#caught between incredible curiosity and equal amounts dread

[silverformed]

@stxrmcatcher

"im. im not explaining that one prof"

“ …That’s not a good sign. ”

[atendersun-archived]

Mason & Fashion

For the most part, he styles himself in a way where he wants people to know that he does not want to be sexualized, or perceived by them in general. Additionally, he has somehow found a way to be so stuck in his patterns of dressing and experimental all at the same time.

Outside of athleticwear, he prefers his clothing pieces to be fitted to almost a tailored cut, but not so tightly fit that they accentuate his bulge / bottom. If anything, he’s actually more inclined to draw attention away from them completely by wearing predominantly plain, dark colored trousers that he pairs with bold tops.

He is not opposed to wearing feminine cut / styled tops such as button ups and blouses. His main hurdle is just finding something that can still function on his broader shoulders, yet that typically means he just strays away from anything with a ruffled sleeve, or is sleeveless entirely. Due to the change in weather, he can most often be seen sporting a crop top, open back, or cut out tee of any kind. The shapeliness and build of his upper body, along with his piercings, are what directs him into the path of showing all of that of any chance he gets. Will be long seen wearing a men’s cut wife beater tank than he ever would be caught in a women’s spaghetti strap style one, yet that could always change as he becomes more educated in what exactly androgyny means to him. As well as what does, or doesn’t, look good on his body.

Has discovered a new love of flared pants. Always in the mood for high waisted mom cut jeans just as long as he rests comfortably in the front. Otherwise, he will wear really any cut of men’s pants as long as they match his measurements and are within a price range he’s willing to pay. Will not touch a pair of leggings with a ten foot pole, and spandex is a definite no. Not afraid to rock a pair of shorts in the winter. Usually they don’t go very long out of personal preference, yet he can’t claim them as short shorts / booty shorts either on account that he has a thing about wearing articles of clothing that he fears will make people make sexual jokes about. That, and he still has that underlying worry about being perceived as “too gay” even though he is an openly queer man with an attraction to women he’s equally as open to talking about. It would take a substantial amount of money for him to walk out of the house wearing a really low cut shirt and very short shorts. There are men out there, did you know that? Also, he just likes money. He’s a greedy little thing, don’t let him into fooling you into thinking otherwise.

Would wear a long skirt only in really limited situations, such as at the home’s of people is really close to just as long as he doesn’t have to ride the bus, or at LGBT related events. Since he has a habit already of sitting, and even standing really, with his legs held tightly together the worry of flashing anything isn’t really there. It is more about knowing himself enough that he’s not sure yet if he’s comfortable not having two complete barriers between his private parts and the world. Has no interest in really wearing a short skirt, since the style aesthetics that he prefers to look into involve longer, sometimes more looser / baggier fits than they do short and revealing. He also just doesn’t feel any drive to them. At least if he bought a patterned skirt that goes down lower, he could live out his fantasy of being a hippie. That would be living the dream.

Dresses make up no percentage of his wardrobe, yet that is mainly due to him not knowing how to style them, or even going about knowing what type he should even look into getting. Will very happily try on what other’s have in their closet out of fun and curiosity, but wouldn’t know the first thing about accruing his own. His ideal style of one, he supposes, would be that it would have to be as flowy as possible, and make him feel beautiful. Letting his nerves get the better of him yet again, though, he is more drawn in by jumpsuits, especially those with a cape effect, than he is dresses.

Trying to put into words where his goals are in terms of fashion and dressing is hard for him for a variety of reasons. One is that he tends to slip into a dark headspace when he considers the question of if he has ever felt like a man his entire life. His answer would strangely be no, but that he has felt like a boy, so it just adds in a lot of confusion. He is also well aware that another circumstance holding him back is that he doesn’t want to be thought of as anything with an ill connotation by other men, such as those he has admired for years and years. What he’s less open to admitting, or even acknowledging, is that he would most likely be paired up with the free spirited, almost fearless in the face of being his true self as he had been as a young man if he would just rid himself of the weight on his chest. He wants to just be able to wear something as simple as a graphic t-shirt with cartoon characters on them, but because he so horribly dreads the possibility of endangering his survival over a Scooby Doo shirt surpasses that desire. He’s an anxious, easily intimidated individual, and he knows it.

Having the experience of hearing from a multitude of people that his physical appearance and intellect were not deserving of love to the point that it became a constant attack on his emotions that would eventually turn into a really jaded game of people figuring out how far they could take things for him to scream, or cry, has left him an incredibly scarred version of the bright eyed young boy that maybe loved everyone a little bit too much. Someday, he hopes, that he has found himself more established in his outward appearance as he does on the inside, but there is an abundance of unpacking that needs to be done in order to get there.

