblings, half-siblings, future siblings, stepsiblings, undead siblings etc XD

[colorguardsweetheartblurrsgirl]

Hey...Been a while (My Bad)

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Happy Holidays everyone!!! I know I'm late to the party, life's been kinda CRAZY BUSY Drama and stuff happened. Didn't have time to breath. I did want to post art for the Holidays, art I originally planned for last year. Didn't work out, Wil make eventually, as I love the plan still I set out to make last year and want to still create it. But some new stuff in life that effects schedule was new to me and the exhaustion it brought I wasn't used to. Things seem a bit better so I'm hoping to get back in the swing of it. Starting classes for a month soon so I will have a little less chaos and more time to work on art and stuff hopefully when that happens. (We'll see, prayers all the same)

So, been working on 1st Few chapters, cleaning up. Wanted to know for if you guys wanted me to post favorite lines on occasion. I know I've talked about it before... But maybe set a schedule of every other week or something to share. Like maybe share first lines? Let me know! #stry

~~~

In the meantime, while art has been slower, I have still been working on story bits (so much so I've had days I've tired myself out and wanted to work on other things. But I still have the drive for it. I just give myself occasional break cause you know you don't want something to be a chore when creating. It was more working on some chapters technical stuff which was the chore as it sometimes is. Seems more so when you have it pretty set in stone but have to fix little things that are annoying). I've also been dreadfully stretching out writing out the full outline, I have a form of it in my document (and a terribly built early version from the early days of this fix revolving around the first several chapters events).... However, due to having it fully thought out now I'm at the point I'm hammering nearly 24/7 in my head that while I want to work on art or more story writing I need to sit down and do this. As a visual and do it learner I know for me I need to more so get several printed paper laid out and write in order the outline (not timeline, but that to eventually I've got a very old draft from the early days of the timeline as well. But I need to work on that after too)... So yeah... Just something I'm procrastinating on that despite having the Outline fully or "mostly" fully embodied for the 3-6 books (with all that happens in books 3 or what likely is 5 & 6 I realize it could end up becoming 7 books, but I'm trying to not say that just yet)... But yeah, i have the main things figured out and mostly all events of Book 1 & 2 (most likely it will be Books 1-4 figured out) all the major events have long been in stone for all the books it's just the puzzle pieces of where certain things go and the figuring out battles that is the main thing of the later books not fully visualized ubt story beats are already in stone for the later ends I just realize some may be added to help flesh things out in the later books. Yeah, some reason the one piece of this story that's a chore is getting myself to sit down and do the outline, money isn't a issue at the moment. Though i have some house work that is why some things have been stalled. It's just one of those funny bits I can't get myself to do, despite creating continually for it...

So yeah, really part of me stalling has been trying to get myself to sit down and do what I need to do as a writer instead of relying on the road map in my head (cause I don't want to mess up). That said, lately due to a family member who has connections wanting to read the first few chapters. I've been really working on getting the first five chapters and the Overture (I decided due to length and as it fit better for the story the Prologue is more called the Overture) as I make many references to songs and other reasons. Just like the epilogue (which I long have written and last year I reworked and rewrote, I told my mom what the epilogue entails without reading it to her, as she doesn't want to read any of it till it's created my parents and larger family have been heavily supportive including my friends of me finally setting out to write my first original series... But she literally cried when I told her the ending and the epilogue which I call Before Curtain Bows (and something else that is a stage reference, i grew up on the stage so it's kinda fits to call these such for me and how the story is titled literally spelling out story I kinda pay homage to how they used to be told as if on stage).

Anyways, I know I said I wouldn't do any more long updates. BUt I felt since it's been a while I would. I hope to post more art stuff soon. Unrelated to what I was working on for a while (also to my friend waiting for the birthday gift, I decided to hold it till this birthday so you'll see it in a few months which allows me to work on it a bit more along with other things since it became slightly bigger then I expected it to be while working on it on and off).

Also with the "Recent Business" in my life, it kinda recently inspired me to make just a short, non scheduled Henry Stickmin Collection short random comic with the characters of THSC in a similar place and shenanigans inspired by my experiences in said place. I'll give you more info in the Update 0.5 comic I hope to post and get finished soon. Like I said was to busy to work on anything. But hope to get some of this up soon. I also have a update to my last post where I outlined it and added more details so I'll be posting that (I wanted to see if I can use my scanner but that rooms blocked off by boxes right now gotta figure out a way to navigate it to do so).

Anyways, that's all from me on updates....

Here's a sketch from the 0.5 Update to prove I'm doing stuff other then technical stuff on the novel portion.

THIS WILL BE DIGITILIZED LATER... just rough sketch dump from back when I made this little idea.

[allqrcoded]

Devlog 5: Where are we headed? + Year end origin stories

Welcome back.

In all seriousness, I don't know how to number these things. Does the counter restart once the game you were talking about last dev log finishes production? Do you just keep on continuing despite now starting a new project? Either way, I'll go on & keep this as is. The year's almost ending and I feel like it's about time to announce the new game I'm working on (as if it weren't obvious that the MCs were revealed in my art blog months ago, but either way...)

With angel care officially being released on July of this year along with into sun&dark being a mini game jam project I sent out within the same time, there left a hole in my heart where handling a big project such as a game cemented itself in. Albeit, working on angel care has been a wild journey to say the least, but throughout it, I found out that telling stories through games allows me to merge the 2 things I love doing (writing & art). If making comics didn't click for me and solely writing a novel makes me worry about the specific character designs that might get lost, then making games is perfect.

Whilst the characters of angel care were solely made out of new OCs, Lucas and Del from sundark were actually repurposed characters from an old story I never completed. The universes weren't exactly the same, but the concept of doomsday remained. Rex from this new project, Descent to Negative Zero, follows the same repurposing. This time, it's about someone who comes back… Again, yes, but that trope is my favorite.

Origin stories

If you've been a follower of my art blog since last year, you might've seen a character I drew during October, Ace, with another character from a fandom I was active in (Daybreak.) He was a submission in a contest, but never got in, so I shelved him for a bit until this year, thinking that I could use him for an RPGMaker game in the future, since I always had the dream to make one (and guess where we are right now...) A bit dismayed because I had a fondness for him at that time, I clung onto that "maybe." And so, he sat there for a while, and eventually, my fondness for him faded away once I got the idea of angel care. Long live his skater boy and bunny motif along with his pink dyed hair.

And, look! Some drafts of the AC trio from last year too. But, moving onto Ace and fast forward to the final stretches of the AC bug-fixing hell...

(^ I remember back then that I really liked this final piece. Sometimes I keep thinking to myself that last year's events were from 2 years ago.)

My mind then drifted to Ace again... Disappearances and mist snatching, huh? Well, disappearing sounds good for a plot point, but I still need to work around the mist thing (Daybreak character entrails he left that I needed to clean up before he's completely separate from it.) The bunny motif and the pink hair were cute too. I wasn't too sure about the skater thing, so I decided to change it.

Long story short, he transformed from a skater to a shoegazer (my projection. I just wanted to include that song genre into this because I love it and for the sake of OST potential too). Kyle (the dude I used to draw him with a lot) needed a replacement too, so thus, his skater boy gene got transferred to Josh, his new best friend. Whilst that whole tangent was a big factor in the repurposing stage, in terms of clothes, Rexosh both wear some items in my closet that I just took and adjusted a bit -- both came from thrift stores, actually! Knowing that, I decided to make them thrifters and have them go to one in an early game flashback.

Right now, I don't have the jacket Josh wears because that's being tailored, but most of the elements are inspired by that.

I won’t spoil too much of the plot, but I will say that it’s connected to one of my previous games. Dt-z almost became a short summer visual novel until sundark came along and replaced it instead. Whilst its main element in the story stayed the same, it turned more puzzle-focused in the end.

Progress report/since when?

Starting up the project during summer, it’s been around four months since I made the first (yes, since it did get corrupted in some instances) RPGMaker file for it. Right now, I’m around coding the mid-point of the game with a bunch of placeholders in the project to get the ball rolling in the coding space since making parallax maps takes a while for me. Dt-z is more visually out there than AC, with the use of shadow overlays and what not. Making them for dozens of maps is a bit tedious (so, that’s why I’m putting that job in the late coding stage), but the end result is stunning.

As I’m writing this, I’ve paused on coding one of the mid-game puzzles. Surprisingly, I get a lot of stuff done in the weekends with this project. Making the solutions for them is a bit time-consuming, yes, but seeing it play out makes it worth it. Unlike AC, I don’t have all the time in the world to work on this game because of IRL matters, etc. So, the fact that I still managed to get a good amount of progress in just 4 months is pretty good. The dialogue doc for this game is also done in areas regarding important cutscenes, including a rough draft of what the end game would be like (right now, it's longer than AC's script page count wise! Maybe that's because I included some flavor text there.) I still have to adjust aspects of the script to keep their situation plausible there, but other than that, it's good. Without any context, here are some screenshots of what the maps look like from October and a recent one I took:

Albeit, I still need to adjust some things accordingly, but since this project is still in its baby stage, I'm not prioritizing that sort of thing right now.

So far, I'm trying to avoid the trend of RPGMaker game puzzles needing to find a key in every room and while puzzle making is a thing I'm not that experienced with, I realized that I took most of my inspiration with them with the games I've been playing these months, Death Mark and Spirit Hunter: NG.

