#cause when i know clothes arent being made anymore i freak out

[nytfythfhtyf]

i can get so obsessive and mentally ill about shirts you havent even seen since the 2000s

[shhhlikeme]

Request for a scenario where Bokuto wakes up with his body swapped with his fem! S/O’s!

A/N: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA—

Answered this lovely req because one very sad anon wanted some humour!!!! This is dedicated to you sweetie!! Leggo

———————————

FREAKY FRIDAY: Bokuto Edition.

In Which Bokuto Switches Bodies With His Fem!S/O ♻️👫

———————————

this fucking loud owl-headass mf 😒

Y’all have been dating for 3 years after high school graduation and it was great

Except today. Cause it was FREAKY FRIDAY

Bokuto woke up to you screaming (in his voice) and when he saw that his body was running around the room in panic, he didn’t even scream himself

He’s really not a morning person so he doesn’t really know if he’s still dreaming or not

He just sat up on the bed drowsily and watched himself run back and forth and have a panic attack

“BOKUTO WHY TF ARENT YOU FREAKING OUT!!!! I’M YOU! AND YOURE MEE!”

Mans tried to just go back to sleep because he was tired so he moved back under the covers.

When he did that he noticed his body wasn’t sore like a professional athlete anymore because his muscles didn’t protest!!!

Realizing this, he jumped up on the bed and started doing some Avengers battle moves because they didn’t hurt as much

He jumped off the bed directing himself into your arms and you (still thinking he was bokuto and way heavier than you) you dodged him

Bokuto fell to the floor in your body

“Oh my gosh sorry Bo!!! I forgot for a second—“

Kōtarō‘s usually sore muscles only felt a little bad so he jumped right back up.

and acted like he had just withstood an earthquake

He was so short now that he took over your height and he acted like he didn’t know how to walk because of it

“So this is the view from shrimpville 🍤 ....I can’t say I like it. How does my protégée Hinata do it....?” Bokuto murmured as he looked up at himself you.

“Damn I’m really hot from this angle. You should tell me more, Y/N.”

you tried to attack him because WHY ISNT HE FREAKING OUT but Bokuto stopped you , batting his your eyelashes at him you.

You’re thinking: so that’s how cute I look when I make that faceeee? No wonder Bo gives me whatever I want when I do it!

He smiled

“Whoaaaaaa you stopped right away. that look really does work! I should do all the other shit I can do now seeing as I can probably get away with it as a hot girl?! Remember that time I had to pay extra at the lot but you didn’t ?! Hmmm I’m going to start with stealing my old coaches car—“

Your eyes widened while Bokuto smiled at you with your beautiful smile.

“Come here Owl head. We are switching back now.”

“You are the owl head now! I’m a hot girl that can do no wrong 💅.”

You looked for something else to throw at him and you heard your voice squeal.

“Y/N, LEAVE ME ALONE I LIKE BEING A CHICK!”

You opted to throw a pillow at your dumbass boyfriend like you always do—but forgetting how much stronger you are with Bokuto’s muscles, the pillow hit bokuto your body powerfully, and he went flying

lmaoooooo

You kept apologizing

Bokuto got up slowly and rubbed his chest where you hit him

Mid rub....he stopped.

Cue his owl genes causing his eyes to go 👁👁 even with YOUR eyes!

Expecting to feel his normal hard pecs when he rubbed his chest, instead he felt two soft mounds

“I HAVE TITS!!!!!”

You watched him in disbelief and then felt something weird in Bo’s body moving on its own.

You looked down and shrieked.

“KŌTARŌ WHY IS YOUR PENIS MOVING WHEN I DIDN’T WILL IT TO!”

“You have my body Y/N. that’s how my body reacts to seeing you massage your tits. Please be mature about this.” He said all pestering-like.

On instinct you threw another pillow at him but this time Bokuto dodged it, running around the room singing

“HEY HEY HEYYYY........TITTY GANG.....!”

Then he ran to the bathroom whipping his your shirt off to see them naked.

“Bokuto, put my shirt back on right now!” You tried to chase after him but your short legs that Bokuto got to use locked you out faster.

You banged on the door three times and Bokuto answered it with that puppy dog face while clutching your naked breasts (on him)

He jutted out his bottom lip (your bottom lip)

“Can I keep them baaaabe? They are so perfect and they love me! Look! I already named them Fun Bag 1 and 2. Pretty please can I keep em?! With a cherry on top?!”🙏🏼 he begged as if he was asking to take home a stray dog.

that cutesy face of yours almost got you to give in AGAIN!

“No, Kōtarō! And stop squeezing them like that! Your penis won’t stop twitching, it feels like I’m fucking possessed! I hate it! Switch back with me NOW!”

Bokuto swerved around you. “Not before I get nipple piercings! Now you won’t have to feel that pain baby!”

ohhhh you were just bubbling in anger .

Bokuto tilted his head to look at you while still holding onto your boobs as if they might disappear

You were pinching the bridge of your nose looking like you were having a migraine

You kinda were

Bo shrugged and started getting ready in his clothes to leave for the day. But Once he realized how big they were he tried to slip into your clean pair of thong underwear

He was thoroughly lost and tried to stretch them out first because they appeared so small in his hand

He ripped them.

YOUR FAVOURITE THONG. 😡😡😡😡

“Oh well. Guess I’m going commando! Score!”

you had to sit down because if you jumped on your boyfriends back you’d be hurting your own back.

You thought of ways to get him to agree to switching back:

“Bokuto. Akaashi won’t be friends with you anymore if you’re a random female now.”

“Sure he will!!!! I’ll be able to give him your puppy dog face... he was never able to refuse that either.” He slipped your shoes on.

Grrrrrrrrr.

“Well Bo, you know I’m not as good at volleyball so I might lose your spot on the team.”

He shrugged. “No way! I’ll give coach my puppy dog face and say my boyfriend is sick so he’ll just bench me until we feel like switching back.” He dressed you hideously and made his way to the door.

You had one more chance.

Grrrrrrrrrr x2

“Okay...... but....Bo.....if we don’t switch back........................then we can’t have sex.”

this fucking loud owl-headass mf slowly turned around like: wait wahhhhhhhh—

You smirked

“Yeah. Sorry. I have no idea how to work this thing 🍆 nor do I want to. So you’ll never get to be inside me—or me Uh...I guess... me inside you—er—again!!! Unless you switch back—“

Your small body that your boyfriend was controlling slammed into his and Bokuto soaked his own chest with your tears.

Bo in your body:

“Y/N!!!!! I DON’T WANT TO BE A CHICK ANYMORE! CALL AKAASHIII. I’M SORRY! SWITCH BACK WITH ME NOW!”

———————————

A/N: let the record show that I love Kōtarō with all my heart 😂

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

Rockabye Royalty (One-Shot)

-------------------------

"I dont care! Just get out of my house! I'm not taking care of a stupid baby!" Virgil's head rang with the sound of his boyfriend's yells. He hadnt meant for this to happen. He'd been on the pill, there was hardly a time when he wasn't. Erin had promised to keep him safe, he'd promised that nothing was going to break them apart. Yet here he was with fury in his eyes, holding a stick with two lines on it.

"Erin you promised! You said you werent going to leave!" Tears were pouring from Virgil's eyes, his chest was tight, he could barely see straight.

"I never promised anything for a baby!." And then Virgil was on the sidewalk, leaning against the building with his head in his hands. He couldn't go back inside to get his things, that was for sure.

"I'm so sorry. . ." He whispered, holding a hand to his stomach. They were supposed to be a family, they were supposed to be happy together. He was only twenty, he couldnt take care of a baby.

Virgil waited for himself to calm down, staring up at the sky in the hopes that no one would look at him.

When he finally calmed down he made his way to the nearest hotel he could find, he supposed it was lucky he'd always remembered his friend's advice of keeping the large bills in bras, Erin had always hated looking at those. Virgil pulled out a few before walking inside, covering up with his hoodie so it didnt look strange.

