#cause its just shit my mom wants to tell me and everythings awful and i want to die 🥰

[todayisafridaynight]

To be fair RGGO Arakawa's son is confirmed either dead or unborn so it's A LITTLE less funny than him raising a normal son looking like that... still funny though I'm obsessed with him...

Speaking of Arakawa, I'm still going nuts about whatever's going on with him in IW. His voice line in the trailer in the trailer was so sweet but he uhhh Isn't Looking Too Sweet in the screenshots...

With Akane being in the game, I really wanna know whose perspective we're remembering him from too, since prior to that it seemed pretty certain it'd be either Jo or Ichiban. It's young Arakawa specifically, so it has to be between Jo and Akane as far as we know. I'm certain Jo has seen him go apeshit, but if Akane has and she fell for him anyway? Way of the Househusband-core... that'd say SO much about her... sooooo true though queen...

You’ll have to sue me because I Forgor the only thing i remembered was that his son Was Not Deranged. Which yeah i guess you cant be deranged if youre dead （＾∇＾）

I DIDNT EVEN HEAR HIS VOICE LINE THO WHAT if it was in the Official story trailer then oops.. lol.. i’ll take your word for it until im fucked enough to actually watch it LOL

Akane’s already a confirmed bamf if her not only booking it out of the hospital right after giving birth and escaping At The Time one of japan’s (or at least kamurocho’s don’t shoot me) most notorious clans to hawaii and then STILL having people after her. ACTUALLY had to get her out of the scene because she would’ve been too powerful otherwise

[ghoastixx]

Horror characters w/ a child in the school musical

Notes: In honor of my school's drama club being shut down and me having to go to my neighboring school. (You can tell I have favorites ;))

Includes: Otis Driftwood, Baby Firefly, Mama Firefly, Choptop Sawyer, Billy and Stu, Carrie White, Hannibal Lecter (and Will Graham), Beetlejuice, Micheal Myers (A bit RZ), The Lost Boys,

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Otis Driftwood

The fact that you even have to go to school is a problem to him. With his whole "I hate rules" get up, did you really think he'd want you going to some crummy government public school? He literally hates everything about it..

But... it would be suspicious if you didn't go to school, considering some people in the neighboring town knew there was a kid in the house..

When you bring up wanting to be in your school's musical?

He's all for it, wether you're a little kid or a teenager, surprisingly.

I think he'd be into the idea since he himself is very artsy, he sees it as his kiddo trying to express themselves, and he's all for it.

Especially if you are also in charge of the set (My school's was five people so I always did set), he's so excited to see what you come up with, even if it boringly lacks and pain and suffering.

He won't clean up to come watch it, he will genuinely show up with his matty white hair under his oddly stained cowboy hat, his 'burn this flag' tank top, dirty boots.. he gets odd looks, no one sits next to him or the family, murmuring that they stink.

he's so proud.

"______, do you know who that guy in the front row who keeps grimacing is in the cowboy hat? He's scaring off our audience,"

"That's my dad :)"

Baby Firefly

Oh, she is EXCITED

As a performer herself, coughcoughthefloorshowcoughcough,

If this is a highschool show, she gets into alllll the drama. All the petty fights, tantrums, affairs going on, all the juicy shit that happens during musical season. Perfect person to bitch with about it.

She will come to every single one of the shows, she tells people to come constantly.

She'd have you practice in front of victims as an "audience,"

She is so thrilled, this is the funnest thing ever to her.

Gushes over the costumes

If you don't get a lead you really wanted, she is just as petty as you are about it.

Opening night, she'll give you a boquet of flowers she totally didn't steal before hand.

The best drama mama!

"She's such a bitch, who's she think she is, huh? You deserved that role much more than them, god what a whore."

"Tell me about it,"

Mama Firefly

Aw, she thinks its so dear.

It's been a long time since she had a little one in the home, she's excited to do things that actually make her feel like a mom again.

Supports you in any way you need, practice running late? She's packed you a sandwich and an extra water. Need help going over a scene? Well, she'll try her damn best!

I feel she'd be the type of mom to help make her kids costume if it fell on the kids shoulder

She is so excited to see it when it comes time, she drags R.J, Otis, and Baby (sorry Tiny) out of the home to go see it

She dresses up all nice and fights her way to the front row

She cheers loudly for you.

"Do we have to be here?" Otis grumbled, "Yes, this is your little sibling, now hush it's startin'"

Chop-Top Sawyer

Oh god it's a mess,

it's not that he's not excited, he's very excited his spitfire is into music just like him

but that's the problem, he's too excited.

It's not like he can just... come and watch-

He's not exactly normal, y'know.

Now this could go two different ways,

1. He doesn't go watch, but makes Drayton go and record it so he can watch it himself (if he cares enough by then)

2. He goes and causes a scene and you both just blame it on his Vietnam PTSD which gets you both a lot of sympathy points.

If he does get to go, he freaks a lot of people out. He wears his wig, assuming they replaced his Sonny Bono wig, but is constantly digging at his plate with his tongue just..sticking out. Plus he talks funny and stinks and- god people are trying to figure out who this loud creeper is and why he's here..

Then they see him at the end of the show...standing with you. Gossip spreads quickly..

Some who refuse to believe it, mistake Drayton as your father at the end of the show.

"Hello, I'm assuming your ______'s father? I wanted to tell you just how talented-" "Oh! Hey Mister Johnson, I see you've met my uncle Drayton," "Uncle?" "Yeah, this is my dad," "Oh...Uhm..." "Hi *heavy breathing*" "Forgive him, he's still adjusting from 'Nam."

Billy and Stu

They are both so incredibly normal about your interests

So I'm like conflicted cause one part of me wants to believe that they don't really care all that much but the other part of me that recognizes them as huge nerds is wielding a sword.

Shut up, Stu had a musical phase in middle school, FIGHT ME.

Stu is definitely more excited than Billy is

and it's not that Billy's not excited, Stu just shows it more than Billy.

100% flexible with your schedule, they take turns dropping you off and picking you up if you can't drive.

Stu uses it as an excuse to get out of stuff.

"Sorry, can't, gotta take chick-pea to practice tonight, yeah sooo sorry."

Billy is the type to get volunteered by you if big pieces of the set need done and no one else will do it.

He'll grumble, but it will be done.

Stu donates a lot of money towards the program, half in attempts to get the director to favorite you and give you parts you want.

Stu and Billy come to every show, all of them, without fail.

This is important to you, and you're important to them, so this is important to them.

Stu is so hype on opening night, giving you a pep-talk all day before you go to get ready.

They are so proud of you when the show is over, and will both help you out of that after show slumps.

"C'mon baby, what was the name of the lead your the understudy for?" "Kelly?" "No, Chick-pea, the name of the actor..." "Guys- no."

Carrie White

stop she's so proud of you,

even if you don't end up with a big part, she's so proud that you have the confidence to do something she would have never dared to of done when she was young.

She might even be involved? I could see her making costumes- I mean, she made her prom dress and that shit was stunning.

I think she'd be more partial to you doing activities such as music or band or some form of art over sports.

