#choi san x mc

[hwaightme]

Wilting to bloom

🍃 pairing: soldier!san x reader (told in first person) 🍃 genre: angst, a smidgen of fluff, warrior/royalty, battle 🍃 summary: we were meant to remain in the meadows, living under the sun and blessed by joyous unity. no eyes were made to witness what you had seen, san. these letters and dreams are a recollection of all that is to never be, and all that we have to bear. 🍃 wordcount: 5.0k 🍃 warnings/tags: nightmares, discussion of trauma, side character death, waiting for san to come back, cottagecore, military, ptsd/trauma, paralysis, told through the eyes of mc ('you' is an address to san), a dog, hoping for a better life, nothing will be the same. let me know if anything else. 🍃 taglist: @doom-fics @layzfeelit @acciocriativity @izuijin @justhere4kpop @honey-lemon-goose @byuntrash101 🍃 a/n: a chaotic experiment, bear with me; much love <3

Wearing the purest white, chasing the freedom of being young. Hot summer rays kissing bare skin, the wind cheering us on until we collapse on the ground with breathless, airy laughter. Hiding among the lilac, lavender, and black locust. Those carefree days. Nobody thought that this could ever change. Our life was that of a mayfly’s, existing entirely in the present – the reason for our happiness. We lived in blissful stagnancy, with our guardian angels watching over us, hand in hand, from the heavens above. We were free in the groves, free to do whatever we wanted.

The clover and chamomile crowns we would make for one another – yours were always much better than mine. Sorry I could never give you something you truly deserved. But you smiled anyways and took my collection of withering leaves and put it on your head with pride, dirtying the perfect locks that turned to rich chestnut and mahogany hues in the sun. Pollen would stick to your tousled strands, and yet, you would wave off my hands, saying that this was a blessing of nature. I did not argue. You managed to make the floral grains take on the appearance of magical fairy dust, or glistening gold. We went out during daybreak into the meadows to pick the marvellous beauties – second compared to you, but nevertheless wonderful.

You brought me flowers – whichever were in season. By the bouquet on my windowsill, I could tell what time of the year it was. You were my messenger, my sun and moon. You knew how to make me blush and how to tease me painlessly, peppering kisses in a playful apology after a joke that would make me tear up from laughter. You learnt how to braid hair, just so you could tame my unruly curls on the days when the air hung low and stuck to the skin. A simple braid had turned into gorgeous designs, ones which I had never seen on any other lady, even on those aristocratic dames that had taken to visiting our lovely part of the kingdom.

Whenever I went out into the world, the market mainly, with your gentle touch having moulded me into what you called a goddess, it was a reminder that you were unparalleled – the girls would give me long side glances, obviously trying to spot a mistake, cursing me over and over. Little did they know, you, and everything you do, defined faultlessness. You have marvellous hands – not too delicate, not too rough. Just right. Those hands still linger on my skin in the echoes of caresses, yet another reminder of your irreplaceable presence. A man’s marvellous hands, your hands, which I could rely on holding me up to greatness. I wonder how they are now and if you are managing out there. Those hands were never meant for bloodshed and violence.

‘A musician’s fingers’ – that is how they are called; I found out recently. It is a shame that I could never put it into words for you then, so you just laughed whenever you caught me admiring them. You brushed me off, saying ‘they are just hands’ and continued doing what you were doing. Sometimes, your fingers would intertwine with mine and we would amble in the verdant grass together and collect gifts of the earth. Walking at the same pace, side by side. We were one another’s world. At least, you were definitely mine. You still are. The moment I wake up, right up until I fall back into a restless slumber, you greet me in my memories, with that gorgeous smile of yours. Do you still gleam like that, my love?

I have a particular scene ingrained in my mind, moment for moment. How we sat together watching the sunset, tired but still elated after ambling across the endless expanse of fields for far too long. How you glanced over at me and grinned wide. I was stunned then. What had I done to deserve to have such an angel beside me? Your features – a divine perfection, accompanied by wit and charms unlike anybody else’s. If only I could eternally live in that evening when we whispered sweet nothings to one another with our berry-stained lips, embraced by the corals, pinks and dusty ultramarines of the sky. The present would not be so terrifying if I had the ability to go back with you, to that small fragment of heaven.

How are you out there? My apologies for getting so sentimental – it seems that I cannot control myself when it comes to this… I miss you terribly. If only you could come home this instant. We could check on the honeysuckle in your mother’s garden – she gave me some to plant in mine! Just you wait, we will have the best garden in the village! Come home soon, I will have your favourite dinner ready, and we can chat about anything except the world out there, and laugh, and love.

Get back safe, San.

You came to me in my dream last night. It was so real that I could almost feel the breeze and taste the pungent odour of ripe fruit coming from the orchard. It was the middle of the night, and I was resting, embraced by rolling waves of linen. You had knocked on my window. Gave me quite a fright, you know!? The moon that enveloped your form and climbed into my room with its ashen rays had made your complexion pallid, washed out, ghostly, rendering me terrified and unknowing of who had awoken me from my slumber. A part of me had expected it to be father – you know how he is - a skilled carpenter, loves to work into the night, cutting and shaving away.

With one pull of the curtains, the white light had turned into a halo, and your skin had been covered by a silvery sheen. You beckoned me, and despite my initial hesitations I went with my calling, and in my nightgown, carefully opened the window and slid out. My family home only has one floor, however you were protective of my and were prepared to catch me as if I was about to perform a death-defying stunt, jumping from a cloud straight into your arms.

Not too far from the truth. That was what falling for you felt like. Though the best, unforgettable element was that you were there for me, reciprocating what had been building in my heart for so long. I only realised it when the beating got so loud and strong that it was about to burst. You told me you had loved me from the very beginning and had already sacrificed yourself to being by my side regardless of whether I returned your adoration or not. You were not afraid of any legends of unrequited love – nothing would turn your ribcage into a garden of flowers, for you had told yourself to live on, if not for yourself, then for me.  Are you still living for me? Are you still out there, blood coursing through your veins reciting the vows we had made to one another under the moon?

A memory turned mantra had come forth to me in that dream. Of that night. How we were sat on our favourite hillside, overlooking the meandering river turned moon path, the world holding its breath for us. We promised to one another to be there until time itself would give the universe up to us. A destiny unbreakable by reality. We had tied all our strings of fate together, with you braiding them into an unbreakable union. Or so we thought. For the time being, you are not here. We cannot repeat that moment like we had done every anniversary. I had spent the third one without you sleepless – a wolf soundlessly howling at the glowing orb in the sky with a pitiful expression on my face. You would most certainly have poked me in the cheek and told me off for being so down.

Is the moon the same where you are? Did you think of me? Did you rest underneath the blanket of spectacular constellations, drawing lines between stars, your inhale and exhale being the only thing audible for miles? The nights are getting cooler now, I hope you wrapped up warmer. You had that one trench coat, remember? The hand-me-down from one of your friends who… oh, never mind that. It is not relevant. Didn’t you take it with you? Yes, yes you did! I can see your silhouette drifting away into the distance, becoming a dot in the horizon. You had that trench coat on. It suits you so well. Better not go around stealing the hearts of naïve young ladies wherever you are.

I wonder if you are stationed in a town like the one to which we used to go to for school. Or maybe... you are in a city! A giant city with sky-high walls and a dizzyingly colossal castle, with bustling taverns and busy squares, luxuries spilling over from baskets and intricately woven into the locals’ drapes and… just the musings take my breath away. Last month I went to a city like that. No, even better. I went to the capital of our country – it was even better than in the pictures and textbooks. I was pleasantly overwhelmed by all of the activity and people rushing back and forth. In our village, you know almost exactly where a person is going by their facial expressions, by how they are dressed and how they are walking. Be it the market, the cemetery, the orchards, somewhere further out. We used to sit on a bench next to the main road and make our, nearly always correct, guesses about a fellow villager’s path. In the city, in the security of its grand gates, that was virtually impossible, and yet in the thousands passing me by, I had somehow managed to imagine I spotted your face.

There had been no silence in the night either. Always, there seemed to be something going on, and lights were never put out. Never was there a total somnolence, unlike in our quaint home. I bet that when one falls asleep, another wakes up – a cycle of the day and night. Would our moonlit walks have the same feel if we had been in the city? Probably not. Reality would constantly interfere and mute our true sentiments. I hope you are in a place where you are free to think; it seems to me that that is exactly what those who I shall not dare mention are trying to control lately. The posters clinging to stone walls have become wallpaper, dirtied by the sediment left from horse-drawn carts going to and fro. The announcements and misleadingly fun, inspiring songs boasting glory and promising a brighter future, tailored by fiendish composers to convince impressionable citizens that aggression is the answer. The horror of manipulation did not seduce you – you had cupped my face and whispered your hatred for the game where you and I were crafted to be pawns. But, somehow, the claws of the devilish puppeteer, searching for a fresh sacrifice, had made it into our paradise, ruining the safe haven and ripping you away to a foreign land.

I cannot begin to imagine where your feet are taking you at this very moment. Whether you are in a cheery stride singing at the top of your voice or burying yelps of fear and pain while staying crouched in the dirt. You would probably explain to me that it is better that I cannot see the present you. Before you left, you had told me that once you appear in the horizon once more, liberated from your unwanted service, we will be able to live with even grander joy, grateful for the time that we would still have together. All smiles, you promised to return with your arms wide, ready to embrace me. We could return to the same patterns, the same legend of our love.

Are you keeping your word? Does the promise stand?

Frankly, it does not matter, as long as you come home safe and sound.

San, my love, please return soon, so our hearts can beat in unison once more.

For the nation, for the glory, for the power.

You never understood why you had to leave. The slogans were obviously manipulated, the encouragements were laughably weak, and yet you left. You had seen through the façade immediately and yet, with pursed lips and tears in your eyes that you were never going to allow to fall, you marched away, so far away from home, from love, from life. We all wanted peace. However, unfortunately, those who had the power to decide thirsted for a good share of the riches that came with a catastrophe. The country, not the people, are struggling – that is what the flyers say. Fight for the greater good. For the big message. From crusades to conquests to battles to wars, there was always, supposedly a greater good. The country: a united front, a body that was the only one allowed to forget the names of those who make it, providing the individuals in control with beautiful ignorance, and the ones beneath them, sacred anonymity. You were called to work and fight for the country, not knowing what the country was. It is said that the country needs your help, but it is the people who have to fall in the end. The same people who fell into delusions that they would be saved by their glorious rulers, by their nation... Crumble like fortification, or rattle on forwards like heavy artillery.

No way back. You are an automaton. Keep your head down. Left right, left right, left right… A blank stare trained on the muddy path. There is no choice but to continue walking forwards. Those who fall do not get up again. Once you are taken to serve, you lose all sense of self. You forget about who you have been before this moment. Before the higher ups began to shout you down for breathing too loud, for having a foot a millimetre out of place, for blinking at the wrong time… You lose your feeling of being human, praying to become a machine. There is no place for humans out there.

You cannot recall what you have done after charging, spurring yourself on with an earsplitting scream. Your mind draws a blank. It is blocking you from returning to what you have seen and heard. But sometimes, on nights when you are restless and cannot fall asleep, lying on the side and staring at light coming into the room through the line between the curtains, your thoughts begin spiralling out of control. All the shards are recollected at once. You can smell the fear of your comrades, the despair and the lack of willingness to accept that it is all over.

You are holding your friend in your arms, practically lying down beside him in an attempt to avoid the barrage above you. You have known him since childhood. From the age of five years old you have supported one another and have shared one another’s joys and sorrows. You have watched one another grow up, learn, and fall in love… A part of your soul is being torn away from you. He is bleeding out too fast. Shrapnel is stuck in his body and bullet wounds pierced it right through. There is nothing you can do, and yet you keep on uttering that ‘it will be fine, you can survive, you will survive, do not go’. There is horrifying acceptance in his eyes. A gentle, holy smile. The only serenity on the battlefield. You find the actions of the rest of the soldiers around you to be sordid. They are not stopping, those fools. They are running to their own deaths. Your friend is rapidly departing. He gestures for you to lean closer. With tears making rivers down your cheeks, stained with dirt, you obey. Stifling a cry of mourning you hold him in an embrace. He whispers ‘it has been a good life’ into your ear, weakly. There is almost no spirit left in him. You could sense Death lying in wait – standing outside of the action, observing and calculating the work cut out for it: here goes another one, and another… How many guided tours would it have to make to the place of Judgement?

After coughing up the mucus that has blocked up his throat, your friend says: ‘I love you, brother. Thank you for being by my side… until the very end. Tell my wife and daughter that I love them. Yes… it has really been a good life.’ With one final push he grips your hand and squeezes it. The last handshake you will ever share with him. He shuts his eyes and lets out his final breath. His everythings will never see him again, only his name on a letter marking his end. They will never get to have a family breakfast beneath the birch in their garden. ‘Papa’ is gone. ‘Darling’ is gone. ‘Brother’ is gone. The least you can do is clean his fatal wounds and cover his body in tarpaulin to provide the bare minimum protection from the elements. Honour him by letting him go in the right way. He must have a name. Even after his death. The least you can do is to find a place which his ‘everything’, the two women in the photograph he carried in his pocket, could visit.

You scream. You cannot stop yourself. Grief overtakes you and you look up to the gloomy grey sky. Permanently overcast, looming. It is about to rain. You could smell it over the stench of raw and rotting wounds and destroyed earth. The Heavens are preparing to cry for the loss of so many innocent lives. So many guardian angels looking down on the regular civilians thrown into a war that was not meant for them. It is the people who fall, not the country.

The scream permeates dreams and reality. You jolt yourself back. Covered in cold sweat you find yourself shivering. Hair clinging onto the back of your neck and your forehead, you are lost. But it was… so real? Where did it go? You can still hear the gunfire, the sabres cutting flesh and bone, the yells. The sound of utter demise all around you. Your hands fly up to cover your ears. There is no way one can bear this. The noise spreads through you. Your heart is beating to the rhythm of the brutal march you were trained to follow.

You are home, but your inner turmoil cannot let you fully acknowledge it. Stuck in a limbo between past and present, you are trapped. The gunfire fades back into the rustling of the orchards, and the sirens dissolve into the hooting of an owl. You sit in silence, your breathing agonal. Vision swimming, it is impossible to focus. Drifting in and out of consciousness. After staggering from your bed to the windowsill you lean on it with both arms, which now bear a multitude of scars – majority of which you do not remember getting. The curtain obediently slides away revealing the night scene.

The rolling hills that go down to the river; the groves and meadows lining them at the tops. The forest in the distance. The moon. The wondrous, miraculous full moon. Untainted by the sorrows of the world it has to orbit. Forever young and beautiful. It has watched over you. Seen you at your worst and is praying for you to be able to return to your best.

The grass seems to shine in the silvery blue light. Dew has already built up, readying itself for flight in the dawn. Last echoes of grenades disappear, replaced by crickets that are giving a concert in the fields. It has been a pleasantly warm September, surprising the majority of the villagers. They rejoiced and happily spent their days working and then relaxing on one another’s porches.

Now new colours are taking over. Once the sun rises, the yellows are going to stand out against the greens, multiplying and spreading, until they will give way to oranges, reds, and browns. Birds shall migrate to a warmer place. You ponder as to where. What place could be better than this?

It was almost two hours until all symptoms and aftereffects of the attack have faded away. The tremor in your hands halted until another time, and the shallow breathing has finally levelled out and you could fill your lungs. You open the window to allow the fresh, cool night air in. Drifting into the room along with it is relief. You are thankful for the tiredness that washes over you. A welcome fatigue greets you and guides you back to bed.

Snuggling into the white sheets you curl into a foetal position and inhale the night air. It lulls you and comforts you. For now, all that haunts you is forgotten, and you are back to how you were. You are back to racing through the lilac, the lavender… Back to lugging heavy baskets full of fruit. Back when you knew of nothing that could harm you. In less than a second, you enter the land of dreams.

To this day we do not talk about what had happened. I do not want for you to suffer, nor do I want your present to be tainted with such darkness. We are now focused on what we love, and live to seize the best moments. Perhaps if I were to give my reasons for not mentioning anything, or asking you after what you had done, you would say I pity you and see you as a weakling, but that is not the case at all. I see you as the strongest person alive. You have survived through terror. You have faced phobia and apocalypse and did not cower in its presence. You have come back.

It was on a bright August morning that you have returned. The sun was shining, the nature was gleaming and a sense of victory was still hovering in the air. I had just finished preparing myself for a day of work at the farms and helping out with some resource gathering, when I see a limping figure in the distance. My heart was leaping. I did not want to bring my hopes up, but something was telling me that it was you. Perhaps it was the way your shoulders were outlined against the sky. The way you walked on without the need to check where you were going. You avoided the bump, the dips in the road without a single glance at them. It was you, my love.

I stepped outside and carefully chose my steps. Since our house was fairly close to the outskirts, I did not have to pass through the main roads to greet the mysterious, yet so familiar a figure. I slipped through the gap in the fence that has been there for as long as I can remember and quickened my pace. I strode past the field and followed the meandering path between the shacks and houses. Perhaps my wait was over, I thought. When I stopped at the road, I was sure. It could not be anybody else. But I was still tentative to rush ahead, letting me be carried by my intuition.

My legs moved on their own accord, leading me to you. We took our time. Our eyes were fixed on one another. I could not read your expression. Deep in contemplation and solemn, you trudged on, and we reunited on the golden, gravelly road to the village where we grew up. You were in uniform – had gone up in the ranks, look at you! You took off your hat, and your shabby rucksack fell to the ground, bringing up a cloud of dust with it. You leaned down to place the hat down on it, and then straightened yourself. Your eyes travelled up and down my body, as if you were trying to memorise me. I still could not begin to comprehend what you were feeling. I did not say anything. Were you disappointed? Did you expect to see somebody else?

My doubts dissolved as soon as your powerful arms wrapped around my waist, and you pulled me close. You held me in a tight embrace, whilst my hands snaked around you, recalling just how much I missed you. It was you. It was definitely you. We stood there for an eternity. We were as still as statues, even when a distant shout of ‘he returned’ had travelled to us. There was bound to be a commotion, a celebration. The biggest one after the news that the war was over. But we did not move. You did not look up. You hugged me tighter and let yourself melt into my caresses. Whispering my name, over, and over again, you were misty eyed as you removed your head from the crook of my neck and gazed at me. Tenderly, I guided you into a soothing kiss, reminding you that it was all over. You were here. You were home.

A month later, we said our real vows. We got married in the tiny church that was central to the village square. It was meant to be. The sun blessed us, shining down and giving us a shimmering peck on the tops of our heads. After the celebration, at dusk, we escaped to the hillside and gazed at the stars, drawing those same constellations with our fingers. We had been craving these quiet moments together. Now we always dedicate sometime to ourselves, in unity. Sometimes, we sit on the porch or at the table in the garden, drinking freshly made juice or tea. We do not have to talk. We just exist together. We understand what the other wants to say without it being voiced. Nodding and a knowing smile is plenty.

I will always be there. I hold your hand through your dark times and pray for it all to get better. Whatever it is. Perhaps there is no diagnosis – there are no physical symptoms for what you are feeling, and yet, you experience unbearable agony. I do not know where it comes from, so I can only assume it is in the mind. If only emotion and memory was built up of bricks or was a jigsaw puzzle. Then I would remove the pieces that hurt you so and you could go back to being a young boy with a dream.

You have matured in a way that nobody should. Far too early you have seen the evil of society and had to grow up into a stoic man. Now that you could, technically, return to how you were, the demons have stuck to you, and haunt you wherever you go, attacking you when you least expect it. Once, it happened at the farmer’s market. A loud bang from somebody dropping pots and pans resulting in us hiding in an alleyway where you collapsed with your back to a wall and curled into a ball. I dropped to my knees beside you, and counted out loud, diverting your attention, calling you back. It was always a challenge. There was nobody we knew who could give us a helping hand; we had to combat the invisible on our own.

So here we are two years later. Getting by. Living in small steps. That is enough. We try to stick to routines and use that as a comfort. A year ago, by coincidence on the anniversary that you have returned from the land beyond, we have stumbled upon a spectacular companion – an adorable mutt with wagging tail. He senses your pain and knows when to alert you. He knows you trusted him, and gave him the name ‘Haneul’. Suits him nicely.

He was the runt of the litter, and the owner thought to ‘let him go’, as they had put it. Your heart had ached for him and soon enough, the tiny puppy was wriggling in your hands, snuggling into your warmth. You fed him and cared for him night and day. The new responsibility swept you away and let your mind rest for a record amount of time.

Now, Haneul is always by your side, even when I cannot be with you. He follows you around with unbeatable persistence, protecting you. He allowed you to try and step out into society on your own, with success. Of course, it would not be life if there were no setbacks, but even when you could not leave the house, Haneul is right there, with you. He rests his upper body on your chest, right above your heart, and looks up at you with concern and adoration.

We are a happy family: you, Haneul and I. At least, we are managing with the happiness that we are provided. Long gone are the days when we would dance with the breeze, and bathe in the sunshine; white shirts fluttering like butterfly wings. It will not come back, and for the better. We would not give that time the love it deserves – our souls and will has dried out, and the time of our youth is distant. What is left is to sit in the garden, with Haneul at our feet, holding hands and recalling the time when we had made flower crowns – king and queen of a pretend world, accessible only through a child’s imagination. Too soon we have lost it. Too soon. Without a chance to say goodbye. We are two shells, together out of habit, waiting out the days and seasons. Living in perpetual motion until we live our peaceful last.

Once, in half slumber, you told me about your friend. Yes, the one who said that he has lived a good life. All I can pray for is that when the time comes, we would be able to say the same.

[yuncheoligans]

Jumpscare

Idol!Choi San x Reader

You watch a scary movie with your boyfriend, but you don't seem to have as much fun as you hoped.

Warnings: Mentions of anxiety but nothing extreme, Language, Just Fluff!

wc: 1645 (I know its short! Forgive me!)

a/n: Just a short San Oneshot not related to my other works just wanted to write a little comfort fic, I hope you guys like it! I am working on other things but this came to me as I was talking to a friend (@senpai-of-doom Thanks for letting me bounce ideas off you! <3 <3 <3!!) about comfort fic ideas. I had fun writing it, I hope you enjoy reading it!

Tag: @layzfeelit since I know you were also looking forward to it! Your support means the world to me!

Masterlist

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To say I am a coward when it comes to scary movies is an understatement.I was not a fan of horror films but I knew they were a good date idea, and I barely get to see him anymore, not since the group started gaining popularity and I’d be damned before I ever thought about holding him back. I am his number one fan always, I was at every show I could make it to and I’d never stop him from living his dream like that, he meant the world to me so I’d prove it every chance I got. However, he thought it’d be fun to scare the piss out of each other and watch scary movies, you get all cuddled up together and it’s cute but I hope he doesn’t pick something that scares the piss out of me. 

“I was thinking about Paranormal Activity?” San smiled as I got comfortable on the couch.

“I don’t think I’ve seen that one.” I looked at him curiously.

“I heard it’s pretty scary. I think we can handle it though, it’s a found footage film.” he got next to me as he scrolled Netflix. He came over to mine, much more quiet than me trying to sneak into the dorms and all the guys. “Ready?”

“Mmhmm.” I nodded and grabbed the blanket and popcorn. You could tell he was really excited to watch this.

We got about halfway into the movie before I really started to get tense, the movie was building obviously but I was starting to feel it. My hands felt kind of clammy. I could tell he was trying not to let it show he was also getting a little paranoid but he had a certain look to him that told me he was almost as tensed up as I was. I don’t know why we suggested this he doesn’t like scary stuff either. This is so dumb of us. It was the end of the movie when the main character Katie screamed for her boyfriend Micah after watching him for almost 2 hours, that finally caused me to lose it. I practically threw the popcorn in the air when he got thrown at the camera letting out a yelp. San wasn’t doing much better but I think between the two of us I was the one that was terrified. I was hoping he wouldn’t notice, I mean it's just a movie I shouldn’t be this scared. 

“Maybe we should go to bed?” San suggested as the credits rolled.

“Oh yeah sure.” I nodded, closing my eyes to break my stare on the screen. As he got up I learned he had no intention of inviting himself to stay over, I wasn’t about to let that happen, there’s no way I was going to sleep alone. “W-Where are you going?” I stuttered. “I barely get to see you, please stay the night.” so I don’t get freaked out by anything.

“I didn’t…want to assume you wanted me to stay.” he looked relieved honestly.

“San we’ve been dating for 2 years now, I think it’s safe to say please stay after any and all date nights?” I gave him a warm smile trying to hide the fear in my voice.

We got ready for bed but that was the easy part it seemed. As we laid down, in my dark…dark room, I couldn’t help but start to feel the anxiety rise in my chest. I tossed and turned for the better part of 3 hours before I started feeling like there were things happening I couldn’t see, noises were coming from everywhere, and the worst part….he fell asleep facing away from me. Now I’ve never been one to be able to wake anyone up, I used to be so scared to wake my parents up during the night I’d rather suffer under my covers during a loud thunderstorm than go crawl to them. I heard a loud thump come from my hallway and it completely sent me over the edge, I threw myself out of bed and into the bathroom letting the tears flow down my face. I couldn’t help it anymore, I was so scared there was something in my apartment and I couldn’t ask for help. I yelped when there was a knock on the bathroom door and practically died when it opened. I threw the closest thing I could at the intruder which happened to be a towel….very effective.

“Baby…Baby it’s me. It’s me, hey take a breath.” San said, hushing me calmly. “Hey hey hey shhh shhh.” he wrapped his arms around me. 

“Th-There’s something out there.” I blubbered.

“I already checked it’s okay, it’s just your imagination.” he held my head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were this scared.”

Was I really that good at hiding it? I guess that’s the troubled past coming through…I thought I was an open book when it came to that. 

“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I’m so sorry y/n. I thought…I’m so stupid.”

“No you’re not.” I looked at him teary eyed. “Please don’t talk about my boyfriend that way.”

“Hey your boyfriend did a poor job at looking after you, I can be a little harsh on him right now.” he picked me up. “Come here jagiya.” I wrapped my legs around his waist as we got up.

“I didn’t mean to wake you.” I said in a small voice.

“I was awake anyways.” he let out a little chuckle. “How about we watch something else. As silly as can be, even your favorite kids show. Youtube, we can play video games. Make cookies?” He brushed my hair back and wiped my face.

“You can go back to sleep.” I whispered.

“And leave my baby out here like this, no way.” he kissed my forehead. “I’m not leaving you until you’re smiling, and forgetting about this whole scary thing.”

“Can we watch Business Proposal then?” I looked at him.

“Absolutely.” he smiled and turned it on. It was just the amount of cuteness, no scares, and romance I wanted. Nothing terrifying happened and it was nice leaning against his chest while watching it. He wrapped the blanket over my head and rubbed my back. “I love you.” he whispered to the top of my head, giving it a small kiss.

“I love you too.” I nuzzled into his chest a little more.

“I really am sorry Jagiya.”

“Sannie, please don’t worry about it anymore. It’s really ok, it was just a movie.”

“I know, I just should’ve realized sooner you were scared. I honestly didn’t know.”

“Which is why I’m not mad Sannie.” I squeezed his other hand that was holding mine. “I know you wouldn’t just ignore it, you’re not that type of person.”

“How about some chocolate? It really does help after you cry.” he opened up a little piece for me and popped it in my mouth, not letting me grab it myself.

It felt nice to get taken care of for a little bit, I felt bad since it was so late but he kept telling me it was no bother to him, as long as I was happy.

“You do so much for me, you’re at every show, cheering, singing along, taking photos. I can take care of you for a few hours.” he chuckles and nudges my head with his nose. “I love you.” he kissed the side of my face again.

“I know.” I giggled since his breath tickled me. “You said it earlier.”

“And I’m going to say it again. I love you.”

“I know.”

“I don’t think you heard me. I love you!”

“I know!”

“I Love You!”

“I Know!” I started chuckling more.

“I LOVE YOU!” he kissed all over my face after his loud 2 am proclamation.

“I LOVE YOU TOO!” I said back with a laugh now.

“I love you y/n,” he smiled watching me.

“I love you too, San.”

“I love you more.” he pulled me closer and kept his hand on my back. “And I’ll tell you as many times as there are stars in the sky.”

“Whoa, that’s at least….like 20 times.” I chuckled at his expression.

“Probably more like 20,000.”

“I did say at least.” I smiled which was quickly followed by a yawn.

“Bedtime?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Bedtime.” I nodded.

Still he carried me to the bedroom, not letting my feet touch the floor for a second. He said it was too cold and I shouldn’t have to know what that feels like, whatever that meant. He cradled me to him this time and tangled our legs together, now I know how he feels, his feet are cold as hell. No wonder he complains when I do it in the winter, will that stop me…no. 

“Goodnight Baby.” he smiled his wonderful crinkled eye smile. I love that smile so much, it felt like home.

“Goodnight-” I yawned. “Sannie.”

We both got quiet if only for a moment, my eyes starting to shut peacefully.

“Baby?”

“Hmm?”

“I wish I knew you didn’t like scary movies either, it would’ve saved us a lot of anxiety.” he chuckled.

“Either? So…you didn’t like the movie?”

“I was honestly terrified the whole time. I thought you liked scary movies.”

“San, I honest to god hate scary movies with my entire being.”

“We really should’ve watched Up again instead.” he smiled into my hair.

“Maybe next time. No more scary movies?”

“No more scary movies.” he agreed.

“Good.” I nodded. A sense of relief washed over me learning he was just as scared as I was and thought I was fine. That was all I needed to finally put my mind at ease and fall asleep in his arms.

“Goodnight baby. I love you.” he smiled, pulling the covers over us.

[ldysmfrst]

HI, wanted to check in, we didn't hear from you for a while, how are you? Btw how's American mate going, any new chapters in mind? Take care♡

Hello @sunshinecallie!! Thank you for checking in on me. Things have been kind of everywhere with the family member passing away, the broken foot, and other things.

American Mate: Chapter 8 will be posted a little later this morning. I am very excited to see how it will be received by all of my dear readers. I am already working on Chapter 9, which is currently counting at over 8k words.

Breaking and Entering: Chapter 8 was waiting for a Patreon Membership poll to be completed before I could start writing it. So that will start soon.

I am also working on a One-Shot, which may end up being a Mini-Series, which was requested of me by a Patreon Membership holder for an Ateez San x Plus sized y/n. That is currently at over 5k words.

Again thank you so very much for checking in on me. I hope you are doing well and will enjoy the upcoming content!

💜💜💜

[vcutparis]

i think i am Healed. i felt recognized here wow. warms hugs for u author! (spoilers in the tags)

subtle variations of heartbreak (index)

Summary:  a series of stand alone one-shots depicting every kind of heartbreak you will undoubtedly experience in your 20s

Pairing: fem. reader x Ateez

Genre: college au, high school au, oh boy lovers to exes, unrequited love, friends with benefits, like a whole lotta angst read with caution, fluff, smut

Warnings: a LOT of insecurity talk, sexual content, cheating, trust issues, communication warnings idk i’ll add if theres anything else

A/N: this will be a short series, one chapter for each member. they can be read as stand-alones but they’re all tied together kinda. i’ll warn you right now i doubt you will like any of these characters because theyre all going to break your heart so… idk when i’ll post the first part, maybe tomorrow or later on in the week. 

if anyone would like to be added to the taglist just dm me :)

MY  MAIN MASTERLIST!

