#causes! in this individualistic nightmare of a society!

[llycaons]

it's like all those infographics 'if you hate your job just think how happy an unemployed person would be to have it 🥰' like the terror of the brutality of poverty is enough to browbeat people into genuinely being happy they're not starving on the streets no matter how abusive or draining their job is. fuck that! like! god! we all deserve so much better!

[ultfreakme]

How do you think Junpei attending Jujutsu Tech would go? I'm always thinking about this, would he fit in easily? Would he still struggle to open up? Would the other students accept him? I think he'd still have a hard time, but Yuuji would be there to help him (and he'd be there to help Yuuji). I'd love to hear your thoughts abt this!

Hi!! Thank you for the ask!! I agree that I think Junpei would have a hard time, but Yuuji can make the experience a lot more tolerable. A major issue that Yuuji didn't consider but I've seen a few fics tackle is that Junpei was a curse user working with a special grade curse. He severely hurt a non-sorcerer and attacked a school. The higher-ups in Jujutsu Society will not be taking that lightly. Worse, Yuuji of all people was the first person to find him and would likely recommend and defend him.

It....does not paint a pretty picture. On top of that, Junpei's abilities emerged in a highly unconventional way. Junpei is an anomaly that they'd have no idea how to deal with.

If the higher-ups decide they're going to let Junpei live, they're still going to punish him and keep him on a very tight leash. I think Gojo, Shoko and Nanami would figure out immediately that Junpei was just extremely misguided and vulnerable to manipulation, so they'd protect him the best they can(hc that all 3 of them see Junpei and get reminded of a certain other dark-haired curse user who was their classmate with notable bangs and a conflicting relationship with the concept of humanity).

But the students....I don't think they'd be very understanding. Megumi took a shine to Nobara and Yuuji because they are demonstrably, unquestionably good people with strong convictions that they adhere to no matter what others say. He doesn't seem to like people who beat around the bush, faking things, and are indecisive, and Junpei's on really shaky grounds in terms of morality and would be just building up his convictions when he joins Jujutsu Tech. Nobara is extremely selective of the people she lets in and is hard to approach because she tells her judgements and opinions to your face. They're gonna take time to warm up to him.

I think they'd like him the moment he finds the courage to talk back to them, even if it's a horrible insult. Like when the bullies were pushing him to the ground and he gave it to them straight. Junpei's not...the nicest person, and I like that about him! I think Junpei would try to live up to Yuuji and act like him but the first-years would like him better when he's being more open and going on 15 mildly villainous rants about the human heart (I think they'd get to that after a few weeks of being in each other's presence, involving at least 3 tearful breakdowns and two almost-fistfights and shikigami-showdowns lmao).

The TEACHERS thoooo.... So I was reading this fic called A Soul's Shape and it made me realize the Jujutsu Tech teaching system and Gojo especially are Junpei's nightmares times 100(actually I think the Jujutsu Tech school system highlights the worst of a capitalistic, individualistic society's problems but if I start on that I won't shut up).

Junpei's issue was that the teachers and higher-ups in his school saw what was happening to him and did nothing. Jujutsu Tech is notorious for this issue, they literally send their students to their deaths and there's nothing anyone can do about it. It's the cause of Geto's spiral, Nanami leaving, Gojo becoming a teacher. So putting him in a place that could care less if he dies with a teacher who is THE STRONGEST PERSON ON THE PLANET(who has limited decision-making power within the system) is like-- nightmare fuel. Also:

Gojo like, a day ago:

He pulls this shit with Junpei and Junpei's going to never leave his room (omg he can bond with Megumi over this???).

It is up to Gojo, Shoko and Nanami to show that as teachers/mentors, they're not going to be like Junpei's former teachers. I trust Nanami to demonstrate that, but I am not sure if Gojo has the ability to show that to Junpei fast enough. I hope he does tbh because if Gojo demonstrates that he's a reliable adult, I think Junpei's experience would get a lot better.

(Mid typing this, I got an idea to make Junpei and Shoko the close-knit relationship because she occasionally reminds him of Nagi and poisons based on dosages can also be medicinal and help cure things so hey what if Junpei learns RCT with her?)

Thanks again for the ask I'm always down to talk about Junpei!!

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from the VtM “Lasombra” clanbook (revised edition) Ch 3

"You have no secret sins. Everything you do, we see. We know.” “You always knew that demons watched.” “You realized nobody could help you because everyone around you was damned, too.” “Not one righteous person graces this world.” “Everyone deserves suffering and death.” “In the end, when the light of the universe goes out forever, no illusions will remain.” “There’s always someone else who thinks he’s escaped his just desserts. He’s wrong.” “Teen angst darkened into lasting rage.” “Occasionally you stepped to the brink of paranoia.” “You’re the thinker, the one who weighs options and checks for hidden flaws.” “The cause needs you just as you need it.” “Something’s under your bed, in your closet and looming up behind you. It’s me.” “But more sinners and fools need punishment than you could have imagined. You’ll be busy for a long time.” “You’re your own nightmares come true, out to haunt others.” “If you weren’t actually good at what you do, you’d be one more buffoon bound for self-destruction.” “Deep inside you, something yearns for a peace that can only come from doing good deeds, as you once thought of them. But the world as you now know it has no place for that.” “Everyone you ever cared about was dead or gone.” “It can always get worse.” “You managed to dig yourself out.” “You found that nobody missed you.” “You watch over the kids.” “A few of them even recognize that your care keeps them from losing those last scraps of humanity.” “You don’t care about grand crusades — you want to protect the society that gives your existence some value.” “Oh, sure, you’ve got a lot to learn, but you’re doing well and enjoying it.” “Hand it over. Now.” “You were violently and sadistically abused, or coldly abused in a detached manner, and that’s how you could tell one regime from the next.” “Any outside peacekeeping forces were either ineffectual or in active collaboration with one gang or another, so that was no help.” “The cost for all this was service, and you gave it gladly.” “Your existence gives you lots of opportunity to hurt people and moments of solitude in which you don’t have to think much about anything in particular.” “You’re a pirate, and a good one.” “The world has hunters and hunted, nothing more.” “If you could take the larger view, you would see that your death validates the revolutionary struggle as your life validated the existing order.” “There’s so much to learn!” “It’s all about leveraging your core competencies.” “Maybe get leverage on them.” “Don’t show panic.” “It’s never too late to mend! Or, in your case, break.” “You had to do your part to help.” “The reality of war was less glamorous.” “You’re an anachronism as well as an idealist.” “You bring a level of practical experience with extremely dirty warfare that makes you valuable to your allies, valuable enough for them to put up with your limitations.” “Perhaps they also find your revolutionary zeal encouraging, an artifact of a time and place when the world seemed more malleable.” “They need you to show them how to do it right.” “It’s time for bold deeds and strong words.” “You rapidly earned a place for yourself.” “Always ask politely, but never fail to ask.” “Understand what’s going around you. Once you understand, you can judge with wit and precision.” “Dammit, if you’d just shut up for a second, you could learn something useful.” “All your life, you wanted to know something more, to understand the next layer beneath what you could see.” “Not bad for someone accustomed to being the odd girl out.” “You came close to the brink, but never quite broke.” “You’re a highly individualistic vampire.” “As power comes, you’ll figure out what to do with it.” “While you were alive, you went as far as living sensation could take you. Now you delve into unliving sensation.” “Modern technology makes it easy for a widespread group to remain in regular contact.” “A few hairs in the right place can keep a dedicated forensic investigator going a long time.” “You used to miss humanity. Not any more.” “Hot damn! This is a great way to go.” “Humanity has potential, but so does dirt.” “You remain consumed with rage at the society that made you suffer.” “Never mind the grand crusade for the future of the world, you just want to make the bastards who hurt you bleed.” “No amount of human misery will satisfy you.” “The artist must always portray what she knows.” “How can you turn back on the challenge of whole new categories of experience?” “Victory will be yours.”