Of course, me picking up those games wasn't because of wanting to take inspiration from them first — I just wanted a way to de-stress, but after a bit, I took some mental notes in my mind. NG's puzzles are very satisfying to solve. Whilst this dev log isn't focused on what games I played for the month, let's just say that I preferred NG over DM for a variety of things.

Moreover, I've been adjusting the endings and the way you get lore tidbits through the story to make the true end of the game pack more of a punch so that by the time you go ending hunting, you won't get dragged down by the same realizations the characters go through. There's a lot of flavor text I have to write, essentially.

Let's talk about themes

Continuing the trend of wanting to explore themes close to my heart in my bigger projects, Dt-z is in the same light with AC. Whilst the mood is entirely different (color palette not so cool/winter, characters being younger, even the premise being puzzle focused), Dt-z's themes were the ones that more or less defined my summers, just like how AC defined my winters (even if where I lived didn't snow, but, nevertheless, the phrasing still sticks).

I like to think that making art, helps me process stuff a bit and that's why I still got an itch in me to take up another big project similar to AC despite me knowing that this year would be busier than the last. I'm remaining vague here to not spoil the entire plot of it, but let's say that I hold the message I want to say through this dear to my heart. There's a lot I want to say regarding these two games (including sundark!), but I want to work on letting my audience make up their own conclusion on the work just based off the content without my involvement.

Albeit, as an artist, I've always had this selfish desire in me to want everyone to get this one conclusion — this one reading on what I worked on because with every piece I make, there's always a message I want to tell. But, through the years, I've gotten to the point where I stopped pseudo-denying the fact that people aren't like that. I've started even enjoying other readings of my work because through them, I get to see more perspectives I haven't even considered whilst keeping the main point in mind. So, let's just say that AC is about death and angels and winter and friendship and love. And with Dt-z, it's about love too because love is just universal.

Thanks for coming

Restraining myself from talking more about Dt-z's details… In summary, I've been enjoying working on this project. Rexosh really are fun to draw & I want to share their story sometime once I'm finished. I want to write more trivia blogs later on with my released games (especially AC because I have a lot to talk about there), but for now, I'll keep on going.

[mbistuff]

My reply to this seems to have been eaten by Tumblr, so I'm gonna do it as a reblog.

I'm probably considered less enfranchised than many people here, having started at Strixhaven. I tried Magic Arena on a pure whim, and it quickly ended up becoming a daily ritual for me. Since then, the game's progressed from "Well it's free to play, may as well play it" to "This next set looks really cool, guess I'll check out the story" to "May as well pick up a commander deck or two and check out the local scene" to "Travelling over an hour both ways to attend drafts and prereleases".

Magic turned out to be the card game I'd always wanted. I fell in love with the mechanics, the world, the characters, the stories and the way the company running it seemed to actually communicate with their players. Magic felt like something truly special.

I had my gripes, of course. I vastly prefered formats with smaller card pools, with the two 5-card standard sets I got to experience being some of my favourite times to be playing Magic. When WotC announced the change to rotation, I was disappointed, but understood the logic and still defended them.

Universe Beyond always felt wrong to me, and while I didn't play any of the formats it was present in (besides the occasional commander game), it still felt like I was being advertised to. Still, I simply played less furing the summer months when they were the new Tentpole set on Arena, feeling pretty safe knowing that I never needed to interact with the cards. After all, Wizards had promised that I wouldn't need to.

The pace of new product was too much. I was able to ignore much of it, but it felt like each set was getting less and less time in the spotlight. A set felt new and we were already seeing previews for the next shiny new thing. Every set just started feeling disposable, just one in the long line of new product. Still, again, Wizards said they were aware of the issue.

The last few sets definitely felt more hollow than most had in the past. Unlike many, I actually mostly enjoyed and defended the story, especially those written by Seanan McGuire. It was the cards themselves that often didn't live up to the world that the writing had created. Still, I looked more towards what I did enjoy, rather than the things I thought mixed. Wizards seemed to be listening, and these mistakes all felt pretty fixable. I was actually feeling optimistic about the future of the game until Friday.

Friday was crushing. I feel like my trust has been entirely misplaced.

For a start, six standard sets a year is way too much. Even outside the absurd pace, it means that over the the course of this decade, Standard is going from a size of 5-8 sets to 14-19 sets, with one of these sets being double in size.

Universes Beyond in Standard is the big thing. Companies digging up old IP is everwhere these days and quite frankly, I'm sick of it. It feels like everything is a reboot or a crossover or a nostalgic tie-in. Magic felt like something special, something that for the most part could exist as itself in a media landscape turning increasingly derivitive. Now, with outside IP replacing standard Magic sets, it just feels like an advertisement, it just feels like everything else. The magic of Magic is gone.

Then there's my specific problem with Final Fantasy. I've had this franchise in my backlog for years, with me avoiding spoilers this entire time. Every year, I play through one or two jRPGs as blindly as possible, with one of my goals being to experience every main Final Fantasy jRPG game. These past few days, I've seen multiple spoilers for the franchise, just by being in general discussion spaces for Magic. Magic has become an obstacle to me enjoying Final Fantasy.

But what gets me most is the lies. In 2021, WotC promised that UB wouldn't come to Standard. As the company works three years ahead of time, we know that it took just a single year to internally break that promise. You could have came clean about the change of plans at any time since then. Heck, I recall recent statements that UB would remain something being done in addition to the regular output.

How the hell am I supposed to trust anything the Magic team says again, having knowingly left lies on the website for three years? My faith in Magic has been broken, and I don't even know what it would take to fix at this point.

I'm going to leave off by saying that since your promises mean so little, why not abolish the Reserve List? From my experience, the sentiment is that all it does is gatekeep new players from higher power formats. It seems very much the will of the playerbase at large (who are aware of it, at least) to see it gone.

I’ve always felt the core role of this blog has been one of information. We make a lot of choices in design, and I try to use my various communications, including Blogatog, to walk the players through what we were thinking when we made key decisions.

The challenge with this approach is that it’s very logic-focused. It uses intellectual justifications to explain actions. But the problems I’m often responding to are emotional in origin. I have a good friend who’s a psychologist. He refers to this (using the words of author Robyn Gobbel) as an owl brain solution to a watchdog brain problem.

When someone is hurting, hearing about why the thing that is causing them pain is the result of intellectual decisions falls flat. That’s what has been causing some tension lately here on Blogatog.

It’s clear that for some Question Marks changes over the last few years represent the loss of something key to what makes Magic special to them. To them, the game is losing its heart.

While I can’t necessarily do anything about that, I want to better understand what you’re going through. So I’m using this post to ask players who are concerned with the recent changes to help me understand their feelings. Let me hear your stories about how your lives have been affected by these changes.

[totallynotafurry]

Unnamed Cat Colony Story: Ranks and Jobs

Since I am taking inspiration from Warriors, I have a similar colony structure. However, I added and changed the ranks and jobs to set my work apart from Warriors and to add more jobs for the cats to do. There is only so much you can do with cats in the woods conceptually without stepping into furry nonsense territory (ie. cats making tools and/or cooking food in fire pits). I want the cats to remain limited in their knowledge and their physicality. Due to that, there’s inevitably going to be cross over. I tried my best to set it apart from WC by using military ranks and titles. I am also aware that my story is going to have similarities with other WC rewrites and whatnot. That’s a coincidence I assure you. The only rewrite I read before drafting my story was the old Warrior Cats redux, a rewrite I greatly hate but that’s another discussion. Again, I tried my best :/

Ranks:

Commander: The leader of the colony who has the final say on all decisions. They maintain order, promote cats to higher ranks, and decide if an outsider is good enough to join. Commanders also conduct ceremonies and festivals (if they so choose).

Second Commander: Second Commanders are chosen by the commander only. When the commander is out of commission, the second commander takes over. Succession is exactly the same as in Warriors. When the commander retires, dies, or is exiled, the second commander becomes the commander. I couldn’t avoid this as it made the most logical/logistical sense within the story. I thought about the cats having a democratic vote, but it caused internal problems and clashed with the story I wanted to tell so copy/paste.

Ambassador: Ambassadors are the diplomats of the colony. They exchange news, arrange meetings, talk through conflicts, and work as a third leader of the colony if the commanders are out of commission. If the first and second commander are killed, exiled, or whatever else, the ambassador ascends to commander. Ambassadors are chosen by the commander only. Oftentimes, scout majors are chosen to be ambassadors as they tend to be faster than soldiers, but this isn’t always the case. On the night of the waxing crescent phase, all ambassadors go to Outsider’s Grove to look for recruits. It is their job to convince the cats there to join their colony over the others (and examine if the cats are fit enough to join).

The Council: There are five council members, excluding the previous three roles (8 in total), each chosen by the commanders. Once a captain is appointed to the council, they gain the new rank and title “Major.” They discuss news, vote on decisions, and exchange ideas. While not in meetings, majors attend to their normal captain duties.

Majors: The highest ranking field role. Majors are essentially captains but with more authority. There are usually 1-2 majors per group.

Captains: Each group has at least 1-2 captains. Privates are promoted to captains by the commander after a previous captain is promoted, demoted, retired, dead, or exiled. Captains maintain their groups, oversee training, delegate jobs, set squads on missions, track sleeping schedules, report to the commander, perform assessments, lead trainee graduation ceremonies, and more. They’re busy cats.

