#causes power use to be slightly more resistant & a bit less available just from the change in scale

[carcinos-arg]

...ouch :(

I feel sick. What the hell?

[girldragongizzard]

Chapter 14: Performance hangover

Something I hear, first thing in the morning, before sunrise, before the morning roll call, is a person saying to another person, “It would all just be so much easier if they could all change back to human again.”

I close my eyes to try to sleep just a little bit more, thinking, we never were.

But then I wonder.

I’m aware of a conversation that’s been going on in the transgender and gay communities, the queer community, since forever. Whether the whole “born this way” argument is any good. People tend to fall entirely on one side or the other, being unreasonably dismissive of the other perspective. But what seems to be true, when it comes to queer identities is that they can be innate in some people, but that they can also be fluid, that they can change over time. But also, very importantly, that they can’t be coerced. Gender and orientation can change but can’t be coerced.

And, though the overall point that in order for the fight for human rights to have a chance of securing autonomy for all means that we should focus on the right to make choices and less on the innate nature of gender or orientation has in some people, it doesn’t mean that gender and orientation are fake, nor that they aren’t innate in some people.

And I’m aware enough of the online therian and otherkin communities, slightly less so of the alterhuman group, to know that these arguments have carried over to there as well.

Some people are born knowing from the beginning that they are not human, and they discover what they are fairly early. Others have very different experiences. Others go from being human to being non-human. Yet others go from being a dog to a cat, identity wise. Some may go through several identities in their lifetime. And that shouldn’t invalidate them in any way, the argument goes.

And I do agree with that.

In fact, I agree with it enough that I believe, should the means be available, if a human who identifies as human decides that they need to be a dragon, they should be able to undergo dracomorphosis.

I also can see clearly that if the global dracomorphosis hadn’t happened, a lot of the status quo would have been more easily maintained. There’d be fewer problems in the world. Our existence is a problem.

Or, rather, certain people’s resistance to our existence is a problem.

The thing is, I do not want to go back to hiding as human. And I do not want to be thoroughly transformed into a human who accepts being human. I like who and what I am. And now I wonder whether if we find the source of our transformation, the power that caused it, will it be used against us?

But, if we don’t find it, then what happens to all those people who yet still need it, like Molly?

And with that verbalized sentiment from that jerk down on the street rattling through my head, I begin to feel like it’s me against the whole world again. The feeling I had all day yesterday.

And for this one person on the street, it’s pretty clear that, though it seems to have stabilized the city, if not the county, by pacifying the local dragons and settling the violence that was breaking out, my demonstration yesterday was not an entirely positive thing.

I hate that.

I hate to think that I irritated anyone.

I hate to think that anyone now hates me for it, and for being myself, because it means that they’ll eventually come after me.

Attempting to calm myself down, I turn my mind to another question. A daydream of my own, to counter the prejudice I heard come up from the street.

Would it be bad in any way if eventually all of humanity were transformed into other things? What if every human were really something else? A mythical being of some sort? Or, on occasion, just a poodle? Different for every individual. What if we could all be what we really were, and that just happened to mean there were not humans at all?

What would happen to the world then?

Would it be sad?

I don’t know. I like my humans. 

But learning that Kimberly thinks of herself as a werepoodle didn’t bother me, and if she were suddenly able to change into a poodle on occasion, I don’t see how that would change how I value her presence in the world.

She’d still be a person.

Still, humans as a species, with their myriad cultures and their curiosity and diverse concepts of family and community, are pretty stinking cool. When I eliminate the violence of the world from the equation, I’m comforted by them. And even with the violence, I still am. I’m just also in danger, along with a lot of various humans and other animals.

I suspect my privileged white upbringing is influencing my emotions regarding that, and I don’t fully know what false assumptions I’m making. I can only seek to keep myself open to learning, when and where I can.

But I also know that we dragons aren’t any more peaceful than humans. Holy shit.

If everyone in the world became dragons, that would not be good.

In any case, the dracomorphosis happened, and we’re here. And some people love it. And others don’t. It’s just how it is.

And the sun’s coming up.

Time to sing again.

—

It’s Friday, September 20. I’m clinging to dates for some reason, checking my tablet frequently to make sure I know them. I didn’t used to do that before. I used to have trouble knowing what day it was.

But now, I don’t really have much of anything to play with besides my tablet most of the time. And I feel like knowing the date kind of grounds me.

Anyway, this means that the Kims are opening the shop again, and that Chapman should have work.

When I crawl into the shop, Ptarmigan is already there, sitting in the far chair that used to be my favorite. 

But I barely make note of her, because there is a customer in line in front of me who looks over their shoulder as I come in. And their expression matters to me.

It’s not someone I recognize, which isn’t saying much. I only recognize a rare few people, and then usually only if they don’t get new haircuts, change their clothes, and I see them in their usual context. But I feel that this isn’t a regular. And even though I can’t really read this person’s expression, it hits me pretty hard.

They looked at me.

What are they thinking?

Are they annoyed I was so loud yesterday and then this morning, too? Are they scared that I’m a dragon? Are they simply concerned? Are they hiding it well? Am I reading too much into a simple glance?

I watch their posture for clues, and they do seem a little tense, but I could be wrong.

The expressions on Kim and Kimberly do not seem particularly relaxed or cheerful. They seem tired. Like they’re fighting to focus on work. A little slow. A little quiet.

I’m now worried about how Rhoda is doing and what she’s thinking, because I haven’t heard from her since before I started singing yesterday. Maybe it was too much for her, too.

Maybe things have changed.

“Meghan,” Ptarmigan says loud enough for me to hear clearly. “When you’ve got your drink, let’s go outside to talk.”

I glance at her, but she’s relaxed and not moving. I see no eagerness or urgency to match her words.

My first reaction is that I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t really want to talk to anybody, though I do feel the need to check in on the Kims and make sure they’re all right. And maybe apologize to them for being so present.

But, I also really do need to know what’s been going on, and whether or not any new opportunities to fix things have arisen. And I haven’t been able to bring myself to look at the news. So Ptarmigan is probably my best bet for quality information and scheming right now.

I don’t want to scheme. But I need to.

“Okay,” I say back to her.

She nods, then gets up to head to my favorite outside table, taking her tea with her.

As she passes me, she says, “Good work yesterday, by the way.”

It’s such a business-like statement, and delivery, it reminds me of having a boss, the few times I did try to hold down a job. Not a pleasant memory, really. But I’m pretty sure I know she doesn’t mean it that way.

“Thanks,” I say, and then simultaneously watch her go outside and sit down while keeping an eye on the counter to see when it’s my turn.

When I do get up to the counter, Kimberly comes over from the bar back position to lean over and talk to me, while Kim nods.

“Hey, Meghan, we just want you to know that we’re proud of you, and that we’ve all pitched together to cover the cost of repairing the floor,” she says in a lower tone. “We’ve got your back. But it would be really good if you didn’t do that again, though.”

“Yes,” I say, lowering my head. “Okay. Thanks.”

“How are you doing though?” Kim asks.

I pop my head up and look around. It’s only me and the other customer, and Ptarmigan waiting outside. It’s a slow morning for just after opening. I’d expect at least three other customers at this time. But maybe the rush has yet to come.

I feel responsible.

“Okay,” I say. Then, “No.” I huff, pull out my tablet and put it on the counter and start to type more.

“The yooj?” Kim asks.

“Yes,” I say, relieved that she’s offering that to me despite everything. Then I hit talk, “I am scared. Worried. Am I too much?”

“So dragons get anxiety, too?” Kimberly asks, heading back to the espresso machine to start on my drink.

“Yes,” I say. Because apparently we do.

“What a shit world,” she concludes.

“You’re fine,” Kim says. “Things suck right now. But it’s not you. Got it?”

I knuckle out a couple more words, “Slow day.”

She points at me and says, “That’s not on you.”

“Okay,” I say.

“Any progress on making me a werepoodle?” Kimberly asks, switching on the steam to clean the wand.

I tilt my head.

“You’re getting a mocha, Meghan. You need it,” Kimberly says, then starts prepping the machine. “So, any progress?”

I huff. I haven’t learned “maybe”, so I have to type something out. “Maybe some. Slow.”

“Yeah, figures,” she says. “But some is good!”

I want to tell her more, but I think I need to talk to Ptarmigan first, to get any possible updates.

“Hey,” the other customer say from the main room, trying to get our attentions. “Did you all hear the latest news? I think it’s relevant to what you’re talking about. Sorry I overheard.”

“No, that’s fine, Gary,” Kimberly says, pausing in her work. She’s got great hearing. “You’re family here, too. What’s the scoop?”

“Ah, well,” Gary says, getting up and coming back into the lobby to talk in more reasonable tones. “So, in Ohio, there’s this guy that went out for a hike in the Shawnee state forest yesterday. Only he came back as a dragon. Big komodo-like thing, but with webbed feet and a blowhole instead of a nose. And everyone still recognized him, of course.”

“Really?”

My head snaps to look at Gary, spearing him with both my eyes, but at his midsection, and he jumps a little and steps back. 

What he said excites me, and I couldn’t help myself, but I didn’t mean to scare him.

“Peace,” I say with my syrinx, then type out, “That’s interesting.” Typing allows me to look away from him again, which calms him down.

“I thought so, too,” he says.

Kim turns to her coworker and suggests eagerly, a bit of a smirk on her face, “Maybe you just need to take a hike, Kimberly!”

“I just might,” Kimberly responds, like it’s a threat. Then she says, “I wonder if it only works for dragons. There’ve gotta been other people who’re other kinds of animals and things who’ve gone on hikes already. You know, since this started. I’m kinda surprised this hasn’t happened before with more dragons, to be honest.”

“I think it might have,” Gary says. “And this is just the first story that’s hit the news. But, it’s been just less than a month, you know.”

“If it’s true, it’s a big clue, isn’t it, Meg?” Kimberly says.

“Yes,” I say. 

I must look antsy or anxious or uncomfortable or something, though, because then Kim speaks up.

“Hey, Meghan. Your order is all taken care of, unless you want something more. We can bring it out to you when it’s done,” she says.

There are no other customers coming in, or in line behind me. So it’s clearly just a gentle opportunity for me to excuse myself if I want to. And I do appreciate it.

Gary’s got information I’d love to hear more about, but I feel like I’m making him nervous and I don’t want to.

So I bow my head, take my tablet, and turn to leave.

“Hey, Meghan?” Gary says as I start to go. “We don’t know each other, but I’ve been wanting to tell you something.”

“Yes,” I say, looking back at him with my right eye.

“Ever since you set up your home on the roof of this building, I’ve felt safer here. This shop has always been a safe place for me, for people like us, you know,” he explains. “I’ve always seemed to miss you, too. Come in on different hours. But, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there’s a certain kind of customer that hasn’t been showing up as much lately. Or even hanging out on the block. And I think you might be why. Just thought you might like to know that.”

“Ah, yeah. Fewer assholes,” Kimberly agrees.

Kim nods.

Gary smiles, gives me a little wave, and moves to go sit down again, saying, “Anyway, enjoy your coffee. And thank you.”

I don’t really know how to process this, but I want to let it make me feel better.

Definitely going to talk to my counselor about it next week, because it’ll be something she can talk about. It might please her.

“Thanks,” I say, once again resolving to work on “thankyou” for sounding more sincere.

Multisyllable words are so much harder for me, but I’ve shown myself I can do them when I really care. It’s fascinating that I can read them, hear them, understand them, write them, and think them just fine. And I can imitate all sorts of really strange noises. But, while I can talk a little bit, it doesn’t feel like talking, actually. It feels like making gestures with my voice that I know mean things but that aren’t actually words to me. And the more complex they are, the harder it is to remember them when I need them.

I just must not have the structure in my brain needed to use my syrinx that way. Or, it’s vestigial, or underdeveloped. And most other dragons seem to be even more impaired. Except Wentin.

Wow. Imagine Wentin being the spokesmonster for all of dragon kind.

I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t go over well.

“Hey,” Ptarmigan says. “Meghan Estragon Draconis. Congratulations on the name change. Please join me at your table.” She sort of smirks.

I amble around to my spot and lay out my tablet, turning it on again.

“There’s probably news or something, or clues from yesterday to talk about,” she interrupts any thought I was having of saying anything to her. “But, I wanted to talk to you about something else first. If that’s OK with you.”

I tilt my head.

“Do you have any memories from before your current life?” she asks.

“No,” I say.

She nods, and says, “That’s very common.”

“What mean?” I ask her with my tablet.

“Well,” she says. “I now know for a fact that Wentin is older than England. As a spirit, I mean. A thing that’s haunted dreams for ages. Like I said, I’ve talked to it. And now it seems to have some memories of before. But maybe not many. I’d have to talk to it some more, if it’ll be friendly with me.”

“Yes,” I say.

“I kind of expect the same to be true for most other dragons,” she says. “Maybe not that you’re all that old. But that you’re capable of it. And Chapman agrees. I talked to hir about it. Sie’s skipping work again today to come defrief you, by the way.”

“Okay.”

“But you,” she says. “Since you’re the center of this dracomorphosis, or the beginning of it at least, I’m still thinking you’re pretty important. So it’s probably very true of you, even if you don’t remember anything.”

I feel like I’m watching the train of my thoughts slowly derail with every word she says.

“There’s probably nothing significant about the amnesia. That’s just a side effect of jumping from system to system, whether it’s reincarnation, astral projection, possession, or any of the other words humans have come up with that badly describe it,” she rambles on. “It’s just going to happen on occasion, at least until you return to a previous system and reconnect with what you’ve left there. We’ve all experienced it.”

I’m baffled, and I don’t know where to start. I need something to cling to in order to catch up to her line of thought.

“Am I Artist?” I ask.

“No, you’re a dragon,” Ptarmigan says. “Learning about Wentin cleared that up for me. Divining it cleared it up more. Just, I’ve got a better idea of what dragons are now, and Chapman’s weirdness about them makes more sense to me, too.”

I tap my tablet screen, “Oh.”

“Anyway. Loneliness sucks,” she says.

Boom. One new train of thought hits the other new train of thought, and it’s all obliterated.

I stare at her, mind blank.

“The cool thing about the amnesia is that it helps you forget people you might otherwise miss,” she says. “But if this body of yours – which is unprecedented in this epoch as far as I know – if it’s reflective of any sort of immortality you might have, you might not be experiencing that amnesia much in the future. And you look like one of the kinds of dragons that humans describe as being very long lived, if you’re not slain.”

I mean, I’ve been thinking similar things myself a lot lately. That’s the only thought that appears in my head. I’m understanding her, but I’m not really processing what she’s saying or why she’s saying it. Besides to think, this is not new.

“Anyway, if Rhoda and the Kims and most of the rest of the people around here remain what they are, they’re going to be like pets to you,” Ptarmigan says. “But what I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t let that stop you from caring for them with all of your being. It’s worth it to care and to love them.”

Ah. Hm. I bob my head a few times. Mostly avoiding any further thought, and soothing my emotions by stimming. But also looking like I’ve been paying attention.

“Anyway, what was this about the new dragon in Ohio?” she asks.

I tilt my head the other way.

I’m not sure how she heard that while sitting out here.

And I see Chapman walking down the street to meet us here.

I kind of wish I only had Rhoda to talk to this morning, but she’s sleeping in or something.I’m also starting to wish that I could be tranqed, tagged, and put out in the wilderness again. That was a simpler problem to solve. While I was out there, there was only one problem. Or so it felt like.

[army-of-mai-lovers]

Why Amon Should Have Been An Android

(spoilers for LoK and Young Justice season 1) 

If you followed my LoK liveblog at all you may have noticed that I theorized at one point or another that all four major villains of LoK (Amon, Unalaq, Zaheer, and Kuvira) were secretly robots/androids (the term I used was robot, but the more accurate term would have been android.) Now, with Unalaq it was definitely just because I found him boring, with Zaheer it was to make fun of the fact that he was an Airbending prodigy with zero training, and with Kuvira it was because it was a thing at that point for me to predict that an LoK villain was a robot (and I was kind of right that time!!) 

But with Amon? I was completely serious. We never see his face, his cause is stupid (and the perfect way for his programmers to start some trouble in Republic City), and he was able to resist bloodbending, which, if you’ll recall, requires that the victim have blood for it to work. You know who doesn’t have blood? That’s right, androids/robots. 

But there’s another reason that I sincerely thought Amon was going to be a robot (android), and it’s the reason I’m writing this. There was something naggingly familiar about LoK to me, and no, it wasn’t that it was a sequel series to ATLA. To me, LoK doesn’t really feel a lot like ATLA (barring, of course, the very poorly shoehorned in fanservice cameos of Iroh, three times, like he’s a recurring character or something.) I struggled to pinpoint exactly what it was, but in my own observations and the observations of other people that I was talking to while liveblogging, a couple key differences became clear: 

[ID: an image of Korra from the back looking out towards Republic City, which is shown to have large white skyscrapers, a bay, and numerous smaller buildings. Much of it is obscured by fog and clouds. The city is built in the middle of a sprawling bay. /End ID]

1. the setting of LoK is incredibly Americanized and Eurocentric. While ATLA displays a lot of cultural insensitivity towards the cultures it borrows from in choosing how to depict them, LoK...doesn’t really depict other cultures. Republic City to me felt very similar to how 1920s New York is typically depicted in media, and no setting in the Earth Kingdom or Water Tribe was explored enough to really explore the unique cultures of those settings. While you can tell in ATLA that bryke was somewhat interested in (a vague, exoticized, unrealistic vision of) East Asian culture, LoK is very clearly inspired by America and Europe, with very little else influencing how the setting was depicted. 

2. there are no “unimportant” people in LoK. Everybody is related to somebody we know from ATLA (or somebody from ATLA), a powerful business mogul, military, somebody high up in the government, a celebrity, and/or the Avatar. The only character I can really think of that’s an exception to this is Kai, who really does not have much of a role. (I guess you could argue that Mako is an exception but y’know...he was a famous pro-bender for a while there) You don’t just get to meet a regular person living in a village anymore. Every character in LoK has political, social, or cultural power. 

These points, put together with the technological prowess of the world of LoK (which is different season to season and sometimes even episode to episode depending on how the writers are feeling that day), made the show feel very distant from ATLA, but very, very close to another show that I have watched and loved. And that show is Young Justice. 

[ID: an image, from left to right, of Batgirl, Blue Beetle, Bumblebee, Beast Boy, Miss Martian, Nightwing, Superboy, Wondergirl, Robin, and Red Arrow in the foreground, posing together. Above them and in the background are the adult heroes, obscured in shadow. From left to right, Red Tornado, Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, Batman, Superman, the Flash, Green Arrow, and Wonder Woman. They are all against a gradient blue background. /End ID]

For those not in the know, Young Justice is a DC animated cartoon focusing on the teen sidekicks, proteges, and relatives of superheroes like Batman, Superman the Flash, Green Arrow, Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, and others banding together to form their own superhero team. YJ is set in America, vaguely, with characters residing in cities with names like Gotham City, Star City, and Central City (a naming convention that Republic City fits right into). And as is apparent from the premise, most of the characters you’ll meet in YJ are superheroes, related to superheroes, or otherwise important business moguls, celebrities, or political figures. And while the world of YJ is of course significantly more technologically advanced than that of LoK, there’s more overlap than you’d think. Besides spaceships, teleportation, smartphones, and genetic engineering, there’s really not a lot of tech that YJ seasons 1 and 2 have that LoK doesn’t. 

So you may be thinking, “ok Arthur, we get it, you’re a fucking nerd, what does this have to do with robots?” I’m glad you asked! One of the storylines of YJ focuses on the war between rival tech moguls Tio Morro and Professor Ivo, in which they build increasingly sophisticated androids. Ivo’s are pretty much just designed to kill supers, but Morro’s are expressly designed to mirror the human psyche, and desire to be a part of human society. Amon very clearly also desires a community, and does much of what he does to integrate himself into a community of nonbenders where he really doesn’t belong. Further, Morro’s androids are immune to threats that humans are not immune to because they are not made up of organic matter. For example, in season 1, episode 3, Miss Martian attempts to read Red Tornado’s mind, to no avail, because she can only read the minds of organic beings. In a similar vein, Amon was able to resist bloodbending, and while unfortunately that was not because he was an android, it would have made sense given the conventions of the cartoon android genre. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my previous YJ knowledge very much influenced the way I read that scene. The way Amon’s body was animated very much mirrored the animation of Morro’s androids trying to resist their evil creator’s programming. 

So, I’ve taken you through the what, the how, but I promised that I’d say why Amon being an android would have been better, and I plan to deliver. First, it needs be remarked that while Amon being an android wouldn’t have made much sense, it would have only made slightly less sense than the canon explanation of Amon being Tarrlok’s secret brother. In fact, I’d argue that, if handled correctly, Amon being an android could make more sense and be more impactful. Here’s how I envision it: android! Amon would be pretty similar to Red Tornado, in that he would know that he was an android and be programmed to help people. He was of course, built by Hiroshi Sato (that man designed and likely built all the Equalists’ weapons he has the range), who sees himself as a sort of father to Amon. Hiroshi tells Amon about the systemic disenfranchisement of nonbenders and how a Firebender killed his wife, and Amon, being programmed to want to help people and to desire participation in human society, decides he wants to lead a revolution against benders. However, an android can’t very well openly lead a revolution (you could add a bit in the backstory episodes about how humans don’t trust androids or something), so Hiroshi and Amon come up with the story that Firebenders burned his face and hands, which is what prompted him to lead the revolution. Thus, his whole body, including his face, is covered, and his followers assume that it’s because the burns are so bad, and they follow him. In the latter half of the season, the krew would uncover Hiroshi’s involvement with the Equalists, but Asami would be the one to realize that Amon is an android that Hiroshi built. Amon being Hiroshi’s “son” of sorts would be another element of Asami coming to terms with the evils of her family, as Amon in this case would be a machine programmed to be easily manipulated to follow Hiroshi’s cause and would consider himself her brother, and she would have to reckon what to do with both of them. The nonbenders’ cause would still be legitimate after Amon was exposed as an android (unlike it is when the literal figurehead of their movement is also antithetical to their movement) and the heroes would have to reckon with the realities of bender supremacy and the hurt it caused. Amon could even get a redemption arc and work with world leaders to make a better society for nonbenders and androids like himself (I’m sure there’s some parallel you can draw between nonbender oppression and android oppression, though I can’t think of one atm) As an added bonus, Amon wouldn’t be able to bend, so he couldn’t bloodbend Korra, which would be one less time that an LoK villain took away Korra’s bodily autonomy. Amon could even be a recurring character in the later books, because really, wouldn’t LoK have been more fun with a newly-redeemed android sidekick still learning about what the world is outside of his creator’s narrow worldview? Plus, that would give Asami more to do in books 2 and 3 than meet Varrick and participate in love triangle drama (Amon is of course replacing Varrick’s presence on the show), and getting to know and bond with Amon could be the catalyst for her visiting her father in prison in book 4. 

