#chilling before I start summer session of chemistry

[smol-stardust]

Hi!!! How's your day been :D

∞

“Don't try to change my mind/I'm being cruel to be kind”

-Love in the Dark by Adele

[bvstdknvckles]

( JACOB ELORDI, 20, HE/HIM ) class is in session for ALIX CRAWFORD. the student file says they are a WEREWOLF and that they belong to HOUSE FLARION, currently being a SECOND year, where they’ll study HEALING MAGIC.  |  c, 29, ast, she/her.

BIOGRAPHY

- alix was born and raised in calais, maine. his mom was a lawyer and his dad owned a carpentry business.  - though both of them were witches, and proud of their history, they had both chosen professions outside of magic. - his twin sister avery was probably the person he was closest to growing up, that or his paternal grandmother who also lived with the family.

- when he was in middle school, he was suspended after a fight with another kid in his grade.  tw therapy / violence mentions  since then, he has been seeing a therapist regularly to develop healthy coping mechanisms and outlets for some of his anger.  he mostly has a handle on it but there have some relapses. - he was always athletically gifted, even from a young age. he was the starting quarterback on the high school team and though his father wanted him to take over the family business, he always had his sights set on the NFL. he had a plan; go to a small college to save money, have recruits come out to see him, and transfer to one of the best schools with high draft rates. from there he’d be set, his life on the correct path. unfortunately things didn’t work out that way. - the summer after graduation, just weeks before he was set to go to college, he was at a bonfire with some friends. he was drunk, mouthed off at the wrong guy, and one thing led to another and he got bitten by a werewolf. at first he tried to deny it, even as the full moon approached, but by the time that fateful night rolled around there was no denying it.  as every bone in his body broke, anguished screams drowned out by the angry metal music he was blasting out in an abandoned shack near their house, he knew that this was something he’d have to keep to himself.  their parents could never know. witches themselves, you think they would have supported him... but he knew them well enough to know that they would hate it. even if they said they supported him, were there for them, he’d always see the pity in their eyes and he couldn’t deal with the thought of it. he swore his sister to secrecy, lied and said he had decided to go to arcanas of his own volition — they were witches after all — and that college could wait a few years. they were shocked but the lie was believable.  - he was an angry dude even before he got turned so that’s only been amplified since becoming a werewolf. he’s your stereotypical angry werewolf, i know, who sometimes doubles down with a heap of toxic masculinity. he’s on the soccer team and takes it very seriously and is constantly getting yelled at for tackling like they’re playing touch football and being too aggressive on the field.  it’s also not uncommon to see him pop off for little to no reason.  he’s still a baby wolf, he can’t control everything yet, and his emotions are all over the map as a result of it.   - tw: internalized homophobia  he’s always carried a lot of self-hatred around in him. it’s like his brain’s stuck on what he thinks he “should” want, and tries to manifest it so aggressively that he almost believes it. he’s had a long term girlfriend for years, someone he’s known since he was a teenager, and while they’re... not horrible, together, there’s no spark there. no chemistry. if he were being honest, he’d know it’s because he’s always felt about guys the way he wants to about girls but he’s not ready to come to terms with that just yet.  - despite the anger and the aggression, he’s actually very intelligent and introspective. he loves poetry and shakespeare but these aren’t things very many people — if any — know about him. - tw: substance abuse ish  alix also lowkey highkey takes calming potions infused with wolfsbane to chill him the fuck out sometimes. they numb him, hurt him, but they keep him from flying off the handle when things are getting really bad.  he’s extremely good at potions and always found that it and alchemy come by him relatively easy. 

--

AT A GLANCE

name: alix vaughn crawford.

age: 21.

gender: cis male.

pronouns: he/him.

sexuality: he’s definitely gay but he’s currently in the denial stage and therefore things that he’s heterosexual.

place of birth or where are they from: calais, me.

occupation: arcanas student / aspiring athlete.

APPEARANCE

faceclaim: jacob elordi.

height: 6′5″

physique: athletic/muscular.

eyes: hazel.

hair: light brown.

piercings: nipple piercing (left), hoop in his ear. 

tattoos: n/a.

scars: just the bite from the werewolf that turned him.

birthmark: he has a freckle/beauty mark on his upper chest beneath his pec. 

fashion style: sporty luxe? sweatpants and plain tees when he's staying in, fancy looking button downs with a leather jacket or his varsity jacket when he's going out. skinny jeans, never baggy ones.  will wear joggers and sweatpants though. impressive sneaker collection. 

perfume: 'eros' by versace. 

accessories: he's got an apple watch he wears that tracks his heart rate and shit. aside from that he's not big on accessories minus the thin gold chain he wears under his clothes.

INTERESTS

hobbies: sports, video games, drinking, amateur carpentry. 

food: big pasta guy. loves carbs. ribs/chicken/deep dish pizza. favorite candy are starbursts. 

drinks: whiskey drinker, dr. pepper soda main. places: disney world. the family went every year since he was 3. 

music: alt rock. (imagine dragons/nickelback/citizen soldier/marianas trench) 

series: succession, friday night lights, weeds, smallville, killing eve, you're the worst, the politician, manifest. 

podcasts: inside of you with michael rosenbaum, stuff you should know, ESPN daily, stay hot: a sports podcast 

movies: eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, whiplash, the dark knight trilogy, the original spiderman trilogy, the amazing spiderman movies, the fast and the furious movies, when the game stands tall, we are marshall, remember the titans, the longest yard 

literature:  he'd never admit it but he's into poetry. the only thing he'll admit to reading is probably harry potter.

PERSONALITY

positive traits: determined, hardworking, resilient, charismatic, entrepreneurial 

negative traits: stubborn, hot-headed, impulsive, impatient, selfish, overbearing, lacking empathy 

how do they appear to other people? tbh his height makes him come off very intimidating. he has a tendency to be very serious when he's focused, and comes across pretty abrasive if you don't know him that well. he does have a wicked sense of humor though so when you get to know him, he's not quite so sharp around the edges. being a werewolf however does unfortunately make his temper run hot, even hotter than it did pre-bite, so when he gets mad? he gets mad. he does have coping strategies but they don’t, uh, always work. 

how do they act when they're alone? tbh he's pretty chill. quiet, reads, or does something with his hands to keep himself occupied. 

zodiac sign: gemini baby / june 16.

mbti: ISTP

MENTAL

education:  graduated from high school in calais, me.  he fully intended on going to college in portland after graduation but he ended up going to arcanas instead. 

literacy: well-educated 

languages: english, spanish 

disorders: adhd, generalized anxiety, and no official diagnosis but he has been in therapy for years for anger management issues / aggression.   

phobias: enclosed spaces, serious injury, his own feelings lol

CLUBS & CLASSES

track team, soccer, writing & poetry 

specialty magic in alchemy & transfiguration, healing magic, potions, & spell casting.

[jinterlude]

Stargaze

↳ Header is made by yours truly, and the photo used can be found here.

—Pairing: Seokjin x Reader (female OC) —Genre(s): Fluff, Humor, & Slight-Romance —AUs/Tropes: Established Relationship, Non-Idol!, College, Astrophysics Major!Seokjin, Pre-Med!Reader, Childhood friends, F2L —Warning(s)/Rating: None / G —Word Count: 1,079 —Summary: After a chaotic academic semester, you and Seokjin decided to finally have a romantic date consisting of stargazing. Of course, it wouldn’t be a normal date for the two of you without some playful antics thrown into the mix.

—A/N: Hello guys! After not writing for almost two weeks, I am back with this drabble fulfilling two drink requests! The first request was by a cute little anon who wanted, Seokjin + Hot Chocolate, and the second request was by @houseofarmanto​​ who wanted, Seokjin + Vodka, so I thought why not kill two birds with one stone and combine it both since I usually do it anyway lol Seokjin will always stir Fluff and Comedic factors in me, I’M SORRY! Anyway, I hope you guys like it! As always, feedback (constructive and/or positive) is always welcome!

Also, this is written for @bangtan-dreamland​​​​​​‘s Drinks + Drabbles game! Thank you Eris and BHQ for creating this fun net game!