Privates: The lowest field rank. They’re the grunts.

Jobs:

There are three field jobs: nurses, soldiers, and scouts.

Nurses: Nurses maintain the safety and cleanliness of the camp, keep track of mated pairs and their litters, and protect, care for, and teach kittens. When kittens are old enough (3-5 months) nurses enlist their help for tasks like camp cleaning and den repair. Nurses teach kittens basic in-camp evasion and hiding techniques and regularly run drills. Usually, there are 4 total nurses with 1 captain and 1 major.

Soldiers: The most dangerous role. Soldiers are the fighters and defenders of the colony. They chase/fight off intruders and predators, they guard the camp entrance, and they shadow scouts to keep them safe while they perform their duties. Since being a soldier is a very demanding and dangerous job, the job is widely unpopular, but the cats who choose it are treated with respect. Soldier trainees go through more rigorous training where they learn specific battle techniques for different predators. Four of the best soldiers are selected to be sentries, guards who sit by the camp entrance and keep an eye out for intruders. There must be at least one sentry at the entrance at all times. There are usually 2 soldier captains, and 2 majors.

Scouts: The most common role. Scouts go out, patrol the land for predators, hunt, and alert the colony of any danger. Scouts do not fight normally, but they are trained to combat competitors like stoats, weasels, and foxes as they will deal with them on hunts. They do not fight more dangerous predators like coyotes unless they absolutely have to. If a scout is being chased by a predator they are trained to lead it far away from the camp and lose it before returning home. There are usually 2 scout captains and 2 majors.

Trainees: Younger cats who train to become scouts, soldiers, or nurses are called trainees. All trainees need to be about 6 months old before they can begin a 2 month basic training regiment under the guidance of captains. Here, they learn how to hunt, track, climb, evade predators, fight, and perform/read tail-signals. During this time, trainees can switch roles if they so choose, but once they are assigned to a trainer for 1 on 1 training, it is heavily encouraged to not switch as to not waste the trainer’s time. Captains are not allowed to reject a trainee unless they fail an assessment numerous times. If they do, that captain can commune with the other group captains and suggest putting that trainee in a different group.

I kept the 6 months rule as, like with deputies, it just makes the most sense. Warriors is weird in that 6-month-old cats are treated like kittens (and I mean like tiny tiny kittens) until they receive the “paw” suffix where they level up to adolescent. Apprentices are always said to be real short when, in reality, 6-month-old cats are about the size of a grown cat. They wouldn’t be that small compared to an adult. At 6 months, a cat is big enough and strong enough to do more vigorous tasks. They’re officially an adolescent until they hit a year old where they’re classified as grown. So yeah, 6 months to start training just made sense, especially in my more dangerous world. Warriors got that right.

Not all trainees are young cats though. Newcomers who join the colony become trainees, but they have the benefit of having a shorter preliminary training period and tend to graduate sooner. Captains and majors tend to wait for adolescents to reach adulthood (one year old) before promoting them so they have longer training times. Already grown strays do not need to wait.

That’s it for now. Feel free to ask questions.

[olderjodijournals]

Thursday, March 2, 1995

 

Not much has happened in the last few days. Today’s appointment went well. The good news is that there should only be about 4 follow-up appointments after surgery, then I won’t have to see him for 6 months to a year.

After all the ear stuff is out of the way. I’ll hardly ever have doctor appointments. Especially since I’ll never have a kid. Knowing I’ll never have a kid is one thing. Accepting it is another. I’m sure I will in time. Once I see that Tom still doesn’t cum after he’s changed jobs, we’re in business, and my ear stuff’s over with, it’ll really sink in. The part about it that I’m grateful for is that if we did have a kid, I know I’ll be missing this life so badly. I don’t understand how I could want to put myself through such shit physically, mentally, and financially, and put our marriage in jeopardy. I’m sure I’ll come to my senses soon enough. There were other things I used to want for quite a while that I no longer want, so my feelings will change for the better if they don’t diminish completely.

Got other things to do, so I’ll write later.

Friday, March 3, 1995

 

Again, not much has happened. I did finish printing out 64 today. Also, after I worked out I accidentally smashed my can of marshmallow spread all over the kitchen floor.

Saturday, March 4, 1995

 

Yesterday we bombed this place. We left at 5 AM and drove around through PHX, Tempe, and Scottsdale for two hours till we returned at 7 AM. Naturally, we took Piggles with us.

Sunday, March 5, 1995

 

Yesterday Tom trimmed 3” from my hair. I hated to do it, but it was so dead, and really needed it. Every 6 weeks I’ll have him trim a quarter of an inch.

I’m gonna be mailing them a letter next door. It’s brief and friendly, but blunt. I know them. Their kids are gonna scream up a storm nearly every day till June. Then in the fall it’ll start back up again and die down from November to February. I ain’t putting up with it. It’s that plain and simple. I was here first, not that that should matter when it comes to other people forcing their noise on you. Fair is fair, so I enclosed this number in case my music got loud, but I’m pretty positive they can’t hear it anyway. I told them briefly about my ear, ear surgery, and why certain sounds register differently within me. While they do sound like nice people from what little contact we’ve had, I doubt they give a shit. It’s been obvious enough that they have no respect for those around them, but we’ll see. It’s that time of year where from about 8:30 AM - 7 PM I’ll hear them on and off mostly in the back. If I don’t notice any difference, then I’ll do everything I can think of to go out of my way to be heard over here. I don’t think it’ll make a bit of difference over 5 screaming kids, but I’ll think of something. I feel that if they respond to my request, God will do something else to me, but it’s a chance I’ll take. I just wish I knew what God’s message was in all this. There are only one or two other houses on this street with little kids, so why me? It doesn’t make me want my own any less, but I sure am sick of other people’s kids. My attitude’s still the same - if I’m not gonna hear my own someday, then I don’t want to hear nobody else’s.

Later...

I talked to Andy for quite a while. He said he was going through his stuff and cleaning when he came across a bag with tons of NPN cards I’d given him eons ago. Neither of us cares for or wants them; only envelopes. Then he said he came across 1 NPN envelope that he thought was his and opened it. Instead, it was an old draft of the journal subindex I had begun in ‘92. I did journals 1-22. He said he had hoped I wouldn’t be mad that he read it, I wrote nothing that made me look bad or that I should be embarrassed about, and was totally fascinated by it and how much I write.

I pulled out 16 and read him the note he gave me as he brought me to the airport to go to Florida. This was in late 1989 when I went for my 24th birthday. I also read him the letter I had him write and send to Jenny C. This was after our day in court when he was here and I was living in S. Deerfield.

I wish Tom wasn’t such a procrastinator. He said he was gonna call about stuff we ordered and never got. I can bet you that if I never remind him of it, he’ll never call. He may be busy and not feel well here and there, but there are just too many things he puts off. I really, really believe he’s trying to force patience into me. He denies that, but it does make me wonder. I don’t consider myself impatient, though. Just someone who likes to get stuff done. I also think he’s obsessed with me taking care of stuff he knowingly drops or rearranges. Other than that all is fine.

Tuesday, March 7, 1995

 

I just talked to Andy a little while ago. He sent me an 8-page letter he got last September from his part-time boyfriend in Tucson. He also sent some Gloria pictures and two articles about thousands of prank calls made in Japan. Lastly, he sent 3 pictures. One of him here in Arizona, one of his old apartment building on Belmont Ave. back east, and one of my old apartment building on Woodside Terrace.

Later...

Wow! I actually fell asleep for 2½ hours or so after I last wrote. That’s unusual for me. Especially cuz I slept from about noon yesterday till 9 PM. Once again, maybe something is preparing me to be a day person for something other than the business. For the business, it won’t matter what time I work as long as I get done whatever work needs to be done.

Yesterday while I slept Tom went over to try to fix Andy’s VCR. It’s hopeless, so now I’m stuck taping his shows for a few days. It’s a pain, but I can’t turn a friend down.

Despite Andy’s soaps, there are 3 good movies on tonight. Why is it that there are always so many good things on at once? Well, there are only two VCRs here, not 3, so I’ll have to pick out the two I want to record.

The Gloria pictures he sent are not appealing at all, so I’ll put some in NPN envelopes and mail some to Bob. Bob will probably try to draw them. He sent a letter today with a Gloria drawing. It came out well.

After I show Tom the two prank phone call articles from Tokyo, I’ll probably mail them to Kim.

I saw the interview with Gloria who had 5 male impersonators doing a video for her at the time her baby was due. It was pretty interesting to see, but she looked terrible. Her hair was gross and she looked tired, older, and fatter.

Andy’s letter from Chris will be tossed in an NPN envelope.

When I saw the picture of the old Woodside place, I felt two emotions. First I cringed due to all the painful memories that go with that place. Then I laughed to myself, knowing never ever again will I ever have to live there again or live that kind of a life again! I would take a screaming crying baby to listen to 24 hours a day before I ever lived back east again, alone, or had any part of my old life back again.

Later...

Tom’s at work now and I’m just hanging out doing this and that today.

Tom said he no longer wants to put stuff off that needs to be done, which he said he’d do. That’s cool.