[forfuchssake]

Raiju Against the Machine || Bri & Luce

TIMING: May 24th, 2020 PARTIES: @divineluce & @honeybugbearbri SUMMARY: Bri finds Luce making magical fire in the woods. A raiju that Bri dubs Sparky joins them. Luce is definitely amused. 

Thunderstorms had always been one of Bri’s favorite things. More often than not, one could find an inexperienced hiker or camper that was scared for their life. They always smelled so delicious and she loved the ambient noise a good storm provided to her meals. She’d been wandering aimlessly through the forest when she first saw it. Blue flames were licking at one of the trees off in the distance. It was strange to see in the rain, but she supposed a random lightning strike could have caused it. Either way, she had to see for herself. Fire screamed danger and there was nothing quite as appealing to someone who survived on the fear of others. She stopped a few feet out, entranced to see a woman who seemed to be wielding the flames. There was something incredibly beautiful about the scene before her and it wasn’t just the woman. Anyone who could harness fire in such a controlled manner was someone who should be feared and nothing could be more enticing. She watched for a few moments, the pattern of the flames and the combination of steam and smoke that rose from them would look captivating in her own illusions. As the flames seemed to die down, she made her presence known. “Please, don’t stop on my account. I was quite enjoying the show,” she announced plainly.

Ever since… that day, Luce had thrown herself into her magic. The pain, the grief, the loss. It clung to her, like smoke to her clothes, cloying and overpowering. And, when it all became too much-- when the grief threatened to overwhelm her, she ran. She ran from the house, she ran from the town, and she ran to the woods. Unlike all the other times she’d been out, testing her magical limits in the eye of a storm, she was unprepared. Her backpack was left inside her room. Her hiking shoes were replaced with normal sneakers. And Luce didn’t care. She flung herself into the woods and lost herself to the magic, immersed herself in it. Let the flames dance and coil and burn as hot and as blue as she could muster. Not red. Red was Bea’s color. Red was Nell’s color, their family’s color. Blue. Only blue. At the edge of her vision, she was aware of someone stepping into the clearing and-- for a moment, Luce didn’t care. She didn’t care that someone saw her wielding her magic. She didn’t give a fuck about anything. But, as she turned and took in the woman who had stepped forward, Luce lowered her hands to her side, the blue flames receding. “It’s not a show.” She said, the words tasting like ash in her mouth. Like Bea’s shows. “If you know what’s good for you, you’d get out of here.” She growled, her fingers igniting with harsh blue flames.

There was a wry grin on her face as she watched the flames on the other woman’s fingertips. If anything, the threat only made her more inclined to stay. A lesser animal might have scurried away in fear, but not Brianne. In fact, the thought of more fire only filled her with delight. The blue flames were a nice touch. Maybe she’d include that imagery during her next shift at Misery Manor. “I’m quite content where I am, thank you,” she retorted playfully. As much could potentially ignite the woman’s flames further, but she’d take her chances. Her eyes had been watching the magic woman when something flickering in the distance caught her attention. Bri looked past Luce to see some sort of weird wolf that looked almost electric. Was this some sort of werewolf variation? It wasn’t the full moon, but she was delighted. “It looks like we have a friend,” she cooed gleefully, “Here, doggy doggy.” She extended her hand, calling the beast over to her. A new friend. What could possibly be better?

When the woman didn’t back off, didn’t seem the slightest bit bothered by the flames around her hand, Luce barely cared. She didn’t give a fuck. None of this mattered. Nothing mattered now that her sister was gone. Anger, without much weight behind it, flared within her. This woman wasn’t taking her seriously. She would show her that she meant business, show her what it meant to interrupt a witch-- but, before the flames could grow in her palm, Luce was startled when she looked past her. The slight shock made the flames in her hand lower slightly, but her fist remained ablaze. A bolt of lightning streaked across the sky above them as Luce locked eyes with the strange creature that was staring back at them, hatred and malice gleaming in its odd blue eyes. “That’s not a fucking dog and it’s not your friend either.” She called out, warning the woman. The creature bared its teeth at her and for a moment, Luce wondered if she was going insane. It’s fur seemed to bristle with electricity. Normally, such a sight would fill her with cold dread. Instead, she felt nothing. Nothing more than mild curiosity. What was the worst that it could do? Kill her?

