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bbydoll18xx · 5 months ago

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She’s Such a Good Girl (Part 2)

Paige continues her assault on your innocence, leading you to spiral.

Paige Bueckers x reader

Word Count: 2.7k

Themes: angst in the beginning, Paige being hot and flirty the rest of it woohoo, mentions of being horny oops

Part 1 - You move in across the hall from Paige Bueckers. It doesn’t take long before she tries to shatter your innocent persona. And you just let her.

Masterlist

A/N: I’m so, so grateful for all the love on the first part of this little mini series. Let me know if you are up for a third part:)) I have soo many ideas it's ridiculous

You wake up feeling anything but well rested. Your sleep was muddled with dreams of Paige, her smile infiltrating your unconsciousness until you woke up with an uncomfortable stickiness in between your thighs. You groan into your pillow, the general overwhelmingness of last night draining you even more.

Grabbing your phone from your bedside table, you see a text from Paige, and the butterflies erupt inside of you once more.

‘We’re all planning on going out tonight. You’re coming with us.’

Her bluntness momentarily stuns you, but you were grateful to be included. It seemed she was hell bent on getting you out of your shell, for whatever reason, and you were simply just going to concede. You needed this.

You respond, your heart beating out of your chest, and the anxiety begins to set in.

It was getting harder and harder to deny the gay feelings you had. And although it had been years since your “oh shit, I’m gay,” moment had dawned on you, this was reaching new heights of awareness. But you had refused to truly accept it thus far.

You had a complicated relationship with your sexuality. Most of the time you had shied away from even acknowledging it; it was too painful. In high school, you were surrounded by other gay people, and it felt like you almost belonged, slowly coming to terms with your sapphism. But as you moved away to college, you were the only one in your friend group who was even a little remotely queer, and you felt isolated by your glaring differences.

Your religious upbringing did not help the situation either. You quickly learned how to hide your emotions. Slurs were regularly thrown around the dinner table, the nasty words cutting into your being, and your fists would be tightening in your lap, fighting to keep a neutral expression on your face.

You could not give yourself away.

As soon as you could, you’d seek solace in your room, hot, shameful tears sliding down your cheeks, forcing yourself to quiet the sobs erupting through your chest. The words of contempt echoed through your mind, until eventually you had nearly come to believe them yourself.

Each evening you clasped your hands together desperately in prayer, vehemently struggling with everything you had been raised to know and everything you wanted and needed to feel. It was an eternal battle that raged on inside, slowly withering you into a ghost, haunted by the darkness that had flourished in the absence of support and acceptance.

You wondered what the people who had claimed to love and know you the most, would do if they found out about your dirty, little secret. The anxieties about being outed manifested in cruel dreams, awakening you suddenly, a thin layer of sweat glistening on your body as your chest rose and fell in quick staccato breaths.

That was something you still wondered today. And you would certainly wonder for the rest of your life. You had vowed that you would never come out to your family unless you truly fell in love with a girl. So you had kept everyone at arm's length to protect yourself. But Paige Bueckers was slowly breaking your walls down, brick by brick.

A wave of nausea washes over you as you realize that getting closer to Paige meant toying the line of the false heteronormative persona you’ve been carefully crafting since you were a young teenager. The temptation of feeling normal in a group of girls quickly shuts down any immediate worries. That was a problem for another time.

You hear your roommates in the living room, bustling around without having any idea of your internal battle. With a sigh, you drag yourself out of bed to go out to meet them, already preparing for the deafening noises that would inevitably come with telling them of last night's events.

You open your door, nearly shuffling your feet against the carpet as you walk out to greet Taylor and Sarah. Their heads turn from the focus on the television, faces set in smiles as they see you emerge from your room.

“Guess what I did last night?” You prompt them, and their faces morph into ones of natural curiosity.

“Did you read your class syllabuses to get a head start?” Sarah asks sarcastically, and you stick your tongue out at her in false derision.

“No,” you scoff, although her guess was not completely off base. “I went over and hung out with Paige and the rest of the team.”

Taylor and Sarah were uncharacteristically quiet for a moment. They glanced at each other, momentarily stunned before erupting in hollers, jumping to their feet in excitement.

“How the fuck did that happen?” Taylor all but yells, still jumping up and down. It was a good thing you did not have downstairs neighbors.

“Well they were being so loud, and I wanted to go to bed, so I knocked on the door to politely ask them to shut up,” you explain, trying to hide the giddiness you felt as you recalled the events of last night.

“And Paige answered and invited me in. And now I’m going out with her and the team tonight,” you finish, carefully watching the reactions of your two best friends.

Their faces were morphed into ones of sheer delight and astonishment.

“My innocent, little angel is growing up,” Taylor exclaims, pretending to wipe a tear from her eye, and you swat at her, giggling at the sheer hilarity of the situation.

“What am I supposed to wear to a bar?” You ask, and the girls shriek in laughter, clapping their hands and promising to help you get dressed later.

You feel better about everything, the support from your roommates briefly quelling the fears and uncertainties that had plagued your mind for years. And your excitement was a testimony to the effect a certain blonde had on you.

“You’ve got great tits. Might as well show them off,” Sarah says exasperatedly, shoving one of her low cut tops at you.

Your face heats up, and you hold up the tiny tank top. “Don’t you think it’s a little, I don’t know, slutty?” Your voice trails to a whisper as you think about purposely showing off your body.

“That’s the point, girl! It’s finally your time to show everyone what you’re fucking made of. Go be a sexy, bad bitch!” Taylor urges, slapping you on the butt as she does.

You take a deep breath, nodding in agreement, finally pushing yourself further away from the perfect, good girl act that had been placed upon you since you were a child.

You don the skimpy black tank, admiring the way it shows off your slim waist, and you pair it with tight jeans that accentuate the curve of your ass perfectly. You fluff your hair and add a layer of lip gloss, before taking one last long glance in the mirror.

You could do this.

With a few encouraging words from your roommates and a few slaps to your ass, you nervously make your way across the hall to knock once more on Paige’s door. The door is thrown open, loud cheers erupting as you appear, and KK launches herself at you excitedly, throwing her arms around you and pulling you into her.

Giggling, you hug her back, your nerves melting away at her friendly disposition. She pulls away, eyeing you up and down with an approving nod. “Someone cooked here,” she smirks, and your face blooms an embarrassing shade of deep red.

“My roommates kind of helped me get dressed,” you admit, hands tugging down your impossibly small shirt.

“Girl, you look fineee,” she says, rubbing her hands together, causing several of the other girls to cackle at her not so subtle attempt to rizz you up.

“Who looks fine?” you hear a familiar voice, and your head whips in the direction of the question. You see Paige sauntering towards you, and your heart immediately begins to pound as your eyes rake over her tall figure.

