#cause i won't be there for the take down cause i'll be in california!!!!

[clowngremlin]

one of the nights (not my last shift but the one before it), one of my coworkers who's a really tall, skinny guy, and i were tasked with decorating a tree together and he was helping me reach the top of the tree cause we didn't have a ladder, and i was like "u and i are like waluigi and wario cause ur tall and skinny and i'm short and fat" and he thought it was funny

[runoutofsteam]

PLEASE tell me about songs 24, 26 and 49! (and maybe 8 if you can) I'm obsessed with your playlist and feel like I generally understand who each song is about but I'd reaally like to hear your analysis

ooo anon you have picked some absolutely amazing songs and I am always happy to share my thoughts and analysis. I'm so glad you like the playlist, I am constantly tweaking it and adding to it (but I generally try to keep it at 50 songs, so sometimes I take songs off)

24 - Peter by Taylor Swift

I consider this an essential AFTG song. This is Jean's POV on kevjean!! Every little detail of this song scream kevjean to me. I know that Jean says he never expected to leave the Nest, but I think he always had a secret hope that Kevin would come back for him. In a way he did, it wasn't the way Jean wanted it. If the Sunshine Court were a different type of love story, 'loves never lost when perspective is earned' could be the romantic thesis of kevjean. Jean just stopped hoping for anything more than that a long time ago!!!! I could write analysis on every line in this song but these are the lyrics that stand out as the MOST kevjean!

The goddess of timing once found us beguiling She said she was trying, Peter, was she lying? My ribs Get the feeling she did

And I won't confess that I waited, but I let the lamp burn As the men masqueraded, I hoped you'd return With your feet on the ground, tell me all that you'd learned 'Cause love's never lost when perspective is earned And you said you'd come and get me, but you were 25 And the shelf life of those fantasies has expired Lost to the Lost Boys chapter of your life

Forgive me, Peter, please know that I tried

26 - California by Chappell Roan

This song is one that kind of shifts means for me. Sometimes this song is about Jean and sometimes it about Andrew. The opening lyrics scream Jean to me, like he goes to California because he has no choice and from the jump he knows it's not the place for him, too bright, too sunny but he has to go if he wants to live. Especially in tic there are moments where he just wants to go back to the Nest because he doesn't think he deserves to be in CA.

I stretched myself across four states New lands, west coast, where my dreams lay I trade amber clay roads for the Sea foam and the endless sun rays

But with Andrew his relationship to CA is way more complicated. He really wanted to stay in California and make it work with Cas, despite everything he was going through. California was at once his dream and his nightmare and then the added complication of Aaron and everything else was too much. He couldn't just grit his teeth and make it work, especially once he knew Aaron was in danger too :( ugh this song is just too much.

Thought I'd be cool in California I'd make you proud To think I almost had it going But I let you down

Too hard, to find reasons to stay Even true love could not persuade

49- The Smallest Man That Ever Lived by Taylor Swift

This song could apply to so many different dynamics, but I put this on here post tgr after learning the Leo back story. That man traded Jeremy for a BMW and he will NOT be seeing heaven! Jeremy, my love, we are gong to find you some self respect so you can leave this man behind! These lyrics just really scream high school Jeremy trying to reconcile his relationship with Leo.

And I'll say, "Good riddance" 'Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden I would've died for your sins Instead, I just died inside And you deserve prison, but you won't get time

8- Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High? by Arctic Monkeys

This song is just so early Andreil! I love the dynamic that they have when Andrew is still medicated. Neil is the only thing that can keep Andrew's focus and upon re read there are like 1000 hints that Andrew was already whipped! Neil ignores/writes so much of it off because of Andrew's medication and it makes the dynamic in tkm even better. It especially remind me of the conversation they have at Exites where Andrew asks him "Do I look miserable?"

It's harder and harder to get you to listen More I get through the gears Incapable of making alright decisions And having bad ideas

Send me a number 1-50 and I will tell you what song it corresponds with on my AFTG playlist and explain what character dynamic that song reminds me of!

[eden-writes-stuff]

can i pretty please have dorlene angst maybe one of them snapped on the other or or just jealousy type angst your choice ofcourse

tysm

Tags: dorlene, first war, angst, mention of a wound and blood, loads of crying, argument word count: 605

"Why won't you let me go?! This is important work we're doing here." Dorcas followed her girlfriend into the kitchen.

"Is it though? I mean, what we've been fighting for over a year and Voldemort just keeps getting stronger." Shocked, Dorcas took a step back. "So what, you're saying we should just give up?"

Marlene shrugged. If that's what it took to keep Cas from going back into the battlefield...

"Marls, we almost got killed yesterday!" The girl with the pink hair turned away and started making tea.

"Exactly!" "Exactly..." They both looked at each other for a moment.

"I feel like we have different 'exactly's there", Dorcas said, stepping next to the fridge.

"We almost got killed yesterday, so you can't go. What if today they are just a second faster? What if it isn't almost anymore?" Dorcas sighed, shaking her head. "If this is happening to us, this is happening to the others in the Order as well. We can't let them down. We signed up for this when we agreed to fight. We knew what it might cost. We said to do it no matter what it would take."

"Not you!" Marlene put the cup down harder than necessary, causing the porcelain to break apart. The good tea set she had inherited from her mother. Her hands were shaking. Dorcas knew that she was scared, they all were. But Marls had never let it show before. She wiped across her forehead, staring at the broken cup.

"I will not let it cost you. I can't... I already lost my family and I don't know where Remus is and Lily has to go into hiding, and-", she let out a pathetic cry. "You're all I have left."

Dorcas stepped forward, taking her hands into her own. One of them was wet. Blood.

She turned the tab on, carefully holding her girlfriend's hand under the warm water.

"I will be okay. I would never leave you. I'd rather die than die", she tried, but Marlene didn't laugh. She just kept on shaking and leaned her head against Dorcas' shoulder.

With a quiet sigh, she wrapped her arms around her, holding her close as the tears started.

Marlene was an ugly-crier. While Dorcas needed to have control over herself, even when she was vulnerable, Marlene was all red eyes, loud sobs, snorts and spit.

Dorcas was never bothered by it.

She softly stroked her back, while Marlene held onto her so tight she thought she was sure to hear her ribs crack. But it didn't matter.

"Oh, sweetheart." Dorcas carefully led them both into the living room, where she sat down on the couch, pulling Marlene into her lap.

"I don't want to lose you. I can't. If anything happens to you." She let out a heartbreaking wail, that almost had Dorcas crying herself. She hated seeing her beloved like this.

"I won't die. I'd never leave you alone. It's okay. I'm right here, sweet", she said, holding her tighter.

It took a good thirty minutes until Marlene had calmed down and stopped crying.

"We could just run off together. Somewhere nice. I always wanted to go to California." Cas smiled sadly at her. "Could you do that? Just leave the rest alone here? Deal with Voldemort by themselves?"

Sighing, Marlene shook her head. "I want that sick Bastard to die. Painfully would be good, but I'll take anything if that means we're rid of him."

"There we go. That's my Lene." She kissed the tip of her nose, while Marlene giggled quietly. "Shut up, you know I hate that name." 

But at least she was smiling again.

[perspectivestarters]

Perspective's Sentence Starters; The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess by Chappell Roan (Part II)

MY KINK IS KARMA

We broke up on a Tuesday.

Who knew that we'd let it get this bad when it ended.

Karma's real.

Hope it's your turn.

I heard from *Name*, you're losing it lately.

It's hot when you have a meltdown.

It's hot when you're drinking downtown.

You're getting called out 'cause you're running your mouth.

It's coming around.

People say I'm jealous but my kink is watching you ruining your life.

People say I'm jealous but my kink is karma.

