#ciggeratesaftersex

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

Fuck you.

For making feel loved.

For dancing with me to the sound of the waves as we watched the sunset to shades of purple, orange and blue.

For sitting in my car with me screaming out the lyrics to all our favorite songs while we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

For the mornings doing nothing but staring into each others eyes, pouring our souls out like honey.

For the way you said my name during sex and the eye contact that made me believe god existed.

For loving every inch of my skin.

For kissing all my scars and actually holding a space to listen to the fucked up trauma that took me there.

For being the sweetest love I ever knew and melting you with kisses while you were doing mundane tasks around my house.

For being one of the best friends I ever had, laughing until 3am and making spontaneous runs for our favorite food.

For being just as angry that someone did me that fucking dirty, and holding me while I cried about what I had lost.

For not thinking of me when you told me you loved me when we didn’t even know what we were doing.

For making me fall in love with you, and you begging me to tell you just how I felt. So I finally did, and you had tears in your eyes because you couldn’t even believe that someone loved you so much.

For that same conversation when I told you I push people away when I’m scared and I never wanted to do that to you.

For saying with the purest, most genuine, loving tone “Look at me love, instead of that, can you promise me you’ll talk to me instead?”

I kissed you like I had finally found safety. I finally had somewhere soft to land.

For reassuring me with “Good, because if you can do that, we can get through anything.”

For realizing you weren’t ready,

after all that.

For letting my guard down thinking someone might actually put me first. That maybe I could finally be soft, and stop carrying this weight in my chest that has slowly suffocated me over the years.

For making me believe that you would stay.

For leaving anyway.

Fuck you.

[sesamesyrupsworld]

Sunsets I wanna hear your voice A love that nobody could destroy Took photographs like Brautigan's book covers That we both adored And when you go away I still see you The sunlight on your face in my rear view This always happens to me this way Recurring visions of such sweet days #sunset_pics #sunsetlover #citysunset #citysunset🌆 #citymood #citylife #city #citysunsetview #streetsunseen #streetsunset #gujranwala #gujranwalacantt #gujrawala #instagram #instaphotograph #instagramer #instadailyphoto #instadaily #instatraveling #instatraveling #instapakistan #ig_road #ig_naturelovers #ig_gujranwala #iglobal_photographers #iglobal_photographers #iglovers❤️ #ig #natgeoyourshot #photography📷 #photooftheday #ciggeratesaftersex https://www.instagram.com/p/CHW5eFRpLl0/?igshid=1q8pi39gdvsyu

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

“And It’s Just As Good As I Knew It Would Be”

And so I started falling,

Endlessly.

From the clouds-I went.

Falling, laughing, crying, and fighting like hell.

I hit the ground hard and fast and when I finally opened my eyes— I was so confused

My skin was warm and the sun was bright. I looked up and I saw you holding out your hand. Intoxicated with the smell of sweet wine and your laughter. I started running with you —the most irresistible force of fire and life I have ever known.

I didn’t want to understand how this happened. I thought I was dying? I accepted my fate and somehow gravitated to your soul. Like that’s exactly what the universe had planned, pushing me off of the clouds- this is why I had fallen.

Deeply, Madly, Endlessly.

I never knew anything as sweet as you.

With blood on my lip and bruises on my body. You healed a part of me I didn’t know was so broken.

Although, my wounds were deeper than I actually knew. You couldn’t get to them. Embedded into my bones I felt something snap, I looked down and I was bleeding. My heart fell out of my chest.

We just stared…

Tears flowed down your cheek.

Gently, you picked it up and placed it back into my hands. Giving me a cute little cartoon bandaid, and we continued running.

but,

We ran out of bandaids— that was a shit fucking day. You didn’t know what to do. It was storming. Rain was pouring. I couldn’t see, I wiped the water from my eyes and I saw something dark emanating in the distance- monstrous shadows slowly creeping out of the night sky.

They were familiar and I was terrified.

I knew they were coming for me.

You held me tight and I should of held you tighter. I should have kissed you harder. I screamed as they dug their claws into my feet ripping me away from you.

They took me. Pulled me under. You tried grabbing my hands. You did everything you could, Everything. You fought. Cuts and bloody knuckles.

Your heart got broken.