Her hair was down in blonde waves, making you want to reach out and run your hand through the soft-looking locks. Her toned stomach was exposed from her crop top, her abs flashing in a way that had your stomach rolling with an unfamiliar feeling. You couldn’t necessarily put your finger on it, but it shot down in an intense display of unbridled want. And she had the smuggest look on her face, accentuating the plumpness of her bottom lip. Your tongue subconsciously darts out to lick a slow line against your own lip as you watch her approach you.

KK points at you, waggling her eyebrows. “The pretty princess over here.”

You blush again. Shit, you really had to get that under control.

Paige hums, looking you up and down once more. “She’s not wrong,” she mutters huskily in your ear as she pulls you in for a hug. Your knees weaken at her touch, and you aren't sure if you’d be able to survive the night. It had just begun, and she had you completely and irrevocably fucked.

30 minutes later, you, Paige, and the other members of UCONN’s women’s basketball team were shuffling into several ubers to head to a nearby bar. Unsure of which car to get into, you awkwardly stand off to the side, the anxiety pumping through your veins once more, but you soon feel a muscular arm wrap around your waist.

Looking up, you are met with Paige’s blue eyes and that smug smirk, and with a wink, she guides you to the nearest car, helping you into the backseat. As you sit, you adjust your top, overly aware of how much of your chest was actually out. Paige sits next to you, settling in with a low grunt, and she immediately places a hand on your thigh. Your eyes focus on the veins and the length of her fingers, and that feeling in your belly ignites again.

As you arrive at the bar, Paige helps you out of the car with a chivalrous hand. And it does not leave yours as you enter the doors. She laces her fingers through yours, and you don’t miss the way it feels so damn right. She guides you through the crowds of people, and your breath hitches, feeling slightly overwhelmed from the volume and the hoards of drunk people pushing into your frame.

Paige notices immediately, and she pulls you closer, tucking you into her side protectively. You preen at the attention, the feeling so foreign but addictive. You needed more, and the idea of it ripped away from you sent an unsettling spike of dread shooting through you maliciously.

Subtly, you shake your head in a futile attempt to clear the thoughts out of your head. Overthinking was sure to be your downfall. Nothing a little alcohol couldn’t fix, though.

Aside from the occasional glass of wine, you had never really drank. And you certainly had never done shots. But when Nika and Aubrey had thrusted a tray of them towards where you and Paige were sitting, you were quick to grab one, eager to dull the bitter voices in your head.

You bring it to your face, taking a hesitant sniff that causes your nose to wrinkle, eliciting a fond chuckle from the blonde. “Do I just sip it or…?” You trail off shyly, suddenly very aware of how ridiculous you sounded. What kind of college girl didn’t know how to take a shot?

Paige bites her lip. “Lemme help you, baby,” she mutters in your ear, and she takes the shot out of your hand. “Breathe all of the air out and then swallow it all at once before you take another breath, okay?”

You nod, letting the air leave your mouth, lips pouting. Without her gaze leaving your mouth, Paige holds up the shot glass, pouring the liquid down your throat in a swift motion.

You swallow quickly, feeling the burn slide down your throat and settle into a warm pool in your belly. You lick your lips, trying to catch a tiny drop that had slid past your mouth and trailed down your chin towards your neck.

Before you can chase the trickle, Paige leans in, swiping it with her thumb, placing it into her mouth and sucking, her cheeks hollowing in the process.

Your face morphs into a look of shock, and she gives you a shit-eating grin. The effect she had on you was something out of a book you spent many lonely nights immersing yourself in. And now that you were living in the crystal clear reality, you regretted not getting out of your shell a little sooner.

“Can I do another?” You ask, already looking at the tray where a few shots still remained.

Paige laughs. “Maybe wait a few, princess. The alcohol will kick in soon,” she promises. “You can share mine,” she gestures to her drink, and you don’t miss the way the pet name rolls off her tongue effortlessly.

Paige was not lying when she had told you that the effects would soon hit you. Before you could even start to feel uncomfortable, a delicious easiness fell over you, loosening you up in a way you had never experienced before. You reach for Paige’s straw once more, pretending that her mouth was not just on it, and you relish in the sweet liquid adding to your tipsiness.

Paige had stayed close all night, similarly to the night before, and you were grateful for her constant presence anchoring you. The other girls took turns dancing with you, showering you with compliments and making future plans. Even through the haze of the alcohol, your heart felt as if it could burst; they were all so nice, and for the first time in a long time, you felt like you actually belonged.

The night flies by, and as it does, you and Paige get more and more touchy. Her hands took turns between trailing down your back and resting heavily on your hips. She played with a lock of your hair, twisting it in her fingers as you swayed to the music, and she was constantly gazing at you through heavy lids, pupils blown from the darkness of the bar and pure want.

Emboldened by the drinks that had graced your lips, you don’t shy away, and before you know it, you’re leaning in closer, intoxicated by more than just the liquor. The bustling crowds and excessive noise surrounding you melts away as Paige grips your waist, pulling you closer into her.

Your heart pounds at her proximity. She reaches up, cradling your jaw and stroking the soft skin of your neck with her thumb. You wonder if she can feel the thumping of your carotid, but you’re too enthralled in her presence to even care. Her eyes flit between your own and your slightly parted lips. Everything felt so fucking delicate, as if one small move would break everything.

“Been thinkin’ about doin’ this all night,” she whispers, and pulls you into a kiss.

All the air is sucked out of you as her lips touch yours. And while you are momentarily stunned, it does not take long before yours are moving against her in a delicious exchange of passion. All worries of not being a good kisser leave your mind as Paige moans against your mouth, the sound shooting straight down your belly and to your pussy. Her tongue moves against you, and the feel of it does not help the slick now accumulating in your panties.

The kiss eventually ends, much to your displeasure, and as you pull away, a giggle erupts from your mouth at the insanity of it all.

You had just kissed Paige Bueckers.

“OOH, P is fucking whipped!” KK shouts over the music, enthusiastically high-fiving Ice and Nika.

Fuck, you were caught.

But little did KK know, is that you were pretty fucking whipped, too. With one smooth move, Paige had broken down all your walls, and you were surrounded by the bricks of your carefully crafted innocence shattered around you at your feet. And maybe you could blame it on the alcohol, but you were pretty sure that if Paige made you anything less of a good girl, you were certainly okay with that.

Part 3 - You get drunk off Paige, and confessions come out.

Part 4 - Paige makes you feel so good.

Part 5 - Paige shows you her strap.

Part 6 - Your newfound fascination with Paige's abs leads to some fun.