"How many nights can this cover?" Virgil said to the woman at the desk, placing a few twenties on the counter. He bit his lip, not really expecting an answer.

The woman looked him up and down, a sympathetic look in her pale green eyes.

"Stay as long as you need sweetheart, I'll cover it for you," Virgil let out a sigh of relief, he felt like he was about to start crying.

"Thank you thank you thank you-" he stopped himself from adding anymore thank yous at the last minute.

"Do you need anything special in particular?" Asked the woman, Virgil scanned for her name tag, Mrs. Evans.

"I uh-" he paused, shuffling his feet. He wasnt sure this would count as special arrangements or get him turned away. Subconsciously he pulled his hoodie further over his stomach.

Mrs. Evans' eyes widened, a look of realization dawning on her face. She ducked under the counter and thrust a key into his hands.

"Here you go, room 13, and dont you worry about meals or anything, it's all free," she pushed a few magazines toward him, a quick scan of the covers showed him a few job opportunities. Virgil merely nodded, scooping up the magazines and rushing off to the room, he heard Mrs. Evan's making a call in the distance, she sounded worried, he felt a twinge of guilt in his chest.

The room was larger than he'd expected for only having one bed. There was a tv, multiple appliances, including a coffee machine, and of course, a bathroom. Virgil sat down in the couch at the corner of the room, opening the blinds slightly before holding his hands to his face.

"Oh gods what am I going to do for clothes? I cant go looking for jobs yet! I wouldnt even be able to stay that long!" He didnt really know who he was talking to, there was no one else in the room.

He got an answer to his question a few days later when what seemed to be a trash bag full of clothing showed up on his doorstep. He picked up the card attached to it, but all that was there was the image of a heart bursting into flames, with a crown around its middle. Virgil shrugged and dragged the clothes into the room. It was mostly hoodies and overly large t-shirts, but there were a few outfits in an appropriate size as well. He set to work on hanging them all up, ignoring the pain in his stomach.

The real problem started a few months later. He'd been laying on his bed watching the tv and flipping through a magazine when he felt it, the baby was coming.

He didn't think he'd have time to get to the hospital, but he remembered an offer Mrs. Evan's, or Cassira as he knew her now, had made a few days after he'd gotten there. He buzzed the front desk quickly and in a matter of minutes, there she was.

Virgil didnt remember much else, if he was being honest with himself he'd probably passed out. When he opened his eyes he was laying in the bath tub, a mess of towels and a pair of underwear and sweatpants discarded on the floor. He blinked a few times, and then he heard crying.

"Shhh, shhh, it's ok little one,look, daddy's awake, its ok," Cassira was holding something swaddled in Virgil's hoodie, she passed it over to him and he held the small child in his arms.

"Its a girl," Cassira said, not putting much emphasis on the last word.

"Hi," Virigl said softly, looking at the mini version of himself swaddled in the jacket. She had the same soft face, and the same purple and green heterochromia, though her hair was a more jet black color, like Erin's. She smiled as she looked at Virgil, letting out a laugh somewhat like wind chimes.

"You let me know if you need anything," said Cassira. Virgil nodded and watched her leave.

He sat there for a while, watching the bundle in his arms with a fond smile on his face.

"I think we'll call you, Olivia," Virgil said, holding her close.

It took him a few minutes to finally get out of the tub, clean up, and redress himself, all the while keeping Olivia safe.

About six years had passed, Virgil was working full time at a retail job, the only thing he could get while he was working on a degree in Education. When he wasnt working or studying, all of his time went to Olivia. While they were still living at the hotel, Virgil had finally started earning enough to pay for her clothes and schooling and at least a few toys. He was looking into houses as well, he couldn't live in Room 13 for the rest of his life, even if it was free.

Virgil watched Olivia play with a rubik's cube he'd bought her as he wandered the aisles of the shopping center, uncomfortably aware of the people around him.

"Remus I'm just saying! It's not that bad of an idea!" Virgil stopped the cart just moments before a tall man with dark crimson hair and green eyes walked out in front of it.

"Hey! Watch where you're going!" Virgil growled.

The man stopped "Remus I'm gonna have to call you back," he said, hanging up the phone.

"Sorry about that," he said.

"And who is this little princess," the man turned his attention to Olivia, who was sticking her tongue out in concentration over the colorful block in her hands.

"'m Olivia," she said quietly, giggling.

"And we were just leaving," Virgil said, anxious to get out of the aisle. Whoever this man was, he didnt want to be near him for to long.

The man opened his mouth to speak, but Virgil was already pushing past him.

But that wasnt the last time he'd meet the man. The two started seeing each other at nearly every store, on the way to the movies, and eventually, at the hotel itself.

"Ok, can you just admit you're stalking me like some freak or are you just going to act all innocent every time we bump into each other," Virgil said, covering Olivia's ears.

"I'm not doing it on purpose!" Said the man, Virgil took a step back.

"Wait- I didnt mean-" the man paused for a second, looking at his hands.

"Look, I'm not intentionally trying to meet up with you, though you seem like a nice guy, my name is Roman Prince-Duke, I run a modeling agency with my brother," Roman said, tapping his fingers together.

"Oh?" Virgil raised an eyebrow slightly.

"I wasnt taking pictures of you! I mean I'd like to- but like as a job! Not in a creepy way!" Virgil's face went red. This seemed to catch Olivia's attention, as she finally stopped fumbling with his hoodie strings to look over at Roman.

"Daddy's gonna marry a prince," she whispered, causing the blush on Virgil's face to grow even further. Roman let out a small chuckle, covering his mouth.

"Ollie that's not how it works sweetie," Virgil said with a laugh.

"So how much would I be paid? What are the requirements?" Virgil asked.

"Fifty dollars per photo, and you get to make the decision on outfits used and pose adjustments," Roman said.

"Alright, I'll bite," Virgil said, if he was honest, he'd do anything to get out of his current job.

It was about a week before he could finally make the shift. He'd decided to bring Olivia with him to the building. It was large and ornate, posters of attractive men and women were smiling down at him. But it was different, the people in the photos were dancing, singing, they were acting like people. Virgil pushed the door open, snatching Olivia out just before she started spinning it in circles.

"Daddy look!" Olivia pointed upwards towards a fountain at the center of the room.

"I see it Ollie," Virgil said, smiling. He walked to the front desk, where a short man with light brown hair and round glasses was typing away at a computer.

Virgil was about to open his mouth before the boy looked up, and noticed Olivia.

"Oh my gosh look at you! Arent you just the cutest thing!" Olivia giggled as the man ruffled her hair.

"You must be Virgil then? Roman's been absolutely raving about you," said the man.

"Did I hear my name Patton?" Roman said as he walked into the room, and then he noticed Virgil.

"Virgil! Lovely!" He clasped his hands together.

"Come with me, Patton can take care of Olivia while we're at our meeting," Roman said. Virgil stood there for a few seconds, looking between Patton and Olivia before finally letting go of her hand. She rushed behind the desk and stood on her tiptoes to stare at the computer.

Roman's office was covered in decorations of mythical creatures and outfit designs. In the center es a desk with two large and comfy looking chairs in front and behind it. Virgil sat down in the one in front, watching as Roman made his way to the opposite one.

"So, first things, you seem to be more into comfort yes? Overly large sweaters, t-shirts, sweatpants, that kind of thing?" Virgil nodded.

"Anything you absolutely wont do? Any aversions to skirts? Dresses?" Roman continued.

"As long as it's not form fitting and you cant see anything on my chest or below my waist I dont care," Virgil replied. Roman nodded and wrote something down.

Virgil had been at the job for about two months when he noticed the changes. He'd already known that he thought Roman was hot, but now Roman seemed to want to be around him more as well.

They went out for ice cream after photo shoots, Roman came with Virgil to pick out a new house, if Virgil needed a break Roman would let Patton watch Olivia so they two of them could have spa days.

