#cause i see my campus friends almost everyday but now that im in quarantine i dont exist to them seemingly

[quaalussy]

been cryingg and realizing how many sore emotional spots being in quarantine is hitting lmaoo

[xthirteensummersx]

I need a safe space where I can express my emotions in writing about whats been going on in my head in regard to my current relationship. I have someone I can talk to at least but I feel like I think things through better in writing.

Honestly all the real problems started when we moved away from his hometown. I wanted to start our own life together somewhere away from the toxicity that is his hometown and at the time he felt the same so we made the plans I managed to find us a place by myself and secure myself a stable enough job that we could move out.

First he had trouble finding a job and that was fine and dandy but about 3 weeks in hes starting to get really down and depressed working there, so I did make the suggestion of looking somewhere else and leaving that job if he wanted as the job I had at the time was paying me more than enough to cover all our bills on my own. So he left that job and he goes a few months without finding a job still it definitely didn't feel like he was looking that hard but I have given him the benefit of the doubt because it was a very different job market there than what he was used to.

Then he decided he wanted to go to school, I've done the school thing, I've failed twice. I really wanted him to succeed where I didn't so I told him straight up that if he wanted to go to school I didn't want him working I wanted him to just be able to focus on the school no pressure and so thats what he did.

Couple more months pass and he gets into an online program despite my suggestions of on campus as a more focused experience but he was determined to do it online so I trusted him. Everyday I asked him how it was and how it was going asking if I could help, I covered all the bills and let him do his thing. All the while he's getting increasingly stressed out when I do see him working or he isn't working at all and just grinding his games. I figured whatever I've made it clear that I'm here if he needs me everytime I bug him he just snaps at me.

Until eventually he tells me he wants to drop out. I told him if thats what he wanted all I ask is that he looks for a job immediately he agrees. I didn't try to make him feel bad as like I said I've failed twice and wouldn't have wanted my loved ones to rub it in my face or nothing so I wouldn't do that. I firmly live by the treat others the way you want to be treated mentality at least until recently.

Anyways we were in that city for almost 2 years and he only worked those first 3 weeks and I covered everything that whole time always hoping he'd get a job in the next week. Then finally he gets an interview and things look promising until covid hit and it was downhill from there. They never called him back after the interview because they ended up going out of business a few months into quarantine.

So money got tight as my pay took quite a hit since my job at the time was not suited for quarantine conditions. We started fighting a lot until eventually he says he wants to move back to his hometown so we can start a family because he misses his.

At this point I considered it a pretty equal trade because there have been a lot of things that I have wanted out of my relationship but I had not recieved a single one of those things yet and although he had already promised this when we originally moved to Niagara Falls (His conditions in general was that we had to be making decent money and had our own place which we would have met the criteria in Niagara as soon as he had landed a job) but the promise of finally maybe getting to have a baby like I've always wanted was being dangled in front of me and that is well worth trading in a great job and a great place that was relatively inexpensive that we called our own. So we moved back to his hometown.

Now we are in the middle of quarantine when we do this, I use up all of my savings to move us there so that we can rent a room (with no door) at his sisters place until we can find a place to rent of our own or get enough to but a house whatever comes first, we only planned on staying a max of 6 months.

He was able to find a job almost immediately but for whatever reason I had a really hard time, and in the beginning he was pretty supportive of me insisting that I could use the break (although I could use it im not the type that feels safe unless I have stable income so I was frantically looking everyday) but it only took a couple weeks before he changed his tune asking why I didn't have as much money saved as I had when we were first got there (I have more expenses then him like OSAP payments from when I flunked out of college but to me that's besides the point I never harassed him about money when he wasn't working but now he was doing it to me and thats what bugged me) which caused more fighting between us, everytime I would tell him that something he did upset me he would just tell me that he isn't responsible for how I feel about things and that I'm just being emotional. Now I do have BPD so I am emotional and I am fully aware that I blow things out of proportion a lot of the time. But I'm pretty good at handling it like I can say "I don't like when you say/do *this* it make me feel like *this(usually some synonym for bad)* something I learned from taking DBT and CBT phrasing thats meant to prevent me from blowing up but when he responds with *I shouldn't have to filter myself* I tend to lose it because I was literally trained how to communicate and no matter how hard I tried it felt like he would not listen. Especially when it comes to me feeling like an equal in the relationship. Which leads us to the next thing that was something I wanted out of the relationship, I want us to have a car so I can go for my license again. Since I finally got a job at the other end of town I brought this up again seeing as in our new circumstances of living with his sister his promises of starting a family were out of the question so to me it was a compromise.

He wants to get a used car, I'm fine with a used car but I don't want to wait forever and I do like the assurance of longevity of a newer car. He agreed and had me start looking at used cars(he always makes me look at cars and places when we've looked at vehicles and places he refuses to help or do it himself) so I did, I would send him a couple options a day and he would find a problem with every single one. Then after the first day I ended up not having a ride home from work which happened to be in a snow storm where I found out that it is a 2 hour walk from my workplace to my home, I insisted he at least go and look at the pricing of some new cars and give it a chance because we could get into a vehicle much sooner. And he agreed and made an appointment.

This is kinda where the story climaxes, so when we first moved back to his hometown I still managed to keep a whopping 1500$ saved as my contribution to the car. And by the time the appointment came i had, had to dip into it a bit so I only had 1200$ but I knew I would have more by the end of the month to ad on top of my savings anyways so I wasn't worried about it.

Anyways so we are walking to the dealership its about a 1 hour walk away but he decided to book the appointment for 45 minutes after he was done work. So as soon as he got home we were out the door again. At the start of this walk I was so happy, ecstatic even, I was finally getting something I was finally feeling heard and I was finally feeling like an equal then he asked me as we were walking "How much do you have saved for the car?"