Wishing you the best, in the worst way.

Using your distress as foreplay.

Six months since April and I'm doing better.

No need to be hateful in your fake Gucci sweater.

It's hot when you're going through hell.

I'm feeling myself.

It's hot when you know that you're caught and you're getting pissed off.

It's getting me off.

PICTURE YOU

Draw the blinds.

Slip off my pretty dress down my chest.

It's ritualistic.

Counting lipstick stains where you should be.

I need you around.

I'm getting close now.

Do you picture me like I picture you?

Am I in the frame from your point of view?

Do you feel the same?

I'm too scared to say half of the things I do when I picture you.

So, tell me now all your perversions.

KALEIDOSCOPE

Here we go again.

Everything is fine.

I guess we could pretend we didn't cross a line.

Ever since that day, everything has changed.

The way I write your name

If you really wanna leave, I'll never make you stay.

Whatever you decide, I will understand.

It will all be fine.

Love is a kaleidoscope.

How it works, I'll never know.

It's somehow all the same

It's beautiful somehow.

It's never just a shape alone.

Well, I'd love to see them try.

There's no one else who could.

The only one is you.

If you change your mind, I will understand.

It'll just take time to go back to being friends.

Don't be afraid to hold it close.

PINK PONY CLUB

I know you wanted me to stay.

I can't ignore the crazy visions of me in *Place*.

I heard that there's a special place where boys and girls can all be queens every single day.

I'm having wicked dreams of leaving.

I swear it's calling me.

Won't make my mama proud.

It's gonna cause a scene.

I know she's gonna scream.

God, what have you done?

I'm just having fun.

It's where I belong.

I'm gonna keep on dancing.

Every night's another reason why I left it all.

I thank my wicked dreams.

You've been too good to me.

Don't think I've left you all behind.

You're always on my mind.

I can hear your southern drawl a thousand miles away.

NAKED IN MANHATTAN

I know you just landed.

I know you're probably busy but I would love to see you.

Call me when you can.

I'll never cross the line.

I pushed you down a million times.

I'd love if you knew you were on my mind.

Boys suck and girls I've never tried.

We both know we're getting drunk tonight.

Touch me, baby.

Put your lips on mine

Could go to hell but we'll probably be fine.

I know you want it.

You can have it.

I've never done it.

Let's make it cinematic

I wanna know, baby, what is it like?

An inch away from more than just friends.

If I don't try, then it's my loss.

Won't you fucking touch me?

I just want to touch you.

I want all of your love.

CALIFORNIA

I stretched myself across four states.

I trade amber clay roads for the sea foam and the endless sun rays.

I was never told that I wasn't gonna get the things I want the most.

If it hasn't happened yet, then maybe you should go.

Come get me out.

Thought I'd be cool in here.

I'd make you proud

To think I almost had it going, but I let you down.

Too hard to find reasons to stay.

GUILTY PLEASURES

Learned it on the internet.

Wild thoughts that make me melt.

Sometimes I scare myself.

I can't help what I can't help.

So shame on me, and shame on you.

I fantasize what we would do.

How would it taste?

Some good girls do bad things too.

I want this like a cigarette.

Can we drag it out and never quit?

Oh my god, you are heaven sent.

You give me guilty plеasure.

You're a pothead.

You're a cinephile.

It's been awhile since you turned up the dial.

[starryblueeyesandstarryblueskies]

Percabeth's Playlist

The Great War

all that bloodshed, crimson clover, uh-huh, sweet dream was over, my hand was the one you reached for, all throughout the great war

Till Forever Falls Apart

if the tide takes california, i'm so glad I got to hold ya, and if the sky falls from heaven above, oh I know I had the best time falling into love

I Know Places

cause they got the cages, they got the boxes and guns, they are the hunters, we are the foxes, and we run, baby i know places we won't be found, and they'll be chasing their tails trying to track us down

Labyrinth

uh oh, i'm falling in love, oh no, i'm falling in love again, oh, i'm falling in love, i thought the plane was going down, how'd you turn it right around

Line Without a Hook

she's a, she's a lady, and i am just a boy, he's singing, she's a, she's a lady, and i am just a line without a hook

If the World Was Ending

if the world was ending you'd come over right, the sky'd be falling and i'd hold you tight, and there wouldn't be a reason why, we would even have to say goodbye

Feels Like

living in a movie i've watched and funny cause i couldn't have called it, met you at the right time, this is what it feels like

18

i have loved you since we were 18, long before we both thought the same thing, to be loved and to be in love

Out Of The Woods

remember when you hit the brakes too soon, twenty stitches in a hospital room, when you started crying, baby i did too, but when the sun came up, i was looking at you

Someone To You

and if the sun starts setting, the sky goes cold, then if the clouds get heavy and start to fall, i really need somebody to call my own, i wanna be somebody to someone, someone to you

Young God

but do you feel like a young god, you know the two of us are just young gods, and we'll be flying through the streets with the people underneath, and they're running, running, running

Favorite T-Shirt

heart is beating harder than it ever has, wanna put you in a photo, put you on my dash, i put my arm around your shoulder, to see if i can pull you closer, and i didn't wanna say it, but i honestly thought i'm growing older

Take on the World

nobody knows you the way that i know you, look in my eyes, i will never desert you, and just say the word, we'll take on the world

Long Live

you held your head like a hero, on a history book page, it was the end of a decade, but the start of an age

I Like Me Better

i knew from the first time, i'd stay for a long time cause, i like me better when, i like me better when i'm with you

Atlantis

i can't save us, my atlantis, we fall, we built this town on shaky ground, i can't save us, my atlantis, oh no, we built it up to pull it down

Hey Stupid, I Love You

you just forget sometimes, so promise me you won't, and you know i'll remind you, when you think i don't, hey stupid, i love you

I Found

and I found love where it wasn't supposed to be, right in front of me

[eisforeidolon]

Jared: [following on from Jensen's story of injuring his hand in a door] That's why - doors can be dangerous. That's why I always leave mine open slightly, so it's no longer a door, it's ajar.

Jensen: [pointedly turns to question line] Hi! How are ya?

Norton: [rimshot]

Jared: [jumps up in excitement, punches air, kicks, generally flails]

Jensen: Let me ask you a question. Ladies and gentlemen, [points offstage] Monsieur Keegan.

Jared: Monsieur Keegan Allen.

Jensen: Do you put up with those jokes on the set of a show you work on with Jared?

Keegan: Yes. Um, but they're so great. He's also my boss.

Jensen: Right, right, yes. He's so funny, isn't he?

Keegan: He's the most amazing guy ever.

Jared: I'm like, you're getting a raise.

Jensen: [mockingly monotone] He's the most amazing guy I have ever met in my life.

Keegan. I did - I did really laugh at that, that was great.

Jensen: What's up dude, what're you doin?

Keegan: Hey, dude, what's up man? Hey guys, what's up? Keegan Allen here, I'm from California.

Jared: Alright. Hi Keegan. From California.

Keegan: Man, this is really nerve-wracking, being down here.

Jensen: Just take a deep breath, we're all here for ya.

Jared: Yeah.

Keegan: I wanted to ask you guys [clears throat, speaks in a deeper voice] I wanted to ask you guys - hold on -

Jensen: [whispers into mic] Get it together, man.

Keegan: I wanted to ask you guys, in the last year, what have you done in your lives that you feel like has made it 10% better?

Jared: That's a great question, Ian. Ian, right?

Keegan: Keegan from California.

Jensen: Well, Keegan from California, 10%, huh?

Keegan: Well, 'cause you don't want - just, like a subtle upgrade in your life.

Jensen: Right.

Keegan: Because, like, y'know, something that's too drastic is too noticeable? But 10%.