The arts are just a lot less dangerous than sports, she just wants you to be safe. But she also wants you to be happy.

She will come to every single show,

She'd be the mom to help you go over lines if you needed to as well, or offer to try and help practice a dance you needed to learn.

She definitely cries watching you up on stage,

will get you the prettiest flowers and tell all your co-stars that they did such a good job.

"Mama, can you help me with this scene? I just need you to read for Yente," "Of course honey, where do you want me to start?:)"

Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham,

First off, you go to a private school. No kin of Lecter's is going to be caught dead in a public school.

He is rather thrilled when you mention performing for the school, he does love the arts after all.

Whatever you want and or need, singing lessons, dancing lessons, acting classes, whatever you want.

He will dress up for the occasion, he brings Will as well who is way under dressed, but it's always nice to see him.

I don't think Hannibal would come to every show, sometimes his appointments run late, he has a lot to do, but he will come if you have a parents night and he will come see the opening show.

If anything, Will might try and make all of them if you two are close, he knows what it's like not to have a parent show up to something so important.

Hannibal would make food for a cast party if you had one after.

No there are no people in it.

Hannibal has DVD's of all of the shows you have ever done and whips them out ALL THE TIME... The first time Will even heard of you-

"Hannibal, what are all these DVD's? Why are they labeled '_____'?" "Hm? Oh. _______ is my child, those are their performance videos." "you have a kid-" "They do musical theater, sit down, we shall watch the films." "you have...a kid-"

Beetlejuice

He's actually so upset that he can't come watch your show physically.

It's okay- there's a recorded version for him. He'll feel less bad.

He LOVES performing so this is actually perfect, but of course it is! You're his little ghoul.

He actually already knows the whole show so he is very good at helping you practice.

"Aw- toots- you're almost as good as me. Almost."

Micheal Myers (Slight RZ)

Like most things, he's indifferent.

Good luck getting him to come see even one of your shows.

He shows interest in your little hobby when you talk about it, sit next to him and talk about the show as he makes his masks. He listens.

Now.. If he does come see a show? He will only see one, most likely the last one as they are less packed (less likely anyone will recognize him,)

He'll wear a medical mask, his hair mostly covering the rest of his face, he sits in the very back.

He's slightly warmed at just how much the act meant to you.

Your director will approach you after seeing you hug the very tall man with the long hair and covered face, as he just pat you haphazardly on the head before leaving.

"______, someone you know?" "uh huh, that's my dad." "Your dad.. huh.. he seems very quiet." "Yeah, he don't say very much. I didn't think he was gonna come." "Well, I'm glad he did." "yeah, me too."

The Lost Boys

obviously, if you're going to school, you're a human still.

The only way they could come see your show would be if it was late in the evening, and they would probably show up late.

They're very happy for you and want to support you! It's just difficult with them being vampires.

Paul and Marko definitely get a kick out of acting out scenes from your script with you.

Dwayne is interested in the storyline, he also enjoys watching you act. You're in your element, it's like you're a different person.

David, on the other hand, is just amused that you're into all this stuff. It's not that he thinks its dumb or anything, he thinks you do a great job, it's just not really his scene, y'know.

But, you're their baby bat, they'd literally do anything for you, so as you're up on stage during the third song and see a blur of leather jackets and mullets sitting in the back, you can't help but smile.

"God- why are the guys from the board walk here." "They're my family :)" 'HUH-"

[dwntwn-strnlo]

Hi i can’t take any medication for migraines because they don’t do anything for me so would I be able to get an imagine about Matt comforting and caring for the reader and doing anything he can think of to help her pain? Much love

thank you sm for the request!!! love you ❤️

STAY GOLD, PONYBOY matt sturniolo

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 𝓈𝒾𝓃𝒸𝑒𝓇𝑒𝓁𝓎, dwntwn-strnlo.

↳ 𝐀/𝐍. im actually in love w this ALSO ive never had a migraine (sorry 😪🤑) but my mom gets them a lot so i just based this off what she does ig

↳ 𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆. matthew sturniolo x reader

↳ 𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘. request!

↳ 𝐑𝐄𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐃? yes!

↳ 𝐂𝐖! migraines,,, + spoilers?? from The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton

,,, this takes a passage from The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. i did not write or publish The Outsiders, and I'm not affiliated with at all.

the second you opened your eyes you felt sick. you roll over to find matt propped up against the headboard, lazy eyes as he watches his phone.

the curtains were shut, but you could still tell it was dark out.

your eyes wince shut at the brightness of matts phone in the unlit room.

"hey, its only like two am, i thought you were going to sleep?" matt queries, his attention drifting from his phone to you. you open your eyes and reach out for his phone, turning it off before you look at him.

your head was pounding hard enough you ought your brain was to jump out of your skull. the pain already threatened to form tears in your eyes.

"love?" matt furrowed his eyes at you.

it seemed as if the light blue of his eyes was bright enough to enhance your migraine, though they aren't.

you burry your head into the pillow next to matt. scared to speak out of fear of throwing up, but you push through it. "i have a migraine." your words are muffled against the pillow case, but he easily catches what you said.

"shit, sweetheart. im sorry." he sighs, bringing a hand over to gently rub your back. "ill be right back with some tea and medicine."

bringing your hands up to your temples, you lightly circle them with your fingers. trying to press the stupid pain away. you nod, and the bed evens out as matt gets up and walks to the door. "i love you, honey, ill be quick I swear."

you just groan into the pillow in response.

the light chuckle that matt let's out rings through your ears. unintentionally causing a little more pain.

but it's like suddenly you can hear everything.

like the faintest whispers that come from the kitchen as matt seemingly ran into one of his brothers.

the conversation is hushed, but it's still there.

after a few more minutes of rubbing the hell out of your temples, you turn your head to watch matt walk in with the red mug you got him for valentines day. presumably filled with the tea he said he was going to make you.

he sets it down on the nightstand by your head, leaning down to press a quick kiss on your cheek before walking into the bathroom. making sure to close the door before turning the light on.

you sit up, slightly wincing at the feeling that you pretend is your brain smacking repeatedly against your skull.

the painted ceramic is slightly hot when you pick it up, but you still put it up to your lips. basking in the taste of your favorite tea.

the bathroom light shuts off with a gentle click! before matt walks out holding various inflammation pill bottles and whatever he could scoop off the cabinet shelf.

he sets them down on the nightstand, before sitting on the bed next to you.

you smile as his eyes light up, an idea popping in his head. "do you want me to read to you?"

a small giggle escaped your lips. in the nicest way possible, matts dyslexia is almost as awful as his handwriting. but yet there's something so soothing about listening to him read or try to read what's sprawled out on the pages of a book you haven't picked up in a while. so you nod, smiling at the brunet.

he smiles back before sliding open the drawer beside you. pulling out the outsiders. you read the book for school when you were 13ish, and when you saw it at the neighborhood book box you just had to grab it. you made it about three quarters through before you forgot about it and let it collect dust in your boyfriends room.

you take your select pills before turning to matt. who flips through the book, waiting for you. from your knowledge, matt never read the outsiders so him jumping into the middle of the book should be a sight.

matt scooted up to prop himself up against the headboard, motioning for you to lay down.

you set your tea down, and lay down. wrapping yourself around matts torso and laying your head on his chest. trying your best to match his breathing.