So the first thing I told him was that it was hard to say exactly as I still had a couple pays I would be getting and would have more by the end of the month but I have no idea how much is be getting paid so I wouldn't be able to say exactly what I would have saved.

He immediately gets angry with me saying that I should have MORE than $1500 saved even though I'd been without work until probably 3 weeks prior and still contributing to all the bills. And then asked me again specifically he said "How much do you have in your savings right now?" So I told him 1200 because in that moment thats exactly how much I had, and that was completely unacceptable. So I got on the defensive because I was doing my best here and him shaming me for it was not going to remedy the situation. Then he was upset that I was upset with him, it was unreasonable for me to be angry about him getting mad about my savings. So I finally asked how much he had saved and he said $1000. Which made me right ticked off because to me after all I did in the past 2 years with and for him, he was getting mad when he still didn't even have as much saved as me. Then it became a blame game and I escalated into me letting out a single scream, not at him, I get overwhelmed and I need to release that extra energy to calm myself down I had even walked away from him so I could do it, I had tried to walk away from the conversation before I had gotten that far but he refused to let me. Either way there was a moment of silence before he told me he was breaking up with me. On the side of a road, in the middle of an argument, on our way to pick up the one thing that I was finally supposed to be getting for myself, he decides to end it.

At this point it was literally like the whole world was collapsing around me all my emotions were on top volume and 8 could hardly breath or think. I called a friend to pick me up and I told them everything that had happened, they assured me that they believed I was in the right in this situation and maybe if I hadn't yelled and maybe if I didn't have BPD I would've believed that first but I felt I was equally to blame for what happened either way. Now because I'm living with him and we have no door and I didn't have any place else to go I had to go back to his sisters to go to bed, but I was anxious mess and didn't end up being able to sleep the whole night. And he slept next me totally fine and if I hadn't broken down the next morning we probably would've stayed broken up.

But I begged.

Like really fucking begged, I'm still ashamed of it, but I love him, I've been in love with him for 4 years now, he's the person I wanted to have kids with a life with, I didn't invest all this time to just let him go like I have with guys in the past. He's only the second person I ever slept with and the first guy was only one time and it was a very disappointing experience so there was and still is a lot of fear about even knowing if I could feel the same way about someone else the way I feel like him.

He gave me a condition, that I see a doctor and get my BPD and Anxiety under wraps with medication. And so in the hopes of maybe helping myself in the process I agree. Because I figure at the very least if I go on medication he can no longer use my extreme emotions as his defense.

I have been on this new medication for 3 weeks now, and knock-on-wood im feeling pretty good these days emotions wise. I don't quite feel like myself but its still early I think I'm just in the process of relearning who I am on a less emotional level. But there are things that are still bugging me about the relationship things I have brought up in the past and he's said he would try to do better with but has not.

Here's a short list of some of these things:

Using "You can't bring up the past to defend himself when I bring up points of behavior that prove that he has been doing certain things to me still despite me saying its unwelcome.

His "Rules" they themselves are not the problem they are definitely reasonable, my problem is that if I break any of the rules its an immediate guilt trip (more like a stern look and some huffing to be clear he doesn't hit me or nothing and he's only actually yelled AT me 2 times in our whole relationship but he's very good at making me feel like I've done something horrible when I havent) he however is allowed to break his rules as apparently they do not apply to him only me. I.e. I have to make my side of the bed if I so much as leave it to run to the washroom but he can leave his side unmade when he goes to work. None of my stuff is allowed on his side of the bed even when he's not home but everytime I come home from work I have to pick up his stuff that strewn across my side (I have lots more examples but ill leave it at that)

My money is constantly monitored but if I ask him how much he's got "its not important information right now".

I only get affection on his terms not my own. If I want a kiss I literally have to jump through hoops to get it whether I'm the one leaving for work or he is, its always just a joke to him he will barely even give me just a regular sweet kiss its always him trying to gross me out in the process.

I never get hugs like ever (literally I've had 1.5 in the 4 years we've been together)

Continuous empty promises, hes now getting what he wants and in a week or so we should have a used car but I'm not sure I want to be a part of that anymore but we'll see on that. We still aren't in a situation where we can have kids and despite his numerous times assuring me he wants out of his sisters place as much as I do when I recently asked about looking for a place he said "That won't be for awhile so its not important".

And the biggest issue I'm having is even with the new meds ever since the break up I now live in this endless fear that I could say one wrong thing and he'll just leave.

To be clear we've talked about a lot of these things recently again as the new meds have made it easier to be firm about what I want out of this relationship I even went as far as to ask him to at least go talk to a doctor himself and he told me "He doesn't believe meds work" which led me down a huge mental spiral but I'm working through it. Other than that he did say once again he was going to try harder but right now I feel like I'm performing a dangerous balancing act on the fence of my life.

I still love him and thats the biggest thing holding me together right now but there are a lot more things to take into consideration im thinking more and more about how I want my kids to grow up, and I can't help but wonder if he can make me, the person he loves, even if unintentionally feel as bad and worthless as he's made me feel before what if our child felt the same way. Or the fact he has very opposing views than me on gender and sexuality and what happens if he continues to believe what he does and we have a kid who's gender neutral or trans and he makes them feel unloved and unacceptable because they don't fit into his little box of what he wants.

I don't know what I want anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I honestly don't know why I want it to work so bad. Maybe its because its been 4 years but for me despite my love for him and a great handful of some pretty pleasant times, I've been relatively unhappy.

I pray that the universe may help me on the right path because I'm having a hard time distinguishing it myself.