[bus-trash]

Veronica Revisited: Normality vs. Violence

I’ve had a few thoughts since I wrote that long blogpost. One was, “Do I really have enough free time to obsess this much about Peathers Veronica?” Others included, “I can’t believe people on tumblr read that,” and, “Is the idea behind Veronica really that fucking complicated?”

I questioned that when I watched Peathers creator Jason Micallef in this promo talk about the basis of Heathers 2018’s philosophy: It’s a story about American violence.

https://youtu.be/Zjnd-oUOwdw

Under that lens, Veronica’s characterization becomes a lot clearer. While I think it’s true that she wants to transcend labels through love but is unable to do so due to the damaging system of labeling surrounding everyone in Westerburg, Veronica makes more sense when thought of not according to her emotional arc but when you consider the character herself as a criticism of America.

Veronica is indecisive. Heather Duke’s analysis of the three remaining characters in Hellscape episode 9, while comedic, says it all:

Veronica Sawyer… “Question mark?” What can I say? Rich and pretty can only get you so far when you don’t have anything in your heart. At least J.D. and Heather pretend to have depth. Veronica can’t even decide between cold-hearted psycho or basic bitch! … She’s “Leave it blank.” … Remember, Veronica, everyone’s gotta be something. Have fun being nothing. Thanks for fixing my casket angle though. Love you.

There’s no better way to put it. Veronica practically has no personality, but what she does have is contradicting: Is she someone normal, boring, ordinary, or is she an individualistic, psychotic killer? And exactly why is the answer both?

If Jason’s blueprint when creating Heathers 2018 was the issue of American violence, doesn’t it make sense that he would examine this most closely through the main character? J.D. is the most outwardly violent, and the Heathers are certainly emotionally violent. But it’s Veronica at the end who reconnects that bomb—even though she’s the only one really concerned with being a good and normal person. If she’s the most violent, what is that saying?

I’ve heard it said that America is a country that has an overly idealistic view about its own morality—that it feels it’s wholly good in a way that no other country is. Yet it’s also true that American philosophy (and I don’t say this as a jab) is in some ways the most selfish and individualistic. We care less about society than what you as a person are saying with your existence. Are you happy, rich, successful? And with a high value in capitalism we encourage people to compete for these titles. And it’s no secret America started with a hefty dose of violence. To be independent, we took land from the natives and conquered them to do it. (Consider the graffiti’d “ESKIMO!” in the episode six intro, harkening back to the Moby Dick story, as well as tales of General Westerburg’s morality even as we see him behead a Native American and hear of him raping one at Butcher’s Bridge. Heathers wants us to remember America’s bloody beginning.) It’s part of our history and that influences who we are. A large number of recent shootings today is certainly part of the American violence Heathers wishes to examine. So America is a country that considers itself wholly “good,” while also always wanting to be individualistic and different, at times (according to the show’s worldview) resulting in extreme violence. Sounding a little like someone you know?

But Veronica’s character being criticism in part isn’t a reason to dissociate from her. She’s the protagonist, and at the times the show’s philosophy really seems to see things from her side. Regardless of what people on here will tell you, Heathers 2018 isn’t didactic. It examines issues in a satirical way and doesn’t tell you what to think. I think somewhere in the girl who blew up Westerburg there still is that “good person” she hopes exists.

Compared to the other characters, she’s not. The most “good people” of Peathers are the victims, the stereotypes like Trailer Parker and Dylan who don’t try to fight back against the system but still resign themselves to its violence. Even Heather Duke and MacNamara make the cut for prom heaven. Veronica to the show is perhaps the worst person, ending in a horrific afterlife. But I argue in some ways that she’s still “a good person.”

In a very specific way, she is more of a good person than anyone else on the show.

When we first meet Veronica, she’s friends with the Heathers because it beats being at the bottom, but she clearly hates the way they abuse their power and hurt others. Heather Chandler’s character assassination of Ram is what causes Veronica to finally lash out at her after fantasizing about burying her in the ground. J.D. convinces her to get revenge with the helpful assurance, “Don’t think of it like we’re hurting Heather Chandler. Think of it like we’re helping everyone else.” I would argue Veronica goes after Heather C. in part because she longs for a Westerburg where everyone can be free. And she’s clearly disgusted when Betty Finn continues the cycle of abuse after Heather Chandler is gone. When Betty offers her a seat on the council of the “new Heathers,” Veronica wants no part in it.

While the show moves on from Heather MacNamara’s death rather quickly, it’s clear that it remains in Veronica’s head more than in any other character’s (Heather Duke comes second in this regard). Heather M. haunts Veronica in a daydream, and Veronica gets pissed when J.D. skips out on her funeral. Moreover, in episode 4, she murmurs in the car, “I was thinking about Heather, Heather M. Like if there was more I could have done. … Like if I had sent a text at the right moment or something.” The show also makes a point of referencing Heather M. both in Heather Chandler’s finale speech and Veronica’s whirlwind epiphany after, as if to say Heather MacNamara falling victim to Westerburg’s vicious cycle plays a big part in why Veronica did what she did at the end. We’ll cover Veronica’s crazier episode 4-6 antics in a minute, but Heather MacNamara’s memory also plays a huge role in episode 7. Until the finale, the only time Veronica herself knowingly kills someone is to avenge Heather M.’s death and make sure Mr. Waters can’t take advantage of any more girls. And it’s after this she tells J.D., “No more.” For her, the nightmare involving Heather M. is largely over, and she feels free and normal in that moment. She’s free, until more trouble with J.D. arises.