“Are you listening to a word I’m saying, princess?” A voice penetrates your thoughts, breaking you away from the flood of worse case scenarios. 

You move your face; the fresh strands of grass brush against your soft cheek as your tired gaze lands on your boyfriend. 

With a small smile, you softly shake your head.

“I’m sorry, Jinnie, but you lost me during your rather passionate explanation of why Sagittarius always aims his arrow at Scorpio.” You say, softly chuckling. 

Seokjin makes a noise. His face visibly displeased with your lack of attention. An entertaining idea pops into his head while the corners of his mouth slowly turn upwards, resulting in this sly smirk to appear on his handsome face. 

Luckily, you quickly catch onto his devious plan. It’s one of the many joys of being Seokjin’s girlfriend for almost five years. Yet you can’t help wonder why you guys have been dating for a while—especially since the stupid stuff that Seokjin does always drives you crazy. 

Oh, that’s right. 

No one else can understand you as your childhood best friend does. 

And thankfully, the feeling is mutual between you two. 

Slowly scooting away from Seokjin, you stifle the laughter that brews within your chest, ignoring the fact that the grass is slightly damp, and you’re wearing shorts on this beautiful summer night. 

A few whines escape your lips as your mind becomes plagued with the fact that grass stains are hard to get out of clothes, and you wanted to wear those shorts again sometime during the week. 

Without a second thought, you grab a fistful of grass and chuck it at Seokjin, causing the poor boy to quickly spit out the pieces that sadly went into his mouth. He begins to wipe his tongue, hoping that the disgusting taste will leave. As he does so, Seokjin hears sounds of uncontrollable laughter following a thud as you fall to the ground, clutching your stomach as all the muscles in that region start to hurt. 

Boy, you can’t remember the last time you’ve laughed this hard. Honestly, it’s kind of refreshing, especially after the never-ending studying sessions with your classmates for your Chemistry final. This stargazing date is also yours and Seokjin’s first serious date in months. 

How pathetic is that for a couple who are in the STEM field? 

Completely…

Utterly…

Pathetic…

Finally calming down, you quickly wipe away any remaining tears as you sniffle a few times before walking up to the handsome fool that you call a boyfriend. 

An amused sigh escapes you as you place a warm and loving hand on your boyfriend’s back as he continues gagging. The foul taste of grass forever haunts his taste bud. 

Oops…

“Okay. Stupid question, but are you okay?” You ask through tiny chuckles that are leftover from your earlier laughing fit. 

Seokjin narrows his eyes, not saying a word to you. 

You raise a brow, taking a step back. This odd silence isn’t sitting right with you. Why? It’s usually what happens after your boyfriend’s strange, reserved demeanor. 

Suddenly, a look of complete and utter dread washes over you. You then hold up your hands in surrender, spouting apology after apology. 

“Remember, Jinnie. We came out to this beautiful field to look at the stars!” You shout, pointing towards the gorgeous night sky, “And, you said that you had a surprise for me!” You quickly add, panic settling in nicely in the pit of your stomach. 

Seokjin casually shrugs, further fueling your fear as he closes the gap between your bodies. 

“Well, I did, but since you thought it was nice to throw some grass at me, which a majority of it landed in my mouth by the way, so…” He trails on, locking his gaze onto you like a spy focusing on his assigned target, “You have ten seconds to get a good head start before I come after you.” He blankly states, sending chills down your spine. 

You smile nervously, “Has anyone told you that you’d be an amazing actor?” You try flattering him in hopes that it will lessen your punishment. 

“Five seconds left.”

“Oh, come on! In all of our years of knowing each other, you decide that now it bothers you that I finally—”

Seokjin interrupts you, dashing towards you. You shriek as you hold out your arms, stupidly thinking that you can stop a man who’s 5’10”. Suddenly, his hands latch onto your wrists and effortlessly, he pulls you towards him. Then, he wraps his arms around your waist before hoisting you up and putting your body on his broad shoulder. 

“This is embarrassing!” 

“Nonsense. You always said that you loved how wide my shoulders were, so I thought why not carry you like a sack of potatoes!” 

You slap his back playfully, rolling your eyes. 

“Did you just call me a potato?” 

You feel Seokjin’s body vibrate slightly. Yup. The handsome dork is laughing at your comment. 

Rude. 

And to add salt to the wound, Seokjin begins spinning around. You quickly shut your eyes. A few whines leave your lips as you plead with him to stop. 

“Okay, princess. I’ll stop,” A wave of relief washes over you, “But, you have to say that I’m the most handsome and amazing boyfriend you ever had and that you love me to the moon and back.” And that feeling of relief vanishes and agitation replaces it after Seokjin says that. 

“Or. You put me down and I don’t grab your crotch and pull up as hard as I can.” 

Without a second thought, Seokjin gently places your feet on the ground, but his hands remain anchored on your waist. 

Your eyes narrow as you try your hardest to maintain the angry expression on your face. Though, as the seconds roll by, it’s proven difficult. 

The corners of your mouth curve up, revealing a bright smile.

“Thank you, Jinnie,” You wrap your arms around his neck, pulling his face towards you so that your foreheads touch, “Honestly. Thank you for tonight.” You softly say before pressing your lips against his, leaving a sweet yet loving kiss. 

Seokjin smiles, “You don’t have to thank me, princess. It will always be an honor to take you out on a date.” 

“Wow. That has to be the most loving yet cheesiest thing you’ve ever said to me. Kudos.”

“And I just made you fall more in love with me because of it, right?”

“Eh. Debatable.” 

“Ouch.”

Stargaze is copyright 2020 by jinterlude, all rights reserved.

[min30am]

Does the music you listen to shape your perception of the world?

Immediately, yes. Definitely, no doubt. I pretty often link songs to different times in my life or places or specific events or people. It’s actually more difficult for me not to do that. 

Hotline Bling - driving back up del Este, or back to the parking lot for mock trial practice at 5pm. It’s the winter months usually, so it’s pretty dark out at that point. Quick snacks from the local Quickly are always a good bet, or Chipotle of course. Bright classroom lights, hearing the rest of the trial drag on in the adjacent room while the pre-trial attorneys hang out doing nothing really in the room facing the street. 

Starboy - we’re in an Uber to the ice rink in Oakland, it’s the evening after Yule Ball. We met at my first ever Halloween party but I’m decently sure I like you; I’d pretty much broken up with someone else that same night, over speaker phone with more than a few friends eavesdropping in our room. Anyway, we’re in the backseat of the Uber and you mention that you really like this song, and you start singing along and it’s cute- cute enough to make an impression. You turn out to be a really really good skater, and you don’t leave my side all night even though I’m an awful one. 

Under the Cover of Darkness - first time hanging out with a few people just having a jam session with our mix of guitars. A slightly condescending guy who’s good at solos teaches me a set and decides he thinks I’m a fast learner. Flattering enough. 

Out of My League - I looped the Fitz and the Tantrums album that this belongs to that summer that I spent painting the house kokong built at Marcy’s. There was a lot of detailed work that went into it, and I sketched the designs meticulously in pencil before going over it with the metallic paint shades I’d picked out. 

You & Me - this particular Disclosure song was really popular but after that one YouTube comment talking about how the highs were screechingly, painfully high, I could never listen to it without being way too aware of that. Thanks, whoever that was. 

Location - this was a song I generally really liked when it was in its hayday, but it’s had a little bit of a different flavor and nice comfortable blue bit of nostalgia ever since Eli told me he associated it with me. 

High You Are - the height of my Youtube playlist days, barring the AMVs with Linkin Park songs. I had another Odesza song that I linked to this one, Say My Name featuring Zyra. Great times, definitely middle school and early high school. 

Tennis Court, Wires, King - all linked to the same person, listening to these songs by the stairs at the far end of the high school on a shared pair of wired earphones after school, blue skies and mild breezes and radiant sun off the metal handrails. 

Fell in Love With a Girl - hilariously coincidental lyrics, thanks for this one. 

