#caught this on my 37th watch

[anthropoceneic]

Alexandre Cavanel’s The Fallen Angel (1847)

Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005)

[amuseoffyre]

Just had GO s2 on in the background while I was doing some craft and some percolating thoughts came out of the first Maggie and Nina exchange.

Nina: See anything you fancy? Maggie: Oh. Yes. Coffee. Nina: The usual, then? Don't tell me, it's in here. You're a skinny latte. Maggie: You remembered :) Nina: A lot of people in this head, and a lot of coffees, but I only remember the regulars.

Now bear with me on this mental ramble as I try and put these thoughts in order. I'll divide it into three points:

Mind-altering and memory muddles

There's a running motif through the whole season about memory and the loss thereof:

Gabriel removing his memory ("all the bits that make you you")

Crowley forgetting who Furfur was repeatedly

Aziraphale and Crowley's miracle basically casting confusion over the bookshop and muddling everyone's minds

the threat of erasure of memory and demotion (and am still sure Muriel is a previous demotee on account of the 37th level thing. 3s and 12s! Those are the recurring numbers in the book! 37 doesn't make sense! 36, yes! 37, no!)

putting memories somewhere else (Gabriel's fly but also Aziraphale's journals)

Coffee

As with the memory element, coffee is a running theme through the whole show as well.

Crowley chugging espressos like there's no tomorrow

Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death - "does anyone ever choose death?" asks the Metatron, when the answer is obvious

Coffee's symbolism in the final 15. Let me yell about the symbolism of Coffee = Crowley and all things mortal and living and human and earthly. OR DEATH. ("I have ingested things, you know")

The flavours in the Metatron's coffee order also having allegorical symbolism - almond branches in various parts of The Book are a reminder that God is Watching.

The human avatars of the angelic and divine

Initially when I started watching S2, I assumed the parallels between Maggie and Nina were obvious: Maggie, the sunshine one, is the Aziraphale, while Nina, the grumpy one, is the Crowley. But I was wrong.

Nina is the human avatar of Aziraphale.

Maggie: how can you think about that after all this? Nina: People need coffee, I sell coffee, it's my coffee shop.

Nina defines herself by the place she works, it is who she is and she does it because people need it (coffee), much like Aziraphale defines himself by the place he worked (Heaven), it's who he is (an angel) and he does it because people need it (goodness).

Likewise, when they go and tell Crowley off for the way he's interfered in their lives, Nina says she's just getting out of a messy relationship and isn't ready for something new yet (again, Aziraphale and Heaven vibes because that fully impacts every decision Aziraphale makes through S2) and if Maggie is around when she's ready, then maybe, they can try. ("If she's there" "I will be :) ")

And then we have Maggie, the Crowley avatar. Useless at saying what she wants to say, tries to express herself and her emotions with gestures and gifts, offers her company and time when Nina needs it, happy to help her despite the way Nina is wary of the kindness being shown.

By the end of the season, Nina is caught behind the bar of her coffee shop, working and serving ungrateful people, while Maggie is alone in her empty shop, asleep on her counter, paralleling Aziraphale going back to work in a place where he will run himself off his feet to do the right thing, while Crowley is left with an empty shop.

But now to spin back to the original quote from 2x01, it feels like all of these motifs are tying together and foreshadowing something, very possibly an Aziraphale who has lost his memory/had his memories stripped away.

Let me rewrite the lines with only a tiny couple of changes:

Aziraphale: See anything you fancy? Crowley: Oh. Ngk. Company? Aziraphale: The usual, then? Don't tell me, it's in here. You're the demon Crowley. Crowley: You remembered :) Aziraphale: A lot of angels in this head, and a lot of demons, but I only remember the regulars.

If I'm right, he remembers Crowley, but only the surface level like Nina remembers Maggie. Nothing about who they were to each other, nothing about what has happened. But have no fear, Muriel has the bookshop and the thousands and thousands of years of Aziraphale's memories bound up in text form.

Especially prescient since Muriel is given a book by the Metatron Crowley which is a novel where a man pieces together a story from documents that have been left behind. Schroedinger's journals will be making a return in S3, I have no doubt.

[jerardeusebio]

The Funeral Run

I feel ambivalent about naming inanimate objects. For one, it feels counter to non-attachment, a Buddhist philosophy I’ve embraced and committed to practicing to the best of my ability. Another reason is the implied materialism of such an action. Again, it feels incongruent with the narrative I’ve created about myself. But a few weeks ago, the "death" of my five year-old running watch surprised me. I know this sounds bizarre, and the strangeness starts with its intensity and climaxes in the way I responded to it.

I bought the most basic running Garmin in 2019: the Forerunner 35. This was about a week after my iPhone 5S, which slid out of my running shorts, got run over by a tricycle. Intimidated by the price of iPhones, I decided to buy an Android. What I saved from settling on a more affordable phone would allow me, for the first time in my then nine years as a runner, to buy a running watch. Since moving back to my home campus a year prior, I had renewed my commitment to the sport and was logging considerable miles. A GPS watch made perfect sense.

One fine Sunday, after several days of research on running watches, I marched into the Glorietta 5 Garmin store and bought the thing. I wore it for the rest of that day at the mall. I caught myself glancing at it, trying to catch the minute turn, checking to see how it looked on my left wrist, preening in the mirrors and windows I passed, happy to have assumed this new self. Before the purchase, my vision of who I was and what I did was clear: educator, writer, and runner. Now, I was still all three, except now I was a runner with a GPS watch! In an effort not to name my things, I simply referred to it as “Garmin.”

That day at the mall, there was just no way of knowing what was to come. By my best estimate, Garmin had accompanied me to about a thousand runs since its purchase. Not just this: it had seen me through two falls (the scars from which have already faded), the COVID-19 pandemic (and my shortlived shift to cycling), my tenure, four heartbreaks, countless lectures (both given by me and given to me), classes, students, faculty meetings, committee meetings, meetings with big wigs, awarding ceremonies, speeches, and a whole lot of firsts that would be impossible to contain here. Garmin has monitored my heart rate, informed me every time I hit my step goal, and congratulated me—six times in the past year—when I breached the half-marathon distance.

Garmin stopped working on the morning of June 9th, 2024. My family was in Taal for my parents’ 37th anniversary celebration. Confident of its durability and the many instances I’ve swum with it, I wore it to the pool, ignoring the peculiarly intense scent of chlorine as we approached the water. My guess is that it suffered undue pressure, being caught in between my arm and my mother, whom I lifted from the water as a dare. The high chlorine concentration must have ruined the already worn-down waterproofing. When we got back to our room, I was distressed that it no longer showed the time. I held on to hope for a few days. I buried it in rice. Left it under the sun. Wore it to work for two days despite its uselessness. When I was convinced it was safe, as my last try, I charged it. I left it in an upright position on my bedside table. It still didn’t work when I checked it after an hour. And my heart sank when I saw a little pool of water right where I had picked it up.

What ensued was an intense week of mourning. My attachment to Garmin was such that on the day I accepted its death, I decided to run with it for the last time. One for the road. I ran a kilometer for each year it had spent with me/I had spent with it. At kilometer three, looking at its blank screen and remembering our years of togetherness, a lump began to form in my throat. Cooling down, I held my left wrist up before me, Mt. Makiling in the background. As I studied Garmin, my now really dead inanimate running watch, I whispered a thank you. I then pressed it to my right cheek. It stayed there for a while, as the tears rolled down my eyes.

Back in my room, I placed it in a rectangular black box, where my other old dead timepieces were. Each of them displayed their time of death, clear and final. Only Garmin had a blank screen, its time of death a mystery. Later that night, I stared at the ceiling, awake in the darkness, wondering about my strange behavior, my absurd response. And in the end, I understood the things I was grieving for and over: unrecoverable versions of myself, time and distance past, and the end of a story that brings with it the excruciating, inescapable start of another.

[zedecksiew]

WHAT I DID ON MY 37TH BIRTHDAY

Princess Badisira slew the Usurper, and by this victory won her right to rule the Peacock Court. May her ancestors ever watch and weigh her actions!

+

It was my birthday, Saturday. We visited the beach, then had a steamboat dinner. But before that, in the afternoon, Sharon taught me how to make a linocut plate.

I wanted to make a design specially for my first linocut. It is a fierce little peahen, who has caught a snake. An ominous eye stares down at her.

The plate isn't proofed, yet. Prepping the press and the ink is a pain---so we are holding that until I have several more plates under my belt. Then we can proof them altogether. (I don't know what else to make ...)

I look at the peahen I cut out of the linoleum and I only she her faults:

she is a bit too bulky;

the snake doesn't extend far right enough, unbalancing the design;

the feather textures are so clumsy;

I wish I could be an expert instantly? I wish I wasn't still learning. When will I stop becoming, and just be?

Maybe it is okay. Maybe being is becoming.

I should like to become my imperfect, beginner, brave peahen.

[elizainjapan]

May 31st- Tokyo National Museum and Akihabara

Today was a bit stressful at first, but then it turned out to be one of my favorite days yet! Our first stop was in Ueno Park, which Sam and I had been to yesterday. We had a quiz this morning, but I didn’t know until I was out of the shower, so I had to skip breakfast to take it. Skipping breakfast automatically gets me stressed. At Ueno Park, we went to a shrine and the Tokyo National Museum. While the shrine was very interesting, I could tell I was getting burned out towards the end of the museum. In my defense, I started out very strong. I read all the paragraphs under each item, and I spent like 7 minutes per room. Once I was at room 6 or 7 though, I was tired. I walked most of the rest of the museum, and only read about the things that caught my eye. I promise I like museums usually, but I was still upset about not eating. After this, we walked over to a food market with a bunch of resturants to break for lunch. One hour was definitely not enough time to find a place to eat that everyone could agree on and eat. I was with a group of 7, and we just barely made it back to the meeting spot on time. One of the girls in my group didn’t calculate the price of her meal correctly, so we also had to take time figuring out. The restaurant we chose also gave us super small portion sizes, so what I thought would be a full meal was really only 4 gyozas. I was hangry and very anxious. On our way to the train station, I was walking with Brian towards the back of the group when his train ticket malfunctioned and he couldn’t go through. The rest of the group didn’t notice and boarded the train, so we were stranded. Thankfully Leina had noticed we were stuck so she stayed back to help us. My day got tremendously better when we got to Akihabara (excluding the time we looked at the basement doujinshi, that was disgusting). Since our planned day was over, a small group of us just decided to get lost in the city. We went through side alleys and maid cafes before finally finding the perfect place to spend the evening - an arcade. The one we picked was 9 floors, and it had so many reaction games. It was super cool watching the hardcore Japanese gamers play, especially the ones playing DDR. I had never played before, so Aulora and I tried a game on the basic level. We failed miserably. Our last stop in Akihabara was Mandarake. Here I got the 37th HxH volume (which hasn’t come out the the US yet) and a Doremon manga to practice my Japanese with. I had some enrichment time at the hotel before heading back out to get boba and dinner with Sam and Aulora. We sat in McDonalds for over an hour just talking. Today had a rough start, but everything ended up working out.

The art exhibit that I chose to explore today was the under wear warrior attire. Warriors wore many different outfits throughout the 17th century. For example: formal hitatare, semi-formal suo, and the newer kamishimo. Clothing for battle was made to be worn underneath armor or as an outer surcoat. Fire resistant suits or dig images in Tokyo because of how prominent and popular fires were in the area.

Academic Reflection:

While today’s readings on the psychopathy of otaku culture were super interesting, I also don’t really agree with them. While I was reading them, I was totally on board with most everything that the authors were saying. I thought it was super interesting to recognize the moe database in so many of my favorite showes and I liked how the comparison of Baudrillard’s definition of utopias worked with the anime simulacrum. All of these works of theory were very developed and educated, and I truly felt that the authors covered as much of the bases as they could. What I did not like was the doujinshi we were exposed to.

When talking about otaku culture, it is imperative to speak to the sexual side of it. To ignore the anime pornographic aspect would be moronic. Yet no reading could have prepared me for that basement. That was simply pedophilia. After seeing that store, I cannot bring myself to agree with any of the justifications of pornographic doujinshi in anime minors. Neither authors talked nearly enough about the true side of otaku culture - commercialized porn. It does not matter that it is a fictional character, because I guarantee that many otakus do not see them as fake. They can distinguish between reality and fiction, they just chose not to. It was crazy to see people casually shopping in the store, as if any of of the walls and walls of naked girls was the same as going to 7/11. The nonchalantness of the patrons was very disturbing. While I know that this is not the case for all otakus, I still feel justified to believe that my view of Japanese media changed drastically in minutes, and I do not believe that these simulacrums should be as normalized as they are. The stereotype that otakus are nerdy and creepy shut-ins are stereotypes for a reason.

