#chemo diaries

[komunyoung]

Shout out to the nurse today who when I told her I’ve been having trouble sleeping suggested that I reduce my caffeine intake. She meant well but ma’am you’ve just pumped me full of toxic drugs that make me feel so nauseous I cannot consume anything but water and ginger tea for three days. Caffeine is the last thing on my mind.

[crybaby-writings]

*screen fades to black, but quickly lights up again with a video of me unwrapping and shoving as many hersey kisses into my mouth as can without hitting a cavity* (my high score is 15)

[s0r4pix]

next week will be my last day of chemo, marking the end of a chapter. I don't know what to think about it. I don't feel happy or sad, it still feels like the fight isn't over, and I've still got things to do. Anyway, I'm going to miss the people in that room

[darklingartist]

(via What I'll Never Regret)

[starborn777]

Foods to avoid while on chemo

A cookbook for cancer patients recommends keeping track of what foods that cause nausea or other v symptoms.

Foods to be avoided. That make me feel unwell:

1. Garlic

2. Hot peppers/jalapeños

Foods that may affect me, to keep track of:

1. Kiwi fruit.

[hannahlovesluca]

Dear Diary,

ver - Shu Yamino

12/12/21

Dear Diary, i met a boy today. he was pretty, he said his name was Shu.

he told me i looked beautiful, he told me i was beyond beauty standards.

i think i love him.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

12/15/21

Dear Diary, mother and father were fighting again tonight. Shu came by, though. He bought me dinner and comforted me. He smells like cedar wood.

I think he might love me, too.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

12/17/21

Dear Diary, Shu gave me his coat today. I was shivering and he told me that his fire kept him warm.

Mother and father weren’t fighting when I got home. I ate spaghetti.

Went to bed happy.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

12/21/21

Dear Diary, felt weird chest pain today.

Shu told me it was probably due to the cold. Then, he lended me another jacket.

Shu cooked me dinner tonight, slept at his place. Bed was warm.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

1/05/22

Dear Diary, Shu told me a funny joke. I laughed so hard that i choked on my meatball. He had to give me the heimlich maneuver.

It was very embarrassing.

He told me things about his family. His dad is an ass.

Shu sang me to sleep.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

1/10/22

Dear Diary, chest pain came back. Brushed it off as the cold again.

Shu said that his mom wanted us to get together. I blushed.

We cuddled in bed.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

1/15/22

Dear Diary, Shu confessed to me today.

I said yes.

Boyfriend?

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

1/29/22

Dear Diary, lost my virginity today. It kind of tickled. Is that normal?

Shu said that it was because it was my first time.

He kept cracking jokes during our time.

We also planned a trip to Australia to visit his friend.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

2/02/22

Dear Diary, me and Shu are in Australia.

Luca is hyper, but nice. I like him.

Luca told me he liked my eyes, Shu agreed.

I blushed.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

2/07/22

Dear Diary, felt tired today. Slept all day.

Luca said I was hibernating.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

2/27/22

Dear Diary, met new friends today. Uki said he was going to steal my man.

I laughed.

I like Uki.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

3/01/22

Dear Diary, felt extra tired. Slept all day again.

Shu said if I slept anymore I’d probably fall into a coma.

We laughed and ate ice cream next to the fireplace.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

3/12/22

Dear Diary, studied with Shu. He helped with math.

He also taught me how to start a car with a penny.

Maybe I can commit Grand Theft Auto.

For legal reasons, that was a joke.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ��….

3/19/22

Dear Diary, Shu caught me staring at him.

It was very embarrassing.

He said he stares at me, too.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

3/29/22

Dear Diary, slept again today.

Feeling very unmotivated.

Me and Uki FaceTimed almost all night.

Slept in Shu’s hoodie.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

4/10/22

Dear Diary, got sent to hospital.

Shu and Uki visited me.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

4/29/22

Diagnosed with cancer.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

6/17/22

Dear Diary, first Chemo Therapy today. I don’t want my hair to fall out.

Shu said if it does, he would help me shave.

Shu has been supportive.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

7/02/22

Dear Diary, head was shaved today.

Don’t think Chemo is working.

feel very frail.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

7/20/22

Dear Diary, I have lost over 45 pounds.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

8/09/22

Dear Diary, Shu cried while holding my hand in the hospital.

He doesn’t think I���m making it.

Neither do I.

