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freddiesaysalright · 6 years ago

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My Man Part IV

A Ben!Roger Taylor x Reader Fic

Summary: Reader is a Broadway actress currently starring in a West End production of Funny Girl. She’s a widow, thanks to the Vietnam War, but it’s a well-kept secret. She also wants everyone to think she doesn’t care for rock music. She met Roger Taylor when he brought his date backstage. They didn’t start off great, but a party at Freddie’s turned them around. Now, they’re friends.

Word Count: 2.1K

Tag List: @bohemian-war @kittygirlno @rebelrebelyourefaceisamess @rockyroadthepastryarchy @goodoldfashionedloverboyy @jennyggggrrr @discodeacygotmorerhythm @x1975sos If you’d like to be added, let me know!

Part I Part II Part III

Over the coming weeks, your time with Roger became as sacred to you as the hours you were on stage each night. He was so open and fun and passionate, and he brought that out of you whether you realized it or not. In the years after losing George, you became a ghost. A shadow of a woman who went through the motions. You only showed energy on stage. With Roger, you were alive. You were an active participant in your spirit flourishing. Even Gary told you that your Fanny Brice was improved. You sang more soulfully, your jokes hit harder, and your tears meant more.

You could not place when exactly Roger had done this for you. But you guessed it was the slow chipping away at the wall around your heart. It had taken years to build. Now came this idiot drummer with a good smile and wicked humor. It made you incredibly happy but more conflicted than ever.

You could not deny your attraction to him after that first of several erotic dreams about him. Even when you were awake and he touched your arm or hugged you, you thought about what it would be like. Not only to make love to him, but to be his. To give him your heart completely.

Then you remembered George. True, it had been years, but he was the only man you’d ever been with. And you thought the love you shared with him was once in a lifetime. When he died, you told yourself there was no way you could ever feel that again. But with Roger, you felt the butterflies and the happiness. It was less hopeful than with George, since you were terrified of being hurt more than ever. Your heart was beaten and battered and you did not think you could take it if you lost Roger too. All the emotions would hit you at once and you’d get so overwhelmed. Weirdly enough, the person to calm you down was always Roger.

You also hung out with the band a lot. They were always popping over to each others’ places and spending time, even outside the studio. It was very sweet.

One day, you were at Roger’s and he was playing around on the drums. You liked to watch him play because his focus was incredible. You got to see how seriously he took his craft. It reminded you of all your late nights going over lines or pushing your voice to hit a note just once more. You had never realized how much went into drumming before.

“How do you do that?” you wondered aloud.

He stopped. “Do what?”

“Look so effortlessly talented.”

His brow furrowed. “Are you joking?”

“No!” you assured him. “You just make it look so easy.”

“It’s not,” he replied, smiling a little. “But don’t you think you do the same thing?”

“I don’t look like I’m having nearly as much fun,” you said.

“I disagree.”

“Could you teach me?” you asked suddenly.

His face lit up like the Fourth of July. “Hell yeah!”

He beckoned you over and let you take a seat behind the drum set. He stood behind you and guided you through a couple beats from Queen songs. You struggled through it, often doing the same thing with both hands.

Chuckling, he said, “Let me help you.”

He wrapped his hands around yours and moved them for you, slowly. His touch was soft and warm and you could feel his breath on your neck as he leaned over you. It sent a shiver down your spine.

Then he watched you attempt it again. You couldn’t help but notice the way he bit his lip watching you play. After a few more tries, you got it on your own.

“I nailed it!” you cried, excitedly. “But seriously, I don’t know how you do this.”

“Years of practice,” he returned. “Just like you, I expect.”

“That’s true.”

“Can you teach me something?” he asked, a sly look on his face.

“What could I possibly teach you?” you returned.

“Teach me to dance,” he said.

“I suppose I can try,” you agreed. “Move the couch back and I’ll move the coffee table.”

You did so, and it left ample space for the pair of you. He met you in the center of the room, and you were barely a foot from one another. You moved to adjust his arms for his frame before coming to stand in front of him again.

“Have you ever done the foxtrot?” you asked.

“Never in my life,” he told you.

“Okay,” you said with a laugh. “It’s not too difficult, I swear.”

You showed him the basic steps; what to do on which count and how to hold his frame. You felt a bit flushed at times when he was holding you so close. You took a turn about the room, and he finished with dipping you, causing you to laugh.

“Very good!” you praised as he led you upright again.

“Have I swept you off your feet?” he teased.

You rolled your eyes.

“I’ll just have to keep working on it then,” he said.

“Let’s put the furniture back,” you said.

Just when his living room was returned to its usual state, the door burst open. In walked Freddie, John, and Brian. They looked at Roger expectantly.

“What is it, guys?” he asked.

“Did either of you read the latest issue of In Tune?” Brian asked.

In Tune was a gossip magazine specifically about musicians. It was generally considered garbage, and yet they still sold out on shelves. Even a fake scandal was better than nothing, apparently.

“No,” you answered. “My eyes happen to be attached to my brain.”

Roger sniggered. John tossed you the magazine.

“You two made the front page,” he said.

“What?!” you gasped, looking at the cover.

It was true. There was a photo of you and Roger leaving a movie theater. The headline read, “Roger Taylor’s New Flame! A Secret Wedding?” In the corner, they had placed a close up of your left hand where your wedding ring was visible.

“Alright, Y/N, front page!” Roger joked, offering his hand for a high five.

You gave it to him, grinning. “Tony’s be damned, this is the greatest accomplishment of my life!”

They all laughed.

“How did you find this?” you asked.

“Saw it on the news stand,” Brian explained.

“I was just so thrilled they weren’t talking about me for once,” Freddie added.

“Did you read the article?” you wondered.

“No, we figured we’d wait and share that with you,” Freddie said.

You checked the cover and saw that the story was on page thirteen. Eagerly, you flipped to it and began to read aloud; “Roger Taylor, drummer for the infamous rock band Queen, was spotted coming out of a London cinema with a mystery lady last weekend. We suspect the pair eloped and have been together for months, as Taylor has not been seen in public with the usual amount of bimbos around him - now, that’s rude - for several weeks. Also, the new woman wears a plain band on her left ring finger. Could it be the playboy drummer has settled down at last? We intend to find out more! - Ugh it just goes on about women you’ve taken out before.”

“Do they really not know you’re the star of a West End show?” John wondered, taking the magazine and scanning it. “That seems rather ignorant.”

“That’s In Tune for you,” you said. “All about the rock stars and disco divas. Nothing about us poor, untalented Broadway performers.”

“It does mention you were seeing Grease,” John pointed out.

“Well, that is vital information,” Brian said.

Freddie looked at Roger. “Really? Grease?”

“She likes musicals!” Roger returned indignantly. “Also it was a cheap, late night showing.”

“A right Prince Charming, you are,” Brian remarked.

“Shut up,” Roger retorted.

“Really, you’d think you could splurge for the new Mrs,” you chimed in.

“Alright, next time I’ll take you to Paris,” he said. “How’s that for romance?”

“Can we still go see Grease though?” you said through a laugh.

“Sorry, but John Travolta’s head is too large for his body and it freaks me out,” he replied.

You giggled. “What the hell?”

“It’s just a thing,” he said with a shrug.

“My darlings, we’ve got to be at the studio,” Freddie interrupted. “We’re already late.”

“Only ‘cause we picked you up first,” John said.

Freddie grinned and then looked at you. “Would you like to come along?”

You shook your head. “I’ve got to get home before I head to the theater.”

“Want me to walk you home, Y/N?” Roger offered.

“No, thanks, I can make it,” you said.

“Have a good show,” he told you.

“Break a leg, darling,” Freddie said. “And come have dinner with us when it’s over.”

“You’ve got it, Mr. Mercury,” you promised.

You left after hugging them all. As you walked, you reflected. Each time you left Roger, your guilt subsided a little. You felt lighter than air as you entered your own flat. But your thoughts were interrupted when your phone rang.

“Hello?” you answered.

“Y/N,” the voice on the other end of the line was your agent, Stephen. “Are you busy?”

“Not at all, what’s up?” you asked.

“I’ve got incredible news for you,” he said. “There’s a production of Oklahoma in the works for here on West End, and the director is in town today. He called me and asked if you’d be willing to try for the part of Laurie!”

You nearly dropped your phone. Laurie was your dream role. The one that made you want to be an actress in the first place.

“You still there?” he asked.

“Yes,” you said, a little breathless. “I’m just - you know how I feel about that role!”

“I do, dear!” he returned. “I’m so excited for you! Can you meet him tomorrow at his hotel room?”

You froze. Meeting a stranger at his hotel room seemed odd. It was far from professional. You normally met a director or producer at a theater if they didn’t have an office.

“Is everything okay?” Stephen asked. “I know it’s a bit unorthodox, but he’s heading to America in three days to meet with the guy he wants for Curly. If you want me to tell him you can’t - ”

“Don’t be silly, I’ll go there,” you said, trying to sound more easy about it than you were.

“Great, I’ll let him know,” he said. “He wants to meet at two.”

He gave you the address and you wrote it down. You thanked Stephen and when you hung up, you squealed.

“I’m going to be Laurie!” you cried, pumping your fist in the air.

Later that night, you met up with Roger and the guys for dinner like you promised. As soon as you got to the restaurant, you ran to Roger and leapt into his arms. He spun you around and kissed your cheek.

“What’s got into you?” he wondered.

“I got the best news before the show tonight,” you said.

You explained to them what your agent said and they congratulated you. Roger was silent, though.

“What?” you asked.

“I don’t like the idea of you meeting him in a hotel room,” he said. “It’s sketchy.”

“Come on, Rog, you heard what she said,” Brian said, comfortingly. “It’s an unusual circumstance. I’m sure they’ll meet again properly, but she’s got to get her foot in the door.”

“Thank you, Mr. May,” you said, and then turned back to Roger. “Can’t you just be supportive?”

He frowned but agreed. “Of course. Congrats, Y/N.”

“Thank you,” you returned, but the tension remained the rest of the night.

When dinner was over, Roger did walk you home. As you fell in step beside him, his silence made you crazy. It felt childish but you refused to be the first one to speak. If he had a problem with how you handled your career, that was on him. You had nothing to apologize for.

“Can I see that address again?” he said, coming to an abrupt stop.

It was an odd way to begin an apology, but you obliged. You fetched the slip of paper from your bag and handed it to him.

“This is right around the corner from the studio,” he said. “Will you come by afterward and tell me how it goes?”

You beamed. “Of course I will!”

“Wonderful,” he returned and then gave you the directions. “You will be careful, won’t you?”

“You know me,” you said. “I’m always careful. Plus, I’m a grown woman. I don’t need protecting. Okay?”

With an irritated sigh he said, “Okay.”

“Thank you,” you returned. “Now, get me home, I’m getting cold.”

He didn’t reply, but took you under his arm for the rest of the walk.

#queen #roger taylor x reader #ben hardy x reader #ben!roger x reader #bohemian rhapsody #borhap #ben hardy #ben!roger taylor #ben!roger imagine #roger taylor #roger taylor x you #queen fanfic #queen imagine #freddie mercury #brian may #john deacon #rami malek #gwilym lee #joe mazzello

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james-bucky-barnackle · 7 years ago

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Space Between Us (Part 2)

Synopsis: Set in an alternate universe, Y/N and Bucky have been best friends since forever, but sometimes being friends is just not enough. What happens when all of a sudden, your closeness suddenly gets separated by a space you two created yourselves because you were both afraid to face the music?

~ PART 1 ~

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2700

A/N: This is straight up a romcom, also I’m sorry for posting an update on this fic late - and suddenly writing other stuff lmao. This part also centers around y/n but it’s setting up something interesting for the next

2: You become him: 2 years apart

It’s been 2 years since I’ve got settled in and a month since Bucky last visited. He brought pizza and we spent the whole afternoon binge-watching Kitchen Nightmares. It sounds weird when I think about it, but I can’t explain how it happened. Everything was back to normal, well not normal-normal but enough to seem like it was better than the situation we were under months before. Here we were throwing crusts at the screen laughing like idiots whenever one of the restaurant owners would get slammed hard by Ramsay. We were like how we always were, maybe moving out turned out to be a good decision. Not seeing each other every day helped a lot with piecing our friendship back together at least for my side of things – I mean I was the only one trapped in a one-sided love affair. It felt healthy, Bucky came by once every other month and when he couldn’t he’d call me on the phone and tell me about his life before inquiring about mine. Most people would think I’m stupid for still hanging out with him, but even I couldn’t understand how I can’t simply drop him. The world may shake to the extreme and he’ll still be rooted on the ground ready to hold me, and I would be too. This is progress, you know? We’re not living in the same place anymore, we don’t see each other every day, and I’m slowly getting used to living on my own without him, with him just being on the sidelines. He’s just part of the bigger picture now, and not the whole thing. He probably made it easier for me, I knew how much he resisted asking me to let him stay over whenever he’d drop by or how he’d always try to keep our phone calls at a minimum. He gave me space for something he didn’t even know the reason to why I needed it.

The loft looks a lot like a home now, I’ve gotten way too much pillows for the bed and the couch that they’re pretty much scattered around the place, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was one at the bathroom, it’s disgusting but that’s an accurate representation of just how much pillows I’ve got. One of the two bedrooms I have, I’ve made into an office, with a huge cork board in front of my table. I like facing the wall and not the door, I get scared very easily so, it’s best I don’t face that direction. I’ve pasted photos of me and well – Bucky. I’ve got a couple of stupid awards pinned on the wall too, I should get frames for those. I look at the clock and it says eleven.

“Shit!”, I say scurrying as I pull my coat out and look for my keys before heading out and closing the door behind me. New day, new restaurant, new thing to write about. It’s a long story how I came to be a food critic but it’s something I enjoy and get by. Being a writer, I’ve had so many jobs where I wrote things I didn’t give a damn about, and when I started writing about cuisine (which is still a word I can’t take seriously), and everyone believing what I wrote on paper, I raised my eyebrows, gave it a once over, and said “this is it, this is what I’m doing”, well until I grow tired of it, but it’s been 6 years and I’m still at it. Talk about my being devoted. I get out of the building and a black range rover starts blasting its horn.

“Alright! Alright, I’m here. I didn’t hear my alarm go off okay?”, I say as I get on the passenger’s seat. I turn behind me and throw my bag, hearing clutter clash inside of it.

“If it weren’t for the free food I get whenever I join you in your escapades, I would’ve been long gone with the handsome valet guy from the hotel next door”, George grins at me. I peek at the window to see who he was talking about, the guy working at the valet, with brown hair and tanned skin, muscles obviously taken care of, seeing as how it was nearly popping out his uniform.

“Gosh, don’t you think it’s too early for some sexy role play? He’s clearly lost George, I wouldn’t trust him with my car”, raising my eyebrows, a chuckle escaping from my mouth. That guy was clearly not a valet. George hits the gas and we we’re on our way to Casa Manila, a Philippine restaurant in Manhattan.

I’ve gotten 10 hours of sleep, but I’m still tired. George is telling me a story about how his neighbor Matilda couldn’t smell his disdain for her, seeing as how she obviously had the hots for him. If I hadn’t met him during an office party with Ben from accounting and his mouth all over his neck, I’d have the hots for him too, I mean, his English accent would’ve sent my undies flying. “Well maybe if you start bringing boys to the apartment, she’d take a hint”. I say as I put my shades on and drift to sleep.

A few minutes later, we were at the reception of the restaurant, where the statuesque blonde host quickly ushered us to our seat when she found out who I was. The interior was a tropical paradise, traditional in a sense, but a huge contrast from the concrete jungle outside. Light beige covered the walls, weaved chairs were present, never thought they would look like a million bucks but I guess they made it work. I always thought they’d look cheap and itchy but I was just in awe of how the light shines through the huge windows onto the tables and chairs looking bright and welcoming.

“Of course, they’d give you the corner to the window”, George says as he follows to where the host pulls out a chair for me and a young lad introducing himself as our server for tonight. I grin and shake my head of course, they did. They always placed me in a place where I’d feel important but really because it’s in perfect view from the kitchen door windows to see my reaction. I thanked the host and take my time to check the menu and in minutes have chosen today’s target. Eyeing George, he’s found his too. And the waiter excuses himself to fetch our order.

