#charlie the CHEESE connoisseur

[iasips8]

mk for me

gangs cutie marks (my version)

dennis: lipstick

dee: laughing emoji (or could be crying)

mac: dumbbell (i cant choose i might change it)

charlie: cheese

frank: moneybag

this makes sense to me no further questions

[livelaughlovefootball]

So I asked my sibling, @shit-garbage , who knows absolutely nothing about Formula One, to explain some of the drivers on the grid to me.

"buck but all his buddies call him pussy lips"

"he really likes cheese, i mean look at him. one real cheese connoisseur. hes traveled the world, set on a mission to try all cheeses. born into a rich family and people dont like him cause of it, because hes a spoiled little bitch"

"spoiled cheese bitch"

"my god"

"hes pussy lip's dumb friend"

"he hangs around to make pussy lips look better"

"because pussy lips makes a fool of himself. but this guy? hes like the loveable but dumb best friend. he makes pussy lips look smart"

"he doesnt get along with his father"

"harold."

"hes the gay one"

"i know him"

"you like him. the sports girlies like him too. they make yaoi of him. thats charles"

Bonus, afterwards, "wait, that was charles, right?"

"charles hunk boyfriend"

"he lifts"

"💪💪💪"

"uhh idk his name's riley, he used to have a mohawk in his younger days. he was a punk rocker"

"he liked black flag"

"his head looks like a sodding tic tac"

"his friends call him thimble. theyre like haha thimble you're the best"

"hes like the designated younger brother. they leave him behind when he ties his shoes. but they love him"

"he looks so familiar. he's giving me deja vu one second"

"his name is paul. hes named after paul mccartney. his mom liked the beatles. he really likes those rice cake things. he was bullied in school but now he gets all the girls"

"this is the first dude whos looked approachable. how many of these dude are you showing me?"

"his names leonardo. fun loving guy who takes walks on the beach with his girlfriend. really likes sour gummy worms and hawaiian shirts if you know what im getting at. he loves playing angry birds"

"this one's a little bitch"

"he played one of the mean kids in his middle school charlie and the chocolate factory play and it shaped him forever"

"his names probably brady. his friends call him brad though cause he thinks it's cool and he wants to be brad pitt. aggressively american"

@mclarensangels also did this with their sibling. I found it hilarious, so I decided to do it with mine, so thank you for the great idea 😭😭

[cemeterygrace]

yeehaw motherfuckers

I SAW DAN AND PHIL I’M NEVER GONNA SHUT UP ABOUT THIS

name: noa

age: 18

pronouns: any and all. whatever floats your boat. heck, make up some new ones.

gender: formless blob idc

sexuality: humans are neat 🤷

relationship status: dating @ghastguy77

i run @phan-resources.

member of the grape medicine haters cult

if you’re here for a specific fandom, i’m sorry for your loss

asks are always open just don’t be gross

feel free to tag me and message me anytime!

i yap so the rest is under the read more!

fandoms: there’s a lot so have a list (or multiple)

music (these are all apple music links i’m sorry)

mcr

fall out boy

twenty one pilots

muna

boygenius

against me!

something corporate

ball park music

bears in trees

bleach lab

catfish and the bottlemen

chappell roan

dead sara

ethel cain

ezra furman

flor

idkhow

linkin park

judah and the lion

the killers

ls dunes

laura jane grace

nxdia

paramore

pavement

rostam

semler

sophian

sophie

waterparks

the young veins

other

dan and phil (my wives)

f1

daniel thrasher

nate bargatze

kim stanley robinson

brandon sanderson

charlie jane anders

markiplier

unus annus

jacksepticeye

nerdforge

f1

mclaren and red bull baybee

other stuff

i’m an mcr5 truther

i’m a no but seriously imagine it truther (and it happened what the fuck)

i am a specialty root beer connoisseur (abita root beer hell yeah)

i’m on the hunt for the best fettuccine alfredo ever send me recs

i’m a freshman history major

i am a band kid do with that what you will

i have a dog she’s a mini englishdoodle named piper and she’s precious

i am a lactose intolerant cheese enjoyer

i have hella disabilities/chronic illnesses/diseases it’s a Time™️

i am a midwestern hoe

i play cymbals in marching band

instruments i play because this post needs another list

piano

flute

bass guitar

drums

mallet percussion

cymbals

violin

saxophone (a bit)

disabilities and such

juvenile idiopathic polyarticular arthritis (they can’t agree on a fucking name)

adhd (primarily inattentive type)

enthesitis

scheuermann’s disease

extreme hypermobility

lactose intolerant af

my tags!

