#chasing after supernatural entities that 100% can and will kill him. and then doing it again once they get a power buff

[muchmossymess]

lings the kind of guy you would think would be the first to die in a horror movie, but actually he just fucking. lucks out the entire time and is the only to make it out unscathed

[beauty-and-passion]

TMA - Chapters 91-100: Criminals, weirdos and one (1) wet cat

I said we were back and here we are, back again with ten more episodes.

This season started with a bang and I can’t wait to learn more, so let’s not waste too much time and jump right into it.

<< Main Masterlist <- Previous post

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MAG 91 - The Coming Storm

It’s Michael time! I mean, Michael Crew time! And he wants to talk about stuff! But only after dissing Jon too, because dissing Jon is apparently a hobby among these supernatural shits.

So I was right regarding Michael’s past: he’s the child struck by lightning and that event helped him “connect” to The Vast. And I love how he talked about it. Actually, I really like all the times humans talk about their connection with the supernatural entities: there’s always a mix of longing and reverence in their stories, they are always searching for that connection and, when they get it, they experience freedom and a deep sense of liberation. Michael literally searched among all the cursed Leitners to find the right one and get the exact kind of liberation he wanted.

And while doing it, he offers us more names! The Filth (which I don’t remember if I already saw before - and if I did, please help me remember), and the one he calls his “tormentor”: an “arcing branch of the Twisting Deceit”. What a fucking cool name <3

I also really like how Michael talks about this entity as a tormentor or a figure “chasing him”. It’s as if, after “marking” Michael with that scar, the entity kept searching him for years - and Michael chased the entity too, trying to find a way to bind it to the book.

Actually, that’s the part I don’t really understand. Why did Michael “bound his tormentor to the book”? What does that mean? Didn’t he bind “the tormentor” to himself? Jude told us that, if you kill yourself, you get closer to your god - and that’s what Michael did, right? But the book played a role too? Maybe I’m missing something.

So: Daisy woke up, went to the bar and ordered a coffee with a spoon of extra violence and a side dish of hitting Jon, because this season is apparently the “let’s beat Jon up” season. Thank god Basira was there to save his ass again, otherwise he would be a mush on the floor by now.

Shit, Daisy, calm your tits: it’s not Jon’s fault, and I’m not saying it because I’m biased. Can’t you see this man? He radiates the strongest wet cat energy ever, he's not the criminal mastermind here.

Elias, on the other hand…

Wait, what? What do you mean by “grab a spade”? Did you kill Michael, Daisy? My man Michael Crew just died?! What the fuck, Daisy, you can’t just kill characters like that! What about The Vast, now? Also, are we sure he really died? You know, there’s always a chance these little fuckers pop back alive and well.

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MAG 92 - Nothing Beside Remains

HOLY SHIT THAT WAS INSANE

*

Growing up means loving Elias

This MAG taught me something very important: that growing up means accepting and understanding what someone does right and even more what they do wrong. And this is why Elias is my favorite character now.

Look at him. Just look at this smug bastard. First, he calls the police because he knows Daisy is coming - and of course he knows, since he’s The Eye or its high priest or whatever. And once he gets his ass covered, he makes a statement (because it’s always feeding time for Mr. Eye), and casually comments it, by talking to Jon.

And here we can see Elias casually telling us that Jonah Magnus was also an Archivist or a servant of The Eye at least. Good to know that supernatural shit kept lurking around for centuries.

Look at this little shit. He’s The Eye (more or less) and he’s so satisfied because, for the first time, he experienced the influence of his own power on himself.

And you know what? I get the appeal. If I were a supernatural know-it-all who can compel others to talk, I would be curious to try that power on myself as well. Also, it works for the kind of supernatural god it is: since The Eye is characterized by endless love and search for knowledge, wanting to know how its own power feels sounds right up its alley.

Not only Elias is a smug bastard, but he’s relatable now. I am in love.

So:

Elias casually reconfirms he’s The Eye, since he’s the heart of the Institute and the institute is inextricably tied with The Eye.

That basically explains why Tim cannot leave. Since he became part of this “organism”, trying to leave would be like cutting an arm off: the organism survives, but the cut arm cannot. It dies. And that’s why Tim had to come back. I LOVE that there’s such a great explanation.

Elias fucked up everyone, all while hiring more people to work for him.

Elias fucked Daisy too and saved his ass exactly as he planned.

Elias is an insane bastard and I love him.

"Our master” what? You are The Eye, you little shit. Or maybe, since you’re, like, its embodiment on this planet, you are not exactly The Eye but like… a representation of it?

*

Melanie is my spirit animal

Melanie’s comments throughout the whole MAG have been peak. I loved everything, from her casually commenting “Uh… good?” after Jon told everyone Elias is going to confess his crimes, to her “Bloody hell!”, to her constant sense of confusion about everything.

I love her. So. Much. She just wanted a job and first she got weirdos as colleagues, then her boss admits he killed some people, then she finds out she’s stuck in that weird place because of some supernatural shit, then a police lady draws out a gun and all Melanie wanted was to just have a normal day and come back home all in one piece.