INDEX:

1. The First Love

drabbles: this is what i have to do

2. The Hookup Buddy

3. The Blind Sider

drabbles: (don’t wanna) be responsible

4. The Game Changer

drabbles: dream of her

5. The One That Got Away

drabbles: the winner takes it all

6. When You End It

drabbles: messy as you want

7. Friends Can Break Your heart Too

8. The Cheater

drabbles: no good

                part-time lovers

9. The One 

drabbles : (not) my baby

                 still into you

                 sleepover

[hanjisungs-bigtittyg0thgf]

Sugar

best friend!san x fem reader

Trigger warnings: none that i can think of

Content warnings: names (sweetheart, baby, sugar), oral (m&f receiving), choking (briefly), breeding, dacryphilia (kinda?), san’s got a big dick (what else is new) and is down horrendous for mc.

Summary: your best friend just can’t keep his hands to himself

Word count: 5.7k

A/N: hey babes! i finally finished it!!! its unpolished as fuck but it’s done!!! it’s only taken me forty-seven years 🥴 not saying this is a full comeback as i’m still dealing with some personal shit but i hope i’ll have something else for you relatively soon. anyways, pls reblog if you enjoy the story!! 🥰🫶🏻

Tags: @bahng-chrizz @foxinnie8

Smut below the cut

Most likely to remain high school sweethearts. That’s the yearbook superlative you and your best friend had been awarded your senior year of high school. The kicker? You had never dated him. The thought had just never crossed your mind. You were content being the hot best friends that everyone either wanted to get with or wanted to be. He wasn’t, but you didn’t know that.

Choi San had harbored the biggest crush on you since the two of you were fifteen. He’d gone through a hard breakup back then, his ex spreading rumors and lies all through school, and despite claiming he was fine because he was a player, he was heartbroken. He had been in love with the girl and she’d broken his heart and tried to ruin his reputation. So when you comforted him and confronted his ex, which ended in a cat fight in the hallway that got both of you suspended, he began to fixate on you. He dated around to keep his mind busy and off you, but he was infatuated with his best friend. With the girl who would throw down with anyone who wronged him.

He’d been heartbroken when he found out you were going away for college instead of staying local, even more so when he realized the school you’d chosen didn’t have the major he wanted. He was distraught at first, thinking you’d be too far apart to visit often. Every school he looked at seemed so far away from yours until he found the school where he was currently enrolled. This one was only an hour drive away from you and he was relieved to find that your schedule at your part time job still allowed for you two to take turns visiting each other every weekend.

You were oblivious to his feelings. You often noticed how he had trouble sleeping at your apartment but whenever you asked, he claimed he’d developed insomnia. He hadn’t, he just couldn’t sleep because of the thoughts that filled his mind from knowing you were in the next room. He felt guilty to be honest. He was constantly having dirty thoughts that normal people didn’t have about their best friend. Your mere presence reduced him to little more than a giddy, horny teenager.

You also noticed that he became more clingy after the two of you left for college but you never addressed that. He was always an affectionate person and adjusting to college life was definitely hard, so you figured it was probably that. That was part of it. But really, he just missed you. It was that simple. He missed his best friend and his heart leapt every time you opened your door or he opened his. Seeing your face made everything so much better.

Today was no different. He lit up like a neon sign when your door swung open to reveal you in a cropped white hoodie and a pair of black yoga pants, a bright smile on your face. “Sannie!” You held your arms open and he immediately stepped inside, wrapping his arms around your waist and hooking his chin over your shoulder. Everything that had been bothering him up until that moment melted away as you hugged him, your grip tightening right before you stepped back. Oh how he loved your hugs.

You led him inside and motioned for him to sit on the sofa as you grabbed the bag of goodies you’d bought the night before. “I got your favorites.” You grinned as you rejoined him, opening the bag to show him the snacks, sodas, and alcohol you’d purchased. “Oh, also, my roommate is staying with her boyfriend this weekend so you can yell at the tv all you want, we don’t have to be quiet.”

He managed to conceal the excitement he felt at your words, knowing you didn’t mean what he was thinking. “Noted.” He hummed as he settled in. “Are we picking back up where we left off on that anime?”

“We can. I think we can finish the next season if we stay glued to the couch all weekend.” You hummed as you began to stage the snacks on the coffee table, only then realizing you’d forgotten glasses for the alcohol. “We can watch something else if you don’t want to watch that though. I’ve got some other streaming services if you wanna watch a drama.” You shrugged as you got up, heading to the kitchenette.

When you came back, he was sprawled out on your couch. His arms were resting on the back and he had the full man spread going on. He kind of resembled a starfish like that and you rolled your eyes as a smile tugged at your lips. You froze when he let out a low groan as he stretched, throwing his head back. Suddenly, images of you getting him off flashed in your mind. “Let’s watch that. We can watch a drama next weekend.”

You cleared your throat a bit and nodded as you recovered. “Okie dokie.” You singsonged as you joined him, sitting close enough that you could feel his body heat but still leaving enough space that you didn’t have those thoughts again. Where the fuck had that come from? You grabbed one of the bags of chips and settled in, his arm sliding down from the back of the couch to rest on your shoulders as you pulled up the show.

The episode started and you opened the bag, offering it up to San, who shook his head. “I’m good right now, sugar.” You shrugged and leaned into him, pulling your legs up underneath you. He tensed when he realized he’d called you something he’d only imagined calling you but you didn’t seem to mind so he forced himself to relax.

What you didn’t address was the surge of arousal that flooded your body. You were a bitch for pet names and he knew that. You weren’t sure why you were turned on by his words, though. It was San. Sure he was beautiful but he had never affected you like this before. Clearly it had been too long since the last time you’d slept with someone.

Your eyes locked on the screen and you focused solely on that for four episodes before you became aware of the ache in your joints. You’d managed to sit perfectly still for two hours straight and now your body was screaming at you to move. You gently shrugged San’s arm off your shoulders and stood as the fifth episode began, letting out a soft groan of appreciation as you stretched your muscles and cracked every joint you could.

The sound of your voice caught San’s attention and his eyes locked on the exposed portion of your back, wondering what it would feel like to press kisses there. Should I try and find out? Absolutely not. Why the fuck would you even think about that? Fucking dumbass. He shook his head and let out a sigh just as you turned to ask him if he needed anything from the kitchen. “What’s wrong?” You asked softly, noticing how irritated and distressed he looked.

“Huh?” His head snapped up and his jaw dropped slightly before he recovered. “Nothing, I’m fine.” He gave you a warm smile and you responded with a confused but playful wrinkle of your nose before heading off to grab a water. That was fucking close.

You opened the bottle and took a big gulp as you reentered the room, finding him sitting up properly now. He patted the spot next to him and you plopped down beside him, leaning back into his side, this time with your back to him. You brought your feet back up on the couch and took his hand, guiding his arm around your neck in a hug and tipping your head back to rest on his shoulder.

As you once again became enthralled with the show, his fingers absentmindedly traced shapes on the side of your neck. You shuddered at his touch every few minutes but didn’t register any of it as you focused on the tv. You whined a little when he moved his arm back to the back of the sofa but didn’t protest further, too invested in the show to care too much. You shifted to rest your head on San’s lap, grabbing one of the throw pillows to lay on.

With you stretched out like this, San was struggling to focus on the show. He was fixated on your exposed belly and began to discreetly drop his arm off the back of the couch towards your waist. He bit his lip as his hand made contact with your warm flesh, trying to appear focused on the show like you. You glanced up at him and took a moment to admire the view of his jawline before poking his chin. He looked startled and almost guilty when his gaze met yours. “What’s up with you today?” You asked in a teasing tone. “You seem extra cuddly and touchy-feely.”

“What, I can’t be touchy-feely with my best friend?” He grinned down at you and something in you shifted. “I just missed you. We used to see each other every day and for the last two years we’ve only been able to see each other on weekends.”

“Simpler times.” You sighed and turned your attention back to the screen, not bothering to move his hand. It felt nice.

He was surprised that you hadn’t swatted him away but he certainly wasn’t about to complain when you were delicately tracing shapes on the back of his hand. His heart was pounding and he was thankful you hadn’t continued with that line of questioning because he wasn’t sure if he could form a coherent sentence at this point. He should’ve known better than to start to get comfortable though. The second his hand wandered a bit higher, you grabbed his wrist and he froze. Fuck.

“That’s more than touchy-feely, San, that was almost my titty.” You didn’t appear to move your attention from the tv but all you could think about was just how close his hand was to your chest. What had gotten into him? And why were you so affected by his touch? You were just friends…right?

“Oh…sorry.” He mumbled, trying to appear nonchalant despite his internal panic. You didn’t buy it though and looked up at him again, taking note of his flaming cheeks. Cute.

“Seriously, San, what’s actually going on with you?” You hated how harsh your voice came out. You hated the way he flinched at your words. You weren’t trying to scold him, you wanted to put out feelers.

“Nothing.” He shook his head and refused to look at you. You thought for a moment before biting your lip. You clearly didn’t buy it and wanted to ask if he was thinking what you were so suddenly thinking. You were about to speak up when he continued. “I’m just tired. Come cuddle.” He opened his arms.

“Tired already?” He nodded. “Must suck to be any woman you fuck.” You snorted.

“I’ll have you know I have excellent stamina, thank you.” He fired back instantly and you laughed. There he was.

“I’ll believe it when I see it, gramps.”

“Is that an invitation, sweetheart?” You were almost taken aback at his tone, as you’d only heard him use it when he was actively trying to bed someone.

“San-” He just laughed and shook his head as if to assure you he was only teasing. Somehow that bothered you more. Desire had already begun to pool between your legs. You gave a little huff and released his wrist, which you’d been holding this whole time, abruptly sitting up as you swatted his hand away. You turned to look at him as the pillow you’d been resting on toppled from his lap, exposing the semi he was rocking. So he actually did want you. “Yeah, actually, it is.” He sat in stunned silence and you bit the inside of your lip to hide the smile tugging at the corners of your mouth, only speaking once you had successfully concealed your grin. “What? Did you think I’d get flustered and back off?” You raised an eyebrow and tilted your head to the side, your tone almost mocking.

“Yeah, kin-”

“Cute.” You cut him off and placed a hand on his thigh as you leaned towards him, your gaze flicking towards his lips for a brief moment before lifting back to his eyes, which still refused to actually look at you. “Tell me, Sannie, how long did it take you to work up the courage to try and feel me up?”

“I wasn’t-”

“Oh come on.” You rolled your eyes, your hand trailing a bit higher on his thigh as your voice dipped a bit. “You’re already half hard, clearly you were trying to get something out of me.” He squirmed at both your words and your touch, suddenly trying to squeeze his thighs together as he avoided eye contact in favor of staring at your hand, which he felt was far too close to his crotch for him to properly think.

He didn’t get a chance to respond before you spoke up again. “It’s never crossed my mind before, but now that I’m thinking about it, there’s so many things I could do to you, Sannie.” You whispered as you moved your hand away from the swell in his gray sweats and moved to straddle his lap. “What do you think? Should I?” You rolled your hips, grinding against his hard on, and he nodded far too quickly for his liking.

“Please do…” He whispered back, finally meeting your eyes. “Anything you want. ‘M all yours.” You got the feeling he wasn’t just referring to the current moment but you weren’t in any state to be asking for clarification.

You weren’t sure if you were prepared for the ramifications of fucking your best friend but you would have to deal with that later. The ache between your legs required immediate attention. You carded your fingers through his hair before turning your hand into a fist and tugging his head back. Your other hand rested on his neck as you caught his lips in a demanding kiss. The whimper that slipped past his lips went straight to your pussy and you shivered, leaning into his touch when his hands moved to your ass.

He was short circuiting. He was finally getting the chance to touch you and you weren’t pushing him away. In fact, you were the one initiating it. He licked over your bottom lip but you refused him entry, taking the chance to nibble on his lip instead. He gasped against your lips and you smirked, subconsciously tightening your grip on his hair.

“I never pegged you as the submissive type, Sannie.” You teased and he frowned against your lips, clearly pouting. Despite being a switch, he was more dominant than submissive. He was just following your lead because he’d dreamt about this for ages and he didn’t want to get ahead of himself. “Don’t worry, I’ll be nice to you. I’ve been told I’m almost too gentle.”

He whined at your ribbing and you chuckled softly as you pulled back, moving to sit on the floor between his legs. His eyes followed your every movement. You sat on your knees and pushed his oversized tee up a bit to admire his toned stomach before hooking your fingers in the waistband of his sweats. You tugged them down, his now-fully-hard cock springing free and slapping against his belly. “No underwear? Must’ve been real confident things would play out like this, huh?”

“No, actually. I just rarely wear them.” He rolled his eyes and you made a face. He seemed to be getting bolder and you weren’t sure how you felt about that. You were having fun with him. If he decided to take over…well, you doubted that would happen but you might have a brat on your hands.

You didn’t respond, just finished pulling his pants to his ankles, took his dick in your hand, and licked the head. His head tipped back as he let out a surprisingly deep groan and your previous visions came rushing back to you. He looked and sounded just as pretty as you imagined when you took him in your mouth.

“Holy fucking shit, y/n…” He groaned, one hand moving to rest on his belly, holding his shirt up while the other curled into a fist on the sofa. You hummed at his reaction and continued, taking him as far as you could manage. You gagged a little around him and he hissed, his hips jerking a fraction of an inch before he could stop himself. “S-sorry. ‘M sorry, y/n. Didn’t mean to.”

You giggled softly at his apology and he bit his lip, looking down at you. You bobbed your head as your gaze met his and he damn near lost his mind. You looked so pretty with his cock in your mouth. He wanted the image burned in his memory for the rest of his life. Who knew when or if he’d get the chance to do this again?

Given how you responded to his accidentally fucking your face, he decided to experimentally roll his hips. He almost met God when the tip slipped down your throat and you gagged around him, swallowing harshly as you tried but failed to relax your throat. You’d never deepthroated before and it showed as you tried to recover, tears filling your eyes and quickly overflowing to your cheeks. He gently pulled you off and wiped your cheeks, cooing at you as you coughed. “Breathe for me, sugar.” You nodded and took a deep breath, letting him dry your face. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what possessed me to do that. Are you okay?”

You nodded again and offered a small smile. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? I don’t wanna go full send and hurt you or-”

“I’m fine, Sannie. I promise.” He finally nodded after a few beats of silence and you tilted your head, eyes narrowing as you studied him for a moment. “Now, what’s with the name? You said it earlier too.”

He looked panicked at first before a grin crept onto his face. “Well, I would call you honey since you’re so sweet, but I feel like that’s a bit overdone, don’t you agree?” You shrugged in agreement and he leaned down, taking your jaw in his hand and jerking you closer. He was a breath away and you were going haywire. “I wonder if your personality is all that’s sweet.”

“What are you saying?” You asked quietly, surprising both of you at just how quickly you’d folded with a single rough touch. So much for him not taking over.

“I wanna taste you, y/n.” He moved to whisper in your ear and your breath hitched. “Every. Single. Inch.” He punctuated his words by kissing and licking up the side of your neck, then biting down softly on your earlobe and drawing out a tiny whimper.

You squeezed your thighs together and closed your eyes for a moment. You grounded yourself with a deep breath before opting to respond by simply tugging at his cock, teasing the head with your thumb. The groan he let out scratched an itch in your brain you never knew existed and his grip on your jaw grew tighter as he inhaled your scent.

“Get up.” You blindly followed his command, standing when he backed away. He didn’t speak as he kicked his pants the rest of the way off and stood with you, hauling you over his shoulder before starting for your room. You squeaked in surprise but didn’t fight, a smile creeping across your face.

You couldn’t stifle the giggle that slipped out when he kissed your side. It shouldn’t have tickled as much as it did.

San had an idea of the things you liked, you’d both talked about your escapades enough, so it came as no surprise to you when he gently placed you on your feet only to grab you by the throat and push you back onto the bed. Still, a thrill ran through your body as you wrapped your hands around his wrist. You sucked in a gasp just before he began to apply pressure to the sides of your throat, your eyes rolling back.

You felt his breath on your face as he leaned down to crash his lips against yours. Your hands left his arm and moved to his shirt, pulling him as close as possible. As he slipped his tongue into your mouth, he slowly relieved the pressure on your throat, allowing blood flow to return to normal and give you a head rush. You moaned into the kiss and wrapped your legs around his waist in a desperate attempt to keep him close when he started to pull away.

“I’ve always wanted to do that…” His voice was a low rumble that made your panties uncomfortably wet. “Always wanted to try everything you mentioned being into. The choking, the biting, the breeding…everything.”

If you weren’t aware of your panties sticking to your folds before, you were after that. “Please do.” You exhaled, trying to pull him back in even as he righted himself between your legs. “All of it. Whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want?” He raised an eyebrow as his hands moved to rest on your hips and you nodded. “Anything?”

“Anything.” You nodded again and bit down on your bottom lip when he rocked his hips, the blunt head of his cock smearing precum across your yoga pants as he rubbed against you. “Please…”

He didn’t speak as his hands slid up your sides, fingers inching under the hem of your hoodie and ghosting over your cool skin. He reached higher still until his hands cupped your breasts. “No bra? Must've been real confident things would play out like this, huh?”

You rolled your eyes and tried not to laugh as the conversation from only a few minutes prior repeated itself. “No, actually. I just rarely wear one.”

“Take it off.” He groaned in response, pushing your hoodie up so your chest was entirely exposed. You sat up, which took a bit of effort given your legs were draped over his thick thighs, and pulled the surprisingly-thin material over your head. He immediately knocked you back and caught your lips in a feverish kiss, propping on one arm while his free hand wandered along your belly.

Your arms wrapped around him, one hand moving to his back while the other tangled in his faded pink locks. He’d dyed his hair magenta a few weeks back and it had since lost its vibrancy - though not before staining a few towels and his pillowcase. You gave his hair a gentle tug and he groaned into your mouth, sending a wave of electricity down your spine.

He began to trail kisses along your jaw and neck as his hand cupped your breast, his thumb swiping back and forth over your nipple. You pushed your chest into his touch, head tipping back as your back arched. Your breath hitched when he brought his kisses to your chest, lips encasing your nipple as his tongue flicked back and forth. “Sannie-” You gasped, your grip on his hair tightening. His hand gave your other breast equal attention, lightly pinching and rolling your nipple before swapping sides.

You couldn’t say you’d ever been curious about what it would be like to sleep with San but you were certain his skills would exceed his reputation if he already had you drenched with minimal effort. You wondered if he could feel the wet patch between your legs, starting to soak through your yoga pants.

He could. He found himself eager to bury his head between your legs despite being determined to take his time with you. He worried he’d disappoint you if he moved too quickly but he still began his descent, peppering sloppy kisses down your belly as his fingers hooked in your waistband. He took your pants and panties both in one go as he moved off the bed. You didn’t miss his sharp inhale.

“Y/N…” Your face flushed red as he knelt between your legs, gaze locked on your glistening cunt. You wanted to tell him not to stare, to urge him along, but you couldn’t seem to break your silence. Finally, you lifted your head and he met your eyes, his own eyes widening in something akin to adoration, though more intense. “Is this all for me, sugar?” There was that name again. You nodded eagerly but he shook his head. “Words.”

You frowned a bit, annoyed that he was making you speak up when he could just take one look at you and know. Of course, you knew he wouldn’t give in so you gave a soft whine before speaking. “Yes, Sannie, it’s all yours.”

You didn’t know why you were so against speaking up. The sound he made the second you did respond made you clench around nothing. He noticed, of course, and let out a low groan as he hooked your legs over his shoulders and kissed your thigh. “May I touch?”

“Please do.” You whispered and caught your lip between your teeth.

He continued to litter your thighs with messy kisses and soft bites as his fingertips teased their way up to your pussy, never once breaking eye contact. Your head fell back to the sheets as soon as you felt him run a finger through your folds, gathering up some of your arousal. He moved torturously slowly, rubbing feather-light circles on your clit before easing one digit into you.

“You’re drenched, baby…” His voice, though painfully sexy, was full of wonder and amusement.

“Your fault…” You mumbled and he chuckled softly.

One finger wasn’t enough. You needed more. He could tell and you felt him smirk against your skin as he curled his finger. You let out a soft sigh at the action but he wasn’t satisfied and so he added another finger, and another when you still didn’t give him the response he wanted.

“Fuck this cunt’s gonna feel so good-” He sighed.

Now three fingers deep, he began his search for your g-spot. It didn’t take him very long if your embarrassingly loud moan was anything to go by. “So fucking pretty, baby.” He groaned, suppressing another sound when you clenched around his fingers. “You like it when I call you pretty? Or was it ‘baby’?” He teased.

“Both.” It was all you could muster as he leaned in and flicked his tongue over your clit. You immediately brought a hand up to your mouth to stifle your sounds but he pulled back and nipped at your thigh.

“Let me hear.” At that point, you had no fight left in you. You just wanted him to touch you and you’d do anything to get your way. You gave a nod, a small ‘okay’ slipping from your lips, and he slowly leaned back in, lips closing around your clit. He sucked and you let out a soft curse, bringing your hands to your chest to knead at the soft flesh of your breasts. He groaned in appreciation and set a slow pace, working you up with his fingers while his tongue traced different shapes over your clit.

You suddenly felt ridiculous for never having wondered if he truly lived up to his reputation. He was proving to you just how good he was and you were cursing yourself for never having thought about having his head between your legs. “Sannie- oh-” You keened, one hand flying to tangle in his hair once more as he pressed against your g-spot at the same time as he sucked on your clit. You wouldn’t last long like this. He was too good.

Your toes curled as he brought you closer and closer to the edge, his tongue dipping into you occasionally in place of his fingers. Your muscles ached with the tension that was building but you knew you wouldn’t be relaxed until he made you cum. Hoping to encourage him to get you off faster so he’d fuck you, you began babbling praises, only inflating his ego.

He made sure you felt his appreciative groan before pulling back for a quick breath then diving back in, tongue flicking with vigor. His cock throbbed as he inhaled your scent and his eyes rolled back briefly. He wanted more of you. All of you. So when you announced you were close, he backed away entirely and smirked. “Not yet, baby.”

“Sannie, what the fuck?” You whined indignantly, lifting your head when he sat up between your legs.

“Decided I want you to cum on my cock instead.” He shrugged, moving up the bed to catch your lips in a kiss. You were surprised by how sweet the kiss was considering how feral he’d just been acting over your pussy but you welcomed it, tugging him closer with a soft groan as you tasted yourself.

“So fuck me then.” You whispered between kisses, lapping your juices off his lips a moment later. The whole scenario was filthy and intoxicating.

“You mean like this?” He grunted as he slid into you with ease. Your jaw dropped and you gasped at the stretch. He fit perfectly, like you were made for each other - a thought that both terrified and intrigued you. He wasted no time in setting a slow, deep pace, each thrust driving you up the bed with the force.

“Just like that, Sannie.” You nodded furiously, wrapping an arm around his broad shoulders while your other hand twisted the sheets by your head.

San was on another planet. He finally had you. You, the girl of his dreams ever since he was fifteen. He was finally fully sheathed inside your warmth and he never wanted to leave. He’d give anything to stay with you.

He hadn’t intended to babble that out loud and realized his error when you responded.

“Yeah? Anything?”

“Anything.”

“Then fuck me harder and treat me like the most precious thing you’ve ever held.”

It was an easy ask. He had no problem cherishing you. Even as his hips began to snap harder and faster, the sound of skin slapping filling the room, he showered you with kisses and words of adoration. “So fucking good, baby. Do you have any clue how long I’ve wanted to feel this perfect little pussy? To make you fall apart on my cock?”

“Tell me, Sannie. Tell me how long you’ve wanted me.”

“God- ever since we were in school. It was so hot the way you fucked her up for hurting me and I’ve wanted you ever since.” His admission sent a thrill rushing through you and you clenched involuntarily, earning a low groan from him.

“And you held it together for that long? Fuck, Sannie, you- oh-” The tip of his cock just barely kissed your cervix but it was enough to make your thighs squeeze his hips.

“Shit, baby, you keep that up and I’ll cum…”

“Then keep fucking me just like that.” You demanded, back arching as he dipped his head down to lick and suck on your chest. He caught your nipple in his mouth and allowed his teeth to graze the stiff peak, grunting against your skin when your walls fluttered in response. “Want you to cum inside as many times as you can until you make me cum.” It wasn’t a demand or a plea, it was just a simple fact but he was eager to comply with your wishes.

“Christ, y/n, you’re killing me…” San groaned, resting his forehead on your chest as his hips pistoned relentlessly. He pulled back just enough to look up at you and you could tell by his expression just how close he was. “You really want that? Want me to breed you like a good little cocksleeve and keep filling you up over and over until you fall apart for me?”

Your nod and whimper were the only convincing he needed. He let go instantly, stars dancing behind his eyes as he pumped you full of cum. This was all he’d wanted for the better part of a decade and he was on cloud nine over finally getting you.

He briefly pulled out and flipped you over, taking a moment to watch a bead of cum drip down your folds before he slammed back into you. He might regret this later given how sensitive he was but he needed to give you anything you asked for.

Your back arched as he hit your sweet spot and you let out a soft cry. “There! Just like that!”

It didn’t take long before he felt another orgasm building. He warned you and you demanded he continue, begging him to give it to you. His cock twitched and he let go at your behest, filling you all over again.

Before he was finished, he reached around to roll your clit between his thumb and forefinger. He delighted in the squeal you let out and did it again, tears welling in his eyes from all the sensation.

“Oh god, Sannie, I’m so close!” You cried, your thighs trembling as your orgasm threatened to wash over you.

“Cum for me, sugar.” His voice was a low rumble in your ear, hoarse with unshed tears, and you couldn’t hold back. You let out another squeal as he toyed with your clit, tipping you over the edge. Your high hit you like a bus and you let out a sob of ecstasy as your pussy clamped down on San’s leaking cock.

You felt a tear fall on your back and gently pushed him back, forcing yourself to roll over. “You okay?” You asked softly as you pulled him to you, still buzzing with the aftershocks of your orgasm.

“‘M fucking perfect.” He offered a lazy smile as he leaned down to capture your lips in a sweet kiss.

“Mm then what’s this?” You teased as you pulled back, wiping a tear from his cheek.

“Proof that I’ve met my match.” He chuckled softly and wiped his face dry. “Seriously, that was…fucking amazing.”

“It was. Can someone explain to me why we didn’t do this sooner?”

“Who knows.” He shrugged and flopped down beside you, then pulled you to lay on top of him. “But I say we do this every weekend, sugar.” He laughed deeply when you swatted his chest in response but deep down you knew this was more than a one time occurrence.

[bvidzsoo]

Your worst mistake...

ᨒ District 4 ✧ one of Panem's wealthiest districts, plays an essential role in bringing the bounty of the sea, victors: Mags Flanagan, Annie Cresta, Finnick Odair

Author: bvidzsoo

Pairing: stylist!Choi San x victor!female reader

ᨒ Warning: gore, descriptions of murder, beheading (sort of, mostly implied), violence, blood, weapon use, injuries, ptsd, slightly suggestive, co-dependency, probably unhealthy attachments, slight weight shaming (don't do that!) ᨒ Word count: 25.7k ᨒ Rating: mature, nc-17 ᨒ Genre: Hunger Games!au; forbidden love!au, set before Katniss and Peeta became victors ᨒ Summary: Your innocence was stripped the day you were reaped for the 73rd Hunger Games. The life you had known, and the joy of living well were all just forgotten aspirations. The Games were cruel and terrifying, and they changed anyone who emerged as a victor, who took the crown and returned to the living. And was all that pain, terror, and haunting memories worth it? Was it worth living a life as a monster? Perhaps, yes, it was, if a man was determined enough to show you what tenderness and love meant, that to him you had never changed. But that man was Choi San, a stylist from the Capitol, another gem adored by the masses, so, could he really love you?

A/N: And.it's.here! Hello, my lovelies, happy weekend, I hope you can unwind with this little story. ^^ It's a happy end, that I can promise (or is it haha, jk don't worry). This became so long that I thought it would never end, it really tried to kick my ass. You don't exactly have to read Mingi's part first, but I'm just letting you know it exists and it happens before whatever goes down in this story, some new dynamics are introduced through this story that you don't get to see in his :)). Let me know if I have to add anything else into the warnings and pls take them seriously, our MC is a victor and there are sequences where she's in the games, so yes, there's murder and blood and stuff, although I don't think I made them too descriptive, stay mindful still. Also! The MC is eighteen and San in his early twenties, just wanted to clear that up. I hope you enjoy and lmk what you thought, I love hearing your thoughts! I can't wait to write Yunho's part, that one is going to be a handful omg hihi divider

            Beep. Beep. Beep.

It was cold, the surface beneath sturdy and slippery almost, my body pressing heavily into it. Nothing made sense, I couldn’t open my eyes, I couldn’t call out for help, and it felt like I was endlessly falling into the void. My lips parted but apart from a pained whine nothing managed to come past, vocal cords heavy and aching from the lack of hydration, from having screamed too loud and too much. It was hard to breathe, something was pressing down against my chest, heavy and cold to the point my heart started pumping blood faster, my eyelids fighting against my brain as I tried to open them.

            Beep. Beep. Beep.

The burn in my left calf was excruciating, I tried to hold onto something, fingers flexing, trying to reach for anything to no avail. My head was thumping painfully and my nostrils stung from the sanitised air I was breathing in, mouth parting when a violent cough shook my body, forcing me to turn onto my right side. Feeling nothing underneath me all of a sudden, my eyes flew open with a loud gasp, fingers curling around the edge of the surface I was lying on. Cold, hard, metallic tables were all around me, the white lights blinding as they made my head ache more violently.

            Beep. Beep. Beep.

Another harsh cough shook my body and I started trembling as I realized just how cold I was, the gown I was wearing was thin and almost sheer, making me whip my head around to search for clues as to where I could be at the moment. I could have sworn I was in the Arena just seconds before, dirty ground shaking underneath my feet as I tumbled to my knees, an arrow slicing my calf open as my arms burned as I mustered up my last power and threw the axe ahead. There was a sickening crack, but I couldn’t see as my vision was darkening, my body begging for a good rest. Perhaps it was finally over, perhaps the suffering would be gone if I let go now.

            Beep. Beep. Beep.

But I realized I wasn’t in the Arena anymore as my right arm burned where different IV drips entered it, liquid entering my body and making me shudder as the sight of the tubes made me feel sick to my stomach. My chapped lips hurt as I tried to lick them, trying to sit up and call out for help, but my head was too dizzy and my body complained at every minuscule move as I rolled onto my back, whining again as pain surged throughout my whole body. I couldn’t breathe for a second, lungs heaving for air as another violent cough tore through my throat, making my eyes widen when I felt liquid trail down the side of my face.

            Beep. Beep. Beep.

My fingertips were red when I lowered them, my skin covered in goosebumps as my eyes fixated on the white ceiling. Was this what others called Heaven? Was I dead, or perhaps tethering on the line between life and death? This year was my last entry to the Hunger Games, I shouldn’t have been reaped, but that’s not how these games worked. I gulped, eyes filling with tears when I realized I would be the Capitol’s slave now if I survived this last trial, wired up to machines in a white place that made my body shake and call out for a name that only brought more pain than protection. San.

“The winner of the 73rd Hunger Games is the female tribute from District 4. Congratulations, Miss Kwon, your journey was long and strenuous, you may rest now.” I tried to fight it, to tell them to let me go, to let me succumb to nothingness, but the pounding in my head worsened and the lights only became brighter, all force and will leaving my body as I lay limply on top of the metallic table. A weak attempt at a cry for help left my lips as my eyes succumbed to the haze coating my mind, kidnapping any thought and free will.

I was nothing but a pawn in a greater game.

            Beep. Beep. Beep.

