#chain quitcha bitchin

[chainsawmascara]

"You can't do the cool thing if you don't suck at the cool thing first"

Tell that to my gifted kid burn out, buddy

[chainsawmascara]

Why do my fabric scissors disappear the week before every convention

W h y

[chainsawmascara]

Am i depressed or hungry: the game

[chainsawmascara]

A fibro flareup the likes of which I have not experienced since I was 23, wherein my body is literally forcing me to rest by shutting down and radiating debilitating pain preventing physical movement to the point where I can scarcely swallow food and the chewing of such things requires such effort it exhausts me.

This is how I've learned I legitimately do not understand the concept of "rest" and have no choice but to learn it's meaning as I near the age 32.

I have also learned my bed is wrecking my body from its sagging as if quicksand, contorting my spine. I've retreated to a futon in the basement, resigned to crawling a few inches at a time before pausing for five or so minutes on my way to both the bathroom and kitchen. A new bed is on its way Tuesday. This is of great benefit and long overdue.

I have been forced to request help retrieving cups of water and what food I can manage to eat (we have learned our best options are pre-made vegan protein shakes and cut up fruit). (How humiliating to request assistance.)

I have been listening to historical and esoteric podcasts (with bonus nine inch nails nostalgia moments), laying down, and attempting to sustain myself through aforementioned food and drink.

I should be sent to the seaside for my health.

There are thousands of things I want to do, running through my mind at all times, the frustration brought by which feels unending.

I will listen to my body and rest for I have a child to raise and career to further when my strength inevitably returns, but by the gods will I complain the entire fucking time.

(Gratefully, the father of said child has taken him to visit his grandmother several states away for a fortnight, allowing me to convalesce in the hopes this passes soon. Given I've forced my body to work through flare ups via walkers and stubbornly grinding my bones into the dirt, I imagine this flare up to pass far sooner than all prior experienced given I am, for once, "resting.")

Tips on what resting means and how to do it are appreciated. So far, I've gathered it means to lay down. Surely, one can do more than simply lay down. Right? Is there no productive way to rest? (I have been told attempts at productivity are antithetical to resting, this is discouraging and of great upset to me.)

[chainsawmascara]

It shouldn't hurt to breathe

[chainsawmascara]

It would be gr8 if chronic fatigue could Not Do This

I'd go on a paragraph about how I don't feel well to do my usual cripple blogging but man

Typing requires so much energy

And there are so many things I want to do

Stares at Google docs for writing projects, sketchbook, charcoal, and sewing machine

Stares in I Have No Idea How I've Managed to Function Enough to Take Care of My Child but Here We Are Disabled Parental Superpowers

Stares in Lifting My Head Took So Much Energy I Need to Lay Down

[chainsawmascara]

Listen, if a train station locks the bathroom, I'm pissing in its parking lot with no remorse.

[chainsawmascara]

Why sleep when you could be awake for 36 hours and work heavy labor for a straight sixteen of them after failing to fall asleep for six when your shift magically changed at 10:30pm, am I right.

[chainsawmascara]

Things I haven't had energy for today:

- basic conversation

- cooking/getting water from the fridge

- focusing on podcasts

- getting out of bed 3/4s of the day

- changing clothes

- skincare (the horror)

- dishes, cleaning, showering*, etc

- most things required to exist

Things I HAVE had the energy for:

- looking up Chinese provinces with the highest demographics of Yue speakers

- looking up massacres in the mid to late 1960s within those provinces

- looking up immigration laws in Britain between 1942 to 1971 and their causes

- looking up the statistics of people immigrating from China to Britain between aforementioned years (and the modern day for the sake of intrigue)

- which year Britain legalized civil partnerships

- the origin of a last name for which I cannot find a meaning (it's Hungarian and makes no sense in its original context)

- brushing my teeth

If there is one thing for which I'll find energy, it's absurdly specific forms of research that rarely have importance to anyone aside myself in relation to hyperfixations, work projects, or education.

(*showered yesterday, thank goodness)

[chainsawmascara]

The trans struggle of wanting a man to choke on your cock without losing access to multiple orgasms

[chainsawmascara]

Two extractions and a bone graft are, in case you were curious, deeply unpleasant.

[chainsawmascara]

May i wish a very merry fuck you to all packer companies for not making underwear that fits a 22"/23" waist.

