#cause this is basically taking that 'dont make your first game your dream game' advice and ignoring it

[littleaipom]

feels weird to look at the game i haven't worked on for half a year, being able to run it and "play" it for what it is, with no strong memory of the coding i put into it to make it happen

[laraplisetski]

Chishiya Request.

Request by @revolutionary-werewolf-ghosts-

my request is physically affectionate (with his gf) Chishiya, a lot of fluff, cuddling at night and/or spooning (who's the big spoon?) the reader stealing his hoodie sometimes, him being very protective of her (both from games and other creeps) and as a treat, mentions of him being a dominant top?

A/n: Thankyou for requesting this! It was very interesting to write and I had so much fun. This is one of my longer headcannons, so I hope you enjoy! Words: 1500

Tags: @revolutionary-werewolf-ghosts, @faith0518, @cheshirekitten87, @koreaweeb, @euphorianyx

Chishiya x female!reader.

oKay lOoK

Affectionate Chishiya is like my dream, imagine all the cuddles, the hand holding and also, would Chishiya be the biggest tease? Yes he would.

You guys would be standing one moment and then the next moment he would just start like nipping on your neck, and he just slides his hand around your waist to hold you in place as he just breaths your smell in and just basks in your presence.

Continuing on he would just be standing flush against you and you would just lean yourself on him. 

He might or might not have a boner.

But anywaysss.

Hand holding is a big between you two cause I dont think Chishiya would be big on pda.

Like he wouldn't hate it, but he would rather just be all affectionate in private.

Back to hand holding tho.

Chishiya’s most expressive when he's holding your hand, from that I mean that when he squeezes your hand he's either angry or he's comforting you.

One time you were supposed to go to a game with Niragi’s group.

From the first glance he would seem fine that you were in that group but from how tight he was holding your hand you knew he was going to have a word hatter later.

Also back hugsss!!! Chishiya would totally give you a back hug when you were feeling down.

Or if he saw someone too close to you he would come up to you and give you a back hug then too. 

You two would have a ritual before going to games as well.

Both of you would give the other a kiss on the cheek.

It reminded Chishiya of his mom, because she used to give him a kiss on the cheek whenever he used to leave the house.

I- why do i have to make everything so sad, btw i just made the mother story up, it's not canon.

You know when I said Chishiya likes to be affectionate in private this is what I meant.

Cuddles at night are like the most you're gonna get from Chishiya in a day.

Both of you are busy during the day so you don't get to see each other, so when it's night Chishiya just takes you in his arms and gives you a kiss on the forehead.

Both of you talk for a while and you tell him about your day and about how you and Kuina hung out and how your game went.

If you had a bad day he would listen to you and try to solve your problem or give you some advice.

But if you didn't want to talk he would just hold you and whisper how much he loves you and that he adores you so much that he doesn't like you being sad.

He would also definitely secure you in his arms when you're feeling down and keep playing with your hair and keep patting your head.

When Chishiya would have a bad day he would just hug you and just lay his head on your chest.

He would listen to your heart beats to calm himself down.

You would wrap your legs around him and have your arms wrapped around his shoulders.

He would definitely be the big spoon otherwise he likes keeping you close and in his arms.

It makes both of you feel safe when your significant other is around.

Chishiya would be the type of cuddler to also not let you get up in the morning.

You would have to pry yourself out of his arms.

He would also be a really light sleeper so if you move a bit or try to get out of bed he immediately wakes up. 

So be very careful when sleeping with Chishiya.

Chishiya’s biggest pet peeve about dating you and sharing an apartment with you in general is that you steal his hoodies and never give them back.

It's not even the stealing of his hoodies that annoys Chishiya, it's the fact that you seem to never give them back.

Story time!

One time Chishiya woke up and he went to his closet to get one of his signature hoodies and there were none in it.

I also noticed that he doesn't wear anything beneath his hoodie.

With that said he didn't have a shirt or anything to wear so he snuck out, shirtless i might add, to the beaches closet grabbed a shirt from over there and went out to look for you.

You were the beach's official bartender so he guessed that you probably went to do your job. 

When he reached the outside pool where the bar was he saw you in one of his hoodies and he lost all the courage to take his hoodie back from you. 

He would definitely tease you about not having any clothes and having to tease for stealing all his hoodies. 

But internally he would find you so cute and soft.

Like his girlfriend in his hoodie. 

It also boosts his ego a bit because everyone knows that she's his now that she's wearing his hoodie.

If she tries to steal his hoodies in front of him, well that's a whole other warzone.

Reader just takes his hoodie in front of him and Chishiya just goes nope, ‘Give me back my hoodie’.

And readers just like work to get your hoodie back and then she runs away.

Chishiya then continues to chase after her for ten minutes, then proceeds to give up.

When she comes back to the apartment tho, that's a whole other story.

(I'll leave it up to your imagination, dear readers;)

Moving on to more protective Chishiya.

He doesn't like to take you to games with him because he fears he'll get a heart game and usually in a heart game only one person can survive.

He doesn't want to take that chance.

But once in a while he gets teamed up with you and oh boy.

He does not let you out of his sight, like you ain't going anywhere missy.

If he's protective 70 percent of the time mostly, he's like 150 percent protective in games.

You basically get a free visa if you go with Chishiya in games.

Like he doesn't let you do anything.

But the threat of a heart's game is always at the back of his head.

If it's a diamond game you guys are fine because Chishiya’s smart, if it's a club game you guys are fine because it's Chishiya he'll find a way.

But if it's a spade game you have to step up a bit cause no matter how much I simp for Chishiya I don't think that man is good at physical things.

Being very protective creeps150

Other than games, Chishiya goes into protective mode when people are too close for comfort.

And also by creeps you mean Niragi right.

I'm just kidding but I'm sure Niragi tried to hit on Chishiya’s girlfriend once and Chishiya just told him to fuck off and get his ass back to Aguni.

Aguni had to apologize because of Niragi to Chishiya’s s/o.

From then on, he keeps more of an eye on Niragi. 

Chishiya does not directly come for your rescue, he usually assesses the situation first to see if you can handle it or not.

If you can't then he comes forward to deal with it.

Otherwise he trusts you enough to handle it on your own, but that doesn't mean he goes away; he just keeps observing until you're out of danger.

Chishiya isn't like Niragi in terms of protectiveness, he lets you have your freedom because he knows it wouldn't be fair if you have restrictions on you because of your relationships and he doesn't. 

If somethings really bothering him or if he feels like someone doesn't have the right intentions, he just sits you down and talks to you. 

Simple as that.

Slight Nsfw warning.

So Chishiya would be pretty dominant in like daily life as well as well you know 😏

Bro Chishiya’s definitely one of those people who have a big ass ego.

Like being a sub would definitely hurt his ego (but personally i feel like he would enjoy subbing) 

(headcanons for bratty sub Chishiya anyone)

But Chishiya would be a good goddamn dom 

Like he would keep tabs on what you like and dislike.

The only downside is that he's a very big tease and just loves torturing his s/o

Anyways Chishiya would be very spontaneous and very fun to be around

(If he actually cares about you that is, if he doesn't then I mean good luck)

Cuddly Chishiya is omg I simp for him so much/10

[dreaminpeaches]

Humble Pie AU Headcount!