Trndsttr - driving back from the hospital, specifically in the morning after drop-offs at work. It’s cold and not too bright yet, but the sun will definitely be in my eyes on the drive back up toward the fountain intersection. My contacts are cooperating at least. 

One Time - that one concert we went to with Kou, pretty spontaneously but it was pretty good. Cool venue too.

My Funny Valentine - listening to this on the bus to Loch Ness, the same trip I believe that we hit heavy traffic on the winding road back toward Glasgow. There’s a beautiful lake at the bottom of the hill that our road spans, lots of the richest green you’ve ever seen in trees. The whole Ella album was pretty popular that trip, and this particular song felt like an inside joke to listen to next to you. 

Love Galore - we’re up by the Sutro Tower parked in a little dusty area by a few other cars that made the winding drive up. The view is pretty clear and definitely impressive, we’re trying to identify things and you’ve already finished telling me a long made-up story about how the tower works- which I believed because you, after all, have a masters in engineering. 

Foreplay, IV. Sweatpants - it’s first year and we spend all our free time meeting up at night just to freeze our asses off because we’re talking and it’s so easy and so funny and we don’t want to go home. It’s the 2am campanile talks at the bench, where we move at the pace of kdramas. It’s sitting by the now-renamed boalt hall, I’ve never met anyone I clicked with better and I still won’t say I’m in love.

Cheese & Wine - bro forreal your dad’s an asshole. seriously.

TALK ME DOWN - senior year of high school, you’re obsessed with Troye Sivan but he’s pretty good so no one in the car complains. Our friend group is hanging out so often at boba and coffee places and just talking nonstop, we have every class together pretty much and so many small things happen in that last year. 

Girls That Dance - that overcrowded, cozy, compact dorm room on the eighth floor. We’re there so often, you always pick me up from mine and we walk or bike down together, sometimes we take the shuttle. Jerry is always there, always greets us and talks to us about his nephew and his life. We have Olay by the mirror near the door, which I discover serves as a bit of a primer and is SPF15. We make ramen and Jess uses your desktop to play games while we watch Netflix movies in your top bunk. 

Cardiac Arrest - I, like the monumental asshole I am, make it a point to finish chemistry lab in the morning as quickly as possible so I can be the first person to leave every time. I always play this song as I’m going up those curved wide stairs to take that little bridge back up to the castle on the hill. I almost invariably get back to my room and waste all the time I saved by finishing early. 

Liquor Locker - chilling at lab, doing what I’m supposed to be doing between classes or meetings. Dilution calculations are scribbled in my green lab notebook. I’m responsible for many colonies of single-cell babies but at least a quarter of my attention is on the bus tracker while I run the math in my head. 

Shutter Island - we’re all at the Vevo Halloween concert together in a gigantic warehouse on the water’s edge. I’m absolutely taken with the singer and thus starts a pretty long infatuation with her music. No one else agrees, they definitely think she was the worst of the night. Fair enough. 

GOLD - we’re in the backseat of his car and he and his girlfriend are great. We already had dinner all together that one night before the concert- a vibe check - and now we’re in San Jose to check out a viewpoint where you and I just enjoy each other’s company. It’s our first double date(s) really, and it’s pretty great. 

Trois Gymnopédies - honestly, such a great song but I deadass sought it out after seeing it on a sad parrot video. 10/10

Heebiejeebies - definitely love this song but I don’t know if I can listen to anything from this album without remembering how you were so ready to start a fight at that concert. Again. 

If We Ever Meet Again - I have really strong feelings of being on a field trip associated with this song somehow. 

[ryder616]

I’m Quake, Destroyer of Worlds, and I need some lovin’!

Sometime over the week-end, in the belly of the Lighthouse...

Daisy Johnson, aka Quake, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., former leader of the Secret Warriors, former acting director of S.H.I.E.L.D., hacker extraordinaire and all around badass with currently too much time on her hands due to lack of screen time, is pacing in her room, a cellphone pressed on her right ear. She's very animated and her whole posture screams of impending violence.

“No, Maurissa, now you listen to me...I want him, okay? And you guys owe me, BIG TIME. You have made my life nothing but misery and heartbreaks for six straight years and this is when it stops.”

Maurissa Tancharoen, co-creator and co-executive producer of Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D is in her Los Angeles office and is trying to stir the conversation away from unpleasant topics: “C'mon Daisy, you're a superhero, you can sort of fly and if we had the budget for it it'll take at least a couple of Avengers, the strong ones, to pose a challenge to you. What more can you want?”

“I want smoochies! - Daisy whines, sounding remarkably like a bratty teenager - Mack's hugs are nice and all but this is getting ridiculous. First you never let me hook up with the one cast member I have off the scale chemistry with...bt dubs, would it have killed you, a few weeks back when you had us high out of our minds, to at least let us have some private fun times? - a cute, devilish smirk  creases Daisy's mouth - I sure would have liked for dear Fitz to stumble upon that particular memory during their mind prison couples therapy sessions...”

On the other end of the line, Maurissa shakes her head and covers a little shudder: “Yes, I am in fact quite sure that it would have killed us – she says in a dry tone – those FitzSimmons shippers, you think they're all nice and fluffy because they call you captain...don't be fooled for a second”.

“Then you made me crush on the Nazi Traitor...”, continues Daisy, choosing to ignore the implications, her voice now full of outrage.

“But we did let you shoot him, four times!”

That gives the young woman pause: “Okay, yes, that was fun – she admits – but then you killed off the superhot black dude for additional emotional pain, because getting terrifying destructive powers and being called an abomination and a thing, hunted and shot at apparently wasn't enough, and I didn't even get to make out with him once before he crumbled to pieces! And to top off that lovely series of events, you killed my mom and erase my dad's memories, making me an orphan again!”

“It speaks to your resilience that... - starts Maurissa, trying to butter her character's ego up but Daisy is having none of it.

“Shut up! You also killed the nicest of the scruffy looking white dudes you seem fixated to pair me with and set it up so that I would blame myself for it. Well, thank you for that, best time ever! And while I was emoing all around L.A. wearing leather in summer, you brought in this hot latino guy who's actually pretty unkillable and all we got to do is trading meaningful glances before he crossed into some hellish dimension, never to be seen again!”

“Well – interjects the writer/producer – you know, he's getting his own show now, so, maybe...”

“I'm not finished! - Daisy silences her again – shall we talk about last season? Stuck under miserable lighting, a bunch of weirdos trying to convince me it was my fault Earth cracked open, enslaved by Blue Man Group, followed around by yet another scruffy white dude with a lemon fetish and terrible choice of body spray, that little operation game you got Fitz to play, half of my friends being super mean to me and, oh, my second dad died, so now I'm an orphan thrice!”

Maurissa tries with logic: “Daisy, be reasonable, it's a Mutant Enemy show, everyone goes through terrible things and is pretty miserable all the time, it's just how we roll...”

“Maybe you should just roll a joint and chill, that might improve both of our lives, have you ever thought about that? - Daisy sasses - Anyway, I don't care. I want the cute Agent I saved this week from that dude with the fire breath (bt-dubs wtf was up with that? Are we getting dragons now?). I want him and I want him to be fine by the end of the show, even if he's just a fling because he's apparently spent a lot of time with Deke which doesn't exactly speak in his favor so I'm not sure I will really like him, you know, long term.

But I. Want. Him. No strings attached. No self-sacrificing deaths. No betrayals. No emotional gut punches. No “we can't be together because stupid reason” like you did to Mack & Yo-Yo - I'm gonna fix that, btw, you just wait. Are we clear?”

“Now, Daisy – Maurissa says, dripping condescension – you realize you're a fictional character and we are your writers, there's a certain imbalance of power here, you can't just...”

“Shut up – Daisy is on a roll and she simply won't have it – you will do this or I swear on my purple highlights that I will guilt trip FitzSimmons into creating a dimensional portal to the Real World (tm) and I will quake that fourth wall so hard, it will feel like California is finally having her Big One and crumbling onto the ocean floor!

Get. To. Work.

I'm Quake, Destroyer of Worlds, and I need some lovin'!”