I called Tammy. Bill’s been in the hospital now for two months. She said that last night if she’d had a gun, she would’ve shot herself. Did I ever know that feeling oh so well for so many years?!

I redid my bedroom walls and printed out an updated journal chart.

Today I’m sending the letter next door. They should get it tomorrow. The last few days have been very quiet, but we’ll see how things go in time.

I also finished 66 and am now working on 67.

Thursday, March 9, 1995

 

Yesterday they should’ve gotten my letter. They didn’t call or come running over about it, which I’m not surprised about. It’s been peaceful for nearly a week, but I will be surprised if it stays that way. Anyway, they’re quiet a little more than half of the time. Hopefully, it’ll be almost all of the time from now on.

Yesterday I finished my third book on my current story (89). For now, I’ll keep on typing up and printing out story drafts like I normally do but will copy it in when I get a new journal for it which will be 90.

Later...

I am sitting outside now. Boy, is this journal bright in the sunlight! I came out here cuz I couldn’t fall asleep yet. I got up last night at 12:30, so in a few hours, I oughta be asleep.

It’s that time of year now when I have to keep checking the pool which I’m right by for bees. At least they’re not here every other second yet. Not till it gets really hot.

It’s a beautiful day today. Around 75º. The sun’s warm, but it’s breezy. It’s supposed to be in the mid-upper 70s through till Mon. We’re in for some showers and T-storms this weekend too, I hear.

Not a peep from next door, but at this time of year, it’s still a bit early for them. This weekend will be more of a true test. I just may not be awake to test most of the day. At this point, I don’t think they give a shit till and if I see differently. That time I told Dean that I was sorry for going off on his wife when they were moving in, he said he understood. Well, if he understood, then why was it such a circus over there for several more days after I gave a piece of my mind?

That black and white cat I call Oreo just crossed through the yard.

God, it’s getting hot now. I better go in.

Friday, March 10, 1995

 

I just finished typing/printing journal 67. I also typed the letter I got yesterday from Kim. Later on today, I may begin letters to Kim, Bob, and my parents.

Can you believe I did not wake up till 5 AM? Yesterday I was up for nearly 20 hours. I never even woke up to go to the bathroom. I weigh 98 pounds too, surprisingly.

When I was writing all about our trip to Vegas and our wedding, I noticed I forgot to mention something. A few days before we were to leave for Vegas, we got rings. His is a size 10 which they had available for him that day. The closest size they had that’d fit me at the time was a 6. They could not get my size before we left, so I had to get it when we came back. At first, I thought a 4¼ would fit just fine, but I had to end up getting a 4½.

Andy hopes to be able to pick up his VCR today. I’m gonna tape his soaps for him again today, for the third day.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this or not, but I rearranged the bedroom walls. You know those plastic-covered pieces of cardboard you stick pictures into photo albums? Well, I took about 9 of them, tore the plastic off and taped pictures onto them. Then, I taped that onto the walls. I did this to protect the pictures and make it easier for me to rearrange them. It’s easier to remove a sturdy piece of cardboard off the walls than the actual pictures themselves which rip a lot easier.

Later...

I thought I heard something from next door yesterday, but couldn’t be too sure cuz I had the fan on. I asked Tom if he heard any wild street parties and he said he only heard them out front for an instant. That was in the late afternoon. It’s a bit chilly till then, but as soon as that sun’s raced around to the front, they race out there. A month from now when it’s warm all day is when I usually hear them on and off all day and they move to the back. If I’m right in my theory about them not giving a shit, then it’s gonna be really fucking noisy out front from about 3:00 - 6:00. It’s to be 80º today.

Later...

Tom’s home now and he’s on the phone now talking with Eldon.

Today was his last day at AMEX. He found out today he’s eligible for unemployment.

Amazingly enough, when he came home, shortly after noon, he said he saw the woman next door leaving. He couldn’t tell if anyone else was with her or not. I can almost bet you that the reason she left, though, was to go to her GYN for her fucking 6th kid that’s on its way, no doubt.

Later...

They just came back next door, but I got a few hours till party time.

It’s hot out there now and I’ve got the EC on now bringing in the fresh air.

Tom and I were just talking about how things were going great now and how we’re in a great position to start the business and have a kid. He’s gonna be sleeping with me more often to make that easier and more possible.

Saturday, March 11, 1995

 

I have only one more chapter in my library book.

We had a storm today, but it wasn’t much of a big deal. It’s still windy out and a bit chilly, but it’s not raining. Still, I doubt there’ll be any street parties today.

I haven’t heard much from next door, but last night at 10 PM as I was falling asleep, he started to get weird on me with that van over there. He came in at 10:00, shut the van off, got out, then came back and turned it on again. After 2-3 minutes of it running, I figured why bother to wait and see if he let it run for a half-hour or so, so I turned my fan up from medium to high.

Last night I thought I was coming down with a cold. I was sneezing and had a sore throat. Luckily it was only allergies, cuz when I got up I was perfectly fine.

Tom’s working on the cigarette machine now.

We screwed earlier. He wants to screw more and more and he really does want a kid from what he tells me. Oh, Tom. You’re gonna have to cum, though. You’re just gonna have to cum. If that’s what you really want, you’re gonna have to cum.

I began a major project today. It should not take too long to do, but I’m re-editing my 8 edit tapes. There are too many reps on each edit. It gets boring, as funny as they are when they’re each too long. Anyway, I’ve begun to go through and cut them shorter. So far, one whole side of a 90-minute tape has been cut to half a side of a 90-min.

Tuesday, March 14, 1995

 

Boy, have we been busy these last few days. Things have been great, though.

It’s been very quiet next door. If it’s a coincidence or not, it remains to be seen.

Tammy left a message earlier saying that Bill’s responding well to his treatment so far.

I finished my library book two days ago. It was a good horror story.

Later...

I’ve done a lot so far with my remixing the edit tapes. I took my old tape recorder that allows me to fast forward/rewind with the play button down and I typed the edits on 3 different tapes. I did this cuz I had some of the same edits on a couple of tapes. It was really wild and cool to see my edits printed out so nicely. In fact, when I’m done remixing all of them, I may print them all out. It’ll be so cool to have every single edit printed out.

Also, when I was screening through tapes and I came upon some edits I thought I may have already typed up that were already on another tape, I could use the search thing on the computer. You type in the sentence or a few words of it and it’ll find it for you by highlighting it.

After I get done remixing and cutting down all my edits cuz they’re too long, I should have about 3 or 4 90-min. tapes. I no longer wish to use other people’s tapes. I’ll also have two sets of backups. I put a copy (10 tapes) in the living room table’s drawer and the other one (6 tapes) will stay with all my other tapes. I’ve already cut two tapes and I have 5 more to cut, but it doesn’t take as long as I thought it’d all take to do. Not that it really mattered anyway.

Later I’ll write in all my file names, excluding journals and drawings. I sure do have a lot of them at this time. Lots of them are stuff I’ve typed up for Tom, too. I have a few hundred files in my directory.

I put the glow-in-the-dark stickers I got from my TV dinner inside the front cover of this book. They don’t stick very well, though, so who knows how long they’ll last?

Andy left me a message the other day and told me to listen to his second message. It was from Donna. She’s also from Springfield, and Fran had her grandmother’s number which he’d constantly call while she was visiting there a couple of summers ago. Well, he’s been calling there again and Andy wanted my advice on the situation. All I could say was for her to either change her number or just hang up on him. He’s bound to try calling here and there, just as he’ll probably try here again someday. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s trying to look up and call all those with my maiden name in the Springfield area, but I don’t give a shit if he does.

I sure do have a lot of files on the computer. About a few hundred. There are lots of files I’ve typed up for Tom, too. I learned how to change the name of a file.

Now for what we got when we went out shopping today. Well, our tax return check came today for $330, so we decided to pick up a few things we wanted and needed. This is my first tax return since ‘86 and it was neat to see that it was sent from San Francisco, rather than from Boston.

Tom got one of those contour pillows, designed to support your neck and most importantly decrease snoring.

He looked around in computer stores, but couldn’t find anything too interesting or affordable.

He wants to get this thing that’s kind of like a chest tripod where you can rest and support a camcorder on your chest while filming. It’d be easier to carry it around too, around his neck, rather than to carry it even though it’s not too big.

We’re also gonna look for a new car windshield shade sometime, as well as more binders and computer paper that’s more stylish.

I didn’t find any word search puzzle books today, but I sure found where to get figurines. A store called Michael’s has lots of really nice ones. While I was there, though, I got some more silk flowers.

At the Old America art store, I got my second dog mug, an Irish Setter.

We went to a bookstore that we’d never been in before and they had a pretty decent journal selection. I got two of them and now I have a total of 91.

We went to a buffet for lunch and to Walmart where we got several things. An awesome fluorescent light for by the computer that doesn’t give off heat. The light is so much more natural too, and this bulb will last for years. We’re going to replace all our lights with bulbs like that.

I got two new pairs of French-cut silk-like panties. One’s purple and the other’s maroon. I ditched two more pairs that didn’t fit or that were old and worn out. I got a package of suede barrettes in different colors like blue, black, white, yellow, red, purple, pink, and sea green. I got 3 new headbands. I had plastic ones, but they could dig into me and get uncomfortable so I got cloth-covered ones in black, white, and purple. I got red nail polish, and lastly, two new 500-piece puzzles. They’re quite cute too. They’re teddy bears. One’s with two teddy bears at a picnic with bowls of strawberries. The other has lace and flowers surrounding them. Later I’ll write an idea I had for the puzzles as well as for flower arranging.