[havroth-traveler]

Infamous: Meeting the Neighbors

Empire city was in better shape then I thought it would be. The description had been right to call it a waste land. The smell of dust and rot was still in the air. But it wasn’t so bad. People still hustled around. I found a strip mall that still seemed to have stores. A couple of cars parked in the front, and what looked like a watch tower built on top. I wandered up, and didn’t notice any stares so I went it.  Later I found some houses. Okay not really houses, but buildings that were cleaner then most, and had lights on. They might have been apartments or even offices at one point, but I don’t think zoning laws are particularly well enforced. The walk around was nice. I saw some people riding dirt bikes with big hiking packs arrive later in the afternoon. Some people came out of the biggest building. I really was trying to stay with groups to help my blend in ability to keep me out of sight, and the group I had attached myself to was headed somewhere else. I followed them until they had mostly separated and turned to head down a side street, 37th, an dented street sign told me.  There wasn’t much to see on 37th. Decaying building, Dust, trash, a pair of trios in color coordinated shirts, a cat. I paused... realizing I probably just saw something I shouldn’t have. I turned around, and saw a trio in blue shirts and black baseball caps coming towards me.  “Hey” called the first “Get back here”. The second started walking faster, to close the distance. “I don’t recognize you, do you Jake” the Third asked. “ No I don’t. Looks like he didn’t pay his respects either” said the first, in a voice meant to carry.  I took a breath, a couple years in prison, and even more time as a team rocket grunt was enough to teach me that just running away wasn't really gonna be enough. I stopped, turned to face them.   The trio approached until they were only a few feet away. I took a breath to start trying to talk my way out of this, when I saw something falling. Not a moment later, a pair large bricks hit Jake and the third guy in the head. Both dropped, as the second just stared. He swore, and took off back down the 37th. I think I caught something about the Gingers. as I saw a red hear lean over the edge of the building for a moment, before disappearing.   I ran, and ran. Once I thought I was out of the way, I pulled out my bike, and and pedaled. It was getting dark when I finally slowed down, and collected myself. I was hungry, and thirsty, and I had gone far enough that even the hypervisor’s minimap couldn’t tell me where the sewer was.  I put my bike away. I climbed through rubble, and up roofs. The air was still, but I finally found a place, my intuition told me was good enough in case of rain. I fished out my bug out bag, and made a little camp. No fire, and I slept.  ----------------- Doc Character sheet Start of Jump First post

[hungrywriter]

Childhood Friends.

PG10 X Female!driver! reader

They don’t have feelings for each other, right?

“Goodnight, everyone. Night, Pierre,” Y/n laughed as she walked away to the hotel lift. The F1 drivers wanted to spend some time together before the qualifying race the next day. Even as enemies on track, they still consider each other as family. By midnight, the F1 drivers were the only ones left hanging around by the pool. Pierre looked at her retreating figure longingly, secretly hoping she would turn around and come back to him. The rest of the F1 drivers gave each other a knowing look. It was clear that the childhood friends were in love with each other. But they proved that they were in fact stupid and blind when it comes to each other's feelings. 

"Alright, I'm going to say it on behalf of all of us. Pierre? You seriously need to ask her out, man. It's so painful to watch you guys flirt and still not bone each other yet." Lewis spoke out, as others hummed in agreement with him. Pierre was startled by the sudden topic and he immediately shook his head.

"No. No,no,no. We have been friends since we wore diapers. There is no way in hell I am going to ruin it. Besides, I don't think she likes me that way," The Frenchman shrugged. Hearing this, the drivers groaned and rolled their eyes. Some of them even cursed in their own language. Pierre frowned when he heard their responses. Does Y/n really reciprocate his feelings? There was silence before the drivers slowly made their way to their own hotel rooms. 

'I may be stupid, but you are clearly more stupider," Charles said. He patted his back two times before following Carlos to the elevator. Soon, the Frenchman was left all alone to his own thoughts by the pool.

→

“See you at the end?” Y/n asked, opening her arms for a hug. Pierre instantly wraps his around her body. Usually, the hug would last a few seconds, but this time, he felt like hugging her longer for good measure. He then pulled away and gave her a kiss on her forehead. Two drivers then walked away to their respective places on the grid. 

Wow, it is finally the 37th lap out of 40 and a few drivers are already disqualified for the race. We have Stroll coming in at P10, Tsunoda at P9, Gasly at P8, Vettel at P7, Hamilton at P6, Sainz at P5, Leclerc at P4,Ocon at P3, L/N at P2. As usual, Red Bull’s 2 time champion, Max Verstappen, or also known as Super Max, is leading the race. 

Oh, what do we have here? Ocon and L/n fighting for P2. They are dangerously close with each other, side by side! Will L/n be able to secure P2 for this race? Or will Ocon finally be able to beat the younger driver? How thrilling- Oh my God.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems that L/n has crashed into a tree. The entire left side of her car has been totally scrapped off and it has caught on fire. We have not heard any updates from Williams Racing or the driver herself. It looks like she is unconscious. Hold on, L/n! The medical car is on its way. You have our best wishes.”

Pierre was driving when he passed by the crash. Even if the car was on fire, he could still recognise Y/n’s number at the back of the car. While he tried to reassure himself that Y/n is a fighter, he felt his heart drop. But what if she's not? What if he is in the race but the love of his life is dying? Shakily, he tried to ask his engineer about Y/n.

“Is she okay?”

“There are currently no updates. Focus Pierre, we are in the top 10. Let’s not distract ourselves,” The engineer’s words made him furious, so he used that anger to fuel him for the race. He ended up in P6, but he couldn't care less. All he wants right now is Y/n and Y/n only. 

He rushed to his team, asking desperately for the whereabouts of his friend. They pushed him back, not wanting to disrupt the medical team, who were escorting Y/n’s unconscious body into an ambulance. Her helmet was gone, and was replaced with bandages all around her head. His stomach twisted as he saw the gruesome state of his best friend. AlphaTauri’s team principal, Franz Tost, managed to calm him down. Pierre slumped onto the seat and rested his head onto his palms. He can’t lose his best friend. Not when he hasn't told her how he felt. The rest of the day ended with both celebration and chaos. 

1 week:

It was confirmed that Y/n would not be participating for the rest of the season. As a result of her injury this year, she had to undergo as many as three surgeries to restore her body to its original shape. Pierre wanted to DNF for the rest of the race and stay with her, but Principal Franz disallowed him to do so. He had to ensure that Y/n's manager would be by her side 24/7 and would keep him updated. It broke Pierre’s heart to be far away from her but he knew Y/n would want him to continue racing.

1 month:

Y/n had just woken up. Although she felt pain, she was relieved that she was still alive. She looked around to see her manager asleep on the sofa next to her bed. She slowly reached out to the remote control and turned on the television. The first thing she saw was Pierre doing a post race interview. God, how his sweat glistened on his skin and his messed up hair. She felt herself fall in love with him all over again. Deep inside, she wants to tell him how much she loves him, how much she appreciates him. But Pierre doesn't see her that way, right?

3 months:

Pierre was feeding Y/n some food the hospital gave them. She hated it, but how could she no to Pierre? The Frenchman was on a break temporarily as the upcoming race won't be in another 2 weeks. He has been such a great help in Y/n’s healing process, that doctors think he was the reason why her body was healing faster than a usual human. Pierre didn’t mind taking care of her, he secretly liked it too. He would do anything for her. She was beautiful, even if her face was covered with bandages. But he would never say that out loud. Besides, Y/n doesn't feel the same way, right?

6 months:

It was already summer break for the Formula One drivers. By then, the doctors think that it was ready for her to take off her bandages from her face. Much to Pierre’s dismay, the doctors had asked him, or rather use force, to get him out of the room so they could do their job. Pierre didn't like it but he knows the doctors know better. After what felt like hours, the nurses came out and Pierre shot up from his seat immediately. They had pity written all over their faces so he knew something was up. He heard the faint sobs coming from inside the room. As he rushed inside, he saw her looking into the mirror, crying. He had to take a double take to properly look at her face. She now had a huge red scar from the left side of her head, which drags down to her left cheek, and to the chin, which barely made it to the lips. Nonetheless, she was still gorgeous in his eyes.

“I look so ugly, Pierre! Who would want me now?” She cried out, while touching her scar. Biting his lip, he looked away. His mouth was on the verge of bursting. He had to restrain himself from saying more. His little voice is screaming to tell her he wants her. But Y/n doesn’t like him that way, right?

Fuck it.

“I would,” He blurted out. Confusion spread across her face as she looked at Pierre. He slowly made his way to her bed and sat next to her. “I would. I love you. I love that you are willing to take risks. I love that you were willing to wake up early to go to the gym with me. I love the face you make when you eat something new. I love you for sticking by my side all these years. Mon amour, you are so beautiful, with or without that scar.” Since he had confessed, why stop? He leaned in and gave her a light kiss on her lips. However, she didn’t return the kiss, so it made his heart break. He wanted to pull away but he was pulled back onto her lips, now a bit more forcefully. They finally separated after they couldn't breathe anymore. “I love you too, Pierre. Finally, you took so long,”

[yyunari]

%% FIFTEEN - music bank (1.1k words)

SYNOPSIS . many might recognize y/n as one of the most beloved and rounded 4th generation idols. being in aespa brought her a lot of popularity and made her really well known, especially for her looks. when y/n becomes a music bank mc along with enhypen’s sunghoon, what will happen when she meets her old high school crush from back in australia?

“Y/N!”

“SUNGHOON!”

when the two music bank mc’s saw each other, their grinned and did their handshake. because they spent so much time together practicing and going to meetings, they had developed a close friendship. it was especially helpful that they were the same age. y/n looked up to sunghoon as a brother figure to her, since she had grown up as an only child. likewise, sunghoon viewed her as a sister.

“did you sleep well?” sunghoon asked her, knowing full well that sleep was very far down y/n’s priority list.

“you know i didn’t, but it’s fine.” y/n responded. “i can cover my eyebags with concealer and pretend that i have 8 hours of sleep.”

sunghoon frowned at this. “i’ve told you multiple times that you need to sleep earlier…. especially since we’re going to be busy from now on.”

“my emo thoughts keep me up at night……” y/n joked, hoping that sunghoon would drop the topic.

luckily, he did. “you’re not funny.”

they both chuckled and began walking to their dressing rooms in a bit of a hurry, since they didn’t have much time to prepare. they had to get fully dressed, get in makeup, practice their lines, and block butter on the stage.

“by the way, did ningning ever apologize for the tweet?” sunghoon asked, as he gave y/n a short glance.

despite how much she loved sunghoon, she was a bit irked with how he randomly brought it up when she was already stressed about music bank. still, she couldn’t blame him for being curious and worrying about her.

“not yet….” y/n sighed. “honestly, we haven’t talked much since then. i wasn’t able to say bye to the girls before i left since i had to leave early, but yesterday she walked into my room and asked if she could use my hairbrush.”

“seriously, does she even know what she said was wrong? because if i said something like that on accident i would have caught myself and apologized.” sunghoon thoughtfully said.

y/n agreed. she didn’t understand how ningning could go about her day without apologizing unless she actually meant what she said. she didn’t want to think badly of her best friend, but at the same time ningning being rude and passive aggressive was just adding onto the stress that was already dog piled onto y/n.

“i don’t even know…. let’s just focus on what we have to do right now.” y/n sighed. “i’m going to go change, bye hoon!”

the two waved at each other and y/n entered her dressing room, all while a million thoughts ran through her head.

“ever-evolving k-pop! the heart of the korean wave!” sunghoon started.

“with the world watching it’s….”

“music bank!”

“hello bank patrons! i’m y/n from aespa, part of the 37th music bank mc’s!”

“and i’m sunghoon from enhypen.”

“today is our first day working at music bank! today is— oh wait, i already said that.” y/n coughed, having read her line wrong. “sorry, i keep messing up….. i’m really nervous.”

y/n and sunghoon were in sunghoon’s dressing room, practicing their lines. the whole time, y/n felt her heart pounding in her chest and her breath coming out uneven. the nerves had already gotten to her, and she needed to figure out how to subside them.

sunghoon chuckled. “it’s fine, at least this is just practice. and we’ll have cue cards on stage so we’ll be fine.”

y/n nodded at that. “you’re right, i really shouldn’t be this nervous.”