The beginning hits a little too close to home I’m so sorry I blacked out while writing it. It’s been almost 9 years since I realized I had feelings for girls, and I still struggle every day with accepting myself. To all the readers who are going through the same thing, I love you, and here’s to hoping things get better. If you ever want to reach out, my inbox is always open.

xoxo katy

#paige bueckers #paige bueckers x reader #paige x reader #paige bueckers x you #uconn women’s basketball #uconn wbb

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communistkenobi · 4 months ago

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While queer studies remains the most hospitable place to undertake transgender work, all too often queer remains a code word for “gay” or “lesbian,” and all too often transgender phenomena are misapprehended through a lens that privileges sexual orientation and sexual identity as the primary means of differing from heteronormativity.

Most disturbingly, “transgender” increasingly functions as the site in which to contain all gender trouble, thereby helping secure both homosexuality and heterosexuality as stable and normative categories of personhood. This has damaging, isolative political correlaries. It is the same developmental logic that transformed an antiassimilationist “queer” politics into a more palatable LGBT civil rights movement, with T reduced to merely another (easily detached) genre of sexual identity rather than perceived, like race or class, as something that cuts across existing sexualities, revealing in often unexpected ways the means through which all identities achieve their specificities.

The field of transgender studies has taken shape over the past decade in the shadow of queer theory. Sometimes it has claimed its place in the queer family and offered an in-house critique, and sometimes it has angrily spurned its lineage and set out to make a home of its own. Either way, transgender studies is following its own trajectory and has the potential to address emerging problems in the critical study of gender and sexuality, identity, embodiment, and desire in ways that gay, lesbian, and queer studies have not always successfully managed. This seems particularly true of the ways that transgender studies resonate with disability studies and intersex studies, two other critical enterprises that investigate atypical forms of embodiment and subjectivity that do not readily reduce to heteronormativity, yet that largely fall outside the analytic framework of sexual identity that so dominates queer theory.

— Transgender Studies: Queer Theory's Evil Twin by Susan Stryker (2004)

#book club #even old new york was once new amsterdam #this was published in 2004 and 20 years later nothing has changed lol #anyway shoutout stryker. one of the greatest

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lizbetlovesbyler · 1 month ago

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ex milkvan ride-or-die shipper and i am convinced the majority of modern day milkvan shippers are people who didn’t watch the show until it became super popular in 2022 when s4 was coming out.

like, there is a difference between binging all four seasons of a show and having years of wait between each one.

the time between each one gives you time to reflect on what you might see next season. as a milkvan truther after watching the first 2 seasons of the show in 2018, i was super excited for season 3 because we could see mike and eleven finally be together after their sweet reunion in the s2 finale.

and then…they literally break up in the first 2 episodes 😭

all my expectations flew straight out the window. i remember sitting there like “oh…wait what?” not necessarily disappointed (probably idk i was like 13) but super confused. even when they kissed at the end i hated it because it was just such an awkward kiss omdsssss😑

fast forward 3 years then i’m 16 and in a lesbian relationship and milkvan is just not hitting any spots. can’t remember what my expectations were for them, but i hated their reunion and didn’t have high hopes for them after that. (high hopes looked at the “i love you” scene, laughed, and left forever)

it was after vol2 was out and marinated when i started to see byler for what it was, because much like milkvan itself, each new season broke down all the expectations i had for them whilst byler only thrived.

binging all four seasons completely in one go strips this kind of trial and error experience away from you, you’re less likely to have grown accustomed to the writing and predict what will happen next time. (not suggesting bingers who joined in 2022 and post cant have picked up on byler too, it’s just a bit more difficult for the average person so pat yourself on the back if that’s your experience)

hence why i see so many new milkvans claim s5 is gonna be the season where they’re finally the power couple we thought they’d be back in 2018…and they weren’t.

“they’re gonna get married and 🤫 and have superpowered babies!”…what in the muthr fokc?

the only power they ever had was the power of heteronormativity

still love their pairing, but they’d be so much more powerful as friends like they were in the beginning

#mike wheeler #eleven hopper #will byers #byler #byler endgame #stranger things #stranger things 5 #milkvan is bones

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squiddy-god · 3 months ago

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I saw chainsaw man was in your fandom list so could I request Denji realizing he’s falling for a guy for the first time? He gives me chaotic bi guy vibes

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ◦ ♥︎ ◦ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Ok so as a chaotic bi guy myself i clocked denji day one- i also decided to do this as hcs because i have so many thoughts- its me, the bisexuality devil lmao

♥︎request are open ♥︎

Cw : slight suggestive bits (chainsaw man lvls),so canon typical levels of nsfw. STILL SFW NO SMUT IN THIS, BI DENJI SUPREMACY, bi panic and maybe a bit of heteronormativity, simping.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ◦ ♥︎ ◦ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Denji is the poster boy for chaotic bi panic

The thing that most people, especially in the series itself don't realize is that denjis goal isn't just to have sex and touch boobs, it to live a normal life because he has been so deprived of any basics and normality

But denji struggles in realizing that he's in love with a dude, a man, a guy, a homie.

It probably happens because you are genuinely nice to him- my boy has standards so low it trips the devils

At first he thinks your just his best bud, his greatest pal- it's totally normal that he thinks about you so much, that he really likes holding your hand, that he gets excited like a puppy when he knows hes going to see you again

It's perfectly normal how much time he spends in your apartment- like he basically lives there

Power is about to actually kill him if he mentions you one more time she's so sick of it

Never once does it ever cross his mind that he might be into guys too (boobs are boobs tbh)

He is over at your apartment so much that it isn't uncommon for him to just,,,let himself in (you said you don't mind

Denji is already kinda a mess, he's a nervous wreck when it comes to a lot of romance stuff (we love a boy failure) so he's already pretty chaotic even before he realizes that he's absolutely simping for you

But his crush is so obvious its hitting “if s/o was a girl id totally be into him, like smash- like my girlfriend” levels of denial

And he's not fooling anyone

He starts to slowly realize that having dreams about your best friend, and having to continuously correct the dreams so that one of you is the girl, isn't just being close friends

He really panics when he thinks he might be gay- he doesn't really know being bi is an option but is relieved to find that out lmao

He decides to make sure by looking at magazines featuring men, other media etc to make sure you aren't just some glitch- and nope hes bi

“Boobs are boobs” ahh reasoning- genuinely he is not picky lmao (chaos bi)

Despite this he still claims that you are just his best bud, his pal, chum, homie, compadre, friend, home slice etc.

Until the incident

And by that I mean he saw you practically naked- he had let himself into your apartment like normal, honestly he probably planned on casually coming out- not confessing! afterall you were just his friend (delusional)

But as he's sitting in your living room he here's the door open down the hall, when he speaks his head out he's frozen in place because daymn. There you are with wet hair and just a towel around your waist- and denji panics big time- when i say he literally flees your apartment i mean it.