Virgil had been suppressing it for a while, he didnt want to believe he was falling in love again, or that a boy was falling in love with him. He was afraid, afraid Roman would become the new Erin. But fate seemed to have other plans.

They were relaxing in a hot tub, Virgil's back pressed up against one of the jets, head resting on the outer rim.

"Virgil, I've been planning on this for a while, and I think now might be the best time to tell you," Roman spoke softly, but Virgil could still feel his limbs tense.

"You can say no if you want, I wont mind, but I think- I think I want to go on a date with you, like an official one," Virgil looked up, clutching the edge of the 'seat'.

"Well- I uh- I mean you're very nice but I-" Virgil could feel tears forming in his eyes.

"Oh no no Virgil- dont cry- I understand, you dont have to, we can just be friends," Roman pushed Virgil's hair out of his face, worried evident in his eyes.

"I-I do want to be more than friends- but I-" Roman's eyes widened suddenly, his hand instinctively moving to Virgil's side, his thumb brushing against Virgil's stomach.

"I wont, I swear, you have my permission to chuck me off a building if I do," Roman said, earning a laugh from Virgil.

Virgil wrapped his arms around Roman's neck, pressing their foreheads together and smiling.

"Then yes, I will date you," and Roman pulled Virgil into a kiss that would only be rivaled by the one they shared ten years later, with Olivia by Virgil's side, and her girlfriend by Roman's, as Virgil finally realized he'd found the man who would keep him and his daughter safe for as long as the family lived.

----------------------------------------------

Tag list:

@nerosdayinhell

@meowthefluffy

@youtuberswithalex

@thecolorfulolive

@frog-candy-bee

@spooky-scary-virgil

@boobmaster69

@melodiread

@thefivecalls

[northernbubble]

Thoughts on E2

No one fucking called Dany on her talking about the murder of the Mad King while sitting on the seat of House Stark....the seat that belonged to Rickard Stark, that would have belonged to Brandon Stark..... brutally murdered by said Mad King but okay fine whatever.

Tyrion deserves better than this, public ridicule not the best way to go.

As much as I wish the Dany and Sansa were having legitimate girl time, I am convinced we just saw season 2 and 3 Sansa make a return with some extra special charm skills added to the mix that she learned from Margery. I'm sorry but the whole "I should have said thank you" comment was in the same tone that she spoke to Joffrey!

Sandor Clegane died in season 4. I guess literally nothing that happened before Septon Ray matters to his story line anymore, even though those were the scenes that made people like the Hound to begin with. Arya hardly even matters? His new best friend is Beric fucking Dondarion? He hasnt even shared a scene with Sansa or Tyrion? That being said, he is 100% surviving episode 3 because I'm now entirely convinced he is only here for Clegane Bowl. RIP Sansan, atleast you're canon to Martin.

Gendry is absolutely dying in the next episode because as much as I have been gunning for them to get together.... they had 2 short conversations before banging and before that the last time they had seen eachother she was 9. So like. They didnt build the sexual tension at all, and I wish we had the whole season to watch their new adult relationship blossom before jumping the gun like that, but since we didnt I'm guessing it's cause they had to bang before he died.

Please dont ship Theonsa. Can there be one emotional familial relationship on this show that you guys dont scream romance over. They need eachother for emotional support and he has spoken several times about how his family was the Starks. He wants to go home to his family. I.E. Ned, Robb, Bran, and his sweet little sister Sansa whom can give him comfort and her in return.

Hell yes for brienne the knight, but high key wish she got a title. Like the knight of flowers or the sword of morning. Maybe something to do with oathkeeping.

I really didnt like the awkward inserting of modern views of racial/xenophobic tension between Missenei and the Northerners. Not saying it couldn't exist for real in the north, but I really think that to truly discuss xenophobia and a dislike of people who look different than you, the conversation needs to happen when these new people arent coming in the form of a foreign occupying army. Like, we all know they are fighting on the same side against the Night King, but we also know for a fact that the North doesnt want Dany as queen and is hella freaked out by her army and dragons being so close. So like.... the children are probably gonna be uncomfortable around all these foreign people with strange accents and strange clothes, who have weapons they've never seen before and serve a woman their parents dont like who has dragons and is related to the mad king who 20 years ago killed their liege lord.... not saying the north are perfect and above racism, but I dont feel like the situation they are presenting is the one that gives an honest discussion about race or xenophobia. Like we arent talking about immigrants, which I think legitimately would not be well welcomed in the north given Ned's commentary about Syrio, but in these scenes we are talking about a foreign army which makes perfect sense to freak kids out. Idk, it just seemed sloppily inserted

Jon being like, "I know this is a lot to take in, but I'm your nephew. I think we committed incest. Actually, I know we committed incest but I wanted to soften the blow a little. I want to die."

Dany, "did you say you're the heir?"

Jon, "do you have ears? we cOmMItTed INcEsT!"

[astownd]

So lets start off with in the ends it is all completely and utterly my own fault.I should have been able to see the signs. I should have been a better person, friend, fiance, man, and most importantly a dad.

Where do I even begin?

I felt like I worked so hard for my family I was creating in my own way, making money in my own way. Got a house with the beautiful mother of my little boy, things were good for awhile, than rough, than covid, than bad. But before that we lived in an apartment, and the things i was doing and the substances (alcohol and adderal) were my coping mech. I would stay up for days, not eat, constantly trying to make every dollar I could to make sure we had a place to live freely. ( we both grew up in not so good broken homes). She made little mistakes one that completely don’t matter and are way overlooked, love her with all my heart. 