I knew this part was my fault.

You see, I knew them from long ago, and they only got more sinister since I was a kid. I was just so fucking tired. I should have protected you. I should have gave you a clear warning. Although I tried, and you thought I was just trying to scare you like in the movies we’d watch, but unlike the bad acting in chainsaw massacre, this was real and you didn’t understand. How could you?

They were vicious. Told me that you hated me. Told me I was worthless. Fed me poison and told me that love never existed. I scoffed and screamed out your name- giving them the middle finger. It exists. I said.

It got quiet

dead silence filled the air…

Slowly stepping forward, claws dragging on the cold hard ground. They each held up a jagged mirror to my starved and broken body.

Dissociation glazed over my face.

Gripping a fist full of my hair, forcing my tear stained eyes to the image in front of me.

“How could anybody love you?”

A trail of mocking laughter echoed off the walls and I fell to my knees.

You were trying to get back to me. I heard you calling and I so badly wanted you to hear me. To bring me back to the surface.

But It was too late…

I couldn’t escape. I didn’t have a shovel and six feet under wasn’t going to cut it. I had to salvage what was left of my soul.

This time- I wanted to. Honestly, it brought me no greater joy. Live or eat shit for the rest of your life knowing they will never let you have peace.

It felt like an eternity.

I nearly broke every bone in my body.

Tortured and forgotten until I felt nothing.

For months, I felt-

Nothing.

Rip me into pieces, tear me limb from limb, but being slowly poisoned by nothingness…. Is not of this earth.

Having to constantly remind myself that I was even still alive.

Day after day, I was exhausted. Sinking quietly into the abyss. Collecting shards of broken glass left over from previous years. Careful not to sound off the rust covered chains they kept me in. In the pitch black darkness, raw and bloody, my fingertips gently tracing the perfect outline.

I was patient.

I waited until they fell dormant. They do this for periods at a time- you see. They’re sensitive to sounds and I was done living in silence.

The darkness almost swallowed me whole when I finally heard a click. My eyes shot open.

Quick to my feet, I lured them in with a bang- Throwing my restraints on the floor. They came lunging towards me and I bolted to the bag of jagged mirrors.

Every single loved ones face, Every single regret and moment of betrayal flooded my body.

Nothing but adrenaline in my veins and the memories of grievous heartbreak pounding inside of my head. I wasn’t afraid anymore- I had nothing more to lose than my life. So, fuck it.

Cutting them off with determination. They clawed after the bag. My fists were raw as I gripped it tight.

Striking the floor. Mirrors shattered in every direction.

Their reflections scattered, but it wasn’t enough.

Dark screeching laughter pulsated through me like nails on a chalkboard.

Palpitating my heart with terror.

Quickly, I slid. Scraping my knee to the only un-shattered piece still left on blood stained ground. I held it up strong while it cut deeply into my palm.

Staring in silence and disbelief.

Unfazed by the glass setting fire into my skin.

Boldness and hell ran through my veins.

“it was you who never existed.”

Impulsive rage filled their hollow eyes as they tried for my throat one last time.

I smiled in satisfaction as I waited.

Face to face with their own demise of a faceless existence- They fulminated into ashes.

Falling pure as snow.

twisted echoes fell silent

The smoke cleared and my lungs inhaled deeply.

I could breathe.

Silent tears dripped off the tip of my nose as I looked down on what remained. Standing over the ashes with years of left over rage.

Cursing deeply under my breath.

Spitting onto the ash with spite.

I could have swept what was left under the rug, but I spent too many years doing that.

This was a reminder.

I dusted myself off, and started climbing.

Dirt, sweat and dried up tears covered my entire face.

With my fingertips barely scratching the surface.

I sensed it all at once— Light, Radiance, and Euphoria fell like glitter all around my being.

Finally,

I was free.

I was finally fucking free.

I felt proud. I was grateful. I was healing.

Walking into this new found life, the sun was shining and the trees were swaying in the breeze. I was dancing when it started raining. I smiled, spinning myself around dizzy, joyful-

and there you were.

You looked different.

You looked like you had been searching for me all your life.

It was always you.

Dancing, laughing, as vibrant as the blood moon.

Holding out your hand, impatiently smiling.

“What are you waiting for my love?”