……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. ……. …….

8/09/23

Tear-drops escape Shu’s eyes, he slowly closes your diary.

[caesariawritesstuff]

1k Kudos

A few days ago, I noticed that Cat & Mouse hit 1k kudos. Since then, I've been trying to find the words to express just how grateful and in awe I am of everyone who's read, Kudos'd, commented, made fanart/fan works, or simply supported Cat & Mouse over the last three years.

People may or may not know this, but at the time I started writing Cat & Mouse, my mom had recently been diagnosed with Stage 3A breast cancer that had spread to her lymph nodes. Prognosis seemed good: she was in chemo, had plans for radiation and a mastectomy, and things were going well - until they weren't. I don't what to go too much into specifics, but as my mom's health began to decline rapidly, Cat & Mouse became my savior. It became a world I could escape into while waiting for my mom to finish her chemo, or late nights when I stayed up listening to her sleep, or when I desperately needed to be somewhere else mentally. In a way, Cat & Mouse has become my diary of sorts.

I never thought this story would get past Chapter 1. It had been almost a decade since I'd written fanfiction, and I thought I would just write a little bit and be done - but the immediate reception to this story, and how much it began to comfort me, pressed me forward. Since then, Cat & Mouse has transformed me in so many ways I cannot imagine. I've seen and heard from so many people who love this story, and I cannot tell you how much it means to that people support it at all and have poured their precious time into reading it, leaving comments, making art, or simply stopping by to leave a kudos. There's a special place in my heart for Cat & Mouse, and there always will be. It came to me at a time I desperately needed an outlet, and three years later, it's still my comfort (if not my own perfectionist project that drives me a little bit crazy sometimes).

Cat & Mouse is already long as hell, but I have too many ideas to stop now - and I have no intention of stopping. I know this is probably sappy, but I just want everyone to know how grateful I am, and I just want to say thank you.

[wumblr]

every couple of hours i walk silently in the dark down the spiral staircase in my mom's friend's unbooked airbnb past my mom, who is sleeping 20+hrs a day at this point, holding my breath to check whether i can hear hers to try not to wake her, 20+hrs sleep deprived, and inevitably i make one noise and she wakes up and i ask her if she's hungry and she asks for morphine and i say i never expected you to exhibit that kind of junkie behavior and i ask if she wants an ondansetron first except i call it a stomach pill and after i repeat myself three times because her hearing is gone she takes it because the morphine puts her stomach off and she can already only eat a tablespoon of the blandest possible food with no variation in texture which i've been fucking up for a week barking up the wrong tree trying to put spices and flavor in things she refuses to eat at all and i keep telling her if we don't figure out how to get her to eat i'm going to call the nurse and ask her to bring a nutritional IV and she says that might be okay and that's how i know it's really starting to go south, because there are very few things she hates in the world more than keeping a needle in her arm. if i had to guess, that's why she refused treatment, not really anything about the treatment itself. and i go out to smoke and i mull over being in the downwinder state the year RECA expires unexpanded with the lowest cancer rate in the country because it's been over thirty years since the comprehensive test ban and the risks from smoking or drinking vastly outweigh the risks from radiation exposure at this point, and nobody here smokes or drinks, and i think about whether i will be so lucky to catch mine at stage 1 when i get it and thus have the option to beat cancer on the first try by surgical intervention just like everybody else in my family did except my aunt who went for chemo instead of an oophorectomy because as her doctor friend advised her it would "probably work, like dropping a nuke on an anthill" but due to the state of my life i don't think i'm going to have regular cancer screenings, so it doesn't really matter. then my mom's friend comes by with her dog and talks about how she has to cash out her stock portfolio because she only has $5k in charles schwab and she hates whatever the other account was but they'll freeze her withdrawals for a week if she tries to transfer it out and she can't do that while her property holdings are as curiously unrented as they've been this year. and i think about how i've never even had $5k. and she asks if i want them to start over bridget jones' diary because she's trying to make my mom watch the raunchiest comedies she can find and they only just started it and i say no thanks and silently go back upstairs to not sleep, punctuated by soundtrack clips of chaka and aretha

[getmylifetogetherwme]

9/6/24 - Hi!

Hi!

I guess I should start this whole thing by introducing myself. My name is C! I'm in my final year of college, and I'm in the process of trying to really figure out what that means.