I was back home, in District 4. The ocean was by my feet as I blinked my eyes open, confused and disoriented as I looked out towards the never-ending water, lips trembling when I realized I was home. I inhaled shakily as I crouched down, fingers reaching out for the oncoming wave. The water was cold and soaked the ends of my white dress, my feet sunk into the wet sand now, steady but nerves shaky as I raised my wet hand to my nose and lips. I was home. The water was still as salty as ever and it smelled of home. My heart lurched as I shakily stood again, gripping my dress tightly as I stepped towards the water, wondering whether the waves would engulf my whole being and turn me into foam, returning me to where I had come from.

My eyes stung the longer I stared out towards the horizon, the sun hidden behind white clouds. The beach was eerily empty apart from myself and the seagulls, and I took a shaky breath when the bell of a fishing boat chimed out in the distance. My heart felt less heavy, less afraid of a future that promised certain death. I was home and I was free, I was myself again, I could pick up where I had left off, and I could live the life I always wished for. I could get inside my father’s fishing boat and go out onto the water with him, I could collect pearls and braid pretty bracelets and sell them at the day market, I could roam the busy streets again and I could see my loved ones, hug them and tell them how much I had missed them.

But I had learned that our lives were never predictable, no matter how much we planned and how much we thought ahead, something—or someone—always managed to stir it up, it would always find ways to disturb the mundane and change your whole perception of an ever-changing future. I didn’t hear him, the waves were loud and downed out all sounds beside my breaths, and I gasped when I felt strong arms circle around my waist, pull me back into a strong chest, cold nose buried in my neck as hot breath fanned over my skin. I froze for a second, scared and uncertain, wondering who would hold me so dearly, so lovingly, so tenderly despite the power he held in his hands. And then it clicked, his honey-like cologne mingling with the salty air of the ocean, I knew it was him. It was San.

Muscles tensing and body freezing, my eyes widened as my mind didn’t know whether it wanted to turn around and hide against him, or push him away and run as far away as possible. In the end, the longing and burning want had won the battle as I grabbed his warm arms, exposed as he wore a sleeveless tank top, and I turned in his loving hold, facing him. His tan skin seemed to come alive under the evening light of the tired sun, and his face remained void of worry or fear as a single dimple appeared on his cheek when his lips pulled to the side. His naturally sharp and small eyes became even smaller as they creased with his smile, turning into nothing but friendly and loving slits as San hugged me closer to himself.

“I have missed you,” His deep voice was nothing but a rumble in his chest, soft and careful as his expression didn’t falter, “You returned to me.”

I gulped, hands shaking as I wondered whether this was a dream, San’s presence was too strong for it to be something made up by my mind. I had never held him like this before, it would’ve been impossible to dream of a man that was never mine to begin with, “San.”

“Yes, my love—”

“San.” It seemed like I couldn’t say anything else, hands raising as I gripped the collar of his tank top tightly, yanking him down as my eyes ran over his features, looking for any tale-tell sign that he wasn’t real. But he was here, he was holding me, he was smiling at me, and his eyes held kindness as he raised his hand, cupping my cheek as his thumb swept over my bottom lip once, then twice.

“I’m here, my love, forever here.” And unable to hold back anymore, I grabbed him by the nape and pulled him down, pressing his red lips against mine, hungry to claim what should have been mine from the beginning. It felt like anything I had previously experienced, his lips were warm and they seemed to sit perfectly against mine, careful but eager to explore my own lips as if he were a starved man. I gasped as I felt San pull me against his body, tilting my head back for better access, our lips parting as we took a second to gasp into each other’s mouths. It felt freeing, it felt safe to be held like this by him, to be loved and to know you had someone waiting for you, someone you could return to no matter how much life had changed you.

“Don’t leave me, please.” I managed to whisper when our lips parted for another breather, close enough to brush together when one of us spoke. San hummed, running his fingers through my short hair, a motion that was calming and assuring that he was here with me and for me. He smiled again and nodded once, nuzzling his nose against mine as I finally felt the tension ease from my muscles, letting me enjoy my freedom. I would never have to return to the Arena or the Capitol, Snow couldn’t do anything to me now. But as if my words were heard by some deity, or President Snow itself, the sky darkened unnaturally fast, waves high as they crashed against the shore, forcing San and I to move away, closer to the rocks and the pathway that led down to the beach. My eyes furrowed as I faced the ocean, the sky menacing as lightning struck in the distance, and I turned my head to look at San when I felt him release me.

His expression was one of ease, as if nothing bothered him, as if the weather seemed normal to him. He chuckled as his eyes settled on the horizon, “There’s something soothing about a storm, don’t you think?”

Storms out on the ocean were terrifying, but I couldn’t find my words as the wind tousled his dark hair, his white clothes clinging to his sturdy body as I tried to hold the skirt of my dress down. It was cold, I could see my breath and that was unnatural too, but I couldn’t peel my eyes off San, enraptured by the vision of him in the eye of a storm. He didn’t look out of place here, by my side, in District 4. His beauty might have been over the top, but with all the makeup gone, he looked like he could belong here, with the people of the district. Cheeks warming at the thought, I opened my mouth to answer his question, but two things happened at once. Thunder cracked loudly, making me flinch as it shook the ground and made my ears ring even after it was over, and San’s eyes suddenly steeled, arm reaching out as he aggressively pushed me back.

My eyes widened in confusion as I watched his stance become defensive, small eyes turning dangerous as he sneered, the cross necklace hanging between his pecks just a show since people like him believed in no gods, they were the gods, “San?”

But when his mouth opened, lips curling into words, no sound came out, just a loud gasp and small eyes turning so wide they could’ve popped. Confused for a few more seconds, I yelped when something warm sprayed onto me, dripping down the side of my face as it covered my hair, face, and even dress, slowly dripping down. Half of an axe stuck out from the back of San’s head, lodged in perfectly to kill him not quite instantly but certainly painfully. Something gurgled left his mouth, something I couldn’t understand as his body shook, eyes becoming hazy when he fell to one knee. My body shook as I stood frozen in shock, our white clothes coated in San’s hot red blood, dripping and tainting our hands. I couldn’t do anything as I watched his limbs grow heavy, his skin turn sickly pale until nothing was left of the man, just a lifeless body which was now crumbled into the sand, seeping red everywhere around us.

I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t even see anymore as the metallic scent of blood invaded my senses, making me gag before I could stop myself, throat tight as bile rose higher and higher. No, who had done this? Who wanted to strip me of my last thread of happiness? I couldn’t lose him, not San. And before I knew it, a scream so loud it ruptured my vocal cords tore through my throat, blood pooling in my mouth until I couldn’t breathe and feel anymore. Not San too, what did they want from me? I yelped as I felt cold knuckles pressing against my hot cheeks, chest rising and falling rapidly as I tried to push at the hands, body shaking and mind reeling.

“It’s alright, hey,” The feminine voice was gentle, but I couldn’t calm down, where was I, “Y/N, it was just a bad dream, it’s alright, I’m here now.”

I didn’t understand. What was a bad dream? Where was San? Where was I? What’s happened to me? What’s happened to everyone?

“Focus on my voice,” The feminine voice spoke up again as finally the darkness was replaced with a faint golden glow, forcing my eyes to adjust to the light and my surroundings, “You’re back in the Capitol, in your room at the training centre, you’re safe. It’s me, your mentor, Joohyun.”

Joohyun, yes, I knew her. I shoot up in a sitting position, gripping her hands frantically as my mind felt scrambled, all over the place while I still couldn’t quite breathe, “Where—what happened? Why am I—San?”

My mentor just sighed and beckoned me over, pressing my head against her chest despite my reluctance, “You won the Games, Y/N, you’re the new victor of District 4. It’s going to be okay, I promise, I’ll be there for you and so will be everyone else who knows what it means to win the Games.”

“But San?” I asked in a whisper as I finally relaxed against Joohyun, letting her cradle me against her chest as if I were a baby who needed soothing.

“San is…here.” Joohyun spoke calmly but her tone was strained, “You’ll see him tomorrow, you need to rest now, Y/N.”

I hummed, mind filled with the image of San’s lifeless body lying at my feet. It made my lungs constrict and I gripped at the sheets, trying to prevent a panic attack as Joohyun sighed, gently pushing me back by the shoulders, “You should have some water first.”

I nodded and took it from her wordlessly, downing the cup of water as my throat felt parched, my eyes burning from how dry they were. Joohyun watched me wordlessly as I fiddled with the cup in my hands, breaths regulated but my mind still wasn’t present, lost in the vividity of the bad dream.

“I know you won’t be able to sleep, but you must try.” Joohyun spoke up when she realized I wouldn’t say anything to her, she looked tired, older than she was, as if the Games had worn her out too, “It might feel suffocating at times, but you’re not alone in this, so don’t be afraid to reach out. Your interview, it’s…tomorrow, I’m sorry, I couldn’t stall it, President Snow wants you up and running for the public as soon as possible. You gave everyone quite the scare when you passed out, the Capitol thought they wouldn’t have a victor to celebrate this year.”

“Maybe it would have been better like that.” I found myself muttering as I looked down at the cup in my hands. Joohyun gulped, looking towards the huge windows that had been darkened so the city lights wouldn’t bother me. I missed the ocean, I wanted to go home. With sadness ridden in her eyes, Joohyun leaned forward and took the cup from my hands, patting them gently before she stood.

“I’m glad you returned.” She said quietly, eyes avoiding mine when she looked up, “The real Games start only now, Y/N.”

I didn’t know what her answer meant, but I didn’t want to find out as my mind screamed for me to sleep, my muscles protesting when I reached out for the remote control to change the blackness of the window into one of the ocean that resembled District 4 rather accurately. Alone in a room that bore only unpleasant memories, a reminder of the life I was stripped of, I lay on my side, facing the sparkling blue water foaming at the top as the waves crashed, and I couldn’t help but hum to myself a lullaby that only the sailors of District 4 knew.

            I wasn’t ready. My heart thundered in my chest as my makeup artists fluttered around me, making sure everything was perfect, eyeshadow staying in place as my skin felt like melting off by how much product had been put on it. I stayed silent and parted my lips when Mingyu, an intimidatingly tall man, leaned down to tap a red-coated thin brush against my lips, coating them in a sickening red as I watched myself through the mirror. It reminded me of all the blood I had to spill in the Arena, of my own blood that seemed to constantly cling to my body, the smell reminding me of the monster I had become. I flinched when Hinata’s hand patted my bare shoulder encouragingly, a small tiara now placed on top of my head, nestled into the unnatural bun she and her assistant, an Avox, managed to somehow pull together despite the short length of my hair.

I felt cold despite the warm temperature of the room and my throat seemed to constrict each time I tried to respond to the people surrounding me, who were genuinely happy to have me back. I hadn’t had the chance to grow close with them as we only had a few days to prepare for the Games, but I appreciated the effort they put into making me look presentable. After all, their job mattered a lot since they had to make me look desirable to the public, for the Capitol. And still, as the white fabric clung to my body tightly, a net-like brown fabric draping down from my hips well below where the skirt of my dress ended, I was reminded of my stylist’s gentle touch anytime he had to dress me. Today he wasn’t here to help out, to soothe my nerves with quiet words and a sharp gaze that was filled with regret but also admiration. The desperate need to see San was maddening as Joohyun stormed inside the dressing room, her eyes slightly wide as she was panting. She wore an elegant white suit, matching her petite form well.

“Is she ready?” She addressed the team still fussing around me, Mingyu, now frowning as he added more blush to my cheeks, spoke up.

“Last minute touch-ups, Flickerman can wait another few minutes.”

“But I’m afraid President Snow can’t.” Joohyun’s voice dropped as Mingyu stiffened, looking over my head at Hinata, who looked just as displeased as her teammate.

“Fine, but I still need to clip the pearls—”

“I’ll do it.” The room fell silent as I stiffened in my seat, eyes widening just a little bit as the man that’s been haunting my every thought since I had met him appeared in the doorway. I gulped, watching Joohyun’s expression settle into unease as she nodded towards the door, Mingyu and Hinata stepping away from me as they understood Joohyun’s implication, “Leave us alone.”

“Don’t take too long, San.” Joohyun’s voice held a warning and I gripped the edge of the seat harshly, long fake nails sinking into the leather. Hinata offered San a smile as she handed over the pearls to him as she passed by him and it felt like all air left the room when the door closed behind San and only the two of us remained inside. I gulped, eyes boring into his through the mirror, and I couldn’t help but let the harsh words tumble past my red-stained lips.

“I hate you.” A beat of silence passed as I stood, still watching San through the mirror, taken aback by his beauty and elegance in the white suit he wore, highlighting his sharp features and tan complex. His blazer was low cut and placed everything the Capitol found desirable on display, his pants long enough to obscure his shoes, and his coat was long too as it hid his large build fairly well. My breath caught in my throat when San took a tentative step further inside the room, grip tightening around the pearls.

“I know.” And as always, his tone was soft and his face was ridden with guilt and worry, and I couldn’t hold back anymore as my mind screamed at me to move towards him, to touch him, to feel him. It was maddening how much I yearned for the stylist, for a man who was from the Capitol, for the first person who had faith in me and encouraged me to never give up, even when the odds seemed to be against my favour. I gulped, licking my lips as I came face to face with him and the need to hold him was strong enough to make me cup his cheeks, watching as his eyes fluttered closed. He exhaled loudly, jaw clenching when I stepped closer, and before he could open his eyes and I would get lost in their depth and warmth, I pressed my lips against his hungrily. I hadn’t given in previously to the want, I feared that if I did so, I would be a dead woman the second the canon went off in the Arena. And I hated myself because I was ridden with regret the whole time, thinking back on what we could’ve had in the few days that I had before the Games. And I hated myself even more for wanting to return because of him, because of San, to hold him and be held, to kiss him and be kissed, to be his if he wanted me too.

His lips felt warm, a little wet as I couldn’t control myself and sped up the kiss, our lips smacking together loudly as San finally touched me, gripping my hip harshly as he yanked my body into his. It felt unreal to be so close to him, to feel his body warmth and to smell his expensive and sweet cologne, to inhale the air he exhaled. His lips were just as eager as mine, parting in invitation and moulding perfectly against mine when I considered pulling back, remembering Joohyun’s words, but San chased after my lips like a starved man, a whine leaving his mouth when I finally caved in and let my tongue press against his tentatively. Something fell to the floor and then I felt San’s other hand hold onto my nape as his tongue lapped at mine, pushing and pulling, exploring my mouth as he held onto me like he was afraid I would disappear, and I could’ve sworn he’d consume my whole being until nothing was left of me. I didn’t want him to let go, I was afraid if he did the door would open and Peacekeepers would yank us away, and tell us that we’d be punished for our actions. But my lungs were on fire and I felt tears prick at my closed eyes and I couldn’t let Mingyu and Hinata’s work go to waste, so with a gentle hand against his exposed chest, I pushed him away, making San gasp.

I gulped, struggling to find my breath as San’s forehead came down against mine, arms moving so that I was in his embrace now. A shuddered breath left my mouth as I clung to him, fingers gripping his coat' tightly at his sides as we remained silent, basking in the other’s warmth and scent, which had become familiar by now.

“I was afraid,” San muttered lowly, gulping as if he had to pause to collect himself, “so afraid I’d lose you.”

I shuddered, the horrors of the Arena still fresh in my mind as I could still see the lifeless faces behind my eyes whenever I closed them. Hands slightly shaking, I blinked my eyes open when it felt like my lungs tried to prevent me from breathing and I looked at San’s perfect face, forever mesmerized by his beauty.

“I fought really hard to come back,” I whispered, my heart clenching when San’s eyes opened, boring into mine sharply, “I wanted to survive so desperately, I—I had to come back to you, I—what had you done to me, San? Why do I want you so badly?”

San gulped, eyebrows furrowing as his jaw clenched again, and I knew I must’ve said the wrong thing because his face became devoid of any emotion, however, his embrace only tightened as he shook his head, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—I was just trying to be supportive, I didn’t mean to make you—care for me.”

“Do you not care for me back?” My voice sounded weak, and I hated the disappointment that followed when San failed to answer me. I nodded wordlessly and untangled my tight grip from San’s coat, trying to step back, but San hadn’t released me yet from his embrace. He looked conflicted like he didn’t know what was right to say at the moment, and I preferred him not to say anything if he was so uncertain.

“I care for you, of course, I do.” His voice was a whisper as he leaned forward, lips brushing against my ear and it made goosebumps appear on my skin, “But it’s dangerous, I shouldn’t care and neither should you.”

I knew this, of course, I did, but I couldn’t help it. Not when he was the reason I stood here, alive and frightened beyond my mind about what the future had in store for me. Joohyun was right, the Games were just starting and I was defenceless in front of an enemy that could destroy me just with simple words.

“Let’s not keep President Snow waiting, hm?” San’s arms disappeared at once from around my body and I shivered, taken aback by the sudden change of temperature as he had an easy smile on his lips, dimple on his cheek. He crouched down and grabbed the fallen pearls, standing in front of me with a professional look on his face. The first time I had seen San he was at the train station, ready to welcome the tributes of District 4 with a wide friendly smile on his lips and a stance that screamed confidence. He was dressed to the nines, in burgundy satin pants and a sheer black blouse tucked in, a cropped fur coat draped around his wide shoulders. His already sharp eyes were accentuated even more by the dark purple smokey eyeshadow and his lips were a burgundy red, matching his pants and his nails, which resembled blood as they were tainted in peculiar patterns. I knew I couldn’t trust the man, he was just a flashy asshole from the Capitol, only here to doll me up and make me look desirable to the public, and probably for his own sadistic tendencies. But I was wrong, San was a soft-spoken and emotional being, eyes expressive even when his face remained blank.

He was the first one to tell me I was stronger than I looked, that he saw the shimmer in my eyes turn into fire when it came to survival. He told me he would bet on me if he could, that he knew I had it in me to become a victor. He said he wasn’t ready to let me go just yet, not when he had never met someone quite like me before. Apparently, my eyes were big and full of wonder, eager to discover more despite my predicament. And the night before the Games, when I couldn’t sleep and felt on the verge of a panic attack, he stumbled through my threshold in a drunken stupor, confessing his adoration for me and his desperate need to have me, to hold me and truly know me. I couldn’t promise him anything, but I told him I’d try to return, that I’d do my best to come back to him, then he broke down crying and as he hiccupped while I held him, I heard him mutter that he’s never seen anyone as radiant and beautiful as me before. And he doomed me from that second on, because all I wanted moving forward was for him to hold me when I returned.

The sheer fabric was sparkly as the beads were sewn into it and it sat loosely around my shoulders, chest and back, stopping just above my stomach. It felt heavy as San walked around me to clip the back together, adjusting it until it sat against the rest of my dress the way it was supposed to. San’s designs were beautiful, I had been sceptical of them at first, but when I realized he didn’t intend to make me something the Capitol would lust over but rather admire, I grew to trust him and thanked him for making me feel beautiful if even for a fleeting moment, “Hold onto me.”

And he offered me his arm as we both faced the door, my hands trembling in fear as San pushed it open, walking us towards the stage with flashing lights, the TV anchor’s voice all of a sudden booming as he spoke into his microphone. He was saying something, but I couldn’t hear it as I felt frozen, holding onto San for stability when Joohyun and the rest of the makeup team appeared next to us. Joohyun’s eyebrows were furrowed when she looked at us and she gently coaxed my fingers away from San’s coat, holding my hand instead as she guided me towards the stage, just to where the backstage wall ended. It caught Caesar Flickerman’s attention and his eyes lit up at once, a high-pitched sound escaping his throat as he faced the audience with eagerness.

“Don’t let them see.” Joohyun’s voice was harsh as she turned her head to look at me, “And remember, you are lucky to be alive, for having been offered this chance to participate in the Games, and you are proud and honoured to be standing on this stage again.”

I took a shaky breath as I nodded my head, Joohyun’s words from this morning still fresh in my mind. The Capitol wasn’t allowed to see the turmoil in my head, the struggle, the fear and the pain which hid just underneath the surface. I had to keep up a strong front, to smile and gloat about my victory as if all the lost lives meant nothing to me, as if killing all those innocent children didn’t bother me at all. My throat tightened and I tried to grip Joohyun’s hand harder, but Caesar was calling out my name and the crowd was roaring loudly, and before I could even think about running back to the dressing room, a warm hand on my lower back pushed me forward.

The lights were blinding and the cheers and claps deafening, and I froze when I felt the TV anchor’s cold fingers graze my arm, run down to my wrist and then hand as he raised it to press a swift kiss against my knuckles as a greeting. I didn’t flinch, and before all the fear could swallow me whole, I plastered a big smile onto my face, laughing gently when Caesar lowered my hand from his face but still held onto it once he noticed I was wearing really high stilettos.

“Oh, my!” He exclaimed as if he was a child who just got their present on their birthday, “You look absolutely gorgeous, Miss Kwon.”

I chuckled and looked away abashed as he led us towards the two fancy armchairs, “Thank you, but it’s mostly thanks to my makeup team and my stylist—”

“Ah, yes!” He exclaimed before I could even finish my sentence, and I was glad I could hold onto his hand for stability because my ankles threatened to give out once I faced the crowd, “Choi San! What a man he is! Everyone loves him, I bet you do too, Miss Kwon?”

There was a mischievous glint in his eyes, but harmless, and I took my seat once Caesar gesticulated towards it, “Yes, he’s really good at what he does. His creations are breathtaking.”

“Well, yes, he certainly overdid himself with this mermaid but sailor-like outfit,” Caesar took a deep breath before he faced the crowd, smiling so widely that it must’ve hurt, “Don’t you just love it?!”

And the crowd cheered, some even standing up to clap, to stick out more as I tried to continue to smile in a way that looked thankful but also abashed. Caesar was referring to my outfit, but I wished to be invisible at this exact moment. My hands shook but I hid them by interlacing my fingers and lowering them in my lap. Silence finally settled upon the room and I gulped, perhaps too loudly, because Caesar chuckled as he looked back at me amused.

“Well, look at our mermaid—can I call you that?” No, I didn’t want to be called a mermaid, I didn’t want to be associated with a mythical creature that was innocent and pure.

“You can call me whatever you wish,” My voice was warm and dripped with honey, I tried not to look surprised by myself, “I do look like a mermaid, don’t I?”

The crowd cheered again and I let my smile widen as I looked towards them, thankful for the blinding lights as I couldn’t see their faces. The people from the Capitol made me sick with their over-the-top extravaganza and the ease they could live with, I didn’t want to see them.

“Well, Miss Kwon, now that we’ve settled that you are our little mermaid,” Caesar leaned in with a worried expression, lips downturned and eyebrows furrowed, he looked genuine, “Tell us, how do you feel?”

I gulped, suddenly the silence making my skin itch as everyone waited for my answer. I smiled as I tried to look back to where I knew Joohyun stood, but then her words rang through my mind and I leaned back in the chair, trying to look casual, “Well, how am I supposed to feel? I just won the Games, Caesar, and it wasn’t easy. I’m on cloud nine, actually, I got a good night’s sleep and now I’m ready to tackle whatever the Capitol throws my way next.”

“Brilliant!” Caesar shouted, making me flinch, but I laughed as the crowd cheered once again, I could see the camera zoom in on my face, so I made sure my smile was wide and as genuine as possible, “You have a way with your words that just keeps me on my toes, you know, Miss Kwon? I bet the people love it too! Tell us, is there anything you cannot wait to do now that you’re out of the Arena?”

I took a deep breath as I faced the camera, my next words genuine, “I miss my parents and I miss the ocean, so I cannot wait to return home, actually.”

“Ah, yes,” Caesar had a compassionate look on his face as he reached out to pat my hands reassuringly, “District 4 became a richer district thanks to your contribution to their victors’, I bet they can’t wait to meet you.”

“And I cannot wait to meet them too,” I gulped, hoping I sounded genuine to those who were watching us, “I’ve always looked up to our victors, they are strong and brave and they’ve made our District shine every chance they could.”

“And now you are part of them too,” Caesar had a cheeky grin on his face as he mirrored my stance and leaned back into his armchair comfortably, “But before you return, you’ve still got a few days in the Capitol. Aren’t you just excited to meet everyone at the party?”

I was dreading that moment, but I tried to look as enthusiastic as possible as I perked up, sitting up straighter, “Yes! I’ve heard of these parties ever since I was a little girl, I cannot wait to meet everyone. And I’m also overly curious about my outfit too.”

“San will certainly overdo himself again,” Caesar was beaming as he spoke of my stylist, everyone in the Capitol was head over heels for San, “I am so excited to see what he has in store for us, do you reckon he’ll wear something pompous himself?”

I chuckled as my fingers tightened against each other, “Well, when has he not?”

The crowd and Caesar laughed and I smiled too, wanting to glance back to where I knew the team was watching me, but my body felt stiff as suddenly Caesar turned serious, licking his lips as he crossed one leg over the other, “I bet everyone would love it if we talked more about our beloved San, but this day is about you, Miss Kwon, and I have to mention your amazing kills. You have a sharp precision that’s hard to miss and even I was amazed by them, despite having seen many Games before. What’s your secret? I bet no one expected you to pick an axe as your weapon of choice since you are from District 4.”

“I—” I gulped, my body suddenly becoming cold as my mind reeled at the vivid memories flashing behind my eyes. The scent of blood, the vision of tearing flesh and the screams that haunted my nightmares, it was too much. My heart was pumping blood fast and my ears were ringing as the lights became too bright, Caesar's voice seemed distant when he called my name and I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, but then I remembered Joohyun’s words and I knew I had to keep it together, it was all for the show, “Well, first of all, thank you, Caesar. I am honoured that you think so highly of my skills, I cannot say I worked hard to gain them, but I did train as much as I could before the Games, you know? My father is a fisherman so I would often help him out with cutting up the fish, I—I just associated the axe with a butcher’s knife.”

“Fascinating.” Caesar's eyebrows were furrowed in concentration as he paid close attention to my words, and I resisted the itch to scratch at my neck, which felt on fire, “You keep on impressing me every time you speak, you’re truly full of surprises, Miss Kwon, we haven’t had a victor like you quite in a while.”

“You’re too kind.” I averted my eyes and realized they were burning from being too dry, the lights made my head thump and the corset was too tight around my torso, I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore.

“Nonsense,” Caesar chuckled and then grinned mischievously, “Before I let you go enjoy your victory, let’s rewatch my favourite kills! They are truly marvellous.”

I gasped quietly as a small screen suddenly appeared in front of us, and Caesar clapped his hands, the lights dimming as the video was played on the big screens behind us as well. My eyes fixated on myself in the video, on the frantic look in my eyes as I grabbed the axe from the Cornucopia and flung it towards the way too young child when he tried to sneak up on me. My jaw clenched and I flinched every time I watched the axe I was gripping tightly make contact with human flesh, drowning out the gasps and cheers of the crowd as well as Caesar's elated yelps whenever I took out someone again. It felt like my own personal hell to watch myself kill someone, to watch the lifeless look in my eyes, the elated expression on my face whenever the canon went off. I was covered in blood, it was matted to my hair, and it had ruined my clothes too, but I failed to notice it as I roamed around aimlessly, eyes cold and crazed as I searched for my next victim. I looked desperate, I had felt desperate, and it made tears gather in my eyes when the footage shifted to my last kill, the one of which I barely had any recollection of, but my body reacted so viscerally that I feared I would empty my stomach’s contents right in front of everyone.

I continued looking at the screen but I wasn’t seeing anything anymore, my brain had given up on my surroundings, on what was happening to me and around me. I was there, merely a shell of who I used to be, and I didn’t want to see even one more second of the monster that slayed everyone without remorse on her face. At last, Caesar finally clapped his hands and the lights were strong again and he was squealing and yelping, but I couldn’t hear anything. I felt hands grip my arm and help me stand, then it was raised in the air and everyone cheered again, people standing up as they clapped loudly for me. Caesar's shrill voice called my name again and announced me as this year's victor, and when it was time for me to finally get off the stage, I turned emotionlessly and gave a last wave to the camera as I tried not to tumble while I walked to where I knew Joohyun stood at.

“And thus, I had been Caesar Flickerman, thank you for your attention and see you really soon, don’t forget to tune in for the Hunger Games’ lotto that I’ll be hosting in just a few hours!” And then my legs finally gave out as a sob tore through my throat, knees shaking as I fell to the cold ground, making everyone gasp as Joohyun sprung towards me, hissing at the staff to bring me a blanket and for the lights to be turned off so that nobody would see us. She called my name but I couldn’t hear her, the dress was suffocating and my face felt heavy with all the makeup on it, I needed to be somewhere far away from here. I gripped the beautiful pearl top and gave it one tug, making it fall apart and spread all over the floor as Hinata and Mingyu gasped, crowding around me. My hands were trying to undo the corset before anyone could react, and then I felt a warm presence behind me grip my arms painfully, shaking me to the point I had to look up in a daze.

San’s face was coated in worry as I exhaled ragged, only now realizing that I was hyperventilating, “Don’t make me wear white—I don’t—San, I don’t want to wear white ever again, please.”

He kneeled in front of me, and with a sharp nod of his head Mingyu and Hinata were gone, only Joohyun remaining close by with the blanket in her hands, eyebrows furrowed and gaze sharp as she watched San collect me in his arms, “I know, my love, no more white. I promise. “

I couldn’t bear to see something so innocent and pure get tainted by blood again.

            Being at the Victor’s Party was possibly as bad as being forced inside the Arena. It was filled to the brim with pompous Capitol people who drank until they couldn’t stand on their feet anymore, eating until they had to throw up just to eat some more. Their voices were loud and they were constantly laughing, clinking their glasses together and asking me to exchange quick words with them, which would turn into an excruciatingly long conversation that made my skin itch and my disgust show as I struggled to control my facial expressions. I wanted to go home, I couldn’t stay any longer in this wretched place, and I could’ve cried in happiness when I noticed Finnick Odair, District 4’s youngest victor, approach me with a charming smile. He was, surprisingly, covered from head to toe, his dark blue suit tailored to his body, enhancing his sun-kissed complex, his blue eyes and dirty blonde hair. He looked handsome and he knew it as he carried himself with a confident aura, eyes twinkling with mischief and lips always pulled to the side into a smirk or an amused grin. I had never spoken to him before, but he was a very popular victor and so I knew him from seeing him from time to time on the TV or at the market back in District 4.

“My, my, my,” Finnick’s tone was amused as he came to a stop next to me, towering over me, much like San, “you’re hounding our victor and you aren’t even ashamed of it.”

As if Finnick had just said the joke of the year, the five people surrounding us broke out in loud laughter, throwing their heads back as Finnick threw me a sneaky glance. It wasn’t hard to miss the irritation he managed to mask well in that split second and I felt myself relax for being seen, for being understood by such an important person. I would’ve never guessed Finnick hated the Capitol just as much as any other person from the districts, but it was reassuring to know he wasn’t so different from us after all.

“If only they were just hounding me,” I muttered bitterly as the other five were still busy giggling behind their champagne glasses, my eyes fell on Finnick, “and not asking me to bed them as well.”

Finnick’s jaw ticked but he didn’t react to my comment as his smile became wider when the lady standing next to him touched his arm, Finnick gave her a flirtatious look. Her eyelashes were unnaturally long and she reeked of alcohol, her lips pink and way too plump, but Finnick didn’t flinch away, instead he reciprocated her flirty look, “I hadn’t seen you in a while, Odair.”

“Such a shame, isn’t it?” He said with sadness in his tone, and I watched him curiously as the lady rubbed his bicep for a second too long.

“Are you free tonight?” Finnick’s smile stayed in place as he pretended to think, then leaned closer to the lady and lowered his voice.

“I might be,” The lady’s cheeks flushed instantly as she averted her eyes, “Have you missed me a lot?”