And that was really what he needed, because this starts his downward spiral of realizing that he has indeed fallen for you and has massive crush on you

He realizes that this is honestly one of his first crushes in general because denji struggles with his emotions and figuring out the different types of affection, hell even the lines between romantic attraction and sexual attraction he really struggles

But he (and everyone else) is positive that this isn't just him realizing he is into guys, but that he genuinely wants to do all the normal couple stuff with you

Like yes denjis thoughts can be sexual but the biggest thing he struggles with is that he feels all warm and mushy at the thought of calling you his boyfriend and having a normal relationship.

Power is yalls #1 hater btw, not that she doesnt support you but it's that she is sick of denji just fumbling the bag

She gags whenever he mentions you lmao, watching denji fumble around his thoughts and feelings is painful because he is so awkward

I firmly believe in BI denji supremacy, he is such a bisexual disaster

#chainsaw man #chainsaw man x reader #csm denji #csm x reader #denji x reader #denji x you #csm denji x reader #chainsaw man x you #chainsaw man x y/n #chainsaw man denji #denji csm #x reader #bi denji #x male reader #x male y/n #csm x male reader #denji x male reader

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fadelbison · 4 months ago

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Branded Pairing Heteronormativity and the Subtle ways that First and Khaotung Spill Outside Those Outlines

Right off the bat I'm going to absolve myself of all culpability by saying that this is a solicited opinion so all anon hate can go to @kattyangel 🤣. The second thing is that this is an opinion that will talk about very nuanced subjective topics like heteronormative standards and conventional attractiveness in a country I'm not even from so go into it knowing that even subtle shifts in worldview can change the way we perceive these things. My only claim to fame here is that fan service is my hyperfixation and I have watched at least couples compilation videos of all GMM branded pairs but for the vast majority of them have watched shows/vlogs/interviews fairly extensively. So without any further ado let's get into what the connection is between First's height and his pairing's inability to perform heteronormativity well. A branded pair has two main ways of connecting to heteronormativity. One is via the individual's connection to their audience which at this point we know is majority female with some degree of romantic interest in men. Second, is via the dynamics of the couple itself.

For example, the ideal pairing is someone who's individual unit BOTH seem like they are interested in women but when put together can also believably fall into a 'top' and 'bottom' role. The categories of 'top' and 'bottom' here follow from the yaoi 'seme' and 'uke' narrative traditions but its less about who penetrates or is being penetrated and more along the lines of who's 'the wife and who's the husband' which is just a confusing mix of relative closeness to femininity, perceived dominance and certain physical features like height/resting bitch face and skin color.

The vast majority of branded pairs fall under this paradigm at GMM: GeminiFourth, TayNew, BrightWin, JoongDunk, PondPhuwin, ForceBook and the recently officially divorced Ohmnanon.

If the individuals have a strong connection to heteronormativity themselves, but fail to perform it with each other then they tend to fail like PerthChimon. So what happens when individuals within the unit aren't that straight to begin with? If at least one can perform traditional masculinity then they're in the clear! Famously, OffGun are husband and wife like no other and I hope they and Off's voodoo dolls of him and Gun prosper for the length of their lives. This format of pairings is not that common in GMM but litter the industry quite a bit, Zeenunew and MaxNat are pairings I'm quite familiar with that follow this.

What happens when both have low affinity towards traditional masculinity (especially in the way they interact with fans) or they're a little too queer in their dynamic for heteronormativity? Well that leaves you with *my* favorite pairings: EarthMix and FirstKhaotung But they're challenged in slightly different ways. EarthMix's primary dilemma comes from the fact that they're very likely actually dating and gay couples sometimes just won't have a heteronormative dynamic. Mix has always rebelled against being 'bottom' and he's usually the one refusing to play this game. Earth on the other hand just with his natural old man tendencies still fits into the top/husband role well while Mix can be pigeonholed into bratty wife/bottom when push comes to shove. But oh my poor sweet First, born with the personality of a man who's at least 5 inches shorter than him and obsessed with his idiot best friend who hated being the good little wife during his PoddKhao era so much that he really came into Firstkhao with his arms swinging like 'never again'. First and Khaotung have their personalities and aesthetics switched. Khaotung is both the more effeminate of the two and also the more dominant. If you've been following their dynamic since The Eclipse then you will know immediately what I'm talking about. So much of The Eclipse fan service felt like they were playing out top and bottom in reverse and then just remembering that First is indeed Too Tall for this to ever work lmao. I'm struggling to think of a single pair other than PerthSaint where the top was shorter let alone a full 4 inches. I mean fans nearly staged a coup at an event to have them renamed Khaofirst and I feel like they had come so close to convincing First too 😂 They've changed a lot now and Khaotung has cooled it, maybe to be more helpful to First but primarily because I think he's discovered that being the bottom in this dynamic comes with added benefits of being a sugar baby princess who gets waited on hand and foot. But First is also a sugar baby princess which is why he says things like 'I'm trying to be cool' or doing something macho and then immediately undercutting himself with a nervous little 'Was that cool?' or whining at fans to stop flirting with Khaotung instead of having a possessive lover dialogue like Phuwin's little 'you can flirt with him but he needs my permission to flirt with you'. First is performing machismo slightly worse than the 'bottom' of a different pair like what can I say askdjkfhdjh

Firstkhao are doing husband and wife well on stage nowadays but I think in less practiced formats they will revert to their original dynamic and First's 'top' persona breaks often. They hit a besotted wifeman equilibrium for First sometime during only friends and that kind of works for them both and I think they're trying to stay there for the most part. But that's what people who like First and Khaotung like. A vast majority of lesbians fall under the category of besotted wifeman so I mean it's really working out for me. It's just that sometimes it's a little painful seeing First try so hard to be more like Kant in RL and I'm just like babygirl please you're fine your friend over there looks like he likes getting fucked in the ass no matter what you do but alas 😔 Meanwhile every time Khaotung acts like a naive little helpless baby it feels like he's taken another step towards nirvana.

#first and khaotung look like they fight for bottoming rights every time they have sex #is the sentence I could have written out such that this post would have then been just one sentence #but somehow I think that would have been kind of controversial #how do I also say this is all fake #please don't get offended and pick a fight I am not that invested #firstkhao

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solarmorrigan · 2 months ago

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Romance, Commitment, and Cake

For the @steddie-spooktober day 15 prompt: Baking Rated: T | Words: 733 | CW: None | Tags: established relationship, modern AU, Steve Harrington can cook, or bake at least, Eddie Munson loves Steve Harrington, Steve Harrington loves Eddie Munson, fluff Divider credit: @steddiecameraroll-graphics

Eddie has always loved fall. He loves the way the world turns colors as the leaves begin to change, he loves how it gets cooler and he can wear his layers of jackets without feeling like he wants to die, he loves all the poetic themes of death and change, he loves Halloween. In more recent years, however, he’s learned to love fall because that’s when Steve starts baking like a man possessed, and doesn’t stop until the new year.