damn you’re all the way down here? neat! good job for reading all of that lmao <3 as a treat here are some fun facts

i have entirely too many books in my room send help they’ve taken over

going to tit tour and went to clancy minneapolis!

i am a minnesota bitch what about it

i had chai and ube ice cream once and it was absolutely life changing

i’ve been to 30 states if we’re counting washington dc

i’ve been to 6 countries including the 3 main north american ones (america cause i live there, canada, and mexico)

i’ve been at the summit of the second tallest mountain east of the mississippi (mount washington)

tysm for reading you’re my favorite <3

dni: fascists, shitheads and bigots, israel supporters, terfs, ableists, etc. if you’re a dick about other people existing, this ain’t the place for you.

[questionthedompler]

charlie i’m not gonna lie i am madly in love with you but i gotta know. do you like cheese IF SO what kind

...allan is that you

look man im not interested and its really weird that youre telling me this like this look im flattered and everything but thingsve been too weird between us any way youre not even my type you shoulda got the hint when i didnt like you sucking on my nose

sorry man

but any way onto the topic of cheese im not a connoisseur of cheese like you man i dont know i like the ones with holes on them cuz you van slap it down on a book and get weird cryptic shit from what words show through the cheese holes thats pretty fun

[tastygifts]

GIFT HAMPERS FOR GRAND CELEBRATION: TOKEN OF LOVE FOR ALL OCCASSIONS

The more the merrier!

 Who doesn't enjoy gifts, especially when they come in the form of a hamper loaded with a variety of items?

 Gift hampers are a great way to stand out in an age where everyone is trying to find the unique gift ideas on any occasion, be it for an Easter hamper or a Christmas gift. When it comes to formal and corporate gift-giving, gift hampers or a chocolate bouquet Perth occupy an exclusive position.

 Indeed, be it official or personal gifts, quantity over quality overpowers, and this is what you should consider when thinking about gift hampers. Gift hampers are efficient and stunning throughout the holiday season or at any event, as well as a way to express gratefulness and affection. 

 Wonder why gift hampers are a win-win? 

A hamper can contain a wide variety of     delicacies, which adds to the pleasure of receiving a present. In fact,     you are giving the other person the opportunity to try new     flavours which they always wanted to but could not. 

Gift hampers are a fine way to show     someone you care by gifting according to their taste.

A well-thought-out gift basket will     have something for everyone and can re-gift what's not their choice. 

You get the space to be creative in     incorporating your brand into the present and keeping it engaging, and     impressive every time.

A gift hamper, when chosen well, will     complement one's aesthetics within your allocated expenses. 

 With the wide range of gift hamper options by Tasty Gifts, you dream and it is at your doorstep. Here are some great hamper and outstanding choices for you to consider.

 The Vegan Hamper

A perfect gift basket for the Vegan around you who wants to prevent animal suffering and contribute to a more sustainable environment. 

This hamper contains the following items: For the ideal essence, combine Yalumba Riesling, Ogilvie & Co. Roast Nuts, Ogilvie & Co. Garlic Nibbles, Tasmanian Devilicious Vegan Fudge, and Bloomsberry Vegan Dark Chocolate.

 Red Wine Timeout Hamper

Perfect for a couple searching for a time away from reality but still embracing the spirit of life.

Morgan's Bay Cabernet Merlot with Wine glasses, Ogilvie & Co. roasted almonds, and Flying Swan nougat are included in this hamper.

 White Wine Timeout Hamper

A perfect present for the getaway from the real world that every couple deserves.

This hamper includes Morgan's Bay Semillon Sauvignon Blanc with wine glasses, Ogilvie & Co. roasted almonds, and Flying Swan nougat to round it up.

 Yellowglen Pink Pamper Her Hamper

Looking for a gift to portray your care and pamper them with love?  The ideal approach to spoil that important someone in your life.

This hamper contains the following items: Yellowglen Pink Piccolo and Champagne glass, roasted almonds from Ogilvie & Co., and Flying Swan nougat complement the fragrant tealight candles and Pink milk chocolate hearts.

 Crown Lager Pamper Him Hamper

Are you looking for a beer-themed gift basket? This is your sign to select this hamper and brighten a beer lover's day.

This hamper includes a bottle of Crown Lager, a beer glass, Wicked Almonds roasted nuts, and dark chocolate medallions to make it a full gift.

 Crown Bucket Gift Hamper

Do you know what tops the list when it comes to spoiling a beer enthusiast or making someone fall in love with beer?

