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dcforts · 3 years ago

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15x18 coda. right after "I love you". 2k. ao3

Nothing happens. No one appears.

Cas blinks away the tears, turns around towards the door and only then Dean realizes that the banging has stopped.

He’s still frozen in place, “Cas?” he tries to say, but it doesn’t come out.

Cas isn’t looking at him anyway, he turned fully on his heels, and he’s headed for the door.

“I don’t understand,” he says, his fingers hovering over the sigil on the wood, now broken and fading. He pulls the door open and on the other side there’s only an empty hallway. He looks left and then right.

“Billie’s gone,” he looks back at Dean, his face still a jumble of pieces held together by streaks of tears. “What happened?”

Dean wants to say, You tell me. What the hell happened, what is happening right now, what is supposed to happen next? but he can’t talk, and he can’t even think if he's supposed to feel relief.

And Cas –

He just said –

Does he even know what he just said?

Cas doesn’t wait for him, he walks out of the room. Dean follows the hem of his trenchcoat around the corner, and tries to bring himself to say, Dammit, can’t you just wait a minute, just stop, but then his phone starts buzzing and it’s Sam, and that reminds him they’re in the middle of the end of the world.

“Everyone is gone.”

“What you mean?”

“Just - disappeared. You and Cas okay?”

“Yeah, now. Billie came after us, but she took off, we don’t know why.”

“Maybe to deal with the mess Chuck made? There’s no balance anymore, right? It kinda became the priority, I guess," there's urgency in his tone that tells Dean that Sam is pacing and if he’s pacing it means he’s not doing well. He hears him sighs, "Dean," he starts again, "I don't know how we're gonna get out of this one. We’re the last on Earth.”

The last on Earth.

“We'll think of something. Just stay where you are, and we’ll come meet you.”

Dean finds Cas at the base of the iron stairs. He dried his cheeks, he notices.

"We need to go," he says and it feels wrong that those are the first words he tells him after -

But Cas looks distracted, slightly confused, he just says, "Where?"

"I'll explain on the way."

Heading towards the garage, he can hear Cas' footsteps behind him and he can’t believe they're just gonna pretend that what just happened didn’t happen and doesn’t even know if he should be grateful for that or not.

Taking his seat behind the wheel of the Impala helps him ground him. Being under the sky again, looking at the clouds curling over the horizon, after being so close to the end, Dean feels like he's coming back to himself a bit.

He realizes he'd been sure that was it, yet it wasn't.

He's still here, and Cas too.

But the silence, over them like a blanket, the silence won't do anymore. Not after what happened, not now, at the end of the world.

Time slips away faster when it’s the end of the world, Dean has lived through a couple of them by now, he knows. And Dean thought he had plenty of it, before Cas pulled the rug from under his feet in thirty words or less. All this time he gave for granted.

He never learns.

So the silence won't do. He taps the steering wheel a few times, impatient, unsure, and then just takes the leap, “What you said before – did you mean it?”

The question hangs in the air for a long excruciating moment. There's no going back from here, Dean knows, and that thing that's expanding inside his chest makes him feel a little sick. He presses his foot a little harder on the accelerator.

“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t think it could save you.”

“So you'd sacrificed yourself? How many more times are you gonna play this game? You know there’s only so many get out of jail free cards.”

Cas is calm and Dean doesn’t know how. He sits with his hands folded on his lap and looks thoughtfully out of his window.

He must have thought it was the end for him as well.

He was walking towards it, knowingly, accepting, right there in front of Dean's eyes.

He cried. Dean saw him cry.

It feels surreal now, as if it happened a lifetime ago, to someone else. Not to this Cas, not to this Dean. Yet it happened to them. It happened to him. His knuckles on the steering wheel are turning white.

“This time is different. There’s no coming back. But I don’t regret making the deal for Jack and I wouldn’t have regretted doing that for you either. It was-”

“Don’t you dare say ‘It was the only way.’ And what are you talking about?” For the first time since they got in the car, Dean looks over at him. “You already came back once.”

“That was an exception.” He doesn’t sound worried or scared and it makes Dean’s skin crawl. “I don’t get why it didn’t appear. I was sure –”

“Jack must have made it weak, with the explosion and all.”

“Perhaps. But it’s gonna come for me eventually.”

He’s saying, You have to prepare for that.

Dean grits his teeth, “We’ll fight it.”

“Dean, you can’t,” and it's the profound resignation in his tone that makes Dean snap.

“I can,” he says, banging one hand on the wheel.

Cas looks at him then, but Dean keeps his eyes on the road, his teeth sinking in his cheek.

He didn’t want to get mad. He said he’d stop doing that. He takes a breath, focuses on the familiar roar of the engine in his ears and tries to stay calm.

You think that hate and anger, that’s what drives you. That’s who you are. It’s not.