but the drugs and alcohol started getting to me, i became irritable constantly, never wanted to leave, hated everyone. I was always mad, always needed my way. Than I cheated once and thank god that she took me back even after that. Honestly she did a ton and most of all the work. She is one of the most dedicated and hard working woman/mothers I have ever come acrossed. She never stops making sure our son has everything he needs plus more, working constant hours at terrible jobs, sometimes with terrible people. I didnt see the stress it was putting on her, the constant cries for just down time for herself, or her need to want to go out and do things. I held her inside and caged away. ( not literally lol) I really should have been showing her off and paying for her countless nights to go out and have fun with her friends because honestly she fucking deserves and deserved it. I couldn’t be any happier that, that woman is the mother to OUR beautiful little boy. After my first few mistakes I just started tumbling downhill. Never stopped making them. I am so fucking sorry and truly dislike the person i became over all of it. After all that we had our son, and we put down a down payment on a home. We moved in things were good for awhile, than rough because of my laziness and lack of will to do anything ever. It was a mixture of that but also a mix of me actually being comfortable where I was at for once in my life. I finally had a place I could call a home, I FINALLY HAD A REAL family I could call my own. So i just got more lazy, I just began to lackadiscally relax all the time and do nothing, didn’t help unpack, barely got stuff done around the house. The stress built on her alot, and I saw it. She wanted me to get a job, a real job. So I would be a man. And I agree with her, I was not a man, and honestly probably still not, but I am trying to be for our son. I wish her too but I know I lost that part of me. She would come home and just want to relax, but would have to cook and take care of our son. She needed time alone but also out, and I never gave her either. Im so dumb for alot of things, but honestly losing her has to be by far the dumbest thing I could have done besides trying to take my own life after the fact. I wish we could have fixed it, I wish we could have communicated better. We both have mental issues, more me than her by far, and hers were probably caused by me in the end. But we got super bad right around christmas time, real bad, i was basically staying upstairs in my gaming room, my clothes were in the dressers anymore, they were up there. But like two weeks prior of one of the worst days of my life, things started to seem almost better. We were getting along again, I was seeing a smile in her face that I haven’t seen in so long. I feel so deeply, and honestly from the start of our relationship/ friendship her smile has always been my most fav thing about her. She even came an said to me “ why don’t you put your clothes back in the dresser, you have a family here, and we love you” because we got into an agruement over me being constantly needy and clingy. I was begging for her attentions for months but I didnt realize she didnt want to give it to me because I wasnt a man but I also was just ruining her along the way.  So that night I didn’t move my clothes becasue it was late, but I got off the couch went downstairs and got into bed with my beautiful family. A week or two passes. I could tell she was being a little off. and at night one night she looks over to our son while were all in bed together and says I think daddy and I are better just as friends. Right away I teared up and began to cry because im so broken down at this point but purely because of my own causes. She says to me “ what you dont like the sounds of beings just friends” I said no, I love you, and so much more. She didn’t want to hear it, she didnt want to give me an ultimatum, or tell me what I had to work on. But she was in the complete right by far. So I eventually get quiet roll over and fall asleep crying. the next early morning I wake up to her flustered trying to pee. Our son wakes up so easily, so immediatley he gets up and follows her to the bathroom, its probably 630 am so Im dead asleep. I wake up and go right to the bathroom and she yells at me because she can’t go pee alone ever. In no mean tone or nothing I just said baby wake me up and Ill grab him for you anytime, and immediatley it started a fight because of the lurking thing from the night before. She said that we were toxic, that if we continued to be together now and longer that we couldn’t fix it and that we would always stay toxic. Clearly I didnt agree with that, begged and pleaded. It turned into the most heated agruement I have probably ever been in with some I have loved. I regret everything rotten and mean thing I said in my angry judgement. I didn’t mean any of it. I love every part of that woman, still even after all the things that have happened. and that she has maybe or maybe not done. But I was kicked out that day with nothing but my computer, xbox, wallet, monitor, and a handful of clothes. That is the day I LOST EVERYTHING my entire world. My entire dream, everything I began to strive but also wanted in my life. A home, a family, a beautiful wife, mother, and children. I went into a complete and utter psychotic break and was nuts. still am. I made her life hell, I scared her, I threatened her with taking our son away from her. So many things I did not mean but I would never do. Our son needs both of us, but most imnportantly he needs his mother. She worked and works so hard for him day in and day out and takes such good care of him. Sorry I needed to let it out somewhere, everyone near just says go fuck someone go do this. BUT NONE OF THAT is going to make me feel better, none of that is going to bring back my family, none of that is going to even help progress, if anything it would make things worse. So I sit and I remain forever loyal to who I would love to call my fiance still.  But where I wanted to get at is WHAT the actual FUCK do you do when you lose EVERYTHING.She was my bestfriend, my everything, honestly probably the only reason geniune person I had in my life for a really long time so It was even worse, I had noone to turn to. No where to go. Noone wanted me . Noone wants me. I was just angry bringing everyone down around me after. Constantly drinking and just being stupid. Im really trying to get a better handle on things now though for my son. What kills me the most is before we had Wesser bean, she got preg before and had a miscarrage. Which kills both of us mentally, but more her than anything. That is her body, and that beautiful child was growing inside of her. We weren’t going to try again for the sake of our sanities after that. But on some of our long talking nights with one another we agreed that we wanted to try again, we wanted a family. But we promised to each other that we would never NO matter what let our children grow up like we did. In a broken home, a broken family. I want my son to be able to wake up next to his mother and father every living day and be able to enjoy all his little ups and downs. But I ruined that. I caused everything, I am the reason I lost everything. I am still so utterly confused and dont know where to go or what to do. My mind is always worrying about those two because they arent in arms reach and I cant be there quick enough. I still worry about her a ton even though everyone tells me I shouldn’t but that was my best freaking friend from almost the instant she curved me the first time. Thats the woman I loved, the woman I wanted to marry, the one I called fiance, but most importantly the mother to our child. So I will never stop worrying, or caring about it. I wish I had anyone, anyone that wouldn’t just push me off, or just give me some petty advice to go do some petty stuff like its going to slap her in the face? No becauses it not, she doesn’t love the piece of poop I am, nothing is going to slap her beautiful face. I would give anything to go back, fix some mistake, and be a man for them. Honestly I over think, thats my biggest issue. I love this girl to death, and I know im not adequate and she hasn’t had time to have fun or do the things she wanted too. But no matter what she has done, said, did, or didn’t do I would probably still take it like a grain of salt and do anything to immediately be back in her home, what I used to call home with them. To be a man, to be better. To be a dad. To be everything. Her and my son are my only lights, without them I just see darkness and it consumes me and just makes me want to do nothing, but it should burn a fire in me. I want them near by, cheering me on, but also helping me steer back onto the right path when im going astray. Its been three months now since I have been home, Since I have been able to sleep next to my son and wake up to his little smiling face. To be able to feel the warmth and hear my best friends voice on a daily basis. Shit three months since I have even slept on a mattress. about 2 months ago I took a estimated count of 32-45 pills of multiple different varieties. From pain killers, to adderal, to anti depressants, and sleeping pills. All one big mix. Got stupid drunk on top of it and tried taking my own life. I went to go lay down finally about an hour after I finished all the pills because I didnt feel well. The second my head hit the pillow I started throwing up really bad. I could not stop, I could not breathe. And the whole time All I could see Is my sons face. crying. not knowing where I went, What happened. Or why I was such a coward I would do that. about 5 minutes into me hurling I started to really not be able to breathe, I almost couldn’t choke the words out from the back of the trailer, I screamed as hard as I could from an ambulance. My mom came running in and looked at me and asked seriously If i needed it or not. I looked back and told her I would die if she didn’t. She called, I ended up waking up 3-6 hours later in a hospital bed completely and utterly confused but so fucking ashamed. They had a therapist or someone in there waiting for me to wake up, I guess I said somethings in my delusions of substance. But about after 15 minutes of talking to him and him seeing my sit. He looked at me told me they pumped my stom, and that If I didnt make that call My son wouldn’t have a father. Hearing him say that still kills me. I messed up big that time. they released me within 25 minutes of waking me up. no shoes, no shirts, puke covered pants, no cell phone at 630 am. What a wonderful hospital right? Try to take my life and they save it, but let me go just like I was nothing. I got to a near by store called for a ride and waited. Showed up home at my moms more ashamed and more sad because of yet another terrible choice I made. Tonight is the first night aubs have let me have our son alone for a time period. And for a solid 15 minutes I Couldn’t stop but also wanting to apologize so much to my son. He just came up to me gave me a big wesser hug, layed on me, and let me sing to him for 30 mins just like mummy used to do so he could fall asleep.  I never felt a love like I do for my boy, loving a human like aubrey is wonderful and beyond one of a kind, but loving your child and their love back is something words alone cannot describe. I can’t ever be so sorry that I ever tried that, that I ever would do that to my son. He deserves so much better. I am slowly trying tho too. Not alot of people know because noone cares and I just want to be alone but I scraped together the last remainder of any cash or any value I had left and got 4k. Didn’t sell our wedding ring or anything for that money. (its worth is 4.2-5.5k) I be holding onto that thing like its my life, I constantly catch myself grabbing it and wearing it still like a loser lol.Went and looked at a little trailer today, needs gutted almost, decent amount of work. Guy was asking 4k. with the work it needed I went balls deep said 2, he hit me with 2.5k If the mobile home park accepts my background check hopefully Ill finally have a little place I can lay my head. Its been a rough three months, homeless I would say, couch hopping, place to place. I am done now. I am fed up with myself but with everyone and everything around me. I need to be better for my son, so this is my start and my little way I guess. I have been applying countless places, All I want to do is dive all my time into some form of work/ works and be alone unless my son ( his mother included one could wish) is the company. My bills would be utterly dumb cheap. I just want to work and help her out to provide but keep the beautiful home she chose for her future family. I want to be able to make sure I can reassure her she won’t lose that roof, or that she can go out and eat, or wes can have that toy. She works to damn hard to lose it. It was like a movie too, third house on the realtors listings. We walk through the front door threshold, immediate second she turned around with the smile I fell inlove with and said this is the one. AND BY god when this woman says she wants something or is going to do something, she fucking does it, does it well, sticks it to ya, and does it kick. Immediately she got an offer in and she got her home. I’ll never be able to fix the mistakes and wrongs I did. Never be able to give back all the time and tears and heartache I caused her and her family countless times. But I want to be able to be part of my sons life, to atleast try to atone for the terrible things I did. I want 0 pity by the way. This was soley for me. For me to let stuff out. I will forever love aub snuffalfugus. and of course our beautiful boy Wesley. I would do anything, give anything, forgive and forget anything this second to see her walking up to me holding our little man and say “does daddy wanna come home” or “ dad come home” or “ i think its time dad comes home”. I understand I never will get that chance and by far I never will get that chance. I understand I did this, I created this, and I am the one to blame. I pray to god every night that maybe right now just wasn’t the exact time or what we needed. That he will lead our path back together one day. I see glimmers of hope in dumb things, but thats my over thinking. I love that freaking beautiful furrowed browed woman and our son so much. and with me being gone, I can’t tell if shes struggling, I can’t tell if she cares, I can’t tell if she thinks about us, our old family, or the things that happened. She has such a good poker face, shes so good at holding things in. But she has been glowing, has been looking more beautiful than ever with her hair all curly and down. She is constantly in her phone texting and smiling, and when I say that I in no form care who or about what, I care that the fact that the smile is there and its the real one. She seems happier, healthier, and more together than ever and I hope that its not a front, not that it matters because shes a strong ass mom and she kicked thru it. I love seeing her happy. I love seeing her look good. i absolutely adore the fucking smile. I am trying to come to terms that maybe I wasn’t the right one, That I couldn’t make her happy, but I was placed there to get her through a time , but also for her to have our beautiful son. Now that he has come, she has seen that I wasn’t much of really anything, so she bettered herself. But even if shes not with me, as long as she is safe, our son is safe, they have a warm roof above their heads, and full tummies than I can’t complain. That is what im striving for. To just be able to simplify their lifes but to see her smile again, and I have been seeing it and she rockkkkk that shit. Everytime I see her I get into my feelings, but tonight hit me for some reason. Tonight really had/has me thinking. Forever stay our beautiful little chunk Wesser. I love you both. 