Aye, here's a cool concept I saw from @paraesthetics

and @maddgicalgirl two really cool creative peeps who posted about their AUs for their paracosms, Memento Amouri and Zombie Lane! I don't have as many as them and they're not as cool as any of those but we go:

Humble Pie - OG paracosm, Beau, a former high school bully and star football athlete returns to his home town after flunking college, coming home brings back both nostalgic and bitter memories of his past, his memories haunt him so bad that they manifest into a alter ego of himself called "Stye" who makes a deal with Beau that if he can get at least half of the people he bullied to forgive him, then Stye will leave Beau forever, but if Beau fails Beau has to leave forever (either by running away, isolating himself from others even his friends and family forever so he doesn't hurt anyone else never to be seen again or ........), at the same time he finds himself falling in love with the new dorky girl in town

Bodyswap AU- this isn't really an AU more like a weird dream Beau has after eating some weird cake his little sister made for him and he was too nice to say no (it had glitter in it), the events only take place for about a day, but its basically a Kimi No Nawa (Your Name) parody just with alot of more comedy where Beau and Bonnie swap bodies, Beau spends the day in Bonnie's body as an angry gremlin woman, and Bonnie spends the day in Beau's body as a pretty boy. They both struggle with each other's usual tasks Bonnie struggles to fix cars and Beau having to wear a maid outfit, and doing anime dances on the spot while having to playfully flirt with a bunch of nerds at Bonnie's maid cafe job. Bonnie in Beau's body has more heavy moments because she can see Stye and meets him for the first time, Stye knows its not Beau in his body so he can't have as much "fun" toying with him as usual, but kind of with the "help" of Stye Bonnie is able to hop through Beau's memories (mostly his childhood ones), a lot of the memories stop halfway through or are purposely faded because how heavy they weigh on Beau's mind. Devin is the one who tries to research and help Bonnie and Beau get back to each other's bodies because while most of Beau's family welcomes Beau's brighter attitude, Dev is the only one who knows something is up.

Genderbend AU- In this AU Fem! Beau was a star cheerleader as a Regina George type of bully, telling lies, spreading rumors, and subtle causing chaos throughout the school while being seen as a beloved queen at the same time, she too flunks out of college, and returns with regrets, but as where Beau takes on a more punk cowboy aesthetic, Fem! Beau adopts a more gothic rockabilly witch aesthetic, Fem ! Beau always had an interest in witches/witchcraft since she was little (because her dad would read her a bunch of fairy tales and Fem! Beau always found the witches to be the more interesting characters in the stories) but was often made fun for it to the point where she kept it a secret, but now returning to her hometown, Fem! Beau decides to fully embrace her interest she dyes her blonde hair black and starts to study witchcraft in an effort to combat the bad vibes she's been feeling. Whereas original Stye is more of an evil Jojo Stand, Fem! Stye is more along the lines of a mix of Tomie and Junko Enoshima, she still enjoys toying with Fem! Beau and doing a noblewoman's laugh, the deal between them is still the same. Whereas Beau's bio dad left him, Fem! Beau's bio mom left her family and Fem! Beau has a really close relationship with her Dad, Lou , who works at the town's library as a libarian, he remarries a nice woman who tries to spend time with Fem! Beau by doing traditional girly activities (a thing that reminds Fem! Beau too much of her past self, but she still tries to grin and bear it), Fem! Beau works part-time at her step mom's boutique helping customers pick outfits and find the perfect outfit for them. Dev is the same tho, but Fem! Dev is a bit more into comics than games but still basically the same nerd (like Futaba from Persona 5), Fem! Beau stilll gives Fem! Dev advice on school and boys (but kind of subtlely telling Fem! Dev that most guys are pigs anyways), Carrie who is now Carter in this is a very rowdy but loveable little boy who is always seen with a cape and a wooden sword that his big sis made for him in shop class, he carries that thing with him everywhere and will fight anyone who's mean to his sisters. Like Beau, Fem! Beau loves her siblings to death and likes spending time with them

Beau has an interest in wild west media, Fem! Beau is more interested in stuff like Grease, Rebel Without A Cause, Bewitched, and West Side Story.

Male! Bonnie is mostly the same like with Dev is more into comics than anime, he has a bigger interest in clowns than mascots and wants to show kids that not all clowns are scary, he works as a children entertainer at a local fun center (like a Chuck E Cheese or Discovery Center), whereas Bonnie was taught ballet at a young age, Male! Bonnie was taught to play the piano, but he enjoys playing instruments like the keyboard, talkboxes, and one of those things that look like a musical note with a face on it (idk what they are call), he's trying to make a one-man-band performance to go along with his performance as a clown.

Whereas Bonnie and Beau meet a lot to work on Bonnie's car, Male! Bonnie and Fem! Beau met up a lot because Carter really likes to play at the fun center where Bonnie works, and when Male! Bonnie first saw Fem! Beau, he thought she was Raven from Teen Titans.

Bonnie and Beau's relationship is like Beauty and Beast, while Fem! Beau and Male! Bonnie is more like Jessica and Rodger rabbit.

Resident Evil Village AU: This one is basically Beau is Ethan, and Carrie takes the place of Rose, and that's it! To be honest, I didn't think how everyone else would fit in this AU (an older Dev might be Chris?? maybe), I just like the idea of Beau going through a ton of crazy spooky stuff to save his little sister, and would totally sacrifice himself like Ethan did at the end if all the chips were down, and older Rose is what I think an older Carrie would look like

Walking Dead (the game) AU: Same thing as RE but Beau lives through all the seasons with both of his siblings, I just dont really dig the idea of Carrie ending Beau like how Clem had to do with Lee (that's too much man), but I could see Beau trying to teach Carrie to defend herself during the apocalypse as she gets older he tries to distance himself a bit letting her be more independent but still nearby if she gets into trouble, I could also see Dev joining another group for a bit because he doesn't enjoy his brother bossing him around so much, he ends up returning but I could see tensions raising between those two in this situation, they would end up meeting Bonnie along the way, Beau would find her a bit annoying at first but end up catching feelings for her. I could see them making their own settlement, and trying to find other lost individuals.

[kae-karo]

[1] hi!! so idk if you've seen dan speaking at the mental health panel or not, but there was one part that hit me really hard and id love to know your thoughts on it! basically he was saying that often content creators, and people in general, are struggling with their mental health the most when it seems like they're thriving (uploading constantly, getting good grades, etc) but everyone thinks they're fine. which is literally my life rn but i can't take a break from overworking myself bc i need

[2] to get into college. do you have any advice abt how to provide for my future while still taking care of myself? also, i just want to thank you for running such a healthy and positive blog bc it has helped me thru some difficult times, and you seem like such a thoughtful and caring person!

hi dear! oh no :( I'm so sorry, that's such a hard position to be in - I havent been in school for a few years, and not in high school since 2012 yikes lmao, so I'm sure things have changed a bit but hopefully I can still give some advice that helps?