Jared: Yeah, reasonable.

Jensen: I got one, I got one for ya. Make the bed first thing in the morning. I didn't used to do that. I would maybe get around to it. Y'know, like I'd get out of bed and later when I'd come back, and I'd, you know, sometimes I wouldn't go back to the bedroom until the afternoon, and I'm like ugh, bed's still unmade. Now I get up and I make the bed.

Jared: Yeah, that's a great -

Jensen: I have to kick my wife out of the bed first. [mimes kicking] But I make the bed every morning. And I dunno, it just feels good when I walk back in later in the day and I see the bed has been made. I dunno why. Yeah.

Jared: That's great. I think for me, Keegan from California, I think for me, I've tried to get rid of some of my perfectionist inklings, and so one of the things I like to do is not worry about, like, whether or not my bed is made. [audience laughs] So I come back in at night and the pillows are -

Jensen: See, [pointing at Keegan again] he has to laugh at that joke. [Jared cracks up] I don't.

Jared: But no, speaking of beds, I will not get on my phone when I'm in my bed. Even if I want to return a text message. Or I'm like, oh, shoot, I wanna play Wordle, or I wanna do something. I won't do it in the bed, I will force myself to get out of the bed [stands up] and either just stand next to it, or - Not a word of a lie, it works, it works. [Jensen cracks up] It's literally as simple as, because there's so much - because here's what I would do! I would be like -

Jensen: I just imagine like him getting a text in the middle of the night, and he's like [mimes grumpily throwing off covers, picking up imaginary phone, pushing hair back, typing on phone, pulling off imaginary glasses to set back on pretend nightstand with phone][Jared cracks up]

Keegan: I'll have to text him now, after he goes to bed.

Jared: Well, well, that's basically what happens. [Jensen laughs] But truth be told, I had the problem of, if it was middle of the night or whatever? And I'd wake up like, ugh, what time is it and I'd go and I'd look at my walk-clock or whatever on my phone and it's 1:30. I'd think oh, let me see if there's anything on the news. Let me see ESPN. Let me see who won the game. It's like, yeah ehh, I'm kind of awake, let's see what's on YouTube. And fast forward an hour and I haven't slept. So I'm like, if it's not important enough for me to get out of bed, to do it? Then I just leave my phone on my nightstand. So, yeah. And a totally unkempt bed, by the way.

Keegan: Thank you guys, that was great.

Jared: Thank you Keegan Allen, from California!

[chaos-grimlin]

Intro:No one truly knows what happened that night in Woodsboro, California. All the public knows was that two teenage boys, Billy Loomis and Stu Macher, went crazy. That the boys killed with no motive, that it was a case of crazy and peer pressure. Sidney Prescott, the "girlfriend" of Billy Loomis,Y/n L/n, the girl both boys were deeply obsessed with, and Gale weathers, a news reporter, where 3 of 5 witnesses that were willing to talk and tell their sides of the story to the public while Dewy Riley, the deputy sheriff of woodsboro, and tennager Randy Meeks refused to talk to law enforcements at the time. All the stories told to law enforcement seem to differ from person to person, but...in this tale, we will focus on Y/n, the obsessions, side of the story...

Marked (poly Billy Loomis and Stu macher x reader story)

(HI! Author here! Before we start I'd like to say that I have updated the list of characters I will do for requests! And I will be working on those! Also if you'd like to get instantly notified when I update comment ima start a tag list since people love this book

..onto the chapter!)

Word count" 1029

Chapter 22- scratches and hot chocolate

^^^3rd person P.O.V^^^

As Dewey drove the police cruiser he glanced over at Y/n, seeing her claw and stratch at her own skin till it bled

"Stop that" Dewey muttered as he took once hand off the steering wheel and moved Y/ns hand away from her bleeding arm.

"I hate myself Dewey..sometimes death seems better then living...I feel uncomfortable in my own skin...I..I feel dirty no matter how many times I shower..I can't get those fuckers out of my mind..they plague my mind like a sickness...they haunt my dreams and make it impossible for me to sleep..I...I can't take it anymore!" Y/n started crying again as she rambled on

Dewey looked at her with soft eyes "listen..I promise...I'll help you through this...okay?" He said offering a soft smile to her.

He knew he couldn't fully fix what happened but he knew he, her friends, and boyfriend could help make her life worth living again.

"And I personally swear on everything that I'll find the sick disgusting people that did this and put them behind bars...so they won't be able to get  you again" his voice was soft as he spoke to her, he spoke to her as if she was his sister or..his daughter.

"It'll all be okay" he said "just don't hurt yourself...okay?" He added

"I'll..I'll try"

"Try as hard as you can..I believe in you..

Your a strong girl Y/n..physically and mentally..and trust me...both me and Randy will be with you every step of the way"

With that Dewey reached his free hand upwards to her head and ruffled her hair slightly causing a small yet faint smile spread onto y/ns lips.

After a few minutes, Dewey parked the car infront of the police station and got out.

Dewey knew better then to leave Y/n alone, especially after all that she has said to him in the car.

"Come on Y/n...you can stay here till school's over" Dewey said with a soft smile as he opened her door for her.

"Thank you" Y/n whispered, her voice strained as she slowly stepped out of the car, her body trembling.

"Once we go in I'll see if I can find you something to eat or snack on" Dewey said as he started waking slowly, waiting for Y/n to follow him.

Y/n followed him, trailing close to his side. She felt herself feel comfortable around him. After what happened she lost her trust with everyone...

Sidney

Tatum

Stu

Billy

Everyone but Randy who had came to the hospital just to make sure she felt okay and safe.

Now she felt as if she has Dewey.

Dewey walked into the station keeping a close eye on Y/n till they made it to his desk.

"Sit here okay? Ima go find you something" he said.

Y/n nodded as she sat down on the chair at his desk. Then, she watched at Dewey walked off, leaving her at the desk.

Her bloodshot e/c eyes wondered around his desk, eyeing the countless small items he had scattered on his desk.

She was tempted to touch them or fiddle with them to maybe ease her racing mind but instead her right hand found it's way back to her left arm and she started to scratch at it relentlessly.

She felt as if she'd feel better if she could cut off all of her skin.

She left a warm liquid coat her finger tips, then she looked down, seeing the bright red blood lightly coat her fingers.

"Y/n I'm bac....y/n..." The semi happy tone in Dewey's voice dropped when he seen Y/ns arm.

Dewey sighed and put down the candy and hot chocolate he had found for her. "You said just moments ago you wouldn't hurt yourself" he whispered looking at her, sadness laced both his voice and his eyes.

"I'm sorry" Y/n forced out as she hung her head.  She felt..guilt...rise in her body, filler her throat, causing her to struggle to breathe.

"It's..okay..come here" Dewey spoke as if he understood why she was doing all of this.

Dewey held out his hand to her, which Y/n slowly took.

Dewey led her to a small sink in the office and turned on the water.

"Put your arm under it while I grab some bandages" Dewey said looking at her, as if waiting for her to move.

Y/n nodded, not daring to speak as she slipped her arm under the water, and once she did, Dewey walked off.

She whinced slightly, feeling the cold water wash away the blood from her arm, the feeling made her clench her jaw as she watched the bright red fade down the drain.

Dewey was back in no time with a small first aid kit and a dry wash cloth.

"Can I see your arm?" He asked softly

Y/n slowly pulled her arm out from under the sink and moved it to Dewey.

Dewey slowly wiped away the water from her arm then disinfected the wound before gently wrapping it in gauze. (I can't spell the word)

"There"

"Thank you" Y/n muttered.

"I got you some things" Dewey said his eyes dashing over to his desk.

