#cavern livingston

[justanotherquinnfan]

On The Devil of Dublin and Going "All In"

I doubt it has gone unnoticed by those in the Quinn community, but just in case this slipped under anyone's radar, The Devil of Dublin is now fully revealed (I mean his identity, pervs) and has made the announcement that he is going "all in" at the same time. That was something like 2 (3?) months ago, and watching his journey is SO fascinating.

So TDOD, or Eric Nolan, made a huge announcement some while back when he revealed not only what he looks like, but his name and daytime career. To say this is fairly unprecedented might be an understatement. To my knowledge, I haven't seen a major Quinn or erotica VA come out of their anonymity and certainly not like this. Not to mention the fact that Eric has been one of the most popular voices on the app.

I mentioned in the past that I was concerned that this move might have been due to pressure brought on by fans (something I assumed given the exodus of several anonymous VAs from social media). I was also concerned because of some discourse I had read from people worrying that if they saw what some of these actors looked like, how disappointed they would be if they didn't find them physically attractive.

To the first point, obviously I just wasn't giving Eric enough credit as a grown man who knows his mind. That's on me any my own unconscious bias that I am currently working towards.

To the second point, well. Eric honestly wasn't worried about that, nor should he have been, as he painted the image of himself to be as accurate as I'm sure his fans had hoped. But the poster on Reddit, where I read that baseless fear, still sticks in my mind and I feel the need to address it in a separate post. But for now, let's just say that if anyone was nervous that Eric wouldn't, er, live up to the hype, let's say, then I'm hoping it's been put to rest because honestly, have you seen him?

Since the reveal, I can't help but notice his posts, both on Quinn and social media, to be more filled with abandon. At the risk of a BDSM joke, it's like he'd been somewhat shackled down and now he is freed. He can incorporate more of himself into his work. I know he does a lot of collaboration with BB Easton (which is brilliant, she's a fantastic writer), but it's been cool to see him explore.

And explore he has! I think the first thing that really took me, hmm. Not off guard, but rather maybe by pleasant surprise? Was his Rest Day Ramble.

Now, I know I'm not the only one out there who can say they love a ramble, but I REALLY love rambles. There is something so much more vulnerable about them. If they are truly spontaneous and unscripted, there is a sense of reciprocation that might not exist in the fantasy scenarios. Which, I love those as well, but there can be at times (for me) a sense of loneliness in them. Like this is just for my benefit. And I do know that many creators get a real charge simply of the act of coming up and figuring out these fun stories, who enjoy the total process from start to finish. So I know it's not entirely one-sided. But, there is still something to be said about the feedback loop that comes from someone allowing themselves pleasure for the sake of another's pleasure.

I do want to be clear here, that I am still fully recognizing the parasocial nature of this exchange and I am both cognizant and respectful of the boundaries. But if a VA wants to adjust those boundaries and let us in just a little bit, I am grateful for the opportunity to share in the energetic exchange as I personally find it fulfilling.

I say so many words to just say that the Rest Day Ramble was so very hot. Just. So hot. Part of it is, in fact, that vulnerability. Eric speaks to the listener directly. He gently teases us for playing along and maybe responding to questions out loud. He gives us a window into his process, how it can physically affect him to do these audios. I will say, whether this is true or not, the idea that he finishes one of his saucy, extra spicy Devil stories feeling excited and bereft, took my breath away. I mean. What an image! And of course he knew exactly what he was doing by painting it for us.

I won't go much further into discussing this particular audio because I feel like it's worth it to go have a listen for yourself if you haven't. But it pretty much descends into the kind of sweaty miasma you tend to expect from a licentious 6ft-something tall Irishman. It's glorious and should definitely be in queue if it's not already.

From there we see a rise in some of the most delicious collabs I've ever seen. From his Devil's Pact series, in which we see Mairsyy as our knight in shining honor (poor guy....) to Tom York in the London Calling series (when will there be a part 3???P) to John York giving us some needed aftercare in Virtual VA and then Zach Cowman in Freaky, which is honestly just perfection. The next collab on the docket, it would seem, is Cavern Livingston, and I won't lie, I'm excited!

In between those we also see more audios that I feel offer even more of a wink-wink-nudge vibe. The Brat Test was a genius way to get fans to interact (hmm, that might be one bit of phrasing too far). His even more recent offering of "I Know, I Know..." addresses his reputation for the infidelity tag (one in which I am not personally super comfortable with, but to each their own) and he finishes the audio by saying something to the effect of, "He can have the best of you, I will happily take the worst of you." For those of us who struggle with listening to Quinn while in a relationship? That is a line that will do about 3 weeks worth of therapeutic healing and I thank him so much for it.

I will very honestly say that, prior to all of this change, I hadn't quite yet jumped on the TDOD train. I get why he's so popular, but my own journey is so roundabout, that I just hadn't quite figured him out yet. I look for things that are not just sexy, but also are helping me do some major healing of my own. I just wasn't sure where to begin with his work.

But once he opened up, it was a whole different ballgame because I'm very much the kind of person that only wants to play if everyone wants to play. And Eric essentially threw off the mask and said, "LET'S PLAY" and I was just hooked.

But the thing that really got to me? Was actually his episode of The Audiobook Club with John York. In it he is asked if he ever thought about taking a break from Quinn. And this sweet man literally teared up at the thought. He then goes on to say that he knows what he brings to the lives of so many of his fans. And what if, when someone is having just such a shitty week, they go to Quinn for some comfort and he's not there? He would feel terrible, like he let people.

Ok, so look. The realist in me would just respond with the fact there there is genuinely hours upon hours of content, that missing a drop or two is not the end of the world. But the romantic, the empathetic, part of me? Just feels so much (platonic) love for someone who really see what he's doing as not just building fantasies, but offering help to those who need it. And for that, and that alone, he will always have a fan in me. Because you don't need to look at Quinn like that. But it is that for so many of us and he just really gets it, you know? You don't abandon someone like that.

So, to conclude, I say that I am all in on Eric going all in! I am so excited to see what he has next in store for the world of Quinn, the world of audiobooks, just the world in general. Because it can only be something saucy and fun and the perfect escape we're looking for.

For anyone interested in responding, what are you looking forward to in the future from The Devil of Dublin? I would LOVE to see more collabs, particularly a part 3 to the London Calling series (especially if it ends as a "Why choose?" scenario, though I may spontaneously combust at the idea of both Tom AND Eric). Or perhaps another Devil's Pact, featuring Milo? But I would love to see Golden Retriever Milo in that scenario.

What about you? Let me know, the future is looking so much fun!

[oldschoolfrp]

The Bonerat Caves, an orc settlement (Titan: The Fighting Fantasy World, by Steve Jackson and Ian Livingstone, Puffin Books, 1986)

[all-action-all-picture]

Caverns of the Snow Witch by Ian Livingstone. Fighting Fantasy Gamebook No. 9 from 1984. Cover by Les Edwards, interior illustrations by Gary Ward and Edward Crosby.

[tannersdreamjournal]

4/19/2023

I was part of a underwater cave exploration team. As the new recruit, they were showing me around - how to access the subterranean area and whatnot. The water was full of small stingrays that seemed to be harmless. After submerging and resurfacing (although we had no equipment and I didn’t actually experience having to dive) we came to a darker cavern that reeked of smoke. The boss liked to go there to smoke his cigars, and I berated him for smoking in an enclosed space with limited oxygen. One of the team members might have been my older brother, who looked athletic and had long dark hair and a moustache.

Possibly a new dream or possibly a continuation of the previous one - as I was leaving work, I got lost and ended up in a rural area without my phone. The area was decrepit and there were roving bands of tweakers. An older black gentleman very kindly gave me directions back to Fresno, and I began to follow the railroad tracks back home. I noticed a small hole in the ground near some rocks and the man rushed over to me to stop me from approaching (which was odd because he had previously said he was late for work), and as he came toward me something shot out of the hole and grabbed him. It was a vampire - a young man perhaps my age or a little younger, and he was blond of hair and rabid in demeanor. He tore my savior to shreds :( 

I made it home without being caught by the vampire. In the dream my house had pleasant wood accents, and the exterior looked like it belonged in a subtropical area. There were people over at the house and to my horror, one of them was the vampire from earlier. Even worse, he was my brother also. There was a moment of recognition and he began to follow me away from the dinner table; I ran and flew up in the backyard between the power lines, and I could feel the static. I escaped again and went to Livingstone’s (which had a distinctly Victorian flair to it) and had some drinks and beef dishes. I saw my older brother there but it looked like my younger brother had turned him into a vampire. I had to think of a plan to save myself and my brothers, and fast. (I don’t remember quite what it was or how, but I had a way of tricking my brother into thinking he had made me into a vampire without me actually becoming one). I lured him into a secluded hallway and let him do his thing, which was uncomfortably erotic and I think he actually did desire me carnally in the dream, and I successfully deceived him. He unexpectedly called the head vampire in, and I had to keep the ruse going.

[omnimic]

Caverns of the Snow Witch, the ninth in the original run of Fighting Fantasy Gamebooks, was an expansion of a mini-adventure first published in Warlock Magazine. To be honest, the expansion kind of makes it kind of a tiresome slog in the later stages. 

