#certified throat goat

[neverletbrocookagain]

Suspiciously tea shaped snake barbatos

[essefryu]

I'm extremely badass (survived an unsedated endoscopy almost without crying)

[jji-lee]

𖦹 .ᐣ.ᐟ₊ ⊹ cryptic crush

are you looking for something deeper than just superficial romance? of course you are! sm university presents : cryptic crush the only on campus app that is 100% anonymous. sign up now and we'll randomly pair you with someone ready to chat! who knows? they might be the one...

maybe you should've kept in mind that anyone looking to find love is allowed on the app even campus fuck boy mark lee

fuckboy!mark x fem!reader

genre : humor, neighbors/enemies to lovers, college au, fluff, slight slow burn, fluff, mark and reader are always at it bro (fighting not fucking LMAO),

warnings : sex jokes, death jokes, mean ass insults and comments, descriptions of sex and dirty acts, reader is a secret freak, lets see for how many chapters i can talk about sex for tbh...

notes : my 2nd smau! I wanna take my time with this one since there's not evil dad backstory lol... i apologize beforehand for the way these guys talk about women. feedback is always appreciated and don't forget to enjoy!

playlist : pony , ginuwine | s&m , rihanna | sex with me , rihanna | die for you , the weekend | the boy is mine , ariana grande | kiss me thru the phone , soulja boy | work out , j.cole | rodeo , lah pat | agora hills , doja cat | moonlight , kali uchis

status : completed !

profiles [1] | profiles [2]

intro

[1] pussy with emotion

[2] juliet o juliet

[3] jelena forever

[4] false alarm

[5] long dee

[6] zoo wee mama

[7] good boy

[8] nanami x reader

[9] GAGGED YOU

[10] constipation

[11] honesty and attention

[12] might like her sorta

[13] 10/10

[14] psych manipulation techniques

[15] burger king

[16] that's barbie bitch

[17] that sounds familiar…

[18] GET MARRIED?!

[19] haiiiiii >0<

[20] rizz

[21] bread and jam

[22] tap dancing

[23] she gotta be a lesbian

[24] brat

[25] the y/n way

[26] YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE

[27] oh fuck no.

[28] gordon ramsay

[29] friendly bonding

[30] who tf is peter

[31] sweetie pie juliet

[32] skibbiddi toilet rizz

[33] he's molesting us

[34] @ilynanam1

[35] hairy balls

[36] are u my daddy?

[37] crack dry

[38] he's unemployed

[39] certified throat goat

[40] dream blunt rotation

END~

bonus :

[1] private but not secret

[2] ms. daisy

[3] finally on the priv

END~

[jupiter-letters]

Klaus Hargreeves NSFT Headcanons💓

Anon Requested: Clawing at the walls rn. Can you write nsfw Klaus hcs?

A/N: Need to get back into writing again to start the healing process after season 4. I'm seeing some other writers do that now which is really funny and comforting. I've been wanting to do this but I didn't have that drive to do so thanks for the push anon! I'm aware of Klaus' identity as a Genderfluid person, I will be using He/They pronouns for this set of headcanons. Fem! or GN! Reader as always

word count: 634

divider cred || palestine links

now playing: I Wanna Be Yours - Arctic Monkeys

Klaus is very open to most things when it comes to sex, very few things are off the table for him. Having the opportunity to experiment with a partner is a fun experience for the both of you. He teaches you some things and he does the same for you, kinks you never knew you had kind of bubble to the surface.

Wax Play! Klaus introduced you to it in the middle stages of your relationship, he made it known he wasn’t afraid to experiment with a little pain. As long as you weren’t sawing his limbs off to get your rocks off he was fine.The sensation of hot wax on his skin and the soft caress of your fingers brings Klaus such euphoria. He likes to have it dripped on his thighs and his chest. Not so much on his face, anything that involves a little pain he doesn’t want done to his face. 

Being bound in any way is very very hot for them as well. Handcuffs, ropes or clamps, whether it be you or them. He mostly has a preference for being the one tied up, if you’re riding him and his hands are tied to the bedpost, he’ll go crazy. When he's bottoming he'll love it if you tie his hands behind his back. If you use that to grip onto while you fuck him from behind, face pressed in the pillow, he’ll get really loud. 

He lovesss to get pegged, Klaus will alternate between being the biggest brat and being the softest big wet eyed baby in the world. It really depends on how he’s feeling that day whether he’s gonna mouth off to you or not. He just gets sassy to get a reaction out of you but a good way to eradicate that cocky attitude to edge him, Klaus hates when you make him wait to cum. He has such a love-hate relationship with it, it does make anticipation of cumming more exciting. If you do it to him, sometimes he will get revenge later on. He would rather not do it to you cause he loves to give you whatever you want but he is a tease above all. 