A tiny gold keepsake bucket containing two Crown lagers, Ogilvie & Co. roasted nuts and Ferrero Rocher chocolates.

 Christmas Wishes Gift Hamper

Christmas is around the corner? Light up someone's world with the ideal Christmas presents for the entire family, complete with something sweet and savoury for everyone. 

The Christmas Wishes hamper consists of Morgan’s Bay Cabernet Merlot, Gingin Jam, Ogilvie & Co. Garlic Nibbles, Charlie’s Cookies Gingerbread Trees, Ogilvie & Co. Orange and Cointreau Cake, Bigwig Jerk Co. Beef Jerky, Bellaberry Milk Chocolate Block, ​Flying Swan Soft Nougat and Christmas Candy Canes. 

 Wine Treats Gift Hamper

The wine connoisseur in your life deserves to be showered with love in the form of a gift basket. Get a Morgan's Bay Cabernet Merlot and a Morgan's Bay Semillon Sauvignon Blanc packaged in a black faux leather wine carrier for them and make them happier than ever. 

 Midi International Beers Gift Hamper

There is never enough beer for a beer enthusiast. Why not give them a selection of international beers and allow them to experience flavours from all around the world?

The Midi International Beers hamper includes four different international beers as well as Bigwig Jerky Co. Beef Jerky and Dark chocolate medallions.

 Large International Beers Gift Hamper

Life is better with a beer bottle in hand for a beer enthusiast. Time to break the limits and get a bigger package. 

The Large International Beers hamper includes six international beers, Bigwig Jerky Co. beef jerky, Wicked Nuts roasted nuts, a jar of Ogilvie &Co. antipasto olives, 180g Darrell Lea Rocklea Road, and Kettle Taste Sensations chips.

  Cheeseboard Gift Hamper

On a drinking night, who doesn't like a little entertainment? This is the perfect starter pack for the ideal entertainer, with just the right amount of cheese.

The Cheeseboard hamper includes a cheeseboard (shapes will vary, definitely!), a bottle of Morgan's Bay Cabernet Merlot, a bag of Ogilvie & Co. Garlic Nibbles, a jar of Ogilvie & Co. Roasted Cashews, and another jar of Ogilvie & Co. Roasted Peanuts.

 Beers of the Month Gift Hamper

The perfect gesture of appreciation doesn't exis- 

The Beers of the Month hamper, which includes 6 Beers of the Month, Bigwig Jerky Co. Beef Jerky, and Darrell Lea Rocklea Road Original is your saviour for appreciating and showering love on that someone special in your life.

 Spoil Her Ferrero Rocher & Wolf Blass Gift Hamper

That little extra mile always counts. 

Tell her she is the one with the perfect gift hamper filled with a Wolf Blass Bilyara Sparkling NV wrapped in the arms of Ferrero Rocher chocolates surrounded by pink and gold cello in a pink leather look keepsake tub.

 Chocolate Indulgence Gift Hamper

A little extra indulgence never hurts. 

Let someone experience the gift of love with a bottle of Wolf Blass Bilyara sparkling brut NV surrounded by 12 Lindt chocolate balls encased in a large red keepsake metal bucket.

 Gourmet Bubbles Gift Hamper

An extravagant bunch of goodies with their favourite drink is the best way to sweep someone off their feet and there is nothing better than the Gourmet Bubbles Gift Hamper. 

Pick the Morgan's Bay Sparkling Bay Cuvee surrounded by the Ogilvie & Co. Garlic Nibbles, Ogilvie & Co. Butter Shortbread Biscuits, Ogilvie & Co. Roasted Cashews, Ogilvie & Co. Honey Roasted Peanuts and Flying Swan Nougat Bar wrapped up in a keepsake stainless steel champagne ice bucket.

 What are you waiting for? 

Seize the day with the perfect and beautiful gift hamper once and for all. Tasty Gifts is a hamper emporium for any occasion and stands out with a diverse variety of anniversary gifts, Mother's Day hampers, wedding anniversary gifts, engagement gifts, and so much more.

[lhaze13]

Traveling While Gluten (and dairy) Free: London

This will hopefully be the start of a usual travel/food segment. Being gluten and dairy free (due to intolerances) can and has made eating while traveling a tad frustrating - to say the least. I will say, I have yet to find a place that allows me the freedom to just stumble upon food that works for me (maybe there are more places and I am just not equipped to deal with the uncertainty). It isn’t ideal to have to plan at least most meals instead of being able to do things on a whim, my plans have to be… planned. London, with scheduling, proved to be overall very gluten and dairy free friendly or accommodating, and the places we went all seemed to have knowledgeable staff. Without further ado let’s get into the restaurants.