I spent the past three years of my college experience battling a serious illness. I won't go into too much detail, but just know, it rhymed with schmancer. So yeah. I had that, a really stubborn one too - the type that just refuses to go away even after you blast it with a ton of chemo.

Anyway, so that experience culminated into an extreme effort this year to finally rid me of the darn thing, and voila. It worked. I've been in remission for a few months now. It was really hard at first. Like I said, it was a pretty extreme effort (won't go into detail here, maybe later), but it left me feeling pretty terrible. Like I-couldn't-believe-the-world-was-still-turning-because-everything-was-so-awful kind of terrible. But finally, I guess I started feeling pretty human again.

So what does this all mean? Well, I guess it really means that I experienced shit at 19-22 that most people won't experience till they're much older (if at all). And I guess it also means I didn't really get the traditional college experience most people really strive for. There were few if any "wild nights" and fun.

I did "find myself" though. And then I found myself again. And again. Etc., so at least I had that bit of "normalcy." Everyone does that in college, or so I've heard.

Anyway, so this blog. Why make it, right? Here's the truth of the matter:

I am 22, in my final year of undergrad, and I want to get my life together. I want to study effectively, take care of my body (especially after all it has been through + done for me), and I just want to be the version of myself I know I can be.

Most importantly: I want accountability. That's where this blog comes in.

My hope with this blog is that it'll keep me going. I've tried a few times to kickstart this sort of "be the best version of myself" journey, and I've only been successful once, a few years ago, but then I fell off that horse, and well - I WANNA GET BACK ON!

So this blog will be a sort of an accountability diary/journal of sorts for me. I'll tell you guys all about my week, what I did that week to achieve my goals, etc. etc.. Also share pictures of things I'm studying, my life, etc. etc.. And maybe you guys will feel comfortable enough to let me in on some of your victories too!

I haven't really used tumblr in a while, not since I was like 16-ish, so I'm not really sure if people still use it for more traditional type of blogs, but if you're interested in studying, working out, reading, writing, trying to reach life goals, I would really appreciate it if you followed my blog and gave me a chance!

My next post will probably be getting into my details about my goals and such.

Thanks for reading,

-C

[salchat]

I went to Basingstoke Comic Con last Friday with my son Gregory - following a break in my chemo schedule due to emergency surgery resulting in fewer inside bits and an ileostomy. I'd thought I wouldn't be able to go - and it wasn’t easy, but I did it anyway.

Here’s what happened:

First I had my photo with Rachel Luttrell who was lovely and liked my feltie Teyla:

Then my son took the role of photographer for me in my Impala cosplay with Baby herself (or one of them)!

Then there were some strange clashes in the schedule - Stargate Q and A sessions when the Stargate guests were supposed to be signing autographs, so we weren’t sure who was going to turn up or how to be in two places at once.  But in the end, it worked to our advantage, because nobody else was sure either, and so when Joe and Rachel came along, there was hardly anyone else there so we got more time and more conversation than we would have.

Joe remembered me from the Wales Comic Con in 2021, which I definitely wasn’t expecting and he said he still had the little book of drawings I gave him there!  (It was a ridiculously stuffed little book - I’d gone way overboard.)  He took a photo of my art and put it on his Instagram!

Then we went to Rachel’s table and she was really nice and liked my art and gave me her phone to put my Instagram name in.  There was no one else at Joe’s table at that point so he was wandering about behind her and it was lovely just to see them interact as friends!

We managed to get Gary Jones next, who was really funny.  I told him it was my son’s first Comic Con and he shook Gregory’s hand.  But then he said, ‘No, that’s no good,’ and got up, came around the table and proceeded to give Gregs a lesson in firm handshakes.  It was hilarious!

I’d wanted to draw all the guests but just didn’t have time, with all the chemo and being in hospital shenanigans, so had to use the photos provided, which were nice, if not the same.

Next, after some hanging around and listening to the Q and As (which were all really good and Michael Shanks just kept spinning on his stool and being really silly) we got Paul McGillion and Rainbow Sun Francks.  They were both really lovely and nice to Gregory and, again, there were no queues so we had plenty of time!

Then we hit a bit of a hurdle because the day (and my energy) was running out and it didn’t look like Ben Browder or Michael Shanks were coming back.  Michael had a private Meet and Greet going on but Gregs really wanted to meet him, in particular because he wanted to introduce his homemade Goa’uld.