*

The Unknowing!

And now Elias gives us some answers! Okay, now I completely forgive him for killing Leitner. It was a dick move but hey, everyone has flaws and Elias is a clever, smug bastard, so he gets extra points and a free pass on a couple of killings.

So, the Unknowing is a ritual and it’s a way for The Stranger to change reality enough to make it closer to the place where it is.

You know what? That’s FUCKING COOL and I wish to see it. It would be insane and maybe destroy life in the universe, but it sounds so incredible!

Also, it kinda answers one of my previous thoughts, when I wondered about how those entities feel regarding our universe. Well, apparently one of them (aka The Stranger) likes it enough to try and make it its own. Now I wonder if we’ll get to know what other entities think about our world too.

*

Elias is everything

Oooh, so the war is between known and unknown. Well, that explains the two sides of the battle a little more: I get why one side is made of beings like The Dark, The Vast (aka part of the Twisted Deceit), The Distortion, the creepy dolls and so on. They’re all beings that thrive and are associated with the hidden and the unknown.

And now I get it why The Eye is on another side. But still don’t know who is could be on its side among the ones we know: maybe the Spider Gang? And what about the Lukas family? Do they stick around because of the connection between their ancestors and Jonah Magnus?

I am so excited, there are a ton of things I still need to know.

How could I even hate this man? He confessed he killed two people and yet, he got everything he wanted, he got new people attached to the Institute, he got his ass covered, he got his Archivist back and made him work on saving the world from the Unknowing. All of this in the span of 30 minutes more or less. What an icon.

And in the end, he casually tells Jon that hey, there’s no problem with form and notes, he will get everything covered in no time ;)

Also, “I have work to be getting on with”: oh, Elias, we all know it’s not true because you don’t work. You sit on your lazy ass all the time <3

I apologize for all the bad things I said about him in the past: I was young and naive and still didn’t know Elias is a little bitch. Now my eyes have been opened and all I can say is that I stan him and his insanity <3

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MAG 93 - Contaminant

So, the statement can be resumed as “Mouldy Entity took over Greg Russell” and I have no idea what the Mouldy Entity is - even though it reminds me of The Filth mentioned by Michael Crew, so… maybe they’re parts of the same?

What’s truly important here is the umpteenth mention of Breekon & Hope, our favorite delivery boys. And apparently, Jon is asking the same questions I am asking myself: are they part of The Stranger or a third, neutral party that just loves going around and moving stuff? Are they the Uber drivers of the supernatural entities?

But what really matters here is the conversation with Georgie, which can be resumed as follows:

Elias, by being the wonderful bitch he is, took the first people he found and gave them random roles they were not qualified for, just because they had the perfect psychological profile for his deeds.

Jon proved he knows nothing about his job and its requirements. But don’t worry, apparently no one does. The Magnus Archives are run by a bunch of desperates who have no idea what they’re doing and I love it.

Jon’s resume of the situation is: there are weird gods outside our universe and they push through in the form of monsters. And they choose people as avatars, who gain super abilities, but lose their own self. Yep, pretty accurate.

These gods are considered patrons by their avatars/servants. Again, pretty accurate, considering they are seen and described as entities who help, support, and give freedom to the people they choose.

The Stranger's servants want to perform a ritual meant to remake the world, by bringing it closer to their master. And since Jon has to stop it, he’s literally trying to save the world. Jon is our hero… and it’s because the bad guy gave him this role. Or is Elias a good guy now? Are there even “good” or “bad” guys? I love it when a story plays so much with common roles and concepts like good and bad.

What happened with The End? What did Death/The End ever do? Did it do something bad to Georgie? Please no, she seems such a sweetheart.

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MAG 94 - Dead Woman Walking

Clearly the dead woman was an avatar of The End or a smaller servant or whatever. And it’s really interesting how it affected Georgie: the idea that there’s no difference between present and future and everything is destined to end reminds me of the philosophy of presentism, a theory according to which the only existing events/objects are those that exist in the present. And yes, the importance, the weight of realizing how everything is destined to an end truly seems to hint at the importance and power of an entity that is literally called The End.

I also really like how this realization didn’t just affect Georgie in the short term: she got influenced by it, she recovered, but the effects are still here, in the form of an inability to fear anything anymore.

Understandable: once you realize that everything is destined to an end, there is no eternity after, the end is already here and it will always be part of everything... well, it makes said everything much less intimidating.

And yes, Georgie is right when she says she feels as if fear was stolen from her. Because can you really live and experience life, if you don’t feel any fear anymore?