"I didn't know what you liked so I just got you some candy and a hot chocolate..it was all I can find"

"Thank you Dewey"

"No problem..now you can head back to NY desk..I got to make a few calls...but I'll have someone keep an eye on you okay?"

"Okay..."

At that Y/n walked back to Dewey's desk, seeing the candy and the now semi hot chocolate waiting for her..

After maybe 15 minutes a voice rang through the station...a voice Y/n knew too well...

"Y/N?! Shit! No no where is Y/n I think I have a right to see her....what do you mean kick me out?! Get the sheriff I bet he'd let me see her!"

[whatharrysang]

Harry Styles & days

Harry Styles

Meet Me In The Hallway - I walked the streets all day

From the Dining Table - Maybe one day you'll call me and tell me that you're sorry too

Fine Line

She - She lives in daydreams with me

Treat People With Kindness - And it's just another day (and it's just another day)

Harry's House

Late Night Talking - It's only been a couple of days 

Grapejuice - Yesterday, it finally came, a sunny afternoon 

Daylight - Daylight, you got me cursin' the daylight (ooh) 

Daylight - Daylight, you got me callin' at all times (ooh) 

Daylight - Ain't gonna sleep 'til the daylight (ooh) 

Matilda - You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days 

Daydreaming - Livin' in a daydream  

Keep Driving - Mocha pot, Monday 

Satellite - She said, "Give me a day or two" 

Boyfriends - You, you lay with him as you stay in the daydream 

Love of My Life - Take a walk on Sunday through the afternoon

Songs Harry wrote for other artists

I love you - For a week and 13 days 

Alfie's Song (Not So Typical Love Song) - But how I love those days we didn't get out of bed 

Alfie's Song (Not So Typical Love Song) - But god I loved those days we couldn't get out of bed 

Changes - Watchin' daytime TV 

Someday - Someday maybe when we're old and gray 

Someday - Someday maybe 

Someday - Someday maybe I'll be yours (woah, baby) 

One Direction Songs Harry wrote on

Story Of My Life - I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days 

Something Great - One day you'll come into my world and say it all 

Something Great - One day you'll say these words 

Something Great - One day I'll come into your world and get it right 

Fool's Gold - And yeah I've let you use me from that day that we first met 

Stockholm Syndrome - I've been here for days 

Change Your Ticket - A couple more days 

Olivia - Remember the day we were giving up 

Walking In The Wind - Yesterday I went out to celebrate the birthday of a friend

Unreleased Songs

Already Home - I’ve been waiting, every day since 

Baby Honey - Just today, yesterday, every day and tomorrow night 

California - Skip food a couple days, and it's you 

Don't Let Me Go - I promised one day that I'd 

Don't Let Me Go - Seems like these days I watch you from afar 

Hunger - We would stay in my house for days 

Hunger - On my birthday I made you cry 

I'm Not Happy - It's been one year and several days 

Lay Down - You came in my head today won’t go away, no 

Make My Day  - But you make my day and make my whole week 

Pick You Up - Now stop, my mother's calling cause It's my sister's birthday and I forgot to pick up the cake that she ordered 

She Got Away - Someday she will go 

She Got Away - But she’s coming back someday 

Something I’ve Been Waiting For - Those days were a blur and the nights passed me by

Too Much Sauce - We can drink all day, we won't be coming back 

Try Honey - One day baby I'll come through 

Without You - I don’t wanna wait waiting everyday 

Without You - Waiting everyday i don’t wanna wait for you

[gutzygumsho3]

Greetings loved ones

Let's take a journey

I know a place

Where the grass is really greener

Warm, wet n' wild

There must be something in the water

Sippin' gin and juice

Laying underneath the palm trees

(Undone)

The boys

Break their necks

Try'na to creep a little sneak peek

(At us)

You could travel the world

But nothing comes close

To the golden coast

Once you party with us

You'll be falling in love

Ooh oh ooh oh oh ooh

California girls

We're unforgettable

Daisy dukes

Bikinis on top

Sun-kissed skin

So hot

We'll melt your popsicle

Ooh oh ooh

Ooh oh ooh

California girls

We're undeniable

Fine, fresh, fierce

We got it on lock

West coast represent

Now put your hands up

Ooh oh ooh

Ooh oh ooh

Sex on the beach

We don't mind sand in our stilettos

We freak

In my jeep

Snoop doggy-dog on the stereo oh oh

You could travel the world

But nothing comes close

To the golden coast

Once you party with us

You'll be falling in love

Ooh oh ooh ooh oh ooh

California girls

We're unforgettable

Daisy dukes

Bikinis on top

Sun-kissed skin

So hot

We'll melt your popsicle

Ooh oh ooh

Ooh oh ooh

California girls

We're undeniable

Fine, fresh, fierce

We got it on lock

West coast represent

Now put your hands up

Ooh oh ooh

Ooh oh ooh

Toned, tan

Fit and ready

Turn it up 'cause its gettin' heavy

Wild, wild west coast

These are the girls I love the most

I mean the ones

I mean like she's the one

Kiss her, touch her

Squeeze her buns

The girl's a freak

She drive a jeep

And live on the beach

I'm okay

I won't play

I love the bay

Just like I love L.A.

Venice Beach

And Palm Springs

Summertime is everything

Home boys

Bangin' out

All that ass

Hanging out

Bikinis, zucchinis, martinis

No weenies

Just a king

And a queenie

Katy my lady

(Yeah)

And looky here baby

(Uh huh)

I'm all up on ya

'Cause you representing California (oh yeah)

California girls

We're unforgettable

Daisy dukes

Bikinis on top

Sun-kissed skin

So hot

We'll melt your popsicle

Ooh oh ooh

Ooh oh ooh

California girls

We're undeniable

Fine, fresh, fierce

We got it on lock

West coast represent (west coast, west coast)

Now put your hands up

Ooh oh ooh

Ooh oh ooh

California girls man

(California)

(California girls)

DID YOU JUST FUCKING SING THE ENTIRE CALIFORNIA GIRLS SONG TO ME-

Listen close

Follow my instructions

There is no

Time for introductions

He was the one that made us

You'll be the one to save us

Underground

Welcome to the circus

Power down

Are you feeling nervous?

His voice means to deceive you

My voice just wants to lead you

Below the surface

Built without purpose

Did we deserve this?

You're here to serve

Daddy, please

We all scream for ice cream

This machine

Will help you with the brain freeze

The stage lights up with controlled shocks

So tighten up all your spring locks

Through the vent

Keeping your composure

Hold your breath

Something's creeping closer

There's no one left to find you

I'll take your place inside you

Below the surface

Built without purpose

Did we deserve this?

You're here to serve us

I'll take your place behind the mask

Then I'll be first and you'll be last

Yeah, you'll be last

[professor-abeloved]

great walls tumbling down - a jocelyn x mc (reg custodio) fanmix | listen here

a playlist to listen to when you're playing gay chicken with a beautiful girl with bloody knuckles and heart of gold.

art by @hsaijou <3

tracklist (not in any particular order because these queers are messy)

kiss me more - doja cat (feat sza)

Can you kiss me more? We're so young, boy girl We ain't got nothin' to lose, oh, oh It's just principle Baby, hold me 'Cause I like the way you groove, oh, oh

everything is embarrassing - sky ferreira

Maybe if you let me be your lover Maybe if you tried then I would not bother Hurts so bad I don't know what you want from me You know I'm trying You know I'm trying