He’ll even bring it up while you’re having sex, “Remember that time I backtalked you a tiny bit and you didn’t let me cum for 5 whole minutes babe? Well guess what?” and then he just stops thrusting into you, Klaus will even keep you on the edge of an orgasm for 5 minutes and let you cum after time’s up. “That was torture wasn’t it? I guess it doesn’t feel as good when the shoe’s on the other foot.” 

They have an oral fixation like you wouldn't believe, certified throat goat/munch. Stick your fingers in their mouth and they'll look at you with the nastiest whorish eyes. Anything you wanna put in Klaus' mouth they'll accept it happily, except maybe a gun that might be too much. If you're the one recieving Klaus will have some part of you in their mouth, an earlobe, a nipple or your cheek. It doesn't matter, they want to get as close as possible.

When Klaus goes down on you he's literally kicking his feet while he does it, no joke. He's so excited to be the one that makes you feel good, sex is always filled with giggles and smiles.

Aftercare is usually very quiet and intimate after a night of fun, you just sit in silence in each other's arms. You're both wound up tight in each other's arms, skin still covered in sweat. Klaus will pull you with him into the bathroom eventually so you both can get clean. After a nice shower you both end up playing monopoly or cooking something in your kitchen.

Thanks for reading! Lemme know what you think. Please like or reblog if you like my stuff.

[deepbbcdestiny]

I need a certified throat goat in Atlanta!!!

Message me!!!

[valend]

Just wanted to get my 10 cents in as a certified Hamilton fucker. Y'all amaze me. How can ANYONE find a receding hairline sexy? The only plus of it that I can fathom to be is that you can stare at your own reflection instead of his ugly ass jeff bezos looking face during the course of probably not very long sexual act. Burr is a literal abomination, I see his face in my fucking dreams and I wake up screaming. Haunting. In the 1960s the Soviets dug the Kola Superdeep Borehole — its true depth is around 12 thousand metres, but guess what? They still haven't dug deep enough to find the standards of burr-likers. Those aren't even daddy issues, they're great-great-grandfather's, and talking about them proudly should get you one of those Darwin awards or something. Touch grass, if you still haven't forgotten what that is by this point. Hamilton the throat goat 2024.

girl even she was weirded tf out

[baby-xemnas]

Who would be better at giving blowjobs, Bepo or Zoro? Zoro’s got a lot of practice with his mouth (and an oral fixation) but Bepo must be SO careful with his teeth…he’s so soft, too.

real silly question they are the best for their respective captains - Zoro is a certified throat goat we KNOW this but would he be as disgusting shameless and sloppy if it wasnt Luffy? no way

bepo is so careful and precious, super aware of his teeth but he learned to work around them and put his lips over them so they dont scrape captain's most tender place ever (Law still feels ☺️ about putting his dick in the safest ever - but still a bear trap (lol) damage is near impossible but he had seen what those teeth can do) bepo does have texture to his tongue that humans don't have while his lips are very soft. you know Law is addicted to it - so bepo is the best for him

Bepo tries so hard to be good but he is shy and cautious (its still good for Law) he loves being in the most service position And he loves a chance to be looking up at Law cuz its an angle he doesnt often see.

[torushawty]

KARMA’S WiPS / REQUESTS!

╰┈➤ REMiNDER: hi! on here, will be anything i‘m currently workin' on, whether it’s wips, requests, or thirsts 'n since my memory is horribleeee this’ll help me out ! requests sent in my ask box via kazushawty are from most recent to old. some thirsts may turn into fics if i really like them :> last edited 9/28

JUJUTSU KAiSEN.

• current fics in progress:

#MANEATER CERTIFIED feat. toji fushiguro

type: smut request | content: femme fetale reader who has to kill toji for money. song reference: the weeknd’s six feet under. progress: not started on au: modern

FANTASIZING FREAK feat. gojo satoru

type: smut request | content: you give that p*ssy to gojo 9 to 5, 5 to 9 progress: not started au: modern au. sneaky link. based off ariana grande‘s unreleased single: fantasize

THROAT GOAT feat. suguru geto

type: smut | content: no plot yet. geto’s your dentist blah blah idk progress: not started on au: modern

SAID IT’S HER FIRST TIME feat. choso kamo

type: smut request | content: you and choso are both v!rgins. wanting to take relationship to the next step, choso’s shy at first but turns into a needy desperate mess. progress: not started on. au: modern