I'd say first and foremost, talk to a trusted adult you know in person about how you're feeling - whether that be a parent, older sibling, favorite teacher, advisor, etc. they may have advice more specific to your situation that might take into account details I dont know. and while this is my first piece of advice, it can also be the hardest? sometimes facing our demons and being honest about them with others who have only seen our "good side" can feel impossible, but it can be a crucial step to help build a support system that you can go to when you feel you're struggling

the next thing I'd say is, on a small scale, start taking time for yourself. I know that's like. the hardest thing to do when you have like 6hr of homework a night, minimum, plus clubs or sports or other activities that take time, but literally even sneaking five minutes between some bits of homework to do something that's calming and centering for you can make a difference - if you can grab five minutes to go sit in a space you feel comfortable, away from your work, to breathe and think about something other than your work, that can be helpful

the next one is sorta like. tangential, but take care of your body as well - you're still a growing and developing human, so this is ESPECIALLY important, but drinking lots of water (and not too many sugary drinks/chemical drinks) and eating veggies and getting enough protein can literally make such a big difference in your brains ability to function at it's best. the other important thing here is sleep - every body is different, so keep in mind what your body does best on and (when you can) aim for that. between hydration, good nutrition, and sufficient sleep, you're laying a foundation that can help your brain be more successful throughout the day

I wish, ultimately, i had a perfect answer for the fucked up school system (esp in America which is what I'm most familiar with), but it honestly sets you up to fail. what (unintentionally) worked well for me was having a blow-off class or two - classes that were easy for me (like sign language, or French 1 after I'd already taken Spanish for several years) and could help boost my GPA without stressing me out as much. if you can find those classes- and definitely look for the ones that are easy for YOU, don't just ask around for the easiest classes - that can be a really nice break in your day and help relieve you of some after-school stress

here's another "honesty is the best policy" situation - if you find yourself struggling to understand a concept, or homework is taking you so much longer than some of your peers (or the teacher says theres only an hour of hw a night and you end up spending far longer on it) talk to the teacher! tell them you're struggling, and ask if you can get some help understanding a topic. be specific about what you dont understand (dont just go "I dont get it") and explain your thought process - this can help teachers understand where you're veering off the path and what you might be missing. and, more importantly, if you're coming in for help, they're more likely to be lenient with you because they know you're trying (yes I'm aware that was more a "school help in general" bit of advice but in case that's something you're struggling with)

now heres....maybe some controversial advice. take calculated risks. example: if a teacher has a policy where they drop your lowest homework grade in a class and you're doing alright in that class, but you have a day where you're saddled with WAY too much work for another class where you're struggling, it's okay to say "okay, today I need to go to sleep by 10pm, I can either finish this difficult homework or complete homework for the class that will drop a grade", sometimes it makes more sense to skip that one homework and get a zero to spend time dedicated to the class you're struggling in and get rest. in a similar vein, there is also a limit to studying - there is a point where you physically cannot absorb more knowledge. it is so much better for your brain - both from a focus and memory standpoint - to get a little extra sleep than to stay up late studying well past the point where you will retain knowledge.

now....again, I havent been applying to colleges in ages so my advice might be a bit stale, but colleges tend to look for good grades but also challenging classes, or improvement over time in classes, etc etc. they want to know you're working hard, and that you have diverse interests. college apps are a bit like resumes honestly, except you cant lie about your GPA. but like. you can fluff everything else. literally EVERYTHING becomes fair game with college apps. you can talk about fanfic or a fandom you're in if you phrase it the right way, like there are barely rules lmao. and you can make yourself sound very appealing

so my advice would be basically this: work hard, but learn your personal limits. figure out how much sleep a night makes you feel awake and focused the next day (again, it varies!) and aim for that as much as you can. try to eat nutritiously when you can, and drink lots of water. dedicate time to your homework and studying, but be sure to take regular breaks and ACTUALLY shift your brain away from your work during those breaks. and it's also good to dedicate time to life activities - like I said, colleges want to know you're a diverse person. spend time in clubs you like or playing sports if that's your thing, or do things unconnected to school. and remember, you can fluff that all up on a college app! but also remember - you have to live with you for the rest of your life, and there are so so many paths to a good job or a college education if that's what you decide you want, be sure to prioritize your health as much as you can. the education system tricks you into this never ending cycle of "if I just push through ___________ I'll get to ___________!" and taking that through your life can be really challenging and exhausting. I need to acknowledge that some of this is easy for me to say - I was a good test taker in high school, I went to college, and I bullshitted my way through (that's a whole other story lmao) but like. I need to acknowledge that, by some privilege and luck, I do have a college education. so when i say this next thing, please take it with a grain of salt, but there is more to life than chasing what society tells us to chase - there is family, there are friends, relationships, hobbies and interests and love and dreams and spending hours playing video games and SLEEP and getting sunburned cause you spent too long out under the sun photosynthesizing and collecting pens or shiny rocks and ANIMALS there is so so so much in life and I hate with such a burning passion that, for the first 22 years of our lives, we are told the ONLY thing in life is getting through college, getting a degree. again, I need to acknowledge that I say that with a background of privilege, and that education can help people get out of bad situations, etc, but there are many paths to education and they dont all require you to put life on hold to get there

let me tell u a story real quick, cause my education looks (from the outside) "easy" (turns out I had depression and eating disorders of all kinds yeehaw !!!!). my sister did NOT have an easy time in school - my parents could afford it, so she had a tutor for some of her challenging subjects, but she also dealt with anxiety and depression the entire time. she didnt get into the college she wanted to, but got put in a sort of program where, if she got good enough grades in some community college courses, she could get into the school. so she worked her ass off, dove even deeper into her mental health issues, but eventually did get in. and then she had challenging classes and didnt have a great support system, and she ended up failing out of many of her classes, to the point where she got put on academic probation. so she took a year off, got a job at a daycare, and I have literally never seen her happier or more well-adjusted. shes going back to school now, for early childhood education, and working part time at the daycare while she takes a light course load at school

another story for you - my aunt graduated high school and went straight into the workforce. she came from a dirt-poor family and couldn't afford it. she bounced around a bit, but eventually found company that she worked well with. they paid for her to go to school, and she finally got a degree many years after what we would consider "traditional". she had a few other jobs, but shes been at her current company now going on 20 years, has been through several promotions, and works directly with a c-suite employee. she is also the only woman in her office, a very traditional trucking company where she works with engineers on a daily basis

there are many paths to education, if that's where you want to go, and it's okay if it ends up looking different from the traditional path were told to follow. do what you can to avoid sacrificing your mental health for an education - if its what you want, you will get there. and remember to ask for help along the way!! I hope that helps a little, dear

[astownd]

So lets start off with in the ends it is all completely and utterly my own fault.I should have been able to see the signs. I should have been a better person, friend, fiance, man, and most importantly a dad.

Where do I even begin?

I felt like I worked so hard for my family I was creating in my own way, making money in my own way. Got a house with the beautiful mother of my little boy, things were good for awhile, than rough, than covid, than bad. But before that we lived in an apartment, and the things i was doing and the substances (alcohol and adderal) were my coping mech. I would stay up for days, not eat, constantly trying to make every dollar I could to make sure we had a place to live freely. ( we both grew up in not so good broken homes). She made little mistakes one that completely don’t matter and are way overlooked, love her with all my heart. 