He doesn’t bother holding in the moan that wants to work its way out at the first bite of the pumpkin cheesecake Steve has presented him with. It’s perfect; creamy and light, the sweet and the spice blending and melting on his tongue. Eddie thinks he might actually need a moment alone with the cheesecake.

“Good?” Steve asks with a knowing little grin as he washes bowls in the sink.

“Marry me,” Eddie groans the moment he’s swallowed his mouthful.

Steve snorts out a little laugh. “We’re already married,” he reminds Eddie, holding up his sudsy left hand to show off the gold wedding band glinting there.

“This time it would be different,” Eddie says, taking a moment to get in another bite of cheesecake. “Last time I married you because you’re sweet, and you’re sharp, and you’re funny, and you’re beautiful, and because I love you. This time I’d be marrying you for your baking.”

“Man, don’t be shy, tell it to me like it is,” Steve says drily, but there’s a pleased, pink flush high on his cheeks.

“Just being honest with you, baby,” Eddie says with a grin before tucking back into his slice of cake.

“You know,” Steve says slowly, eyes trained on the dishes in the sink, “our anniversary is coming up. Five years.”

“Mhm?” Eddie hums around another mouthful.

“We can’t get married again, but we could… renew our vows, maybe.” There’s such a studied nonchalance to the suggestion that Eddie wonders if Steve hadn’t already been thinking about it.

And it’s a little funny that the idea of holding another ceremony, of putting on a suit and standing up and pouring his heart out in front of a group of people, of spending the day trading pleasantries and pretending to be at least halfway civil only produces happy little butterflies instead of the disdain it once would have.

Eddie had never gone in for romantic conformity, never thought marriage as a social convention was worth shit. He’d scorned the idea of perfect little white weddings, of the elitism and the privilege and the inherent heteronormativity. Marriage was a trumped-up gimmick made to sell needlessly expensive things to gullible couples with more money than sense.

And then he’d met Steve.

Steve, who had rocked the foundation of Eddie’s way of looking at the world; Steve, who Eddie loves more than anything; Steve, who loves romance, even if he won’t say as much out loud; Steve, who Eddie had proposed to, because he’d wanted to claim him and show him off to the world in as many ways as possible, wanted everyone to know that no matter which way they look at it that Steve is with him.

“It doesn’t have to be a big thing,” Steve says when Eddie’s been quiet a moment too long. “We could just have a small party; family and friends.” He gives Eddie a sidelong glance. “I could make a cake.”

“A cake, huh?” Eddie asks, biting down on a sly smile as he puts his empty plate down on the counter and sidles up to Steve at the sink. “What kind of cake?”

“Any kind of cake you want,” Steve says, looking back up at Eddie with eyes dancing with amusement. “You’re marrying me for my baking, after all. Only seems right you should choose.”

Eddie hums, moving around behind Steve and wrapping his arms around his waist. “You’ve convinced me, sweetheart,” he says, pressing a kiss to the crook of Steve’s neck. “Let’s do it.”

“Yeah?” Steve cranes his head around to look at Eddie, showing off the luminous smile lighting his face.

“Yeah, baby,” Eddie says, leaning into Steve a little further. “Lemme tell everyone how much I love you all over again.”

The way Steve practically melts against Eddie is worth all the pomp and ceremony in the world, Eddie thinks.

(But the promise of cake doesn’t hurt.)

#steddie #eddie munson #steve harrington #stranger things #steddie-spooktober #Steve Harrington can bake #and Eddie's all about it #solar wrote #eddiesteve

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kinardsboy · 5 months ago

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Prefacing this by saying i don’t hate Eddie or buddie in any way, im only tagging this as anti buddie so people can filter out criticism on a ship that they enjoy ❤️

This post doesnt really have a specific theme, I’m just kinda rambling here so bear with me lol

Something that has been bothering me for a while about the gay eddie hc, is that at least the canon basis/evidence for it, is honestly a little homophobic? Most often people claim he’s gay because of how he treats women poorly and how many failed relationships he’s been in and I just.. first off have you MET a straight man?? 😭 thats how they are..(For the most part). Secondly it’s a negative stereotype that gay men dont treat women well, so having that be one of your main points to make Eddie gay rubs me the wrong way, especially when it comes from non queer men. The other main point I see is the quote “it feels like a performance” but the thing about that quote is , its taken extremely out of context.

He was literally talking about being set up on dates, being FORCED to date instead of letting it happen naturally. Thats what feels like a performance.

I have never understood why Eddie also cant be bisexual if queer at all. he has been clearly shown to enjoy having sex with women.

And another thing that bothers me is that buddie fans shout all the time about wanting whats best for Buck, and then want him shoved in a relationship with a man that has never treated a romantic partner fairly. Again, this isnt Eddie hate but the guy needs serious therapy. He’s a good friend and a good dad, ultimately hes a good person too but he’s not a good partner and that wouldnt change just because he dates Buck.

Bob’s are constantly forcing a heteronormative role onto Buck, especially when it comes to taking care of Christopher and it just, thats not going to solve anything? Like at all? It really makes me feel like they dont understand mlm relationships at all, and what they look like and how they work, especially based on their reactions to how Tommy and Buck interact.

People probably arent going to like this take, but I see fics or posts that constantly put Christopher as Buck’s 1 priority and I just dont think its true. Dont get me wrong I really enjoy the relationship they have, but if any kid on the show has his highest priority, its Jee. Buck spends so much time with Chris because Eddie needs help, if Henren needed help or babysitting more often Buck would seem close to Denny and Mara as well. Im not saying Buck doesnt care or want to hang out with Chris of course, but I feel like people definitely overplay their relationship to an extreme extent. The same goes for buddie in general, especially these last few seasons I dont see buck and Eddie being any closer than eddie and hen or buck and hen or something. Especially considering in 704 Eddie literally didnt invite him to trivia which he knows (or should know) Buck likes lol

And another thing about Christopher is that they turn him into this buddie love child who is SO obsessed with his dad’s sexuality and its just so weird to me. They completely strip him of any independence and personality and turn him into this buddie advocate, and then put him away when he’s no longer useful or needed. Its ableism. Chris is his own character and his story shouldnt focus around Buddie or his dads romantic endeavors AT ALL.

Anyway if you read all of this thanks for indulging my rambling lol

#anti buddie #anti bobs #911 abc #bucktommy #tevan #icarus rants

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kings-highway · 16 days ago

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my totally 100% correct opinion on which haikyuu ships would go canon if it were heterosexual

Kagehina: yes. regardless of which of them were a girl. however they would not get together within the canon of the show but have 1 or 2 almost kisses and then after the series ended you'd find out they got married. Like there'd be 2 lines total talking about them getting married and thats it.