ok done word vommiting, think im ready to cry if off in the shower lmao. 

[weeb-overlord]

Poly is hard.

Speaking as someone who hated and was scared of polyamory my entire life until almost 7 months ago, it is hard. i’m sure it’s hard for everyone. 

Poly means that there is no One True love like we were all raised to believe. it is a belief that multiple people can love the many facets of us and therefore we are loved entirely. while someone could love the way i can go off and talk about something for two hours straight, someone else could dislike it but love how i cry at absolutely everything and find it beautiful. and i can have both. but it is still hard.

it’s amazing waking up to an entire phone full of texts from my chosen family, and it is amazing not having enough time to reply to them all before another pops up. I love that. but it is hard waking up and the first thought is that “i will never be someone’s only, someone will never be my everything.” i think the hardest part about poly is accepting that you might not need that as much as you thought you did afterall.

it is difficult being with a man who has two other partners as well. It’s difficult spending a weekend with them and being the one who actually is not bothered when the other two get attention, but they are bothered when i do get attention. it’s like they have this calculator in their head that adds up who gets the most time with him and “Is It Fair?” but i cant imagine thinking that way. if she needs him more than i do right then I refuse to take what she needs away. and i refuse to be upset after. but, just like I am adjusting in my own way, so are they. 

this weekend was very enjoyable but very difficult. the more time you spend with someone the more shit comes with it. on Saturday night I was able to have a nice time with him for a little, but one of his other partners felt “left out” and she complained about sitting there all by herself while I got time with him. she always does this, whether it’s me or his wife, she always complains about not having enough time with him.

i was in a slightly altered state of mind when she said this and i was extremely emotional and then she commented on the lack of connection between me and him during our impact scene and i got mad. really really mad. and i had already been crying because thats what i do. but i just asked for the key to the room but he wouldnt let me have it and said he was going with me.

i was livid the entire way up to the room. he had me hold his drink because it was cold and i needed to feel it. i was talking all about it in the halls and in the elevator, i didnt fucking care. 

I cant even spend an hour with you without someone freaking out and being upset. Just because she doesn’t see a connection between us doesn’t mean there isnt one. Everyone reacts differently in their scene, everyone needs different things. How dare she accuse you of just beating me when that is what I need most and how I connect to you best. “She feels left out.” he said. I laughed in the elevator. I can’t imagine what that feels like, to feel left out. I only live 4 hours away from you and never get to hear your voice or feel your touch. She lives in the same town as you, she sees you every other night. I see you once a month, and this next time I’ll be going six weeks without you. She gets to spend nights with you, whole nights. I would kill for just one with you.  I want my time with you and then she can have you back. 

He did not say anything back, he doesn’t do that. he listens.

I was saying all of this while ripping my shoes off my feet and tearing the clothes off my body (per his request) and sobbing in the room, and i was still in sub space. i laid everything in my head out for him for the first time ever, and he was not mad. I apologized for being angry, for ugly crying, for throwing a fit over and over again. he said that it wasn’t even a fit and he was not angry in the slightest. he wanted me to speak my mind, and he didn’t shy away from me like most people do when i get passionate. he kissed me until I stopped crying, because sometimes thats what you need. like i said, poly is hard. but it is irreplacable too.

She got four times the amount of time with him that I did after that. and I wasn’t mad. i am always grateful of the time i get with him and then i am grateful of the time I spend away from him meeting new people, experiencing new things, talking about the way we work and how we live. I am grateful that he is mentally strong enough and capable of having all three of us, although i’m sure it would be different if we were in the same city. I think if we all spend a little too much time together things can get fucked, which brings me to the next day.

my Sunday mornings with them are always fun. we had a good weekend, we got to see our friends, we got to spend time with one another. I always am up before them on sunday’s ready to help with whatever they need, because i enjoy serving. This sunday started off good. I ate breakfast with the clan we were visiting, got to say hello to everyone before heading back up to the room. it was wonderful. he was in a bed with his wife, and i cuddled back up next to his other partner in the other bed and i wasn’t mad at her at all anymore. When we woke up i helped pack up everything and i took a load down to the car with him, and he had a hand in my hair as we waited patiently for a man in the elevator to leave just so we could get our hands on each other for one more floor. it was that kind of morning. a good one.

However.

things happen and it changes shit dramatically.

Im never going to be a parent but I do know a parent code. Never judge another mom and never critique another mom. im sure when we returned to the hotel room both his other girls were annoyed that i got time with him, even if it was 5 minutes. it sucks. but i wouldnt let it bother me.

His partner makes a comment about his wife’s parenting and what she feeds her children or something she really didn’t have to comment on and then day turns into Jerry Springer.

It seems that the theme for this weekend, her theme was “saying whatever I want to people and expecting no consequences” which is what caused all of the drama. I rode down the elevator with his wife. “I know she wasn’t supposed to say that. mom’s arent supposed to judge other moms.” she was glad I understood. she was trying her best, we all try our best. She was still mad though. I actually got to see him and his wife argue, something I’ve never seen before. but again, he doesn’t argue. he deescalates. and it was out in the god damn parking lot too. she left to go get her stuff and it was just me and him. and he hugged me for a very long time and when I asked him what he needed he said love, and i hugged him tighter. The top of my head doesn’t even reach his chin. but I hugged him tighter. i made him laugh when i said I looked forward to not being a mom.

poly is hard, but it is immensely rewarding.

I left early to grab us a table at IHop. They needed to talk.  When they arrived I could tell they DEFINITELY talked. He needed time alone, which I am not surprised considering he was with three girls, two of which are trying to make this life an episode of desperate housewives. i ate with the two woman i consider my sisters, discussing the difference between margerine and butter, talking about my upcoming semester. They were pretending to get along because of me. Poly is sacrifice but it is also gain.

