#chauncey: I'm here to arrest you

[snake-snack-stede]

honestly if I glanced over and saw chauncey rowing to my ship my first thought wouldn't be oh yeah the manslaughter. it would be omg not this again nigel where did your hair go I hallucinated you with hair before

[thetragicallynerdy]

wip wednesday - the die hard fic, continued

(AKA I'm writing Die Hard featuring Jim from OFMD as John McClane, Ed as Al Powell, but neither of them are cops. Also featuring the Badmintons as asshole cops.)

--

Staring up at the smoking building from the hood of his truck, Ed lifts the radio to his mouth and answers. “Yeah, Cowboy, I’m here. You alright?”

There’s a burst of laughter, followed by a hollow cough. “I’m fucking great, man.”

“You sure? That was a big fucking explosion, mate.” Big enough to take out an entire floor. He sure fucking hopes they weren’t near it.

More laughter. “Estoy bien, lo prometo. You remember those plastic explosives I told you about?”

Oh, fuck, they didn’t.

“Seemed like an appropriate time to use them,” Cowboy says, laughter breaking into a hoarse series of coughs. It’s a familiar sound, one he’s heard many times throughout his firefighting career – the sound of someone struggling to breathe because of smoke. Worry spikes. “Is the building on fire?”

A little bit. Not enough to put anyone on the thirtieth floor in danger, though.

“Nah. She’s gonna need a new paint job, though.”

“Eh, needed a facelift anyway.” Their voice goes serious. “Hey, muchacho, did I hit any cops with it?”

Ed shakes his head, makes his voice firm as he tucks his free hand around the hot chocolate thermos Stede sent with him. “Nope. You hit a few floors up. Looks like you took out the floor that the rockets were coming from.”

“Oh, thank fuck.”          

There’s a noise to the side. Ed looks up and sees Nigel and Chauncey Badminton storming towards him, both looking pissed as hell. “Incoming,” he mutters, setting the hot chocolate aside and sliding off the hood of his car.

“Is that them?” Nigel demands, gesturing at Ed’s radio. “Let me speak to them.”

“Hell no –“

But Nigel just swipes the receiver out of his hand, giving Ed the finger as he snarls into it. “You listen here - I don’t know who you think you are, but you just did millions of dollars in property damage. We don’t want, or need, your help. Do you understand me? Stop trying to help. Because of you, all of my officers down here are covered in glass –“

“Glass?” Cowboy cuts in. “Who gives a fuck about glass? Who the fuck is this? Put Ed back on, I’m not fucking talking to you.”

Ed doesn’t think he’s ever seen Nigel turn quite so red before. He’s normally bored, almost lazy in his command – but now he just looks pissed.

“This is Deputy Chief of Police Nigel Badminton,” Nigel says stiffly. “I’m the one in charge of this situation. Ed will no longer be your –“

“Oh, you’re in charge?” Cowboy laughs. “Did you tell that to the assholes in here? Because from where I’m sitting, it doesn’t look like you’re in charge of shit.”

Now Chauncey’s turning red, too. Ah, twins. He swipes the receiver from Nigel, sputters into it. “Listen here, you little shit –“

“Jesucristo, what the fuck is it with cops? Each and every one of you is a fucking shithead. Stop blabbering and put Ed back on!”

“When you get out of there, I’m arresting you,” Chauncey hisses. “You’re mine, you hear?”

Cowboy gives the tiredest laugh he’s ever heard in his fucking life. “Man, you think I’m making it out of here alive? Fuck off.”

Before Chauncey or Nigel can make it worse, Ed grabs the receiver, drags it out of his hand. He glares at them both, angrier than he’s been in decades.

“Get the fuck out of here,” he says, voice low. “Go run your little show.”

Nigel points a finger at him. “You find us if they tell you anything, or I’m arresting you too, Teach.”

“I already said I would. Go.”

They leave. It’s a fucking relief.

Ed hoists himself back onto the hood of his car, forces himself to breathe through the anger. “Cowboy? You alright?”

“Sí, sí, I’m fine,” they mutter back. “Real fucking glad I’ve got tons of support down there.”

“Hey. You have me,” he says firmly. “Me, and all the firefighters down here, we love you. We’re on your side. A bunch of the cops who aren’t assholes are rooting for you, too.”

He can’t imagine what it’s like. They’re alone, in a burning building, with half a dozen men or more trying to end their life. They’d called the cops looking for help, but now…

Ed feels like shit for calling in the forces. It was necessary, he knows it was, but if it ends with Cowboy being arrested for just trying to stay alive –

“Alright,” Cowboy says quietly. “Gracias.”