But then somehow we ended up in an impromptu session in the hotel bar - just a handful of con-goers with Ben and Paul and Rainbow! And Paul came up to me and told me how much he liked my art, because a friend had brought one of my pictures to be signed and pointed me out! And then I got to sit down opposite Ben and have a little chat and he signed my art.

But we still hadn't got Michael Shanks. So I pestered various organisers until I found one who knew what to do. And she got us in on the end of his Meet and Greet and then when the meet-and-greeters had gone we had a little private session where he, predictably, attacked himself with Gregory's Goa'uld and then signed my art and then before he went (blush - hides behind hands) I got a kiss on the cheek! 🥰

So, a memorable day! And then we had the fun of trekking home from Basingstoke, through London, on costume, me in my Impala outfit and Gregs as my little Gate-mission-ready military escort. We should just dress like that all the time...

I hope you liked my little Con Diary, @massharp1971 and @colonelshepparrrrd and anyone else who's interested!

Thanks to @hermscat for getting me an extra key card for her hotel room so I could flake out when needed and for transporting us to the station!

[anotherkindofmindpod]

Hello lovelies! I wanted to go back to another episode, Strange Bedfellows: Hiroshima Sky, and address a point raised in that episode. You all discussed Paul "bothering his dying wife" with the song credits switch issue, but I had the exact opposite impression. Here's Paul's quote to Anthony DeCurtis of Rolling Stone in 2001: "But this is why we don't have a great relationship. That, and the fact that Linda rang her during the height of her chemo shit and asked her, and Yoko said, 'That's never going to happen.'"

I do agree with your conclusion that Yoko was not obligated just because Linda was sick and I was pleased you both eventually allowed that Linda may have been offended on Paul's behalf, because that's what I think happened. Let me backup.

Earlier in that same Rolling Stone interview, Paul said, "So when the [Beatles] Anthology came out, after thirty years of always having John’s name in front, I thought it should say, ” ‘Yesterday,’ by Paul McCartney and John Lennon.' So I rang up and asked Yoko. This is when Linda and I were going through our real horror times. I rang Yoko up and said, 'Couldn’t I, on the Anthology, just on this one song, put my name in front? Could we put, ‘Written by Paul McCartney and John Lennon’? It would be a great favor to me.' Linda actually rang her and said, 'Do this as a favor.'"

"Yesterday" appears on Anthology 2, which was released on March 18 1996. According to Keith Badman, Anthology 2 was originally slated for release on February 26, 1996, supposedly due to a track re-ordering (moving "I'm Down") and thus making the original CD booklets obsolete and needing to be reprinted (Paul supposedly footed the bill for that). I have wondered if that delay for Anthology 2 was actually due to Paul wanting to change the song credits on "Yesterday," as he later described (or maybe the booklets had the credits switched on "Yesterday"and Paul had to pay to put them back!).

Paul told DeCurtis that he and Linda made the request "during our real horror times." Linda allegedly started an intensive chemotherapy regime in January 1996 (diagnosed with breast cancer in December 1995), just a month before Anthology 2 was originally due to be released, before being pushed back to March at the last minute. Due to that timeline, it's almost certain that the "Yesterday" credits request from Linda took place in January 1996.

Per Badman's Beatles Diary, Paul essentially stopped working during the year 1996 to care for Linda. He only made two public appearances, both in support of LIPA, and three brief recording sessions for Flaming Pie (separated by months-long gaps) in the entire year. He also did the final Anthology edit approvals and promotional interviews working from home, which was unusual for him at that time, and cancelled a few other work obligations that year.

Now we have the context that Paul and Linda made the "Yesterday" credits request at a terrible time in their lives. Paul seems to have taken offense less at Yoko's refusal and more at the way she did it, which he perceived as insulting to Linda when she was going through an awful time. Whether Linda asked Yoko independently of Paul because she was loyal or protective of him, or whether he knew beforehand and/or urged her to do it? We'll never know.

Yet if you go back to the statement Yoko made on Linda's death, Yoko wrote without elaboration, "The last conversation I had with her was in January this year [1998]." Now why would Linda and Yoko have spoken that January? Did Linda call Yoko, or vice versa? What else happened that month? Well, it so happens that Yoko's "Paul was Salieri/Paul made the phone calls" interview was broadcast in a BBC documentary on.....January 6, 1998.