[adventures-in-poly]

Ooh boy, it has been a long time since I’ve written.

It’s the same old story again. Not much of my life lately has been explicitly “about” poly. I’ve had lots of challenges this summer, and poly just isn’t really one of them. And not even because I’ve “overcome all my concerns” or anything like that -- far from it. I’m sort of at a stalemate. But there hasn’t been any new partners or dates in my ‘cule, so... not much going on there.

At the same time, I find myself prevented from writing about anything else. A part of me would like to believe people would still read my posts if they weren’t connected to poly, but let’s be real. Most of y’all are here for that one reason, for how my experiences with poly connect to your own. Perhaps I’ve dug myself into a hole here by making a single-topic blog. And then if I were to write on any other blog, there’s always the chance that the topic of poly could come up, and without that prefacing, I might feel uncomfortable bringing it up. Like how I require that therapists I see be poly-friendly, even if I never talk about poly in any of our sessions. It could always come up, and it’s so out of the ordinary that I don’t want to give myself any reason to feel uncomfortable, or any reason to hold back.

Last time I wrote was in May. Since then, I’ve started on antidepressants. And let me tell you: getting over that initial hump was hard. Possibly one of the harder things I’ve had to do ever. I was in complete fatigue and brain fog for about two months. I didn’t really care about anything and didn’t have much of the ability to stay awake. I’ve known about my generalized anxiety disorder for 9 years, but I only just connected the dots that I have depression as well, and getting used to a new mental illness + a new overhaul of symptoms when trying to combat the two made me more depressed. (But hey, at least I wasn’t anxious!) I’m over that part now, thank god. I’m not sure if the meds are helping, but they aren’t hurting anymore.

During that time, Pokeboy ended things with me. I mean. It kind of sucked, but I got over it. He said we didn’t have chemistry, and he wasn’t exactly wrong. I wanted it to work. On paper everything about our potential relationship was great. But it’s like some dots were not connected. We haven’t talked since then, but we didn’t really talk before we got together, so nothing super lost there. Just kind of bittersweet I guess. Back to normal life.

I’m still with Crow, and with my husband M of course. Things with both of them are still amazing. It’s really great to know that with all the bullshit about health and work and stuff, at least my romantic relationships are solid. I don’t get to see Crow very often, but I don’t feel like that’s threatening our relationship, and that’s a huge weight off my shoulders. I’ve lost friends that way. I’m just not good at keeping up contact, but I never stop caring about people. Just a lot of the time my non-contact gets perceived as non-caring, and things turn hostile, and I turn icy-slash-anxious, and the whole thing falls apart. Crow is chill enough to know that’s not the case, and lights just enough of a metaphorical fire under my ass to get up and see him sometimes. And M is of course wonderful as always, still so supportive and snuggly. We live together so I see him all the time every day, and that’s the way I like it.

I’ve been with Crow for almost 3 years, and with M for over 6 years. It’s weird to think that the two relationships I’m currently in are the longest I’ve ever been in. How the hell did that happen.

Work has been... challenging. I don’t like to talk about work here, so let’s just leave it at that.

Aside from all that, I’ve been trying to do something with my weekend every weekend, even if that something is to get in the car and buy shoes or buy plants or even go to the park. Just something to get me off my ass. I’ve watched an obscene amount of America’s Next Top Model this summer (thanks, Hulu), but I’ve also held true to my “do something with every weekend” plan.

This weekend, it was... shoes.

Oh well. Can’t win ‘em all.

P.S.: I was about to title this post “Adventures in Depression”, until I remembered the amazing two-part comic series of the same name. If you haven’t seen these, I highly recommend giving them a read.

[nalu-week]

Scars

(NaLu Week Flaws Prompt- 7/3/17)

To the outside world, the pretty blonde was almost perfect.  Smart and beautiful, she made friends quickly, got along with almost anyone whether a nerd or from the popular clique.  For years she successfully hid her inner demons but by 16 it was becoming more and more difficult.  No one save her best friend at Magnolia High had any clue what secrets lay beneath the smile…

It had really started by the age of 4 when her mother Layla passed away from cancer.  Her father, who was never very affectionate to begin with grew ever more distant and the older she got, the more she was convinced that he blamed her for her mother’s death; no worse, sometimes she’d blame herself too.  With no friend’s around to interact with and only the servants to talk to, a cancer of its own took hold in the little girl; depression. 

She would steel herself away in her room for hours, reading or surfing the internet and on one of these occasions she googled ‘suicide’, ‘depression’, and ‘chat room’.  Of course, most of the sites that appeared were about getting help and prevention but one chat, the one she zeroed in on was for people who openly talked about what they did to deal with their depression; and not in a good way.  That’s when the cutting began. 

When her 9th birthday rolled around and her father forgot all about it, a chain reaction of emotions flooded the young girl, voices in her fragile mind screaming for her to end the suffering.  Stealing a bottle of pain killers from her father’s room she swallowed a handful. 

It was her nanny that found her unconscious next to the open bottle.

Finally forced to act, her father sends her to the best child psychologist in Magnolia and slowly she began to heal emotionally.  As part of the therapy process, she was enrolled in public school so she could interact with other kids her age; friendship, the doctor told her dad, can be one of the best tools in fighting depression.

Luckily for Lucy, the first girl she encountered turned out to be just what the doctor ordered.  Levy, was a sweet, smart, friendly girl who quickly gravitated to the new student and soon the two were the best of friends; maybe more like sisters.  After a few months, it was during a sleepover at Levy’s home that she finally felt comfortable enough to reveal her painful past.  Much to her relief, her friend was not only understanding but supportive in a way that Lucy’s never felt before.  Even the scars that marred parts of her body didn’t frighten her friend.  And with this positive encouragement Lucy began to blossom into the girl she was always meant to be.

This went on for the next 6 years and Lucy was doing well but now the girls had entered high school and all the typical issues teenagers face.  School work was harder, that didn’t bother her; social standing, she didn’t have problems there; but body consciousness, that was an issue; peer pressure to start dating, that was a major concern.  Sure, she’d had crushes, been asked out by boys, but either she’d turn them down, or never really pursed such relationships because she didn’t want them to see the scars.  She had worked so hard to build a decent reputation for herself but there was always that anxiety that the wrong person would find out about her past and stigmatize her for it or worse… 

When Levy started dating a boy named Gajeel, she encouraged Lucy to do the same, “We could double date.”

“I don’t know Levy, most of the guys seem to only be interested in…. and I don’t want anyone to see… you know what.” 

“You just need to find the right guy Lu, I know he’s somewhere out there.”

“I hope so too.”

“What about the one from your chemistry class that often smiles at you, he seems nice.”

“You mean Natsu?  Yeah, I think he’s hot but I don’t know much about him.”

“According to Cana and Lis, he was adopted when he was a baby but he doesn’t let that bother him.  They said he’s a really sweet guy, but never had a girlfriend ‘cause he said he’s looking for someone special.  Makes me think he’s not like the typical guys we know.”

“Still, I don’t know…”

“Aaaand…” she drags out the word, “…they said, he asked about you…”

“He asked them about me?!”

Levy grins, “Yup, asked them what were you really like, you know nice, mean, blah blah, blah.  And when they told him you were sweet, he asked if you were single.”

Lucy’s face lights up with a tinge of pink.  “So, what they tell him?!”

“Of course they said you are.”

“And??”

“And what, they said he just smiled and left it at that.” 

“Great so what does it all mean?”

“I have no idea Lu; my crystal ball is broken.”

“Ha, ha.  Very funny Levy.”

“I’m sure you’ll find out eventually.  So, wanna go to the mall after school?”

“Sure, I’ve been wanting to check out the summer collection at Forever 21, but I’m supposed to see my therapist at 3.”

“Why don’t you meet me there afterwards, the sessions only like 30 minutes right?”

“Yeah, I can get to the mall by 4, I’ll text you when I arrive.”

“Great.  I’ll see you then.”