Remember, I didn’t claim that this would be good, I claimed that it would be better, and since the bar was on the ground with that secret brothers twist that wasn’t too hard to accomplish. tl;dr bryke are cowards, take the plunge and make him an android. 

[my-spiritualweapon-is-a-lollipop]

Holding Hands

Synopsis: Essek tours the tower for the first time and he and Caleb have some honest talks. A little bit of angst and a little bit of fluff. Just how I like my wizards. 

It had been a long day in Eiselcross. The Mighty Nein were all weary on their feet, many of them hurt from their various encounters along the way and everyone could probably use the rapport boost of a warm bed and good food. Still Caleb was leary of using the tower when Lucien had proven he could easily dispel it.

“But Caleb” Jester pleaded while grabbing onto his arm with her charming little mittens. “If Lucien’s not nearby yet then we wasted a night of good, safe rest. Wouldn’t it be better to fight him with a good night of sleep before? And besides, the tower is harder to find than the dome.” and she blinked up at him with that particular Jester pout that Caleb found particularly difficult to resist.

“Ja… we could…” He left room for Fjord or Beau to interject with a discussion of the best tactical decision, but they were surprisingly quiet. He glanced at them and saw that Beau was leaning hard against the wall, favouring the leg that hadn’t been hurt in their last run in and trying to play it off. Fjord’s face was etched with exhaustion. That settled it for Caleb. It was worth the boost in moral that an evening in the tower would provide… even if it served to be only a temporary situation. “Ja. We could” He repeated more firmly and began his preparations for the tower.

It was a challenging spell and Caleb had plenty of experience tuning out his companions when doing this work, but Beau and Caduceus couldn’t help but notice the almost imperceptible pause and tensing of Caleb’s shoulders that accompanied Jester grabbing Essek and delightedly declaring:

“Oh, Essek you are going to love the tower! And not just because it’s all wizardy and stuff but Caleb made it so nice. There are lots of cats, and everyone has a special nice room - I bet he’ll make one special for you” she pumped her eyebrows “- and the cats make like WHATEVER food you want! It’s amazing!”

Essek responded in the slightly shaken way he did whenever he encountered the full force of Jester’s jovial attentions:

“I-I-’m certain that it is. I wouldn’t expect anything less from a talented wizard.” and Essek looked hard at Caleb’s back for a moment and then looked away with a perceptible sadness in his eyes but Jester pushed on as was her way:

“Pro-tip: call all of the cats to come snuggle you. You will never. Sleep. Better.”

“I’ll have to remember that.” Essek said nodding at her and trying to extricate himself from where she had her arms wrapped around his. He floated over to the wall to drift near Beau where he expected he would be left to sit in sullen silence, which was what he wanted. He wanted to observe everything about how Caleb cast this spell. This was the kind of magic he wasn’t particularly familiar with and it was endlessly fascinating. To his surprise he was interrupted by Beau leaning close to him and whispering savagely under her breath:

“If you talk shit about Caleb’s tower, I will fucking kill you. I know you’re a supposed to be amazing and all but it’s clear your opinion matters to him, so you better play nice got it?” Essek visibly deflated in response but whispered back with a surprising intensity.

“I understand that I have not given you much to trust Beauregard, but if there is one thing you can, please trust in my respect for all of your abilities. Even if you believe me to be arrogant, foolish or any other of the myriad of likely accurate and unflattering descriptions you may have in your mind, please know that you have each earned my respect time and time again and Caleb more so than anyone. If anything, I wish to prove my capabilities as an ally to you... not judge yours.” Before Beau could respond, Caduceus (who hears just about everything) put an arm around Essek and spoke.

“That’s nice.” and looked at Essek with a natural sense of hope that Essek couldn’t tolerate so he stared hard into the ground.

“Ready” Caleb said to the group. Those who knew him well picked up on the slight nerves in his voice. It would have been easy to attribute it to the long day of difficult travel, but they were all inclined to think that it was more likely to do with the wizard floating a few feet behind the rest of the group with a curious light filling his eyes. They began to file in and Jester paused at the back of the group to whisper to Caleb conspiratorially:

“Don’t worry. He’s going to like it.” and as she stepped inside, she threw her voice out to obviously and loudly proclaim:

“Oh, Caleb it is as beautiful as always! You are so talented! So amazing! So…” as she paused to look for the next description Veth cut in:

“Truly powerful. One might say a prodigy” She said making eye contact with Essek in a less than kind way before beginning to float upwards.

“Yes!” Jester began as she too started drifting upwards “an absolute prodigy! The best ever!” she feigned swooning and Beau cut her off.

“Yeah, yeah Caleb’s great. We get it. What’s for supper?”

“Uh ja” Caleb started, and he summoned a cat nearby “please prepare a good-sized roast and several -uh- vegetable dishes for our pink friend here and also some black moss cupcakes please.”

“Thank you” Caduceus said and began drifting upwards following the rest of the group. Essek looked like he was about to say something until Fjord shouted:

“UP!” right next to him and nearly caused him to leap out of his skin though he quickly recovered his unflappable mask. Everyone drifted up whilst chatting until it was just Caleb and Essek left on the platform.

“Ah I see.” Essek said as he began drifting up off the platform. “A clever design.”

“I thought that scaling many staircases seemed less than enjoyable after a day of adventuring.” Caleb put in, clearly trying to keep the pleasure at the compliment out of his voice.

“Actually, I was rather inspired by a time we found ourselves in the astral sea briefly.”

“Indeed” Essek said having some experience with the nature of that space. “I don’t believe I have heard that story yet.” He continued.

“Probably you will, some day” Caleb said and Essek could sense that this meant the tale of that particular adventure contained sensitive information, information that Caleb did not trust Essek with and he looked at his floating feet once more, unable to make eye contact with the closest friend he had had in years who was saying in no uncertain terms that he was still not to be trusted completely.

“Ah I see… someday then”.

Caleb didn’t want to leave the mood too low for too long. Afterall, he wanted to tell Essek every detail about those halls and their experiences there, but the happy fun ball seemed like it would probably be more of a temptation than was necessarily a good idea, especially if the two of them could work on it together. So, he began floating on ahead and offered Essek his hand.

“Would you like the tour then?” Essek briefly looked up at Caleb floating above him, stretching his hand down to carry him up to his level and couldn’t help but feel the weight of the visual representation of their situation. Caleb looking down, wreathed in light from above while Essek looked up at him and reached for his hand. It was almost like an art piece and he hated to give in to the symbolism.

Still, he grabbed Caleb’s hand and thought “up” to himself until they were level. Much to his surprise Caleb kept their hands intertwined as they floated up to the first floor and it was almost enough to distract Essek from the beautiful library they found themselves in next. Almost. He was a wizard after all. He couldn’t resist the sight of any good collection of books. Essek quickly moved over to the nearest shelf and began scanning title after title and slowly came to a realization.

“You create this space anew every time, correct? It’s not permanently established?”

“Ja, I create it new every time, though I try to keep it close to the same for the most part.”

“So, all of these… these only exist here meaning that these are simply books that you have memorized?” He said with audible admiration.

“Ja. I have a good mind for storing facts.” and he watched as Essek pulled a book from the shelves and began thumbing through pages and couldn’t help but feel to a certain degree as if he was being tested. Essek saw that these books were not just visual representations or the spines of Caleb’s favourite books but complete volumes, written exactly as they were. He found himself feeling that odd mix of jealousy, admiration and something else that he hadn’t quite pinned down that often-accompanied Caleb’s displays of mental prowess. He looked back at Caleb, and though he had had trouble meeting the fellow wizard’s eyes for days - he did not want to see Caleb’s disappointment - he felt compelled to make strong eye contact now to drive home his point.

“I am considered excellent at what I do. I have a keen mind. But this… this is astounding even to me.” Caleb felt the weight of his eyes on him and felt himself flushing somewhat.  

“Well… this is available to you if you wish to read, though I must let you know that many of them are in my original tongue and plenty of these are repeated. Though I have a great love of reading, I have found that I cannot fill an entire library with only my own knowledge just yet.” Essek waved his hand dismissively and Caleb saw just a small hint of the old, confident Essek peek thorough.

“I have arcane means at my disposal to translate. That is not a problem. I thank you.” He bowed his head slightly and stashed a book under his arm.

“But this is only the first floor? Though I would be happy to remain here in the library if that were your wish, I would gladly see more if you would show me?” Though he masked it well from his voice, Caleb could sense the hunger, the eagerness to see more that was familiar to him. Not for the first time, Caleb longed for simpler times in the other wizard’s tower when there was no betrayal hanging between them, simply peers enjoying the pursuit of knowledge and each other's company. Now even the memory of their victory that day felt tainted with the cost of how Essek had acquired much of his knowledge. Caleb pulled himself out of the spiral and offered:

“There is more to seen to be sure. Come. I’ll show you” and he proffered his hand once again. He knew Essek was perfectly capable of following but there was a small part of Caleb that couldn’t resist the small bit of pleasant contact between them that felt safe and distant enough, at least until he could make up his mind about what to do about Essek. Essek for his part noted the texture of Caleb’s hand, memorizing it and studying his internal reaction for future reference- when he had time to unpack all that was causing him to feel. He also noticed the scars just visible at the bottom of the arm of Caleb’s coat but chose not to interrupt this small precious moment of goodwill with a question that may bring up pain for Caleb.

And so, Caleb showed him the majority of the lower levels, going from place-to-place hand in hand, to a point where both hands were clammy and almost asleep but neither wizard was willing to give up their tenuous bond just yet. Essek thought the summoning space in the hall was “quite a brilliant solution” and Caleb informed Essek that he had had to install tiny locking doors on his cat travel system after Jester’s first polymorph escapade and thank goodness he had for Jester decided to provide Lucien with that little tidbit of advice upon first arriving. This caused Essek to actually laugh out loud which took Caleb by surprise.

“Yes, I am unsurprised by this. Jester is a talented person in her own right, but I would not describe her as pragmatic in any sense of the word.” Essek chuckled again. Caleb stopped and looked down at their joined hands a moment.

“Herr Theylyss, may I ask you something? It may be personal” Essek felt a pit of concern begin turning in his stomach but responded:

“Uh- why yes. I thought you were aware that I have made the decision to be fully -uh honest with you ever since… yes you may.” Caleb noted that Essek was fidgeting with his other hand.

“I had wondered why you seem more comfortable around Jester when it is clear that you still struggle to be at ease around … the rest of us at times? I understand that Jester is very talented at - uh-bringing out the best in people shall we say but… I had wondered…” Essek thought for a moment.

“I believe the answer is twofold. Firstly, Jester was the voice of your group to me for many months. It was through her that I was first annoyed with you all, then simply exasperated and then, I will admit, excited to hear from you. In my perspective she was the voice of my...my first friends. I believe to some degree I still expect her intrusions” He looked away at this “Secondly, I know I disappointed her as I disappointed each of you when I… when my decisions came to light but I can tell that Jester wants to forgive me and believes in the good she sees in me, just as Caduceus has hoped for me but I suppose, with the rest of you, in many ways I know that the damage is done and that the days of eating and drinking in that ridiculous hot tub are well over and I-” he paused to collect his thoughts “though I know I deserve it, it can be difficult to face that our bonds will never be what I was hoping they would be.” Essek hadn’t met Caleb’s eyes through this whole speech but a visible dark purple flush was creeping across his features.

“Ah I see.” Caleb began, “yes Jester’s capacity for seeing the positives in life is an admirable quality but” Caleb touched Essek’s chin feather light and turned his face towards him. “You do us a disservice if you think that each of us does not hold hope that you will redeem yourself or see the best in you. You would not be here if we didn’t but I have already told you… it takes time.” Both of them thought back to the moment of his discovery when Caleb managed to stop an oncoming panic attack in its tracks with a kiss on the forehead and his stalwart belief in Essek’s capacity to redeem himself. Looking into his eyes now, Essek saw something almost worse than his worst fear and the reason he been avoiding Caleb’s gaze. He had expected to see disappointment, sadness or even derision in Caleb’s eyes but instead he saw a warmth and a genuine affection that he felt undeserving of. It was never something he had seen before from anyone else; not in the eyes of his parents or siblings, the bright queen, or even his students that viewed him with adoration. Caleb had looked at him that way a few times before but Essek had not dared to hope that look remained after his deceptions were revealed. He felt a wetness swelling in his eyes, but he couldn't pull his gaze away, desperately catching every last second of affection that he could. Caleb was glad to see behind Essek’s carefully laid mask to know that he was being heard and heard truly. He ran his thumb over the soft purple skin along Essek’s jaw.

“Time.” He reiterated. Then he pulled his gaze away and broke them both out of the moment. He dropped Essek’s hand, afraid he’d clench too tightly if he didn’t, taken by a swarm of his own emotions of hurt, betrayal, and still warm caring and concern “I better leave you a little time before supper to clean up ja? Come. I will show you your room.” Essek didn’t say anything but simply nodded, hoping to clamber his mask of semi-indifference back into place.

They got to the landing with all of the doors to the individual bedrooms and both caught a glance into Yasha’s bedroom where Jester could be seen to be braiding Yasha’s hair in a particularly spectacular updo.

“Do you think Beau will like it?” Yasha wondered while looking in the mirror.

“Oh Yasha! She will love it!” Jester started a whole torrent of compliments before Caleb opened the door to the guest bedroom and both of them were distracted by the reveal.

Caleb had a tense knot in his stomach as Essek cautiously stepped, or floated rather, forward. He had hoped that this room could act as a small kind of gift, to show Essek that he still held space for him.

It was a chamber much like the rest of the bedrooms with its bathtub and fireplace, but Caleb had modified the architecture to be more reminiscent of Xhorhos, more specifically the design Caleb had seen in Essek’s tower. The furniture was inspired by that as well, though in different arrangements to accommodate the layout. Fine silver instruments laid upon the desk. Wall hangings precisely as they had appeared in Essek’s tower. There was space for mucking about and chalkboards for scribbling out theories. There was a small library space that was empty save for the books Caleb placed in every room and the large comfortable reading chair in the deep blue velvet that Caleb remembered, with the important distinction that this reading nook had two reading chairs as opposed to the one in Essek’s original study. Caleb watched as Essek floated from place to place taking in the details.

“Uh-ja” he interjected as Essek moved toward the desk. “I only included instruments I could recall from the limited view of your tower I had but if you require more, I have a study and lab that I share with Veth that you are welcome to share with us if you should have anything you wish to work on.” Essek moved over to touch one of the velvet chairs and Caleb cut in again:

“I have – that is- I know what it is like to be far from a patriot but to still miss home so I thought I could include a few familiar touches” Essek nodded silently, and Caleb worried he may have missed the mark.  Essek finally spoke near the bed:

“I haven’t used a bed in many years. I typically just trance at the desk in my study.”

“I was worried you’d say that” Caleb said rushing forward in a fervor that he only acquired when he’d had a particularly exciting idea “thus I have innovated something for wizards everywhere. This will save our necks and shoulders” He tugged on a cord by the bed and revealed on the roof of the four poster was a chalkboard with a floating bit of chalk. He laid down excitedly and pointed up and continued “it works much like transit throughout the space. Simply think what you wish, and the chalk will begin to draw” and the chalk began drawing the figures related to fortunes favor from Caleb’s notes. “This way you may think and rest your body at the same time.” Essek was craning to look up at the chalk board with a small look of amusement glowing in his eyes. It truly was a good idea but far better was the excitement in his friend that accompanied it.

“Truly inspired” he affirmed and began peering around the rest of the space when his eyes landed on the stained glass above the fireplace. Essek floated over to peer at it and Caleb sat up to watch him. The stained glass depicted the Xorhaus as the nein affectionately called the home Essek’s Den had gifted them during their time in Xorhos, with the tree growing up out of it with it’s glittering branches. And in the house could be seen 8 colourful figures sitting around a hot tub. All of the mighty nein were silhouetted in their signature colours and in the very centre were two male silhouettes looking at one another. One purple and one orange. They seemed to be laughing in their pose. Below this there was a scroll that read “Welcome to the Mighty Nein!”.

Essek’s feet hit the floor with a loud thud as he stared at this stained-glass piece. Caleb had never seen Essek lose concentration in his levitating outside of a fight before and instinctually stood up. Essek looked over and then down at his feet somewhat embarrassed.

“My apologies, uh, I just didn’t expect…” and he moved to begin the spell again.

“You have nothing to prove to me Essek.” Caleb cut him off and essek let the spell die, looking back up to the stained glass.

“I had hoped to provide you a sense of home here, but I apologize if I misjudged or over stepped. I had already designed that stained glass before our discussion earlier and I see now that it may be more harmful than helpful. Tomorrow night I can-

“It is perfect.” Essek said quietly as he stepped, actually stepped, towards Caleb, looking as if he was searching for the right thing to say before landing on:

“Thank you. I am humbled by your insight and your skill.” Caleb looked uncomfortable at such high praise and stood, uncertain what to do with himself for several moments before he began moving toward the door.

“Supper in the dining room in fifteen minutes” he said, fleeing all of the feelings that Essek’s presence had caused.

Essek spent the next fifteen minutes in quiet contemplation about the feeling of one hand in another until he heard Caleb shouting as he descended from his room:

“Supper is ready. Please come down everyone.”

Essek opened his door as the other’s spilled onto the landing as well. He heard a massive noise from upstairs roughly the direction Caleb had specified for the lab and everyone paused to look up until Veth leaned out the door with ash covering her face and said:

“I’ll be down in 5 minutes!”

“Is everything alright?” Fjord asked semi-suspiciously.

“Absolutely! Everything is fine. Perfectly and absolutely fine.” smoke was billowing out of the door and dissipating. “I just need five minutes for um...lady stuff. BE RIGHT DOWN!” she shouted as she slammed the door closed again. The rest of the mighty nein seemed to shrug somewhat to Essek’s dismay:

“Should we help her?” he enquired.

“She’s more likely to bite than accept help she hasn’t asked for” Fjord chuckled. “She does this from time to time. I’m sure it’s fine. Besides, I’m starving”. Fjord wrapped an arm around Jester and hopped off the landing and said “Down!” and they began descending. Essek could hear Jester going:

“Oh Oskar! You are so strong” and the beginnings of Fjord’s protest at the jibe.

Meanwhile Beau and Yasha were squaring off and Essek wasn’t certain if they were likely to kiss or fight or both.

“You look...really good Yasha.”

“You like it? I had never tried this style in my hair before.”

“Essek, tell Caleb we’re skipping dinner.” Beau said with some fervor

“What-” Essek began before his question was answered by Beau pulling Yasha into her room and slamming the door. “Ah… I see”. A sudden thud could be heard from the otherside of the door and Essek did not wish to question what had caused it. Suddenly a large hand was patting him on the shoulder.

“You get used to it” Caduceus said.

“What is that?”

“Being a part of something.” Caduceus finished with another pat on the shoulder, then he began to descend for supper as if he hadn’t said something that hit Essek at his very core.

They had a pleasant supper all together and planned some tactics for the next day before everyone adjourned to their various places of rest for the night. Essek went over to the library and collected an armful of books. Frumkin appeared through a little gap in the wall and Essek leaned down to him.

“Do you have a message from your master?” he said hopefully. Frumkin just butted up against him looking to be pet.

“Do you require something?” Frumkin flopped at Essek’s feet. In this moment alone, he smiled a small smile for the cat that contained none of his usual bravado. He crouched down to pet Frumkin exceedingly gently. After a few moments Frumkin was purring loudly.

“I’m glad we are still good friends at least” Essek sighed. “Do you wish to enjoy some reading with me?” Frumkin gave a slight meow that seemed like a yes and Essek picked him up and placed him on his shoulder giving him a little nuzzle on the way. They began to ascend to Essek’s room and Caleb watched them go. He felt somewhat disappointed in himself for this scheme, particularly after seeing Essek’s sweet nature with his cat, but he would not be fooled twice.

Once safely in his room Caleb watched Essek through frumkin’s eyes. He watched and waited and expected some sort of betrayal though he did not hope for one. He waited until everyone else had gone to bed and Essek was the only one remaining awake. He had expected Essek may message someone, scry or even perhaps begin taking notes of the tower. In that whole time Essek had done nothing but read and cast comprehend languages. Eventually Caleb realized he wasn’t going to do anything else. He wasn’t going to betray them. He then spent the better part of an hour wrestling with himself and doing a good amount of internal reflection before coming to a decision. He went down to knock quietly on Essek’s door.

“Yes?” Essek asked, coming to the door in the least precisely put together look Caleb had ever seen from the wizard. His hair was amuck in places, his robe was gone and the shirt beneath was half untucked and he had the slight dark purple imprint on his cheek where he had been leaning his hand. It made him look more approachable than his typical visage as the “Shadowhand”. Perhaps more endearing too.Caleb also noted he wasn’t floating and wondered if that was to do with his earlier comment.

“Have you happened to have seen my cat?” Caleb enquired. Essek was not fooled by the pretense, knowing that Caleb could summon Frumkin at will, but played along.

“Ah my apologies, I have been detaining him to keep me company while I read.” At this Frumkin ran out of the door and began weaving between Caleb’s legs.

“So, this is where you were?” Caleb enquired of him in mock surprise.

“Yes, well it seemed fitting to have him around while reading my first empire fairy tales about such a one.” Essek said brandishing the book.

“You read der katzenprinz?” Caleb asked, legitimately surprised. He had assumed that Essek would have immediately gravitated towards the arcane books.