"shit, your far along," he mumbles, mostly to himself. but you can't help but smile. he scans the page before going to where your sticky note lays against the thin paper.

he takes in a soft breath before starting to read aloud the words. ""we won, dally panted. we beat the so-"" he pauses, staring at the word. "socks? what the fuck."

you laughed, "socs. it's pronounced soshes."

"oh." he huffs, "'we stomped them-chased them outta our territory.' johnny didn't even try to grin at him. 'useless . . . fightings no good. . . ." he was awful white.' dally licked his lips nervously. 'they-theyre still writing editorials about you in the paper. for being a hero and all."" matt furrowed his eyebrows at the page. "what did johnny do?"

"he and ponyboy saved-"

"ponyboy?! for real?" he cuts you off. "ain't no way that's this kids name."

you laugh, burying your face in his neck. looking back up to matt, you find a look of pure confusion sitting against his blue eyes. "im serious. there's also a kid named sodapop and another named two-bit."

he gasped, "your lying."

you shake your head with a smile. "just keep reading, kid."

an exasperated sigh escapes his lungs, followed by an over dramatized eye roll. "he was talking too fast and too calmly. 'yeah, they're calling you a hero now and heroine- huh?"

lifting yourself up slightly, you find where he's confused and laugh to yourself. "heroizin' all the greasers."

"that's not a real word."

"well it was in the 60s, baby." you smile.

he searches your eyes in disbelief. "this is why I don't read." he groans, turning back to the book. "johnny's eyes glowed. dally was proud of him. that was all johnny had ever wanted. 'ponyb-'"

he cuts himself off when he reads the name. "jesus christ you were serious."

you laugh lightly. the pounding in your head still not calming down, but matts inability to focus is enough to distract you just a little.

"'i barely heard him. i came closer and leaned over to hear what he was going to say."

he stops reading when you unconsciously brace yourself, knowing what the next line is going to be.

"what? is something wrong?"

you sigh, "no, this part just makes me sad."

"oh," he frowns. now scared to keep reading himself. he takes in a deep breath, no idea what he should be preparing himself for. "'stay gold, ponyboy. stay gold . . .' the pillow seemed to sink a little, and johnny died."

you frown. this part made you cry when you read in class.

"shiiiiiiiiit." matt gasps. "bro really just died."

his reaction makes you laugh. you egg him on to continue reading, until you somehow ignore your migraine and fall asleep in matts arms. his softly uttered words of confusion and slight annoyance putting you right to sleep.

TAGLIST

@slvt444smvt @thetriplets3 @stxrniqlo

[emycantconsentrate]

solitaire Ranttttt

I love this book and I've read it at least 30 times. i just want to say before I start that these are my personal opinions about the book.

I know i said I've read it a lot but i still don't know everything so please don't get mad if i get any facts incorrect.

Solitaire starts as Victoria (tori) Spring is starting school after x-mas or winter break. Tori lives with her mom, dad, and two brothers, Charlie and Oliver. Charlie, who is also in the heartstopper comics, struggles with an ED. I truly think that this effects Tori's life a lot. I know its not Charlies fault but I'm sure tori is almost constantly worrying about him. Tori and her mother don't get along very well. I'm not entirely sure why they don't but i think they touch more on that fact in This Winter. I've read it but it was a long time ago and i really need a reread.

on a different note. I've been needed to talk about this but none of my friends care enough. This is a controversial opinion but i hate Becky. she is such a bitch to tori and i just can't stand her. i know most of the time when tori and her would fight it would be when Becky is drunk but that doesn't make anything she has done right. she dated Ben Hope, one of the worst people in the universe of solitaire. i guess i don't really have a true reason to hate her accept for the fact that i have had friends like Becky. its all fine and its a beautiful friendship, then out of nowhere they go behind you and become friends or start dating someone that isn't a good person. they don't know they are a bad person and you do. and if you try to tell them that they are a bad person they either don't care or they don't believe you. I truly don't get why people like Becky. this is way too much but I'm going to do it any way. I'm going to analyze one of their fights.

pages 226-228 Solitaire

Becky was kissing Ben Hope after 100% knowing how awful of a person he was and still is to her best friends little brother. Tori sees this happening at the Solitaire party and is furious. which is completely reasonable because of how actually nasty he is.

after ben walks off Becky asks tori what she's looking at. in the next bit tori just goes off on her saying stuff like "you are a nasty bitch," and "you just don't care, do you?"

"that's it isn't it? I'm you naive little friend whose sad little life makes you feel better about yourself. well, you're absolutely spot-on there. I haven't got a single clue about anything. But you know what i do know? I know when someone is being a nasty bitch. Go ahead and cry your little crocodile tears if you want to. You don't fucking care at all do you?" this is a rant Tori goes on while arguing. This leaves Becky absolutely speechless.

"well- you- you're the one being a nasty bitch! Jesus Christ just calm down." After Becky says this Tori tells the reader that, i quote, "this is bad. I need to stop. I can't" Tori is now aware that she can't help was she says anymore. She no longer trust Becky. She no longer has a "BFF". Becky has betrayed her.

Tori continues to yell at Becky. "I'm sorry - do you have any comprehension of the level of betrayal you have just reached? Do you have any concept of friendship? I didn't think it was possible for someone to be that selfish, but clearly i've been wrong all this time" Tori is very very upset now and then says " You've killed me. You've literally killed me."

Becky has single handedly DESTORYED Tori. Becky is awful, and of course she just tells her to calm down. she literally was just making out with a boy that SA'd HER BEST FRIENDS BROTHER! and she knew he did it. which is ACTUALLY INSANE!!!!!

just the amount of betrayal and shit she caused makes be fucking sick to my stomach. yeah i do know that its a fake story and they aren't real people. it's just the fact that people like Becky do really do shit like this. I can't believe people are actually capable of stuff like this.

i really need to shut up but i have two more quotes from Tori then I'll stop.

"You have solidly proven that everyone and everything is shit. well done. Gold star. please delete yourself from my life."