Lucy’s feeling great after her therapy session.  Routinely it’s just a check-up by the doctor to make sure everything is going fine in the girl’s life, and aside from a few minor things, all is running smoothly.  Arriving at the mall, she gets onto the escalator and starts texting Levy.

‘Just got here, heading up to the food court now.’

‘I’m by the Cold Stone Creamery.’

‘See you in a mi..’  So focused on the screen Lucy doesn’t realize she’s at the end of the escalator; she trips and starts to fall backwards.  A startled scream involuntarily erupts from her only to cut off seconds later.  “Oomp!” as she lands on something, or rather on someone…

“Hey are you okay?”  Asks a sexy voice as he helps her off the moving stairs.

“I, yeah, thanks to…”  her voice trailing off when she looks up and sees pink hair.  Her cheeks instantly turn red, “Thanks to you I’m okay.”   

“It was my pleasure,” the boy gives her a cheeky grin.  “You’re Lucy right?  From chemistry class?”

She nods, “And y-your Natsu.” 

“What brings you to the mall today?”

“Oh, I um am meeting my friend Levy at the food court.”

“Mind if I walk with you, I was heading that way too.”

“S-sure.”

He sticks out his left arm, “Shall we?”  Blushing again, she weaves her arm through the crook of his.  ‘He’s such a gentleman!’  After a couple minutes of walking he breaks the silence.  “You know Luce, it’s funny I ran into you today ‘cause there was something I wanted to ask you.” 

She tenses a little, remembering her conversation earlier with Levy.  “Oh?”  she mutters, “What did you want to ask me?”

“Are you free Saturday night?”

“I-I um…”

“Yes, she is.”  Levy appears in front of them.  Lucy blinks her eyes and looks around them, she hadn’t realized they were already at the Food court. 

“I-I am?”  is all Lucy can manage to stammer out.

“Yes, you are.”  Levy turns to Natsu, “Be good to my friend or I’ll sick your cousin on you.” 

Natsu salutes Levy, “Yes ma’am!” 

“Tch, Smart ass.”  She turns and winks at Lucy who’s still a bit flabbergasted, “Lu, I’ll see you in school tomorrow.”  And skips away smirking.

“Sh-she planned this, didn’t she??”

“Huh,” Natsu turns to the girl who’s still holding onto his arm and runs his right hand nervously through his hair, “Oh yeah sorry, I was nervous about approaching you so she and my cousin set up this meeting.”

“Cousin?”

“Gajeel.  She didn’t tell you he’s my cousin?”  Lucy shakes her head.  “Well um… are you still hungry, where would you like to eat at?”  When she doesn’t respond he teases her.  “Luce I’m not gonna bite ya.”

“Err,” she bites her lower lip and looks at the options around her, “how about Arby’s.”

“Arby’s it is!” 

For the next 3 hour’s the pair sits in a booth at the food court.  Long after having finished their meals, the two had found a lot to talk about and the longer this went on for the more at ease Lucy felt around the young man.  It wasn’t until the mall was ready to close that they finally made their way out. 

Parting at the front entrance, “So Luce, I’ll see you in school tomorrow?”

“Yup,” she smiles.  “If you want to, we always meet at the picnic tables in the front around 7 to chill before school starts.”

“Count me in,” he takes her hand and kisses it.  “Good night Lucy.”

She blushes, “Good night Natsu.”

~~~

It’s been 6 months since their first date and the young couple have become inseparable.  Even Levy is surprised on how quickly her friend let Natsu into her inner space, that’s not something she’s ever done before with a guy.  At first, she was a bit protective, always checking on them, always reminding Natsu that he ‘better not hurt her friend or else…’  But eventually she realized that there really was something special developing and could only hope that Lucy wouldn’t have another episode.  But true to his word, those fears were becoming a distant memory.

~~~

To mark their 1 year anniversary, Natsu takes Lucy out to dinner and a movie, then to his house to relax.  While his parents are downstairs in the living room, the couple head up to his bedroom and throw on some music.  But this always makes Lucy a little nervous, things had been going well with Natsu, and even though he’s never pushed her into anything uncomfortable, in the back of her mind she always worried.  They’ve made out a few times but he’s always respected her boundaries, never tried to grope at her, so she was torn.  She was falling hard for the young man and wanted to go further, but her fears always got in the way.  Levy and her therapist had started encouraging her to open up to Natsu, that he deserved the truth and if he truly cared about her he’d understand.  So, with Levy on call tonight, she planned to do just that.

Sitting on his bed, the couple are making out.  “Natsu…”  she whispers through the kisses.

“Yes Luce?”  he whispers back

“I need to tell you something.” 

He stops kissing her and cups her cheeks.  “You can tell me anything Luce.”  And pecks her lips again.

Her eyes glaze over.  “It’s um…” she sighs, “difficult for me to talk about my past and um… problems… and I’m really grateful that you’ve been so patient, never pushing me but I, I think it’s time I be honest with you.”

“Babe, if it’s too painful, you don’t need to do tell me…”

“No, I need to do this.”  She takes a deep breath… “I think it’ll be easier if I start from the beginning.” …and stands up.  Pacing next his bed as he listens intently to her ramble.  “My mother died from cancer when I was little and my dad was distant… no I believe he blamed me for her death like somehow I made her sick.  By the time I was 7, I was very depressed and I started to do things like cut myself to dull the pain…”  Tears start to trickle down her face.  “I was homeschooled, had no friends, no one to talk to…  I was so lonely.”  He reaches out and squeezes her hand to try and reassure her; this kind act makes her smile a little.  “Finally, on my 9th birthday when he forgot all about it I had a full nervous breakdown and tried to kill myself by overdosing on pain killers.”  She sees Natsu’s face cringe, but he squeezes her hand again.  “It was my nanny that found me and rushed me to the hospital; they said if I hadn’t been found I would have died within 30 minutes.”  She exhales again.  “After this my dad was forced to realize I had a problem and that’s when I started therapy, even our relationship got a little better.”  Natsu smiles.  “I was enrolled in public school as part of the therapy and Levy was the first friend I made.  It’s really thanks to her that I’m a lot better than I was before… She’s the only other person that knows the truth about me…”

“Lucy,” he pats the bed and she sits, “many of us have issues that we try to hide from the world or rather not think about.  Everyone thinks that I’m okay with having been adopted because I act like it doesn’t bother me but the truth is it took me a few years to accept it.  I wondered why my birth mom didn’t want me anymore.”  Exhale, “The adoption agency wouldn’t tell us anything so I just hoped that she had had a good reason, maybe she was a teenage mother who realized she couldn’t take care of me properly and rather me find a good home.  But luckily for me, I had supportive adoptive parents that made sure I felt loved and wanted, and eventually I realized it didn’t matter how my life started out, only what became of it.”

Lucy smiles and rubs his hand, “I don’t know what’s worse to deal with sometimes, the emotional or physical scars.  With cutting myself, the physical pain helped to dull out the emotional ones for short periods of time… But that created a new problem for me, it left me with a few physical scars that I’m… ashamed of.”

“Come here,” he pulls her onto his lap and wraps his arms around her.  “Do you know what attracted me to you?”  She shakes her head.  “I could tell there was something unique about you.  Not only are you beautiful on the outside, but on the inside as well.  And now knowing that you had been hiding all this pain yet was still able to somehow shine through tells me I was right; Lucy you truly are special.”

“You really think so?” her eyes twinkle

He nods and kisses her cheek.  “Will you show me your scars?”

She takes a deep breath and moves off his lap to turn and face him.  “I-I’d need to take off some of my clothes.”  He nods, gets off the bed, locks the door to his room, and returns to her side.  Slightly trembling, and with a blush to her cheeks for this is the first time she’s ever revealed her whole body to anyone, let alone a boy; she pulls her top off and capri’s leaving her in just a bra and panties.  Slowly she points them out, a few on her upper arms, these had been hidden by sleeves, a few on her abdomen between her navel and just under her boobs, and a few on her upper thighs.  “Now you know why I wear the kind of clothes I wear…”

He looks closer at the scars, trailing his fingers along some of them.  “Luce, I’m so sorry you had to go through this…” he has moisture in his eyes.  “But these…” he runs his fingers along the ones on her arm, “don’t make me love you any less.”