FASHION KILLA feat. nanami kento

type: smut request | content: model reader invites nanami to a fashion show. asks him to finger her in the private cabin with one of her outfits on. progress: not started on. au: modern / model industry! au

NO GUIDANCE feat. toji fushiguro

type: smut request | content: reader trying to make toji jealous after an argument and they fuck. progress: not started on. au: modern

PARTYNEXTDOORNEIGHBOR feat. gojo satoru

type: smut request | content: apartment neighbor gojo who sees you playing with yourself on your balcony and “helps you out.” progress: not started on. au: modern

[crunchyspicysalmon]

I can’t believe I’m a certified Throat Goat™

[tuggersc0ck]

How much of a mouthful is Tugger? How do each of his partners take it?

I'm gonna actually answer a question on this blog Damn it

Tugger is a very generous cummer, usually shooting off a pretty big load followed up by a secondary smaller one.

Bombalurina is a certified throat goat, so she is able to swallow everything with ease, not releasing him until she is sure she's gotten it all. She's also in tune with Tugger's body so she always knows when he's about to cum without him needing to tell her, and when she knows he's close she will take him all the way down her throat to ensure she gets very last drop.

Misto doesn't really give blowjobs all that often, preferring to be on the receiving end. But on the rare occasion he does give Tugger one, he prefers swallowing as well, mostly because he doesn't want to spend time cleaning it off his fur. Unlike Bombalurina though, Tugger will let Misto know when he's about to cum, usually gripping the back of his head while he comes down his throat.

Teazer is the exact opposite, she enjoys giving oral but isn't the biggest fan of swallowing. She does love cum shots though and Tugger is always happy to oblige her.

Then my OC Artemis always does their best to swallow everything he gives them. He's a bit rougher with Artemis than he is with his other mates since Artemis prefers him being in complete control when they suck him off. Tugger is a generous cummer though and despite Artemis' best efforts every time, they always have some dribbling down the sides of their mouth when he's done with them. And Tugger loves seeing them lick up whatever they didn't manage to swallow.

[emomanswhore]

going down in history as ghost’s number one certified throat goat 💪🏆🐐

[rambrosius]

I don't normally engage in these kinds of posts beyond reblogging them, but I'll get into my personal connection and PSA:

Watch out for ALL allergies too, especially with the rise of Alpha-gal.* My aunt has it, and is not only allergic to nuts, but mammal meat (pork, beef, goat, etc...), mammal milk (cheese, yoghurt, etc.), several cleaners, certain artificial sweeteners, gelatine based products like capsules and Jell-o, cement glue, and much more. Animal byproducts are everywhere and can be just as harmful as directly touching milk. If she is in the vicinity of cooking meat, she will go into anaphylactic shock. She is so sensitive that she does not have to touch it for her throat to swell shut. Likewise, several other people in my family and my village that have deadly allergies related and not related to Alpha-gal (there is about 700 people in my town and I can name at least 10 off the top of my head alone out of just the circle of people that I have some kind of relationship to who have an allergy). If someone requests for a certain ingredient to be left out, do NOT think you're doing something by ignoring that request.** You could start a deadly reaction.

Consider instead adding epipen training the next time you get first aid or cpr/aed certified, and actively engage in risk reduction. You do not need to know someone's medical history to respect a request. I promise that there are very few people with a condition who want to make your life harder, and even fewer people have the audacity to fake a condition.

*Alpha-gal is not a genetic allergy. It is caused by a tick bite from a Lone Star tick. Which means that anybody can be at risk for developing this disease, and this is why it is one of the fastest growing allergies in North America. There is currently no cure, but there are injections available to reduce the risk of severe reaction. Reduce, not mitigate entirely. Please take caution if you know you will be spending time outside during warmer seasons, take the time to learn how to prevent tick bites.

**This goes beyond allergies. Diabetics, people with hypertension or who have high cholesterol, folks on certain kinds of medications, folks with disabilities related to mouth movement or swallowing, and so many more are often restricted or prohibited in what they can consume, by eating or by contact, without having an adverse reaction and/or dying.

I wasn't going to derail the disability pride month post for people with peanut allergies but in relation to that topic

I have never seen another allergy that has been so viscerally hated and mocked by people working in education like nut allergies. I've seen fellow teachers cringe that their classroom was the "nut free" classroom that year. Support staff that are trained and willfully don't follow cross contamination protocol in the lunchroom because it's too "tedious" or "time-consuming". Full preschools + childcare centers that refuse to accommodate nut allergies. Schools where the only free lunch is a PB&J. Before/after school programs and summer programs whose food curriculum has nuts and doesn't provide an alternative activity.