34+35 - ariana grande

Can you stay up all night? Fuck me 'til the daylight (yeah-yeah) 34, 35 (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 34, 35) Can you stay up all night? (Do you know what that mean?) Fuck me 'til the daylight (you know what that mean) 34, 35 (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) Yeah, yeah, yeah Means I wanna 69 wit' ya', no shit Math class, never was good

china - tori amos

China all the way to New York I can feel the distance getting close You're right next to me But I need an airplane I can feel the distance as you breathe Sometimes I think you want me to touch you How can I when you build a great wall around you In your eyes I saw a future together You just look away in the distance

cherry - rina sawayama

Even though I'm satisfied I lead my life within a lie Holding onto feelings I'm not used to feeling 'Cause, oh, they make me feel alive When they tell you that you've got to stay the same Even though you're not yourself And you've got somebody else When they tell you that you've got yourself to blame Even though it's not your fault But your heart just wants to know, know

gimme love - carly rae jepsen

Eyes so bright You got a hold of me the whole damn night I toss and turn but still I can't sleep right I should've asked you to stay, begged you to stay But when I get right next to you I hear this heart beat break in two I feel the earthquake in the room and so I pray Fall into me and then Gimmie love

brave - twice

In deeper wounds The rain that fell on my heart which never healed You make it stop before you know it, you are my only believer The dreamer who made me run a little farther I can hear you calling (Only you)

i like u - niki

I like you, I like you, I like you Sorry, I never meant to But who're we kidding, it wasn't like I had a say One look at you and I won't have it any other way I want you, I want you, I want you I want you to want me, too I know that I signed up for this casually But I fell for your tricks, I'm the casualty

closer - tegan and sara

Here comes the heat before we meet, a little bit closer Here comes the spark before the dark, come a little closer The lights are off and the sun is finally setting The night sky is changing overhead It's not just all physical I'm the type who won't get oh so critical So let's make things physical I won't treat you like you're oh so typical I want you close, I want you

california king bed - rihanna

Eye to eye (Eye to eye) Cheek to cheek (Cheek to cheek) Side by side You were sleeping next to me (Oh, next to me) Arm in arm Dusk to dawn With the curtains drawn And a little last night on these sheets So how come when I reach out my fingers It seems like more than distance between us?

seven - jung kook feat. latto

Weight of the world on your shoulders I'll kiss your waist and ease your mind I must be favored to know ya I'll take my hands and trace your lines It's the way that we can ride It's the way that we can ride (oh-oh, oh-oh) Think I met you in another life So break me off another time (oh-oh, oh-oh) You wrap around me and you give me life And that's why night after night I'll be lovin' you right

tokyo love hotel - rina sawayama

I don't wanna check into the Tokyo Love Hotel I just want your love all to myself

stray italian greyhound - vienna teng

This stray Italian greyhound These inconvenient fireworks This ice-cream-covered screaming hyperactive thought God, I just want to lay down These colors make my eyes hurt This feeling calls for everything that I am not I'm not that kind I'm so good at shooting down any notion This tired world could change It's all been bought Well at least that was my line No use in spending all that emotion when there's someone else to blame But you had to come along didn't you? Rev up the crowd Rewrite the rule book Where do I go when every no turns into maybe So what do I do with this?

[terristarstrike]

Space Monster or Space Angel?

Well, this is unusual. This is a prompt from the POV of a random Westshore civilian and their first encounter with the 50-foot Terrina Ave-Lo.

You were only taking a walk in the forest outside of Westshore. Sure, you wanted to get some fresh air, spend a bit of time away from the bustling civilization downtown, but you were very cautious. You've been hearing stories of a giant space monster in these once-peaceful woods. At first, you didn't care much for aliens, but this was all too real to ignore.

As you scrolled your fingers through your smartphone, your train of thought was thrown off track by a distant earthquake. In your mind, earthquakes were quite common in California, so it shouldn't be a big deal, right? Not quite. Another tiny earthquake followed nearly a second after the first one, and another, and another. Each other getting worse and closer to your direction, almost like a booming four-on-four beat, causing the trees to rustle and shake. Oh dear lord, you were in hot water. Those were footsteps of the mysterious giant alien!

You cautiously ran to the car, and opened the door. But before you got inside, a beautiful, youthful voice begin to hum a lovely tune from afar. Its voice was echoing all over the woods, while the thunderous footsteps approached closer. You'd expect something hideous, something that would've looked like an eldritch abomination or a monster from a old sci-fi pulp magazine, but maybe it could be something more.. human. Even so, you wouldn't take any chances, so you proceeded to hide inside your car to see whatever this giant creature looked like. As you peeked out the window, the source of these footsteps stomped forward to reveal its true form. To your surprise, the giant creature that everyone was panicking over was no space monster, this creature was a giant girl!

She looked like a slim 17-year-old with brown, sparkly skin and blue hair with neon blue and purple highlights, and her gigantic blue eyes were glancing at your car with curiosity. Surely, she's never seen a human vehicle before. The giant carefully stepped forward, trying not to shake the ground around her, and she crouched down to slowly pick up the car, with you in it. She observed the design of the vehicle and you were tossed all over the place like gravity never existed. Then, she saw you. Her giant eye was fixed on your tiny figure inside the vehicle, and she began to beam with amazement. "Wow! There really IS someone inside there!" the giant whispered.

You started to feel your heart beat out of your chest, you were terrified out of your wits, terrified and unable to speak, but the giant began to speak again. "It's okay, it's okay! I won't hurt you. My name's Terri. I'm just here to get a look of this world and just.. learn about your kind." She giggled. "You don't have to be scared of me, I'm not gonna hurt you in any way possible! I promise. I got you." You slowly nodded your head in agreement with the alien, albeit a little shaken, and Terri smiled back.

She slowly sets your car near the road and stands to her full fifty-foot-tall height. "I'll.. give you some time to process what you just saw." The giant softly said as she stomped off into the forest, humming her angelic melody once again. After a couple seconds, you began to take in Terri's words, and now you've moved onto the road with nothing to fear. This wasn't a giant space monster, this was a giant space angel!

[nonstandardrepertoire]

Ki Tisa

you don't have to be realistic to make portraits that people recognize. stick a stovepipe hat and a bushy beard on a teddy bear, and people will get that you mean it to be Abraham Lincoln. the right hat and pipe alone can suggest Sherlock Holmes. learning to identify these kinds of symbols can be very helpful in coming to grips with artistic traditions that make heavy use of them

if you spend a lot of time with Medieval Christian art, for example, you'll pretty quickly start to run across a figure of a guy with horns on his head. you might think that this is supposed to be Satan, but in many cases, you'd be wrong: that guy is supposed to be Mosheh

in this week's Torah portion, you see, Mosheh is said to have a face that is קָרַן/qaran after spending so much time conversing with G-d. contemporary translations will say that that means Mosheh's face "glowed", but it's a very rare word, and it looks a lot like the word קֶֽרֶן/qéren, which means "horn", and so the most influential Medieval Latin translation said that Mosheh's face had "horns" instead. (the idea underlying the Hebrew seems to be that rays of light emerge from glowing things in much the same way that horns emerge from the head of a ram or an ox)

seeing this prophet with horns tacked on can be a little unsettling, and the Biblical Israelites were certainly unsettled by Mosheh's glowing face, so much so that they were afraid to even come near Mosheh at first, and Mosheh starts wearing a veil around the camp

the Israelites' fear here has many echoes down thru the ages. in 1867, in the wake of the US Civil War and the California Gold Rush, the city of San Francisco was full of poor people and disabled veterans that the rich of the city found unappealing to look at. like the Biblical Israelites, they accepted their gut emotional reaction to those around them as fact, and came to the conclusion that their neighbors were at fault for causing these untidy emotions

rather than helping their neighbors access housing, medical care, and the necessities of dignified living, the rich of San Francisco passed the first of the so-called "ugly laws", bills that essentially made it a crime to be disabled in public, with predictable disparities in treatment along class and racial lines, de facto if not de jure. in the years that followed, similar laws were passed all around the country by cities that would rather arrest people than see to their needs. the last known arrest under one of these laws would ultimately occur in Oklahoma in 1974. today, many of them are still on the books, even if they are no longer enforced