The wolf, who Bri had officially dubbed Sparky in her mind, didn’t seem like the most friendly of the forest’s creatures. She watched the other woman, curious for her reaction. Most showed fear when faced with a creature who appeared ready to attack yet she smelled no fear on the other woman. It was uncanny, not even the slightest amount of fear was there. Her eyes narrowed as she looked Luce over. “You’re not afraid,” she stated in an even tone. It was curious, she recognized the threat, but didn’t seem to care about it. “Monsters are always friends,” she said, simply pulling jerky out of her pocket and throwing pieces pass the electric wolf. “There you go now,” she told Sparky who only seemed mildly interested in the jerky. The electric spines on its back still seemed to be standing on edge. She supposed transforming into a bear could always frighten the already scared wolf away, but she was too entranced with the fire woman and how she was reacting to this whole situation.

When the woman stared at her and boldly informed her of what she already knew, Luce frowned, her eyebrows knitting together in confusion. How’d she know that? “No, I’m not.” She replied, not bothering to question how she could tell. Maybe it was just because most people would be running away in terror. Or because she hadn’t reacted at all. Which also meant. “Neither are you. Hey--” She started, moving towards the stranger when she pulled out a piece of jerky and tossed it to the monster. “You shouldn’t do that.” Luce cautioned, the flames around her fist still glowing. The creature seemed uninterested in the meat-- instead, it’s eyes went to the fire of her fist before the crackling hackles of its face pulled back. With a snarl of her own, Luce’s already short fuse snapped. She’d come out here to train her magic, not to have it interrupted by some weird hiker and a fucked up electricity monster. Extending her hand, a ball of fire soared from her palm, igniting the ground in front of the creature.

The furrow forming in the fire lady’s brow indicated confusion, but she still could not smell the fear. Sparky smelled more of fear than Luce had. Bri looked at her seriously and deadpanned, “I fear nothing.” Especially not a wolf that looked like it would make a wonderful house pet. She frowned as she saw the fire building around the other woman’s fists again. Poor Sparky didn’t deserve such a fate. The electric wolf was simply out here in its natural habitat trying to live its life. Before she knew it, the flames were dancing in front of Sparky and he came flying toward her to attack since she’d been standing closer. While she had no fear, she wasn’t suicidal. She sighed before consciously making the shift into a bear. The fire had already frightened Sparky, so a large bear may be enough to do the trick. It felt natural, growing bigger and feeling the claws extend from her hands. Bri stared Sparky in the eyes, almost challenging him to come forward as she let out a booming roar. The wolf scampered back a little bit, seemingly not wanting to go face to face with a bear and the fire the woman next to her could wield. The smell of fear from the wolf was becoming stronger, they could likely scare it away without causing any harm.

“Sure you don’t--” Luce’s words were cut off as she watched the woman began to shift and transform and suddenly… there was a fucking bear. A giant, snarling, massive fucking bear. Startled, she took a step back on instinct, a slight jolt of fear running through her as the bear reared and bellowed at the equally confused creature that stood before them. But, as sudden as the flash of fear appeared, it was gone in an instant. This wasn’t a bear-- it was a woman. Or at least, the woman was still there, still inside. Maybe she would turn around and slash her with those claws, maybe she would rip her throat out, maybe she’d do… whatever. Luce’s hands remained at her side, the flames unwavering. The blue flames in front of the creature continued to burn despite the rain and Luce’s lips curled in a humorless smile. With a wave of her hand, she urged the flames to rise higher, creating a column of blue flame between the bear and the monster. She could feel the heat from here, but barely registered the intensity of the inferno. “Burn.” She mumbled, not sure who she was directing it at. The flames, the creature, or the bear-woman that stood before her.

Bri didn’t have time to relish in the brief moment of fear that went through the other woman as there were flames directly in front of her, separating her from her new forest friend. She growled in protest. Poor Sparky, she was going to scare him away or worse. The bear looked at Luce angrily, huffing in her direction before slowly backing away from the glaring heat of the blue flames before her. The wolf seemed to be doing the same much to her disappointment. She still enjoyed the smell of its fear. She supposed this woman wasn’t all bad. Perhaps she couldn’t scare her, but she seemed good enough at dishing out fear herself with her majestic blue flames. Sparky seemed to be scurrying backwards, trying to avoid the flames that threatened to light him ablaze.

The bear-woman turned to snort and growl and huff at her, as though she was annoyed-- Luce’s attention was focused on the fire. Even the flames that had spread away from her column, the tongues that eagerly consumed pine needles and twigs from the forest floor, they burned blue. Flicking her fingers lightly, she redirected the magical energy with ease. The flames spread from the column and began to encircle the monster. The strange creature let out a yapping bark that sounded like a crack of thunder, its eyes full of hate and fear. It didn’t matter. None of this mattered. She didn’t care, she didn’t give a single fuck. She wanted her sister back. And she was never coming back. What did one more dead monster matter?