“Y-you l-love me?” she stammers

“Yes.” He grins.  “And not just like you.  I mean I’ve fallen head over heels in love with you, the sweet side, the crazy side, every part of you.” 

“Natsu…” she tears up more.

His smile brightens, “I think these could be like your badges of honor, to remind you that while life can be difficult at times you can survive and you can move on.  It may have taken you a few years to get to this point but this also gives you the ability to understand human nature in a way that most people will never fully comprehend.”

She cocks her head to the side, “I don’t understand.��

“You were lucky to have found a good therapist, and a good friend to help you through it but many therapists aren’t as good, or many patients just don’t trust them because in the patients mind they think, ‘how do you really know what I’m feeling?’  But when someone who has genuinely been through what they are going through tells them there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that is more powerful than anything a therapist can quote from a text book.”

“Wow…  I never thought of it that way.” Her face lights up, “How do you know so much about therapists?”

“I’ve been through a few too.  When I was younger I didn’t cut myself but I got into a lot of fights, I guess to let the anger out, and that’s where some of my scars come from.”

“Natsu, thank you for being so understanding…”

He caresses her cheek, “I just wanna see you happy Luce.” He kisses her softly, “I’d spend the rest of my life trying to keep a smile on your face…”

~~~

10 years later…  Dr. Lucy Dragneel PsyD opens a new practice in Magnolia specializing in child psychology.  Hung prominently above her desk is a sign; ‘Scars tell a story.  They are reminders of when life tried to knock you down… But failed.’

[suzyqrara]

Friday, Aug 2nd, 2019

So booty call mission is still there…haven’t gotten any booty since the last time I wrote.  But as for an update with the guy, I texted a few weeks ago: He texted me the next morning saying he did not have any service where he was at and hit me up a few days later.  I initiated drinks and we made plans to see each other.  He ended up canceling the date an hour before saying, his babysit canceled on him and he is trying to get another babysitter. Never followed through with me. He texted me the next day asking if I still ended up going out.  I said yes (even though, no I didn’t). Then he said he ended up going with his cousin because he didn’t think I was up for going out super late. (rolling my eyes). I left him alone and never really initiated that again.  He messaged me this past weekend.  We made plans to see each other at like 1 AM.  1 AM hit and he never replied to my text message of whether we are still chilling.  He messaged me the next morning saying he was with his cousin until 5 AM.  My dignity erased his number, didn’t reply obviously and I don’t plan on writing him back if he texts me again.  I think he is just really upset about last year and how I told him I wasn’t interested.  So, in a way, he is just getting his revenge by wasting my time.  But the mission is still in working progress, I have a few dates coming up and I hope something comes through for me.  There was one guy who I naturally flirted with and I have hopes for him but he seems like he will be flaking.  He said that he hasn’t been feeling well and he will get back to me about tonight.  There are three guys who are just stringing me along via text.  This means they have canceled on me apologetically multiple time saying there was a big emergency.  Now they are just my text pen pal buddies. There was one that I was excited to meet who said he was not ready to meet me.  (rolling my eyes) So I stopped talking to him completely.  I answer him when he messages me, but I never initiate. Then there is another who texts me every day but canceled on me twice with some bullshit and never rescheduled. He has been busy this week, so we didn’t talk much so I’m thinking pen paling is probably coming to an end.  Then the third is this one that I am supposed to meet tonight who said he hasn’t been feeling well.   Maybe the 2/3 have girlfriends but why still pursue me?...well kind of…why still text me every once in a while. But anyway, I am talking to multiple people so hopefully I will meet some of them soon.  I did meet somebody on an everyday type outing.  I met him in a child’s indoor playground place. We have had a few playdates together wit the kids and I talked to him on the phone one Wed night.  I am developing a crush.  I was seriously in the clouds all day yesterday just fantasizing about him. Innocent fantasizing like our first kiss and date.  That’s the problem of being kind of desperate. You never know if your crushes are legitimate crushes or it is the loneliness that has you hooked on the hope of being with somebody soon.  When we first met he asked for my number to get the kids together since they played well. When we had our recent playdate…in a water park… (I can’t believe I let him see me in a bathing suit and my hair wet…) He was talking about his single mom friends.  I didn’t say anything at the time, but I was thinking I wonder if he gets peoples numbers for playdates everywhere he goes. I really liked how he approached me and how we started to talk. The last time I liked how someone pursued me was with Cheron back in Kean (Btw he still hits me up every so often but I see his life and how he has 2 kids and he is still parting every weekend…like he doesn’t look like he is an involved father which turns me off completely). When someone takes charge in getting to know me it warms my heart and I instantly get attracted to them because that has only happened to me twice so far including indoor playground guy.  So, I really like how we started talking and I would much rather my love story be that I met my husband in an indoor playground and not online dating.   It just makes me feel more normal.  I always affiliated online dating with people who can not meet ppl in real life because they just don’t attract people. Plus, I don’t have much luck online… it's been 3 years since I signed up for Okcupid… and no success stories.  The longest I’ve dated 1 person has been for 4-6 dates which were last week’s potential booty call and this vulgar polish guy. (works overnight so not good booty call potential).

Anyway, when the indoor playground guy told me about his single mom friend, I didn’t say anything. Then when we talked on the phone on Wed he brought up another single mom friend and I asked him how many single mom friends does he have. Long story short, he realized that I may be assuming this is his natural way of meeting girls and he told me I was the first person he exchanged number with.  I believe him, no rolling eyes for that one.  He said his reasoning was because the kids played well together but I saw how he was grilling me hen he parked his car.  Whole head turned in my direction. (smiling)  We are supposed to see each other next week but I’m not sure if it is final because he initially made plans to go to six flags as our 4th playdate on Monday but then during the phone call he said he forgot about the plan he made with his single mom friend.  (Her husband is in prison) That when the conversation came up.  I believe him though…I don’t think he is doing anything with them at all.  I think they are truly just friends.  I sound crazy but I think he is really attracted to me.  I feel like he looks at me more than just a playdate option.  He and his son spend a lot of time with Mase and I.  He is proactive in planning out our next playdates, he wants to take mason and I to hurricane harbor in six flags.  I must really like him because there is no way I want to go to another waterpark, but I just want to see him.  I still can’t believe I went to the water park with him.  I think I also like the fact that I looked a mess when he met me and he still checked me out and asked for my number…for playdates…I didn’t straighten my hair that day, no make-up.  I literally went to an indoor park that day to apply for jobs and he took notice of me. That makes me feel so good if we end up being together because that means he was attracted to my natural mommy looking self.  No make-up, hair beautiful, no spank wearing mommy self.  I’m holding on to this story because I want this to be the story I tell my future babies how I met their father.  So he saw me in my bathing suit…hair wet…at the water park and he gave me such a nice kiss on the cheek when we said bye.  My body literally fell into his.  He also picked up mason with a breeze which made me die inside with attraction. He had a little struggle, but he did it as gracefully as a man could haha. There is a chance we won’t see each other next week but he said he will take me out for a celebration drink when I get a job offer and I am officially employed so that another excuse to see him.  I feel like when we have our first one to one date, I will make sure we make out.  My body probably won't allow me to go home with him but I need to make out it been two years since I made out with someone which ended up awkward because I don’t know what the fuck I was doing and neither did he apparently. (rolling eyes) so embarrassing and uncomfortable.  We had no intimate connection I think tats why it was super awkward hopefully I have one with this guy.  But the kiss on my cheek made me weak so maybe I’ll be passionate during our first make-out session. What would suck is I find out he doesn’t have feelings for me like that and he just wanted a play date for the summer...(laughs) but I can feel likes me and he is interested in me romantically.  