but the drugs and alcohol started getting to me, i became irritable constantly, never wanted to leave, hated everyone. I was always mad, always needed my way. Than I cheated once and thank god that she took me back even after that. Honestly she did a ton and most of all the work. She is one of the most dedicated and hard working woman/mothers I have ever come acrossed. She never stops making sure our son has everything he needs plus more, working constant hours at terrible jobs, sometimes with terrible people. I didnt see the stress it was putting on her, the constant cries for just down time for herself, or her need to want to go out and do things. I held her inside and caged away. ( not literally lol) I really should have been showing her off and paying for her countless nights to go out and have fun with her friends because honestly she fucking deserves and deserved it. I couldn’t be any happier that, that woman is the mother to OUR beautiful little boy. After my first few mistakes I just started tumbling downhill. Never stopped making them. I am so fucking sorry and truly dislike the person i became over all of it. After all that we had our son, and we put down a down payment on a home. We moved in things were good for awhile, than rough because of my laziness and lack of will to do anything ever. It was a mixture of that but also a mix of me actually being comfortable where I was at for once in my life. I finally had a place I could call a home, I FINALLY HAD A REAL family I could call my own. So i just got more lazy, I just began to lackadiscally relax all the time and do nothing, didn’t help unpack, barely got stuff done around the house. The stress built on her alot, and I saw it. She wanted me to get a job, a real job. So I would be a man. And I agree with her, I was not a man, and honestly probably still not, but I am trying to be for our son. I wish her too but I know I lost that part of me. She would come home and just want to relax, but would have to cook and take care of our son. She needed time alone but also out, and I never gave her either. Im so dumb for alot of things, but honestly losing her has to be by far the dumbest thing I could have done besides trying to take my own life after the fact. I wish we could have fixed it, I wish we could have communicated better. We both have mental issues, more me than her by far, and hers were probably caused by me in the end. But we got super bad right around christmas time, real bad, i was basically staying upstairs in my gaming room, my clothes were in the dressers anymore, they were up there. But like two weeks prior of one of the worst days of my life, things started to seem almost better. We were getting along again, I was seeing a smile in her face that I haven’t seen in so long. I feel so deeply, and honestly from the start of our relationship/ friendship her smile has always been my most fav thing about her. She even came an said to me “ why don’t you put your clothes back in the dresser, you have a family here, and we love you” because we got into an agruement over me being constantly needy and clingy. I was begging for her attentions for months but I didnt realize she didnt want to give it to me because I wasnt a man but I also was just ruining her along the way.  So that night I didn’t move my clothes becasue it was late, but I got off the couch went downstairs and got into bed with my beautiful family. A week or two passes. I could tell she was being a little off. and at night one night she looks over to our son while were all in bed together and says I think daddy and I are better just as friends. Right away I teared up and began to cry because im so broken down at this point but purely because of my own causes. She says to me “ what you dont like the sounds of beings just friends” I said no, I love you, and so much more. She didn’t want to hear it, she didnt want to give me an ultimatum, or tell me what I had to work on. But she was in the complete right by far. So I eventually get quiet roll over and fall asleep crying. the next early morning I wake up to her flustered trying to pee. Our son wakes up so easily, so immediatley he gets up and follows her to the bathroom, its probably 630 am so Im dead asleep. I wake up and go right to the bathroom and she yells at me because she can’t go pee alone ever. In no mean tone or nothing I just said baby wake me up and Ill grab him for you anytime, and immediatley it started a fight because of the lurking thing from the night before. She said that we were toxic, that if we continued to be together now and longer that we couldn’t fix it and that we would always stay toxic. Clearly I didnt agree with that, begged and pleaded. It turned into the most heated agruement I have probably ever been in with some I have loved. I regret everything rotten and mean thing I said in my angry judgement. I didn’t mean any of it. I love every part of that woman, still even after all the things that have happened. and that she has maybe or maybe not done. But I was kicked out that day with nothing but my computer, xbox, wallet, monitor, and a handful of clothes. That is the day I LOST EVERYTHING my entire world. My entire dream, everything I began to strive but also wanted in my life. A home, a family, a beautiful wife, mother, and children. I went into a complete and utter psychotic break and was nuts. still am. I made her life hell, I scared her, I threatened her with taking our son away from her. So many things I did not mean but I would never do. Our son needs both of us, but most imnportantly he needs his mother. She worked and works so hard for him day in and day out and takes such good care of him. Sorry I needed to let it out somewhere, everyone near just says go fuck someone go do this. BUT NONE OF THAT is going to make me feel better, none of that is going to bring back my family, none of that is going to even help progress, if anything it would make things worse. So I sit and I remain forever loyal to who I would love to call my fiance still.  But where I wanted to get at is WHAT the actual FUCK do you do when you lose EVERYTHING.She was my bestfriend, my everything, honestly probably the only reason geniune person I had in my life for a really long time so It was even worse, I had noone to turn to. No where to go. Noone wanted me . Noone wants me. I was just angry bringing everyone down around me after. Constantly drinking and just being stupid. Im really trying to get a better handle on things now though for my son. What kills me the most is before we had Wesser bean, she got preg before and had a miscarrage. Which kills both of us mentally, but more her than anything. That is her body, and that beautiful child was growing inside of her. We weren’t going to try again for the sake of our sanities after that. But on some of our long talking nights with one another we agreed that we wanted to try again, we wanted a family. But we promised to each other that we would never NO matter what let our children grow up like we did. In a broken home, a broken family. I want my son to be able to wake up next to his mother and father every living day and be able to enjoy all his little ups and downs. But I ruined that. I caused everything, I am the reason I lost everything. I am still so utterly confused and dont know where to go or what to do. My mind is always worrying about those two because they arent in arms reach and I cant be there quick enough. I still worry about her a ton even though everyone tells me I shouldn’t but that was my best freaking friend from almost the instant she curved me the first time. Thats the woman I loved, the woman I wanted to marry, the one I called fiance, but most importantly the mother to our child. So I will never stop worrying, or caring about it. I wish I had anyone, anyone that wouldn’t just push me off, or just give me some petty advice to go do some petty stuff like its going to slap her in the face? No becauses it not, she doesn’t love the piece of poop I am, nothing is going to slap her beautiful face. I would give anything to go back, fix some mistake, and be a man for them. Honestly I over think, thats my biggest issue. I love this girl to death, and I know im not adequate and she hasn’t had time to have fun or do the things she wanted too. But no matter what she has done, said, did, or didn’t do I would probably still take it like a grain of salt and do anything to immediately be back in her home, what I used to call home with them. To be a man, to be better. To be a dad. To be everything. Her and my son are my only lights, without them I just see darkness and it consumes me and just makes me want to do nothing, but it should burn a fire in me. I want them near by, cheering me on, but also helping me steer back onto the right path when im going astray. Its been three months now since I have been home, Since I have been able to sleep next to my son and wake up to his little smiling face. To be able to feel the warmth and hear my best friends voice on a daily basis. Shit three months since I have even slept on a mattress. about 2 months ago I took a estimated count of 32-45 pills of multiple different varieties. From pain killers, to adderal, to anti depressants, and sleeping pills. All one big mix. Got stupid drunk on top of it and tried taking my own life. I went to go lay down finally about an hour after I finished all the pills because I didnt feel well. The second my head hit the pillow I started throwing up really bad. I could not stop, I could not breathe. And the whole time All I could see Is my sons face. crying. not knowing where I went, What happened. Or why I was such a coward I would do that. about 5 minutes into me hurling I started to really not be able to breathe, I almost couldn’t choke the words out from the back of the trailer, I screamed as hard as I could from an ambulance. My mom came running in and looked at me and asked seriously If i needed it or not. I looked back and told her I would die if she didn’t. She called, I ended up waking up 3-6 hours later in a hospital bed completely and utterly confused but so fucking ashamed. They had a therapist or someone in there waiting for me to wake up, I guess I said somethings in my delusions of substance. But about after 15 minutes of talking to him and him seeing my sit. He looked at me told me they pumped my stom, and that If I didnt make that call My son wouldn’t have a father. Hearing him say that still kills me. I messed up big that time. they released me within 25 minutes of waking me up. no shoes, no shirts, puke covered pants, no cell phone at 630 am. What a wonderful hospital right? Try to take my life and they save it, but let me go just like I was nothing. I got to a near by store called for a ride and waited. Showed up home at my moms more ashamed and more sad because of yet another terrible choice I made. Tonight is the first night aubs have let me have our son alone for a time period. And for a solid 15 minutes I Couldn’t stop but also wanting to apologize so much to my son. He just came up to me gave me a big wesser hug, layed on me, and let me sing to him for 30 mins just like mummy used to do so he could fall asleep.  I never felt a love like I do for my boy, loving a human like aubrey is wonderful and beyond one of a kind, but loving your child and their love back is something words alone cannot describe. I can’t ever be so sorry that I ever tried that, that I ever would do that to my son. He deserves so much better. I am slowly trying tho too. Not alot of people know because noone cares and I just want to be alone but I scraped together the last remainder of any cash or any value I had left and got 4k. Didn’t sell our wedding ring or anything for that money. (its worth is 4.2-5.5k) I be holding onto that thing like its my life, I constantly catch myself grabbing it and wearing it still like a loser lol.Went and looked at a little trailer today, needs gutted almost, decent amount of work. Guy was asking 4k. with the work it needed I went balls deep said 2, he hit me with 2.5k If the mobile home park accepts my background check hopefully Ill finally have a little place I can lay my head. Its been a rough three months, homeless I would say, couch hopping, place to place. I am done now. I am fed up with myself but with everyone and everything around me. I need to be better for my son, so this is my start and my little way I guess. I have been applying countless places, All I want to do is dive all my time into some form of work/ works and be alone unless my son ( his mother included one could wish) is the company. My bills would be utterly dumb cheap. I just want to work and help her out to provide but keep the beautiful home she chose for her future family. I want to be able to make sure I can reassure her she won’t lose that roof, or that she can go out and eat, or wes can have that toy. She works to damn hard to lose it. It was like a movie too, third house on the realtors listings. We walk through the front door threshold, immediate second she turned around with the smile I fell inlove with and said this is the one. AND BY god when this woman says she wants something or is going to do something, she fucking does it, does it well, sticks it to ya, and does it kick. Immediately she got an offer in and she got her home. I’ll never be able to fix the mistakes and wrongs I did. Never be able to give back all the time and tears and heartache I caused her and her family countless times. But I want to be able to be part of my sons life, to atleast try to atone for the terrible things I did. I want 0 pity by the way. This was soley for me. For me to let stuff out. I will forever love aub snuffalfugus. and of course our beautiful boy Wesley. I would do anything, give anything, forgive and forget anything this second to see her walking up to me holding our little man and say “does daddy wanna come home” or “ dad come home” or “ i think its time dad comes home”. I understand I never will get that chance and by far I never will get that chance. I understand I did this, I created this, and I am the one to blame. I pray to god every night that maybe right now just wasn’t the exact time or what we needed. That he will lead our path back together one day. I see glimmers of hope in dumb things, but thats my over thinking. I love that freaking beautiful furrowed browed woman and our son so much. and with me being gone, I can’t tell if shes struggling, I can’t tell if she cares, I can’t tell if she thinks about us, our old family, or the things that happened. She has such a good poker face, shes so good at holding things in. But she has been glowing, has been looking more beautiful than ever with her hair all curly and down. She is constantly in her phone texting and smiling, and when I say that I in no form care who or about what, I care that the fact that the smile is there and its the real one. She seems happier, healthier, and more together than ever and I hope that its not a front, not that it matters because shes a strong ass mom and she kicked thru it. I love seeing her happy. I love seeing her look good. i absolutely adore the fucking smile. I am trying to come to terms that maybe I wasn’t the right one, That I couldn’t make her happy, but I was placed there to get her through a time , but also for her to have our beautiful son. Now that he has come, she has seen that I wasn’t much of really anything, so she bettered herself. But even if shes not with me, as long as she is safe, our son is safe, they have a warm roof above their heads, and full tummies than I can’t complain. That is what im striving for. To just be able to simplify their lifes but to see her smile again, and I have been seeing it and she rockkkkk that shit. Everytime I see her I get into my feelings, but tonight hit me for some reason. Tonight really had/has me thinking. Forever stay our beautiful little chunk Wesser. I love you both. 