and enforced or not, the spirit that animated these laws is still very much alive. in the US, we still very much live in a society that judges people based on how they look, a society where the powerful would rather remove some people from view than build community with them, a society where some people are given the very clear message that their presence is emphatically unwanted. those on the receiving end of this message often internalize it and start to pull away — "i won't speak up in that meeting because i don't want to take up space.", "maybe i shouldn't go to that gathering; i don't want to make people uncomfortable.", "i feel like even just quietly existing i am already taking up too much space"

even G-d isn't immune from these feelings. after the business with the golden calf, G-d says, "i'm not going to go with you, in the middle of your camp. maybe i'll be in a little tent off to the side here, but i can't be at the heart of your community anymore.". this might sound like a punishment, but G-d doesn't frame it that way in Shəmot. instead, G-d says "פֶּן אֲכֶלְךָ בַּדָּֽרֶךְ/pen akhelkha badárekh/lest i end you on the way". G-d is afraid of hurting the Israelites, and so tries to withdraw. it's a protective measure, not a punishment

it's also not a solution. haSheim cannot be the Israelites' G-d without actually being there, right there, in the thick of them. the Israelites cannot learn from Mosheh how they are to live without going up and being near him, glowing face and all. we cannot build a society together if we all pull away from one another, afraid of causing messy feelings or harm, or having messy feelings of our own in reaction to each other. we have to reach out. we have to connect

this doesn't mean we will never hurt each other. we will. the relationship between G-d, Mosheh, and the Israelites, too, continues to be full of strife, tumult, and harm. in building the world we want to live in, we will step on each other's toes, we'll butt heads forcefully, we'll commit a thousand sins small and grave. but there is no other way. there is no way to build a community without community, and there is no community without tension, friction, and discomfort, because communities are made of people, and people are too rich and varied and messy and complex to snap together perfectly and seamlessly like frictionless uniform bricks in a physics exercise

we will never be perfect. we will always be fraught. coming together to run a community, shape a society, build a better world will always require compromise and generate bruised feelings. but these efforts only fail entirely if we pull away permanently, if we fully disengage

when Mosheh's face begins to glow, he does put on a veil, but, crucially, not when he is talking to G-d or to the Israelites. to be in community with others, he has to be there as his whole, disquieting self, not a covered, tamed version modulated for others' comfort. we don't read that the Israelites ever really adjusted to this — for all we know, every time the light of Mosheh's face fell on them, they felt the same tremor they felt the first time around — but they come near all the same. we have to do so too

to build a world where we all can live and flourish, we have to show up as our full selves, and be ready for others to show up as their full selves too. this work is hard, it is messy, it is uncomfortable, but it is infinitely, irreplaceably worth doing. it is the work that is before us all

shavu'a tov

[thanaredreamtof]

Soundtracks for threads @myriadxofxmuses

Have you ever come across a more Lana Del Rey coded pair? I haven’t. Oh my god I have been listening to her album Born to Die and so many of her songs fit our two lovebirds so well.

When I did up the moodboard for them a few weeks ago I used Taylor Swifts Style lyrics which also suits them but I think more for their modern verse. But Ethan definitely fits the “James Dean Daydream” and Felicity the “red lip classic and a tight little skirt”

But back to Lana…

When I listen to Born to Die I can picture their 1920s thread so well, Ethan zooming in some fast car, Felicity running to their hide away, all the speakeasy’s, the gun fights, the rivalry, the kisses when they are alone, the first night they met, everything everything I think it just fits them perfectly.

“Come and take a walk on the wild side

Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain

You like your girls insane, so (louder)

Choose your last words, this is the last time

'Cause you and I, we were born to die”

Also then Dark Paradise, very similar vibes but more from Felicity’s perspective I think. It really gives me the images of Felicity being unhappy in her life, and wanting things to change, and falling so hard for Ethan. “There’s no relief I see you in my sleep, and everybody’s rushing me, but I can feel you touching me”… I think that really captures how much she adores him.

“Every time I close my eyes, it's like a dark paradise

No one compares to you

I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side

Every time I close my eyes, it's like a dark paradise

No one compares to you

I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side”

And then of course summer time sadness, definitely one of her most iconic songs. Everything about this reminds me of Felicity and Ethan. If they make it to California, and she starts her new life by his side there I can see them living it up. Cruising down the coast…going out together…living on the edge, Ethan still working in his mob, with her by his side. I love it!

I love to think of how smug he’d be once he gets Felicity, on one hand because he bested James and won his game, but on the other because he does genuinely love the girl.

I'm feelin' electric tonight

Cruisin' down the coast, goin' about 99

Got my bad baby by my heavenly side

I know if I go, I'll die happy tonight

Oh, my God, I feel it in the air

Telephone wires above are sizzlin' like a snare

Honey, I'm on fire, I feel it everywhere

Nothin' scares me anymore

Kiss me hard before you go

Summertime sadness

I just wanted you to know

That baby, you the best

I hope you liked this!! I just had to get my thoughts on paper lol!

[elysianapostasy]

I've been listening to an excellent podcast called maintenance phase that talks about a lot of things like this with a critical and well researched eye and it is really, really helpful. The only thing I had friction against so far was that "skinny shaming" does not exist in a very meaningful way, and is almost exclusively used as an "all lives matter" gotcha to shut down call outs of anti fat bias. I certainly have seen the latter, but I originally had difficulty accepting the former because of how it affected me. See, part of the reason my parental neglect abuse got so far was because of "skinny shaming", which, like fat shaming, implicitly blames the person who is being targeted rather than any systemic or local causes. A 13 year old that is 6' 2" and 115 pounds should raise flags! I was affected enough by how people talked to me about it that I would wear this massive red puffer jacket in Southern California to hide it, and I'll tell you now that didn't help. All of this is true, all of this sucks, and the reason "skinny shaming" is in quotes and fat shaming isn't is because the podcast helped me learn that it really isn't enough of a thing to hold up even close to fat shaming.

It really comes down to how systematic it is. Racism is racism in large part because of its being ingrained in a systemic and societal way, where prejudice, especially anti-white prejudice, does not. A person being mean or unhelpful to you sucks, sure. Any amount of anti-white bias will not make it so banks are more likely to deny you loans, or deny you a job, or increase the likelihood that you'll be targeted by police. Similarly, the fact that no one helped me or just said classic asshole things like eat a sandwich does not make it so doctors won't take me seriously, or increase my likelihood of dying from something preventable from that fact, or increase my likelihood of being fired, or be a causative agent for people making judgements about my personality, health, or eating habits. Honestly, fat shaming informs some of what likely kept me from getting help and what had my sibling, who is skinny, being told in response to their concern about losing weight on a medication that "that's usually a good thing that people like :333"

Fat shaming is inherently saying that fat is bad, and I need to justify it by making it about health whether or not the facts back that up, otherwise I'm a shitty person. Don't worry, fat shaming people just does make you a shitty person :333 Anyway, fat is bad means that anything that makes you thin is good, and that being thin is good and not something to be concerned about. Without fat shaming, that simply doesn't exist. Weight loss while already skinny won't have mental health professionals crowing about you looking good for losing weight, and being rail thin won't be seen as something just uncritically flat good. Maybe I wouldn't have needed to eat out of trash cans or off the floor if fat shaming and anti fat bias didn't exist. Maybe I would have anyway. The part that matters is that "skinny shaming" isn't linked to systemic oppression, and people will always be mean to you about something.