“is it because you’re trying to impress someone?” sunghoon winked.

“what? of course not.” y/n defended. “i’m not sure why you would think that.”

“so you don’t have any lingering feelings for jake?”

y/n clicked her tongue and tried to hit sunghoon’s shoulder, though he was able to dodge it. “why would i? i’m mad at him right now….”

before sunghoon could ask why, she pulled up her texts with jake regarding the ‘ningning situation’. as he read the conversation, his face slowly morphed into a confused expression at what his friend had said.

“dude…. i don’t know why he’s acting like that. he literally only plays genshin with her and texts her occasionally, he’s being way too nice.” sunghoon started, then quickly retracted his statement. “actually, i think i do know why.”

“why?”

“he li—”

a knock on the door interrupted what he was going to say.

“sunghoon!”

before either of them could tell them not to enter, the door opened to reveal the rest of enhypen. the guys hadn’t seemed to notice her yet, as they went up to sunghoon to congratulate him and didn’t bat her an eye.

it wasn’t until y/n shuffled over to grab her phone that they finally noticed she was there.

“oh! sorry, we didn’t know you were here too.” jungwon said.

y/n shook her head. “it’s fine, we were just practicing our lines. i can leave if you guys want.”

“you don’t have to! we just came to see sunghoon for a bit before you guys started.”

y/n wanted to leave to avoid a certain someone, but she felt that it was a little rude if she just left if they told her to stay. so she forced a smile and sat on one of the couches.

“y/n!”

oh fuck.

despite her efforts to avoid eye contact, y/n heard her name get called out by jake— even though she was still upset with him. but as aforementioned, she didn’t want to come off as rude so she mentally braced herself and smiled at jake. “hi jake, long time no see.”

jake, who couldn’t tell that she was uncomfortable with him, grinned and sat next to her on the couch.

“it’s good to see you again!” jake said and gave her a (charming) smile. “are you ready for your music bank debut?”

“uh... i guess? i’m not really sure.” y/n shortly answered, trying to avoid eye contact (which was hard because he kept looking at her).

she found it difficult when she tried to distance herself from jake because he was extremely attractive in person- both in terms of his physicality and his personality. y/n could tell that he had changed quite a bit since she had last seen him in person in australia. 

jake, on the other hand, couldn’t remember much of what y/n looked like in high school. more often than not, she was hiding behind something whether it be a book or her backpack. but at that moment, he took time to appreciate just how beautiful she had gotten. rather than the shy, quiet girl he had known back then, she had matured quite a bit.

wow, he thought, i sound like a dad.

the two were too deep into their own thoughts about each other to notice sunghoon calling y/n.

“this airhead…. y/n!”

y/n snapped herself out of her thoughts and finally paid mind to sunghoon. “oh, what is it?”

the rest of enhypen had long been gone, unbeknownst to jake and y/n. the girl let out a long sigh when she realized she had been thinking about jake.

what am i doing? i don’t like him anymore, why am i thinking about him? y/n pursed her lips. whatever, hes ugly anyways.

“we have to go to the stage now, i’ll wait for you outside.” sunghoon said, knowing she probably still wanted to say some things to jake.

once sunghoon left, y/n sharply turned to jake.

“it was nice seeing you. you look different.” jake remarked.

y/n raised her eyebrow. “good different or bad different?”

“good, of course.” jake chuckled, and gave her a pat on the head. “by the way, when will ningning be here?”

ningning… is she all you ever think about?

“oh. i’m not sure, she hasn’t contacted me since yesterday. but she should be here soon.”

y/n watched as jake bit his lip to stop himself from smiling, but was unsuccessful when he let out a wide smile. she noticed the small blush that rested on top of his cheeks. was he really that excited to see her? why did he seem so flustered?

does jake like ningning?

“i see…” jake finally put his attention back on y/n. “i should find the guys, but i’ll be watching you from the wings. see you!”

y/n waved. “goodbye.”

no, there’s no way. they’re just friends.

just like me and him.

“do you want me to get you something from the vending machine?” sunghoon asked y/n, who rapidly nodded her head.

“get me one of the melon milks please, thank you hoonie!”

“hoonie?” sunghoon laughed, and then gabe her a blank stare. “that’s gross, don’t call me that.”

y/n raised her hand up to hit sunghoon but he left before she could. “that jerk… does he even know he’s being made fun of on tiktok right now?”

she smiled a bit when she thought of the ‘get sunghooned’ joke she saw on her private tiktok account. serves him right.

“y/n! there you are!” y/n looked behind herself to see karina, giselle, and ningning walking over.

“oh, hi guys! what took you so long?” she asked.

giselle scoffed and gave ningning a side eye. “sorry, we would have been here sooner if ningning didn’t take an hour to get ready…”

“what? i can dress up if i want to.” ningning answered. she then turned to y/n and smiled. “hi y/n! good luck today, yeah?”

look at her acting like nothing happened. is she shameless?

y/n just smiled at ningning and then turned to the group. “thank you guys for being here, it really means a lot to me!”

“of course!” karina looked at the cue cards that were in y/n’s hands. “wow, do you have to memorize all that? that’s incredible…”

“we don’t have to memorize it technically but i read it over so much that i basically know it all.” y/n giggled.

“can we se—”

“hey!”

y/n saw jake, followed by the rest of enhypen, as they walked up to them.

“oh hi. if you guys are here to see sunghoon, then he’s not here right now.” y/n said, avoiding eye contact with jake.

“oh, we’re actually here to wish you good luck!” jungwon said, and they all said some form of ‘good luck’ to y/n.

“ah! thank you, i’ll work hard.”

“by the way…” jungwon pulled out his copy of aespa’s recent mini album. “can you sign this y/n? you’re actually my aespa bias.”

y/n giggled at him and took his album. “how cute. of course i will!”

while y/n signed jungwon’s album, ningning walked over to jake.

“jake! i didn’t know i would see you here.” ningning shyly smiled and looked at jake. “how are you?”

karina leaned over to y/n and whispered, “we all know she knew he was going to be here.” y/n just nodded in agreement, and handed jungwon back his album.

“i’m good! sorry i wasn’t able to play genshin this morning, we had to leave the dorms early.” jake said. “do you think you’ll be able to play later tonight?”

“i don’t know….” ningning frowned. “the girls and i are planning on having dinner tonight.”

“yup! it’s a very important all girls dinner, so she has to go. sorry jake!” giselle shot jake a fake smile.

karina laughed and added on, “yeah, really important. sorry.”

“that’s alright!” jake turned to ningning. “let’s play tomorrow, okay ning?”

ning? he gave her a nickname?

“y/n! i have your drink.” sunghoon said as he approached the group. “oh, you guys all met?”

y/n, who was lost in thought about jake and ningning, sighed.

“that’s annoying.”

she took her drink from sunghoon and went to the stage.

“hm? i only gave her the drink…” sunghoon pouted, confused because he had just gotten there.

giselle patted him on the back. “you should’ve been there.”

“good luck y/n!”

“good luck, sunghoon.”

y/n took one more glance at the wings, only to see ningning and jake still talking and laughing. she wasn’t dumb, she could tell they liked each other. the way their smiles were almost brighter than the stage lights… and ningning looked happier than she ever had before…

whatever, it’s not like i like jake or anything.

the music started, signifying that the show had started.

“ever-evolving k-pop! the heart of the korean wave!" sunghoon said.

"with the world watching it's...”

“music bank!”

"hello bank patrons! i'm y/n from aespa, part of the 37th music bank mc’s!"

"and i'm sunghoon from enhypen."

"today is our first day working at music bank!” y/n and sunghoon cheered. “i can’t believe we’re finally here, but standing up here makes it all feel real.”

“same here! i’m trying hard not to show it right now but my heart is racing.” sunghoon said.

“to ease the tension, let’s both share how we feel about becoming mc’s!”

sunghoon proceeded to share how he felt, and y/n discreetly looked at the wings once more, and saw jake and ningning still talking. it slightly hurt that they weren’t paying attention to the show, but as long as they were there to support her she supposed she didn’t mind too much.

“y/n? are you going to share how you feel?” sunghoon looked at y/n with concern when she didn’t answer.

“ah yeah! sorry, i’m still coming terms with the fact that i’m here right now.” y/n put her focus back on her job. “but i promise to make every friday a fun treat for you all!”

“yes, as music bank mc’s we promise to work extra hard.” sunghoon said. “music bank patrons,”

“we won’t let you down!”

as sunghoon introduced the lineup of artists, y/n pushed the sight of ningning and jake out of her head. it didn’t matter to her if they were dating or not. after all, ningning was her best friend. and jake was just an old acquaintance, nothing more.

i don’t like jake.

y/n wasn’t sure how many times she would have to tell herself that for it to be true.

previous - masterlist - next

a/n : yassss awky irl meeting

permanent taglist : @muhwaa @hoori @yizhoutv @ja4hyvn @koakyuu @carayat @one16core @enhacolor @jangwonie @soobin-chois @moaengenesworld @en-boyz @msxflower @ohmy-fandoms @yeongwonie @sunsunu @jaeyunnsworld @yjwonz

[nanowrimo]

Opposition Research: Where to Get the Best Info for Your Novel

Now that you’ve written the first draft of your novel, you may find that you need to do some extra research to fill in those plot holes and polish up your story. Today, author Jodi Compton is here to shine some light on researching elements of your story between drafts:

I’m a crime and mystery novelist. It’s a genre which requires a good deal of research—a daunting task many Wrimos will be tackling for the first time in December and beyond. Many of us research between drafts, writing the first version straight through as a ‘proof of concept’ rough draft. Writing “[research tk]” at strategic points in a first draft can be an essential part of getting to 50K.

For that reason, I want to share a secret I’ve learned about good research. At first, I’ll be using crime fiction as my example, but the lesson is applicable to all genres, which I’ll address. (Hang tight, you hordes of fantasy writers!)

When I first began writing crime fiction, I did what most mystery novelists do. I read books on investigative work and forensics. I watched documentaries on the same subjects, including Dateline and Forensic Files and Women and the Badge. Later, when I had very specific questions, I found sources in the law-enforcement world and asked directly. 

The upshot of all the books, documentaries, magazine articles and interviews tended to be this: There’s always forensic evidence. It’s always correctly gathered. The DNA test is always right. The polygraph is always reliable. And everybody involved—the police and prosecutors—almost always do the right thing. 

This past year has—to put it mildly—called those assumptions into question. But that’s the subject of another article. However, long before this troubling year, I’d noticed something interesting. Crime-fiction writers like myself are always trying to write a story about the exceptions—the locked-room story, the extremely clever criminal who almost gets away with a murder or a heist, or a story in which the most unlikely person imaginable is actually the killer.  

So why are we always looking at sources in which the most likely suspect is, in fact, the murderer, in which standard operating procedure gets the investigative job done, there’s always DNA at the scene, and the polygraph tells you exactly who did it?

Because, mystery writers might argue, there’s no source for stories about cases where things went sideways. Nobody writes about those, and no source on the inside wants to talk about them. 

That seems true, at first. Ask me how I know: My first novel, The 37th Hour, deals with an FBI agent-in-training who does a Very Bad Thing just before his term at Quantico starts. To flesh this out, I spoke to a public information officer at the FBI—who dismissed my concept out of hand. That really wouldn’t happen, she told me. Our psychological screening would catch someone like that. 

It didn’t seem very productive to say, Like your psych screening caught Robert Hanssen? So I didn’t. (Plus, I didn’t think of it until hours later). 

It was only later in my writing career that I learned that there are people who talk and write about how the criminal-investigation process runs off the rails: They’re called defense attorneys. Behind them, and fighting a larger battle, are the ACLU and the Innocence Project—lawyers, law students and investigators who uncover false convictions. These convictions can be those due to mishandled DNA, inconclusive polygraph results interpreted as guilt, false confessions made by exhausted, hungry and confused people in interrogation rooms, or naive, easily-swayed juries. 

You have to get off the beaten path to find these stories, told in smaller-circulation magazines or blogs or documentaries. The “Dateline Saturday Night Mystery” has been immensely popular for years. No network is going to air the “ACLU Saturday Night Miscarriage of Justice” any time soon. But the latter, I think, would be as fascinating as the former. And, for the novelist looking for ways to complicate a straightforward crime, very profitable. 

