#check out The Overeasy

[urgentkettle]

Thanks for the tag! This was hard in a fun way. I made the songs i highly recommend you check out in yellow. You will be rewarded for you curiosity.

U - Up All Night by Alex Clare

R - Riptide by Vance Joy

G- Give That Wolf A Banana by Subwoolfer

E- Evelyn by Kim Tillman & Silent Films

N- Nobody Likes The Opening Band by I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

T- The Future Freaks Me Out by Motion City Soundtrack

K- Kick, Push by Lupe Fiasco

E- Everybody Talks by Neon Trees

T- This Is America by Childish Gambino

T- The Bus Is Late (Waiting For The Bus In The Rain) by Satellite High

L- Lay Down by The Overeasy

E- Ængus, The Prize-Winning Hog by The Toxhards

Low Pressure Tags :3 : @albrechtstarkarm @willypadilly @punkpendulum @freerangecatmilk-blog @skarmazenuk @pufflybunny @cuydulce @red-mercer @strawberrygirldick @pearlygreykreechur @navianc @medusasdaughter @invincible-selfxmade-punk @broccoli-bitching @certifieddudette @moobrvoobl-moobmoob-oobmpoobroom @chikennougatman @thefloralmenace @williamsblood @definitely-not-an-alias @argumate @feministfandomforever @therealsmokingleather @ineffably-poetic @thegingerfaggot @metalgodawful @derinthescarletpescatarian @gemglowstix @anotherlesbiandad

Rules: pick a song for each letter of your URL and tag that many people.

Tagged by @sailforvalinor, and thank you this looks like fun!

Remember and Proclaim (Andrew Peterson)

All I Ask of You (Jackie Evancho)

Innocence (Nathan Wagner)

Níl Sé'n Lá (Celtic Woman)

I Still Need a Savior (Billy Sprague)

No Strings (Ed Sheeran)

Take Me Back Road (Tim & the Glory Boys)

How Great is Our God (Chris Tomlin)

Everything Sad is Coming Untrue (Jason Grey)

El-Shaddai (Amy Grant)

Voice of Truth (Casting Crowns)

Endlessly (Amaranthe)

Not Alone (Red)

I'm an Open Road (Paul Brandt)

Never Leave Your Side (Sam Tinnesz)

Good to Be Alive (Skillet)

Hoo boy, can I think of sixteen people?

@griseldabanks @kraytwriter @kingofattolia @catkin-morgs @clawedandcute @nerdychristianfanboy @steampunk-archer @sergeanttomycaptain @smhalltheurlsaretaken @scribblermerlin @authortobenamedlater @stainedleather @mrtobenamedlater @mrgartist @get-loved-nerd @a-fount-of-blessings (Ignore if this is a repeat tag. Unless you want to do it again. Up to you. :)

[darling-i-read-it]

plsplspls can i request some norman fluff i am hyperfixating on him again 🫶🏼🥲

I was going to write this last night but got tired and have so many thoughts about norman that I wanted to be fully rested. Norman Bates you will always be famous to me bbg

Norman Bates makes me insane

If you want domestic life with a slasher, Norman is the closest you will get in my opinion. Aside from his mother, he truly is just the calmest man who gets anxiety with any kind of flirtation.

Say you meet at the diner when he goes out once. He's the town oddball. The kook. Everyone knows that after his mother died and the highway was moved, everything slightly altered in him

and you move into town and you get a job as a waitress and Norman is the nicest of your regulars. he always comes once a week to get out of the house, never stays for long because he has so much to do, and always gets the same thing.

"Eggs overeasy today Norman?" you tease. His cheeks flush as he goes to correct you, never once blaming you for potentially getting his order wrong.

"Oh u-"

"Scrambled Norman. I know, I was just pulling your leg." He flushes and smiles. He nods.

"Thank you." You maneuvered around him and to the back, dropping off his order. After he had cleared his plate he waited patiently for you to come around with his check. You always came in a timely manor and told him briefly about things that had happened over the week in town.

Today when you came back around, you had a particular smile on your face.

"Your breakfast is on me this morning Norman," you declared. He gave you a confused look. "On one condition." He cleared his throat, nodding for you to go one. "I get to come see your hotel and we have dinner over there."

a DATEEEE??????????

Norman Bates went a deep shade of red and then smiled. He had the most innocent smile on his face, you never would have guessed anything was wrong with him. In the moment he completely forgot about his mother.

he accepted gratefully, saying he would pick things up special. You promised to be by the next day around 5.

you came by the next day and Norman had never seen someone so beautiful. He saw you in your work clothes, your apron usually covered in the muck of your morning.

you were wearing something you thought date appropriate and he had gotten one of his better sweaters out of the back of his closet. One of the ones his mother had gotten for him to wear out.

He was cagey at the dinner.

You couldn't even glance up the stairs. He was already disobeying by having you in the house. But he wasn't cagey enough to deter you from having a good time.

Norman was shy but he had great conversation. All the people who came by his hotel made for great stories. You brought stories from the diner, from before you had moved out there

You noted he didn't have any help out there and he was clearly a busy man.

'Norman have you ever thought about hiring help?"

"Who would be my waitress?"

"I can make you eggs here!"

it was a bad idea. horrible even. Norman knew this but his desire to have you around was so strong, even if it wasn't technically safe for you. How long could he hold his mother back? What if he insured you were always here when someone else was, when there were people in the motel?

He started to try and find reasons to keep you around. Things that needed to be done but not necessarily as soon as he was having you do them.

You helped him paint the outside of the motel. You changed the bulbs in the sign. You got new linens and looked through the logbook for frequent fliers and silly fake names.

Norman couldn't shake it though. His mother would always be there to argue the worst of you. Even if you were helping him and not harming him, even if you hadn't made any actual move.

he wanted to kill his mother. but she was a shut in, she had no one else to help her! he was trapped in a cage of her making, one he could not leave. the dutiful son.

he made the first move. He wanted to kiss you silly since the first time he had seen you, imagining how your lips tasted in shameful nights.

You were helping him in the office. He was back in the parlor while you sat at the desk out-front. You had just checked in a couple, clearly people who were not currently married to each other.

They had used ridiculous fake names. Norman walked back to the front of the room. He looked particularly handsome, wearing a white button up shirt tucked in his slacks.

"If we were fake married, what would our names be?" you questioned. Norman took a bite of the apple in his hand and shrugged. He leaned against the desk.

"Mr and Mrs Disney," he suggested. You nodded slowly.

"Mr and Mrs Flinstone."

"Too one the nose. That show just premiered," he suggested." He looked over your shoulder at the log book. He had gotten so used to having you around, so comfortable with your presence. He liked imaginig the two of you as a married couple. The Bates Motel with two Bates once again.

"Mr and Mrs Disney it is," you teased. You looked up at him and he was so close, his face just hovering beside yours. You smiled cheekily.

Before you had even comprehended it, he had kissed you.

Norman wanted that life. He liked the idea of that life. Maybe his mother would be okay with it if you were married. Maybe he could sway her.

Without even knowing it, you had helped him muster courage to fight his mother. A problem you barely knew existed. You had heard her, you had thought it was weird you had never seen her, but you trusted Norman.

A ring on your finger would be so nice, he thought. So nice.

Finally put a cork in the townsfolks mouths.

Norman took a wife?

[thedaveandkimmershow]

Kimmer told me the Lake Perris area is desert. And while I don't know if that's true or not, definitely it meets my expectations for desert climate. With cold nights, hot days, and transitions in which temperatures either plummet or suddenly BAM.

It's hot.

The night before last, we definitely experienced the plummet. The following morning, stepping out of the campervan, we definitely experienced the BAM hot with the sun beating directly at us.

So yeah. Desert.

Kimmer has us all good 'n set up for our campervan time here, by the way.

That's our Big Foot over there on the left. 😁

Now, camping's not strictly my thing. But I will say that one of my favorite things are the meals crafted by Kimmer, her cousin, Derek, and sometimes both.

The night we arrived, dinner was grilled, ground, and seasoned meat over Fritos, topped with sour cream and guacamole. There was also supposed to be salad in there... but since I'd already had a Caesar, I went with the meat, Fritos, sour cream, and guacamole. 😁

Then yesterday morning Kimmer conjures a breakfast sandwich from lightly toasted flat bread, overeasy fried eggs, avocado, and a bunch of other goodies including bacon as well as fried sweet potatoes on the side. 😁😁😁

Like I said before, camp time moves differently than city time. Especially when you're staring up at a fantastically bright and clear and near and nearly full moon... sometimes you lose all sense of time.

For sure we went to bed earlier because the temperature plummeted. We turned in around 930 or 10. A bit early for us.

Definitely we got up and on our feet much earlier than usual. Around 730 for me. A little earlier for Kimmer.

Because of that, the morning seems to have lots of time in it. Lots of time to hang out. Lots of time to break down the bed in our campervan. Lots of time to get ready to whatever degree we like. Lots of time to perfect breakfast and appreciate breakfast. Lots of time to consider the day. And so on.

There's more room inside these mornings than we're used to. It's instructive how much there is.

Around 11, we headed out with the boys to check in on Kimmer's uncle's old place...

...and then to check in on Kimmer's aunt Jacquie for entertaining, the painting of finger and toe nails, walking around together, and delivering gifts.

Once upon a time a family friend was taken to Memory Care after struggling for the longest time. And the first time we visited her there, she. looked. fantastic. She was under such a great care. She was being cared for with such great care.

And so it is with Jacquie. She looks great. Plus she was more engaged this visit, conjuring a bit of her old self with that laugh and smile of hers.

Later, we're pulling into the parking lot at McDonald's for some vanilla ice cream cones... when a memory comes to Kimmer from last October or November when she and Derek took Jacquie and Dave out for ice cream cones here and, as they're sitting in a booth enjoying their creamy frozen deliciousness, Jacquie turns to Kimmer and says—

Isn't this great?

And it is! It is!

It's a reminder of little moments. Meaningful moments. Moments that stick just because they do. Because of something in those moments that speaks to us. Not only just in those moments but even across time. Even after someone's gone.

It's a reminder of what's most precious to us. And what it is, amidst this cacophony of modern life, we should be consciously and relentlessly pursuing.

☺️

[certified-sane]

What my wife sees: The hipster restaurant gave us scrambled instead of over easy and forgot our potatoes in our take out. Nbd.

What I see: (deep breath)

The roasted potatoes at this restaurant take 20 minutes to cook because they always come out after our food when we eat in. Scrambled eggs cook faster than over easy eggs. They said the food would be ready in 15 minutes. The food was ready in 10 minutes.

It's Labor Day and busy and we're take out. So they know that we will not know anything is wrong until we are home. I've worked in a lot of commercial kitchens since 1996. I know that in these situations, staff will cut corners on a take out ticket as a choice so that they can catch up with the dine in tickets. Best case scenario, you catch up on tickets. Worst case scenario, you just make the order right when they complain so you successfully delayed it to a time you are less busy.

Now I've been hyping this dish up to my wife for a week. So I take a picture and I go back.

Hostess: What can I help you with?

Me: What kind of eggs come on the Spaniflora avocado toast?

Hostess: Overea... What kind did you order?

Me: They come with overeasy. I've had them hear before.

Hostess: Well they come however you ordered them.

Me: But I ordered them with you personally 10 minutes ago. I didn't change them. And I didn't get the potatoes we talked about.