Tsukkiyama: yes. regardless of which of them were a girl. they'd be together at the start of the series and be a relatively boring couple basically just there to make weird heteronormative quips (if yamaguchi were the girl, tsukki would roll his eyes a lot at having to go shopping, etc, and if tsukki were the girl, yamaguchi would be way too insecure about other guys looking at her) BUT late in the series there would be a short arc dedicated to them breaking up and then immediately getting back together and I hate to tell you, it would be cute.

Daisuga: my heart and soul - not in any fucking universe. I dont think there would even be jokes or innuendos about it. I think if Suga were the girl there would even be moments of Daichi like straight up not realizing it. "wdym you cant change with us???" bitches are the Pillars of Reliability for Karasuno they wouldnt bother giving them relationships.

Asanoya: if noya were the girl, yes. If Asahi were the girl, no. Noya could be a fiesty little girlfriend but they'd be too chicken to give a short man a big, bashful ladyfriend and that is the ONLY reason they wouldnt be canon.

Iwaoi: sorry to break it to you but probably not. the writers would be pouting and slamming their fists around like "nooooo they see each other like siblings, we wanted to show male-female friendships were possibleeeeee." however I think the chances would be slightly higher if Iwa were the girl. In that annoying tsundere way of "oh she's never going to admit she likes the guy everyone else also likes" but it would probably only be implied, never canon.

Kyohaba: yes! if Yahaba was the girl. Their entire thing would be switched to "kyotani finding a girl who smacks him around and decides to devote himself to her" where Yabaha would pretend she hates it. Less chance if Kyotani were the girl but I suppose not impossible.

Ushiten: Complicated. I think in general if they were male-female their friendship would play a bigger role. But it would be canon if Ushijima were a girl. Only because of the double standard for women. In the same way that all women characters eventually have children even if they claim they dont like them initially, I think the writers would be too chicken to let a woman be mean and formidable and stern and they would have to temper her with her quirky, ecclectic best friend/boyfriend to make sure people understand she's still Woman. They would be canon within the actual text and not just implied/afterwards but it would only be given enough screen time to establish Ushijima as a feminine woman and then be forgotten so Ushijima could proceed to beat the shit out of whatever team they were up against next. However if Tendou were the girl she would 100% have an overt and obvious crush on Ushijima (probably literally saying she was in love with him out loud) BUT they would let Ushijima keep his intensity and it would only serve to make Tendou quirkier and/or played as a joke, it wouldnt be canon.

Arankita: No! Only because if Kita were a girl, Atsukita would be canon. And I think if Aran were a girl, they would be given a much stronger Best Friends energy in that "male-female friendship" way. both a female kita or a female aran would still be "one of the boys."

Bonus: Atsukita: Yes, but only in promotional media or extras, they wouldnt give screen time to it. Like there'd be a bunch of promotional stuff of like Atsumu picking Kita up or teasing her. yknow.

Bokuaka: Yes, obviously, geez. Doesnt matter which is the girl. Thet would already be in a relationship from the time theyre introduced.

Kuroken: Yes, but they wouldnt get together. It would be like a slow burn where they keep looking at each other with flowers in the background, but it would feel like the writers forgot to put them together. Like the series would end and everyone would go "huh. weird we never got a kuroken confession but alright" No kisses, no hand holding, but like 12 extra minutes of gazing at each other and blushing. But only if Kenma was the girl. If Kuroo was the girl they'd be too chicken á la Asanoya and would instead pull an Iwaoi.

Rarepairs as a general rule are a "No" just due to them not being canon for reasons unrelated to gender, however, I want to shoutout these rarepairs:

Kogagoshi: Wouldnt be canon due to not enough screen time, but regardless of who was the girl, Kogane would have been used as a joke developing a spontaneous crush on Goshiki for the camp that is basically just there for comedic relief

Kenhina: regardless of who was the girl this would be an UNBERABLE implied attraction that serves only to create drama between Kagehina. Like nobody who's read love stories with love triangles before would ever think theyd end up together but the writers would try their fucking best to convince you this was plausible over the obviously intended endgame of kageyama.

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anyway thats just my opinion but Im right so 😌

#too many ships tags to fcking bother #haikyuu ship headcanons #haikyuu ships #haikyuu

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solitaryandwandering · 1 month ago

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A Ramble: Love in the Big City Eps 1-2

I just watched episode 2 of Love in the Big City and I am... reeling. Cried when Kim Nam Gyu died, when Yeong and Mi Rae sang together at the wedding, cried at the crushing ending line. I loved the direction in these two episodes; one of the reasons I was super excited to watch this was because they're switching up the directors for each part. Such a cool way to signal transitions in Yeong's life. Now that I've seen the caliber Son Tae Gyum operated at I'm intrigued to see how direction will affect the next parts. Maybe I'll write up a thing about that in the end, but I'm hopeful others will as well! I am chomping at the bit to read the book, seriously!!

I have to mention first what a BALLSY move it was for them to open on Yeong's tryst with a man who was cheating on someone currently in the military. And he walks in the door, STILL IN UNIFORM. What a fucking slap in the face to hegemonic masculinity!!

After this first part what I am really lingering on are two things: queer loneliness and heteronormativity's relationship to misogyny. I'm just gonna put down my half-baked thoughts, I don't have the time or spoons to formulate coherent sentences haha

Though I saw Nam Gyu's death coming just based on vibes in the first episode, its impact wasn't lessened. Its significance didn't really hit me until I saw how empty his funeral was. Loneliness shaped his life - repression, liberation in meeting another gay man, falling in love with him way too fast, forming a dependent attachment, his desperation/obsessiveness in losing it so abruptly. He expressed his queerness in his photography, voyeuristic and seeking closeness with his subjects in the only way he felt was available to him. He had no friends, no relationships outside of his with Yeong. When Yeong breaks up with him and when he visits him drunk in ep 2, he says "falling in love is not a sin." To me, this shows just how removed from a loving community he has been, how nascent his queerness. He's still processing homophobia, it still influences every move he makes, everything he thinks. Clearly he has not had close relationships with other queers, where he may feel free to unburden himself. He falls back on heteronormative performance of romance, searching the best places for dates, not having anyone to ask. Knowing he's older makes this hurt more.

His story brought to mind the futility of AIDS-related deaths in the U.S., to be honest. I lost my gay uncle before I even knew him, and I know no one from his life. I know it's not a perfect parallel, but that funeral... this emptiness carries beyond one queer person's death. And Yeong's journey in these two episodes is about queer loneliness, of course. But his story is not as tragic as Nam Gyu's. He has (amazing) queer friends, and at one point had Mi Rae. He is much more connected to the queer community than Nam Gyu ever was. Despite his immaturity, Yeong is also much more familiar and comfortable with his queerness. I imagine this thread of self-actualization in the face of loneliness will continue in the rest of the show.