The kitchen was buzzing more than ever, the waiter wrote “VIP” on the ticket in blue ink. George has been used to watching me smile when I make people nervous, or uncomfortable. It was one of my many talents. Let me tell you about George. He’s too tall for his own good, has brown wavy hair, the I-don’t-care-but-I-really-do-care type of hair, the cool guy hair, great hair. He has brown eyes, gentle eyes that would make anyone melt, he’s lean and has a long face like a Disney prince would, with dimples of course, but has got short patience. And an hour after we met at the office party I mentioned earlier, he put his arm on my shoulder loudly stating I was his ride and that we were going home with absolute conviction, after finding out Ben from accounting was married and had two kids. And I ended up driving him to the convenience store he led me to only to wait for him as he came out with a box of beer and some chips and we went straight to his place, ran up to the rooftop and stayed up all night talking about our love an hatred for men. He was home away from home. I knew then we’d be inseparable. As the appetizers we ordered came in, I felt eyes on us, and it’s not from the staff.

“I’m surprised you haven’t melted yet, that man has been glancing this way before we even looked at the menu”, He smirks placing his hand under his chin raising his right brow.

I steal a look and he’s gorgeous, he looks like he was cut straight out a Calvin Klein ad. He’s wearing an off-white suit, looking like a Ken doll with his blue eyes, blond hair and a jaw that could cut seamlessly through butter.

“Well?”, George interrupts my quick inspection. I didn’t even realize I was biting my lip, I roll my eyes at George and give him a devilish grin.

“Maybe for dessert”

“Very brave, Y/N.”

I shrug my shoulders and he laughs as I put my hand on the back of my neck to turn my head towards his direction, and when he realizes I’ve caught him looking, he shyly smiles and looks away at the instant.

“I’m going to write it as fresh, creative and confident,” the waiter hides the huge grin on his face with the tray he’s held up. He puts his hand behind his back and signals a thumb up, which makes the onlookers in the kitchen run wild. I wipe any food residue from my lips as George drinks his champagne. Today’s work was over, we had the rest of the day to ourselves, easy. Just as I put the napkin down, my phone buzzes, I look to see who it is, and its him. My eyes grow wide at George, a smile on my lips, as he shook his head at me. It’s a text message, he wants me to call when I’ve got the time he wants to tell me something important and that he’s excited about it, oh I have the time.

“Who’s got you smiling like you’re on cloud nine?” George inquires.

“It’s Bucky! My Bucky. Told me he’s in town and has something important to tell me, looks like he’s pretty excited about it” I suddenly feel stupid calling him mine.

“Remind me who?” I was ready for a little story time.

“Bucky, my best friend. We met during college and were inseparable ever since. We even lived together for three years,” I was trying to make George remember, surely I’ve told him about Bucky, right? He was still skeptical “You know, we dated once, but that really never went good for the both of us, figured we’d just be better off as friends.” I gaze into the distance and remember a funny conversation me and Bucky had when we were college students on spring break.

“We had this crazy pact when we were in college, that when we’re 28 and still unmarried, we’d just marry each other. It’s the craziest thing but we were young and stupid.” It was one of the things that you could forget but just couldn’t, it was tucked away in a happy little box of memories. George’s eyebrows perk up. I squint my eyes, what is he thinking?

“Aren’t you turning 28 in 3 weeks?” shoot, that’s true. I lift my eyebrows up to inquire where he’s getting at. “He’s in town, he’s got something important to tell you, he’s excited about it?” I wave him off, it’s probably something else, right? It’s gotta be, but I mentally kick myself for even considering the idea. It’s impossible.

“If you don’t want anything to do with him, there’s still someone who looks interested." George quickly perks his eyebrows up at me motioning to a direction where I looked to see the gorgeous blond onlooker from earlier walking to our table. I shrug back at him as he chuckles.

When I finally get back to my apartment, I pace back and forth not knowing if it was time to call Bucky back. Am I ready to call him? We’ve had conversations on the phone before, why am I feeling nervous? He’s even been here last month, so why even feel conscious about a phone call? He could be calling about a raise, or a trip… or an early birthday greeting? Fucking George, I hate him for putting the idea into my head. Why did I even let it slip out? I found myself dialing his number, biting my nail as I contemplate if I should hit call. Oh! fuck it, what do I have to lose? I’ve already lost him, I’m too old for this. He picks it up on the first ring, my heart stops, I’m smiling like an idiot.

“Hey, Y/N! I’ve missed you,” his voice made my knees buckle.

“I’m good, what about you? What’s the thing you want to tell me so badly?”

“That’s great!” I’m sitting on my bed, my heart is beating fast, what could it be? “I’ve met someone, Y/N. She’s great she’s amazing, I’m thinking of asking her to marry me, and I can’t do this without you.” I fall, a thud on the floor deafening, I almost throw my phone.

“You okay?” he asks. No, I’m not.

“Y-yeah!” I say as I get up, touching the back of my head that has hit the floor, luckily there was a pillow to catch my fall. “Bucky, don’t you think that’s way too fast? How do I not know about this? Why haven’t you told me anything about you meeting anybody?” I was being honest, there was no time to be pretending to be happy when I was clearly dumbfounded.

“I wanted to be sure before I told my best gal, I didn’t want her to be like the others,” like the others? What’s that supposed to mean? I was walking around my room hugging a throw pillow tight.

“W-when are y-you gonna propose?”

“Two weeks from now, I’ve gotta get this right, doll. I know you can help me.” There he goes calling me that, my heart is sinking, this is exactly like a chick flick.

“You’ve been with her for like what? A week?”

He laughs. “Two months, are you not even happy for me?” you bet I’m not, I’m not happy for myself either. Something resurfaces in my head, I lied, I clearly haven’t moved on yet.

“I am! I just, don’t you think it’s too soon? Two months Bucky? Gosh that’s a little fast” I laugh nervously.

“Hey,” he pauses, “I need you. You’re my best friend, why do I feel like you’re turning on me?” I sigh, I’m gonna have to act cool this hot minute.

“Bucky I’m happy for you, I was just surprised,” quickly changing the mood before it turned sour. “My best guy wants to get married, who wouldn’t be ecstatic about that?” I know I’m not. I put on my best cheery voice, maybe a little too much.

“Yes! I knew I can count on you!” joy clear in his voice, “I can’t wait for you to meet her, we’ve reserved a table at that Italian restaurant you love. I’ll see you at 7!” And the line goes static. His excitement won over my tenseness. I couldn’t believe what just happened. Is this a joke?

“This is insane George! Two months? How could anyone want to marry someone they’ve been with for that amount of time? Marriage is commitment George, that’s some serious stuff.”

“Bucky’s been at my tail for years! Years! And now this girl comes along and he suddenly wants to marry her?" It was true, even when we’ve decided to end things romantically between us, Bucky would still flirt and act like everything was normal, we slept on the same bed for Pete’s sake! I suddenly wished I didn’t get over my head and moved out, it could’ve been me he’s proposing to. My hair was all over the place, but I didn’t mind, I liked it naturally looking like I was straight out of bed, I put makeup on meticulously, not knowing who my opponent was. I was blabbering away, lighting a cigar as George continued driving. I was speaking way to fast, paranoia clear in my voice.

“I’m going to get him back, George, I’ve got to. I’ll do whatever it takes to get him back.” I say as I let a puff of smoke out my lips.

George laughs, he likes me when I panic, “Oh I bet you will.”

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hallsp · 6 years ago

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Dalkey and Environs

If you follow the swerve of shore south of Dublin city, you eventually wind up in Dalkey village, a small heritage town known largely for its three small castles and pretty main street, but also for its artisan shops, independent cafés, and popular pubs.

A sleepy suburb, the area is occasionally referred to as “the Beverley Hills of Dublin,” because of the number of celebrities living in the area — Bono! — Van Morrison! — or as “Ireland’s Bay of Naples,” because of the spectacular views, particularly from the top of nearby Killiney Hill. The village itself isn’t far from the border with Wicklow, a county known as “the Garden of Ireland.”

The town is heavily associated with writers. George Bernard Shaw was born in Torca Cottage; James Joyce taught in Clifton School, on Dalkey Avenue, and stayed in the nearby Martello Tower in Sandycove; Brendan Behan learned to mix explosives (chlorate of potash with paraffin wax and gelignite) in an IRA safe-house up the hill, now Fitzpatrick Castle. (In the 1950s, ownership of the Castle went to Seán Russell, then-IRA Chief-of-Staff. This is the same Seán Russell who died aboard a Nazi U-Boat in 1940.)

Hugh Leonard, known locally as Jack, was born in Dalkey; as was Maeve Binchy. The local pubs were once a playground for Samuel Beckett, and Flann O’Brien, who published The Dalkey Archive in 1964 — the story of a quirky scientist by the name of de Selby. Howard Marks, the famous drug-dealer (and author) hid out here in the 1970s, with crazy Jim McCann – another IRA connection. Salman Rushdie spent part of his decade in hiding, from the long reach of the Ayatollah Khomeini, living with Bono. Robert Fisk, the most eminent journalist of the Middle East, has had a home in the area for a number of years.

In fact, the history of writing in the village goes way back. In the late 18th century, a bunch of young wits and poets came together to take the absolute piss out of everything they could set their sights upon. They crowned a man named Stephen Armitage, who styled himself King of Dalkey, Emperor of the Muglins, Prince of the Holy Island of Magee, Baron of Bulloch, Seigneur of Sandycove, Defender of the Faith and Respector of All Others, Elector of Lambay and Ireland’s Eye, and Sovereign of the Most Illustrious Order of the Lobster and Periwinkle.

Thomas Moore, “the Bard of Ireland,” and author of the Minstrel Boy, among much else, was a willing subject of this petty kingdom. Moore’s friend, the poet Henrietta Battier, wrote a number of odes, including the line: “Hail, happy Dalkey! queen of isles, Where justice reigns in freedom’s smiles.” Then came the ’98 Rebellion. The Government moved to quell any expression of dissent. Thankfully, the tradition has been restored in our time: the sacristan of the local church, Fionn Gilmartin, currently occupies this exalted throne.

So august a reputation has Dalkey for all things literary, the inaugural Dalkey Book Festival was organised by the economist David McWilliams in 2010, and has since attracted hundreds of writers, including Seamus Heaney, John Banville, and Amos Oz. I saw Salman Rushdie speaking in St. Patrick’s Church in 2014.

The pubs and restaurants are also second-to-none. Finnegan’s is the best-known: great for a pint of Guinness. Try King’s Inn for the banter, the Magpie for craft beer, DeVille’s for steak, Queen’s for the beer garden, Benitos for the service, McDonagh’s for live music and pool, and the Vico for shots before hitting town against your better judgement. Further up the hill you have the aforementioned Fitzpatrick Castle Hotel, and the Druid’s Chair, a gem of a little spot.

Close to Dalkey, along the coast back towards Dublin, you’ll find Dun Laoghaire. It’s got three sailing clubs, two piers, and one impressive library. You can walk along the promenade, the piers, or go for a swim on Sandycove beach, or in the 40 Foot bathing-place. Make sure you get yourself a 99 from Teddy’s, the ice-cream is famous all over Ireland. There’s also one or two decent pubs, particularly the Whiskey Fair and Gilbert & Wright’s. Like it or loath it, Wetherspoons have taken over the 40 Foot pub, which means cheap booze.

The Martello Tower, now the James Joyce Museum, was once rented by the writer (and doctor) Oliver St. John Gogarty. Joyce, having stayed with his friend for six nights in 1904, eventually used the experience in the opening pages of his masterpiece, Ulysses.

Dun Laoghaire was once known as Kingstown, so-named in 1821 after the visit of boozy King George IV, the first reigning monarch to visit Ireland since the Battle of the Boyne in 1690. In Howth, just north of Dublin, the king disembarked from his yacht on his birthday, already “in high spirits,” meaning inebriated, and you can still see his tiny footprints, preserved for all eternity. He departed from Dun Laoghaire eighteen days later. In fact, a nearby memorial marks this auspicious stop-over. William Mackepeace Thackeray, the famous English novelist, described it as a “hideous obelisk, stuck upon four fat balls.” That’s a fairly good description.

The best way to get to Dalkey and Dun Laoghaire is to use the DART (Dublin Area Rapid Transit), though there’s nothing “rapid” about it. Actually, the train journey from Dublin to Dun Laoghaire is the oldest in Ireland, built in 1834. It was used by Thackeray in 1842, Carlysle in 1849, and Dickens in 1867. In 1882, having arrived by boat into Dun Laoghaire, Lord Cavendish, the newly-appointed Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, took this train into the city on his first day on the job, only to be murdered that evening in the Phoenix Park. The park is somewhat safer these days.

The train was slowly extended around the rest of the coast over the coming years. There are stunning views of the sea between Dalkey and Greystones, where the track tunnels through solid rock and clings to precarious sea cliffs. It was designed by famous engineer Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

#dalkey #ireland #rovingreporter #environs

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swedenandbeyond · 7 years ago

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June 1 We decided to visit the Royal Palace early in the morning and it was very interesting. One of the tour's was the Royal Apartment, but it was closed because it had an official engagement today. We did get to tour the opulent guest quarters and as you can imagine it's very ornate and with furnishings dating from the 17th century. We didn’t take that many pictures because it’s mostly like the other royal residences we have toured in Europe already. We look for unusual things now. We also got to see the Hall of antiquity which has some busts from Italy that the king had acquired, how we don't know. That took us to lunch which we had on the dock waiting to take the Royal Canal tour (we “snagged” sandwiches from the breakfast buffet, ham, cheese on brown roll). It's a very interesting tour of the small Harbor from Gamla Stan past the Diplomatic quarters, an elaborate amusement park, some dry docks and an old Naval Base. Unfortunately the cruise was shorter than normal because one of the canal sections on part of the tour was not deep enough for us to proceed. After lunch we went to the Royal Armory which has ironically the coaches that the Royals traveled in which included some early snowmobiles drawn by horses. There was also a great exhibit on the relationship between Marie Antoinette and one of the royal princes of Sweden. It turns out he was a very charismatic guy who spoke several languages and actually was the translator for George Washington and the French Commander during the Revolutionary War. He and Marie Antoinette could never have the love affair that they wanted to, but they developed their own code to communicate with each other via letters. Unfortunately she was executed in the late 1700s. He was a victim of a conspiracy 25 years later in which people thought he was disloyal to the crown and was beaten to death by angry mob while the Swedish Royal Guard stood by at the direction of the king. Later on he and his assistant were vindicated of the disloyalty, too late. Before returning to the hotel we went to the state-run liquor store for some libations. Nothing is cheap, but there is plenty of people there buying all kinds of booze from all over the world. We returned to the hotel for a rest after our coffee break. We updated the blog, before we got an email former Australian friends about where to meet for dinner. We met them at the Belgian Cafe about 20 minutes walk to the inner city for my hotel. We had a wonderful visit with them and got to know much more about them in the next 3 hours. Daylight last at least 14 to 15 hours and it's really only dark for about 5 hours. Our body hasn't really adjusted to the long days, but that's not a bad thing. We ended up eating drinking and talking till almost 10. We had a nice walk back to the hotel followed by very relaxing a nightcap and got some rest for the boat tours we are taking the next day. Pictures to follow. We're adopting a less frantic pace on this trip and concentrating on enjoying what we are able to do and absorbing it all.

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fatrat66 · 4 years ago

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To Yukon and Back - Day 1

Drive: Fernie – McBride (745km)

So day 1 of my road trip to the Yukon. I got up at about 6am this morning, filled the car up and headed out of Fernie with the road to myself. I drove for about 2 hours and stopped for breakfast at Timmy’s at Invermere, before continuing for 6 more hours all the way to Jasper, which is where I filled up again.

Shortly after Jasper, heading north west towards Prince George I passed by a layby which Britt and me had stopped at 2 winters ago on our trip to Jasper. So everything from this point on is new territory for me. I haven’t been this far north in BC before. I’ve made it all the way to a little town called McBride, and I’m currently sitting on some grass in the town square next to an old bar hotel, a train station which is now the visitor centre, and a kids playground. All the way around us in the distance are foothills and mountains, some holding onto their little snowcaps. A freight train is currently rumbling past, which is a familiar sound to anyone who lives in the Rocky Mountains.

I stopped at Mt Robson visitor centre to ask about potential campsites for me to stay at. While I was in the queue, I remembered that it’s a long weekend, and every family for about two hundred miles seemed to be visiting this particular region. So the chances of me finding a place to stay were very remote. I explained my folly to the helpful park ranger working the desk, who turned out to be the slowest customer service man I have ever met. He was friendly and jolly in that way that old men sometimes can be when they have had the same job for many, many years and really like it. He had taken nearly 15 minutes to give the man in front of me his receipt. He suggested a few places to check out between there and Prince George, where I was hoping to get to today but haven’t quite made it. Following his advice, I stopped at a small ranch which advertised RV camp sites, but after a quick stroll around, I saw no sign of life anywhere, and when I tried to call the help number posted on the window, I realised my phone had zero signal. So I guess I was successful in getting away from it all, at least. This made me smile.