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MAG 95 - Absent Without Leave

O-oh, a statement about an Italian guy! And he’s from Teramo, so he’s close to my city too! That’s cool :D

But even if the guy is close to me geographically, we’re separated by an abyss when it’s language time: “Sono andanti marcio” is exactly the kind of terrible, wannabe Italian only a shitty computer translator can produce XD

Mr. Sims, ask me next time: as it is now, this sentence means “They going rot”, which almost makes sense in English, but it makes zero sense in Italian :P A much better translation would be:

“Stanno marcendo” (they are still going rotten)

“Sono marciti” (they are already rotten)

Bad translation aside, this statement reminds me of something else, especially the introductory part, which seems to refer to the song “La guerra di Pietro” by Fabrizio De Andrè. This song is a beautiful poem and, even though it's hard to convey the same depth and beautiful musicality in another language, this translation on Genius.com is quite accurate. I also suggest listening to the original song here on YouTube, just to get an idea of why this is still one of the most beloved songs and why De Andrè is one of the greatest Italian artists (and one of my personal favorites).

Basira is productively spending her time! Is she a prisoner in the institute? No problem, the situation will change in the future, so it's much better to spend time gathering more info and doing something, rather than whining and protesting. Great mentality, I really like her.

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MAG 96 - Return to Sender

As soon as I heard the name “Alfred Breekon” I jolted: o-oh, will we listen to a statement from the boss of Breekon & Hope Deliveries? I’m ready for it.

Okay, despite being not particularly important, this statement was still quite interesting: first, we found out Hope isn’t a real person, but another name put on by the original owner of the company. Then, that our two favorite delivery boys were never hired. They just followed this plan:

appear one day

scare the shit out of Mr. Breekon

steal his name and truck

start delivering stuff everywhere

???

Profit, somehow

Cherry on top, this statement has been left for Jon by Elias, whose job is now to anticipate Jon’s next steps. What a bitch, I love him.

Okay, so now Jon and Daisy are a dynamic duo that goes around, beating the shit out of the avatars/servants (and occasionally killing them), to stop The Stranger and the Unknowing? I didn’t know I needed this in my life but it turns out I need this a lot. Please, more of Daisy radiating killing energy and Jon radiating wet cat energy together.

One last thing, as a personal reminder: one of the ingredients of this ritual is the oldest piece of taxidermy in the world, aka gorilla skin from Carthage. I hope to get all of these ingredients, I’m curious to see if I can deduce what happens during the Unknowing just by knowing them.

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MAG 97 - We All Ignore the Pit

I like that this statement’s title is an advice. The people who survived the most in this series are the ones who ignore everything, so yes, I will gladly ignore the pit with… whoever you are.

And so did Mr. Ellis. And he survived, thus proving my point: ignore the weird shit happening around you and you will come out alive. Unless the weird shit grows interest in you. In that case, you’re fucked.

The statement per se is weird and mysterious. I have no idea about this pit, even though the constant “earthy movements” reminded me of the supernatural meat. Also, who are the old lady and the guy with deep blue eyes? Are they important? Is Gertrude and someone else? No idea, but I’ll try to remember them.

Glad to know I’m not the only clueless one: Jon has no idea about what this statement means too. At least we’re together in this. Now, if only Elias would be so kind to give us more clues, it would be great.

But he’s also having so much fun, throwing bits of info… oh, I can’t stay mad at him, he can do as he pleases <3

OMG Nikola Orsinov paid Jon a visit! And she’s adorable, creepy and adorably creepy! I loved the aghast “No!” when Jon asked her if she wanted to kill him, only to be followed by “I mean, yes”. Ah, good old supernatural shits, always trying to kill Jon. Seriously, this season is the “Jon keeps asking if others want to kill him” season: that’s what he says most of the time!

Soooo… the gorilla skin is basically a ball dress? That’s hilarious. And Nikola wants to wear it when she “dances the world new”. The implications are beautifully terrifying and it keeps reminding me of Azathoth at the center of the universe, surrounded by endless dance and music.

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MAG 98 - Lights Out

Oh, some time with the other characters! Tim, it’s been an eternity since I saw you!

AAAnd this is why you're still great. I love Tim.

Sure, he’s 300% done and every time he appears, he’s more done than the last. And yes, he has “DEAD” written all over his face. But since he’s still alive for now, I will enjoy every second of him.

I love the meta of sentences like this, because I know Martin is talking to the recorder and, indirectly, to The Eye. But we can also see it as Martin scolding us, the listeners. We are like The Eye, hungrily listening to every private conversation these people have.

The statement per se is okay: we have another story regarding Maxwell Rayner, the ex avatar of The Dark. And we also get some sort of… physical form of The Dark, I suppose: a long, thin figure with an open mouth from which pours down an endless amount of black sand. Pretty cool, I like it - especially the sand detail and the associated sound. I can almost hear this soft hiss of the falling sand.

And then, just like every other woman in this series, Melanie too decides to wake up and choose violence. However, her violence comes with a side dish of stupid, so she decides to poison Elias. The magical know-it-all.

Bless her clumsy attempt, she's too precious <3 Even Elias knows it and forgives her: Melanie must be protected at all costs.

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MAG 99 - Dust to Dust

The statement per se is kinda useless: a weirdly magical sand associated maybe with the Spiral and Gertrude talking about The Hunt, The Buried and Jan Kilbride. No idea what those things are, but whatever.