@twig-tea and @poetry-protest-pornography also wrote about queer loneliness in this show: here and here

And then we have Mi Rae, a vitally important relationship in Yeong's life, the love this part of the story is about. I met my best friend in college as well, so this part of the story was bringing up a lot of feelings too. To me, their friendship was as much about navigating heteronormativity as anything else, reflected in Yeong's reflection that "she learned that being a gay man sucks, and I learned that being a woman sucks just as much." Mi Rae is impacted by misogyny in every step of her character's journey: male classmates labeling her a slut and claiming her body for theirs, being groped, her challenges obtaining an abortion and mistreatment by a male doctor (where she literally claims her uterus back), her conflict with her parents (I'm assuming her mother had very rigid ideas of what a woman should be, based on her behavior at the wedding), hiding her past from her boyfriend, forced to defend herself when he questions why she lives with a man, shutting herself off from her relationship with Yeong (and thus rejecting her past) after the wedding. I looked up the status of abortion in Korea (a legal gray zone) and was reminded of how badly women there have it, which provided more context for her behavior.

Yeong must also traverse heteronormativity, which is what ultimately drives a wedge between the two and ends their friendship. In the beginning, their mutual rejection of heteronormative scriptures is what brings them together. He stands up for her against those male classmates, in an interaction steeped with assumptions of his heterosexuality. In rejecting her objectification he made himself a pariah for refusing to participate in normative masculinity. And their relationship continues thus, with her promising never to out him. She betrays him in a moment where she feels her participation in normative heterosexuality is threatened (and, indeed, it is a legitimately precarious position to be put in as a woman). Their brief reconciliation mainly consists of Yeong participating in a heterosexual ritual - he has no access to marriage in Korea. Her singing with him and letting go of her inhibitions for one last time was her goodbye to him and her ultimate acceptance of a more heteronormative life. One he can't participate in.

I hope that made any lick of sense. So looking forward to watching the next week. I am holding myself back from watching the next episodes right now. So hard.

#it's me #spoilers #love in the big city #megan watches

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lurkingshan · 2 months ago

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Dear Shan, I discovered your blog recently and it has been a delight to go through your very insightful takes on BL. I am learning a lot. I love Bad Buddy a lot and since I learned you love it too I thought maybe I could ask you about something that has been bothering me. Another BL blog (ineffable opinions) claims that the series does common queer people in Thailand dirty by making fun of their appropriation of the word wife. I have read posts by absolutebl explaining the term might be a pejorative-adjacent and that made sense then. But on a second thought, I am worried if my western upbringing is leading to some confirmation bias on my part.

Hi anon, thank you for reading! There's a lot to unpack in your question, some of which I am not qualified to address, but here's what I'll say:

I have the blog you are referencing blocked because their main purpose on this website seems to be posting confrontational screeds that make ad hominem attacks against other people for attention, hidden behind a veneer of intellectual language to make it sound academic (it's not)

That said, that doesn't mean every criticism they offer is totally without validity. I am not really qualified to unpack their claims here about how queer people in Thailand may feel about this term or Bad Buddy's intentional rejection of it (neither are they, as they are not a queer Thai person).

But I do know that Bad Buddy was in fact made by a queer Thai man, and one of its running themes was intentional subversion of common bl tropes, including rejecting the use of "wifey" and other heteronormative language. Through this show, Aof Noppharnach is speaking directly to his own community and commenting on the tropes of the genre that he does not find helpful to queer men.

That said, queer men in any country are not a monolith and I'm sure there are some who like to use that language, which is certainly their right. They are also free to make art expressing their own POV about these issues.

That's what I got on that! As a western person engaging with Asian media, it's good that we recognize the limits of our own context and don't try to speak for people we do not represent. I feel no need to plant a flag on this debate, but I do think it's an interesting thing to consider, and it's part of a conversation that happens globally around the reclamation of slurs and heteronormative terms for queer folks.

#bad buddy #thai bl #shan answers

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chirpsythismorning · 1 year ago

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Mike's character regression can be explained in large part by one emotion in particular: guilt

Just want to preface this by saying that, this is not Mike slander. I love this dude. In fact, I think what makes Mike such an interesting character is that a lot of his behavior throughout the series can be explained in part by previous moments, and after really looking at all these moments together, what you end up with is a pretty fucked up story.

So while some might want to take this as Mike slander, these points I'm making are a part of Mike and things he has done and said and whether they were intentionally harmful or not, it's Mike. It's all shaped him and his role in the story. The fact that we're seeing a visible shift in his behavior at all, with plenty of moments from the show to back up what brought us here, makes it compelling enough to talk about.

So, without further ado, back to our roots:

Ah yes, the infamous canon proof disputing Mike's I think my life started that day we found you in the woods, claim during his monologue. Not only that, but in this original scene from 1x02, it turns out Mike actually intended to send her away the next day (all of which El could hear Mike saying from the open bathroom door).

Mike outright calling El a weapon, again telling the others they need her because they stand no chance at getting Will back otherwise.

I wont elaborate on this now, because there is way too much to unpack that'll honestly be more worthwhile discussing further on.

For now, this is a secret tool that will help us later.

These next couple scenes right here though, are pretty painful if I'm being completely honest. The way its shot, specifically El's very visible exhaustion, accompanied by the varying priorities of others around her, leaves me feeling pretty unsettled upon rewatches.

I obviously can't remember how I felt when I watched these scenes for the first time, but I imagine I viewed them as this huge romantic moment for Mike and El (I was tricked by heteronormativity, okay?). But, again, upon rewatching them since then, I've realized I get this sort of sad feeling by the end. You'll see what I mean.

El obviously just went through something extremely traumatic. She tried to go find Will and Barb in the void, only to find Barb dead and Will presumably alive, but then slipping through her fingers at the last second (no, literally).

We then got a moment where Joyce held El while the others sat by quietly because she clearly needed a moment of comfort given what she just endured.

Then in this scene shortly after, everyone is leaving to get ready for their final attempt at saving Will.

Now, notice how not only Lucas, but also Dustin make the effort to reach out to El to comfort her affectionately after that traumatic event, with those twos' actions specifically being showcased in sequence?

Lucas, who spent the better part of the season being critical of El, is now ending the season rubbing El's shoulder to warm her up, literally soothing her to make her feel better.

Then there's Dustin, who right after Lucas' gesture makes a gesture of his own, putting his hand on her knee reassuringly, to show her he's there and he's happy she's okay.

And lastly there's Mike, who is so kindly allowing El to rest her head on his shoulder. This placement of Mike and El here is definitely a testament to the fact that Mike has vouched for El this whole time in contrast to the others and so, understandably, she put her head on his shoulder for reassurance, because out of the three of them, he's the one whose been looking out for her the most. (Right?)

Now you might be thinking that this sequence's only purpose was to show Lucas and Dustin's development with El, and that it wasn't intentional that they focused on Lucas and Dustins' priorities in this moment in contrast to Mikes'. And I raise you, this next scene.