Fortunately, the next place on Mr Slow-but-Helpful’s recommendations was open and had vacancy. A bored young girl on the front desk of the NV campsite sold me a cheap spot and I setup my tent amid a small cloud of mosquitos. I decided this wasn’t a good place to relax, so I went for a short drive to explore the area and that’s how I found myself here on McBride’s grassy common.

I’ve been reading my book in the sun for about half an hour, and intend to read some more in my tent later. I’m on book 1 of The Witcher series, if you’re interested. It’s great.

#roadtrip #british columbia #canada #travel

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andrewlloydwebber · 7 years ago

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Yeah, it’s nice that they honored Maria in this way. However, wouldn’t it have been better to actually base the chandelier they used on her actual design? You know, the design based on the actual Palais Garnier chandelier, that actually crashes? Unlike you know, this 80s Vegas hotel lobby monstrosity, which didn’t even crash but just shot sparks? It also doesn’t help that they replaced her beautiful sets with cheap looking projections, and introduced a lot of costumes that were very poorly executed or she simply didn’t design.

Again, I will say that the 25th Anniversary DVD was a better representation than the movie. However, so many things were done wrong, like for example, excluding Hal Prince and instead having a horrible director, Laurence Connor, direct, casting people who had no history with the show, pushing the Love Never Dies angle (aggressive Raoul, casting leads from the London run of LND, focusing only on the West End alumni at the expense of the many international casts (where was George Lee Andrews? Marilyn Caskey? Colby Thomas?Osamu Takai?) Why was Her Majesty’s closed on the anniversary date? It makes no sense.

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nytcap · 6 years ago

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Press preview for Play It Loud: Instruments of Rock & Roll by j- No Via Flickr: The Metropolitan Museum of Art April 1, 2019

A groundbreaking exhibition presenting a spectacular array of iconic instruments of rock and roll - "one of the most influential artistic movements of the 20th century and the objects that made the music possible" - go on view at The Met on April 8, through September.

“Rarely Seen Guitars, Bass, Drum Kits, Keys, and Horns from More than 80 Renowned Musicians Celebrate the Unique Role of Instruments in Rock.” Christie's and Sotheby's must be kicking themselves for missing out on what surely would have netted them millions in auctioneer's commissions, if placed on the market instead of donated to a museum.

On April 1, the press was treated to a preview of the show, teased with what many of us thought to be an April Fool joke: appearances by musicians Jimmy Page, Steve Miller, Tina Weymouth, and others. Nope, it wasn't a joke. Towering over the packed hall were Greco-Roman statues of (appropriately) shamelessly full-frontal nude men and ladies, lit by sunlight streaming through the skylight and floor-to ceiling window.

Typically, for rock & roll, the start was delayed, but eventually out strode those very rock stars. Remarks about the year-long labor of putting together such a monumental exhibition were made by museum staff and a rep from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, who sponsored the exhibit. Following brief, anecdotal remarks from the Led Zep guitar god, the original Space Cowboy, Steve Miller, gave a long walk-through about putting the show together, as well as much technical tidbits that no doubt flew way over the heads of all who are not guitarists themselves. He also promised that he would be working with the Met to improve their music-hostile acoustics. Talking Head and Tom-Tom Clubber Tina Weymouth read from a very long essay by a Catholic priest about, basically, the importance of finding your own rhythm. The audience perked up from nodding off completely, when she worked in a quote of the title of TTC's "Happiness Can't Buy Money", which, given the head-nodding, hardly anyone present was familiar with, despite it being one of her biggest hits.

After the formalities, there was a completely unexpected solo performance by Don Felder on his truly iconic (sorry for the overuse of this adjective, but it's true) double 12- and 6-string white guitar used on just about every performance of "Hotel California" the Eagles ever gave. video links: https://flic.kr/p/2fpobAn https://flic.kr/p/2eiqZpW

Room after room featured worshipful displays of performance setups, surrounded by walls completely covered - like my teenage bedroom - with concert posters from back in the day when those were actually serious works of art (not to mention when rock stars were accomplished serious musicians and composers, unlike the majority of today’s autotuned stars who can’t play anything, drone over lifeless iMac-generated beats, and require an entire village to compose and score their songs).

As a strictly Ibanez person myself, I was disappointed to see the only representative of my (let's face it, budget-minded) brand, was one donated by Joni Mitchell. I can only hope that it was used on the two or three songs of her's that I like.

The exhibition begins with Chuck Berry's ES-350T (1957) electric guitar, which was used to record "Johnny B. Goode"; followed by Lady Gaga's custom-designed piano; Stevie Ray Vaughan's "Texas Flood" composite Stratocaster "Number One"; the guitar that Keith Richards is known to have used when the Rolling Stones appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1966; Flea's "punk" bass used throughout RHCP's career, and Jimmy Page's dragon-embroidered costume, which he wore during Led Zeppelin's live performances from 1975 to 1977.

In addition to Prince's iconic gold 'love symbol' guitar, included in the exhibit is the Purple One's 1980s "cherub" suit, and the famous "disappearing" Tele-style H.S. Anderson Mad Cat guitar he played on his 2004 show-stopping, jaw-dropping solo during the all-star tribute performance of “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” for the induction of George Harrison into Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. A performance which provides a perfect bookend to Hendrix's "flaming" finale, opening for The Who. OK, blue-eyed soulsters, lemme see ya top this! Boom. https://youtu.be/6SFNW5F8K9Y

The remains of Kurt Cobain's Fender used on Nirvana's In Utero tour are on display, which he destroyed upon spotting Eddie Van Halen (another renowned guitar killer) in the audience.

Wall cards accompanying many of the instruments testify to the comradery among musicians in that so many classic instruments were passed from one to another out of respect for their craft and contributions, as well as collaborations that led to technological advances, e.g. Keith Emerson and Robert Moog, Les Paul with Gibson guitars, and Todd Rundgren's restorations for Eric Clapton and others.

*view many more photos at https://flic.kr/s/aHskTsXCvJ

And no history of electric guitars would be complete without the reverse-strung Stratocaster that Jimi Hendrix performed "The Star-Spangled Banner" on at Woodstock, as well as at the Monterey Pops festival, AND the shard that is left of the Strat that he incinerated at Monterey Pops.

A bit of trivia that was new to me was that the reason so many early guitars had hideous pale yellow finishes was because it looked better on television in the days of black & white. Many musicians had theirs repainted after color tv came in in the mid-to-late 1960s.

Axes from other rock stars of note include The White Stripes' Jack White, Gerry Garcia's singular "Wolf" Irwin, Bo Diddley's candy apple red hambonin' "Twang Machine" self-modified box Gretch, Cheap Trickster Rick Nielsen's insane 4-bodied Hamer, many from Eric "God" Clapton, Ravi Shankar's sitar, Muddy Waters' "The Hoss" blood red Telecaster, the original and hugely influential erotic gospel axe-shredder Sister Rosetta "rock me" Tharpe (whose modified light Les Paul Gibson was later copied for Jimi Hendrix, The Who, AC/DC, and the Allman Brothers), and of course, the Beatles.

All together now: in one photo, appearing for the first time, the signature guitar used by Elvis Presley, flanked by those of George Harrison, and 50s rockabilly queen Wanda Jackson.

Drums and bass take a back seat (beat?) in the show, as do keyboards and brass, but still, respect is given with displays from notable kits from Keith Moon, Patti Smith's clarinet, the Mellontron used by the Stones on "2000 Light Years from Home" (which, for you youngsters, was an analog keyboard-operated instrument that played acetate taped notes recorded from any source, including human voices, used heavily by late psychedelic bands like Tangerine Dream and Genesis, and even a band that I was in [dating myself]), Louis Jordan's alto sax, Ray Manzarek's organ used on the Door's ""Light My Fire", Keith Emerson's knife-embedded "raped" Hammond organ and massive Moog synth, B-52 Kate Pierson's Farfisa organ (I stupidly sold mine for a mere $50, to buy drugs, of course) and a gold Steck grand piano used by pioneering rock pals Jerry Lee Lewis and Little Richard.

The exhibit's promo postcard features Joan Jett's guitar "Melody Maker" girl power guitar, which remains an important part of her onstage (& offstage LGBT) identity.

Creators and innovators of amps, pedals, and effects like feedback, distortions, fuzz, wah-wah and sequencing, were almost totally absent, despite their overwhelming influence on the development of rock. No Ike Turner, Link Wray, Dick Dale, or any surf guitar innovators whatsoever. No Frippertronics or Enosification. Then again, the absence of any mention of sex and drugs in a show about rock stars is pretty glaring, also.

Contemporary rock is mostly absent, as is most post-80s, save Cobain and White and an obviously egregious curatorial plug for St. Vincent, who seems to be way out of her league surrounded by Clapton, Townsend, Beck, Hendirx, and Page. And aside from Joe Strummer's Telecaster, with it's duct-taped strap and Jett’s Melody Maker, punk is not represented here at all, either because it was not deemed part of rock and roll (Johnny Rotten famously declared that punk was meant to be the death of rock and roll, but admitted that it failed by actually reviving it) or deemed unworthy. Or maybe they simply could’t afford to give up their instruments. But being enshrined in the Metropolitan Museum, though, would not be very punk, now would it?

#MetRockandRoll #guitar #rock #rockandroll #musician #musicalinstruments

#Flickr #guitar #rock and roll #metropolitain museum of art

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janicecpitts · 6 years ago

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anestiefel · 5 years ago

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Heidelberg, Germany: Simple ways to save on your trip

With a hilltop castle, charming old town and historic university — complete with a “prison” for misbehaving students, in use until 1914 — Heidelberg, Germany is truly the storybook European town of every tourist’s dreams.

Unfortunately, the adorable town is also the most expensive tourist destination in Germany, even beating out the notoriously pricey Munich. To make sure this lovely city doesn’t take you from prince to pauper, we’ve gathered a few of our best tips for saving on your visit.

Simple Budget Travel Tips for Heidelberg, Germany

Getting around town

By foot

Obviously walking is always the cheapest option. Since Heidelberg, Germany is a small city, it also easily walkable. So slip on a pair of comfortable shoes and stretch your legs while you take in the “real” Disneyland flair of the place.

Take cheap rides around town on the VRN nextbike. Photo: pilot_michael

By bike

Like many cities in Europe, Heidelberg, Germany is a very bike-friendly town, and cycling around is a great way to get to know the city while also squeezing in a healthy bit of exercise. VRNnextbike, a bicycle rental tied to the public transportation system, offers day rentals for €9 once you register (free of charge) on their site. Shorter rides are available, too, from the cheapo rate of €1 per 30 minutes.

There are also several bike rental shops throughout the city, with prices ranging between €12 to €15 for a day rental of a city bike with a cute little basket.

By car

If you’ve come by car, whatever you do, don’t expect to drive your way around the old town. Parking is both hard to find and extremely expensive. A better choice, budget-wise, is to drop your things off at the hotel and then park outside the city center, taking the bus or train back into town.

The HeidebergCARD covers public transit. Photo: byte

Save with the HeidelbergCARD

If you’re not in the mood for any extra sportiness or plan to venture outside the city, you should definitely consider picking up HeidelbergCARD. The card can be purchased as a 1- to 4-day pass (from €17 to €21) and covers your rides on all buses, trams and certain trains within the greater Heidelberg area. It is also available as a family pass (€40 for 2 adults and 3 children up to 16).

Aside from transit, the card also grants you special discounts on many guided tours, museum entrance fees, selected restaurants, as well as other perks.

Deep thoughts and postcard views along the Philosophenweg. Photo: Ashley Van Haeften

Free thinking along the Philosophenweg

Luckily, one of the most spectacular things to do in Heidelberg, Germany is also absolutely free of charge. The Philosophenweg (Philosopher’s Walk) is a path through the vineyards once cherished by Romantic German poets, artists and philosophers for its beauty and solitude.

You can still follow the path where these learned souls once tread — now complete with gardens and informational plaques. Along the way, you’ll be rewarded for your efforts with gorgeous views over the Neckar river, Old Town and Heidelberg castle.

If you’re in the mood for a longer trek, you can venture further up Heiligenberg (the mountain) and check out the ruins there, including an 11th-century monastery and the remnants of a 4th-century Celtic hill fort.

Budget places to stay in Heidelberg, Germany

With so many tourists heading to Heidelberg, Germany, hotel rooms don’t usually come at bargain rates. However, there are a handful of budget-friendly places to stay, although many of them are outside the city center. Here are a few favorites:

The Zum Ritter St. Georg is located smack in the city center.

Near the city center

LOTTE A comfortable hostel near most of Heidelberg’s main sites. Dorms, double and family rooms range in price from €26 to €70 a night.

Steffi’s Hostel Heidelberg Hostel close to the main train stations. Prices range from €18 per person (10-bed dorm) to €45 (double room for one person). Family rooms available.

Hotel Zum Ritter St. Georg

Located in the Altstadt along the famous pedestrian shopping strip, the St. Georg is a four-star hotel in a historic building, offering 37 very comfortable rooms that sometimes come down into surprisingly cheapo-friendly territory. Our searches brought up rooms during the summer for €110.

Search all hotels in Heidelberg, Germany.

The darling little Hotel Scheid.

Outside the city center

Hotel ISG Located in the suburb Boxberg, Hotel ISG is a friendly budget hotel that features some trendy Bauhaus design touches. Prices for a double room range between €96 – €160, depending on the room and season.

Hotel Restaurant Schied A nice, quiet hotel located on a hillside in the suburb of Schriesheim. (Note that the hotel is a 30-minute walk up from the tram stop Schriesheim Bahnhof, so the place might not ideal if you plan on hitting the pubs until the wee hours of the morning!) Prices range between €67 for a single room to €112 for a four-bed room.

Ja, bitte. Eggs, bratkartoffeln and Käsespätzle at Brauhaus Vetter. Photo: pie4dan

Shopping, eating and drinking tips

Avoid tourist traps

If you’re hankering for a dirndl or black forest cuckoo clock to bring to the folks back home, whatever you do, don’t buy them on Hauptstraße in the Old Town — everything there is overpriced and sure to be stamped somewhere with “Made in China.” You’ll have better luck finding that unforgettable souvenir if you venture off the beaten path to one the little side streets to the right and left of the main strip.

Do-it-yourself BBQ

In the summer, you should definitely consider having a little impromptu BBQ along the banks of the Neckar river. You can buy a cheap disposable grill at the hardware store Bauhaus, located at Kurfürsten-Anlage 11, just south of Bismarckplatz. From there, it’s an easy walk to Neckarwiese (Neckar meadow) on the northern bank of the river where you can set up the grill. Grill up those sausages and pop open a brewski while mingling with locals.

Everybody’s welcome at the student canteen

Another great tip is the Mensa in Marstallhof (Marstallhof 3), the most beautiful university canteen in Germany, replete with a beer garden! The Mensa is open to the public until 11 p.m., and the bar, which boasts the cheapest beer prices in the city, is open until midnight.

And if you’d like to see where the local students get their groove on, check out Untere Strasse, a street that runs parallel to Hauptstrasse and the river. The street is pack with bars and pubs frequented by the university crowd, including Destille, a funky, authentic pub complete with a fake tree in the middle of the bar.

Share your tips for saving in Heidelberg, Germany

Have more tips about ways to save when visiting Heidelberg, Germany? Please leave a comment below! And if you’re looking for cheapo tips, here are 50 budget travel tips for Germany.

The post Heidelberg, Germany: Simple ways to save on your trip appeared first on EuroCheapo's Budget Travel Blog.

from EuroCheapo’s Budget Travel Blog https://www.eurocheapo.com/blog/heidelberg-germany-simple-ways-save-trip.html Publish Firt on

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tamboradventure · 5 years ago

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Announcing TravelCon 2020: Keynotes, Speakers, & More!

Posted: 9/23/2019 | September 23rd, 2019

At the end of June, we announced our next TravelCon and, today I’d like to share some more details about our next big event.

First, it will be May 8-10, 2020, in New Orleans so mark your calendars!

We have a lot of big changes and improvements coming this year. The four big ones I want to announce right now are:

1. We have a destination partner! New Orleans & Company, the city’s official tourism board, is our official destination partner, and we’ll be working hard with them to organize a lot of activities throughout TravelCon that will get you out of the hotel and around the city.

In a first, this year we’ll be doing FAM trips and tours of the city before and after the conference. We’ll also be conducting a scavenger hunt around New Orleans (we’re super stoked about that!).

We’ll have specifics on both in the new year. We know this was something you all really wanted and we’re excited to finally be able to offer them!