So much for Tom not snoring with this new pillow. I can hear him now.

Friday, March 17, 1995

 

Yesterday Tom showed me how to index disks in numerical order on the computer. It was really easy and I did 207 of them. About 20 of them crashed and I had to reset the computer cuz they were old, low-density disks.

Last night Andy and I went to the mountain for an hour and a half. On our way back we stopped at a drive-through and he treated me to an order of fries.

I brought him his taxes which Tom did yesterday. He asked what he should do for Tom. I know he can’t really afford to give him $20 as he suggested to him over the phone, so I suggested a thank you card. He can write some of our famous wacky lines, too. He also told me he has some friends who would really love the edits, so I gave him 10 tapes of one of the sets of backups. We played a few last night in his car. He says he’s gonna go through all of them just in case there’s anything he doesn’t want anyone else to hear.

As of yesterday, he’s been here for 4 years. I’m next on June 9th with my third anniversary.

All’s fine with Tom and me. There are only two things I wish Tom would improve on. I wish he wouldn’t be such a procrastinator. I wish he’d follow through with the projects he gets started on. Yesterday he said he was gonna strip the two chairs outside. He began one of them, but I know he’s gonna take forever to do them.

I also wish he’d pick up after himself a little more. One thing’s for sure and that is that I’m not straightening up the back room anymore, cuz he just turns right around and trashes it.

Later...

I talked with Tom who kindly straightened up the papers on the desk we both use.

Apparently, he flew out of here in a hurry cuz AMEX was jerking him around as far as his check goes. They were supposed to direct deposit it. Instead, they sent it to the Crystal Creek Apts.

Yesterday I got another library book that should be similar to the one I just finished.

We screwed around earlier. With no KY jelly, he was able to get in there quickly and easily with no pain or discomfort felt by me. I sure have “come” a long way. It felt like he was close to cumming. That’s what he said, but he always says that.

He seems to want a kid more and more, and more than once he said, “You’ll be pregnant soon.” I still have to see this to believe it, but right now my feeling is that if he doesn’t cum within a month after the surgery or so, then he definitely never will. What will I think then if that is the case? That he really wasn’t serious about a kid or he’s got a problem he just won’t own up to. I know how sensitive he can be at times.

Next door, amazingly, has been quieter. See? I knew there was no excuse for the way they could get at times and that those kids were controllable.

I made Tom a macramé bracelet in blue and white. I’m making some for me, using a few different color combinations. I have a double-stranded one. One side has black, maroon, purple, pink and white. The other has yellow, orange, red, green and blue.

I’m typing up 68 now and that’ll be done either tonight or tomorrow. Chow for now.

Sunday, March 19, 1995

 

Today I slept from around 10 AM - 4 PM. Tomorrow’s my noon pre-op appointment. I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna have the strength to get there, but Tom confidently said there’d be no problem. He’s always right, thank God.

I finished one of the teddy bear puzzles yesterday. Then, I flipped it over, put duct tape on the back of it, and hung it on the wall. I want to do the same thing with the other teddy bear one which I’m halfway through with but don’t know how I’m gonna flip this one as easily cuz the pieces aren’t quite as tight.

Monday, March 20, 1995

 

Well, it’s the eve of my surgery. I’m gonna be rather brief cuz I want to do some editing since I can’t for a while.

I slept from 7 AM - 11 AM and was very, very tired when Tom got me up. After my noon appointment with Dr. Nielsen, I came home and went right back to bed and slept from 2 PM - 6 PM. The appointment took forever cuz I was exhausted. If I had been awake, it would’ve gone real quick. The anesthesiologist called tonight wanting general information. It’s a male this time. This time around I was told that I can drink liquids after midnight, but I can’t eat.

Well, there’s more I could write about, but I think I’ll save it for later or after the surgery.

Tuesday, March 21, 1995

 

Back again after doing some editing.

I ate for the last time at 11:45. I did the dishes, polished my disgusting-looking nails, and made up a bag with extra clothes in case of an emergency.

Got a letter from Bob today. Nothing’s new with him.

Guess who else is having surgery today? Andy. Yup, he’s having a root canal done. At least I think that’s what it is. Anyway, he won’t be put out; just given Novocain like I was when I had my wisdom teeth pulled. He’s having all 4 of his wisdom teeth pulled.

Later...

I just got off the phone with Andy who’s quite nervous about his appointment tomorrow. We laughed about all kinds of things which helped to keep our minds off our surgery for a while. He called Karson, who only knows me as Mystery. She and Andy have never met in person, but Andy sure was right about one thing. This 22-year-old naïve girl is one fucked up puppy. She’s a total combination of Fran, Nervous, and Ellie. I read bits and pieces of an old journal and she totally believed everything I said. You can be so abusive to her and call her every name in the book. When I said she had a warrant out for her arrest she completely believed it and even called the police dept. to ask.

The 3 of us definitely have to talk more and I’m gonna record it. She’s great editing material. Andy says she’s home and up all the time and with her around, he never feels the need or urge to make prank calls.

Did I mention the letter I got two days ago from Larry? It shocked the shit out of me. I certainly never expected it. They just got a new computer, so that’s why. He said it’s because he hates writing. It was done on one piece of paper with an advertisement on it for Alpo cat food. He used 4 or 5 different fonts which we also have. He put in a funny joke which reminds me - sometime I’ll have to write down all the jokes I know. It’d be nice to have them all grouped together. He also wrote how when he was at Tammy’s he went to the bathroom, made coffee, and jogged around the block and she was still talking!

Ha, ha, get it?

So, I wrote back that I called her, put the phone down, gave Tom a long kiss, went for a swim, out cruising with Andy, came back and she was still talking! Tom thought it was pretty funny.

Alex must’ve broken up with Chrissy cuz I haven’t gotten any email from him lately.

Gotta go pee, then when I return I’ll mention a new type of journal I may get soon.

Later...

Oh, fuck! I’m really pissed cuz I am soooo damn hungry. I’ll just have to drink a real lot soon and hope that’ll help.

I did do some editing as I was gonna say earlier before Andy called, but I’d like to save the rest for when I’m once again hearing out of two ears.

When I was last out buying journals, I saw some that were about double the size of this one. I’ve seen them several times. Well, it may look funny on my shelves with all the others, but I’d like to get one. Its cover may be just like one of my marble covers, but oh well if it’s like one I already have cuz these sizes aren’t as common as this book I’m writing in. It’ll take quite a while to go through, but I want it for the sake of something different.

I have no regrets about recopying and ditching those 4 small ones I once had, though. Those go way too fast and are a real bitch to write in.

I hear Tom snoring a lot less, so I hope his new contour pillow really does help him.

Later...

Yay!!! It’s over!!! Boy, was this operation a piece of cake compared to the last one. I mean, the difference between this operation and the last one is the difference between night and day. The only thing that was a bitch was the waiting time. They drew blood there, cuz I didn’t have it drawn before. Waking up was easier than I thought it’d be, just as Tom said.

I do have bandages all over my head as I had in Boston, but the good news is that they don’t go under my neck. That was incredibly itchy. He had to do that, though, since there’s no frame to tape bandages to.

I can only imagine how hideous it must look, but I needed that frame taken out. Thank God it’s gone!

Tom got prescription painkillers and can you believe I haven’t had to take even one of them?! My ear and skin graft on my arm are virtually painless. It’s nice to be able to move my jaw to talk and eat since he didn’t have to take any muscle from it. Also, no strap so tight it feels like my skull’s gonna burst.

Before surgery, I told Dr. Nielsen to send my frame to Boston. He said, “Oh, I’d like to do that and tell them to bury it in their graveyard.”

I never saw Dr. Joganic.

Tom called Mom, Dad, and Tammy.

I’ve got more to say, but I’ll be writing on and off as things come to me.

Wednesday, March 22, 1995

 

Tom bought me 3 of my favorite pens today in black, blue and red, so I thought I’d start off with the black one.

As I said before, God doesn’t have great timing with everyone’s life events, otherwise teenagers wouldn’t get pregnant, but he sure does with me. My period held off till last night.

They weighed me as 102 in the hospital, but I’m sure I’m now 98-100. The first time I was operated on last December, I weighed 104.

I still haven’t had to take a pain pill. I’ve been up and about as usual. The only thing I can’t do is wear my headphones, so I just sit by the boom box as the last time.

Again it scares me and pisses me off to think - what if I never met Tom? Would Medicaid or Medicare have done a damn thing about my needing to take care of this?

No.

Mom and Dad called about an hour ago. Dad started off really loud saying, “Jodi Lin! Can you hear me?”

I told him how easy this one went and they thanked Tom for calling them yesterday at the hospital. He called Tammy, too. I tried to call her but got no answer. Things aren’t going well with Bill, Tammy told Tom.

Later...

Andy and I left messages for each other yesterday. He’s doing fine.

Tom also got me a couple of word find magazines and soon I’ll be getting them by mail. Every 3 weeks, 17 a year for $16.25.