“Yes, so much.” She bit her lower lip provocatively and I averted my eyes as I felt bile rise in my throat. My empty glass was suddenly snatched from my hands and replaced with another one filled to the brim with champagne, and I tried to hide my nausea at the thought of having to drink another sip of that bitter liquid.

“Maybe we’ll meet again, then,” Finnick concluded before his attention was on the men around us, greeting them with handshakes and letting them touch his cheek, making me give them a weird look. They were eager to ask questions from Finnick, but he politely turned them down and instead sneaked his arm around my bare shoulders, pulling me into his side with a cheeky grin.

“I’m sure you’d all understand if I stole Miss Kwon away, right?” His eyebrows furrowed in hesitance, and I was amazed by his acting skills, “We never got the chance to speak properly, I’d like to show her around as her elder from the District.”

“Yes, go ahead!” The people exclaimed and even pushed us away, not before one man grabbed my hands and pressed a disgustingly wet kiss against my knuckles, his teeth yellow despite his fancy way of living, his eyes filled with lust as they raked over my body. I pretended I didn’t see as I gripped Finnick’s arm and allowed him to lead us away, somewhere quieter, he took my glass of champagne away too and threw it in the trashcan, surprising me.

“Never drink anything they hand you,” His voice was low so that no one would hear, his perfectly charming smile still on his lips. I tried my best to look just like him, at ease with a flirty smile on my lips, “You can drink what you take from a tray or table, but never what they hand you, understood?”

“Yes, thank you,” I said with a grateful smile as I turned my head to face him, wanting to ask so much more, but I knew now wasn’t the time or place. We’d have plenty of time back in District 4, “And thank you for saving me, I didn’t know what excuse to come up with to get away from them finally.”

“Never say you’re going to the bathroom either,” Finnick smiled widely at someone who waved at him from the crowd as we came to a standstill next to a white pillar, “They find it as an invitation to go somewhere secluded with you, and you don’t want that.”

“I really don’t,” I sighed frustrated as my scalp itched from how tight the braids Hinata had done were, “Thank you, Finnick, really.”

He finally looked at me with a knowing look on his face, his charming smile finally dropping as his eyes hardened. He looked tired and fed-up, but his voice remained soft and careful, “I’ll protect you as much as I can, just as Joohyun has been doing, but even we are powerless at times, I’m sorry. Another friendly advice, however, is if you want to ditch someone here, just say you saw someone you know and take off before they can speak up. They won’t follow you, they are too lazy to do that.”

“Do you enjoy these parties?” The question bubbled past my lips before I could stop myself and I averted my eyes when Finnick’s filled with amusement, a dimple forming on his cheek when he smiled genuinely for the first time. He reminded me of San, Finnick’s smile was beautiful too but never to San’s extent. San was here too somewhere, swept up in the crowd, with the people he belonged to. His outfit was revealing, all black and fitting his body like a second skin. I felt like I couldn’t look at him when we met, feeling like I was sinning just by letting him lace up my dress. He had listened to my request, my dress was a dark blue, much like Finnick’s suit, and the fabric bunched under my knees into ruffles, fading into ivory to resemble the foam of the ocean. It was beautiful, San had said this style was called ‘mermaid’ as he wished to play into the crowd's likes. Apparently, President Snow had also told him to make me wear a dress that fit the nickname Flickerman had given me, and I was nervous when I found out about this. Joohyun’s face was stern and her eyes a silent warning when we arrived at the scene, one nod of her head was enough to tell me to watch myself and not to cause a scene.

I was doing fine so far, it got hard at times and all I wished for was to hide and go to bed, but I was doing better than I thought I would. I managed not to hyperventilate nor sob when a couple approached me and asked me to reenact one of the kills I had done in the Arena, apparently, it was their son’s favourite from this season. Schooling my expressions was the hardest, I managed not to throw up once they finished talking, but I couldn’t help but glower at them with disgust, managing to scare them off when I showed them just exactly what they wanted to see. Apparently, it wasn’t so entertaining to watch someone kill another when they were standing right in front of you, gripping a knife with a twisted look on their face. The hypocrisy these people lived with flew past my mind as I was unable to understand or relate to them.

“I loathe these parties, Y/N, everything you see on TV,” Finnick paused for a dramatic effect as he leaned towards me, eyes wide, “if fake. You’ll learn with time how to manage everything, but it’ll never get easy.”

“I should’ve died in that Arena,” I whispered under my breath, watching pity reflect on Finnick’s face as he released a long sigh.

“Maybe we all should’ve, but think about your family.” I felt a hand grip my shoulder, so I looked up at Finnick, “They are happy and glad to have you back, so even if we should be dead, knowing you’ll be able to see them again should bring a little joy while you’re cooped up in the Capitol.”

“I am happy, as much as I can be at the moment.” I said with conviction, “But I’m a monster now, and I don’t think they are ready to face me yet. I’m not—I don’t feel like I’m the same person anymore.”

“Because you’re not.” Finnick’s tone was hard but harmless at the same time. His eyes were void of any emotion, he seemed absent from the conversation as his hand fell from my shoulder, “You’ll never be the person you were before you stepped foot into the Arena, and you’ll have to learn to accept it. We might be monsters, but don’t forget the biggest one out of all of us.”

I gulped, not missing the implication of Finnick’s words. President Coriolanus Snow. He was the biggest monster, our biggest enemy, a tyrant who only took and took from the Districts without giving anything back, who tried to make the Capitol flourish despite the blood on their hands. It was unfair, but who was I to make a change? I was too insignificant to start a spark for which the people from the districts were desperately waiting.

“Hello,” Both Finnick and I tensed as a deep voice spoke up behind us, a little bit hesitant, “Sorry to bother you, President Snow asked me to fetch the new victor…”

Finnick and I turned our heads, coming face to face with a man who was taller than even Finnick. He towered over the both of us, skin ashen and cheeks hollow as his small and sharp eyes were obscured by his black hair falling over his forehead. His shoulders were hunched forward and the skin of his neck was red where the collar of his white shirt ended. I knew him, I saw him on the TV last year. He killed his own district’s female tribute to win.

“Ah, Mingi!” Finnick, springing forward and hugging the man as he ignored the other victor’s clear discomfort, was beaming all of a sudden, “I had been wondering all night long where you were hiding now.”

I watched the two as Mingi looked down at his shoes, not attempting to step out of Finnick’s side hug, “The bathroom was cramped so I found a nice balcony—until Snow found me, of course.”

“Oh, no,” Finnick whispered, lips pulled into a tight line, “did he say anything?”

“Nothing bad, surprisingly.” Mingi shrugged and looked relieved when Finnick finally released him, “Just inquired about my well-being and—her.”

“I see.” Finnick’s voice was compassionate and my eyebrows furrowed as I didn’t quite understand what they were talking about, but I realised it wasn’t my place to pry. Eyes falling on me, I tried to smile at the tall man but he looked like he wanted to die, and it made me anxious as I didn’t know how to approach him, “Well, I’ll leave you two be. See you around, yes?”

“Yes,” Mingi muttered as Finnick nodded at me before he slipped away, leaving the other man and me in an uncomfortable silence.

“I’m Kwon Y/N, pleased to meet you.” I offered a hand for the man to shake and he reluctantly did, his handshake surprisingly firm despite his tame behaviour.

“I’m Song Mingi, you—you did well, I’m sorry.” His words were confusing but they made complete sense somehow, and I felt tears prick at my eyes all of a sudden. But I couldn’t let them fall, not right as I was about to meet President Snow, and Mingyu worked for two hours on my makeup.

“Thank you,” My voice was hoarse and Mingi looked at my face for the first time, surprised, “I did my best even though I wish I hadn’t.”

Understanding passed over Mingi’s features as he nodded once, then pointed reluctantly towards the stairs I failed to notice when Finnick and I had stopped next to the pillar, “You shouldn’t keep President Snow waiting.”

I nodded and followed after Mingi as his long legs took hurried steps, making me have to run to catch up with him on the stairs, but I remained silent as I realized he wasn’t much of a talker. He looked like he didn’t want to hide the turmoil going on inside his mind, and I admired him for it as he wasn’t afraid of what the people would think. I wanted to do the same, but Joohyun instructed me against it, telling me that if the Capitol didn’t find me desirable, I’d be thrown to the side, and that never meant good. I wondered whether Mingi had been thrown to the side too, but seeing him here made me realize I had heard people whisper about him while I was forced to mingle with them.

“Is he—do you think he’ll punish me?” I found myself asking as Mingi led us down a long corridor with plenty of doors on both sides.

“Did you do anything bad?” He asked as he glanced over his shoulder. I bit my lip and shrugged.

“I don’t think so.”

“Then no, he won’t.” Mingi’s answer was curt and it felt like he wanted to say more, but he abruptly stopped in front of a door and sighed heavily, “This is President Snow’s office, I’ll wait for you here.”

“You don’t have to—”

“I know.” For the first time, Mingi looked in my eyes with concern coating his features, and I gulped as I stepped forward and knocked on the sturdy wooden door. If Mingi didn’t want to leave me, I wouldn’t ask him to, too scared that I wouldn’t leave Snow’s office ever again. At least one person knew where I was if anything were to happen to me. The door opened before I could push it open and my muscles tensed as I took a deep breath and pushed it further open, stepping inside. It was cool inside the office and my mind blanched at the avid stench of blood in the air, I tried to keep my composure and my heart from racing. My skin itched when President Snow’s lips pulled into an amused grin, beckoning me further inside with his hand. The door closed behind me and I jumped, glancing back and wishing Mingi would’ve entered with me.

“Miss Kwon,” President Snow smiled, flattening his hands on the surface of his table. The colour matched the door’s, “Congratulations on becoming a victor, you’ve certainly done your utmost best. You’ve impressed quite a few people here.”

“Thank you, President Snow.” I bowed my head respectfully, glad that my voice didn’t waver like every particle of my body did. I pushed my hands behind my back to hide their tremor and looked into President Snow’s dark eyes.

“How do you find the Capitol, little mermaid?” I hated that nickname and it was probably easy to tell as President Snow chuckled, leaning back in his chair nonchalantly. His office was huge, bookshelves lined the walls to my left and right and the lights were dim despite it being dark outside. A vase of white roses sat in the corner on top of Snow’s desk, and I didn’t miss the one tucked in his suit’s pocket.

“It’s—different.” I gulped, trying to sound nonchalant, “It’s big and beautiful, full of life, I suppose.”

“But you miss District 4, yes?” Snow quirked an eyebrow, expression turning serious. I nodded wordlessly and he hummed, looking sideways and out the window. The partygoers were visible from here and as I followed his line of sight my eyes widened slightly when I spotted San, who was leaning into a velvet cushion as hands roamed his chest, a silver cross dangling between his pecks. Everyone seemed to be taken with him as he laughed and drank champagne, smirking with a flirtatious look on his sharp features at both men and women alike, “And you wish to still return home, don’t you?”

I gulped and tore my eyes away from the sight, freezing with President Snow’s eyes fixated on me with a curious glint in them, “Yes, I would really like to return home. I miss the ocean and my parents.”

“And you won’t miss anything from the Capitol?”

What was I supposed to say? Was this a trap? I gulped and cleared my throat, scavenging my brain for an answer.

“Maybe—the pretty dresses?” President Snow’s head fell back as he started laughing, eyes holding an amused twinkle when he looked back at me.

“And not the one that makes those dresses?” I felt my blood run cold as President Snow had a knowing smile on his lips as he leaned forward in his chair, arms coming to rest on his table.

“I—I’ll miss Hinata and Mingyu, and San—San too, of course.” I hated how vulnerable I sounded, my voice weak and shaky, “They were my team and they—they made me pretty, so I—”

“Miss Kwon,” President Snow’s tone was tired and low as he interrupted my pitiful stammering, “People like Mr. Choi and you don’t belong together. He was born here and you were not, if you can bear heartbreak then I have nothing else to say, but look at him. Don’t you think you’ll never be enough for him? That he’ll always see you as a dirty little thing from a fishing district that reeks of seafood?”

I gulped, throat constricting as tears sprung to my eyes. I couldn’t turn my head, I couldn’t look at San again. President Snow was right, I had always known this, I had never even thought further about whatever could be between us. I knew this, but hearing the words said out loud only made it sting more, “Get yourself together, Miss Kwon. You’re a smart girl and if you know what’s best for you, forget about Mr. Choi now. You know it’ll never happen, and if you don’t want to believe it, then let me tell you this. I’ll never allow it, Miss Kwon, you can’t have Mr. Choi, he’s mine and the Capitol’s.”

I exhaled forcefully and bit my tongue as I looked up, blinking away the tears rapidly as my jaw clenched, “You can’t own a person, President Snow.”

“Can’t I?” He snickered as he leaned back in his chair once again, “Speak to Finnick Odair again, perhaps, ask more questions this time. I’m sure he has lots of tales about me and the Capitol. Or perhaps you could tell Mr. Song that the fence he likes to climb could be re-electrified any second—”

“Why are you threatening others when this is about me?!” My voice raised as my eyebrows furrowed and President Snow smiled, tapping his cheek as he grabbed a handkerchief out of his pocket.

“Because it’s not just about you, Miss Kwon, it’s about everything I own.” A cough ripped through President Snow’s chest, and I watched with furrowed eyebrows as he pressed the white handkerchief against his mouth. Was it possible for him to catch a cold? He was still human, after all, “And you, victors, are my propriety. I can do whatever to you, whenever I want to. And you are not to see Mr. Choi after tonight ever again, do you understand me?”

My body went rigid and I gulped, the voices in my head screaming at me to grab a pencil and stab him through the neck, to end the man’s life who has caused so much anguish to all of us. My heart pumped fast and my hands shook as anger seemed to flame underneath my skin and I gulped, trying to clear the red fog inside my brain, the insatiable thirst to get rid of the person that was such a threat to not just me, but everyone. But it also scared me how violently I would react now, how my first thought at a little inconvenience was to kill—this wasn’t me. The me before the Games would’ve never resorted to murder, and it scared me to the point I felt my breaths turn uneven as President Snow’s eyes continued to bore into mine curiously, a wondering expression crossing his features. My throat was tight as I opened my lips to speak, and I clenched my hands into fists as I raised my head higher and looked into the man’s eyes, “I understand.”

And whatever he seemed on my face must’ve been satisfying enough because with a flick of his wrist, he dismissed me, and I turned without any respect or pleasantries as I stormed towards the door and ripped it open, letting it slam behind me. I stepped into the corridor, male voices fading into silence as my chest raised and fell rapidly, my hands shaking as I stared ahead and out the big windows, eyes fixated on San as he leaned towards a red-head and whispered in her ear, making her giggle and lean into him, a hand placed high on his thigh.

“Y/N?” An unfamiliar voice snapped me out of my thoughts as I sharply turned my head, eyes falling on the man standing next to Mingi. He was taller, just barely, and his features were soft and cautious as he tried to offer me a smile, “Uh, sorry, I’m Jeong Yunho, Mingi said he’d wait for you so I did too.”

Mingi remained silent as he looked between us and I took a deep breath to try and calm my nerves, to forget everything President Snow had just said, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to storm out like that, I—the conversation was rather unpleasant.”

“Yes, it usually is with him.” Yunho said with a chuckle and grabbed Mingi’s arm as he nodded towards the end of the corridor, “But I don’t think we should discuss that here out of all places.”

That managed to bring a small smile to my lips and I nodded in agreement as I turned to head down the corridor. The two men caught up with me and walked next to me with Yunho in the middle.

“The whole place is full of cameras, Yunho, it doesn’t matter where we talk about it,” Mingi grumbled and Yunho shrugged, glancing at me.

“Well, yes, but I think Snow finds it more exciting if we talk about him ‘behind his back’, you know?” His tone was amused and I felt my tense muscles ease a little as we started descending the stairs. Something about Yunho was calming, he had an air about him which made you feel at ease. I was glad he was here even though I had no idea who he was minutes ago. His Games weren’t as popular as the other ones so people tended to gloss over him, even though now I could recall them.

“Thank you for waiting for me, you didn’t have to,” I spoke up as we arrived at the bottom of the stairs and the two tall men faced me with smiles on their faces. Mingi’s was miniscule but it was there as Yunho just shrugged and threw an arm around the other one, and I watched with surprise as Mingi didn’t flinch nor look uncomfortable with the touch. They seemed to be familiar with each other.

“Sure, it was no biggie.” The way Yunho spoke wasn’t familiar, but I welcomed it as his whole persona felt safe and friendly, “If you want a good hiding spot, you’ll find Mingi and me behind the sweets table.”

Mingi rolled his eyes but didn’t interject and only nodded, eyes lowering, “Yunho has a sweet tooth, but it’s a surprisingly good hiding spot. Everyone is too busy looking at all the delicacies to notice us.”

I chuckled and nodded, grateful for their friendliness and offer of a good hiding spot, I happened to also have a sweet tooth, “Thank you, I might as well just go now and—”

“Excuse me,” A voice I knew too well spoke up from behind me and I stiffened, eyes averting when Mingi and Yunho shared a look, “Do you mind if I steal Miss Kwon for a dance?”

“Not at all!” Yunho said beaming and patted Mingi’s back before they both bowed their heads and hurried away, Yunho whispering to Mingi furiously as Mingi just shook his head. I let my eyes follow the two until I couldn’t see them anymore, Snow’s words echoing in my mind when I felt a gentle hand wrap around my bicep. I flinched and then hated the look of hurt and confusion on San’s face as he turned me around to face him, lowering his head as I avoided looking into his eyes.

“Talk to me, Y/N, what happened?” He whispered softly and my jaw clenched, skin burning where he touched me. I yearned to hold him, to step closer and close the gap between our bodies, but Snow was watching. Everyone was watching.

“Nothing.” I lied and finally looked into San’s sharp eyes which were filled with worry. His hand slowly slipped from my bicep, tracing my skin, and I shivered as he found my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. I refrained from pulling away, Joohyun’s warning echoing in my head, I couldn’t cause a scene. Not here and not right now.

“Will you dance with me?”

“Yes.”

When I was with San it felt like the world disappeared around us, like nobody but him and I existed. It was a peaceful feeling, but also frightening. I could lose myself in his eyes and then I would lose track of everything around myself. It was daunting, but also a feeling which filled me with hope and warmth, making my heart beat faster. I couldn’t focus on the crowd as San walked us towards the orchestra, couples dancing all around as they laughed and conversed, paying little attention to San’s and my presence. My skin flared when San smiled softly and gently held my waist, guiding me closer to his broad body, his features relaxed despite my own tense muscles. Even though I couldn’t peel my eyes off him, I was rather aware of all the people that surrounded us, of the whispers and pointed fingers towards us. I suppose dancing with your stylist wasn’t a foreign thing to do, but said stylist was Choi San, of course, the whole world watched on curiously, making assumptions and pointing fingers.

“Focus on me, my love.” San’s voice was barely a whisper, mindful of all the eager ears surrounding us as a couple came rather close. I couldn’t nod but I offered him my hand as I placed my other one on his shoulder, his sheer shirt’s fabric rough against my skin. He held me firmly as a soft smile appeared on his lips, feet taking off as he led the dance, whirling me around with an ease that surprised even me. People made way for us as I stared up into San’s eyes, my heart thumping so fast it felt like I was on the verge of fainting. But I knew I wasn’t, I was aware that I felt like this because of San, because he was here, looking at me deeply with a gentle smile on his lips, ignoring everyone else around us, holding me close as if he was afraid I’d disappear if he didn’t. His cologne was sweet and had become a familiar scent by now, I couldn’t help but lower my head until I was able to inhale it, muscles finally softening as the ringing of my ears finally ceased too and I could focus on the tune of the classical music.

“Where had you gone to? I couldn’t find you.” San’s deep voice carried a hint of worry, and I took a quick look around before looking back up into his eyes.

“President Snow requested to see me,” I answered, bile rising in my throat as suddenly I felt like a jester, here to parade myself around with someone whom I didn’t belong with. President Snow was right. It was clear as day that San and I had nothing in common, that San could never love a person like me. His skin was soft and free of blemish, he smelled sweet like honey and vanilla, and his clothes were of the finest quality. I, on the other hand, had unruly hair and skin that was neither soft nor scar-free, and my clothes looked like they had seen better days. But tonight, due to San’s immense talent, I felt like a princess, like someone worthy to stand in front of him even if it wasn’t real. I failed to notice the quick flash of fear on San’s face as I was lost in my thoughts, but then a squeeze to my waist and a chuckled apology as we almost collided into a couple brought me back to the present.

“Did he say something that felt threatening?” San asked with an amused chuckle, eyebrows slightly furrowed. There was nothing funny about what he had just asked and I knew he realized that when my jaw clenched, and I turned my head away to gaze at the couples around us. Unfortunately, President Snow was out on his balcony, watching the party closely, and our eyes met. The breath caught in my throat and I averted my eyes quickly, looking back at San as I felt myself press harder against him. It was irrational how quickly fear spread through my body, the desperation to keep San close at all costs back, and my fingers fisted his shirt as my eyes shook.

“He—he—San—” And San’s expression fell when he realized his words were true, and his face lowered as he looked at me with panic written all over his features, “He knows, San, President Snow knows that we—he knows.”

I couldn’t say it, my hands shook and my throat felt tight as I tried to take deep breaths. It felt like everyone was watching us, like everyone had a vicious grin on their lips and had their fingers pointed at us, taunting us with words that never left their mouths but my brain didn’t fail to conjure them up still. San made a sudden move and whirled us around so my back was facing President Snow, then, almost with a scowl on his face, he raised his head and stared up. My irrational fear only grew as I whispered his name, afraid of what he’d do next, knowing that President Snow would do something bad to perhaps the both of us. But San just grinned, wide from ear to ear, and then nodded his head in Snow’s direction, almost tauntingly.

“I know that he knows,” His tone was harsh as he looked back down at me and stopped moving, his hand creeping lower until it pressed against my lower back harshly, “And I don’t give a fuck, because if he as much as touches me, the Capitol will turn against him.”

“What about me?” I whispered, aware of how beloved San was by everyone here. But I wasn’t, despite being a victor, I’ll always be just a girl from District 4 from a fisher family.

“If anyone damages anything precious to me, I’ll destroy them.” San’s jaw was set tight as he lowered his head, and for a second, I was afraid he’d kiss me. But his hand slipped from mine and instead, he curled a stray strand around his finger before he pushed it behind my ear, fingers brushing against my jaw as he smiled at me softly, “I’ll keep you safe.”

“Nobody is safe from him, San,” I whispered as San’s face fell, eyes darkening as he averted them and started moving again, albeit paying less attention to those around us. And I couldn’t help but glance back and find President Snow’s eyes narrowed at us before he cocked an eyebrow, making my heart race against my chest as I gulped and faced ahead again, eyes meeting Joohyun’s. She looked displeased as she subtly shook her head at me, and then her cold eyes fell on Yunho as he offered to dance with her, she didn’t turn him down.

We were all just Snow’s pawns, figures on his chessboard he played with when he got too bored of those in his vicinity.

            The bare trees seemed endless as I weaved through between them, frostbite chilling my bones as my thick jacket was undone and the zipper of my sweater was unzipped too, making my chest ache from both the cold and exhaustion. My hiding spot had been discovered when I foolishly fell asleep last night by the small fire I managed to conjure, teeth chattering and fingertips numb to the point I had tears streaking down my face, wondering whether I’d survive another night in the Arena. If the other tributes didn’t get me, then the relenting cold certainly would. And now, in the early hours of the morning with dawn upon the fake horizon, all I could do was flee and pray for a miracle as my pursuers howled and continued taunting me as they sprinted after me, gaining on me each minute.

The axe was heavy in my hand as my feet tangled in the dry weed of the forest floor and I yelped as I slipped and nearly tumbled to the ground, straight into my axe. My heart was thundering in my chest as I gasped for air, whimpering when I realized my mistake as I frantically looked for a hiding spot. Anything would’ve been good at this point, a cave, a fallen lodge big enough to hide my body, or even a tree that I could climb. Being from District 4, where it was always warm and the only thing I had to climb were the ropes of a ship to reach the mizenmast, I was at a great disadvantage compared to the districts that came from familiar scenery. The cold seemed to be the most unbearable thing out of everything, covering my body in constant goosebumps as I yearned for the warmth of the sun and the breeze of the ocean. Each day that passed, however long or short due to the Gamemakers' choices, felt like I was living in hell, feeling like it would never end.

I didn’t consider myself a religious person, but I found myself praying for something, asking for salvation, if there was anyone out there listening to me. And it felt wrong, especially when I had to fight for my life, to think of the one man that’s been plaguing my thoughts ever since I had met him, but if there was a god, I knew it would be him. My eyes fell on a tree large enough to offer shelter and I quickly hid behind its trunk as my chasers gained on me, their mocking louder and louder. My chest was rising and falling rapidly, my hands shook uncontrollably, and my face felt frozen despite the adrenaline that kept my blood fizzling, my cheeks burning from both the biting chill and the fear that coursed through my veins. With numb fingers, I managed to zip my sweater together and felt instant relief even at the little warmth it offered for my exposed chest, but then the voices got louder and I froze, pressing my free hand against my mouth to try and be as quiet as possible as I was on the verge of hyperventilating.

“Where are you, little fish?” The male voice was amused as it taunted, soft in a way that made me sick to my stomach. I bit my bottom lip to bite back the whimper that threatened to leave it, terrified now that the three career tributes had closed in on me. They were right there, somewhere behind the tree I hid by, “Come on out now, don’t make us look for you.”

“Yes, fishy, we just want to talk.” Despite the warm timbre of the female tribute, my muscles cramped up and my mind screamed at me to take off running again. But they were too close and one of them had throwing knives, I couldn’t outrun three people, not when they had a male with them who was twice my size.

“You are a career tribute too,” The third voice, harsh and impatient, spat out, “so why are you running? We’ve been in the Games for four days now and we’ve been looking for you, but you keep running!”

I gulped, trying to take deep breaths as quietly as possible as my grip tightened around the handle of my axe. They had stopped moving too and were no doubt trying to spot me, and suddenly I was thankful for having a smaller build despite being someone who worked on a ship on the daily. My parents had always wanted a boy who could help out my father and take on the family legacy, and instead, they had a small girl who cried too much and whose skin bruised too easily. But I didn’t want to disappoint them, so I steeled my nerves and went out on the ocean with my father, learning everything I had in order to become a good fisherman. It was hard, and sometimes too demanding for someone who lacked muscle and sheer force, but it taught me that nothing was impossible as long as you had your mind set to it. And when I had been reaped as a tribute for the 73rd Hunger Games, all I could think about was the ocean and how I wasn’t ready to die just yet, not when I hadn’t even fallen in love yet. I had too much to lose yet nothing at all, and when the stylist assigned for my district looked at me with sharp eyes but a simple smile and told me that I could do it, that I could come back to him, that he trusted me and believed in me, some sick and twisted part of me clung to his words like they were my own personal prayer, as if it would save me from my fate, from doom, and the Arena that would kill twenty-three innocent lives.

“We want you on our team, little fish, your score wasn’t impressive but I saw you kill that little boy at the Cornucopia, we know you’re strong.” The male tribute spoke up again, making me inhale as I contemplated my next move, knowing that I just signed myself up for my death.

With a sharp exhale I knew they have heard me, I disclosed my hiding spot willingly, “Fuck you.”

And the next thing I knew was a throwing knife lodged into the bark of the tree, close to my ear as my eyes widened, but the simmering rage was back underneath my skin, making my blood boil as it overshadowed my terror. I wanted to live, I didn’t want to die. I wanted to go home, I wanted to hug my mother and help my father again, I wanted to swim in the ocean and I wanted—I wanted to see San again, I wanted to return to him. I wasted no more seconds as I gripped the handle of the throwing knife again and yanked it out of the tree, twisting around the trunk and sending it hurling mindlessly. I didn’t wait for another reaction as I took off again, thighs burning from exertion and knees aching as the soles of my feet hit the ground with force, propelling me forward more and more. I wouldn’t stop, I wouldn’t look back. More howls and screams followed after me, instructions barked out as the three tributes chased after me, but I wouldn’t stop, I wouldn’t look back. There was a bridge that looked too old not far from here, my only hope lay in that bridge, that it would collapse under their weights if I managed to outrun them and not fall to my death with them.

But at the next turn, a sharp pain shot up from my left calf and I yelped, losing my footing as I tumbled to the ground, twisting and rolling until I hit the side of a boulder. White mist left my mouth as I breathed through it, my axe had fallen somewhere next to me as pain spread through my spine, my left calf pulsing. I dared take a glance at it and sucked in a harsh breath when I realized a throwing knife was lodged deeply into it. I was bleeding, it made my hands shake as I grabbed the handle and bit down on my bottom lip, yanking it out at once before I could chicken out. My pursuers were suddenly around me, surrounding me with wicked grins on their faces and I grit my teeth, looking them dead in the eyes as my fingers tightened around the handle of the throwing knife that didn’t belong to me.

“Sweet girl, what are you going to do now?” The female with a harsh tone, a tribute from District 2, sneered and took a taunting step toward me, “Didn’t they tell you fishes out of water die?”

I scoffed, unamused and pained as my left side ached where I had hit the boulder, but I lifted my chin and surveyed her face, looking for a flicker of regret, but when I found none, I made up my mind for good this time. Fishing gave you a certain precision, you had to know when to throw the net in the water, when to yank it up, where to cut and how to clean the fish of its scales, it was all about timing and making it quick. So, without wasting any more minutes, I rose to my knees as I flung the throwing knife towards the tribute from District 2 and watched as she blinked at me with confusion written all over her face, eyes slowly looking up to her forehead as the knife was lodged perfectly in the middle of it, a scream dying on her lips as she fell forward with a hollow look on her face. Nobody moved and nobody said anything as my chest fell and raised quickly, my pants loud as the male tribute watched with an open mouth, the whisper of her name leaving his lips as the other female screamed out in rage, her eyes furious as she pounced on me without a second of hesitation.

I groaned as my head hit the ground when she pushed me down, and despite having all those weapons on her, her hands curled around my neck in a deathly grip, making my eyes widen as my fingers curled around her wrists, trying to pry them off. The male tribute was saying something behind us, but I couldn’t focus on him as I realized just how quickly the air was leaving my lungs, my body thrashing around as I tried to force the female off me. It wasn’t working and my throat felt like it would be snapped in two as I tried to gasp for air, eyes bulging as the female tribute looked at me with spite, saliva coating her lips as her face was red from the brute force she was using. I couldn’t die, no, I hadn’t gotten this far just to die at the hands of a career tribute. I was desperate too to survive, just like them, but I didn’t taunt those I killed, I didn’t chase them around and mocked them before I finally put them out of their misery. They didn’t deserve kindness or mercy, and I wasn’t going to give it to them.

One hand abandoning the girl’s wrist, my fingers twisted into the hair that was on the side of her head and despite the black spots covering my vision, I mustered up all my power to push her head to the side, crashing it against the boulder. She gasped loudly and her grip around my throat weakened for a minuscule second, I wasted no more time as I yanked her head away and then slammed it back against the boulder, gasping loudly as the air scraped the back of my throat and sent me into a vicious coughing fit, my eyes watering when the tribute’s hands loosened even more. The aggressive air flow made my lungs ache as I coughed even louder, finding more power in my body as I could finally breathe, and I slammed the girl’s head into the boulder once again before pushing her limp body off me. The canon went off two times as I lay on the ground numbly, staring up at the fake sky as I tried to breathe even again, craving water to wash the burn down in my throat.