Leggaro

This dedicated gluten free Italian restaurant was great! To start I had a taste of the Homemade Bruschetta Trio, just the cherry tomato one (although one of the others were also dairy free). It was tasty but nothing too exciting. For my actual appetizer I ordered the lamb meatballs. Best decision I made that night! Not only was it cooked perfectly but the flavors were, honestly, amazing. My father and I were addicted. I could’ve ordered a bunch of those for my meal and been more than content. For the table we ordered Pinot Blush Rosé, we went through a few bottles - I am a pretty big rosé fan. For the main course most of us ordered the Tomato Pappardelle with Bolognese. The handmade pasta was delicious! I had never had handmade gluten free pasta before so this was a delightful experience. Finished off with (unfortunately struggling to find the official name) a truffle chocolate tasting. Honestly, they were mediocre compared to the otherwise wonderful meal I had. Overall I recommend it - do yourself a favor and get the lamb meatballs!

Niche

Another dedicated gluten free facility. There is something so freeing about not having to worry about cross-contamination. Side note - as I was checking their menu for reminders on what I ordered, I realized they also have a low-fodmap menu! I will include a link to my video about my struggles with SIBO and when I was on the low-fodmap diet (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJFZPWjCTDA&t=54s). Anyway, for an appetizer we ordered bruschetta which I remember being a larger portion than expected - which was fine since we were sharing; nothing crazy but was a nice start to our meal. For my main course I had the Beer-braised Short Rib. Once I read that the meat was fresh from the butcher down the street I was sold. It was so juicy and absolutely hit the spot - I could not recommend it more! Somehow I still managed to have room for dessert; fairly certain we all have a separate dessert stomach which would explain so much. I had the Dark Chocolate and Orange Ganache. LOVED IT! I’m a big orange and chocolate flavor combo fan and this did not disappoint. Other members of my family had the Tiramisu which they were not too happy with unfortunately. Otherwise, I highly recommend Niche for all your courses. Should also mention that the staff was hysterical, warm, and added to the fabulous time we had.

Indigo at One Aldwych

This one was a bit of a splurge! We went to Indigo for their afternoon tea (what would a trip to London be without afternoon tea?). Make sure to book well in advance if you have allergies as they even stipulate on their site that they can accommodate anyone with enough notice! My only real disappointment was that this afternoon tea did not come out on those tri-layer displays - obviously this is just me being nit picky in terms of aesthetic expectations. We each ordered tea - I had the Lemon Sherbet which really needed a sugar cube or two - which I added. As we sipped and enjoyed the comfort of the tea, we had time to just relax and take in each other’s company before our first course. For the savories I had the Smoked Salmon and Chive Quiche. Turned out to be a tad dry but tasty, still surprised it wasn’t crumbly without cheese or something extra to help hold it together. As a table we all agreed that the Coronation Chicken mini sandwiches were hands down best bite of food we had at this tea (we ended up ordering more of them). There was a roasted pepper sandwich , though I am failing to remember what else was in it, the one bite was all I really wanted of it. The beet wrap would have been better if they either balanced out the beets with something else or packed the wrap a bit less because all you got was a strong beet taste (and I eat beets). The Scones with Bacon and Toffee Jam were unlike anything I’d ever had - and I happily ordered another tray of them as well. Then it was time for wha we all had been waiting for, the very extravagant Charlie and The Chocolate Factory inspired sweets. The pictured treats explains for itself why we are here (for the experience). Loompaland Lemon Floss (AKA cotton candy for us simpletons) was way too lemony for my pallet and was nicer to look at than eat. I shot back the Banana and Chocolate Milkshake which didn’t taste anything like banana for me and seemed more like watered down chocolate. My family said their’s was too banana-y so I am wondering if the dairy vs dairy free versions were very different for this dessert. While I was looking forward to the Chocolate Cacao Bean Financiers they were dry and pretty flavorless. Similar in appearance to a strawberry shortcake was the Whipped Strawberry Mess which was pretty good, nothing insane and I honestly could only stomach a few bites, may have been due to the flavor being too artificial or sweet - granted, my father devoured his happily. My favorite items were the Violet Lemon Cake, which was so delicious and not too heavy but still left me content, Cream Chocolate and Orange Mousse (seems to be a sage bet for me apparently), and yet again the scones with jam, while appearing to be innocuous and not special on paper were still a delight. With all that being said - if you are looking for the tastiest meal you’ve ever had then I can’t recommend Indigo, but if you are here for the experience (as we were) then don’t shy away from the fun and enjoy the moment with those closest to you.