I finally have all the journals that I’ve typed up on the computer on the main hard drive (C drive).

Thursday, March 23, 1995

 

I said to Tom that I thought this would be the last story I write. He disagreed, so we’ll see. He’s almost always right.

As far as him being right about my being pregnant soon? I just can’t see it. He still insists he’s not holding back, as far as his not cumming. Whether he really is or not, I just can’t see him magically cumming one day soon or ever, after not doing so with me for so long.

I’ve heard different stories as far as the odds of conceiving without the guy cumming. Some say it’s one in millions. Others say one’s bound to make it up there eventually, but will just take longer.

Since I’ve known Tom he’s been 100% honest with me except for two things as far as I’m concerned. About Kim, Phil, Alex and I waking him up, and also when he says he isn’t holding back. I once made the comment to him that he could cum whenever he wanted to. He said he agreed. There have also been other statements made that tells me he’s holding back, too. I really do believe his desire to have a kid, though, so my first guess is that he was holding out till now till about June.

The second theory is that deep down he really doesn’t want one and is just a damn good actor. A better actor than I could ever have imagined. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens by the end of June. If I’m not pregnant by July or so, then I’m really gonna put some very serious thought into a hysterectomy. Cuz at that point whether I wanted a kid or not, was sterile or not, what will be the point of dealing with periods till I’m in my 50s?

He’s been acting like things will change, saying all we want is right there ready to be taken and had, but we’ll see. He’s been saying he was gonna cum every month since we began having sex. The bottom line is that we’ll still love each other just as much with no kid. Probably more so, cuz we won’t have it to take our time away from each other and fight over it.

The only thing I’d be disappointed about is if he never admitted he was holding back or did have something wrong with him should many more months go by before I got pregnant or if I never did. More so if he blamed me for it after he says it’s not my fault. Believe me, I haven’t blamed myself in a very long time, cuz I know he can cum by me as easily as I can by him. I also think he may enjoy the feeling of a hard-on more so than of an orgasm. This is weird and would drive me crazy with the frustration of needing to be relieved but to each their own.

Friday, March 24, 1995

 

Damn, I haven’t done a #2 since the day before the surgery. Is it gonna be like the last time? I hope to hell I’m not constipated for a week like before, then have the runs and massive stomach pains.

I made another bracelet out of macramé. I’m starving and am now making a TV dinner.

I’m surprised Andy hasn’t called yet. Bob really gets on my nerves here and there, but I’ll discuss it after I eat.

Later...

I told Bob not to write little messages or poems on his envelopes. They’re really quite embarrassing and it’s no one else’s business what he’s got to tell me. He said he wouldn’t, but the stupid ass goes and does it twice. He just doesn’t get it and he’s just getting to be more and more boring, corny, with the same old shit to say. I’m thinking of dumping him more and more these days.

I’ve sent him a few word-find puzzles I don’t really like and he likes them a lot. In a manila envelope, I’m gonna send a few I keep with a certain type of print I don’t really care for, and a letter giving him a piece of my mind for the last time.

It’s hard to keep my mouth shut about my desires and fears of having a child. At the same time, though, I don’t want Tom to feel pressured. Why do I still want something I probably can’t have? Especially something that could very well kill me and our marriage. Something I couldn’t handle physically and mentally. Me and others thought I could never handle a relationship, but what if Tammy’s right and my worst fears of having a kid do come true? It seems like it should be much easier for me to never have a child and I’m sure that’s true, but it sure doesn’t always feel easier. I really hope that if I am sterile and if Tom never cums that the definite and potential negatives to having a kid will be enough to drive that desire away.

For about the 8th time I prayed to God to allow me to become pregnant as soon as can be and let us be the best parents we can possibly be and still have a wonderful marriage. If it’s not in my cards, please allow me to deal with and accept it better and help me through that.

I told Tom yesterday that my feeling of conceiving in April was fading, but June was a little stronger as far as a feeling about that. His reaction didn’t surprise me due to comments he’s made in the past. He said June was a good month to get pregnant cuz it’s cooler by the time you’re big. And something about being married at least a year before getting pregnant and it being born in 1996.

Anyway, there are 3 things I have a hard time believing him about. In all other areas, he’s always been 100% honest as far as I’m concerned and could always see and sense. Again those 3 things are:

How he claims Kim and all of us woke him up.

 

He’s always gonna be cumming “real soon” or “any time now” (I believe him when he says he always gets close by how hard he gets). Then he slows down and pulls himself out as if to keep from cumming. I’m not a guy, but I don’t know for sure, as weird as this sounds. He says he cums by going really slow so he can feel every movement thoroughly and really take in the feeling.

 

He says I’ll be pregnant soon and soon in his book he says means anywhere from now to 6 months with 2 or 3 being more likely. I don’t know about this cuz first he said I’d probably have one in November, then that became December.

 

After a cigarette, I’ll discuss my two worst fears, although they are thankfully doubtful.

Later...

I’ve finally been blessed with being able to take a normal shit. A small one, though, so I know I need to catch up.

Anyway, about these fears that are doubtful. I mentioned before my fear of Tom not really wanting a kid, but just saying he does to make me happy. When we first met he did say he could live with or without a kid and would agree to have one if his wife (not knowing I’d be his wife at the time) wanted one.

He’s expressed more of a desire to as time’s gone on, but from oh, say, when we met till up to 4-5 months ago, he’s said comments suggesting it’s not what he wants. Comments like: Jodi, you’re not going to have a child. I like things the way they are. I don’t know if it’s what I want. I’m so busy, I don’t know if I want the responsibility. I never sensed you’d have kids. I don’t think it’s what you really want. Not everyone in the world can have kids, etc.

I believe he’s trying to get me to be more patient by putting off stuff, even though I tell him I consider it eager, ambitious and motivated, but how do I know for sure that some other woman or person didn’t really hurt him in ways he’s never said? Like promised him something they never gave him and he wants to “even the score?” I highly doubt this, but that’d be nearly as bad as being sterile for sure or him never cumming if he’s planning on always and knowingly doing all he can do to keep me from getting pregnant. I would be very resentful if I ever found out for sure or got highly suspicious of him trying to keep us forever childless. It’d be bad and unfortunate if he said he didn’t want one or if I am sterile, but that’s very different than having someone knowingly and intentionally playing around with a serious issue with you and your head. Well, I’m still 99.9% sure he’s not a Scott M so that’s good.

Can’t wait till I get these bandages removed on April 4th. They’re not nearly as uncomfortable as the ones in Boston, but it’s not heaven, either. I do have some itches here and there.

I took the small wimpy headphones that go to the Walkman to use in my box. With these, I can adjust it so the left side is in the back of my head away from that ear while the good side is right on my ear. I can’t do that with my big kick-ass ones. They sound lousy, but it’ll do for now. Tom doesn’t mind if I play the box while he sleeps cuz he is a heavy sleeper, but occasionally I do like headphones anyway. I only like to blast it in the daytime. You see, I couldn’t give a shit or care less if I woke them up next door at 3 AM. I just don’t want to disturb any other people around here that never have been rude and disrespectful to my peace and quiet. I suppose, though, I should forget about others and just live my own life as everyone else does. People go about their business, doing whatever it is they do at all hours of the morning, afternoon, evening, and very late at night.

I sure wrote way more than I expected to tonight, but I really enjoyed it. It’s great to write out new things as well as stuff I’ve mentioned a million times over and get it all out. Tom has never ever discouraged me from talking to him. It’s just that I don’t want him to feel pressured or burdened and he isn’t here and awake 24 hours a day.

Sunday, March 26, 1995

 

I’m in quite a good mood today. The only negative things I’m feeling are my ear and arm itching. Also, I have to take Ibuprofen every day till I get these bandages off and can let my hair down. With the weight of my hair having to be up all the time, that does cause headaches. It’s not that long anymore; it’s cuz of its thickness. Having these bandages on for two weeks may make it grow a bit faster.

Tom helped me (cuz I’m such a lousy counter) to mark the week before my period so I remember to take water pills before it’s too late and I get so uncomfortable. I did April and May and when I began to do June he was like, oh, no, no, don’t jump ahead. Another hint about his liking the idea of me getting pregnant in June. Whatever month, I’ll still have to see it to believe it, cuz that’s just how I am over some things.

We screwed earlier which was fun. I came, but not surprisingly, he didn’t.

I did some housecleaning today. I dusted and vacuumed. Tom got this really good and powerful all-purpose cleaner. I cleaned the grease stains off the kitchen walls. Tomorrow I’ll do the bathroom and kitchen cabinets. Also, the laundry.

I finished typing 69 and currently only have 5 more regular journals to type up. However, I’m gonna take a break from typing journals to type up my story.

Sadly, the fluorescent bulb we got to use in the back room by the computer is defective. We tossed out its receipt and warranty, so we’ll have to get another one. They’re about 15 bucks, but they last for 6-7 years or so.

Monday, March 27, 1995

 

I’m going to be hibernating in my bedroom for a few more hours. This is because we’ve had a cool spell the last 3 days and we’ve already killed the pilots on the wall heaters. I now have the portable one on now in the bedroom. The good news, though, is that it’s supposed to hit 80º today and I don’t think it’ll get this cool again until next winter. The days have been fairly warm. Between 80º - 90º. It’s just that the last few days were only 70º - 75º and it got chilly at night. With Arizona being so dry, the 50s here feel much cooler than the 50s in MA.