What’s important is that Jon is sure Gertrude’s assistant is Michael. Okay, but which one? Micheal the Good Boyo or Michael Crew? I suppose Michael the Good Boyo, even though I cannot be sure - I suck at recognizing voices. Anyway, something happened to her assistant and he became an avatar. And Jon is clearly afraid something similar is gonna happen to his assistants too.

That’s very fascinating. Will they become avatars too? Elias is one already and Jon feels he’s becoming one too. But what about the others? Will Martin become an avatar? And Melanie? And Tim? Maybe I had the wrong impression about him and he won’t die, but become an avatar? Or maybe I was right, since you have to die to become an avatar.

This also explains Jon’s fears and why he’s trying so hard to escape from everyone else. Once again, his psychology and actions make sense, thanks to a clear, logic explanation.

And since Jon is a well-written character and he’s a clever guy not an idiot, he realizes what he's doing is wrong, he accepts Georgie’s advice and says he will try to stick with the others and help with “Elias’ new management style”.

The laugh I gave when I read this. The utter laugh. What does “new management style” even mean? Hiring random people was his old management style, so what's the new one? Actually doing something for once, instead of sitting on his ass 24/7? I love Elias, I want him as my boss too.

Holy shit the ending! Breekon and Hope literally kidnapped Jon, to bring him to the creepy puppet lady. And this reconfirms:

This is truly the “let’s beat up Jon” season

Jon is even more of a wet cat than ever

All the supernatural shits want to kill Jon

The puppet lady will come back in all of her creepiness and I can’t wait for it

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MAG 100 - I Guess You Had to be There

So that’s “Elias’ new management style”? Making everyone record statements? Well… why not? He hired these bunch of people not because they knew how to do their job - actually, no one knows how to run this place, not even the Head Archivist.

So, being the thoughtful boss he is, Elias decided that:

They should do the only job that matters, which is feeding time for Mr. Eye the archivist’s job

Everyone should do it, because that’s the most chaotically evil thing ever - and it makes me laugh

Everyone is being efficient all day, so Elias can sit on his ass and do nothing as always

The more time passes, the more I stan Elias.

So, let’s see these wonderful people who came to the Archives with their totally real stories:

*

Lynne, aka The MoneyGrabber: she went to the Institute just to get some money. The ghost story is probably just some stupid shit she dreamt and decided that hey, why not try and give it to these people? She can make easy money for that!

The idea could’ve worked, unfortunately the Magnus Archives is not the kind of agency she hoped for and all she got from her story was something like 20 cents for a coffee.

*

Mr. Smith, aka The Conspiracy Theorist: when he said the Government kidnapped his friend, I died on the spot and came back alive, just to laugh more.

I can bet my ass the true story was something like: Mr. Smith & partner tried to steal something, then his friend got rightfully arrested or got lost somewhere because they’re clearly a couple of idiots, so now he thinks it’s the Government’s fault, it’s “they”, it’s the New World Order, it's whatever, what’s important is that they’re hiding something from us, wake up people!

Unfortunately for Mr. Smith, the agency that could’ve helped him wasn’t the Magnus Institute, but a mental hospital.

*

Robin, aka The One Who Wants To Get Killed: Basira got tested and she got severely tested, because if I were her, I would’ve sent this guy away right after he started to ramble the first time.

He clearly has some death wish and his story was an attempt to get killed by Basira. Unfortunately for him, she didn't fall for that - even though the temptation was very strong. So she just sent him away to bore someone else to death.

*

Brian, aka The Fucked Up: but not because The Web & Spider Gang attacked him, oh no. It’s because there’s another goddamn Lukas, who did something weird to him.

And, wait, is he the same Peter Lukas mentioned long ago? Let me check.

*one check later*

Yes, he was mentioned in MAG 33, in the story about the supernatural fog! Wait, is the distorted sound associated with the same fog? Is that what he did with Brian? Did he stick this guy in the supernatural fog or something similar?

Also, I know the Lukas family is creepy, but I like this guy: he introduces himself with such a happy tone, he gives funny vibes. And he’s searching for Elias because I suppose they’re pals, so I hope he will be a funny guy - albeit creepy and scary and associated with some other supernatural shit.

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In conclusion

The more statements I read, the more this series becomes funnier.

The characters are amazing. I love every one of them, from Nikola Orsinov in all her creepiness, to this Peter Lukas filled with happy vibes. I want to know more, I want to see The Stranger and the Unknowing - and I want to know about Peter Lukas too. Is it finally time to learn more about this creepy family and the supernatural fog? Will we also learn more about Michael? Will Jon escape? Or will his friends come to save him? Will Elias ever stop being a chaotic bastard?

I hope not for the last one.

-> Next post

(How about a coffee? ☕)

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[jkl-fff]

would u rather be chased by jeff the killer, or chase jeff the killer only to find out u have a scarier entity chasing you? (the tom and jerry theory)

After some brief research into Jeff the Killer canon, I can confidently say, "HA!"