What sets it apart, however, are the rather unique interior illustrations by Gary Ward and Edward Crosby, which have a bizarre, mediaeval woodcut feel to them (as opposed to the more modern fantasy art of Les Edwards’ cover). Some of the illustrations look a bit silly (the Yeti perhaps, for example), but otherwise, I think they really work. I’m not sure if the work was split between the two artists – some pictures look less stylized than others – or if they were done in collaboration.

[geekynerfherder]

Cover art by Les Edwards for the Wizard Books edition of the Fighting Fantasy Adventure Gamebook 'Caverns Of The Snow Witch', written by Ian Livingstone.

[daenerystargareign]

Deborah Ann Woll and Tommy Walker in The Battle of Livingstone Caverns Part 1 | Relics and Rarities | Episode 6 Part 1.

[weirdletter]

Ave • atque • Vale: Reminiscences of H.P. Lovecraft, edited by S.T. Joshi and David E. Schultz, Necronomicon Press, 2018. Trade paperback and limite edition hardcover, info: necropress.com.

H.P. Lovecraft was one of the most beloved individuals of his era, and many friends, colleagues, and correspondents wrote memoirs of their association with him. This volume, one of the most exhaustive collection of Lovecraft memoirs ever published, gathers together some of the best-known accounts of Lovecraft the man and writer, including W. Paul Cook’s classic In Memoriam: Howard Phillips Lovecraft (1941) and Sonia H. Davis’s The Private Life of H.P. Lovecraft, a moving discussion of her marriage to the Providence writer. Members of the celebrated Kalem Club (Frank Belknap Long, Rheinhart Kleiner, Samuel Loveman, James F. Morton) add their assessments, while such neighbors as Harold W. Munro (Lovecraft’s classmate at Hope Street High School), Clara Hess, and Muriel Eddy offer unique glimpses of Lovecraft’s life in Providence. As Lovecraft became a titan in the world of pulp fiction, such colleagues as Donald Wandrei, E. Hoffmann Price, and H. Warner Munn recounted their recollections. Late in life, Lovecraft became a mentor for a cadre of young fans and writers who were spearheading the fantasy fandom movement, and many of them—R. H. Barlow, Fritz Leiber, Robert Bloch, Kenneth Sterling, and others—told of their memories of the dreamer from Providence. Ave atque Vale has been meticulously edited by S.T. Joshi and David E. Schultz, two of the leading authorities on Lovecraft. They have supplied biographical information on the various authors and annotated each essay thoroughly to explain obscure references and to correct errors. This book will be an invaluable contribution to the study of H.P. Lovecraft.

Contents: Introduction   I. Some Overviews Ave atque Vale! by Edward H. Cole A Few Memories by James F. Morton In Memoriam: Howard Phillips Lovecraft—Recollections, Appreciations, Estimates by W. Paul Cook Howard Phillips Lovecraft by Samuel Loveman Some Random Memories of H.P.L. by Frank Belknap Long A Memoir of Lovecraft by Rheinhart Kleiner The Normal Lovecraft: A Memoir to Restore Balance to the Shade of a Man of Delightful Character by Wilfred B. Talman The Private Life of H.P. Lovecraft by Sonia H. Davis Memories of Lovecraft by Sonia H. Davis Amateur Affairs by Hyman Bradofsky   II. Childhood and Early Adulthood (1890–1922) Lovecraft, My Childhood Friend by Harold W. Munro Letter to Winfield Townley Scott by Clara Hess Little Journeys to the Homes of Prominent Amateurs by Andrew Francis Lockhart Young Man Lovecraft by L. Sprague de Camp From “Further Recollections of Amateur Journalism” by Arthur Goodenough Lovecraft Was My Mentor by Horace L. Lawson 20 Webster Street by George Julian Houtain Howard Phillips Lovecraft: The Sage of Providence by Maurice W. Moe A Tribute from the Past by Ira A. Cole Discourse on H. P. Lovecraft by Rheinhart Kleiner Memories of a Friendship by Alfred Galpin I Met Lovecraft by Paul Livingston Keil   III. Early Professional Career (1923–1930) Howard Phillips Lovecraft by Muriel E. Eddy The Man Who Came at Midnight by Ruth M. Eddy The Kalem Letters by George Kirk Bards and Bibliophiles by Rheinhart Kleiner Lovecraft as a Conversationalist by Samuel Loveman Recollections of H. P. Lovecraft by Vrest Orton H.P. Lovecraft: A Pupil’s View by Zealia Bishop Lovecraft in Providence by Donald Wandrei H.P.L.: A Reminiscence by H. Warner Munn One Day in the Life of H. P. Lovecraft by Frank Belknap Long   IV. Later Years (1931–1937) An Interview with Harry K. Brobst by Will Murray The Sage of College Street Howard Phillips Lovecraft H.P. Lovecraft the Man by E. Hoffmann Price Idiosyncrasies of H.P.L. by Ernest A. Edkins Some Memories of H.P.L. by Helen V. Sully Three Hours with H.P. Lovecraft by Dorothy C. Walter [Memories of HPL (1934)] The Wind That Is in the Grass: A Memoir of H.P. Lovecraft in Florida by Robert H. Barlow Letter to Fantasy Commentator by Robert Bloch H.P. Lovecraft as I Knew Him by Duane W. Rimel Caverns Measureless to Man by Kenneth Sterling Interlude with Lovecraft by Stuart M. Boland Lovecraft’s First Book by William L. Crawford My Correspondence with Lovecraft by Fritz Leiber Miscellaneous Impressions of H.P.L. by Marian F. Bonner A Glimpse of H.P.L. by Mary V. Dana The Last of H.P. Lovecraft by John B. Michel   V. Brief Tributes Howard P. Lovecraft [1890–1937] by Walter J. Coates From “More Regrettable Passings” by Arthur Harris Howard Phillips Lovecraft by Charles W. Smith O Artemidorus, Farewell! by Ernest A. Edkins From Maurice Moe’s Son by Donald J. Moe A Walk in the Field by George W. Macauley Letter to Weird Tales by Hazel Heald Letter to Weird Tales by Robert Bloch In Memoriam: H. P. Lovecraft Letter to Weird Tales Letter to Science-Fiction Critic by Clark Ashton Smith Howard Phillips Lovecraft by Donald A. Wollheim A Tribute to Lovecraft by Robert W. Lowndes The Genius of Lovecraft by Henry George Weiss (Francis Flagg)   VI. Poetic Tributes Elegy in Spring by August Derleth To H.P.L. by Samuel Loveman To Howard Phillips Lovecraft by Clark Ashton Smith Biographical Notes Bibliography Index

[the-firebird69]

Marcus Welby, M.D. - Wikipedia

This looks like a member of my client or my race and Hera is this is Niko aka Stephen segal and yes Jonathan living Livingston seagull and you make fun of him because you put them in these stories haven't revealed stuff and force him to make weaponry and programs that will help you and you steal them and like you're retarded people because of trump you squander them and his squandered a lot of your shatter dome and we hope you continue. But here's a kicker you look at him and yes my dad started this paragraph and I'm handling it and look at me and you think oh we can capture them like them and you look at Ken say the same thing okay it's in a situation but we're not the same kind as you furthermore we don't really understand why you would want to kidnap us we don't have any value when we're under dress and right now you're doing it and there's no value and you say that's why I will kidnap you or arrest you trumped up some charges all sorts of b******* so you're just going to sit there and sit on doing it so you're going to have like nothing so you ruined our lives and we want our lives back so we called the foreigners and you're just waiting they're doing stuff to you you're falling the number of shattered on them are beginning to cave in no they're falling the two in Brazil are their massive siege the southern one is being attacked by almost everyone they heard our sons announcement our my husband that is he wishes I'll stop saying that our son's stuff. But truthfully your way of course with us and you're hurting relatives who are your loyal soldiers I'm not really sure why no we understand it you're stupid and the influence of idiots you can't even control your bowels or the daily events cuz he's retards take up all your time you don't care cuz you think you're hiding when you're really just losing all your stuff you're going to have to make sure it happens so you don't have any power the harnesses harm us with in the end

Hera

Zues

There are a few things I should mention the southernmost shatteredome in Brazil is in our possession and we're clearing it out he sent his team down there Savage opress to kick its ass and there's not much stuff left on there it got all used up so we don't know what people are talking about and then the one to the north is being ripped out now I said that a few days ago and it's still going on but yeah the one to the South is being inundated with people in the top side and they're getting annhialated. To him that we need to secure the place make sure it stays hours and with a lot of troops so we're going to do that may as well even you put up a wall the surprise there isn't one and that'll attract a whole bunch of people so we're going to do that now

Some other shattered of them are hours and people are saying they're not like in Brazil I didn't say the northern was ours I said it's emptying and they're not refilling it because they aren't but we did kick the lawn out in Norway Denmark Sweden and they'll be empty tonight and in Europe it's empty slowly me too emptying the two South Atlantic and they might not refill the same with the Pacific four then the one near the UK is emptying all the time and refilling. A lot of Max depart shatteredome and head towards UK and put it in there it's a water Castle it's a water cavern and their watertight but you have to treat it and coat it and the stuff stinks but they do it anyways since gigantic cavern it's like 100 miles deep and 500 miles wide tons and tons of Jager and robots are in there they heard the message too so they're trying to go to the bottom it's a huge fight now.