He was tired when he showed up. he looked upset. I have never ate at a more silent table. I invited them to my recital, i told them about someone else I’m talking to and her man that also is interested in me. I tried everything to make him perk up but nothing worked. and I lost my appetite. When we left I went to the bathroom with his girl while his wife went to the car. “In order for him to be happy, I have to be miserable.” She said to me on the way out of ihop. I was astounded. I told her that you can accept it or you can change it and she knew I was right. I don’t believe it to be fair that she thinks that way, that she puts that much pressure on him. i don’t understand how someone could feel that way. again, poly and just relationships in general are hard.  I said goodbye to him and I said that I was sorry he didn’t feel good.  I feel fine, just perplexed, is what he said. He didn’t feel good and he was dropping, it was obvious. But I stay out of shit and don’t go too deep with them, it’s not my place. I loved on both of my sisters and I saw him and his unmarried partner walking away to go talk. and I cried 30 minutes out of the city and texted him saying I made it worse.

I did not make it worse is what he said. I’ve been checking in with them constantly ever since. If something falls apart I need to know. but he is over at her house tonight, so I’m assuming they are working it out.

Poly is hard. It is hard not being someone’s center of attention at all times, but you grow to love your time with them even more because of it. It’s hard watching your chosen family fight, which is strange for me because I’m the one that eats a snack and watches the drama between my friends. but if my family is upset then so am I, because I’m an extension of them. 

It’s hard. But I refuse to give it up. ever.

[lifestoryparty]