ok done word vommiting, think im ready to cry if off in the shower lmao. 

[rkleedongminie]

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS  November Evaluation Mock Interview

dongmin is too sure why he was so stressed over this evaluation. he had all his notes in line, went to every lecture they had, and spoke with his sunbae for advice. his notes had been read over and over, and he even ran questions with joshua as a mock mock interview for the both of them. 

on top of all that, this was only a mock interview to help him be able to speak and answer questions if he ever debuts. this isn’t like he’s being shoved onto some news broadcast without any idea of what to do. the instructors pretty much outlined everything for them and so dongmin shouldnt be worrying.

and on top of all of that. he grew up doing stuff like this. how many parties did his parents drag him too and have him answers questions throw at him from other parents. people who didn’t care about him, and only about the image he painted.

thats exactly what he has to do here. paint an image, make the public see and believe what image the company wants him to be. he knows this, he knows he will have a persona he will probably have to manage should he ever debut and this is a good time for him to start forming it. to begin molding the image he would want to portray, the person he would want to be. 

just who is cha eunwoo?

the mock interview started out easy.

so youre name is cha eunwoo, correct? and you’re, wow, 15 years old. 

“yup! i just started high school.” 

what is high school like for you? 

“it’s fun! i’ve always liked school, ever since i was little. learning new things is something that really interest me! it’s neat seeing what the world has to offer.” the questions where things that were easy for dongmin to answer, things he has been asked before and knows the answer too like the back of his hand. 

but eventually they got deeper, the questions started reaching for more. wanting to know more than just the basics, and dongmin could feel his nerves growing with each question. until the instructor called a pause, making it seem like they were going on a ‘commerical break’ so that he could get a few second breather. no use for a mock interview if the kid faints. 

do you think your age works against you? or for you?

“i don’t think my age really does anything for me, yet. i’m young, yes, but it just means i have more time to train. right now, i’m young and i haven’t had much training. so that could work against me, but in a few years i will still be ‘young’ but have more to my background. i think it’s more though to my effort, how much time i’m willing to put in.” 

being so young, and being in high school, the schedules much take a toll on you? is it tough trying to handle school and idol life?

“yes, at times it can be a challenge, but challenges are fun! it adds some excitement, and i like testing myself to stay at the top of my game. some of my sunbae have university and idol schedules and do just fine, so i look at that and reflect on my own time management.” 

have you ever wanted to give up? 

“no, never. even on the toughest days when i just want to cry, i still dont think about quitting. i’m forever grateful to jisub seongsangnim for taking me into royal when he did and giving me this chance.” 

so being an idol is what you really want? 

“yes, without a doubt this is both where i want to be and where i belong. i couldnt image doing anything else.”

why do you say you belong? what makes you a better fit to the idol life?

“confidence?” he laughed a little, before shaking his head. “honestly, i dont think im a better or even the best fit. but i keep trying, i keep working to be a good fit to be someone who deserves to stand on a stage and say ‘I made it’. i think, even ten, twenty years down the line i will still be working as hard as a rookie trainee to prove myself.”

other than being so young, what are some things that really make you stand out among your peers? special talents perhaps?

this caused the teen to pause, his hand raising to tap his chin as he thought before he smile. “i know magic tricks for one, my first day in royal i performed such a silly magic trick for one of my sunbae. i can show you one now.” he then preceded to remove a deck of cards from his pocket. why he carries those around is beyond anyone’s understanding but at least he’s prepared. 

is there anyone you would want to thank for pushing you, or maybe guiding you through the trainee life, that helped push you to debut?

this was the easiest question. “jaehyun hyung, he was the first person i really attached to when i got to royal. him and baekhyun hyung were always really helpful to me, but jaehyun hyung is closer in age so i was more comfortable with him. even when things got really tough, he was there to help me, and i will always be grateful for him looking out for me to this day. being able to debut with him was and is my dream, so im glad i got this chance. and i thank him for helping me get here.” he nodded, blinking his eyes a few times to push away the growing emotions. 