When it was clear there was no saving Sparky, Bri shifted back into her human form and was ready to give this witch a piece of her mind. Poor Sparky was just out here in his habitat trying to enjoy the storm though she had to admit the amount of fear the witch could elicit was enticing. She weighed her options and crossed her arms haughtily over her bare chest. “I don’t think that was entirely necessary,” she grumbled. Her entire body still felt entirely too warm from being so close to the blue flames, so she released her arms, letting the cool rainwater provide some comfort as she watched the flames continue to burn. Perhaps, she could take home the carcass if anything remained.

When the bear shifted and the woman took its place, the sudden transformation broke Luce’s concentration. Just enough for the flames to flicker under the weight of the rain, and for the creature to tear away, yelping in panic and pain. Its feet were burned by the fire that danced around it, but it ran away all the same. Watching it run off into the woods, Luce let the flames die down. The rain pelted the fire, sizzling at first, until the sheer downpour won out and extinguished the blaze. Letting out a breath, Luce felt the toll of being out in the wilderness, of using her magic, and of not sleeping bear down upon her. Exhaustion, without the hope of sleep, was a heavy burden. “Well. Worked out for the monster thing, didn’t it?” She said gesturing at the woods to where the creature had run away. “What are you, exactly?” Luce asked, her tone just as impassive and emotionless as the woman’s. “Some kind of… werebear?”

Seeing the monster run off brought a sense of joy to Brianne. It would live to terrify unsuspecting hikers another day. Just as the flame woman would. She looked at her curiously, arms falling from her chest. “It did,” she noted, “It had already been afraid, but no harm done.” The next words that came from the witch’s mouth were fair. It was likely not every day people transformed into a bear before her eyes and it had been the one part of their whole encounter that brought even a moment of fear to her. “As much as Iove the werewolves, I’m not a werebear. The full moon has no power over me outside of the fact I happen to enjoy it. I’m a bugbear,” she answered without showing much in the way of emotion. With an air of curiosity, she added, “I take it you’re some kind of witch?”

Listening to the woman without really focusing on the words, Luce nodded. “It had every reason to be afraid.” Between a lady who shifted into a bear and her own flames, she couldn’t blame the creature for turning tail and running. It only made sense. Huh. Now that was a rich thought. Nothing had made sense to her over these last few days, none of it made any sense. But fear and seeing a monster run in terror from her? That made sense. Running a hand across her face, Luce wiped some of the rainwater away and glanced over at the woman. “Bugbear. You turn into a beetle too or something?” She asked. A shapeshifting bugbear lady who didn’t seem all that bothered by the blue flames that had come from her hands. “No, I’m part flamethrower.” Luce said, the joke falling flat without the help of her usual teasing tone. “Yeah. I’m a witch.”

While it wasn’t the most off base question, Brianne had heard it plenty of times before. She wasn’t quite sure where the bug part of bugbear came from, but she was friendly with bugs. It was why she had opted to become a beekeeper. “No, just a bear. I do keep bees, though,” she answered in an even tone. She cocked her head slightly at the other women’s joke, lips just shy of a grin. Witches were a source of great fear among humans. Enough so that lesser men put them on trial, though she doubted the real witches were ever the ones truly exposed to their punishment. Just another example of weak men lashing out at things they weren’t able to control. “A witch. I like your fire. I’m Bri.”

“Bri, huh? Guess that makes you the Bri-keeper.” Luce said blithely. Why was she trying to joke? To hide the pain? To patch the void that filled her? Either way, it didn’t work. Nothing she’d tried had worked to help her. Drinking, fighting, gambling, sex-- all of her normal vices were nothing compared to the overwhelming grief that had consumed her life. Even art, her greatest escape, held nothing for her. She hadn’t been able to pick up a pencil in days. “I’m Luce.” She said with a nod. Overhead a fresh peel of thunder rang out through the forest and a flash of lightning streaked across the sky. As much as she wanted to continue her magic out here, now that she knew someone was lurking in the woods… she didn’t really want any observers. “I like your… bear shtick. It’s cool. But…” She gestured offhandedly to the rain that was now pouring down even harder than ever. “I got shit to do. Places to be. Monsters to burn.”

“It does, my stand at the market is called Honey Bri,” Brianne quipped though her voice remained monotonous. This Luce was a curious character that she was fascinated with, but she’d give her her space to continue throwing her flames. Perhaps she could find Sparky again, watch him run around the forest. Or find some unsuspecting hiker who was already afraid from the unexpected storm. The possibilities were endless. “Luce, I enjoy your work. The blue flames are a nice touch.” She meant as much. She had no doubt Luce could instill fear in others around her. With a nod, she figured she’d leave the witch to fuel her flames as she wished. “As you will. If you ever need a bear, you know where to find me.” Except she didn’t, but Bri shifted back into a bear and took off into the woods anyway.