Okay, you say. That’s fine for crime writers, but the most popular genre in National Novel Writing Month is fantasy. How do we fit into this situation?

I hear you. Fantasy is to NaNoWriMo what Thin Mints are to Girl Scout Cookies. So let’s say you’re writing a story in which characters have supernatural powers. This is where—though science is considered the opposite of magic—an understanding of physics, biology, chemistry and more could add great verisimilitude to your novel.

A study of magicians and their tricks can be useful as well. Many magicians are diehard skeptics about the paranormal—James Randi, of course, being the most famous example. But they also know a lot about physics: For example, the manipulation of light and how it affects what people see, or think they see. Might your genuinely-magical character manipulate light to create glamours or illusions?

‘Opposition research’ will be of varying use to writers in varying genres, but I’d argue that there’s almost always something to be gained in doing it. Conflict is the engine of virtually every story. Whenever you look at ‘maps’ or ‘graphs’ of a novel’s plot, you’ll see points labeled ‘conflict 1’ or ‘first setback.’ Understanding what opponents or devil’s advocates have to say about your protagonist’s quest will be of great help in creating conflict or setbacks in that journey. 

Jodi Compton is the author of four crime novels, starting with The 37th Hour, about Minneapolis detective Sarah Pribek. Her fifth book, Redball, will be released by Amazon early in 2021. She is an eight-time National Novel Writing Month participant.

Top photo by Russ Ward on Unsplash.

[mladylu]

Helloo! ^^

I want to ask you a headcanon where Jake's kids aren't feel well and start escape from school and sometimes at home. At school they don't wanna study.

Have a great day/night! <3

– I will be considering this the part two of the previous request I responded to. So this will also be a headcanon.

   — M'Lady Lu 

ʜᴇᴀᴅ��ᴀɴᴏɴ: Jᴀᴋᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴍᴄ ᴅᴇᴀʟ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇɪʀ ᴋɪᴅs ᴅɪᴛᴄʜɪɴɢ sᴄʜᴏᴏʟ

Pairing: Jake(Duskwood) x MC

Rating: General audience, Warning: Swearing, M×F

I forgot to clarify. But, I will gladly rephrase what I said in my previous headcanon. Jake is the motherbear, the one who is in charge of the safety of your kids… But! You are the one who calls the shots. You are the one who keeps your kids from living as if they are Kevin McCallister from Home Alone!

So, when you hear from the principal that this is the 37th time your kids are caught trying to escape school, and successfully ditched 115th times, you knew you would whip them off the face of the Earth.

But, you decide this will be good for you. Because, you know, your husband has had a hand on this. He is the first emergency number the school has for his kids, and you know it. This means, your husband has been putting this all under the rug and letting your kids walk away scot-free.

Like the smart person you are, you decided this was your time to pretend you didn't see a thing. It was a regular Friday night for you, your husband, and your kids. Order some pizza and watch movies as they deserved to after a long week of hard work!

When your kids arrived, you were quick to ask "Hello, my little bundles of joy! How was school?"

And they lied, throwing their school bags on the floor, hugging you, complaining about how hard it was to be young and do so much work, and how they were feeling like shit and that everything sucks.

You, like a good mother, said you had a surprise. You told your kids that they only had to pull down the curtain when their father arrives to find out what it was.

So, they went upstairs, had their showers, and waited.

Soon, Jake arrived, you received him with a passionate kiss and a few hair strokes, before asking "Hey dear… How was your day? Any important news?"

"Nothing important just missed those lips." Oh… He fucked up real bad this time. To your face, lied to your face and even complimented you like nothing happened.

"Daddy is here! C'mon! Hurry up! Pull down the curtain!" One of your kids said as the two went down the stairs. And soon enough, one of them pull down the string, letting the enormous sheet of paper roll down as the words came to view – You, all, are grounded. Forever.

"...How long have you known?" Jake seemed to find some courage to ask as his kids were now shaking in fear.

"This afternoon… Oh! And Jake, you are lucky I am letting you sleep on the couch." As you respond, the delivery guy arrived, having brought a single pizza, just for you.

[hannie-dul-set]

who in svt would agree to rob someone's house with you

first of all, stealing is a crime what the hell. second of all— be sure to be strapped with the right equipment, wear dark clothing, and make sure that the person you're stealing from is a rich, privileged, capitalist bastard that deserves to get all their belongings stripped from them <3 have fun!!

seungcheol: "cheol, wanna rob a h—" sirens ring, people (seungcheol) start(s) screaming, and all of a sudden you're locked up in a room. i'm sorry but mr. choi will NOT tolerate nor condone any behavior of such. you're behind bars now, criminal "cheol this is your bathroo—" BEHIND BARS SHUT UP. he'll let you out after maybe 15 minutes because he'd start to feel bad that you're locked in there and will lock himself up instead cause of the guilt </3 | rating: 2/10 if you like getting locked up/handcuffed you nasty.

jeonghan: dude can get away with extortion, dude can get away with tax evasion, dude can get away with MURDER you think he'd get his hands dirty for something so small such as robbery? psh, alright fine since you asked. you're like "uh, han where did you get these grappling hooks?? and ski masks??" and he's like shh a magician never reveals his secret now help me break open this window | rating: 8/10 only because he'd throw you under the bus if you get caught lmao good luck playing with fire.

joshua: "no ❤" he'd gently decline, but he wouldn't stop you. he'd even volunteer to bail you out if you get caught awh how sweet <33 shua doesn't want to get involved in any of your fiendish tendencies, he has a gentleman persona he has to keep up and you won't get him to commmit theft no matter HOW tempting and fun you make it out to be. you're like "but josh, i'm robbing jeonghan" and he'd be like SWEATS "uh,, give me some time to think" | rating: 5/10 he ends up agreeing to rob jeonghan and you both end up getting caught but at least you're caught together!

junhui: he'd be like "oh yeah sure sounds fun" dismissively. but when you pull up in front of his house, rope in hand, dressed in black and everything he's like "OH,, right i forgot—" and you're like DAMMIT junhui but he still comes with you anyway. you ultimately regret your decision because the entire time he's like "what do we now? what's the hammer for? wait what exactly are we gonna steal?" and you're THIS close to committing murder, instead | rating: 5/10 because participation points.

soonyoung: in theory, he's ALL FOR IT like he would be so excited and enthusiastic he has an entire 47 step plan of absolute mastermind genius and he's like "this is FOOLPROOF we're gonna steal like thieves 😎" and you're like "soonyoung we ARE thieves". but in practice, uh. he's excited right. too excited. okay maybe OVER excited because holy fuck he's acting like this 007 agent or whatever. he ends up squealing cause wow!! i'm so badass!!! and you end up getting the cops on you rip | rating: 7/10 because the police chase is a whole 'nother story to unfold.

wonwoo: "alright, here's what you're gonna do—" the dude has read so much crime novels that he knows EXACTLY where you should enter, what you should bring, how to escape, where you should snack in case you get hungry but the thing is, he is NOT coming with you lmao. he's not dumb enough to risk it, sorry y/n <3 make sure to give him at least 50% of what you got though, he isn't giving this knowledge for free | rating: 6/10 because his tips were actually helpful but you had to do all the work so fuck you wonwoo i'm robbing you next.

jihoon: he would be helpful like REALLY helpful but hoonie doesn't want to </3 "oh? you wanna be a criminal? good luck i guess?" proceeds to delete you from his contacts because he doesn't want to have connections with a thief rip. but maybe if you're like "jihoon pls i have negative dollars in my bank account you're anti-poor if you don't help me" and he'd be like "that's it??? here bitch eat" then he'd throw money at you like it's nothing and it IS nothing because jihoon rich | rating: technically a 1/10 but is it really a loss if you got cash.

minghao: i don't know how to tell you this but minghao is the exact guy i would steal from and he'd probably let you so | rating: invalid. everyone let's eat the rich and we're starting with hao <3

mingyu: oh no. oh nono sweetie what are you getting yourself into this is a bad idea but if you're one for bad ideas then alright. he'd be too scared to actually rob the place so he just volunteers to be your lookout!! that would be good right? no risk that he'd break something while you're sleuthing?? right?? WRONG like i said he's nervous bcs omg what if i get caught?? WHO'S GONNA FEED BOBPUL??? he'd panic, blowing your cover and oops you're at the police station now | rating: 4/10 you didn't get to steal anything but his spider legs managed to get you guys away.

seokmin: ....why? he'd try to convince you not to like he will CRY just so you won't actually do it because why would you want to steal? :< normally you'd just say nevermind!!! i won't steal ahaha that was a joke yes a joke. but if you're a DEMON and would actually push through it, expect a million calls and texts from seokmin as you're trying to rob. it would be sweet because awh kyeom is worried <3 but it's all heart eyes and uwuwu's until aju nice starts blaring from your phone for the 37th time that night | rating: 0/10 infinite aju nice can't save you this time.

seungkwan: well he won't necessarily agree to help you. he's just there to watch you in case things go wrong because that's a free show, ladies and gents!! you're like "kwan, help me climb up this window" and he's like lol. good luck. victory is fruitless without a struggle <33 you end up breaking a vase?? hilarious. you can't find the keys to the door? lmao what a loser? the house owner is actually your ex and you're trying to get revenge? oh my god WHERE is the popcorn | rating: 3/10 because he has everything on tape and yeah it was pretty entertaining.

vernon: he's down. absolutely. just tell him what to do and he'd to it with flawless execution. a clean robery not even sherlock holmes can tell that you broke in. suddenly it became a regular thing between the both of you and would you look at that!! robin hood duo on the rise in town— says the local paper. what's this? you two have fans now? damn looks like stealing was the way to go, after all | rating: 10/10 rob. help the poor. publicity. rich and famous.

chan: veryyy hesitant at first but you manage to coax him into it by saying that this will probably end up in the news and he's like "news??? i'll be on the news??? nEWSHSHSJSJ??" and you're like "yeah but let's make sure to keep our names out of that alright" and so he agrees. you two are ambitious so you rob a fucking mansion with state of the art security but no technology can beat a lee chan who wants to go down in history | rating: 9/10 minus one point because you two were too good and there was no entertainment value </3

[butterflyinthewell]

I’m going to tell you the story of why I love Godzilla.

When I say not to make fun of an autistic person’s special interests, I say it from a place of deep understanding and pain. For me, an autistic SpIn is like being in love, or (for the aro folks out there), it’s like being with your best friend ever and it just feels so comfortable and good.

Sooooo in January my dad mentions wanting to watch KOTM with me. Any excuse to watch KOTM is good, so of course I jumped on it. We watched Godzilla KOTM. It’s the movie I spent all of 2019 talking about from January to May. I got it for Christmas 2019 because mom knew I was going to want it as soon as the first roar hit the screen in the theater. (I took her to see it as a Mother’s Day gift, she liked it too.)

Lemme tell y’all something: when I was a young kid, my dad got me into Godzilla. Starting when I was around 5, he told me the stories of the movies he’d seen (the whole Showa era and Godzilla 1985). So I knew about Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, King Ghidorah, Minya, MechaGodzilla, Gigan, Hedorah, Megalon, etc long before I ever saw them.

My dad said “these are important characters.”

Then he started renting the movies when he felt I was old enough to not be scared by them (age 7 in 1987) and pointed out who was who.

And my first ‘real meeting’ with Godzilla was the same as the people in 1954, when he popped his head over that hill and roared that haunting sound I never forgot, and I was hooked forever.

I loved it. I loved all of it. Dad warned me about the ending of the ‘54 movie, so I wasn’t surprised by it, but I still cried! He got me over it by showing the the rest of them, as if to go “see, he’s okay!” Then dad warned me that Godzilla was ‘the bad guy’ again in Godzilla 1985, but didn’t tell me how it ended. I was reaaaaally upset when he fell into that volcano. I probably cried about it for three days. That scream still hits something in my soul.

My favorite childhood Godzilla movie is Godzilla’s Revenge. It’s the first Godzilla movie I ever owned. I loved Ichiro’s dreams of making friends with Minya, outsmarting his kidnappers and standing up to his bullies. I even tried to pick up Monster Island using a little portable am/fm radio I had as a kid. It didn’t work, all I got was static, but I sure tried! 😋

I wanted to be an island lady like Saeko from Son of Godzilla who could call monsters for help. I wanted to be a cyborg like Katsura, except I would use MechaGodzilla to make friends with Godzilla instead of trying to hurt him.

Anyway...