When I finally wrote this

been watching heroes for a bit, this ep was a bit to intense, haha. it was sad. anyways, i finally might get to writing more of my life story. I havent ever written about this part of my life, and honestly the only thing ive got left anymore might be old messages and a poem I wrote a long time ago to do with this period, thats it. Maybe I didnt write about it because to write about it was to let it go, to write about it was to accept things for what it was, maybe I was afraid shed see it, I honestly cant remember because I know for a long time after I did everything I humanly could to forget because remembering hurt far to much. The day me and Moo Moo broke up I didnt honestly believe it was over, we always made up and made it work, she was loyal and mine and we pushed through everything together. I believed she would never leave. I literally believed that she wouldnt ever go, she’d always be there. That was during a time that I had really never been hurt to that extreme before, I actually trusted her with all my heart, and I mean with everything, she was a good person, she had been through so much already, dealt with me at my worst, dealt with all the craziness like with drake and meds and crying in the shower, attempted suicide, she knew me in and out more than anyone really did at that time. I dont know if i was friends friends with tompkins or not yet but even he didnt know me like that. So yeah i didnt believe it when she said it. well the next day came around and there was no messages saying she wanted me back or was sorry, there wasnt anything. so I messaged her and she said it was really over. so I started to panic a little and was like no, I need you, I love you, and I really really started to realize it recently what you really meant to me, I wanted to do a special thing for you on valentines day, etc. but she completely wouldnt take it. She gave me the reasons she gave on that last blog i sent, and I said I could change and Id do anything for her but she said it was to late. well finally I asked if it was lucas, and she admitted it was, she admitted to hanging out with him and just talking to him for hrs in his dorm room. she said nothing happened, but she felt things with him she hadnt felt with me in a really long time. She felt like they connected and he deserved a chance. I was upset, I felt like i’d been the one with her all this time, why does he deserve a chance? dont I get a chance to prove I can change? she didnt even give me that, she just let me go…Well from there, it was back and forth for a while trying to beg for her back, but she wouldnt allow it. I would go in to our public speaking class and stare at her, sorta small talk, but not really saying anything. it freaked me out, scared me. How we could have been so close to nothing at all. She still wore my promise ring every day and it confused me. The pain in me started growing worse and worse and I was starting to lose it. I started having panic attacks off and on, i’d lie in my bed in the dark listening to dark depressing music, or music that reminded me of her. I’d scream in to the blankets, punch the walls, cry, I would curse at god for letting it happen, i’d beg him to let me have her back but nothing changed. My dad tried to explain what I was going to go through and what i’d have to do. He tried to get me to promise not to do anything drastic but he couldnt have prepared me in the least to how I was going to feel. Every day that i’d wake up i’d be completely numb, it was just pain to the point of losing my mind. Every day felt like a blur, I always had goosebumps, i’d replay every moment that I could remember in my head over and over. I couldnt see the world around me, it was all slow motion and so very cold. I could barely do school. I wasnt there in my head. my grades started dropping, I was failing math, but I didnt care about anything, she was all I had keeping me going through what was already hell, she was my strength through the court stuff with drake and what it caused, and now I felt like I had no one. When it came to my class with her I wouldnt do any of the presentations in front of the class, i did them in front of my teacher for a lesser grade. I couldnt face her anymore, I loved her still even through the pain, I couldnt stop, I couldnt let it go. My mom would try to talk to me and get me out but mostly I just stayed home and dwelled in it. The darkness in my heart only grew as i layed in my room listening to music as I would be in and out of a dream state as I replayed the memories. I couldnt tell much from reality anymore, as far as I knew I was already in hell. I thought from time to time about how I could go find this guy and hurt him. I thought about cutting his face and making him ugly. I thought about beating him down with a bat. I was seriously going crazy and I didnt care anymore. Sometimes I wanted revenge on her, I wanted her to hurt just as much as me. I wanted to do things to her so she couldnt pain anymore, so she couldnt do what she loved. but I knew i shouldnt do any of these things and that I was just severely broken after already going through so much. I had no one to really go to, it was just me falling apart in my head. I thought about suicide so many times. I didnt see what the point of living was anymore. Her friend that I flirted with, well she started asking about everything and I would talk to her about how I felt, and shes sort of the reason I wrote out my life story. It helped get some of the pain out. The few things I wrote to do with after the relationship were these things: Me and the girl I was with for two years have finally broken up much to my dismay, it came expectedly but in a I didn’t believe it till it happened way. First year I feel like for some people isn’t to bad, everythings fresh and new, kind of learning experience, but after some time, that kind of dies down, you have to kind of work at it in whats best for the both of you. Temptations will come your way, its to be expected, sometimes you just lose the feeling, or just plain boredom. Dont make the mistake of falling in to temptation, especially if you care for who you are with, it does nothing but hurt the both of you in the end. taking antidepressants can either hurt or hinder your relationship in different ways, it can either help or hurt you when trying to have sex, it can make your personality change for the worse, or make you feel nothing for your partner. Just depends on how your body accepts it. I fell in to temptation but chose her in the end and dealt with personal pain for 3 monthes. Meds didnt work out for me, but prozac was amazing for sex. I dealt with trouble trying to get used to being off the meds and figuring out what I want. It was a big issue for a while and by the time I really knew what I wanted it was too late. Which I learned that even good people can lie and hurt you. I learned many small things and know what to look for in the future if it ever came to it, but I learned to love and accept someone for who they were despite the flaws and not a total click in personality. I was actually going to propose after feeling this, cause I loved before, but this was something different, its like I let go of my self completely and it was just a constant flow of happy and love and want to do anything and change if need be, it was the most extreme feeling ever, it was like how i felt the first year, but, way deeper and meaningful, like i knew for sure this is who I wanted to be with. Next thing of course is if you ever see your partner acting a little strange, find out why as soon as possible. One of the worst feelings though is heartbreak. For me, it seems to have changed me in a way, It forced me to grow up and change and to not expect things to always work out, which even now I continue to do so because I havent accepted things for what they are. Knowing friends I know love can destroy people and wreck their lives, but for others its a fresh start, a new beginning, or just a learning experience. Sometimes you need to let go of that certain someone to let them figure out what they want, it may or may not work out for you in the end, but sticking together wont make things better in all cases. I personally hurt like hell at a constant rate and it comes and goes, i’m trying to be supportive, but it hurts knowing where my heart is and the hope of her realizing that things arent always better on the other side of things..All I can do is wait and see what happens but on the other end of things I’ll have to keep on the look out of other people, but I dont believe that things will ever be like it was with her… so I wear your clothes when I miss you the most everywhere I go I see your ghost, what should I do, what should I do? I was on cloud 9 till you let me fall now i’m just trying to put my feet on the ground, but your voice is the only sound. How can we be friends when your loving him? Don’t you feel like you committed the biggest sin? In the end, what should I do, what should I do? You’re still everything my heart desires, and every day my body feels like its on fire, The only thing that cools me down are the tears that fall from my face and to the ground. What should I do, what should I do when i’m missing you? I hope one day maybe you’ll see that i’m the one that you can believe, but right now thats all I can do is wait for you. Do you remember how it felt to want to kiss me at the park? Do you remember the first time you wanted to hold me close, do you remember those urges you held inside until one day I finally decided? Do you remember our first date and the kiss that followed? The sheetz run and talking with my mom before we let you go? Do you remember how it felt when everyone asked if were together, that we looked so good for each other? Do you remember the storys we used to share while I played with your hair? Do you remember the days at the park were we started to bond, one of our first pictures there was under the sun. Do you remember getting high and feeling so great, and all the damn pizza that we ate? Do you remember when you didnt know how to kiss, and I showed you how to do it just like this? Do you remember how we spent every day after school together, no matter what work we had or the weather? Do you remember how I could never decide which side I wanted to hold your hand and sit with you during movies? Do you remember when I asked if you were ok with this, before I put my hand in your shirt and felt your chest. Do you remember the heat of your face when repeatedly you had my lips to taste? Do you remember the first time we “touched” and we were so scared? I made sure that you knew that I cared. Do you remember prom and what I wanted it to be? it ended up perfect dont you see? Do you remember how we danced the night away, and the breaths in my chest seemed to never stay. Do you remember my eyes as you looked in to them, as we experienced the moment that I put myself in? Do you remember the feeling of things being more perfect than they’d ever been? Do you remember the sensation you felt that night, us being one while I was inside. Do you remember the weekends that i’d come around, even in the snow from my house to yours? Do you remember the passion that we shared, from the stairs to your bed, over and over again? Do you remember how happy you were and how you couldnt get enough, before we knew it, we were truly in love? I remember it all and will continue to, I will remember how you would say I luff you. I will remember how you would tell me to pick you up and hold, how I would kiss your face, almost every day. I will remember the hard times we pushed through, and the cold days i’d work to get a present for you. I remember the talks we’d have, and the scary moments we pulled together through. What I know is i’ll continue to miss and love you and thats one thing that is true, I know its true love cause I still want to be with you. I love you and I’m thinking about you constantly, i’m sorry I cant talk to much right now, but words cant touch what i’m going through. Trust me i’d do anything to be with you. 12:43am I didnt want anything with her friend, but I needed someone to get me through the pain. Tompkins and I started hanging out with more and more, and we’d go on all those long walks I told you about, well on those walks i’d tell him about my entire life, and I started talking to him about what I was going through, we got closer and closer over time and he started becoming my best friend. It still didnt wipe away the pain. I started smoking pot from my usual once a week to every single day. I’d go to my friendsansons  and smoke with my friends heavily. i’m talking 2 or more blunts a day. I just wanted to escape my hellish world, and since that next semester started I only took 2 classes instead of 5 because my depression was so heavy and bad I couldnt do more than that. well I had all this free time so i’d spent lots of time getting completely fucked up all the time. I just couldnt handle the pain.  Well I later decided to take shrooms, and it wasnt a high amount, so i just felt sorta confused coming up, and it hit me in waves and i just felt really high with a euphoria, but no visuals really. I tried acid and it was a low dose to, and i barely felt much, it just felt like every time id go in to a different room my mind would change, but it was wayyy weaker than stuff i’ve taken. I did dmt 2 more times and just partied a lot, i really just stopped caring about anything anymore, i’d pretty much given up on myself. I took all kinds of risks all the time, i just felt manic depressive, i had just run wild. I drove high, I went caving, I went on rides, I did all this stupid shit that could have killed me or sent me to jail. Nothing seemed to be changing to much other than Moo Moo and Lukas were official and they were only getting closer, it had been a few months now, closing in to summer, and the pain was still there, I still loved her and was also hating her at the same time. I dont know why I couldnt let go but even my mom noticed that I still couldnt. Well I had talked to a lot of girls but they were all horrible, and not to mention you sorta just compare everyone to that first love it felt like. finally dylans and smith, who were dating got their friend Crazy to come over. well, we started talking, but she was really weird. I couldnt quite feel attracted to her even though she was nice and filled my lonliness a bit. we made out and stuff but she would let me fool around with her, or even touch her back which was weird. finally i let her go cause i just didnt like her. well finally the summer came and i started talking to this redhead clark. I finally felt like i’d met a good girl and we went for coffee and talked for a while. I also started working at ollies finally, which was really hard cause i had to work night shift every night. it was pure labor and it was hell. I hated it so much and i never had a life, and i slept all day, worked all night, and got fucked up when I could to escape. over that summer I was mostly sober due to working and everything i had been trying to escape from for so long was just flooding back in, like i had barely been a month away from the break up. I’d go in to the bathroom having panic attacks and cry, i really thought i was going crazy. not only that but the stuff with drake would haunt me over and over. I know i had asked for help, but the only counselor i was able to see was a preacher and i wasnt opening up to them. The pure hell and pain I kept suffering no one should ever have felt, but i couldnt escape it, and i had grown so far used to getting fucked up off anything i could all the time. I kinda felt when i’d smoke i was more creative so I wrote more, I made a tumblr as an escape. It felt like my writing meant something and people liked it and followed it and commented on it. The more I stayed in this drug and pain world the more i distanced myself from reality and human interaction. I didnt feel like I knew how to talk to people anymore, I distrusted people because of her, and drake, and I hated to be around people. Well the girl Clark didnt want me so my heart was just hurt again. it seemed no one wanted to be with me no matter how many people I looked for love in. Me and big boobs were also becoming closer friends and she told me that her and lukas were apparently having sex now, which she told me she never would when they first were together. I felt sick, I felt like she had finally crossed the line of no return with me. As I drove home I wanted to throw up, I imagined them fucking each other, it hurt so much, i felt betrayed, like that was our thing that we shared together and she ruined the purity of what we shared. I wanted to run my car in to whatever i could, but I went home and cried myself to sleep. I felt no more love after that. just bitterness. So I got drunk and talked to an ex and drove to her house and fucked her. I didnt feel anything for her, i just fucked her and left. I didnt talk to her for a week, but she asked and I told her I cared for her as a friend but i didnt feel anything but i’d still do that with her, and she i feel like actually cared, but she was lonely to so she was ok with that, so I came by just one more time to do that. For some reason being she was the second person I had sex with it made me feel horribly guilty. In some sense I felt like I betrayed Moo Moo even though I was done with that in my head 12:58am I was told about having a court date in the future where i’d finally have to testify against drake about what he did to me, im sorta lost and confused on when all this happened so im piecing it together and how I feel like it was. I finally became friend with Ohl. well, over the summer we sorta both were going through the same painful feelings of a first love break up, for him it had been over a year and he was still going through it. for me it had been about 6 monthes. we connected on what that was like for us. we’d drink and share music and he’d play guitar, play games with me, play pokemon and smash bros. he started coming over a lot and staying the night. I had finally found someone who understood and I could connect with after so much hell. We started hiking all the time, we’d do crazy adventurous things, we camped once, he stole a bunch of cigs, we took ecstasy twice together, we drove drunk once, we’d go to hookah really fucked up a few times, we were a team who matched really well but probably were the worst things for each other in a sense, we both just didnt care cause of the pain we were in. Well, this is also another secret i really havent told anyone, but I had a 3 some with him an this lady who was married. we both had planned on it for a month and got high and finally did, it was really awkward, but a huge thrill. Finally we met jones, that girl u met at the art show whos dating james, well me and her started talking and hanging out at the college a lot, well, she sorta led me on some, and i got Ohl talking to her friend robin. we would go to guys and dolls which my god was redneck and ghetto trash central, and i almost got in a fight there. well we played pool and went out on the town a few times. We also smoked pot with the owner of guys and dolls. well one day we stayed the night at her house and stayed up all night, i drove so deleriously to school that i almost wrecked. well My bro started dating Hope. they had dated like 2 or 3 days, and my mom let her stay the night, well me and Ohl got really drunk and ate mcdonalds and tried to get people to come over, well they didnt, so we asked lauren and robin to come over. well they finally did, they only had a few shots and Jones took her clothes off and was walking around my house naked, well we took her downstairs cause my dad was coming home. my bro and Hope were upstairs just cuddling, and i had met her earlier, well Jones jumped on me and started taking my clothes off and wanted to have a 3 some, but then she was like i have to tell u something, i fucked some guy before i came over. well, that hurt, a lot, i really liked Jones and i had been getting close to her and it made me mad. well i finally just agreed to a 3some cause after that i wasnt going to talk to her anymore. well she got naked, but she wouldnt let me or Sanson fuck her, she made daniel go upstairs and so me and Sanson fingered her, well, she liked when i did it better and said she i was really good at it, derrik not so much, well she jerked us off and in the middle of it we could hear my dad come in. well Ohl and robin were naked on the couch, but my dad was so wasted he fell asleep upstairs. 1:04am Well robin and Ohl started fucking in my bathroom and she was moaning so obnoxiously and fakely loud we started laughing downstairs. My sister knocked on the door asking to use tha bathroom, and she knew they were fucking. well we all laughed about it later and we all fell asleep. after that i made Jones leave the next day and never talked to her again. i was really hurt and just so sick of girls. well me and ohl and my friend Christian hung out alot and got drunk at my house a lot and played games and all got close. after a while wound up talking to my ex Mexico and she was all like im done with this shitty guy blah blah, but then he found out i was trying to get back with her and made that stop, and then she just disappeared. well my brother and Hope had broke up so i asked if it was ok if i talked to her cause i was attracted to her and it didnt go anywhere with them and he said sure, so i started talking to her and we sorta clicked in some ways because she was wanting all the same things as me and we were both lonely and stuff. well. thats a story for another night I feel like i’ve left enough for you.