But if the canon only went off twice, it meant the male tribute was still alive, and as my head snapped up to look for him, his teary eyes fell on me before they steeled, becoming cold and void of emotion. Realizing I couldn’t do anything now but fight, I sprung to my feet despite the state of my body, despite my desperate need to succumb to nothingness. And when my fingers touched the handle of my axe and its familiar weight settled in my hands, reminding me where I was and who I was, my eyes fell on the male tribute with hatred and spite as I staggered on my feet, watching as he also grabbed his weapon. It was shorter than a sword but longer than a knife, and I gulped but didn’t let it deter me. Not even when he came running towards me and I had to dodge his raised arm last minute, realizing frantically how small and easily disposable I was against him.

And as desperation grabbed at my throat, my body shaking in terror but determination as well, I realized something. I wanted to live, I wanted to survive and I wanted to return home, but not to District 4, no, into the arms of the man I had fallen for in the few days I had been at the Capitol, the man who made me look beautiful and desirable for the first time in my life, the man who believed me and begged me to do my best and return to him. I wanted to live for Choi San and I wanted to know what his lips felt like pressed against mine, what his cologne smelled like, and what being wrapped in his big, but comforting, arms felt like. My emotions were conflicting, I wanted to hate him, to curse his name and scream at him—he was from the Capitol, part of the reason why I was forced to live my life in fear each year The Reaping came around, ultimately falling victim for their wicked games—I knew we didn’t belong together, it was shameful to fall for a man like him, but at the same time I couldn’t help but recall the tenderness in his eyes, in his touch, in his words, and I’ve never felt safer, freer and happier.

I wanted to see San again.

With a memory that was hazy and a numb mind, I only came to it when I heard the third canon go off, warm blood dripping from my hands and face, stench unbearable as I crumbled next to the dead body and heaved for air, bile rising in my throat as I vomited whatever little my body had inside my stomach. And I cried as I dragged myself away from the gruesome scene, now four innocent lives hanging over my head, their deaths bloodying my hands and forever burned inside my memories, a weight I could never get rid of. We were all victims in a greater game, and all we could do was endure and continue living, if not for ourselves, then for the lives we had taken.

            Now that the moment I had been waiting for came, I wasn’t so enthusiastic about it anymore. I wanted to go home, of course, I did, but going home meant not seeing San until the next Hunger Games. It meant being separated from the man I had grown attached to in an alarmingly short time, the only man who’d ever managed to make my heart beat faster. I didn’t understand what part of San made me so enraptured with him, and no matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t figure it out. It made no sense, it felt twisted and somehow sick too, shameful, but I couldn’t stop myself as my eyes found his, my whole being feeling alive when a small dimpled smile appeared on his face. The makeup team was here to say their last goodbyes and the vast train felt empty without the male tribute I had arrived with. It felt colder and scarier than on our arrival, and I didn’t want to go, not yet. I needed more days, perhaps even weeks, with San. But President Snow’s words were ever present in the back of my mind and his threats frightened me. I knew I had no choice but to live a lowkey life if I wanted my loved ones safe.

“Ah, I always hate this part,” Mingyu said with a sigh, his face fallen, “but we’ll see each other soon, no?”

“For the Victory Tour.” San’s voice was smooth and emotionless, but I noticed the way his eyes didn’t move on from me, the way his Adam’s Apple bobbed with every gulp he took.

“Which will be next month.” Joohyun’s sharp voice cut through as she looked between San and me, her jaw set tight. Hinata just sighed and turned towards my mentor with a sullen face, and to my surprise, Joohyun opened her arms and beckoned her over for a hug.

“Take care,” She said quietly as Hinata stepped back, a tear rolling down her cheek, “We’ll see each other in no time.”

“Please use the facial masks I have given you,” Hinata pleaded as Mingyu offered Joohyun a hesitant hug as well, her petite form disappearing in his huge arms, “Your skin is literally perfect, I’m afraid the salt water will destroy it.”

“It won’t.” A smile played at Joohyun’s lips, but she nodded still, “But I’ll use them, for your peace of mind.”

“Thank you!” Hinata’s eyes lit up and I faced my two makeup artists as they hugged me at once, making me chuckle and shy away when Mingyu ruffled my short hair fondly. San and Joohyun exchanged no words, but an understanding look passed between them before Joohyun sighed, taking a look at her wristwatch.

“The train leaves in fifteen minutes, San.” And to my surprise, I watched as my makeup team and Joohyun walked over to the compartment’s automated door, knowing looks passing their faces.

“See you soon, Y/N, let Joohyun help you wear your facial masks, please!” Hinata seemed to be obsessed with keeping our skin hydrated and moisturized, terms I learned only upon my arrival to the Capitol, and I nodded so that she’d leave with a peaceful heart.

“Take care!” Mingyu called before the doors closed in front of them, leaving San and me alone in the compartment which was bigger than my old bedroom. I interlaced my fingers in front of me and looked at the floor, wanting to say so much yet unable to do so. San moved first, approaching me with hurried steps and I didn’t expect to feel his warm hand cup my cheek and raise my head. His dark eyebrows were furrowed and worry was written all over his face, his skin clear of any cosmetical product. He was glowing underneath the natural light, he looked gorgeous. My body seemed to relax at the close proximity and I nuzzled my face into his palm, turning my head to kiss his wrist as San’s eyes softened, lips downturned.

“I don’t want to go just yet,” I whispered and held San’s other hand, our fingers intertwining.

“We’ll meet soon again,” He tried to reassure us, but it only made me long for him more, even if he was standing right in front of me, “Until then, you have Joohyun and even Finnick to help you if something is amiss. Don’t be afraid, I know your family cannot wait to see you, you’ll be fine, my love.”

“How can I be fine if you’re not there, San?” He gulped hard, jaw clenching as tears sprung into my eyes. The thought of being separated from him sounded excruciating, I really didn’t want to go. I wanted San to hold me, reassure me, and be there for every waking moment of mine, otherwise, it felt like I couldn’t breathe.

“You’ll be, no—I’ll find a way to be there, my love, if not physically, I’ll try to send pieces of myself to you.” He cupped my face as he leaned down, breath ghosting over my face as our eyes bore into each other deeply, “I promise, I won’t abandon you. I’ll do anything to keep you safe.”

“Will you write to me?” I asked in a whisper, feeling a flicker of hope spark in my chest and San licked his lips, his eyes falling on my parted ones.

“I’ll try, I really will.” He whispered and then leaned in, eyes fluttering closed as our lips brushed together, hesitant at first, almost coaxing. I stepped closer and leaned into him, my arms around his torso holding him firmly as my fingers twisted into the flannel white shirt he wore, my body now wrapped in his honey-like cologne. San’s grip turned surer, more secure, as he tilted my head back, our lips moving languidly, taking our time as if we weren’t in a hurry. And for a split second, I managed to forget all my insecurities and fears as San’s whole being consumed mine, his lips moulding perfectly against mine as he sucked my bottom lip between his teeth before releasing it and kissing me with more fervour. One hand slipping into my hair and fisting the short strands firmly had me keening as I held San’s jaw, the pace of our kiss quickening as he walked me backwards until my thighs were pressing against something hard, forcing my knees to bend slightly as I tried to stabilize myself by a hand behind me, pressed firmly on the surface of the table.

And it felt as if San was trying to steal not just my breath but my soul too when his mouth parted, tongue asking for permission as it swept over my bottom lip. I had never been kissed like this before, neither held nor desired so fervently, and my mind swam in a daze as San’s body pressed against mine, firm and demanding, as my lips parted just slightly, hesitantly. But San’s tongue was insistent as it licked against my teeth and then finally into my mouth as I gasped in the back of my throat, holding onto his broad shoulders when a calloused hand on my lower back made it arch, leaning my upper body back as my lungs burned in a way I never wanted it to end, not painfully but longingly. His tongue was hot and sharp as it glided against mine, alternating between sucking and just simply exploring my mouth, coaxing more sounds out of me as my body started shaking, stimulated in a way it hadn’t been before. I didn’t want us to separate as San pulled slightly away, making me chase after his lips with a desperate need settling deep in my bones, my fingers slipping up to his neck as our lips met again, my fingernails pressing marks into his tan skin. But we didn’t have enough time, we never would, and when my lungs started screaming for air again and San had to pull back, he pressed his forehead against mine, panting loudly while he peppered kisses all over my cheeks—I felt at ease. For the first time in my life, my mind was silent, my body was relaxed, and I felt indestructible.

“I’ll find a way to you, I promise,” San whispered when the train whistled and my heart suddenly lurched into my throat, bringing that deep-rooted desperation back.

“I love you, San.” The words slipped past before I could even ponder on them, making San’s eyes widen as he froze, hands gently holding my waist as he helped me stand up straight. My eyes shook as I stared into his wide eyes, desperate to hear an answer, to hear him say the words back to me, to confirm that he cared for me just as deeply as I did for him.

His swollen red lips pressed against my forehead with a quiet hum and I felt on the verge of tears when I heard the compartment’s door open behind San, his body big as it obscured my view, “I love you too, Y/N.”

His words were quiet but firm, assuring, and definite as he looked me in the eyes with a sad smile, thumb rubbing my cheek when the train whistled again, giving its final warning before it took off. And I wanted him to stay, but I had to let go. San belonged in the Capitol and I didn’t. I was just a simple girl from District 4, our love never to be consumed as it should’ve been from the very beginning. But I found the strength to smile, to hope for a future by San’s side as he detached himself from me, our fingers grazing together still when I stole a swift last kiss from him. Joohyun had her eyes fixated on the floor as she stood by the entrance, but when San walked towards her, she looked up. She seemed tired, the coldness was gone from her eyes, and she looked at us with pity—it hurt.

“Stay safe, Joo.” San patted her cheek before he was out of the compartment, never once looking back. I gulped, eyes falling onto the window as Hinata and Mingyu were now joined by San, a few Peacekeepers standing behind them to ensure everyone’s safety. Tears threatened to gloss over my eyes but I stopped them, fearful that I wouldn’t see San’s face anymore as I hurried towards the window, feeling the train lurch forward. Hinata and Mingyu waved as Joohyun joined me, her lips pulled into a small smile as she waved back, but San just watched with a stoic expression on his face, turning his back when the train lurched forward again, slowly taking off this time. Something in my chest felt heavy as San took off, never once turning back to look at me, taking both Hinata and Mingyu off guard as they looked at the retreating stylist with confused expressions. And when I couldn’t see them anymore, Joohyun’s cold fingers wrapped around my bicep and pulled me away from the window, guiding me towards a couch as my legs finally gave out and I crumbled into the soft cushion, tears rolling down my cheeks.

“The ocean awaits us, Y/N,” Joohyun whispered as I felt her manicured fingers in my hair, gently petting my head, mind lost somewhere as she stared ahead mindlessly. I was finally going home.

3 months later

            Adjusting to the life of a Victor came easier to me than I had expected. My parents welcomed me home with open arms and tearful eyes, holding me as my mother sobbed loudly while my father pressed kisses against my hair, telling me how happy he was that I was standing in front of them once again. I couldn’t tell them all the terror that came with standing in front of them, the mental torture I had endured because I was alive, I just couldn’t. So, I never let them know, that whenever I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see myself but a girl covered in blood from head to toe with a sinister smile on her lips, eyes dazed and hungry to kill. It was a monster staring back at me, not the innocent eighteen-year-old girl I was before I left for the Games. The District welcomed me back warmly as well, with people patting me on the back and congratulating me while Finnick stood with a bouquet in his arms when our train arrived at the station. Joohyun didn’t say much as the Peacekeepers led us towards a tinted car, ushering us inside as then I realized we were headed towards the Victor’s Village. My parents had been moved to the house when I was announced as the winner, apparently. All of my belongings were there, yet my room felt foreign, impersonal.

But over time, I learned to accept this new lifestyle as I slowly started adjusting to the small changes. People now greeted me on the streets, bowing their heads and asking whether they could talk to me when I had a little free time. At the market, everyone seemed to be wanting to buy our catch of the day, leaving the other vendors with grimaces on their faces. It was odd how suddenly everyone wanted my attention, wanted to befriend my parents even, calling us over for dinner or even lunch on Sundays. But I didn’t wish to mingle with those I wasn’t important to before the Games and kept to myself while remaining respectful towards everyone. Joohyun, unsurprisingly, wasn’t around as much, but she checked in every week and would sometimes come knocking on our door late at night, asking whether I would walk with her on the beach. Our walks were always filled with silence and the sound of the waves crashing against the shore was soothing and familiar. I was home, I finally felt at ease, away from the prying eyes of the Capitol and the curious people who had no idea what having privacy meant.

Yet still, something was missing. A big part of my heart was constantly aching, yearning, wishing for the one person I couldn’t have. San was in the Capitol, living his life like before, thriving each day as he released a new collection, called ‘The Little Mermaid’. Everyone theorised it was about me, but San denied the gossip and said he was merely inspired as it had been a long time since a tribute he worked with had won the Games. Apparently, San has always wanted to see the ocean, to let his feet sink into the cold and wet sand, lay down on a blanket and let the sun kiss his skin, warming it until he couldn’t bear it anymore and would have to cool down in the cool ocean. I hung onto his every word as he spoke, eyes gleaming and jewellery shining underneath the artificial lights of the studio with a backdrop of the ocean from District 4. I could feel my mother’s eyes on the side of my face as my eyes welled with tears, and unable to take the yearning inside my body, I stormed off before San could finish his interview.

But he had kept his promise. He sent almost every second week something that was his, a little piece of himself. I couldn’t help but look forward to it, anticipating the moment Mr. Yoon would knock on our door late at night, slipping San’s letters through underneath the door. Mr. Yoon was risking his job by receiving San’s letters and delivering them to me, but apparently, the two had grown up together and were good friends. Mr. Yoon became a Peacekeeper at a young age, following his father’s footsteps, and he was doing his best to rise in the ranks. He was granted more freedom due to his father’s status among the Peacekeepers, and he only took advantage of it when it came to delivering San’s letters. I was forever grateful to Mr. Yoon, rewarding him with baked goods whenever we would cross paths at the market or in the square.

Today had been a similar day, my blood was simmering underneath my skin and I had been fidgety all day long, trying to help my mother around the kitchen as it’s been a stormy day and my father and I couldn’t sail out onto the water. Finnick was over too, conversing with Annie in our living room as the TV was on. Apparently, Mags wanted to air out the whole house and sent the two out for a walk, but Annie ended up remembering she hadn’t seen me in a while, so, they decided to stop by. Despite Joohyun having been my mentor, I was closer to Finnick and Annie as they both seemed to understand my heartbreak and unspoken longing. Annie was a young healthy woman, but she wasn’t completely sane anymore, and she needed Finnick by her side at all times. Whenever he had to go to the Capitol, she’d isolate herself and not talk to anyone for days, but surprisingly she had allowed me inside her room one morning when I had made her breakfast together with Mags. She didn’t speak to me, she didn’t look at me and she didn’t get out of bed, but her hand shot out from underneath the blanket and held my wrist for a few seconds, squeezing it. I knew she was there for me in her own way, and I did everything I could to be there for her in my own way.

The house we lived in was massive and clearly too spacious for three people only, so my mother would often invite over either the other victors or our relatives, who had an envious glint in their eyes each time. If only they knew the sacrifices that came with living a lavished life, still controlled by the Capitol, even more so than before.

“Honey, should we add more carrots?” My mother asked with confusion as she stirred the soup, one hand on her hip. I put the knife I was holding down and walked up to her, glancing inside the pot.

“No, unless you plan on having over the whole district?” I raised an eyebrow at her and she chuckled, looking over her shoulder towards where the living room was. Annie was giggling and Finnick’s hushed words were audible but intangible.

“I did invite Mags and Joohyun too for lunch, so maybe I’ll add two more carrots.” My mother mused to herself as I hummed, leaning my hip against the counter. There was a TV in the kitchen too and it was on, volume louder than the one in the living room. Ceaser Flickerman was on, blabbering about whatever hot news that concerned the Capitol, some gossip about victors from Districts 1 and 2 before he mentioned San’s new collection again, talking about a party held not long ago to celebrate his new release. My ears perked up at that as I walked towards the table, grabbing the remote control to give it more volume, eyes glued to the TV as San’s grinning face appeared on it.

He was dressed in loose leather pants and a white, with an intricate design, adorned his torso, pulled in at his waist to make his shoulders seem even broader. His bare arms were kept warm by a thick fur coat that reached his ankles, and big golden necklaces and rings complemented his outfit. His eyebrows were black and sharp, and his dark hair was gelled back too, sharpening his features even more as it gave him a dangerous look. His eye makeup was completely black and his lips weren’t their usual red colour, but a more muted coral. And despite San always wearing jewellery that was big and chunky, his ears were adorned with pearls, giving his whole look an unusual touch. He looked masculine and dangerous, commanding almost, but the pearls decorating his ears somehow softened his features, especially when he laughed or smiled. It was endearing, breathtaking, and hard to look at without feeling my body shake, wanting to crumble to the floor.

Because Snow was a vicious person, San and I never met for my Victory Tour. He wasn’t allowed to come, apparently cooped up with designing ten dresses for President Snow’s niece, rendering him unable to accompany the team for the tour. His designs were sent with Hinata and Mingyu, and Momo, one of San’s apprentices, came as a replacement for him. I knew Snow had done this on purpose, but I couldn’t help but cry when the team came and there was no sight of San, my whole world breaking as my longing only worsened. Being this far away from him had started feeling painful, and I didn’t know for how much longer I could go on like this.

“Would you look at that!” Caesar's shrill exclamation snapped me out of my thoughts as my mother flinched too, glancing over her shoulder in wonder, “That’s Choi San, everyone, look at him!”

His laughter drilled inside my mind as more footage of San was shown as he drank glass after glass of champagne, accepting them from others as they handed it to him, Finnick’s warning ringing in my ears. You weren’t supposed to accept any drink that was handed to you, but perhaps it was different for San because he was from the Capitol too. But the more images flashed across the screen, the hazier his eyes became, his smile wider and lazier, movements sluggish as he danced around women and men, laughing and stealing food playfully off of others' plates. I gulped, my heart thumping loudly when Caesar's smirking face came into view, his microphone held close to his mouth,

“And would you look at that, had our lovely bachelor finally found a sweetheart?” It felt like the world stilled around me when the images shifted and it showed San cradling the face of a woman with fiery red hair, wild and short, face heavily clad in makeup as her eyes were unnaturally yellow. She wore a white dress, barely covering her cleavage as it glinted like diamonds under the lights. She looked at San with awe in her eyes, mesmerized by my stylist as he spoke to her words we couldn’t hear, hiding her further in the corner as he crowded against her body, “Ah, young love, I still remember what it feels like. It’s intense, raw and so rejuvenating, it was about time our beloved San found his match, no? I just hope we can still have him to ourselves from time to time!”

Caesar's shrill laughter echoed in my ears as I felt my blood simmer underneath my skin, ears ringing as my eyes remained glued to the screen where images of San sitting in a chair surrounded by ladies could be seen, even men flaunting around him. My jaw hurt and I hadn’t even realized just how tightly I was clenching it together, my body trembled as uncontrollable rage shook it. I saw red in front of my eyes, so vibrant that it blinded me as I heard something crash loudly, my breaths coming out in loud puffs as I felt the desire to hold something until I broke it with my bare hands, smashing it into tiny bits, destroying it until nothing was left of it. My chest felt tight and my thoughts were jumbled as I heard someone call my name, but I couldn’t focus, I just wanted to—kill. Kill whoever touched San, whoever dared separate us, whoever denied our love. And I knew I could do it, all I had to do was grab a— “Y/N!”

I jumped, gasping loudly for air as I felt my face burning, my eyes wide as I looked around myself, oblivious to my actions. Finnick’s face was contorted in worry as he stood the closest to me, hands held out in front of himself as he kept his distance as if I was a dangerous animal ready to pounce on him.

“Y/N.” My mother’s scared whisper finally snapped me out of my confusion as my eyes frantically surveyed the kitchen, widening when I realized the knife I was using to cut vegetables was now tightly gripped in my hand, held in a way that could easily harm anyone. As if burned by the silver, I released it from my tight grip, letting it clatter to the ground as my eyes settled on the remote control that was now broken into bits and pieces.

“I—” I tried to steady my breathing, but my body shook and I was scared. Scared of myself and of what I would’ve done if Finnick hadn’t managed to snap me out of my crazed thoughts. I wasn’t like this before the Games, something was wrong with me, I was a monster now, “I’m so sorry, I—I didn’t mean to, I—I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” It was Annie who spoke up, her voice light and her face surprisingly understanding. She walked inside the kitchen, avoiding the broken remote control as she passed Finnick and nodded at my mother, “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Her words hit hard, breaking the wall surrounding my mind and the emotions I tried to keep intact all this time, especially in front of my parents. I wanted to cry, to sob, but no sound left my mouth as Annie’s arms came around me, holding me tightly against her. I wanted to react, to scream, break more things, but I was numb and unable to move as she started humming a song I didn’t know. My mother had tears in her eyes when I looked at her but she didn’t look disgusted or afraid, she just looked like she didn’t know what to do as she turned her back to me, hunching over the counter as she continued to cry. I let Annie hold me as Finnick kneeled and gathered the broken pieces of the remote control, grabbing the knife too as he went over to my mother to offer her a side hug, muttering something to her quietly.

“You’re not broken even if you think you are.” Annie’s words seemed to only cut deeper into my heart as she had an absent look on her face when she finally detached herself from me, “If you give in to the monsters crawling inside your head, it means Snow wins. Don’t let him win, Y/N, you’re stronger than that.”

I nodded wordlessly as Annie smiled brightly and genuinely for the first time since I had known her. Finnick watched her closely, eyes holding affection, only making me remember San and the warmth of his eyes, of his embrace. I missed San, so much, and it felt like I broke apart a little bit more each day we spent apart. My mother wiped at her cheek with the sleeves of her blouse and continued cooking like nothing had happened, asking Finnick to set the table. The rain had stopped hours ago and my father had left for the market, he was supposed to return any time now for lunch. As I wanted to walk over to my mother and apologize, the bell of the front door rang twice. My heart leapt into my throat and I raced towards it, disregarding Finnick and Annie’s confused looks. It was Mr. Yoon, San’s letter had arrived. Nobody besides my mother knew that I was exchanging letters with somebody from the Capitol, and it was supposed to stay like that. I grabbed the letter off the floor and paid no attention to the rest of the people as I raced up the stairs towards my room, tearing the envelope apart as my hands shook with anticipation, eyes running over San’s familiar handwriting. It was elegant and beautiful, just like him.

My love,

I shall tell you this each time I write to you, even if it hasn’t changed, but I miss you dearly. I dream of you nightly and I fantasize about you daily. I miss your laughter, your pouty red lips, your eyes full of wonder and love, your skin which glints under the lights like they were meshed with gems. I miss your flowery scent, the gentleness of your touch, and the adoration in your eyes whenever you as much as glanced at me. Sometimes I miss you so much that I lose myself in my thoughts, in my memories, for hours on end, thinking about you, about your day, wondering how you are doing and what you are thinking of. Unfortunately, I still haven’t found a safe way for you to write back to me, and I know it must be so much harder for you than it is for me, but please wait for me. I’m looking for ways, searching endlessly to find a way to hear your words too, but at least I sleep assured knowing that my letters reach you, that I can fulfil my promises.

I haven’t been sleeping much lately, but fear not, I am well, I’m just trying to keep up with the deadlines. I wanted my new collection to come out before this month ends because summer doesn’t last forever and it’s themed after you, yes, my little mermaid. I know you hate the nickname, but to me, it’s like having a little part of you with me, just like what the letters are for you. I don’t know when this letter will finally reach you, hopefully before the Capitol shows anything of my collection and of the after-party, but know that every single pearl adorning my body was imported from District 4, specifically from your family. I know you love to collect pearls, you’ve told me so multiple times, so I asked my dear friend Yoon Jeonghan to only buy those that have been yielded by your hands, this way it’s even more meaningful, more personal. I wish the pearls could carry the warmth of your hands until they reach me, letting me feel you despite the distance between us. This whole collection…it’s to show my devotion to you, to tell you that I am yours and that I cannot wait to see you. I miss you, Y/N, but I have told you that already. I do not know when we’ll meet again, but just know that no man, status, rule or distance can keep us separated for much longer. Times are changing, my love, I can feel it in the air. Something is brewing and I’m afraid once it hits us, it won’t be pretty. I do not wish to wait around for it to happen, but I cannot disclose anything else, I’m afraid. I do not wish to put you in danger if this accidentally ends up in the wrong hands, although I trust my dear friend, Jeonghan. Before I end my thoughts, I shall ask you to ignore everything you might see or hear through the TV, whatever Caesar Flickerman and the other anchors speculate, they are not true. I do not care for anyone else but you in this world, and whatever you see is for publicity, it’s because I must keep up a front. If I didn’t, it would raise suspicion, it would sabotage me from seeing you before the next Games. Have faith and a little trust in me, even if I’m not deserving of it, I promise nobody owns my heart like you do.

I shall end my letter here, sitting by my window under the lamplight, wishing for you to be by my side. I hope the victors and your parents treat you well, and that Joohyun didn’t shut herself away from you like she usually does with everyone. It might not seem so, but the two of us are friends, and I worry about her frequently. Finnick is an honourable man too, I know he’ll take care of you if hardship arises, perhaps let him know when you can that the marigolds were prettier this year than last. Of course, do not say I have told you this, just let it slip during one of your conversations. I must go now, but remember, I love you. Until we shall meet,

Your beloved,

Choi San.

            Every muscle burned as I tried to lift the fork, even my fingers felt like they weighed kilos. My chest ached and despite my stomach growling, I couldn’t seem to gulp my food down, the orange juice in the cup by my hand my only hope as it washed down the unchewed food I still forced inside my mouth. It was sickening and I tried not to look disgusted as everyone seemed to be enjoying their dinner. Today had been horrible, it’s been only the second day of training, but I already knew that I wouldn’t survive past the second day in the Games. I had watched the other tributes, specifically those from Districts 1 and 2, and concluded that if I came face to face with them in the Arena, I’d beg them to kill me fast so that I could go painlessly. It was a frightening thought and it made my whole body shake as I somehow veered away from them and tried to learn something new, something I wasn’t good at to ensure my survival even if for just a little longer.

The table had been silent at the beginning, but the male tribute who sat to my left had spoken up about how he learned how to correctly hold throwing knives and was thinking of choosing those as his main weapons. The mentor in charge of him, not Finnick Odair as apparently Snow didn’t let him partake in the Games this year, was sceptical of Jisung’s, the male tribute, weapon of choice and told him to go for something bigger and stronger. My mentor, Bae Joohyun, just sat in silence as she ate the bloody beef on her plate, her lifeless eyes glancing up from time to time when her mentor partner would crack insensitive jokes about all the children that died in the Arena and would keep on dying. Jisung was just a child too, barely sixteen years old, but he didn’t react to the comments, only placed more meat on my plate despite me not touching it. The makeup team and the stylist stayed over for dinner tonight after they took our measurements and discussed with us what we wanted to wear for the parade.

The stylist, Choi San, was unlike any man I had seen before. He was intimidating and cold, his small eyes were sharp and bore into yours with an alarming intensity. Whenever I looked at him, he was already looking at me with a blank expression on his face, but his eyes felt like they could read my mind, like he could see right inside it and tell just how scared I was. I couldn’t hold his gaze for too long, shy, and also slightly animus towards him since he was from the Capitol. It was very obvious he lived a lavished lifestyle, his clothes expensive and his cologne sweet and strong. He also had no shame as he wore a mesh shirt, completely see-through and showing off the nipple piercings he had in both buds, a cross necklace hanging between his well-built pecks. His shoulders were broad and yet his waist was small, he wasn’t the tallest man but he still towered over my smaller form. He was breathtaking and I felt ashamed whenever my eyes strayed towards him, looking and admiring him, wondering what type of person he was underneath all that makeup and the pompous clothes.

“Well, Y/N,” One of the stylist’s apprentices spoke up suddenly, her name was Jurin, “Why aren’t you eating? You are already very thin.”

Silence settled upon the table and my muscles stiffened as I felt put on the spot, but she just continued, “There’s no reason to fit in your clothes if you cannot lift a simple sword to protect yourself in the Arena.”

“Can you lift a sword?” I didn’t mean to snap, I didn’t even want to answer her, but my fatigue and waves of nausea got the better of me, tipping me over the edge as I looked at her expression full of judgment, her purple eyes narrowed.

“I’m not required to lift one,” Her tone was snobby, I watched as my stylist lowered his fork from his mouth, eyebrows furrowed as he turned his head to look at Jurin, “but I probably could, if I had to.”

“Why don’t you go into the Arena, then, Jurin?” I asked with a wide smile, letting my fork and knife clatter against my plate loudly. Tense silence fell over the table as Jisung curled into himself, Joohyun’s glare was sharp as she looked towards Jurin, and Jisung’s mentor only chuckled, throwing back a shot of whiskey.

“Because I’m not a disposable rag.” That said everything about the people from the Capitol, about what they thought of us, how they viewed us. It was enough to make my blood boil as I pushed my chair back, standing up with a clenched jaw. Choi San’s fork clattered against the plate loudly too as his head whipped around, eyes glaring at his apprentice.

“Not yet, anyway.” I hissed, eyes narrowing into slits as Jurin paused, one eyebrow raising in a taunt, “Your cakey makeup will eventually melt your face off, and all those fake things on you that you call beautiful? Yeah, they’ll make you look like a rag at some point, not that you don’t look like one already—”

“How dare you!” Jurin screeched as she raised her knife, springing up to her feet with an appalled expression. Joohyun scoffed with an irritated look on her face and eyed the other woman, her tone eerily calm.

“Sit down before I make you, wench.” Jurin screeched again as if the world was ending, and despite how unwell I was feeling, it satisfied me to hear my mentor defend me against the delusional and disrespectful woman.

“You disgraces think that—”

“Enough!” I flinched when the stylist’s voice boomed, making tears spring into Jurin’s eyes. She looked at San as if she was betrayed, then she started sobbing loudly as she slammed her chair onto the floor while turning around to storm out of the dining hall. Poor Jisung sat frozen, and I gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze as his mentor started laughing loudly, eyes falling on Jisung.

“See? I told you women are sensitive, all you have to do is comment about their appearance in the Arena, and they’ll turn against each other without you doing anything.”

“Not now, Jongin.” Joohyun hissed as Jongin chuckled, holding his arms up in mock innocence. With my stomach churning and bile rising to my throat, I took a shaky breath and lowered my eyes, feeling ashamed and on the verge of throwing up. The makeup artists looked like they didn’t know how to react, the tall guy called Mingyu was mid-bite as he shared a confused look with the blue-haired girl, Hinata.

“I’m sorry, I’ll be in my room,” I muttered under my breath as I bowed my head and took off, pressing my hand against my mouth as I took deep breaths, rushing towards my room. The doors were automated and they opened by themselves as I reached the end of the corridor, taking off into a sprint as I felt like I’d throw up anytime now. My mind was a jumbled mess and my emotions were all over the place. I was terrified, and I didn’t know what to do anymore to become the strongest, the smartest. I had no idea how to become appealing to the Capitol so that they’d sponsor me and help me survive, I had no idea whether I was capable of killing or not.

My knees ached when I finally reached the toilet and kneeled rather harshly, heaving but not throwing up. My mind was only torturing my body, proving just how weak I was, incapable of doing anything to save myself. After flossing my mouth and washing my face with cold water, I tied my short hair in a low ponytail and headed back to my room to change into my pyjamas, however, I halted when I realized someone was inside my room. A frightened gasp left my mouth and the figure whirled around, looking sheepish as his hand slowly pushed the little notebook I brought with me away from him. It was something my mother had made for me. Ever since I was born, she’d note down my days, she’d draw for me in it, and tell me how she had felt that day. It was heartwarming and sweet, it brought me comfort when I was terrified and saw no light at the end of the tunnel.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry or enter your room without permission, but I—” My stylist, San, gulped nervously, “I was worried about you. You barely ate anything and you look sickly, is something wrong?”