Small transmen still deserve gender euphoria, but okay, i guess.

[chainsawmascara]

I'm in four discord servers, one of which i don't acknowledge as I've been taking a break from opera omnia, and i have no idea how any of you keep up with anything

[chainsawmascara]

Paint has a funny way of drying when you least want it to and refusing to dry when you need to paint over part of it.

Why. Why are you like this.

[chainsawmascara]

I didn't realize how much bottom dysphoria i have until i was half asleep daydreaming gale could magic me a penis this morning and i don't know what that says about me but i DO know it is a LOT of dysphoria.

I also know there's no way to get Exactly What I'd Want so it's Pointless and that EVERYONE WHO MAKES UNDERWEAR FOR PACKERS ASSUMES ALL TRANSMEN HAVE A 25-27" WAIST MINIMUM

Bitch i am a 23" waist PLEASE THINK OF THE TWINKS some of us are SMALL PEOPLE can i please feel valid for like five seconds THANK YOU.

(Caps for emphasis, i have new followers, capslock is always for emphasis)

[chainsawmascara]

Ama: 2, 9

HOW DID I KNOW SOMEONE WOULD ASK THESE

2. Preferred method of non-physical self destruction: Sleep Deprivation and Overworking Myself. Often with a heaping side order of taking care of everyone else while neglecting my own needs as I grind myself to the bone in the realm of career or peer advisory.

I just escaped the clutches of a two month fibro flare up where I couldn't lift my head and literally needed help crawling to the bathroom. Zero exaggeration. Complete Hell. Caused by lack of sleep/forgetting to eat in favor of working fifty 8-12 hour shifts at bizarre hours (sometimes getting home at 1:30am and having to wake up at 3am/4am to take the train back to work again), taking care of a toddler, cleaning the house, taking care of my friends and their crises, being On Call for everyone I know to catch an Uber at any second (when i had a babysitter on deck already/easily acquired) - often carrying a full oversized tote (thatidesigned) full of self care items for the spiritual body; physical body; and creative self.

I call it my Cleric Bag.

Technically this is supposed to be non-physical, however, the destructive behavior is the thought process preceding the action. It's adopting the responsibilities of others, pushing inhuman amounts of pressure on myself, and willfully ignoring my physical well-being/stress level so long as I can care for everyone else's.

I wouldn't say it's my favorite, necessarily. It's the one I default to by my very nature. I did a lot of self reflection and emotional healing to work through that during the two months I couldn't leave my damn bed.

9. Do you cry? Why or why not?: It takes a lot for me to cry. I'd say much of the reason stems from youth - needing to be the strong one for emotionally unstable parents, not showing weakness towards those who sought to harm me in one way or another, (modeling some coping mechanisms from early game squall leonheart at a very young age - we worked on it this past year or two), and living primarily in a situation of Crumble/Allow A Single Crack and It's Over in a number of ways most of my life.

I analyze things. Rationalize them. Extract emotion from the equation to view situations objectively more often than not. I also have anxiety, so I've run through whatever is happening in my head to play a mini mental film au where I do break down as if watching myself already. These mini films are entirely mental, I don't say it out loud or physically act it out. No literal crying about a hypothetical.

As for crying at media rather than personal life experiences - also extremely rare! It has to be something I connect with at my very core, which isn't easy to find! Final Fantasy VIII is the only thing off the top of my head. OH WAIT when I was pregnant, at 2am every night I'd start crying about that time in 2019 people were cyberbullying the official cinnamonroll Sanrio Twitter account. It was not during 2019. Maybe the ending of Yu Yu Hakusho from how formative it was?

Crying about media isn't a thing I do 98.4% of the time (to be generous in the other direction).

On average, I cry maybe five times a year. This year is an anomaly given the mental breakdowns I had due to the pain itself and falling apart at the bathroom sink crumpled on the floor trying to reach the water/soap while singing "I'm going to be okay" over and over to myself a few times a day. The addition of being in that pain, fearing it won't end, and fearing the effect it could have on my child inspired a number of breakdowns.

I haven't had a flare up like this in, goodness, 9 years or so? I forgot how bad it could get.

Tl;dr: I don't cry often primarily due to an analytical/rational approach to situations and childhood trauma (that has been worked through! But is also the reason for the first half! Whoopth).

I certainly can go on about myself, huh?