[drunkenvigors]

Those question things? Aha whoops.

mountain asks

moon: what is your astrological sign? TAURUS MOTHERFUCKERRR.

gingerbread: your moral alignment; yeah can we be real here? Dunno what that question is actually asking but let’s just say I think about spooning peoples eyeballs out, skinning, burning, & making cherry pie with ppls lungs when they’re being too much or straight up goddamn annoying.

birdseed: family or friends? Yiiiikes. LOADED QUESTION SOMETIMES THE FAMILY CAN BE DICKS BUT OTHER TIMES THEY ARENT SO ITS RLY AN ON & OFF KINDA THING.

sheets: your sexual orientation? Pansexual nigga. You can try to say it isn’t a real thing but personally, I believe it’s just liking/enjoying/falling for people for their souls. Doesn’t matter about what’s in the pants.

warm milk: when do you usually fall asleep? Well, it’s 1:30am at the moment so pretty late.

pot of honey: your gender identity; FLUID. & NOT THE GREEN & YELLOW FLUID IN YA PANTS WHORE.

snow: what is your favorite time of year and why? Mmmm, gunna have to say spring. That’s literally like the best time, not too cold not so hot you slip on the sweat under your own feet.

yarn: what are your most enjoyable hobbies? Oh wow, hobbies???????? Does smoking & doing impulsive shit to cope with hella underlying mental illnesses that I stopped taking my meds for count or nah.

bicycle: what are you talented at? Changing my mind about everything, being an actual walking contradiction.

folktale: what stories remind you of your childhood? Nightmare On Elm Street. Yummy.

woods: where do you feel at peace? In my room when everyone else is home as well (shit gets weird in the house when you’re alone), with the lamp on. Nothing else.

chicken feet: what is your emotional "flaw"? Not feeling enough at the correct times or feeling too much about things that don’t matter.

red cheeks: what makes you nervous? When people want to get to know me lmao nbs. I’m not that great. 😂

sunflower: what do you love and cherish? Memories that cannot be made anymore.

bells: what sounds are your favorite or calm you the most? Those slime video things are tits. Also rain on a window is pretty orgasmic.

turnip: what is a food you could eat everyday? Ew I don’t even want to eat everyday hahahah.

spit: do you get jealous easily? Not at allllll. Free spirit. Unless I think that I am truly not loved as much or that I’m not enough, but that’d take a lot of shitty things to have me believing hahaha.

mushroom: list unique things you like about yourself: YEAH ABOUT THAT, THERES NOT MUCH IF ANYTHING AT ALL LMAO.

cupboard: a good childhood memory: um going outside a lot.

eyebags: what do you think makes a person attractive? When they don’t complain allllllll the fuckin time. Like hell ya, I pick up on positive attitudes. If you’re the type to have a freak out over something SO insignificant, or if you’re weirdly fucking aggressive for no reason over shit that isn’t that serious then I’m probably never gunna touch you or see you in a good way. Just annoying asf. Or if you talk to me as if I’m dumb?? H A T E THAT SHIT BRUH. Or act like ya above me for some reason, you can sit right tf down. But if you don’t do that then don’t worry I’ll prob think ur hot.

fallen log: something you've gotten over that you never thought you would: Lol what. A 4 year relationship is the biggest thing I guess.

dagger: your worst fear: lmao ^ having a long relationship & having it end like that. My friends dying. Getting into another car accident. My mom being hurt. Mostly it.

whisper: do you have any secrets? Don’t we all tho lmao tf kind of question is that.

wild boar: which person do you feel closest to? Mum, dad, &Carly (my doggo but I vent to her & the cat a lot & when I cry on them they literally cuddle me as if they know I’m an upset piece of human shit).

sweet: what candies or cakes are you fond of? Food can suck a fat supple cock.

footprints: do you remember your past lives? I BE DRIVING TO MY HOUSE ASKING WHERE THE DESTINATION WAS 5 MINS LATER BC I FORGOT GTFO

fur: name an animal you feel connected to: KOALAS

vodka: do you drink? :)))) Ya used to drink too much, caused hella complications in my lower intestines so would rather smoke now. Feels less like death is creeping up on me.

sour cherry: an obscure tradition from your family? Lost too many family members the past 2 years so it doesn’t even matter anymore.. Hah.

pine needles: what is your favorite scent? Vanilla. Mmmmm, fuck me UP. That or really expensive smelling cologne, could make me fall asleep in minutes ngl.

heart-shaped: do you believe in love? are you in love? Yeah I do duuuuhh. Obv nigga😎

home: where do you dream of living? This is going to sound so stupid like I’m a weeaboo or some shit but Japan. Don’t roast me for that pls lmao.

spice: list your favorite herbs: 🍁 u already kno dat green kind

mud: something you're insecure about but trying to love: HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO GIVE A FUCK NOW COMPARED TO BEFORE ME & (not saying name things but the person I was in that long relationship with) BROKE UP.

tobacco: do you have any addictions?wow says it right there; TOBACCO LMAO. Netflix, weed, music, concerts, nice views, waffles with ice cream on top.

sock: how would you describe your clothing taste? All over the fucking place.

cuckoo clock: are you a morning, a noon, or an evening person? Hello my name is Tee & I literally have insomnia & stopped taking my medications by choice & regret everything. :)

wooden fence: a favorite memory: How things were before I was sent to live with other families because mine didn’t love me enough to keep me.