I released a shuddered breath and leaned back against the closed door of the adjacent bathroom, “I’m terrified.”

My words hung heavily between us as San gulped again, looking at the floor before he slowly looked back up at me, into my eyes, “What Jurin had said…I apologize. She’s spoiled and very insensitive, you shouldn’t listen to her.”

“And you shouldn’t apologize for her.” I muttered as my arms circled my torso, holding myself to bring a little comfort, “But thank you…San.”

He sighed loudly, licking his lips as he took a tentative step towards me, making me freeze. Jurin had been the one to take my measurement while San stood back and watched, noting down the numbers, sometimes instructing Jurin where to measure again and which body parts to skip. I could feel my heart slowly quicken, flushing my cheeks a light red colour as San walked closer and closer.

“I’m sorry you have to be here,” Before I could tell him that it wasn’t directly his fault, he continued with a big inhale, “I’m sorry I can’t do anything to stop this from happening. Jisung is barely sixteen years old and you are eighteen, you’re both so young, and all I can do is dress you up to make you look desirable for the Capitol. I’m a horrible person, but I—I want them to see how gorgeous you are, Y/N, I want them to look at you and want you to win. I want them to fall in love with you and root for you, and I want—I want you to return to me. I believe in you, I can see it in your eyes, the way you move and think, you’re strong, Y/N, let Joohyun coach you and you will live, I know you will.”

My eyes were round as I stared up at San in surprise as he came to a standstill in front of me, eyebrows deeply furrowed and voice raspy as he took a big breath, gulping as his hands curled and uncurled at his sides. I didn’t understand where this was coming from, but I felt my heart race as I stared at San dumbfounded, arms dropping from around my torso as I gulped, slowly nodding my head.

“I—I’ll do my best,” I whispered, unsure of what I was supposed to say as San’s eyebrows furrowed more, face contorting into an emotion I couldn’t read. His left hand reached out, but he stopped before it could touch me.

“May—may I hug you?” He asked quietly, lowering his head so that I couldn’t look into his eyes anymore. My eyebrows raised in surprise and I froze, confused, but not opposed to the idea. I nodded slowly, trying to relax when he grabbed my arm and gently guided me towards himself, his sweet cologne engulfing my senses as my eyes fluttered closed, taken aback by his warmth as San’s arms circled my shoulders and pressed my head into his chest. He released a shaky breath as I stood in his arms, frozen, heart racing in my chest as I slowly raised my hands, hugging him around his middle. I hadn’t been hugged like this before, not by anyone who wasn’t my father, and yet, this embrace felt different. It was charged with something I couldn’t name yet, it felt warm and full of silent promises that I didn’t fully understand. And when San’s lips pressed against the top of my head, I understood that this ran deeper, that he needed me to return to him, that he was here because he couldn’t go back to his apartment without telling me all of that. And I knew it was wrong that I was letting him hold me like this, he was from the Capitol and he was just like the others, probably, but I couldn’t help but melt into his arms, a small smile grazing my lips.

That is until I heard the slash of something, warm and red liquid dropping onto my head until it slowly started streaming down my face, getting into my eyes, nose, and lips. I gasped and tried to pull myself out of San’s embrace, but his arms only tightened around me and a very familiar cackle could be heard behind him. He was too big and I couldn’t see past his shoulders, but when his arms finally fell limp and I pushed him backwards, a scream ripped through my throat. The front of my clothes was coated in blood—in San’s blood and the person who still held onto the handle of the axe that was lodged into his skull was—me.

“Y/N!” The alarmed voice that called my name made another scream freeze in my throat as I gasped, eyes flying open. My heart was beating frantically and it was pitch dark inside the room, only instilling more fear into me as I grasped for whoever was inside the room with me, gasping and yelping when warm arms grabbed my shoulders and pulled me up into a sitting position, “Y/N, it’s me, it’s okay now, shh.”

I was crying, I realized as I buried my face into my mother’s chest, letting the sobs wrack my body as I clung to her, her hands patting my back and shushing me as she rocked us back and forth. I could still feel San’s blood coating my body, the smell nauseating and its taste even worse as it got into my mouth when I screamed. What was a memory, something that had happened, was twisted by my sick mind and turned into a nightmare, into something I would’ve never done to San.

“Baby, I’m so sorry,” My mother muttered into my hair as my sobs turned into hiccups, “you never said anything so I thought you were fine, I’m so sorry for not noticing it. I’m here, I’m always here for you, and so is your father, Y/N, you can tell us anything.”

I sniffed loudly as I raised my head and hugged my mother tightly, resting my head on her shoulder. She let out a loud sigh and hugged me back just as tightly, pressing a kiss against my temple, “I didn’t want you to worry. I can carry this burden on my own, mom, I didn’t want you to see the monster I had become—”

“You’re not a monster, my baby.” My mother’s voice broke and she pulled back, holding my head as she looked me in the eyes. I could see her now that my own eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and her eyes were filled with tears as I continued to sniff loudly, “You are courageous and smart. You did what every other victor had done before, Y/N, you’re not a monster. I love you, your father loves you, nothing can change that, ever.”

I sniffed and nodded, her words soothing despite the storm still raging inside my mind. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, the longing was too much, the memories and my actions were haunting me. I felt incomplete without him here, I was slowly breaking more and more, “I’m in love with San, mom.”

“With Choi San?”

“Yes, I love him.”

“Oh, my baby,” A sad smile crossed my mother’s features, “It’s okay, it’s okay. Come here.”

And she released me as she crawled further onto the bed, pulling the covers back as she got underneath them, laying on the empty side of my king-sized bed. She opened her arms and smiled softly as I turned towards her, pulling the covers over our bodies as I let her hug me and lull me back to sleep with her soft singing.

I never saw Jurin again after that evening.

            A week passed since my confession and nothing has changed, proving my fears fruitless. My mother never brought up the subject again, she didn’t tell my father either, but she did ask one evening while we watched the sunset from our back porch whether the letters I kept receiving were from San. She looked worried, like she wanted to advise me against meddling with San, but she knew too that it was too late for that now. I was in love with San, nothing could change my heart’s desires anymore. It was saddening how badly I was taking his absence. I had started seeing his face in others, hearing his voice when he wasn’t even there, trying to recall his touches only to panickedly realize they weren’t as vivid anymore. It was horrifying how quickly my thoughts were spiralling, sending me into something I would call depression. I didn’t want to see anyone anymore, yet Joohyun’s presence brought me comfort. Perhaps it was because she had been there for me, watching out and helping me during my Games, perhaps it was because she had seen me and San together, a reminder that it wasn’t just something my mind had made up.

And despite how obvious it was that I wasn’t doing well, my parents never left my side, not even when I yelled at them to leave me alone. They were understanding and as loving as ever, and they didn’t let me wallow in misery. Today I had little to no force or willpower to get out of bed, but my mother needed a few vegetables and my father was out on the ocean, sailing his boat without me. I had to go to the market whether I liked it or not. The cacophony of the place was disorienting and the sun was too hot today, making it hard to breathe as I tried to avoid crashing into anyone. The basket hung from my arm as I paid the vendor for the eggplants I had bought, and feeling self-conscious, I let my eyes survey the market. Something felt amiss, like eyes were constantly following me. Many people looked at me given that they knew who I was, but there was one set of eyes that remained on me constantly, watching from the shadows, from someplace I couldn’t see. My heartbeat picked up as I thought about the worst-case scenario. Maybe San had been caught, his letters were found, and now whoever President Snow had sent after me was here to torture my family and me.

I tried to remain calm as I hurriedly left the market, hoping that the insistent eyes would go away, but as I rushed through the busy cobbled streets of the District, I realized someone was following me now. I gulped and tried to find a path that was fast yet intricate so that my pursuer wouldn’t be able to keep up with me. It felt like I was back in the Arena, chased and mocked, reminded of how fragile I was, of how easily I could lose my life to others who were bigger and more powerful. I took a left turn, breaking off into a sprint when I heard footsteps echo behind me, and realized the streets were becoming deserted as it was noon and nobody was outside unless they were headed for the market. I didn’t dare look back as I turned onto an alleyway, gripping the basket firmly as I ran down the narrow pathway, turning to my right as I had foolishly forgotten that it was a dead-end. My chest fell and rose quickly, making me stop in the middle of the alley as I was forced to face my mistake.

The footsteps came to a stop behind me and my muscles tensed up, my jaw gritting as I gripped the basket’s handle tighter, wondering whether I could use it to defend myself. If I hurled it at my chaser, then maybe I could escape while they were too busy dodging the heavy basket. Realizing that I had been through worse in the Arena, I took a deep breath and then swiftly turned around, ready to throw my basket towards the person, until I realized who stood in front of me. I froze, eyebrows furrowing and my mouth falling open the longer I looked at the man facing me, breathing hard from having had to chase me. He looked nothing like the stylist I had met in the Capitol all these months ago. He wore simple beige trousers and a white shirt which was buttoned down to the middle of his chest, which was glistening with sweat due to the hot air of District 4. His black hair fell over his forehead, some strands falling into his sharp eyes. His face was devoid of any makeup and he looked like any other man, blending in well with those from District 4, his complex tan and beautiful.

Basket tumbling to the ground, I didn’t even notice my legs take off without my command, carrying me towards San as I leapt into his arms, gasping when our bodies collided together. He was real, he was here. San was in District 4, holding me tightly against his body as my arms circled his neck, thighs squeezing his hips as my ankles hooked together. He still smelled the same, still as sweet and honey-like, his skin was hot and his embrace warm as San staggered for a second, his hands fisting my blue dress as one of my hands tangled into the soft hair on the back of his head.

“My love.” His voice was low, but still warm and filled with longing, with care, “Oh, Y/N, I have missed you—so much.”

His voice broke at the same time my tears fell down my cheeks and I thought I couldn’t hold him tighter, but I did as I pulled my head back just enough to press kiss after kiss against his neck. San shuddered against my body, his chest rising and falling rapidly as I felt my mind settle, my thoughts finally silent, and my heart void of the ache and longing I have felt ever since we parted ways.

“San.” My voice broke as he pulled his head back until we could look into each other’s eyes and I didn’t wait any longer, I crashed our lips together as San groaned, holding me even tighter against himself. I didn’t care who happened to see us, I didn’t care if we were caught as our lips moved frantically, insatiable, and desperate to press together more and more and more. I whined when our tongues met, and it felt rushed and painful when our teeth clinked together, but I didn’t care because I was in San’s arms—San was here, with me. Our breaths were ragged when we finally parted, foreheads pressed together as my eyes remained closed, just drinking in the emotions swirling in my chest, so powerful that it felt like my heart was about to burst, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” San answered before I even finished my sentence and I opened my eyes, unable to let go of him yet, but he didn’t seem to mind as he adjusted his grip around me, holding me more comfortably.

“How—just—what are you doing here?” My mind was reeling with scenarios, I needed an answer. I had to know that everything was alright, that President Snow hadn’t done anything to him.

“It doesn’t matter how,” San’s eyebrows furrowed and mine did too when I realized he looked anxious, “but we can’t stay here for any longer.”

I nodded, gulping, “Of course, let’s go to my house, it’s safer—”

“No, Y/N.” San’s voice was serious, sharp, as he shook his head, “We can’t stay in District 4 and we can’t stay in the Capitol either.”

“What do you mean?” I asked in a whisper, feeling dread take over my body as San carefully lowered me to the ground, cupping my cheeks as he raised my head. My hands held onto his arms as I looked up into his warm eyes, now filled with worry and unease.

“I broke many rules while coming here, I…” He sighed and bit his bottom lip, averting his eyes for a split second, “I disobeyed Snow’s orders. If he finds us, he’ll kill you as a way of punishing me—or worse, he’ll kill me and your family to make you hurt knowing it would hurt me more than anything that I left you on your own—”

“I don’t understand,” I shook my head, cutting San off, “Where can we go if we—we’ll die, San, it doesn’t matter—”

“No, Y/N, you have to listen to me.” He gulped and pushed a strand of hair behind my ear, voice shaking slightly as he continued, “I know it will sound crazy, but District 13 wasn’t destroyed by the Capitol. We can—we must go, I have it arranged already. Do you trust me, my love?”

“I do, San, of course, I do, but—” I gulped, feeling uncertain, “This sounds impossible, it’s crazy. If we get caught, we’ll both—”

“We won’t get caught.” San’s tone held determination, like he was completely sure that we wouldn’t get caught, “Jeonghan is coming with us, we have a boat waiting for us, he can get us out. I have spoken to President Coin, District 13th’s leader, she’s waiting for us. We can do it, Y/N, please. I’m sick of Snow, I’m sick of the Capitol, I just want to live the rest of my life with you by my side, happy, and free. Come with me, my love.”

A free future, a future where President Snow couldn’t control us anymore, tell us what to do or separate us from each other. A future where I could be by San’s side, far away from the scrutinising eyes, from the people who would never approve of our relationship. I was in love with San, so much so that I couldn’t bear the thought of letting him leave me behind. I couldn’t live without him anymore, I couldn’t let him walk away again, I couldn’t be on my own anymore, surrounded by people who would never understand me like San does. He believed in me, he cheered me on, he knew I could return—he loves me.

“Okay,” I whispered, nodding my head as San’s eyes widened as if he had thought I wouldn’t go with him, “Yes, I will go with you, my love. I trust you.”

San’s whole face lit up at my words and the biggest smile I have ever seen on his face appeared, eyes filling with tears as he pulled me into his arms, his embrace tight and suffocating. Just like his love for me.

“I love you so much that it hurts, Y/N.” San said as he released me, intertwining our fingers, “The boat leaves in an hour, we can’t take too many things with us, but maybe a few—”

“No.” I shook my head, smiling at him, “I have everything I need right here, in front of me.”

A tear rolled down San’s cheek as I pressed up on my tip toes and kissed it away, pressing our cheeks together as my heart felt like it couldn’t be contained inside my chest anymore, bursting and racing so hard it felt like I was having palpitations while my ears started ringing. And I meant what I had said, San was the only thing I needed, nothing and nobody else. Our eyes met as San pressed a kiss against our intertwined fingers, the basket long forgotten on the ground as we rounded the corner, headed towards the port where Jeonghan was waiting for us on our getaway boat,

“May the odds be ever in your favour.” ~ Suzzane Collins.

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[minkiverse]

PARK SEONGHWA FIC RECS

Poly!Ateez Pt. 1 - Pt. 2 - Kim Hongjoong - Jeong Yunho - Kang Yeosang - Choi San - Song Mingi - Jung Wooyoung - Choi Jongho

HWA TIME!! A man who is so earth shatteringly gorgeous of course gets written incredibly by atiny 😩 like this man is just art!! As always, I hope you enjoy and support these authors!!

Dividers by @iluvpooks

DISCLAIMER none of these works are mine and majority are MATURE 18+, please read all warnings before reading!!!

Key:

✨ - My Favs

🔥 - Smut (MINORS DNI)

⛈️ - Angst

💗 - Fluff

🍑 - Humor

SERIES

New Horizons - @fivestar-outlaw 🔥⛈️💗 Idol AU

this is just the cutest series!! like meeting him through animal crossing is the most adorable meet cute i want to cry 😭😭 we all deserve a lil bit of delusion as a treat asfgdssfgdf

The Way to His Heart - @edenesth ⛈️💗Joseon Period ✧ Arranged Marriage AU

im a big BIG fan of historical au's and i just loved reading hwa falling for the mc and then doing everything he can to destroy the people that hurt her 😩😩 that kind of devotion is just soooooooo attractive😍😍 it kinda reminds me of the anime My Happy Marriage (which i did not finish OTL) but if you enjoyed that i think you will love this~~

Wallflower pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4 - @tenelkadjowrites 🔥⛈️💗 Office AU

seonghwa is mc's nerdy coworker but boy can he fuck 😩😩😩 the smut in this is 🤌🤌 but honestly this fic is so much more than that and how the mc changes and grows as a person because of hwa's influence is so enjoyable to read i just love them 🥹🥹

Sans - @songmingisthighs ⛈️💗🍑 SMAU ✧ Childhood Friends AU

this author really knows how to break my heart 😭😭😭 definitely be aware of trigger warnings for some chapters!!! but this fic was also so wholesome?? like i just love the mc and how they grow from the events of the story 🥹🥹 SPECIAL SHOUTOUT TO SAN AND WOO!!!!

ONE SHOTS/DRABBLES/ETC

sycophant - @ncteez ✨🔥 Business AU

there will always be boss x employee fics BUT this take on it 🤌🤌🤌 hwa is just so attractively straight forward and him teaching the mc on how to dom him is truly just so fucking hot i could scream 😩😩

Untitled - @thetypingpup 🔥 Hybrid AU

The Thing About Pretty Boys - @wonusite ✨🔥 Friends to Lovers AU

never say seonghwa can't fuck.... or maybe do bcs this man goes fucking feral 😵‍💫😵‍💫 i had like a full body physical reaction to how hwa is written in this fic 😩😩 like this is so filthy in the hottest way possible

Dune - @hongism 🔥 Outlaw AU ✧ Biker AU

Untitled - @orgverse 🔥 Sci-fi AU

Warning Signs EP. 1: The Showman - @mphountitled 🔥Rebellion AU

Everyday at the Bus Stop - @tenelkadjowrites 🔥💗

persistent desire - @bro-atz 🔥 College AU

Untitled - @k-hotchoisan 🔥

Red Dress - @wooyoungiewritings ✨🔥⛈️💗 Enemies to Lovers AU

i love a holiday/winter themed fic ok sue me 🫵🫵 its just COZY and this hwa drives me up the wall 😩😩 he's such a charming lil shit and the banter is soooooo good 🫠🫠 i looooooooove this couple!!!!!!!

Scattered bunny!seonghwa thoughts - @thetypingpup 🔥 Hybrid AU

Morning sex with Seonghwa - @k-hotchoisan 🔥

Untitled - @sxcret-garden 🔥

realistic sex with seonghwa - @byuntrash101 🔥

VIP Access - @hwashotcheeto 🔥 Idol AU

multiple??? - @lomlhwa 🔥 Hybrid AU

I Can See You - @daemour 🔥⛈️💗 Single Father!Hwa

Untitled - @thetypingpup 🔥 Hybrid AU

heavy and sticky - @k-hotchoisan 🔥

Untitled - @cheollipop 🔥

Untitled - @thetypingpup 🔥

belong to me - @ateezscupid 🔥⛈️ Idol AU

Untiled - @thetypingpup 🔥 Dragon!Teez ✧ Sugar Mommy AU

Untitled - @bombuni 💗

Honest (But Happy) Accident - @ad0rechuu 💗College AU

amazing grace - @yoongiseesawmp3 🔥⛈️💗 Church Boy!Hwa

Untitled - @thetypingpup 🔥 Bad Boy!Hwa

paradigm - @yoongiseesawmp3 ✨🔥 Bartender AU

switch!hwa nuff said 🤤🤤🤤 no but how this author does banter is just so good like idk even know how explain it because it feels so natural and charming and the smut is so fucking good like im in love with hwa and the mc ?????

The Heart's Filthy Lesson - @tenelkadjowrites 🔥⛈️ Toxic BFF!Hwa

Untitled - @hee0soo 🔥

Damnation of a Saint - @byuntrash101 🔥 7 Deadly Sins AU

My Little Empress - @holybibly 🔥 Historical AU ✧ Arranged Marriage AU

the lamb and the wolf - @seonghwaddict 🔥💗 Hades!Hwa

Make Me Water - @bangtanintotheroom 🔥 Friends to Lovers AU

Untitled - @thetypingpup 🔥 Cyberpunk AU

mirror mirror on the wall, who's the filthiest of them all - @almightyddeonghwa 🔥 Idol AU

boyfriend texts - @beenbaanbuun 🍑

[itstheghostofmypast]

Our Little Secret

Sergeant Choi San x (f) Criminal Reader ft.Wooyoung

Summary: Maybe he was not as bright as his superiors made him believe he was, or maybe he was just a fool, or maybe he was just a tool in a much larger game at play. Either way, one thing was for certain, Jung Wooyoung was impressed by a man who had one too many little secrets, some that he was to keep as well.

Genre: Hurt/Comfort Fluff

Warnings: mention of gunshots, mentions of r*pe (heavy stuff), panic attacks, illegal stuff, strong language- (Mc is a perv, sorry not sorry- lowkey San is the same)

Word Count: 7.8k

Read Time: 38 min

Networks: @cromernet @k-labels

Banner: @cafekitsune

Rating: mature

A/N: I may have had a little too much fun writing this

Wooyoung hated this part of the job, ever since he had joined the force, he had wanted to do nothing but good, but here he was in the late hours of the night in a mansion that belonged to one of the many corrupt political figures that ruled the land. He had begged Captain Park not to put him on night parole, even insisted on doing all the paperwork for everyone, including the slacker Mingi, but the captain was in no mood for negotiation, instead, he had told him the sergeant would accompany him.

Truth be told, the officer was afraid of the sergeant, he had heard great stories about the man, and the first time the young officer had laid eyes on the mountain of a man, he began to believe the rumours. From his well-built body to his feline mannerism, the way he would walk with an air of pride around him, forcing those around to bow in respect, or fear, either way, it didn’t matter because Wooyoung knew one thing for sure- he wanted to be like Sergeant Choi. Due to this very reason, he had agreed to attend this nuisance of an event, a masquerade ball for the elite, filled with all activities which would be illegal if one were poor or even middle class. What confused him, however, was why the Sergeant had agreed to conduct this trivial task. Captain Park had mentioned how he had volunteered himself, even bringing the blueprints of the mansion and the surrounding gardens, speaking with the security teams at the place of function as well- trivial tasks that are often left to juniors like Wooyoung, so why was his superior doing all these things himself?

“Officer Jung, do you copy?”

The static voice rang in his ear, yes, they were given the state-of-the-art technology just for this freak show, the budget the Department of Defence was given had their captain shaking in his boots, which would explain why he was hell-bent on using every penny to the most ‘professional’ manner.

“Yes, Sergeant, loud and clear.”

“Good, the east wing is clear, I’m leaving the man ballroom now.”

“West wing is clear too, Sir.”

“Heading North, to the main gate. Keep an eye out for anything out of the ordinary.”

“Heading to the greenhouse at the back Sir.”

With that Wooyoung slowly started to walk down the stairs and out into the open, taking a deep breath, the crisp, chill of the night prickling against his warm skin, a shiver running down his spine, he thanked heaven that they were allowed to wear civilian clothes, San had insisted that it would be safer for them and the visitors this way. Ironically, he had chosen to wear a leather jacket, much like his superior, guess he had his boss somewhat figured out at such a quick pace- he really was smart, wasn’t he? Pulling the leather jacket closer to his form, he looked around the luxurious lawn, it was indeed pretty, with a variety of trees and flowers that one would only see in books or the internet, most of the species were not even native, but then again, then again, certain laws of physics or nature do not apply to the rich.

He was glad it was quiet though, a few more hours and this shit show would be finished by midnight, which meant he could go home in peace, and possibly expect some form of praise in the morning from his superiors. Speaking of superiors, he didn’t know much about the Sergeant, only that he was cold and ruthless, and incredibly gifted in the department of looks- apparently was smart too, and that he had a blackbelt- okay so maybe Wooyoung did know a lot about him, but it was all so textbook. He had no personal details on the man, only one thing, that he was married- but that was because of his wedding band that he saw the Sergeant wear in a makeshift necklace. The wedding band wasn’t even on his finger, and the only way he had seen the necklace was when the man had taken off his jacket, the ring toppled onto his shirt, earning a low groan from the man, though Wooyoung’s eyes quickly scanned the item, a simple silver band, hanging from a silver chain. He watched his superior gently tuck it back into his shirt, pressing it against himself for a quick second before sighing, as if he was afraid, he had almost lost it. That was the only glimpse Officer Jung had gotten of his superior that was not consistent with the rumours of his ruthless stature.

Opening the door to the greenhouse he stepped in, the strong scent of herbs hitting his nostrils, making his nose itch. Clicking his tongue in disapproval, he walked down the isle of potted parsley and mint, looking around for anything suspicious, not that there would be anything there. Or so he thought, for the moment he stood at the heart of the glass building, looking around with his hand on his hips, and he heard a little chime- a cat? No, this place was locked and he made sure to close the door behind him, he was sure of it, which is why he was about to dismiss the noise until he heard it again.

Slowly making his way to the source of the sound, he reached for his gun, being as quiet as possible, spotting a silhouette near the roses, and pointing his gun at the intruder he cleared his throat before ordering;

“Freeze! Raise your hands and turn around slowly.”

He was ready, he was oh so ready to prove to his superiors that he was well deserving of that promotion, he was ready to take down this- woman? He was not ready for this, visibly swallowing at the sight before him he tried to not look at anything but the kitsune mask of the woman.

“Miss, are you here by accident or…”

“Oh, honey if you think only men are criminals, then you are part of the problem.” her red lips stretched into a cocky smile, shifting as she leaned against the stand, the slit of her red satin dress shifting, showing a bit more leg than what Wooyoung would consider modest, though his glance served to be more useful than perverted, the silly little shiny pistol hooked to her black net garter caught his eye, the ribbons of the material gripping onto the gun.

“Eyes up here sweetie, my husband wouldn’t appreciate other men ogling at me like this.”

“Cut the crap,” spitting he aimed at her, “Take off the mask and get down on your knees.”

“Kinky.” Was all she said before something smacked against Wooyoung’s hand like a sharp slap, stinging his wrist his gun fell to the ground as he groaned, glaring up at the smirking woman who winked at him, finally noticing the black leather whip in her hand- did they even make whips this long?

He was about to reach for his gun on the ground before it was kicked away, her heel pressing against the back of his hand, “You’re cute, I’ll give you that, but I don’t have much time, cutie.”

Wooyoung was about to tackle her, only for her to smack him across the face with the back of her hand, the rings on her fingers stinging like hell as she made a run for it, laughing like a mad woman, her chuckles echoing across the greenhouse. Growling in frustration he grabbed his gun and ran after her, he knew he couldn’t shoot around like a madman, one shot would be enough, but the leg? No, she’d bleed out. The shoulder? He was hot on her tail, the red dress hard to miss, along with the sound of the bells hanging off the tussles of her mask, his fingers just grazed her dress before she took a sharp right.

“Shit” following after he stumbled behind the shelf, only to stop at the sight before him. The woman was pinned to the ground, her wrists pinned above her head, San’s grip tight as he watched her struggle under him.  “She has…a gun” Panting Wooyoung pointed at the now fully exposed leg, her dress had bunched up against her waist as the Sergeant’s lower half kept her legs apart, his free hand reaching for the gun, though Wooyoung could swear his boss was taking his sweet time, he could swear his boss was caressing the woman’s leg, somewhat toying with the garter before ripping it off her, earning a squeak from her followed by a whine.

“Enough.” His voice boomed, gripping her face he squished her cheeks hard, staring down at her, as she instantly stilled, looking up at him, not moving an inch. It was as if she was wired to his command- to have authority such as Sergeant Choi’s would be a dream come true for Wooyoung.

“Did you grab the kitty’s tail?”

“The what?”

“The whip Officer Jung, she calls it the kitty’s tail- you didn’t read the report last week, did you?”

“I umm- I’ll go get it, sir.” With that he ran back to the original scene of the crime, acquiring the whip that she had dropped on the way, probably while running away from him. When he had come back, San was locking her handcuffs, his rough movements causing her to wince, but when he tightened it against her wrist, she whimpered- and that is when he saw his superior freeze for a second, and if it were not for his cunning fox-like observation skills, he would’ve missed how San’s eyes had softened, his hand that was on the cuff loosened its grip, “Let’s go.” That was all he said before leading the two out the back entrance, claiming that the event was already over anyway and that they had to report to no one about their departure.

.

He glanced back at the woman in handcuffs, chin in palm as she admired the view outside. It was now that he got a good look at her, with her mask in her lap, she was beautiful, no, the word beautiful did not do her justice, so why was a woman as pretty as her involved in something as ugly as this? Wooyoung frowned when San took the turn to exit, unsure of what his superior was doing

"Sergeant Choi, I think you took a wrong-"he was cut off, his eyes flicking to the rearview mirror, the lady still sitting in the same position, but her question caught him extremely off guard.

"Sannie, will you be home for dinner tonight? "

Did she just call him Sannie? Though San remained as nonchalant as well, "I didn't Wooyoung, don't worry." he answered only his junior ignoring the woman, this was the first time he had addressed Wooyoung by his name, what exactly was going on? Glancing at the side view mirror, San raised an eyebrow at her, she was sitting right behind the driver's seat, his seat, watching her pout and look at him through the reflection. A small whine made its way through the silent car.

"Come on Sannie~ you can't gimme the silent treatment forever?"

"Detective Jung?" his tone extremely authoritative and hard, earning a flinch from his junior, though the lady behind him just shivered, with something other than fear.

"S-sir its officer, the detective exam’s results aren’t out yet”

“You’ve passed Wooyoung.” He sighed, gripping onto the wheel a bit harder, as he pressed on the gas.

“Sir I- how, how do you know that?” he should have just been happy at the knowledge of his new title, but curiosity always got the better of this foxie, always wanting to know the answer behind the whys and the hows.

“I checked the exams- why do you think Seonghwa sent you with me tonight? They don’t send just anyone with me to such a high-profile case?”

“N-no Sir I-

Once again, he was cut off by a bratty whine, only this time she leaned forward, shifting so she was in between the two seats, her upper body leaning against the gearbox, turning to look at the Sergeant who did not glance away from the road;

“Sannie~ It’s been a week, this isn’t fair.”

"Wooyoung, open the glove compartment, there's a roll of tape there." he gestured to the glove compartment, "Tape her mouth shut for me, would ya."

"Sir!?"

"Sannie~ wait, hear me out-eep" she yelped almost as loud as the screech of the brakes, falling back as her back hit the leather with a thump, Wooyoung's own heart made its way to his mouth, ready to jump out in fear.

"Wooyoung. Tape. Her. Mouth."

As his junior fumbled with the glove compartment the Sergeant parked the car in a secluded area off the road, getting off and slamming the door shut. Wooyoung gulped as he noticed his superior’s body language, he had never seen him like this, what was he going to do with her? Should he save the woman? Were the rumours about him being a ruthless killer of ‘criminals’ going to be proven true after what he was going to do to this woman? Swinging open the car door from her side he pulled her out by her wrist, noting how she winced and looked up at him, "Sannie…you're hurting me." This caused his grip to loosen, though not enough to let go, not that she had any plans of escaping, his cold hard glare was enough to have her rooted at the spot, fumbling with her words- extremely out of character.

He had had enough of this, tonight was too close to be just a risk, she was lucky he was there, there was no way Seonghwa would let her go, and if this was some kind of sick trick to get his attention, he wasn’t interested in it, nor was he going to entertain it.

"San, I swear I was wearing my mask I-"

Her words were cut off by the sudden pressure of his lips, his body pressed flush against hers, pressing it against the car door. Her cuffed hands gripped onto his jacket and pulled him ever closer as his hand at the base of her neck gave her a little squeeze as if warning her to not test him, though a muffled giggle broke past her lips as he slowly parted, the hand on her waist pressing into her. She didn’t care about how rough he was being or how he wasn’t even crouching down properly to meet her halfway, having her stand on her toes just to feel him close, she didn’t care because at least he was giving it to her now, his attention. With their foreheads pressed together, he gazed down at her gentle features portraying nothing but innocence- false innocence, but the sincerity in her eyes was what always had his knees buckling. The sincerity of love that she had for him, letting him catch her every time, letting him into her world, into her life- truth be told it wasn't her who fell into his trap, but it was him who was wrapped around her pinkie.