“I started with another regarding transmutation but this one seemed a bit of an odd one out in the collection so I assumed it must be of some importance to you…” Essek paused getting slightly embarrassed and then noticing how long they had been standing in the doorway.

“Would you like to come in?”

“Actually, I had a thought, if you are too tired, we don’t have to but,” he looked almost pained and rubbed his hand across his mouth and he seemed to make a decision or resolve himself “but we had not quite finished our tour I think.”

“Oh” Essek was somewhat surprised but still eager. “Yes absolutely. Lead the way.” He placed the book on a nearby table while Frumkin ran to his exit in a hole in the wall. As they began to ascend. Essek spoke up softly:

“Is there a reason that Fjord always declares his direction?”

“Other than showmanship? Absolutely not.” Caleb replied.  At this Essek grinned while Caleb opened up the next level.

“I ask that you never come up here without me please Herr Theylyss. Please” he repeated while making pointed eye contact.

“Of course. Whatever it is your wish.” Essek responded genuinely but somewhat surprised as they came to a room full of doors. “What is this place?”

Caleb did not reply but instead said:

“I have only shown the others of the mighty nein this place.” and he opened the door labelled 1. Caleb closed the door behind them as Essek stepped into the humble space and began looking around.

“What is the significance of this house?” He asked before noting the far off look in Caleb’s face.

“Well, I wanted you to know why I found your choices so challenging to ignore. I wanted you to know why it is that I seem to understand so deeply the challenges you face in learning to forgive yourself for what you have done for it is still something I struggle with myself. Deeply.” Essek could sense the gravity of the space for Caleb and came closer.

“I wish you  for to know, as I know your greatest transgression, but you do not know mine and it seems there is an unfair imbalance between us  of late that I  hope to dispel.” Essek was surprised that Caleb thought there was anything comparable to his “transgression” as he put it but thought back to some of the sadness in Caleb and some of the truth in his eyes whenever he talked about the path ahead of Essek and knew there must be something  substantial coming.

“This was my home. I am sure it may be challenging for you to imagine ,coming from such a high-ranking family, but we were happy here.”

“Wealth does not inherently create happy families. In fact, I think it is likely the opposite” Essek put in softly. Caleb nodded and pointed to the small kitchen counter:

“My mother used to make bread here. She used to allow me to take small portions of the dough while she was kneading it and I would make little figures. I would -uh- use them as puppets and tell her stories of magnificent wizards who saved all of the empire from the evil creatures that threatened it. She would turn them into small buns when I was finished and told me that if I ate them, it was like making a wish, and that one day I might become that powerful wizard.” Caleb touched the surface of the table and closed his eyes for a long moment. Essek tentatively put a hand on his shoulder which remained until Caleb went over to the hearth.

“This is where I learned to love fire. My father would feed the flames and show me how to keep it well. He’d tell me that fire could hurt and burn but it could also sustain life. Once I became old enough to manage without harming myself, he let me create the fire every night to practice. Later I practiced control flames here, the first spell I ever learned from a spell book.” Caleb turned to Essek and held his gaze. Essek saw the shame and pain that was written in Caleb’s features.

“You have killed many good people in your thirst for knowledge and power. I … I am no different. I killed good, loving people who only wished that I could have been the powerful wizard who saved the empire… “Caleb swallowed and realization sunk in for Essek. “I killed my family and destroyed this home as a result of Trent Ikathon’s teaching methods. It was seen as a ‘required step in becoming the capable wizards we needed to be to protect our nation’. Still to this day he attests that it is what my family would have wanted though I don’t think our stories in the kitchen could have ever prepared them for their end.” Caleb paused attempting to collect himself. His hands were shaking a great deal, but he pushed forward “I have only just begun the journey to forgiving myself. I keep this room here, not to torture myself but to ensure that this happy home is never forgotten, never lost. Each room on this floor is a moment to be captured and preserved. I will show you another.” A few tears had fallen on Caleb’s face, but he did not seem to notice. Essek didn’t have feel he had an adequate response, but he did not want to leave this space without saying anything.

“You have performed your own dunemancy here. You fixed this in time. It is beautiful. Thank you for showing it to me.” Essek said, hoping he did not say the wrong thing. He had very limited experience with people he would consider loved ones and he had never lost one. Caleb didn’t say anything, but he nodded a thank you and pulled Essek across the hall to another room. It was Caleb’s bedroom in the xorhaus. Essek recognized it immediately by the charming cat figurines on the shelf.

“This was the space where you first entrusted me with dunamancy but I did not preserve it for this reason… I did so because it was the first time we worked together, and I realized you were very much someone I wished to know more. I saw a like mind in you...Essek, I understand exactly what the cost of knowledge and power can be and the folly of chasing them, you have seen this now, but I also understand that draw, that pull of power in a way almost no one else will. I know how easy it is to slip off the path and become a tool for destruction once more, and this is why I find it difficult to fully trust you as you have proven to me that we are too similar, and I do not trust myself even with that.” He had finally said it out loud. Essek had been hanging on the word trust ever since Caleb had said he was more trusted than Trent Ikathon, but here it was. More did not mean much at all. And how could Essek blame him when he was correct? They were very much alike, that was one of the things that had drawn Essek in and convinced Essek to teach Caleb dunamancy against his better judgement. Essek looked and stared at a cat figurine, willing his breath to slow, his eyes to focus. He did not understand what it was particularly that hurt him so much about Caleb having a perfectly, reasonably low opinion of him.

Caleb saw Essek beginning to have difficulty containing his emotions and he closed the space between them to once again place a small kiss on Essek’s forehead before placing his own against it. He put a hand around Essek’s neck gently pulling them together.  

“I have said it takes time and I believe that. My path out of the pit did not move straight forward and I had many setbacks, but I have begun the journey. I did so by taking small steps -and sometimes large ones - every day to leave the world slightly better than I found it.  I will never expunge my past crimes, but I can hope to maybe outweigh them in my overall impact on this world. I see you at the beginning of this journey and I know that one of the most important things in the path to redemption was having companions who walked alongside me on my way to finding it. Having the mighty nein who cared for me and loved me unconditionally, despite these terrible pieces of my past was so...essential… in my ability to begin to overcome them.” His whole body seemed to be sagging with the weight of the world and he pulled away to look in into his eyes “Essek, I know it is easy to see only our faults and everything we have done wrong, but I also know that I am still worthy of forgiveness by some, I am still worthy of friendship and chances to redeem myself and even still worthy of love. And I do not believe this myself many days but Veth and the rest of the nein refuse to allow me to forget it and on days when my belief is not enough, theirs is. And that makes me wish to strive to continue to be worthy of their belief in me. You see?”

Essek was nodding but Caleb could see he was drowning in all of his thoughts.

“Come. I have one more room to show you.” He said gently and walked out of this room. Essek blinked and felt the suddenly jarring distance between them and followed Caleb out of the room. His mind was a swarm.

Caleb placed his hands out for Essek who looked at him somewhat quizzically but took them, nonetheless. They floated up while facing one another to the final floor and Caleb revealed it to him. The floor inspired by dunamancy. Essek’s jaw dropped, and his head swivelled as he took in the room.

“It is no secret that I have a great interest in your craft, but I bring you up here not to remind you of all the power to be gained or lost but to show you of what you already have. You have unlocked so many secrets of the world, but you were never given the chance to study the most important lesson. One that also eluded me for many years. All of this “Caleb gestured out” feels so important, the stretching endless expanse of time and the motes of possibility that we can affect. But” he said firmly “It is not nearly as important as the moment we are living right now, and the people that we share that with.” Essek peeled his eyes off the expanse around them and turned his attention back to Caleb who was looking at him with an expression that he had only seen once before as they unlocked the key to the transmogrification spell. It was a mix of adrenaline, elation, apprehension and excitement. Caleb was building up to something and all Essek could do was be shocked that he was floating in this space of utter beauty and being looked at like that, as if he were the most important thing in the room, as if he was a great spell Caleb was trying to learn the inner workings of.

He began to understand the lesson Caleb was trying to impart as he could not pull his eyes away, despite being surrounded by a veritable playground for his mind, his focus was solely affixed to Caleb and what he would say next. He understood what Caleb meant to say with this room about what really mattered in a way that surprised even Essek himself. Caleb tightened his grasp on Essek’s hands and continued.

“If you will allow me to, herr Theylyss, I wish to do for you what has been done for me. I wish to be the person that reminds you that you can and will find your way back to the light. I wish to be the person who believes in you when you cannot believe in yourself, though I suspect I already have Jester’s help with that.” he quirked a small smile “ I wish to be the one who keeps you in the moment and moving forward. I wish to hold your hand” and he looked down at their joined hands “through your journey to finding yourself.” He squeezed their hands together tightly and then he looked back up with nerves clattering “Essek, you are important to me and I have felt a bond with you since the first time we studied together.  That has not gone or broken the way you seem to believe. You have hurt me, yes, but I am still here to hold your hand and hoping that you will prove that my forgiveness is not for nothing. Hoping that you will find a way to be prove that all of this love that I feel for you is not unjustified... for I do not wish for it go to waste.” He searched Essek’s expression and found it unreadable.

Years of practice freezing his face in moments of panic had caused Essek to almost completely shut down while he attempted to process a response. He pulled away from Caleb slightly and sought to pull his hands into a robe he realized he wasn’t wearing. He wished he could hide how his hands were inclined to fidget.

“I uh-” He began “This is much to process.” Essek stammered out. Caleb was already feeling disappointment seep in. He knew that he had thrown a lot of uncomfortable feelings at Essek in a short amount of time, but he had hoped that there would be at least a degree of enthusiasm for his final declaration. Still, he did not want to pressure Essek.

“Of course.” Caleb said failing to hide his disappointment. “I will leave you to your thoughts Herr Theylyss” he said nodding in a formal way.

Essek was still simply busy processing the word love. He was turning it over in his mind and examining it as it was a fully novel concept to him. He tested out how it felt as a description of that odd feeling of warmth in his chest and stomach when he saw Caleb get excited, or smile, or that small tug at an invisible rope in his chest that could be felt when he saw Caleb being good at, well, almost anything. He considered if that had been why Caleb’s opinion had mattered so much more than most. And here he was, standing before Essek and telling him that he could have that love returned. That he felt that way about him. That he was somehow deserving despite all of the things that he had done.

He thought then how he had felt nothing but sympathy and sorrow for Caleb as he heard of what he had done to his parents. He did not blame him for his foolishness in trusting and believing in the things Trent Ikathon had said. Could Essek really be given the same grace?

Around the time that Caleb was just beginning to descend out of the room, Essek’s mind finally caught up with what he had said.

“No!” Essek shouted. “No. No. I did not mean it this way. I just-“ Essek took a breath and felt the mask slipping away and for once he allowed himself to be laid bare in front of someone. Caleb rose back up to his level. “I don’t know if I have ever been loved in the way that you have described. It simply took me a moment to understand. You spoke of loving parents, but I have never been more than a means to end for my family. I was a product of incredible amounts of pressure but never loving care or attention. I was to be useful. Then I became the shadowhand and I had to be distant from the rest. It was my duty to be useful to the bright queen, but it only alienated me further from my peers. It made it easy to betray them when the chance was offered because I had never been close with any of them. I regret so much of what I have done, all the pain that I have caused” Essek grabbed at his own hair and Caleb was surprised to see him allowing himself to be this expressive “but it is made far worse now knowing what friendship and love can be like. To think that I caused people to go off and fight in a war that did not matter and worse that both sides felt losses comparable to what I would feel if you were to be harmed. It feels almost unbearable to know that I could have caused that much pain” Essek began sputtering, tears streaming down his face. “And still, you stand before me and say that I am worthy of redemption and that I am worthy of love?” Essek was ranting now but it was as if so many of the feelings he had always held down couldn’t help but burst forth now that they were given a small bit of freedom. Caleb wrapped his arms around him and held him close, with one hand stroking his hair. Essek rambled on “you had it right when you said I had missed an essential lesson along the way. How could I have been so blinded by my research and studies to never see that the people they would benefit were the point, not knowledge for knowledge’s own sake? And still, you hold me as if I am something precious rather than wretched. It is a kindness greater than I deserve for truthfully, I can tell that you know the weight of what you have done, but until today, until now, I still had never comprehended the depths of the pain my actions caused… to so many.”

At this Essek dissolved into sobs and Caleb held him through them. He kept stroking Essek’s hair and gave him small soft kisses on the top of his hair and waited for the sobbing to peter out. He did everything he wished someone could have done for him when he was going through this. Eventually it seemed Essek had cried himself out. He was still shaking and there were tear lines stained into his purple skin, but he pulled himself back a little to look at Caleb. Before Essek could apologize again Caleb said again:

“It takes time.” Essek nodded sadly and put his hand out for Caleb who clasped it and kissed it his knuckles lightly. “But.” Caleb continued “that does not mean you must spend it alone. I meant what I said. If you wish to be loved and reminded of all the things you are worth and what makes the moment worth living in, I am happy to offer that to you. And perhaps together we can work to make the world a little bit better than when we found it ja? So no other young people go unloved or get led astray?”

Essek was still feeling a whole spectrum of emotions but was able to centre himself enough to unabashedly meet Caleb’s eyes and spoke.

“Yes, I think I would very much like to do that, but with one stipulation.” Caleb smiled at the return of some of Essek’s former, confident demeanor “I know you have many in your life with more experience in affection than I, but I would like to offer my love, as … untested as it imay be, in trade. Together we can hypothesize,experiment and test its bounds until you believe it is up to your standards? Do these conditions seem fair to you?” Caleb was smiling in a way that made Essek pleased, and caused him to consider being reckless once more.

“Ja I think that is accepta-” and before Caleb could finish, Essek pulled him into a kiss. He wrapped his arms around Caleb’s waist and Caleb’s hands found their way into Essek’s hair. They kissed deeply and with the release of the many conflicting emotions both of them had felt over the past weeks.

Essek found the texture of Caleb’s lips and stubble to be a bit surprising but planned on savouring every bit of the feeling. He approached this kiss almost like learning a new spell from Caleb, and followed his lead through the unfamiliar, for though Essek had kissed before, never with much feeling behind it, and this was an entirely different experience. His heart was pounding in his ears, his chest felt full of fireworks and there was something that felt hooked inside of both of them, drawing them closer. It was a startling powerful sensation.

Caleb was surprised not only by the kiss but by the intensity it quickly developed. He felt Essek’s hands pushing into his back and keeping him close, and the soft strands of essek’s hair moving beneath his fingers and the warmth of Essek’s lips and was intoxicated, drinking in every last bit of the experience that he could.

Finally, they broke apart, both flushed and breathing heavily. Essek found himself smoothing down the front of Caleb’s shirt for something to do and pulling a few pieces of cat hair off of it as he asked:

“May I ask something of your path to redemption?” He continued to try to compose his features but couldn’t resist the smile that kept making itself known on his face. It was a broader smile than Caleb had ever seen on Essek and it made his chest squeeze. He thought it would be a new mission of his to procure that smile more often.

“Yes Essek?”

“If we do not have to be alone, are we also allowed happiness? For I must admit that I think this is the happiest I have been in… sometime, perhaps ever.” Caleb thought and looked serious.

“I think so yes. I have to believe that is so.”

“In that case, I think we should kiss more often.” And at that Caleb laughed a full and genuine laugh and kissed Essek on the cheek following by cupping his face in his hands, allowing his thumb draw over the spot that was just kissed.

“Ja. That can certainly be arranged.” and he pulled Essek’s face down for another kiss on the forehead. “But for tonight I think it best if we both get some rest.” He grabbed Essek’s hand once more and descended into the tower, closing doorways behind them until they stopped at Essek’s room.

“I think I may need some time to wind down after all of that” Essek admitted.

“I think I shall be similar.” Caleb agreed.

“In that case, do you wish to read a while with me? Only I had noticed someone had placed 2 chairs in my reading nook.” Essek said with a conspiratorial smile. Caleb seemed to debate with himself a moment before coming in.

“But if I do not recover my spells, I will have to blame you Theylyss.”

“These terms are acceptable to me” Essek replied with a smile that belied his serious tone. And they each took an armchair and began reading, with their hands held between them.

Eventually Essek awoke from a trance he hadn’t even noticed he’d fallen into. His book had fallen into his lap and his hand had drifted out of Caleb’s somewhere in the night. He only required a short trance to be rested but Caleb would need more sleep and was currently snoring lightly from his armchair. Essek cautiously placed both of their books aside and used his levitation spell to float Caleb gently over to the bed. He tucked Caleb in and gave him the gentlest kiss on the forehead and then used the chalkboard above the bed to scrawl I was worried about your neck and shoulders which he felt had just the right amount of cheeky touch.

Essek pondered getting into the bed as well but felt it may be too presumptuous, so instead he sat at the desk at his study and began writing out the events of the night, hoping to capture it’s every detail. Though he had a good memory, he hoped to preserve this turning point for himself the way Caleb preserved history in his rooms upstairs. So, he wrote while Caleb slept.

When the hustle and bustle of the others moving about the tower finally awoke Caleb, he had the moment of concern that arises when waking in a different spot than where you fell asleep, until he saw the message above the bed and smiled to himself.

“The world better watch out if one kiss is all it takes to get Essek Theylyss to start writing jokes” Caleb called out to the room.

Essek came over, looking somehow more perfect than ever this morning (Caleb being unaware that Essek had fussed by the mirror for 20 minutes for the perfectly tousled look…) and handed Caleb a coffee that he had summoned via the cat system. Caleb took it gratefully as he sat up in bed and Essek came to sit next to him on the edge of the bed.

“Imagine what will happen after 2,3 or even 100 kisses?” Caleb continued his jibe. Essek simply raised an eyebrow at him:

“I suppose we will have to test it to find out.”  

“I suppose we will” Caleb replied with a grin.

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #74: Nursery Rhyme

Today on Fate and Phantasms, we’re making a hero of the children, Nursery Rhyme! You might think being a book would make adventuring difficult, but it actually makes it much easier (for you, not the person carrying you). Just make sure you skip ahead if things get too scary, getting pages torn out hurts.

Check out the build breakdown below the cut, or book it here to see her character sheet!

Race and Background

You might not have noticed, but ‘living book’ isn’t a race in D&D, so this will technically be more of an Alice build (or Lewis Carrol?) than Nursery Rhyme. Don’t worry, the star of the show will pop up soon enough. We’re starting off as a Human though, giving you and Nursery Rhyme +1 to all stats. You’re also a Cloistered Scholar, thanks to literally being a book. This gives you proficiency in History and Nature.

Stats

You might be a kid, but you’re also a book, so your Intelligence should be pretty high. Also, you might be a book but you’re also a kid, so your Charisma should be next. Books aren’t known for being hard to kill, so you’ll want your Dexterity to be high to get out of the way of attacks. After that is Constitution; I know what I just said, but you’re still a servant. Your Wisdom is a bit low-”practical” knowledge isn’t your forte. Finally, dump Strength. You’re a child, book, and caster. None of those things are that strong.

Class Levels

1. If we want to make a living book, we’ll have to be pretty clever at magic, so we’re a Wizard. This gives you proficiency in Intelligence and Wisdom saves, as well as two wizard skills; you’re literally a reflection of other people’s minds, so your Insight is pretty good. You’re also literally made out of magic, so you should know your Arcana. 

First level wizards learn Spells that use their Intelligence to cast and prepare. You also get Arcane Recovery, letting you recover half your wizard level, rounded up, in total spell levels on a short rest. You’re made of magic, so running out is a bad idea.

Wizards get a lot of spells, especially at first level, so forgive me for being brief here. You get Minor Illusion (get creative with it), Gust, and Frostbite (Wind and Ice magic are a little bit your thing) for your cantrips. For first level spells, Magic Missile and Mage Armor are classics at this point, Feather Fall is another way to use wind to your advantage, Disguise Self will help you transform, Sleep will help you lull kids to nap, and finally, you get Fog Cloud thanks to your connection to the London Singularity.

2. Second level wizards pick a school of magic, and the Order of Scribes will help you make a sentient spellbook, which is pretty important for this build. When you pick this subclass, you learn how to make a Wizardly Quill as a bonus action. It reduces the time needed to copy spells, and you can use your bonus action to erase anything you’ve written with it that’s within 5′ of you. You can also make an Awakened Spellbook. It’s sentient, can be used as your casting focus, allows you to replace one spell’s damage type with another if they share a spell level, and you can ignore the additional time caused by ritual casting once per long rest. You can only have one at a time, but it can be replaced over a short rest, using your wizardly quill and a blank book or attuned spellbook.

For your spells, Color Spray creates a dazzling display that can blind creatures in its area of effect. You can also cast Comprehend Languages to help translate yourself.

3. Third level wizards get second level spells. Alter Self properly changes your form instead of relying on an illusion, and Gust of Wind gives you a stronger wind attack. Not actually damaging, but stronger.

4. Use your first Ability Score Improvement to bump up your Intelligence for stronger spells. Speaking of, you learn to make Friends, and can use Invisibility to be awesome at hide and seek. You also get Enlarge/Reduce, which will make more sense in a bit.

5. Fifth level wizards get third level spells. Fire isn’t really your thing, but thanks to your awakened spellbook, that doesn’t matter and you can get Fireball anyway! Your Nameless Forest also starts to grow at this level, allowing you to Slow down enemies.

6. You can finally ascend to your second stage thanks to Manifest Mind at sixth level. As long as your Awakened Spellbook is on your person, you can use a bonus action to create a tiny glowing construct. The Mind is intangible, so you only have to worry for Alice’s health if an enemy know Dispel Magic. It has 60′ of darkvision, and you can use an action to see through it for as long as you maintain concentration. You can cast spells through it as well, a number of times per long rest equal to your proficiency modifier. It uses your bonus action to move 30′ per round, and can pass through creatures, but not objects. Also, it has to stay within 300′ of you.

You can manifest a mind this way once per long rest, or by burning spell slots.

Remember how we got Enlarge/Reduce earlier? This is why. If you want to be child sized, you’ll have to spend your concentration doing so.

You can now Summon Fey Spirit to bring the Jabberwock down on your enemies, or use a Hypnotic Pattern for a more effective Nameless Forest that stops people entirely. Also, Summon Fey Spirit is complicated, so check the character sheet for all its abilities.