" i am gone. I am gone. I guess everyone is like this. Smiles, hugs, years together, holidays, late night confessions, tears, phone calls, one million words - they don't mean anything. Becky doesn't care. No one really cares."

thank you for listening/reading

[wayward-asshole]

what courtney love means to me, and why shes so important to me:

courtney has always stood for the exact opposite of what she's supposed to.

im gonna be really fucking vulnerable in this post and talk about what courtney means to me, why shes such an important figure in my life, and why i just feel like she gets me. tws here: suicide, self-harm, abuse, sexual abuse, sexual assault, mental abuse. brief mentions, nothing in depth.

i endured some fucked up shit as a kid, stuff i wouldnt wish upon my worst enemy. ive watched my mother try to kill herself. i got the shit beat out of me as a kid, i watched my mom get the shit beat out of her, i was sexually assaulted.

when i found hole, early this year, i had just got out of one of the worst relationships ever. i needed a change, and i needed it fast. i told myself i wasn't going to be walked all over anymore. i told myself i was done putting up a front of being nice and sweet, because deep down i knew i wasnt.

i discovered hole, i started deep diving on courtney because then the only reason i knew about her was because of kurt. and i fell in love.

i finally realized my potential. i started sticking my for myself more, when back then i only stood up for others. i started to realize that i liked being a bitch. i enjoyed making everyone else fucking uncomfortable because i was loud and i took up space and i stood up for myself and others.

courtney inspired me so much that i started writing songs again. at the time i hadnt written songs since i was a kid, like. a LITTLE kid. but i started writing again.

ive written two songs inspired by courtney or hole songs. one is inspired by softer, softest and its titled wood. its about my childhood, and its about childhood abuse. specifically being whipped with a paddle. a repeating line in it is "pee girl gets the wood" because every time my disability caused me to wet the bed, i would get paddled.

another is about courtney and how she inspired me, how i interpreted the song babydoll to be about girl that courtney couldnt stand because she put up a nice girl front, and how i was sick and fucking tired of being babydoll. i was fucking done with being babydoll. i used to be quiet, i used to just go along with everything everyone did. but not anymore. i am not going to be babydoll once again, i will forever be the violent bitch i am now.

one of the lines in it refrences the "i want every girl in the world to pick up a guitar and start screaming" quote, saying "courtney i listned to you/i picked up a guitar and now im screaming/i wish you could tell me where to go/i dont know where to go from here."

i relate to courtney on so many levels. she gets me. i almost lost one of my (now ex) boyfriends to suicide last year, i still wet the bed because of my disability, and i was the pee girl. i was the girl that smelled like piss every fucking day. i have an awful mother, my dad was never there.

courtney taught me how to be a fucking bitch and every day i become more and more thankful for her. courtney love taught me how to say no. courtney love is for the girls with violent moodswings. courtney love taught me how to love the dark parts of myself. courtney taught me how to hold my own hand, she taught me how to put on my best sunday dress and walk proudly through all my messes.

you can be a disaster and be beautiful. you will walk through flames with your head held high. you will live through this too, you have to. prove everyone wrong, not right. dont give up on yourself, be a fucking bitch.

reblog this with what courtney means to you PLEASE tell me in depth what she means to you i want to know.

[thewickerking]

im eating this entire container of gelato idgaf. day one of my period and it sucks ass plus its been over two hours since i sent my text to who should be the assisstant manager at my job if this stupid application stuff works out and the electricity bill is due and i literally have zero dollars in my account ($1 in savings!) and my apartment is hounding one of my roommates to have me on the lease but i dont have paystubs from my job yet because i havent worked a shift yet and im worried they wont accept my apartment application and my testosterone perscription wasnt fucking accepted by insurance despite it being accepted last time so i dont have needles for this week and foreseeable weeks (started t late so i still have some actual testosterone for a few weeks but that doesnt matter if i cant inject it) and my last weekly scheduled plans got cancelled cause my friends were sick and i MISS THEM SO BAD and it feels like almost all of my relationships are falling apart and im kind of growing to resent my roommates and i keep getting terrible sleep and shitty nightmares and i dont have enough stupid savings for guaranteed sunday and i saw my brother yesterday and it seems like the only people that cate that he clearly has an eating disorder is me and i cant stop him and i cant help him and i watched him vomit up his meal and everytime we talk he asks me why i left him alone and tells me he cant take it and he is constantly fighting urges to be violent with our mom and my mom asked if i wanted to spend holidays with the family and i kind of really dont want to like at all and was hoping to have no plans (and hopefully my roommates will be busy and not home) but that sounds kind of miserable and lonely and ive been feeling nothing but miserable and lonely for months GOD IM SO FUCKING LONELY. IM SO LONELY ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY I DONT FEEL LIKE A PERSON ANYMORE. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE I CANT GO ON LIKE THIS. but i must and i will :| i cant maintain text conversations for shit im so awful with digital communication but i have to initiate everything if i ever expect to spend time with my friends but every single goddamn time i do i go home feeling hollow and worse than before ive always felt a little lonely sure but since losing friends over my attempt it just reaffirms that no person will ever love me unconditionally and im hurting everyone around me and fucking god. im so lonely. my friends love me but i dont know why i dont feel it i know its there and everytime someone touches me in any way i have to stop myself from sobbing because i need phsyical affection so bad but it feels like ill die everytime i recieve it and i dont deserve it i dont deserve anything

[hotsugarbyglassanimals]

parental venting ✌️

Took years for my mom to rebuild her goodwill for me after subjecting me to complete hell as a teen and then undid it within 3 months cause her trauma around drugs made her using weed to self medicate. For the record, her self medicating made her stop being a complete nightmare towards me. when my sister still lived with us, she and I basically had to keep hammering it in to her how vicious she gets without it.

I literally begged her in tears to either find some alternate treatment method (like ADHD meds) or keep self medicating cause I couldnt live with her being so nasty towards me again, cause holy shit I dont even know how I survived it in my teen years. I didn’t even know how deep her trauma went past “I worked as a pharmacist in the 80’s/90’s and I saw people on medications getting worse, and I dont believe people should be on drugs for their entire lives” until she cried yelled at me about how she had to save her aunt from an overdose … I had no idea about that. I (and my sister) wouldnt have pressed so hard about her getting ADHD meds if I knew but she never *said* anything. She didn’t tell me her pain was worse with weed (we talked about it more later and it was basically removing the filter for the pain)

But beyond that she said she’s never doing therapy again, that she is finding herself and will be meditating on answers, and that she won’t change because I want her to cause everyone has dictated what she should be… I was literally trying to stop her from fucking everything up between us again. She would always complain before about how I never talk to her during and after my teen years and its like. You did this. This is of your own making. And I was trying to stop it again, but she cannot grasp the concept of others wanting better for her or wanting to take care of her. She literally didn’t understand why my sister wanted to offer financial support and make sure she has a safety net.

God even when I was a teen it was like. You dont understand why I leave messes? Why I never “try” my absolute hardest? Why my hygiene is awful? Why I go to bed at 2 am and why I start my homework at 11 pm? Why I always felt tired (not sleepy exhaustion, but fatigue)? I told her it was ADHD, that I should get a diagnosis, but she didn’t want to put me on “meth” and that I should just build a routine and make schedules. Not listening when I told her it feels impossible. Then yelling at me and calling me lazy lazy lazy.

I know she was dealing with intense stress cause my dad was an emotionally cheating bastard, but god. I became suicidal for fucks sake. Nevermind the fact I was dating my ex which is a whole other can of worms but. Why scream at your child that you never got to assert your own identity because you were frustrated that they said “they” when you called them “she”, as an example. That’s just a microcosm of it all.