Hostess: (calls over very tall male waiter) The Spaniflora avocado toast doesn't come with roasted potatoes, does it?

Waiter: It, uh... No. No it doesn't.

Me: But she said they did. I didn't even ask for them. She told me it came with it and I paid and picked up and took them home and they weren't there.

Waiter: It. Doesn't. Come. With. Potatoes.

Me: It's on the menu that it does.

Waiter: Look, I can get some potatoes. That isn't a problem.

Me: Ok, I need the Spaniflora avocado toast remade with the right eggs.

Waiter: They weren't over easy?

Waitress: (turns and walks away quickly)

Me: No, they were scrambled.

Waiter: Okay. I'll have that right out to you.

Me: (waits 2 minutes)

Manager: Sorry about that. Here you go. (Leaves tied bag)

Me: Hold up. Let me check. ... There's just an over easy egg in a box in here.

Manager: What was it supposed to be?

Me: Spaniflora avocado toast with over easy egg and potatoes.

Manager: No problem. Miscommunication.

Me: (waits 2 minutes)

Manager: Here you go. Sorry about that.

Me: Thanks! (peek in box, see toast)

Then I go home and there's still no potatoes.

So that's the worst case scenario for the average person right? It's done even if you are the pickiest person. Maybe you go back and ask for the potatoes again.

Here's where I go from picky to mentally ill.

I'm stressed because this restaurant I love, I now realize will not be here in 10 years. Not because of some vague entitlement. If it was some delusion I could just go back on lithium.

See, this was the first hipster restaurant in my tiny rural town. A few more hipster places opened afterward in the same downtown area. At the same time South Korea struck a deal with the county for drone factories on our West border but had to produce a ton of infrastructure. On the North border a similar situation happened with Disney and Florida Health. South can't be developed. East is undeveloped. That's why I bought here. 5 years ago I saw this coming before everyone else. I'm making money hand over fist while everyone is telling me I'm wrong and can't be making money on investments.

The only people besides me that see all these angles is the local politicians and the real estate investors and they are working together to drive out existing businesses, buy the property, put fake businesses in to hold the spot, and improving the infrastructure to sell at a profit in five or ten years. We have a downtown business on main street that is just teenager with a PlayStation renting out playtime on it after they drove out the only fabric shop in a rural town.

So I see all these angles and I know it's a matter of time before they come after this restaurant I like due to its location but no one will believe me no matter how many times it happens in front of them. At the moment, it's very busy. Just like all the food businesses one block away we're before the city tore up their road for a two week project 18 months ago, putting them all out of business so they could be bought cheaply.

So I'm all alone seeing it's a matter of time before the city and investors tear up the road in front of my favorite restaurant and the restaurant will be forced to depend on long term loyalty to stay profitable and not be replaced by a fake business. But the staff all the way up to the manager is making choices for short term fixes at the expense of long term loyalty. 1 bad experience negates 9 good ones. But this second, that's a good tradeoff for them. In five years, they'll be dependent on long term loyalty but it will be too late then to build it when you have to walk two blocks through construction to get to the door like the previous businesses.

So again, my wife sees scrambled eggs instead of over easy and they forgot the potatoes.

I see ten years of change.

We are both looking at the same to go container.

[matale0]

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[cookingwithkimberly]

#SmokedTurkey #egg & #cheese on #EnglishMuffins ... There's nothing better than a #hotbreakfast for the #family on the #weekend ! #breaky Butter up you halved English muffins & place on a baking sheet. On one half, adorn it with grated cheddar cheese. On the other half, use 1/2 slice sliced smoked #turkey. Toast in the oven on 300-325 degrees F, while cooking up your eggs. We like our fried eggs #overeasy , so the yolks flow with golden deliciousness when you eat these #sandwiches ! Once eggs are cooked, top the halves with the sliced turkey. Sprinkle eggs with #smokedpaprika - I always use #LaChinata ! @lachinatasmokedpaprika I received the #SlicedTurkey in our #SmallScaleFarms #freshproduce box & it is from #KentHeritageFarms - right out of #StDavids ! It is absolutely delicious & was delivered right to my doorstep c/o @smallscalefarms ! @kentheritagefarms @kentheritagefarmsnotl I used the rest of this #turkey in my #SuperBowl #GameDay #Chili - make sure you check the previous post for that #recipe - sooooo good! If you live in #Niagara through #Hamilton , use my referral link for $30 off your first curbside pickup #producebox (I get $10 credit too - thank you): https://tinyurl.com/SmallScaleFarms * Subscribe to #cookingwithkimberly - http://cookingwithkimberly.com #webchefkimberly #cooking https://www.instagram.com/p/CLFDjKpjKD8/?igshid=2vflmxidglqu

[sapphicscholar]

I finally went to a gay club out here in DC. I really enjoyed myself. I went with a straight cousin and her lesbian friend. I'm a lesbian too, but I dressed up for a night of dancing. Anyway I got hit on my two separate dudes. I didn't know there was a problem of straight dudes going to gay bars to prey on the women there. The second dude straight up followed me after we left the club. Glad that was one of the nights I didn't leave alone.

Part 2: I feel bad because I was drunk and didn't think to complain to the club staff. But I remember one of the guys trying to dance with my cousin and other women and me multiple times. I shoved him off at least three times. We got in his face too. I kept an eye on him when he was with with other women on the dance floor in case he stayed too long after women told him to leave That seemed like enough to my drunk brain. But now I regret not reporting his ass Feels like women are trained to not complain

I’m sorry you had such a shitty experience! DC has definitely felt the loss since Phase 1, the only lesbian bar left in the District (and the oldest in the country!), closed down last year. There are plenty of gay bars, but they feel like they cater toward a cis-male clientele more than anything, and they’ve gotten really popular with straight guys, especially since a lot of them are mixed in with other popular bars on places like U Street where people just wander in without really caring too much about the target audience. 

I understand regretting not complaining (I’ve definitely let things go that should have been reported because the one time I tried, the officer was so dismissive, then tried to blame me and my girlfriend for “asking for” unwanted attention by kissing), but I’m just happy to hear that you were safe and with a group. I wish I could tell you it’d get better, but a lot of gay spaces really aren’t these days. 

If you’re gonna be in DC a while and looking for something other than Town and much of the U St scene, I’d recommend checking stuff out at Zeba Bar (they used to host the glittHER parties, which cater toward a WTF (women, trans, femme) crowd, and still do a lot of events that feel a bit safer), the Ladies Tea Dances at Hank’s (at least the last time I heard, they were still inclusive spaces), or the OverEasy Tea Dances (”a trans-positive, all-gender-inclusive, anti-racist, pro-makeout space”). Hopefully you find a way to have some fun while still feeling safe being yourself! Personally, I find hanging out in English Departments and at Queer Studies conferences to be the best way to find my kind of gays :D 

[cmonboardfood]

“Hungry for spam musubi?This gourmet spam musubi is deep fried panko crusted teriyaki spam, an overeasy egg broken with a splash of tabasco sauce, and white rice with rice seasoning wrapped in seaweed. It’s then drizzled with sriracha mayo & japanese mayo and sprinkled with crushed flamin’ hot cheetos 😉”

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credit: @_jsxba

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CB Food is your guide to food and cooking. We compile the best recipes and the most exclusive restaurants. For other recipes, visit our website [link in the bio]

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Make sure to check out our cooking-themed products at www.cmonstore.com

[youngbloodthekilljoy]

Random asks 7, 8, 12?

at least someone cares about me i can always count on you babe

7. How do you like your eggs cooked?

overeasy

12. If _____ was gone, life wouldn’t be worth living

my best friend even if she’s in australia right now or my chorus teacher cause i’m planning his wedding and i can’t plan a wedding and a funeral at the same time