It’s not.

I love you, he’d said.

“Those things you said,” he tries again, “I didn’t know you -”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Cas cuts him off, like he was waiting for this moment.

“Just let me - you really think - you actually think it could work? Us?”

He doesn’t reply and Dean wishes he was brave enough to look his way, but keeping his eyes on the road is easier.

And he doesn’t feel in control of his voice cracking, of his tongue rolling, but he knows he can’t just stay silent, no matter how crazy it is to be having this conversation, because soon there may not be any time left. And there’s no way Dean is gonna leave any stone unturned if he can help it, not now that he knows there are stones that can be turned in the first place.

Something I know I can’t have.

“Wh - how can you know that?” he pushes then, “I have the worst track record, you’ve never been in a relationship. How can you know you want this with me?”

The words feel strange in his mouth. It’s not how this was supposed to go. And yet, Cas almost slipped out of his hold. Again. So this has to happen.

“I just know what I told you.”

I love you.

“I have known for a while.”

It hits him like a ton of bricks all over again, the reality of it. Dean is walking on cracked ice, sliding on an oiled floor, rolling down a hill. Everything is happening all at once, and the world is empty around them and all he can think about is that he was about to lose Cas again and that he said –

His vision starts to blur, his shirt feels too tight. He hits the brakes before he ends up swerving into a tree, stops right there, in the middle of the street.

It doesn’t matter.

The world is empty, he almost lost Cas again.

The world his full, Cas loves him.

He’s angry again when he gets out of the car. He doesn’t know why. It’s just too much, and it's so hard. The door slums shut behind him.

Cas follows him out.

“Dean, I’m sorry, that’s why I didn’t tell you. I never wanted to burden you with this,” and Dean is not sure if he’s talking about the deal or the confession and he's too afraid to ask. It just makes it worse.

He rounds the car, and before he can see straight again he finds himself with two handful of trench coat and a pair of blue eyes inches from his face.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” he hisses, and he himself can’t tell if he's talking about his deal or his confession.

“There’s nothing you can do to change what it is.”

The price was my life.

Dean tugs aimlessly at the lapels of the coat. He wants to shake him and comfort him at the same time.

I cared about the whole world because of you.

He could take it back.

He should.

He has to.

Now there’s a lump in his throat that wasn’t there a moment ago.

Being pressed against Cas doesn’t seem like a very good move now. He’s too close. Cas can see his lips tremble and hear the hurt in his voice.

“You would have left. You said you l – and you would have left. How is that fair?” he hisses.

Too close.

Cas raises one hand and rests it against his knuckles.

He’s saying I’m sorry again.

For a brief moment, Dean closes his eyes to the touch. He still can’t believe this is happening to him.

“I would have been happy going away, knowing that you knew.”

No one whispers when it’s the end of the world. Dean has lived through a couple of them by now, he knows.

But it’s all he manages when he says, “And what about me?”

“You would have been saved.”

“And what about what I want?” Dean says and he his heart starts pounding because this is it.

This is it and Cas can feel it too, his eyes widen slightly.

“What you -?”

“Yeah, you idiot. You never gave me the chance to tell you that you’re wrong.”

"About what?"

A frown is slowly forming in between his eyebrows and Dean doesn’t want to explain, doesn't know how.

He thinks he won't be able to say another word without crying.

So he just leans in, his eyes shut, until Cas' lips press against his, and warm, big hands cup his cheeks, so so gently, - Dean feels a bloody palm leaving traces on his skin.

Cas' body relaxes against his. Dean hadn't even noticed how much tension it was carrying. He hadn't notice how much love and how much pain either.

He circles his neck with his arms and it's a tender and desperate embrace and he can't control the tears overflowing from his eyes anymore. He’s not sure he’s okay.

He only knows one thing, that this won’t be a goodbye kiss. He won’t let it be.

They're the last on Earth, and he wants Cas to know. This is his priority.

So Dean holds him tighter, pulls him closer, kisses him harder. He’s saying I’m sorry it took so long.

When he pulls back, Cas looks overwhelmed, but most of all worried and Dean knows what he’s thinking, Now what?

“I’m not letting you go,” he says.

“You may have no choice.”

“When the Empty comes, we’ll deal with it.”

“Dean -”

“We’ll deal with it.” He’s never felt more sure of anything in his life, “We’ll save the world first and then we’ll deal with it. These beings, they keep forgetting who we are and what we're doing it for."

For love.

Cas must have the same thought, because now there's a spark of hope lighting up his eyes that wasn't there a moment ago.

Dean tries a smile, slides his hands to rest them against the side Cas' neck.

His skin is warm and real and alive and Dean will do anything to keep it this way and most of all, within his reach.

"It’s us, Cas. We will win. We will always win.”