7. Seventh level wizard, meet fourth level spells! Confusion is another mind melting spell, with the added benefit that it doesn’t end on taking damage. Fabricate will help you bring your wonderland a bit more to life, as long as you have raw materials on hand.

8. Use your next ASI to become an Elemental Adept, ignoring resistance to Cold damage and causing every damage die you roll that does cold damage to be at least 2. We’d grab this again for wind magic too, but bludgeoning isn’t an option.

For your spells, Hallucinatory Terrain will help you make an actual forest if you want it, and Ice Storm is a big ol’ storm of ice. Or whatever else you want it to be, right now it could be force, fire, or just pure bludgeoning damage too. 

9. Another two levels has passed, so you’ve got fifth level spells! Animate Objects literally brings your wonderland to life to attack enemies, and Creation will help you make whatever you need, so long at it fits in a 5′ cube and isn’t a spell component. Now you can literally make candy out of nothing, awesome!

10. At tenth level you become a Master Scrivener, allowing you to copy a level 1 or 2 spell onto a blank sheet of paper or parchment, creating a spell scroll only you can read at the end of a long rest. It has to take an action to cast, but when you do it casts at one level higher than its base. It can be used once, and lasts until the end of your next long rest. You also only use half the cost and time to make normal spell scrolls.

For spells, Message and Dream are good ways to tell stories or other information without being overheard. You can also Control Winds, slowing down enemies, preventing flying creatures from flying, or making an updraft to prevent falling damage and add to your vertical jump.

11. You know the drill by now. Eleventh level of wizard, sixth level of spells. You can now turn your Nameless Forest into a Mental Prison, locking one creature in place if it fails an intelligence save. Making the intelligence save or being forced out of the prison also causes psychic damage, so that’s fun. We’ll also pick up an upgrade for the Jabberwock while we’re here, turning it into a fiend with Summon Fiendish Spirit. It’s similar to Fey Spirit, but there’s different abilities available, so check that out in the character sheet too.

12. Use this ASI to maximize your Intelligence to make a wonderland that even fewer people will want to leave.

You can also Detect Thoughts because you are someone’s thoughts, or you can make a Sleet Storm for hilarious pratfalls and to ruin someone’s concentration. 

13. At this level, you get seventh level spells, like Mirage Arcane which lets you make even more realistic landscapes and Simulacrum to make yourself a slightly more permanent body.

14. Fourteenth level scribes are One with the Word, giving you advantage on all arcana checks while holding your storybook. When you take damage with Alice out and about, you can prevent all that damage by killing her instead and temporarily losing spells from your book with a total level equal to 3d6. If there aren’t enough spells to cover that cost, you instantly drop to 0 hp instead. Until you finish 1d6 long rests, you can’t cast them again. Also, you can only use this reaction once per long rest.

You also grab Whirlwind for your first truly damaging wind spell, and Polymorph for further shapeshifting shenanigans.

15. For your eighth level spells, grab Feeblemind to finish the effects of Nameless Forest, destroying a creature’s intelligence and charisma scores. You also get Telepathy, because frankly wizards have too many spells.

16. Use this ASI to round up your Constitution and Charisma so you can get hit a bit more and so people want to hit you a bit less. You also learn how to Modify Memory to ‘help’ people play in your Nameless Forest forever, and Stinking Cloud because that’s the closest we’ve got to demonic fog.

17. You finally have ninth level spells, giving you Wish for the truly powerful parts of your noble phantasms, and Gate to travel to other stories.

18. Eighteenth level wizards have Spell Mastery, giving you a first and second level spell you can cast for free. I’d pick Fog Cloud for a permanent London mist and Enlarge/Reduce so you can always be child-sized, but you do you- this is a guide, not a mandate.

You also get even more spells; Greater Invisibility and Fly will help you enter your spirit form for when you don’t want to deal with something.

19. Use your last ASI to improve your Dexterity so you get hit less. You also learn Cone of Cold for one last icy blast, and Counterspell to prevent anyone from ending your fun early.

20. Your capstone level of wizard gives you two Signature Spells, third level spells you can cast once per day for free. I picked Hypnotic Pattern and Summon Fey Spirit so you can keep your NPs at the ready.

For your final spells, grab Scrying to help you find new stories and Investiture of Wind for one of the few wind spells that actually does damage.

Pros: 

Your Awakened Spellbook means your magical damage is very flexible. You can play to your strengths with cold damage when it’s convenient, but you can always fall back on a Forceball when up against anything that is immune. This also gives you great opportunity to flavor your spells to go the extra mile at the table, which could net you some DM points in the long run. Maybe.

You’re a solid support caster, able to spy on targets and relay information to the rest of the team with spells, slow down enemies, or control the battlefield through wind and ice.

Finally, your life is tied to your spellbook, meaning you can die a lot before it actually takes. That probably isn’t good for you, but living is always better than being dead.

Cons:

If you plan to die a lot, it’s probably going to happen, because both you and Nursery Rhyme have very low health. Yours is just barely above 100, and hers isn’t even past 30 unless you use a simulacrum. I know the construct is flavorful, but you should probably just be yourself.

Summoning and charming both use Concentration, so you’ll have to be careful with your Noble Phantasms. Also, your concentration isn’t that good to begin with, but that’s to be expected of a kid.

Also, while your spell attacks are flexible, it takes a while for you to get them. Until level 5, your only attacks are magic missile and frostbite, so be prepared to lean on the rest of the party if a fight breaks out at low levels.

Next up: Another child! A lot of children, actually...

[enamoured-x]

for you i’d bleed myself dry

Poe Dameron x Reader

Part 2

Summary: You give Poe what he needs in order for him to sleep through the night. 

*Not my gif

Word count: 2.5k

Part 2

You made your way through the crowd as lunch was being served, BB-8 at your heels. You had been working on repairing your x-wing all morning, just a few minor setbacks from a mission a while back. Beebs was aiding you, seeing as his dad had been busy with meetings with the general. 

“I don’t know about you, beebs, but I’m starving.” You joked with the astromech. You headed straight toward the line and grabbed a tray, food being plopped onto it left and right. You could care less about what was on today’s menu, you just needed to eat. 

Finn and Rey called you over to the table they were occupying and you quickly took a seat. 

“How was training?” You asked Rey, ripping off a piece of your bread.

“Nothing special enough to report about.” She said indifferently. But you knew better, Rey was struggling with mastering her power. You gave her a small smile. 

“Well, I for one think it’s time for a little break.” Finn interjected. Your brows raised. 

“A break?” 

“A break. I say we break out the ale tonight and have a little bit of fun.” He smiled, so proud of his idea.

“A little bit of fun, huh?” You toyed with the idea of taking a moment to relax. It was hard in these times, you were always so tense, shoulders always to your ears, teeth clenched. You rarely had moments where you felt like you could exhale without a problem arising. 

“Just a little.” He pinched his fingers. You sighed. 

“I’m in.” You said. Rey nodded her head, a smile forming on her lips.

“Me too.” 

“Well, now all we have to do is get Poe on board and then–” You were just about to tell Finn that you knew Poe would be all for it, when the man himself walked into the mess hall. With a blonde attached to his side. You bit your tongue and turned away from him, focusing on your food. BB-8 chirped, at first of joy from seeing Poe and then he let out another few noises, he was not a fan of who he was with. 

“Who is that?” Finn asked, bitterly. Both of their attention now on you, watching you. 

“I don’t know.” You shrugged. You really didn’t. Poe wasn’t the man everyone thought he was. Sure he had his fair share of hookups, but lately he was focused on other things. He was a commander, he had a lot riding on his shoulders. But apparently not enough to keep him away from a pretty blonde from some small planet in the outer rim. 

“They’re coming over.” Rey warned. You wished they hadn’t picked up on your crush for Poe all those months ago. They would tease you often about him but they never said anything to him or encouraged anything. You were strict about that. You and Poe were the best of friends and you didn’t want to lose that to some stupid crush. You didn't want to lose him. So you kept it to yourself hoping and praying that it might go away, but nothing. You were gone for the starfighter pilot and it was slowly killing you. 

“Hey, guys!” Poe smiled as he stood in front of your table. The girl still wrapped around his arm, looking smug as she looked directly at you. You didn’t give her the satisfaction of showing any kind of emotion. You could only imagine she thought you two were a thing, just as everyone else had. 

“Poe.” Finn greeted and then eyed the girl. She looked away as Rey and Finn sized her up. 

“So what’s up?” Poe asked, oblivious to it all. Oblivious to how awkward this was. Oblivious to how much it hurt seeing another woman at his side.

“Finn here had the genius idea of having a little bit of fun tonight.” Rey said, now smiling. 

“Fun? I’m in. When and where?” Poe asked. You took notice that he was not touching her, she was touching him. But still, he was letting her. 

“Tonight, out by the fire.” Finn answered. Poe nodded at the idea and then said a few more words before parting. The girl still clinging to him. 

BB-8 had a few choice chirps for Poe’s attention being elsewhere. 

“I know, B. I know.” Because you did know. You did understand. And maybe you were being selfish. You and Poe were always together, every minute of the day it seemed like sometimes. You couldn’t be mad that you didn’t have all his attention. He wasn’t yours and you weren’t his. Sometimes, that thought hurt you a lot more than you cared to admit. 

“I still think you should tell him.” Finn pointed out, a sad smile on his face. You shook your head. 

“No, I love him too much to ruin our friendship like that.” 

“But how do you know he–” 

“Drop it, Finn.” Rey told him. You sighed. BB-8 nudged your leg, letting you know he was there for you. Poe’s damn droid knew of your feelings and although beebs was loyal to his master, he’d never tell Poe. 

“Let’s just enjoy tonight. Alright?”

-

You were pleased to see Poe by himself as he joined the group of rebels around the fire. He took up the spot next to you, no surprise to anyone. 

“Pass the damn ale.” Poe said, causing the group to chuckle. The few bottles made the rounds and ended up with you. You took a swig and then passed it off to Poe. 

Finn and Rey were across the fire, talking to Snap and Rose. 

“Who was the girl?” Jess asked from the other side of Poe. You turned to him, waiting for his answer. 

“New medic.” Is all Poe offered, shrugging. You tried to hide your bitterness by taking a chug of the liquor in your hand. 

“Woah, wait up for me.” Poe said, taking the bottle from you and repeating your movements. He grinned at you and your heart beat faster. Damn him. 

You took another chug. 

You had your legs splayed out in front of you, the fire still burning. Some of the group turned in for the night, leaving only a handful of resistance members. 

You were slightly buzzed, tired yet wide awake. Poe was the same way. He now had his head in your lap, looking up at you as he talked. You couldn’t help but move some of his curls to the side, clearing his head. He let out a little hum at the touch and you swallowed hard. You wanted to move your hand away but you couldn’t, instead you softly ran your fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes and sighed. You nudged your thigh into his head. 

“I hope you’re not falling asleep on me, Dameron.” 

“You’re comfortable.” He mumbled. You rolled your eyes but didn’t bother him again. Instead, striking up a conversation with Jess. She didn’t bat an eye at you two, already used to how close you both were. Jess was smart though, you assumed she had figured out something was going on. Well, nothing was going on, but she had to know you were the idiot pinning for someone who was not available. 

Eventually everyone started to leave, it was late and this little break was fun, but you all still had jobs to get to in the morning. 

“Need help with him?” Finn asked as he stood above you, the last one to turn in for the night. 

“No, I got him. You go get some rest.” He hesitated but nodded and walked away. 

It was quiet now. Just you and Poe. The fire was dim but it casted enough glow onto Poe’s face. Maker, he was beautiful. Your heart strained as you took him in. As you slightly trailed a finger down his cheek. He looked so at peace, so relaxed. He didn’t get moments like these and if anyone deserved them, it was Poe. 

He stirred awake and then opened his eyes, the brown glowing from the fire light. You swooned as he looked up at you and smiled something soft and lazy. 

“Hey, gorgeous.” He said, lifting his hand to your face. You flushed at his words. 

“Poe. I thought I told you not to fall asleep.” You joked. He laughed but made no move to remove his head from your legs. 

“Sorry. You play with my hair like that, you suffer the consequences.” You snorted. He finally sat up, and although your thigh was thankful for it, you wished you could stay like that for a bit longer. 

“Who knew Poe Dameron liked to be pet like a damn loth cat.” You teased, he rolled his eyes. You had met the creatures once and although mean at first, they warmed up to you and some even let you pet them. And then didn’t want you to stop. 

Poe pulled his knees up to rest his forearms on them. You were happy he wasn’t eager to leave yet. You enjoyed the quiet from the usual hustle and bustle of camp. You liked having Poe all to yourself. 

You couldn’t help but stare at him as he looked into the fire. Something changed in his eyes. Something was off. Something was wrong with him.

“Hey,” you nudged his shoulder with yours, “you good?”

He looked over to meet your gaze. Something gloomy deep in his eyes. You frowned and placed a hand on his arm. He looked at your hand, you almost moved it until he placed a hand on top of yours. 

“They’ve started back up again.” He said, still staring at your hands. 

“What have?”

“The night terrors.” You sighed. Poe had dealt with some nightmares in the past, but they had stopped and he had been fine since then. It looked like they were plaguing him again. 

“What about this time?” 

He swallowed hard and then looked up at you.

“Losing you, losing Finn and Rey. Losing everyone that I love.” You squeezed his arm and then cupped his face with your other. He leaned into the touch and you tried to push your feelings deep deep down. He needed you right now, he came first, your feelings came last. He always came first with you.

“Poe, you won’t lose us. We’re here and we’re not going anywhere. Not without a fight at least.” He smiled small and then leaned his forehead against yours. Push them down, you reminded yourself. He needs you. 

“I’m scared to fall asleep. I don’t want to see…” You leaned back to look in his eyes. You could see the toll these dreams were having on him. His job weighed heavy on him and to add the nightmares to the list, well he was definitely not doing well. 

“Would you feel better if I slept with you?” You wished you had never said anything when he hesitated. But the red on his cheeks told you another story, he was embarrassed at the idea. At the idea that he needed someone to keep him company because he was having nightmares. 

“I think so, but if you don’t–”

“Hey, I wouldn’t suggest it if I didn’t want to. Come on, Poe. It’s me.” 

It’s me, I’d do anything for you. 

“Okay, yeah. I’d like that.” He nodded his head. You stood up as he did. 

“Yours or mine?”

“Mine, if you don’t–”

“I don’t mind, Poe.” 

So you two walked down to his room, only a few doors down from your quarters. He typed in his code and you both entered. BB-8 was already on his charger but when you both entered he awoke, giving a few happy chirps at seeing you. 

“She’s staying with us tonight, buddy.” More happy whirls and chirps. You smiled at the droid and then turned to face Poe. 

You took off your jacket and Poe turned away to give you privacy. Part of you wished he’d look. Part of you also didn’t know if you could handle it. 

“Can I borrow a shirt?” You asked him, wanting to take off your jeans but your shirt would not cover you enough. He didn’t say anything as he went to his drawer and took out a light brown colored shirt and handed it to you without looking. You took it and thanked him. You then slipped off your jeans and shoes. Leaving you in just Poe’s shirt. It went down to mid thigh but still left little to the imagination. You couldn’t find it in you to care, you didn’t want to sleep in your jeans and well, it was Poe, you were close enough. 

“Done.” You said and he turned. You saw him swallow as he looked you up and down. You were sure your cheeks were red now. 

“Are we going to bed or?” You raised a brow. He cleared his throat and nodded, starting to remove articles of clothing. You made yourself busy by sliding into his bed. You settled in and were immediately greeted with the smell of pine, a tinge of x-wing fuel, and something purely Poe. It smelled like home. You pushed that daunting thought away to then realize Poe was staring at you. And you swallowed when you saw he was shirtless, in just his underwear. 

“This is how I usually sleep.” He offered an explanation. 

“Well, I usually sleep naked so.” You shrugged. His eyes widened and then he wore a small smirk. 

“So why aren’t you nude now?” You rolled your eyes. He was just teasing after all. 

“Just get in here, Dameron.” You pulled the blanket back and he didn’t hesitate to slide right in. His body warmth immediately warmed you up. 

“Tell me what you need.” You said. The tension now heavy with the reason why you were here. 

“I…I think…can you just hold me?” This was Poe. Unfiltered, unashamed. No brave mask, no smile to hide his feelings, this was Poe. Your Poe. Not your Poe. 

“Anything you need. Turn around.” He did as you said, back now facing you. You scooted against his back and wrapped an arm around his stomach, trying not to think about touching his bare taut chest. Your other hand going under your pillow. Your lips skimmed the back of his neck as you got comfortable and he sighed. You didn’t even think as you placed a kiss at the back of his neck. He settled into you further and placed his arm over yours. 

“Get some rest, Poe. I’m here.” He calmed at your words and within a few minutes he was out cold. You breathed him in and settled in yourself. But you heard a few content sighs and turned slightly to see BB-8 had not gone back to sleep to charge but rather had been watching the whole interaction.

“You little eavesdropper.” He made a few noises about how technically you knew he was there. You rolled your eyes and said a quick goodnight to him before you breathed in Poe’s scent one last time and fell asleep. 

Taglist: @starrynite7114 @briannab1234 @imaginecrushes @benakenalove @springfox04

[monstersdownthepath]

Milestone Spotlight: Deskari, Lord of the Locust Host

Chaotic Evil Demon Lord of Chasms, Infestations, and Locusts

Domains: Chaos, Destruction, Evil, War Subdomains: Blood, Catastrophe, Demon, Tactics

The Complete Book of the Damned, pg. 42~43

Obedience: Meditate while allowing insects or worms of any type to crawl upon your body. If no such vermin is available, you must instead lie facedown in a trench dug into soil and mouth prayers to Deskari into the dirt while scratching yourself with sharp bits of bone or wood. Benefit: Gain a +4 profane bonus on saving throws against disease and against effects caused by Vermin.

Have a buggy familiar? Done. Don’t have one, but a party member does? Done. No one have a buggy familiar? Keep some bugs as a pet; done. Can’t? Well then this gets a little harder. Plopping yourself down besides an anthill is unfeasible for multiple days in a row, not to mention dangerous to your health if they believe you’re a carcass that must be scavenged. Sometimes, you can just dig straight down a little bit to find some nice worms to plop right onto your chest for an hour, though heaping loose soil on yourself every day has dangers of its own.

Not as many as the secondary option, though. The wording here implies that you can’t use mud or sand, though your DM may be a bit more lenient here because it also requires you to scratch yourself to pieces with sharpened wood and bone. Thankfully you don’t need a carved knife or anything so complex, you can just snap a branch off a tree or somesuch if you need to (and bones are always available for adventurers!), but covering yourself in bleeding scratches every day will likely get people wondering what on earth you’re doing each time you vanish for an hour, which can lead to numerous uncomfortable questions. Unlike many Demon Lords, Deskari is known all across the Inner Sea Region because he’s responsible for the Worldwound, one of the greatest threats to life on the entire planet, and as such if you’re publicly found to be one of his followers? Roll up a new sheet, bud. It only gets harder if you use literally any of Deskari’s Boon abilities in public, too.

The added danger of worshiping one of the most prominent Demon Lords in the setting can make for an experience that’s both interesting and potentially hair-pulling, because you’ve got to make extra sure not to have your faith revealed to the authorities of a given settlement. At the very least, dropping bug-infested soil onto your body each day to perform the first ritual could be explained away as you communing with nature or the earth, rather than the insects within the earth, but carving up your own skin while laying facedown in a hole is a pretty big red flag. ... Also, now that I think about it, if you’re facedown in a hole, it’d be pretty difficult to scratch anything but your back and sides, right? Hm.

The benefit is low-tier. Diseases are rarely too much of a danger if you have any sort of caster in your party, though stopping them before they begin will save you a bit of gold in the long run. A universal saving throw bonus against the abilities of an entire creature type would be fantastic if that creature type wasn’t Vermin, who are known for A) disease and B) poison and little else. In Deskari’s favor, this bonus does indeed apply to the Distraction ability of most swarming Vermin, so a bit of extra help to avoid being Nauseated is always welcome.

Boons are acquired slowly: the first once you reach 12 hit dice, the second at 16, and the third at 20. However, the Evangelist, Exalted, and Sentinel Prestige Classes can be entered as early as level 7; doing so grants you the Boons at levels 10, 13, and 16 instead. Servants of demons may also take the Demoniac Prestige Class; you don’t get the Boons any faster than E/E/S, but you may select which Boon set you get, and you get cool demon-related powers!

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EVANGELIST

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Boon 1: Locusts’ Gifts. Gain Jump 3/day, Acid Arrow 2/day, or Fly 1/day

Why bother looking at Jump when Fly is an option? Granted, getting affected with Jump at level 10 (the earliest you can get this spell) means you can, among other things, clear a 30ft gap with no effort and get yourself an Eight Foot Vertical Leap... But flight will always be infinitely more useful. The biggest difference is that, while they last the same amount of time (1 min/level), you get Jump 3/day. It’s really up to you if Eight Foot Vertical Leap three times a day would be more useful for your character than a 60ft fly speed once a day, though to me, staying out of an enemy’s reach is always preferable.

Acid Arrow is alright in that respect. The damage it deals is pathetically low, but it’s repeated damage that cannot be resisted once it begins (unless the victim can jump in some water immediately) and both castings of the spell can stack together to make the damage stack on. I personally can’t think of a reason you’d take it over Fly, though.

Boon 2: Avatar of the Locust Host. 1/day, you can cast Verminous Transformation as a spell-like ability; the swarming parts of your body are comprised of locusts, and your swarm attack deals double damage to Plant creatures.

For 1 round/level, you transmute portions of your body into swarming locusts that can chow down on up to four Medium targets (or one Large+ target) within 10ft of you, automatically dealing 4d6 damage and forcing the victim to make a Fortitude save (10+1/2 your HD+Cha mod) or take 1d3 Con and Str damage from poison. Spooky! It also forces you into melee range more or less, but your swarm form also means you only take half damage from piercing and slashing attacks!

Also, it hits four targets for automatic damage. If you find yourself in a melee you want no part of, suddenly exploding into locusts and harrying your foes can break their morale in a hurry. Slapping four enemies at once means you can easily chew through smaller foes while damaging larger ones without the usual dangers of using AoE magic (like hitting allies), and 4d6 is a nice sweet spot of being a good chunk of damage without it being overpowering. And, again, it’s automatic; no attack roll needed, with the only interactions being the enemy HP going down and them rolling versus your poison. Being stuck in melee while your bugs are literally eating the enemy’s Str bit by bit doesn’t sound so bad, all of a sudden!