In episodes 9 and early 10 we can also see how her ideals of goodness totally counteract whatever feelings she might have had for J.D. But she does give us a surprising move in episode 8 when she recommits to the Heathers—obviously stressed over the possibility of the Heathers finding out her violent past but seemingly more frustrated by J.D.’s nonchalance about prom.

So you can argue that Veronica is in some ways a good person. While J.D. distributes vigilante suicides and the Heathers fight to remain on top, Veronica when she’s not busy gaslighting her boyfriend is actually trying very hard to be good. So where does she go wrong, and how does she end up the most violent?

The way I view Veronica, at her core she is an ordinary, carefree girl. She wants to live a normal teenage life, happy and average. She wants to fall in love with a boy who adores her completely. She wants to do well in school. She wants to grow up and have a decent future. She wants to be unremarkable.

But she lives in a culture where to be unremarkable is to be nothing. The world of Heathers is one that labels relentlessly, and exposes youths to the psychological violence of perfectionism and constant judgment. Even as a young girl she as frustrated. As a teenager, she is totally miserable. In a world where everybody’s gotta be something, it is impossible for a person who wants to be ordinary to be happy. They will always feel the pressure of a violent society.

In my interpretation, it’s this knowledge that causes Veronica to fall in love with violence—in herself and in her boyfriend, J.D. Her kind and normal heart is what draws her so much to Ram. But her knowledge of how the world really works is what makes her lust after J.D. A life with Ram would never really work. But J.D., J.D. represents individuality and enacting change. Combining an ordinary soul with the sort of cutthroat psychological environment Heathers seems to be depicting is America, you get someone who needs to express their individuality and enact violence just to be normal. There’s no hope in normalcy—but Veronica doesn’t give up. By shaking things up—killing Lucy, killing Heather, killing Westerburg—maybe Veronica will find another life where she can just be herself. She doesn’t. But, she tries.

Veronica’s love for violence blooms in the society that celebrates it. When she expresses her “real self,” she is “nothing” in their eyes. And when she finally gives in to the realm of violence, she finally has society’s approval as they hail her the engineer of the mass suicide. Yet paradoxically, she commits the act of violence for herself, as an individual. She does it because she can’t see any other way to be happy.

When I don’t keep this in mind, Veronica’s love for violence becomes puzzling. Her erratic actions against J.D. in episodes 4-6 seem illogical—doesn’t she see that J.D. represents violence, a way out? But for her it’s not as simple as that. She doesn’t only want a way out—such a fundamental part of her wants to be normal, to have a faithful boyfriend, to have fun with her best friend Heather Duke, to go to prom with J.D. But it mixes with how fucking pissed off she is at the whole damn world for its bullshit—she ends up lashing out at anybody to express herself. She wants to be a good, happy person and she will cut up anyone who stands in her way. Her psychopathic tendencies always serve the underlying motive of her wanting to be normal and happy in a society where no one else wants that—everyone’s busy with their plotting and power plays. Even when Veronica discusses wanting to be different “from all of them” and how J.D. and she have something unique and special, I still think that’s mostly because that’s how it feels to deep down want such basic desires at a school where everyone’s so backwards and self-obsessed. Veronica’s bloodthirst, her need to be an individual, it’s all because this school doesn’t recognize her. People need to impose their will most when they’ve been erased, and there’s no room at Westerburg for Veronica’s innocence.

Veronica is no saint. In fact, she’s the worst person on the show, singlehandedly pulling the trigger on a high school full of innocent students. But also, when you really think about it, Veronica is the only character on Heathers who’s entirely focused on being a good and happy person, even though she does insane things in the name of that. When I watch her in that way, when I stop trying to figure out what’s going on in her head and realize she’s the most straightforward person on screen, her emotions are entirely evident. She’s not trying to create some big change or even to become number one. In a country that says it isn’t enough to be human, Veronica is trying not to be nothing, to break away from violence through violence. Her trademark color blue, unnatural and tightly clung to, yet even somewhat cliché, represents this fixed hope: that she’ll move beyond the chaos and aberrant conformity around her, somehow find peace without compromising for anybody. Everyone is ready to answer the question, Who is Veronica Sawyer? But if you shut up, Veronica would tell you. She’s just her.

Bus Trash

[griffinblogsgw2]

2, 10, 11 for Terin and Tora please?

2. What’s their class? Why this class in particular, whether for in-character or your own reasons?

Tora: I think most of y’all figured out he’s a thief by now haha

It was for personal reasons. Before GW2, the last major MMORPG I played extensively was WoW in my teens. At the time, my best friend already had the game, was top level, and on horde. I naturally wanted to play with them so I made all my character decisions based on what there’s was. I had to be on horde cause they were, I had to be on a PvP server cause they were, and...

well, I wanted to play a rogue tbh, but she was a rogue, and while I’m sure she wouldn’t have cared if I played one, I stupidly felt like I couldn’t? I did all this research into what class would pair best with a rogue and chose a hunter.

And I hated it.

I hated it a lot. It became really clear over time that rogue was the best choice for my play-style (they’re fantastic for solo play) but by the time I figured that out, I’d already put in so many hours into my hunter that it didn’t seem worth it to start all over again.

I ended up quitting WoW, but when GW2 came out, I got the game shortly after release and didn’t fuss over who else was playing what. I was playing thief, no matter what haha

Terin: Guardian. Terin was first and foremost designed as a foil to Tora, so everything about his design was made with this in mind. Guardian felt like the proper opposite class to thief.

10. How do they feel about the other races?

Terin: They haven’t spent much time outside the Caledon Forest area so their contact with other races is pretty limited, honestly. Most of Terin’s experience is from dealing with traders and the occasional traveler. They don’t mind the other races on principle, but they have had a number of negative interactions that have put them off of other races a little bit (at the very least, makes them more cautious around them). They have a lot of pride in being a sylvari and are frequently confused by the customs of other races.

Tora: Hooooooooo boi. So as a general principle with Tora, he doesn’t like being told who to be or what to do. I’ve mentioned once before that he doesn’t agree with Nightmare Court on most stuff but he does agree that the sylvari culture is letting other cultures influence them in ways that go against their nature, and he is absolutely bitter about that.