I hope I’m not wrong cuz that would literally slap me across the face with embarrassment.  I have so much hope with guy…I feel like I’m on clouds when I think about him and us getting together romantically.  I really want him to be my next boyfriend…I hope it’s not the singleness of 5 years talking but I really want to be in a relationship with him.  When I meet people online and on our dates, I was looking for people that I can connect with and ultimately get in a relationship (emphasize “was” because not online dating is strictly to find who I can arrange booty call status with)  But its been 3 years and I’m ok with it maybe not happening.  I want to be in a relationship but I’m ok with waiting until I meet the person I have strong chemistry with.  But I really want him to be my next boyfriend because I feel like I got the connection I’ve been longing for on these sites.  I genuinely like him and thinking about him makes me feel nice. The men I’ve met, I didn’t have that feeling.  I did have it with the awkward make-out session guy.  He made my heart drop every date we’ve been on but we didn’t have natural intimate connection cuz that kiss was SO fucking awkward like wtf.  I felt so uncomfortable…I kept talking because it just didn’t feel right.  I blamed it on the fact that we were in the car but I think it was the situation. Maybe it was the car…IDK but I’m still mad of how fucking awkward it was.  For this guy I need to stop my nasty habit…That wouldn’t be fair for him to end up with a girl whose nasty as hell when she is alone just like I don’t deserve that either.  I’m taking small steps.  I relapsed a couple of hours ago but I didn’t do it all day yesterday.  1 time a day is better then 30 times a day. When I have negative thoughts or anxiety, the habit is my nicotine. It calms me down…I did it this early morning because I was thinking about what if he is not attracted to me and I’m over here falling in love with the idea of him liking me and I was also really mad mason woke up me.  It was like 4 AM.  Its 6 AM now.

When mason wakes me up I can never go back to sleep so I get really mad. He woke me up because he thought he had a snake in the room. Lmaoo. My baby  <3

Also, I heard the sound of the morning birds and it reminded me that this time last year I was in AC for the new hire orientation.  Then it reminded me of how I used to wake up before these fucking birds started singing and it just reminded me of my year as a teacher which was a negative thought.  But it felt good to know I don’t need to do it anymore.  Everyone is at the orientation posting it into their social media and I’m not. I’m free. Like for example, they had their open bar party last night and even though their stories make it look like they are living the life..I know it is only for 2 hours.  Yeh, you can drink all you want but you are left to leave the party at 10 drunk and you have to wake up early the next day for the 12-hour training that starts at 8am. (shakes my head)  What life is that?  That’s fucking stupid as hell.  I was so pissed last year.  I felt so…fucked.  They invited you to drink and drink and drink.  Then…left you with a “You don’t have to go home, but GTF outta here” message. But then I am reminded I am job-less and I am nervous I won't find a good job which became a negative thought.  So, I decided to go on here an write my thoughts while drinking coffee.  I just realized that this time last year was also Jessica’s bachelorette party weekend. <3

I have good hopeful news though.  I have two interviews next week.  One is a part-time job where I will be a caseworker for kids like SIve and Treyvon. Literally like a few hours a week but its good for my resume.  The other is a full-time position working as a case manager for children with developmental disabilities.  I think it is more so the same work I did at the group home only I go to their houses and teach them basic skills. It pays more than the office job so I am content to work here until I get a job that I have been dreaming of. Like DCPP type work, student advisor or school counselor. I need to work.  I feel like I am going to explode with the consistent anxiety of not know how I will pay for my next bills.  Part of me dies when I take money out of my savings. OMG…yesterday we went to Target and mason picked out a book bag for his first year in public school <3 <3 <3 I put it on his back to hold it until we pay for it.  I completely forgot about it and we walked out of the store with an unpaid backpack.  I realized it before we walked out of the store so I feel super guilty ☹  I didn’t go back to pay for it because we literally were three seconds away from walking out.  I hope I don’t get bad Karma for this ☹

[oboecop-blog1]

How did you study for the MCAT to get a good score?

I retook the MCAT - twice. The first time I took it, my heart wasn't in it. I didn't know why I was taking it. I felt like I was taking it because it was expected of me. My frustration with the exam bled into my relationships, resulting in a stressful loop of discouragement. As a result, my first scored exam back in August 2014 was pretty bad. Below 50th percentile. Below average. I don't know anyone who could give me a straight face and say "Great job, Nicholas! That's a great score!" I was NOT satisfied.

Fast-forward a year, I finished my undergraduate studies, claimed my degree in Chemistry and certificate in Philosophy, Politics and Economics from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, and went back home to Phoenix, AZ. My father took me out to lunch the next day that summer, where I expressed to him my doubts about medical school. He calmly looked at me and asked "Would we be having this conversation if you got a perfect score on the MCAT?" I didn't know how to answer him. In my heart, I felt "yes," but there was only one way to know for sure - I had to retake it. This time, I needed to give the effort I knew I could give - not for my father or anyone else, but purely for the freedom that comes with knowing I did my best. I wanted options. If I didn't go to medical school, I didn't want it to be because of some test. I felt imprisoned by the exam, and, more than anything, I wanted the freedom to choose my path, not have it chosen for me.

I worked as an analytical chemist during my first year out of college, so I signed up to take the MCAT in the winter of 2016. I thought I could balance a full-time work schedule with MCAT studying and other relationships and activities. Again, I was making the same prideful mistake. I was chasing some idealized path instead of walking the path based upon my own capability. So, the second time I took the test, I still wasn't ready. I took it anyways, didn't feel good about it at all, and ended up voiding the scores. I was humbled, frustrated, but determined.

Test #3 - June-August 2016 - two years after the first MCAT. I quit my job in June and studied 10 weeks straight. I committed 8 hours a day x 7 days/week x 10 weeks = 560 hours of studying. I realistically only put in 460 hours. But I knew I had to make every hour count AND also make it so that I didn’t burnout after week one. I would sleep at midnight and wake up at 6:30am as often as I could (sleep was key to make sure I didn’t burn out). I went for a walk every morning. Meditated. Drank a large bottle of cool water (it was in the Summer remember). Did pullups on the trees in the neighboring park. Stuffed weights in my backpack sometimes too. Said hi to the old ladies in the neighborhood who were awake walking their dogs. I came back home to shower. My eyes, body and mind were all ready to get to work.

I studied from 8am-3:30pm just like the real MCAT session, with a 30 minute lunch in between and a couple 10 minute breaks after 90 minutes of studying. (8am-9:30am study. 9:30am-9:40am break. 9:40am-11:15am study. 11:15–11:45am lunch. And so on). Then I would nap. Then I would exercise. Then I would cook and eat dinner. Then I would chill a bit. Then I would start studying again from 8:30pm-11:30pm with a 10 minute break in the middle. Then I would spend the next half hour just closing my eyes and thinking and dreaming and maybe talking to loved ones and writing something positive to myself in a little notebook I kept to keep my focus on what matters and throw away the rest. This ensured a good nights’ rest. Lights out at midnight and start the whole thing over again. **Notice how I “coated” my sleep - before sleeping and after waking up - with things that are positive and mentally relaxing (going for walks, saying hi to neighbors, doing pullups, drinking water, showering, meditating, reading, talking to loved ones, writing little notes, thinking, dreaming, focusing).

I would practice problems from Day 1. Analyze them thoroughly. Every word. Every phrase. Every little detail that I missed. Whether it was on the AAMC “list of topics to know” or NOT - I couldn’t care less. If I didn’t know it, I studied it. And I took a practice test every three days or so. In 10 weeks of studying that amounted to I believe 18 practice tests. The 19th test was the real thing. And it was like just another day at the office by that point.

I knew I was free the morning I walked into the testing center for the third time. I knew I put in the work. I knew I did my best, but that day was where I proved myself. I ended up improving my score so much that my percentile group increased by roughly 50 percentile points. As an example, my CARS score increased from 52% to 98%. Now I was satisfied.