Putting the speculative pieces together, here's my wild guess as to what happened. While working on the Anthology, Paul realized he wanted to have his name first on "Yesterday." What if Paul brought up the issue in the run up to the Anthology launch, not when Anthology 2 was to be released? Then right after Anthology 1 and the miniseries premiered to much success, Linda was diagnosed with cancer. Right after she started intensive chemo in January 1996, Linda asked Yoko to allow the credit switch as a personal favor to her. Maybe she knew it would give Paul a life preserver during that time, or she thought Paul was right, or some combination thereof, or whatever. Anyway, Yoko said no. Maybe Paul learned about that, was incensed, and tried to switch the credits on the Anthology 2 CD booklets anyway, causing the delay of the album's release.

Then, in January 1998, Yoko gave the Salieri interview with the hurtful comments which cut Paul deeply and Linda, who was always fiercely protective of Paul, became angry. According to friends, Linda was deeply concerned about Paul's emotional state during her illness, and I could see another perceived insult from Yoko sending her over the edge. So she called Yoko to confront her. Paul learned of that conversation (at the time? at some point later?) and, knowing how sick Linda was, became incredibly angry at Yoko in turn.

I think that everything during this time has to be looked at through the lens of Linda's illness. The credits issue, the flaming pie kerfuffle and finally the Salieri comments must have been seen by the McCartneys as Yoko throwing blows when they were at their lowest.

Thanks for all this, very thorough! We're delighted you enjoyed Strange Bedfellows. :) Thanks for listening and writing in.

[likeadevils]

2003 Lover Diaries Transcripts

Mar 23, 2003- Wyomissing, PA

Ok, where did I leave off? Friday. Ok, on Friday in school we had a “Code Red” drill. That’s when someone comes into the school and everybody gets freaked out and the teachers move all the students to the back of the room and turn off the lights. That night I had to babysit Austin while mom + dad went to a Vonda Shepard concert. Saturday mom and I got up early to go to NY for an hour ½ voice lesson. On the way we listened to a CD that mom bought from the concert the night before. It was this band called Sugarland and the lead singer is this girl that’s really good. I like their one song called “Baby Girl”

May 17, 2003- Wyomissing, PA

Hey. Today Mom and I went to New York. We talked and laughed all the way up and parked in a garage near my voice lesson. We walked to her apartment and we worked on Smoky Black Nights after doing all of her warmups. I didn’t do it well @ first but she said that the song was “ingenious.” Cool. After mom and I went to this cowboy/western store nearby. We got a white shirt that buttons up, jeans, and a white T w/notes in it. Then we had pizza at a pizza place and walked back to the car stopping @ Tasti D-Lite, our FAVORITE ice cream store. It’s kosher, non-cholesterol, Extremely tasty, dreamy, frozen yogurt, and only 40 calories. Does it get any better than that? Then we went home and got movies. You know, sometimes I think about what my first kiss is going to be like. It’s going to be great and romantic. I’m such a romantic. I just dream about looking into someone’s eyes and feeling something I’ve never felt before, you know? I just never was able to put a face to my fantacy. But something tells me that my first kiss really far away from happening! Because the guys in our school aren’t even worth worrying about. They are all in it for one thing and I think you know what is, sex. I guess I’ll be okay without a first kiss!! XOXO Taylor

May 19, 2003- Wyomissing, PA

Oh I was SUCH a b**** today! When mom picked me up, she was late again because she thought I had Varsity Singers. I was nasty to everybody!! Oh, I tried to practice my songs for Nashville, but I completely psyched myself out and broke down crying. I don’t know if I can do this. I want it so bad but I get so scared of what might not happen! When I miss notes, I dive bomb and the whole thing goes crashing down. I just have to breathe in … and breath out … breathe in …. relax, Nashville is not going to kill me … I can handle it. I’m okay. I’ll be fine. I’m young. I’m talented. They’ll see it in me. I’ll be ok. I’ve got to hang on. Can’t worry. I’m only 13. I’m allowed to make mistakes, right? Oh, this is a lot to handle. Taylor XOXO P.S. Pray for a better day tomorrow!