Goldie called yesterday. I spoke to both her and Al and Tom talked to Goldie. They’re doing fine and are very happy about my surgery going a hell of a lot better than last time and that it’s pretty much over. All I have to deal with now are a few follow-ups and I can’t fucking wait to get this bandage off. It’s not that it’s painful or even that uncomfortable, it’s just itchy here and there. My arm’s itchy, too. If my scalp itches, I can’t scratch it for the most part as 80% of my scalp is covered.

Did I yet mention that Tom got his hair cut about a week ago? Although I like his hair longer better, it really doesn’t look bad at all. I was thinking he may end up looking rather geeky.

He tried to “shock” his system the other day. I had told him how I was almost starving myself for 3 days or so back in Sept. of ‘85 to lose weight. I told him how after trying so many hopeless and useless things, I had discovered the key to weight loss was in your metabolism. I stopped counting calories and believing it was what I ate as well as how much. I told him it takes several tries. I sure as hell had to try a million times before I could muster up enough will to eat only a few bites, drink liquids, and take vitamins. Especially when I did this at the time I was working at the Harley Hotel in Enfield, CT with all that free delicious food for lunch.

Anyway, I’m bigger than I have been in a while and am sick of the bulk of my favorite clothes being too tight, so I’m gonna “shock” my system for a couple of days or so. The thing of it is, though, believe it or not, it’s sometimes easier to lose and keep off a lot of weight than it is to do so with 5-10 pounds. What the scale says, though, is irrelevant; it’s what the measurements say. Mine could afford to drop 2-3 inches. Tom, who tells me I look fine, says I’m already too light to lose more weight. I can only tone and try to change my shape and the answer to that is exercise. Perhaps he’s right. However, we can’t change our shapes. We can only control it and alter it a bit, but I cannot exercise now anyway. My upper body is still firm, but my lower could definitely use some tightening up.

I suppose most people would tell themselves not to bother if they’re gonna try getting pregnant in the next few months, but you know I can’t believe, think, or live that way. I work with and make do with what’s happening today and I don’t count on nothing. Especially something as incredible as my getting pregnant. Incredible seeming, that is.

I was going to try to coax back my sixth sense, but it just has never been the same since being out here. Who knows if it’ll ever be like it used to be in the future? Especially when I never asked for it in the first place. Perhaps I’ll always have a little more of it than the average person, though. In my opinion, it was my compensation for getting here and getting what I’ve gotten here. If I’m right, then that’s a fine trade-off as far as I’m concerned. Something far more important could’ve been taken away from me instead. The sense of me getting pregnant in April and in the next journal is dwindling. It’s slowly fading, but June is, well, I’m not so sure yet. Regardless of whether or not I’m sterile, I still say that if Tom doesn’t cum by mid-late June or so, he never will. He still continues to talk more sure of and positive about a baby and has always, and still is dropping hints about getting pregnant in June. Well, since I’ve known him he’s been 98% right about lots of things, so we’ll have to wait and see.

There’s still a small part of me that cringes with fear and doubt over the thought of a kid. I wish I could know for sure just how it’d be for both of us. Well, I do believe strongly enough that whatever’s up there has no plans for me to die in the next 10-15 years, so if it truly is a death sentence for me, then it will make sure I’m sterile or that he never ever cums. If I have one and it kills me, then so much for that 10-15 year feeling of life. If I still have one and am miserable or it ruins our marriage, then maybe it wants me cursed and miserable again. I’ll have no idea until and if anything happens. At least all-out suffering and misery are what I feel is the least likely. Otherwise, I’d never have gotten to Arizona. Or if I did, my life here would’ve been made as shitty as in S. Deerfield or even Norwich.

Wednesday, March 29, 1995

 

Been busy with typing and stuff like that lately. I typed up 87 and I hope to get 88 done the day after tomorrow. Believe it or not, I’m gonna let Tom read what I’ve got typed up of my story so far. I’ve come quite a way since last April 13th when I began typing up all these journals.

Kim called earlier. Things are still great with this guy Doug who she’s been with for about a month now, I guess. He’s got our same sense of humor, naturally, otherwise she wouldn’t be with him.

He’s got a PO Box in CT where he’s from down in Vernon. He doesn’t know I live here, so as a joke I’m gonna mail him a wacky letter. Kim says she’ll certainly hear all about it.

Amazingly, Minnie’s been in touch with her. She’s thinking of taking her to see Bob, as they both want to. Especially Minnie who hasn’t seen him since he went into Walpole. That was before Concord and where he is now in Gardner.

We did some yard work around here today and we got the backyard looking a hell of a lot better.

I never paid attention before to notice, but Tom showed me that on the canister vacuum, you can also make it a blower if you move the hose to another hole. It’s not the most powerful thing, but it’s good enough. I blew off the cement around the pool as well as the patio.

A couple of nights ago at 9:30 ET, I called Larry. He was out, but Jenny answered. I spoke to her and Sandy. I let her know I was sending Larry something very wacky that wouldn’t make any sense. He’ll probably figure it out, though. I’m sending a tape of some edits. I’m sure he’ll be cracking up like crazy. He too has a weird sense of humor. Sandy will probably get a kick out of it, too. He should have it Friday. Also, Sandy told me Larry loves to get letters from me and that the last one was great. That’s cool to know.

What am I forgetting to mention now? I don’t know, but I’ll be back if I think of anything else.

Later...

I typed up Doug’s crazy letter for Kim which will go out tomorrow. He’ll probably get it Monday.

I forgot to mention that the kids next door have been a million times quieter. I am truly shocked. I just don’t believe it! I don’t know how long it’ll last, but it’s been great. I love it and I wish I sent that letter to them a long time ago. With them quieter, with not hearing their dog hardly ever, and with the music across the street long gone, it’s been wonderful. The most peaceful place I’ve ever lived. Also, this fan is a true gift from God that I could never and would never sleep without. Again it makes me wonder if I really want to fuck it all up with a baby. After it took so long to gain all this peace, little by little. Well, I still don’t think having a kid is in the cards with or without him cumming, so that’s the least of my worries.

Anyway, I believe I’ll go do some word puzzles for now. Did I mention that I sent Bob about 100 puzzles in a manila envelope? Yup, I did. He’ll be very pleased.

Wow, I just realized something. This journal should stretch to at least April 1st. That’ll make it the longest-running journal in quite a while. Lastly, I only have 2½ and a half more tapes to edit. That’s definitely it for now, but I’m sure that as soon as I put this book down, I’ll remember something else.

Later...

Yup, I did. It’s about Tammy. She told me something I wasn’t at all surprised to hear. Lisa and Jenny had made plans to get together, but Jenny’s been stalling, I guess. Tammy finally said that she told Lisa, “Hey, you called there twice. If they really want to, they’ll call you back.”

This is exactly what I thought would happen, though. Tammy says she hasn’t heard from Larry since he was there. I could see that he came here cuz he wanted to, but he went there only to make Mom and Dad happy. Especially dad. I really don’t think Tammy or Larry should even bother with one another, either over the phone or in person. It’s just not in Larry’s heart and Tammy only gets upset.

Anyway, I really wish to hell I could be there to see his reaction when he goes to play that edit tape. I wonder how much of it Sandy and the kids will hear? I can’t wait till we talk and to hear what he says about it. Also, about his trip to Tammy’s. I can just imagine what he’ll say about that, even though the only ones that I’ll tell are Tom and Andy.

Thursday, March 30, 1995

 

Boy, am I both shocked and proud of myself! Yesterday I slept longer than life itself. Over 12 hours when I usually sleep 6-9. I was afraid I’d fuck my schedule up as much as I’m dying to get these bandages off and I will one way or another. I fell asleep last night from 3 AM - 6 AM and have been up since. I do intend to easily conk out, though, within the next few hours.

Got a Bob letter today.

I may have forgotten to say that I mentioned to Kim about my not hearing from Alex. When they recently ran into each other she thought he might have said something about going away for a while. Out of state for some kind of soccer competition.

If I had a million bucks I could bet it on the fact that Jenny C will also be hearing those edits. She’ll certainly have mixed emotions about them. It’ll bring back unwanted memories of me harassing her with some of them. She’ll probably also find them funny.

Due to my being married now, there are an awful lot of people between his family and mine. In his family, they don’t give presents for birthdays, anniversaries and stuff like that. Only for Christmas and only the parents give their kids presents. Therefore, I asked Tammy if we could do only cards for each other’s birthdays and anniversaries, but send whatever for Chanukah. She said that’d be fine. I mentioned this to my parents and I’m sure there’ll be no problem.

Friday, March 31, 1995

 

I just tried to call Tammy but she’s still busy. I want to ask her what temperature and for how many minutes she recommends cooking two big potatoes. For all the shit Tom’s gone through today I want to make him a spaghetti dinner with baked potatoes. I told him I was afraid of this happening, but anyway, they’re fucking him around with his severance checks from AMEX. First, they “conveniently” lost it, then they have it waiting for him way the hell out by the Crystal Creek apartments and he’s gotta spend so much money on gas. I remember how I always had to go through the same old shit with food stamps, SS and SSI. Also, one person tells him one thing, while another person tells him something else. Is that familiar to me, or what? Well, I’m honestly glad that I’m not the breadwinner and driver of this household. Poor guy.