If this is a story - then who was the villain? Me. What changed? I got out of my own way. I stopped rationalizing. I stopped biting off more than I could chew. I started enjoying the process of learning and growing as an independent thinker.

And that’s how I studied to get a good score.

To recap:

Learn to be more self-aware of when you DON’T know something

Study those things

Practice more passages to discover more and more and more and more things that you don’t know. Realize and get comfortable with the depth of your ignorance. There is no such thing as high yield. Remove that phrase from your mind.

And remember, this is my story. You might not be able to quit your job and study 10 weeks. So don’t! Take 15 weeks or 20 weeks! All these “schedules” are ARBITRARY. They are COMPLETELY SUBJECTIVE to you and your pace.

So yeah, go at your own pace. Practice from day 1. Read slowly (like a 3rd grader - I still read by tracing the words with my finger haha). Read with emotion. Discover what you don’t know. Study those things. Rinse and repeat. Speed will come with practice.

Lemme know if you need anything else, I could literally write a book on this. I hope this was helpful :)… I got sidetracked at work while typing this so I’m sure I may have lost my train of thought.

Good luck!

[themanguidemg]

5 Best Albums of July 2017

It seems like we’ve lost a musician every single month this year. This past month Linkin Park’s Chester Bennington passed away. Rest in peace and thank you for all your musical contributions. At the very tail end of June, we saw Jay Z had dropped a surprise album which made it on this month’s list. Good music was in no shortage of diversity as artists like Lana Del Rey, Nine Inch Nails, Borealism, Chronixx and Niia all released solid albums. However, only 5 can make the list.

These are TMG’s 5 best albums from this past month.

Jay Z – 4:44

(Album Of The Month)

After all the hype and rumors, Jay Z’s 4:44 didn’t disappoint in the slightest. In some ways, 4:44 is the complete anti-thesis to his last album, Magna Carta Holy Grail. Jay no longer attempts to chase sounds or make club bangers. Sean Carter doesn’t waste a single bar in this album, like an expert marksman, every shot he takes has a purpose. In his 21 year career, Jay Z has never released an album as personal or as vulnerable as 4:44. The entire album is produced by yet another veteran in the game, No I.D., who provides soulful backdrops with hard hitting drums. Jay hasn’t rapped over this much consistent production since The Black Album.

Of course some of the viral moments relate to his infidelity to Beyonce, “You almost went Eric Benet, let the baddest girl in the world get away”. Through out the albums there are plenty moments like this where Jay just lays it all out in a way where his honesty cuts through to make the track bleed. On Kill Jay Z, he airs out drama between him and Kanye West before checking him in a ways that only a big brother could. Even where Jay shows off his usual braggadocio swagger, it comes off more as giving financial advice rather than bragging about his riches.

More so, if you want even more insight on this album, Jay has given his fans personal footnotes regarding each song in order to add more layers to the album. It’s a great move by the veteran that connects his audience closer to his mentality after releasing music for over two decades. This is definite grown man rap and an album that takes repeated listens to be truly appreciated. Jay shows maturity, understanding and humanizes himself to his listeners in ways that he had never done before. In his 14th album, Jay proves that he still has plenty left in the tank.

Stand out tracks: The Story Of OJ, Smile, Marcy Me

Listen on Tidal

Sheer Mag – Need To Feel Your Love

Sheer Mag has been getting a lot of love online even without a strong digital presence. Up until a few months ago, you could only listen and purchase their three EPs on their Bandcamp page, where they also sold limited vinyl copies of each. Need To Feel Your Love is their definitive debut LP and a great introduction for those new to Philly’s underground riff kings. Sheer Mag is a band that brings a mix of old school garage rock, punk and power pop. Every song is backed by the Kyle & Hart Seeley, brothers who commandeer the band’s memorable bass and guitar riffs such as the album’s lead single, Just Can’t Get Enough. From the get go, the band drives a power chords that can instantly make your head nod.

The backbone of this band is Tina Hallway, the raspy lead singer who cuts through the tracks with her shrieking vocal chords. Although I must admit that her voice might be too much for some, with this album she’s refined her style and the best she’s ever sounded. Halliday can voice riots and revolutions with a single verse delivered in her punk soul vocal chords. Her lyrics are loaded with social and political references from the Stonewall riots to the gerrymandering that goes on in elections. Need To Feel Your Love should get a lot more listens as the year goes along, and Sheer Mag is a band that is just beginning to hit it’s stride.

Stand out tracks: Need To Feel Your Love, Expect The Bayonet, Suffer Me

Tyler The Creator – Flower Boy

Even though on the surface to the average listener Tyler has always had a very juvenile approach to music, in reality he’s always been on a real personal tip. Whether he’s talking about his estranged father or anxiety he deals with on a day to day, on Flower Boy he tackles a much larger personal issue; his recently admitted homosexuality. There are a lot of celebrities which would use this as a crutch or gimmick, but the truth is Tyler does not fall to that. In fact, he estates his sexuality so matter-of-factly that it seems he’s just venting to his fans. Flower Boy as a whole seems like a therapy session that Tyler is more than relieved to let out all these emotions that must have been drowning him for some time. Garden Shed is the moment where he really expresses everything, and backed by Estelle the result is one of the smoothest tracks in Tyler’s catalogue.

As usual, Tyler handles all production himself and presents a drastic change from the distorted cluster fuck that was Cherry Bomb. In complete contrast, Flower Boy is Tyler’s most melodic project as he steps up his production chops massively. A majority of the album has a real hazy chilled out vibe, but the bass heavy bangers that start mosh pits in Odd Future concerts are still present. Who Dat Boy is clearly the hardest song on the album and it features A$AP Rocky who shares great chemistry once again with the OF leader. Whatever issues Tyler was dealing when composing Flower Boy enabled him to make his best work thus far and it’s a welcomed sign of growth from one of the most intriguing rap personas this generation.

Stand out tracks: Who Dat Boy, Garden Shed, 911/Mr. Lonely

Damian Marley – Stony Hill

It took Damian Marley twelve years to release a follow up to Welcome To Jamrock, and it arrived to little fanfare. I have no clue why because this album is as solid as they come. Stony Hill is a 18 tracks of reggae fusion with R&B and hip hop that’s easily enjoyable. Here We Go sets off the album with a trap influenced reggae track and Damien shows his toasting hasn’t missed a step. The DJ scratches during the chorus also set the track apart from the rest of the album. Damien’s topics are easily predictable but that doesn’t diminish the quality of the music. Damien is joined by his equally talented brother on Medication, the expected weed anthem of the album which I’ve had on repeat for several weeks. Slave Mill offers social commentary over a melodic hook, “Walking home a child gets killed/ Neighbors free to shoot at will.”

Production was largely handled by Damien himself and its as well arranged as you can expect. Rich guitars and brass adorn the album along with it’s bass heavy reggae drums. Living It Up is a great crossover record with a catchy hook worthy of chanting on a good day, and the whole album holds up to this standard. The youngest Marley once again delivers a great album to bang out during the summer time.

Stand out tracks: Here We Go, Medication, Living It Up

  Terrace Martin Presents The Pollyseeds – Sounds Of Crenshaw

Terrace Martin keeps flying under the radar even after earning a Grammy nomination with last year’s Velvet Portraits. Martin has worked behind the scenes collaborating on tracks with stars like Kendrick Lamar, Snoop Dogg, Robert Glasper, among others. Yet the extremely talented West Coast producer has yet to run out of tracks and delivers another dope product along with his new band, The Pollyseeds. Sounds Of Crenshaw blends Martin’s Jazzy nature along with G-Funk and R&B. The Pollyseeds collaborate with rapper Problem, under the alias Chachi, on two tracks including Intentions which finds him harmonizing his grimey voice along Pollyseed’s vocalist Rose Gold. The duet works in a unique way and it serves as one of the albums best moments.

Sound Of Crenshaw is mostly an instrumental album and The Pollyseeds chemistry is undeniable. Robert Glasper joins the band for a cover of Janet Jackson’s Funny How Time Flies, before The Pollyseeds once again take charge by themselves on Mama D/Leimert Park, a horn heavy track backed by a boom bap drum pattern. On the tracks where other singers join, such as Believe, their voices always blend into the background and let the instruments do the blunt of the talking. Terrace Martin is one of the best producers this decade, and Sounds Of Crenshaw is another winning entry in his ever expanding discography.

Stand out tracks: Intentions, Mama D/Leimert Park, Believe

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