“there is of course, a lot more people i could name. i have a lot of really amazing sunbae and fellow idols who all helped me when i was a trainee, and i’m still working to show them how thankful i am to all of them.”

[jerkcobain]

How i want to grow this year!

11/18/19 3:35pm

1. Learn to not take everything so personally

I have a tendency to get defensive if someone points out something I'm self-conscious about. For instance T was telling me about parasocial relationships and used the example of me and the garden (lmao) and instead of taking it on the chin and shooting a joke back at him, I took it way too personally and basically tried to argue my way out of it even though I totally do have a parasocial relationship with them and most other celebrities lol.

It's very hard to not immediately react, so I'm going to try to take a beat and tell myself it's not personal and that they're not attacking me. That being said, being sensitive to my own feelings is not a bad thing! In fact that leads me to my next thing

2. Learn to notice and communicate feelings as they’re occurring

This is extremely hard!!!!! But in the long run its going to save so much time and frustration for both of us. Next time T or anyone says something to you that doesnt sit well, just straight up tell him “that hurt my feelings”

This goes for all other emotions too! Good and bad! Tell T when youre feeling tired, sad, gross, and especially TELL HIM WHEN YOU FEEL HAPPY! That way there is no guessing on his part or making him feel like he’s done something wrong when he hasnt AND then he knows that youre having a blast just by being with him!

3. Wear what you want

Don’t worry so much about what T might find you attractive in. Sure he’s not gonna love all of your outfits, but if you’re feeling good then thats all that matters. This goes a little with dont take things so personally, but the next time he comments something negative about something youre wearing tell him “well I like it so too bad” or “i feel good in this” or simply “mind your business!” he will LOVE that you’re being assertive, and you’ll feel way more confident 

4. Become a better listener for T

he’s not the type to opening share his feelings either. In fact he’s much more eager to hear mine. But he has his own stress, worries, dreams, fantasies etc and i want him to feel like he can tell me all of it!

so this really ties in with the first thing. If he’s telling you something that pertains to your relationship, you cannot take it personally. You must do your best to listen and understand where he is coming from. You cannot make him feel like if he opens up that you will judge or yell at him. Make sure to offer him comfort and THANK HIM FOR OPENING UP. 

5 Take a Break

if youre in a heated conversation about awkward feelings and things, don’t be afraid to tell T you need a minute to collect your thoughts but you really want to continue the conversation

leave the room and do your best to calm down. Think about where he is coming from and consider both of yalls emotions. This is your time to make your thoughts clear so that you can communicate to him exactly what you want/need/feel. 

6 Come up with code words for complicated feelings

this is really silly and i saw it in a relationship advice video lolololol but it made a lot of sense!

Find a pattern with your emotions, things that often come up and fix them with a simple code word so you dont feel like you have to explain yourself over and over again but also so that T can understand exactly what youre feeling and vice versa

some feelings i’d like to have a code word for:

I’m feeling really ashamed for not having a job yet and its making me feel helpless and like a burden

I miss my mom, I’d like to hang out with her soon

I miss my brother, I would like to hang out with him soon

I feel like i need a girly/ pamper night

I feel gross for no apparent reason and i probably just need to wash my face but i promise it has nothing to do with you

something news/politics related has upset me and it has nothing to do with you

I’m feeling really insecure about my body rn could you compliment me

I’m feeling really insecure about my body rn pls do not mention my appearance in any way

I’m feeling really sexy and playful

I feel really uncomfortable in this situation can we leave

I am tired of socializing can we leave

I am having a really good time and i would like to stay longer than planned

I’m really tired and not really in the talking mood

I’m really tired and i just want to be quiet by myself for a bit

We’ve entered into a topic that is very serious and tricky (example: # of children we’ll have/ are we having a wedding etc) and i am not in the right frame of mind for it

I am tired of being in this room but i also dont want to leave the bed

I am tired of being in this room and i would like to leave

I dont want to talk about my day, something happened that bummed me out

I dont want to talk about my day, but everything is okay

I feel lonely, its probably bc we’ve both been on our phones for a while or bc you’ve been gaming

I dont know what to wear and i want you to genuinely tell me which outfit you like better

I dont know what to wear and i do not want your input

I have feelings to share and i want your advice

I have feelings to share but i just want you to listen and comfort me

I feel like i’m being annoying and i am sorry

I cannot match your energy level rn please do not take it personally

I am fucking hangry and i’m going to kill myself and every one near me if you talk to me

I am approaching hangry, sorry if I seem quiet or distant i just need to eat

I want to listen to music but i dont know what i want to hear and i also dont want to interrupt your radio time lol

You’ve been playing games for a while now and i miss you

Please keep playing your game i am having fun by myself

You have really hurt my feelings and i need a minute to myself and i love you

I am confused by my own emotions and I need a minute to figure them out

Please stop making fun of what i’m wearing, I felt really cute and now i feel ugly

I feel extremely stressed and anxious and i might snap at you I’m really sorry 

I’m really worried about you and i would like to know what is on your mind

I’m really worried about you and I think it has something to do with me but I’m not sure

I do not know how to comfort you rn and I’m sorry but could you tell me what you need/ want from me so you can feel better

I feel depressed right now and there is nothing you can do

I feel depressed right now but theres something you could do to help

I feel depressed right now and i do not know how i want to be comforted

I feel depressed right now and i have no idea what caused it or how to make it better

I know you were only joking but i took it personally and hurt my own feelings 

I have been thinking about something you or I did/said a while ago and I know i should have said something back then but its been bugging me so can we please have a conversation about it now

I hate all of the clothes that i own rn and this outfit was the best that i could do but i still feel really ugly pls be nice to me lol

I think I just said something really mean and i instantly regret it and I would like to apologize to you

I didnt realize what i just said/did was mean and i will try to avoid saying/doing that in the future and i would like to apologize

I feel like this argument might escalate and i am not ready for it

I am in an argumentative mood, i’m sorry please just dont talk to me

I feel like this conversation got out of hand and is now an argument but i am not sure how it happened and i would like it to stop and hug you

I’m feeling really homesick even tho i am already home

I am overthinking the hell out of this and i need you to talk me down but please do not be condescending or tell me to “stop worrying”

I know i asked you to explain this thing to me but you sound really condescending

I just fucked up a really basic math problem, be nice to me bc I am already threatening myself with suicide lol

lol okay i’ll stop there but i will add to the list the more i think about it

[survivedeathvalley]

MATTIE’S JURY QUESTIONS

IDK what the fuck is going on so… Giruga please redo your jury statement with at least 40% less ‘bros’ Wash come up with as many puns of your name as possible. Peace out bitches!

Wash’s answer:

-brain wash the jury to vote for me

-gonna wash this vote

- Wash this space, i'm about to win

- You better wash yourself, dont vote for me and I'll come for you

- Wash up with you?

