#cause cigarettes make you feel less hungry and agitated

[gxlden-angels]

Shoutout to my therapist for now ending sessions with "We out here sinning! We out here suffering!" as a weirdly hopeful affirmation for me

[an-au-blog]

Trans (ftm)Sanji who absolutely refuses to sleep with Zoro for multiple reasons. They've been together for a while but he never let's them go further than making out. (because i need to post angst more than I need air)

CW: some sexual themes!!!, body dysmorphia, easting disorder, internalized transphobia, mentioned pregnancy, emotional breakdown

Sanji's main concerns were that: 1. Zoro wouldn't want to be with him because he "wasn't a proper man", 2. he'd treat him differently or 3. he would end up pregnant. That probably terrified him the most. Everything about it was horrifying to him: the idea of carrying a living thing in his body appalled him. And even if he lived through it, he was also scared with how the child would turn out. What if it turned out like him, or even worse - like his biological brothers or father, not to mention it could be physically unwell with how much he smoked.

One day, in the heat of the moment making out, Sanji gets carried away and forgets himself. It was only when Zoro started grinding against him that he started getting nervous again. The swordsman broke the kiss and pulled away a bit. "Is something wrong? he asked, I have a feeling this isn't doing anything for you..."

Sanji realized he was talking about not feeling his erection, and he feels like a moron for letting it get to there. On autopilot he answered "I'm fine, I'm a bit under the weather is all" while lighting a cigarette. He walked out ignoring whatever Zoro tried to tell him and as soon as he was out of sight he rand to a secluded area. Thought started flooding him.

He'll think I'm not attracted to him, and then he'll break up with me, and he'll hate me, he'll find out what I am and he'll hate me, even worse - he'll think less of me, that I'm weak and tell everyone and they'll leave me, or worse.

He doesn't know when he had fallen on the ground but he was rocking himself with half a pack already gone. His vision was blurry. He wanted to scream to rip his throat open and let all the painful noises bubbling inside it. But everyone would hear... they would hear and would hate him for not being what he's supposed to... So he stood there, hoping he doesn't catch a cold, muffling his sobs best he can, and wondering why he couldn't die on that Godforsaken rock when he had the chance.

But he didn't have the power over that. What he did have the power over was his own wretched body that caused him so much pain and what he did with it.

He decided from that day on, he was going to reduce his meals in half. If he became thinner maybe what little was left of his breasts would vanish and at least he wouldn't have to wear something to suppress them. So he did. He did it as subtly as possible. But maybe didn't do it as well as he thought. He realized they might be onto him when Luffy of all people offered him some of his food. Sanji declined and lied saying he had a big lunch, so he's not hungry now. But then the next day Zoro approached him to call him out on his bullshit. He would end up pushing him away eventually, maybe if he started being meaner and more standoffish from now, it would seem less of a problem when Zoro leaves him.

Still, Sanji didn't know how to deflect the accusations, so he did what he did best and agitated him best he could. It led to a fight that Sanji lost. Not eating was more draining than he thought. They would usually tie or at least have someone interfere but he was out in less that five minutes. He was weak. As punishment, he decided he would stop eating dinner altogether.

He was good with food. He's known food all his life, and it's the only thing that he feels like he could control. So at least that, he could do.

[dickie-gayson]

Rockabye

CHAPTER 1: LOVE AND DEVOTION

Summary:  After an accident took Bruce from their family and their 'uncle' forced them out, Dick's been left to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives. He's tested day in and day out on just how far he'll go to keep his siblings safe and warm.

Characters: Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Damian Wayne, Tim Drake, Cassandra Cain, Alfred Pennyworth, Thomas Wayne Jr.

Genre: Family, Hurt/Comfort

Length: 3k+

Other: Dick adopts and takes care of his younger siblings. Jason is an overprotective little brother. Civilian!AU, Stripper!Dick, Waiter!Dick, the other siblings are all students, Thomas Wayne Jr is Creepy AF toward Dick. Jason wants to be a pediatrician, Cass wants to be a Dancer, Dami wants to be a vet, and Tim doesn’t know what to do anymore.

Find It On: Ao3 Fanfiction

LOVE AND DEVOTION

The faint scent of citrus and smoke lingered in the air as a cacophony of music and drunken chattering painted the room with what could only be described as grating background noise. In the dim lighting of the strip club, the hazy trails of cigarette smoke could be seen hanging in the atmosphere. Nine Lives was as refined an establishment as it was sleazy in its backdoor dealings. The traffic it drew varied from patrons eager to get drunk and ogle the entertainment to shady individuals with less than noble intentions. Anyone who spent time in the underground crime scene knew of this place, if for no other reason than the owner of the club; Sal Maroni.