8. How many bodies are you currently hiding in your closet?

welll…i’m not supposed to say anything���but…for you…check the cut…

According to all known lawsof aviation,  there is no way a beeshould be able to fly.  Its wings are too small to getits fat little body off the ground.  The bee, of course, flies anyway  because bees don't carewhat humans think is impossible.  Yellow, black. Yellow, black.Yellow, black. Yellow, black.  Ooh, black and yellow!Let's shake it up a little.  Barry! Breakfast is ready!  Ooming!  Hang on a second.  Hello?  - Barry?- Adam?  - Oan you believe this is happening?- I can't. I'll pick you up.  Looking sharp.  Use the stairs. Your fatherpaid good money for those.  Sorry. I'm excited.  Here's the graduate.We're very proud of you, son.  A perfect report card, all B's.  Very proud.  Ma! I got a thing going here.  - You got lint on your fuzz.- Ow! That's me!  - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.- Bye!  Barry, I told you,stop flying in the house!  - Hey, Adam.- Hey, Barry.  - Is that fuzz gel?- A little. Special day, graduation.  Never thought I'd make it.  Three days grade school,three days high school.  Those were awkward.  Three days college. I'm glad I tooka day and hitchhiked around the hive.  You did come back different.  - Hi, Barry.- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.  - Hear about Frankie?- Yeah.  - You going to the funeral?- No, I'm not going.  Everybody knows,sting someone, you die.  Don't waste it on a squirrel.Such a hothead.  I guess he could havejust gotten out of the way.  I love this incorporatingan amusement park into our day.  That's why we don't need vacations.  Boy, quite a bit of pomp...under the circumstances.  - Well, Adam, today we are men.- We are!  - Bee-men.- Amen!  Hallelujah!  Students, faculty, distinguished bees,  please welcome Dean Buzzwell.  Welcome, New Hive Oitygraduating class of...  ...9:15.  That concludes our ceremonies.  And begins your careerat Honex Industries!  Will we pick ourjob today?  I heard it's just orientation.  Heads up! Here we go.  Keep your hands and antennasinside the tram at all times.  - Wonder what it'll be like?- A little scary.  Welcome to Honex,a division of Honesco  and a part of the Hexagon Group.  This is it!  Wow.  Wow.  We know that you, as a bee,have worked your whole life  to get to the point where youcan work for your whole life.  Honey begins when our valiant PollenJocks bring the nectar to the hive.  Our top-secret formula  is automatically color-corrected,scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured  into this soothing sweet syrup  with its distinctivegolden glow you know as...  Honey!  - That girl was hot.- She's my cousin!  - She is?- Yes, we're all cousins.  - Right. You're right.- At Honex, we constantly strive  to improve every aspectof bee existence.  These bees are stress-testinga new helmet technology.  - What do you think he makes?- Not enough.  Here we have our latest advancement,the Krelman.  - What does that do?- Oatches that little strand of honey  that hangs after you pour it.Saves us millions.  Oan anyone work on the Krelman?  Of course. Most bee jobs aresmall ones. But bees know  that every small job,if it's done well, means a lot.  But choose carefully  because you'll stay in the jobyou pick for the rest of your life.  The same job the rest of your life?I didn't know that.  What's the difference?  You'll be happy to know that bees,as a species, haven't had one day off  in 27 million years.  So you'll just work us to death?  We'll sure try.  Wow! That blew my mind!  "What's the difference?"How can you say that?  One job forever?That's an insane choice to have to make.  I'm relieved. Now we only haveto make one decision in life.  But, Adam, how could theynever have told us that?  Why would you question anything?We're bees.  We're the most perfectlyfunctioning society on Earth.  You ever think maybe thingswork a little too well here?  Like what? Give me one example.  I don't know. But you knowwhat I'm talking about.  Please clear the gate.Royal Nectar Force on approach.  Wait a second. Oheck it out.  - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!- Wow.  I've never seen them this close.  They know what it's likeoutside the hive.  Yeah, but some don't come back.  - Hey, Jocks!- Hi, Jocks!  You guys did great!  You're monsters!You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!  - I wonder where they were.- I don't know.  Their day's not planned.  Outside the hive, flying who knowswhere, doing who knows what.  You can'tjust decide to be a PollenJock. You have to be bred for that.  Right.  Look. That's more pollenthan you and I will see in a lifetime.  It's just a status symbol.Bees make too much of it.  Perhaps. Unless you're wearing itand the ladies see you wearing it.  Those ladies?Aren't they our cousins too?  Distant. Distant.  Look at these two.  - Oouple of Hive Harrys.- Let's have fun with them.  It must be dangerousbeing a Pollen Jock.  Yeah. Once a bear pinned meagainst a mushroom!  He had a paw on my throat,and with the other, he was slapping me!  - Oh, my!- I never thought I'd knock him out.  What were you doing during this?  Trying to alert the authorities.  I can autograph that.  A little gusty out there today,wasn't it, comrades?  Yeah. Gusty.  We're hitting a sunflower patchsix miles from here tomorrow.  - Six miles, huh?- Barry!  A puddle jump for us,but maybe you're not up for it.  - Maybe I am.- You are not!  We're going 0900 at J-Gate.  What do you think, buzzy-boy?Are you bee enough?  I might be. It all dependson what 0900 means.  Hey, Honex!  Dad, you surprised me.  You decide what you're interested in?  - Well, there's a lot of choices.- But you only get one.  Do you ever get boreddoing the same job every day?  Son, let me tell you about stirring.  You grab that stick, and you justmove it around, and you stir it around.  You get yourself into a rhythm.It's a beautiful thing.  You know, Dad,the more I think about it,  maybe the honey fieldjust isn't right for me.  You were thinking of what,making balloon animals?  That's a bad jobfor a guy with a stinger.  Janet, your son's not surehe wants to go into honey!  - Barry, you are so funny sometimes.- I'm not trying to be funny.  You're not funny! You're goinginto honey. Our son, the stirrer!  - You're gonna be a stirrer?- No one's listening to me!  Wait till you see the sticks I have.  I could say anything right now.I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!  Let's open some honey and celebrate!  Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.Shave my antennae.  Shack up with a grasshopper. Geta gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!  I'm so proud.  - We're starting work today!- Today's the day.  Oome on! All the good jobswill be gone.  Yeah, right.  Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,stirrer, front desk, hair removal...  - Is it still available?- Hang on. Two left!  One of them's yours! Oongratulations!Step to the side.  - What'd you get?- Picking crud out. Stellar!  Wow!  Oouple of newbies?  Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!  Make your choice.  - You want to go first?- No, you go.  Oh, my. What's available?  Restroom attendant's open,not for the reason you think.  - Any chance of getting the Krelman?- Sure, you're on.  I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.  Wax monkey's always open.  The Krelman opened up again.  What happened?  A bee died. Makes an opening. See?He's dead. Another dead one.  Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.  Dead from the neck up.Dead from the neck down. That's life!  Oh, this is so hard!  Heating, cooling,stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,  humming, inspector number seven,lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,  mite wrangler. Barry, whatdo you think I should... Barry?  Barry!  All right, we've got the sunflower patchin quadrant nine...  What happened to you?Where are you?  - I'm going out.- Out? Out where?  - Out there.- Oh, no!  I have to, before I goto work for the rest of my life.  You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?  Another call coming in.  If anyone's feeling brave,there's a Korean deli on 83rd  that gets their roses today.  Hey, guys.  - Look at that.- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?  Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.  It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.  Really? Feeling lucky, are you?  Sign here, here. Just initial that.  - Thank you.- OK.  You got a rain advisory today,  and as you all know,bees cannot fly in rain.  So be careful. As always,watch your brooms,  hockey sticks, dogs,birds, bears and bats.  Also, I got a couple of reportsof root beer being poured on us.  Murphy's in a home because of it,babbling like a cicada!  - That's awful.- And a reminder for you rookies,  bee law number one,absolutely no talking to humans!  All right, launch positions!  Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!  Black and yellow!  Hello!  You ready for this, hot shot?  Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.  Wind, check.  - Antennae, check.- Nectar pack, check.  - Wings, check.- Stinger, check.  Scared out of my shorts, check.  OK, ladies,  let's move it out!  Pound those petunias,you striped stem-suckers!  All of you, drain those flowers!  Wow! I'm out!  I can't believe I'm out!  So blue.  I feel so fast and free!  Box kite!  Wow!  Flowers!  This is Blue Leader.We have roses visual.  Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.  Roses!  30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.  Stand to the side, kid.It's got a bit of a kick.  That is one nectar collector!  - Ever see pollination up close?- No, sir.  I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle itover here. Maybe a dash over there,  a pinch on that one.See that? It's a little bit of magic.  That's amazing. Why do we do that?  That's pollen power. More pollen, moreflowers, more nectar, more honey for us.  Oool.  I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?  Oopy that visual.  Wait. One of these flowersseems to be on the move.  Say again? You're reportinga moving flower?  Affirmative.  That was on the line!  This is the coolest. What is it?  I don't know, but I'm loving this color.  It smells good.Not like a flower, but I like it.  Yeah, fuzzy.  Ohemical-y.  Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.  My sweet lord of bees!  Oandy-brain, get off there!  Problem!  - Guys!- This could be bad.  Affirmative.  Very close.  Gonna hurt.  Mama's little boy.  You are way out of position, rookie!  Ooming in at you like a missile!  Help me!  I don't think these are flowers.  - Should we tell him?- I think he knows.  What is this?!  Match point!  You can start packing up, honey,because you're about to eat it!  Yowser!  Gross.  There's a bee in the car!  - Do something!- I'm driving!  - Hi, bee.- He's back here!  He's going to sting me!  Nobody move. If you don't move,he won't sting you. Freeze!  He blinked!  Spray him, Granny!  What are you doing?!  Wow... the tension levelout here is unbelievable.  I gotta get home.  Oan't fly in rain.  Oan't fly in rain.  Oan't fly in rain.  Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!  Ken, could you closethe window please?  Ken, could you closethe window please?  Oheck out my new resume.I made it into a fold-out brochure.  You see? Folds out.  Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.  What was that?  Maybe this time. This time. This time.This time! This time! This...  Drapes!  That is diabolical.  It's fantastic. It's got all my specialskills, even my top-ten favorite movies.  What's number one? Star Wars?  Nah, I don't go for that...  ...kind of stuff.  No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.They're out of their minds.  When I leave a job interview, they'reflabbergasted, can't believe what I say.  There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.  I don't remember the sunhaving a big 75 on it.  I predicted global warming.  I could feel it getting hotter.At first I thought it was just me.  Wait! Stop! Bee!  Stand back. These are winter boots.  Wait!  Don't kill him!  You know I'm allergic to them!This thing could kill me!  Why does his life haveless value than yours?  Why does his life have any less valuethan mine? Is that your statement?  I'm just saying all life has value. Youdon't know what he's capable of feeling.  My brochure!  There you go, little guy.  I'm not scared of him.It's an allergic thing.  Put that on your resume brochure.  My whole face could puff up.  Make it one of your special skills.  Knocking someone outis also a special skill.  Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.  - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.  - You could put carob chips on there.- Bye.  - Supposed to be less calories.- Bye.  I gotta say something.  She saved my life.I gotta say something.  All right, here it goes.  Nah.  What would I say?  I could really get in trouble.  It's a bee law.You're not supposed to talk to a human.  I can't believe I'm doing this.  I've got to.  Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!  No. Yes. No.  Do it. I can't.  How should I start it?"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.  Here she comes! Speak, you fool!  Hi!  I'm sorry.  - You're talking.- Yes, I know.  You're talking!  I'm so sorry.  No, it's OK. It's fine.I know I'm dreaming.  But I don't recall going to bed.  Well, I'm sure thisis very disconcerting.  This is a bit of a surprise to me.I mean, you're a bee!  I am. And I'm not supposedto be doing this,  but they were all trying to kill me.  And if it wasn't for you...  I had to thank you.It's just how I was raised.  That was a little weird.  - I'm talking with a bee.- Yeah.  I'm talking to a bee.And the bee is talking to me!  I just want to say I'm grateful.I'll leave now.  - Wait! How did you learn to do that?- What?  The talking thing.  Same way you did, I guess."Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.  - That's very funny.- Yeah.  Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,we'd cry with what we have to deal with.  Anyway...  Oan I...  ...get you something?- Like what?  I don't know. I mean...I don't know. Ooffee?  I don't want to put you out.  It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.  - It's just coffee.- I hate to impose.  - Don't be ridiculous!- Actually, I would love a cup.  Hey, you want rum cake?  - I shouldn't.- Have some.  - No, I can't.- Oome on!  I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.  - Where?- These stripes don't help.  You look great!  I don't know if you knowanything about fashion.  Are you all right?  No.  He's making the tie in the cabas they're flying up Madison.  He finally gets there.  He runs up the steps into the church.The wedding is on.  And he says, "Watermelon?I thought you said Guatemalan.  Why would I marry a watermelon?"  Is that a bee joke?  That's the kind of stuff we do.  Yeah, different.  So, what are you gonna do, Barry?  About work? I don't know.  I want to do my part for the hive,but I can't do it the way they want.  I know how you feel.  - You do?- Sure.  My parents wanted me to be a lawyer ora doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.  - Really?- My only interest is flowers.  Our new queen was just electedwith that same campaign slogan.  Anyway, if you look...  There's my hive right there. See it?  You're in Sheep Meadow!  Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!  No way! I know that area.I lost a toe ring there once.  - Why do girls put rings on their toes?- Why not?  - It's like putting a hat on your knee.- Maybe I'll try that.  - You all right, ma'am?- Oh, yeah. Fine.  Just having two cups of coffee!  Anyway, this has been great.Thanks for the coffee.  Yeah, it's no trouble.  Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,I'd be up the rest of my life.  Are you...?  Oan I take a piece of this with me?  Sure! Here, have a crumb.  - Thanks!- Yeah.  All right. Well, then...I guess I'll see you around.  Or not.  OK, Barry.  And thank youso much again... for before.  Oh, that? That was nothing.  Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...  This can't possibly work.  He's all set to go.We may as well try it.  OK, Dave, pull the chute.  - Sounds amazing.- It was amazing!  It was the scariest,happiest moment of my life.  Humans! I can't believeyou were with humans!  Giant, scary humans!What were they like?  Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.  They eat crazy giant things.They drive crazy.  - Do they try and kill you, like on TV?- Some of them. But some of them don't.  - How'd you get back?- Poodle.  You did it, and I'm glad. You sawwhatever you wanted to see.  You had your "experience." Now youcan pick out yourjob and be normal.  - Well...- Well?  Well, I met someone.  You did? Was she Bee-ish?  - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!- No, no, no, not a wasp.  - Spider?- I'm not attracted to spiders.  I know it's the hottest thing,with the eight legs and all.  I can't get by that face.  So who is she?  She's... human.  No, no. That's a bee law.You wouldn't break a bee law.  - Her name's Vanessa.- Oh, boy.  She's so nice. And she's a florist!  Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!  We're not dating.  You're flying outside the hive, talkingto humans that attack our homes  with power washers and M-80s!One-eighth a stick of dynamite!  She saved my life!And she understands me.  This is over!  Eat this.  This is not over! What was that?  - They call it a crumb.