Check out our TravelCon page on New Orlean’s website for exciting information on the city!

2. We’ll be ditching our second-night party so as to have longer niche meet-ups. Everyone loves our niche meet-ups! They are one of the highlights of TravelCon, so rather than make them rushed, we’re not going to have anything that gets in their way so people can spend more time hanging out with their new friends.

3. We’re adding back a second included lunch. Everyone wanted more organized lunches, so we’ll be doing two this year.

4. Finally (and this is a big, big change), we’re moving workshops from the main schedule and making them add-ons before the conference. We’ve found that managing the workshops has proven harder than we thought. People sign up for multiple workshops, don’t show up, want to transfer to different workshops, or. miss the sign-up time. This leads to a lot of people not getting into the classes they want when, in the end, there is space. It takes up a lot of admin time and is confusing for attendees.

Plus, the teachers feel that they have to compress information into a really short period of time and they don’t like it.

So, to solve those problems (and free up room for more talks), we’re moving the workshops to the day before the conference (May 7th) and making each four hours long. Each workshop will cost $99 and come with a 30-day refund policy. Sign up for as many as you want. They are all first-come, first-serve.

We know this a big change and many of you won’t like having to pay for the workshops, but this will allow us to better handle the sign-ups so everyone gets the workshop they want, pay the workshop leaders more, and create more room in our schedule for other talks during the conference.

Those sign-ups will be available in January too.

Over the course of the next few months, we’ll be announcing more of our plans for the upcoming event, but for now, those are the big schedule changes you need to know about!

This Year’s Speakers

Over the next few months, we’ll be announcing our speakers, but here’s our first round of speakers and workshop leaders:

Keynotes

Pico Iyer

Author

Pauline Frommer

Frommers

Jeff Goins

Author, Real Artists Don’t Starve

Nicole Walters

Business Coach

Breakout Speakers

Faith Adiele

Author, Meeting Faith

Lola Akinmade Åkerström

Writer + Photographer

Leyla Giray Alyanak

Women on the Road

Alexandra Baackes

Alex in Wanderland

Dev Basu

Marc and Julie Bennett

RV Love

Julia Cosgrove

AFAR

Don George

Author, The Way of Wanderlust

Brice Gump

Major Impact Media

Monet Hambrick

The Traveling Child

Alexandra Jimenez

Travel Fashion Girl

Ciara Johnson

Hey Ciara

Richard Kerr

The Points Guy

Seth Kugel

Author, Rediscovering Travel

Mickela Mallozzi

Bare Feet with Mickela Mallozzi

Chris Mercer

MeasurementMarketing.io

Laurence Norah

Finding the Universe

Erick Prince-Heaggans

Minority Nomad

Kristen Sarah

Hopscotch the Globe

Nadine Sykora

Hey Nadine

Mary Ann Thomas

Postcards From Mat

Amanda Williams

A Dangerous Business

One thing we will be doing with the talks this year is reducing the number of panels, so we can have more actionable workshops rather than discussions. We’ve heard you about not wanting lots of panels and so we will minimize them as much as possible.

We’re going to have sessions this year on Google Analytics, taxes, IP and legal issues, customer service, networking, hosting video, writing, advanced SEO, and hiring employees. Moreover, we’re going to be expanding the number of talks on LGBTQ travel, Instagram, affiliate marketing, and creating products.

Here’s our tentative schedule, which will show you how each day will flow:

(You can see a bigger version on the TravelCon website.)

***

Tickets to this year’s TravelCon are $349 until 12/31, when prices will go up to $399.

We’re capping our ticket sales at 800 again this year. We’ve currently sold 258 tickets to next year’s event and expect to sell out again!

So sign up today before tickets are gone.

And, remember, you can refund your ticket 90 days before the event and transfer them 30 days before the event. We know how travel plans can change and want you to know that if something comes up, you can get your money back.

See you in New Orleans!

—Matt

Book Your Trip to New Orleans: Logistical Tips and Tricks

Book Your Flight Find a cheap flight by using Skyscanner or Momondo. They are my two favorite search engines because they search websites and airlines around the globe so you always know no stone is left unturned.

Book Your Accommodation You can book your hostel with Hostelworld. If you want to stay somewhere other than a hostel, use Booking.com as they consistently return the cheapest rates for guesthouses and cheap hotels. I use them all the time.

Don’t Forget Travel Insurance Travel insurance will protect you against illness, injury, theft, and cancellations. It’s comprehensive protection in case anything goes wrong. I never go on a trip without it as I’ve had to use it many times in the past. I’ve been using World Nomads for ten years. My favorite companies that offer the best service and value are:

World Nomads (for everyone below 70)

Insure My Trip (for those over 70)

Looking for the best companies to save money with? Check out my resource page for the best companies to use when you travel! I list all the ones I use to save money when I travel – and I think will help you too!

Want More Information on the United States? Be sure to visit our robust destination guide on the United States for even more planning tips!

The post Announcing TravelCon 2020: Keynotes, Speakers, & More! appeared first on Nomadic Matt's Travel Site.

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mrmichaelchadler · 6 years ago

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TIFF 2018: Outlaw King, Transit

With its sweeping drone coverage of the Scottish country and the capital-W Wide shots of warriors on the battlefield (which will definitely play well when watched on a laptop this November, courtesy of Netflix), David Mackenzie’s “Outlaw King” formally aspires to be a historical epic. It features the requisite period costumes and sets, clearly well-researched by the film’s design team, as well as plenty of grisly battle sequences befitting 14th century combat. Its underdog narrative hits all the appropriate beats, first immersing the audience in ruin before lifting them up to victory. It just does so without any feeling. It’s a forgettable, middling exercise in violent dress-up.

Thankfully, “Outlaw King’s” five (!) credited writers narrowed the film’s scope to a few crucial years during the early reign of Robert the Bruce (Chris Pine, emoting adequately), at least sparing us from a by-the-numbers, birth-to-death biography. Mackenzie’s tenth feature essentially covers Robert’s dark period, from when he submitted to Edward I’s rule under duress to when he rose up an army against him and, after many devastating losses, eventually gained the upper hand over the English. Amidst the strife, Robert also marries his second wife Elizabeth de Burgh (Florence Pugh, in a predictably thankless role), a headstrong young woman who exhibits bravery in the circumscribed way that she can. Though the young couple grows closer through their separation, “Outlaw King” has its sights firmly set upon Robert’s valiance, as well as the loyalty of his closest soldiers, which include James Douglas (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) and Angus Macdonald (Tony Curran).

Besides one well-staged scene in which the English attack Robert and his clan at night with flaming arrows, Mackenzie doesn’t have a visual feel for this type of warfare. He employs handheld camera work and liberal use of squibs to amp up the intensity, but it all runs together so much that little of it stands out. It doesn’t help that he’s at the mercy of a script that plods from one scene to the next, breaking up the monotony with bland battle scenes or cheap attempts at characterization, i.e. differentiating between one Scot from the next. On top of that, the performances are all over the place, some leaning into camp while others play for respectability. Billy Howle’s performance as the cartoonishly villainous Prince Edward is easily the film’s best, but it says something that he also grates continuously from the moment he steps into the frame until the moment he leaves for the final time.

There’s some notable weirdness in the margins of “Outlaw King”—odd line readings from Aaron Taylor-Johnson, anachronistic stabs at hollow wokeness in the early scenes between Robert and Elizabeth, notably bad CGI juxtaposed against the film’s otherwise high production values, a really weird sex scene that my friend and colleague Charles Bramesco rightly compares to the one in “The Room”—and while it’s somewhat appreciated that there are moments of outright comedy to balance the film’s dire tone, none of it can save a film that almost strives to be ignored. The story of Robert the Bruce, and by extension the history of Scottish independence, is certainly an interesting one, but until someone can figure out how to convey it without relying upon trite historical shorthand, it will remain flat on the screen, no matter the size.

Christian Petzold takes an interesting approach to historicity with “Transit,” his follow-up to the widely acclaimed WWII drama “Phoenix.” The film follows Georg (Franz Rogowski), a European refugee fleeing German authorities that are occupying various parts of France, but while “Transit” invokes Nazi occupation, it isn’t set in the ‘40s. In fact, Petzold doesn’t adorn “Transit” with any period signifiers (there are modern cars and architecture, as well as cheeky reference to “Dawn of the Dead”) because the film is stuck out of time. “Transit” exists in a liminal temporal space designed to bridge the past and present, but Petzold rarely calls attention to it. He simply commits to the reality of the moment, trusting his audience to make the necessary connection and to overcome or wade through periods of crafted cognitive dissonance.

The temporal unmooring fits the film’s emotional character, one that relies on doubling and mistaken identity similar to “Phoenix.” Before getting a ride out of soon-to-be-occupied Paris, Georg retrieves a manuscript from a famous writer’s hotel room. After discovering the writer has committed suicide and his transport has been compromised, he secretly boards a train to the port city of Marseille. When he arrives, he heads to the Mexican consulate to try to get a visa out of France, but the head of the consulate believes Georg is the famous writer in question. Georg assumes the writer’s identity, taking the certified papers and the boat ticket assigned to the dead man. But everything goes existentially pear-shaped when he meets and falls in love with Marie (Paula Beer), the writer’s husband who keeps searching for her man.

Petzold commits to the premise’s melodrama without relying upon high-key emotion. He keeps the action restrained, but it rarely if ever feels like a pose. His characters fall in love with reckless abandon, but they’re always readily aware of the consequences of their actions and the inherent tragedy of their situation. Georg lives a lie, but it’s one of many of the unspoken lies that permeate his situation. Georg and Marie’s relationship has dishonest foundations, but their passion is anything but. Love, sacrifice, and compassion are hoary concepts when used as pawns in a rigged game, but with Petzold, they’re just the unsexy facts of being a person on the run who lives and breathes human air.

If there’s any flaw in “Transit,” it’s the film’s voiceover, initially dispassionate before Petzold reveals its true origins, that scans as needless at best and distracting at worst. But even that element begins to make poetic sense when the film heads into the homestretch and Georg’s behavior adopts a literary heft. As someone who really liked “Phoenix” but felt that it was partially too removed for my tastes, “Transit” snuck up on me, hitting me in the solar plexus at just the right moment. It’s a stunning work whose surprises last right to the closing credits song, which deserves to go unspoiled but put a big smile on my face.

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nishantwap · 7 years ago

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Egypt’s Sisi Clamped Down on Political Opposition—Next Up Is the Economy

New Post has been published on https://www.hsnews.us/egypts-sisi-clamped-down-on-political-opposition-next-up-is-the-economy/

Egypt’s Sisi Clamped Down on Political Opposition—Next Up Is the Economy

Egypt’s Sisi Clamped Down on Political Opposition—Next Up Is the Economy – WSJ

Egyptian President Abdel Fattah Al Sisi speaks during the inauguration of an agricultural project at a military base. Agence France-Presse/Getty Images

The military has amassed a growing business empire under the former general-turned-president, leading to renewed popular resentment

Egyptian President Abdel Fattah Al Sisi speaks during the inauguration of an agricultural project at a military base. Agence France-Presse/Getty Images

May 21, 2018 11:10 a.m. ET

CAIRO��Three years ago, President

Abdel Fattah Al Sisi’s

government announced that a gleaming new capital city would rise in Egypt’s eastern desert by 2022, featuring tree-lined boulevards, new homes for five million people and the tallest building in Africa.

The project is now well behind schedule, according to its military-controlled developer. The only finished structure is a military-owned hotel in a cream-colored compound. Project spokesman Khaled El Husseiny said just one of three phases is under construction. “We did not plan for anything other than the first phase, I have to be honest,” he said.

President Sisi won re-election in March with 97% of the vote, facing only a token challenger after every credible opposition candidate was jailed or removed from the race. Within the Arab world, Mr. Sisi’s continued rule is an example of the resurgent regimes that increasingly claim victory over the forces unleashed by the 2011 Arab Spring.

Egypt is also an example of how those same forces are bubbling just under the surface. In many ways, Mr. Sisi’s strategy mirrors that of former President Hosni Mubarak, whose nearly three-decade rule here was ended by popular uprising. Like Mr. Mubarak, Mr. Sisi has relied on a vast security state and an economic approach that privileges the military. Many in the business sector complain that Mr. Sisi has gone even farther in sidelining private enterprise, to the detriment of the economy.

“They trust the military first. And the private sector, they accept them,” said

Naguib Sawiris,

a billionaire who says some of his own Egyptian business plans have been thwarted by state intervention. “The security can block any project. They have their own companies now. It’s not a good situation.”

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Egypt’s economy is growing at a modest clip of about 5.4%, according to the central bank. But for the vast majority of Egyptians, living standards have been slipping amid high youth unemployment and rising food prices, fueling some of the same grievances that preceded the revolution—and raising the prospect of a repeat.

Inflation and economic malaise have triggered demonstrations across the wider Middle East in recent months. In Iran in December and January, economic frustration sparked more than a week of protests that left at least 20 people dead. In Tunisia, budget cuts triggered raucous demonstrations and clashes with security forces in 10 cities and towns coinciding with the anniversary of the ouster of long time strongman Zine Al Abedine Ben Ali. In Jordan, sit-ins and other protests took place in January in reaction to the rising price of bread. Spontaneous protests erupted in Egypt earlier this month after the government announced a surprise increase in the price of subway tickets.

In the Gulf, wealthy monarchies count Egypt’s government as a firewall against a repeat of the popular upheaval.

“I prayed to God that Egypt would not collapse,” said Saudi Arabia’s Crown Prince

Mohammed bin Salman

during a visit to Cairo in March.

A former commander of the armed forces, Mr. Sisi surged to power after he led the overthrow in 2013 of the elected Islamist President

Mohammed Morsi.

Following the coup, security forces cracked down on Mr. Morsi’s supporters and other political opponents, killing at least a thousand people and jailing tens of thousands of others, according to rights groups.

Mr. Sisi promised Egyptians stability and prosperity, claiming credit for steering Egypt away from the turmoil and war that engulfed other Arab countries such as Syria, Libya, and Yemen.

For a time, Mr Sisi enjoyed cult status. His inspired supporters stamped his likeness on everything from chocolates to women’s underwear.

But the sheen has worn off his presidency. Stability has proved elusive as the government struggles to halt attacks by militant groups, including the Islamic State which has killed hundreds of soldiers and civilians in recent years.

Discontent has even surfaced within the same military establishment that brought Mr. Sisi to power. Since December, the government has detained and sidelined a series of opponents who stepped forward to challenge the president in the election, including three current and former military officers.

Although Mr. Sisi has helped expand the military’s economic profile, would-be opposition candidates from military backgrounds assailed the president’s record on security, the economy, and a lack of political freedoms.

Mr. Sisi’s office didn’t respond to a request for comment. Egypt’s armed forces spokesman declined to comment.

Analysts say Mr. Sisi sees himself as a part of a world-wide cohort of strongman rulers. Prior to Egypt’s vote, he made a point of congratulating Russia’s President

Vladimir Putin

on his victory in a scripted election. He also lauded China’s President

Xi Jinping,

who just became China’s de facto leader for life.

Egypt’s military has played a major role in the economy for decades. Business ventures helped the armed forces offset budget cuts imposed by Mr. Mubarak in the years following the 1978 peace treaty with Israel. By the end of Mr. Mubarak’s 30 years in power, the military owned supermarkets and hotels and also made pasta as well as weapons, taking advantage of its tax-exempt status and access to cheap labor in the form of conscripted soldiers.

But under Mr. Sisi, the military has achieved new heights of economic power. The exact percentage of the economy controlled by the armed forces is impossible to calculate, as military-linked enterprises don’t disclose their profits and the details of the military’s budget aren’t made public. Any accounting by government watchdogs is now even harder, since Egypt’s former chief corruption auditor is on military trial after he joined an opposition presidential campaign and threatened to release incriminating evidence about the military leadership.

In an interview with state TV in March, Mr. Sisi said the military makes up only 2% to 3% of the economy. “If it was 50% I would have been proud,” he said. “The armed forces are part of the government.”

Experts believe the true size of the military’s economic role is much higher than the official figure, based on observations of army-led enterprises.

“He doesn’t trust the private sector. He doesn’t trust businessmen,” said

Andrew Miller,

a former official responsible for Egypt at the U.S. National Security Council.

When Mr. Sisi came to power, he turned to the military to help fix the stumbling economy. He assigned the Armed Forces Engineering Authority to organize an expansion of the Suez Canal, one of his signature megaprojects.