She isn’t nearly as bad now but I shouldn’t start disassociating and actually contemplate offing myself cause I messed up and made another inedible recipe ,

I dont know how much longer childhood attachment up until age 13 can carry this relationship

[cogbreath]

how many times do i have to try to explain to my mom thst my father is an abusive piece of garbage and i dont agree its sad he likes 2 wallow in self hatred like lady do you forget i (or my alter rather) told you i wanted to kill him like no jokes kill him with a knife or something. like pleasseeeee stopppp witht the excuses he will never be nice why r u inventing reasons that he "doesn't understand" or "he forgets" because hes getting old like no that's nothing new hes always been that way ans its because he doesnt care and he wants to punish u for not being the stepford wife he expects or w/e idk idc. dude is actually what the kids call a protocel like hes a disgusting awful misogynist stop trying to feel bad for him it only makes things worse for you not to say that i have it any better with my spite and apathy but youd be better off with it. like u ask me how to make it so everything he does stops hurting u so much i dont knwo what to tell you anymore its not ur fault but it's frustrating that u keep asking me but u dont seem to actually listen like idk you want a reality where for some reason its u that's the problem and somehow he has some form of innocence when that will never be the case like idk i cant make that the truth and im not cool with pretending that shit.

im actually so tired of it dawg he deserves 0 sympathy he feels 0 remorse for anything hes ever done and you know this because he will just try 2 gaslight u into thinking it didnt happen hes literally a lost cause hes hopeless just like evrry piece of garbage man like him and they r lonely and unwanted for a REASON! u are not a hero for trying to be The One you're disrespecting yourself

ya allah please punish every man like this accordingly you and i both know they deserve no mercy no forgiveness

[butteredcrackers]

A little vent ig?

life is very, very stressful right now for me, and my extreme executive dysfunction is not helping. I currently cannot get a therapist or medication for my severe depression related to trauma, and its making me spiral. I just found out all my friends think I'm fucking annoying and have thought that for months, and this month has been stressful because they finally showed what awful people they are and I pointed it out and said what they did was fucked up so I'm the bad guy now. I dyed my hair recently and it looks like trash and I feel really bad cause my mom did it and I appreciate her so much cause she did it while sick, but I feel so ugly. I have to learn 2 extremely complicated pieces if music that I've been putting off for so region, and this doesn't count Christmas concert music, and I'm getting lost in pulling assignments and teachers who think I have the time to spend every waking second of my day on their class alone. I'm not practicing my all region music cause when I get home I just fall to the floor and sit there until its 10pm and I'm like "oh shit I need to sleep" then u fucking stay up still, not getting good sleep, and I keep forgetting to take my meds to make me sleep. I don't know who's my friend and who's not, and now I'm so worried that I'm annoying people that I'm scared to talk to my best friend even though I know she doesn't hate me at all but what if she does what if she hates me. What if I'm really as annoying as they say I am? Did they really hate me for this long? Am I that unbearable to be around? Why did they fake it and be so nice to me? Why did she still say she loved me when she found me so fucking annoying and wasn't attracted to me at all? I want everything to stop. Its too much. I can't anymore. Everyone is just out to get me I guess. Everything is too much. I want to curl up and die. I wish I could just become dormant and rot away, nobody would notice right? Since they all fucking hate me, right? They called me autistic, said that I wasn't autistic and was doing it for attention, when I never called myself autistic. They were the ones who called me autistic and crazy when we were friends. Sure I hate noted at it and said I needed to probably get evaluated but if someone said I was autistic I denied it heavily. Because I don't want to be seen as faking it for attention. I'm so over everything. I kinda just wanna die but I don't because mom thinks people who kill themselves are selfish narcissists and I don't want her to see me that way. This is really long I'm so sorry if you get this on your dash. but it's so much I just need to let it out it might help. God im just so done. Im.burnt out. And I can't take a day off or I'm not exempt from exams anymore. Will someone take me out. God please will someone tell me its ok and they love me. I just need a hug. A really really long one. I need someone to tell me they love me. And that they care for me.

[inutaffy]

🧍🧍🧍

im not sorry. im pulling up a chair and you will be stuck here for a millennia

SO. NUMBER 1. “do you know why you’re leader of this team?” “well uh yeah. bc i asked to be? u said it wasnt bc of my skills.” THIS RIGHT THE FUCK HERE. OKAY. BITCH.

LEO ALREADY HAD SO MANY DOUBTS ABT BEING LEADER MAN ITS AWFUL. LIKE. FUCK. and this isnt to say that leo is like confident in his abilities bc HE IS. HE REALLY IS HE KNOWS HE’S GOOD WHEN HE NEEDS TO BE but like that doesn’t immediately get rid of the feelings of inadequacy, ESPECIALLY after he got beat down by shredder in s2 and the earth got destroyed in s3

to him, he’s just leader bc he asked to be, nothing special abt it. its not bc he’s the smartest or the strongest or fastest. he just asked and splinter said lmao sure why not (LISTEN I KNOW THAT THAT WASNT REALLY SPLINTERS REASONING. leo was always gonna end up as leader bc he IS GOOD AT IT. he knows how to lead n he’s inspiring or whatever but he doesnt say this to leo until later) so to him there’s NOTHING STOPPING HIM FROM BEING REPLACED IF BE SCREWS UP ONE TO MANY TIMES. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? IT LITERALLY MAKES EVERYTHING MAKE SENSE. like the shift in how he views leadership after s1. how he CONSTANTLY sacrifices himself for the cause bc WHAT ELSE IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN THINGS SPIRAL OUT OF HIS CONTROL?? just. dude. i fucking hate this. he sacrifices himself at any minor inconvenience (not really but 😐) and i hate that it makes since. he is only leader bc he asked, there isnt some special skill keeping him in this position (THERE IS. the others would be soo screwed if he wasnt leader. they’d make it obviously but DAMN) so he’s easily replaceable, and if something goes wrong to the point where he needs to REALLY get his shit together and DO SOMETHING TO FIX IT, HE SACRIFICES HIMSELF. BC WHAT ELSE IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO. he does it when they had to destroy the technodrome, he does it when he goes to fight shredder alone, he does it when they needed to get that black hole generator piece from that one lady, and he does it when trying to destroy the triceraton mothership. its the worst thing in the whole fucking world

number 2. “i knew that one day you would grow up to be the leader of this team, and when I pass on to be like a father as well.” OUGH. this hurts me so much. this is damn near the center of a good chunk of raph and leo’s fighting. not ALL of it obviously bc they’ve got their own stuff to work out but this definitely plays a part bc above all he wants leo to be HIS BROTHER. not his dad. NEVER HIS DAD. leo IS NOT their fucking dad and when he tries to act all high and mighty it IRRITATES HIM. WHICH IS SO VALID BC WHY ARE YOU THE WAY THAT YOU ARE. STOP. SERIOUSLY. WHO ARE YOU. yk? like fuck. he doesnt want leo to parent them dammit. imagine your dad dies or something and then your older brother is trying to fill that gap instead of taking time to GREIVE

AND TBH. I DONT THINK SPLINTER MEANT IT LIKE THAT EITHER. splinter probably meant this in a “when i die i trust you to take care of this family and be there for each other and support each other” way. not in a SINGLE MOM WHO WORKS TWO JOBS WHO LOVES HER KIDS WND NEVER STOPS WITH GETNLE HANDS AND THE HEART OF A FIGHTER IM A SURVIVOR kinda way

this gets lost in translation tho bc leo totally takes this and runs in the opposite ducking direction for a while which just

NUMBER 3. AND THEN WHEN SPLINTER OFFERS HIM SOME ADVICE/WISDOM LEO JUST. HE CLOSES HIS EYES AND SHAKES HIS HEAD AND TELLS HIM THAT EVERYTHING IS FINE. YOU ARE FINE. BC HE NEEDS THIS TO BE TRUE LIKE. ISNT THAT JUST AWFUL? you watch your dad get killed in front of you, then you go back in time and save him, only for him TO STILL DIE. that is AWFUL MAN.