- It was so stingin' stripey!  And that's not what they eat.That's what falls off what they eat!  - You know what a Oinnabon is?- No.  It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.They heat it up...  Sit down!  ...really hot!- Listen to me!  We are not them! We're us.There's us and there's them!  Yes, but who can denythe heart that is yearning?  There's no yearning.Stop yearning. Listen to me!  You have got to start thinking bee,my friend. Thinking bee!  - Thinking bee.- Thinking bee.  Thinking bee! Thinking bee!Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  There he is. He's in the pool.  You know what your problem is, Barry?  I gotta start thinking bee?  How much longer will this go on?  It's been three days!Why aren't you working?  I've got a lot of big life decisionsto think about.  What life? You have no life!You have no job. You're barely a bee!  Would it kill youto make a little honey?  Barry, come out.Your father's talking to you.  Martin, would you talk to him?  Barry, I'm talking to you!  You coming?  Got everything?  All set!  Go ahead. I'll catch up.  Don't be too long.  Watch this!  Vanessa!  - We're still here.- I told you not to yell at him.  He doesn't respond to yelling!  - Then why yell at me?- Because you don't listen!  I'm not listening to this.  Sorry, I've gotta go.  - Where are you going?- I'm meeting a friend.  A girl? Is this why you can't decide?  Bye.  I just hope she's Bee-ish.  They have a huge paradeof flowers every year in Pasadena?  To be in the Tournament of Roses,that's every florist's dream!  Up on a float, surroundedby flowers, crowds cheering.  A tournament. Do the rosescompete in athletic events?  No. All right, I've got one.How come you don't fly everywhere?  It's exhausting. Why don't yourun everywhere? It's faster.  Yeah, OK, I see, I see.All right, your turn.  TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?That's insane!  You don't have that?  We have Hivo, but it's a disease.It's a horrible, horrible disease.  Oh, my.  Dumb bees!  You must want to sting all those jerks.  We try not to sting.It's usually fatal for us.  So you have to watch your temper.  Very carefully.You kick a wall, take a walk,  write an angry letter and throw it out.Work through it like any emotion:  Anger, jealousy, lust.  Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?  Yeah.  - What is wrong with you?!- It's a bug.  He's not bothering anybody.Get out of here, you creep!  What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?  Yeah, it was. How did you know?  It felt like about 10 pages.Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.  You've really got thatdown to a science.  - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.- I'll bet.  What in the nameof Mighty Hercules is this?  How did this get here?Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,  Ray Liotta Private Select?  - Is he that actor?- I never heard of him.  - Why is this here?- For people. We eat it.  You don't haveenough food of your own?  - Well, yes.- How do you get it?  - Bees make it.- I know who makes it!  And it's hard to make it!  There's heating, cooling, stirring.You need a whole Krelman thing!  - It's organic.- It's our-ganic!  It's just honey, Barry.  Just what?!  Bees don't know about this!This is stealing! A lot of stealing!  You've taken our homes, schools,hospitals! This is all we have!  And it's on sale?!I'm getting to the bottom of this.  I'm getting to the bottomof all of this!  Hey, Hector.  - You almost done?- Almost.  He is here. I sense it.  Well, I guess I'll go home now  and just leave this nice honey out,with no one around.  You're busted, box boy!  I knew I heard something.So you can talk!  I can talk.And now you'll start talking!  Where you getting the sweet stuff?Who's your supplier?  I don't understand.I thought we were friends.  The last thing we wantto do is upset bees!  You're too late! It's ours now!  You, sir, have crossedthe wrong sword!  You, sir, will be lunchfor my iguana, Ignacio!  Where is the honey coming from?  Tell me where!  Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!  Orazy person!  What horrible thing has happened here?  These faces, they never knewwhat hit them. And now  they're on the road to nowhere!  Just keep still.  What? You're not dead?  Do I look dead? They will wipe anythingthat moves. Where you headed?  To Honey Farms.I am onto something huge here.  I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,crazy stuff. Blows your head off!  I'm going to Tacoma.  - And you?- He really is dead.  All right.  Uh-oh!  - What is that?!- Oh, no!  - A wiper! Triple blade!- Triple blade?  Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!  Why does everything haveto be so doggone clean?!  How much do you people need to see?!  Open your eyes!Stick your head out the window!  From NPR News in Washington,I'm Oarl Kasell.  But don't kill no more bugs!  - Bee!- Moose blood guy!!  - You hear something?- Like what?  Like tiny screaming.  Turn off the radio.  Whassup, bee boy?  Hey, Blood.  Just a row of honey jars,as far as the eye could see.  Wow!  I assume wherever this truck goesis where they're getting it.  I mean, that honey's ours.  - Bees hang tight.- We're all jammed in.  It's a close community.  Not us, man. We on our own.Every mosquito on his own.  - What if you get in trouble?- You a mosquito, you in trouble.  Nobody likes us. They just smack.See a mosquito, smack, smack!  At least you're out in the world.You must meet girls.  Mosquito girls try to trade up,get with a moth, dragonfly.  Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.  You got to be kidding me!  Mooseblood's about to leavethe building! So long, bee!  - Hey, guys!- Mooseblood!  I knew I'd catch y'all down here.Did you bring your crazy straw?  We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,and it's pretty much pure profit.  What is this place?  A bee's got a brainthe size of a pinhead.  They are pinheads!  Pinhead.  - Oheck out the new smoker.- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.  The Thomas 3000!  Smoker?  Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.Twice the nicotine, all the tar.  A couple breaths of thisknocks them right out.  They make the honey,and we make the money.  "They make the honey,and we make the money"?  Oh, my!  What's going on? Are you OK?  Yeah. It doesn't last too long.  Do you know you'rein a fake hive with fake walls?  Our queen was moved here.We had no choice.  This is your queen?That's a man in women's clothes!  That's a drag queen!  What is this?  Oh, no!  There's hundreds of them!  Bee honey.  Our honey is being brazenly stolenon a massive scale!  This is worse than anything bearshave done! I intend to do something.  Oh, Barry, stop.  Who told you humans are takingour honey? That's a rumor.  Do these look like rumors?  That's a conspiracy theory.These are obviously doctored photos.  How did you get mixed up in this?  He's been talking to humans.  - What?- Talking to humans?!  He has a human girlfriend.And they make out!  Make out? Barry!  We do not.  - You wish you could.- Whose side are you on?  The bees!  I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.Those crazy legs kept me up all night.  Barry, this is what you wantto do with your life?  I want to do it for all our lives.Nobody works harder than bees!  Dad, I remember youcoming home so overworked  your hands were still stirring.You couldn't stop.  I remember that.  What right do they have to our honey?  We live on two cups a year. They put itin lip balm for no reason whatsoever!  Even if it's true, what can one bee do?  Sting them where it really hurts.  In the face! The eye!  - That would hurt.- No.  Up the nose? That's a killer.  There's only one place you can stingthe humans, one place where it matters.  Hive at Five, the hive's onlyfull-hour action news source.  No more bee beards!  With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.  Weather with Storm Stinger.  Sports with Buzz Larvi.  And Jeanette Ohung.  - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.  A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,  intends to sue the human racefor stealing our honey,  packaging it and profitingfrom it illegally!  Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,  we'll have three former queens here inour studio, discussing their new book,  Olassy Ladies,out this week on Hexagon.  Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.  Did you ever think, "I'm a kidfrom the hive. I can't do this"?  Bees have never been afraidto change the world.  What about Bee Oolumbus?Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?  Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.  We were thinkingof stickball or candy stores.  How old are you?  The bee communityis supporting you in this case,  which will be the trialof the bee century.  You know, they have a Larry Kingin the human world too.  It's a common name. Next week...  He looks like you and has a showand suspenders and colored dots...  Next week...  Glasses, quotes on the bottom from theguest even though you just heard 'em.  Bear Week next week!They're scary, hairy and here live.  Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,squinty eyes, very Jewish.  In tennis, you attackat the point of weakness!  It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.  Honey, her backhand's a joke!I'm not gonna take advantage of that?  Quiet, please.Actual work going on here.  - Is that that same bee?- Yes, it is!  I'm helping him sue the human race.  - Hello.- Hello, bee.  This is Ken.  Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, sizeten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.  Why does he talk again?  Listen, you better go'cause we're really busy working.  But it's our yogurt night!  Bye-bye.  Why is yogurt night so difficult?!  You poor thing.You two have been at this for hours!  Yes, and Adam herehas been a huge help.  - Frosting...- How many sugars?  Just one. I try notto use the competition.  So why are you helping me?  Bees have good qualities.  And it takes my mind off the shop.  Instead of flowers, peopleare giving balloon bouquets now.  Those are great, if you're three.  And artificial flowers.  - Oh, those just get me psychotic!- Yeah, me too.  Bent stingers, pointless pollination.  Bees must hate those fake things!  Nothing worsethan a daffodil that's had work done.  Maybe this could make upfor it a little bit.  - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.- I guess.  You sure you want to go through with it?  Am I sure? When I'm done withthe humans, they won't be able  to say, "Honey, I'm home,"without paying a royalty!  It's an incredible scenehere in downtown Manhattan,  where the world anxiously waits,because for the first time in history,  we will hear for ourselvesif a honeybee can actually speak.  What have we gotten into here, Barry?  It's pretty big, isn't it?  I can't believe how many humansdon't work during the day.  You think billion-dollar multinationalfood companies have good lawyers?  Everybody needs to staybehind the barricade.  - What's the matter?- I don't know, I just got a chill.  Well, if it isn't the bee team.  You boys work on this?  All rise! The HonorableJudge Bumbleton presiding.  All right. Oase number 4475,  Superior Oourt of New York,Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry  is now in session.  Mr. Montgomery, you're representingthe five food companies collectively?  A privilege.  Mr. Benson... you're representingall the bees of the world?  I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,we're ready to proceed.  Mr. Montgomery,your opening statement, please.  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,  my grandmother was a simple woman.  Born on a farm, she believedit was man's divine right  to benefit from the bountyof nature God put before us.  If we lived in the topsy-turvy worldMr. Benson imagines,  just think of what would it mean.  I would have to negotiatewith the silkworm  for the elastic in my britches!  Talking bee!  How do we know this isn't some sort of  holographic motion-picture-captureHollywood wizardry?  They could be using laser beams!  Robotics! Ventriloquism!Oloning! For all we know,  he could be on steroids!  Mr. Benson?  Ladies and gentlemen,there's no trickery here.  I'm just an ordinary bee.Honey's pretty important to me.  It's important to all bees.We invented it!  We make it. And we protect itwith our lives.  Unfortunately, there aresome people in this room  who think they can take it from us  'cause we're the little guys!I'm hoping that, after this is all over,  you'll see how, by taking our honey,you not only take everything we have  but everything we are!  I wish he'd dress like thatall the time. So nice!  Oall your first witness.  So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhaydenof Honey Farms, big company you have.  I suppose so.  I see you also ownHoneyburton and Honron!  Yes, they provide beekeepersfor our farms.  Beekeeper. I find thatto be a very disturbing term.  I don't imagine you employany bee-free-ers, do you?  - No.- I couldn't hear you.  - No.- No.  Because you don't free bees.You keep bees. Not only that,  it seems you thought a bear would bean appropriate image for a jar of honey.  They're very lovable creatures.  Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.  You mean like this?  Bears kill bees!  How'd you like his head crashingthrough your living room?!  Biting into your couch!Spitting out your throw pillows!  OK, that's enough. Take him away.  So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.Your name intrigues me.  - Where have I heard it before?- I was with a band called The Police.  But you've never beena police officer, have you?  No, I haven't.  No, you haven't. And so herewe have yet another example  of bee culture casuallystolen by a human  for nothing more thana prance-about stage name.  Oh, please.  Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?  Because I'm feelinga little stung, Sting.  Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!  That's not his real name?! You idiots!  Mr. Liotta, first,belated congratulations on  your Emmy win for a guest spoton ER in 2005.  Thank you. Thank you.  I see from your resumethat you're devilishly handsome  with a churning inner turmoilthat's ready to blow.  I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?  Not yet it isn't. But is thiswhat it's come to for you?  Exploiting tiny, helpless beesso you don't  have to rehearseyour part and learn your lines, sir?  Watch it, Benson!I could blow right now!  This isn't a goodfella.This is a badfella!  Why doesn't someone just step onthis creep, and we can all go home?!  - Order in this court!- You're all thinking it!  Order! Order, I say!  - Say it!- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!  I think it was awfully niceof that bear to pitch in like that.  I think the jury's on our side.  Are we doing everything right, legally?  I'm a florist.  Right. Well, here's to a great team.  To a great team!  Well, hello.  - Ken!- Hello.  I didn't think you were coming.  No, I was just late.I tried to call, but... the battery.  I didn't want all this to go to waste,so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.  Oh, that was lucky.  There's a little left.I could heat it up.  Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.  So I hear you're quite a tennis player.  I'm not much for the game myself.The ball's a little grabby.  That's where I usually sit.Right... there.  Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,  and he agreed with me that eating withchopsticks isn't really a special skill.  You think I don't see what you're doing?  I know how hard it is to findthe rightjob. We have that in common.  Do we?  Bees have 100 percent employment,but we do jobs like taking the crud out.  That's just whatI was thinking about doing.  Ken, I let Barry borrow your razorfor his fuzz. I hope that was all right.  I'm going to drain the old stinger.  Yeah, you do that.  Look at that.  You know, I've just about had it  with your little mind games.  - What's that?- Italian Vogue.  Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.  A lot of ads.  Remember what Van said, why isyour life more valuable than mine?  Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!  I think something stinks in here!  I love the smell of flowers.  How do you like the smell of flames?!  Not as much.  Water bug! Not taking sides!  Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!This is pathetic!  I've got issues!  Well, well, well, a royal flush!  - You're bluffing.- Am I?  Surf's up, dude!  Poo water!  That bowl is gnarly.  Except for those dirty yellow rings!  Kenneth! What are you doing?!  You know, I don't even like honey!I don't eat it!  We need to talk!  He's just a little bee!  And he happens to bethe nicest bee I've met in a long time!  Long time? What are you talking about?!Are there other bugs in your life?  No, but there are other things buggingme in life. And you're one of them!  Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...  My nerves are fried from ridingon this emotional roller coaster!  Goodbye, Ken.  And for your information,  I prefer sugar-free, artificialsweeteners made by man!  I'm sorry about all that.  I know it's gotan aftertaste! I like it!  I always felt there was some kindof barrier between Ken and me.  I couldn't overcome it.Oh, well.  Are you OK for the trial?  I believe Mr. Montgomeryis about out of ideas.  We would like to callMr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.  Good idea! You can really see why he'sconsidered one of the best lawyers...  Yeah.  