Allergy discrimination is so so insidious and prevalent. It's happening behind their back and it is everything from the exposure joke to possibly causing someone to go into anaphylaxis from willful ignorance.

Also other parents in the classroom are guilty too. The "not my child not my problem" brain rot means that those lunchboxes are like bombs for airborne exposure allergies

[jji-lee]

Lmao certified throat goat is crazy😭

Why would mark post that😭

he had to let the world know that he finally found the one 😭

[xhimbology]

☎Red Forman for Tucker?

Put ☎ in my ask for your muses info in my muses phone:

NAME: (B) Re (e) d 🌶

RINGTONE: Throat Goat - K*m P*tras

PICTURE: 

LAST TEXT SENT: [ Image Attachment ] Feeling hungry? I have some All American Grade A Certified beef for you 😉

[valend]

Do you know what's deeper than Kola? Burr's hole. You don't know what you're missing on. "Certified Hamilton fucker" certified cuck more like. The man you glaze so meticulously is like a barbie doll, if it was created on a chinese factory by underpaid workers, dipped into mud, and then used instead of a mop. The throat goat? Amusing. The only thing that man can throat is Burr's Big Fat Cock, and only because he uses stretchers. He literally published a pamphlet about how he couldn't keep his own wiener in his pants and you're still attracted to him? Hamilton would cheat on you in a matter of seconds. As annoying as my little sister, except it's a grown man who should take responsibility over his own actions. But no. The only thing he is good at — being a pretty boytoy, though the pretty part is much debatable. Don't ever compare the wet ratfuck to my Daddy burr. I don't care if it's grandaddy issues, at least they're not the trust ones betsey has for Hamilton. F you

I know how you and the previous anon should resolve this

[outro-tearist]

paws of paradise - chapter 2 {bangtan ot7 x reader}

hi everybody! sorry for the inactivity but idek how to do a schedule ever. i think that maybe once a week is what i'm shooting for, but i honestly have no plot and im making it up as i go!

as per usual, i'd appreciate comments, thoughts, suggests, anons, anything! have a great day!

~silver~

chap 1 chap 2 chap 3

------------------------------------------------

“Shit.” (Y/N) whispered. Not only were there two new dogs today, but Jimin also couldn’t make it to help with walking today.

Kim Yeontan and Jeon Gureum had joined the roster of new regulars, and while she appreciated the support of her business in the bustling city, she couldn’t help but stress over the fact that so many people were becoming dependent on her.

This was the busiest day she had seen ever since she had packed from her old home in a small countryside town. As the small town stereotype goes, everybody knew everybody in her hometown. She was mostly known for being a farmer’s daughter and having a preference for animals over humans.

After spending most of her teenage years hanging out in barns of cows, horses, goats, and other farm animals, she had realized her passion was helping and caring for them.

At the same time, (Y/N) was bored of her small-town life and wanted to experience the hustle that city life promised. She could have easily gotten a grooming job somewhere in the country but decided that it would be best for her to move to Seoul.

She had never once regretted her decision, but that does not mean it was easy for (Y/N) in any way. Buying a shop, getting certified to groom, remodeling her shop, finding an affordable apartment, and getting a small job before her shop opened were just a few struggles she had fought through.

“You little- c’mon Gureum! I have yummy treats!! Mmmmmmm come get some.” (Y/N) baby talked to the small white dog. He seemed to laugh in her face as it turned around and continued to jump around Yeontan and another larger dog that she forgot the name of.

Gureum seemed to instigate the most trouble out of all the dogs she had met. She would always find the “dynamic duo” (Jimin’s nickname for Gureum and Yeontan) prancing around the other dogs and creating chaos. Yeontan would usually stop when told but would be roped back in by Gureum to run around and bark wildly.

“Gureum! C’mere boy,” a new voice called from behind (Y/N). Apparently, somebody had come into the back of the shop and she didn’t even hear the bell.

She let out a small shriek as he rushed past her legs and made her lose her balance. She desperately tried to regain her balance but unfortunately fell backward. She closed her eyes to brace for the ass flattening she would receive but was only met with a firm chest and bulging arms wrapping around her quickly.

“Oh my gosh! Are you okay Noona?!” the young boyish-faced with the largest build she had seen called out to her.

(Y/N) looked up at the boy with bunny teeth and quickly pushed herself up and off his chest. “AH! Yes! I am all good now,” she chuckled awkwardly. “Um, how did you get back here?”

“I didn’t mean to scare you! I thought you’d heard the bell in the front but then I saw you struggling with him so I thought I would help a little.”

“Is Gureumie yours?”