With Mr. Sisi’s blessing, the military soon encroached on civilian enterprises too. The government discarded a civilian-authored plan to parcel out land along the canal to build an industrial zone and port area. He instead awarded a pair of contracts, including one to a partnership between the military and a private developer, according to Ahmed Darwish, the former chairman of the Suez Canal Economic Zone. To date, the planned zone hasn’t materialized, although the government says it is pressing ahead with the project.

Mr. Darwish was later replaced at his post by Admiral Mohab Mamish, a military leader who also heads the Suez Canal Authority. Several other business-oriented civilian officials have departed Mr. Sisi’s government over the years, including two economists who served in previous cabinets, leaving the military even more dominant.

The military also exerts influence through a diffuse network of current and former officers who sit on corporate boards and own stakes in private businesses. Those holdings help the military class gain control and profit even from enterprises it doesn’t directly own.

“They just have a finger in every pie,” said Shana Marshall, an expert on Egyptian political economy at George Washington University.

Military and security officials have orchestrated a takeover of at least three major privately owned television channels in the past two years. A former military spokesman took charge of the satellite channel Al Asema in January 2017. A security company headed by a former military intelligence official took over Al Hayat TV in mid-2017.

The takeover rolled back the influence of some of Egypt’s most powerful civilian businessmen. Mr. Sawiris, the former owner of popular network OnTV, said the government asked him to fire at least three news anchors. When he refused, the network OnTV was taken over by a pro-government steel magnate, before his shares were sold to a company owned by Egypt’s intelligence service in 2017.

Mr. Sawiris said the security forces also have thwarted private-sector business plans. He said his attempt to acquire the investment firm CI Capital was blocked by the security services in 2016. CI Capital didn’t respond to a request for comment.

Objections by Egyptian security services scuttled an attempt last year by

Archer Daniels Midland Co.

to acquire Egypt’s National Company for Maize Products, according to Mr. Sawaris. A person familiar with the matter confirmed that Egyptian regulators blocked the planned acquisition.

The maize company, which couldn’t be reached for comment, later merged with another Egyptian company instead.

During Mr. Sisi’s years in power, the government has ushered in regulatory changes that make it easier for the armed forces to do business. His government expanded their ability to strike real estate deals and authorized the military to form a pharmaceutical company.

When a currency crisis resulted in shortages of staples like sugar in 2016, the army began selling subsidized parcels of food out of the backs of trucks. It also supplied baby formula at a discount through pharmacies, touting the move as a victory over the private sector. “The Armed Forces has landed a blow against the greedy monopoly of traders and companies working in the milk industry,” the military spokesman said in a written statement in September 2016.

The most visible element of the military’s expanding economic empire is a vast array of government construction projects, including roads and apartment buildings, such as a national initiative to build a million housing units across the country. New regulations have allowed military-linked contractors to establish a virtual monopoly over public building contracts, experts say.

The so-called “New Administrative Capital” is the most ambitious of those projects. Announced in 2015, the government hoped it would attract five million residents, alleviating overcrowding in greater Cairo, currently home to an estimated 20 million people. Millions live in slums and other informal housing with unreliable access to government services.

The planned new city has offered the military ample opportunity to flex its economic muscle. When a Chinese state company backed out of a $3 billion deal to build government buildings at the site in 2017, the Armed Forces Engineering Authority offered to complete construction at half the price through subcontracts, according to Mr Husseiny.

In March, the Egyptian government announced the start of construction of a commercial district in the new capital, an area that includes plans for a 1,263-foot skyscraper. The building would be Africa’s tallest if completed. To complete this section of the new capital, the military-backed company overseeing the new capital contracted with China State Construction Engineering Corp.

On the dusty road to the construction site is a billboard for the Talaat Moustafa Group, which is one of the largest known investors in the project. The firm of Hisham Talaat Moustafa, a former senior member of Mr. Mubarak’s party, has poured nearly $2 billion in the new capital.

Mr. Moustafa emerged from an extraordinary bout of legal trouble to contribute to the project.

A Cairo criminal court convicted Mr. Moustafa of hiring the former police officer who stabbed to death a Lebanese pop star Suzanne Tamim in a Dubai hotel in 2008. The trial made Mr. Moustafa into a symbol of what many saw as a culture of excess and cronyism in the twilight years of Mr. Mubarak’s presidency. Mr. Moustafa’s office didn’t respond to requests for comment.

In June 2017, Mr. Sisi pardoned Mr. Moustafa, freeing him from prison and allowing him to resume his position as CEO of his company, TMG Holding. The firm later reported that its revenue more than doubled following Mr. Mousafa’s release and its involvement in the military-led new capital project.

—Amira El Fekki in Cairo and Jacob Bunge in Chicago contributed to this article.

Appeared in the May 22, 2018, print edition as ‘Egypt’s Economy Falls to the Military.’

Egypt’s military is moving fast to gobble up business opportunities, stoking popular resentment.

The military has amassed a growing business empire under the former general-turned-president, leading to renewed popular resentment

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clusterassets · 7 years ago

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New world news from Time: These Meghan Markle Lookalikes Are Making Thousands Per Gig — And They’re Booked Into 2019

Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Meghan Markle? If so, that might be more than a compliment — it could be a royally weird job opportunity.

Business is booming worldwide for anyone who can believably impersonate Markle, the 36-year-old American actress set to wed Britain’s Prince Harry on May 19. Talent agencies in both the U.S. and the United Kingdom say Markle lookalikes are in high demand due to skyrocketing interest in the soon-to-be newest member of the royal family. If you can walk and talk like Markle, you can earn hundreds of dollars an hour.

And judging by the continued success of Duchess of Cambridge doubles, the cottage — or should we say palace? — industry isn’t going to die out anytime soon.

“It’s a bit of a frenzy,” says Dot Findlater, the founder of California-based celebrity lookalike agency Mirror Images.

courtesy of Mirror ImagesMeghan Markle lookalike from Mirror Images

Finding That Markle Sparkle

Landing a job as a Markle impersonator isn’t as easy as you might think.

At Findlater’s company, for example, she says the first step is submitting photos of yourself (if you’re selling yourself as Markle, you’ll need almond-shaped eyes, long brown hair and freckles, among other attributes). The Mirror Images team will set up a phone call or a Skype interview with you, and if you pass muster, you’ll be professionally photographed. Only then will the firm start promoting your availability for bookings, which can include anything from a photoshoot in a tea shop to a British Invasion corporate event.

Mirror Images has two Markles, one in the U.S. and one in the U.K. Both joined the agency within the last year.

“It’s hard. Lookalikes aren’t on every street corner,” Findlater says, ticking off deciding factors like height, weight and posture. “Our business is illusion — not to trick anybody, but to make sure if a client is hiring a lookalike that they get the closest thing possible.”

Authenticity is critical for Markle doppelgängers like Lukwesa Morin, a 26-year-old graduate student who recently won a Markle lookalike contest on beautifulpeople.com. Morin says she often gets stopped on the street in Washington, D.C., by people who mistake her for the actress — and that has been a deciding factor for her to try and jump into the world of Markle lookalikedom.

For Olivia Marsden, a 22-year-old who lives near London, nailing the Markle look involves dressing almost exactly like her. The daughter of a Madonna impersonator, Marsden says she’s assembled a second wardrobe modeled after ensembles Markle has worn.

“I have the engagement outfit pretty much down to a T,” adds Marsden, of Ofavision Talent Management.

Marsden used to have blonde highlights, but she dyed her hair back to its natural color so she’d look more like Markle. Perhaps the biggest challenge for her is mimicking Markle’s American accent, which she says can be “a little bit tricky.”

courtesy of Lukwesa Morin

Interest in an American Idol

Findlater says she’s seeing more requests for Markle than she did for Kate Middleton ahead of her 2011 royal wedding to Prince William. And she has a theory as to why.

“There’s a lot more interest in the U.S. now because Markle’s American,” Findlater says. “They’re feeling closer to the royal family because of that.”

In the U.K., where much of the public is already obsessed with the royals, Helena Chard tells MONEY she’s getting up to 20 calls a day from clients who want to book Markle doubles.

As the casting director for Susan Scott Lookalikes, Chard says many customers are artists hoping to see “Markle” from a certain angle or social secretaries planning mixers. The agency offers up its talent for bachelor parties, bar mitzvahs, movie nights, conferences, anniversaries, reality shows, weddings and more.

Some companies even use doubles to stage PR stunts: “They’ll have Harry and Meghan [lookalikes] in front of the palace and film them walking through, and everyone goes completely mad and swarms them and takes photographs,” she adds.

Her agency’s website boasts 18 Markles, as well as 20 Harrys. If you want to complete the set, you can choose from seven Queen Elizabeths, 22 Kate Middletons, 19 Prince Williams, 9 Prince Georges and two Princess Charlottes.

Meghan Markle lookalike from Mirror Images

The Princess and the Gs

Posing as Markle can be a lucrative gig.

Findlater says her lookalikes generally earn between $800 and $1,200 for up to three hours of local work. If the client wants the talent to travel out of town, fees start at $2,000, and customers are generally responsible for hotel, transportation and meal costs. In some cases, the price can reach $20,000.

Findlater’s agency typically takes 20% of whatever the Markle clones make on a gig.

Chard says her Markle impersonators usually make about £400, or about $540, for a few hours, but it depends on the booking.

“I think more people are realizing there’s a market in being a lookalike, especially of the royals,” she says. “These events are such fun that the artists go to. It’s more than the money. They can go along, they actually have a good time, and they meet some incredible people on these high-profile jobs.”

Lookalike Marsden declined to discuss her rates, but she did say she has Markle events booked into 2019 — a solid indication that the fervor won’t die off once the royal wedding is over. Marsden jokes that hiring her for lookalike work is “not cheap, but it’s a lot cheaper than the real thing.”

For people like Marsden, whose day job is being an airline cabin crew member, capitalizing on the Markle mania is an ideal way to make extra cash.

“Before I became a Meghan lookalike, I would sit at home, thinking like, ‘I need another job,'” Marsden says. “It’s great to have a side job I really enjoy doing, and I get something out of it.”

May 16, 2018 at 08:45PM ClusterAssets Inc., https://ClusterAssets.wordpress.com

#Time #world #news #ClusterAssets #ClusterAsset #Cluster Asset Inc.#ClusterAssets Inc.

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tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Vol. 14

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

--- MTV's 120 Minutes w/ Alan Hunter:

*Alan has to be pulled out of his dressing room listening to George Jones (Sure, George is way too manly for Alan)

*The pinnacle of man towered over by skyscrapers in a very 20th century modern art ad for athletic 80s yuppies who drink milk. Yuppies listen to Phil Collins on evening MTV, not late night 120 minutes alternative bands.

*Wrigley's gum w/ nutrasweet for sweater wearing 80s families to chew on long bike rides.

*Awesomely 80s retro ad for a Casio keyboard drum that has a dorky guy walking around the type of alley Michael Jackson would dance in until he meets a sexy looking keyboard player who would fit right in with Prince's band at the time.

*TSOL "Colors": Another edgy new wave The Cult-esque sounding music video featuring cowboys. What was up with these bands & cowboys? Depeche Mode did it too. Decent.

*Walk in the West "Lonely Boy": Another edgy cowboy themed video? This time with the alt version of Cougar Mellon? This is more bluesy & has some of those awesome 80s video editing techniques with the band superimposed over shots of driving through rural America. Decent.

*The Descendents "Kids On Coffee": Very 80s punk/hardcore aesthetics featuring mugs of coffee & pictures of Molly Ringwald for some reason. Decent.

*Some new alternative records for the week are gone over by Alan. A few hip hop show up. Not sure if these were quirky hip hop acts or if hip hop was still considered a niche.

*Nickelodeon tips from Dennis. Nick still aired the Menace at this point. Now the black & white, non-trying-to-be-a-Teeny-Bopper-Pop-Star-themed show would give tween brats a seizure.

*Hey, "hoppin' & bobbin'" 80s family, sign up for HBO & cable. You'll get a free phone alarm clock too. Huh? Phone alarm clock? Whose dumb idea was that invention? People will never sleep beside their phones & use them for alarms *wink*

*Vomitous preview for a Joan London talk show about being a great mom & Mother's day on the Lifetime Network. Now, Joan stars in a commercial about putting her dear old mom in a nursing home to get rid of her. Ha!

*A generic new wave pop band "The Hooters" in an MTV bumper & performing & bowing, in front of a concert crowd, as a god awful song by them with the lyrics "Day by day" plays.

*Another cartoon graphics bumper for MTV featuring a jackpot machine scroll. More imagination went in to all these old bumpers than has gone into actual MTV programmingin the last almost two decades since the early 2000s.

*Joe Piscopo in a Miller Lite beer ad playing an over the top 80s wrestler, named Python Piscopo, taking over a seedy dive bar

*"Captain EO" a strangely forgotten Disney theme park music video / movie attraction produced by George Lucas & starring Michel Jackson. Looks good if you like MJ's 80s videos & Star Wars.

*James "So Many Ways": An Aussie sounding new wave singer is dancing, around a field of amber grains, like a spastic. Something new wave singers were known for doing. Dancing like a spastic. Nice, soaring, Bono-esque vocals. More than decent via video cliches.

*The Housemartins "Happy Hour": Quirky U.K. band in a pub partying themed video w/ California Raisins style animation. Terrific.

*Get a KODAK Supralife battery & be able to play air guitar longer beside your giant 80s ghetto blaster boombox. Awesome.

*"Did You know?" ad w/ 1-800 number for ordering a Yugo compact car. Pretty cheap too for a new car under 4,000. Not sure how much a new car cost in the 80s, but it would be hard to get a used car w/out 100,000 plus miles on the motor for anywhere near that amount today.

*Pringles Sour Cream & Onion dip chips has the Royal Family going goofy for the flavor.

*The low fi "do it yourself" aesthetics of videos by bands like Gene Loves Jezebel are something corporate produced videos can't re-capture.

*Gene Loves Jezebel "Heartache": Okay, I might have spoke too soon. The band had signed with Geffen records by the point of this video & the earlier clip doesn't apply. This video is slick w/ better camerawork, but the band's music still manages to shine thru. ---- Decent.

*The Bolshoi "A Way": This Brit band takes over some nice mum's quaint home to film aspooky little number for I.R.S. records 80s R.E.M.'s label

*"The Long Ryders" a hopeful "band" (not sure if real), in a Miller Beer ad, perform theircorny bar band rock & roll in a bar in Hollywood near Tower Records.

*Another stereotypical 80s dorky teen (the kind in every 80s teen movie) plays a CASIO keyboard in his totally 80s bedroom for his bored out of its mind hound-dog w/ big ears

*A 50s via the 80s "Leave it to Beaver" type nerd talks in the mirror about Cracker Jacks & then shares them with his sweetheart.

*Wrap up Hollywood hit movies like "The Karate Kid" & "The Al Jolson Story" (complete w/ him in facepalmingly funny black face) for only $29.95

*Soft & Dri ladies deodorant helps a cute black chick get ready for her tv news debut

*MTV's "Make My Video" contest for a chance to make a video for Madonna. Wow! 80s Madonna was iconic, I'll have to admit. Right up there with all the other 80s icons. Pretty to boot. Also included, in winning, is a surplus of Twix candy bars & a Levis wardrobe. I'd like to see some of the terrible entries from the contest.

*Bang "Summertime" an MTV Basement tapes winner: This NYC street video featuring a garage band that looks like KISS minus makeup feels like it would belong more on regular MTV or Headbangers Ball. --- Fair.

*Cactus World News "The Bridge": A big, soaring U2 sounding band plays for a concert festival. --- Decent.

*Alan insults Cactus World News & blames it on a music article. I admire the bite that MTV wouldn't show today in insulting an artist on their network. They'd be considered a product that would be above criticism today, if they still had vj's or music videos. Still, Alan is the wrong person to be hosting this show, as MTV would soon figure out.

*The Go-Betweens "Head Full Of Steam": Video w/ a band that has a prissy looking leadsinger & Cure video style aesthetics. Nice crooning. -- Decent.

*80s mallrat teens tired of waiting forever for zits to go away get Clearasil & then beat it on their mopad or skateboard to the local foodcourt to gawk at each other while screwing up their skin even more with chocolate milkshakes & greasy pizza slices. The winner: corporate America. The loser: hormonal teens & their scraping to get by parents.

*Toni volumizer makes any 80s chick look like a high fashion sex kitten.

*"Heartbeat of America is today's Chevrolet"... This was a time when picturesque Americana actually might have meant something before global trade sent automotive jobs overseas.These quirky Americans & American made autos have vanished. Replaced by crumbling urban landscapes (Detroit), jobless & depressed people, along with foreign made products & autos.