I like the touch that it deals double damage to Plant monsters, because if any intelligent Plant creature sees you turn into a swarm of locusts, they’re probably going to stop fighting immediately. The downside to this ability is that it lasts only 1 round/level and can only be used 1/day, so it may fall into Too Awesome To Use territory, though I’d personally unleash it any time I was facing a group of enemies that was even slightly challenging.

Boon 3: Infestation of the Flesh. 1/day as a standard action, you can transform into a Hellwasp Swarm for up to 8 hours. You gain Swarm traits (including immunity to weapon damage), a swarm attack, and the Hellwasp’s poison, Distraction, and Inhabit abilities. While in this form, you cannot perform any actions that the swarm could not perform; this includes casting spells with somatic components and wielding weapons or items. While not using the swarm’s Inhabit ability, you can return to your normal form as a full-round action. This is a Polymorph effect.

Heurghh, nasty. For your enemies, of course! You’re perfectly fine.

The fact you gain these abilities rather than just replacing your statblock with that of the Swarm makes me think that this means it runs largely on how other Polymorph spells in PF works; namely, your statblock largely remains the same, but new stuff is stapled onto it. If this is true, it means that your swarm damage is 4d6 rather than 3d6 (and increases to 5d6 once you hit 20 HD), and your poison and Distraction have a save of (10+1/2 your HD+your Con mod) rather than what a Vanilla Hellwasp Swarm possesses. Nice!

The real important bit here, though, is that you have the swarm’s Inhabit ability. Suddenly, any enemy that’s not outright killed is an unholy vessel for your power. Your poor victims are eternally Dominated by your presence until an outside source either kills them or expels you, or you finally eat their Constitution to 0 after a few hours. Even then, though, you continue puppeting their corpse around like a second skin, shielding yourself from attacks as you march to find a better body. If you don’t really need your spells or items, you can spend a full adventuring day walking around inside other people’s skin 

Dominating your victim means you can use all of their powers for your own evil benefit, so if that wizard you just knocked out still has spell slots left? If that troll is still kicking? If that dragon just recharged its breath weapon? All yours to command. Plus, even if your other foes kill your new shell, you continue to animate their corpse to use as a beatstick or an extra mountain of flesh to protect your insectoid form.

It takes a full minute to inhabit a victim, so you can’t just jump from shell to shell in the middle of a pitched battle, but you know what you can do? Jump from shell to shell all day until just before you reach the final boss, and then hop out and reform, basically fresh as a daisy with all your resources ready to tear into them. It’s very hard to take meaningful damage while inhabiting a shell, so while the rest of your party is nearly tuckered out and running on fumes and what few resources they could cling to, you’re likely barely below 75% health and have spent exactly one (1) of your dailies for the current session.

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EXALTED

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Boon 1: Swarming Susurrus. Gain Inflict Light Wounds 3/day, Summon Swarm 2/day, or Summon Monster III (Vermin only) 1/day.

Inflight Light Wounds has already fallen off by this point, useful only to patch up any Undead allies you may have to keep them on their feet, Summon Swarm can be dangerous to use unless you conjure it at maximum range, as the swarms are indiscriminate in their tide of destruction. The Vermin-only restriction on Summon Monster III means you’re likely going to be stuck summoning Fiendish Giant Ants or a pair of Fiendish Giant Centipedes to aid you. In either case, their usefulness in combat is minor if you’re fighting foes of a similar CR to your level, with the main selling point being that their mindlessness means an enemy Enchanter cannot control them and turn them against you.

All three of these are fairly underwhelming, but Summon Swarm is fun to drop directly on an enemy’s space, because it will continue to pursue the closest source of flesh it can--just make sure it’s not yours!

Boon 2: Swarm-Walker. You can walk through any swarm without taking damage or suffering any ill effects—swarms recognize you as one of their own. As long as you stand within a swarm, you gain a +4 profane bonus on initiative checks and saving throws.

Well... I guess that’s alright? I like the idea of monkey swarms, swarms of Beheaded, and masses of Grey Goo all leave you be just as a swarm of ticks or locusts would.

Taking advantage of the Initiative bonus requires conjuring or finding a swarm beforehand, or being ambushed by a swarm that falls upon you. You should be trying to summon things before combat begins anyway (due to most summoning spells taking a full round), though if you have no means of doing so beyond what Deskari has granted you, Summon Swarm is a pathetic way to reap this ability’s benefits as your shield of vermin crawls off to go eat an adjacent ally. You’ll want something more reliable, such as Vomit Swarm or Mad Monkeys (the former even scaling better with your level than Summon Swarm) to invoke this ability, not only making creatures in melee with you regret it, but bolstering your saves against everything by an additional +4.

... But only as long as the swarm lasts, and only while you don’t move outside of it or it moves away, and only as long as your enemies don’t blast you with AoE that kills the swarm instantly, and so on and so forth. It’s a very difficult ability to really take advantage of, and half of its usefulness is completely lost if you’re only inundated in a swarm before combat begins.

Boon 3: Swarm Master. 1/day, you can cast Quickened Insect Plague.

No, no, no no no! Awful! 

Yes, it lets you take better advantage of Swarm-Walker, but this is by no means a good final Boon! Come on, Deskari, if you want our assistance in your fiendish goals, you need to sweeten the deal a little bit here! No one’s going to want to be your Exalted if all you have to offer them is a 1/day wall of wasps!

That’s more or less what this ability is, by the way. It may as well be literally called Wall of Wasps, because your summoned swarms (all five of them) can’t move from the spot they’re summoned in. While they can act as obscuring cover, their low HP (31) will rarely survive a single Fireball or Cone of Cold from a level-appropriate enemy, and the DC 13 save on their poison and Distraction abilities will rarely land on any target you need them to. Both their damage and their poison deal so little damage (2d6 and 1 Dex, respective) that they’re unlikely to keep anyone from just walking through the storm of wasps to get at you,

It’s more for intimidation than anything else, making an enemy rethink coming closer. Intimidation and using the Wasp Ocean to take advantage of Swarm-Walker, and that’s just not good enough in my book.

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SENTINEL

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Boon 1: Split the Earth. Gain Stumble Gap 3/day, Create Pit 2/day, or Spiked Pit 1/day.

I’ve stated my love of the usefulness of Create Pit and Spiked Pit in the past (under the Sentinel Boons), with them being pseudo Save-or-Sucks that can take anything without a decent Strength score or some Climb skill ages to clamber back out of the pit, while you and your allies either deal with other foes, or rain destruction down on them from above. Even if the victim makes their initial save, the pit doesn’t go anywhere, letting you push your targets in one at a time if need be. Since it’s literally just a huge hole in the ground, you can even hurl multiple enemies inside!

Which leaves a unique spell in Stumble Gap. It’s a cute spell, essentially cursing a single 5ft tile with a mobile, extradimensional gap that tries tripping up everyone who enters it. Anyone in the square when you first cast the spell or who enters the square while it’s still in effect must succeed a Reflex save (11+Cha mod) or fall prone into an adjacent square and take 1d6 damage. The real kicker, though? Even succeeding your save against the gap makes you stumble ever-so-slightly... which, for some reason, gives you a -1 penalty to ALL ROLLS AND CHECKS for a full round. Everything from attack rolls to damage rolls to saving throws to Knowledge checks (somehow) suffer a -1 penalty for a full round.

It’s not much, but it’s an interesting consolation prize and a very interesting line of text in what is otherwise a very simple spell. The penalty to every roll they make even on success makes it almost worth taking, if just for the possibility of making a 1-point success into a failure. It’d be difficult to make use of it more than once per casting, but I can see some amusing scenarios arising if you cast it three times in a row to either cover a single 15ft hallway, or in a long line in a 5ft hallway as a crowd of foes behind you trips all over themselves and each other.

Still, for all its potential (comedic and otherwise), I’d stick with the more reliable Create Pit or Spiked Pit.

Boon 2: Planar Wound. 3/day as a standard action, you can strike the ground with a scythe to open a fissure under your feet or the feet of an adjacent Medium or smaller creature (if you target yourself, the rift opens just enough to let you—and only you—through, regardless of your size). This fissure is a planar rift that sends the creature to the Rasping Rifts in the Abyss, as per Plane Shift, except the fissure can transport only one creature and closes instantly after doing so (or after being avoided). An unwilling target can attempt a Reflex save (DC = 10+1/2 HD+Cha mod) to evade the fissure and negate this effect. Flying and levitating creatures are immune to this effect, and a creature capable of flight that is standing on the ground can avoid this effect if it succeeds at a DC 20 Fly check (it can still attempt a Reflex save to avoid the spell if it fails this Fly check). 

im sorry what

did. do you just. you just... you just send them to the Abyss? Like straight up?

There are Save-Or-Die effects in Pathfinder, and then there’s this. This is a step above Save-Or-Die, this is Save-Or-Be-Personally-Delivered-To-A-Demon-Lord-As-A-Plaything. This is Save-Or-Wish-You-Could-Die. If you manage to hit an enemy with this, they have a limited time to Plane Shift anywhere but where they are right now or they’re done. That’s it. On the best of days the Abyss is a hostile place to be, but the Rasping Rifts is close to the Worldwound and thus crawling with demons eager to pounce on the first non-demon creature they see. It’s also the personal realm of Deskari and is flooded with a hive-mind of verminous beasts, and as a level 13 servant, he’s likely to be paying attention to you and everything you do. He’ll know when you’ve sent someone to him.

He may even ask you to. Knock them unconscious or strike them with some form of paralysis and they can’t make their Reflex save, so they’re helplessly delivered right to the Lord of the Locust Host, who himself is a CR 29 horror beyond the hope of a single mortal to beat. The lack of a restriction beyond size means you can make extra use of effects which shrink your enemies down to ruin their lives even further. At the very least, since it operates like Plane Shift, the delivery point isn’t exact; it may take some time for the Demon Lord to find out where its new toy has gotten off to.

A DM wishing (justifiably) to rein this ability in may have Deskari command the Sentinel to hold off on sending just any old victim to the Rifts, and instead focus on specific targets. Of course, a DM can also point out that this ability carries with it the risk of losing out on loot, as your victim takes everything with them when they go. Be wary about using this on someone who’s carrying the Plot Device!

... using it on yourself, by the way, isn’t recommended. I doubt Deskari would tolerate cowardice. Could be an interesting roleplaying opportunity, though, bargaining with the demon horde of the Rasping Rifts, offering to lead them out. Just make sure you do have a way to get back out, because Planar Wound only goes in one direction. I wonder what happens if you use it while already in the Rasping Rifts?

Boon 3: Welcome the Rasping Rifts. 1/day, you can cast Rift of Ruin as a spell-like ability. When the rift closes, each creature still present within the rift must attempt a Will save (against the spell’s save DC = 18+Cha). Creatures that succeed at this save are expelled violently (as normal for the spell), while those that fail are expelled violently into the Rasping Rifts in the Abyss. If you close the rift early to summon creatures, you summon one additional creature of the same type.

For those who don’t know what the Rift of Ruin spell does, the short version is that it’s a souped up Spiked Pit spell. The hole is 5ft wide, 5ft/level long (so 80ft when you first get it), 60ft deep, and loaded with chewing mouths, acidic mist, starving fiends, and all sorts of other Abyssal nasties that make it painful to stay inside the rift. Everyone and everything inside takes 6d6 damage that’s randomly selected from bludgeoning, piercing, slashing, Electricity, Cold, Fire, or Sonic upon entry to the rift and each round they begin inside of it. If the spell ends and everything’s shot out, they take double damage that round and are knocked prone as the rift spits them back out.

So, every good thing I have to say about Pit spells? Say them bigger and louder here. But, that’s not all! Because you can end the spell early to instead call upon an Abyssal denizen, summoning two Bebeliths or two Vrocks, 1d3+1 Shadow Demons or Succubi, OR 1d4+2 Babaus or Brimoraks. Two Bebeliths or two Vrocks is usually the correct choice, as they’re resilient and dangerous in their own rights (especially Bebeliths, with their ability to shred armor like paper), but swamping stronger foes with smaller enemies can quickly finish a fight... if it wasn’t finished in the first place by the Rift of Ruin vomiting the victim into the Rasping Rifts.

One fun thing to try is to sit at the edge of the rift and waiting for an enemy to almost, almost climb their way back out before snapping the thing shut and either sending them to the Abyss, or stranding them on your side where they’re prone, tired, and now surrounded by demons.

Deskari is kind to his Sentinels.

You can read more about him here.

[princeshroob]

Since it’s the anniversary, I thought I would share who I use in each of my five main mono-element teams.

First is my Fire team. Main character is Gala Sarisse, while my three AI-controlled teammates are regular MC, Nobunaga, and Nadine. Sarisse is one of my favs, Nobunaga is because I was born in the year of the horse and she’s the horse wyrmclan leader, and Nadine is because the way she attacks is hilarious! As for MC, he’s more a place holder than anything. I...don’t really have many favorites in the fire element, to be honest. I did dream summon Ramona a while back, but now I kinda regret it (and not just because I got her from a free summon soon after the dream summon expired). I just...don’t really like Ramona that much, to be perfectly honest. idk who to really put there, but if anyone like Odetta or Cleo gets a fire alt, MC is the first to be benched!

Next, my water team, consisting of Monster Hunter Sarisse, Halloween Odetta, Dragonyule Cleo, and Gala Elisanne. I’ve already explained how I feel about Sarisse, Odetta is best girl, Cleo is best mom, and Elly...look, I just really like her a lot, okay? I’ll explain Elly more in the Light team, but honestly, everyone here is a favorite of mine, and this water team is pretty much set in stone, to the point that I gave Odetta and Cleo wyrmprints that would give them 100% Burn Res so I could do solo mHBH without them burning to death.

Third, wind team, and it’s probably the weakest in who my favs are. Elly’s still a fav, Lin You I didn’t really have any strong attachments to until I beat eCiella with her, Gala Leif is really only there for damage purposes (and because I had the HDT2 sword for when I tried to beat eCiella with W!Elly), and Lowen...okay, he’s a great kid and all, and power to you if you think he’s best boy, but there’s a reason why I haven’t made an Agito or HDT2 staff for him there. I just...eh, don’t feel particularly strongly towards him. I’ll probably replace him with Summer Sinoa, honestly. But anyways, that’s my wind team.

Next up, shadow team is Gala Cleo, Ieyasu, and everyone’s favorite gay couple Heinwald and Curran. Ieyasu was actually the first dark 5* adventurer I ever summoned (get bent, nefaria) and he was really fun to play as tbh. Overall though, I like Cleo more, and were it not for the laws of this land, I would have regular Cleo replace Ieyasu (yes, that would give me two healers, what about it?) but alas.

Finally, my light team, which pretty much has 3/4 of the characters from my water team, hilariously enough, so this team is equally as set into stone as that. I have Summer Cleo, Xiao Lei, regular Odetta, and Halloween Elisanne. Xiao Lei is a math freak, just like me, so I identify heavily with her. Also fun fact, I can switch between Summer Cleo and Odetta in co-op eTartarus whenever the resistances aren’t equally split, and they both served me well in fighting Tartarus (helps that I have Thor.) As for Elly, the reason I waited until this point to talk about her is because I more or less had a love-hate relationship with her, and the reason for that is because HER FREAKING HALLOWEEN ALT REFUSED TO COME HOME THE FIRST TWO TIMES SHE WAS AVAILABLE. Heck, I whaled a bit the first time she came around, but even that wasn’t enough and it nearly caused me to quit the game. Dragonyule Cleo probably would’ve been the last straw if she didn’t come home either, but she did, and that was probably the one event that caused me to continue playing this game up to the present, and thankfully third time was the charm as H!Elly came home after 2 summon vouchers. This was certainly a wild ride, and there will probably be more to come, but I’m really happy because thanks to this game, I branched out slightly from my own social circles and joined another server on Discord that was also passionate about Dragalia Lost, and I’ve been a lot happier since then. Gacha is still h-e-double hockey sticks, tho

[akitokihojo]

44 InuKag :D

44. Tentative kisses given in the dark.

Kagome tried one last time to rip her tied wrists away from the bandit, a powerful yank bringing her to stumble to the side and into her captors body, stumbling even further as he hardly halted his pace down the hall. Inuyasha did the same, two men having to contribute to his control, sleek, black hair flinging back and forth as he used his shoulders to try and push them away, all to no avail. At the end of the hall to the right, a lackey held a door open, an arrogant smile pushing up his cheeks,

The room was dark. Pitch black. Whatever light shining in from the torches in the hall illuminating the entry portion of the empty room they were about to be thrown into. Kagome’s heart rate increased rapidly, a voice in her head screaming to get away, the darkness awaiting them quickly becoming denser, deeper by the second. Her mind flashed to her time with the sacred jewel just over three years ago, her fear of it all never having washed away. She resisted but the man holding her arms shoved her forward, and her foot instinctually flung up to the doorframe, fighting him to let her go. There was panic in her tone as she dropped her demands and began to plead with them, begging them not to make them go in there, only prodding them further to do it.

Inuyasha froze, ceasing his resistance against the men restraining him. To see his wife so terrified ahead of them had his stomach clenching painfully. What was in there? What did she see? What was powerful enough to practically bring her to her knees in tears? His first thought was to fight harder. If he could escape them, he could save her; protect her. But his rational thinking quieted his normal, abrupt tendencies. He wanted to calm her, ease whatever it was that had her seemingly fighting for her life right now, but he didn’t understand what the hell was happening. They’d already discussed the plan; they fight back for the sake of not tipping them off, but otherwise they just needed to hold out until the night ended - when the rising sun brought back his demonic blood. Inuyasha had heard of their leader. He was the type to take his time before actually doing anything to his victims, which boded well and gave them the advantage; they only needed a few hours, and since no one knew who he was or the secret they kept safe, the element of surprise was on their side. He wasn’t worried. Not until now. Watching Kagome squirm and shout, plead with them not to put them in the room disturbed him greatly. He opened his mouth, the breath briefly hitching in his throat as her voice broke with her panic.

“Hey, Stop! Back off a little! Stop! What’s going on!?” He directed to the man struggling against his wife. It was physically painful witnessing how terrified she looked. “Kagome look at me. Look at me.”

She didn’t comply, eyes shut tight. Her chest rose and fell heavily with her erratic breathing, the confused bandit actually loosening his grip on her, relaxing his hold with his confusion.

“Kagome. I said look at me.” He ordered more sternly. She whimpered shakily, turning her head and gracing him with her tear-flooded gaze. “What’s wrong? Is something in there?”

She shook her head.

“It’s an empty room! She’s just being dramatic!” Her captor rolled his eyes. Inuyasha directed a deadly glare his way, nose scrunching with the lethal warning.

If that was the case, though, what caused the sudden shift in her mental stability? He could visibly see her trembling, her lips pulled down, quivering, cheeks pale and streaked wet. He allowed his instincts to comfort her to take over, wishing he could close the distance, to hold her tight in his arms so she could see he’d never let anything hurt her.

“Everything’s okay, Kagome. I swear.” It was a bold notion considering he lacked his normal ability to sense threats, but he had to say something. She shook her head, another whimper escaping her throat. “You’re safe. You’re with me, I’ll always keep you safe. No matter what, remember?”

“Big words for someone with his hands currently tied behind his back! Get in there!” Kagome’s captor laughed, throwing Kagome through the door before she could put up a fight again. Inuyasha growled, stumbling with his own pair of goons as they shoved him in the room after, the door shutting behind him. He threw his body against it, his shoulder colliding painfully with the wood and essentially succeeding at nothing with the action. For the first time in a long time, he cursed his human blood.

The air was still. The room smelled of stale boards. And the light was nonexistent.

Inuyasha’s stomach plummeted to the ground.

That was it.

That was what sent Kagome spiraling.

He couldn’t see her, couldn’t hear her. If he hadn’t seen her tossed through the doorway before him, he wouldn’t have even known she was there. 

“Kagome, talk to me. Where are you?” He asked, his voice soft as his concern grew tenfold. He knew how petrified she was of the dark. He needed to be with her, beside her, touching her in some way, shape, or form to keep her panic attack from consuming her mind. “Baby, please. Tell me where you are.”

She shuddered and he heard the shaky breath leave her lips, her attempt at communicating when her nerves got the better of her and made it so much harder to get words out. He shot to the left, carefully walking over, concentrating hard to listen to her breathing so he didn’t trip right over her. A feeble whine told him he’d reached her side, so he kneeled down, blinking rapidly in an effort to bring his eyes to adjust to the darkness.

“Hey.” He cooed, his voice barely even a whisper. He leaned forward, feeling the presence of her body, the intensity of her fear radiating through her being. “I’m right here, baby. I’m right here.”

Inuyasha wriggled against the shackles of his rope. They were never very tight, but they were enough to keep his wrists together. He’d kept his palms flat against the other when the bandits tied them back, elbows at an angle for his advantage. Steadily, he swooped his bound wrists beneath his bottom, sitting back so he could swing them further forward, and curling his legs out of the way to bring his arms out fully in front of him so he could bite at the weakly-tied knot. It didn’t take too much effort to free himself, barely shaking out his wrists before crawling behind Kagome to untie her own restraints. When she was out, her arm slid down her side, almost lifelessly.

His eyes had grown more accustomed to the lack of lighting, her white kosode finally evident now as he made his way back to her front, hands slowly, gently finding her cheeks and smoothing away the never-ceasing tears.

“I’m right here.” Inuyasha soothed. “You’re safe. I promise. You need to open your eyes.”

Kagome shook her head in his palms, a little more anxious at the idea, so he scoot a bit closer so his knees were just outside her own.

“Open your eyes.”

“It’s dark!”

“It’s darker behind your lids. Open. Blink. Your eyes will adjust, I promise. You’ll be able to see me.”

Her hands fumbled out, finding the tops of his thighs, fingers trembling even as she gripped his clothing.

“Look at me.”

“Don’t let go.” She whispered.

“I won’t. I’m here.”