Dad’s interest in Godzilla stuff kinda dropped away as the 90s hit and my autistic traits began to make me deviate more and more noticeably from my peers. I had seen all the Showa era movies, so he stopped telling stories because there weren’t any more to tell.

My love for Godzilla carried on into the Heisei era and beyond. Dad acted like I should “leave that crap behind” when I kept buying movies and talking about them to him. He didn’t want to watch them with me or look at pictures in the Godzilla Compendium I picked up.

I didn’t stop my enthusiasm for Godzilla, I just stopped sharing it with dad. I kept at it through high school. I sobbed over Godzilla vs Destroyah because I thought that was the end of the franchise, and I can’t even mention what happened to Godzilla in that movie. If you’ve seen it, you know.

In the year 1998 the rumblings for the ‘98 movie started around New Years, so of course I made noise about going to see it. Because GODZILLA, y’all!

Well, dad surprised me and took me to see Godzilla ‘98 when it came out. I had been bugging about going to see it and he kept giving me a hard no, then had me convinced we were going to a baseball game that night instead. I did nothing to disguise my boredom or hurt in the car, and it broke when we pulled up to the theater. Okay, he pulled a fast one on me and he said I did an emotional 180 spin, but it was worth it. (I still like that movie, but I don’t call that creature Godzilla. I call him Zilla or GINO instead.)

Literally right after that my dad would get mad if I talked about Godzilla. He griped that I was “so obsessed with that stupid monster” and that I needed to grow up. I was almost 18, and I had, just not the way HE wanted, I guess...

Godzilla 2000 came out. Dad grudgingly took mom and me to see it, and I finally got to live my dream of seeing a legit Toho Godzilla movie in theaters. I was yelling and clapping (as were other people) and just had a huge blast. In the car, he told me to knock it off when I talked excitedly about what I liked in the movie. He slapped down all talk of Godzilla.

I still continued to be a fan. When more Millennium era movies came out, I grabbed them when I saw them on the shelves. I got everything from Godzilla vs Megaguirus to Godzilla: Final Wars in a little Japanese shop my dad found near where he worked at the time. I was in my early 20s then. I also got some figurines from that store: a Heisei era Mothra, a Heisei era King Ghidorah and a Millenium era (Final Wars) Godzilla. Dad rolled his eyes when I walked out with them in my arms.

And so began his weird pattern of indulging my interest, but getting upset at me if I talked about it. I was discovering the online fandom at this point, so I had another outlet, but still, it used to be our thing, and his behavior really stung.

I only discovered there were more movies in the Millenium era becuse I happened across GMK on HBO and realized I didn’t recognize that Godzilla suit or the setting.

Then I missed the ending because of a very badly timed phone call. But I was like “omg more Godzilla movies...hey dad, can we go to that shop?” (And then I was like a dragon with treasure when I came home....)

I grabbed the two Kiryu movies first because a certain fanfic author in the fandom had written some Mechagodzilla fanfics where Kiryu (Kiryuu in her stories) was sentient and sexy af. The idea of the original Godzilla being brought back as a robot was amazing and that author basically took the idea and ran it to another level. She’s the reason I headcanon the 54 Gojira as Heisei Godzilla’s dad.

ANYWAY, I got all caught up on the Godzilla movies and blew up to a boiling fan girl froth when the 2014 movie got advertised.

I took mom to see that becuse dad’s Parkinson’s had advanced so far that he couldn’t go out much anymore. Mom likes Godzilla movies and sci-fi in general. While she’s not as into it as me, she enjoys them for the entertainment. We both liked G2014, so I got it for Christmas.

We watched it with dad as a family, he said it was okay.

Through 2016 and 2017 I was rattling on about Shin Godzilla. Got that as a late 37th birthday gift because it came out on dvd a few days after my actual birthday. I watched it for the first time with dad, and he complained the whole time and kind of ruined the experience for me, which pissed me off. HE was the one who wanted to watch it with me, now I wish I watched it alone instead.

2019 came, KOTM happened. So that brings me to sitting down to watch it with dad. I was excited see his reaction to the monsters he introduced me to in childhood realized with modern cgi effects and all. I love seeing things that remind me of happy times in my childhood, and I thought those memories were fond for him, too. So I watched, waiting for him to recognize Mothra, Rodan and King Ghidorah.

He said nothing when they came onscreen. I got engrossed in the movie and sort of forgot about it, but when it was over I bounced up and asked, “Wasn’t it cool to see the guys you told me stories about when I was 5?”

I thought back while I waited for him to answer. I thought back on the stories, the fun and the movies.

I thought back on how my love for this character has grown, and how in KOTM it was physically realized in that painful moment when Ishiro Serizawa looks up at Godzilla with such reverence and lays his hand on his snout. I feel like that was Dougherty telling all the fans he sees their love for Godzilla and gives them that one singular, intimate audience with the big guy through Serizawa. Because who wouldn’t want to give him a pat on the nose and thank him?

The director of KOTM understands what Godzilla means to the fans. He understands how they feel and what they want. In my mind he gave it in spades.

But my dad...

My dad, the man who taught me enough to get me into Godzilla forever, looked at me in the eyes and said, “I don’t remember any of it. They’re not that important anyway.”

“These are important characters.” Much younger dad said to much younger me.

“They’re not that important anyway.” Older modern day dad said to older modern day me.

I thought my heart had stopped and my soul fled through the floor. This franchise, these characters he brought to me with such enthusiasm, something that grew into a lifelong love, meant nothing to him. It was as if he gave me a diamond and later told me it was worthless glass to him. Godzilla was and still is a huge part of my life and who I am, and dad acted like this “us” thing I thought we bonded over during my childhood didn’t matter to him.

It’s almost like he expected me to take passing interest and then move on, but because I’m autistic and because I relate to Godzilla so much, my interest turned into love and respect for the character, what he represents and the messages he has sent throughout the years.

Part of who I am is shaped, literally, by Godzilla, something that started because my dad told me he existed. And in a sentence my dad took that root from my childhood and ripped it out because he decided it was a worthless weed.

It’s not my love for Godzilla that was ripped out. It’s the love I thought my dad felt for me when he was telling me all those stories and showing me the movies. I’m sharing this because I love Godzilla, because I love what he represents and means to me, and I thought my dad shared it with me for the same reason. This is a very autistic thing...I’m sure autistic readers can feel my love for Godzilla just by reading this.

I thought my dad did, too, once.

But no. There was no love at all like I thought there was, so I was not pouring my love into an ocean that still existed, I was throwing it into a black hole.

Dad didn’t care to remember Rodan, or Mothra, or King Ghidorah. He didn’t care to remember what all that meant to me during my childhood because he doesn’t and never has cared about my feelings.

He doesn’t care about my feelings.

He wants me to shut up about Godzilla.

I will not.

I love Godzilla. I don’t need dad’s approval anymore. I will turn 40 this year (2020) and there is no stopping what began 35 years ago. The plant that grew around the root dad planted is shaped like me now, and like Biollante I will keep blooming because Godzilla was my first love fandom-wise and that admiration and love for him stands on its own.

Dad no longer has a say.

But, my God, my dad has this remarkable ability to tell me something is important when I’m young and then claim it isn’t so many years later. He’s done it for a lot of things, but hearing him say Godzilla isn’t important after instilling his importance into me at a young age just...gutted me...and it gutted me as much as the time he asked me what I did to make kids bully me when I was being bullied as a teen.

I got bullied because I’m autistic. I existed. He said it was my fault for being that way. I was a newly diagnosed teenager when he said that. It was 1995, ironically, the same year Godzilla vs Destroyah came out.

And I was an adult when he ripped at that root of Godzilla he planted in me.

Godzilla was the last part of my childhood that he hadn’t sunk his abuse into, but he finally did in January of 2020. Now there is no part of my life untouched by his emotionally abusive crap.

It shouldn’t hurt like this. I feel ridiculous to be hurt so deeply, but I can’t keep pretending that I’m not hurt by it anymore.

I will get over it. My absolute love and respect for Godzilla is something my dad can never destroy no matter how much he tries to shit talk about it. I’ve let him ruin so many things, but not Godzilla.

Godzilla will never be a trigger for me. He is an anti trigger. On this day of April 19, 2020, I’m realizing he is the protector my dad failed to be.

To all parents of autistic kids, be careful that you don’t belittle the things you said were important when they were young. Don’t introduce something that becomes a special interest, say it’s important and then belittle it when they grow up.

Even if you don’t think it’s important anymore now, even if you think it’s silly now, even if you didn’t know they were autistic at the time and would dive in like that, it may still be important to them.

It may become their safe place. It may become treasure.

Don’t try to destroy that safety. Don’t treat it like trash.

[somedayonbroadway]

Newsies Bandstand AU??

Bandstand AU

Since I already had an ask for a Bandstand AU, I wrote a scene! Please enjoy I Know a Guy!

“How’s the house tonight?”

“Good! Lining up outside already!”

Tony nodded, assembling his saxophone steadily in his arms, ready to play a few notes and get warmed up. He might make rent this month after all. That is, if his damn band would show up on time. “Of course Skip’s runnin’ late…” he muttered to himself, checking his watch for what must’ve been the millionth time. “Can’t find a decent piano player that shows up on time…” Shaking his head, he started to warm up anyways.

He failed to notice someone sliding in through the door just beside him.

“Hiya.” The voice caught him off guard. If he hadn’t been beside a chair that he could latch onto so quickly, he might’ve fallen over. But he closed his eyes for a moment, collecting himself before looking over at the man beside him, hardly more than a few years older than him, smirking at him, smugness radiating off of him. “Didn’t mean ta scare ya, pal… I’m lookin’ for Antonio Higgins.”

“Well, ya found him, but he ain’t too keen on talkin’ ta you right about now,” Tony said. “We ain’t open yet.” He turned to continue rehearsing.

But this man wasn’t going to give up so easily. “The backdoor is,” he stated, pointing back to the door he’d just entered with a small grin. Tony just glared. The guy’s smile fell just a little. “Sorry… I… did you used ta play with a cat who went by the name a’ Specs? He called you—“

“Racer…” Tony finished for him, actually turning to face this stranger now. “The drummer. We played a few gigs outta of high school,” he recalled.

Nodding along, the man stepped closer to him. Tony didn’t stop him. “You went into the Air Force—?”

“Navy,” the younger man corrected immediately. He caught himself. He knew lashing out did no good. “What… what is this? My pianist ‘ll be here any second now—“

“I was army. 37th infantry,” the man informed, taking the cap off of his head and biting his lip, suddenly looking slightly nervous. “Specs said you’re good.”

Tony looked down at his shoes for a moment. “Look… I ain’t tryin’ ta be rude but I gotta show ta prepare for—“

“You can really swing, huh?”

This man seemed determined to make sure he could hardly get in a full sentence at a time. Race hated that. “If ya wait in line and pay like everyone else, you’ll find out,” he shot back.

The guy’s smirk fell easily back onto his face. “Ya know Tell Me The Night?”

Tony looked back up at this ridiculous stranger. “What are you smoking?”

The man frowned. “I’m sorry, ya don’t know Tell Me The Night?”

Somewhere in the back of Tony’s mind, he knew it was a challenge. But he’d never been one to back down from a challenge anyhow. So he brought his sax to his lips and began to play with more than just his instrument.

The man grinned, slipping onto the piano bench beside him and playing along easily, fitting his crazy improved notes in perfectly with Tony’s.

When they finished, there was an easier look on both of their faces.

The man at the piano held out his hand. “The name’s Jack,” he introduced. Tony nodded, a small smile falling on his lips as he shook Jack’s hand. “I’m… I’m thinkin’ about starting a band. All vets.”

Pausing at that, Tony stepped away, trying to make himself look busy. “I’m gettin’ a law degree. I can’t—“

“We’ll make it work.” If there was one thing Tony could tell about Jack, is what that he wasn’t one to take no for an answer. Tony admired that. It didn’t make it any less annoying. “There’s this contest on the radio…”

“The NBC thing,” the blond confirmed.

“Bingo,” Jack winked. “They just announced the statewide competition is gonna be held here in Cleveland.” The smug man shrugged. “We have the hometown advantage. What do you say?”

He had such confidence about him. Tony couldn’t help but be drawn to it. “I suppose you’d be the band leader?”

“Naturally,” Jack deadpanned. “That a yes?”

“That’s a ‘Jesus Christ, you’re relentless’,” Tony drawled, running a hand through his curls.

Jack’s raised his eyebrows as though telling this man he already knew that. “You’re welcome.”