California shatteredome is emptying yes it's going to the Gulf the same will happen with the North and South Pacific and even the North and South Atlantic it's going to be a long haul here they are trying to refill it over and over he says no way North Atlantic empties I mean North Pacific empty sorry an empty out Utah California send me out there the South Atlanta Pacific will try and refill Utah and then maybe other areas too the golf and the east

We agree with you and they're going to try and pull from foreign areas too let's put this together cuz he's got an idea you only needs a brief window and he can fly out early if you have to buy one of our fly cars

Thor Freya

[sfgooglebooks]

Misspelled: Trippingly off the Tongue by Lesley D. Livingston, pages 6-7, 9, 10-11, 12, 14, 15-16

"Here. I've been working on this. A pinch of powder up the left nostril ought to do," he said as he poured from a thin, blown-glass vial into the palm of Mickey's hand.

Mickey sighed and, pinching her right nostril shut, snorted the sparkly purple crystals, trying hard not to sneeze as she felt the tingly snap of synapses rearranging themselves ever so slightly deep within the vault of her skull. "Huzzah," she cheered blandly, eyeing the demon with mixed skepticism and gratitude. "I'm cured."

"Oops."

"'Oops'?" Mickey asked warily. "What 'oops'?"

Vinx looked like he was trying really hard not to bust out laughing again. "When you said 'cured,' just now, you meant 'like bacon.'"

"I did not."

"Did. And that is, in fact, a homonym." He popped the cork on the vial again. Did I say left nostril or right?"

"You said 'left.'"

"As in 'I left a package at the door.'" The demon pointed at the novice spell-slinger with moderate triumph. "See? You're speaking in homonyms. I should have said 'right.'"

Mickey ground her teeth and snorted purple crystals again. "As in - I'm gonna tear your head right off if this doesn't work?"

"Ah - see!" Vinx slapped his massive palms together, beaming benevolently at his fellow student. "All better!"

"Lucky for you."

"Now. Where were we?"

"Still stuck in a  cave..." Mick grumbled, now thoroughly mired in ill-humor.

______________________________________

"This project is, after all, the kind of casting you're fond of - a protection spell to ward against the blackest of sorceries."

"Sure it is," Mickey sighed, surveying the staggering array of toxic and otherwise injurious articles arranged on the table. "Only that it just happens to employ deadly poisons and other noxious substances in the process. Really, I'm tickled." She already decided against all of the assorted weaponry - it wasn't her style. Too much collateral mess. Toxins were just that much tidier, she thought as she unstoppered the clay pot and wrinkled up her nose, sniffing with great caution at the contents. The odor was pungent - sharp and bitter. "Wormwood. Isn't that the stuff in absinthe?"

"Makes the heart grow fonder..." Vinx fluttered his wiry eyelashes.

"That was terrible," Mickey groaned and resealed the pot.

"And the mind go wander..."

"Stop it."

______________________________________

Mickey ran her fingertip along a line of spidery calligraphy on the weathered page of the ancient spellbook. Her eyes were stinging and there was an itchiness in her sinuses that was either an oncoming cold or - and this was probably a good deal more likely - she was allergic to one or more of the ingredients in Vinx's purple whammy-dust. Great. Just what she needed - another distraction. She pushed aside the sense of discomfort and furrowed her brow with renewed concentration. She really hoped she could nail this amulet spell, mostly because if she didn't, there was no way she could pull her sagging grades out of the fire. The Conclave would fail her. And that was not a prospect that rewarded protracted mulling. Mickey scrunched up her nose, snuffled fiercely, increased brow-furrow depth by 10 percent, and calmly asked her demon helpmate to hand her the next candidate ingredient.

______________________________________

"So tell me, Vinx, just what are the proper proportions for-" she translated from the Latin automatically "-Destroying Angel? Sounds delightful. What is that, exactly?"

"What does it look like?"

She lifted the lid and peered inside. A fecund, peaty smell assaulted her nostrils. The box was half full of soil from which sprouted a solitary occupant.

"A mushroom, Vinx?" Mickey said, raising an eyebrow. "An armed and dangerous side dish? I'm terrified. Truly."

"Would you care to test that theory?" Vinx leaned closer, fetid demon breath undisguised by the handful of catmint he'd filched from the stores of herbs and had been munching onn idly.

Mickey blinked, eyes and nasal passages burning. "Uhh... I don't like mushrooms."

______________________________________

Mickey plucked up the branch and placed it in a shallow bronze dish. "Is the circle ready?"

"Drawn from the finest sea salt and bonemeal."

"Why do you always have to make it sound like you're baking cookies when you spell-cast?" Mickey sniffed, her head feeling stuffy.

"Would you rather have me intone gravely and with menace?"

"Uh... no. Actually. Cookies are good." She put the dish down in the center of the circle. The pressure in her sinuses was actually becoming painful. Concentrate, dammit! Mickey admonished herself sternly.

______________________________________

The thing about casting, Mickey always thought, was that to the untrained eye it looked so damned easy. A few ingredients, a couple of muttered phrases, and whammo! - instant spell. Except that everything important that took place in a casting really went on behind the scenes - in the spell-caster's mind and heart. Even in her or his soul for some spells. That was the hard part. The words? They were more of a focus for the power. A lens used to capture the picture. Which was why spell chants could come off as a little... dull. And that was the reason so many sorcerers spoke their spells in Latin. Or ancient Greek or Gaelic. Mickey even knew one hotshot who did all his casting in Toltec - and he was from Winnipeg! Contrarian that she was, Mickey did all of hers in plain ol' English. With really simple rhymes. Because - hey - just 'cause they were the easy part, it didn't mean you couldn't seriously screw them up.

She took a deep breath.

From the corner of her eye, she saw Vinx lean forward.

"Fire burn bright!" she began.

"Flame burn true!" She wished her nose would stop itching.

"Keep me from harm-" Oh, God! Not now- the sound of her sneeze echoed off the cavern roof, and a cloud of sparkly purple danced before her eyes. There was a tingling in her skull, but she pushed on, desperate to finish the chant. "-ashes of you!"

And Vinx burst instantly into flame.

[pandemicperipatetics]

Year in Review: Best of Our Peripatetic Road Trip

We had hoped our travels would help us to get to know the U.S. a bit more, and maybe even stumble upon new places where we might want to spend more time in the future. There is still so much for us to explore, even within the places we visited, but on the one-year anniversary of the start of our travels, this post is about the highlights of our peripatetic year.

CITIES

Best Overall City: Bend (OR)

Deer hanging out in our front yard in Sunriver (where we stayed, 20 mins from Bend)

Most Underrated City: Houston

Most Overrated City: New Orleans

Walking around the French Quarter in early February

Least Favorite City: El Paso (Runner Up: Wichita (KS))

Most Random Town: Marfa (TX) 

Quirkiest City: Missoula (MT)

Best Drivers: Seattle

Worst Drivers: El Paso or Los Angeles

Worst Traffic: Los Angeles (Runner Up: Phoenix)

Best Downtown Parking: Scottsdale

Worst Downtown Parking: Seattle

Cleanest City: Phoenix/Scottsdale

Dirtiest City: Portland

Friendliest People: Portland

Scariest Dogs: El Paso

Most Cautious about COVID-19: Seattle

Least Cautious about COVID-19: Shreveport (LA) (Runner Up: Oklahoma City)

Most Scenic: Bend (Runner Up: Missoula)

We didn’t take many photos of Bend itself, but the stunning Painted Hills were a ~2 hour drive from Bend 

Missoula

Best Access to the Outdoors: Denver (Runners Up: Missoula, Seattle)

Hiking at Red Rocks near Denver

Most History: Montgomery

Nicest State Capitol: Oklahoma City

FOOD & DRINK

Best Overall Vegan/Vegetarian Food: Portland or Los Angeles

The garlic knots at Virtuous Pie were incredible

Most Unexpectedly Good Meal: Sabai Thai (Port Angeles, WA)

Best Tex Mex: Austin (obvi)

Best Brewery Scene: Bend

We were partial to the Ludwig at Deschutes Brewery in Bend

Best Cocktails: Portland (specifically a phenomenal bar called Deadshot)

NATIONAL PARKS

Best National Park: Yellowstone (Runners Up: Glacier, Banff)

Yellowstone

Glacier

Most Underrated National Park: Big Bend (Runner Up: Guadalupe Mountains)

Hiking at Big Bend

Guadalupe Mountains was surprisingly awesome as well!