Jun 5, 2003- Wyomissing, PA

Hey Journal, I had to sing @ the Garden Party today so Mom and I went to the field and got some of the equipment set up. Then we went home and I got ready. When we got there, all of my friends were there, and they helped set up (kind of). I started my show and in one first three chords of the first song, my guitar pick broke in half and flew out of my hands! There was this huge silence! It was awful! I had to bend over and pick it up in front of everyone! And while I was singing, this guy was shouting stuff like, “Go on, b*#@h! Sing that country bullsh*t! Go on motherf*cker!” It was awful. After the Garden Party, we all went to the Reading Hospital to visit Nanny. She looks worse everytime we go. I sang I Used to Fly, A Little More Like you and Same Girl for Nanny and her roommate, Penny. Penny has liver cancer and is bald from chemo. All of the nurses loved listening to it. It went really well. Then we went home and I worked on a song called Not One day. It’s ok, but I don’t know. Taylor Swift

Jun 19, 2003- Nashville, TN

Hey Diary, This morning, I woke up and I went over to RCA records and did a small showcase and “chatted” with them. We talked to this girl and she was really hip and cool with me. They really liked me and said they would call on Monday because she would be on vacation that weekend. Then we headed over to Capitol Records and met with the president and vice president of the company. They totally flipped out over me! They even said I was the most talented 13-year-old they had ever seen! They told me that I should be thanking God every day for the incredible gift he gave me. Well, I appreciate the compliment, but then they followed it up with “I’d just hate to see you jump into this right now and have a short-lived career.” They very politely agreed that country is directed to 35-year-olds. Radio just doesn’t play teens. That’s where I’m gonna prove them wrong! Well, he took me on a tour of the building and gave me about 25 cds of Capitol’s artists. Isn’t that nice? Then we went back to the hotel and then we went to the Bluebird Cafe, this cafe where like 4 songwriters go in and sing their songs. We sat all the way in the back. I have a radio call, meeting with Warner, and flight to catch tomorrow. I need my sleep!! Taylor I have a good feeling about RCA! <3

Jun 24, 2003- Wyomissing, PA

Hey Diary, I got a record deal! AHHHHH! RCA records in Nashville wants to give me a development deal!!! We were taking Sassy to the airport (late) and when we headed home, we stopped at a Taco Bell. My manager called us on Mom’s cell and she gave the phone to me. He had Dad on conference call. He started out by saying, “Well, we got follow ups on all of the labels. And they think you need a couple years to grow so they can put you on the radio … Except for RCA, who wants to sign you!! Congratulations!” I was going crazy. I cried. I guess I never really expected to get one! It’s a development deal, but those are the only details we have. I told a bazillion people! We were making CDs for a New Hampshire concert I have Friday til 2:00 AM tonight. AHHH! Record deal! R • C • A baby! Taylor

Aug 25, 2003- Wyomissing, PA

Hey, Today was my first day of school! And you won’t believe how much better 8th grade is than 7th!! The real problem last year was the grade above us, and now they’re 9th graders so we never see them. I love being older than the 7th graders! I never knew how stupid I must have looked, carrying around that HUGE book bag running and bumping into everybody trying to get to class on time! Okay, here’s my schedule! 1. Accel. integrated studies 2. science 3. american studies 4. latin 1 LUNCH 5. Accel. English 6. Accel Math 7. Intro. Computer studies 8. Chorus/Gym I think I might just live through this year!! I just hope I can keep up. My locker is 117 and my combination is 35-8-27. I love being older! I think my teacher’s gonna give me a spotlight solo in chorus! This year could be fun. I don’t care what people think of me now because I won’t let them bring me down. <3 Taylor

Oct 15, 2003- Wyomissing, PA

Hey, I really have decided that school is a big disappointment. It's only cool when you're popular. I'm not. It's only cool when you have a boyfriend. It's cool when everybody likes you. I don't have that. But my extracurricular "life" is what really matters to me. I guess I'm just not good enough for people my own age. Or maybe I'm not bad enough? [peace sign] Taylor Swift XOXO <3

(2003 • 2004 • 2005 • 2006 • 2007 & 2008 • 2009 • 2010 • 2011 • 2012 • 2013 • 2014 • 2015 • 2016 & 2017)

[imagineagreatadventure]

to continue using tumblr as a public diary, i'm really trying to not spike my adrenaline but the news that we likely can't do chemo for my mom after all has really pretty much ruined.... idk everything

[babyitsbeautiful]

Life Update for 2023. (It's a long one.)

For those that follow me on other social media platforms, you already know what's been happening and I appreciate the love and support.