That’s not to say he’ll automatically hate you if yer not sylvari, he doesn’t tend to hate ppl on principle, but he does dislike some of their cultures. Namely the humans if we’re being real here. Norn are hyper individualistic so they don’t really care what Tora does; Charr and Asura do their own thing so they’re not really a problem; Humans though? Humans see sylvari and because they look so similar they project everything human onto them and it sucks. And it’s humans who’ve influenced sylvari culture most. Humans are the ones who’ll throw a fuss if Tora doesn’t act human. If Tora throws on a dress for example, it’s the humans who’ll complain. I’ve yet to show this in comic, but if Tora’s in a human city he’ll often deliberately dress in ways to provoke people because of this. It’s his way of saying “Fuck you” basically.

Now I gotta backup a second here because I’m sure that doesn’t line up with how everyone reads the lore on human culture in-game. I think the devs wanted to make a society that had gender equality and no gender roles, but the way their world actually presents itself in-game goes against that. A truly gender equal society with no gender roles would not have gendered clothing options, frankly. Nothing says your society has different roles and expectations for varying genders than gendered clothing - and what that clothing is, how you expect each gender to present themselves - says leagues about what your society thinks of said gender. There’s also been hiccups in language that reveal more patriarchal leanings in the human society (best example off the top of my head are the graves of Noran’s family in Lake Doric. His son is described as Brave, and his daughter as Beautiful. That’s hella patriarchal).

I’ve been fascinated with the topic of gender my whole life so i could 100% write essays on how gender systems and roles are shown in each of the races, I really could (and I would love it but I don’t think anyone else would haha). I digress though, my main point is that this is the type of thing I’ll consider when thinking about lore. I don’t see the human society being perfectly friendly to all forms of gender expression, so Tora would probably get in shit with them a lot.

11. Do they have any family? What’s their relationship like with them?

Terin: They have two menders (so parents, ya) who we’ll see very very briefly in the last episode. They’re on good terms with both.

Tora: This is harder to answer as it’s 1. kinda spoilery and 2. Not fully fleshed out yetI think I’ve mentioned before that Tora’s backstory was first developed in that Rock AU of mine, and then adapted back into GW2? The adaptation was difficult - Tora’s original family had him with one parent, three older siblings, and one younger sibling. The only one to survive the adaptation was his younger sibling, Hayle. I had to come up with a completely different parent who we’ll learn about in the last episode. As for his other siblings, he likely has some more in the GW2 version but I’ve yet to decide who they are or how many. I mainly focused on the ones that mattered most to the story at present. If more are needed, I’ll make more.

As for his relations with them? He was always very close to Hayle, but otherwise, his relations are complicated :))))))))

Thanks for the questions! Sorry I’m very longwinded! ;u;

[suninacan]

Stating first that I love Japan and this is not ment as a criticism of Japan rather than dissecting what is probably just a petty rant about America. I actually think op has an idealised idea of it that ignores both the good and bad reality of Japan.

Assuming op actually got no discrimination there. Japan actually keeps its immigration under control. I'm sure a lot of the "wespeak english here" folk would not be hostileiftgey had not been frustrated by indiscriminate globalisation. In Japan a foreigner is interesting because it's not the norm. Also don't confuse a culture based on poluteness with acceptance. I'm not saying they do not accept you, but common courtesy means nothing.

Also, ignoring the question of whether masks are useful at all (and the severe issues caused by prolonged usage), there's a huge difference between doing something freely and being in a healthcare dictatorship like now. Poor job covering up your thirst for boot with your token culture if choice.

And yes, coming from a not even fully collectivist culture, I can say ut is fake and suffocating as hell.

This will blow your mind, but you can care about other's wellbeing in an individualist society, just then you'll know it's genuine.

You're not a "sheeple" because people are mad about your oooh sooooo superior empathy and morals, you are because you do not critical research about what's going on, and trust your saviors, your collective, to do what's best for you (spoilers: no).

This is not caring, this is a nightmare.

[macgregorhoughton]

First off, thanks for sharing your headcanons, I love them! I'm really hoping theres gonna be ride references too, from the clips we're getting the puns at least. I'm gonna be watching the backgrounds for any sneaky references to the Society but I bet you're right, its going to be in there somewhere. I’m the same with the Native issue, I’m a bit worried how they’ll deal with it but hope they might have a bit of awareness and address how messed up some of the stereotypes the ride had were- cont

Response under the cut! (following asks copied there too for reference)

First of all before I respond to anything, you do not have to apologise. This is quite literally my dream way to spend my time- talking to someone about a thing I like at length. The fact that you checked all the posts I made and took time to respond to them with your thoughts means the world to me.

2- I’m also really hoping we get a lot for McGregor (wtf is with that alternate spelling Disney?? But I do want the other two to call him Mac, I’d love that), learning to relax and find his place. I LOVE that Lily gets to do physical comedy, you’re right female characters often only get to be funny so long as that means they can still be sexy while doing it. Lily looks like she just goes “nope” to that and dives headfirst into a bit of slapstick and I love her already- cont

3- I really like Dwayne, hes got a warmth to him that comes across in Frank, even if hes trying not to show it to the siblings at first. I really want proper sibling moments too and I love that little one we got in the clip. Like, “you don’t get to laugh at my sister, now excuse me while I go give her a hand while laughing at her”. Like thats a great example of having siblings, I’ll help you out, but I’m totally going to mock you while doing it, but no one else can. BTS have me hopeful too- cont

4- I love your idea for the coming out scene. I think they’d be walking a very fine line in order to get it right, but if they did it could be wonderful. I really really hope we get that scene, no skirting around it or making vague illusions, I want McGregor to say “I’m gay” outright. Like, we’ll all know he is even if they don’t let him say it but for once I want Disney to live up to what they promised and let an actual main character be actually gay.- cont

5- I love the connection with the lights for our trio in the posters, I didn't put that together. I really want them to be a proper Trio, I’m really hoping this is a success so we can get sequels. Even if they’re terrible I still want them to see these three together. FRANK IS HUGGING MCGREGOR, I’VE GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS ALREADY. I don’t really have many thoughts on our three villains, other than I'm getting evil musketeer, smug plantation owner & WWII in that order- cont

6- I LOVE THAT GIF SET OF THE PUNS SO MUCH!! McGregor’s little smile and his laugh, hes loving it, Frank is loving getting a reaction, Lily is going to eventually find it funny how unfunny they are. I can’t get over how much I love McGregor’s little face in this, I can’t want for this scene, I’m gonna join you in imploding. Also, in your protective brother gifset, is he wearing a little tartan/ plaid suit? Love it. And on that note, I adore Lily’s costumes- practical and realistic but flattering

7- ok so thats me taken up far too much of your ask box, I haven't even property looked at the press tour things yet, but I do have one more thing, I have a theory about how Jack ends up in the middle of Emily and Dwayne's kiss if you'd like to hear it. Thanks for kickstarting this fandom and the wonderful gif sets, we're so close now! - Skip

So on to my very long response!