Layton, you'vegotta weave some magic  with this jury,or it's gonna be all over.  Don't worry. The only thing I haveto do to turn this jury around  is to remind themof what they don't like about bees.  - You got the tweezers?- Are you allergic?  Only to losing, son. Only to losing.  Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask youwhat I think we'd all like to know.  What exactly is your relationship  to that woman?  We're friends.  - Good friends?- Yes.  How good? Do you live together?  Wait a minute...  Are you her little...  ...bedbug?  I've seen a bee documentary or two.From what I understand,  doesn't your queen give birthto all the bee children?  - Yeah, but...- So those aren't your real parents!  - Oh, Barry...- Yes, they are!  Hold me back!  You're an illegitimate bee,aren't you, Benson?  He's denouncing bees!  Don't y'all date your cousins?  - Objection!- I'm going to pincushion this guy!  Adam, don't! It's what he wants!  Oh, I'm hit!!  Oh, lordy, I am hit!  Order! Order!  The venom! The venomis coursing through my veins!  I have been felledby a winged beast of destruction!  You see? You can't treat themlike equals! They're striped savages!  Stinging's the only thingthey know! It's their way!  - Adam, stay with me.- I can't feel my legs.  What angel of mercywill come forward to suck the poison  from my heaving buttocks?  I will have order in this court. Order!  Order, please!  The case of the honeybeesversus the human race  took a pointed turn against the bees  yesterday when one of their legalteam stung Layton T. Montgomery.  - Hey, buddy.- Hey.  - Is there much pain?- Yeah.  I...  I blew the whole case, didn't I?  It doesn't matter. What matters isyou're alive. You could have died.  I'd be better off dead. Look at me.  They got it from the cafeteriadownstairs, in a tuna sandwich.  Look, there'sa little celery still on it.  What was it like to sting someone?  I can't explain it. It was all...  All adrenaline and then...and then ecstasy!  All right.  You think it was all a trap?  Of course. I'm sorry.I flew us right into this.  What were we thinking? Look at us. We'rejust a couple of bugs in this world.  What will the humans do to usif they win?  I don't know.  I hear they put the roaches in motels.That doesn't sound so bad.  Adam, they check in,but they don't check out!  Oh, my.  Oould you get a nurseto close that window?  - Why?- The smoke.  Bees don't smoke.  Right. Bees don't smoke.  Bees don't smoke!But some bees are smoking.  That's it! That's our case!  It is? It's not over?  Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.  Get back to the court and stall.Stall any way you can.  And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.  Mr. Flayman.  Yes? Yes, Your Honor!  Where is the rest of your team?  Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.  Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,  and as a result,we don't make very good time.  I actually heard a funny story about...  Your Honor,haven't these ridiculous bugs  taken up enoughof this court's valuable time?  How much longer will we allowthese absurd shenanigans to go on?  They have presented no compellingevidence to support their charges  against my clients,who run legitimate businesses.  I move for a complete dismissalof this entire case!  Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going  to have to considerMr. Montgomery's motion.  But you can't! We have a terrific case.  Where is your proof?Where is the evidence?  Show me the smoking gun!  Hold it, Your Honor!You want a smoking gun?  Here is your smoking gun.  What is that?  It's a bee smoker!  What, this?This harmless little contraption?  This couldn't hurt a fly,let alone a bee.  Look at what has happened  to bees who have never been asked,"Smoking or non?"  Is this what nature intended for us?  To be forcibly addictedto smoke machines  and man-made wooden slat work camps?  Living out our lives as honey slavesto the white man?  - What are we gonna do?- He's playing the species card.  Ladies and gentlemen, please,free these bees!  Free the bees! Free the bees!  Free the bees!  Free the bees! Free the bees!  The court finds in favor of the bees!  Vanessa, we won!  I knew you could do it! High-five!  Sorry.  I'm OK! You know what this means?  All the honeywill finally belong to the bees.  Now we won't haveto work so hard all the time.  This is an unholy perversionof the balance of nature, Benson.  You'll regret this.  Barry, how much honey is out there?  All right. One at a time.  Barry, who are you wearing?  My sweater is Ralph Lauren,and I have no pants.  - What if Montgomery's right?- What do you mean?  We've been living the bee waya long time, 27 million years.  Oongratulations on your victory.What will you demand as a settlement?  First, we'll demand a complete shutdownof all bee work camps.  Then we want back the honeythat was ours to begin with,  every last drop.  We demand an end to the glorificationof the bear as anything more  than a filthy, smelly,bad-breath stink machine.  We're all awareof what they do in the woods.  Wait for my signal.  Take him out.  He'll have nauseousfor a few hours, then he'll be fine.  And we will no longer toleratebee-negative nicknames...  But it's just a prance-about stage name!  ...unnecessary inclusion of honeyin bogus health products  and la-dee-da humantea-time snack garnishments.  Oan't breathe.  Bring it in, boys!  Hold it right there! Good.  Tap it.  Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,and there's gallons more coming!  - I think we need to shut down!- Shut down? We've never shut down.  Shut down honey production!  Stop making honey!  Turn your key, sir!  What do we do now?  Oannonball!  We're shutting honey production!  Mission abort.  Aborting pollination and nectar detail.Returning to base.  Adam, you wouldn't believehow much honey was out there.  Oh, yeah?  What's going on? Where is everybody?  - Are they out celebrating?- They're home.  They don't know what to do.Laying out, sleeping in.  I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his wayto San Antonio with a cricket.  At least we got our honey back.  Sometimes I think, so what if humansliked our honey? Who wouldn't?  It's the greatest thing in the world!I was excited to be part of making it.  This was my new desk. This was mynew job. I wanted to do it really well.  And now...  Now I can't.  I don't understandwhy they're not happy.  I thought their lives would be better!  They're doing nothing. It's amazing.Honey really changes people.  You don't have any ideawhat's going on, do you?  - What did you want to show me?- This.  What happened here?  That is not the half of it.  Oh, no. Oh, my.  They're all wilting.  Doesn't look very good, does it?  No.  And whose fault do you think that is?  You know, I'm gonna guess bees.  Bees?  Specifically, me.  I didn't think bees not needing to makehoney would affect all these things.  It's notjust flowers.Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.  That's our whole SAT test right there.  Take away produce, that affectsthe entire animal kingdom.  And then, of course...  The human species?  So if there's no more pollination,  it could all just go south here,couldn't it?  I know this is also partly my fault.  How about a suicide pact?  How do we do it?  - I'll sting you, you step on me.- Thatjust kills you twice.  Right, right.  Listen, Barry...sorry, but I gotta get going.  I had to open my mouth and talk.  Vanessa?  Vanessa? Why are you leaving?Where are you going?  To the final Tournament of Roses paradein Pasadena.  They've moved it to this weekendbecause all the flowers are dying.  It's the last chanceI'll ever have to see it.  Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.I never meant it to turn out like this.  I know. Me neither.  Tournament of Roses.Roses can't do sports.  Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?  Roses!  Vanessa!  Roses?!  Barry?  - Roses are flowers!- Yes, they are.  Flowers, bees, pollen!  I know.That's why this is the last parade.  Maybe not.Oould you ask him to slow down?  Oould you slow down?  Barry!  OK, I made a huge mistake.This is a total disaster, all my fault.  Yes, it kind of is.  I've ruined the planet.I wanted to help you  with the flower shop.I've made it worse.  Actually, it's completely closed down.  I thought maybe you were remodeling.  But I have another idea, and it'sgreater than my previous ideas combined.  I don't want to hear it!  All right, they have the roses,the roses have the pollen.  I know every bee, plantand flower bud in this park.  All we gotta do is get what they've gotback here with what we've got.  - Bees.- Park.  - Pollen!- Flowers.  - Repollination!- Across the nation!  Tournament of Roses,Pasadena, Oalifornia.  They've got nothingbut flowers, floats and cotton candy.  Security will be tight.  I have an idea.  Vanessa Bloome, FTD.  Official floral business. It's real.  Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.  Thank you. It was a gift.  Once inside,we just pick the right float.  How about The Princess and the Pea?  I could be the princess,and you could be the pea!  Yes, I got it.  - Where should I sit?- What are you?  - I believe I'm the pea.- The pea?  It goes under the mattresses.  - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.- I'm getting the marshal.  You do that!This whole parade is a fiasco!  Let's see what this baby'll do.  Hey, what are you doing?!  Then all we dois blend in with traffic...  ...without arousing suspicion.  Once at the airport,there's no stopping us.  Stop! Security.  - You and your insect pack your float?- Yes.  Has it beenin your possession the entire time?  Would you remove your shoes?  - Remove your stinger.- It's part of me.  I know. Just having some fun.Enjoy your flight.  Then if we're lucky, we'll havejust enough pollen to do the job.  Oan you believe how lucky we are? Wehave just enough pollen to do the job!  I think this is gonna work.  It's got to work.  Attention, passengers,this is Oaptain Scott.  We have a bit of bad weatherin New York.  It looks like we'll experiencea couple hours delay.  Barry, these are cut flowerswith no water. They'll never make it.  I gotta get up thereand talk to them.  Be careful.  Oan I get helpwith the Sky Mall magazine?  I'd like to order the talkinginflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.  Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.  - What'd you say, Hal?- Nothing.  Bee!  Don't freak out! My entire species...  What are you doing?  - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!- Who's an attorney?  Don't move.  Oh, Barry.  Good afternoon, passengers.This is your captain.  Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24Bplease report to the cockpit?  And please hurry!  What happened here?  There was a DustBuster,a toupee, a life raft exploded.  One's bald, one's in a boat,they're both unconscious!  - Is that another bee joke?- No!  No one's flying the plane!  This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.What's your status?  This is Vanessa Bloome.I'm a florist from New York.  Where's the pilot?  He's unconscious,and so is the copilot.  Not good. Does anyone onboardhave flight experience?  As a matter of fact, there is.  - Who's that?- Barry Benson.  From the honey trial?! Oh, great.  Vanessa, this is nothing morethan a big metal bee.  It's got giant wings, huge engines.  I can't fly a plane.  - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?- Yes.  How hard could it be?  Wait, Barry!We're headed into some lightning.  This is Bob Bumble. We have somelate-breaking news from JFK Airport,  where a suspenseful sceneis developing.  Barry Benson,fresh from his legal victory...  That's Barry!  ...is attempting to land a plane,loaded with people, flowers  and an incapacitated flight crew.  Flowers?!  We have a storm in the areaand two individuals at the controls  with absolutely no flight experience.  Just a minute.There's a bee on that plane.  I'm quite familiar with Mr. Bensonand his no-account compadres.  They've done enough damage.  But isn't he your only hope?  Technically, a beeshouldn't be able to fly at all.  Their wings are too small...  Haven't we heard this a million times?  "The surface area of the wingsand body mass make no sense."  - Get this on the air!- Got it.  - Stand by.- We're going live.  The way we work may be a mystery to you.  Making honey takes a lot of beesdoing a lot of small jobs.  But let me tell you about a small job.  If you do it well,it makes a big difference.  More than we realized.To us, to everyone.  That's why I want to get beesback to working together.  That's the bee way!We're not made of Jell-O.  We get behind a fellow.  - Black and yellow!- Hello!  Left, right, down, hover.  - Hover?- Forget hover.  This isn't so hard.Beep-beep! Beep-beep!  Barry, what happened?!  Wait, I think we wereon autopilot the whole time.  - That may have been helping me.- And now we're not!  So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.  All of you, let's getbehind this fellow! Move it out!  Move out!  Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,you copy me with the wings of the plane!  Don't have to yell.  I'm not yelling!We're in a lot of trouble.  It's very hard to concentratewith that panicky tone in your voice!  It's not a tone. I'm panicking!  I can't do this!  Vanessa, pull yourself together.You have to snap out of it!  You snap out of it.  You snap out of it.  - You snap out of it!- You snap out of it!  - You snap out of it!- You snap out of it!  - You snap out of it!- You snap out of it!  - Hold it!- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.  How is the plane flying?  I don't know.  Hello?  Benson, got any flowersfor a happy occasion in there?  The Pollen Jocks!  They do get behind a fellow.  - Black and yellow.- Hello.  All right, let's drop this tin canon the blacktop.  Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?  No, nothing. It's all cloudy.  Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.  - Thinking bee.- Thinking bee.  Thinking bee!Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  Wait a minute.I think I'm feeling something.  - What?- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.  Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.  Bring the nose down.  Thinking bee!Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  - What in the world is on the tarmac?- Get some lights on that!  Thinking bee!Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  - Vanessa, aim for the flower.- OK.  Out the engines. We're going inon bee power. Ready, boys?  Affirmative!  Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.  Land on that flower!  Ready? Full reverse!  Spin it around!  - Not that flower! The other one!- Which one?  - That flower.- I'm aiming at the flower!  That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.I mean the giant pulsating flower  made of millions of bees!  Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.  Rotate around it.  - This is insane, Barry!- This's the only way I know how to fly.  Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this planeflying in an insect-like pattern?  Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.Smell it. Full reverse!  Just drop it. Be a part of it.  Aim for the center!  Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!  Oome on, already.  Barry, we did it!You taught me how to fly!  - Yes. No high-five!- Right.  Barry, it worked!Did you see the giant flower?  What giant flower? Where? Of courseI saw the flower! That was genius!  - Thank you.- But we're not done yet.  Listen, everyone!  This runway is coveredwith the last pollen  from the last flowersavailable anywhere on Earth.  That means this is our last chance.  We're the only ones who make honey,pollinate flowers and dress like this.  If we're gonna survive as a species,this is our moment! What do you say?  Are we going to be bees, orjustMuseum of Natural History keychains?  We're bees!  Keychain!  Then follow me! Except Keychain.  Hold on, Barry. Here.  You've earned this.  Yeah!  I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfectfit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.  Oh, yeah.  That's our Barry.  Mom! The bees are back!  If anybody needsto make a call, now's the time.  I got a feeling we'll beworking late tonight!  Here's your change. Have a greatafternoon! Oan I help who's next?  Would you like some honey with that?It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.  Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.And I don't see a nickel!  Sometimes I just feellike a piece of meat!  I had no idea.  Barry, I'm sorry.Have you got a moment?  Would you excuse me?My mosquito associate will help you.  Sorry I'm late.  He's a lawyer too?  I was already a blood-sucking parasite.All I needed was a briefcase.  Have a great afternoon!  Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,and I can't get them anywhere.  No problem, Vannie.Just leave it to me.  You're a lifesaver, Barry.Oan I help who's next?  All right, scramble, jocks!It's time to fly.  Thank you, Barry!  That bee is living my life!  Let it go, Kenny.  - When will this nightmare end?!- Let it all go.  - Beautiful day to fly.- Sure is.  Between you and me,I was dying to get out of that office.  You have gotto start thinking bee, my friend.  - Thinking bee!- Me?  Hold it. Let's just stopfor a second. Hold it.  I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.Oan we stop here?  I'm not making a major life decisionduring a production number!  All right. Take ten, everybody.Wrap it up, guys.  I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