For those that don't, I feel like this is long overdue. Especially to my 'crash through the surface' readers. I promise I will give you the ending you deserve.

To start, this has been a hell of a year. So many unexpected things have happened in such a short time frame that it's hard to convey just how crazy it's truly been.

I gained a new sister with whom my father had out of an affair before he died 23 years ago, although she is wonderful in every way, so I guess I can thank him for at least giving me another beautiful sister.

We met at the beginning of the year and have stayed close ever since. It's like we've known each other forever. The first half of the year was very exciting for me. I had a new sister, got to do so many fun things and work the Vampire Diaries/Originals convention for Creation Entertainment. Truly an amazing few months. I was so excited to find out how the rest of the year would go. I was even in the mood to start writing again.

But then the unimaginable happened. My 8 year old blue heeler, Lucy, had what we thought was a benign fatty lipoma (she had all the signs) removed at the beginning of July that turned out to be a high grade mast cell tumor that was basically untreatable and irreversibly fatal.

Ironically, we got the news two weeks after her surgery, on the 23 anniversary of my dad's death... from cancer. I was completely devasted. I could tell immediately that her vet did not want to give me that news. I asked every question I could think of and was told there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, nor would Chemo even work at that point, it was already too far progressed. He told me to ignore the estimated remaining life span noted in her test results (less than 4 months) and to just love and spoil her everyday. I told him I already do that, but I did go the extra mile for her anyway.

We had a good rest of the summer, all the way through September she showed no signs, other than the metastatic growth of the cancer cells in the same area on her belly, forming twice as worse than before. But she didn't mind, and just continued to live her best life.

I told her that she would get to see her Uncle soon, my younger brother, when he came to town for our new sister's wedding at the end of September (he walked her down the aisle, hella cute btw.) She loves loves loves her uncle, and was beyond excited to see him.

And I swear to you she stayed as strong as she could just to be able to see him one last time because on the day he left, her tumors ruptured and her health started to rapidly decline. I did all that I could for the month of October to keep her here with me. We bandaged her up so the bleeding would stop, she got medication from the vet, but there was only so much that could be done. She stayed so strong though, I could tell she was a fighter, still with a smile on her face.

But in that last week, when the medication no longer worked and she lost that smile and had that look on her face, a look of intense pain and just all around defeat, I knew she needed me to carry her strength.

She silently told me that she was ready and I made the call that changed my life forever. So on October 25th, we said our goodbyes and she fell asleep in my arms before waking up on the other side of the rainbow bridge where there was no more pain or fear.

She was my entire world and I, hers.

It's been a month now, and it still hurts every day, but every day is a little better than the last. The second half of the year has really changed me in so many ways. My life is so different now, because my entire life revolved around taking care of her. And I wouldn't have changed it for anything. Lucy was never a people person kind of dog, she did not like strangers or other animals. So if I wasn't working, I was at home with her. The times I had a social life or travelled were rare and far between.

But she's gone now and my life belongs to just me again. It's a strange feeling really, not having that kind of dependency anymore, but I revel in it at times.

I've travelled more in the last month than I have in years as keeping myself busy and away from an empty apartment helps. I will be going to New York for the first time this New Year's Eve, which is amazing and so exciting.

I confess that at first I felt the guilt of being able to do fun things at her expense of being gone. But her being gone was not anyone's choice, it was just something that neither of us could control and I had to end her pain when it was still beginning rather than have her suffer more than she already was. I know that. I would just rather have her with me for a few more years than be able to do fun things. She was my fun thing. ♥

With all that being said, I am at a very different stage in my life now that involves me getting back into the things that make me happy, which is writing.

I never intended to go this long without updating this story, but then life, like the one I've lived this year, happens and certain things just take precedent over other things.

I will be getting back into 'crash through the surface' very soon. I've thought about it more in the last few weeks than in a long time. So to my readers both (potentially) new and old, thank you thank thank you for the love on what we have so far. The story is far from over.

Also a huge thank you to everyone who has me on Facebook and Instagram and keeps up with my craziness, I truly adore all of you.

And if you don't but want to: @hollyelizabeth3

[breastcancerdiaries]

I haven't been keeping up with this diary because I found I don't really need it as much, but here's my experience with IVF. I hope it helps somebody.

IVF is an option they usually offer younger cancer patients because chemo has a 10% - 20% chance of rendering you infertile.