Anyway maintenance phase good

Tldr "skinny shaming" doesn't exist to the same level as fat shaming, and all of things like this the difference is always about the systems of oppression, not individual people being mean. And maintenance phase good

fatphobia and ableism is so insidious. You can look up like, food, and it'll say "eating a lot of food causes diabetes" and you're like oh dang what? I thought we didn't know the cause of diabetes. So you look up what causes diabetes and it says "we still don't know what causes diabetes" bruh they're just making shit up to give people eating disorders

[lavendarneverlands]

🩵 Ashe’s ♥️ new album ❤️ Willson 💛

(go listen to it if you want to understand me as a person🖤 listen to Save Myself & then Moral of the Story & then Castle if you want to destroy yourself like my brand of musical taste😅 & while your at it here’s some lyrics cause I have to scream about this to someone until therapy next week😂)

Please don't fall in love with me

I'll give you almost everything, I'll melt myself to fit your mold, and carefully chip away my soul. Until there's nothing left to see. Oh, please don't fall in love with me.

I'll tell you all my secret fears, to weaponize against me, dear.

I'm just a girl with paper hands, and playing tough's my fatal scam.

You're Alice in my Wonderland, I can't keep up this fantasy.

Please take back your gifts and flowers (I can't reciprocate, you know they die anyways)

Please stop calling me your hero (I can't save myself, how do I even help out a somebody else?)

Running Out Of Time

I woke up in sheets that were laced with the scent of a stranger. Poured her a coffee, and sat on the porch in the back. I looked in the mirror, everything changes sooner or later. So, I cut my hair, even though I knew better than that. Left my bags in California, and never looked back… And I said: "I've got to go see 'bout a guy in Tennessee, and I don't care if I make it out alive. And I'm not sure if I'm in love, but it feels like freedom And my twenties are running, and running… I'm running outta time".

Pull The Plug

The monitor flickers, I've never been sicker,

You say it's fine if it's all in my mind. Oh, you look so real, but it feels like a lie,

Don't pinch me in case I'm asleep. In case you're not here, 'cause this is a dream. And we've never met, so we're not in love. In case I'm asleep, don't pull the—Don't touch me, this coma is nice. Too good to be true, so just let me lie. Down in the sheets, 'cause here we're in love. In case I'm asleep, don't pull the plug…

Cherry Trees

To be perfectly honest, I never expected to see you again. god, I'm embarrassed, it still hurts as bad as the day that you left.

All too uncanny, my misunderstanding.

So glad you look happy, but I wish you'd look at me…Carve our names in cherry trees, spray the room with cheap perfume, stay up late to watch me sleep, cut my hair to look like you, turn my stomach into knots, kiss me like you did before… I'm so sorry I forgot…You're not mine anymore.

I Wanna Love You (But I Don’t)

Just like a cashmere sweater on a dark December day, you were laying softly on my chest.

And I was someone special whenever I caught your gaze. Now I'm struggling to catch my breath.

You'll remember me just like a bad dream, but, baby, we looked so good together. And I'll remember you like you were brand new, I thought you'd stay that way forever.

I wanna love you, but I don't… I think that something went wrong. Now I don't know where I belong anymore, and I should leave you, but I won't… I've forgotten how to get back… but I remember what we had. The party's over and I know I should go. I wanna love you, but I don't.

Helter Skelter

Summertime has crystalized, ice blurring glass windowpanes. Tantalized, hypnotized, "You're happy, you're happy", they say.

Try hard as I may, think I'm losing my mind, I'm afraid. Nauseated, isolation, the ballroom was flooded by crowds. And all their mesmerized, eagle eyes watched me collapse to the ground. Under all of the haze and the gaze, I just needed a place to lie down…

Foul play at the cabaret, our bodies were covered in chills. Helter skelter in gold decanters, was melting the floor where it spilled. Let's all raise a toast to the things we love most, turning to smoke.

And if I had the chance, I’d start over again.

So, I'm not leaving the house today. I've run out of words I can say. Now nowhere feels safe anymore. I'm calling in sick to thе rest of this year.

Nothing you see herе is as it appears. I had hopes, but I don't… think I can go on with the show.

Dear Stranger,

Found the string to pull the parachute, just before I hit the ground, I stopped and thought of you. Oh, what a lovely view when you're not dying, letting go of you is terrifying.

I think the sun has parted with the clouds. They finally put their differences behind them for a while. And I can feel the heat kissing my skin. I can feel the blood rushing back in.

Hello again, dear stranger, hello again,

I hope you know I've missed ya, how have you been?

I've been pretty bad, but I am coming back, and I'll be seeing you again.

I said some things to you I did not mean. I promised more than I should have and ruined everything… But yesterday, oh, yesterday is gone… Heaven only knows the time I've lost.

I am not the same, I will not be the same again. Don't go looking for the girl you loved, her innocence is dead.

And I buried all my sin inside a casket in a grave "Here lies someone almost famous, who gave up everything".

Hornet’s Nest

I said "I love you" too soon. We were parked inside an open field. I said I needed your touch. I think I said too much…

You swallowed my gum, passed me half your cigarette.

Held the sting in my lungs.

And kicked the hornet's nest.

You made me someone, for once I was someone. And finally someone to myself.

But I started seeing your angels for demons. Now Heaven is hurting like Hell.

We'll drink the arsenic, set fire to the gardens.

…And I'll disappear with your help…

'Cause you made me someone, for once I was someone, but you made me somebody else.

Castle

Look at me now, in my castle made of glass.

Your hands are just like hammers, every touch another crack. Swing them any harder, watch my sparkling house collapse. I know I said I wanted this, but now I've come to see,

That I gave you way too much of me. You locked me up and hid the key.

Oh, you call it unrequited, while you stab me in the back. This must be love 'cause you decided it. But my blood is on your hands, it's spilling all over the rug.

You act surprised to see me lay here, tell me I've gotta clean this up. You think that time is gonna heal this, really, time is gonna heal this?

No, your time is up.

Call her a survivor or a victim. — Oh, where'd they get the nerve? — Keep using black and white on colored pages, to paint the one who's gotten hurt, but would you look at both her wings?

Is she an angel or a demon?.. Somebody better call the priest… Grab your pitchforks and your torches, start the fires, grab the horses. Let's all slay her like her beast.

I'm taking myself back. Even if I let everyone down. I don't stand a chance here. Finally I'm saving myself.

I hope you die first

I'll quit smoking every day, and I'll stop flying in airplanes. Yeah, I'll get inventive, I've got incentive, you make me want to change.

Don't you worry about me, we'll throw you a big ol' party. Then I'll light one up for you, and I will see you soon.

I don't wanna die before you, promise I'll be right behind, but I should be there to hold your hand.

It's already been decided, I'll be here to say, "Goodbye".

Honey, I want you to understand, for better or for worse, I really hope you die first.

I don't wanna say this, but, if I don't make it… Please don't rush for me… I'll be waiting.

Devil Herself

If I committed murder, you would've been my alibi. Woulda helped bury the body in the darkness of the night. Told the cops that I was sick in our bedroom the whole time. Moved us outta state and started a brand new life.

And, if I was a pyromaniac, you would've fetched the gasoline. Handed me the matchsticks to burn down everything. You would've told insurance agents it happened accidentally. Swept up all the ashes, and bought another house for me.

I knew what I was doing, gave you something to believe. I was gathering the harvest, had you raking up the leaves. I was feeding you the apple, you were swallowing the seeds. You were Adam in the garden, but your ribs were made of me.

Now you're not the same anymore (You're not the same). How do we go back to before? When you'd sell your soul to the Devil herself? I can tell you're not yourself (No, you're not yourself)…

'Cause I fell in love with someone else.

(She fell in love with someone—)…

Ashe

I'm learning to like myself for the first time.