Least Favorite National Park: Hot Springs (Runner Up: Everglades, but way nicer than Hot Springs)

The best view we could find at Hot Springs

Best National Park Town: Banff (Runners Up: Jackson Hole (WY), Port Angeles (WA))

Least Favorite National Park Town: Packwood, WA (by Mount Rainier)

Best Hike: Grinnell Glacier Trail (Glacier) or Skyline Trail (Mount Rainier) (Runner Up: Teahouses Trail at Banff National Park)

Grinnell Glacier

Wildflowers along the Skyline Trail in September

Best Lakes: Lake Louise & Lake Agnes at Banff (Runner Up: Crater Lake (OR))

Lake Louise

Best Waterfall: Takakkaw Falls (Yoho National Park)

Best Camping: Big Bend (Disclaimer: We only camped at a few places...but they were all pretty awesome)

Most Variety: Yellowstone

Best Wildlife: Yellowstone (Runners Up: Glacier, Rocky Mountain)

Bison in Yellowstone

Highest Elevation: Rocky Mountain

OTHER

Prettiest Drive: From Denver to Jackson Hole or From Yellowstone to Livingston (MT) (Runner Up: Flagstaff to Abilene via Gallup, NM)

Prettiest Non-National Park Hiking: Sedona

Best City Hike: Camelback Mountain in Phoenix

Best Botanical Garden: Phoenix (Runner Up: Denver)

Best Water Experience: Tubing in Missoula (MT)

Best Sand: White Sands National Park (NM)

Best Beach: Rialto Beach (Olympic National Park)

Best Cave (only cave?): Carlsbad Caverns National Park (NM)

Best Island: Bainbridge Island (WA)

Best Pier: Couer d’Alene (ID)

Best Airbnb: Woodstock (GA)

Our cozy living room in Woodstock, GA

[suburbass]

D4NCE B3FOЯE THE POLiCE COME !!! ☢ ☣ ²³ Famous paint from Les Edwards, album artwork for The Prodigy – Music for the Jilted Generation, 1994 Copyright © http://www.lesedwards.com + © XL Recordings, 1994. Just to remind you the origin of this picture and also the fact that the Prodigy are coming from the underground rave scene in the early 1990s, After Experience and the run of singles that accompanied it, The Prodigy moved to distance themselves from the "kiddie rave" reputation that now dogged them. The rave scene was beginning to move on from its hardcore phase, with the Criminal Justice Act's "anti-rave" legislation on the horizon, calling rave music "repetitive beats". The Prodigy responded to the bill by writing "Their Law". *about Les Edward:Les Edwards (born 1949) is a British illustrator known for his work in the horror, science fiction and fantasy genres, and has provided numerous illustrations for book jackets, posters, magazines, record covers and games during his career. In addition to working under his actual name, he also uses the pseudonym Edward Miller to paint in a different style and to overcome restrictions placed on him by his association with horror. He has won the British Fantasy Society award for Best Artist seven times, and was awarded the World Fantasy Award in 2008. He made also so known covers and poster like : - Cabal (film) (poster) - The Thing (film, 1982) (poster) - Metallica- "Jump in the Fire" 1983 (cover) - Clive Barker -"Books of Blood", "Son Of Celluloid", "Rawhead Rex" - Conan le Barbare - Mick Garris -"Development Hell" - Nancy Lamb (R. G. Austin) -"Ten-Ton Monster" - Ian Livingstone -"Caverns of the Snow Witch" #rave #raveon #raveparty #teuf #teknival #freeparty #raveculture #dancebeforethepolicecome #fightforyourrighttoparty #cjb #criminaljusticeact https://www.instagram.com/p/CQ3ZdVFhXaL/?utm_medium=tumblr

[drivelikeaminister]

The Promise and Challenge of Easter

Today I share a powerful poem about Easter from my colleague the Rev. Dr. Hilary Livingston and my reflection.  Thank you Hilary for preaching the good and hard news!

Go Tell My Brothers A poem about Mary Magdalene proclaiming Christ’s resurrection to the other apostles. Some refer to Mary Magdalene as “Apostle to the Apostles” for being the first to tell the news of Christ’s resurrection to the others. Her message was not believed at first: “But these words seemed to them an idle tale…” (Luke 24:11). This poem is based upon a synthesis of the resurrection accounts, but primarily is taken from John 20:11-18. “He said, ‘Go tell my brothers…’” Her breathless voice, still quavering, Words tumbling forth from her lips like water gushing from a spout, too fast and forceful to take in.

Heavy stone rolled away, Empty tomb, Bundled graveclothes, Linen wrappings strewn about, Angelic beings, dazzling in white.

The words tumbled faster, as if dumped from a bucket onto the dry earth In rivers flowing every which way Until hitting a wall, stopping abruptly.

She looked up at their faces, frozen in incredulity. Blank with puzzled bewilderment. Disturbed, Bemused, Feigning interest, Like small children being told a whimsical fairy tale at bedtime. Regrouping, drawing a breath, she repeated,

“He said, ‘Go tell my brothers…’”

As if saying it out loud again would convince them. She knew it wouldn’t. Before she could speak again, Peter raised his hand, halting her, “Mary, you are hysterical, delusional… Such words…such a scene…”

Pulse quickening, heart racing, eyes frantically searching, Desperately seeking some recognition, Some understanding, Yet finding none.

James could not bring himself to look up at her. John simply turned away, shaking his head. With greater clarity and determination, Mustering her last ounce of determination, she spoke,

“He said, ‘Go tell my brothers…’”

“Go home, Mary,” Peter interrupted. “Go home.” “You’re not well. You haven’t slept. None of us have. You and he were close, Especially close. This has been hard on you, On all of us.”

She bit her lip, face flushed and red. Peter’s gaze turned to one of condescending sympathy, “Mary, please don’t misunderstand…It’s just…well… Women are such emotional creatures, you know. We want to believe you, But…”

Mary relented. Questioned. Doubted. Did she not see? Did she not hear?

Her mind flashed back to the garden, The early rays of sun cutting through the cold, grey mist. In her mind’s eye, clearly recalling The damp ground, The pungent spices, The massive stone Now rolled to one side, The cavernous empty grave, The remnants of what was once there. The grief, The confusion, The relief, The wonder, The joy, The sound of her own name.

“Mary,” he said. Her eyes ablaze with wonder. Her hands trembling, Clinging to him for dear life, Lest he slip away from her into the mist. “Do not hold onto me, Mary…” Hands still clinging, her gaze met his, Wordless, with loving affirmation, As if to say, It’s okay, Mary. You can do this.” Releasing her grip on him,

He said, “Go tell my brothers.”

- Rev. Dr. Hilary Livingston

_______________________________________________________

It’s Easter!  A time of celebration, of hope and life, a time of mystery and wonder, of light and peace.  Easter is when we come together with joy and say that good wins over evil.  We stand here and witness the miracle of new sun and chirping birds in the midst of those who have lived before us.  We get together with family and hunt for eggs, symbols and expectations for new life.

So why, then, is Rev. Hilary’s poem not about that celebration, that joy and awe at life winning over heartache and despair?  Because there is still despair and heartache.  Because there is still injustice in our world; there is still injustice in our hearts.  And we need to see the despair and heartache and injustice and pain.  We need to recognize those failings before we are able to work toward new life and redemptive grace.

For women all over the world this is not something new.  For people of color, people who are gay, people who are transgender, people with disabilities, immigrants, refugees... for anyone who has ever been on the edge.... this is not new.  You have a story, your story, your truth.  And you aren’t believed.

From the Gospel of Luke: “Now it was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the other women with them who told this to the apostles.  But these words seemed to them an idle tale, and they did not believe them.”  (Luke 24:11, NRSV).  This was the apostles who didn’t believe, those men who were supposed to be Jesus’s closest followers and strongest allies.  They did not believe the women.  The men did not believe the women.  That is not a new story. In some versions Peter goes to see for himself, in others Thomas needs physical proof.

Oh, the parallels are so painful.  “You say that you were harassed?  Where’s the proof?”  “You say that people treat you differently and even meanly because your skin is dark?  That’s not true, we are in a post racial society.”  “Your inner self is shouting out and screaming that the sex you were born does not match who you are?  It’s a phase and I’m sure you’ll come to accept who you are.”

These statements are only hypothetical in their brevity and infrequency.  Think of when you have been ignored over and over and over.  Or if you are privileged enough to not be able to think of an example, imagine what that would feel like.  This is not new in our culture, and was not new at the time of Jesus’s death.  When the Gospels were written women were not even eligible to testify in a court of law.  Mary knew that she would be questioned and ignored. People now know their truths will be questioned and ignored.

What does this mean for us?  What does it mean on a day of joy and life and celebration?  It means that our work is not done.  It means that the story of Jesus’s death and rise was not just about him and his ministry.  The story of Easter is taking the entire world, the entire human built system and shaking it up and trying as best we can to create the Kingdom of God now, and here.

I am steeped in privilege, from who I am and what I look like.  That is my reality.  My Easter challenge is to step back, to let go of or to give away my privilege.

I don’t need to speak up more, so I’ll end reminded us that there is hope.  There is hope and the message holds true that good can still win over evil.  It just will take more work on our part than having a stone rolled away for us.  We need to roll back the stone ourselves, and some of us need to get out of the way of that stone being rolled.  Easter is challenging, it is hopeful - there is work to be done, love can win.

[vanguard2814]

Fifth time's the charm?

[tristanlovesthequeen]

Son/of/Aragon

Son of Aragon

Episode 1

We find Basels son Sergio on horseback on the path to the brewery. There are moths and pollen in the air, everywhere there is beauty. The world whispers.  

Besel:  Hello, dear reader, I am Basel the ancient wizard.  I have gone on holiday, away from general wizardry and heroism to stay with my dear friends.  Who are they?  The elven monks who run the brewery Eastvleteran, the namesake of which is also a drink which I helped invent.

(Enter into Basel's chamber where he is working on an illuminated manuscript.  Tic toc tic toc a timer is ticking in the background. The timer dings)!

Basel:  Ahh time for dinner to be cooked.  (Puts rabbit chunks in pot of stew.  Sets aside rabbit skin in a bowl).  That will be for the rabbit skin glue.  We'll let that churn a bit.  Ah yes, now back to my manuscript.  What's the occasion you say?  Behold...(Basel sits at desk, page zooms in on manuscript page.