Hobson’s

For a truly tasty and fried meal I highly recommend checking out Hobson’s Fish & Chips. I had the fried cod while my family members all had the haddock. All of the fish came out nice and flaky, cooked perfectly, and were healthy portions. To add to the fried indulgence my sister and I split an order of fries and onion rings! I don’t know the last time I had onion rings before this, needless to say I was in heaven. The batter was addicting and everything was still somehow flavored individually and did not feel like the batter overpowered the meal, but was a nice compliment. I was so full by the end of it that I had to take a decent amount of the fries and onion rings home to finish, they were a pretty nice snack the following day.

Bella Italia

Bella Italia was not planned like the other meals and was found by googling gluten free restaurant options in the area, glad it worked out for what we needed but of all the meals we had it was the least exciting and was more like checking a box than being noteworthy. For some reason I ordered Sicilian Olives as a “while you wait” (almost like a bread basket substitute)- there were way too many for one individual to have, even an olive connoisseur would have felt an olive overload. Then, instead of having a full meal I only found myself hungry enough for a starter. The adult in me then ordered Sweet & Sour Chick Wings which hit the spot and were exactly what I had been craving. So while this was by no means the most extravagant meal we had if you are in a pinch and need to find a place that can accommodate allergies then check out Bella Italia, it’s a chain so you should also luck out in finding a location near you as well (making it the most convenient of the ones on this list).

Beyond Bread

Unlike the other items on this list we did not sit down to eat here and just picked up food options for breakfast and to make sandwiches for days where we were out for a while (I.e. our 11 hour bus tour). However, it is important to note that it is a dedicated gluten free bakery! I had their blueberry and chocolate muffins most mornings and we purchased a few giant rolls of sourdough bread for the longer days. I was happy with everything I ate from there, my only regret is not having purchased more things to try!

[supercultshow]

Drunken Wu Tang

Howdy all you Supercultists out there on the interwebz! I’m Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in “Purposeful Mayhem” with a minor in “Watermelon Monsters”) and I’ll be posting my hype-tacular speeches every week along with some long lost speeches from past Supercult Shows!

This week Supercult just stares in bafflement at the thing that is Drunken Wu Tang!

Here as Supercult we spend a lot of time watching bad movies, but an equal amount of time debating what constitutes “Bad”. The phrase “So Bad It’s Good” gets bandied around a lot as a distinguishing feature of the films we prefer, but we have also never been shy about watching movies simply because they fit a theme. We will, for example, watch anything that involves certain actors or directors such as Arnold Schwarzenegger, Michael Bay, John Woo, or Jean Claude Van Damme, and we tend to gravitate towards 1980s action and sci-fi flicks. We will sometimes dip our toes into foreign films or other genres like comedy or horror, but usually we do so because the films in question have awful in their DNA (often in the dubbing, the horrible jokes, or a horrible premise) rather than have awful thrust upon them through circumstance, execution, or acts of bad movie fate. Every now and then though we find a film that defies our formulas and demands our attention. A movie that is simultaneously bad and good, simultaneously poorly made and expertly executed, doomed to the bargain bin but destined for cult movie fame. Taoism Drunkard, aka Shaolin Drunkard, aka Drunken Wu-Tang literally blew my tiny, fragile mind, people. I have no words to explain the insanity that we saw and the emotions it filled me with, and yet I’m going to continue saying words until I am satisfied that you are satisfactorily hyped for this film.

“I’ll swalla yer soul I’ll swalla yer soul!” -The Watermelon Monster

More movies should have crazy anime movie posters.

This VHS box knows who the real star of the show is.

My secret weapon is a ball that has balls!

My Favorite Martian, Kung Fu female edition.

My name is Rat Face! Can you guess why?

This is a Kung Fu Movie but it’s mostly about trust falls.

The Bad movie report gives a good explanation of this phenomenon:

The Bad Movie, as I have stated before in my Philosophy rant, represents the best-laid dreams and plans of someone gone terribly, terribly wrong – these are your Robot Monsters, your Plan 9’s, your Astro-Zombies. But there are other kinds, those that exude a delicious, creamy cheese filling by their own design, yet are very well-made (From Dusk ‘Till Dawn, Evil Dead II), and those that go beyond bad and should have been used as mulch (I Drink Your Blood, something called Forever Evil). Then there is another sort, the kind that dumbfounds you and leaves you constantly saying, “What the f*@k just happened?” These are the movies that drop you down the rabbit hole, “ass over teakettle”, as Harlan Ellison likes to say, and deposit you in the middle of strange, unexplored turf. Eraserhead is such a movie. Drunken Wu Tang is another.