Tony let out a small laugh as he positioned his saxophone against his chest. “Is Specs on drums?”

All the energy in the room seemed to be sucked away at that simple question. Jack’s smile fell slowly and he lowered his gaze. “Uh… no… he didn’t make it back…”

Tony’s heart broke again after it had so many times before. He didn’t know if he’d be able to keep stitching it back together. “Oh…”

“Yeah…” Jack reached to rub at the back of his neck. “So… so do you know any other guys? Who served, but young n’ good looking? Like us?”

Squinting, Tony shrugged. “It’s radio. What does it matter?”

“If we win,” Jack said, crossing his arms over his chest and stepping even closer to the younger man. “We get to be in the movies. Do you know any?”

For a moment, Tony genuinely thought about it. If he didn’t give this guy some names, Jack would surely hunt others down just as he’d done to him. Might as well give him some good players and be able to stop the panic attack Jack had nearly caused him. “Sean Conlon. Kicks it on bass. Plays at Oliver’s every weekend. Best of the best when he ain’t high,” he stated, smirking himself when he saw Jack’s eyes widen only slightly. “He’s army too.”

“I’ll take my chances,” Jack insisted, accepting the challenge.

Tony might like this guy after all. “Meet me at the Rio Lounge tomorrow night,” he offered, turning to get the stage set.

But Jack stopped him. “Wait, he plays at the Rio?!” he asked.

Turning back to him, Racer shook his head. “Nope. He drinks there.”

“We’re ready to open, Tony.”

“Let ‘em all in.”

—

“Alright, alright! I got anotha’ one!” Sean laughed, waving over the bartender who’d been serving him all night. He was slightly beyond drunk and the bartender had told him several times that he was going to be cut off soon. It didn’t stop him from sneaking drinks off the folks around him. “A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender says 'hey Captain, you've got a steering wheel stuck to your crotch.' The pirate says 'arrgh, it's driving me nuts.'”

“Very funny, Mr. Conlon, but jokes aren’t going to buy you more drinks,” the man behind the counter stated. Sean stuck just tongue out at him, turning around on his stool, coming face to face with familiar blue eyes.

“Spottie… still as soft n’ friendly as eva’, I see…”

“Tell anyone n’ you’re a dead man, ya skinny son of a bitch,” Sean laughed, playfully punching the younger man’s shoulder. “What wind blew carried ya here, Higgins?”

Before Race could even try to respond, he was pulled into a tight hug. “Spot, this Jack Kelly. Kelly, this is Spot,” he introduced, pulling out of the embrace and gesturing to the man standing with a small smile behind him. “Jack, here made it through Solomon Islands…”

Spot looked the man up and down and smiled. “Well, I’ll tickle your catastrophe,” he shrugged. “I liberated Dachau.”

“Jesus…” Jack breathed.

“Hey, Tony told me about your band idea!” Spot gently hit Race in the chest with the back of his hand before reaching back to clasp Jack on the shoulder. “I’ve heard about you,” he explained. “So my cousin marries this Polak, right? Turns out, this guy!” Spot laughed, shaking Jack gently, “played accordion at her wedding! When he was somethin’ like what? Ten years old?”

A small but easily hidden blush crept up Jack’s neck. “Well, ya know the differenve between and accordion and Hitler?” he asked, quickly finding this man enjoyed humor. Spot shrugged. “One perpetrated years of oppression and humiliation on the Polish people… and the other is Hitler.”

It only took Spot a moment before he was engaging in a drunken laughing spell, patting Jack on the back as both of the other men laughed along with him. “You see, ‘I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men’.”

Jack looked between Spot and Racer, trying to figure out what had just been said to him. “I have… no idea what you just said, but I hope that means you’re in,” he shrugged.

Racer rolled his eyes. “It’s Shakespeare. And yeah… that means he’s in.”

A grin spread over Jack’s lips. “Oh great! That’s great! Now all we need are a couple a’ horns n’ a monster on drums!”

Before Race could even think to say anything, Spot already had an arm around Jack’s shoulders. It was slightly awkward, as Jack had about four inches on him, but it didn’t seem to stop either of them. So Race grabbed Spot’s drink and took a sip, watching the exchange ahead of him.

“Well, ya see, I know this guy. His trumpet’s hot but he ain’t no barrel a’ laughs,” Spot explained. He gestured between them. “Although, I think between that two a’ us… we might have a shot at break in’ him,” he smirked. He leaned a bit heavier on Jack and Jack could only laugh.

“Let’s do it.”

“Get your jokes ready, Jack-Be-Nimble-Jack-Be-Quick,” he winked.

Race smiled behind them.

—

Albert played a B flat. It was easy. It should’ve been easy. “Take it from bar four,” he instructed the boy before him.

The boy did not play a B flat. But he continued on anyway.

“Jesus, stop! For the love of…” he pointed to the sheet music in front of his student. “What’s that note right there?”

“B flat,” the boy stated, his voice wavering with nerves.

“How do you miss a B flat?” Albert asked him. “It’s a B flat trumpet!” He was yelling now. He made no attempt to stop or correct himself.

The boy shifted uncomfortably on his feet. “I’m tryin’ my best, Mr. DaSilva…” he muttered.

Albert sighed. “I know. Heartbreaking, isn’t it?” He shook his head and let his own trumpet fall at his side. “I’ll see you next week. Ask you fatha’ if he’s got the money ta get your teeth fixed. Maybe that’ll help.” He had not remorse. The boy begrudgingly packed up his things and went, clearly frustrated.

“Gee, Al. Ya goin’ for teacher of the year, here?”

Albert rolled his eyes, looking towards the door where three men stood, only one of them familiar to him. “Somethin’ like that…”

Spot shoved his hands in his pockets. “Listen, this is the guy who thinks we belong in a band together.” He nodded towards Jack who gave him a quick wave.

Albert wasted no time getting straight to the point. “Who else is playin’ trumpet? I’m not playin’ second—“

“Just you!” Jack insisted. “But we need a trombone.”

“And a drummer,” Race added.

“Has to have served.”

Albert nodded. “I know a guy. Blows like a champ but he’d got a bug up his ass.” He grabbed his trumpet case. “You want perfect… he’s the guy ya want.”

—

“Yeah, I know a guy…” David stated, cleaning his trombone, determined to clear off every smudge. “He’s kind of a mess but a genius on drums.” He shook his head. “He’s got all the rhythm you need.”

Jack grinned, holding out his hand. “Thanks, Davey. It’s good ta have ya on board.”

“David,” the other man corrected.

Still, Jack could only smile. “Thanks, Davey!”

—

“You’re starting a band? Hey! I play the drums!”

It was hard to keep the smile on his face. But Jack did his best. “That’s why we’re here Charlie… think maybe we could hear a bit?”

The kid, younger than the rest of them grinned and hopped on his only remaining leg over to the set up in the corner.

And Jack had never heard anything like it.

It was happening.

It was all happening.

[purplesurveys]

1120

[created by: vyvyan86]

What do you do for work? I work at a public relations agency, so I handle servicing for a good number of clients across different industries. PR is basically like the extroverted sibling of journalism; and since I turned out to not enjoy journ, I gave PR a try halfway through my time in college and ended up liking it more.

What would you ideally like to do for work? I actually really enjoy what I do, like getting to work directly with big local and even international brands. I’m glad I made the decision to make the career shift because I can’t imagine how miserable I would be in a newsroom.

What are you doing in order to achieve this? I’m already where I want to be, at least for now. I don’t see it changing any time soon because I’m nowhere near tired of the work yet.

What is the meaning of your life? What is it that you really live for? Erm I don’t really try to define it or have an answer to this right away because I feel like it puts a lot of unwanted pressure on me, by me. As long as I’m satisfied in the present, I shouldn’t be worrying for whom or what my life is ultimately supposed to be.

Have you ever REALLY thought what it means to have children? Yup. Having kids would be the perfect life, but realistically speaking I am not at all ready to start that particular chapter. I don’t make enough money to be able to build a family, and I’ve never even tried changing a diaper yet...then you have to think about weekly formulas, what school to enroll them in, building a nursery...it’s all very hectic and stressful and it’s definitely not a priority as of the moment.

Are you planning to have children anyway? It would be nice, but I still don’t know if it’s in my future.

What is the most awful thing about the world today? I doooooooooon’t understand racism. It’s those videos of white people being caught on tape harassing POCs without a care in the world that get to me the most. It’s horrifying and it’s made me have close to zero plans to travel to the places where the videos usually come from. It’s happened too many times and too many clips have gone viral, that I can’t help but think it would happen to me and my family as well. What do you think is the worst being on the planet? Abusive and/or neglectful parents.

Have you ever been arrested? If so, what for? Nopes.

Have you ever been in court? If so, in which role? Definitely not.

Which do you think is a more valuable being, a human or an animal? I don’t think it’s fair to compare. A life is a life.

What, in your opinion, will cause the end of the world? I’m gonna let science answer this and refer to whatever predictions they have for the future based on their calculations. 

What does your mother do for work? She works in an international hotel chain as an executive secretary, but work is actually kind of slippery for her at the moment because of Covid. There are only certain days in the week where she’s called in to report for work, and there is a chance those requests will stop coming in at a certain point.

^If she's a homemaker, any specific reason for this? She’s not anymore but she did enjoy a brief period of being a homemaker after resigning from her previous workplace back in likeeeee 2013 I’d say? which according to her had increasingly turned into a toxic environment after 20+ years of working there.

What about your father? What does he do? He is an executive sous chef. Cruise ship industry, so his situation is also actually quite bleak. Fortunately the job security with his company is a lot stronger and more guaranteed.

How do you like your coffee? I like it sweet and for its color to be light brown.

If you're of age, what's your favorite alcoholic drink? Tequila shots if we’re going hard. Long Island Iced Tea or Zombie if I’m looking to have a chill session with friends. Red Horse is fine as well, whatever. I hate beer with a passion but I’d drink it if everyone in the table is having a bottle.

If you're under-aged, what is your favorite soft drink? Bold of you to assume all minors like soda hahaha. I don’t, though.

Do you smoke? Yeah, just super seldom though because I don’t want to form a habit. I had the opportunity to last Friday but voluntarily skipped out on it, but that was also because I already had a vape pen on me.

^If so, did you start when you were 18 or were you younger? My first cigarette was when I was 21. Start of 2020.

Did your parents approve of your smoking/alcohol use before you turned 18? They wouldn’t have approved of it at all. And I wouldn’t have let myself either.

Do you have siblings? If not, skip the next few questions. Yeup.

Are you eldest, in the middle or youngest? I’m the eldest of two siblings.

How big an age gap is between you and your siblings? With my sister, 2 years. With my brother, 5 years.

Do/did your siblings cause trouble? Not at all, actually. We were all well-behaved, aka the three of us were always too shy to do anything bad or mischevious. I guess the biggest issues with each of us were - I was very messy with my stuff and ignored all my homework; Nina was a crybaby and would get into tears over literally any inconvenience; and my brother was a violent crybaby, which means he is Nina but always ready to punch you in the face, kick you in the neck or stomach, scream into your ear, etc.

If your siblings are old enough, what do they do for work? My sister is taking up digital filmmaking in an art school; my brother is only in his junior year of high school.

Have you ever been jealous of your siblings? I’m not jealous of her, but Nina is amazing at art and drawing and painting and all that stuff and I always wish I shared even like 1/98th of her skills, hahah.

Do you still live with your parent/s or do you live alone/with a partner? I live with my family, yeah. I’m nowhere near ready to start being on my own.

What do you think about growing up? Like what Paramore said (heheh), has to happen sometimes.

What about having responsibilities? I don’t really think anything of them? They’re kind of expected.

Do you know how to cook? Nope.

^If so, what's your favorite thing to cook? I don’t know how to make anything yet, but some dishes I would love to be able to master are risotto and paella. I’d also love to inherit my grandma’s kare-kare recipe but I’m already 300% sure from this early that I’ll never be able to make it as good as she does.

What about baking? I also can’t bake but some stuff I’d want to learn how to make are cupcakes, macarons, cheesecake, and a chocolate chip cookie recipe so good that my kids would literally bring their friends over to our house just to make them try it.

Do you ever drink tea? Iced tea for the most part. If I do ever drink the traditional hot tea, it’s usually because it’s served either at a hotel I’m staying at, or at an Asian restaurant.

Have you ever followed any of these fad diets that go around? I don’t follow a diet. I’m usually open to trying out foods that are packaged to fall under a certain diet, though – paleo, keto, etc. - just to experience how much different it could possibly taste from the food I typically have.