I would really rather have him chasing me, as it will end quickly and in my favor. Because apparently he's just a deranged 13-year-old boy with a knife. Average height of 5 feet, average weight of 100 pounds, absolutely no supernatural powers or combat training or anything that would actually empower him in a horror setting. Whereas I am big and burly (like, it's no exaggeration to say I'm fully capable of using the average 13-year-old boy for a warm-up set of bench presses), a blackbelt in Taekwondo, and more than a little blasé at the world's bullshit right now.

So here's how it's going to go: I'm going to do a gay, little run that pisses Jeff the Killer off.

But only just long enough to fulfill the requirements of being chased by him. Then I'm gonna suddenly throw what's called a back piercing kick when he's not expecting it that completely knocks him off his feet and demolishes any bones and organs in its way (this isn't me boasting; I've broken 5 boards with this very kick on multiple occasions).

(and this one's in a sparring match, not with intent to kill)

Then I'm gonna stamp on his neck, snapping it and killing him more-or-less instantly. Finally ending his reign of edgelord, creepypasta terror and finally giving him peace in death.

Thanks for the ask!

[tricktster]

the twilight series suddenly makes 100% more sense if you read them under a specific premise that, i contend, is heavily supported by the text:

Much like Amy’s diary in Gone Girl, the books in the Twilight Saga are verbatim reproductions of in-universe diary entries carefully and deliberately created and curated by badass unreliable narrator Bella Swan as a means to achieve immortality.

Prerequisite assumptions:

1) Bella actively and persistently wants to become a vampire, both diagetically and (I contend) non-diagetically. The average vampire novel format often fails to capture realistic human behavior in one highly specific area: the protagonists are frequently mortals who grapple with the choice of whether to become a vampire. This is stupid, because being a vampire would obviously be dope as hell; particularly in the Twilight Universe, where vampires are not required to take a human life to survive, and indeed, have the capacity to live full and rewarding lives while integrated* into the human community.

(*integrated-ish; see Assumption 6)

2. There are too many coincidences for Bella to have encountered the Cullens by sheer chance, only to be the ONE person that Edward can’t live without (due largely to the novelty factor of not being able to read her ding-dang thoughts.)

3. Diagetically, the Volturi don’t even know Bella’s psyonic gifts until New Moon, but we also know that the Volturi scour the globe for recruits to enlist into the protection of their governing body.

4. Nobody wants to be a voiceless cog in a bureaucracy.

5. Nobody, and especially nobody in high school, wants to be a high school student forever.

6. Vampires in twilight are, as a group, cartoonishly terrible at disguising their true nature.

7. Forks is a backwater town approximately 3.5 hours away from the biotech hub of Seattle.

7. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney can eat my farts and they deserve to be preserved in this snapshot of an innocent author’s mind slowly unraveling.

Proposed timeline:

In 1993, there is a key system meltdown at a improvised biohacking startup in Seattle, rendering all innovative genetic modification experiments into a puddle of brown sludge that nobody can figure out how to dispose of per Federal regs, since they don’t even know what it is.

The broke founder of the startup, who for the purposes of this timeline I will call Jeff Bezos because that’s who it was, eventually grows tired of all the discussion about what to do, and just pops it in a barrel, drives a few hours out of town, and dumps it in a pond.

Bella Swan, a small child, is hanging out at a park with her family friend Jacob Black (and a ton of his friends) when they all decide to wade in a slightly murky pond. Thereafter, they are transformed.

Bella grows up as a normal, highly powerful mutant with a +20 to deception checks and wisdom saves. She lives in Arizona, but up until 2002, summers in Forks. While in Forks, she picks up on the local lore about a family of vampires who don’t eat people.

Because Forks (population: 17 + Charlie’s mustache) is boring, Bella bones up on the only interesting thing about it, i.e. Vampire Hometown baybeeeee.

In 2000, George W. Bush gets elected president, and his evangelical politics and general bumbling ineptitude informs Bella’s opinions on authoritative governmental entities.

In 2001, the Cullens make their intention to move back to Forks known, but they take a while because they need to pack all their stupid graduation hats and volvos, etc.

Later in 2001, a psychic Volturi scout rolls through Forks to ensure that nobody within living memory recalls the Cullens, and notices an anomaly in the psychic field.

The scout goes to confront Bella about joining the Volturi, and Bella immediately clocks him as a vampire, because vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human. This leaves the scout in a bind: she’s too valuable to kill, but she’s a pre-teen, and therefore too young to be transformed per Volturi authority.

The scout warns her he’ll have to kill her if she discusses the existence of vampires with any human. He then tells her he’ll be back in five years, and begins to sweet talk her on how good life will be when she’s a vampire, beautiful, immortal, powerful, etc. Bella asks if she has to kill, and dude says “nah, actually there’s a bunch of vegetarian vampires who are moving back here soon. Fucking nerds, but otherwise they’re doing well.” Bella is all about becoming a vampire, because Bella is a rational actor.