He could feel her thick lashes slowly part with the pad of his thumb held just above her cheekbone. She blinked. More rapidly now.

“It’s still dark.” Kagome panicked, gripping his pants tighter.

“Give it a minute, it’s okay.” Inuyasha caressed her cheeks, beginning to feel her breathing soften as seconds passed, hitting his skin and soothing his own trepidation. Her hands climbed to the crook in his elbows, one at a time, gliding up to his forearms to feel the hot flesh that was exposed, his robes having followed gravity. “Better?”

Kagome nodded slightly.

“Can you see me?”

“I can kind of see your kosode.”

Light color. Made sense. Inuyasha kissed Kagome’s forehead, moving her hands to sit along his thighs again as he quickly removed the fire rat that hindered a better view of him, placing the cloth around Kagome’s shoulders.

It smelled like him, the suikan, his earthy scent washing over her senses as he adjusted the robe on her, even making sure to hood it over her head the way she liked. Then he took her hands back, placing them against his chest this time, one along his kosode, the other inside to feel his skin. His heart was beating a little faster than normal, but prominent and evident nonetheless.

“Just focus on me, Kagome.”

She could see him better as time passed, no longer hoping for his silver hair to return to make him stand out more. She was still nervous, still uncomfortable with their setting, but the more she concentrated on his touch, his breathing, his heart, his unwavering form and steady voice, the more she understood that they weren’t trapped in a dark abyss. It was a room. A temporary enclosure. Nothing more, nothing less.

Inuyasha brushed soft kisses to her cheeks, encouraging her to take him in, let her fears slip away, comprehend that he would protect her, he wouldn’t let go, he wouldn’t leave her side. The more calm she felt, the easier the air left her lungs. She moved closer, as much as she could, her fingers gently skimming along his neck and to the crook of his jaw.

“I love you.” She spoke.

Inuyasha felt everything in his body still. Every time Kagome said that, it did something to him. He could sense the gratitude in her tone, feel it seeping from her form as her lips hovered near his. Slowly, cautiously, he closed that gap, placing the softest of kisses to her mouth. Over and over, again and again, keeping a tedious rhythm, he kissed her. Forehead, cheeks, eyelids, nose, lips, chin, and neck were littered with his love, hands smoothing over her skin to keep her solidly with him until she completely relaxed and curled into his chest.

[starblazerm31]

4. French kiss with devil Lucio (๑♡3♡๑)

Hhhhnnnnnn, Anon, you kill me!!!  Enjoy, you evil little thing, you! 💋

I’m still up to do some more of these!  Prompt list here!

@ask-count-lucio @idrinkluciostears @lucios-bitchh @lucios-lapdog @bazzpop @vesuviannights @alongtherailway

Ever so slightly NSFW because of...grinding. 👀

Ko-Fi ☕

The sounds of the terrified people faded as I came to a stop in the hedge maze, doubling over to catch my breath.  The scene that had just unfolded in the ballroom left my head spinning.  It was Lucio...but it wasn't.  Something was definitely different, and it wasn't just his new physical form.  He seemed like an entirely different person.  And who he was now oozed with raw terrifying power.I had no idea what to do.  I have never encountered anything like this before, and I didn't know of anyone else who had.  A trip to the palace library could have possibly helped, but I had the distinct feeling that I would never make it there, much less have time to comb through books.  I had to think.  What could I do?  Could I do anything?  What was the endgame here?  Nothing was making sense, and it was maddening.

My thoughts kept me from noticing the change in the air at first.  Then it hit me like a gale.  Searing dry heat, forcing me to my knees.  I gasped, the air in my lungs harsh, burning, irritating.  My eyes stung from tears that wanted to spill but simply couldn't.  And then just as suddenly, it was gone.  I fell to my hands and knees, coughing violently.  My head spun, but looming darkness that crept over me made my instincts scream to get up and run as fast as I could.

"There you are, MC," came the voice that chilled me to the core.  "You left so rudely.  I had hoped to have a word with you."

I raised my eyes and there he stood before me: Lucio.  Or the new Lucio.  Inky black hooves approached me, sparks seeming to fly from each step on the ground.  His strangely bent legs crouched in front of me, and that terrifying gauntlet extended towards me.  I was completely frozen in fear.  The metal connected with my chin and tilted my head up at an uncomfortable angle to look into his eyes.  His handsome face twisted in a malevolent smirk.

"You look tense," he remarked.  "Allow me to assist you."

He took a step back.  From the ground chains sprouted, wrapping around my waist, wrists, and ankles.  Before I could make a sound, they lifted me upright and placed me on my feet.  Then they withdrew.  Lucio's body darkened, turned whispy and then slid behind me like a miasma.  He resolidified, leaning close to my ear.  I could feel his clawed fingers sliding over my shoulders.  The sensation made me shudder, but not entirely with fear.  They gripped me firmly and I could feel his thumbs make small circles in my skin.

"There," he purred into my ear.  "Isn't that much better?"

"W-what has happened to you, Lucio?" I manage to drag from my throat.

He chuckled.  "Let's just say, MC, that I'm now debt-free."  His breath was hot on the back of my neck.  "And available."

He withdrew from me and the sudden chill of the air in his absence was heavily noticeable.  He stood before me once more, his clawed hand stroking his own chin as his dark gauntlet idly twirled a small length of chain.

"I am about to change the fabric of this world," he said.  "A coalescence of absolute perfection."  His eyes connected directly with mine.  "And I want you to be part of it, MC."

My eyes widened.  "What do you mean?" I asked, trying to keep the waver out of my voice.

"What I mean is," he said, sweeping forward so close I could smell the brimstone on his skin, "you and me.  As a team."

His right hand reached forward and touched the side of my face, almost encompassing the whole thing.  His touch was hot but not searing, and I could feel goosebumps rise all over my body.

"You still have no idea just how powerful you are," he murmured.  "I want...no, I need you with me.  Our combined power would be absolute.  Think of it, MC."

His knarled gauntlet gesture outward.  "All you see, all you know...yours.  Power over all magic, all elements, all forces.  Power over life and death itself.  And best of all..."  His face came close to mine and the heat caused my face to flush deeply.  "Power over me."

My eyes looked into his dark seething ones with a mixture of fear and confusion.  He smiled, his teeth seeming to become more pointed.  "Oh yes, MC.  Wouldn't you want me as your willing slave?  Oh, the things we could do..."  I let out a whimper as his hot lips brushed against my cheek.  "Bending reality to our will, ruling over all things for eternity; and I would shower you with riches, pleasures, and power."

The heat from my face spread all over my body.  I felt uncomfortably...needy.  Despite the fear, I did want more.  Much more.  I felt my muscles tense up again and I bit my bottom lip.

Lucio chuckled, the sound seeming to reverberate through the air in waves.

"Shall I give you a sample?" he asked.  "A taste of what can be yours?"

My throat felt so dry as I tried to swallow.  I couldn't think straight, his presence was too overwhelming.  The ache in my body was all I felt.  I nodded.

He let out a pleased sigh and the air around us felt heavier.  "Excellent."

A large groan tore from me as his lips suddenly enveloped mine in ravenous hunger.  Hot flesh ground against mine, sucking away what last bit of resistance I had.  My arms reached up and wound around his neck, pulling him closer.  I needed that sensation, I needed the blazing friction.  I felt his mouth part and a forked tongue extend to stroke my lips.  The sensation was thrilling and I opened my mouth to allow him entrance.  He seized the opportunity and his tongue connected with mine, twirling and entwining, stroking and grinding.  His taloned right hand held the back of my head close as his gauntleted left slid along my body to land on my ass.  He pulled me hard to bring me flush against him.  I whimpered at the sensation, his body hard and hot.  My hands gripped the sides of his face as I felt a surge of power within me.  With a few flourishes I didn't even know I was aware of, I caught his tongue in my mouth and closed my lips around it, sucking on the appendage.  Lucio grunted but then let out a deep moan as I worked.  His gauntlet left my backside to grip my thigh and bring my leg up and around his waist.  This enhanced the need in my body, as I felt my hips start to grind into his.

He wrenched his mouth free of mine and stared at me in utter awe.  Then the most terrifying smile yet spread widely across his face.

"Oh, we are going to get along famously, you and I."

[taww]

Review: Valvet Soulshine Tube Preamplifier by MGD

Marty DeWulf passed away about a month after submitting this review. His work was always an inspiration to me and it was a privilege to share his thoughts on this hobby he loved so much. RIP Marty - you are missed.

There was a time when two high-end audio companies dominated the conversation and the market regarding tube electronics. In the 1970s, Audio Research and conrad-johnson were the first, last and every word when it came to valves. There were other small tube manufacturers around, but they were basically garage-based start-ups, poorly financed with minimal budgets and little business savvy. It was a world populated by solid state and companies carrying the flag for “modern” transistor designs. It seems ironic that back in the 1970s when transistors were so predominant, they sounded their worst… the format was much less than mature.

Related Reading:

First Take Review: Valvet Soulshine Preamplifier & A4 Mk.II Amplifier

Thumbing through a current audiophile publication today, whether it be online or in the pages of a magazine, tube products abound. They come with names from companies I’ve never heard of before, and from faraway places. Go away for a few years and the scenery changes drastically… I feel so old. Fortunately, I’m still friends with @taww, who sends me stuff to listen to and write about. When I first talked to him years ago he wasn’t a fan of tube gear. If I recall, he thought valves to be totally inaccurate and euphonic sounding. [Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh, but yes I strongly preferred solid state accuracy.] I too, was a solid state guy. The dynamic range, frequency extension and clarity of modern solid state electronics have had me on their side for many years. But then, I heard the Monarchy M24 tube DAC and saw it as a true head turner with its tube section. [So did I! I bought my Monarchy NM24 review unit and it was my reference DAC for years, tubes and all.] 

The Monarchy wasn’t the first great tube product in my experience. I’d reviewed a tube preamp from Musical Designs that was a budget wonder, and over the years I’d heard a number of Audio Research products that seemed to bridge the gap between reality and sonic illusion in palpable ways. [Don’t forget Audible Illusions and Joule Electra, I remember you liked those too.] Some very fine tube products had served to weaken my wall of valve resistance and solid state preference, so much so, that I would eventually purchase an all tube preamp from SAS, as did fellow BFS writer Rich Weiner. Still, when it came down to absolutes; dynamic edges, front to back transparency, frequency extension and tonal trueness, my overall preferences always lead me down the road of the better solid state units, the Pass Labs XP10 for example.

When @miy-taww​ suggested that I audition the tube preamplifier from Valvet certain expectations immediately arose; it’s a tube preamp after all. In certain ways, valves are valves and they behave predictably, especially basic designs such as the Valvet. He gave me a rundown of the circuit employed and the choice of tubes. A picture of the unit’s performance was forming in my head even before my ears had heard it. The Soulshine preamplifier from Valvet (USD $5,890) was unique to me in several ways. Handmade in Germany, its parts selection was insanely high with premium resistors and exotic caps in abundance, all hand-wired with solid-core silver. It looked to be a new interpretation of an old theme. 

[Note: An upgraded version, the Soulshine IIz ($8,890), is now available. The original Soulshine reviewed here is still available on order for $5,890 through its US distributor, Alfred Kainz of highend-electronics.]

Design & Operation

A few words about the physical construction of the Soulshine. Like so many quality preamps before it, the Soulshine has a separate chassis for its power supply and control sections. Constructed of thicker than the usual aluminum billet, the appearance is low slung, clean and high tech. I like the way it looks. The front face, following the theme of clean futurism, has a chrome knob for the stepped-attenuator volume control and another for input selection (four line-level inputs, one of which is balanced XLR). To the right of the volume control is a window with numeric volume level displayed with blue LEDs; with one number for both channels, there is no way of setting left to right balance. The tradeoff is one less control in the signal path. 

The rear panel of the preamp allows for single ended as well as balanced operation, though @miy-taww​ informed me that the internal circuit is not truly balanced even when using the balanced connectors. [ On closer examination, it appeared that the inverting half of the balanced signal is referenced to signal ground internally. @miy-taww​ ] On an operational note, I consistently had to allow the preamp about 30 minutes warm-up time at the beginning of each listening session to obtain its best.

The Soulshine has a remote control for volume changes while its listener is firmly planted in a comfy listening chair. Unlike my last experience with a tube preamp employing remote volume control, the Valvet was quiet, responsive and easy to use. This is the way a remote should be configured – simple and easy to use. The lone problem I had with operating the Valvet came from trying to find the on/off switch…. which took me an embarrassingly long time to find (hint, it’s underneath the power supply).

Sonics

Having a pre-established vision of what the Valvet would sound like before it even arrived, I can now report that my expectations were only partially right. First off, let me mention the output impedance of the Valvet is 400 Ohms. Because of that, the input impedance of the power amp you are using is not going to impact the sonics of the preamp substantially. What I didn’t expect were the results obtained by using amps with high, medium and low input impedances; the preamp performed consistently regardless of the amplifier used. Frequency extremes stayed relatively consistent with each amp used. That was a big surprise. What did change was stage size as I went from one amp to another. With the Pass Labs XA30.5′s lowish input impedance (30 kOhms balanced, 15 kOhms unbalanced), the soundstage was somewhat smaller and a bit laid back. Going up in impedance resulted in a nominally larger stage and slightly deeper bass response, but little else.

Let me talk about the Valvet with the low input impedance Pass Labs amp. I didn’t expect these two products to work well at all, but the combo proved almost hypnotic sounding as my initial auditions with the two lasted far longer than anticipated. The performance with the Pass wasn’t so much like having the instruments and singers in the room, a phenomenon I’ve come to expect with my Pass amp and preamp combo. With the Pass and the Valvet it was slightly more distant, while still being super vivid, substantial and picturesque. It was almost like listening to an aural View-Master. Remember the toy from the 60s? It has two eye holes and a lever to press that advanced a round disc with photos that presented to each eye a slightly different version of a scene, usually outdoors, that resulted in the user seeing an almost unrealistically vivid, 3D, and real appearing vista. The sense of 3D depth was stunning using the Valvet and Pass with dense color tones and detailing that resulted in a reach out and touch it quality, a rare synergy between a solid state amp with a valve preamp. It was like being there, except on a smaller scale, a scale in which reality seemed to fit on a smaller stage. The Valvet preamp with the Pass amp was very much like the View-Master. It had a superbly grainless presentation with depth and dimension galore. I thought about how photos of Yosemite in my View-Master seemed like being there one frame at a time – just smaller. Listening to Red Norvo’s, Forward Look struck me as a less-than-forward look at the performance that was in every other way as alive and dimensionally solid as my old Yosemite View-Master images. 

View-Master ad, c. 1955 (source: Santa Barbara Museum of Art)

Dynamics were proportional to image size with good edge and bite, though not to the extent I expect from the best solid state preamps. Interestingly, while large bass and kettle drums when struck with the Valvet didn’t have the visceral punch of my Pass preamp, the Valvet conveyed as much big drum volume as any preamp I’ve ever heard. Going to power amps with input impedances higher than that of the Pass, such as my rebuilt Dayton Wright 500 (75 kOhms), increased the size of the soundstage, brought it forward, while causing the same to be ever so slightly less dense.

Purity. Whereas solid state preamps seem to more easily engender the quality of transparency, sometimes to the extreme, the best tube preamps in my experience have a quality I prefer to call purity. It’s a feeling thing, a sensation that one preamp feels more like “transparency” and the other feels more like “purity.” Yes, that’s a cop out. Then again, I’m not sure I’m capable of defining the two in such a manner so as to come up with a better definition of the two terms. Presently, I use transparency and purity with the understanding that with time, the two might eventually define themselves with some clarity. I fear that the difference in the two terms is more of a gut feeling rather than something clearly tangible emanating from the Webster’s dictionary. Let’s work on this.

Listening to Judy Collins “Send in the Clowns” [Tidal, Qobuz], the Valvet swims in a feeling of humanity - a female life was in the room singing in a form and fashion that highlighted inflection and elemental emotion over power or presence. Not that power and presence were not there, they were, but those qualities were subservient to the sensation of un-hyped reality; a reality formed and fashioned around the sensation of the tangible. It’s a reality that the previous tube preamp covered by me missed in total. The midrange rightness of the Valvet makes all of the exciting details of the music come to the fore, while never seeming to observe the performance through a microscope. Extreme transparency, on the other hand, not only draws attention to itself, but forces the listener, on many occasions, to focus his/her attention on aspects of the performance that are sometimes less than musical. The performance takes on less importance than the sonic fireworks used to stimulate the senses of the listener. Take your pick; the Valvet, though transparent in the best sense of the word, is more pure in its intentions and performance than almost any other preamp I’ve auditioned.

Comparing the Valvet to my Pass Labs XP10 preamp ($5,250 before being replaced by the XP12) resulted in exactly the results one might expect. These two preamps are of unquestionable quality, each passing the signal sent to it as close to perfect as one could want. But they differ, and the careful listener has no difficulty telling the one from the other. I might describe them as saying that where they converge on a singular sound, neither sounds too much like the other; they maintain their individual characters while each seeks a somewhat different though idealized vision of reality. Yes, I’ll give the frequency extremes to the Pass, even the highest highs. Gross dynamics have a small advantage with the Pass also, though it is a minimal advantage. Where they differ, and where the Valvet will have an advantage to some ears is in the area of midrange coherence and that mystery word “purity.” And while the Pass also strikes me as having a high degree of purity in its reproduction, the Valvet goes there in spades, swooping up the listener in a tsunami of musical coherence. The lens of the Valvet is one of musicality, but also of great organic texture, heart and warmth. Now, these later qualities are also found with the Pass - it too delivers a wonderfully picturesque portrayal of the performance - but the Pass tends toward back-of-the-stage “air” and transparency, and the Valvet toward purity. A logical case can be made for either preamp, and I loved listening to both, but I feel the Pass appeals more to my mind as the Valvet harkens more to my heart. Combine the purity of the Valvet with its View-Master spatial qualities, and this preamp conjures up my first memories of auditioning the original SP-10 from Audio Research, so advanced it sounded and how it stood out from other tube preamps I had heard back then. 

Conclusion

If you tend toward tube preamps and yet are unwilling to live with some of their greater failings, the Valvet is a marvelous place to go. The price is not unsubstantial, but when compared to some of the more insanely priced products out there that don’t sound as good, this is a fine place to end up. Thanks to Valvet distributor Alfred Kainz of highend-electronics and @miy-taww​ for allowing me the opportunity to audition this marvelous device. 

[gtseven7]

Seven Princes

Summary:

Seven handsome travelling entertainers capture hearts of the crowd by their amazing voices and artisic dancing as they slowly drain their audience's inner soul magic.

A/N:

Okay so there's not much of the boys here in this chapter. Fear not! This is only the start and I'll be focusing on them more on the next chapters coming. The two characters appearing on this chapter is from my own original story Blood Queen (which you can find on wattpad and my writeblr: annieslibrary) because for me, the au exists in the same universe as them. This chapter and the chapters that has the two of them was only to build up the lore of the universe. They will not be mainly in the story don't worry. I promise next chapter will have all of the boys.

prev/next

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2

It was a sunny afternoon, with light breeze flowing, gently blowing Rianon's hair. The ex-princess' black hair dances as the wind caresses her face. She daintily walks the crowded street with a bread in hand. It's a long way till they get to Condor, the center of all magic, and they weren't in a hurry anymore. She feels like she went in a vacation after everything that has happened, Rianon thinks a holiday is well deserved. Coming out of war barely scathed requires a great deal of rest.

Walking beside her trusted partner: Indulf, the ex-princess couldn't really ask for more.

[[MORE]]

"This is nice Indulf. I think taking our time to travel, see the world out there while we try to get to Condor was a great idea."

The lady hunter smiled at Rianon. She couldn't remember the last time she had relaxed, probably never. Since the fall of her small town when she was young in Dilfae; Indulf never really had a rest. This was probably the best time to do it, with the person she cherishes the most.

As they are peacefully walking, side by side, admiring the busy people of the market; ladies who seemed to be in a hurry bumped into the Rianon. She was no longer a frail woman, but the suddeness of the collision caused her to stumble a bit. The ladies shoved them out of the way to run over what seemed to be a gathering of masses from afar.

"What the...! Are you okay?" Indulf asked while helping the other regain her balance. Holding her arm, the redhead hunter glared at the women who bumped them. It was futile because they were out of sight as they have already been swallowed by the large crowd ahead.

"I'm fine." Rianon said off handedly, her interest already piqued by the commotion. "What do you think that is? It looks like a large tent." The ex-princess stood on tippy toes to get a better view, but to no avail, the large mass of people covered up her sight. "I don't know..." Indulf couldn't really care less about what the ruckus, she just wanted to stroll around the market, maybe eat some good food. But Rianon's eyes were shining with curiosity as she walks faster to get into the thick crowd. "Rianon! I don't think it's wise to get involved in that..." The redhead tried to stop her companion. Catching the arms of the princess didn't seem to stop her. She even stopped a woman running towards the crowd as well.

"Hey! Uhmm... What's with that? What's happening?"

Indulf wanted smack her head to her palm but resisted. Even after the bloodbath they have been through, Rianon's excitable child-like character did not cease. It's nice yes, but sometimes Indulf hoped it was gone.

"Oh! The Seven Princes are here!"

"The Seven Princes?"

The woman matched Rianon's excitement. Her eyes were shining and her mouth smiled too wide. It's kind of creepy on the stranger's face.

"Yes! They are seven handsome performers! You should watch them, this is their last night in town!"

And there it is: hook, line and sinker. Once the word 'handsome performers' dropped out of the woman's mouth, Indulf knew she'll regret it.

"Indulf! Performers! Let's go see!"

"Ugh. Why?"

Rianon pouted at her partner, trying to manipulate her into saying yes as she usually does. The lady hunter might say she is tough, but she melts like she always does whenever Rianon pulls out her best techniques. One of them including batting her eyelashes at her while she pouts.

"Please? I haven't seen any shows in a while! You know I love things like these!"

Of course she hasn't watched in a long time, with a raging war in their hands before, a show was in no one's mind.

And as always, Indulf said begrudingly: "Ugh. Fine. Lead the way."

-

A large mass of power was what Indulf felt once she set foot near the tent. Waves and waves of magic tingles her skin. The red magical stone dangling on her neck reacts slightly.