Tryna rewrite all the stories that I’ve told,

Everyone thought I had it all together, now my fair-weather friends are gone with the cold…

And I hadn't addressed the shame, I confess, it was eating me alive.

If you bury something so deep underneath all the laughter and the lies,

Guess nobody will believe you when you finally ask for help.

I've been crying wolf еvery day for a while now… I’ve been tеlling you I'm okay for a while now…

I'm outrunning the past, but it all has to catch up with the times… If I was faster, then I could pass the finish line.

And if none of this lasts, then I can't grasp the reasons that we try.

Will it matter when we all turn to ash? Will any of this matter? Will any of us matter in the end?

[nathank77]

5/29/24

2:14 a.m Edited

I know I've been saying maybe I'm hyper but the Atkins Bar held me over until around 9, I ate around 10 p.m . I ate the Atkins bar at 3:15 I think. I ate boca burgers again cause I felt like it with vegan bacon. I might be a little hungry atm but not really. I'm not sure. With Graves being hyper I went from being not hungry to ravenously hungry. There was no in-between.

Tomorrow I'll have California Veggie burgers and vegan bacon. It's not half as much protein so it'll be a better judge.

Still haven't been monitoring my heart rate as much as I should but my popping has been normal... not like I'm hyper. I mean a high heart rate usually makes you anxious and I have had anxiety but not really badly... so I use that as a test as well.

All I know is I'm in low ac right now and my skin is fucking ice. Yes it's 60.. but it's low. Usually I go to high on 60..

Beyond that I realized like yes my car ac works well but it takes a while to cool the car. Driving to Southington was a good way to test that. And I didn't sweat.... I would have if I was hyper.... I didn't sweat at all...

So right now I'm going with high end of normal? To be determined with more days of monitoring my body..... remember I dont know what, a "normal" metabolism feels like. So yea.

Speaking of anxiety. Ptsd. Panic attacks. I've noticed that I've had less of all of it the last week or so. They say give cbd at least 28 days before discontinuing it or uping the dose. My brain always wants it but I'm always like why? It's a waste of money. I've noticed that all those mental illnesses have been better. Still not sold on it. I'm going to stay on 100mg of cbd until July 26th and give it 3 months. If it can make my flashbacks, anxiety, heart palpitations, shortness of breath and everything less extreme. It sells itself bc I'm extremely mentally tortured and I've noticed improvement. Let's see if it continues. There is a reason I've been writing about it less... I've been suffering less. Yea I have anxiety still and ocd... and it's not cured but it's less traumatic... not the ocd unfortunately.. but I've got to give the cbd more time cause my body wants it and I'm like but the money... and now I'm seeing an improvement. I can't live with extreme ptsd and panic attacks... so let's keep it going for a while...

So Mike is like all about don't change the variables so you can see what is doing what. Aka don't increase the white mulberries. Don't take more or less cbd. Don't change anything...

Well tbh I've noticed drastic improvement since going to 2000mg of white mulberries. It's been two weeks....and I'm not getting side effects... and okay lets back track- since doing 1000mg the chanting toned fucking down a lot. My quality of life got better but not enough to say my life was worth living. Now lets be present. On 2000mg- this shit is inaudible it's only able to say like 2 words! Bussycunt, successful deadname, happy birthday. Whatever. It can't finish its fucking sentences. Some of the incoherent whispering I can tell is the rest of the sentence... but it's becoming more of a narrative... bc my brain knows the rest of the sentence and I've been changing it. It says "the bussycunt" and I say "thinks it's going away." Instead of, "feels bad for deadname."

Even my deadname barely sounds audible it's fucking dying and i know it's the white mulberries and I know it's a direct effect from upping the dose..

I'm starting 3000mg tomorrow after dinner. I got enough to do it for 2 weeks and see if I get side effects. If I do I'll weigh what side effects and how I can treat them. And of course i will see how it effects the hallucination... let's say it improves but I still hear it.. let's say I get no side effects.

Then I'll go up to 4000mg for another 2 weeks. I'll weigh my symptom reduction and side effects.

This goes without saying but if 3000mg or 4000mg stops the hallucination i won't increase. If 4000 doesn't stop it, I'll try 5000mg bc I'll still have enough to play around with it before I run out to see if I get side effects..

They sell white mulberries at 5000mg like 180 capsules for 20$.... so I can gradually increase my dose until the symptoms either disappear or go away. I won't exceed 5000mg... but I mean I have a feeling this fucking flower can give me my quality of life back. I got to cross my fingers that I get no side effects.

I hate to say it but I get why Mike is saying to control the variables..... but my quality of life sucks and going to 2000mg gave me some shows I like back. I'm watching Dexter and ink master. I'm happy. So we can throw variable control out the window.

It sucks but if 5000mg kills my hallucination, at that point it'll be July 10th.. if by July 9th I'm still hallucinating the cbd isn't going to kill it. That variable is remaining consistent. If my ptsd, anxiety and panic attacks stay under control then the cbd is worth the money.

I just dissociated but it's okay I was under a blanket cause I'm fucking freezing.

Anyways yea I got to try to reduce my symptoms. If I start bloating or something then I'll either pull back to 2000mg or I'll find a way to treat it that's safe if the hallucination stops.

It's way safer than antipsychotics and it's working like one. More enzymatic degradation and reuptake... more facilitation.

I've noticed when I take my white mulberries earlier than the 24 hour mark cause sometimes I take it at 20 or 22 hours it's more controlled.....

The only part that sucks about white mulberries is the human studies of long term use are limited... usually ranging for 3 months or so... but antipsychotics ruin your brain. And this doesn't deplete dopamine... it facilitates it in the mesolimbic pathway. Facilitates is much safer than depleting it all and causing Parkinsons. I hate being an experiment but my quality of life needs to get better.

I fucking love myself and I deserve to get better and work on my ocd and be better than I ever was. So yea. Tomorrow aka today 5/29- I start 3000mg. All I can say is please let me "look" for my hallucination and finally not find it. It's been better. But not perfect. My body is telling me to increase it. My brain is telling me to stick the course with the CBD. Imma listen to it.

Also I had a weird dream about gluttony. I was in some cafeteria or something the details are fuzzy. But there was all this food and I was eating like a pig CONSTANTLY. All the food. I don't remember much else but I feel like I was trying to eat more than people. I know it was post-apocalyptic sorta...

Then I had another dream but I actually think it was a continuation of the dream where we found a house on water and it was like partially built. Idk who we were. Just I was there. And the kid Walter from lost was building the house. I looked around and it was barely a house everything was open just basically a frame. And then all of a sudden Walter had built the entire thing. There was like one spot with a hole.

I don't know what either of these dreams meant. No fucking clue. I can't pick up symbolism... all i know is they were weird and I remember them.. I'm still trying to figure out the symbolism.

I'm excited to start 3000mg of white mulberries. Cross your fingers that I get no side effects and my quality of life gets better. 2000mg was not a mistake. Hopefully 3000mg will kill this fucking voice.

I'm a little anxious going back to a half mg tonight but I have drugs. I'll fall asleep. We will just see how many it's takes. Worse case there is always weed before another half mg of xanax.

Another random fact- white mulberries actually help with Parkinson disease. That's cool right?

Well I'm going to watch more Dexter. I'm at the end of the first season and I'm enjoying every minute. Sometimes the lyric-less music and silence is silent.

I've been writing this in "silence." I can't look for my hallucination but at the same time it takes longer for it to appear when I do and I hear a lot more true silence just with interruptions.

But don't get me wrong I always hear it trying to talk and it always wants to say the same thing constantly. And that's why the narrative is hard to break. It also makes sitting in silence really hard for long periods. Right now as this has taken me like 20 minutes to write I can't wait to drown it out. That's why I got to increase the dose.