- if we have any drama, we need to wash (squash) it

- need a jacket? What about a mackinwash

- I would never cower away from a big move and wash flee from the scene. I was unafraid

- Whats my wash key to success? Thats a secret

- Please vote for me. I'd be full of wash glee

- Award me the million dollar prize! We can go on a shopping wash b

- I was never afraid to call people out. I'd always spill the wash tea

- this game was a constant race. A constant grand wash prix

Giruga’s answer: "I want to thank everyone involved with this season. It’s been really fun to play make-believe with everyone and distract myself for over a month now. I’ve loved every minute of this game and have taken it as seriously as I can…. hence never really breaking character until answering these jury questions.This game started for me at the application process. I had to think up a new identity, something that I could easily play, but also something that could mask myself from other players and throw them completely off my trail to who I really was. I probably put the most amount of thought into creating Giruga Mesh… more so than probably a good chunk of the cast. I decided to go in the direction of a big dumb dude bro. It was something that yes, would get on people’s nerves, but at the same time I would be overlooked later on down the road. I chose the name Giruga Mesh because it’s actually the name of a Japanese band… which also happens to be a meme as well, Girugamesh. It was all, in my mind, basically a big trollolo running joke for me that no one really picked up on… besides Tanner I think.I came into the game knowing a few things that I was going to do. Lie if I ever needed to, because from the get go we were all lying about who we really were. Vote out Allies if needed, I knew I wasn’t going to be bogged down by allies and if they didn’t do what I wanted then I didn’t really need them. Be social and annoying, this was a given and also for playing the long game. I knew if I wanted to stick around early on in the game I needed to be social. I also knew that yes it was dangerous to play the annoying bro angle, but if I some how managed to make it to merge then people were going to overlook me because I was annoying as hell in the early stages of the game. I was just a dumb dude bro and of course people could take me out later on down the road.I instantly aligned myself with Dianna and William, the two most social players on Titus. Dianna, by the way she spoke, I knew if she made merge she would be targeted because she was so damn likable. Which was good for me because I could hide behind that. William was pretty crazy and I knew if something happened against him then I could hide behind William as well as he went off on people. It came as no surprise to me that each of these players wanted a final two with me. I of course said yes and thought I would be okay if we ever went to tribal.Then the tribe swap happened and my first thoughts were I was going to be okay because Dianna or William will pick me. Neither of them picked me and it left a bad taste in my mouth… So I had to make new relationships and it just so happened that I had been hamming it up with Misty, when we were all waiting at one world for the tribes to swap. I had been told that Titus wanted the majority on one tribe so they could purposely lose challenges and vote out the other tribes. I figured that was just a pipe dream…. and sure enough I was basically forced to start my social connections from scratch.I instantly connected with Gabby and Misty, two of the most social players on New Zabriskie. Alex talk to me too and I did like him, but no one else on the Lawful side bothered to approach me. I wanted Alex to stick around because I liked him, but I decided it was best for my game if I went along with the Neutrals for the first round. There was tension I could sense a little bit from the Neutrals, that I wasn’t sensing from the Lawful players. So while this was happening Dianna approached me and asked if she needed her tribe to throw the immunity challenge. Of course I said yes, but shortly after I’m told the old Titus members don’t feel like throwing it. I was pissed as hell, your side has the damn numbers why not throw it? Why was this option offered to me if in the end it wasn’t going to happen? It felt like I was just an after thought to old Titus. If I got voted out it would just be collateral damage. Oops we knew you might be in danger, but oh well not our problem. This only solidified my game plan, flip, lie, no allies.Adelaide made an off hand comment about the scores in the immunity challenge and I took full advantage of that. I put the target on Adelaide and she was gone. After that Gabby wanted to flip and I took advantage of that too. I set my sights on a social and physical threat and pulled the trigger. The merge came and I knew I was in a little bit of hot water with Alex. I was pulled into an alliance with Bianca, Misty, Dianna, and William. To try and show Alex I wanted to work with him I told him this alliance was voting Kai and I told him exactly who was in this alliance. What I didn’t expect was Alex to go directly to Dianna and rat me out to her. Luckily for me I was able to play it off as I was stupid and trying to get numbers down the line. I don’t think Dianna bought it, but I knew after this week I was going to have to cool my heels for a few rounds. Because the target on my back was huge. Luckily for me what I told Alex worked in our favor and it cause confusion on the other side. Names were being thrown around and no one even saw the torpedo aimed directly at RMS Jenny.From there I cut communication with Alex and tried to stand back for a few rounds. I was clearly a big target when everyone targeted the last tribal council. However that target shrunk a little when Touchy Subjects rolled around. I was lucky enough to not get any of the good categories and kind of blend in with the background. A plan was formed to flush Wash’s idol and get Kai voted out… However, I’m not 100% sure how it happened, but after talking to Wash a new plan was formed to take out Tanner. Misty and Bianca were in on this plan, but when I expressed concern as to why we were targeting Tanner I was basically told to shut up and do as I was told or risk screwing things up. I didn’t like being told what to do and it was clear to me that Misty and Bianca were setting in motion a plan to break up Titus, but I couldn’t do much about it. So instead I voted Alex out of defiance because I was not going to be told to shut up and vote a way if no one was explaining how voting Tanner benefitted me.Next up was the cut the rope challenge and I was out of that one early… which to me said I was still a pretty big target… I knew my time with Titus was ticking away and I was hoping that if an attack on us was coming I wasn’t going to take the hit. Surprisingly everyone made a smart move and voted out Dianna… but I was left out of the loop on that one, so I tried my best to just sit back and see what would happen now. To my surprise William quit and it created the perfect opportunity for me. I was now a guy in the center of two sides. I was a wild card and I could freely flip around without a third party to worry about.I was approached by Alex, surprisingly, to go against Misty. At the same time I had Misty coming to me wanting to know what I wanted to do. I took advantage of this position to plot my next moves carefully. It became very clear to me that Misty was the more dangerous party… what again surprised me was how Wash also wanted to work with me, and that created even more options for me.After a long talk with Wash I learned of Misty’s boot list and how after Kai I was the next one to go. Lucky for me Kai and Alex already wanted to vote Misty, so I told Wash there was a big possibility of rocks so she should play her idol. Wash took my advice and when the votes tied she listened to me and voted Misty at the revote.From there it was a matter of forming an anti Kai and Alex alliance with the remaining players. From there I bounced back and forth until only myself and Wash now remain. I cam into this game with a plan of attack and I feel like I’ve succeeded. I might make it sound easy, but towards the end I had to win challenges if I wanted to keep myself safe to say to all of you how much effort and work I’ve put into this game. I would hope that now I have convinced you that everything I’ve done had a purpose and that I should gain your vote to win.”

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Passion is overrated 7 habits that you need instead

Image: Shutterstock / ChingChing

Its common wisdom. Near gospel really, and not just among young people and founders. Across generational lines, sentiments like those from Steve Jobs 2005 commencement at Stanford have been engraved into our collective consciousness:

The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle.

In other words, follow your passion. Theres just one problem: Follow your passion is dangerous advice.

Thats a troubling claim, but it comes straight from Cal Newports investigation into the details of how passionate people like Steve Jobs really got started as well as what scientists say predicts happiness and fuels great accomplishment.

Newports not alone. In recent years, a host of leaders, academics, and entrepreneurs have all come to the same startling conclusion: nearly everything youve been told about following your passion is wrong.

Here are seven habits you need instead.

1. Not passion, purpose

Ryan Holiday, author of Ego Is the Enemy:

Your passion may be the very thing holding you back from power or influence or accomplishment. Because just as often, we fail with no, because of passion. [P]urpose deemphasizes the I. Purpose is about pursuing something outside yourself as opposed to pleasuring yourself.

Until about a century ago, passion was a dirty word. Classical philosopher like Socrates and Marcus Aurelius saw passion as a liability not an asset: an insatiable and destructive force. Why?

Chiefly because passion is dangerously self-centered. In fact, our own modern descriptions of passion betray this inward bend: I want to [blank]. I need to [blank]. I have to [blank]. In most cases, whatever word finishes those sentences regardless of how well meaning it might be is overshadowed by the first.