*Sammy Hagar era Halen takes over MTV for a week. Would have been more fun w/ Diamond Dave. Can't imagine any band taking over MTV anymore much less one like Van Halen.

*The Wind "Good News, Bad News": A funny semi-acoustic duo music act performs for their neighbors in block party black & white video. Close to decent.

*A Brit rock (nobody that I recognize) ex-junkie for a "No Drugs & Alcohol" sober music making experience 1 - 800 recovery number. Being sober is probably why his music career is so forgettable.

*James Brown for MTV. James Brown popular in the 60s & here still recognized on MTV in the late 80s. Current MTV doesn't recognize music much less music legends.

*Cryin' Out Loud "Live It Up": "I ain't no Marxist" a lyrical band w/ "a message." Fair.

*Awesome post-apocalyptic arena combat ad for a "Lazer Tag" toy. "Stadium not included ."Ha. Someone must have complained that their backyard wasn't as fantasy like as this ad.

*"VCR Theater," every night at 2am on The Movie Channel, helps rock lovin' chicks, who sleep with their electric guitar, record a flick. Why the rock & roll theme was included, in the ad, must have been because the ad was MTV specific. Otherwise, it makes no sense.

*Penn & Teller have "blood & fire" as they guest host MTV. "Born to be wild" badasses.

*A rock & roll hotel in "Playin' For Keeps" rated PG13. 80s PG, which GoodBadFlicks.com would tell you might equal a little R rated sex & nudity & language w/ the comedy. I had forgotten this 80s movie. Might be a forgotten gem, might be well a forgotten dud.

*Christy Brinkley for taking a shower & using Prell shampoo. I, like Chevy Chase, am all for getting a little wet w/ the very sexy 80s model Christy Brinkley.

*More bad jokes & bad silver jackets from Alan.

*Timbuk 3 "Future's So Bright, Gotta Wear Shades": A minor classic. terrific.

*Christmas "Big Plans": Clever points for the band name. Clever & quirky video featuring mailroom drudgery. The band escapes into a fantasy world filled with cliche 80s cheesy & weird video editing techniques. Close to terrific.

*Alan's head is now a talking head in an 80s tv set. Silver 80s tv sets w/ either a rabbit's ears antenna or a dial cable box are more art & make me feel more happy than a 60 inch flat screen wall hanging home movie theater experience to watch crappy 20 tens era reality shows on. Those old tvs played awesome UHF local tv stations & awesome at the time cable channels.

*Every day Joes drink Miller beer after they get off work from their blue collar jobs. It's the "American Way" of getting liver disease & addiction & emotional / relationship problems when you're "Born & raised in the U.S.& A."

*"Top Gun, the number one soundtrack" w/ music from Kenny Loggins, Berlyn, & Loverboy. Coming to a yuppie moron's car stereo near you! (unfortunately)

*"Dippity Do" hair styling gel for futuristic 80s weirdos.

*MTV was hip in the 80s, I might not say this enough, & for clarity on how "cool" it actually was... it had guys sticking their fists up chicken butts & wiggling said fist, while their bald heads were covered in whip or shaving cream. Why? Why not?

*The Rainmakers "Let My People Go-Go": Funky, bluesy, quirky, top hat wearing band rocks the house (literallY) while their horn section blows it up out in some rural decay while walking around w/ the bulldog from Little Rascals. Decent.

*Billy Chinmock "Somewhere in the Night": tape cut out, so who knows, didn't look like it was gonna be great for an alt video what w/ its aesthetics of a high style 80s babe walking down a foggy back alley. zero.

I think at this point in 1980's 120 minute alt rock history, they had mistaken alot of the popular bluesy rock of the time for alt rock & mixed it in w/ the Brit new wave. It didn't mesh together well. I guess none of the music on 120 minutes history ever truly did through the changing time periods & trends. At least it existed for a while & was something a bit different.

*Limited Warranty "Hit You": 120 Minutes has definitely gone off, at this point, but the tape has another video for me. It's a new wave pretty boy group. In the style of A-Ha "Take on Me." It's nothing terrible for what it is. Pretty catchy like most of that kind of music was. Decent, I guess.

close to 2 for Alan, close to 3 for MTV, 2 1/2 for videos, 2 1/2 for ads

--------------------------------------

Geraldo Rivera: Exposing Satan's Underground *"This is a horror that will give children bad dreams." We're not talking about Satan,no, it's Geraldo's mustache. Jokes & utter stupidity aside... Seriously, after all his 80s & 90s tabloid garbage "news" hysteria, it's unbelievable that Geraldo still has a career in journalism.* zero stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Ouija Boards & Near Death Experiences *The mind can be deceived through cheap games & brain power-outs.* close to 3 stars

--- DinosaurDracula.com presents Creepy Commercials Countdown:

*Sunkist Spooky Fruit (1989): Eat enough gummy fruit flavored snacks & wake up, from a candy coma, in a cemetery filled w/ animated trees, lounge about skeletons, & purple people eaters from the stars.* 2 stars

*Easter Seals Halloween Coupons w/ Vincent Price (1990): "Halloween doesn't have to be spooky." It's blasphemy for a lame organization to get one of the most symbolically spooky actors of all time to say this. "It should be warm & friendly." Even if it's meant to be ironic & Vincent Price sure reads it that way, it sucks. I want Halloween to be like Halloween 3, and end horribly. Well, at least in my imagination. Candy & fright. Not "safe" coupons.* 1 star

*Coors Light Beer w/ Elvira (1991): If I were an Addams family style disembodied hand & I met Elvira, I would do more than try to hand her a beer. I would crawl down the front of her very open black dress & never come out. Also, I wouldn't mind being at a Halloween party stuck behind Elvira in one of those two person horse costumes.* 3 stars

*Spooky Goop Halloween Make-Up (1988): Be the coolest & weirdest kid on the block going from cheap ghoul face paint to full on Fulci's Zombi grotesque skin.* 3 stars

*The People's Court Frankenstein Promo (1988): Village idiots will kill over daytime trash tv. Dr. Frankenstein & his monster (son?) would have been great guests on Jerry Springer.* close to 3 stars

----------------------------

Public Access: "My Name Is John Daker" *A mumbling piano lady, of some Methodist church according to her, & a mumbling male singer who couldn't be more stiff. They attempt a song about "The Lord" only for it to devolve into jaunty number about the moon hitting one's eye like a big-ah pizza pie.* either 1 star or 3 stars terrible becoming terrific

--- Red Letter Media presents Best of the Worst: Shakma, Python II, and Beaks the Movie

*Shakma: A crazy baboon on the loose while its victims live action role play in a college animal testing lab.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 (for primate slasher premise cuteness)

*Python II: One of those crappy CGI snake genre flicks. A genre that would be further made worse by SYFY & Asylum later on in the 2000s. The python looks startling, in its scenes, but I do not know if that's just all the taco soup, that I ate earlier, talking or what.* 1 1/2 stars

*Beaks the Movie: The VHS box cover says "unintentionally funny." See, hipsters, our VHS ancestors were self aware too. So, this is pretty much an Italian exploitation version of Hitchcock's "The Birds" complete w/ that Eye-Talian auteur creative cliche of animal cruelty. Such a dumb premise taken to its heights of ridiculousness, but M. Night would try it with "The Happening" & there's the "wants to be so bad so bad it's good" but isn't "Birdemic 1 & 2." Not really all that fun, except to Red Letter's Rich.* 1 star

According to Red Letter Media, Beaks is best (by default) Shakma is divisive & Python 2 was supposed to get destroyed by beach birds but they don't like birdseed covered VHS tapes

-------------------------------

Classic Comedy Central: Buddy Scott trio in the elevator *An office worker ant is trapped in his coffin falling a hundred plus floors to hell. He cheers up when a lounge act sing to him the message that he's "heading to the top." Penn Jillette (then voice of Comedy Central) says to "Think positive."* 2 1/2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*You Gotta Be Kidding Me: The customer is always a pain in the rear of the golf shorts.* 1 star

*They're Coming For Your Kids!: "For the cost of two Cokes," & one soul, they'll become manipulative salespeople of religious literature on their school campuses.* 1 or 3 stars

*The Net: "From astrology to gardening & punk rock."* close to 3 stars

*Telephone Song!: Be correct when you dial collect. Tween girls discover the power of the telephone. They all do.* 2 1/2 stars

*Rock Music & the Occult: "God isn't interested in impressing teenagers." Hence the reason that Satan's rock music is so successful.* 3 stars

----------------------------

"B Videos 101 Vol. 1" *"Perfect, no one suspects" that Andy Griffith is a bar brawling deviant, that Redd Foxx is from a galaxy far far away, or that Papa Smurf likes to have his salad tossed.* 2 1/2 stars & zero stars for the doo doo Jackson Pollock porno finale

--- Phone Losers:

*Security Cam Pranks - The Kitchen Couple: An outrageous & short lived invasion of boring breakfast table privacy.* either zero or close to 2 1/2 stars

*Home Security Prank Call - Peace of Mind: Every hour on the hour reassurance is bothersome & as comforting as forced prayer.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Rich Neighborhood Prank Calls: We've been going through your trash, & we don't like what we find.* 2 1/2 stars

*Tenants from Hell - Archaeological Dig Site: Before you hear it on the news, we want to let you know about the giant skeletons & the buried alien technology that we found.* close to 3 stars

-----------------------

Beavis & Butthead: It's So Cold in the D *"This is hard to dance to." Detroit has fallen on such hard times, the very danceable to hip hop sounds more like a funeral song.*

2 1/2 stars w/ riffing

1 star w/out

5 Dollar Wrestling: Death Match Dance Party *"Blood in the roller-rink."* 2 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*How To Have Cybersex on the Internet: "those who have mastered the art of one handed typing."* close to 3 stars

*It Only Takes A Second: "to be safe" or die in a hilariously horrible accident.*

3 stars

*Mr. Nasty - Insult VHS Tape: Mr. Nasty is such a bad insult comedian, he makes Andrew Dice Clay look like Jeffry Ross who looks like Nazi propaganda of a Jew on marijuana.* 1 star

*What Does God Say About Worldliness: "It's better to go to a funeral than to go to a party." Maybe so, but it's not as much fun. So this failed comedian, turned touring for money evangelist, says one can have a fine stable of horses, cars, or women... but HaHa, it's a one way ticket to H-E-L-L. The evangelical sort of brags about having a stable of finely bred horses, by the way. His audience looked like they were at a funeral. No smiles, no laughs, no horses, just misery. I thought they called it the gospel (good news).* 1 star

*Something's Happening: Watching the mucus sizzle. The "stuff that's killing the world" (mucus) of a old man / mucus conspiracy theorist. (What did I just watch?!)* Uh? stars?

------------------------------

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Coma

*Joe Bob has on his gloriously un-politically correct rebel flag western shirt (Joe Bob is just too un-PC for current tv) & he does a funny editorial on the world's obsession with wrapping the everyday garbage products we produce & consume up with so much other wrapping that there's no real garbage anymore just the plastic we used to hold all the crap we consumed.

*TNT had such a hard on for E.R. coming to TNT, Joe Bob says that's the reason the first flick is E.R. creator Michael Crichton's "Coma"

*Drive In totals: 77 dead bodies... 8 breasts 2 living 6 dead (censored)... Brain slicing kidney weighing.. vegetable handling.. organ donating.. plastic covered peni (Devious look on Joe Bob's face as he says this).. death by electrocution... gratuitous New England antiquing... fire extinguisher fu.. cadaver fu..

*Huggies ad w/ a baby parachuting out of a plane thru fluffy clouds. Don't diapers sell themselves? Babies are cute, sure, but is this to convince new parents of that fact & to make the awful reality of changing shitty diapers not have them wanting to put their brat up for adoption?

*Dennis Miller for dollar collect calls & being a smug asshole. Only good thing that he ever did was Weekend Update on SNL, & Norm was better at it. Fallon & Tina not my choice...Colin Quinn pretty okay...

*Fisher Price Rescue Mission toddler action figures ad... Huh? This isn't Saturday morning cartoon commercial breaks? This is after 11pm TNT. Why the ads for kids & their parents?

*A dog dreams about bacon in the classic "Beggin Strips" commercial. I think this would not be politically correct now either. Dogs can't eat bacon because their owners have to feed them liberal nazi approved gluten free & non-processed healthy meat dog food. Surely no bacon, a little chicken (no hormones) & they'd just love to take meat away from dogs & make them vegans. They don't go that far yet, but PETA probably does with their pets.

*Leann Rimes (sp?) croons the classic country song "Blue" while images of picturesque Maine play in a Red Lobster commercial. Nice combo.

*An ad about the type of toothbrush (Oral B) a dentist uses, & so should you. Dentists also have free access to all the high tech dental cleaning & surgery tools in their office, so why does it matter that they use a certain toothbrush at home? It doesn't.

*WCW's "The Giant" has nostrils so big that he could inhale most normal size people. Check him out on TNT's WCW Monday Nitro.

*Ikea turns a subway train into a kitschy living space for the daily grind passengers. Ikea furniture also is the decor of one of the sub levels of Hell.

*Joe Bob reads from the "trashy" novel version of Coma while he sips from his Budweiser covered in a TNT logo coozy.

*Another of the countless "never need another" "get back to your outdoor life" allergy rx ads. I wonder if evolved alien civilizations, out there in the stars, still deal w/ allergy problems on their planets filled w/ lush plant life...

*Firestone helps a young college age guy & his dog get back out on the road of life in his beat up convertible. "Saved money too." Sure, mechanics aren't rip off artists.

*Visit the TNT website for NBA news, a Babylon 5 chatroom (you were a legit nerd if you were on a chat site like this in the 90s, not a hipster nerd), even a Monstervision page

*$1.99 Disney toys in Happy Meals has a future out of the closet broadway kid putting on a living room show, along w/ his sister, for his parents who are too cheap to buy real toys or cook an actual healthy dinner for their kids. Harsh, but whatever.

*Kevin Nealon, another Weekend Update SNL alumni, sells out to a collect call ad.

*Antz, one of the early CGI Pixar style movies. Has some of the charm, if I'm remembering correctly, of those CGI cartoon movies for kids, not as obnoxious as most, but the animation hasn't aged well (imo).

*Monks avoid breaking their vow of silence by chewing "Beano" before eating gassy salads at dinner. First semi clever & funny & not despisable ad of the night.

*Digitally restored, & w/ dvd style extras, episodes of Star Trek coming to 1990s Sci Fi channel hosted by Shatner.

*Joe Bob has an I.V. drip ran into his beer to keep with the medical theme.

*Joe Bob makes a joke about Dustin Hoffman being a midget who has to wear platform pimp shoes. ha

*Two patronizing ads to talk about. One w/ a less manly man who needs to get a mid sized Sonoma pick up truck like a "real man." Another about a old maid going to Tru Value to pick up (not truck) a can of paint to match her cat's furball.

*Eggo's new microwave pancakes (I'm sure they're edible?) make a dad believe he's a short order breakfast cook at a greasy spoon diner. One where truckers show up in a family's kitchen in the morning. If truckers are showing up in your kitchen, uninvited, it's not for griddle cakes. It's cause you're gettin' raped.

*Wanna check out what whitebread 90s peoples looked like, view this "So easy to use, no wonder it's #1" America Online 1 800 number commercial

*"Come see the softer side of SEARS" Short story, every time I used to go to the mall ,I somehow ended up entering thru the SEARS appliance section. So, first I was greeted by refrigerators, washers, dryers, color tvs (Dire Straits, wink). The softer side, the SEARS clothing section, was way off in another part of the mall. Some tucked away corner. By the time that I was there, mall anxiety was really getting to me. I wanted to Tom Savini "Dawn of the Dead" special fx kill a few mall motherfuckers. Not really. I'm more timid & just wanted to run back out the way I came thru all the appliances.

*Joe Bob talks about Rip Torn being a good ole Texas boy & having starred in an episode of I Love Lucy. Joe Bob doesn't really like Lucy (me either) but feels like he's seen every episode (me too for some reason).

*Joe Bob blames Nick at Nite for classic tv osmosis, & says we're better off watching "hick at nite." I definitely digged TNT's Monstervision & 100 % Weird, but there were a few late nite Nick at Nite shows worth watching like F-Troop & Dobie Gillis among others

*"Get back to the groovy 60s" w/ flower power & free love? No. McDonald's Big-Macs & fries instead. The secret sauce is almost as good as sex & for 49 cents, the same price a burger was in 1969, I'm in. Don't take the brown acid or Grimace will really freak you out, mannnn!

*Kinkos guido competitors think it's better to have comedy than color printing. Not a bad ad going off one viewing & not having it ran into the ground like tv ads' fate goes.