The boy bashfully ducked his head as he leaned down to pet the calmest version of the white dog the girl had ever seen. “Ah, yeah. My hyungs say that he and I are kinda similar but I don't see it… Anyways, they also told me that you are the best groomer around, and from how he looks now, I think I’ll be here more often.”

“Wow… Thank you, and tell your hyungs thanks too! What’s your name so I can log him out?” (Y/N) was so excited to hear people giving her small shop good reviews. It meant that all her hard work actually meant something.

“I’m Jeon Jeongguk, and I’ll let Namjoon hyung and Seokjin hyung know. They’ll be happy you thought of them too.” he smiled brightly and picked his still wiggly dog up.

“Have a great day! Hope to see you soon.” (Y/N) smiled at Jeongguk as he walked out of the shop. She walked into the back only to see Yeontan jumping up on Jimin.

“Jimin! I thought you were busy today- and how’d you get in?” (Y/N) grinned at her coworker. She felt her cheeks warm and her heart beat a little faster now that he was here, but she brushed it off as soon as Jimin responded.

“The back door is always opened, like usual. And I still am but I just wanted to stop by… check-in and make sure you’re doing alright?” Jimin started somewhat nervously. (Y/N) giggled a little bit as she stood a little closer in order to pet the dog in Jimin’s arms.

“Well, Jimin, I am doing very well right now. In fact, I walked all the dogs AND finished the appointments scheduled so far. Maybe you need to step up your game on dog walking.” (Y/N) teased lightly.

Jimin scoffed, “Oh please, you wouldn’t have hired me if you didn’t need to. Admit it, you need me to be here.”

This statement made (Y/N) freeze up a little. He was her first friend that she had met in Seoul, and thanks to him, she was able to achieve everything she had wanted and more. The girl softened a little bit and looked up into Jimin’s eyes.

“You’re right. I really appreciate all that you’ve done for me. Thank you so, so much.” she expressed her gratitude gently.

Jimin seemed to fluster at this, not expecting a genuine response from his coworker as he stuttered and stumbled to find new words. Luckily for the blushing man, the tinkling bell sounded from the front of the store.

“Hello, welcome to Paradise Pet Groomers, what can I do for you two?” (Y/N) politely asked the men as she walked out of the backroom. “Ah, Yoongi-ssi, good to see you!”

“Likewise.” the stoic man responded. He had Holly on a leash as his dog smelled the second man who walked in with another incredibly handsome man. His face seemed to be perfectly chiseled and he seemed to be a few inches taller than Yoongi standing next to him.

“Hi, Taehyung-ssi. Jimin will be right out with Yeontannie. And Yoongi-ssi, I’ll grab Holly now if you’d tell me what sort of cut you’d like for him.” (Y/N) smoothly managed the two customers.

“Taehyungie!” Jimin shouted as he ran out from the back with Yeontan. Taehyung greeted him back just as excited, and (Y/N) couldn’t help the twists of jealousy that ran through her veins as they seemed so happy to see each other. Despite that, she forced a grin on her face to turn back to Yoongi, who had brought him back into the grooming area.

“Just do the same cut as last time, please. Holly looked good like that.” Yoongi’s deep voice grumbled as he bent down to say goodbye. He let out a few small high-pitched squeals as (Y/N) watched through the window as Jimin and Taehyung were hugging.

Fuck. That should not have made her feel as angry as it did. Yoongi seemed to notice the tension that entered the air as he cleared his throat.

“Oh- sorry. Holly’s cut should only take about an hour and a half, so we’ll see you soon!” (Y/N) tried to crush the bitterness in her voice, but it was useless. Yoongi had to have noticed it, but he didn’t say anything. All he said was, “See you soon, (Y/N).”

(Y/N) took in a strained deep breath, and picked up Holly just as Jimin’s blushing face entered through the back again.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to stay longer, but-”

“It’s fine. See you later Jimin.” (Y/N) cut him off shortly. Jimin’s eyebrows raised as he began to wonder what had happened when he was talking to- he blushed a little bit more thinking of Taehyung.

“Did Yoongi say anything? Are you alright…?” Jimin asked tentatively.

“No! I-I’m fine. Sorry to worry you, but you should get going. Don’t wanna be late to wherever you’re going.” Jimin’s shocked face hurt (Y/N) to look at, so she looked down at Holly and brought him to the baths.

“Oh. Right. I guess I’ll get going then.” Jimin stared at her a bit sadly before he awkwardly walked out the backdoor. “Oh my god Holly what is wrong with me.” (Y/N) said to the small brown poodle. He simply panted happily as she scratched behind his ears as the warm water flowed down his back.