Dick hated this place with every fiber of his being, but he needed the money desperately. Had he any better option, he wouldn't hesitate to take it. Sadly, there were surprisingly few opportunities for a former circus performer and ex-cop. Perhaps it had less to do with his resume and more to do with who is family is, or rather was. Being the son of a deceased billionaire garnered little sympathy, even one as benevolent as a Wayne. If only they knew why he was searching for a job. In the end, his pride wasn't worth a damn when his little siblings were starving. There wasn't a thing on this earth he wouldn't do for them. That much was being proven every day.

He could still remember the moment he found out about the accident. His world fell apart around him once more. And while he and his brothers and sister had been grieving, their 'uncle' swooped in to pick the remains of their inheritance clean. He'd taken the manor and evicted the five as well as their butler without a moment's hesitation. It was the single most callous display of human greed and malignance he'd ever seen.

There'd been a moment of hope that the six wouldn't be left homeless. Thomas had taken him aside, an almost kind expression on his face. It made Dick's skin crawl. The man was never kind. It had to be a ruse in an effort to further his own agenda. The words that came from Thomas' lips, the sliding hand and growing leer only justified that thought. He'd let them live in the manor, all of them, under one simple condition. He felt disgusted, downright nauseous at the memory of the proposition alone.

Thomas never used to be like that. Sure, he never was a pleasant man. There was something innately...unsettling, almost evil, about him. A bone-deep coldness that no amount of money or faux-grins could hide. Being around him for any length of time felt like sitting next to a hungry cobra. He was far too calculating and distant from anything even resembling human emotions to be comforting company. Still, what he proposed was sick. Dick noticed the mounting change over time. Thomas had always been interested in his acrobatics, but never in any way more than clinical interest, to see what asset he could be to the man's enterprise.

That began to change as he aged. When he started to grow into himself and fill out into his current appearance was when those icy, appraising stares turned a little more into interested leers. Touches drifted and lingered uncomfortably. Words turned almost slimy to the ear. He wasn't the only one to notice. His father confronted Thomas in a fit of explosive rage and it quickly turned violent. Had Alfred not split it up, the cops surely would have been involved. After that, Thomas made himself scarce. In fact, the next time he saw his 'uncle' was at the funeral. The man had the audacity to arrive late without an ounce of remorse or sadness. One would never believe his little brother lay in the casket from the uncaring way he lingered in the back. The entire time, Dick felt those unsettling eyes watching him like a hawk.

After that is when Thomas evicted the five and fired Alfred. He'd fought tooth and nail with the man. How could he just kick out his niece and nephews, one of which was thirteen and sickly and the other only nine? That oily little smile gave him a clue just what sort of proposition was coming. Even though he'd been expecting it, it still didn't stop the sickening feeling from rising in his stomach. Despite the fact that it made his gut churn in horror, he actually contemplated accepting the terms just so his siblings and unofficial grandfather had somewhere to sleep and food to eat. Jason, bless his soul, intervened with an anger and vicious protectiveness that matched their father's. It was what kept him from taking the deal. However, not a day went by where he didn't think of calling Thomas up and accepting.

He was pulled from the thoughts as he made his way out of the back halls of the strip club, deftly stepping around other dancers. It was reaching one in the morning and his shift was officially over. He took his tips and couldn't wait to get back to their shitty apartment and just crash for a few hours. He halted midstep when his eyes landed on the familiar form of his little brother hunched over a breakroom table, steadily writing away. He couldn't help but let out a slightly frustrated sigh. Jason knew better than to be here, especially on a school night, especially at this time. Then again, the teen never cared much to follow rules he didn't like. It seemed to be a family trait.

Quietly, he crept up on his brother and peeked over his shoulder to see what had him so enraptured. It appeared to be an essay about the Catcher in the Rye. He could remember reading that in high school, though it hadn't really caught his attention well. Jason was far more enthusiastic about school and its entailed work than any of the other siblings. He'd even been a Class Officer, whatever that meant. Dick liked to tease him about being a nerd, despite his 'James Dean, rebel with a cause' style he had going on. Never before did he see a guy rocking a leather jacket, combat boots, and riding a motorcycle so excited to do extra credit homework. The kid was going places, that much was known and Dick couldn't be prouder.

For a moment, he just stood there and watched his little brother scribble furiously and make agitated noises while erasing. Then, he cleared his throat, causing the younger man to startle violently. He had to duck a backhanded punch. The string of swears slipping from his brother caused him to laugh lightly. Dick slung his arm over his shoulder and nudged him.

"What are you doing here?"

The spread of crimson across his cheeks showed that he was sufficiently embarrassed. Naturally, to cover up that perceived weakness, Jason shoved at him with a glare. It wasn't nearly as intimidating when his face was doing a good impression of a tomato. He never was big on showing anything he considered a 'weakness', even something like caring. Really, he couldn't blame his brother. With his past and where he came from, something like that could be held against him.