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

And so I started falling,

Endlessly.

from the clouds-I went. Falling, laughing, crying, and fighting like hell

I hit the ground hard and fast and when I finally opened my eyes— I was so confused.

My skin was warm and the sun was bright

I looked up and I saw you holding out your hand. Intoxicated with the smell of sweet wine and your laughter. I started running with you—the most irresistible force of fire and life I have ever known.

I didn’t want to understand how this happened. I thought I was dying? I accepted my fate and somehow gravitated to your soul. Like that’s exactly what the universe had planned, pushing me off of the clouds- this is why I had fallen. Deeply, madly Endlessly.

I never knew anything as sweet as you.

With blood on my lip and bruises on my body. You healed a part of me I didn’t know was so broken.

Although, my wounds were deeper than I actually knew. You couldn’t get to them. embedded into my bones I felt something snap. I looked down and I was bleeding. My heart fell out of my chest. We just starred. Tears flowed down your cheek- gently you picked it up and put it back-gave me a cute little cartoon bandaid and we continued running

We ran out of bandaids— that was a shit fucking day. You didn’t know what to do.

It was storming. Rain was pouring. I couldn’t see, I wiped the water from my eyes and I saw something dark emanating in the distance- monstrous shadows slowly creeping out of the night sky.

They were familiar and I was terrified.

I knew they were coming for me.

You held me tight and I should of held you tighter.

I should have kissed you harder. I screamed as they dug their claws into my feet ripping me away from you.

They took me. Pulled me under. You tried grabbing my hands. You did everything you could. Everything. You fought. Cuts and bloody knuckles- your heart got broken. I knew this part was my fault. My own downfall. You see, I knew them from long ago and they only got more sinister since I was a kid. I was just so fucking tired. I should have protected you. I should have gave you a warning- Although I tried to tell you- you thought I was just trying to scare you. Like in the movies we’d watch- but this was real.

They were vicious. Told me that you hated me. Told me I was worthless. Fed me poison and told me that love never existed. I scoffed and screamed out your name- giving them the middle finger- It exists. I said.

It got quiet……… dead silence filled the air…

slowly stepping forward claws dragging on the cold ground- they each held up a jagged mirror to my starved and broken body… “How could anybody love you?”

You were trying to get back to me. I heard you calling and I so badly wanted you to hear me, bring me back to the surface.

But It was too late….

I couldn’t escape, i didn’t have a shovel and 6 ft under wasn’t going to cut it - I had to fight.

This time- I fucking wanted to. I had no choice. Live or eat shit for the rest of your life knowing they will never let you have peace. This was personal.

It felt like eternity.

I nearly broke every bone in my body.

Day after day I waited. I was patient. I waited until they fell dormant. They do this for periods at a time, but they’re sensitive to sounds and I was done living quietly.

I lured them in with a bang- throwing my shackles on the floor— they came running towards me and I bolted to the bag of jagged mirrors. Nothing but adrenaline in my veins and the memories of heartbreak pounding inside my head. I wasn’t afraid anymore- I had nothing more to lose.

Cutting them off with determination. They clawed after the bag. Gripping it tightly I pried it out their cold dead hands until it hit the floor.

Mirrors shattered in every direction- their reflection was scattered and it wasn’t enough.

I slid. Scraping my knee to the biggest piece still left on dirt stained ground. I held it up strong while it cut deeply into my palm.

They starred in disbelief.

Boldness ran through my veins. I roared: “You see? You were never even there.”

Face to face with their own demise of a faceless existence- They fulminated into ashes. Falling pure as snow.

I could breathe.

I could have swept what was left under the rug, but I spent too many years doing that. This was a reminder.

I dusted myself off, and started climbing.

Dirt, sweat and dried up tears covered my entire face.

With my fingertips barely scratching the surface—

I sensed it all at once— Light. Radiance and euphoria fell like glitter all around my being.

Finally. I was free, I was finally fucking free. I felt proud. I was grateful. I was healing.

Walking into this new found life- the sun was shining and the trees were swaying in the breeze. I was dancing when it started raining. smiling- i spun around dizzy and joyful-

and there you were. Dancing, laughing, vibrant

holding out your hand- impatiently smiling

“What are you waiting for love?”