(In story mode)

Basel:  It all started with an empty amulet.  The amulet was a gift from the elven god Adrifan, god of the ether realm to his love interest, the the high priestess of the celts, Apixa.  Her beauty was reknowned throughout heaven and earth.  She was born of this world from the stamen of a forest flower, fertilized by a sacred spirit, who was rebirthed as a bee on his visit from the heavens.  Her family were the fairies who lived in the woods that encapsulated this forest flower.  The elf found her one day while hunting geese at a nearby pond.  He saw her amongst the tall reeds bathing.  It was love at first sight.  You may wonder what this has to do with anything.  It is an ancient elven secret that the monks have kept.  On every anniversary of the meeting of Adrifan and Apixa, a warrior who is righteous in spirit and will retrieve the amulet from the sacred place, and return it to the elven kingdom for the ceremony of restoration.  The transporters of the heart will receive knighthood in the elven kingdom and the ceremony brings purity back to the elves.

  (Three raps at the door and  Basel answers to find Sergio at the door).  

Basel:  Sergio my boy!  I've been expecting you!  Come right in, you are most welcome.

(Sergio is not the only one looking for Basel.  A demi-vampire has been  following Sergio through the woods in the form of a bat).  

Sergio and Basel sit down to Mugwort tea.  

Sergio:  (Holding cup).  How have you been pop?  

Basel:  (Takes sip).  I'm glad you asked.  It was happenstance that I found myself in Whimzleton at the National Gallery in a meeting with the portraits of the Greats.  While discussing Fair Trade Diamonds, a thief stole a minor work called “Reclining Nude of Grizelda,” done by the late fauvist painter Rees Van Livingston, c. 1905.  He was attacked by a museum guard with a billyclub, poor boy, and as he fell, he ripped right through the canvas face first.  This, of course, was in front of the fair trade diamond protest of the gnomes of the North, which is why I was there in the first place. The leader of the protest started to shout on his blowhorn, which aggrivated the guard.  People started to argue which was disrupting my meeting, and, before a riot could assue, I cast a spell to freeze time.  I cast another spell that healed the thief, flawlessly stitched the painting, and wiped the memories of the crowd.  When the authorities arrived, everyone was very confused as to why the thief was carrying the painting through the museum in the first place, casually observing the main hall.  He was arrested on the spot and the painting was returned to the museum, an amalgam of errors easily removed.

Stake:  (Arrives at window as a bat). Screech Screech!

Basel:  (Noticing window). Stake!  Show your true form my lad, you could have given an old wizard like me a cardiac arrest!  Not that I would succumb to such candor.  (Opens door).

(The bat turns into his elf-like form).

Basel:  Ah good, just in time for supper.  Stake, would you come in?

Stake:  I thought you'd never ask.  

Basel:  (Takes sip from ladle over stove).  Please sit, the rabbit stew is ready.  (Places a bowl of stew in front of Sergio and one in front of Stake with a spoon.  Sergio begins to slurp).

Sergio:  How do you two know each other?

Basel:  Stake is a knight here on elven territory.

Sergio:  Then why was he...(motions toward window).

Stake:  I am also part vampire.  I'd say, half elf, half vampire. Dema-elf.  After all my years as a knight, I have been assigned this year to retrieve the sacred amulet due to my condition as a vampire. After the way my wife and I were transformed, the elven society believes my life to be unhealthy.  The constant blood lust is the source of constant ridicule for my fellow knights, however shallow it may be.  So I have come to find you, Sergio, to accompany me on this quest.

Basel:  The high priestess has given me a wind chime that enchants the spirit, allows one to see the location of the amulet, the prize gift from the warrior spirit.  I will be your guide.

Sergio:  Wait what?  I was eating soup.  

Basel:  I said you're going on this trip, it will be a great diservice to everyone if--

Sergio:  Relax, I heard you the first time.  Why me?

Stake:  Given your superior strengths as a wizard--

Sergio:  Yeah, I got ya, very powerful mage, yadda yadda, when do we leave?

(They set off on their journey  Sergio on a giant lion.  Stake is a bat.  First location is the forest.  They travel along the coast and stop for the night).

Stake:  Let's stop for the night, we'll resume tomorrow.  

Sergio:  Oh you mean we'll be alive tomorrow?  Super.

Stake:  Mmmaybe.  I will.  You might not make it.

(Stake and Sergio set up camp and Stake start to read by the fire).

Sergio:  (In a thought bubble).  Sometimes I start to read and realize the words are about me.  Take for example, this part of the book.  This actually happened to me.  I must be famous or something.

(In the text)  There was one time when I tried to get Satan Himself to help stop my pop from controlling Earth realm.  He was offended. And when Satan is offended, all hell breaks loose, literally.

(Sergio hides behind a 1968 Pontiac GTO waiting to attack.  Bullets fly over him.  He is in Hell.  Hell looks like a cavern underneath the earth.  He pops up and shoots flame from his hands at his attacker who is Satan.  

Satan leaps into the air with a tommy gun narrowly avoiding Sergio's attack.  He lands in a drop kick knocking Sergio flat.

Sergio kip ups and one of Satan's minions tries to run him over in an El Dorado Super Sport.  Sergio back flips over the car and it t-bones into the shelled out GTO.  The minion is dead, smashed through the glass, on the hood.

Sergio:  Just come with me politely and I won't fry you to a crisp.

Satan:  What am I a cuck, Sergee?  How long have I known thee?

The devil spins into the air letting out a spiral of bullets.

Serge leaps under the devil, grabs his legs and slams him into the hood of the GTO with a cold shoulder.  

Satan: Yowee!!

Sergio:  You goddamn snake!  Keep off me!

(They roll off the hood of the car and the devil gun butts Sergio's jaw.  Serge puts his two hands to the devil's gut and torches him up into the air.  Faroosh!  Cut to devil's face, it says radio edit over his mouth like a type writer.  Devil lands on his feet with a crunch! It cracks the ground).  

Satan:  You think you can contain me?  I am the devil!

Serge snaps his fingers and a diver's cage drops on the devil.  

Satan:  Daww. (Slumps in cage) So anyways... (walks out of cage through front door).  May I offer you a cigar?  (Take out couple of cigars).

Sergio:  Naw I don't smoke.  Spits.  Wipes mouth.

Satan:  If you say you don't.  What is it that you want me to do Sergio?  (Checks scratch on arm).  

Sergio:  It's my Dad, he's attempting to take over Earth realm again.  I need--

Satan: Eh, you want.

Sergio: I want you to come serve him up a slice of devil's pie.

Satan:  With you?  Please, Sergee, what a bum you're being.  Who am I with?  I live in hell!  I'm the guy that never leaves, y'know Prince of Darkness, has wife, grandkids, little brats, minions, y'know the whole shebang.  What do I care what goes on on Earth?  I live in the immortal afterrealm.  You're threatening my whole way of being, here.

Sergio:  Don't be a dipshit.  The more deaths there are on earth caused on Earth by my father, the larger his undead army will become, his army will become stronger while your army diminishes.

Satan:  What has he lost his shit again?  In other words hell on earth.  Look kid, I'm already slaying princess Leia, my army of minions is well established and only really comes in handy when fighting against the heavens.  Hell on Earth?  Let those guys deal with it (points upward)

Sergio:  Forget I even asked.  Thanks for the fight.

Stake:  (In a thought bubble).  I have on occasion, dealt with the devil, and like all full blooded vampires, he only cares for himself.  

Sergio:  (In a thought bubble).  Can't say I care for him.   (Voice bubble) One thing I have been meaning to ask you, can't believe I didn't get around to it sooner, you're a daywalker right?  (Lays back on Leo).

Stake:  Correct.  I would consider myself half elf.  That is elven born.  It is for this reason that I haven't completely been overcome by vampire desires.  (Fades to dream)  In 1869 I was to be married to an elven princess.  Her beauty was unparalleled.   We were madly in love and would often take trysts in the forest where we would... shag about.  I was to travel off to war with the elven army, the king had made plans with the gnomes to sell one thousand pieces of elven chain mail and they had scoffed at his offer, saying gnomish grade metal would suffice.  On top of that a gnome had seduced an elvish chambermaid during his stay at a hospital on our land.  Needless to say, a victorian era elven king is not the most easygoing person hood, and in the face of the gnomes' offense, he called for a draconian response.  Before we set off, and before she could pout, I asked her to be my bride.  She said yes!  I was so enthusiastic I asked for the royal hall to throw a ball after the wedding ceremony. That night, as my wife lay awake in anticipation.

Vive:  I desire, half crack!  A vampire in the form of a bat sat outside her window.  

Vampire:  Dear little, wife, how my soul aches for thee.  It is I, Pavel, ahem I mean Stake, wouldn't you care to see me before the wedding.  I can give you what you desire...

Vive:  No you can't! (crosses arms and starts to pout)

(Door starts to open with a creak)

SERGIO:  Wait, what?  A vampire, that seems a tad bit random.  

STAKE:  Almost.  In a battle with Aragon's army, I had decapitated a warrior king.  I later found out that with a few stitches and Aragon's magic he had been ressurected as a vampire-drago, vampire of dragon blood.  From then on he had been stalking us, I had felt evil eyes watching from afar, feeling his cries that he would someday come for my bride.

SERGIO:  Devilish.  So she turned into a vampire?

STAKE:  Yesssss.  Unfortunately the bite on her neck is not all he left with.  (Stake looks down and tears start to fall from his wincing face).  I still recognized her as my bride as did the royal court and that night we attended the royal ball although shaken by the events prior to the wedding.  She seemed faint and not all there. Frowns were upon us.  