I've watched SO much about the ride just so I'm prepared to catch any reference. They just released Behind the Attraction on Disney+ and ep 1 is about the Jungle Cruise ride (Dwayne Johnson is in it too!). He talks about how much he loved the ride as a kid and used to imagine himself as a skipper which is SO cute and I'm so happy his dreams came true (and I find it very relatable as someone who dreams about being a raptor handler at Universal).

I'm genuinely a lil mad that the spelling changed. Because if you google it really everyone thought it was McGregor, they must've at some point released something on the movie for the press with that spelling and then changed their mind. Now everyone has it wrong because I suspect these featurettes are also gonna be the DVD/Bluray extras so I'm confident this is the final spelling. However I will continue to live in denial until I see the other spelling ON SCREEN.

"I really like Dwayne, hes got a warmth to him that comes across in Frank, even if hes trying not to show it to the siblings at first." Yes! I love that every character is a trope that I ADORE. Frank is the cynic who thinks everyone just wants to cheat you anyway and miracles don't exist who eventually cracks and warms up to people and shows that there is a soft, warm person in there after all. Lily is wildly optimistic and aggressively individualistic, not trying to fit in or caring about what anyone thinks and will probably have a moment of losing that optimism and doubting herself after all. And McGregor is the person who appears to think he's better than everyone, who's pampered and refuses to sacrifice any of the luxuries he's used to until he reveals he's gay and you realise most of it was just a show to cover up how hurt he really is. Three PEAK character tropes we're working with here and COMBINED with a reluctant-allies to lovers and a siblings trope.

"Like, “you don’t get to laugh at my sister, now excuse me while I go give her a hand while laughing at her”. Like thats a great example of having siblings, I’ll help you out, but I’m totally going to mock you while doing it, but no one else can" I have a gifset for that queued already, I love that you also focused on that rightaway bc I really went "Siblings! peak sibling energy!!" and gifed it immediately.

Based on the reports (that I cannot stress enough I have no idea how accurate they are) he doesn't say "gay" but it's unambiguous what he's talking about. Let's hope that's true! I'm imaginging some sort of "relationships with men" or "no interest in women but rather men" or sth like that. I hadn't really considered that it might be ambiguous to someone who doesn't know he's supposed to be gay so that's a new fear unlocked lmao

I'm going to be so sad if we don't get sequels cause so many franchises with several movies don't have a core group of actors that are just friends and get along as well naturally as these three. Or if we get more movies and Jack isn't in them or sth like that. Like any future where these three aren't the leading trio in more movies is a nightmare.

"I'm getting evil musketeer, smug plantation owner & WWII in that order" this sent me I swear. I'm most interested in Edgar Ramirez bc I'm curious abt the whole "conquistador alive "today"" thing. also what's up with the snakes lmao.

McGregor laughing at Frank's puns alone could sustain me another year if I had to wait that long for the movie. Luckily I don't have to. It is so wholesome tho, like the fact that they're gonna get along and also get closer and McGregor won't end up sidelined for being a bitch until the last minute or sth is so wonderful.

And yes! It's tartan! We've seen p little of the beginning of the movie in London and since that's gonna be focused on just Lily and McGregor I'm so excited bc we got so little content so there's gonna be SO much in the movie to look forward to that I can barely even piece together!!! (All we know is lily will steal the arrowhead before falling out of the window which mcgregor sees and he immediately follows her so I assume he knew to come there and that there's a scene where she asks him in one of their bedrooms about wanting to go on an adventure. So I'm assuming the bedroom scene comes first and she'll tell him about the arrowhead, he'll refuse to help her but decide to come last minute because he's worried about her (and the worry is immediately proven right as she falls out of a window lol). But we know so little that it's a really loose theory.

And yes!! Lily's costumes are so good. Frank calls her Pants so they will absolutely address that she's dressed very unusual for a woman of her status in 1916/17 and I hope they explore that a little and address where she even gets her clothes and everything. I mean Emily Blunt looks good in everything but the costume department really made something gorgeous with this. She is, for the time the movie is set in, very gender nonconforming which I love in a female lead. And Emily described Lily's fighting style as very Indiana Jones and brutal without much tactic or thinking and just brute force and I really would die for this characterisation. Like when I compare this to similar female leads like in The Mummy for example they're usually highly feminine, aggressive only in their attittude and witty banter but always emphasised to be beautiful and wearing dresses and lots of (usually historically inaccurate) makeup and they get like one scene where they smack the bad guy with sth heavy or sth so noone can say they're a damsel in distress even though they are. But Lily feels very much like a coherent person to me. She's very unusual for a woman at her time, her desire for adventure is in line with how she fights and dresses but she doesn't seem to have the "uwu I'm not like other girls" thing going on, she's just exactly who she is and wants to be.

and of COURSE I wanna hear your theory are you kidding! Cause I still haven't figured it out at all lmao. I just settled on "she probably meant he was off screen but right next to them while they filmed it" or sth bc I couldn't make sense of it otherwise.

also I haven't posted everything new directly here I think, but you probably know where to look for the new stuff. like there's some clips on their instagrams and most stuff is on youtube.

[nocololom]

The First

The tree stands in the centre of the village. We believe it to be the source of life and a symbol of our immortality, with its roots buried deep into the ground, bark as tough as metal and the never-ending blossoming of flowers. The garden of Ellow has been my home since I was a little girl. The familiar walls of white, tile-roofed houses spot the areas around the tree, and a constant stream of crystal clear water cuts through the back of the houses and down the hill. The grass moves about with the wind, dancing alongside the children. It’s a perfect picture, the perfect example of what earth should be like. I’m washing clothes along the river, watching the fish sway their tails as they move from one point to another. The water stays clear as the cloths lose its dirt and grime. This goes on for a while more, before I notice something. The water becomes murky, and gets darker and darker till it’s the shade of dark red, so dark that it looks almost black. I lose sight of the fishes, and I draw my hands out of the river. The liquid between my fingers is thick and sticky. A metallic scent fills the air, and I don’t need anyone to tell me what it is. I spring to my feet, and frantically wipe the liquid on my dress, a smear of red against the blinding white of the dress.