“i dont get it, you’re fine father. is there something your not telling me?”

I HATE EVERYTHING. leo is dodging EVERY hint that his dad could die soon, he refuses to even entertain the idea. like at all. and its so fuckinf sad bc he is clinging to this hope that no matter what everything will work out fine just like it did before, they’re going to come out on the other side bruised but whole, and it HURTS bc that is not what happens at all. splinter is still killed right in front of them and they carry his body away and bury him and that’s it. that’s fucking it and it’s TERRIBLE.

and its not just awful bc of that its awful bc splinter is trying so hard to prepare them for this, he knows he died once, and has come close numerous times, so its gotta stick eventually right? so the least he can do is make sure his family isnt without closure yk? he can make it so that he torn from them without any warning or goodbye, without something to remember him by, so he goes and he has a moment with each of them in this season before he gets killed and it hurts me so much bc he’s trying to gently prepare them and its just. ough. OUGH. can we just take these mfckers out of situations ffs

NUMBER 4. THIS SHIT.

HIS FUCKING FACE???? AS THEH WALK AWAY???????? KILL ME NOW PLEASE???????? he literally just wants his family to be ok and theh ARENT and it hurts me so. his brothers and dad look so fucking happy too but just. OUGH. the HORRORS man the horrors are coming

anyways. timestamp 3:25am. this is just my rambling from the first few minutes and these are all the scenes from the clip i tagged u in. we haven’t even gotten to splinters death or what leads up to it yet, things are deceptively calm rn and im so scared

GO TO BED

[videostak]

so sick of having my entire life being dictated by having to accommodate for other ppl who then go to shit on my life even more. like having to watch the doors anytime my dad is in the house having my mom keep every1 up thru out the night and acting oblivious to how someones sleep schedule is affected by the sounds of food being made in a microwave at 12 am or hearing 2hour long drunken phone calls from her room to the hallway to the bathroom to the kitchen etc and having in general let ppl know beforehand what i have planned for a day just so they can reveal that they were never even listening to what i told them or just straight up did not care and do their own random impuse thing that i then have to build my schedule around . like fuuuuuck you. only word on the tip of my tongue atm. genuinely no reason to try to be cooperative or understanding if they dont even ATTEMPT to do the same. i mean atleast i get to sleep in but thats only after they come back at like 1 or 2am. and forget abt me my sister literally works at 10 2mrw and has to get up early to get ready and my mom just shat on that despite my sister telling her immediately she brought up the idea of going somewhere for drinks. i feel so sorry for my cousin who like tries her hardest to be nice or like a inbetween ground just to have my mom creepily vent to her and overall make her feel extremely uncomfortable telling her rly in depth stories and secrets abt ppl who told my mom personal stuff in confidence not thinking my mom would immediately tell absolutely any1 the moment she felt the need to have a conversation. am p sure shes drunk rn cause she sounded very drunk and is just being v loud rn so like im sure she got drunk and then wanted to go to a bar to drink more and not have to worry abt getting caught. :| i mean idk if shell take my sister to work tomorrow but if she is too fucked up too then i guess ill just have to take her. but rly just insanely annoying shit. she refuses to go to therapy or somewhere where u address being dependent on alcohol so i think the only real tangible solution atm is to just give my all to cleaning out her room and then just monitor her like a hospital patient constantly. for the foreseeable future. its hard cause she spends all her time in her room and gets mad when i try to clean it and then my dad gets mad at me when i dont clean it and then when i do clean it my dad gets mad that we dont have any space for half the shit in her room or if we do idk where it goes cause im not even a very good cleaner its just 99% of the stuff falls on me cause no one else does it consistently. so like i just go back and forth at them both giving me shit so fuck everything huh. not in an awful bleak mood but regardless things on both fronts are v bleak. guess im not in an awful mood cause worst case scenario tomorrow i drive my sister to work which gives me more chance to drive and im rly rly looking forward to practicing in my actual manual car... cause its so pretty. so like im not at the end of my rope quite yet and dont think things will get super bleak. worst thing is me losing my job but dont think thats gonna happen quite about yet. and if it does ill atleast have the ability to drive places. so i cant say i didnt grow in some way

[writingreadingdaydreaming]

it’s sooo bad its taken me 2 (almost 3 now) days to reply but i’m here!

first of all, LOVE the idea of declan going through comphet and struggling to come to terms with his sexuality. especially with his slight perfectionism because typically in his mind he can’t strive for perfection AND be in love with other omegas. that’s just not how it works.

i feel so bad for callum and declan not getting on! i mean from declan’s side it just adds to him thinking he’s not doing enough, and it doesn’t help that they argue over callum’s dad who is a piece of shit and doesn’t deserve either of them. i don’t have kids but i have been one and from callum’s side i feel like i can understand why he argues with declan all the time especially over his dad.

like, yeah sure his dad is a piece of shit and is emotionally abusive and all of that (i don’t know if callum sees that side of his dad or not, but kids always know. even if they don’t exactly know what it is, they know when somethings not right) but it’s his mum who just allows all of this to happen who made the choices that had led them to where they are now. in his head it’s probably his mum who has allowed mason to drift away, all the way in manchester where they barely see each other anymore compared to how things were before.

though i’d like to thing mason would take advantage of his injury recovery periods to take a quick trip to london and recover there and hopefully see callum quickly.

but honestly there’s so much to unpack with omega declan! i don’t even know where to start, im just throwing all these words on the page!

also not omega declan related, but i’m quite curious what it is about my typing that gives me away? it’s not that i’m trying to hide (well i’m on anon so that’s kind of ironic) but in curious what typing quirk i have that gives me away because i’ve never thought of it before!

Don’t ever apologise for taking your time to respond - every anon I get is a privilege and I don’t want anyone to forget that. Also I’m sorry I left this in my inbox all day, I have come down super badly with a head cold and I’ve been rotting all day lol

So basically the internalised homophobia that Declan would have would be frankly concerning. Like, think of all the times I’ve talked about Harry Kane struggling with his sexuality and times it by ten, cause there’s a three-way junction of perfectionism, prevalent homophobia in sport and Catholic guilt. There are a few open lesbians/queer omegas in high level football leagues (Mason Mount and Bernardo Silva would be a couple), and it’s slightly more accepted than queer betas/alphas, but it’s still met with major backlash. A backlash that Declan is not ready to deal with. Along with the shame of knowing that his since-passed grandparents might have hung their heads at the thought of having a queer grandchild, Declan just doesn’t have it in him to accept himself and come out. At least not until he’s in his late 20s.