Purpose, on the other hand, is about them, not me. It reorients our focus onto the people and causes were trying to reach, serve, help, and love. In The Happiness Hypothesis, psychologist Jonathan Haidt describes this pursuit as a striving to get the right relationships between yourself and others, between yourself and your work, and between yourself and something larger than yourself. If you get these relationships right, a sense of purpose and meaning will emerge.

Passion makes us bigger. Purpose connects us to something bigger and in doing so makes us right sized.

2. Not passion, picking

Shaa Wasmund, author of Stop Talking, Start Doing:

No is a far more powerful word than Yes. Every Yes said out of obligation or fear takes time away from the things and people we love. When an opportunity appears connected with your passion, its even trickier. Instead of snatching up everything that might get your closer to the life you want, give yourself the space to pick carefully.

Good is the enemy of great. Thats how Jim Collins put it anyway. Learning to say No is easily one of the most vital skills we can cultivate. And yet, even if youve mastered No to the obvious stuff, passion rears its head.

The blinding effect of passion leads us unthinkingly into projects and meetings that, in truth, are dead ends. Worse, they sap time and energy that would otherwise move us forward. When Tim Ferriss asked journalist Kara Swisher what message shed put on a billboard for millions to see, her answer was a single word, Stop.

And thats what picking is all about: slow down, pause, evaluate, weigh, and only then make a clear-headed choice. Picking involves, first, putting a time buffer on our decisions, particularly decisions that appear connected with your passion. Second, running our choices by an objective third party: a friend or colleague who can call out our blind spots.

Sleep on it. Reach out. The sun will rise tomorrow. And be ruthless with your Nos.

3. Not passion, practice

Angela Duckworth, author of Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance:

After youve discovered and developed interest in a particular area, you must devote yourself to the sort of focused, full-hearted, challenge-exceeding-skill practice that leads to mastery. You must zero in on your weaknesses, and you must do so over and over again, for hours a day, week after month after year.

We all love shortcuts. The allure of getting more by doing less is seductive. But are there times when doing more equals more? Absolutely.

The classic illustration comes from David Bayles and Ted Orlands Art and Fear where a ceramics teacher divided his class into two groups. The first was told theyd be graded on quality. The other, quantity. To get an A, the quantity group was required to produce fifty pounds of clay pots. Not exactly an artistically inspired assignment. And yet, when grading time came, a curious fact emerged: the works of highest quality were all produced by the group being graded for quantity.

What accounted for this reversal of expectations?

Easy: while the quality group held back laboring under perfectionism the quantity group got busy. They practiced. And thats good news. If greatness came down to passion or worse, talent then itd be reserved for only a select few. Practice means greatness is doable one tiny step after another.

4. Not passion, planning

Liran Kotzer, CEO of Woo.io:

Passion is indeed very important, but what most people don’t know is whats needed to achieve their true potential. Whether its to acquire new skills, get a promotion, or achieve what they want, it all starts with having a plan based on real data and real-world options.

The only word less sexy than practice is planning. And yet planning is a golden thread woven through the lives of artists, leaders, and entrepreneurs alike. The trick here is that plans need not be grandiose. Rather, they shouldnt be.

Optimism is wonderful when it comes to our dreams. However, when it comes to whats next the nitty-gritty actions thatll get us there optimism kills. Infected with passion, our plans lose touch with reality. We overestimate strengths and underestimate challenges. Beyond the real data and real-world options, we build castles in the sky. Thats one of the reasons platform like Woo, which lets you get feedback from companies and headhunters anonymously, are so valuable.

Where passion disconnects us from reality, planning especially planning of the SMART goal and number-crunching variety drives home the true state of affairs.

That true state rescues us from false expectations, show stoppers, and resentment. As a good friend of mine likes to say, The question when youre trying to bring a dream into reality shouldnt be, What going to go right? It should be, Whats going to go wrong?

5. Not passion, positioning

Jason Stone, founder of Millionaire Mentor Inc.:

Passion can only take you so far. After that, if you don’t have the skills, the tools, the resources, the knowledge, and the track-record to move forward, take risks, and expand. Otherwise, you wont be able to position yourself as an authority. Positioning is key to make sure you are ready when opportunity strikes!

Humans are associative creatures. We think and act not in isolation but by comparing and contrasting.

The basic approach of positioning, wrote Al Ries and Jack Trout in Positioning: The Battle for Your Mind, is not to create something new and different, but to manipulate whats already up there in the mind, to retie the connections that already exist. This is especially true when it comes to how other people see us.

Passionate people often come off as self-inflated. Theyre legends in their own minds. Positioning means leveraging who you are and what youve done as a springboard to whats next. It embraces the associate nature of other people and while it still leaves room for confidence acknowledges that how others perceive us is more real, at least to them, than how we see ourselves.

6. Not passion, peripheral

Troy Osinoff, author of My Bad Parent: Do As I Say, Not as I Did:

People that think they completely understand their world are the most susceptible to overlook new opportunities. Peripheral is about establishing an unwavering curiosity to use your existing knowledge in uncovering new patterns and trends both for the sake of your personal development as well as the success of your business or career.

Passion makes us myopic. We become so focused on the desire inside us, we lose sight of whats around us. Objectivity the ability to see the world as it truly is atrophies in the blinding light of passion.

Adopting a peripheral perspective forces us to examine the margins. It widens our view. Rather than rush headlong into disaster, were able to spot not just the pitfalls but the opportunities we would have otherwise missed.

How? By cultivating curiosity. Questions like, What am I missing? What am I ignoring? Who could give me a fresh take? are vital in every area of life. Likewise, so is putting ourselves in new situations, reading books outside our passions, and intentionally pursuing people who have nothing to do with what it is we think we want.

7. Not passion, perseverance

Brian D. Evans, founder of Influencive and Inc. 500 Entrepreneur:

The person who calls themselves a student is more a master than those who try to wear the title. Get up when you get knocked down. Come back stronger, faster, and (above all) smarter. The constant desire to learn and overcome has helped me achieve everything. You must persevere.

Although it might sound odd, perseverance is as much about putting in effort as it is battling ego. Drunk on passion, masters are doomed to repeat failures in the name of pushing through. In contrast, students do more than hone their craft; they learn from their mistakes.

Asked if the Patriots historic comeback in Super Bowl LI was his greatest game ever, Tom Brady replied: [W]hen I think of an interception return for a touchdown, some other missed opportunities in the first 37, 38 minutes of the game, I dont really consider playing a good quarter-and-a-half, plus overtime as one of the best games ever but it was certainly one of the most thrilling.

Certainly Brandy persevered, and itd be nice if that guaranteed success. But sometimes you wont come back to win it. At least, not in the moment. Jobs will be lost. Pitches turned down. Relationships ended. And reviews harsh.

Failure, however, isnt just an inevitable stepping stone toward success. Rejection is part of success itself. As Louis CK put it to a budding comedian, The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time and, if you dont give up, you will get better.

Is passion a bad thing?

Understood rightly, no. But as the be-all-and-end-all? Yes.

Cal Newports prescription was skill: passion is the result of excellence, not its source.

Far from a magic bullet, passion can mislead us, blind us, and even turn us in on ourselves. Newport was right: Follow your passion might just be terrible advice. Thankfully, these seven habits put passion in its place so that the fire Jobs spoke of doesnt burn out but endures.

Aaron Orendorff is the founder of iconiContent and a regular contributor at Entrepreneur, Lifehacker, Fast Company, Business Insider and more. Connect with him about content marketing (and bunnies) on Facebook or Twitter.

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