I run and my feet dig into the small rocks and pebbles hidden amongst the grass, causing pinpricks of pain. However, my mind is too busy to even comprehend it.. One thought fills up my entire headspace, and that is that something is very, very wrong. The sky darkens, and lightning is the only thing lighting my path as I run towards the congregation surrounding the tree. I shove and push my way through the crowd, hearing the murmurs and whispers even though nothing is registering in my head. Everything’s a blur, their faces, their voices, my thoughts. I manage to get to the front, and my heart stops. It is as if the wind had been sucked out of my lungs, leaving my heart still and lifeless. The tree. The tree is barren, leaves fallen onto the ground, surrounding the trunk in a circle as if it were a halo. The fruit, once bright and juicy, is rotten and grey, with flies nibbling on it, seemingly glad for the feast that has been provided to them. The flowers that once bloomed in vibrant colours have wilted, petals drooping towards the ground. The tree, the ones that provides us with everlasting life, is dying. That’s not the worst part. Amidst the dried leaves and grey-toned grass, a sole apple, still ripe and red, is thrown carelessly onto the ground. The shiny red skin of the apple seems intact, until I move to the right, and see the interior of the apple, yellow and succulent. Someone has eaten from the tree of immortality.

I remember my mother’s voice, the first lesson that she ever taught me before she died. I remember the white walls and the gentle rays of the sun falling through the window, kissing our tanned skin. I remember her soothing, melodious voice. Every word rolling off the tip of her tongue as if she was singing a hymn. The meaning behind the words, though, were anything but lovely and pure. That day, I laid on her lap, eyes closed but still awake and attentive.

“Let this be your first lesson. The tree has been given to us by God. We need to respect its holy and sacred presence. My child, it is the only thing keeping us alive here. You can look all you want, but remember, never eat from the tree of immortality.” She said.

“Why is the tree called the tree of immortality then? Does it never die?”

“On the contrary, if one eats from the tree of immortality, the person is granted immortality and god-like powers. However, the tree dies, taking everyone and everything in the Garden with it. We will all die.” She replied, solemn.

Everyone understands this rule. It is as serious as the rule not to kill and not to harm a neighbour. In fact, it is the most important rule of all. The fact that someone, one of our own, has betrayed us and sacrificed us all for the sake of their individual power, is incomprehensible. I look around, turning my head left and right, expecting to find a sole figure with a grim smile plastered onto his face. Or eyes that cannot help but to gleam despite the foreboding future that is in store for all of us in the Garden. Or hands that cannot stop fidgeting, from the sheer excitement of being granted immortality.

“Silence.” This one word holds much severity. A woman, despite her small stature, commands overwhelming authority and power that everyone halts and listens at the sound of her voice. “We do not know who did this. We are completely powerless in the battle against the one who has turned his back on us. However, what we can control is what we do next. The Gods have spoken. Each night, there will be a killing. One person must be sacrificed in order to delay the wrath of the Gods for cheating death. The council has decided on how the sacrifice will be chosen. Each night, a special gift from the heavens will be dropped onto the ground. The first person who finds it, and subsequently brings it to the village, will be saved. The last person, who was not quick or intelligent enough, will be killed.”

I hear gasps all around. The feeling of terror and fright is tangible in the air, and I can almost feel it wrapping around me, strangling me. I never would have imagined that it would come to this. What was once a peaceful, loving village has morphed into an individualistic society, where one cares only for themselves and their survival, unsurprisingly brought forth by the selfishness and cruelty of the one who ate the fruit of the tree.

“Today is the first night,” She continues. “Go out of the village, into the woods, and find the gift. One must die today. Let that not be you.” With that, she turns around, cape bellowing behind, and strides towards the forest. Her hounds follow her obediently, without even a trace of fear in their round eyes.

The woods have been a place that I’ve proactively avoided since I was a child. It also seems like a scene from a fairytale story – perhaps the forest where Little Red Riding Hood meets the wolf, or maybe where the witch imprisoned Rapunzel. It almost seems that way; thick bushes of green line the barely noticeable path, trees so tall that you can’t see where the top is, grass so wild that it pokes at your ankles and calves as you walk. I can barely see two feet in front of me. I continue walking, even though I don’t exactly know where I’m going and in what direction. I just keep propelling my legs forward, despite the stings of cuts that I’ve gotten from walking in the sharp, tall grass.

Suddenly, just as I thought I was alone, a rustling sound comes from my right. I spin, drawing my knife out from its sheath - the only thing I bothered to grab from the house before making my way out. By the time I got home, my aunt had already left. No one wants to be the one who will be killed. I don’t blame her, I would’ve done the same thing. “Hello? Who’s there?” I ask, voice quivering despite my efforts to not let my panic at being caught alone and vulnerable show.

“Julia? Is that you?” A familiar voice replies. My heart beats again, no longer paralysed by the fear of a stranger finding me alone in the darkness.

“Lizzy! I’m so glad to see you. I’ve been walking for ages, I don’t even know what I’m looking for, honestly.” I sigh, the feeling of exasperation and dread yet again settling in my chest.

“It’s okay, at least we’re together now, right? Let’s help each other out.” She says, and despite the darkness, I can feel her smiling. Her words illuminating the dark and seemingly impossible task.

Finding something that you don’t know is like finding a needle in a haystack. Finding a friend in a desperate time is like finding a fish in the middle of a desert. Both practically impossible. Yet this friend came to me. Elizabeth is by no means my best friend. She’s more of an acquaintance - a quick hello and smile is enough to suffice. However, I really needed someone to depend on. I need someone to assure me that this isn’t a nightmare and that everything will be alright soon.

We continue searching, looking through the bushes, trying to find– whatever it is that we have to find. The sky is dark, without stars, and only the moon is (barely) lighting our path. Strangely, the sky starts to light up, and the path in front of us seems clear. I can see the trees around me, and the bright flowers spotting the bushes. Slowly, the light fades again, converging to my right. Elizabeth turns to me, and slowly says, “I think we’ve found what we’re looking for.”

We race towards the point where the light beam is. It’s already fading, slowly. We continue running, even though my legs are burning, and with every step, I can hear increasing sounds of rustling and voices. I’m assuming we’re near, or at least I hope so. And although at this point, there is light lighting the path, we’re running so fast that my foot slips on a wet spot and I fall. My body twists, and I get hit in the stomach multiple times by the hard rocks on the ground as I roll downhill.