“Hang in there, mate,” Ed says softly, wishing he could fucking go in and help them. “Keep doing what you’re doing, and I’ll be here to help you when it’s all over.”

There’s a long exhale, then another rasping cough. “I’ll hold you to it.”

“Please do. And Cowboy ��� get yourself out of the fucking smoke, okay? It’ll fuck up your lungs real quick.”

“Sí, don’t worry.” There’s something warmer in their voice, and it’s a fucking relief to hear it. “I’m already on my way.”  

[ladyluscinia]

Pretty boring take on the whole deal between Izzy, Spanish Jackie, and Badminton to me is when people kind of imply it was an above board arrest of pirates on the Navy side.

Like - ok, first, I do have completely genuine and serious thoughts about the whole thing I alluded to here where Chauncey is acting as a person who wants revenge and not an agent of the empire and that accidentally screws him over on a narrative level (in a different way than being the empire would) by allowing everyone around to be people too. But beyond that...

This isn't a real arrest! It's a bunch of dirty cops doing an off the record meeting with mobsters in a warehouse! There's lots of fandom discussion on Izzy's deal with the devil but Chauncey did the same thing! Not much of a bitter deal for him if the extent of his sacrifice was having to enter Jackie's bar.

No, Chauncey is not operating with the full control of the situation and enforced power of the British Empire, and you can tell.

I mean, The Plan - prior to Edward and the Act of Grace - was for Chauncey to sail over, make a big show of arresting and interrogating all these pirates to confirm what he already knew (that Stede killed his brother), hold a sham trial to tell Stede dramatically that he was going to die, kill Stede, and then leave all the other pirates and the ship with Izzy, Ivan, and Fang entirely free to go about their business. (Like, they do this. No one on Stede's crew is even bound during the episode and none of them need an Act of Grace.) Izzy can be dumb sometimes, but it would be entirely new monumental levels of stupid to have no guarantees that this was going to happen beyond an Admiral's pinky promise, and even stupider on Chauncey's part not to immediately renege on this deal and arrest / kill every pirate on the ship. Unless he couldn't. And it becomes really fucking obvious that he couldn't once Edward gets caught too.

(If I'm going to speculate, that's probably what Spanish Jackie is bringing to this deal. She's negotiated with the Spanish Navy before. Presumably she has a way to ensure the Brits don't do something like just arrest everyone as soon as they have Stede - just like how Geraldo can safely head home from the Spanish ship despite apparently being an infamous gang member.)

Chauncey literally has Blackbeard in custody happily admitting to death penalty crimes and he's just announcing mid "trial" that Edward will be heading out with his First Mate on Stede's ship without any sort of punishment or supervision? And no one questions this at all? Yeah, no fucking way are the actual events of this day in any way official, nor do I buy that Chauncey did not already have his hands tied in some way making him just let Edward go. The "legal record" stuff is all just pageantry / falsifying evidence for the story later and everyone's in on it. Also why Stede's Act of Grace doesn't mean shit unless Edward signs too. This isn't a real arrest that Stede's legalese-ing his way out of. It's just Edward making a better offer (+ required narrative spin) to the other British officers than Jackie and Izzy did.

Somehow - and this is a comedy so we're going to waive the actual how - the only person whose fate was up in the air was Stede. Which works really well in terms of all the antagonists getting together to make an "enemy of my enemy" deal, and for Chauncey getting blinded and eventually screwed over by his quest for vengeance. If he'd done things officially, as a pirate hunter going after a pirate, then he wouldn't have had Edward and Stede's crew just hanging around in the peanut gallery to screw him over. Probably wouldn't have been doing this in an isolated spot in the middle of nowhere at all. But he made a deal instead, and sacrificed control of the situation for it.

Which is why I find it kind of lame and boring to read the situation like Chauncey did have the power to just do whatever he wanted, and instead simply chose to let everyone go and not screw over Izzy for giggles or weird antagonist solidarity. As if he had the opportunity to put "guy who executed fucking Blackbeard" on his list of accomplishments but wasn't feeling it that day, so might as well just release him.

This definitely throws a wrench in blaming Izzy for all the hypothetical stuff that could have gone wrong in a real arrest (and for stuff that didn't happen like "selling" Edward - a British citizen who can't just be sold to some guy by the Navy even if he was actually in custody), but it actually makes sense as a deal all these people would make instead of Izzy, Ivan, and Fang just strolling onto a ship with fingers crossed that arresting bonus pirates is not a priority today.