"What does it look like? Waiting for you, dumbass."

It was hard to take it as an insult when the words were mumbled out with a genuinely caring edge. Dick just sighed and leaned back to let Jason gather his stuff and stand.

"I told you not to wait here for me, especially on school nights."

The look he got was only mildly scathing in nature, which was a plus.

"Yeah? And I told you I don't care. There are way too many creeps around here."

An amused little smirk curled the corner of Dick's lips. While his brother might have trouble really expressing himself - who didn't in his family? - he had a real heart of gold. It was adorable.

"Aww. how sweet. Your concern is really endearing. You don't think I can take care of myself?"

His attempt at ruffling Jason's hair was thwarted by a dodge and half-hearted swipe from the younger boy.

"Shut up, dickhead. I know you can, but these assholes don't play fair. I'm just evening the odds."

There was that slight twist of his features that showed just how embarrassed he was to display any concern. The thought that his seventeen-year-old little brother was 'evening the odds' was almost surreal. Though, he couldn't really deny that he was growing to be intimidating in stature. The two were damn near eye level now with Jason being broader built and more heavily muscled, cutting an imposing figure.

"Alright, alright. C'mon, you know Alfie's waiting up to chew you out, and by proxy me. Plus you gotta get up in like five hours."

Jason just let out a scoff and very pointedly rolled his eyes.

"So do you. You don't sleep, I don't sleep. That's the rules."

It tugged at Dick's heart how serious Jason was about that. He'd been fighting with his brother over this since everything fell apart. Jason figured if he refused to sleep until Dick did, it'd encourage the older man to sleep more and take better care of himself. It was as endearing as it was heartbreaking.

"That's definitely not the rules. If you start falling behind in school because you don't sleep, it'll be harder for you to get a scholarship."

Jason just looked at his feet with a scowl firmly in place at the words. He knew it to be true, but that didn't mean he liked it.

"Wouldn't need a scholarship if that asshole didn't take everything."

His words were filled to the brim with a searing hatred and Dick mirrored those feelings. Though there was a touch more fear on Dick's end, for obvious reasons. With a low sigh, he put a hand on Jason's shoulder as they made their way toward the exit.

"I know. We'll work things out though, we always do. Besides, you're so damn smart, Jay. Colleges are probably lining up with scholarships for you."

Try as he might, Jason couldn't quite suppress the pleased little grin from appearing on his lips. Getting praise still felt strange to him, even four years after being taken into the family. But it was a nice sort of strange. It's one reason he fought so fiercely for them all, even if sometimes he wanted to throw his little brothers in a ditch somewhere. They all came from broken backgrounds yet they managed to find a common thread in their pains that tied them together in this strange little fucked up family of theirs. Even that absolute douchebag that is Bruce's older brother couldn't shatter their bond. If anything, he only served to make their attachment to one another stronger. Still, if Jason had the opportunity, he'd shatter Thomas' everything with a baseball bat, no hesitation.

"Damn right they are. Who wouldn't want me to attend their school?"

A cocky, crooked grin was sent Dick's way, causing the older man to laugh lightly.

"Exactly! I can see it now: Doctor Todd, the renowned pediatrician. They'd be crazy not to snatch you up."

Jason was quiet for a moment, that small smile still in place. There seemed to be an added heaviness to his features, a sort of sadness that Dick was all too familiar with. Without looking at him, Jason spoke in a small voice.

"You think Bruce would be proud?"

The words caused Dick's heart to break all over again. For what seemed to be the millionth time, he cursed the drunk driver that had caused the horrible accident that took their father from them. He gave Jason a tight, one-armed hug, knowing he wasn't big on physical affection.

"Absolutely. We're all so proud of you, Little Wing. Don't ever forget it."

That heaviness that seemed to weigh Jason down lightened just a bit at the heartfelt words. He'd always had an affinity with kids and loved to help others. His decision was only solidified after the accident when the doctors couldn't save Bruce. It had also caused Tim internal injuries, resulting in him needing to have a kidney removed. Some trauma never left and he's been borderline sickly ever since. They needed special - and pricey - medication to keep him healthy. Jason wanted to help those like his family, those that lost it all. He'd planned to work in a free clinic as he knew all too well how bullshit the medical system has become.

Dick tossed a casual 'bye' to his coworkers as they went out the back. They returned with a chorus of good-byes, many of them tacking on 'Little Wing', much to Jason's intense mortification. Dick had to bite his tongue not to laugh at his brother's cherry-red face. The scowl would be more threatening if it didn't look closer to an embarrassed pout. He got a shove for his efforts. Jason huffed and crossed his arms, looking all the part of a moody teen now more than ever. Dick just shook his head in amusement.