Bella moves to Arizona, and as the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are unjustifiedly initiated, she recognizes that while she DOES want to be a vampire, she does NOT want to be a foot soldier in any war that she can’t support. She needs a plan.

In 2004, Bella is watching her step-dad’s minor league baseball game when it occurs to her. On her own, she’s a target for the Volturi, but if she had some people to watch her back, she might be okay. Of course, nobody fucks with the Volturi on behalf of some rando human. She’ll need to con her way into a coven who’ll have her back and also give her that +10 to constitution via vampiric transformation, which she desperately wants because she’s a rational actor. And where are the non-volturi vampires that might have her back? Fucking Forks.

Bella moves to Forks in 2004, and upon seeing the Cullens, she immediately clocks them as vampires even though they left their “we’re all vampires” booty shorts at home, because, as previously discussed, vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human.

Bella notes that all the vampires but one are paired off in heterosexual bliss, and takes note of the straggler as a potential vehicle to vampyrdom.

Bella figures out that Eddie can read everyone’s mind but hers, because Edward Cullen fucking sucks at looking/acting like a human who can’t read minds. Bella further observes that Eddie has a huge undead boner for her.

She’s found her mark. Now she just needs to convince him that she’s better off as part of the coven than on her own. Problem: Eddie’s a self-pitying insufferably guilt-striken perpetual adolescent who keeps himself busy by feeling sorry for himself because he’s a vampire, angst angst angst etc etc. Also, I think he’s Catholic, so add some more guilt in. She’ll have to win him over by convincing him that they’re destined to be soulmates.

What does a vampire used to having complete insight into everyone’s mind but his crush’s want? A method to know what she really thinks of him. Bella begins writing a “diary” knowing that there’s no way in hell Eddie won’t sneak in and read it. So she Gone Girls it, and begins to lay a trap to lure him in. That first diary? Twilight.

This was just in the movie but a stoner chases her around with a worm on a stick. Nothing to do with this theory, I just like that part of the movie. Where’s my spinoff about that guy?

Eddie won’t give Bella what she wants (eternal life) by the end of book 1, even though she asks him to EXTREMELY POLITELY. Time to hit the diary with some more promises of undying love.

Bella reconnects with her old friend Jacob and the rest of the Mutated By Jeff Bezos Boys. Alas, they cannot turn her into a physically powerful sexy immortal with a bite, so she’s still stuck with plan A) win over a whole family of vampires with big Mormon energy. It’s the long con.

Edward’s angst abruptly takes a swing towards terminal. He’s absolutely your classic sadboy, perhaps because Bella now has one (1) friend that he knows about.

When Eddie begins to drift away on account of Angst, Bella conjurs up a secondary love interest who, coincidentally, is ALSO a sexy supernatural entity, and is much less coincidentally just Jacob.

We should establish here that Edward is like a 107 year old white dude and so even though Diary!Bella pretends not to see it, Metatextual Frame Story!Bella knows that dude is super racist.

Jacob Black is three things: 1. Like Bella, a mutant (although one with shapeshifting abilities), 2.one of Bella’s oldest and most trusted confidants, and 3. down to clown on an elderly teenage vampire who keeps stereotyping him. Sure, says Jacob, I’ll take the form of a werewolf. He seriously thinks we’re all just beastmen, huh? Hey look at me now, I’m Regis Philbin because this is 2005 and Who Wants to be a Millionaire is still sort of relevant. Sick.

Edward does not like that Bella has one (1) other friend. Bella and Jacob plot to use this to their advantage and lure Edward back on the wings of jealousy.

Eddie gets himself into trouble on account of Angst and poor communication, so Bella has to go rescue him from himself/the Volturi.

Aro finally meets her and gets to test her powers, which impress him. Now she’s back on the fucking radar.

I forget everything that happens in Eclipse, so i have chosen to omit that part.

Eventually she extracts a quid pro quo from Eddie; i’ll marry you if you turn me into a dracula.

We don’t really call ourselves that, Wet Blanket Cullen replies, entirely earnestly.

Bella gets married at 18 in 2006, and Eddie starts to backtrack his promise about changing her. This won’t stand.

Well, look, he’s an elderly guilty catholic/mormon teen who probably still uses super racist terms, but she’s stuck on honeymoon island, he has certain angles that work for him, and seriously what are they gonna do but fuck? Bella’s alternative is listening to her “husband” drone on about his interests, which are almost certainly Car, How Do I Post a Minion Picture on Facebook, and Licorice Used To Be a Lot Cheaper in the Good Old Days.

Whoops a fetus.

Bella recognizes that she’s GOT to have this baby: time’s running out, and Bella knows that at least two of the Vamps in her coven will cut ties if she terminates or otherwise fails to carry this baby to term because of the conservative religious subtext. She’s going to have to stick it out for 9 months, even though it’s a risky call.

Bella gets what she wants after giving birth. “My time as a human is over, but I've never felt more alive. I was born to be a vampire.” That’s a direct quote. Except now she’s got a (pretty cute and easy) baby that she desperately wants to protect from Turning Into A Vaguely Religious Cullen Dressed Head To Toe In Cream Colored Wool.