Wooyoung cleared his throat, "Ummm…" Extremely baffled by what had just broken out, he had not just seen his superior fully make out with a criminal- was this legal? Well, technically no- wait was this harassment? Or no, she did call him Sannie, did they know each other?

With a slight chuckle, she stood on the tip of her toes to peck her lover's cheek, "Didn't know you were into that stuff…the audience turning you on huh, never knew my husband was so kinky?"

In an instant the tape was snatched from Wooyoung's hand and smacked across her pretty red lips as she stared at him wide-eyed, a bit confused, a bit scared, but oh so in love.

"Be a good little wife and stay quiet, no need to traumatise my junior even more than you already have."

With that he forced her back inside the car and went to sit on his seat, leaving a sweaty-palmed Wooyoung standing there in complete, utter shock - possibly turned on too- wait- WIFE? Suddenly her statement about her husband rang in his ears, she had mentioned a husband before- was he? Was this man an enemy of the law or a loyal servant of the law? Wooyoung stood there grounded, confused about what to do and what had just happened. Perhaps he had stood there a bit too long, clenching and unclenching his sweaty fists but the driver's door opened again, causing him to flinch, unsure if he was about to move to the car or reach for his gun, he wasn't sure but before he could decide his senior opened the backdoor. He watched another scene of confusion unfold before him, San shrugged off his jacket, and crouched down into the car, placing it over her torso, and tucking it around her upper body, "There, now you're all warm."

Wooyoung was dead sure he heard San chuckle, but the muffled whining was louder. Standing up straight he closed the car door and turned to look at Wooyoung, his white T-shirt clinging onto his well-built frame, the ring in his necklace glimmering under the streetlight. Just who was this man?

"Wooyoung, if you aren't comfortable with this I-"

Huffing the junior stomped to the other side of the car, slamming the door shut. Shaking his head in defeat San let out an airy chuckle, staring up at the stars, "Man, I just attract brats, I'm sure of it."

.

"You know…this is illegal right?"

They had been driving in silence for almost thirty minutes before Wooyoung had decided to slice the tension. What bothered him more was how it was only he who could feel this tension, the lady at the back was literally snoring away in wonderland and his boss was driving with one hand on the wheel, the other was resting on the armrest, casually drumming against the material.

"Hmmm? What is?"

"This. She's a criminal! We literally caught her-"

"Doing what? Looking at flowers? In a mask? It was a masquerade ball, Detective." he sighed, already using the new title for his junior, who hissed in disapproval, who was this man, where was the man of great stature and moral value that he looked up to since his trainee days.

"You know what I mean, you're becoming an accomplice to a crime and-"

"Then report me Wooyoung." he slammed the brakes, causing the younger one to squeak, holding onto the handle, thanking God that he was wearing a seatbelt, his eyes wide with fear as he looked at his superior staring dead ahead as he mumbled, "Report me if you must, but I'd be damned if any of you try to lay a finger on her again."

"Again? What do you mean-"

Once again, he was left hanging as the man got out of the car slamming his door shut, the entire car swaying in the process. He turned to look at him again when the back door opened, though he noticed the way the woman shook her head and scooted away from him, causing him to sigh, he looked so…defeated. Was she scared of him? Wooyoung's eyes flickered to the woman, his profiler skills on overdrive, what if he read it wrong, what if he was supposed to save this woman from the sergeant? He noted the way her eyes had watered, tears threatening to slip at any given moment, waiting for the last push- he still wasn't sure about their dynamics, what if none of this was consensual? She kept on pulling back until her back pressed against the door, legs pulled closer to her chest as she shook her head, heavy tears dripping down her cheeks, her mascara running like a stream, her entire form shaking, her sobs muffled by the tape- this was not the woman who had smacked him across the face, this was not the woman who had stomped her heel on his hand, this was but a mere broken, scared little girl.

"Sir-" For the third time tonight Wooyoung had reached for his gun, ready to shoot anyone who he thought was suspicious at this point.

"I won't go…I promise I won’t, he explained it to me and I- f*ck I'm so sorry, I'm sorry." His head hung in disappointment, eyes not even meeting hers, palms pressing on the seat, “I’m staying, I swear I won’t leave again.” He whispered reaching for her once more, his hand resting on her ankle, thumb stroking the skin, Wooyoung noticed the way she visibly relaxed a bit, manoeuvring to let him pull her out, he reached for her cuffed hands, pulling them over his head, their faces inches away from each other as he gave her a gentle, dimpled smile- that was new. What he did not expect was for San to completely ignore him, as the Sergeant pulled out his wife in one swift motion, holding onto her bridal style as her muffled squeak echoed across the empty street, followed by his laugh.

He kicked the door open, smiling at the little meow that resonated across the empty hallway, coming to greet her parents, she had indeed spent a week with her distressed mother and in the absence of her father, especially after witnessing the two in a full-blown argument, must have scared the little fur ball.

“Byeol, didn’t I tell you to watch mommy, while I was away?” he called out to the cat that walked beside him, making sure to rub against his leg as he slowly sat her down on the couch, reaching to scratch his baby’s head, only to stop when she gently tugged at the ends of his hair, before her fingers slowly caressed the nape of his neck, arms still looped around his shoulders. He glanced up at her sheepishly, smiling at her, “Sorry, forgot about that,” reaching up he reached for the tape, “I’ll go slow, okay?” nodding at him she looked at him determined, and ready. He did it slowly, making sure he caused minimal pain, and glad he kept the paper tape in the car, usually for their little activities, any other tape would’ve hurt more.

Sighing she licked her dry lips, looking down at her lover, “Won’t you kiss me?” she whispered before turning her head to look at the newcomer, as soon as Byeol hissed, “Nevermind, officer cramped-undies is here, he’s allergic to love.” she mumbled, glaring at Wooyoung who was glaring back at her with the same intensity.

Shaking his head at the two San pulled her arms over his head, undoing her cuffs, and tossing them away somewhere, the clinking of the metal attracting the cat that went running across the room to it. Grabbing her right hand he hummed, gently applying pressure, taking in her reaction, “Sorry, didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay, Sannie.” She smiled, placing her left hand over his, “I’ve been through worse.” Wooyoung noticed the way he froze at her words, his smile turning into a deep frown, glaring at the ground for a split second before shaking his head, and looking up at her with a gentle smile, “I’ll be back.” With that he stood up, gesturing to Wooyoung to follow him as the two made their way into the kitchen, that was across the hall. Wooyoung stood next to the marble island in the centre of the dark kitchen, hands stuffed in the pockets of his jacket, watching his superior rummage through the cabinets mumbling stuff, “Ah…I told her not to change the place…tsk…this woman never listens to me…where are you…hah! Gotcha.” Like a cat filled with pride and glee after catching a mouse, he turned around with shining eyes, only to pause when he realised it was not his wife, he had turned to but his junior who wore an extremely sour expression, with the whole blank eyes and deep frown, the complete look.

Clearing his throat San looked at him, nodding as if he were grateful to his junior for not reporting him- yet. Wooyoung raised an eyebrow before pulling up the Kitsune Mask, “Care to explain?” his voice held a certain edge to it, more importantly, San knew that wasn’t a question, but an order- wow, he really did attract brats.

“I…” sighing in defeat he nodded, before gesturing to his face, “Apply this, it’ll stop the bruising, just let me patch her up first and…try to get along with her, she’s just been on edge today.” He mumbled walking out of the kitchen after placing a tube of ointment on the counter beside Wooyoung, who scoffed, she was his wife, not Wooyoung’s so why was he supposed to bear her tantrums?

San walked into the living room where she was trying to undo the strings of her heels with one hand, grumbling at the way she had tightened the knots. Placing the medicine box beside her on the couch, he gently pulled away her hand, mumbling a ‘let me’ before his nimble fingers began to work on the knots and strings, “Running in heels is dangerous.” He concluded, taking off her heels and placing them beside him, his baby girl had expensive taste, that was for sure, much like her psychotic brother- biology be damned.

“Are you going to be in trouble Sannie?” she asked, eying Wooyoung who had sat across the three-seater on the opposite loveseat, watching the scene unfold with a blank stare, honestly at this point, he was somewhat intrigued by the way his boss was swooning over his wife, the delicate intimacy making him a bit jealous due to the lack of a partner in his life. Morally, he wasn’t sure where he stood anymore, but this was a side of the Sergeant he had been dying to see, so who was he to deny the favour God had bestowed upon him?

“I don’t think so,” he muttered, opening the box to pull out her makeup wipes, he pulled one out, reaching for her face with his other hand, cupping her cheek, eyes instinctively closing, "But I swear you're in so much trouble." His warning had her eyes snapping open with a pout, though he clicked his tongue and grunted, "Hold still, close your eyes." But she grabbed his hand, staring at it, before meeting his eyes, "Your…ring…You took it off- I- did I- You- I mean we-" her breath hitched, another wave of nausea hit her, the all too familiar ringing in her ears resurfacing. "Hey- no, no, no love, look at me." He gently patted her cheek with the wet tissue, the hand she was holding onto rubbed soothing circles on her thigh, "I didn't remove it, just wore it here" Pulling back he plucked out the necklace from under his shirt, "See, " holding the chain up for her to see, the ring dangling off it, "Just kept it hidden, to keep you safe, okay? You're okay, I'm okay….we're okay." he whispered back, bringing her hand to his lips to press a gentle kiss to her palm, watching her sniffle, "Now, close your eyes, no more crying, or I swear I'll cry", waiting for her to follow instructions, glad when she did, with that, he gently began to clean up the streaks of mascara and residue of her makeup, hand working like clockwork, impressing Wooyoung, much like how he had handled her panic attack- what exactly was going on here, how did San know what to do? Had he perhaps done this before? Why did the sight before him make him feel like he was intruding on something personal, should he leave?

"Wooyoung?" his mental debate came to a halt when his superior called him, looking at his broad back, his face still turned to his wife, smiling up at her, as she looked down at him. She was…beautiful- no, she was charming, her freshly cleaned skin radiating with an alluring glow, almost inviting- was she a siren?

"Wooyoung, if you're done staring at my wife like a perverted teenager-"

"Sannie" she stopped him, as soon as she noticed how the younger one was blushing, clearing his throat as he looked everywhere but at the couple.

"I.I wasn't Sir- I-"

"The ointment." was all San, craning his neck to glare at the man, his eyes cold and hard, swirling with jealousy- possessive huh?

"Yes, sorry, here." scurrying over to the couch he placed it in San's open palm, pausing to glance at his wife- wanting to get a closer look at what may have been his first and only interaction with an angel. Sergeant Choi did strike a deal with lady luck on this one, her features were not only soft and delicate, much like her gentle gaze, especially how she was staring down at her husband with endearment that had him almost vomiting, but her overall persona had changed, not like the devious little being he had encountered at the greenhouse.

"There." Pulling on a cute bow he looked up at her with a smile, "Go change, dinners on me tonight." Standing up straight he side-eyed Wooyoung who stumbled back at the sudden proximity of the taller man, he didn't realise he was standing so close to the two. Cupping her face his thumbs caressed the swollen area of her undereye, her eyes closing at the gesture, nodding when we whispered gently "Go."

With that she was gone, leaving the two men alone, Wooyoung standing there looking somewhat guilty- even though he wasn't part of any of the crimes committed tonight.

"Come on, you want chicken flavour or cheese-flavoured ramen?" San asked, calling him over his shoulder earning a sound of disapproval from his junior, "What?"

"You're going to feed your wife instant ramen?"

"I was going to feed you too, but if you'd rather be ungrateful then who am I to force you."

"Sir?"

"What?"

"Let me cook. Please."

That's how Choi San found himself sitting at the barstool at the kitchen island, somewhat glad how big it was, his wife was right, the bigger the better- for kitchen appliances, mind you. On the opposite end of the countertop, Wooyoung was silently chopping vegetables, done with carrots, green onions and now the cabbage, this couple ate well, and had good taste in produce as well- Wow Jung Wooyoung, so much for begging God to let you know more about your boss, should've asked for something else instead, like a million bucks or something.

San admired the way the younger man was working, he knew Wooyoung was a hard worker, but his skill and expertise amazed him, also made him realise he attracted brats, but those brats knew how to cook.

"Who is she?" Wooyoung asked, sliding the diced cabbage into the strainer, "What are you involved in please tell me now, I'm at the ripe age of my youth so I can jump careers unlike you-"

"I'm literally only three years older than you."

"My point exactly."

Shaking his head in disbelief San signed, resting his chin on his palm, "You really are something else, huh?"

"I've been called worse, Sir."

"She's…Kim Hongjoong's sister." he began only to stop when Wooyoung slammed the butcher knife onto the board, "THE KIM HONGJOONG? HEAD OF MATZ? THE SOLAR DRAGON? THE MAN WHO KILLS WITH JUST HIS GAZE??? THE SAME MAN YOU ARRESTED- how- HOW DID YOU GET HIS SISTER TO MARRY YOU?" His shrilly voice echoed around the kitchen as San rubbed his temples, God was testing him today.

"First of all, yes, not biological, the two grew up at the same orphanage and secondly, I did arrest him but no one knows she's his self-proclaimed sister- well, other than Seonghwa" he mumbled, pulling off his necklace and staring at the ring,  "I remember being like you, believing in the system, believing in the goodness of people, that those who are innocent are never wronged- I was a fool, this entire system is whack and for some reason, fate decided to send me a stray that was abused enough to convince me about how wrong I was."

Wooyoung watched him in silence, placing the dirty dishes in the sink as he turned on the electric stove, "I… see." was all he said, waiting for the water to boil, "Do you have garlic paste?"

"In the fridge, I think." San pointed at the fridge before sighing, "How much do you know about Hongjoong's mission?"

Opening the fridge the man stared at the neatly stacked containers of food, all untouched, if San didn't come home for a week, why was there so much food there? Was she…waiting for him? Making him dinner every night? The knot in his stomach twisted a bit too tight as he sighed, closing the fridge, “You were undercover for a year, by the end of it, you captured the Matz leader and most of the gang."

"Did you know Kim Hongjoong came to me himself?"

"What?"

"Exactly," exhaling he pulled the ring out of the chain, slipping it back on his finger, all snug, where it belonged, "I started the mission as an undercover agent. I was part of an underground fight club, one of the many Hongjoong owns- Django." he nodded to Wooyoung who was adding strips of meat to the bowling broth, "It was fine, the usual bullshit, took me a few months to even get recognition, but one thing was for sure, everyone feared Hongjoong, everyone but one person- his advisor."

"And… that was her?" he asked, deciding to take out the side dishes she had packed away in the fridge.

"Yeah…" Reaching for the mask he admired the details, memories flooding back, "We never saw her face, this mask was who she was, she was quick and agile as a cat, but Hongjoong's favourite. She was also my meal ticket to her brother. After a match I was about to leave when I heard a scuffle, honestly, I was going to leave but the bell" Shaking the mask the bell resonated in the kitchen, and the only other sound present was of the boiling broth, "I knew it was her so I went to check, a few guys had cornered her, I don't know why, maybe she was tired that day, maybe they were physically stronger, but while one held onto her the other reached for her mask and that's when I snapped, all I remember was my hands were bloody and before I knew it I was being taken to meet Hongjoong."

"You saved her?" he asked, as he opened a few cabinets, before looking at San who pointed at the one at the far right, "Plates and bowls are there. Cutlery is in the drawer." With a thankful nod, Wooyoung motioned him to continue.

"Yeah, I did. I was assigned as her bodyguard. I wanted to be Hongjoong's but usually, where you'd find her, you'd find Hongjoong and the other way round." he took a deep breath, “Either way, I realised this little cat burglar was more than just a petty thief, she was his eyes and ears, his map maker, she was Hongjoong’s prized possession. I gained a good number of business details, the only problem was that I also began to learn about her, and how she’d be at school during the day- only a handful of people had seen her face and somehow, I had made it to the list.” Chuckling he placed the mask down, looking at Wooyoung who was busy setting the cutlery, “the first time I had seen her without her mask, I swear I froze up, I never thought I was religious but when I saw her, her gentle eyes to the slope of her nose to her flushed cheeks, I was sure of one thing, God really did make angels and I had just seen one in the flesh.” Wooyoung paused at the statement, only mere minutes ago he had held the same sentiments, but something else got to him too, which he bluntly put forth, “You fell for her?”

“Hard…I fell hard.”

“So …did you like…”

“No” he shook his head, “I was a hot-headed officer on my way to a promotion, like hell, I was going to give in to her, I entertained her fantasies but…never took any advantage of her, she made it difficult though,” he chuckled before sighing when Wooyoung sat down across him, plating the dishes, “I was at the precinct one-night when Hongjoong came over, offered a deal, he said, and I quote;

‘Congrats f*cker, you have my sister wrapped around your finger and she won’t let me make an example out of you, so I come with a deal, take me in- but remove her from all your papers, she never existed- ya got me?’

I didn’t think Seonghwa would agree, but even Sergeant Park Seonghwa was looking for a promotion, so we agreed, The next day we raided the HQ and got a good chunk of their top men, including Hongjoong and she was nowhere near in sight.”

“So you married her after?” Wooyoung asked, placing a bowl of rice in front of San who shook his head.

“No, I hated her, I felt like it was wrong, even if she wasn’t directly involved, she was being protected by the law. But who was I to argue? I remember, a few weeks later she came to see me at the precinct, I remember ignoring her and walking out, she literally followed after me, told me she was going to start on a clean slate, and that she could change for me.” He sighed, staring at his soup, cabbage soup, wow, maybe he should invite Wooyoung over more, “I feel like that was my fault because the very moment I told her that the sight of her disgusted me, every inch of my being hated her- she looked…so scared that night like she had lost her purpose.”

Frowning at him Wooyoung mumbled, “But…she wanted to change!”

“I know, I was a d*ck, I was arrogant, the youngest detective in the precinct, the golden boy, and she did change, went to school regularly, got her degree, hell she even got a decent job- she approached me again after that,” he sighed, before reaching to grab her plate, adding a good portion of rice and meat.

“Did you…you know, accept it?” Wooyoung asked before stuffing his face with the kimchi his wife had prepared for him, man an angel that can cook.

“No.” placing her plate down San glanced at the clock, she was gone for almost 40 minutes, must’ve been in the tub, “Worse, I led her to the worst night of her life, I broke her. We met at a club, by accident of course, I never went to clubs anyway, but when I got promoted to Sergeant, Seonghwa was simultaneously promoted to Captain, and they took us to celebrate. I met her there, she was out with some friends- she approached me, sweet as ever, though I bit back, told her to get lost, that I wouldn’t even care if she even disappeared off the planet.”

Wooyoung visibly winced at the choice of words, truly amazed by the harshness of his superior, especially after witnessing the love he had for his wife, waiting for him to continue.

“I lost her that night, only saw her getting in a cab with her friends, saw the guys too- honestly I thought to myself that night ‘so much for I love you San’. But that was my fault, I should’ve noticed how her eyes were clouded, I should’ve seen how her so-called friends were carrying her stumbling form, how they were handling her, how the guys were touching her.” He paused before letting out a shaky breath, “The next morning I remember reading an online article about another horrendous case, only this time, I knew the victim. I went to Seonghwa, the first thing I could do but he had beaten me to it, he had taken the case to the superiors who had shut it down, you know why?” he asked Wooyoung.

“Because it involved rich kids?”

“Not just any rich kids, Minister Lee’s useless son and his friends- honestly, I was more horrified by the fact that the girls were in on it, the case was closed before it even reached court. I couldn’t let it go though, I tried to contact her, but she wouldn’t even let me see her at the hospital, the nurses told me to leave and when I pushed my way through…I saw not my angel in her glory, but someone whose wings were ripped off- the way she looked at me that day, it’s like she could see through me, with the same disgust I showed to her for several years.”

“What did you do?”

“The only thing I could do, I went to Hongjoong.”

“Did he…”

“Beat me up? Yeah, the man runs the prison too, and I was foolish enough to tell him that I had met with his sister before the crime, and while he was busy breaking my fingers he asked me this one question, ‘Who does your system serve? A rich kid with STDs or a civilian girl trying to rebuild her life?’ I know that was all it took for me, for Seonghwa, that’s when we realised this is more than just some way of life, no, we were wearing the badges of honour, but we were on the wrong side.”

“Then?”

“I don’t know, he beat me up so bad I was knocked out when I woke up, I remember Seonghwa standing by my hospital bed, asking me, ‘Do you want to do the right thing?’ and I said yes. The next thing I knew as soon as I could walk again, I was at her apartment, she didn’t let me in though, but I never stopped, I’d go there each night, sit outside her door, listening to her cry at the other end. One day though, when I was about to ring the doorbell she opened the door, looked up at me, and asked me, why I’d come every night and honestly the only explanation I had was, that if there was one person, I’d give up everything for, it would be her.”

Sighing he chugged down a glass of cold water, “Things were…okay, Seonghwa and I became part of the crew, unofficially of course, we still did our jobs, she still went to work, we bought an apartment together, lived together, did everything’s couples would do. One night she asked me if I’d still love her if she took back what they took from her, she wanted to burn out the fire and there was only one way…”

“What did you…say?”

“I said I’d protect her either way.”

“So…his son didn’t technically…”

“No, he didn’t decide to end his life, she did.” He shrugged, “Who was I to stop her, I am merely her husband and her bodyguard.”

“Wait.” Wooyoung cleared his throat, “So…why did you two…I mean- what- this entire week? Why’d you fight?”

“Oh- that!” shaking his head San sighed, “Obviously Hongjoong wasn’t done with his act of vengeance, I told him it was stupid and reckless and rejected the idea, it's been years and we needed her to not think about it anymore. Though I was supposed to assign two officers for tonight’s duty, and then last week my maps were missing, I suspected it was her, that she gave them to her brother and we fought…she was angry, I was scared of losing her again and well things escalated- I didn’t believe her, until last night, that’s why I removed Officer Song as your partner for tonight, even if Hongjoong wasn’t involved, I didn’t want to risk any chances of her being there- I knew she stopped after she took his son’s life, but knowing how the two crave for blood of the rich, I needed to be sure I’d keep her out of any danger”

“Sannie!” she called out, the padding of her bear feet echoed across the floor as she came running into the kitchen, both men turning to look at her, though Wooyoung instantly looked away, clearing his throat and San sighed, “Where are your pants?”

“Pants?” tilting her head, a bit confused she looked down at her usual sleepwear, his shirt, it was big enough, covered her till her thighs, plus she was wearing her undies, “Forget that- look, did you know Joong’s gonna come visit us tomorrow?”

Choking on his spit, Wooyoung turned to stare at her wide-eyed, what did she just say?

“What???”

“Kitten, what are you saying,” gesturing for her to come closer, she sat down beside San, eying the food before showing San the food, “Apparently Minister Lee’s house caught fire- crisp like burnt chicken I hear,” she giggled before turning to smile at Wooyoung, that smug smile reminding her of a sly cat, “Didn’t know you could cook.”

Forcing a smile Wooyoung muttered, “I can, Mrs.Choi.”

“Thank you for the meal.”

“Anytime.”

“Holy shit…” San sighed, “Seonghwa is gonna have a stroke, I swear- did you- did you do this??” he turned to look at her, sighing and reaching to grab her empty glass and filling it with water as she shook her head, “No, of course not, I told you I didn’t even know the layout of his house.”

“Then what were you doing there?” he asked, finally, the right question Wooyoung thought to himself.

“Because I knew you’d be there.”

San felt like his heart was about to combust, wanting to fall into her palm, letting her squeeze it to her contentment, like a little girl with her favourite teddy bear.

“I knew you’d be there.” She smiled, leaning closer to grab his hand and admire the wedding band, right where it belonged, right where they belonged. Wooyoung could only smile in disgust, this act of pure, blind passion making him envious.

“Oh, he did text me though.”

The two men looked at her, waiting for her to speak up, but like any persistent, stubborn feline she had them wait, only continued when San poked her side, earning a giggle, “He said he wants to meet Offic- sorry- Detective Jung. Seonghwa approved of him too.”

“WHAT?” Wooyoung shrieked in disbelief earning a sigh from San, “Well, welcome to the team brat.”

“WAIT NO! I”

She giggled leaning over the table to smile at him, San’s arm instinctively wrapping around her frame, pulling her into him, “It can be our little secret~”

Taglist: @edenesth @mlysalt @spooo00oky @cereal-simp @yessa-vie @marsvillee

[tyudearyous]

echelons | chapter. 01, the dilemma

jung wooyoung x reader (kang hayoung) x choi san

hierarchy inspired universe or chaebol au

genre : angst, mess, mess, and mess, suggestive on later chapters, nearly no fluff but there would be some

warnings : chaebol main characters, character death (not mc), details of fights, child abuse, mentally grey characters

word count : 3.8k

taglist : @deltamoon666 (lmk if you want to be added!)

series masterlist | chapter. 0

...

good evening ladies and gentleman, this is Chung Ang daily bringing you breaking news from the Gangnam area. a body of a 17 year old was found in the back area of Seville Hills Club. the body was later presumed to be of a student from the prestigious elite high school, Joongshik High. it is unidentified whether the cause of the late student’s death was murder or accident. the police are still opening investigations and we will keep you updated.

the tv is turned off.

“kang hayoung. do you understand why i called you here?” the headmaster speaks. you already had a feeling on why you were called here. it was because everybody and their mothers knew that you and the girl who was now dead, jung haejin were on horrible terms.

“yes, madam song. however, i genuinely don’t understand why is it only me here? i am not the only one on bad terms with haejin. if you take account of jeong sa-” “kang hayoung.” the headmaster silences you. you try your best to appear as nonchalant as possible. “yes, madam?” you asked with a smile.

“where were you during 7 PM on that thursday?” she asked you. “i was in front of the bar that kwon joosung owned” you honestly replied. “was it near Seville? and what exactly happened?” she asked you once again.

the headmaster is definitely suspecting you for murdering haejin, which you absolutely didn’t do. “yes, 4 blocks near Seville? i don’t remember the details because i’ve never went to Seville and before you suspect me madam, i want to ask you a question. why me?” you walked closer to her and looked straight at her eyes.

“kang hayoung, everyone knows how you and haejin are. i’m doing this to protect you. if you did it, we can silence everyone. we have the power, hayoung.” she assures you. “excuse me?” you gasped offendedly.

“madam, i didn’t do anything. it’s true that i had an argument with haejin at 7PM near joosung’s bar and yes i slapped her face until she bruised and yes i made her run away to who knows where but that was all i did. i’m not that evil to plan a murder for my enemies. if you think of me that way madam, i am deeply offended.” you exited the room in anger. you can’t believe the headmaster thought of you that lowly. you would never, NEVER wish that upon your greatest enemies.

…

“kang hayoung!” you shot your eyes up to glance at whoever called you. “you okay?” he immediately grabbed you and cupped your cheeks. it was your boyfriend, jung wooyoung. “do you think i did it?” you stared at him dead in the eyes. he was visibly taken aback. “no honey, i know you won’t” he then brought you in for a hug. “i know you won’t stoop that low, i trust you hayoung-ah, i trust you, okay?” he started to pat your head. for a second, you let loose and let yourself stay in his embrace but the second your rationality came, you pulled back. earning a confused look on his face.

“let’s break up, woo” you said. wooyoung was visibly confused that his eyes were so round it was screaming countless whys to you. “hayoung-ah, why? we can talk about it? yeah? don’t be like this, come on hayoung-ah” you avoided all of his attempts to hold you close to him. “i can’t do this right now, wooyoung. understand me please.” you left wooyoung, confused, heartbroken. he tried to hold you but all of his attempts failed. it was for the best, you thought.

after leaving wooyoung, you made your way to the student council room. you were the student council president, so you had the control honestly. when you opened the door, everyone gathered there. it seems like they were discussing about you and haejin.

“yo, kang hayoung!” soojin shouted. everyone in the room immediately moved their heads to look at you. you took a big sigh before making your way to the couch everyone sat. “i know what you’re thinking but i have nothing to do about it.” you crossed your arms and sighed again.

“i don’t understand how everyone is you know? all pitting it to you” mingi stated. it was truly weird. well, everyone knew you were on bad terms with haejin but how did you become the main suspect of this all? you can’t wrap your head around that.

“maybe it’s because she have a public feud with her?” yunho answered mingi. mingi still wasn’t happy with yunho’s analogy. “still, hayoung isn’t even with her that day” mingi frowned his eyebrows.

“i was with her but only up until 7 PM” you clarified. everyone suddenly became silent. “i look so suspicious right now don’t i?” you laughed sarcastically. “ah this is such a shitty situation” you screamed and ruffled your hair.

“madam song is suspicious of me, everyone is suspicious of me. heck i don’t even know how everyone suddenly knew i was the last person with her” you were visibly distressed. “have you tried to talk to the police?” yunho asked you. you shook your head.

“you should try asking for the cctv footage, it should help you clear your name” yunho advised you. “but yunho, joosung would try to hide it, won’t he?” everyone fell into another silence. joosung’s personality is well known as… rough to say the least? he thinks he’s on top of the world. he has money, true but no one is really on his side. however, money rules.

“no, it has only been 3 days hayoung-ah. my father is in the police, i can help” soojin held your hands reassuring you. “wait a second, let me ask him” you tried stopping soojin but soojin’s father picked up fast.

“ah! pa! can i ask you something?” soojin asked to her father. “you know regarding the seville bar incident? do you like have the cctv footage?” soojin asked. for a while, her father didn’t seem like he would give her the footage. it was confidential information but again, you needed it but luck wasn’t on your side because soojin’s father refused to give her the footage.

soojin tried to reason with her father but nothing was working. “ah soojin-ah, instead of that. you know kang hayoung right?” soojin froze. she immediately looked at you and asked her father why he was looking for you. not long after, soojin gave you her phone.

“good afternoon, mr seo” you greeted her father. “ah yes, kang hayoung. this is regarding the seville incident. will you be available for a calling? we will make it private, don’t worry” he asked you. you saw this coming from a mile away but actually hearing about it scares you even more. you tried to act tough though and started scheduling a session. after some time, you both agreed on doing the investigations on wednesday. this meant you only had two days to prepare yourself for the worst.

“wish me luck” you laughed sarcastically after ending your phone call with soojin’s father. everyone in the room was visibly worried for you. you just smiled to them and assured them that things are going to be okay (hopefully). if there was nobody you could trust, the 3 of them were the only ones you’d trust. soojin and you grew up together while yunho and mingi were your ride or dies since primary school. you trust your entire life to them, you truly do.

“i’ll be alright, i can handle this” you reassured them once again. you truly hope your words would be reality.

…

1 unread message from papa

your heart stopped when you noticed your dad messaged you. if you ignored it, you’d only be in more trouble so you opened the notification.

papa : go home today, we have to talk.

if your soul could physically exit your body, it would probably. you felt your legs becoming weak and breathing felt harder than ever for you.

kang hayoung, was all a facade made by your father. heck, your real name isn’t even kang hayoung and you aren’t even his child to begin with. your mother brought you to the house as a baby one day and your father decided to cover up your entire identity because it brought shame to him. you were an embarrassment to him. thus he created kang hayoung, the perfect heir to TK Holdings who is always the queen bee every where she went. the kang hayoung who could do anything and still be excused. the kang hayoung who everybody wanted to be. the perfect kang hayoung that would compensate for your brother’s inability to surpass his expectations.

you : i will go home at 4

your message was left on read. it was always like this but what can you do? you had no choice but to oblige. freedom isn’t even an option for you. soon after you finished your student council duties, you immediately packed your bags to go home. however, in front of the office, there stood wooyoung.