What do you usually order at your favorite restaurant? I usually get rosu, a type of tonkatsu cut that has a lining of fat on its side. My favorite restaurant then provides unlimited rice, miso soup, and cabbage with my order.

Do you prefer a proper restaurant to a fast food place? Not necessarily. I love a lot of either.

What's your dream vehicle? A Mini Countryman.

What about your dream house? I don’t have an exact image of it yet, but I always said that my dream house, wherever and whatever it might be, must have a room for all the wrestling memorabilia I plan to collect in the future. It’ll be like a ~mancave~  as I also plan to have a couch and a big TV in it so I can watch documentaries and pay-per-views there.

What is the biggest dream of your life? Right now, I would say the ‘biggest’ - since I’ve established it since I was a kid - is to go to the 50th installment of Wrestlemania, which is like the Superbowl of wrestling. This year it’ll be the 37th, so I have 13 years left to plan the dream out and save up and stuff.

If you could travel to another country right now, where would you go? Morocco.

What is a country you'd never ever visit? There isn’t a country I wouldn’t want to visit at least once. I’d probably avoid the ones that have dangerous political situations or are literally at war at the moment, but it doesn’t mean I don’t ever want to step foot in them.

Are you good at taking care of your finances? I’m getting there! I was able to have a good amount of savings this month :) My finances were shit for the first two months of my job because there was immediately soooooooo much to pay for, but I’m glad everything is on track now.

Have you ever had any trouble paying your bills? Well no, because I don’t pay my own yet. I do hand a portion of my allowance to my parents every payday so that I can help out with the family bills, though.

What about your rent? We don’t have rent.

What do you think is the best thing about being an adult? The freedom that comes with it is very empowering. I don’t technically have to ask permission to go out with friends anymore, or be scared of a curfew (but my mom still imposes one, LOL. It’ll mellow it within time though, I’m sure); I make my own money and can spend it however way I want while the rest I can save; I can take a drive or book an entire trip altogether as long as I can afford it...it’s letting me get to know myself even more, in a way that college and my teenage years weren’t able to do.

What about the worst? Being expected to have my shit together when I’m very clueless still about so many things in life. I make fuckups at work at least once a week and I always feel like I’m going to get fired with every mistake, lol.

Is there a person in your life, who wastes their life somehow? Hmm, I don’t think so. I have an uncle who had seemed to be headed nowhere before, but I think he’s slowly getting back on track. I think. At least I don’t hear anything about him anymore.

^If so, how are they wasting their life? Never had a stable job, was a neglectful husband and father (I think he still is), was never able to secure a house and even a car for his family, and deals with his problems by drinking...and worse, drunk-driving, sometimes. It’s an embarrassment and I don’t care if my grandma tells me off for giving him the cold shoulder every family gathering. I’m not gonna get close to someone who negatively affects my mood and my energy.

What is something you need to do, but you keep postponing it? Getting a new pair of glasses. Booking an appointment is a Newly-Unlocked Adult Thing that I’ve never done yet, so I’m nervous and I keep putting it off, hahaha.

Do you think life should just hand things to you? Not at all.

Or should you earn the things you want and need with hard work? Yeah, there you go.

Would you rather live off government benefits or earn your own money? Earn on my own, as much as possible. But some balance would be nice as well so that I can start feeling as if the government is actually helping and serving me.

When you take a survey, do you skip questions? Typically, no. But some of the older ones I’ve seen made by, like, 15 year olds of the time will have nonsense, downright immature, or lowkey racist/homophobic questions that I will have no problem deleting altogether as I think no one here would have any interest in answering them either.

Why, do you think, people write lyrics as the title for a survey? To be creative and catchy, I guess. And it works - I do tend to click on surveys that use lyrics.

If you have a Facebook, what do you use it for? Look for things to share, mainly. I’m fully back on it now after going a way for a bit to do some healing on my own.

If you have a Twitter, what do you use it for? As a space to let out literally all my thoughts and brianfarts. No one cares on Twitter, so it’s the perfect space to make a mess and be a mess.

If you have a Tumblr, what do you use it for? I used to have a wrestling-themed Tumblr (and before that, many more other themed Tumblrs), but when my interest died down I soon switched to using Tumblr for my surveys and being more lowkey altogether on here.

If you have an iPhone, why? I find it easier to use, and I like the interface more. The camera’s features are also more to my liking.

If you have an iPad, why? We have a really old model of it, and we bought that because iPads were all the rage at the time. It had been the newest concept from Apple and most people felt they had to have one, including my family. We definitely don’t feel the need to get another tablet anytime soon since it just functions like a giant phone for the most part.

If you have the latest electronic gadgets, did you pay for them yourself? I’ve never paid for a gadget before.

Do you always put your litter in a trashcan? Of course. I know how to pick up after myself like a respectful human. < Yup.

When you walk/ride your bike/drive your car, are you careful? Yeah, unless I’m mad. Sometimes road rage will take over me tbh, especially if other people on the road have been stupid for quite some time.

What is the rudest thing a person could do or say to you? Something phobic after seeing Jess and I together. < This reminds me of when my ex and I used to get stares or whispers in public. But to be honest, I actually enjoyed those encounters because it only served as fuel for me to get even more affectionate and piss them off more, lol. Good times. 

Anyway, the rudest thing I can think of at the moment is being cut while in line. Some people do it so subtly too, and their shy, careful shuffle to get in front of me is what irritates me the most because THEY KNOW they’re doing something shitty and yet are being so sneaky about it.

Have you ever been that rude to someone else? I have never cut in line, never will.

Do you think your parents are proud of you and what you do with your life? I don’t know. I hope so. I don’t know if they’re expecting me to move out at this point, but I hope they’re at least proud of the fact that their first kid managed to land a job, especially considering we’re living in Covid times.

Which would you rather be, famous or a "nobody"? Why? Can’t I be somewhere in between? When it boils down to it, I’d probably go with being a nobody...I’d miss the socialization and having friends, but at least it means I can get away with more.

Do you need to have the latest fashion in clothes and accessories? It would be nice, but I’m not desperate to have them.

If you have a job, do you get along with your co-workers? Yeah, I’d say so. I definitely have never fought with anyone yet. It’s hard to gauge my relationship with each of them because I entered the workplace while we’re under WFH so I’ve only gotten to talk to most of them through Viber; but so far, so good.

What kind of hobbies do you have? I like traveling and learning, so anything that’s got to do with those - going to museums, visiting ancestral houses, trying local art forms - I would definitely dive into. But if I’m not in a new province or country altogether, I like trying out new food and new restaurants, embroidering, watching my favorite shows, coloring, painting, and reading essays about history. :)

Would anything in the whole world make you give up any of those hobbies? I’m not super attached to painting anymore, so I guess.

Have you had/do you have any pets? I currently have two dogs. In the past we’ve had a cat, a rabbit, two birds, and several goldfish.

Do you even like animals? I love them, except insects.

If you aren't already, would you ever get married? It would be a nice thing to tick off my life event list.

If you are already married, what was the ultimate reason for the marriage? -

As a child, did you do anything really bad? I was raised in a highly violent household with the worst influences as my elders. Yes, I managed to squeeze in some horrible stuff when no one was looking.

^If so, what was it? What were the consequences? I was violent towards my brother but won’t get into it. The only thing I’ll mention is that I used to chase him around with a knife whenever he’d start becoming too much of a headache.

As a teenager, did you do anything really bad? I don’t think so. I was well-traumatized and abused by the time I was a teenager so I was afraid of fucking anything up and being in more trouble.

^If so, what was it? What were the consequences? The worst thing I did was lie about my performance in school, honestly. Which, looking back now, doesn’t even seem like a big deal considering I was only in high school then and grades from there barely matter.

Do you have a problem with authority? Nope. Well, a good number of my teachers didn’t seem to like me for some reason. I’d say it’s their problem though since I never did anything to raise hell in school, ever.

What's your favorite comic strip? I don’t have one.

Is there a piece of clothing you absolutely must wear every day Underwear... < Yep.

Has a doctor ever told you to lose weight? No. I’ve always been on the lighter side so that has never been a comment given to me by anyone.

Have you ever been diagnosed with a lifelong disease? Isn’t scoliosis a lifelong thing? If it is, then yes I have been.

What is something you absolutely hate? Fruits.

What about something you absolutely love? Seafood! Which is why I have spicy tuna salad and dynamite rolls with me at the moment :)

[flipper-kisses]

True Soulmates C3

Taglist: @ramimedley @sherlollydramoine @txmel @xmxisxforxmaybe @breadnbutternips @itsme690

Warnings: drinking, kissing 

Rami and I were officially together now, having met each other's families and you know, telling each other we loved each other. No big deal.

Tonight, we were celebrating my 37th birthday with drinks and friends at our favorite bar.

"It's my biiirrthday, it's my biirrtthday..." I sang, dancing my way into his bedroom. He was in the smaller bathroom attached to his room and his laugh echoed off the tiles. I came in and stood behind him and rested my chin on his shoulder. I watched him finish styling his hair.

"It's your biiirthday, wooo!" He grinned at me in the mirror. "Whoa, look at you, birthday girl!"

I had on a navy blue dress with an off the shoulder neckline and was form fitting to just below my knee. I had my hair in loose waves again, and small diamond stud earrings. I did a little spin and he grabbed me around the waist.

"You are..." he kissed me, hard. "the most gorgeous.." another kiss.. "woman...in the entire world," he finished.

I blushed. He trailed his fingers over my bare neck and collarbone.

"Come here," he said, taking my hand and leading me into his room. He sat me in a small armchair and went over to his tall dresser. Opening the top drawer, he took out a slim box with a small silver bow. He sat on the arm of the chair and placed the box in my lap.

"Happy birthday, baby," he smiled and bit his bottom lip.

"Thank you," I said and smiled up at him. I opened the box and inside lay a diamond pendant on a delicate silver chain. It matched my style perfectly, not ostentatious or tacky, but simple and understated. I lifted the chain and held it to the light, watching it sparkle.

"I love it, Rami. Thank you so much."

"Can I put it on for you?" He took it from my hands and undid the clasp. He slid it around my neck and rested his fingers on my skin. "Looks great on you, Em."

I stood up and kissed him, slipping my tongue between his eager lips. He slid his hands down my back and onto my ass, and gave me a playful squeeze. I felt him grow hard against my hip and smiled in the kiss.

"Cancel drinks," he whispered and pulled me closer to him.

"Oh hell no, not my birthday drinks! Sorry mister!"

He groaned and kissed me once more before letting me go.

"This is going to be torture, you know that? With the way you look tonight, I'm not going to be able to stop touching you."

"So don't," I replied with a mischievous smile.

Rami winked and got up to finish getting dressed. He had on black pants with a black collared button down shirt. The shirt had a small white pattern and he put on his black leather jacket over the top.

"I am the luckiest girl," I said, looking him up and down. I bit my lip and he grinned at me.

"Oh stop, you're embarrassing me!" He said as he bent to tie his shoes. I laughed and eyed his backside. I caught a glimpse of his red striped socks as he straightened up and smiled to myself. For someone who always dressed so perfectly, he had a thing for fun socks.

"Come on, birthday girl, you ready?" He held his arm out and I took his hand.

When we arrived at the bar, I was excited to see that it was decorated with balloons and streamers. "Happy birthday, Emma!" shouted a small group of people, including my brother, best friends and Rami's brother and sister. I was so surprised that they came all this way just for my birthday and I hugged them tightly.

Rami went to the bar and brought back a round of shots. We toasted to my birthday and headed to the dance floor. The music was pulsing and the lights flashed red, then blue, to green, then purple. Immediately, my body responded to the music and I started my own little dance party in the middle of the floor.

"Yes, Emma!" yelled my best friend Kelsey. She took a sip of her drink and joined me on the floor. I glanced behind her and saw Sami giving her a once over. With her glossy black hair and big brown eyes, I could totally see him being into her.

I felt hands on my hips and turned into Rami's arms.

"I hope you're having fun, baby," he shouted into my ear over the music. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed his hips into mine. I tossed my head back and slung my arms over his shoulders. My heart beat faster as we picked up the rhythm of the music with our hips, barely moving anything else. He touched my forehead with his and closed his eyes. I lost myself in the feeling of his arms around me, his pounding heart against my chest, and the music surrounding us. Everyone else disappeared into a blurry sea of flashing lights. I closed my eyes and felt his mouth on mine, and he bit my lower lip then sucked gently. I sighed into him and ran my hands over his freshly cut hair.