*"Smile you got French's Smile you got fun." French's mustard. Smile you got heartburn. Smile you got a nasty yellow stain on your white t-shirt. Points for the dog, in the ad, w/ a whole hotdog held sideways in his mouth w/out swallowing. That had to have lasted all of 2 seconds. Dogs swallow everything whole in seconds.

*Cute commercial w/ live bears dressed up like a mama bear & her school aged children little bears. She dresses them up in backpacks & sends them off into the woods to go to school. She packs a lunch of rice krispie treats in wrappers. Bears & people food don't mix. The bears probably destroyed the set to eat all the sticky candy & mauled a few school children once they got to school.

*Motorola phones & pagers give NYC hipster yuppies "wings." It's a fashion model / actress who attended suit & gown parties while also keeping it real w/ her across town jeans & t-shirt boyfriend. Not sure how many regular folks had a cell phone at this point. Pagers were pretty popular yet ghetto.

*Campbells tries to give moms the delusion that their teenage sons will leave the bedroom & the Playstation long enough to have a family meal in the kitchen.

*Hip Hop tapdance meets RiverDance meets the Salsa dance in a TOPS appliance ad. Why they needed to spice up an appliance store grand opening is just a sign of the popularity of River Dance crap at this point in the 90s.

*TimeWarner cable, it's like a bagel penetrated by the Empire State building. No, really, that's the image they put on the screen. Not sexual subliminal at all, wink wink. Either that or they're saying, "Fuck you, New York, pay your overpriced TimeWarner cable bill, 'cause we got our figurative giant dick up your ass!"

*Joe Bob claims to have been kicked out of a convent of nuns. Fox in the hen-house.

*I think it's important to view these old (not too old) ads, because the sinister hand appears, & is more visible given the historical context. It shows that sinister hand has always been around trying to make the world outside the hamster wheel seem prettier than it really is.

*Wear Target clothes & look like a model photographed in stunning black & white photography Yep.

*Tony Danza is the boss of fifty percent off collect calls. These collect calls ads were the pathetic celebrity precursor to things like Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice & Dancing w/ the Stars.

*Preview for James Garner in a TNT original movie along with Kathleen Turner. Ted Turner had a real hard on for old actors like Garner.

*A Geico car insurance fairy ad. Geico were already torturing people at this point? Hmmm.

*Another Geico ad w/ a business guy bumming a ride on the back of a chicken truck w/ feathers flying in his mouth & all over the place. Quirky, but still Geico, & they've worn out their welcome long ago.

*Joe Bob & Reno the Mail Girl discuss Bill Clinton lowering the standards of America's women w/ his flawed Southern charm & looks.

*"Words instead of letters" to the tune of "Sweet nuthins" on Motorola Wings pagers. The era of text messages has begun. Interesting ad for historical purposes.

*A pretty lady leans out of the darkness, turns on a light, & says "Do you see the tar stains on my teeth or smell the tobacco on my breath?" Well, no I don't have smell-o-vision & whatever happened to Targon mouthwash? Smokers just don't give a shit anymore. The rising price of smoking (health, money, & legally) has worn smokers down.

*Clairol hair color. Coloring one's hair can make that person feel like a "natural wo-man."

*Joe Bob thinks that the TNT censors are out to blur comatose boobs because they mistakenly think the sight of them will make people wanna screw nekkid corpses.

*Joe Bob ridicules the plot holes & foolishness involving bumbling security guards & a heroine who is clued in but clueless.

*Coma: A sleuthing surgeon almost sinks trying to stop a corrupt hospital conspiracy of organ harvesting for profit & having a social climbing coworker boyfriend (Michael Douglas) who doesn't, til almost her end, believe her conspiracy.*

running from 2 to 2 1/2 stars for Coma, 3 for Joe Bob, & 1 1/2 for the ads

--------------------------------

The Young Turks: Fox News's War On... Sharks *Clear the waters, sharks, people are number 1.* 2 stars (edit years later: I used to occasionally get news from the turds at Turks. how dumb.)

Public Access: "Live TV Prank Calls To Pro-911 Communist Public Access Host" (youtube) *Bluff & guff.* either 1/2 or 1 star

James Randi & Psychic Crime Solving *Police don't officially use psychics but often rely on their illogical detective work.* either 1/2 (what'd you expect? other than sensational lies by the psychic. which this time didn't happen. therefore dull reading.) or 3 stars

==== The Comfort Zone w/ Ray Comfort:

"Ray Comfort's New Homosexuality Movie" ("Audacity" ha...)

*"People were begging" this Aussie sounding evangelical, Kirk Cameron's buddy, the guy who debated, along with Kirk, atheists.

They were begging him to make a movie about gay ole homosexuality in the non-happy sin sense.

He's also infamous for a video where he talks about evolution & creation using a banana as an example.*

runs from 1 to close to 2 stars

(He's rather polite & there's not a lot of hate towards gays as usual w/ these things.)

(edit, years later:

when you're a shitlib supporter of gay rights, you put them up on a pedestal.

not realizing how truly degenerate they are.

this is way before I saw pics of what really goes on at pride parades.

where oral & anal sex takes place on the street along w/ half naked men in leather & clown outfits performing spankings & bondage acts.

many times, other non-gay themselves equal rights, for queers, supporters (like i was) would bring their families (including children) there to support these pride marches. that's a folly that should open more eyes. not sure it does when one is that blinded w/ the mindset of "don't judge" & "love is love"... ugh... smh in disgust & shame

here I was poking fun at a dumb evangelical (man of faith in a faithless world. an easy target.) & his banana folly

while thinking anyone else was intolerant or ignorant for holding onto tradition in the face of such odd & socially dysfunctional behavior.

forgive me.)

================================================================================

Conan on TBS: James Bobo Fay Got His Hands On Sasquatch Semen *Bobo is willing to "take one for the team" of bigfoot hunters. In the name of pseudo-science & love.* 2 1/2 stars

Kenny vs. Spenny: Who Is Cooler? *Kenny overdosing on black tar heroin or Spenny, Kenny's caring nurse, dressed up like a "Greek rapist" (Johnny Depp)? The obvious loser gets locked in a cold meat locker.* close to 3 stars

"Fan Made Dominos Pizza Commercial featuring a fake The Undertaker" *Okay, so it's the Summer of 1992? It's a few months before the World Wrestling Federation pay per view wrestling show "Summerslam." Beware though The Undertaker has been missing for months. That's not the strange part, no, the strange part is that The Naked Gun's Leslie Nielsen had been out searching for him in vignettes. Dominos pizza was the sponsor. Here, some real nerds borrow a vhs camcorder, their Dominos delivery gremlin of a car, & a nighttime cemetery to film one of their friends dressed up like their hero, The Under-taker, lurking behind a tree while, in said graveyard, ordering pizza through the power of the darkside? Not exactly sure, but he got them to deliver w/out paying for the pizza & only leaving an autographed picture of himself as a tip.* 3 stars for absurd effort

Look Around You: Food *Vegetable orchestra for the Feast of Saint Frankenstein. Featuring a piping hot casserole made out of recycled & dehydrated food that pushes the fat right out of the skin. Or you could stay home & celebrate your birthday with a delivery medicinal-pizza.* close to 3

"New Orleans Airwaves - The Mystery Morgus Episode" *Serialized & shot on grainy film, circa 1960s, mad science lab hijinks w/ all the gloriously ghoulish trappings.* more than 2 1/2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Christian Star Wars: It's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for an Imperial lazer beam to penetrate the soul of a believer.* 3 stars

*Anybody Can Make Chili Dogs: Knock on a stranger's door & share the message of love topped w/ a variety of condiments to mask the bland taste of grinded pig's anus packaged in a tube form.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Machine Gun Magic: "They're not for everyone." Just those who can't get enough of that tat-a-tat-tat action.* 1 star

*Police Scanner: The suspect appears to be an obese house-cat.*

either 1/2 a star or fair

*Why Wait For Heaven: The babyboom generation were really susceptible to cult thought & behavior.*

either 1 or 2 1/2 stars (eye opener, I'm now a mindless believer)

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Manimal: Night of the Beast *Simple bear necessities of wildnerness life trying to be corrupted & turned into a casino resort for the mafia. Robert Englund (not quite Freddy just yet) vs. Manimal. There's a destructive claw, in the movie, but it's not Freddy's. It's Manimal in a ridiculous looking bear suit.* 2 1/2 stars

Men Without Hats - Safety Dance (Literal Version) *"Whack a midget's ass."* 2 1/2 stars for literal 3 stars for original

Angry Video Game Nerd: Seaman for Dreamcast *It has Leonard Nimoy. It eats time & knowledge. It says / does "fuck." It's not logical... or is it? (Cue creepy sci fi music)* 3 stars

The Young Turks: Man Breaks Leg Attempting To Rape Horse *Sadly "it wasn't his first "rodeo"..."* 1 star

Hannibal: Fromage *Lures & lutes. Hannibal gets into a kung fu showdown w/ a fellow serial killer.*

3 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: PETA & Eat This! *Ethical? No. Infact, insanely evil. Emaciated? Yes. ------ Stop expecting results. Start exacting change. Avoid batshit crazy activists at all cost. They'd starve us all.* 3 stars

---- Memory Hole:

*I'm Obese Song: Just tryna tell you people that I'm messed up.* 3 stars

*Meatsack Worshipers: It puts the cow tongue on its skin or else it won't ever get Fritos again.* close to 3 stars

*Salad Tossers: Hidden Valley's behind closed doors food fetishes.* 2 1/2 stars

*Satan's Dinner Prayer: Dig in, hooves first.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Dance Til U Puke: Achy Breaky Rappers never die. They cry "unbutton my fly."* 3 stars

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"Munchies" (1987) *Roger Corman produced Gremlins ripoff starring Harvey Korman as a polyester sleazeball bumbling villain. Exists in a quirky America similar to Tim Burton's "Mars Attacks."* running from 2 down to 1 1/2 stars

---- Reel Wild Cinema w/ Sandra Bernhard : Supernatural Sirens

*Creepy Mexican 1940s Universal Horror looking horror short called "Curse of the Crying Woman." Pretty darn creppy, and much more depraved than Universal Horror.

*Sandra wants to slap a bitch (The Crying Woman) & then go get a massage (ha)

*Sandra says not to mess with the hearts of Texas witches or sell your soul to Hollywood

*"The Naked Witch" a story about Bruce Campbell's hipster twenty something year old uncle riding the backroads of Texas, in the 1960s, accidentally bringing back to life buried & vengeful femme fatales. while all the time narrating to himself about it.

*Sandra drops some info about the director of "Naked Witch" filming another flick called "Naughty Dallas" in a strip club owned by Lee Harvey Oswald's assassin Jack Ruby

*Comedian Dana Gould joins Sandra to talk about capes, masks, & restraining orders.

*Sandra gives a hilarious history lesson on Mexican imports including pain killers, ponchos, various other things from Tijuana, & most of all El Santo horror/sci fi movies

*"Samson vs. The Vampire Women"... Watch as El Santo gets "monkey flipped," then puts a werewolf in a "camel clutch" wrestling submission hold. I love typing that sentence.

*1950s retro ad where a woman shows off her Playtex magic plastic bra as she turns completely invisible, except for her underwear, in a grocery store of all places.

*Dana talks w/ Sandra about his friendship w/ Ed Wood's starlet Vampira (sp?). Great story about how she met a rollerskating Bela Lugosi on Hollywood Boulevard. Ha. awesome.

*"The Girl in the Cage"... a 1960s kooky nudie short minus the nudity. We can watch the kitschy siren paw at her bamboo prison, but no nudity. 'Cause even though we're all adults & this is late night, the Puritans who wouldn't ever watch this, & the kids, whose parents ought to have them in bed by late night tv time, might get offended. Nice jungle girl strip tease, none the less.

*Buy a Viva Santo t-shirt from this 1 800 number ad. Do it before Hot Topic puts it up at their store & makes it not cool to wear anymore. Shortly after, they did.

*Grindhouse coming attractions commercials for "The Werewolf vs. The Vampire Woman"... "Devil Woman" a cobra charming she bitch flick from Asia.... "Fanny Hill Meets Dr. Erotico" a Frankenstein sexploitation feature....

*No surprise to find out, via the credits, that the show's "Film Doctor" is none other than the director of "Basket Case" & "Frankenhooker"

3 stars for the shorts & 3 stars for Sandra

----------------------------------

--- Crematia's Horrorscopes (old school tv horror host):

*Aries "A man w/ a glass eye will try to catch yours as his rolls under a table"... Not a bad way to meet. "Meet cutes" make me wanna puke. Glass eyes usually make me want to puke, too, This however I like.

*Taurus "A gardener will ask you to propagate. Don't do it. Ask him to fix the latch." If you have to be told not to screw your gardener, you need more than your horrorscope read. Gardeners don't look the way sexless middle aged women imagine them to be. No six-pack & tan. Only a mustache w/ bread crumbs in it. "Fix the latch." He's not a gynecology expert, either, I'm sure. If you can afford a gardener, you can afford a trip to the vagina doctor. We're already asking enough work, at slave wages, from our illegal help.

*Gemini "Cockroaches will stage a counter-revolution in your kitchen." Wouldn't that make the cockroaches already the oppressive regime in one's house if that were so?... No hiding when the lights come on. It's the humans crawling around in the dark trying to throw molotov cocktails in order to get access to the cereal cabinet or the fridge. Are they gonna booby trap cans of roach spray so that it will explode in the human's hands? That sounds more revolutionary than counter-revolutionary.

*Cancer "You'll be given a gift that requires batteries." This had to be tame in order to be on basic tv. But is a sex toy joke being worked in here? Not funny & probably not.

*Leo "A poultry farmer will ask you to do foul things, but you'll chicken out." Okay, maybe I was wrong about the last one not being about a sex toy. This is getting pretty grotesque. "Chickening out" hints at being interested in the first place. I don't know too many women or men who'd have to turn over in their heads the notion of doing foul things w/ a guy who more than likely smells of chicken feces even after bathing. Someone might be in to that. Someone w/out a gag reflex (I don't mean that in an oral sex sense).

*Virgo "A woman will view your clothing w/ disdain & offer you club soda." Bad joke.

*Libra "You'll attend a party that reminds you of a bowl of cereal full of fruits, nuts, & dates." First, you need some fruits & nuts to spice up a party. Aren't dates dried up fruit? Who'd want a dried up date? Not the fruit but an actual romantic interest... Who'd be at a party thinking about cereal? besides a really high stoner who couldn't wait to get back to their apt & watch cartoons....

*Scorpio "You'll be invited to the neighbors for a matzo ball but you won't know what to wear." If you're that culturally ignorant, then wear some of your Nazi memorabilia attire.

*Sagittarius "A grammarian will make rude comments about your dangling participle" that's pretty clever, I guess. unless your sexual partner is the grammarian.

*Capricorn "A fisherman will invite you to dinner. Go just for the halibut." Stay to look at his small dinghy. Surprised that she didn't say that too.

*Aquarius "A foreigner will misinterpret your body language & take you up on an offer." What's w/ all the references to stumbling into a bad sexual situation? People who follow the nonsense of the zodiac must be really paranoid about rape.

*Pisces "A phrenologist will ask to look at your wife's bumps." He's a doctor of small bumps. He's not a plastic surgeon wanting to give your wife bigger boobs.

Crematia has a dirty mind.