"There's a strong whiff of sorcery here Ria. Can you feel it?"

The other nodded, admiring the large black tent. It was glamorous, as gold shines in the linings of the tent's cloth. "They must be magicians. A group of travelling performers from Condor. Maybe we could ask them if they know how to fix us."

"Maybe... I have a bad feeling about this."

Rianon laughed slightly, a playful judging expression on her face. "You never really liked magic Indulf." With a feigned hurt, Indulf responded. "I do now! Look where it got me." A sly smile graced her mouth as she looked at the ex-princess carefully. Reading her face if she got what the hunter was saying. And she did. A slight tinge on her cheeks surfaced.

Soul swap may have been unfortunate on their first meeting, but by now both can say it was a blessing instead of a curse.

Their moment was interrupted when a tall figure of a man came beside Rianon. Startling the princess when he bent down a little to greet them. "Hey." His face full of sophisticated boyish charm as he grins at them. "Hey..." The two greeted back.

The man was wearing an elegant prince-wear. Black velvet adorned with gold pieces of jewelry. His face, posture and clothes screamed royalty. His eyes shines in different colors. Magic was strong in him and both women can feel it.

"I can't help but notice the two of you when I took a peek earlier. I must say you two are the most beautiful women in this crowd."

A charmer indeed and Rianon was weak for that as she stares at his face while Indulf stood in careful interest.

"Are you one of the performers?" asked the redhead. The man turned his blinding smile and alluring eyes towards Indulf. His eyes crinkling a little, emphasizing the small mole under his left eye. "Yes I am. You're here for the show right?"

"Yes we are!"

"I'm glad to hear that, come with me, I'll get you two the best seats."

He made a slight extravagant gesture of bowing and stretching his hands towards the backdoor of the tent. "We'll go in now? The rest of them are still waiting."

"Think of this as special treatment for special people."

Least to say, the lady hunter was suspicious.

Going inside the tent, both knew the difference the outer and inner structure. If the outside was glamorous, inside was just shining paradise. It was huge with lots of lights around and a stage in the middle of four staged bleachers. The extravagance of it was all magic and it did not escape in both ladies' eyes.

In the middle of it all, on the stage were five men looking as if they are royalty as well. Velvet red and black. They were looking at their other member walking towards them. If the man beside them was tall, the one beaming at them was taller. While the one they first met has slightly darker shade, the man that stopped before them was white. His skin looked as if it was dazzling. And like the first they met, the feeling of power was strong in him too.

"BamBam! You brought in the ladies already?" He smiled at them while teasing his brother. The man beside Rianon whose name was BamBam apparently only laughed. "Hello to the two of you. Thank you for taking interest in us."

Realizing that she was staring with mouth slightly agape, Rianon snapped out of her daze. "Yes! Well, hahaha, I love performers and magicians."

Both men raised their eyebrows as they heard her acknowledge their craft that no ordinary people can pick up on.

Both lead the two to the seat closest to the stage, still chatting them up. "Oh! I forgot to ask, what are your names?"

"I'm Rianon," then she pointed to her companion, "this is Indulf."

"Beautiful names! I'm BamBam and this is Yugyeom."

Indulf was about to ask them if they were performers who came from Condor as entertainers like them usually came from that place. They might me able to help them with their situation right now if they know enough magic. And it seems that they do considering the whole place. But she did not get the chance as both men were called back by the others so they retreated back and bid goodbye.

Indulf really is having a bad feeling about this whole thing.

[pixelpoppers]

Animal Crossing Trolls Completionists

I wrote recently about dividing gamers into "completionists" who want to master a game and not miss anything and "wanderers" who want to explore a game and find surprises. Game designs can be good for one group and bad for the other, or can try to find compromises.

Animal Crossing is very much designed to appeal to wanderers, to the point where it almost comes across as purposefully trolling the completionists.

Animal Crossing wants you to slow down and relax. It isn't designed to be binged - it doles out mechanics slowly, limits what you can do in a day, and adds in overnight delays to encourage you to come back tomorrow. The game actively resists players who want to power through its content, offering its best experiences to those who just check in for a while once or twice a day.

And that's fine, even if it's not how I normally play games since I like to progress on my own schedule, not someone else's. I have to remember to get in the right headspace for the game, but then I can have a good time. The problem is that Animal Crossing also has several mechanics that make it very hard to stay in that headspace.

If you're a wanderer who naturally approaches games in a relaxed, open-ended way - then you're fine. But if you're a goal-oriented completionist then Animal Crossing is actually a bit of a minefield, primarily through having checklists of goals with time-limited availability. Such as the stringfish.

See, there's quite a variety of fish you can find in Animal Crossing. They vary by time of year, by time of day, by body of water, and sometimes by weather. On top of that, they have varying levels of rarity. The stringfish, for example, can only be found from December to March, from 4 pm to 9 am, in elevated rivers, and even then it's quite rare. You can do everything right - stock up on fish bait (which is tedious, as you must hunt manila clams and then craft them into bait one at a time), head to a clifftop river at the right time of day during the right month, catch dozens or even hundreds of fish, managing your limited inventory and breaking fishing poles along the way, and never get a stringfish.

It might seem clear that this is the wrong way to play. It means a lot of time spent doing things that are tedious and stressful instead of relaxing. Clearly it would be better to just do some fishing here and there when you're in the mood, and if/when you finally do catch the stringfish it's a pleasant surprise.

Except. EXCEPT. There's a museum. The museum lets you donate one of every fish, bug, and fossil you can find, displays them in somewhat spectacular fashion, and rewards you for completing a collection. The museum turns fish into a checklist and stringfish is absolutely on that list. And Animal Crossing released on March 20, less than two weeks before stringfish became unavailable for nine months. Is it any wonder that some players felt pushed to try hard to get the stringfish before the month ended - and then felt aggravated when they put in a lot of time and effort and still didn't get the damn fish?

This is my problem with Animal Crossing. It provides experiences that are best enjoyed in a wanderer-style way, and then includes mechanics that encourage completionists to approach the game in a very different way that's much less enjoyable. It's sort of the completionist's fault that they are playing the game wrong, and it will especially seem this way to wanderers who fall naturally into the better ways to play. But the game could do a lot more to lead more kinds of players into its best experiences.

Here's another example that's new to New Horizons: tool durability. When building most tools (shovel, fishing pole, bug net, etc.) you first have to build a "flimsy" version from common materials. This version is only good for a small number of uses before it breaks. You can also build a normal version of the tool, which takes the flimsy version and a slightly rarer material. This version lasts many more uses.

Here's the thing, though - going from the flimsy to the normal version doesn't add uses. It sets them to a higher number. That means that the most efficient use of your materials is to use the flimsy version almost enough to break it and then upgrade it to the normal version.

That's already a kind of obnoxious thing to do, but on top of that tools don't have a visible durability meter. So if you do want to optimize this, you have to learn how many uses a tool has and then keep count per tool. Undercount and use it too many times before upgrading and it'll break instead; overcount and upgrade early and you're missing on potential uses - either way, you waste crafting time and materials.

Now, I think it's fair to argue that you aren't supposed to try to optimize this way. Many players will just craft the flimsy version and the upgrade in one go and not worry about the "wasted" uses and probably have a better experience. But here's the thing - the game could have easily catered to both types of players. If the upgrade added uses instead of resetting them, it would always be correct to just go straight for the upgrade and all the players would have the better experience.

By not approaching its design in this way - by not setting things up so that the mechanically optimal way to play is also the most enjoyable way to play - Animal Crossing is actively setting traps for players who want to optimize. The game is designed to be maximally enjoyable if you approach it as a relaxed experience but has mechanics that cause certain kinds of players to not be relaxed.

[movedyourchair505]

Napule Nights - quarantotto

First of all, bit of a smut warning. Second of all, thanks to Elana 👻💕

- chapter navigation -

x

There was a shiver that shook his body awake, his eyes snapping open and he hardly even had the energy to move, to do anything, tempted to just accept his fate when he saw a rotation from the corner of his eye that had grown unfamiliar, his blurry vision focusing on the ceiling fan that spun slowly, blinking the sleep out of his eyes and realising that there was nothing to accept, no one lurking around the corner to inflict more pain on him, but instead, he slowly grew aware of the warmth that hadn't been there before, deprived of something he so desperately craved night after night.

He drew the covers down slightly, wiped the sweat from his forehead with his arm, hissing as he brushed against one of the cuts, yet biting down harshly on his lip to drown out the sound. Her body was curved into his, her long dark hair cascading down her shoulders and forming soft patterns between them on the pillow, his hand reaching out instantly, carefully to not touch the branded letters on his arm, brushing her hair to the side and pressing a lazy kiss to her shoulder as she shifted backwards and came closer to him, his arm then looping possessively around her to pull her closer, hardly paying attention the pain his own movements caused him.

Before he could implement his plans, he heard her breathe out gently, her body tensing and then relaxing again when she realised he was right there, he was okay, held her closer, his hand pressed to her abdomen, searching for the first inch of open fabric he could reach to get access to her bare skin, making her gasp when his hand moved easily to part her legs before she had even properly woken up. Her scent was too much for him, yet he couldn't get enough, desperate for more.

“Alexander...” she whispered, her tone scolding while her body betrayed her, curving her body right into his touch, his wrist disappearing beneath the flimsy material of her peach-coloured playsuit, no underwear underneath to interfere with his plans and she gasped, his calloused fingertips coming in contact with her clit once he'd properly spread her legs. “A-Are you-...”

“Yeh kno' yeh want meh...” he drawled, surprised by the strength in his voice, yet instantly ready to use it to his advantage, his lips pressed to her shoulder again as he started drawing slow circles on her clit. “Doll, dun't fookin' stop meh...”

She breathed out shakily, instantly desperate for more of him while simultaneously trying her hardest to resist, but it was to no avail. Her body moved into his touch, had him chuckling with satisfaction and she was careful to not move too much, to keep her distance so she wouldn't hurt him but as soon as he caught on, he pressed his thumb down hard on her clit, drew her in until she could feel him hard against her ass, his fingers sliding inside her without warning, filling her slowly, stretching her, the feeling so familiar, but she'd missed him so much, had at times thought she'd never have him again and now, she was so grateful, she didn't find it in herself to stop him, she wanted him badly and she knew that even if she'd wanted to try and stop him, there was no stopping him now.

He curled his fingers inside her, pushed his thumb against her clit and she whimpered, a soft mewl escaping her lips and she pressed her face into the pillow, her fingers clenching into fists. “Fookin'ell, Jade...” he whispered, his pain forgotten for the moment. He was so drunk on her, on the way she was already submitting to him in a way he'd missed more than anything, and he couldn't get enough, not when she was giving him everything he'd dreamt of. He felt her walls fluttering around his fingers, tight and squeezing them, her body shaking. “Can't take a few strokes of me fingers anehmore?” He teased.

Her face was flushed red, her hand gripping on to his abruptly when he buried his fingers deep inside her, curling them once again to hit the spongy spot that made her body tremble in his arms. “A-Alex...” she whined, the way he was already dominating her effortlessly with a few flicks of his fingers and only a few words overwhelming. “P-Please don't tease me...”

The movements of his fingers stilled and he inhaled deeply, shuffling closer to her, ignoring the pain that shot through his chest. “I asked yeh summat...”

His lips were so close to hear ear, his breath tickling her skin, his scent so comforting and familiar that it was like he'd never left her, had never left her worried as well as unsatisfied for several days. “I-I haven't-...”

A dark chuckle, another stroke of his fingers and she'd reignited a fire she knew would only grow now, a flame within him she never wanted to fade. “Yeh 'aven't wha'?” He drawled. “For a fookin' week?”

She breathed out shakily, was surprised by herself when she admitted it out loud, when he spoke the words for her, immensely satisfied with the way she curved her body into him, bucked her hips into his touch. “N-No...”

“Oh, Jade...” he drawled, moving his thumb to start pressing into her clit over and over again, harsher each time in a way that he knew would make it impossible for her to respond, her little gasps of pleasure, the shudder washing over her body, he wasn't looking for her to reply, only to torment her further. “Been waitin' for meh, 'ave yeh? Oh, doll, I can't believe tha'...” His fingers were moving faster inside her now, well-aware that he couldn't push it much longer, that he would have her crying in his arms within mere seconds. “Yehr cunt's been empteh all this time, yeh?” He teased, deepening his voice as he continued. “Yeh fookin' need meh, dun't yeh?”

“Alexander...”

He curled his finger harshly inside her. “Talk teh meh, pupa...” He rasped weakly, yet determined to have her bend to his will once again. “D'yeh miss me touch? Me voice?”

She cried out quietly, didn't find it in herself to disobey because she'd waited for so long, knew he would draw this out if she provoked him, would get angry and she couldn't hold on any longer, he'd pushed her to the edge within seconds. And she'd missed everything about him. “I-I need you” she cried. “Needed you all this time...”

He hummed, yet found himself less satisfied than he would have expected, his movements ceasing once again. “Jade, dun't yeh dare obey meh so I stop...”

She whimpered, cursing herself as her plan backfired, but she was worried beyond anything she had ever felt while she also wanted him desperately, didn't find it in herself to disobey him, even though she should have known it's what he craved. “A-Alexander, I just … n-need you s-so bad” she whispered. “P-Please...”

“As soon as I properleh can, I'll fook yeh up, Jade...” He groaned, his drawl as much of a promise as it was a threat. He couldn't resist her, abandoning his game, despite her ulterior motives knew she needed him, it was enough for now to know how desperately, and he nudged his thumb hard against her clit, his fingers stretching her with each stroke, curling inside her over and over again until he had her shaking in his arms. “Dun't yeh worreh 'bout meh now, doll...” he whispered. “Wha'ever yeh need, I'll give it t'yeh...” His lips were pressed to her shoulder, his breath ghosting across her skin as he chanted his promises. “Dun't matter wha' yeh need, doll, I'm 'ome now...”

“A-Al-...”

He groaned, focused entirely on the way she moved, smelled, sounded. “Cum for meh.”

She whined softly, her body shaking with pleasure as he buried his fingers deep inside her, toying with her clit to coax her through her orgasm, holding her as close as he could as she came down, breathing heavily, soft whimpers falling from her lips each time he nudged his thumb into her clit again, just to tease her, to savor the control he had over her.

“Mmm, I kno', doll...” he whispered. “Been neglected, darlin', I'm sorreh...” There was a deep sense of pride in his voice, he'd hardly been able to rest knowing he hadn't given her anything back after the night before, and before she could recover, regain her breath and compose herself, she already felt him pulling the fabric of her playsuit to the side to expose her, spreading her legs apart once again and she gasped when she felt the tip of his cock against her folds.

She shuddered, the strength and will power to stop him fading instantly. She'd missed him too much, her lips parting in a desperate cry when he filled her, stretched her walls, the friction, the searing burn of pleasure taking over, his fingers starting to rub lazily at her clit again, his other arm now finding its way around her, holding her down as soon as she attempted to move, take a little bit of control from him so he could save his energy, but there was no way he was letting her to this now and he started moving his hips slowly, pleased with the way she cried his name, the way her body shook more the deeper he pushed himself inside her, stroked at her burning walls, feeling her get wetter each time their hips collided, each time he spoke softly into her ear, his voice gentle, yet so deep, promising her all the things he'd do once he'd properly recovered.

The way she enveloped him felt heavenly, a bliss he'd been so afraid of being denied and he knew he wouldn't last long, was overwhelmed by how she felt, how he knocked her breath from her throat when he pushed inside her hard, disregarding the way his hips were aching, the way his wounds were brushing against the sheets, against her skin, none of it mattered, he just needed her closer, needed her harder, contemplating for a moment to let her take control to satiate both their urges but he insisted instead, had to take her his way, reveling in the way her walls squeezed him, the way she cried and gripped the sheets.

“Missed me cock, did yeh, pupa?”

His voice was going to kill her, she'd missed him desperately, missed the way he held her, spoke to her, fucked her, had the power to render her speechless, to evoke a bliss within her that only he and he alone was capable of. “S-So much...” she whispered, regretting for a moment that she hadn't forced him to rest, but she knew it was no use now, now that he knew how desperate she was for him, he wouldn't cave the way he had the previous night and he was taking her so good, so hard, she couldn't resist, whining, losing control of her body, her words once again. “Thank y-you...”

“Thaa's reyht, pupa...” he drawled, the way she whined, sobbed for him as he started pushing his hips into hers harder, as hard as his strength allowed him at the moment.

“Alexander...” she cried, fresh tears pearling down her cheeks and she resisted gripping his arms and moving back against him too much but he was doing it all himself, felt even stronger because against all odds he refused to hold back, refused to give her anything less than his all.

“I missed yeh so fookin' mooch, darlin', fookin' cum wif meh...” he grunted, his breathing heavy, his hips snapping into hers one more time, his thumb flicking her clit and she fell apart in his arms, her body tensing, then shaking as her orgasm washed over her, dragging him over the edge with her.

She felt him twitch inside her as the friction between her legs, their connection burned and set her alight, had her whining his name, chanting it repeatedly until she calmed down again, panting and shaking in his arms, the aftershocks as the movements of his hips slowed heavenly, blissful, her eyes shut tightly.

He lay with his arms wound tightly around her, breathing shakily when she shifted to the side so he slipped out of her, smiling with satisfaction as he heard her whimper and she turned around to face him, stroking his hair from his face that had fallen into his eyes and he tilted into her touch needily.

“Alexander Turner” she sighed. “You are too fucking much.”

He chuckled weakly, wiggling his eyebrows. “Jade, principessa...” He drawled.

“No” she cut him off, shaking her head. “Don't distract me. Yes, you fucked me good. But do me a favour, let me take you to see a doctor.”

“Jade, I 'ave teh fookin' call a meetin'.”

Her eyes widened, her mind torn as she regretted letting him make her so weak while still reveling in the afterglow. “Alexander, you can't” she said. “You're not fit for work now...”

“I'm Alexander Turner” he said, stretching his jaw slightly, shutting his eyes when he felt a surge of pain. “I … fookin' 'ave teh go. We 'ave teh act now.”

There was a determination in his eyes, a spark she had seldom seen and her lips parted slightly, a slow blink and she leaned closer to him, her gaze softening. “You have a plan.”

Less than an hour later, Helders opened the door for them to enter the headquarters. Jade had insisted on Alexander letting her at least clean his wounds again, helping him get dressed and he was now wearing the most comfortable shirt she'd been able to find, baby blue and cotton, a suit that was as loose as he'd have allowed, yet still too tight for Jade's worries. But she'd tended to his wounds best she could, and as she walked alongside him, sat beside him in the conference room, her tight blue dress matching him, she'd never been more attracted him.

He stood confidently addressing the men around him, conferred with Serena sat on his other side and acting like nothing had ever knocked him down, like he'd never been stronger despite the wounds underneath his clothes, despite the branding, now not allowing it to tear at his ego, to even allowing his confidence the slightest crumble, his hair slicked back, his face tense, determined, Jade by his side. There was nothing that could stop him now, and it showed as he oozed a sense of confidence that was indestructible, radiating determination, authority and limitless power.

There wasn't the slightest bit of hesitation now, as if he'd not missed a second, he assigned tasks, arranged duties, set everything in place, announcing that he would fill everyone in on his final plan as soon as he had figured it all out, ending the meeting with a minute of silence for the member of security that had given his life protecting him.

Upon exiting the office, his arm swung around Jade for support as well as possessiveness, he paused by the door when he saw Miles, took his hand thankfully when he offered it instead of a hug, as careful as it might have been, and squeezed it.

“Ya alreyht, yeh, mate?” He drawled, looking from Alex to Jade. “Two of ya are alreyht?”

Jade nodded, smiling, physically ached to be closer to Alexander next to her, yet knowing if she couldn't drag him to see a medical professional, she had to at least watch him and make sure he rested as much as he would accept, to make sure no one made his wounds worse, especially not her.

But before she could properly reassure Kane, Helders and Cook were walking ahead, meant to have her and Alexander follow them and she promised Miles to have lunch with him the next day, then hurried with Alexander to follow his security, back out of the building again and into the car.

“Alexander, where are we going?”

He lifted his head from her shoulder, rolling it to the side as he looked at her while they drove, practically flew through the streets with the city rushing by. “Me parents' place” he said, his eyes wide as he blinked back at her.

Jade tensed, remembered the last time she'd met them but telling herself that was going to be okay now, that she'd helped getting him back, that he'd forgiven her, seen she hadn't really betrayed him, that she still had him by her side. “And you want me there?”

His eyes widened. “Dun't beh fookin' ridiculous, Jade” he said, shaking his head slightly, a quiet hiss following when he moved his neck too much.

“Will you fucking sit still? If you refuse to see a doctor just fucking rest.”

He sighed, letting his shoulders slump and relaxing against her once again, all the tension that had built up during the meeting to reestablish himself now loosening again, just for the ride, just until he had to face his father, had to tell him that once again, he'd messed up. But now – he had a plan to eliminate those that had always weighed him down.

They arrived in front of a large gate, a few seconds passing until it opened and they drove inside, the heavy black metal closing behind them and Jade's eyes grew in awe as she stared up at the large house in front of her, steps going up the drive and leading to a big front door, the facade white, glass walls lining half of the interior and accentuating it from the outside, trees blooming in colour all around and shading the open and light space and she hardly knew where to turn her head, where to look as Helders opened the door for her but she quickly snapped out of it, assisting Cook in helping Alexander out of the car.

“They live here?” She asked, instantly intrigued, already determined to not lose her composure this time.

Alexander smiled. “Yeh, 'ave ever since weh moved 'ere.”

“We?”

“It's me 'ome” he said. “Grew up 'ere.”

Jade smiled, as surprised as she found it endearing, for a moment felt strangely out of place when she heard his words because it seemed like a new level of intimacy entirely, like he'd let her in on something when she'd thought there was no more to discover, it was so personal and a part of him she hadn't expected to see as he led her up the drive and to the door, knocking and instantly tensing with the movement as they anticipated the heavy white door swinging open.

“Oh, cucciolotto” his mother called as she opened the door, swung her arms around him as soon as she saw him, brushed her fingers through his hair and smoothed it down over his neck, tried her hardest not to hold him too tight but she could hardly contain herself, cupping his face when she drew back to look at him, quickly leading them inside. “Oh, wha' did they do t'you?” She asked with a sigh, pressing her lips together.