I do actually have an idea about how Callum’s dad stop coming around but it’s pretty long and convoluted so if anyone wants to hear just let me know. But Callum’s dad does eventually stop coming - or more accurately, Declan stop letting him come. Callum has made his wishes clear and as much as it hurts, he has to start saying no to him, cause ultimately it’s Callum above everything.

Mason tries his hardest to still be a force in Declan and Callum’s life. The time he leaves is around the time that Callum gets his own phone for the first time, so they’re able to call each other without Callum worrying about his mom listening in. Callum misses Mason so dearly because sometimes it felt like Mason was more of a mother to him than Declan is.

Sorry this is a bit of an awful reply cause I’m really sick but please tell me more if you want! I love talking about omega Declan so much and I never get bored so please keep it coming cause I love it so much 🥹

Also I can mainly just tell it’s you because (not to sound like a pretentious bitch but) since become like an actual writer, I’ve noticed I can tell people’s little writing quirks a bit easier? Like I can tell it’s you because of how you type in all lowercase and the way you structure your messages (like where you separate words into paragraphs and stuff). I obviously don’t know your exact account lol but I can tell it’s your specific anon. Also if you ever want to chat off anon, please feel free to give me a message! I can go into even more depth about my very expansive Declan Rice (and accompanying teammates and friends) universe lol

[hekkoto]

What a scary monster! I wonder if... I could fuck it? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

hi darklings... I really dont know how much more I can stand ;-; it was waaay easier when I just didnt remembered almost anything cause now even good memories are causing so much pain. Im on spiral of selfdestruction, I drink all the time and take more pills than I should and I know it will end bad if I dont stop. I just cant stand it, I feel so awful. Im trying to make it better, I bought myself ecigarette, one of those you just use and throw away when its empty. Of course I bought one without nicottine cause welp, I dont smoke ;p all I need now is another addiction >XD I did it cause when you smoke you breathe deeper and breathing deeper helps to calm you down. So yeah, Im trying this. It kinda helps. But I guess the most is a lot of support from my husband and I talked with my mom and my parents will pay for my therapy so hopefully it will help me too. Im waiting for psychiatrist appointment to ask for meds for ADHD but also for prescribing therapy and I just want to tell her Im doing awful. Borderline is hell

Last time I was feeling so bad I planned to die before turning 20, now Im not sure if I will live to my 30'.... I gonna keep fighting but I just cant take it anymore. The worst is that no matter how many times people would tell me to stay strong and that Im worth and Im no problem I always feel like the most worthless shit and that Im just a burden to everyone. Wouldnt everyone be happier if I just was gone?

Doing even simpliest task is soooo hard now. Im sorry Im barely online and Im super slow with everything but even brushing my hair is too much ;-; Its so frustrating I cant do anything.... Im really sorry pumpkins you have to wait, I hope it will get better soon cause from bad situation Im in awful one now =,=

But hopefully I will be able to push though it, now when my parents gonna pay for my therapy and I was told by Sims Ytuber that from all donates in August she will be supporting 2 fundraisers and one is mine <3 I hope maybe things will get at least a bit better. I mean, Im in hellish situation so if you could please consider donating to my fundraiser or Kofi >.> or Patreon or anything I would be super grateful. I mean, I have nothing to lose, if things wont get better I gonna die and I guess I just accepted my fate

wanna support my evil dark empire? Im accepting souls on Patreon and Ko-fi! -> Hekkoto Huge thanks to all of my Patrons and people who donate <3

[kusundei]

i dont know what the fuck is up with me today but god do i feel horrible. like i feel bad. not even just like a sad way just like i feel like shit and like. really. pessimistic if anything. like i never rlly get lkke this truly it usually foes away after a while and it probably will in a bit its just. i think my mom is just truly making it worse. its so annoying why are you here? if you werent home i wouldve done all of thjs ebfkre yoy guys came home anyway why are you bothering me over and over again. i hate when people tell me to do rhings which is a really like. bratty thing to say but it makes me so upset??? im so upset for no reason. god and she just wont fucking quit it with the money and the hours and the this and this and this. holding shit over my head like it matters like okay what if i kill myself. and acting over and kver again like im fucking useless and im an idiot and im dumb. you do realize if you want me to improve you have to tell me right? like in the moment? if youre still “teaching me” then tell me AS im driving. why the fuck would you sit there and wait last minute as i make the same mistakes (which are not. even. mistakes.) over and over. like okay im braking too late? tell me when it brake. because it works for me but if thats so awful dor you then let me know. why didnt you mention i didnt have both hands on the wheel? i just do it cuz im going straight. i do it normally anyway but like still if its such an issue then just say so??? but no theyll hold that over my head. “youre not ready yet” “you think you know everything” like okay fuck you. im sorry for trying. for trying to be ahead and to have plans and to take some initiative for once because all you complain about is that i dont ever do anything w my life. i have no plans and im a failure but nooo i cant . cant do anything. im trying?? how hard is that to see??? and they keep using it over me. everytime i see jonathan i just remember what he said about me that night and jts never rlly gone away. like what the fuck is wrong with you??? if it was coming from my mom then sure. fine. whatever. shes my mom but who the fuck are you to say that? you’re fucking awful. you two both make me sick and neither of you can see when youre in the wrong because NEITHER of you are ever in the wrong. youre always right. cause im a kid. i dont grt it i dpnt understand. my life isnt hard im not doing alot like god fucking forbid i am a teenager? im still trying to take initative despite that to place myself in a good place once i graduate but always. i will always get pushed back somehow and its so fucking annoying.

imxjusr sooo. tired. maybe this is what it is i got TOO much sleep. knew it when i went to bed at what??? 11???? thats so early. imcjsuf so annoyed i cant im sorry i dont get more hrs??? and im trying im trying im trying. its just so annoying when i get pestered and patronized and i cant do anyhting about it because ill just be lashed again. like god fucking whatever ill just kill myself. would that fit into yoyr schedule? make yoyr life easier? less bills? less to worry about? since all i do is take up space and waste resources. im wasting everything. im sorry for taking up space. i try so hard not to but nooo i cant completely disappear and it just weighs down soooo much on the two of you. im sorry you have another kid. im sorry liam wasnt your only child and you still have a family. im sorry you didnt jusr send me out to live with my dad or sent me with sam but yoy wouldnt have survived without me but im sorry you didnt find jonathan sooner. yoy two wouldve killed each other and im waiting for the day you two realize that what yoy have isnt normal and you get sick of him the same way you got sick of sam because that man tried everything to appease you. thats why irs so awful because hes so much better than i am. if he couldnt do it what makes me think i can? of course im your kid but still. same shit. i cant jusr flee. i cant go anywhere. im stuck here in the same situation ife been in for years. i jusr kept praying and wishing at some point theyd swap rheir attention towards something else and finally leave me alone. treat me like a roommate. why even bother trying to parent me when youre such an awful one?