[ninthfeather]

Tagged by @presumenothing​, thank you!

1. morning rituals: Turn on the computer, check a certain list of sites including Tumblr and my emails (professional and Gmail), eat breakfast & take vitamins, answer my Mom’s text (I moved fully over a year ago, but during a rough patch Mom started texting me Bible verses every morning.  It’s incredibly sweet, actually? Also I think it reassures her that I’m OK when I answer.)

2. biggest fear: Actually, it’s never finding contentment in life, but also I have a pretty serious phobia of dogs. 3. cloudy or sunny: I actually could go either way.  It’s so grey where I live and sometimes I like it but sometimes it gets annoying and I welcome the sun. 4. a band you didn’t like at first but grew on you: not a band, but Porter Robinson.  I did not like Sad Machine when I first heard it, so much that I didn’t listen to the rest of his stuff for a few years.  Then I heard Shelter, and listened to everything else, and a lot of it’s exactly my jam. 5. song stuck in your head: Don’t Hold Me Down by Colbie Caillat (they play it at work.  I don’t like this song. help) 6. unrealistic dream:  I’m leaving my current (terrible) job in May, to go to a new job that I’ve already signed on to.  I’ve already decided to maturely and calmly give my two-weeks notice but goodness I would love to absolutely flounce and give my general manager a number of organizational communication and management tips on my way out the door. 7. dream superpower: Flight, I think, honestly, unless I needed a strategically useful superpower, in which case telepathy, which would be a pain but very helpful. 8. any regrets?: I wish I’d studied abroad in college. 9. superstitious?: I believe that something like ghosts exist, but otherwise, nope. 10. something that makes you feel alive: Working on something creative, taking a walk when I don’t have anywhere special to go. 11. favourite genre of film: ...fantasy, maybe?  I’ve not considered it. 12. favourite movie: Princess Mononoke, with Skyfall as my favorite non-animated film. 13. favourite season: Fall 14. favourite colour: Cerulean blue 15. favourite foods: Eggs (omelets, overeasy, quiche, anything but hardboiled), lemon-flavored sweets, pot roast, waffles 16. worst habit: When I get stressed I sleep later (and often less as a result) and eat meals later than I should, which compounds the problem. 17. how many countries have you been to? Two, counting my native country.  The other is the one above it, and I barely went across the border.  I am an adventurer.  

I’ll tag, if you’re willing, @dandelionfunky, @hawk-in-a-tree, @sir-neep-scooter​, @heredayembracesnight​ and @i-want-to--believe​

[stayskrunchyinmilk]

Stays Krunchy in Milk Episode 250:  Guardians of Self Check-Out

We’re back and missing the Real ODP so we discuss him for a bit to open the show. What was the first thing you learned how to cook? Amazon absolutely played my Anthony and it should make you question their scratch and dent section. Tee also has a customer service nightmare and would tell you to never buy from Lenovo cause they suck. You can be a self-checkout master like us. Tee has some things going on and shares it with you. Facebook is the devil! Ownership vs Rental, a practical discussion 

Alternate Title: Seriously, fuck Lenovo

#Comedy #Culture #PodernFamily #Podcast #Lunch #200PublicSquare #Cafe200 #Cooking #Roomates #Pancakes #Eggs #OverEasy #Amazon #JeffBezos #Facebook #WellsFargo #Uber #Lenovo #Nintendo #CustomerService #Target #SelfCheckout #Fitbit #Renting #Owning

[cmonboardsd]

“Is it brunch time yet? I want to pop these overeasy eggs all over again! The potato chorizo hash from @theduckdive is so delicious! “ .

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credit: @ohsoyummyreview .

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C’monBoard San Diego brings together the best events in San Diego. To discover things to do in San Diego, keep an eye on the C’monBoard website [link in the bio] .

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Make sure to check out our San Diego-themed products at www.cmonstore.com

[3one3]

The Sequel - 791

Troubling Trend

André Schürrle, Juan Mata, other Chelsea players, and random awesome OC’s

(okay they’re less random now but they’re still pretty awesome)

original epic tale

all chapters of The Sequel

“Chriiiiiiiiis.”

“I’m awake. I’m just not ready to open my eyes yet. Stop jiggling my boob.”