“Mamma, I'm alreyht...” Alex mumbled, yet couldn't help but feel even more at ease that she was not disappointed in him, only worried about his well-being, but as soon as she stepped aside and he realised that the door of the office was closed, he swallowed hard, looking to his mother.

“Alex, bello, 's alreyht” she assured him, gently placing her hand on his shoulder.

He nodded quickly, a weak smile as he turned to look to Jade who nodded back and him with a gentle smile, reassuring, encouraging, he knew that no matter what, she'd be right there to wait for him. “I've got a plan, mamma.”

The smile that spread across her face matched his, his unique features with so much warmth and familiarity that Jade was instantly calmed too, pressed a kiss to his cheek but he turned his head, with a surprising amount of strength he held on to her and captured her lips in a deep kiss, hard and eager and confident, had her feeling his strength, intoxicated by his scent, the way he tasted, smoke and whisky and he pulled away too soon, left her breathing heavily and staring right back her, the intensity making her knees weak as he dragged his thumb affectionately across her bottom lip before stepping back and heading into his father's office.

She stood unsurely for a moment. “Mrs. Tur-...”

“Oh, please, Jade” she said. “Call me Penny.”

Jade smiled, forced herself to compose herself, following her as she led her out of the hallway and into a bright lounge, gesturing for her to take a seat on one of two stools at a high bar counter, made entirely of shiny crystals pressed between two layers of glass.

“I 'ear you like cognac.”

Jade sat down, watching her draw a bottle of Hine, 250, from a shelf above the bar, her eyes widening. “I … I do” she said.

“Don't tell David” the woman in front of her smirked, her eyes shining with the same sense of excitement she'd seen so many times in Alexander's. “'s an expensive one.”

Jade crossed her legs, pressing her lips together to suppress the giggle that was threatening to escape, but she saw it either way, smiled right back at her.

“I thought we could 'ave a drink while the men talk” she stated as she placed two crystal glasses on the counter and poured the sunshine coloured liquor. “Alexander is alreyht though, yes?”

It broke out of her before she knew what she was saying, who she was saying it to, because it took not a single thought or moment of interpretation to see that she would for once receive the reaction she hoped for, the worry in his mother's eyes so apparent. “He refuses to see a doctor” she sighed. “But I tried to take care of his wounds best I could.” Only as she said the words out loud, she realised how much it bothered her, how frustrated she was, still scared that even though he was back, the pain they'd inflicted on him would come back to haunt him.

“Yeh're not alreyht either” Penny observed, sitting down beside her.

Jade swallowed. “Neither are you.” Her eyes widened when she heard herself speak, another set of words rushing out in a surge of passion, an instant regret for how much she'd said. But then again, she did hope Alexander's parents knew how much she cared for him. “Scusa...”

Penny smiled, waving it off. “Oh, bambina, no” she said, shaking her head. “Yeh're quite reyht. I am worried 'bout 'im, but I can see 'e's not unprepared. And when 'e 'as a plan, I kno' 'e'll beh alreyht.” She sighed. “But wha' can I say? Alexander is me weakness.”

Jade pressed her lips together, her fingers closing around the cold glass and she nodded slowly. “Yeah...” she whispered, now relaxing as she saw there really was something she could see in her that she could predict, that she could understand. “Mine too.”

Penny smiled to herself, nodding back at her, the look on her face carrying so much more than a sense of understanding they shared, the worry about Alexander, she saw something in Jade. “But yeh don't tell 'im tha'...” she chuckled. “It'll go reyht to 'is 'ead.”

In an instant, the tension left her body and Jade laughed quietly, nodding in agreement. It felt strange, yet welcome to talk about him this way, with all the love and affection she carried while his mother also knew him so well.

“Serena were telling us all the fings yeh did while they were gettin' readeh to get me figlio back last week...” Penny continued. “Yeh didn't follow 'is rules because yeh wanted 'im back...”

Jade swallowed, but if she'd learned anything, it was to stand by her choices, be it now or with Alexander. “They weren't moving fast enough” she stated. “His rules were nonsense.”

Penny nodded. “It's because 's puts the business before 'is own life.”

There was no response Jade deemed suitable, nothing to calculate, because while his mother of course worried too, Jade was unsure how she could approach the statement, how much she after all prioritized the business alongside her husband, her son. Before she could settle for something appropriate, Penny continued.

“I did tha' once” she said. “When David were just a couple of years older than Alexander is now.  Him and his right 'and were taken by business rivals” she stated. “I were left in charge because we just got married.” She brushed her hair back, smiling. “And I did wha' yeh did. Even though David told meh teh always put the business first.”

“And what happened?” Jade asked.

“Well, 'e's alreyht, isn't 'e? Wha' they don't understand, bambina, is tha' they are the business.” She looked at her, her own smile growing when Jade smiled back at her and nodded, then she lifted her glass. “To Alexander?”

Jade pressed her lips together, nodding. The way his mother pulled the strings in a way she had not been able to predict entirely although had gotten a taste of when first meeting her made her feel at ease, because she stood by Alexander after all. She lifted her glass to meet Penny's and took a deep breath. “To Alexander.”

[fa-nfiction]

Thunder #41

“The keys, Michael.” I tried to concentrate on finding the keys to my apartment. Michael was behind me, his hands touching me all over, which clearly did not help the situation.

“Forget the keys.” He growled into my ear before shoving me against the door to the apartment. I gasped with the sensation as he pressed himself against me.

“The neighbors-” I panted as he kissed the side of my neck all the while his hands were  moving downwards.

“Which one of them? Mrs. Smythe, the stock deaf one?” He chuckled into my ear.

“Hush! Don’t-” I tried to stop him from lifting up my dress, but to no avail. The risk of getting caught was only turning him on more.

Somehow, I managed to break free of his grasp and I turned around. Of course, that didn’t help much.

He trapped me, one arm on each side of my head, all the while he looked down at me with a devious smile on his face.

“Can I just get a moment to get my keys?” I looked up at him while making the most innocent face I could manage. “Pleeease?”

“He moved closer and pressed his forehead against mine.

“Afraid not.” He replied. Before I could say or do anything, his hands went down and below my dress, and a moment after that, they took hold of my stockings and ripped them to pieces.

“What the hell!”

“Hush. The neighbors.” He replied and kneeled down in front of me.

“Oh no, no you’re not going to …” I tried to protest but I didn’t even believe my resistance myself. I braced myself for him, but it didn’t even begin to cut it as he finally put his face between my legs. I let out an uncontrollable moan as I felt his tongue against me.

He wasn’t careful or slow or taking his time, he went straight for the most sensitive spot as he held on to my hips.

“Oh Gooood, stop this, stop-” I half-whispered with my eyes clenched shut. He didn’t hear a word I was saying, he just kept on going, sucking and tasting me as if he’d been starving. Although my rational mind tried to stop this, yelling at me in my mind for being this obscene, my body was welcoming him and reacting exactly like it always did. I could feel myself getting closer, and as he entered one of his fingers inside of me, I almost screamed with the sensation. He pulled slightly back, only to whisper a command at me.

“Keep still, darl’.”

I pressed a hand in front of my mouth in a desperate attempt to do as he said. He returned to his task and didn’t hold back. As he moved his finger in perfect sync with his tongue, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I raced towards the edge and beyond it, screaming into my hand as I felt my knees buckling below me. I heard him groaning against my sex and it made my orgasm even more powerful. I could feel myself shaking with the aftershocks as he finally pulled away from me, causing me to slide down and sit helplessly on the landing floor.

“Oh look at that, Cas.” He looked beyond smug as he stood up and pointed to my open bag on the floor. “The keys are right there.”

 ( … )

 I’d reciprocated as soon as we’d gotten into the apartment, the two of us enjoying each other as we used to do before everything that changed our lives. Now, we were laying on my bed, exhausted and longing for cigarettes.

“I like the decor here. Half pink and half blue. Sad that we have to paint it over soon.” Michael smirked as he looked at me. He looked sleepy, but blissful.

“Paint it over?”

“Mm-hmm. Now with your mom moving to London and all. We’ll have to wrap this here up as well.”

“Oy?” I got up on my elbows, looking at him as if he’d suddenly grown four heads on top of his own.

“You don’t think?”

“That she’s going to London? No, why would she do that?”

“Oh I don’t know, darl’.  Maybe that guy named Nathan?”

“Come on. They’ve dated for, what? Five minutes? I know her. She’d never do that.”

This day had been filled with surprises. Pleasant ones, but still. I wasn’t sure I could manage being surprised even more today.

“Is it because you don’t want her to?”

“What? No, of course not. I just know her.”

“Because if she moved, she would probably move in with Nathan. And then I’d probably get kicked. And then I’d have to find a house somewhere. And it would suck to sit there all alone. Don’t you think?”

“I - I … haven’t thought.”

“Do you want to?” He laid on his side so he could look properly at me. Something about his question made my heart flutter. I could see in the way that he looked at me that he wanted nothing more than for me to say yes. But also, he didn’t want to pressure me.

“A … house, you reckon?”

“Of course. Teddy needs a room and a garden. Oh, and rooms for his 12 future siblings, too.”

“What!” I punched him playfully in his chest. “12 siblings? I’m pretty sure that it’s you who will have to carry them, then.”

“Sure. As long as I get 12 more.” His smile gleamed in the afternoon sunlight as he teased me.

“And how did you become this filthy rich? A house - in London?”

“A small house. The 12 of them will just have to share a room.”

“Oh my God.” I was now positively howling with laughter. “You arse.”

“You love me.”

“That I do.” He kissed me on the tip of my nose and arose from the bed.

“Time for cigs. We have somewhere to be at 5.30.”

“5 more minutes.” I couldn’t endure the thought of getting up and going back to my Mom’s. I had missed Michael too much to not have him to myself for at least a little bit more.

“Fine.” He pulled up his jeans and moved to stand by the bed. I thought he was going to help me up, but instead he suddenly jumped on me. “Then it’s 5 minutes of tickle war!”

“Noooooooooo!” I screamed and laughed as he easily gained the upper hand.

 ( … )

 “I can’t remember the last time I had a meal like that.” I said as I exhaled the smoke from my cigarette. My mother and I were sitting outside, smoking cigarettes after the insane meal that Nathan had prepared. A proper English roast, with roast potatoes, Yorkshire pudding and everything else that went with it. Everybody had eaten until they just couldn’t squeeze down a single bite more. Teddy had loved it and everybody had laughed along as he covered himself completely  in potatoes and gravy. It had been like a family night the way the family nights should always be.

“I know. This one’s a keeper.” My mom laughed as she exhaled smoke from a cigarette of her own.

“Speaking about that. Why didn’t you tell me? I’ve known the guy for longer than you. You could have at least dropped a hint.”

“I don’t know.” She sighed. “I didn’t want to spring things on you. With the divorce from your Dad and all. I feared that you’d think I was moving way too fast.”

“C’mon Mom. The divorce was the best thing that could have ever happened.”

“”I know. But … well, I was afraid that you’d might get upset.”

“Does Dad know?” I stepped on my cigarette and put it out.

“No. I haven’t talked to him since … well, that was months ago. What about you?”

“God, no. The last time I spoke to him was when I was visiting you in the old apartment. He called my baby “a bastard child”. I’m not really keen on forgiving him, yet.”

“I remember that. I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

“I am, too.”

I saw a tear glistening in the corner of her eye.

“What’s the matter, Mom?”

“I should’ve-” She sniffled slightly but managed to compose herself. “I should have left him ages ago. I’m so sorry, Cassie.”

“Oh, Mom.” I reached out and pulled her in for a hug. “It’s okay. It is.”

“You’ve got to understand. I think you understand. A mom always wants to do the best for her child. In our case, I thought it was for the better if I stayed.”

“I know. I know, Mom.” We let go and looked at each other. “The best for me, right now, is that you’re happy.”

“I am.” She smiled and reached for another cigarette. “You have no idea.”

“And now you and Nathan are moving in together.” It was more of a conclusion than a question, and it seemingly came out of nowhere. I couldn’t believe the words I had just said, and even more so as my rational, steadfast mother nodded her head slowly.

“I wanted to ask for your permission.” She exhaled and suddenly looked like a giddy teenager.

“It was yours before you even asked, Mom.” She squealed - again, like a teenager - and hugged me tightly.

“Just one thing.”

“Anything. What is it?” She asked.

“I get to tell the boys.”

 March 1st, 2016

I managed to keep quiet for a whole day until Monday hit. Teddy decided to wake up at 6 AM, but I didn’t mind. Quietly, I managed to get him up and out of the room without Michael waking up. I got the boy fed, got him dressed, and managed to get the both of us silently out of the apartment  as we went to the shops.

 “Heeey, little darl’. What you got there?” I heard Michael’s sleepy voice from where I sat. I had simply put the present in Teddy’s hands and placed him on the bed, hoping for his crawling and movements to wake up his dad. It worked like a charm.

Teddy babbled happily and wrapped his chubby fingers around the small, square present.

“Hey darl’. What’s all this?” Michael said, addressed to me. He sounded hoarse, but happy.

“A present. I thought, since you’re going back and all today. Something so you can think of us until we’ll see you again.”

“I already am thinking about you all the time.” He replied, and it made my heart feel warm.

“None the less. Open it.”

“Oh, you like the paper, Teddy? Here. No, not the ribbon. I take that.” Michael cooed at the boy and tucked the ribbon safely away.

“What’s this … it’s a … a Routemaster bus?” He held up the small, red model car and inspected in from every angle. “Isn’t he a bit young for that? It’s got all these tiny parts-”

“It’s not for him.”

Michael looked at me in utter confusion. I probably should have waited until he’d had his coffee, I thought to myself.

“Look inside of it.”

Michael held the bus up high, trying to shield it from Teddy who had now grown tired of the glittery paper. As he laughed and tried to keep it from the boy, a small piece of rolled up paper fell from the doors of it.

“What’s this?” He spoke and finally allowed the boy to take the bus.

“A Routemaster so that Teddy can get used to those.” He read out loud and paused before reading the rest, as a smile formed on his lips. “You best find us a house. We’re going to England.”

He stared at the paper for a solid three seconds, but in my head it felt like time stood still. My old insecurities came roaring back. Doesn’t he want us to move to him? Was it all something he said? Didn’t he mean it?

I let out a breath that I didn’t realize I’d been holding as he finally moved. Carefully, he folded up the small piece of paper and put it in his wallet. He lifted Teddy up, placed a kiss on his temple, and then went to me with the boy on his arm. Without speaking a word, he pulled me in for a hug and held me tightly. I put my arms around the both of them and felt tears leaving my eyes.

This is it. This is really happening.

I had never felt so happy or so loved as I did in this very moment.

[fullfrequencycollective]

What is the purpose of a small, independent record label in 2018?

That’s the question I’ve been turning over in my head these past few months. I think I have an answer, but it’s gonna take some explaining. Stick with me.

Why Bother Records, the record label I started with my best friend Christian back in 2015, slowed down considerably over the past two years. The last release I was substantially involved with the release of was the Halogens / Staten split at the end of 2016. After that, I used the name to help Justin Fernandez release Staten music in a much more hands-off manner. Things slowed down because I was a senior in college, preparing to full-time student teach the following spring, and thinking probably a bit too much about my “future” or whatever. It felt like just one more thing I had to deal with during a period when I had an exceptionally high number of things to deal with, so I put it on ice.

Now, in my second year of grad school, my fourth and final semester, nearing a career path in education that seems manageable if slightly creatively unfulfilling, I feel decidedly stable. A month or so ago, I caught the feeling that I should bring the label back. That’s when I started thinking about what a small independent record label looks like now, after the time I’ve spent away from one.

I guess it starts with what a record label like Why Bother does. When I was operating Why Bother a few years ago, after an artist agreed to work with us, I did a number of discrete things. I hand-produced cassettes that I was able to produce for cheap. I redesigned and laid out album artwork to fit the unique cassette layout, then took the art to the printer and cut inserts to fit by hand. I assembled the product. I did publicity for all of our releases.

So what was all of that for? What was the purpose? I think it falls into three categories.

1. I wanted to financially support artists.

I got the idea to make WBR a cassette label after reading this Pitchfork op-ed back in my very first week of college. A selection:

“Speaking of vinyl, which is an expensive gamble for a small label, I like that cassettes are inexpensive. I buy them in bulk from National Audio Company in Missouri for around 50 cents each, and jewel cases are about 22 cents each. Usually I end up doing my own artwork and labels. Runs of 50 or 100 are small by any standard, but if you want to do everything, they take more time than you might think. I don’t like the word “cheap” here, but I like the situation that not having to worry about money puts me in. It’s just a cassette. I don’t feel bad about giving them away to people. Most people I don’t expect them to even listen; I doubt they have cassette players. But I’m interested in those 10 or 15 people who end up trying. Those 10 or 15 people are more interesting to me than Soundcloud plays.”

Tapes are inexpensive. You can turn a profit from them much more easily than you can from CDs or vinyl. I think we usually broke even on a tape run after we sold 8 or so. Toward my desired goal of putting more money in the artists I liked’s pockets, I think the math works best with cassettes at this scale. So I liked that part of it as a broke college kid.

But there’s more to the story as well. That’s not the only reason. Another selection:

“Music released on cassettes doesn’t feel desperate or needy or Possibly Important. It tends not to be concerned about The Conversation. It resists other people’s meaning. That’s what I like about the cassette. It whittles down our interactions with music to something bare and essential: Two people, sometimes more, trying to feel slightly less alone.

…

I like the community of labels. It’s small, humble, not exactly well organized. You meet people in a stumbling, haphazard way, which is refreshing in the age of the targeted ad. Steve at Moon Glyph. Tom at Mirror Universe. Emily at Love Lion. Opal Tapes, Trilogy Tapes, Leaving Records. I usually have not heard of the artists, who usually do not have publicists “working” the record. I often buy five or six tapes at a time, whatever releases are available. Sometimes they come right away, other times they take three weeks and two of the cassettes don’t have music on them. I listen to cassettes on a small Sony boombox (with Mega Bass), usually when I do the dishes or get ready in the morning. The music feels like a secret between friends.”

That brings me to another important ideal:

2. I wanted to build a community.

Music communities changed my life. From those first Marlboro Rec Center Now or Never/Feverview shows, to hearing “Red Floral Dress” for the first time in a basement filled with my friends, to all of those weekends at the Asbury Lanes, to every friend I’ve made at grad school that started with some conversation about how Against Me! kick ass. All of those moments are what draw me to music. Music communities are the rope that tethers me to this world.

When WBR started, we had the Mayflower Collective. We had friends who were all into the same things. We had something. I wanted WBR to co-exist with that something. One of my most firmly-held beliefs is that there is power in numbers. We take what successes we’re blessed with and use them to lift the family around us. We take care of our own. To elaborate on that Springsteen reference:

“In art and love, one and one makes three. In music, if it makes two, you’ve failed, my friend.” — Bruce Springsteen

To make three:

3. I wanted to curate what I thought was the best of the best.

One of my more vivid memories from the NJ scene was On Your Marks’ album release show at the Lanes in 2013. Standing there, watching whatever band was playing, I looked around and noticed that the place was damn near sold out. That my friends who were just trying to play shows with their friends and write dope songs, had somehow convinced two-hundred or so locals to pay money to see them play. I tried to scale that in my head—how long until it’s the Stone Pony? Then Starland? Then the Arts Center? What was the ceiling?

That was the moment that I felt an obligation to show my friends off to the world. That was the moment that I decided that I wanted to write about music. I started my dinky little blog later that week to get some work done that summer.

I carried that mentality with me when I decided to start the label. “How can I show the world this awesome thing my friends did? What’s the best way of doing that?" I only ever reached out to artists who I genuinely believed in. The musicians making songs that I felt in my body. The people I knew were good people. I only worked with *music* and *people* that I had faith in. I can’t speak to how much money we would have made if we didn’t pass on a few opportunities, but it kept the drive going. It still does.

~

This is running long, so I’ll summarize here. I want to reboot the label with those three concepts in mind. I want to get to the base of them. I want to try something new. Full Frequency Collective is that something:

The new Why Bother Records will have two facets:

1. A traditional record label that will dub cassettes to financially support our artists

2. A podcast that serves to explain why I love the music we release so much

Because I don’t want to make money off of this, and instead focus my efforts on supporting artists and causes I believe in, Full Frequency Collective is primarily going to be subscription-based. I’ve launched a Patreon where subscribers can get in for $1 or $5 each month. They can get in or out whenever they choose, but I’m hoping some folks will stick around. I am aiming to release a tape from a Featured Artist every other month. The podcast is going to be weekly, with every other episode being subscriber-exclusive. After the manufacturing prices, hosting prices for the podcast (extremely low), and whatever unforeseen cost it takes to create this endeavor, all money from the Patreon will be split between the Featured Artist and a charity of their choice (pending my approval—we ain’t shipping money out to hateful causes and we ain’t getting scammed).

To elaborate a bit on what you’re getting for your money:

If you pay $1 each month, you’ll get access to the subscriber exclusive podcast episodes. The regular podcast will come out every 14 days and consist of interviews with the featured artist about the creative process, the making of their records, their artistic ideals, etc. I’ll also get guest on to talk about the world of music news, music we get down with, happenings in the arts communities. Kind of structured. The subscriber exclusive episodes would be something more like “Jake and I talk about Karl Marx and economics for an hour,” more freewheeling and off-off-topic. 

If you pay $5 each month, you’ll get every tape we put out, every subscriber-exclusive podcast episode, a shoutout in the podcast each week, a copy of every zine I make, and the satisfaction of knowing that you’re contributing to both the arts community and charity.

Here’s the thing—

I know this is weird. I know this is not a “traditional” record label business model. But I think it works better. I think it’s a way to put money in the hands of artists who make the work I feel passionate about. I think it’s a way to give back to the communities that need us. I think it’s a way to put your music in the inbox of people who may or may not have heard of you before. I think it’s a way to combine the parts of the creative process into a larger, more complete picture, like the channels in a full-frequency stereo sound system. I think it’s a way to build a new type of community.

Thanks. You can subscribe here. If you have any questions, reach out. Let’s make something.