Here we have a focus on Mike looking on to where everyone left, while the others beside him are presumably just processing what went down and taking a rest (and boy oh boy do they (El) need one).

Mike on the other-hand decides to take this moment of rest to display the most cliche and universal forms of distracted unrest known to man: he checks his watch.

Mike then stands up abruptly, causing El to fall without his shoulder there for her to rest on anymore, all while her and Dustin are looking on after him, sort of like... Okay?

It's small. It might seem insignificant. But if you actually pay attention to what this scene is trying to make you feel, after really looking at it for what it is, it's kind of sad.

In a moment that chooses to highlight the other boys' acknowledgment of El after what just happened, and not only that, but at the tale end of their final battle of the season, Mike is... distracted?

Mike, who has been presumably looking out for El more than the others in the party this whole time, is conveniently out of commission? And right now when El is looking for his reassurance the most? Mike doesn't even have a moment to say, 'Hey I'll be right back, I just want to check something. Can one of you?--', asking Lucas or Dustin to sit next to her in his place. No. Dude just stands up without even acknowledging her.

If it was any other moment in the show, under less post-traumatic circumstances for El, then I wouldn't even think much of it. But it's at this point in the story when El is essentially at her most exhausted and quite literally seeking out support from others, specifically Mike, that makes his distractedness so eery.

Again, you might still be thinking that this isn't that deep. However, I think based on the events leading up to this, and what follows right here, could quite literally hold the answer to the guilt Mike is still keeping to himself to this day.

So... How are we feeling?

Are we feeling like Mike None of you are thinking about El's wellbeing right now! She could get brain damage from using her powers too much! She's not a weapon!* Wheeler is a little bit of a hypocrite? (I told you that tool would come in handy!)

It's actually quite terrifying how similar this scene is framed to the scene in Hopper's cabin in s3, where Mike pretty much says the exact opposite. In s1 Mike goes from being one of the first people to refer to El as a weapon within the context of them using her powers to find Will, with him being completely un-attuned to the fact that she is exhausted in this moment while the others are saying El's rest and safety is the most important, to then in s3 completely flipping script and saying El was using her powers for nothing, blaming the others for treating her like a weapon and not taking her wellbeing into consideration.

It would be one thing if Mike had a little arc where he acknowledged this script flip. Because that's what it is. It is them having Mike use a word in s1 to describe El, that being weapon, only to say the others are treating her like that with that same word being used. It is them having Mike not agknowledge El's well being after overusing her powers, only to say the others aren't taking her wellbeing into consideration for overusing her powers.

And it would be one thing if Mike had spoke to El or literally anyone about how he felt like he wronged El for planning on sending her away the next day after they found her so that they could go back to looking for Will, or how he said she was a weapon that they needed in order to find Will, essentially being no better than the people she just escaped from, who also used her for her powers. But we don't get that (actually we do.. but it's not acknowledged for what it is aka survivor's guilt. It's instead seen as romantic... another tool for later...)

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think any of Mike's behavior takes away from what Mike did do for El, because yes he was kind and accepting when the others weren't. But even despite all of that, at the end of the day, he was often at the forefront of expecting El to risk her life for them, even if he wasn't outright asking that of her.

Before you freak out, No. I don't think Mike, a literal child, was capable of fathoming that El was going into these situations risking her life. She's a superhero. El's alternative was literally going back to the lab, running, or staying with Mike. This was her safest option.

After a bunch of rewatches and putting together a lot of these moments as a whole, I've come to a point where I believe that Mike's behavior throughout s1 was him thinking that because of who El was, she's already in danger at all times. That is a constant reality for her. And so why not have her help them find Will, because she is able to, all while he can also help her. And El clearly wanted to help them, because she wanted to help good people and finally do something meaningful with her powers for a change. Unfortunately, she also had to endure PTSD flashbacks almost every single time Mike and the boys had her use her powers to help find Will.

Speaking of Will, he is currently missing and possibly dead. Will also, in contrast to El (for now...), does not have any sort of superpowers.

Mike's concern over the threat of Will's livelihood is much greater than Mike's acknowledgement to the true risks El is exposing herself to each time she uses her powers to help them. That is s1 canon.

Is there times when Mike is focused on El and her well being. Absolutely! But is there also times when Mike is not showing any display of concern to El's well being in the moment, in complete contrast to the other characters around him... Also yes.

And so the events happening the way they did, with Mike himself not fully comprehending the severity of what's been going on during these high stake situations going on around him, makes sense.

And that's what makes it all the more sad that when Mike finally does realize what he's truly been asking of El this whole time, which is to risk her life for them, it's too late.

This whole scene is obviously very emotional. All of the boys are crying, but the focus on Mike calling out for El painfully is heartbreaking.

But what's even more sad to me, is that El has been sort of used to mistreatment her whole life. She's used to having to find any comfort she could get from people in her life, all the while they were using her for her powers. I mean even despite Brenner being who he was and doing what he did, she still showed these signs of wanting to love him despite it. Which is very very fucked up. But knowing what she's gone through, makes sense.

Mike on the other-hand does greatly contrast Brenner because he was one of the first people to actually treat her with genuine kindness right from the start (before he even knew she had powers), making it a lot easier for her to care for him even despite that pesky trait of using her for her powers being almost synonymous with Brenner's very similar trait.

So when she looks back at Mike, and points him out specifically before sacrificing herself, it feels like a few things at once.

It feels like her acknowledging the fact that she appreciated him specifically for taking her in and supporting her more genuinely than anyone has in her entire life.

And yet it also feels like her, either intentionally or unintentionally, acknowledging the unfortunate side affect caused by days of Mike leading the efforts to find Will, with the expectation of her to do things to achieve that, which could have all lead to her demise technically. And so now when it all comes down to it and the stakes are at their highest yet, same as the risk, she's got to a point where she believes there is no other choice but to do just that, risk her life, especially if it means saving them.

While this is happening, Mike is backtracking in real time. He is trying to get El to stop and it's because he doesn't want her to die. Obviously.

But that's the fucked up part isn't it? When he finally realized what he's been asking of her this whole time, it's too late.

Which takes us to S2 Mike Wheeler, known by many for being a boy whose been calling his true love everyday for almost a year now because he's just so in love, but is actually in fact a boy suffering the most intense form of survivors guilt, one that involves a person who genuinely feels responsible for the persons death...

But that will probably take at least another 2,000 words so I'm thinking maybe I better split this into multiple parts.

I will tease that the next part involves one specific detail in particular that I never see anyone talk about, a detail that I think, in combination with what's discussed in this post, is so important to understanding Mike's breakdown for what it truly was at the end of season 2. I will also probably do more posts beyond that for s3-4, to delve into the impacts these moments from the first two seasons have basically put in place a perfect recipe for what is currently going down.

So feel free to stay tuned for those nonsense updates.

Continued

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