I groan, my body in pain as if it’s been set on fire. My skin burns, blood gushing out of the numerous cuts across my skin. Elizabeth runs towards me, shouting.

“Julia, are you okay? We have to go, come on!” She says quickly, helping me up by grabbing my arm.

I sling my arm around her neck, limping on one foot. My ankle has gotten so swollen that I can barely set any weight on it without a sharp pain shooting up my left leg. We move slowly, too slowly. We won’t get back in time.

At last, we get back to the village. The Chief is waiting for us, beyond the gates that mark the beginning of the village and the ending of the forest.

“You two are the last people to return. Only one can enter.” She says, sadness evident in her eyes. She chokes out the words, almost like she doesn’t want to say it. This is the most emotion I’ve seen from her.

I look at Elizabeth. She has wide, brown eyes. She has a family waiting behind the gates. She has a younger brother, two parents and her grandmother waiting for her. Her mother has begun to cry, leaning into her father’s chest. Her father looks like he is on the verge of breaking down too. He bites his lips, holding back what seems to be a fountain of tears. Her brother, a child of only four; who has seen too much for his age, clutches to his grandmother. Elizabeth has so much life left for her. She helped me and held onto me at the expense of her own life. She is selfless beyond words. She is something I can never be.

I think, what have I done in my life, that was truly selfless? What can I do with my little time left to make my life something worthwhile?

So, I push her.

A life for a life. She could have left me to die in the woods, but she didn’t. She could have pretended to not see me, but she didn’t. In a sense, I’m being selfish in this action of selflessness. I’m doing this for myself, to make my life worth something if it’s going to end soon anyway. However, I’d like to think that it was the right choice; the selfless choice. One that can make all the difference to her.

So, I become the first one to die.

[christinamirabilis]

ask meme for the lols cos i’m sick and sad and feeling sorry for myself

Sunrise or sunset?  Sunrise

Are you mentally ill?  Like, I have a mental illness, but I’m not ill.

Are you physically ill?  I have a nasty cold right now.

What is the most expensive thing you have bought?  Either my scooter or the electric piano I used to have, they cost roughly the same I think.

Do you have a job?  Yes I work in a bookstore.

Are you in school?  I’m at university.

Are you a dropout?  I have dropped out of university in the past.

Are you in college?  I’m at university.

Introvert or extrovert?  Most of the time I think I’m an introvert but then occasionally I wonder if I might be an ambivert but honestly it doesn’t really matter.

What do you think when you look at your body?  Gross but nice titties.

What have others said when they look at your body?  Nice titties.

Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply?  Quite a few, but Goodbye by Apparat ft. Soap & Skin always makes me feel things, and usually not in a good way, I associate it pretty strongly with my suicide attempt in 2013

Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? S and I went dancing at Boogie Wonderland just before it closed down - that was the night of my last choir concert, and we had had dinner with my parents, and we had a few drinks and went out dancing and we were so happy and in love and couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

Are you confident wearing a bikini?  Nah but I do it anyway.

Can you look people in the eyes while talking?  Mostly, but sometimes I become aware of the fact that it is polite to make eye contact and all of a sudden it feels like a terrible struggle to maintain it.

Has anything terrible happened to you?  Everyone has had at least one terrible thing happen to them.  I guess the worst thing that has happened to me is that people hurt me when I was very young and that made me unwell.

Has anything wonderful happened to you?  I had the chance to become well again and hopefully turn my experiences to good.

Favourite part of your personality?  I don’t know, but I do think I am very resilient and reasonably empathetic?

Least favourite part of your personality?  Hoo boy where do I start?  Probably my lack of motivation/tendency to procrastinate.

Favourite part of your body?  Titties.

Least favourite part of your body?  Everything that’s not the titties.

Favourite quote?  “Last year I abstained / This year I devour / Without guilt / Which is also an art” - Margaret Atwood.

Do you have friendships with all genders?  More or less.

Do you have a good relationship with your father?  Yeah, it wasn’t good when I was a teenager but it’s good now.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?  Yeah, as above.

Do you have a good relationship with your siblings?  As above haha.

Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member?  Yeah lmao.

Have you ever had a near death experience?  Two should-be-dead near-death experiences, two could-have-died near-death experiences.

Do you know anyone who has taken their own life?  No.

Have you ever tried to take your own life?  Five times.

Biggest lie you have told?  “No I’m not planning to hurt myself.”

Do you follow any conspiracies?  I mean, I don’t know what this question is asking.

Do you believe in a New World Order?  I have no idea because I know nothing about it, but the kinds of people that talk about the New World Order are, in my experience, also the type of people who seem to be anti-vaccination and hold generally very unscientific views about the world, so I am very sceptical.

Do you respect your government and the way your country is run?  I mean, I guess so, we’re supposed to be one of the least corrupt countries in the world, so I suppose I have little to complain about, but we’ve had a conservative government since 2008 and I feel like everything would be a lot better if they were no longer in power, fingers crossed that Labour get their shit together for the election this year (although I will and always do vote for the Greens).

Is there currently any strife in your country?  There’s probably some avocado shortage or something, or, actually, I did read an article this morning about people complaining about bee poop in Whanganui, but that’s it.

Have you ever been displaced within your country?  No.

Are your friendships healthy?  I would say so.

Are you currently fighting with a friend?  Not that I’m aware of.

Are you jealous of a friend? Why?  Not currently.

Do you believe in the Illuminati?  See the answer to question 34.

Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who?  See the answer to question 34.

How can people tell you are nervous?  If i’m either quiet or talking more than usual, fidgety, shaky, stuttering a lot, etc.

How can people tell you are sad?  Quiet, withdrawn, tendency to isolate and not really eat.

Do you ever express your true feelings?  Whenever I can.

Regrets in your life?  Not doing my best to hold on to the love of my life, taking so long to figure out where the fuck my life is going.

Achievements in your life?  Not being dead, I did some cool music stuff once, I bought a vegetable last week.

What did people say about you in school?  Psycho attention-seeking lesbian but also really smart.

What did you say about people in school?  Please do not pay attention to me and let me be psycho in peace also I have never had a gay thought iN MY LIFE

Is there something you have never told anyone?  I don’t think so.

Have you committed an illegal act?  Of course, who hasn’t?  I have jaywalked and pirated and even shoplift a couple of times.

If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it?  Get someone to show me how to buy shares, then buy one million dollars worth of shares.  The next day, liquidate it all, chuck it in my bank account, dolla dolla bill y’all!  and then get on the first flight to Canada.