i dont like cpndemning ever. especially jot towards my mom but god. god god god. im so exhausted just leave me alone. leave me and move on. focus on spmething else. you’ll realize how much happier yoyd be if you just let it go and let me go. it would benefit all of us why do we keep bothering? and i got it the first time? “do you have any questions?” like bitch? youre so fucking annoying. giggling about the fact youre just getting another bonus cause im working now. fuck yoy and your maternity leave. i would never condemn liam for justexisting that man hasnt done anything and hes not even here yet its just YOU. 16 years with you im sick of it and im tired and feel bad for wjatever is to come for that kid. ans shes just fucking malding over ajd over again i did wjat yoy asked already but no theres always more. more more more because you cant fucking do it yourself . yoyre pregnant whatever i dont fucking care im just so. upset? angry? annoyed? i just feel very negative. im sick of your voice and your face and everything about you. leave me alone. i’ll do it. just do your fucking work????? go bake your cookies like???? fuck off genuinely before i like actually kill myself

[crayondinos]

okay so i just kinda want to word vomit/rant a little and the only person who would be okay with that is like SUPER busy rn now so i don't want to bother them

i've been volunteering for the parks system the next county over and it has been awesome! i haven't told any of the people about the jw stuff and my mom hasn't joined me so they all just know me as an awkward homeschooled kid! i'm terrified of mom or dad telling them about being jehovah's witnesses and ruining what i have going. this is my only connection to the outside world since none of my job applications have gone anywhere and if i lose it...

speaking of the job stuff, i got told that the parks director might want to hire me!!!! most of the jobs available want you to have a drivers license and i'm waiting to get mine till i turn 18 (only 4 months till then btw) so we don't have to pay for classes cause its like 500 dollars.

i have a part tonight. i'm sick of this. i wasted several hours of my life working on it. the worst thing is, well the two worst things ig are 1: i am really proud of how good it is and 2: i'm looking forward to maybe being told that i did good. the last talk i did the chairman said i did 'incredible'. he said it from the stage and i really liked it. i hate that i liked it.

i hate all i have to do to keep up the appearance of being a good jehovah's witness. i hate doing service three to four times a week and doing my bible reading -actually i kind of enjoy the studying but i hate that i have to do it to avoid suspicion- and i hate having to be "neutral" and i hate having to pretend to agree with everyone's political views despite the fact that we are supposed to stay neutral! LIKE NO MR. BROTHER MAN I DONT GIVE A SINGULAR SHIT ABOUT WHOS IN OFFICE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IM NOT FREAKING SUPPOSED TO!!!!!!! i hate that i seem to be the only one acting the way jehovah's witnesses are supposed to when i don't even believe this stuff.

there was a bible study, we'll call them R, who started coming to the congregation my family goes to and mom got really attached to them. then R blocked the person studying with them, my mom and numerous other people. I never got their phone number. R stopped their study. my mom cried alot about it. i had to pretend to be sad but in reality i was so freaking happy. they had just graduated high school and they had short cut purple hair and lots of ear piercings and they did marching band. they gave such gay vibes but i have no idea if they are. we ran into R at the grocery store after the meeting a few weeks ago and they were polite as was mom. mom avoided saying anything about the meeting to make us seem more approachable i guess? thats how she explained it later to me in the car. mom waited until we had walked far enough away and then hugged me, hard, when she pulled away her eyes were wet and i felt like a piece of shit for not caring about what had upset her.

i have a car, my aunt moved across the world to be a need-greater and she gave it to me. i'm paying her back by selling some stuff for her.

i don't like myself. i inherited both my parents anger. i feels like the anger twisted together to create a person whose muscle fibers and bones are made solely from hatred, hatred for others, hatred for myself, hatred for life and for death. hatred for almost everything. i don't want to be shunned by my family. i love my family just as much as i hate them. they are everything to me but i can't live in this awful religion forever. i can't serve a god i despise for my whole life. i can't tell people they will see the people they love alive again when i don't believe it. i can't pretend to agree with the hatred this organization is practically weaved with. im so fucking scared. i'm scared of my family hating me, of my mom, dad, little sisters and little brother not talking to me again. i know my dads not going to live for more then a decade. he has so many health problems. i hate that at his funeral i most likely will not be able to talk to anyone, i know that i will be disfellowshipped once i leave. i'm queer and planning on committing so much "serious sin" and i'm not going to be sorry, not one fucking bit.

i would kms if i wasn't such a coward

[paintedpineleaf]

jesus fuck it feels so fucking weird i hate loving people but i love it but i hate it so much also what the fuck. i don't love them like. romantically. just like platonically. it's way too much tho. i feel like i have way too many issues or something. like somehow the mere action of me loving them is gonna fuck them up.

anyway i was about to fucking tell them everything. mostly cause its late but like what the fuck. it's way too fucking much they'd like block me if i told them any of that. imagine seeing someone as a normal person then like. they just tell you all this fucking shit now it's like you have to walk on eggshells around them. it wouldn't be worth it i dont want them to walk on eggshells around me.

'oh yeah i'm so fucking sensitive and such a prissy that my mom yelled at my sister and i got so fucking overwhelmed my brain shut down and i had to go to my room lock the door and curl up on the floor in the dark to feel better' why the fuck do i even want to tell them that it's fucking stupid oh i fucking feel safe around them they make me happy bla bla bla shut the fuck up i can't fucking afford that what is wrong with me.

'go write in your journal' yeah i actually can't cause when i was 11-14 i used to keep a journal/diary and i'd write every detail of my day and my feelings in them then my mom found them and found that i'd wrote that i wanted to die or kill myself and how i'd commit suicide if it wasn't haram and she got so fucking mad and slapped me and that was the day i stopped writing anything down and to this day i'm so fucking paranoid i keep thinking my parents pay people to be friends with me over the internet so they'd know shit about me and my life and my feelings and i can't trust literally anyone even after i've met them and given them presents and baked them cookies. i try not to talk to myself out loud cause when my sister does it they stand outside her door and listen and i'm fucking terrified they'd do it to me too if they heard me talking to myself.

i try not to let the emotions of those around me affect me but i'm so fucking sensitive i can't fucking help it anytime anyone's slightly upset i get so up in my head over it and start feeling fucking horrible and have to distract myself by doing other things and forcing myself to smile so i don't feel so fucking awful.

i just turned around cause i thought it was way too quiet and thought maybe a parent was standing behind me watching my type all this and was about to kill me. not literally. i'm sitting in my room. with the door closed. that i would hear if it opened. the door's on my side, not behind me.

boo fucking hoo my life is so fucking awful because i get up in my head about everything and constantly feel fucking sorry for myself like a fucking crybaby. anyway this is a good song i love it it's making me feel happy emotions i'm done feeling weird.

i have to go to sleep, the weird feelings are probably caused by how late it is i love this song it's so fun omg