Bella decides to fake her own death and escape with the kid and Jake so they can form i guess a detective agency. Bella will get “killed” by the Volturi, move to Sydney, and open up shop, and Jake will take the kid after her a few months later.

They’re gonna need a reason why Jake gets the kid though, and there’s only one reason to do anything amongst the Cullens: a heterosexual love interest with a super problematic age gap.

Jesus, Jake sighs, is Eddie really going to believe I’m in romantic love with your actual infant? Does he really think that little of me?

Yup.

Bella tries to draw the Volturi’s attention.

Works too well.

The Cullens call up all their vague acquaintances, who are at least kind of fun. Particularly that one dude who keeps getting angry about British conduct during the American Revolution.

Well, fuck, now the Volturi are bringing an army to fight their ragtag army of Vampires Who Are Cool And Interesting Enough That We Can Safely Presume They Are All Definitely Gay. Bella can’t let those guys die, they’re the first actually compelling vampires she’s ever talked to.

Bella saves the day because she’s OP.

All the Cool Vamps start packing up to leave and Bellz almost goes with them, but the Cullens would just keep sending missionaries after her if they knew.

Bella finishes her fourth journal with the vague warning that the Volturi are still out there somewhere and they miiiight just try and get her.

Two days later, she stages a scuffle and gets the fork out of Fucks. Her journals are the only clue.

Sirius Black and baby nessie follow once edward has stopped sobbing into his cream colored sweater and moved on to Extended Power Pouting.

Bella recruits her own army of fledglings.

Bella stages a coup against the Volturi and succeeds.

Bella sits on the iron throne with a hot lady vampire on each knee and they all kiss and stuff.

Nessie I guess forms a post punk band?

Edward dies from aspiration of a brussel sprout that he ate because he just wanted to feel something.

Charlie and Billy get married.

Charlie’s mustache develops a cult instagram following, providing them with a modest retirement income.

Jacob shapeshifts into Bill Murray and is always crashing weddings.

Bella’s stepdad is off in the B plot this whole time winning the world series with the help of a kooky angel.

There. Fixed. My soul is at rest.

[thebadchoicemachine]

Yall want some MYCT Magnus Archive Headcanons I may or may not draw? (Pt 1?)

I will try to include individual trigger warnings at the beginning of each explanation as much as I can think of. They may seem a little overboard but better safe than sorry. Remember, TMA is a horror podcast. 

(ALSO, EVERYTHING HERE IS /RP. EVEN WHEN I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT A ROLEPLAY VIDEO PLEASE KNOW I’M MAKING UP A CHARACTER BASED OFF THEIR CHANNEL AND AM NOT ACTUALLY ACCUSING THEM OF BEING A SERVANT TO A MALEVOLENT FEAR ENTITY.)

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Philza 

1. An End Avatar (TW, Numb/Apathetic Mindset)

He’s a reaper. An immortal. You only live once but life’s become, not meaningless, more like desaturated. He doesn’t care in a cheery “oh well” way. He’s pretty chill about it. He’s extremely chill about it. He is disturbingly chill about it. At first it seems great, he’s just a nice chill guy! No evil schemes or vicious plots. Just spending time with him seems to calm your nerves. And then you spend more time and you begin to understand why, things aren’t as important as you make them seem. You catastrophize a lot. Then a catastrophe happens and you’re not... upset. Why... why would you be? It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. It won’t in a hundred years and it doesn’t now. would end the same anyways. And then he starts to be less and less relatable. Why is he so happy? Why does he bother to go meet people and smile and eat or laugh or frown. You can’t belive you ever complained that he was so mild about everything, any amount is more than is worth. Why bother? Why... bother...

2. A Vast Avatar (TW, Heights?)

He just fucking tosses people into the sky instead of being upset with them. Do anything he doesn’t like? SWOOSH. It’s to the point it’s not even a malicious thing, it’s just routine. He gets up, goes to the store, picks up some groceries, sends a person who cut in line to a void of dusk with swirling black clouds where you fall so long you can’t tell if you’re flying up or down or left or right, maybe gets some mints, goes home, puts groceries away, does the dishes, etc. 

(the rest of the cast below the cut)

Tubbo

1. A Corruption Avatar (TW, Body Horror Surrounding Lungs, Swarming Insects, Implied Murder.) 

He has bees in his lungs and he loves them very much. If he ever gets something stuck in his throat or has water go down the wrong pipe he will FEAK OUT. He often has to cough up honey (and sometimes bees). It’s... a process. He just sits over a bucket or jar and hacks his little heart out. He sometimes saves the honey and offers it to people. Amazingly, his friends never take him up on the offer. Unsuspecting people who don’t know the.. supernatural origin of the honey find they have some... unpleasant side effects. (Bees. The side effect is bees. Specifically ones trying to fly down their throat.) Oh well, being a part of a hive isn’t for everyone. The really unfortunate ones make good fertilizer for his flowers, though! His lungs are literally a hive. If you tried to listen to his heartbeat you’d hear buzzing. He will sometimes hold flowers over his open mouth to let the bees get some easy pollon. He doesn’t usually actively seek out “prey” but when he is trying to feed on that good old fear he’ll act super sweet, too sweet, and then open his mouth and let the bees fly out. It’s very creepy but to him it’s just funny. (Also, all of the bees have names and he has a funeral for every single one that get’s killed.)