I got a really cool letter from Alex today. He’s now using AOL and says he bought his own computer. He says AOL has more deaf users. Tom suggested we try to get me in touch with deaf people that way. Anyway, where does Alex get the money to buy himself a computer?

The envelope and stationery he used were really cool. I’m gonna stick them both in my binder. The most impressive thing was the hands spelling out “Hi Jodi.” I want that and I must ask Tom where we can get the alphabet. I’m sure it can’t be that hard to find. If we’ve got smiley faces, Christmas stuff, and all kinds of other symbols like animals, flowers, etc., I’m sure we can find it. Maybe it’s something Alex can send just like we sent Tammy’s disks of games.

Later...

That was the best spaghetti I ever made! Yup, it definitely helps to get the water boiling first.

I called Tammy back, but she just got in and hasn’t seen the girls cuz she was with Bill.

She gave me a tip on making those baked potatoes. She said to not bother wrapping it in tin foil, but that it’d probably be an hour. She said to poke holes in them, rub oil on my hands, then on the potatoes.

Next time we talk, I’ll not only find out what’s up with Bill but also tell her about the fingerspelling on Alex’s letter.

Later...

Andy just called and I had to go take my second dump of the day.

Yesterday Tom finally got my door sanded. Not well enough, though, so he’ll have to do it some more. Most importantly, he put a vent in the lower part of the door for when the EC is on. This will make it so much more convenient. Now I don’t have to open that door.

Remember that old fashion, ugly New England-looking wall paneling that was in the kitchen? Well, this is what he’s been using to build the cigarette machine.

An idea came to mind for a magazine rack in the bathroom. Right now there’s a black satin bag nailed up that was a slip from an old “Stevie” dress Andy gave me. I asked him to cut me two pieces of wood that are 12 x 16 then a thicker piece that’s 2½ x 16, sand them smooth, and drill two holes up top of one of the 12 x 16 in the two top corners. Then I’ll nail it together and put contact paper on it.

Larry oughta get his edit tape today.

Later...

I sure got a lot done today! I surprised Tom with that magazine rack. However, this idiot forgot to put sides on it as well as to make the front lower so it’d be easier to put up. I tied yarn around it and made a tassel/bow in front. Instead of taping the yarn for extra security, I taped it with contact paper, rather than regular tape. That looks cool. Tom helped me get it up. It does look a lot nicer than that black bag I made.

I’m gonna try to get ahold of Larry on Sunday. That’ll give him the weekend to check out the edits.

Tom got me two new puzzle books today, as I’ll be done soon with the one I’ve got and still have to wait a month or so for the ones in the mail.

We also got soap refills of bubble gum and watermelon.

He picked out Dad’s birthday card which we’ll mail out tomorrow. I’ll be calling him on the 5th.

I finished typing 88, the second storybook. Tom has a total of 50 pages to read tomorrow.

Earlier we revised our list of stuff to do, make, and get.

Tom said he can find and download the sign fonts on AOL easily. He’ll also put Alex in my AOL “address book.”

[littlewalken]

feb 5

Going to the dentist today, it's not the routine cleaning that will bother me, beyond the usual sensory issues, it's that they better accept I'm not paying $$$$$ I don't have to get the root canals that aren't bothering me redone, the dark mark is quite possibly the piece of drill left in there, and because the roots are in my sinuses there's little reason to go thru all that mess when if the tooth(s) do go bad pulling them would solve everything and be covered leaving only the bone graft which is $$$.

And you know what, if the health system gets overhauled I might not even have to pay for a bone graft out of pocket or it'll be even less because it's ridiculous disabled people have to pay for non elective medical care when our government is funding shit it shouldn't be funding.

Not talking about things like the polygamous whooping crane husband because healthy wetlands help prevent floods. Not talking about early education or general/basic arts in school.

How we got orange president back is a lot like situations where the Golden Child fucks over the whole family. Telling someone no is good parenting, fuck your feelings, you're physically too fat to fit in my car.

I have to tote my goats back there. They are La Manacha, that's what's up with their ears.

Still writing this draft of the boy band story, I'm projecting that should take a better part of the month, like with the previous story this is a fleshing out of the notes and will still need to be expanded upon in the next draft which will be typed.

As old as my current tablet is I am holding off buying a new one, or at least as long as this one still works and gets updates. When it no longer does it becomes the bathroom tablet until the battery dies. On one hand I'd like an even bigger screen but on the other I also want more memory. So I'm going to wait at least until I find out if they're making a new updated one this year.

No birthday doll yet, except the surprise one I got for $1 inside a purple heart nail polish bottle. But really I don't need one.

I've got to get out the Obitsu 60, heat up his arm, and put the replacement shoulder joint in it so he can be together for five minutes before something else happens. I wish he would make up his mind if he wants a new body or not.

[jacks-tracks]

Puerto November 2024

Wait! What happened to the last 7 months!? Lots, but that is all carefully writtten as a draft on a piece of paper, which is hiding.

So,taking up from my happy return in April. home seemed very quiet. That,s what i forget about Lasqueti, it,s just the sound of nature, with the occasional vehicle clanking down the rotten road. Like mine!

Having spent a month banging pipes into the rotten frame of the Willy truck(it was free!) , which ran last fall, I tried to start it this Spring, but the fuel pump had died. So i cut out the truck deck, only to discover that the pump had no power. Guided by my buddy Sam, testing proved that it was indeed non functional. Then sam revealed that the trucks brakes were bad and the clutch failing. 3 strikes/out! Now it,s a parts truck, and needed as the fuel injectors on the original Mazda were clogged. N,o amount of injector cleaner helped, but by acclerating wildly in 1st, i got the fourth cylinder to cu t in.

Hmmm, parts truck! I,d never seen a fuel injector, much less changed them, but with Sams patient help and by removing an exceptional number of bolts, the injectors were revealed. Cleaned with solvent, blown out with flaky turkey baster invention, reinstalled... no change. Was it the plugs? the wires? Me? Sam said ..lets transplant the Willy injectors into the reluctant mazda. More hidden bolts, another unsuccesful try and finally with the suspect injectors discarded, triumph! Still rough, surely no resale value, but it goes! And ran all summer. Mostly I rode my old motorcycle, saving on gas, which ran out on the island when the barge got diverted. I had squirreld a few cans away, so kept rolling.

After last years wireworm plague I moved my garden to Waynes field.Real dirt! 3 inch firepump watering, fast! 60 foot rows of potatoes, beets, carrots, beans, broccoli, squash and a selection of winter vegetables. Wish I could say it was great, but the coast had very mixed weather, alternating hot cold spells, drought and rain, and none of them in the correct order to encourage the growth. 100 buckets of seaweed for fertilizer and mulch. tilled with the dying Honda to remove weeds, and had a bumper crop of volunteer kale. I ate kale as a survival food back when I was broke, not so tasty now. Zuchini was slow, so you know its bad. Deer and sheep pushed the fish net fences at home, sucking the leaves off the thornless blackberrys, and even weaseled under a corner to top the kale, twice! I did a lot of fence fixing! A BB pistol kept the deer moving( no harm , but it startles them!). What was very productive was apples. My 12 trees yielded 1000 pounds! Canned as sauce, dried , and juiced Got up to drinking a litre of fresh juice daily. I gave away 500 pounds and the sheep and deer shared the rest with me.

Old friends came to visit, Arn for Arts fest, Kevin Eleven for a birthday party, and the kids for the Firemans picnic.It,s fun having guests! I had a house guest for 5 weeks too.

My tenant in the old dome home had a baby with his bi polar wife. His friend sent her Mom from Singapore to help with the baby and housework. Gina, recently retired from a career as an accountant was living in their tiny home and all was well till the bi polar wife hit tilt and had a screaming meltdown Gina fled to my house where i welcomed her in to stay in my guest room. Must say I enjoyed the Chinese cooking, intelligent company, and explaining the island life with it,s attendant processes. Big jump from Singapore to the woods! Gina left to travel on but will return in April for another visit.

Having a boat shaped hole in my head, I bought a catalina 27 from my friend Rosalind, who bought it on impulse and realized it needed much work while she already had a 30 foot life boat restoration on the go. Together we fixed the essentials, like running motor, bilge pumps, etc. The season timed out before we even took a test sail so I paid for the boat and left it moored out on her shore line in long Bay No leaks, good spot, might be there in the Spring! I,ve missed sailing a lot, and the Lasqueti ferry was over crowded all summer, so having transport and a freight boat (Gas ,food, people) will be great.

The rainy season came early, monsoon downpours, 3 inches in a day, 7 inches over a week, cold and soggy. I harvested my puny plants, transferred the overflowing catchment tanks to the uphill storage, and winterized the house Already the grey, short, cold days were affecting my mood. I hate winter on the coast, 7 months of blah! Burned a lot of firewood, which dries the house, makes hot water, and also dries apples and laundry. LED lights are easy on electricity, so my old second hand batteries, managed. New ones in the spring along with more panels and a freezer at home. As inflation eats away the buying power of my savings, I,m putting the capital into hard goods, like batterys, sailboats and maybe a newer truck.

Enough off the cuff blab... More from Puerto soon...