Both brothers walked in silence down the darkened Gotham streets, each lost in thought. They made careful to avoid alleys like the plague. 'Evening the Odds' didn't mean they felt even remotely safe traversing those passages and with good reason. The chances of them getting mugged or worse were astronomically high, even if they were two grown men. Well, one grown and one almost eighteen, but Jason certainly looked the part. Dick would very much rather drive to and from work, but he did so as little as possible. Their money was tight as is, he couldn't afford the gas, repairs, or payments to maintain a vehicle. That hatred for Thomas in him burned a little brighter.

At Jason's insistent nudge, Dick crossed the street. He gave his brother an inquisitive look only to notice the sharp way he was staring at one particular alley. Quickly, Jason averted his eyes in an effort not to be caught looking by whoever the hell was lurking. Dick didn't see anyone but he trusted Jason's instincts. He grew up on these streets and knew the ins and outs better than any of them. If he thought something was up with that alley, they could take a detour around the entrance. Anything to keep his baby brother safe.

He didn't ask and Jason didn't tell. That's how it usually was with the streets. Better to keep quiet and pretend you didn't see anything than make yourself a target. Dick sighed softly at the life they now led. One day, it'll change. He swore it. No matter what he has to do, he'll change it for them. Until that day, they'd scrape by one way or another.

There was an obvious ease of tension once they stepped into their shitty apartment complex. It was small, the walls were cracked and yellowed, the floor looked and felt like it hadn't been cleaned in ages, and he's pretty sure their neighbor was a drug dealer, but it was better than the streets. They only had two bedrooms to split between six people. It was a tight squeeze, especially compared to the cushy life they had at the manor.

The two tiptoed around the creaking floors in an effort not to disturb the sleeping kids. Before he got far, Dick noticed Damian fast asleep on the couch, clearly waiting for him to return. He frowned lightly as he debated on moving the young boy to his room but decided against it. Damian was a notoriously light sleeper and he wanted to disturb him as little as possible.

The eldest brother continued on his path and peeked his head into one room to check on his other younger siblings. Tim was curled up on a beat up mattress and Cass was sprawled out on the mat next to the bed, both sound asleep. Or so he thought. Cass appeared to have heard him despite his best efforts and looked over at the door, body tensed to move. Once she recognized the intruder as Dick she relaxed and flashed him a small, tired grin. He gave her one in return and signed an apology. She just gave a light shrug before curling back up to sleep.

Dick moved from the doorframe and looked into the other room. As he suspected, Alfred was up and sitting in a chair, reading a book like it wasn't after one in the morning. The elderly man glanced up, looking as put together as ever despite the time. Dick gave him a small wave and smile. Alfred returned it in like before marking his place and putting the book down. It looked as if he didn't want to sleep until his two eldest were safely home. Dick hated that. He just wanted the others to take it easy, not wait up for him because he couldn't get a better job in a safer place. They deserved better than they were getting. It grated on his every nerve.

Jason gave him a somewhat awkward shoulder-pat as he moved passed him to lay down on his own mat. It was his way of being affectionate without having to get too touchy. He gave the younger man a slight grin and quiet 'good night' before making his way toward the bathroom to take a shower. He needed to wash the stench of the club off him. It helped him feel cleaner on a more than skin deep level. Not to mention his customers at the diner probably wouldn't appreciate the scent of liquor and sweat or the copious amounts of glitter coming off of him.

It had to be a brisk shower, the hot water rarely lasted long, much to everyone's frustration. Once he was clean, he made his way to the living room to get a nap before having to take his shift at The Monarch Diner. That place was possibly as bad as Nine Lives. He's pretty certain they hired him because he was nice to look at. They encouraged him to flirt with customers in hopes of better tips and returning patrons. Well, it certainly worked. He's had enough creepy people returning just to try and get with him. Both Jason and Damian have nearly been banned for attempting to throttle some of the more touchy customers.

Since then, he's toned down on the flirting, even if his bosses insist otherwise. It wasn't their asses on the line. They weren't the ones who had to look over their shoulders for literal stalkers. God, he hated working there but there wasn't much else for him to do. He's constantly looking for better jobs but without success. Even Alfred's taken up a job working at a hotel to clean the rooms in an effort to keep the income somewhat steady. It only made Dick all the more determined to find something, anything, better.

He slipped onto the couch quietly, trying to disturb the nine-year-old as little as possible. The kid, attentive as ever, woke at the shifting of the cushions. Spotting his eldest brother, Damian curled up closer to him. Dick wrapped him in a hug and ran his fingers through his raven locks to try to coax him back to sleep. He placed a gentle kiss on the top of his head and tried to enjoy his few hours of peace. It'd get better for them, it had to.