Another site, BadMovies.org, does an adequate job of explaining the plot:

Rat Face is tasked with finding a virgin male born on the 15th of August to perform a temple ritual. Cha Le (a virgin born on the 15th of August) is learning the art of being a martial arts using witch from his manly grandmother. He must retrieve the “secret document” from a hidden room, reaching it involves many dangers, and The Watermelon Monster guards the script. Princess and her cult often collect money from people, they can be very violent about not contributing. Old Devil wants the “secret document” to gain more power or something. The situation comes to a head at the temple ceremony where Rat Face and Cha Le must battle Old Devil.

None of these proper nouns are pseudonyms or jokey nicknames. Rat Face drives a tiny Flintstone car in the shape of a rat head. The Watermelon Monster is a gnashing black sphere the size of a yoga ball with derpy stub legs and grappling wires for ears. Old Devil apparently doesn’t have hand prints because his hands have been burned and flayed by a heated metal slide. Other characters named Porcupine Back, Granny, Princess, Shining Knight, and Fat Chick. You might be surprised which of those names is a descriptor and which is some sort of horrible joke by the English translators.

There’s wire work out the wazoo, sped up footage just for the fun of it, dummy bodies being flung every which way, skillfully executed fight scenes, specialized Kungfu weapons that boggle the mind, and giant props that would make the movie Torque blush red in shame. There’s even a section that resembles a live action reinterpretation of a Roadrunner and Coyote sketch. The only thing this film doesn’t have is rhyme or reason.

This film is nothing short of essential to any and all bad movie connoisseurs, but not just because it’s mind-meltingly bizarre. It’s also directed by Cheung-Yan Yuen, who plays Rat Face in the film, and who’s credits include the martial arts and stunts in Charlie’s Angels, Daredevil, Jet Li’s Tai-Chi Master, and Iron Monkey. What does that mean, other than I do my homework? It means that the director knows what he’s doing when it comes to action and that all of this well executed mayhem is almost certainly purposeful!

Maybe this film isn’t so bad after all…but that hasn’t stopped us yet, and it won’t stop us now!

The Supercult Show is proud to present: Drunken Wu-Tang!

Drunken Wu Tang Drunken Wu Tang Howdy all you Supercultists out there on the interwebz! I’m Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in “Purposeful Mayhem” with a minor in “Watermelon Monsters”) and I’ll be posting my hype-tacular speeches every week along with some long lost speeches from past Supercult Shows!

[funface2]

55 of Tim Vine’s most hilarious jokes and one-liners – iNews

Tim Vine, best-known for his his role on Not Going Out from 2006 to 2014, is a quick-witted connoisseur of comedy who often appears on best jokes lists that follow in the wake of festivals around the world.

Here are 55 of the comic master’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners:

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“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”

“I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.”

“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”

“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’”

“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’”

“The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.”

“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’”

The ‘king of one-liners’, Tim Vine (Photo: Getty)

“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.’”

“I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.’”

“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.’”

“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.”

“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’”

“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.’”

“I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”

“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”

“I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”

“I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.”

“I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.”

“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”

“I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.”

“Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?’”

“I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.’”

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”

“Do you ever get that when you’re half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?’”

“Black Beauty – now there’s a dark horse.”

Tim Vine has won numerous best joke awards (Photo: Getty)

“I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.”

“I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.’”

“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”

“Velcro? What a rip-off!”

“I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’”

“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”

“I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’”

“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…”

“I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’

“A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!”

“I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said: ‘I give up!’”

“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’”

“I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: ‘I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.’ He said: ‘You have to love Easter, baby.’”

“I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.”

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

“I went to a Pretenders concert. It was a tribute act.”

“I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’”

“I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar – it’s murder on the Orient Express.”

“I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?’”

“I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’”

“You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.”

“My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”

“He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library’. I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.’”

“And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this is my livelihood.’”

“I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’”

“So this bloke says to me, ‘Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?’ I thought ‘That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness.’”

“So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went ‘T’PAU!’ I said ‘Don’t you mean KAPOW??’ He said ‘No, I’ve got china in my hand.’”

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