Ball attendee 1:  She was raped (Turns back to wife)

Ball attendee 2:  She sees someone else (Turns back to husband)

Ball attendee 3:  You gave her to him.  He impaled her mouth with his--

(Stake and Vive hand in hand start to frown)

(Focus on their hands clasped, they start to squeeze)

Stake: She whispered to me...

Vive:  You are my fate, live with me forevermore as my sex slave, and I will seduce you every night.  We will make deep passionate love in every sect of our chambers.  I want you in between my thighsss...”

Stake:  How was I to live without my beautiful wife, as vampirellic as she was, and with that we kissed as she sunk her teeth into my tongue.  (DREAM SEQUENCE ENDS)

SERGIO:  What happened to the vampire that turned her?

STAKE:  I still feel his taunts, he is seldomly ever seen or heard from, especially not in the elven kingdom and as a vampire I feel akin to him in some ways which makes it impossible to kill him.

SERGIO:  So why seek the amulet?

STAKE:  It will cure my bloodlust and that of my wife.  The elves still ridicule me even though it is under their breath.  Once worn one is immediately cured from that which guilts him.  Only those who know it's true location can don it, and it is said to bring euphoria to those who wear it, which might make it difficult to take off.

SERGIO:  Sounds interesting.  Well I'm feeling glum.  Time for me nap.

(Dream Sequence)

(Sergio sees Aragon at his crystal ball.  A  covered with hands appears and it is Basel ringing the windchime.  He turns.

Basel:  Sergio my dear boy!  So glad I have found you.  (Dog barks). Down girl down!  Good girl.  You deserve a treat.  The ring of the windchime is leading us out of the forest to the city of Yarx.  You and Stake should have no trouble finding it if you continue east. Watch for the temple in the midst of the forest.

Crystal ball starts to crack and Aragon's eyes roll back as he faints.  Dream fades and it is dawn.  Serge yawns and stretches.   He is propped on Leo.  She opens one eye and goes back to sleep.  He has been riding the lion since he was a boy and they have a deep bond. Whatever happens to the lion in essence happens to Sergio.  Stake is still asleep.  He farts.  There is a raccoon corpse next to him drained from the night before.  A nightingale lands on his napsack and starts to sing green sleeves.  He hisses and snatches at it with his eyes closed and it flies away.  He is awake.  Serge throws some beans and eggs on the griddle atop the fire.))

Serge:  Want some?

Stake:  Yes'm.

Serge:  Basel contacted me in a dream.  We're to head east to Yarx.

((Cut to scene of tavelling through jungle.  Sergio is on the lion, Stake is flying as a bat.  We're going on a lion hunt.  Trudge, trudge, trudge.  A hidden temple!  Can't go under it.  Trudge, trudge, trudge.  Can't go through it.  Trudge, trudge, trudge.  Gotta go over it!  Trudge.  They hike up the temple steps into the throne room.  It is made of stone with torches alight along the walls. There are one million bananas in a pile against the back wall.))

Tiger:  Roarr!  ((A tiger runs out at them and the lion leaps in front of her bucking Sergio onto the ground.  They get up into each other's personal spaces and grapple.  RAWOORAWOO!  A banana salesman boomerangs a banana at the tiger.

Banana salesman:  Now Catsy!  That's not how we treat our new guests!  (Wearing underwear.  Pets Catsy under jaw as she purrs.) I've been in this temple hoarding bananas.  It is how I gain my bride.  Do you know how long it takes to hoard a million bananas? Speak!

Serge:  Can't say.

Banana Salesman:  (Putting on overalls) Not that long actually.  You see they're everywhere.  Me and Catsy here maintain the stock.  What brings you to the jungle?

Sergio:  We're on our way to Yarx coming from an elven monastery. This is the only way through.  I'm Sergio, this is Stake.

Banana salesman:  How about the cat?

Sergio:  The lion's name is Castle.

Banana salesman:  My name is True.  I'm actually on my way to Yarx. I've got a big rig.  If you help me load the bananas I'd be more than happy to take you the rest of the way.  (Stake and Serge look at each other and shrug.)

True:  Load em up!! (True has created an incredible machine to load the bananas.  Serge pops a balloon with a force wave.  A feather escapes and tickles the toes of a sleeping nymph.  She laughs and sits up hitting her heard on a platform.  A can of beans rolls off and falls into a glass.  The platform sinks and releases a machete that swings cutting the rope of a catapult that sends a nymph in a helmet flying over with a parachute and a blowhorn

Nymph:  Move em out cows go go go!

(They are frightened and start galloping off.  They are tied to a net containing a gigantic load of bananas.  They split up and the bananas are hoisted onto the back of the big rig.  Another nymph closes the pull down and locks the back. True ends with a glass of milk.  Aaahhh.  Serge and Stake look at each other and high five.)

Episode 4

(Serge has fallen asleep in the cockpit of the vehicle.  He begins to dream.  Drream sequence begins)  Basel is on a fixed gear. He stops to do a trackstand.  Does tailspin hopping over handlebars and lands in a trackstand.  He begins to ride.  He is dressed in full messenger attire.  

Basel:  Hey Serge, I hear you're gonna be in Yarx, hit me up dude! I've got a document here for you that I''ve delivered to Merril's, it's an old stationary store that we used to rack from.  It's a right of passage that you will need to get you to the Amulet of the Sacred Heart.  I'll explain more later.  Toodles, I gotta get tatted after my next run.

Serge awakens and True has arrived at a small shack where he is selling off the load of bananas to a business owner.  He climbs to the top of the truck and opens the back letting the bananas slide all over the ground.

True:  Enjoy! (He says with a smile.  He hops back in the truck.) Hey thanks again for coming with.  I have one small errand to run.

Stake:  Which isss?

True:  To find my wife.  

The Legend Of ETF (Truck drives into the distance)

Stake:  Mind if we come with?

True:  Not at all.  I could use the company actually, she stays with a graffiti crew whose name is  ETF, they have a mission for my wife to do before we get married...at least I say she's my wife.

(We find ETF inside of a dingy old apartment with high ceilings. The room is reminiscent of an old drug den, cluttered yet fancy, and covered in tags. There are five people, one standing.  We hear the door ring.)

True:  BUZZUP!  Hey can I come up?

Spake:  Yea that's chill, come on up! (Hand on buzzer)

(Oner turns to leave)  Yo I gotta leave theres peopl--

Spake:  It's chill.  

This is Big Lug, he is the leader of the team.  Big Lug is using a 3d computer that surrounds the room.  He is using scarlet sage which provides him with a brain chemical that allows him to control his virtual realm in cyber space.  

Serge, Stake, and True enter the room.  

Big Lug:  True!  Buddy, long time no see!  How long has it been?

True:  About three months

Big Lug:  Naw man, it's been a year!  Don't worry, we've been waiting for you (Sniff's fingers)  Here smell that?  (Puts fingers in front of True's nose, he refuses.)  It's your wife's butthole, don't worry we've been keeping her safe, well, I have.

True:  You make me want to vomit.  

Big Lug:  I'm just messing with you man.  You know it's all love. Now come here.

(True receives bearhug from Big Lug)  True:  Can't breathe.

(From corner of the room)  Guy with teddy bear aka Spake:  I've been so lonely.

Big Lug:  I'll give you a squeeze.

Spake:  I'd rather vomit.  

Guernica:  I hear this little voice.

Toubolde:  You sure you're alright?  I mean maybe you should take your meds.  (To Big Lug).  Man he's depressive.  Shyaa!  We all hear voices!

True:  So what's the plan?  I sold the bananas and made a mint!  I could live off this for the rest of my life.

Big Lug:  So the plan is to do a hangover.  I mean hang off.  Sorry the scarlet sage tends to have its effect.

True:  Doesn't the fall cause us to, um, die?

Big Lug:  I've created a program that allows the user to create three dimensional holograms that transpose upon any outdoor surface in the natural realm.  Of course it will be seen in public, but nevertheless nothing illegal.  And yet illegal (stares off into space).

(In a bubble)

Big lug:  There are two ways into the application.  The old fashioned way, which I use, might hurt your head.  The other way is to use a VR helmet.  To each his own.

(A Safari van is flanked by two vespas.  They are going Straight to L.A.  To the heavens...)

Rivera, Toubolde, Big Lug, Spake, True, Stake, and Sergio are crouched on a grassy embankment on the side of the freeway in L.A..

(Cats purr).  

Deb:  Hey guys I'm here!  Can I help?  I brought cans.

True:  Thank the lord!  (gives her a big hug)  

Sergio:  Well, I thought about it, I could climb up that pipe, cut the razor wire.  shimmy over to the far left above oncoming traffic while the wind billows me around.  Or I could just point and click (Snap!  Snaps his fingers.  And a funky hologram that reads “Sergio” appears on the back of the freeway sign.  I'll watch, you write. Maybe take flicks (hands in shape of camera).

As a team they climb like gorillas up the freeway sign's column.  

Rivera:  We're about to f*ck this sh*t up

Toubolde:  Be the cockiest you can be on this sign.

Big lug:  Be careful.

True:  I feel vomit coming up.

Deb:  This is a humdinger.