Quackity

1. A Spiral Avatar

I- I mean have you seen a single one of his videos?

2. A Stranger Avatar (TW, Unreality Depersonalization )

He mocks people as their own reflection, hopping from pond to mirror to camera to scream at them (sometimes literally) that they do not know who they are. It starts off subtle (Wasn’t your hair a bit longer? Weren’t your eyes a shade lighter? Did you always have that birthmark?”) but grows and changes until it gets to the point you stand in front of a mirror and every time you blink you look completely different. You feel your face, you look at your hands, but it’s no help. They change too fast. Your pictures change too, every single post on all your social media looks like different people posted it- wait... did you always have this platform? You don’t remember ever using it before. You have so many posts... none of them match up. You throw your phone away, noticing you never had the case on it. You turn to real photos for help but they are none. Of course not. You feel like just giving up as you shuffle through photo after photo, you don’t know what you really look like, so what? But then something catches your eye. A photo of you in the 5th grade concert. You don’t remember going to that school. You’ve never played an instrument, have you? Something screams yes and no at the same time. You throw the box down and grab your phone. You need to call someone. You pace throughout a house you recognize less and less searching for clues, reminders, as the phone rings. Your best friend answers. You throw the phone down again. You don’t have a best friend. You’ve never really been one for friends. No, that’s not true, you had a few really good ones but you’ve grown apart. No, that’s not true, you only have one real friend, your boyfriend. No, you don’t have a boyfriend, just a close friend. No, you have many friends just none that are close enough for this bullshit. You stop. No. No you don’t like swearing, do you? Do you? Who are you? Who are you? Your reflection laughs. It’s eating popcorn and making you do a stupid dance. What a bitch.

3. A Flesh Avatar (TW, Body Horror Surrounding Faces and Skin)

You’re a piece of meat, he’s a piece of meat, everyone’s meat. Like Chicken Nuggets.He’ll steal your face right off it’s skull and dance with one in each hand. He’ll put words in your mouth like you’re a puppet with bones. He’ll make you say the dumbest shit because it’s funny. Even when it’s obviously not YOU talking. 

Technoblade 

1.  A Hunt Avatar (TW, Stalking/Genocide) 

Many people have suggested a slaughter avatar but I don’t see it. Yeah, he kills (blood for the blood god and all that) but I don’t see it. The Slaughter is about the moment. The unplanned snap. The sudden outbursts. I don’t see that in techno. You know what I DO see that also involves quite a bit of bloodlust? The chase. The planning, the target, the unstoppable dread and panic that overtakes his victims once they realize who is after them. The power. Calculated genocide of victim after victim. The HUNT. My two pain points of evidence: His potato war videos, that time he took over the world, and his stalking speech to Quackity. Go watch an animatic of Technoblade chasing down Quackity and tell me he is not a Hunt Avatar. 

Wilbur

1. A Desolation Avatar (TW, Abuse/Torture)

Everything he touches burns and hurts. Sometimes it’s on purpose, sometimes on accident, but either way he’s caught up in enjoying the drama. I’m gonna be honest, my main inspiration was the Villainbur aesthetic but the more I thought about it the more it made sense. Look at nearly any of his 100 player videos; designed to create maximum pain for hs enjoyment. Even the Dream SMP where he was mostly a good guy and more tragic than anything else fits. Maybe that Villain Arc was his first dabble as an avatar of destruction and pain. Even making his own father kill him could have been along the lines of “how can I milk as much despair out of this as possible.”

TommyInnit

1. A Slaughter Avatar (TW, Straight Up Murder)

Now HERE is a character right up that slaughter’s alley. No thoughts, not plans, just unbridled passion and rage and violence. He just stabs people whenever he feels like it (which is often) sometimes just with sticks. Like a rabid raccoon just jumps straight at people’s faces out of nowhere, always starting shit and stoking fires to make people angry at each other. 

2. A Buried Avatar (TW, small tight spaces)

Tunnels and caves and sticks and spots. He’ll burry you under a mountain, he’ll lock you in a tree. Dirt man. His usual MO is trapping people under an avalanche of stones and rocks and rubble. Basically just lava casting your bones. Everything he makes is ugly but not just in a ”that’s literally a pile of rocks in the middle of the road” way in a bit of an indescribable “looking at that makes me feel like I’m breathing in straight gravel.” 

Bonus: Ranboo as a Dark Avatar/Victim. He is not a willing avatar like Jude or Helen, he’s more along the lines of Oliver and Jon.