2 1/2 stars

---------------------------

GoodBadFlicks.com : "Bad Channels" *Orson Welles "War of the Worlds" radio airwaves alien panic meets early 1990s rock & roll cheese plus Full Moon Horror productions animatronics special fx work. Starring quirky & energetic MTV vj Martha Quinn.* close to 3 stars for the review

Idiot Box starring Alex Winter: Episode 1 *Raw animal urges & accounting.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Clerks TV Show Pilot (Disney) 1995 *So sanitized, Silent Bob would have Tourettes trying to sit through it. Jim Breuer would fit in pretty well w/ Jason Mewes.* close to 2 stars

The Daily Show w/ Craig Kilborn: 1996 Bill Clinton & Bob Dole Presidential Debate Coverage *Kilborn struggles to connect w/ the studio audience (I believe there was one & it wasn't just the crew laughing. Or maybe it was. Often quiet.. only minimal laughing noise). The correspondents of the Daily Show invade their first of many major political events. You could tell that the major news journalists didn't really know how to react to it. Nothing interesting to report from the snoozer debate. News of Sammy Hagar fired from Van Halen. A funny bit called "Tesh History" that I forgot about & remember liking back in the day. Craig interviews old school entertainers Joe Balogna & his wife Renee Taylor.* 2 stars

Nickelodeon Arcade (featuring the stars of Nick's Salute Your Shorts) *Donkey Lips & Buttlick (the redheaded scumbag pal of Edward Furlong in Terminator 2) go to a gameshow arcade ran by a quirky black dude in a colorfully loud shirt. The type of arcade that moms imagine. Ones w/ a green screen like on the weather channel & where kids wear bike helmets plus elbow & knee pads just to be safe.* 2 1/2 stars (fond childhood memory)

Reading Rainbow: The Salamander Room (1994) *LeVar visits a NYC zoo rainforest enclosure. Much love to Lynne Thigpen who was the voice of reading the story. An unsung hero of the show. Also, there's a reason the theme song is stuck in many an adult's head years & years after never hearing the song again. Good reason that is.* 3 stars

James Randi debunks an aura reader (youtube) *The aura reader had to pick out the auras or actually sillhouettes of strangers behind a thin white sheet. 2 out of 5 ain't bad, given it's all a game of chance & aura reading is bullshit. But, if I were the aura reader, I would claim that the 1920s style barbershop quartet top hats threw off their chakras.* 2 stars

---- TV Carnage:

*Seamless: On Dr. Phil, today a murder confession, tomorrow the tale of a clutterbug.* 3 stars

*The Bottom Line Is Nice Hair! No Matter How You Get It!: "There's a new you waiting" & he has teased bangs but no bald spot.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Your Inner Piece: If you are wise, you won't let a white guy wanna be yoga master (yogi) put you into all kinds of awkward stretching positions that resemble sex positions.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Women Look Amazing When They Fight: Noogies & short shorts. I miss America's Roman gladiatorial days of sexist lady athletics.* 2 1/2 stars

*Sylvia Dogs Do Rule Heaven: Saint Peter has a St. Bernard.* 2 stars

----------------------

Beavis & Butthead: Don't Call Me Dude - Scatterbrain *If you don't know the dude, it's rude.* 2 stars w/ riffing close to 2 stars w/out

Uncharted Zone: Gemma Cretella - Thesis Antithesis Synthesis *Pretentiously wordy hipster techno music white rapper.* 1 1/2 stars

Robocop: Zone Five *This series continues to borrow heavy from Batman & Frank Miller. There's a drug hitting the streets of Old Detroit that's similar to The Joker's laughing gas. The bureaucrats have turned a section of the most crime ridden part of the city over to vigilantes who secretly are the criminals supplying the drug. There's a psychiatrist agreeing w/ the criminals & he's a lot like Dr. Crane in Batman Begins. Robocop's son almost gets corrupted by the vigilantes, similar to a lot of Robin stories.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax versus 70's Commercials from CBS's presentation of the Star Wars Holiday Special *"Always look for the union label" & the "extreme melodrama."* 3 stars w/ riffing 2 1/2 stars w/out

Occult Demon Cassette presents "Never Be A Victim" (1990s Stranger Danger) *Be alert, aware, & filled w/ awful anxiety. Has friendly Irish-Canadian police officer Jim scared the shit out of you, w/ his helpful hints about the horrific, yet or not?* either 1 or 2 stars

"Madman" (1982) w/ commentary from cast & crew *Trends don't always have to be a bad thing. Following in the footsteps of Friday the 13th & Halloween, some young, determined filmmakers scrounge together enough resources to take a camp legend & turn it into another great entry into the early days of the 80s slasher genre.* 3 plus stars w/ commentary 3 stars w/out

American Gothic: Inhumanitas *To living we owe respect. To the dead we owe the truth. To the devil, Lucas Buck, a crooked lawyer owes money & also a corrupted preacher owes his soul.* close to 3 stars or 1 1/2 stars for the horrible CGI / unintentionally funny scene of a poor, old, black man's head on the body of the angel sister pretending to be a waitress.

"Warlock Moon" w/ audio commentary from Joe Bob Briggs *According to Joe Bob, San Francisco & Austin indie filmmakers may have traded ideas about turning the classic children's fable "Hansel & Gretel" into a horror flick. He suspects much marijuana was smoked in the process (ha). San Francisco produced this one, Warlock Moon, which Joe Bob says should have went by its other, much better title "Blood Spa." The Austin connection makes it very similar to & almost a sister film of "Saw" (Texas Chain, that is).*

3 stars w/ commentary & 2 stars w/out

The Higgins Boys & Gruber: Skinny Wizard *Tired of spending your weekend either jamming out to metal in your kitchen/den/living room combo or going to the mall w/ your devil worshiping friend Thad? Straighten up, thanks to The Parents Coalition for Good Tunes.* 2 1/2 stars

Jerry Springer: "I'm In Love With A Gay Vampire" *You'd think that it'd be a drain, but they're great emotional & spiritual support in a relationship or affair.* 1 star

Duran Duran: Rio (Literal Video Version) *"Sweet air saxophone dude, dude, dude, dude..."*

running from 2 to close to 2 1/2 starsw/ literal & close to 2 1/2 stars for actual

"Dirty Shary" ---xxx--- (1985) *She's got a 44. No, not a handgun. A 44 double d breast size & she's using it to somehow help take down a white slavery sex ring.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Cheaters: Anesthesiologist Finds Cougar Wife Cheating *Menopause shouldn't mean a skanky girls nite out addict should pause gettin' some from douchebag hunks just 'cause her hubbie specializes in dulling sensitivity.* zero stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Mitchell *"Leaves behind the "great" smell of brute." Joel also leaves behind a great legacy, fleeing in an escape pod after this awful movie. This movie is more anti-drug idiotic than Reefer Madness. Joe Don runs around being a supposed to be loveable drunk, but isn't, always chugging a six pack & shooting first or causing someone else's violent demise, even at one point an innocent helicopter cop partner. However, he's on his moral high horse in forced comedic interactions w/ his high class escort girlfriend who he's always shoving around & hauling off to jail for a small amount of marijuana. Hypocritical. That's on top of the rest shit movie smeared in 70s era country western trucker lowlife swagger Americana b.s. (not just in the also awful soundtrack & not in any cool way).*

more than 2 stars w/ Joel's last MST3K riff & 1 star w/out

5 Dollar Wresling: Storm Maverick, Your Next 5 Dollar Wrestling Superstar *He body slams his pillow, even though it's also his amigo, on his grandma's living room floor.* close to 3 stars

--- TBS Commercials May 12, 1988 (Part 3 on Youtube) ran during the Superstation Movie Presentation of "The Savage Bees":

*The announcer lady talks about how Thursday at 8:00pm prime time, TBS will be showing The Dirty Dozen w/ Lee Marvin & Ernest Borgnine. That shows the huge difference in old school TBS & modern "Very Funny" TBS. The Dirty Dozen is very manly whereas TBS's modern primetime lineup of "Big Bang Theory" is very unmanly.

*Preview for Frank Sinatra as a guest on Larry King Live on sister network CNN.

*80s mallrat tween girls dance about because Lee 'Press On Nails' have just been made for smaller hands.

*Partly animated Murine earwax removal system commercial. My grandparents were of the Depression/WW2 generation. By the late 80s, they were already retired & living comfortably. Products & ads like this remind me so much of their medicine cabinet. TBS reminds me of them, as well. Old war movies, westerns, & Americana sitcoms / dramas.

*A New York Giants linebacker, in full gear, in his locker room spraying athletes foot cure spray on his toes. The brand is NP-27, & the can couldn't have a more generic yellow & red color scheme design or bland logo. Probably why the product didn't last...

*Sleepinal to help 80s adults fall asleep fast. The milquetoast ad man for Sleepinal puts me to sleep just looking at & hearing speak.

*Quirky promo for prehistoric time travel feature "The Land that Time Forgot" on Grandpa Munster's Super Scary Saturday on the Superstation.

*Remember those old Time Life music compilation commercials? The ones where some forgotten entertainer would stand alone in a studio & sing a few lines from each of their hit songs? Well, here's one for "Get the Very Best of Ray Stevens" & Ray is at his best (worst?) as he sings his tunes while dressed up in costumes fitting each silly song. Whitetrash variety

*"Munster, Go Home" promo coming on Saturday afternoon on the Superstation.

Ah, I so miss old school TBS Superstation

A very biased for nostalgia reasons 3 stars

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Extended Play on Tech TV 10/12/2001? *Extended Play was such a better name than X Play. X for xtreme, I guess, sounds like something a group of smarmy ad people sat around & did focus groups to come up with a "cool" title. Adam Sessler a thick head of spiky Billy Idol hair too. There's also no nerd sex object Morgan Webb to lust over. Talk with a visionary computer gaming studio ,Xulu, who wanted to have a realistic space travel simulator. Sad news that the already dead, at the time, Sega Dreamcast wouldn't be getting Shenmue 2, & instead X Box would. Preview for the classic, cute, & addictive "Super Monkey Ball."* 2 stars

Cracked.com : Why 28 Days Later is Secretly About Sex *Everything in this running zombies(? infected?) flick is a metaphor over frustration about humans' urges surrounding fucking.* either 1 star or 3

Brass Eye: Science *Some people say that heavy electricity isn't real. Those people aren't idiots or celebrities looking to be cool standing up for a cause they pretend to understand.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Forbidden Transmission 2: Cultural Fallout *Let's all smoke pot, dat damn fried chicken, do fag stuff. Shucky ducky, quack quack. Grab a slut & pee in her butt* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Baby Grobags *Planned Parenthood presents Baby Grobags from the makers of Hot Pockets. These bundles of joy are smarter than a 5th grader & an adult.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Cinema Insomnia w/ Mr. Lobo: Bigfoot, Mysterious Monster

*Retro 1970s ad for Mattel's Creepy Crawlers 'Thingmaker 2' from an era when little girls wore granny sized eye glasses. Awesome.

*Some 1960s era Go-Go dancing w/ upskirt shots of nice legs in pantyhose & white jungle babes.

*Mr. Lobo wants the viewer to suspend disbelief for the "Godfather of Grunge" Bigfoot

*1950s sci fi film star Peter Graves comes on camera, very grim, to tell the viewers of the film about its earnestness in documenting the truth about Bigfoot (snicker) & to warn them of the horror (let the exploitation begin).

*Vintage trailer for King Kong vs. Godzilla. In it, an American scientist talks about how King Kong's brain is bigger. Go America, boo Japan! Our monster is smarter. But did we not kidnap Kong from Skull Island in the Pacific? Shhh! He's a Yankee, now!

*Lobo & Graves both talk about the Loch Ness monster. Of course, Lobo does it more tongue in cheek. Loch Ness vs. Bigfoot... about as close as we could actually come to King Kong vs. Godzilla. That is if all the crazies are right & reality isn't.

*Parody of those old soft rock romance cd ads that would play on t.v. This one is for cult sci fi character Krankor. For only 9 payments of $9.99 own Candles, Krankor, & You. It will make you want to hug your significant other on a sunset beach while the waves gently break on your feet. Ah... romantic.

*Nice bumpers for Cinema Insomnia using old cartoons. One has a giant, angry motor oil can chasing a cute something or other...

*Lobo is keeping up w/ the latest crypto weirdo through UFO magazines & such.

*Graves tries to pass off modern lizards' ties to ancient times, including the funny little running on two legs lizard complete w/ wacky sound effects, to prove the possibility of Sasquatch... He's no Darwin.

*1950s ad for Gravy Train dog food "Makes it's own gravy" & "looks like beef stew" if you believe Johnny, the hound's owner. Go ahead, Johnny, take a bite. You know you wanna.

*"This could be your terror!" "This could be your city!" so it says in a vintage trailerf or Rodan. The early days of the atomic age had people actually wondering if that were true or not. Or at least shelling out a nickel or dime to see monster carnage.

*American history lesson on Sasquatch. He ("they") migrated from Asia. Oh, no, don't tell Donald Trump. Also, a Brit team, in the 1800s, possibly captured a young one & named it "Jacko." Hmm... a young, repressed weird boylike creature named "Jacko"... Why am I reminded of a chimp named "Bubbles" & a pursuit of The Elephant Man's bones...

*Lobo is having stomach problems out in a park restroom on his hunt for Bigfoot. He'll find another big, hairy manlike creature instead. The North American Gay Bear fetishist.

*Gigantis, the Fire Monster trailer. Bigfoot as an excuse for all the kaiju krazy

*Graves tries to argue the importance of oral statements on Bigfoot to a scientist. The scientist doesn't buy it. He wants hard scientific evidence. Graves brings up the fact that the courts relied on such testimony. Thank science for physical scientific evidence coming into play more now in the courts. It's not 100 percent perfect, yet, but it's far better than a jury believing the same person, in a real trial of importance, who had earlier given a sworn report on their encounter w/ a mythical creature.

*An adult Bigfoot believer recounts his time out camping w/ his Boy Scout troop when Bigfoot was caught sniffing their underwear late one night. This caused the boys to squeal like a Girl Scout. This only proves that Bigfoot belongs not in the list of known species but instead on that of sex offenders.

*Chilly Dilly "The Personality Pickle" a cartoon pickle spokesperson who looks like Jimminy Cricket. A portable pickle snack. Snacks have come a long long way. Picklemania ran wild.

*Lobo visits w/ the director of "Bloodthirst, the Legend of the Chupacabra." American woodsmen are afraid of Bigfoot & Mexican desertmen(?) fear "Goat Sucker."

*Trailer for the above mentioned flick. Looks very low budget & shot on video. Also like a vampire flick instead of a monster flick. The director explained that he believed the Chupacabra was actually another Mexican/South American legend called the Mocha or something Vampire. He admits fans & critics hated his Chupacabra re-imagining & I can easily see why. It sucks.

*Chocolate Toddy dairy bar snack in a can. It's 1950s white people approved. Mooooooo! The poor dairy bar worker guy. What a lame uniform.

*Suburban Sportsman is odd & I don't know what to make of it. A sort of travelogue of Area 51 conspiracy theorist visiting the base, looking at dead sheep corpses, & then going out on the salt desert to use their high powered pistols to shoot lizards for lunch.

*Again, Cinema Insomnia makes good use of stock footage for their bumpers. Comforting midnight jazz & a moon filmed for some long ago tropical flick now shown in timelapse sliding across the night's horizon. Doing late night tv, right.

*Escape from the Planet of the Apes trailer. When the apes arrived here via space ship to the astonishment of the U.S. army. The Ancient Aliens tv show guy w/ the crazy hair... He looks like a Tim Burton concept sketch for his Apes failure of a movie.

*Graves visits a psychic detective w/ a Bigfoot plaster cast hidden in a suitcase. The quack guesses correctly. If it weren't obvious that Graves was fucking w/ the viewer, before, it should be now.

*Lobo tries to hypnotize a waitress into revealing whether or not she served Bigfoot a cup of Joe as one of her countless customers over the years.

*Trailer for the awesome looking stop motion 50s giant monster flick "The Black Scorpion."

*Lame & long winded joke interview w/ a 5th grade teacher about Bigfoot being his former student. Only gets funny w/ a short part about Bigfoot hitting puberty & being smelly.

*1940s looking safety film clip about numbskulls taking risks & turning into grotesque looking figures wearing scary as shit masks from that time period. I think the masks were supposed to make them look like comical fools, but to the modern eye it's ole timey uncanny valley horrifying.

*Lobo sits on a nice pier interviewing Bigfoot's awkward prom date who seems to never have gotten over that night. She claims Bigfoot had a tiny penis.

*Lobo talks w/ Bigfoot's former roommate in college. The hipster playing the part makes sure the shot is framed w/ a Buffy cast photo magazine, a Doctor Who laser disc or vinyl album, & his Superfriends cartoon t-shirt.

*A bunch of hippy investigators went out in the woods w/ tranquilizer guns & cameras to find evidence to force the scientific community to "take a more active role in the hunt for Bigfoot" according to Graves. Also according to Graves, they only came back w/ a handful of fecal matter & hair. Sounds about right. Hippies + or - Bigfoot = Hair + Shit.

either fair or folly for Peter Graves pseudo documentary, 3 stars for Cinema Insomnia's ads & bumpers, more than 2 1/2 stars Lobo, close to fair for the guests

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Chiller Theater Presents: Doctor Moreau's Happy Pills (youtube) *If only they'd invent a solution to everyday ills.* close to 2 1/2 stars

"Marc Maron Predicts the Future" (youtube) *Doomed, bored, & further restricted. Marc nailed it.* close to 3 stars

Rich Hall: Supermarket Sniglets --1983-- (youtube) *Made up words that should be in the dictionary. An early urban dictionary, but more cleverly absurd & stomachable & not awful slang related.* close to 3 stars

Bill Maher's "Religulous" *Take it on faith & do it because you've always done it, dammit.*

more than 2 1/2 stars

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