“hayoung-ah” he immediately called out to you as you exited the office. he looked like he has been crying the whole day. his eyes were swollen and his nose was red. your heart crushed at the sight of him being like this but you really don’t want to involve him into your own mess. “woo, i need to go. i’m sorry but my point still stands” and you left him again for the second time. you had to, you tried convincing yourself but in the end, tears fell out of your eyes. it hurt, it hurts so bad, but you can’t afford to bring him into your own troubles.

…

“you’re home yeah. stand here.” your father ushered you to stand in front of him. you kept your eyes on the floor because you knew, whatever he was trying to talk to you with isn’t positive and certainly he would- pang! oh. a sharp stinging pain was felt on your cheeks. you were sure it immediately caused your cheeks to become red and perhaps if he went more, you’d have bruises. pang, pang, pang. a slap was landed after one another. you winced at the pain and closed your eyes shut.

“i told you to do whatever you want but not kill someone, y/n!” he screamed at you. tears were welling up on your eyes by this point. “how low do you want to stoop? have you lost your mind?” your father slapped your head. “i didn’t do it” you mustered up your courage to try to explain it to him.

“then why the fuck did madam song call me in the middle of the day to say all that shit to me?” he was furious. you only looked at his eyes, hoping he wouldn’t believe madam song. “explain it, y/n. do you have no mouth?” you shook your head before staring right at him.

“i have bad terms with haejin and she got killed 2 days ago after meeting me. pa, if you don’t believe me go ask mr. kwon. he drove me there and he knew what happened. i only fought with haejin at 7 PM but after that i left immediately. haejin’s body was found on 9 PM, not 7 PM and by 7.30 PM i was already going home. you can look at the car history too if you want. you can ask the apartment security. you can ask everybody you trust more than me. i didn’t do it, i really didn’t” you were holding back your tears trying to explain yourself. your father’s expression was one you couldn’t understand. he probably wasn’t on your side but he didn’t want to go further because he know he would get violent and you still had school tomorrow.

“what an embarrassment.” he sighed exasperatedly and left the living room going to his own room, slamming the door in response. you then broke down. you were so scared, it all felt like shit. complete shit. why did no one believe you? how did you even became the prime suspect of this all when you didn’t even do anything? it hurts, it hurts. soon after, your vision became blurry and everything suddenly became dark. you wish this was it.

…

ouch

you felt something pressed up to your bruised cheeks. you slowly opened your eyes and tried to get up but you were hit with a horrid migraine. you closed your eyes shut before opening them again. turns out yeosang noticed you fainting and carried you to his room. “you feeling okay?” yeosang asked you. “you think?” you sarcastically replied to him.

“here, use this to compress and eat this” yeosang gave you the ice pack and offered you some porridge. “did you buy this?” you asked him before opening the porridge, he only nodded in response. it was very obviously store bought but you were happy. at least your only brother cared for you. “i heard everything and i trust you” yeosang assured you. you smiled to him in response. “thank you, yeosang” you digged in to the porridge he gave you.

at least you had yeosang in your family who cared for you, you thought.

“you wanna go back?” yeosang asked and you nodded. he swiftly called mr. kwon to pick you up and tidied up your things for you.

“yeo” you called out to him. “what?” he asked. “thank you, really.” he only nodded in response.

…

it has been roughly 24 hours after all that fiasco that happened with your father. you’re now sitting in a cafe, waiting for soojin’s father to arrive. you both agreed to not do it in the police station because that would cause even more headline to the case, whilst the case was actively being silenced because it involved Joongshik and also children of the elites. you were sitting on the corner seat of the cafe where the couch are high enough to cover your face. you sat there, wearing black sunglasses and fidgeting with the straw of the overpriced matcha you bought. he was taking longer than you thought but there’s no backing away. thankfully, he arrived after being late for around 15 minutes.

“kang hayoung right? i apologize. there were matters i had to attend to” you stood up and bowed to greet soojin’s father. he swiftly takes a seat in the couch in front of you before giving an envelope to you.

“it would be great if you could look through these first before i ask any questions, yes?” he tells you to open it, which you did. inside the envelope was a 20 page case summary, full with all the suspects the detectives had and also the witnesses’ testimonies. you swiftly took off your sunglasses and started reading the document.

“i forgot, my name seo hyukjae. i am soojin’s father and i am also a part of the national detective team. rest assured hayoung-ah, you are in safe hands” he reassured you with a smile. “thank you, sir” you resumed to reading the documents again.

there were parts that mentioned you in the witness testimonies and you weren’t the only suspect. almost everyone in the school was a suspect in the case. there were even chronologies made by the police through the cctv footages. it was a lot to take in.

“so, what do you think?” he asked you, leaning forward to the table, showing great interest in your response to everything. this was probably a test from him to start off his investigations.

“i don’t have much to say for i am a suspect here, am i wrong sir?” you asked him, which he nodded with a smile. “however, i would like to defend myself. it’s true i was on bad terms with haejin and we had several physical altercations before. even before that, i had a physical fight with her at 7PM, 4 blocks before Seville Hills Club. we fought because she was blackmailing me about my relationship with jung wooyoung. my father is a rather strict man, so that struck a nerve to me. so i slapped her, because she dared to blackmail me. i slapped her again and again, then she fought back so we fought but then she suddenly shoved me to the ground and ran away. i didn’t know what came to her, so after everything i went back home.” you continued. this story wasn’t in the documents somehow, but it could be because you were fighting in a closed area where there probably wasn’t any cctv active.

“there are no cctv footages of this though… hm” he took a big sigh before looking at the documents again. “i have a voice recording” you slid a recorder pen to him. he took it and analyzed it before playing the audio in it.

…

“you bitch” you grabbed haejin’s collar to drag her to an empty area where you could knock some sense into her head. you then threw her to a wall and slapped her face once.

“kang hayoung! do you really not know your place?” haejin screamed while covering her cheeks.

“i should be the one asking you, you know that?” you grabbed her collar once again.

“i have the power here. i can ruin your entire life you know? with just you and wooyoung? hayoung-ah, not everything will go your way” haejin taunts you which made you slap her once again, and again, and again.

haejin then fought back by pushing you away and slapping you in return. constant shrieks of pain and slapping could be heard through the audio. well, you were fighting so there should be those sounds.

“huh?” haejin suddenly stopped. “what? realize your position now?” you taunt her. she suddenly pushed you away, causing you to fall.

“what are you doing, jung haejin… huh?” haejin suddenly steps back and ran away. your confusion and her loud footsteps could be heard clearly through the audio.

…

“so, you are saying jung haejin ran away suddenly during your fight?” soojin’s father asked you and you nodded. “it was as if she just saw a ghost, her eyes became wide and she stopped fighting back. i tried to look at what she saw but i saw nothing. my back also was hurting from the fall. i don’t understand why she did that but since it was getting late and i was hurting from all the fighting, i went home around 7.30 PM. i already left by that time so i genuinely don’t understand how this case links up to me” you explained yourself while leaning back to the couch.

“i will take this to the department to use as an evidence” he asked you to consent to the audio being used as an evidence. “please do, sir. if it clears up my name i will provide anything” you let him take it.

“do you perhaps have proof that you were already home before 8 PM?” he asked you. you asked him to wait while you scroll on your phone. thankfully, you took pictures of your bruising from the fight right at 7.52 PM. “here, i have them” you gave your phone to him while he assessed the proof you had. “is this from the fight?” he asked and you nodded.

“alright, i think you should be safe with these for the time being. since we’re here, i would like to ask you about some of the other suspects. do you know kwon joosung?” you nodded. “sir, i am the student council president so of course i know him” you joked to lighten up the mood.

“are you aware that he also owns Seville Hills?” you shook your head. this was a new revelation. everyone knew joosung’s family owned the bar 4 blocks before Seville and also is the place you and haejin had the physical altercation. nobody knew that joosung owned Seville though. but things slowly made sense to you, why your fight with haejin was undocumented. joosung owned the rights to the cctv recordings near that area and everything, thus why it was a tough case.

“did you struggle with cctv footages because joosung refused to hand them over?” you asked soojin’s father. he sighed and nodded in response. it was enough answer for you to know, joosung had a play in all of this.

“i am suspecting he has a part in this but it’s hard to budge him because i’m sure you know, hayoung-ah” soojin’s father complained to you. joosung is a filthy rich kid, his family owns business here and there and they’re basically immune to the law somehow. you’re sure that his family owns a mafia or something.

the entire questioning session went by well. soojin’s father continued to ask for informations and you gave him as much as you can since it would also help clearing out your name. you were glad that at least, things should be better for you right?

…

“kang hayoung” madam song called you to her room. “yes, maam?” you asked her. you don’t know why you’re called back to her room but nonetheless, you hoped it wasn’t about haejin again.

“as the student council president, you know what to do when a new student transfers right?” she asked you. “yes, madam” you responded.

“good, the heir of CI Enterprises will be transferring here by tomorrow but he wants to have a taste of the environment first today, so you will be accompanying him. any objections?” she asked you while glancing at the windows, visibly waiting for the new kid’s arrival. “no, madam” you replied. “oh, he has arrived” she immediately ushers you to go down to greet the new kid and you followed suit.

when you arrived down to the entrance, madam song immediately hugged the kid and greeted him with a full smile but when you saw his face, oh. he’s good looking, you thought. he greeted madam song with a full smile too before looking at your way. you were taken aback as you locked eyes with him. you bowed slightly to greet him and smiled back at him. for a second his smile changed into, something you couldn’t understand but you shrugged it off.

“sannie, this is kang hayoung. she is the student council president of Joongshik High. hayoung-ah, this is choi san, the new kid you’d be helping with.” madam song ushered you to come closer.

“it’s nice to meet you, i’m kang hayoung” you offered your hand to do a hand shake. he accepted your offer and shook your hand.

“it’s choi san, a pleasure to meet you.”

to be continued.

[downbadreading]

Ateez fic recs

some of this is mature themed so MDNI!

first of all, there's a lot more and i will edit it time by time! thanks for the authors for writing such a great fic that make me enjoy reading so muchh

my main fic recs is here!

THE LEGENDARY FIC IS MIST OF CELESTE BY @hongism (m)

-i've been dying to do this i always think whenever i do my own fic recs this fic MUST be on the very top because it's insane i'm telling you who never heard of moc???

OT8 / ateez x reader

SUBTLE VARIATIONS OF HEARTBREAK by @nonclassyparty (m)

please read this. I am begging. the heartbreak i feel for each chapter??? INSANE. MUST READ AND REREAD.

the answer by @berryunho (m)

A CULT. A HOT CULT LEADER YET I AM ONE THE VERGE TO CRY BECAUSE HOW GOOD IT IS.

into the aurora by @honeyhotteoks (m)

this is so cute. super cute. i'm having emotional attach. btw part 2 is coming soon so if you're done with the first part, stay tuned! it's a poly ateez fics!

like the moon by @sunmoonjune

poly ateez x female oc. i love this. i love bug. i want to protect her so badly i will kill for her. what i really like about this fic is it's so wholesome. read this and you will understand, I SWEAR.

Seonghwa

love is gone by @ateezmakemeweep (m)

i have no words. it's not yet done, but i really love this story. there's another must read story SO PLEASE CHECK THE MASTERLIST

read for me by @pirateprincessblog (m)

(fem reader x best friend's father) this one heheheh it's so fucking hot like you don't get it it's just another tier i'm kicking the ceiling jaw on the floor while reading it.

Wallflower by @tenelkadjowrites

This is not just a sexual thing between an officemate okay it's more than that because i'm so invested on this story. mc and nerdy hwa is so cute and sexy when it come to the time there's four part of this fic!

Accidental Destiny by @hoonieversed (crying throwing up because this blog has been deactivated)

based on how to train your dragon and YEAH IT'S TOOTHLESS HWA (shifter) with healer reader i love the concept

Hongjoong

paradise lost by @setsugekka (m)

i will cry. this fic is so special to me because it changes my reading style and that's how good it is. i remember all the reread session i did before this because I AM OBSESSED.

bla bla bla by @yoongiseesawmp3 (m)

Stylist reader x idol hongjoong their relationship make me wanna cry it's sooooooo good

game of thrones au by @wordstro (m) eventually i think

I'm a sucker for got. even for hod. a fic starring my favourite group with my favourite series? i'm super duper in. there's one part leave from this fic, it contains four part! (and i'm not ready for the ending yet actually)

yunho

the meaning of 'jeong' by @hwaightme

ANYONE JUST KICK ME THIS IS SO URHHHHHH HOW DO I SAY THIS YOU MUST READ IT FIRST AND THEN WELCOME TO A ROLLERCOASTE RIDE OF EMOTIONS

yeosang

laces by @ttalgiwooyu (M)

This makes me blush for soooo long i wanna die. and read it again.

san

ginger and cinnamon tea by @cheollipop (m)

THIS ONE IS SUPER CUTE. AND HOT sick san and caring partner (along with woo's nonsense idea) this is a must read!

2 a.m. || Choi San by @mingigoo (m)

where do i start? idol san with make up artis reader is so hot.

in this place, full of lies: series masterlist by @wordstro (m)

i'm on my knees. the impact this series have on me. the fact i read it on one sitting and it takes hours. YET SO WORTH IT. I LOVE IT. SO MUCH. TO THE CORE. this one is post-apocalyptic world, and i love it.

Say what you want,be my people pleaser by @chokchokk

Still ongoing but the writer can have my kidney for this story I'm so invested you don't understand this is the falling with your fwb when he doesn't (yet idk it's my wild guess) and conflict here and there my I love this way tooooo much

mingi

series 2: sector one of itpfol by @wordstro

-this one is still ongoing and not yet started but it's on a same masterlist as the s1 with different y/n BUT IT'S ON ITPFOL UNIVERSE SO FIGHT ME

wooyoung

i wish you would by @multiland (M)

THIS? so good. so fucking cute and wholesome and hot and bother me so much. reader here is like frustrated with woo because he keep flirting that lead to a situation (NOT GONNA SPOIL IT BUT HOLY SHIT)

° good lil boy by @sorryimananti-romantic

I read this fic at 3 in the morning. By the time I'm finished with it, it's nearly 4 (or past already) and I can't sleep because this fic is so super duper good. Prince wooyoung and princess y/n (different continent they're not related!!!) And I love their banter so much

jongho

PLEASE SUGGEST ME SOME

multi member

starring roles by @nonclassyparty (san and mingi) (m)

BIG CLAP FOR THIS ONE. you know this is more y/n centered like i couldn't care less with who she ended up with i want her to be happy and be her. i root for her and i will kick anyone who mess with her on their ass. (i do care ofc but you know what i mean y/n is everything for me!)

not all that glitter is gold by @the7thcrow (seonghwa, san, wooyoung and reader) (m)

a great storyline. a super duper great one. i can go on days about this fic and the backstory of each of them. IT'S INSANE! eventually poly!

[ao3feed-ateez]

Ice Shaver

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/CbucSN9 by TooMuchTrashInOnePerson Finally finding a place you belong to, you start making your dreams come true. But can you focus on the tasks as a handsome hockey player distracts you? A college romance between you and Yunho, based on this year's ATINY membership kit and fanmeeting theme. Warnings: Occasional mentions of adult themes and swear words Words: 1605, Chapters: 1/13, Language: English Fandoms: ATEEZ (Band) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Categories: F/M Characters: Jeong Yunho (ATEEZ), Original Female Character(s), Jung Wooyoung (ATEEZ), Choi San (ATEEZ), Choi Jongho (ATEEZ), Song Mingi (ATEEZ), Kang Yeosang (ATEEZ), Park Seonghwa, Kim Hongjoong, hunter (xikers), Christopher Bang, ENHYPEN - Character, Stray Kids - Character Relationships: Jeong Yunho x Reader, Jeong Yunho x Y/N, idolxreader, Yunho x MC Additional Tags: ATEEZ - Freeform, university romance read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/CbucSN9

[ldysmfrst]

I have a request~ what about San from Ateez getting paired up on a variety show with a designer that is getting popular in South Korea?? For plus size fashion? And I can totally see him just falling head over heels for her~ ^-^

Hello, my dearest reader!

I was so excited to write this for you. You have been my main support for a long time when it comes to my writing. Your thoughts and support are invaluable to me.

I am sorry it took so long to write it, but it is finally done!

Was it Fate?

I hope it is what you were looking for! This was my first time making a reader request and my first time writing a variety show-type fic!

[potatomountain]

TLaM Chapter 5

mutant reader x human ateez

Word count: 2.5k

Warnings: there will be potential triggers for anxiety and mental illnesses all throughout this story. Not all characters are nice at first.

AN: Here we get another one introduced :D woot! Also not all chapters are going to be long, a reminder a lot of the times i don't edit my works and that this is a slow burn, its going to take awhile for mc to meet and trust each of the eight but she’ll get there! 

This is a work of fiction, in particular Fan fiction, and in no way is this a representation or an accurate depiction of ATEEZ or any other idols/people used for this work.

Any feedback is always appreciated and adored! Comment on the masterlist to be added to the taglist &lt;3

Masterlist

previous | next

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While I knew I would go back to the tavern, doing so was a much harder task than I thought. My next weekly exam was upon me before I even got the courage to tell anyone I had gone to the tavern; but really who could I tell?

Considering how eager I was to rush out of the apartment to head to my Father's lab… I really needed an outlet. The friendly vibe of the tavern with the immediate acceptance by both of the humans and the small Typhon child was astonishing to me already. I couldn't help but to think what their motive was. Why were they friendly to me? What had I done to deserve it?

At least San's slightly less cold shoulder made sense, I had made an effort for that and now he didn't seem so hell bent on avoiding me. Sure he wouldn't say anything, but since my plea he had ventured into the living room when I was in there or didn't scurry off when I stepped in. On the one occasion I had asked him what he had been watching, purely curious, he had actually answered me. As well as awkwardly invite me to watch it with him. I knew neither of us were comfortable enough with each other just yet, so I had declined, but the thought had warmed my chest even if he hadn't wanted my presence there. 

Good things were earned, not given, especially to a Typhon. That was a decree I had drilled into my mind since I was young. Even still, there was a bitterness beneath my reasons, a question I found myself asking too often: why did my differences make me unworthy? 

There was a bit of comfort knowing I was not the only one like this, but like a double sided coin there was rage as to why we needed to prove ourselves so much.

I always found myself thinking these things on the train, the clear separation tugging at something deep within me I was scared to acknowledge… there would be no turning back if I did. That didn't make it go away however, the recent rise in my anxiety pushing those emotions closer and closer to the surface. 

Scared, I hoped Doctor Park would be the one examining me once more. My father expected results, and he wouldn't be too pleased with the lack of them. If I expressed the darkness blooming in my chest he would be even more upset. It was Doctor Park I could often confide in, and he would always rephrase it to my father in a way I could avoid repercussions.

Yet it was neither Doctor Park or my father who greeted me at the entrance to the lab. A short, stubby man but with a gentle smile greeted me instead: Doctor Choi Taemoo.

I bowed, and headed inside with him. Doctor Choi had been with my father for about 10 years or so, having gone into Typhon research because of my father, a man he respected. Because of that, he would often expect results like my father, lacking compassion. "Doctor Choi, are you holding the examination today?"

"Yes I am, your father is on a business trip with Jisoo." He smiled in my direction, tone neither friendly or harsh, just entirely business. "I heard he finally told you about his intentions?"

I nodded, a bit taken aback as I was ushered into the usual room. "Yes… are you related to Miss Jisoo by chance?" They did have the same surname; but I could be wrong.

"We had been related through marriage. Her first husband was my cousin." He turned his back to me while overlooking charts, giving me the most privacy they usually do as I stripped into the hospital gown I always wore. "Once he passed, we stayed close with JiSoo and San; I hear he is living with you now?"

"Yes."

"That must be unpleasant, San has a phobia of Typhon's."

"A phobia? Is there a reason?" Gown on, I turned to face the Doctor just as he turned.

He shrugged, motioning for me to climb onto the table. "Yes but I believe you should learn about that from him, as per your father's request I am not to tell you anything."

Perhaps it was my already high strung nerves but I hissed in annoyance. "Of course Doctor Kim requested that."

He lifted a brow and jotted down a few things on his clipboard. "You are unusually on edge… does it have to do with your living situation? Or about your adventure four days ago."

My stomach dropped as he eyed me critically, brow pulled into a frown. Ah, of course Seonghwa had told his father about my visit… was I perhaps involved in another social experiment for my father without realizing it? Was that what the tavern experience was? Another attempt to bridge the gap between myself and humans?

"Don't get it confused, your father was not happy about the idea but… he is leaving your social progress to Doctor Park and I for now so he didn't veto it either. That said, Doctor Park insists not to meddle with your time at that shelter, just that we get updates of when you visit, and if anything… worth mentioning happens. We are aware your nervous system is twice that of a mere human's, resulting in your spine mutation, so we need to know how you react to new environments and new things outside of the lab."

He seemed oblivious to my inner struggle, checking a few things off as he began his examination and checked some things off on his board. "Doctor Park said you had left the tavern in a hurry, and we refrained from reaching out to you so as not to overwhelm you further but it seems we should have." He paused when he peeled my gown back to look at my back, his tone lowered as he continued. "You're having a hard time keeping a full mask, Ty, I need to know what sort of things you are feeling to fry your nerves like this."

I hissed just thinking about home and San, feeling my spine move on agitation at the thoughts. "Overwhelmed. A lot of new things. My safe space isn't safe any more, Doctor Choi, I feel as if I have to be careful even in my sleep so as not to scare him. But then…" I thought of the tavern, my shoulders relaxing- I couldn't dislike the tavern. "The tavern was just new. They were friendly, and it was really good tea and tailored to a Typhon's tastes and needs. The subway is still separated, so I didn't expect a business to be so accommodating to Typhon's over humans."

He nodded, his fingers following the movement of my spine. "Did you like the tavern?"

I nodded without hesitation, pulling at the hem of the gown anxiously. "It was cozy… but I can't consider it a safe space just yet."

For a moment we were both quiet, only the sound of pen on paper filled the silence as he jotted down notes. "So are you struggling with socializing then? Feeling uncomfortable in another humans presence?"

I nodded. "Learning to trust another person is nerve-wracking, Doctor Choi, I don't know what to talk about or how to make them comfortable with me or be comfortable around them. How do you connect with someone else like that?" 

Choi was silent, mulling over my words for some time. "I have an idea; how do you feel about texting or chatting with someone over the internet and working your way up to meeting them? Of course, being upfront about what you are to start, I think it will allow you to build some trust with another person, or well learn what that means to you at a comfortable pace. For example, you can try this method with San. Or a group chat with a few people?"

I frowned, then shrugged. "I've thought of it but I don't know where to start. I don't know anything about social media, or how to socialize online… where would I even look for someone to chat with? Dating apps?" A shiver ran down my back at the thought.

He chuckled, placing a hand on my knee in a comforting manner. "Then we should have you learn right? My son is a little younger than you, and he's San's cousin so… I'm going to give you his number and you can message him when you leave. I'll inform him of this exercise, probably pay him, but he will be nothing but genuine with you. I promise Ty."

Huffing, as much as it bugged me to have someone paid to talk to me, I knew I didn't have another option. "I suppose it is worth a shot."

"Splendid!" He set the clipboard aside and stepped back. "Shift and go work off your nerves in the observation room, then we'll feed you and check your weight and vitals once more." He headed for the room in question, leaving me to shift- I was already halfway there, our talk fresh on my mind.

Why was socializing hard? Was it like this for humans too? 

Or was I just wrong? 

. . .

Despite his instructions, I only stared at the new contact in my phone, having rewritten messages over and over but not a single one I sent.

Now it felt far too late and I could only stare at what I had written while in my bundle of blankets on my makeshift nest of a bed. Was it too much? A whole paragraph introducing myself and saying hello.

"Maybe I can save some face-" Quickly I added a second text, apologizing for my awkwardness. I hit send, anxiety twisting in my chest even more as I stared at the chat as if that would summon a reply.

After a minute of staring at the screen I tossed the phone aside with a hefty sigh. "This won't do…" I pulled myself out of the blankets and began shuffling around the room for some clean clothes and a towel-

Only to dive for my phone the moment I heard the text notification.

> I see I have my work cut out for me. You really didn't need to apologize. How many times did you type out your message? <

I paled, staring at the words and rereading them as if I'd find something I'm missing. "This is Jongho?" He was rather blunt but I don't think I dislike it.

Unsure of what to reply, I began to type out message after message once more, just to be interrupted by another text of his.

> you're doing it again. Just send the first one you type, it's the truest to your thoughts. <

I frowned, slowly sitting up and staring at the message. My thoughts? It feels no different than talking to his father.

> I'm sorry… I lost track of how many messages I typed out. I'll try and work on it. <

> good. I'm Jongho, I'll do my best to help you where I can. <

> pleasure to meet you Jongho- how do you plan to help me though? <

Like instructed I sent the first one I typed out, but stared at the chat still anxious it wasn't good enough or I said something wrong. Every message felt like that. Was I doing this right? Asking the right questions? Giving the right answers? 

> honestly I'm not sure. Dad just said you need a friend to help you with socializing. Typhon's don't have any friends? <

> No, at least not that I know of. We don't get to go to public school until we can mask and even then we are avoided or still raised as homeschooled. I really only have my father as he was my teacher, now my doctor and my boss- I think he would be my boss? <

> you think? <

> He pays me for the continuous participation in his research as his longest standing subject. If he asks me to do an experiment, I do it, and get proper compensation. <

This was territory I could handle as it was just describing my life, as boring as it is, but Jongho was replying quickly and asking questions in a way that just seemed curious. I couldn't see any malice or ill content in his replies, but if there was I was oblivious to it. Perhaps that was a good thing?

> I think I'm going to regret asking this but… Do you have any conversations with him or others outside of this work? <

Regret? My stomach twisted uncomfortably, back straightening as my nerves tingle. Was he regretting talking to me? > I'm sorry if you are regretting this, Jongho, but to answer your question no, I really haven't. People have spoken to me before, but they are usually not kind words. I can give you the details of the few times I have had proper conversation outside of the lab that wasn't unpleasant? They were mostly recent so I can recall them quite well. <

> no no, that's alright we don't have to talk in detail about that just yet. By the way, you are doing alright so far. Answering what I asked to the best of your abilities yeah? But you don't need to be so honest and open right off the bat. < A second text was sent right after. > I don't regret talking to you if that is what you mean, but I do feel a bit bad for taking money for this. I can't imagine how alone you felt. <

How alone I felt? Did I feel alone? I set my phone aside and stared at the wall across from me, covered in all sorts of pictures and posters and stickers of just random animals and things I had found cute. I couldn't recall having a picture with anyone before, or anyone but my father seeing my room or even stepping into the apartment; at least until San moved in. But that wasn't his choice.

Had I really been okay with the solitude and the isolation? The barriers put up between me and others that felt impossible to climb over right now? 

With blurry vision I picked the phone and stared at the fuzzy screen as I blinked back tears. > It is lonely, please teach me how to change it. I don't want to be alone anymore. <

My pure emotions just text block on a screen, but they stung enough that I found my clothes too much and began to strip, wanting to shower. Only as an afterthought did I think to inform him. > I am sorry but I need a moment to calm down. Can I text you tomorrow? <

> yeah… goodnight, I'll talk to you tomorrow < 

Was it silly to think this may be the first time someone had said good night to me? With the sudden ache in my chest, I wondered if it was true, which only fueled the tears more as I headed for the bathroom.

Loneliness felt horrible.

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Tag list:   @justhere4kpop  |  @hwaightme-recs  |  @candypop1611 | @legohwas |   @spooo00oky | @sanniessnails |  @babyhailey819   | @simplyalfie | @diamondjen03  | ask to be added <3

[ae-cow]

Find The Beauty (Duology)

Warning: Mentions of MCs having fertility issues (cannot get pregnant) and alopecia. NOT ACTUAL STORIES THESE ARE JUST IDEAS OF MINE. These are all works of fiction with nothing to do with the idol's actual life. I do like some feedback. If you ever feel like "Hey this is very offensive." do tell me.

Pairings: Yeosang x fem!reader, San x fem!reader

A/N: Honestly I was in a pretty bad place when I wrote these plots so *ehrm* but I do want to share these with others because it's about self-love 🥰

Masterlist © ae-cow. Do not claim, steal or repost. All rights reserved

(Im)perfect - Kang Yeosang

Written: 12 April 2024

Play on words. Imperfect but those imperfections make you perfect.

You have researched men to see if they have recessive genes that could affect their future child's life or how you observed how they treat people.

With everything right, you found yourself the perfect husband. Has no recessive genes that could possibly affect the child/family. He treats others with respect and is not a boy mom.

But all hell broke loose when you found out that all this time you've been trying to find that perfect man, you weren't perfect.

-

Fake Blonde Wig - Choi San

Written: 14 April 2024

You have alopecia and with all the wigs you had gotten, found the perfect one. It was a blonde wig, it was layered and reached your collarbone. You loved it so much that it brought not only a smile to your face but also to your family.

San and you had met by chance in the bar. As soon as San stepped foot into the bar, he instantly laid eyes on the blonde-haired lady. They skyrocketed from day one but you had not told San you had been wearing a wig.

After you overheard him say “I have a thing for blondes.”

How will things work out?

[bts-aera]

Profile: Choi Aera

Stage Name: Aera

Birth Name: Choi Aera

English Name: Ariel Choi

Position: Main Vocal, Lead Dancer, Sub Rapper, Face of the Group

Birthday: Dec 1, 1997

Birthplace: Seoul, South Korea

Height: 5'5

Representative Emoji: 🌸

Instagram: @lifeofaera

Facts

Lived in San José, California for 2 years when she was 11.

Is the older sister of Choi Yeonjun from the group Tomorrow x Together

Is very close with her brother (V Live)

Was part of the debut lineup in the beginning but was pulled off after Big Hit worried that it would jeopardize the possible success of their group.

Was re-added to BTS in early 2015 by Bang PD because he wanted to try something new.

Ended up shedding Bangtan Sonyeondan and used Beyond the Scene while promoting internationally since it translated to Bulletproof Boy Scouts.

She considers the maknae line to be her closest friends

Has the most numbers of famous people on her phone (Buzzfeed Puppy Interview)

Speaks English, Korean, and Japanese

Finds that languages are easy for her to learn so she is their personal translator when doing promotions in Japan

Has a fear of heights

She's the best drinker out of everyone (3.5 bottles of soju)

2NE1 is the reason she fell in love with kpop

Wanted to do something in the entertainment industry since she was little

Nicknames are Aeri, A, and little duck/duckie

She got the nickname little duck because during pre-debut she would practice until her body gave out and would end up waddling the next day because she was so sore.

Was a former SM Trainee

She is the most flexible member

She slept on the pull-out couch in their first dorm

Loves playing video games and will sometimes play games with ARMY (their fans)

Her favorite video games are Counter-Strike, The Last of Us, and Overwatch

Helped Jungkook pick out Bam for adoption

Is the member Bam loves the most (Jungkook V Live)

Plans to release her own mixtape

Would love to try acting at some point

Became close with a lot of idols during her time as an MC with Mingyu from Seventeen

Helps write a lot of the lyrics

Is considered the scariest member when shes mad (Arirang)

[kachiban]

Mysticmessenger x jibaku shounen hanako-kun ^-^

Going to do more of it soon~