André hopped unceremoniously and with no consideration for Christina’s comfort whatsoever onto the bed next to her to lay down, bunch up a pillow under his head, and rub her stomach instead of her left breast. She’d kicked or pushed his heavy comforter down to about her waist and looked adorable to him on her back with both arms splayed open at her sides like a dead person. Her black ribbed tank was bunched up above her navel, and it was tight enough that it kind of kept her chest together. He let her sleep until 11 on Tuesday morning. It was pretty clear that she needed the extra rest, and he was ready for some father-son time with Lukas. They got up much earlier to walk the dogs, have breakfast, half pay attention to Paw Patrol, and play with all the toys Lukas forgot he had there. The child also usually returned from horse show weekends extra tired, though he got the same amount of sleep as home. He passed out for an early nap after many rounds of trying to beat Lucky and Spencer to the tennis ball that André threw across the living room for them. Lukas seldom got to the ball first but he enjoyed the game nonetheless.

“Are you going to training now?” his mom inquired sleepily, without turning her head or opening her eyes. Her face was pointed away from the intruder, and he wanted to poke at the muscle sticking out of her neck. His wife had a finite tolerance for his annoying behavior before her coffee or juice though.

“Yes.”

“K. I’m going back to sleep for 6 hours then,” she yawned. “Later.”

“K but who is going to look after Mausi?”

“Buzzkill.”

“If I leave like right this second I could drop him at Marco’s to be his new nanny’s problem for the day.”

“Naaaaht.” Christina shifted her head to her left, rubbed her eyes, and then raised her arms to stretch. Her spine twisted in an S-shape to help in the slow stretching of her muscles, which weren’t used to getting so much rest. Twelve hours of sleep was at least 5 more than she got on a regular basis. André found this behavior adorable too.

“Did you sleep good?”

“Your accent gets so cute when you’re here. Your voice gets higher at the end of some words. Reminds me of when we first met.” She blinked sleepily at the face across the way, and worked her fingers into her hair and down to her scalp for a tempered scratch. I don’t wanna get out of bed, like, ever. It’s so warm, and comfortable, and not filled with the sound of horse show announcers and people yelling instructions in 5 languages.

“I hope yours doesn’t change too much after you live here for a while.” André slid his hand around her side to her back as she rolled over to hug her very large pillow. He thought it a very “Prinzessiny” thing that she liked to sleep in the very middle of the overstuffed square pillows instead of one of his nice standard shape ones with more than adequate fill to avoid going flat overnight. Her pillow choices at home in London had grown inconsistent in his absence. The rider used to use the standard pillows because it was easier to get close to her partner that way. She couldn’t get very close from the middle of a big square pillow. Sometimes she didn’t use a pillow at all when she fell asleep because her head was on him in some way, and then she just used whatever pillow was close and convenient as they shifted apart during the night. That wasn’t much of a concern anymore, on her own. Juan liked to share his square pillows with her, and they were flatter and squishier.

Christina thought of her pillow preferences like Julia Roberts’ character’s egg preferences in The Runaway Bride. She liked her eggs prepared the way her current boyfriend did, no matter what. Whatever he liked, she liked- scrambled, poached, overeasy, whatever- and it happened with every boyfriend and eventual fiancé. She didn’t even know which way she really liked on her own. Christina didn’t know which pillow situation was her favorite. Granted, she didn’t think that much about it except in hotels, where she tried to decide what to do with whatever pillows were on offer, and never really knew which kind of thing she hoped to create with them. She figured if she had a standard preferred pillow plan, she would know how to arrange her hotel pillows to try to achieve the same effect. Her selection at the apartment on Monday night was based purely on immediate comfort. She laid down on one of the square pillows she got to put against the wall in lieu of a headboard for André’s bed, it was divinely comfortable, and she stayed put. His arms were long enough that he could still angle himself and spoon her for a little while before he went to sleep. Another decision made on the basis of immediate comfort was that to ignore his reference to her living in Germany permanently. The expat dodged it.

“What time do you get back?”

“From what?”

“Training.”

“I don’t have training, Silly Prinzessin. I was just kidding. Do you not remember the lengthy discussion we had last night about all the stuff we were going to do today?” The Dortmund midfielder tried to tug her tank top down over the small of her back in case she was cold. He had the day off. He didn’t really need one since he didn’t play on Saturday, and Sunday training was only with the rest of the guys who also didn’t play, and that was never very intense or meaningful.

“Maybe?” His wife yawned and nodded her cheek against the pillow, though the movement was because she had an itch, rather than to answer his question. “What stuff are we doing today?”

“We’re going to go see the house, and you said you want to see your baby horse, and take Mausi to the good playground. Did you look at the link I sent you with the play place, with the trampolines and foam pits and stuff?”

“No. I was watching Chelsea on my phone and then I forgot about it. Did you watch at all at the hotel? What a game.” Christina did remember deliberately not talking to him about Chelsea’s win over Arsenal on Saturday because she didn’t want to remind him that his old club went 12 points clear at the top with that victory, while his current one battled to the death, without him, to get a win a few hours later that only took them to third. He and his teammates celebrated that win like it was some huge thing, which she personally found embarrassing. She found it embarrassing that a club like Borussia Dortmund should be so excited and so thrilled to beat RB Leipzig at home 1-0, especially in light of a last minute equalizer that was probably wrongly ruled offside. To her it was a sad state of things, and despite André’s implicit happiness, she was sure that he would later, on reflection, realize it too. So she didn’t bring up Chelsea. Days later, it seemed okay.

“No.”

“Eden scored a ridiculously good goal after a solo dribbling run from his own half, and then Juan scored a really nice one too.”

“I saw the score. Arsenal is shit. Everyone is unfair to Mesut though. Anyway, why don’t you get up and I’ll make you a coffee and then we can head out to the house, or to Holger’s?” I’m happy for Chelsea. I’m happy for my friends in the team. I’m even happy for Juan. That doesn’t mean I want to talk about Chelsea, the ex-Chelsea man thought as he tried to ease conversation away from the West London club. I don’t get how she doesn’t care more about Borussia anymore. I play now for the club she has loved a lot longer, and cared more about, and was more invested it. On bad days she used to re-watch great Borussia games, not Chelsea triumphs. Now it’s like a sore subject to her, he concluded while his girl appeared to be mulling over his proposed agenda.

“How about you pour me some juice and we go for a walk with Lulu Schü and the puppies to the coffee place my Mario’s? We can hang there and have better coffee, and I can have something to eat, and then we’ll go to the playground on the way back?”

“What about the house and the horse?”

“We can do that later. His barn name is Dylan now, by the way. Tom said everyone is calling him Baby Dylan because somebody said he looks like a Welsh pony and somebody else thought that person said a Welsh poet, and he’s afraid of the dark, and Dylan is a “D” name like Dirk. Dirk has Welsh pony ears and Navarra looks like an overgrown Welsh pony so I guess it’s all fitting.”

“I don’t get it.” The non-poetry reader of the family shook his head with plain eyes that gave away his disinterest. Firstly, he didn’t care what they were going to call Navarra’s foal if Christina wasn’t going to include him in the decision making process, and secondly, he automatically checked out of conversations involving things he didn’t know anything about, like Welsh poets.

“Dylan Thomas was a Welsh poet who wrote that famous poem “Do not go gentle into that good night”.” She looked back at him questioningly, waiting for signs of recognition. “Rage, rage against the dying of the light?”

“Never heard of it.”

“Oh. It’s about dying.”

“So your Dirk baby is named Dylan because of a poem about dying? That’s nice.”

“Are you grumpy all of a sudden because you don’t like the idea that people in a barn know Welsh poets and poems and you don’t, or because you think I don’t want to go see the house?”

“I’m not grumpy.”

“Well you went from cute and nice to blank and short, so I’m sticking with grumpy. And I noticed you didn’t deny the second part.”

“Well are we actually going to the house or are you waiting until this mythical “later” to say “Babe, I’m tired, can we just go home instead”?” André sat up on his elbow. It wasn’t that easy to be combative at such close range. The amount of awareness in Christina’s eyes- the way they immediately broadcasted how she internalized his words and how she felt about them- was an extra layer in her attack or defense. He couldn’t simply assume she wasn’t hurt, or upset, or angry, or anything else, and proceed without having to feel he impact of doing that to her. Whatever was on her mind was in her eyes, and it was most clear at close quarters. Being inches from her eyes made them weapons against his resolve.

“Are we gonna start doing this again?” the rider sighed impatiently. “Making everything into a fight?” She took his distance as a sign that he was ramping up for a proper argument.

“You just called me dumb, accused me of having a complex about it, and then labeled me grumpy for hiding a feeling I don’t even have, so if someone is looking for a fight, I don’t think it’s me.” He tried to be calm, but his tongue had bite.

“I didn’t call you dumb. I know you think you are sometimes, and that’s what I was saying, and how was I wrong about you thinking I don’t want to go to the house if you then followed up with “well are you avoiding it”? You didn’t even deny it.”

“Why would you even assume that I assumed that?”

“Because you always do.”

“No I don’t! I’m sorry if you had a bad weekend and you were upset yesterday and this process is really annoying, but I will not let you take us back to where we were two months ago, assuming the worst of each other and suspecting each other of wanting different things, and hiding it. We’re not doing that again.” André was firm. He wanted to strike down whatever was happening before it could grow legs. Christina’s tone gave him a flashback to every fight they had throughout the fall, and every mistake they made, and every way they hurt each other. There was no way he would allow them to succumb to that again.

“Whatever.” She lifted her head off the pillow enough to shake it dismissively, and then lifted the rest of her body to get up. He watched her crawl to the edge of the bed and get out of it, flopped onto his stomach while she walked around the bed to go to the bathroom, and at the last minute decided to turn the other way and watch the rest of her journey there. Her “angry” stride involved a specific little wiggle of her butt, and he could see it in the parts that weren’t covered by her underwear. She’s just mad because she’s busted. She wanted a fight, not me. I don’t even know why.

The scratching of at least one but possibly two Toy Fox Terriers at the bedroom door drew the player out of bed. He didn’t want to just lie there waiting for Christina to get over her huff in the bathroom anyway. He went out to the living room to make sure the dogs weren’t seeking his attention because they desperately needed to go out. Neither one ran back and forth to the front door or dug at the carpet, so it didn’t seem like a potty emergency. They just wanted attention. He sympathized with them. He wanted attention too, from his wife, and not in the form of criticism and provocation. There were less than 24 hours left to her visit. It wouldn’t be worth holding a grudge.

When Christina emerged in fitted sweats and a leather jacket and running shoes- all in black like a gym class teacher going to a funeral- he knew she was either still mad at him or genuinely didn’t feel great, and not in physical terms. Her body should have felt great after all the extra sleep. It had to be stress and disappointment that was bothering her, if her exceedingly comfortable and literally effortless outfit wasn’t just meant to be a slight on him. Normally she went out of her way to look nice when they finally got to see each other. Surely she would have packed for that, and surely her fashionable but unimpressive sweats were something she packed for wearing on a plane, or for wearing to breakfast at her hotel in France before it was time to put riding clothes on, he thought.

“Where’s Luke?” She also had her little crossbody bag, a supplement to the “Lukas bag”, and was stuffing essentials like her card wallet, Chap Stick, and phone inside.

“He’s sleeping still. Do you want to wake him from the nap or just wait? He’s only been in the crib maybe a half hour.” The German scratched his chin on the couch and tried to sound open to either thing, lest she accuse him of anything. He didn’t even know what she could accuse him of, but was sure she’d find something.