(They are all on the freeway sign facing camera as the platform begins to wobble.  Focus on Deb and True *his outfit looks like Tie's she's his twin)  

Deb:  Here, my love, man up, spray safe.  Soon I'll be your bride.

(They all do pieces, they go big.  They shimmy back down and the reader has a look at their pieces, they appear holographic, slightly blurry.  They all climb a ladder over the freeway wall to a tree, working their way down the limbs to a small drop.  As soon as they land they see police lights flash and hear a Bloooop!)

Police:  (Over loudspeaker)  Hold it right there!

Rivera:  Vamanos!

(The team jets to the Safari van losing the police temporarily. They all pile in.  The van squeals off as do the vespas.  The team dumps their bags from the moving vehicle.  They turn a corner and cop lights flash.  Five police vehicles are now on the team's tail.  The engines rev and the police start to overtake the vehicle, a dark shadow followed by a low hum. )

True: What's that noise?

There is an aircraft floating above the speeding cars.  

Aircraft:  Calling all cars, calling all cars, stand down immediately from the high speed chase.  Do you read, this is the chief of police, Bob Barx of the Yarx police department, I've got a team with me, we'll take it from here.

(Sirens go silent and police cars slow to a stop)

Deb:  Shiiiiiiit!

Big Lug:  Looks like we got a fun run.  (Big grin, steps on gas)

They hear a rumbling and the vehicle starts to shake.  The car illuminates.  We see a beam of light coming from over head from the ship.  It seems the aircraft is actually a U.F.O.  The beam abducts the safari and the vespas.  The team is now inside the ship.  

Loudspeaker:  Hey, are you guys alright?  Come into the cockpit, we would love to meet you.  

Spake:  Okayyy?!

Everyone makes their way into the cockpit where there are two extraterrestrials sitting smoking scarlet sage.  They turn from the window which looks at the stars.  

Alien:  (Inhales, holds breath)  Hi. (Exhales deeply).  I'm Hans, this is Alfredo.

Alfredo:  Ciao. (Sips espresso with pinky out)

Hans:  Welcome to the brotherhood (says with smile) we saw what you did back there, takes gusto, how exactly, how, did that come into fruition?

Deb:  Well see, I'm due to be married to Truesy here, so for a final bow, we decided to do this Heaven in L.A.  Holographic style!

True:  That was a rush, I see what you guys live for.  Kiss me sweetie.  (Puckers up)

Deb:  Ah, ah, ah, not in front of the gang!

Hans:  We are graff writers too.

Spake:  Oh yea, (chuckle) what do you two write?

Hans:  I write Hans.

Alfredo:  And I write Alfredo.

Spake:  Uh. Cool.

Rivera:  Not to be an earwig, but what's the plan?

Hans:  Oh we'll come out of orbit in a sec.  One full revolution which will take about 3.5 seconds and we'll land back in Yarx.

Big Lug:  Just in time for you two to be married.  (Smiles as he chews eclaire).

(UFO lands back in Yarx in someones backyard.  Family is confused. Cut to True and his wife Deb in the back of the banana truck making love below a banner that reads “just married.”)

Episode 5  

(Sergio and Stake are eating ramen in Yarx, at a corner bar.  The Lion is outside.  They have their own glasses of a potent steaming potion.  

Sergio:  (Sips) Have to get that right of passage

Stake:  Got that right.  (Sip)

Sergio:  Check!  (Put one hand up)

(Cut to Sergio walking with lion.  Stake is a bat.  As they walk strangers thought bubbles direct them)

Stranger 1:  (Face covered in 9's) The right you seek.

Stranger 2:  Is in a cup..

Stranger 3:  At the bottom of a well.

Sergio:  (Pulls out map of Yarx) Let's have a look see.  (They are a blip on the map).  There's a well here near the sewage containment facility...or there's one here in the castle yard of this castle. (Looks at map, reads Gronkagel).  I detect castle guard (Points to blip on map.)  It's a balrog.  I figure it's the one with the balrog.

(Scenes of travel, the life is colorful, homeless, street hustlers, restaurants, basic city scene.   The scene changes to the country side, life slows down.  Eventually they reach a tall hill on which the castle Gronkagel lies.  They begin their hike.  They reach a wall with a tall door).

Sergio:  Hey Balrog!  Balrooooog!  Hm. No sign of him.  I guess we play the breaking and entering game.  

 (Sergio points to the top of the wall and Stake flies up and over. First a rumble then a creak.  Doors open and Stake stands.  Sergio enters.  As soon as he enters three palace guards come to greet him.)

Castle guards:  (In unison)  Welcome to castle Gronkagel, where the Gronk! (Bonks Stake and then Sergio with a spear) Comes first.  You have been knighted!

Stake:  Ssss! (rubs head)  you're god awful but I accept.

Sergio:  Yea, me too.  Say, what is there to do here in Castle Tintag- I mean Gronkagel?

Castle guards:  (In unison)  We have a well, and a tower that oversees the land.

Sergio:  Take us to the we--

Stake:  (Overlapping Sergio) to the tower!    

Sergio:  I mean to the tower.  That would be very nice.

Castle guards:  (In unison)  Very well.  (They turn and start to leave the castle.)

(All five start to climb the tower stairs).

Castle guards:  As you can see--

Stake:  So anyways (Throws castle guard off  ledge)

Sergio: (Knocks castle down with lightning bolt).

Castle guards:  Would you look at that?  Better go check on the Bal-

Sergio:  Have another taste of lightning!

(Serge knocks them into a pile with bolt of lightning).

Stake:  Oh suck my cock!  What about the Balrog?

(Balrog gets up from pile of rubble)

Balrog:  So much for my nap.  Feel like I hit me head.

Sergio:  (From tower)  Lightning bolt!  Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! (Shoots three to Balrogs chest)

Balrog:  Ow, oh bullocks!  Let me guess you came for the write of passage?  Well if you want it that much come 'ere then.  I'll lower you into the well.

Stake:  Oh yea right! (In a yell)

(Serge and Stake approach pile of rubble)  

Balrog:  (Takes flight)  I mean come 'ere!

Sergio:  Oh I see by here, he means come to us (under his breath).   Attack!

Stake:  (Pulls out dagger )  

Sergio:   You're never gonna get anywhere with that!  (Pulls out dagger.  Jumps at his neck and Slam!  The balrog slams him into the tower floor.

Stake:  (Jumps onto the balrogs neck and with his cape makes him blind.)  Please hold.

Balrog:  (Takes flight).  

Stake:  Let's go for a ride!  (Balrog throws him off)

Sergio:  Long jumps onto his neck attempting to strangle balrog with a whip.  

Balrog:  (Falls into a swamp in the forest.  Balrog is out cold.)

Sergio:  So much for balrog.   (Pulls out map.  Blip turns gold)

(Sergio and Stake walk through the rubble).

Sergio:  Go down

Stake:  Kay

(Stake turns into a bat and flies into the well.  He nosedives into the water, sees a sewer rat, and winks.  Finds chest because of it's glow, and brings it up over the well wall.  Sergio makes finger into a key and slides into lock.  He opens chest and inside finds a cup. Inside is the writ of passage.  It glows.)

Basel:  You've got the writ!  Cheers to you!  (Takes a sip of beer.) Now for a pint of Eastvleteran.  The best beer in the world.  My fellow monks and I brew this stuff.  It is highly rated and always sells out, gets better with age, we know from experience.  A word of advice for whenever the fear hits, no one rules the world so until then fight for your breath.  By the way, what does it say?  Points to the writ and takes note.  Smiles.(Scene ends).  

Stake:  Hey can we go to Dragonvild, my wife is there, I thought she might like to meet up for an exchange...there be dragoooons.  

Sergio:  Down for whatever, as long as it's on the way.  I'll ask Basel the next time I sleep. (Hops on Leo Stake is a bat, they take off in a dynamic closeup from the side.)

Episode 6

(At camp at night.  Sergio is about to pass out, Stake is awake.  Sergio is resting on Leo.  Stake looks at a small heart locket.  The picture is of his wife, she winks and smooches.  He smiles adoringly.  She then picks up a small rat, and drains it's blood with her fangs. Stake does the same thing.  The rat squirms and then goes limp. Sergio looks at him with his eyebrow raised.  Stake tosses the rat aside and pours himself a glass of wine, then pours Sergio one. Stakes wife drinks wine in the picture frame.  Some drizzles down her cheek.

Sergio:  Ooh, thiz wine izz ztrong.  (Passes out).

(Basel appears in a spiral in Sergio's dream.  He has a baby pet dragon.  He is feeding him an omelet).  

Basel:  Hello my boy!  It seems you are on your way to Dragonvild, where you will enjoy food, drink, and many a dragon like this little tired tyke.  (Feeds him omelet).  The whole town is dedicated to dragon preservation, hence the ancient architecture *reminiscent of gaudi* and abundance of gold.  Keep in mind Stake is a sex slave to his wife so they will be in bed almost the whole time.  So build capital while you are there.  I suggest you join the dragon racing league, with your experience riding dragons as a child you should be a shoo-in.  So shoo!

(Leo stirs, awakening Sergio.  As usual, the fire is out, Stake is asleep amongst a pile of dead rats.  Sergio opens a can of beans and puts some steak and eggs on the griddle).  

(The scent drifts into Stake's nostrils Snif! Followed by Sss! He's awake.)

Stake:  Can I have some?

Sergio:  Nah, can't.  (Serves him up a dish)

Stake:  If you say I can.