I chose to do it because even though I wasn't sure if I wanted kids or not, I still wanted the decision.

Usually during your period, you'll have one egg that matures and releases. During IVF, they give you hormones to stimulate growth in more eggs so they can collect them.

For the first 4 days, I injected myself at home with Gonal-F. If you're needlephobic like me, use numbing cream. It helps a lot. I had to inject myself twice the first time I used it because I didn't feel it so I didn't know if I was doing it right.

For the next 4 days, I injected myself with Gonal-F, which was a little needle and it was okay, and Cetrotide so I wouldn't ovulate. This was a big needle and scary so I asked a friend to help. It was better with the numbing cream.

I also needed to take letrozole to control my estrogen levels because I have hormone positive cancer. I think people who don't have cancer don't take this but it varies I guess? I'm not sure.

IVF cycles can be anywhere between 8 days to 14 days depending on where you are at in your cycle. If you're already ovulating, they may need to artificially induce a period because you've only produced one egg at that point and then it'll prolong your IVF cycle time.

I was lucky I had short cycles and had just come off my period, so I only did 8 days.

Then 36 hours before I was scheduled for my surgery, I took my trigger shot. It's 3 needles, and two of them are dull so I bled a lot and the funny part is that we accidentally injected it on the side of my stomach without numbing cream so it hurt extra bad lol. It was funny because I straight up raw dogged it for my last shot, completely forgetting which side the numbing cream was on. But I got through it, and if a baby like me can get through it, so can you.

I also started pre-emptively taking anti-biotics they prescribed.

The day of my surgery, the nurses and staff were really nice. I got dressed in a hospital gown, taken to a room, hooked up to an IV with saline (no eating or drinking after midnight the day before so you're kind of dehydrated so they want to put some fluids in you). If you're at risk for a blood clot, they inject you with a blood thinner which hurt like a BITCH (they have a system they score you on and I was right on the cusp goddamnit). I sat in the chair for a bit while they prepped everything and they gave me a warm blankie. Then when it was all set up, they wheeled me to the operating room and gave me meds for pain management and anxiety.

I fell asleep instantly, and when I woke up it was all over. I had already taken painkillers that morning because I had port surgery the day before and when I woke up, that hurt like a bitch.

They gave me some cookies that were probably the best things I've ever had, although that's probably the anaesthesia talking, but it was still really good.

I got picked up by a caretaker (friend's mom who I hired to be my caretaker because I don't have family and she could use the money), dropped off at home and was fine. Took a painkiller every 6 hours because I was cramping a bit. I was up and doing chores even, I did the dishes and I made myself pulled pork sandwiches for dinner. You bleed a little bit, but it's just a very small amount, kind of like the last day or so of your period, so wear a pad (not a tampon, those things are toxic, I saw the news yesterday, they have heavy metals in them). But overall it doesn't really hurt. I had 13 eggs collected but only 8 were mature and frozen. Pretty normal, although I wish more eggs had been mature. But something is something.

And that's it.

A couple things that stood out to me is that one of the nurses that treated me had childhood cancer. She was 5 when she got it and she's cancer-free and 44. So that gives me a lot of hope.

Everybody was really nice throughout this process. I'm grateful for the doctors, the nurses, everybody. I'm grateful for my friend who injected me. I'm proud of myself for injecting myself solo for the first couple days, I'm stronger than I think I am.

If you're going through this process and you're scared, I believe in you. You're stronger than you think you are. I would cry in the shower everyday and kick and scream and straight up not want this. But I got through it. And you will too. And your future self will thank you for it.

[desi-girll]

Page 40 of 366 Dear diary 🧸,

i seem to have come down with the flu, which has lately been making rounds everywhere i go, somehow. also, there was this ceremony at school today and another girl and i were supposed to welcome the chief guest with gifts and i had been panicking and stressing out about it the entire morning but it went super great. except one lil glitch that she left without taking the gifts lmao but that wasn't our fault. it was the teacher-in-charge's fault but no problem, our school's gonna send it to her. also, i received this life saving news from school that I'm not gonna be suspended for getting into a fight with this kid. the suspension thing had been hanging over my head last week which is why you prolly saw me in a downward spiral during last week's updates. anyways now that that's out of the way (thank you god i love you so much), my grandfather's chemo wasn't done today. it'll start tomorrow.

love,

me