What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18?  Ballerina, novelist, composer, death.

Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined?  I don’t remember it, I was drunk and then he date raped me.

Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household?  Low income.

Are you from a broken marriage?  No, my parents are extremely married.

Have you been raised by a solo parent?  As above

Do you know both your parents?  As above.

What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have?  Blue eyes, purple hair, pale af white skin.

Have you abused drugs or alcohol?  Nah.

What languages can you speak?  English, some French, a tiny bit of NZSL.

Do you conform to your society’s standards?  I live in a very loose-individualistic culture so there really aren’t a lot of standards to conform to.  But I am a purple-haired lesbian who is covered in self-harm scars so I guess I’m not the poster child for this society.

Do you cry often?  Not usually, but I have cried a lot in the past four months or so.

Do you tell people what you think of them?  It depends on whether I like them or not.

Are you comfortable accepting compliments?  It depends on the compliment and the person giving the compliment.  But I do my best because I know that the person giving the compliment usually means it.

Are you comfortable giving compliments?  Yeah, I think people should know their good qualities, plus it costs nothing to bring a little positiveness to someone’s day.

Is any mental illness hindering your life?  It doesn’t make it easy, no.

Is any physical illness hindering your life?  Right now this cold is stopping me from being comfortable.

Do you keep up with current events?  Not really, only things that I passively read or hear about, I’m too sensitive and I just get upset otherwise.

What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read?  People in Whanganui are upset about bee poop.

What have you done today?  Very little, because I’m sick - woke up from a nightmare about S, cried because I miss her and I always get stupid emotional when I’m sick, went back to sleep, got up late and had a shower, ate some food and finished watching A Series of Unfortunate Events, went to the supermarket, came home and sat on the couch and started watching Legion, and that’s pretty much it.

Do you sleep well?  Normally, if I take all my meds - prazosin to stop most of the nightmares, magnesium for muscle relaxation, helps sleeping oh my god I feel like everyone should take it because it’s amazing.

Do you sleep badly?  I mean, like, the answer to the previous question probably answers this one.

Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting?  Yeah and I regret it every day.  But the person I hurt and I are on good terms and they’ve forgiven me for it, so that’s nice.  I used to do stuff like that when I was 19 and really unwell, in residential treatment, but I haven’t done it since then, so it was a pretty nasty realisation that I had done that, but I guess it was a measure of just how unbearably I was hurting, and just how much I loved the person who was the cause of the hurt.

Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting?  Yeah.

Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why?  I had to end a friendship with someone because they were really frickin awful and told me that I didn’t deserve access to the rape crisis service that helped me deal with my sexual abuse trauma (that this person knew about) as much as they did, because they’re trans, and that to not admit that my sexual abuse was somehow not as bad as theirs was transphobic.  So, yeah, you can see why I ended that relationship, although this person still probably feels like the wronged party - I don’t know, though, I haven’t spoken to them in two years, and honestly I have never missed them even a little bit because they were extremely hard work to be friends with, one of the most self-absorbed people I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing.

Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves?  Yeah.

Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself?  Haha, yes.

Do you like your laugh?  I think it’s kind of ugly although I don’t really think about it much, but I’ve heard from others that it’s cute so idk.

Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind?  No, I plan to just let it happen and lie down on the ground with a paper bag over my head, Hitchhiker’s Guide-style.

Do you have any funny family stories?  Not really, my family are boring as fuck.

Are you religious?  No.

Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies?  I mean, I guess, but they’re certainly not my favourite genre.

Are you interested in cults?  I don’t want to BE in a cult, but I do find them very interesting.

Would you like to raise a family in your country?  I guess so, my country’s pretty good.

List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got?  I honestly can’t think of anything apart from minor material objects that mean nothing and the lack of which had zero impact on my life.  I guess, I could have done with a normal childhood in that I never felt secure, always felt scared, and that was down to the sexual abuse that I suffered.  If I hadn’t been abused, I would have been able to feel safe, and, like, that would have made a huge difference.

Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling?  No, she’s only two and a bit years younger than me.

Are you from a blended family?  No.

Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not?  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with marriage.  And I don’t take the view that some queer people take that marriage equality is assimilationist - although I do very much agree that it really only benefits middle-class and up white cis queers, because marriage is not something that working-class queers care about when they’re literally just trying to stay alive, so marriage is the least of the problems.  But apart from the fact that marriage equality is only a superficial victory in the queer struggle for equality, I do still think that it is a nice, important step, like, it is good for morale in some ways I think.  Anyway, that doesn’t answer the question.  I think, for myself, I would like to get married.  I kind of want all of the things I wanted as a little girl, even though I assumed that it would be with a man - marriage, honeymoon, travelling the world together, raising children together.  Things that I wanted, and then thought I would never have when I was convinced that I was going to die, and that nobody would ever love me regardless.  And then I learned that I was gay, and I learned that I really did want to be loved, and I did want all those things that little-girl me wanted.  But, honestly, that stuff is not important.  Getting married is not important, the travelling the world together is not important, even raising children together is not important - what I want, more than anything, is to be with my soulmate and to love and be loved unconditionally.  And whatever adventures await us is all I need.  That probably sounds cheesy and idealistic but, yeah, I don’t know.  That’s just what I want.  Unfortunately I still have a pretty concrete, unshakeable belief that S is my soulmate and so yeah, that’s pretty hard, but yeah.  We’ll see what the future holds.

What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you?  I don’t know what the nicest thing EVER said to me was, but the nicest thing I remember recently was when my kaiako at wānanga told me that I reminded him of a friend of his, someone that is really cool, and that he thought I seemed like a really cool person - he said this to me even though he had only met me a couple of times, and had no reason to say this, and just, yeah, it was really genuine and it made me feel really good.

Do you keep a journal?  Not anymore.

Would anyone be hurt by reading it?  Not anymore.

Do you have children?  No.

Have you been pregnant?  Hell no.

List your favourite movies?  Nah too hard.

List your favourite people?  Nah too many.

Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body?  No birthmarks.  I have scars on my arms and my right thigh from self-harm, one under my right eyebrow from an old eyebrow piercing, and one on the bottom of my left foot from when I had a veruca cut out when I was 13.

Do you look after yourself?  Lmao no.

Do you put yourself or others first?  It depends on the situation, I try my best to do the right thing.

Are you happy today?  Not really, I’m sick and I miss S so frickin much.

Are you loved?  Yes, but not the way I’d like to be loved.