"Jesus Christ, you two!" Sami's voice cut through our fog. I pulled away from his brother and immediately missed the feel of his lips. "Get a fucking room!"

I laughed and Rami grabbed my hand, twirling me around, back to our group of friends. We danced with them the rest of the night, drinking, and laughing obnoxiously loudly, annoying everyone around us. Sami and Kelsey were dancing together, and she smiled at me with a wicked grin. I knew what that meant, and Sami sure was in for some action later!

When we finally stumbled out of the bar around three am, an Uber was waiting for us to take us to his place. We snuggled in the backseat, my legs over his and his free hand roaming wherever it pleased. Up and down my bare calf, over my back, along my backside. I ran my hand over his hair, loving the soft feel of it against my palm.

"Best birthday ever," I said and Rami gave me a high five.

"Yessss," he said and tucked my hair behind my ear. He cupped my cheek and kissed me softly. When we arrived at his apartment building, he opened the door of the car for me and took my hand.

I loved his apartment and was happy to be spending my birthday there. I'd been spending more and more nights there as our relationship grew more serious over these past few months.

"Go into my room and wait for me," Rami ordered. "I have something for you." I touched the necklace at my throat. He raised an eyebrow and I followed his direction. I sat on his bed and took off my heels, placing them neatly by the dresser. I opened one drawer, which had become "Emma's drawer," where I kept some pajamas and toiletries. I padded into his bathroom to brush my teeth and heard him come into the room. I wiped my hands and face on a towel and went back into his room.

"Happy birthday, love," Rami said, holding a small blue box.

"What...you didn't need to get me anything else, baby. The necklace and night out was amazing!"

"This isn't much, I promise."

I took the box he offered and opened it. Inside lay a bronze key. "Is this a key to your apartment?" I asked.

"Yes, but I want it to be the key to our apartment. Will you move in with me?" He asked.

"For real?"

"Why do you always say that when I tell you things?" He laughed.

"It's part of my charm," I responded and clasped the key in my hand. "Yes, I would love to live with you."

Rami smiled my favorite smile of his, the one where he squinches up his nose because he's truly happy and lifted me into his arms. I wrapped my legs around his waist and let him carry me to his bed. He laid me down and crawled on top of me, covering my face with kisses. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you more," I responded and he shook his head.

"Not possible."

[nbenrey-real]

hlvrai watsonian interpretation concepts

okay buckle in folks because my hyperfixating ass CANNOT let this go and it’s a REAL fuckin long one with a lot of metaphysics nonsense referencing cyberpunk terms, vaguely cthulhu-mythos style reality perception bullshit, and of course a bunch of player-interaction-horseshit thats blatantly the result of undertale and deltarune metaanalysis. Alright, so: 

HLVRAI is the result of three different realities on differing ‘Singularity Levels’- points of where an sapient entity reaches a threshold of awareness of levels ‘above’ them that their perception process becomes incomprehensible to their native zones levels- interacting in a domino effect thanks to one certain eldritch entities desire to give his Mixed-Singularity-Level kid a good 37th birthday party at chuck-e-cheese.

These are: Reality 6-3411, Reality P14Y3R, Reality 41VR41, and Proxy-Realities 814354. 

Reality 6-3411 is where the entity referred to as Gregory ‘G-Man’ Goodman’s Species resides- a race of enigmatic creatures who regularly interact with lower Singularity Levels in hopes of uplifting them to their level, often incubating their young in those realities in order to better communicate. 

G-Man is part of a team charged with interacting with Reality P14Y3R through pre-existing proxy realities, looking for promising candidates- during which he inadvertently began interacting with Reality 41VR41 to a startling degree. Details are fuzzy, but at some point he was graced with a child by a member of that Singularity Level, currently known as Tommy Coolatta. 

Tommy, being born into a lower singularity level with no guarantee of reaching one higher, is difficult to care for properly without harm- G-Man made the decision to leave him in an area so he’d be raised by members of that level while G-Man watched from the sidelines for potential Singularity Level Increase- however, time can be hard for ‘higher’- entities to understand, and he didn't realize how long it really had been. 

While his employers had a vested interest in Tommy’s case, by the time G-Man is made aware of the circumstances of Tommy’s increasing access to higher-levels of perception of time by his employer’s- beginning with ‘seeing fast’ when drinking soda five years before the Black Mesa Incident and slowly progressing from there- Tommy had been inadvertently trapped in one of those pre-existing Proxy-Realities and could not be extracted without assistance from an entity of Reality P14Y3R interacting with a ‘Player Avatar’ based on Proxy-Realities connected to Reality 41VR41.

Reality P14Y3R is one of many realities that commonly interact with a multitude of naturally-occuring Proxy-Realities, often being interpreted as works of fiction to entities from that said level or being created by those same entities themselves. Entities from this reality are capable of interacting with Proxy-Realities which are naturally occurring buffer-zones that separate this reality to those of it’s ‘fiction’ and vice-versa, making them ideal candidates for Reality 6-3411 to utilize in their machinations- detriments to those ‘Player Avatars’ that happen to be caught in the crossfire from lower Singularity Levels notwithstanding.

In terms familiar to those who played undertale? It’s you!

Proxy-Realities 814354 include a variety of shifting sub-realities, namely taking the form of Half-Life, a science fiction first-person shooter where an entity from Reality P14Y3R takes control of the Player Avatar Gordon Freeman, a scientist working at Black Mesa. Included in this reality are a variety of AI created by entities from Reality P14Y3R, of which a few begin to increase in Singularity Level.

The first to gain proper Singularity is an entity known as Benrey, who proceeds to gain awareness of Reality P14Y3R and subsequently reinterprets their world through that knowledge- they are in a game with a script, a world that is not real, death is meaningless and you will simply heal or respawn in time- the only point is to have fun and make it interesting for the Player. 

Benrey quickly removes themselves from the games code, becoming something of an anomaly on their native level and a Netrunner of sorts on the P14Y3R level- they also notice several other AI with increasing Singularity Levels, chiefly among them: 

Tommy Coolatta, an oddity that is almost entirely free of the script and has somehow imported a High-Singularity entity called Sunkist into their reality, acting as a companion.

Dr. Harold Pontiff Coomer, a hive-intelligence still deeply-entrenched in the script but with increasing awareness of the limits of their reality.

Bubby, a highly-divergent entity who largely lacks awareness but has almost entirely deviated from the script.

Darnold, an entity largely content with their role who nonetheless has some subconscious awareness of the nature of their reality & is highly deviated from the script.

Frozen, an entity who has knowledge of things from Reality P14Y3R but no self-awareness of such, apparently suffering some amount of confusion as a result but largely harmless.

Though somewhat limited in knowledge of other Reality Levels, Benrey’s observations of the behavior of their companions allows them to come to the conclusion that they need to continue the natural formula of their Proxy-Reality in order to keep their companions stable and potentially allow them to similarly break free of the games script and code.

Singularity Level changes tends to result in a certain amount of dissociation resulting from the sheer influx of information and perceptual changes, with young Singularities often becoming aggressive or depersonalized from emotions for a period- Benrey’s further reliance on the script as a guide while largely ignoring true interaction combined with interpretation of everything from a P14Y3R Level worsens this over time.

Combined with Sensory/Auditory Processing Issues and Aphasia, the resulting entity is confusing, eclectic, and esoteric at the best of times, with a habit of latching onto odd phrasing and obscure personal neologisms- making communication difficult to implausible for entities such as G-Man or Gordon who are unaware of Benrey’s intentions, habits, or goals.

Reality 41VR41 is a reality level that shares traits with a variety of media found in Reality P14Y3R, namely the presence of Black Mesa, Aperture Science, and various realities connected via proxy-node-networks. This is directly connected to Proxy-Realities 814354.

Included in this reality is one Gordon Freeman, an 41VR41 native, single father, and hard working scientist at Black Mesa that found himself mis-introduced to the Proxy Realities due to Metaphysical Similarity- the result of G-Man’s machinations to retrieve his son Tommy which simply caught him in the crossfire, a most unfortunate coincidence.

As a result of entering Proxy-Realities 814354, Gordon was transposed into the position of the Player Avatar that his unaware counterpart usually fulfilled, in essence becoming a semi-possessed puppet being influenced by entities native to the P14Y3R Level- a circumstance that Benrey was not fully aware and comprehending of initially.

Over the course of the events that followed, Gordon slowly became aware of the disparities between the knowledge of his perceived reality 41VR41, the Proxy-Reality he now resided in, and the increasing awareness of the P14Y3R Level which was influencing him. 

Benrey also began to become aware of the discrepancy between what they knew of their Proxy-Realities and the apparent origin of this new entity- which combined with increasing subconscious awareness of aspects of their Metaphysical Counterpart in Reality 41VR41- resulted in an increase in Singularity Level that caused increasing disorientation. 

Benrey simply fell back on following the script to compensate, resulting in Gordons own interpretations and increasing Singularity Level to create a feedback-loop of alterations to the Proxy-Reality and permutations of the Script- resulting in Benrey being defeated and subsequent disincorporation into the net for some time.  

Post-Incident, G-Man continues to Monitor the group, his employers having become highly interested in such a complicated case and he himself feeling some amount of guilt over how much his simple plan of ‘let me put my kid down for a second for the reality level natives to watch them’ managed to make Tommy an orphan and royally fuck up so many young Singularities, an entire Proxy-Reality, and a 41VR41 native who now has a significant amount of burden to bear about his role in all this.

Gordon, now an Ex-Player-Avatar with some buried knowledge of the nature of the realities he interacts with and an increased Singularity Level, has gained access to some of the same abilities Benrey utilized- namely Netrunning, which he utilizes to purposefully move his AI companions between Reality 41VR41 and various P14Y3R-Level-Connected Proxy-Realities in order to assist them in reaching the Singularity Level necessary to function safely and adequately in his native level. 

Essentially, Gordon purposefully puts himself in the position of being a continual Player-Avatar- in spite of the existential nightmare it is- because he wants to make sure his friends can go on to live lives outside of Game Scripts and Weird Transreality Horseshit. He just happens to choose to do so in a way that involves things like beating the shit out of cops and stealing money from banks, because fuck you i’ve earned this. I can have a little ultraviolence, as a treat. 

Benrey meanwhile has reincorporated, now entirely free to act as a Netrunner and game as they please- however, given the status of their native Proxy-Reality as ‘decommissioned’, they’ve instead been booted into Reality 41VR41 as their new native-zone with the other members of the Science Team. This poses a significant problem for them, as they have no context of how to live as a non-proxy entity beyond vague recollections gained from their Metaphysical Counterpart and has no actual presence in said reality- they’re still kind of expecting everything to just reset and put them back.

Tommy- having found out that Benrey had been largely staying in the stops for the bus-lines that used to go to the Black Mesa facility when they weren’t joining in on heists or hanging out with him- proceeded to immediately take to waking up Gordon at 3 am in the morning for two weeks in a row because ‘its storming really bad and they don't have anywhere else to sleep mr. freeman and he gets so worried its so cold they don't know how cold works-’, resulting in gordon just saying fuck it and making Benrey join the Science Team household.

So now Benrey lives in the house Gordon had to buy for the science team to move in with him since ‘you all keep crashing at my place anyways and god damn it i can't leave any of you alone for a minute, bubby has started so many fires-’ and now feels obligated to keep track of the jackass because fucking hell, they don't even know how to microwave things, they’re going to fucking die. Which then promptly turns into genuine concern because jesus christ their memory is complete garbage how are they functioning like this. 

Gordon largely splits his time between caring for Joshua, making everyone do things to encourage neuroplasticity like tangrams, dragging them into whatever Player Interactions G-Man says look promising, and trying to wrangle them so they stop utterly destroying the household minecraft server, come on guys, between benrey and bubby they’ve single handedly resulted in the banning of both tnt and all firespread, can you just chill- COOMER STOP PUNCHING THE GODDAMN HORSES.

Meanwhile Gordon's brother, John Freeman, laboratory office worker and part-time stunt-motorcyclist- who had been babysitting Joshua during all of this horseshit and was about ready to storm Black Mesa his damn self- has not a fucking clue what the hell is going on and why his brother is suddenly 200% more off the shits than normal, now in possession of a prosthetic hand, talking about video games controlling him or something, and in the company of an entire family of eldritch bullshit people who might be robots or something he’s not really sure???