(A small gnome comes and sits by the fire.)  

Small gnome:  Mah!

(Stake serves up some eggs on a plate to the gnome and licks his teeth with a smile.  Travel scene through the forest.  As usual Stake is a bat.  They approach the town on a hillside.  The scene overlooks the town.  When they arrive at the gates, they are greeted by butterflies.  Serge approaches a dragon rental.  Stake goes to find his wife.  There are several dragons in disrepair in a pen and one handsome stud.)

Sergio:  Hey there, how much for this handsome stud?

Clerk:  Actually that one is a girl.

(Leo purrs).

Clerk:  She'll cost you approximately 15 quid a day plus tax. You're already insured with the umbrella insurance, but you won't need it.  That one there knows what she's doing.  (Points and winks). We'll include a manual on how to feed her, a leash, and a saddle. She's very friendly.  She eats mostly fruit that is native to the land.  Any experience handling or riding dragons?

Sergio:  Yes when I was very young until I was a teen.

Clerk:  Then this will come naturally to you.  She regularly races in the minor dragon racing league but this is her off season.  So don't you dare race her or it'll be your head.

Sergio:  (Smiles).  I wouldn't dream of it.  (Puts fifteen coin down on the table.  One of them spins).

(Stake is walking along a cobblestone street.  He is alone.  He arrives at his wife's residence.  It is a tall Gaudi-esque villa.  The placard near the door reads “Chateau d'omnivore.” He rings the doorbell, which sounds like a screech.  The door opens and a woman's arm reaches out and pulls him in.  He has one dozen roses behind his back.  The door shuts.  His wife stands before him, one arm up and one arm down in a long dress).

Stakes wife (Vive):  Here I am!

Stake:  I haven't seen you in a long time.  I got these for you. (Hand is out with bouquet).

Vive: (Takes bouquet smiles with greedy eyes then throws them behind her. She goes in to kiss his neck and puts a hand on his crotch.

Stake: (Looks calm and bashful as she kisses his neck)  Oh how I've missed you.

Vive: (Takes his hand)  Come to the bedroom, I've got a lot to show you.

(Back to Sergio)

(Sergio stands in front of a banner that reads “Dragon Racing Major League Tryouts Today.”)

Clerk of the course:  Alright, you've made the cut.  What's your dragon's name?  

Sergio:  T

Clerk of the course: Well then we'll see you and T next day of the Sun.  Be prepared because the Marauders from the middle east are coming to town.

(Back to Stake)

(Stake and Vive are making love in a bed that looks like it belongs in a castle.  She orgasms.)

Vive:  “Ooooohhhhh!”  (We see her “O” face) I'm cuming, hard!

Stake:  Me too, my love.  

(She leans in to kiss his mouth).

Vive:  I've missed your sperm.

(Stake and Vive cuddle in each other's arms).

Vive:  I've got new stationary.  It's cool I'll write you a note.

Stake:  I'd like to read it sometime.  Perhaps I need to check on Sergio and his dragon quest.  

Vive:  I'll strangle you if you do.

(Stake smiles).  Mmhmm, sure you will.

Vive:  Or maybe I'll write Pavel a note.  You know, just to apologize.  

Stake:  Mmhmm, sure you do.

Vive:  So how did you like our rape?

Stake:  Well, I sure did have fun raping the girl from the ville--

Vive:  Maybe I'll rape the bard, he plays guitar.  In fact I already did.  He has a humongous-- (bites her lip)

Stake:  Eh, no.  That was just his fantasy.  Let it all be a dream.

Vive:  I'd rape you.

Stake:  No, we'd make love.

Vive:  Like we just did.  I need a snack.

Stake:  I'll fix you one.  Fruit, with a cup of.

Vive:  Dragon blood.

Stake:  K.  Be back in 5.

(Cut to Sergio.  He is in a field with a dragon.  In the distance a stranger who is female plays fetch with her dragon using a large bone).  

(Leo rubs against Sergio and runs to catch a field mouse).

Sergio:  Ok, T, to win this race we're gonna need a little cooperation.  (Tries to mount her.  She roars and spits a ball of flame).  Okay really, I cannot.

The dragon from across the way runs into their camp and catches a bone knocking into Touloula.  They flit).  

Girl from dragon camp:  Hey over there!  I apologize for my dragon. Having trouble with yours?  Here's what you do.  Take the tip of your finger and prick it then place a drop of your blood in the dragon's eye.  See what happens! (She winks and takes bone from dragon).

(Sergio frowns.  Takes out knife from sheath and pricks finger.  He calmly takes Touloula's bridle and squeezes a drop of blood into her eye.  Her pupil dialates all black then it squeezes back to a slender half crescent.

T:  Mango.

Sergio:  You want a mango?  

T:  Yess pleasse.  I will be your mizztrezz.

Sergio:  Hey now, slow down.  I'll go find you some fruit.  How bout an apple?  

T:  I'd prefer a Mango.  (Burps a flame).  It helps me concentrate.

(Leo comes over with a mango in her mouth, and drops the mango at his feet.  Then goes to play with field mouse.

Girl From dragoncamp:  Here boy! (Tosses bone).

Sergio:  Okay, let's see what you can do.  T, go get it!  (Throws mango into the air, and without a moments notice T leaps into flight and chomps at the mango.  T lands on ground softly.  Whump!  Girl from dragon camp claps).  Good job, T!

(Back to Vive's bedroom).

Freshening up in mirror in bathrobe.  

Vive:  Oooh my fangs are so sharp.  Ladadee, ladada.  (Spritzes perfume on neck).  We see a bat at the window sill.  Then two.  (Vive sees in the mirror over her shoulder, then drops perfume.  The perfume breaks.  Smash)!  

(More bats fly to the balcony rail.  There are now ten).  

Vive: (In shock).  Gasp!

Two bats turn into vampires on the balcony

Vive:  Pavel!

Pavel:  Steal your gold...WIFE!  (Smashes door with cane).

Stake:  (Bursts through the door.  He is nude.  He drops the tray and wine).

Vive:  (Grabs dagger from the dresser).

Stake:  (Runs in front of Vive).  (To her):  Stay back! (Equips cane and draws a fiery blade).  Stay away from me!

Pavel:  Hisss!  

(The bats on the window sill leave in a flurry.)  Scurry!

Stake:  (To Vive):  Go to the other room!  I'll handle them.

Vive:  We'll fight them...(Dagger turns into a torch)  Together.

Pavel:  Come, now my dear, don't do anything too hasty.  

Vive:  Die!  (She jumps through the air dagger in hand).

Pavel:  (Sidesteps.  Crack! He uses the handle of his blade to hit the base of her neck).

Vive:  (Winces and cries in pain).

Stake:  Vive!  (He lunges and catches Pavel on the arm with his blade).  Yaaah!

Pavel:  (Holding arm).  Kisssss your wife...GOODBYE!  (Throws high kick which Stake guards).

Stake:  Knees Pavel in the groin.

Vampire 2:  (Grabs Vive and holds her unconscious body underneath her arms.  He has a knife to her neck).  Stay back!  I'll kill her if you move.

Stake:  You wouldn't.  

Vampire 2:  I will too!  Try me!  (Presses blade to her neck).

Pavel:  Stake, she's not your wife.  She's a vampire now, not an elf.  You would be too if you started acting like one.  We'll hold on to this one until you get your act together.  This is for the time oh I dunno, you cut off my head?  Oh, and do bring me the amulet, it is also oursss!  Meet us at Chateau d'Ormsby by 5, the day you were wed.

(Vampire 2 backs up onto the balcony with Vive.  Eight vampire bats lift Vive by the arms and carry her from the balcony.  They all leave in a flurry).

Vampires:  She's our familyyyy!  What a rapist!  They captured it in crystal!

Stake:  Noooooooooooooooooooooo.  (Looks down

[omnimic]

Fighting Fantasy #30: Luke Sharp’s Chasms of Malice. I don’t really want to turn these posts into reviews -- mainly, I just wanted post scans of the best pictures as I go through the series -- but this one requires some comment. At the risk of being a little hard on the pseudonymous Mr. Sharp, this book is just not fun. A lot of people have complained about the difficulty: there’s a lot of random instant deaths and an almost endless series of 50/50 dice rolls. Okay, so that makes the book very difficult, but in a completely arbitrary, random way. For example, the last stretch of the book puts you through a series of paragraphs where in each you are given two options, one of which will lead to instant death. So if you pick the wrong one, just go back to the previous paragraph and pick the other. What a game! So whereas Steve Jackson’s most difficult books will have (sometimes impenetrable) puzzles that take many replays to crack and Ian Livingstone will require you to pick up a huge shopping list of specific items to beat the big bad, their most difficult books are still fun, challenging adventures. What lets down Chasms of Malice isn’t its insane and silly difficulty, but the fact that it’s so boring. Like, the whole thing is just a slog through a series of grey, nondescript caverns. But even then, the underground environment is not fleshed out at all. There’s barely any description, and as a result, no sense of place. You just go from one boring chamber to another. The interior art is by Russ Nicholson, which elevates the book somewhat, but even he seems to be phoning it in (lots of repetitive orc and goblin pictures, whereas the original monsters are generally not illustrated). Cover art by Les Edwards is adequate, but I have no idea who that is (it doesn’t look like the Orghuz shown in the interior). The four-horned horse (koyunlu) is pretty cool, though.