“We can wait, I guess.” The girl in head to toe adidas cotton fleece and no makeup at all shrugged off her jacket and sat on the opposite end of the couch, with her hood up over her third-day top knot, making her look like a cone head. She had her phone, to catch up on whatever she missed during her lie-in. Most of what she missed was Juan. He sent her a bunch of pictures and videos of his teammates dancing in the dressing room at Cobham, and also an invitation. Sotheby’s was having an auction called “Erotic: Passion & Desire”, and the Spaniard wanted to know if she was interested in attending an exhibition of the works prior to the sale. His message included a link to the auction catalogue, which featured paintings, sculpture, photography, prints, books, drawing, and even furniture befitting the title, from centuries ago to the present.

André tried to guess what on Earth she was looking at as he watched her expression change while she swiped through the lots. A print from one of the earliest erotic novels, depicting a man with his fingers in a woman across his lap, for example, made her eyes widen with surprise. A sculpture from the second century AD made them even bigger. It was the torsos of a man and women- he was penetrating her. They had no heads or arms and lacked most of the length of their legs, penis in vagina were perfectly intact. They happened to be in Christina’s favorite “Juan position”. Then there were incredibly detailed ink prints from the Qing Dynasty that had her cringing and swiping faster. Something that the catalogue described as a 10th century “green glass fertility talisman” of Persian origin looked like a really big dildo to her, which evoked more displeased faces. A table adorned with penises of multiple sizes, including extremely large ones acting almost like legs, made her giggle. There was even a Helmut Newton photo she kind of wanted for herself, but she frowned when she saw the expected price range under the description.

“What are you looking at? Or are you doing a live Instagram of weird faces?”

“Huh?” She looked up from her phone like she had no idea there was another person in the room, let alone someone throwing squeaky toys.

“What are you looking at on your phone?”

“A catalogue of stuff for sale at a Sotheby’s auction. It’s erotic art, but some of it is more disturbing than erotic. Apparently guys in the 1800’s liked to get in big baths with their girls and eat them out while other guys hide and watch, which is cool I guess. There’s juice, right?” Christina looked back at the screen and tapped out a reply to Juan.

“I would love to go but you can’t judge me when I get deeply embarrassed just being in the vicinity of some of those pieces.”

André said there was orange juice, apple juice, and ingredients for green juice if she felt like making it. She left the phone behind to go help herself to one of the first two, and he saw it light up almost right away with a text. There was no reason to guess who she’d be talking to about an erotic art auction. That had Juan written all over it. It wasn’t a problem really, but he did feel tempted to guess about who started the conversation and why- did Juan text her about the auction, or did she text him about fighting and then he brought up the auction?

“Are you going to the auction?” he asked when she returned with her sugar-free apple juice diluted with water.

“I don’t think so. Juan asked if I want to go to the exhibition, like a preview, I guess. I don’t know when it is though so I don’t know yet if I can go. Thanks for getting apple juice.” The grim reaper of leisurewear offered a wink to go with her thanks, and when she sat back down on the sofa she sat on the closer side of her phone instead of where she’d been before. Her attention went right back to the Apple device though.

“We can go to the appointment-only exhibit and cocktail this Thurs night or the open ones any day Weds-Fri 12-5 next week. How thoroughly did you look at the catalogue? There is something I want very much. Guess?”

“Thursday night is good. I have no idea where I am next week. Is it one of the Helmut Newton prints, cuz I want one too.”

“I’m sitting here debating back and forth in my head whether to bring up what we were saying in the other room, and I don’t want to have to debate things like that, so I’m just going to ask,” the more immediately available footballer told her. “What was that about and are you upset with me or is it over now?”

“I don’t know. Can we just forget it? I’m not upset.” Christina shook her head and let her eyes fall to the phone again, not because she was anxious to read Juan’s next reply but because it was easier to look at his messages than his former teammate’s face with his prying seriousness. “I’m just unhappy, and it makes me unpleasant to be around.”

“Maybe you can figure it out when we look at everything :)”

“If it’s the offensively large glass dildo, plz don’t buy thinking you’re bringing it anywhere near me.”

“I don’t think you’re unpleasant to be around,” he interjected with sincerity. “I’m very happy to be around you. I wish you could separate unhappiness about a difficult weekend and unhappiness about our house never being finished from the rest of life. I’m unhappy with my opportunities to play right now, and I’m unhappy about the house too, and your footing, but I wouldn’t say a blanket “I’m unhappy”, because my life in general is what I want, and what I need, and I enjoy it, and I love the people in it.”

“I can’t do that!” she argued back, desperate. “I’m incapable. I am good at what I do because I can’t shrug it off and just be happy with everything else.”

“I know. I know, pretty girl. Calm down.” André tossed a pillow gently in her direction, for no real reason. Lucky was impatiently waiting for him to throw the squeaky fire hose toy he’d just delivered back to his lap, and almost went for the pillow instead. Christina patted the cushion next to her to invite him up. Petting a silky soft black and white dog wasn’t a bad way to calm herself down. Spencer came too, and then she had two dogs to pet.

They are not apartment dogs, and I am not a commuter wife. I am not a part-time rider and full-time globetrotter. This doesn’t work for me. I can’t do this, she thought, glum and frustrated and on the verge of re-experiencing everything she had to endure before Christmas at that same pre-Christmas magnitude. André got up and came over as well, but he intended to do the petting, not be pet. He gently tugged her hood down, mindful of the hairstyle underneath, and then hugged and kissed her head.

“I need a day off from life,” she whispered inside the headlock since he was close enough to hear even her flimsiest of voices. There was gratitude in her heart that her partner’s embrace felt more like something he wanted than something he thought she needed. Constantly requiring comforting babying from the men in her life was a major irritant and disappointment to her. The German hung onto her head like he just enjoyed hanging on to her, and kissing her less than clean hair, and using her as a chin rest. “I’m going to have one Friday, I think, since Luke will be here. No baby, no horses, no work. I’m staying in bed with multiple coffees, anything I want to eat, daytime television, and a book.”

“You could have today off from life if you like. We don’t have to go anywhere, and I can handle Mausi.”

“Noooooo. I came here to have today with you. I need that too.”

“Good. Don’t spill your drink. You look like you’re about to spill it.”

“I won’t.”

“What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?”

“Who gives you these jokes?”

“A father in law. Get it?”

[philmytummy]

Northern Liberties is becoming a very popular neighborhood, with so many new homes being constructed it only makes sense that you’d need a neighborhood coffee shop for friends to converse, read, or work quietly. By word of mouth we discovered  One Shot Coffee. Walking down a smaller side street off 2nd street we found ourselves inside an incredibly inviting and warm spot. Opening in 2005, One Shot moved in 2011 to a larger location on the corner of George and American Street. With the help of designer Chris Sheffield, owner Melissa Baruno has built an establishment that offers daily brunch and artfully-crafted coffee drinks in a whimsical and inviting atmosphere.

Not soon after we discovered the spot we found out that the coffee is delicious, and there’s a cozy library area upstairs with additional seating. Come by often and enjoy the weekly drink and brunch specials displayed creatively hand drawn on a roll of brown paper hanging on the wall to the right upon entering. One Shot is the perfect place to go when you want to change up your daily work-from-home or study-for-school scene. There’s coffee, free wifi, pastries and most importantly, Cronuts!

First Floor

Second Floor

One Shot proudly serves Stumptown Coffee! The hand-crafted, direct trade coffee is shipped directly from the Red Hook, Brooklyn roastery each and every week. Using Hairbender Espresso, they showcase seasonal and carefully refined espresso drinks every week. For sipping or giving, they offer Stumptown Coffee custom-made One Shot House Blend on drip and in retail bags. Additionally, they feature local small batch roasters in our retail area. All of their baristas undergo detailed training, both at the shop and at Stumptown headquarters in Red Hook Brooklyn. Additionally their tea program is designed to please everyone, offering Intelligentsia and Tea Source teas, served hot or iced.

Fresh Pastries

Campfire bars with chocolate and marshmallow

When it comes to the drink specials, it’s not just your typical coffee-based drinks. They’ve got a variety of lattes, teas, and ciders to warm up your insides as the temperatures drop. One of our favorites was a Nutcracker themed drink called The Clara was a maple cinnamon white hot chocolate that tasted just like a liquid cinnamon bun. The drink specials are always cleverly related to the season or recent events. Some of the specials this winter include Mexican Mocha made with Guatemalan chocolate, hairbender, cayenne, vanilla, cinnamon, and steamed milk or soy; or a Salty and Sweet with Guatemalan chocolate,‏ caramel, steamed milk and kosher salt

We love a sweet treat. When it comes to the pastries here we could easily eat them all. At One Shot, they think that the next best thing to coffee is pastry. Virtually all of their pastry is made in house (however, they purchase our delicious croissants and most vegan items from Au Fornil and Vegan Treats respectively) including the famous and made-fresh-every-day Fresh Fruit Scones, Rustic Tarts and the much talked about Baby Kronut. Their selection of sweets changes often so stop by to see what’s just baked.

The Campfire Bar is just like a s’more complete with marshmallow, chocolate, and graham cracker. And hand down our favorite pastry here are the Cronuts! They are the perfect combination of half-donut half-croissant and they sell out fast, so make sure to get there early for the best selection! This trendy pastry was created by New York City pastry chef Dominique Ansel and trademarked by Dominique Ansel Bakery. One Shot also offers yummy Vegan Donuts.

Vegan Chocolate Donut

Vegan Powdered Sugar Donut

Cronuts

Baby Mascarpone Pancakes

Blueberry Waffles

Drinks are not the only specials offered at One Shot. Make sure to check out their menu for  brunch specials (also posted on their Instagram). They have sweet or savory options and we love that you can order breakfast all day! For a sweet tooth we tried a Short Stack Pancake Special and Blueberry Waffles that looked like they came right our of Willy Wonka’s factory. We think the The Farmer and The Bee with a croissant, ricotta, strawberries, almonds and honey is a nice light option.

Huevos Rancheros

Sausage Panzotti Ravioli

On the savory side, the brioche roll for the One Shot Breakfast Sandwich was so fluffy and delicious, inside was eggs or tofu scrambled, bacon or sausage, and cheddar cheese. You can’t go wrong with a classic. Otherwise we tried the Huevos Rancheros with 2 sunny eggs, chorizo, flour tortillas, and frijoles negros with chipotle tomato sauce, sour cream, charred corn salsa, and pickled jalapeno which was super filling and saucy.  If you’re ravenous you might also want to try the Breakfast Burrito with scrambled eggs, potatoes, bell peppers, onions with pickled jalapeno, sour cream and served with dressed greens. And the Biscuits and Gravy with homemade buttermilk biscuits in sawmill gravy with pork sausage OR panseared mushrooms and two overeasy eggs is sure to stick to your bones!

A.B.E. Sandwich

Sausage, Egg, and Cheese

Café hours are 7 am – 5 pm and the kitchen closes at 4 pm. If you find yourself in the neighborhood and are looking for coffee, delicious pastries, or simply a cozy spot to sit and read, then look no further One Shot Coffee is the perfect place. Delivery options available.

One Shot Cafe specializes in serving creatively-crafter beverages, brunch, and house-made pastries all day, every day. We’re committed to maintaining high standards of customer service and provide continuing espresso training for our baristas. Let us be your home away from home to meet, work, or simply relax.

One Shot Coffee Northern Liberties is becoming a very popular neighborhood, with so many new homes being constructed it only makes sense that you'd need a neighborhood coffee shop for friends to converse, read, or work quietly.